It was a nice day in Ponyville. The sun was bright, the sky was clear, and a refreshing breeze blew through the town. Being a rural settlement, the town was already bustling in the early hours of the morning. Farmers got up the earliest, way before dawn to tend their fields, feed their animals and take care of whatever work needed doing. Their families tended to be relatively robust, and any available hooves were put to work, rain or shine. When that was done and when the sun was well into the sky, they hauled their goods and crops to town where they set up their stalls in the market to be sold.

That’s not to say that the farmers sold crops exclusively. It was not uncommon for them to also extend their attention to other goods. For instance, the Carrot family specialized in making their very own furniture. They cut down their very own trees, turned them into lumber, sanded them, polished them and worked them into a finished product that was second to none in Ponyville and indeed, most if not all its resident ponies could claim to have purchased the Carrot family’s exquisite products at some point or another, and why wouldn’t they? They were sturdy, pleasing to look at, and lasted a very long time.

The Berry family, while growing a diverse set of berries, also found the time now and then to render them into fragrant soaps and shampoos which many a mare(and some stallions) eagerly waited on and when available, were almost sure to run out before noon. Even Berry Punch, when not getting drunk off her own product, could still turn a profit on the instances when she managed to crawl out of bed, or wherever she may have laid the night before, and sell her own stock of artisanal wines and spirits.

Roseluck and her sisters, unofficially labeled as the flower ponies, sold on the weekends a particularly delectable type of cold soup called gazpacho, the key ingredient being the delicate flower petals from their very own stock. It was a recipe supposedly learned by them when taking botanical classes at the Manehattan Institute of Horticulture and very refreshing on a warm summer day.

But they were not the only ones. Ponyville had a healthy population and every year that number grew. However, Ponyville itself was primarily settled by earth ponies and in its early days, it was already a self-sufficient little town. There were no trains back then, and so any supplies or necessities would have to be crafted by the ponies themselves. If somepony needed, say, a repellant to keep malignant bugs and insects from preying on their crops, they couldn’t exactly walk down to the neighborhood store, as there was no neighborhood store. They would have to make do and make a homemade solution themselves and when word spread, that very same repellant would come in demand, and ponies would be willing to pay bits for it.

Granted, Stinking Rich would eventually open up Barnyard Bargains and bring some much needed supplies to the budding young town, but the tradition the earlier families of Ponyville held of making their very own products to suit the town’s needs was alive and strong even to this day. It was the reason there weren’t very many stores in town, as the ponies got what they needed from the town’s very own residents, while the rest could be found at Barnyard Bargains. Even so, there were still some niches like that store that sold quills and sofas, the local bookstore and of course HumanSmart, for all your human needs.

Curiously enough, the one family that didn’t partake in this rich tradition was the very same family that, without it, Ponyville might not have even existed. No one could deny that the Apple family grew the most delicious, scrumptious apples in Equestria, to say nothing of their legendary cider and zap apple products. Throughout the years they had been regarded as standing pillars in the community and were generally well respected members of society. Even so, there were a few select number that quietly resented the Apples for not engaging in this tradition, believing they thought themselves as ‘too good’ or ‘superior’ to the other families. Still, they kept it to themselves and never actually brought out the subject in public.

What they didn’t take into account was the fact that, at least for the current generation of the Apple family, their numbers were not large enough to take care of their admittedly massive fields and still have time left over to make their own hoofmade products. Big Macintosh and Applejack had to take care of practically all the workload, while little Applebloom helped where she could. However, due to recent circumstances-- namely that little incident over a week prior-- Applejack had been left out of commision and so it fell to her elder sibling to take care of her workload.

Big Macintosh had been running himself ragged in trying to take care of everything that needed doing, not leaving him time for much of anything and so it fell to Applebloom to take the harvested apples to the Ponyville market and sell them. She would regularly help her siblings when it came to this and so she knew by heart how to set up her stall.

However capable and attentive though she may be, Applebloom was still a filly and so she didn't have the best concept of profit vs loss margins, as evidenced by the fact that, during her first day manning the stall the filly thought that if she sold a dozen apples for a bit, ponies would be sure to line up and she could sell her stock quickly; she could then close up shop and have the rest of the day to hang out with Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo. Well, it worked. The filly sold all her apples in only a couple of hours and felt immensely proud of herself, wondering why neither Applejack or Big Mac followed her example and instead chose to sell the apples at two for one bit. Naturally, Granny Smith and Big Mac weren't amused when they learned of this and she wasn't allowed to man the apple stall by herself again, which was a bit of a disappointment to the naive filly.

