It was an ordinary, beautiful day in Equestria. And you’re stuck in court.

“All rise for the honorable Bust E. Mare,” the plaintiff says.

You rise to your feet along with a fuck-ton of other ponies in the courtroom. A mare, wearing a long black robe and a white wig, enters the room and takes the bench.

“Alright sit,” she says.

The rest of the court sits back down, and you sit too. The chains around your hands and legs jingle quietly as you look to another mare, typing away on a small typewriter in the corner.

“Anonymous,” Judge Mare says. “You stand accused of the crime of scritching without consent. How do you plead?”

“Not guilty?” you say, unsure.

“The defendant has entered his plea. Do you have council?”

“No?” you reply. “Won’t one be appointed for me?”

“Actually it’s a volunteer job,” the judge says with a sigh. “Let her in.”

“Her?” you ask, turning behind you.

“HALLLOOOOOOO!”

The deathly tard scream echoes through the reserved courtroom. You feel the breath escape your chest. Oh fuck. No.

Sure enough, it’s her. Lyler. The scourge of Ponyville. She’s wearing a strange suit with a thick yellow mustard stain… at least you hope that’s mustard, on the front of the suit.

“I AM HUR TO MAKE THE JUSTICE HAPPEN.”

“Oh, Jesus Christ,” you mumble, you let your forehead rest on the table in front of you.

Lyler leans in close to you and whispers in a loud scream.

“IT’S OKAY ANON, I’LL GET YOU THE ICE CREAM.”

“Great.”

“Does the Defense have their case ready?” the judge asks.

“YUS. BUT FURST.”

Lyler slams a… strangely shiny briefcase on the table. She opens the case, takes out two pieces of paper and lays them on the table. She whips her head back, then slams her face on the table. When she lifts her head up and now has two, normal pieces of paper on her forehead.

“ANGERY EYEBROUS.”

“Oh god,” you mutter.

Well. That’s it. You’re going to fucking jail. You patted a little filly on the head, just because she gave you a bit-bag you dropped, and now people think you’re a pedophile or something. Fucking christ. This is it. This is the day Lyler PERMANENTLY ruins your life.

“The defense may call their first witness.”

“I CALL MR. BOOMBOOM!”

Lyler then poops out her signature cactus onto the floor. A collective groan comes over the court as a trickle of blood leaks from her anus. She picks up Mr. Boomboom with her mouth and places him on the stand.

“This… is a cactus,” the judge says in confusion.

“YUS. MR. BOOMBOOM WAS THERE ON THAT DAY.”

“That’s just dubious enough to allow. Go on.”

Lyler glares at Mr. Boomboom.

“SO BOOMBOOM.” A silence fills the courtroom. “Eating Sugar?”

Another silence.

“Telling lies?” Lyler asks.

“I’m so fucked,” you groan.

“ORDER. THE DEFENDANT WILL BE QUIET IN MY COURTROOM,” the judge screams at you.

Lyler nods at the judge then returns to Mr. Boomboom.

“BOOMBOOM. WHAT HAPPEN THAT DAY?”

Another silence.

“Guys,” you say, “It’s a cac-”

“Don’t interrupt, Anonymous. It’s rude.”

The silence fills the court one more time, as you look to each other pony in attendance today. There’s Twilight, Fluttershy, Lyra… pretty much everypony you recognize. Nopony seems to really want to look you in the eye. Even those who are making eye contact are looking away almost immediately.

Suddenly, there’s a loud gasp from everypony in the court.

“I REST MY CASE!” Lyler screams.

“Wait what?”

“You may leave the stand, Mr. Boomboom. Thank you for that… moving testimony.”

“IT’S A FUCKING CACTUS!”

“You may call your next witness.”

“I REST!”

Lyler moves to her briefcase, and pulls out a pillow and blanket.

“D-do,” The stallion asks, sitting next to a small filly the next table over. “I get to cross-examine the.. Uh. Cactus?”

“What do you think?” the judge asks. “Your turn. Call your witnesses.”

“Alright,” he says, rising to his hooves. “I call little Mona Lott to the stand.”

“Isn’t that a kind of an unfortunate name?” you ask. The prosecutor glares at you for a moment, then turns his head to the filly on the stand.

“Now tell me, little filly. What’s your name?” he asks.

“Mona,” she says shyly.

“I SENTENCE HIM TO DEATH!” the judge screams.

“JUDGE!” Lyler screams. “THE BROWNIES ARE NOT DONE YET.”

“What.” you ask, trying to make sense of the situation.

“You’re right, defense. We will wait to hear the full story. Continue.”

The prosecutor nods then looks back to the filly.

“Can you point to who touched you?”

Mona points a hoof to a stallion in the audience and lets it hang there for a moment. Then, slowly, the lawyer moves the hoof to you. The entire audience gasps.

“I rest my case,” the prosecutor says gravely.

“TWENTY YEARS DUNGEON!”

“WAIT JUDGE! I MUST SPEAK!” Lyler screams, pushing the prosecutor out of the way. “GIRLIE ISN’T IT TRUE THAT YOU ALSO BURP AND HAVE FARTS?”

“Y-yes?” Mona says quietly.

The audience gasps once more. Twilight faints. Fluttershy gets a wingboner, because fuck life I guess.

“HOW CAN YOU TRUST SOMEPONY WHO BURPS AND HAS FARTS.”

“It’s true,” the judge says quietly. “How can you… Little Filly, get the fuck out of my court.”

“But, I-”

“NO! BAD PONY.”

The little filly gets off of the stand, looking to her lawyer and back to Lyler before sitting down.

“ANON IS INNOCENT,” Lyler screams loudly.

“Okay, Jury. Go vote,” the judge says to the 12 absolutely flabbergasted ponies sitting on the side lines. “Do the thing.”

After three hours, the ponies re-enter the courtroom and one hands a paper to the Judge.

“Wow, spoilers jeez,” the judge says. “Now this isn’t fun. Whatever. Say your verdict.”

“Anon… uh. We’re pretty sure isn’t guilty of anything bad here. We think that his race may have been a factor in all of this, just like Mr. Boomboom said. And from there, we had to vote with our hearts.

“Then it’s settled. Anon, you’re off the hook. Say you’re sorry.”

You look around the room as all eyes are on you.

“I’m… sorry?”

“Okay. Break!” The judge says. “I’ve got some brownies in the oven.”

And with that, all of the ponies in the room rise to their feet and begin to leave.

“What the fuck just happened?” you ask the horse with paper plastered on her face and drool dripping down her chin.

“JUST JUSTICE.”