My rest took about a half-hour. I think I'm okay now. I'm well enough to write, at least. I've had no choice in most of what I've done recently, and I've probably endured far better than most ponies would in my position. I'm just going to keep that stupid self-blaming crap out of mind for now.

Oh, I have one minor correction to the previous part of this entry. I just remembered: I have seen Princess Celestia cry before(!), but only in a vision. She shed tears both during and after the fight with Nightmare Moon, which I was able to witness by using Zecora's praeteritum potion. Nopony would be able to hold back tears in a situation like that, not even her, so that's completely understandable. But last night, for her to nearly cry just because I look up to her? I don't understand. I don't think I'm a disappointment, so maybe I just haven't picked up on some social signal(s) she's been sending me? Even though I'm not good at noticing those sorts of cues, Celestia is very subtle in how she expresses opinions and emotions, so she'd be presenting me with a high degree of difficulty even if I were somepony with a lifetime of practice in that kind of thing. (Zecora is much easier to read, by contrast, even though I look up to her in a similar way. Well, looked up to (past tense). Ugh... no, that's too sad. I still look up to her, Journal. I just don't see why she hasn't resisted the enemy, though the same could be said of my friends and family.)

A lot of what follows (below) provides good insight into what Celestia thinks of me, but I haven't been able to decipher it yet. There's no use in speculating on that front because it'll just frustrate me, and I can't know for certain unless she up and tells me. (I know you're reading this Celestia, and you don't need to tell me if you don't want to, but you're always welcome to.)

Someday, hopefully, I'll get to know the real Princess Celestia—if there truly is a side to her I've been missing. I'm even starting to think she wants that to happen. Just, probably not anywhere near as much as I do.

Okay, back to the transcription.

"Twilight, are you alright?" asked Princess Celestia.

I nodded (unconvincingly, I'm sure). "I just have a lot of... thoughts. I'm sorry, this is way off topic."

As soon as I said that, Celestia did something that made me instantly forget the regret that was overwhelming me (which is why I didn't have a full emotional meltdown in the dream, like I did while writing about it).

Princess Celestia leaned over to me and kissed me on the cheek.

My jaw dropped, and I felt my cheeks burning. It was motherly, I told myself, because it was motherly. But it was highly distracting. Shocking, even. (Okay, fine—it was super-duper-mega-flabbergasting.)

"I appreciate all you've gone through, Twilight. I'm so sorry you've had to grow up so quickly," she said softly, with a slight grimace to her muzzle. "I have already asked far too much of you."

"N-no," I whispered nervously back, and lowered my head, afraid to meet her gaze for any longer.

"Neigh, I have. I've pushed you too hard to be independent when you needed me to be a friend, and I believe it's mainly because I've been afraid of getting close to you," she said. "There are old wounds deep within my breast, and even now the scar tissue pulls me away from other ponies. I needed you to research friendship in Ponyville and report to me because I don't know if I fully understand it anymore. Most everypony I've ever known has passed away, and without Luna... it was almost too much to bear." (For a moment, I thought I should ask about the damage to her internal fascia, but then I realized she was speaking metaphorically about "scar tissue". Derp.)

I looked back up, with wet eyes. "I'm sorry, Princess." (That's all I could think to say.)

"It's fine," she said, petting my mane again. "We should return to the unpleasant matters at hoof. Once we've made things right again, we can talk about... these other feelings." She smiled warmly.

I nodded rapidly and looked away from her face. "Right, right. Okay, let's see. I'm currently hiding in your bedchambers, with the doorway magically locked and a force bubble around the room to prevent the vamponies from hearing or smelling us. Oh, and we both used your toothbrush and I'm really sorry about that."

"We, both?" she asked, raising a brow.

"Oh! I guess I forgot to tell you: Rainbow Dash is with me. She's a vampony, but I managed to get her under control, and she's okay now. She's one hundred percent on our side," I said. I was probably blushing again. I sure as hell wasn't going to tell her the details (not that it matters, now... again, I'm sorry you have to read this, Celestia).

