I woke up a little before dawn. My collar has changed, apparently. There's a soft, furry lining on the inside of it now. Pinkie Pie must have added a piece to it while I was sleeping? It isn't like a slip, it's an actual part of the collar. It feels very comfortable.

Um, I'm not saying I like the collar, mind you, I'm just saying it's comfortable to wear. Bleah.

I'm a little disturbed by this because I don't know how Pinkie could have modified the collar while I was sleeping. I hope this doesn't mean Pinkie knew how to take off the collar the entire time and just didn't mention that to me. Though technically, she never said she wasn't able to remove it. Plus, I relented pretty quickly.

I need to ask her, just to be safe, but she's asleep. I can't get it off with my hooves. I could undoubtedly magic it off, and probably without damaging it, but I'd rather not mess with it right now. It feels nice, and I might actually need this at some point (maybe to convince the vamponies I'm on their side or something). I'm going to do some light reading to clear my mind, because I feel strange at the moment.

On a separate note, I seem to have misplaced Rarity's device. I might have left it in the basement, but I'd rather not risk waking Zecora for something that minor.

Oh horse apples. Spike is missing!

I can't believe I didn't notice it right away. I'm so used to his snoring that I tune it out automatically, but he's gone. It's like four in the morning and he isn't in his bed. I've checked the entire tree, including the basement (Zecora is sound asleep). He's not even out on the balcony like he said he was the last time he was missing. Where could he be?

What if he had been sleeping on the balcony? He might have been foalnapped! But who would climb the side of the tree at this time of night? Even with her vampony senses, Rarity shouldn't be able to smell him way up on the balcony on a rainy evening, and Pinkie's made it clear Rarity is keeping diurnal hours.

This doesn't make any sense. Spike was sleeping in his bed for most of the afternoon and evening, so he should be awake now, and yet he's gone. No note, nothing.

I need to think about this.

Emergency cancelled, thank goodness. Apparently Spike was on the balcony sleeping, and I just didn't see him. He just came in.

Correction. Spike wasn't sleeping outside after all... Read on.

"Spike! Where were you?" I asked.

"I... I was sleeping outside," said Spike.

"That doesn't make any sense. Why are you still sleeping outside when it's damp and cold and dangerous because it could blow our cover?"

"Look, Twilight... I need to get out of the tree sometimes. It's kind of driving me nuts being cooped up in here, and nopony can see me when it's dark out," he said.

I paused and stared at him as it dawned on me. "Spike... have you been lying to me?"

It looked like Spike was on the verge of tears.

"I don't want to talk about this," he whimpered.

"I need you to be honest with me, Spike! I have so few friends right now I can trust," I pleaded.

"I'm on your side, Twilight, I swear! I, I just, I've been out of the tree, and some ponies know I'm in town," he explained.

"What? Does Rarity know?" I asked.

"Well... Yeah. She knows I'm staying in the library. I don't think she cares, though. She thinks you're not here, and I'm pretty sure you and Dash are the only ponies the Order is looking for. They don't see Pinkie Pie or me as threats, at least not right now. She hasn't even stopped by the library to say hi."

"It would have been nice to know this earlier," I said, the disappointment on my face obvious. "Why have you been lying to me?"

"Well... I've been watching Rarity, and you told me to stay in the library," said Spike. "I didn't want you to have to have an anxiety attack about it. I'm just really worried about her, and... and I'm really, really lonely, and I'm scared. I want to believe she's not a bad pony. But I swear, I haven't betrayed you, please..."

I sighed and held my head in my hooves. "Spike, this is awful. I feel like I can't trust you anymore. I'm not sure what to do."

"Rarity is the only thing I've kept secret, sis. I Pinkie Pie Swear it! Please, please believe me," he said, looking up to me with puppy-dog eyes. (Figuratively, though I have seen it literally before; long story.)

I snorted. "I guess I have no choice. But are you telling me everything, Spike?"

Spike winced and said nothing. I bit down on my tongue to avoid flying into a rage.

"Damn it, Spike! Look, I have too much to worry about today with the preparations for Pinkie's mission and Thunderlane coming over. I just can't deal with your issues right now! I love you, and I know you're going through a lot, and I'm not going to judge you, but I need to know if Zecora or I have been compromised."

"Nopony knows either of you are in the library, not even Rarity! Only Pinkie and me," he said. "I would never let that happen."

I sighed and closed my eyes. "Come here," I ordered. Spike walked reluctantly toward me. It looked like he was afraid I was going to hit him or something.

He seemed surprised when I embraced him in a hug, and then he cried on my shoulder.

"We'll talk about this first thing tomorrow, and once we do, no more secrets between us. Until then, you have to stay inside the tree. Okay?" I said.

Spike sniffled and nodded, holding me very tightly. Then he headed off to the bathroom with his tail tucked between his legs.

