All that's left to write is the lucid dream from last night. I'm marking it Day 56 even though I slept late so it was probably actually Day 57—it's just much simpler to mark days based on when I sleep and wake, as long as my cycle matches a normal calendar day (a typical diurnal schedule). Not everything needs to be perfectly accurate when the details aren't important, because you can't get anything done if you obsess on the little things too much. Tasks should be handled head-on, first for efficiency, then quality. (Lecture over.)

Context: I don't have any of Zecora's potion with me, so I can't easily sleep without Luna finding me. Before Rainbow conked out, she allowed me to cast a spell on her that would localize her dream-self into a small three-dimensional sphere (not a globe: a three-dimensional sphere is the topological surface of a four-dimensional ball) in a way that might make it harder for Princess Luna to detect her. The topology of the sphere theoretically prevents it from intersecting with other dreams (there are no boundaries because it "wraps-around", so to speak, so there's no "ledge" of sorts upon which a dreamwalker could gain purchase—oh, and I think in the process of crafting the spell I may have come up with a possible solution to the Ponicare conjecture(!), which would be an enormous leap forward in topological mathematics, but that's jumping the gun and has nothing whatsoever to do with vamponies).

Unfortunately, I don't think I can cast the spell on myself while maintaining the sigil and bubble at the same time. Even after reinforcing both of those, I'm pretty sure I'd be in trouble if I pulled my mind out of contact entirely from the physical world. That's essentially what the spell should do for up to twelve hours. (This is why Rainbow Dash is still asleep, I now realize... the spell probably won't end early unless she strongly wills it to. It must be a good dream. Is it wrong to fancy myself with her in her dreams? Yeah, that's probably wrong.)

I also needed genuine REM sleep, so I couldn't refresh myself completely without actually sleeping in a semi-normal fashion. So, I simply attempted to quell my thoughts as I slept, and hoped for the best.

I'm not entirely sure whether what happened qualifies as "the best"...

I drifted in a weightless ether, trying my damndest to suppress my magical senses. Those would be the easiest way for Luna to detect me, and she'd probably be dreamwalking now due to her temporary need for a diurnal schedule.

(You know, Journal, I've occasionally wondered if I should keep a crepuscular schedule, being awake at dawn and dusk I mean, based on my name? Can ponies successfully handle two cycles each day? I don't think we can with dependable symmetry—the best hope would probably be something like almost six hours of sleep in midday and then three to four at midnight. Then we could have a more robust overlap of Equestrian Princess wakefulness. I guess it doesn't matter as long as Luna's awake through most of the evening to monitor for emergencies, because she's easily able to wake both of us up over long distances.)

No, wait. I'm being incredibly hubristic, Journal. Here I am trying to equate myself to Celestia and Luna, and I'm a little foal compared to either of them, both physically AND emotionally/mentally! I don't even understand why I'm a princess, to be honest, even though ascension typically happens when a pony is young—and that in itself is weird, because most EUP ponies' best work happens in middle-age after they've developed life experiences which I have yet to taste. I mean, I can accept it for the other three alicorns currently extant, because all three of them have royal blood and were descended from an alicorn line. I'm not royal by birth in any way. Who am I, really?

Ugh, I'm ruminating again. Never mind. Where was I? Right, the ether.

I had my eyes closed and floated in space, but the world around me got brighter and a little warmer. I started to feel my back accelerating, and then soft grass beneath it. I was completely lucid and somepony else was controlling my dream. I'd already been found. I took a deep breath, opened my eyes, and rolled over onto my ankles.

Princess Celestia was standing right in front of me.

"Is this some kind of joke, Luna?" I said, standing up and setting a shield in front of me.

I immediately regretted this as soon as I saw Celestia's face. At first I thought she was sad, but then I recognized it as pity. I've never seen that face on her before, which was further proof it wasn't her... But somehow, I knew that it was, anyway. I dropped the shield and lowered my head.

"It's me, Twilight. I understand you've been through a lot lately," she said, making no move to approach.

"How did this happen? Am I even still dreaming?" (I could have easily believed I was awake from my surroundings and senses—this was definitely Luna-quality stuff, albeit brighter and cheerier.)

"Sadly, we are only dreaming, but don't worry. We're safe here," she said, then rested on the grass. Her face had that practiced smile she's so famous for, but I saw a hint of sadness in her eyes—something I wouldn't have been able to detect before this nightmare began, I suspect.

So I sat down with her, a little closer than normal speaking distance. She seemed to like that (said her eyes).

I stated the obvious. "You can keep your sister from finding us."

Celestia nodded. "Yes. I learned long ago how to shroud my dream state from her prying eye," she said. "Not that she would ever intrude upon my privacy, but our relationship once bore certain... stresses." She took a deep breath. For a moment I lay transfixed by her gorgeous, flowing mantle which I hadn't seen in far too long, but then I rapidly shook my head back to reality (well, back to dream-reality, anyway).

"I hope you're doing okay," I said. "This seems a more logical means of communication than needing to draw with blood." I tried to put a hint of concern in my voice, and ended up with a lot. (Oops.)