"Very good. I'm not surprised she's held out this long. Rainbow Dash is remarkably dependable, as I recall. Her abilities will be vital to our side of this conflict," said Celestia. "Do the two of you have any plans?"

"No, we're still j-just friends... Wait, I mean," I said, then my eyes widened as I realized she wasn't asking about that thing. I mean, she didn't even know about that thing. She probably wouldn't approve of it, either. After all, aren't princesses supposed to marry princes and have heirs together? That's kind of how it works, right?

"OhsorryIlostmyheadthere—" I said, a little too loudly and much too quickly.

Celestia interrupted me, "It's fine. Please continue." Then she smiled.

I nodded and smiled sheepishly, cheeks still warm. I hope I wasn't blushing as much as I felt like I was. "Ahem. Right now, the only dependables whom I know for certain are on our side are Rainbow Dash and Spike. I still don't know quite where Pinkie Pie and Zecora stand, and I don't know if Spike will be able to last much longer in Ponyville, which is why I initially asked him to head out. He's been seeing Rarity even though he knows she's a vampony, and I think the only reason she hasn't bitten him is that she doesn't know dragons can be vamponies yet."

"Dragons can be infected?" said Celestia, with an unmistakeable look of surprise on her face. "Are you certain, Twilight?"

"I think so, yes. When he was exposed to the, what did Apple Bloom call it...? Oh, right: mudblood. That's what the vamponies call the hoofgoo—I think I mentioned it in one of my letters. But his body reacted to it, so I'm pretty sure he can be turned. Zebras can, too. Almost certainly crystal ponies can, which might explain the odd light refraction you witnessed in your guards."

Celestia swallowed visibly. "If the vampony nature affects dragons, this goes far beyond a virus or a even a magical curse. Ponies and dragons have radically different biology, and most spells which involve the mental state of a pony won't affect a dragon, and vice versa. This is a deep form of magic, one well outside of even my experience," she said. "Have you asked Spike to come to the Crystal Kingdom?"

"I did, yes. He should be on the way there now, unless something went wrong."

"The trains here were stalled while I was held under false arrest, but now that I'm a captive they might start running again," she speculated. "It's important that he find a way to disguise himself, if at all possible. His arrival in the Crystal Kingdom could very well turn the tide in this cold war."

"Yeah, he probably does need to disguise himself. He's the most conspicuous pony I know, if you get the slight joke," I said, with a dry chuckle. "He's very clever for his age, though. I'm sure he'll try to lay as low as possible. Once he arrives in the Crystal Kingdom, he should easily be able to lead a revolt to free you—especially if Princess Cadance is still here in Equestria."

Princess Celestia nodded. "Well, I certainly hope this comes to pass. What about yourself and Rainbow Dash?" she asked. "By which I mean, do you two have any plans of your own to help defeat the dark influence holding your brother prisoner?" (I'm not sure why Celestia felt like she needed to clarify that.)

"I haven't decided what would be best for Dash to do. At present, I intend to kidnap my brother and lecture some sense into him," I said. "I don't think it will work, but there aren't many realistic options left at this point."

Celestia narrowed her eyes in thought. "I'm not certain a direct confrontation is wise, Twilight. I think we should go public with information on the vamponies. If you could get to one of the printing presses and convince a few nobles that the problem exists, this infestation would be front page news. The vamponies would most certainly lose the upper hoof. My sister, sadly, still frightens many for what she did in another era entirely, so her hold on the crown would be tenuous even in my absence." A touch of sadness graced her muzzle.

"I'd thought of going public, but wouldn't it lead to outright war? I... I really don't want ponies to suffer for this, Princess..."

"I don't think it will lead to war, no. There can't be many vamponies among the populace, given how secretive their transformations need to be. In order to safeguard their secret, they would surely focus on infecting ponies in positions of power. They cannot recruit very quickly, and even with their dark powers they would be no match for the populace of Canterlot. It's neigh-certain they would surrender outright, should it come to open conflict. This becomes less certain as valuable time slips through our hooves."