Right now Spike is taking a long bath, and I'm trying not to cry. I can't stand being lied to, even by omission. It really hurts. I'm very disappointed in Spike, but to be honest, I can't fully blame him for being unable to control his psychological needs. Hell, he's been much stronger than I have in many ways, and he's still just a kid. If only we could all be as strong as we need to be, what a world that would make! But that steadfast hope, the hope of self-control, seems to be fading into the past with each passing day. I don't believe Pinkie Pie when she says becoming a vampony all the way gives you back some control. I think we're becoming part of a machine made of directionless, engine-driven ponies racing in all directions. It won't be long before we all crash and burn, no matter how much Mac and my brother and the rest of them believe the Order of Spring can bring about some kind of senseless utopia.

Rarity, however, I can be angry with. She's my friend, and I want to bring her back to her senses, and maybe she doesn't have any control over this either; but I need to blame somepony, and right now it's her. If she were standing in front of me at this moment I would slap the Mulebelline off her face so hard, between the makeup and the false eyelashes she'd look like a bucking Ponicasso.

Heh.

Sorry, Journal. That's just a hilarious image.

Anyway. Fuck you, Rarity. Er, but not in the way you'd like. (Eww gross.)

Okay. I'm waiting for Pinkie to bring Thunderlane over, but something important happened between us that bears mentioning here, despite my interest in keeping the juicy details off the record.

While Spike bathed, I was feeling pretty vulnerable so I cuddled up next to Pinkie Pie on the pile of cushions where she slept. (Does this make me a pervert? I don't know.) She immediately latched onto me with all four legs and hugged tight, still (apparently) sleeping, so once I sat down next to her, it wasn't like I could get away or anything without waking her up.

I'm not complaining, though. It was wonderful, maybe because I'm a lost cause, maybe not. I don't know what normal is anymore, and I suppose I never really did. Holding her feels so nice, and she smells like bubblegum and candy, and she's so soft... But it's really just the idea that I have a friend who loves me so much she wants to share everything with me, even physical contact, to the point where it's hard to tell where she ends and I begin and that just feels right to me.

I wonder if I'm falling in love. I still feel this way about Applejack, too. Is it possible to be in love with more than one pony? Pinkie sure seems to think so. And it feels like it's possible. I don't really care at the moment, however. Feeling her heart beat next to mine, her soft (if a bit rancid from all the candy) breath on my cheek, her warmth, the hug that covers my whole body and won't let go... it's amazing. I mean, I know I love her as a friend, but I think there's more. Yes. There's more. I'm not sure what that means, but it's true and I can no longer deny it.

Pinkie woke a few minutes later, looked me in the eyes, then kissed me right on the lips. I relaxed into the kiss, and I willingly let her inside (my mouth and my heart). This was dangerous. I mean, how deeply I was letting her into my heart, just like that. If she had asked me to come with her to see Rarity and have my brain yanked out of my skull I'm pretty sure would have said yes. But I think it's supposed to work this way? Love involves an incredible amount of trust, and maybe that's the point. The fact that my life was in her hooves made it feel even better, because I wanted her to control everything about me, to decide my fate, throwing my opinions and desires away and letting them transform into hers. I loved it, I really, really did. I was giving my entire life to her right there and then. I think she knew it, too, but she didn't take advantage of it, and that's how she showed me she loves me back. It's scary and I know it's wrong but it feels more amazing than I can describe in words.

It was even better when she pulled tightly on the ring of my collar with the tip of her hoof and forced the kiss to go deeper. I was so wet I could smell it (eww, I know, I know) so I know she could definitely pick up on it. But the telltale shivering of my shoulders and the lax touch of my tongue would have told her anyway. She knew I was hers, and I think we both liked it that way.

Eventually her legs relaxed and I was able to part from our embrace. (I thought she might start hoofing me off, to be honest, but she wanted to talk instead. At least, at first.)

"Good morning sunshine," said Pinkie Pie, her voice cheerful as always but uncharacteristically... sultry?

"H-hi," I gasped, my hooves shaking.

"Oh! I meant good morning, Twilight. That might have been confusing," she pondered aloud.

That made me chuckle. "Good morning Pinkie," I replied.

"Hay, before I get Thunderlane I should probably show you something special! You have a lot to learn today, after all," she said.

"I... I do?"

"Yep! I mean, there's no way you'll be able to fight off those nasty vamponies until you learn just a teeny-tiny bit more about lovemaking," she said.

"Ugh. Pinkie, look, I admit it. I really, really like being this close to you. But as much as I enjoy it, you're starting to..." I said, and my voice drifted off.

"To do whaaaaat?" she asked, in a sing-songy voice.

"You're starting to, to... to own me. I feel like you could get me to do anything you wanted, and since you're a vampony that's kind of dangerous," I said.

Shit. Why did I tell her that? No, wait: I know why. I told her because I wanted her to own me. Hell, I still want it. I wanted her to take possession of me so badly it slipped right up from my subconscious and out of my mouth. Celestia, I'm so weak and stupid right now. But the shock of letting those words escape? It was like a bolt of lightning deep in my loins. I... I was dripping. I know that's gross but for some reason it doesn't seem gross anymore.