Celestia smiled a genuine grin. "I'll be fine. I've been through much worse than a little hoof-prick, my faithful student." (Emphasis mine.) Those words made my heart soar. Ever since she'd started treating me as an equal... I don't know, Journal. I think I felt like it was more of a demotion than a promotion. How do I know how I've done? I had so much to learn from her, and she denied this fact at every turn... It isn't fair. I'm so unready for what I have to bear (although in comparison to this extended nightmarish world of vamponies, I think managing a state would be a breeze).

Even amid the turmoil in my mind and heart (figurative, of course—I wasn't having a myocardial infarction or anything... not yet, at least), in the back of my mind I wondered if I was being manipulated it some way. I wouldn't care, if she's trying to save the world and all, but... I've become too wary, Journal. I'm afraid everyone will hurt me now. It's just a sad fact.

"What's the situation?" I asked, getting down to brass tacks. (Crap, I shouldn't have mentioned metals and horse tack. Now I'm thinking about saddles and bridles again.)

"Not good," said Celestia. "I'm being treated very well, and Fluttershy spends about half of her time with me, which is generous given that she seems to be running the Crystal Kingdom all by herself. But my hooves are chained, and I'm wearing a rather primitive ounckse."

"I can't... I can't imagine," I whispered, and now it was my turn to show pity. In my mind, Celestia was—no, IS—everything. She's the best of all of us, and the best in all of us. It is so wrong for her to be brought low. It's an injustice I can hardly fathom is real.

Celestia frowned. "Twilight, we must get one thing straight between us. I am a pony." (Emphasis hers.)

"Well, duh, of... Oh. You mean you're not perfect, or something like that," I realized. "You're still the best pony in three kingdoms, Celestia, and you deserve every bit of adoration your little ponies can give. Everypony looks up to you."

Then, something very unexpected happened. She scooted several centimeters closer to me, took my chin in her hoof, and turned my blushing face toward hers.

"I know, Twilight," she said, very softly. "Even you; even after all this time."

Then I noticed a small tear at the corner of one of her eyes.

Let me be crystal clear on this, Journal. Not only have I never seen Princess Celestia cry before, I've never read about it happening. I didn't know she could cry, even though that sounds ridiculous. I didn't know what to think, but I bit nervously at my lip, trying to recover—trying to find anything to help her.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way.... I'm sure you make mistakes just like anypony else," I lied.

Surreptitiously, she turned her head just barely far enough to remove the tear with a flash of magic from her horn, outside of my vision. But at this point, we both knew.

"To bring us back to the topic at hoof, allow me to speak of my situation at length, because I'm out of ideas on my end of things. Then we can talk more about you, which I very much want to do." Princess Celestia removed her forehoof greaves (which I have also never witnessed) and placed her hooves on mine.

I probably blushed like wildfire, but all I could do was squeak out a little, "O-okay."

She nodded, and pulled her hooves back just a little. "I am well cared for, and comfortable. But I am impotent with this cursed relic around my horn. I cannot reach it with my hooves, and my wings lack the strength and leverage to dislodge it. The only items in the room are carpeted walls and flooring, cushions, and blankets. The connected lavatory is equally bare," she explained. "The toilet seat has been glued down. I've tried scraping it against my horn, but the room is small enough that I can't get leverage unless my body is outside, and then the nightwing guard pokes me with a stick. I haven't had a shower in a few days, but that's not much of a complaint. Oh, and I've also been informed by the Bearer of Kindness (Emphasis hers.) that the entire room has a magic barrier around it, so even if I had my magic, it would only work on items within the room itself. Notably, this means I would not be able to teleport out of the room, unless I am being bluffed. I do not think I am being bluffed as I can sense the magic field even with the ounckse in place. I am open to any ideas, but if you have none, we should move to talk about your strategy."

The wheels in my head were turning from the beginning of her speech, and it took all my efforts to keep myself from interrupting—because I had an answer already.

"Use dark magic," I replied the moment she finished saying the word 'strategy'. "If you cast a spell through your eyes with dark magic, it bypasses the ounckse. Teleportation works, but the look and feel of the spell is very different, which is typical for dark magic. In this case, there's no flash or sound, but there's a distinct dark cloud you can see that traverses the distance, and I think the action is slower. Oh, and one warning: it still won't work if somepony is suppressing the horn directly. Apparently the vamponies know how to do just by making hoof-to-horn contact, but I don't know how."

Princess Celestia opened her muzzle wide enough to fit a wedge of cake within it, then closed it a few seconds later. I stared nervously at her until she finally spoke.

"For the idea, you amaze me as always, Twilight. I never thought to attempt dark magic with a non-dark spell, partly because it is inherently dangerous," she said. "I had no idea it were even possible. As for the horn suppression... I do understand, but I cannot inform you of what I know."

"What? Why?" I asked. I'm sure the hurt was apparent in my face. "Don't you trust me, Princess?"

Celestia reached out and petted the side of my mane (I didn't actually realize this was somewhat affectionate until I awoke—I was kind of numb at the time—and I don't mean 'Celestia was hitting on me' for goodness' sake, because that is beyond ridiculous, and I am most definitely not thinking about it right now either).