"Positions of power, like the printing presses," I countered. "Which is why I'm reluctant to try to penetrate the areas they're more likely to have eyes in. But yes, I know they've already pulled back on their plans for world domination because they were having a hard time getting vamponies turned from the nobility to hide the telltale signs. I don't think this was well thought-out at all—my brother and the nightwings have been thinking with, well, with their balls, so to speak. Cold logic remains the one clear advantage we still have over them."

"Social logic is quite unlike mathematical logic, Twilight. Those with twisted intents have their own breed of logic, and they will stop at nothing to force you to see things from their perspective," said Celestia. "But I do know about the pull-back on plans. That's about as far as I've gotten in your Journal," she said.

I made a curious face. Curiosity became confusion. Confusion became surprise. Surprise became horror. Celestia waited very patiently through it all.

"HOW?" I belted, my hooves shaking. "Oh, Princess, please, please don't read—"

Her magic forcibly closed my muzzle, which was extremely rude, but given the circumstances, I suppose I can understand.

"Twilight, relax. It is okay. As I've said before, and asked you to commit to memory: all is forgiven," she said. "And I do mean anything. Even murder, or torture, or rape. I have significant doubts you could do such things, but you have been pushed to extremes, and I need you here, with me, not ruined by guilt."

I tried in vain to move my lips. I wanted to say, "can't you let me summarize the important details", but she still held fast. (She seemed to know the question was coming.)

"As for why I am reading it, I need as much information as possible. I have nothing else to do here in my holding room, anyway."

She finally released my muzzle, and I gasped. I'm not sure when I started crying, but I wiped some tears away with a forehoof. "How is this even possible? Wait, is this about the synecdoche link?"

"Yes. I currently have a copy of your journal stored within my mind. I cannot absorb it all at once, so I am still in the process of 'reading', so to speak," she explained. "It might even be possible for me to write in the book through the same link."

"Can you magically read and write without the use of your horn?" I asked. "You couldn't have read that much of the journal before they put the ounckse on."

Celestia nodded. "I am maintaining the link internally, even with the ounckse on, which surprised me—but the journal you are writing is intrinsically magical, which I mean to discuss with you in a bit," she said. "You are correct about the timing, and it's something I feel very foalish about. They moved me to a locked room, and I entered the room because I wasn't concerned about being able to get away. I could easily teleport outside the castle entirely at the first sign of trouble, and I was certain that neither Princess Luna nor Princess Cadance was anywhere within the bounds of the Crystal Kingdom."

"I've underestimated them several times myself," I said. "They're surprisingly powerful."

"They have access to strong forms of magic that I don't fully understand. They were able to put some sort of a teleportation barrier around the entire room. When they tried to hit me with a tranquilizer dart, instead of shielding myself I simply attempted to teleport outside the castle." Celestia's face did little to hide her anger, which was undoubtedly self-directed.

"We had no way of knowing what we were up against," I said. "I didn't even know anti-teleportation fields existed until now. I'm not certain how those would function..."

Celestia sighed. "Well, what's done is done. My point is that I had a chance to form the link shortly after they moved me to the new room, but before my magic was blocked. After I formed the link, I wrote the message to you with the... 'unusual' ink. They caught me sending it, tranquilized me, and I woke with this accursed thing on my horn."

"Hmm. Well, if you can write in my journal even with the ounckse on, we should be able to safely communicate that way," I said. "Dreams are fine, but you have to go to sleep first."

"Unfortunately, we can't. There's something highly unusual about your journal. I'm able to see further in the book than you've written," she revealed. "To avoid any temporal paradoxes, I can't write to you through the book. Also, things in the book seem to have been amended and changed, so you must not tell me anything about where specific information is located in the book currently."

I rolled my eyes. "Great, another time paradox. You know, I'll bet ten-to-one that my journal is the most convoluted and confusing diary in the history of Equestria," I said. "But beyond that—and, of course, all of the awful horrors it contains—I'm not sure what would be so unusual about it?"

Princess Celestia paused for a moment before speaking. "Twilight, you've tapped into an enormous font of magical energy with this diary. I detected it the moment I cast the link, and I'm actually surprised the version of the journal you hold isn't radiating magic like a beacon, so whatever causes this effect has yet to happen. I'm not entirely certain how you end up doing this, but I suspect your extreme emotional state and raw magic talent have something to do with it," she said. "Unfortunately, this makes your journal extremely dangerous. Do you know what a combinatorial totem is, Twilight?"