What the hell is happening to me? I mean, I'm not a vampony! Right?

Pinkie blushed and giggled. "I love you too, Twi," she whispered, and kissed me on the nose. "But you need to put some of those feelings in check. That's kind of the reason you need more experience. Once you're used to sex, it won't overwhelm you so much."

"It feels like the opposite is true, Pinkie. The closer I get to ponies, the more I want to give in further," I griped.

"Well, that's just because you don't satisfy your urges the right way! I'd better show you this morning before I go get Thunderlane, or else when we get to the library you'll greet us with your tail lifted," she said, grinning like a Cheshire cat.

"That... Okay, yes. That's a good idea," I said. The mental image was enough to send me another pleasant tickleshiver down below. This was starting to get ridiculous. "So..."

"Oh! Well, we can start by taking a bath together," she said.

"That might be a little cramped, Pinkie. And it sounds kind of weird, too. But, you're the boss," I relented.

"Your bathtub has plenty of room!" she insisted. "But it's the best place to teach you things because you're kinda new to all of this and some of the delicious flavors and scents can be a little overwhelming at first."

I knocked on the bathroom door, and Spike said he'd be out shortly. He'd already drained the bath a while ago so I don't know what he was doing in there. Meanwhile, I was stewing in my own juices (literally). Pinkie kept giving me these cute looks and winks while we waited, and that wasn't helping things any.

And now I guess I need to describe our bath. Oh colt.

I still can't believe I did this with my best friend. It seems wrong, but I need it like air. Even though Pinkie was right and it did help immensely, I'm going to need to stock some of the libido-blockers Zecora made. They might be in short supply, but without them, I'm in trouble. Maybe we can grow some aconitum indoors or something? Dear Celestia, I hope so...

Pinkie and I went into the bathroom together. Spike left wearing a towel around his waist and one around his head, and he looked embarrassed. He's so cute like that, though. I mean, his scales don't need a towel, but I think he wants to look like a pony with a towel for the mane and tail! I probably shouldn't tell him it makes him look like a mare, though, because colts usually have shorter manes, so they don't normally need to wear a towel like that.

Anyway, we shut the door behind us. It was already a little misty in here from Spike's long bath. He likes to take these long baths where he keeps draining and refilling the tub with hot water. I've asked him not to do it anymore because it's a waste of hot water, and Ponyville pumps in water already hot rather than using water heaters (which are dangerous and unreliable, somepony should really engineer them with a pressure-release valve or something), but at least he doesn't do it for seven hours straight anymore.

Oh, and Rarity's device was resting on the sink. It still had that pleasant scent on it.

"Oh, yuck. I really need to break it to Spike that this isn't a bath toy. I suppose he thinks anything with Rarity's cutie mark on it is his to play with however he pleases. It's very warm to the touch, so it must have been in the bath with him," I noted. "No, wait. That doesn't make any sense. Iron is a heat reservoir, but it also conducts heat quickly enough that it should be cool to the touch by now, since he drained the tub more than thirty minutes ago. Pinkie, is this thing magical?"

Pinkie Pie blushed and giggled. "Not exactly. Don't worry! Auntie Pinkie will explain it to you later."

"Uh-oh. Is this one of those things I don't want to know about?" I whined.

"Yep!" beamed Pinkie.

I tried to put it out of my mind.

Pinkie drew us a warm bath. I like hot baths, but she said it's easier if the water isn't too hot, and besides we were going to make it hot anyway (oh my gosh I just got the joke, duh). And of course it was a bubble bath, because Pinkie. I wanted to take off the collars but she said they're fine in the tub. Apparently the furry part dries out really easily if you run the edge of a towel there. (I guess I need to stop worrying so much about little things.)

Anyway, we got in and relaxed together. She cuddled up next to me with the water up to our necks as we lay on our sides. I'm not gonna lie, it was really nice. Maybe I am a lesbian, Journal. I don't really know. I still feel kind of squiffy thinking about Flash. Can I like colts and fillies? Is that a thing? I mean, I'm sure Pinkie Pie does. I don't think she cares about labels, and that seems like a good policy. I just want to know "what" I am, because I feel this way and I know I'm not a vampony. I'm probably a pervert or something. Argh.

"Let me get you clean first, then I can get you dirty," giggled Pinkie Pie. She scrubbed herself with a soap-loaded exfoliating sponge I keep in the bath, and then she scrubbed me with it. She made me stand up so she could get my, um, more "personal" areas.

"Be gentle back there, Pinkie," I warned her.

"Of course silly! I'm going to give you a gentle scroof with the sponge, then do the rest by hoof," she said. "Or, y'know, whatever." Pinkie rubbed me once firmly with the sponge, up against my "bagel" and over the outside rim of my vulva. It felt nice, but I really wasn't prepared for what came next...

Ah, nuts. It sounds like Thunderlane's here. I'll continue this entry here later, no need to save extra space this time.