"Twilight Sparkle, I trust you almost as much as I trust my own sister; and in some ways, even more. Never have I had a friend as loyal and trustworthy as you, and perhaps I have betrayed that trust, which pains me," she said. "Trust is not the reason I am keeping this information from you."

Being called a friend resonated with me inside in ways I can't describe. I think... I think I've never actually felt like Celestia was my friend, and I'm not sure why.

"But why must you keep it secret?" I asked. "Can you at least tell me that?"

Princess Celestia took a slow, deliberate breath before speaking. "When all of this is over, it will be essential to remove everypony else's memories of the horn suppression technique. The reason I don't want to tell you is that I don't want to remove any of your memories. There's a small chance of nearby memory loss," she explained. "Perhaps, after therapy, you will decide you want to lose some memory of this time period, and if you do, I can accept that. But you've proven yourself a very strong little pony, dear Twilight, time and time again. I hope you can learn to accept things and learn from these experiences. Over time, the pain will lessen, I can promise you that. And I will do what I can to ease it."

Again, she placed her hooves on mine.

It was motherly. Wasn't it? It had to be. I shouldn't even be ruminating about it now that she can read all of the horrible shit I've done. I don't want her to see me fantasizing about her or something. (I'm not, I swear it, Princess Celestia. I love you too much to do that to you.) Anyway, I'm getting ahead of events now, so back to the transcription, with hopefully less ad-libbing on my part.

I let her hooves remain there, and I probably blushed, but I still felt hurt. "Do you really think it's unsafe for me to know? I don't understand how if you trust me—"

"Twilight, it is unsafe for ANYPONY to know. (Strong emphasis hers.) I have put a tremendous amount of effort across long centuries to ensure that this knowledge will not be brought to light again. Not after what happened with Nightmare Moon. I had to suppress the knowledge in my own sister, Twilight. The very moment she returned. My own sister," she said, and her muzzle was twitching. "The fewer ponies that know, the safer we all are. I once had to rid this knowledge from the entire populous of Equestria. Hundreds of thousands of ponies, back then, and countless books. It took nearly a century to pin it down completely, and even then, loose ends remained for another two or three centuries."

"Is... this why you fought with her?" I asked, and immediately regretted it, even though she didn't react. It simply was not my place to ask.

"Partly, yes. Too many problems had resulted from this knowledge. Somepony even tried to kill me in my sleep over it—not my sister, mind you. Knowing is a terrible burden, and it should be mine alone. Only I deserve this weight upon my withers."

"I... I had no idea," I said, and thought better of correcting her about the 'deserving' thing, even though it was probably the wrongest thing ever to have emerged from that delicate mouth.

"Of course," said Princess Celestia.

"Didn't she care for your safety?" I asked.

"That was actually the problem. She cared more about the secret than I did—I wanted to keep it public knowledge, and she was the one who said we should suppress, especially after the attempt on my life. Only after Nightmare Moon's banishment did I realize my sister had been right all along. I waited until the war with the changeling hivelands, and then I did what needed to be done."

I said nothing in response. My former mentor's face was blank, but I knew it was eating her from the inside out. I'm starting to suspect this thing is still with her after a millennium, and she might not be completely rational regarding the consequences of her actions. I know I'm not exactly rational now, and I'm starting to think that this poor, beautiful alicorn mare has suffered more than I have... and for a much longer period.

And what happens if these experiences scar me like those scarred her? What if one of my closest friends were to die because of something I did, or didn't do? I, I don't...

Dammit, I have to stop thinking about this.

"Between that, and that changeling beast who... who raped her in her dreams," she said, her muzzle puckered with anger, nostrils flared. "She ended up going entirely mad, and gave herself to the darkness. Jealousy had little to do with it, but myths are usually sanitized versions of the truth, and that was the only story I could think to tell my little ponies that might allow them to one day forgive her for what she had done."

Just for a moment, her eyes flashed like fire—then it faded completely.

"Never, ever, tell Luna I informed you of that. Please," said Princess Celestia, who suddenly looked very vulnerable. "I did not want anypony to know this, and though I may yet hide things from you, I admit that you are one of my only confidants, Twilight."

I shook my head no. Besides, how could I tell anypony the truth? It was me. I'm the one who violated her, in that time-looped dream—I'm almost positive! I actually didn't realize this until I woke up, probably because I wouldn't have been able to continue the discussion while saddled with this much guilt. And now that she has the link to the completed iteration of this book, Celestia will read the truth I didn't tell her in person, and...

No. You know what? It's fine. This, this thing... will be okay. I know she'll forgive me, because I had practically no choice in the matter. Maybe she'll hate me for a century or two, but I'll probably deserve it, and I'd be fine if that happened if it meant we'd found a way to survive this terrible situation.

Wait a moment. Stars above, did I actually start a war? Oh dear Celestia, it hurts to even imagine...

I don't know w

No, I have to stop writing about this now. I can't do this. I'll come back in an hour, and try to finish then.