I furrowed my brow in thought—this was definitely terminology I had never encountered before. "Well, I know what a mana totem is," I said. "Sunset Shimmer explained it to me. When she first entered the universe of the Rainbow People, the diary she was using to communicate with you changed in form to look more like your version of the diary. The fact that she was able to use it in a mirror-world meant it had to become a copy of something from Equestria—because it was intrinsically magical, and that kind of magic didn't exist in the other world. So it changed from being a two-way pair of books to a single book existing in two separate worlds. It still worked the same way, though."

Princess Celestia nodded. "Yes, that's the idea. Any item which is inherently magical and spans multiple worlds is a totem. These are rare objects, which is one reason why I haven't spoken about this topic before now," she said. "Now, a combinatorial totem is rarer still. It is a device with so much inherent magical energy that it begins to replicate itself in adjacent worlds, without first visiting them physically," she said. "Until now, this was only theoretical—although I suspect Star Swirl was using one that he never shared with me. The deeper the font* within the item, the more worlds it will appear in. At some point, your journal will become a combinatorial totem, and an incredibly powerful one at that."

(* = Okay, I can't stop laughing at the book having a magical font in it! Font? Book? You get it, right? Hmph. I bet none of my friends will laugh, except maybe Pinkie Pie, who will undoubtedly laugh for the wrong reasons.)

I paused in thought. "You're saying that people in other universes are going to read about all of the horrible things I've done," I said, sighing. "Well, that's that. It's extremely dangerous and will horrify ponies from other universes. I have to destroy it immediately."

"No, Twilight. Do you remember what I said about the time paradox?" said Celestia, very gently, as she lay a hoof on my thigh. "I'm afraid it is too late to destroy the book."

I buried my face in my hooves and tried not to cry. "This, this isn't fair!" I whined, my voice cracking. "I don't deserve..."

"Shh. It's okay," whispered Celestia, and she held me close, pulling me to her side with her wing. (You know, Journal, that's the only possible thing that could have comforted me at that moment, and only Celestia herself could have done it... and she did. So I shed a few tears, but they dried quickly.)

I sniffed a few times. "Do I deserve this?" I asked, my voice a whisper. I looked up into those beautiful magenta eyes of hers (her eyes are extremely similar to Dash's; not sure why I've never noticed that before), hoping for something to make sense of everything, begging for absolution...

Princess Celestia tucked my muzzle under her chin. "Twilight Sparkle, you most definitely do not deserve this. Nopony deserves this, and you deserve it less than anypony I know, ironically enough. I only wish I could help you to realize your self-worth..." She sighed deeply before continuing, "Yet, things are what they are. Because your journal will become a combinatorial totem in the future, the synecdoche link must have copied the final form of the journal into my mind. I am seeing your journal as it must end up becoming, once everything in the journal has been written."

"Well, shit. Oh! I, I didn't mean, um..." Wow. I just said 'shit' to Princess Celestia. Shit.

"Shit indeed, Twilight. Shit indeed," came Celestia's unexpected rejoinder, topped with a little smirk. (I couldn't help but chuckle, which I assume was her goal.) "Un-princess-like crassness aside—which, by the way, I heartily recommend to any princess, in non-diplomatic moments—it may be possible to track down the copies in other universes and destroy them. Your book will provide a direct link to each adjacent universe, even though there may be an overwhelming number of them. So if it's important enough to you, once our crisis has passed I would be happy to help you eradicate the story from reality."

I breathed a huge sigh of relief, then paused with my mouth open. "Wait. What would happen if the vamponies had possession of this kind of thing? They already have magic we don't fully understand. Even if you've never told her, I'm pretty sure Princess Cadance could figure out what a combinatorial totem is just by probing the book."

Celestia's eyes widened, and she rubbed her forehead with the back of a hoof. "You are correct, as usual. I hadn't considered that possibility until now. The journal might allow them to open a portal to other worlds, which could put ponies living in other universes at dire risk. This is not an acceptable outcome, even should we fail in our task."

"But I can't destroy the journal. So... I guess I can hide it?" I asked, trying my best to brainstorm.

"That would be good, but you'd need to forget where you hid it, if we're planning for the contingency where we lose. I'd rather not plan for that contingency at all, because it will increase the psychological barrier which continues to chip away at your resistance. Not to mention mine."

I raised my head. "I shall not give up, Princess. I will be on your side always, no matter what."

"Try 'Celestia'," said Celestia. (I might have blushed.)

"Yes, Celestia," I said, and I cleared my throat. "But I can promise you that I will neither forsake you, nor my friends. No matter how convincing the vamponies become, I will never bow to them."

"Well, not permitting yourself to consider arguments rationally might be unhealthy. Don't push... wait," said Celestia, lifting a bare hoof near my face (those still look odd to me, though it's interesting—if unsurprising—that she's perfectly manicured beneath those greaves; but then again, it's just her dream persona).

"What is it?"

"There's a simpler way we can stop them from using the book as a link to other worlds. The link shouldn't work unless somepony in another world reads through the entire journal," she said. "It's only Twilight's Journal if the entire book ends up in at least one pony's mind, as it is right now in mine."

"Well, that's already implausible," I said, shaking my head. "I can barely read through it, and I wrote the damn thing."

"You would be surprised at the filth some ponies will read," said Celestia. "Myself included, to be completely honest." (Note: I have NO idea what that means, and I'm not interested in speculating at the moment.) "We need a way to convince ponies to stop reading, or else to skip a chapter, or even just a sentence."

"There's already a lot of boring parts. I'm not exactly a good writer, I know," I admitted.

"You're not all that bad, actually. I'll give you some tips later, like showing versus telling," said Celestia. "Let's see... Maybe you could tell readers to skip over a small entry? That seems unlikely to work, but we should employ as many strategies as possible."

"Sure, I can try that. There's a lot of empty space at the beginning of the journal. I left a huge gap right at the start when I forgot to write anything for more than a week, so I could go back and fill things in. I never did, though. It took a while to get into the habit of writing," I said.

"Hold on. Twilight, there aren't any gaps longer than..." said Celestia, and then she winced. "Ah, of course. That would explain why Day 7 doesn't look like any of the other entries."

I scrunched up my muzzle and squinted (as though it might help me think, I suppose). "Celestia, there isn't a Day 7 in the journal. There's a Day 10 or 11, I think, but the only single-digit days are Days 0 through 2. I'm certain of it."

Celestia shook her head. "Apparently there will be a Day 7, and somepony else will write it. We must stop talking about these kinds of details or we're going to bind ourselves into tightening temporal knots that could reduce our odds of success. I'll try to come up with a way to confuse or frighten ponies who read the journal. I might be able to mark the empty spaces magically, and if it works it should embed the message in every copy of the journal."

"Sounds like a plan. What do I do about Day 7?"

"Don't write it, but just assume it exists after Day 2. You can be certain it will contain a white lie or two."

"I don't even know if this is necessary. I mean, if this dialogue I'm writing ends up in the 'final cut', wouldn't somepony have to be a complete idiot to keep reading the story?" I asked.

"Ponies can be very foalish, Twilight. They'll probably think it's a joke, or a game, or something of that sort. If they reach this point in your journal, it's probably already too late to stop them."

"Now, wait just a minute," I said, holding up a hoof. "If you keep reading the journal, you'll see how it ends. That could tie us into a particular ending. If you read that we lose the battle, you could give up hope. That seems like a really bad idea."

"Not necessarily. It's plausible that we may win, and then amend the journal to make it appear that we'd lost," said Celestia. "That's correctable."

I nodded tiredly, and yawned. "Mmph. Can you be tired in a dream?" I asked, even though the answer was obviously yes. "I think I'm starting to lose focus."

"You can exhaust yourself in a dream when it's this lucid, yes," said Celestia. "We've been working hard on our plans, and perhaps it's time we rest. I will keep you safe from Luna, and you can rest next to me. If you like, of course."

"Sure. Can... could we do this every night?" I asked. I was tired, and I think I meant 'keep me safe from Luna', but there might have been a touch of 'I want to be close to you every night' in there. (I wasn't thinking straight at the time.)

Before I knew what to think, 'day' was 'night', and Celestia had cuddled me close under one wing. "We can," she whispered, "but it would be safer if you could avoid dreaming altogether. It was just good fortune I found you before Luna did."

And then, we slept. Er, double-slept, I guess.

Note: I'm really glad you can't smell somepony's arousal in a dream. (Well, I kind of hope you can't... or at least, that it's not that automatic there in the way real life is.) I wasn't 'turned on' really, even though I felt that way. This was platonically incredible, and somehow that tickled me down there because of all the perversion I've been exposed to. I just felt like Celestia... like, she truly loved me, for the very first time.

(And now, I'm crying onto the page, but it's okay. They're not sad tears.)

I've never had a better night's sleep in my life, even though my eyes were crusty with tears when I finally woke, several hours ago.

Before I attempt to resimulate the experience with Celestia by cuddling up next to an adorable slumbering pegasus, I need to theorize. I probably shouldn't be writing about this if knowing the answer is really such a "terrible burden", but if I could figure it out with the available evidence already, then Princess Celestia would have simply told me because that would be the only way to protect the secret. So it must be something I'm very unlikely to guess on my own.

Horsefeathers. I can't resist a challenge.

Here's a checklist of facts:

* Celestia said the secret was "a simple fact"

* It's a secret about unicorns (and maybe alicorns, etc.)

* It has the potential to destroy (or at least harm) society

* It led to somepony trying to murder Celestia (yikes!)

* Some of Celestia's censorship was to protect the secret

* Some of the taboos Celestia made were for the same reason

* It's related to (or explains) manual suppression of magic

* I've only witnessed earth ponies doing that (so far)

* The other taboos and censorship were about sex

If it's truly a simple fact, how could it be Equestria-shattering? I hate to say this, but my best hypothesis is that this is something minor, and Celestia thinks it's major because it's tied subconsciously to what she went through with her sister. She did suffer for at least a millennium, after all. (Sorry Princess Celestia, but the facts do seem to point in this direction.)

My best guess is that the secret is "earth ponies can do something weird with manumancy that blocks unicorn spells". Earth ponies have better manumantic magic than unicorns or pegasi, and maybe they can create some kind of an anti-magic field around their hooves. That sounds ridiculous, but it can't be far from the correct answer. (It could also explain the taboo about touching horns, though that's probably more of a sex thing.)

But here's the problem: if that's the secret, it's nowhere near "dangerous" to society! I don't think even a grieving Celestia would care about something that unremarkable, and it certainly wouldn't lead to somepony trying to kill her, for Sun's sake. It isn't like earth ponies want to conquer the unicorns or anything, and even if they did, it wouldn't matter. If an earth pony is close enough to somepony to grab them by the horn (and actually wants to kill them), that unicorn would have their neck snapped in a split-second anyway.

Dammit. There's something on the tip of my brain that isn't coming out. It's something about unicorns, something obvious I've written about recently... I just know there's a simple bit of evidence that I'm forgetting. Maybe my subconscious is trying to prevent me from realizing it? Maybe it really is some horrible, devastating secret, and I have a mental block inside me...?

Eh, I'm doubtful. I'm betting at least three-to-one (second bet in the same journal entry, but another safe one) that this falls into the category of, "not a big deal at all, but it probably helps society be more civil if nopony knows, just like the sex and biology stuff Celestia also suppressed."

Well, that's more than enough hoof-wringing and head-scratching for now. It's time to stop overthinking stuff that doesn't matter, and time to go hold a good friend close to my heart. I'll worry about the "convince ponies to stop reading a story that nopony in their right mind would read in the first place" thing later.

Addendum: fuck. The bubble spell must have come off while I was crying. The sigil still holds, we didn't make any noise (well, apart from Dash's snoring), and I recast the bubble just now, so we're probably safe.

Addendum number two: Guess again.