Still, it wasn't all bad news. Only two days prior was Applejack released from the hospital and the fretful family had rejoiced, receiving their kin with open arms and though the occasion would normally call for a hearty feast, Applejack was strictly restricted to puréed and/or very soft foods for the time being, as per doctor's orders. A bit of a moot point as the brace she'd be wearing on her mouth for the next few days would prevent much of any chewing.

Anypony who knew the cowpony would be able to tell that if there was one single quality that defined Applejack and her character, it would be her staunch and unyielding honesty. What was not as known about the farm mare was that she also possessed a stubborn and bullheaded streak rivaled only by Rainbow Dash, this being made especially evident as within a day of being back on the farm, Applejack was adamant in working her cherished orchards. Of course, her family had tried to talk her out of this, as her doctor had prescribed plenty of rest, but the farm pony's stubborn streak won out. Eventually, she and her family arrived at an agreement. Applejack could help out with the lighter chores, nothing especially strenuous. The farmpony would not drive herself crazy with lounging around the house all day and her family need not fear her bring harm unto herself.

So it was with this that Applebloom now found herself with a free day, leisurely lounging on the Cutie Mark Crusader clubhouse. The filly had done her best during Applejack's absence and had earned a day off for her hard work, which she was currently enjoying as she laid back on the small sofa of the clubhouse, a magazine in her hooves and a cool glass of lemonade nearby.

Keeping her company were her two best friends in the whole wide world, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo. The small unicorn laid belly down on the floor and kept herself busy with crayons and a few blank pages, doodling different types of cutie marks, every now and then sighing wistfully as she fantasized what her very own mark would look like someday-- if that day ever came. Scootaloo, meanwhile, kept her focus on a particularly large snail that was crawling through the wall of the clubhouse, the poor filly bored out of her mind as there was nothing to engage her. She understood that Applebloom was still a little worn out from her increased workload at the farm, but still! They'd been lounging for almost half an hour and like her idol, the Pegasus filly was a restless spirit, not the type to be lazing about when there were so many other ways to occupy her time.

She looked over to her friends, who didn't seem to share her sentiments and sighed. Applebloom didn't miss this and looked from the magazine to her friend.

"Is something wrong, Scoots?"

The feathered filly looked over and, after a moment of indecision, spoke. "It's boring in here. Can't we go do something else?"

Sweetie Belle ducked her head, letting out a muffled noise between a sigh and a grunt, then raised her head and stared balefully at her tactless friend. “Seriously, Scootaloo?” Despite the fact Sweetie Belle was but a filly, she idolized her sister Rarity, whose maturity and personality had slightly rubbed off on the little unicorn, making her a tad more tactful and considerate to others. Just before arriving at the clubhouse Sweetie Belle had anticipated her feathered friend would grow restless and try to cajole them into doing something else and asked her to keep such thoughts to herself and not bother Applebloom. Still, it seemed that Scootaloo had a finite amount of patience.

“I’m just saying… there’s got to be other stuff we can do instead of just laying around in here.”

“What did ya have in mind?” asked Applebloom, sitting up straight.

“Well, we’re the Cutie Mark Crusaders, aren’t we?”

“Yes…” both Sweetie and Applebloom said.

“And the point of being the Crusaders is to crusade for our cutie marks, right?”

“You saying you want tuh go crusadin’ then?”

“Yes!” Scootaloo burst out. “Sweetie and I haven’t gone crusading ‘cause we’ve been waiting for you to get some free time, and you are free right now?”

Sweetie Belle was about to admonish her brash friend, but Applebloom cut in. “Well… I ahm feeling better already. Yeah, I could go for some crusadin’.”

Sweetie sighed, seeing her fretfulness was for naught. “But what can we do? Do you all remember we were taking a break from crusading because we ran out of ideas?”

“Oh… yeah,” Scootaloo said, looking a bit less boisterous.

“Unless you or Applebloom have come up with anything new?”

“Well…” Applebloom said, a look of concentration on her face. “We could get our cutie marks in being doctors or nurses, like th’ ones that patched up mah sister.”

Sweetie Belle looked generally excited by this, but the mood was dampened by Scootaloo, who blew a raspberry. “No way, doctors and nurses are jobs, not special talents. Plus, you gotta study for years to be one of them.” Her friends visibly shuddered at the prospect of years of studying and didn’t pick up the topic again.

“Ooh, we could get our cutie marks in critter wrasslin’!” exclaimed Scootaloo.

Sweetie Belle was quick to deny. “No, no way! We already tried doing that with some timberwolf pups. Remember how that turned out?” Apparently they did, as both fillies winced and shook their heads. “How about cooking?”

Applebloom and Scootaloo shared a look before the earth filly made her way over and placed a hoof on Sweetie Belle’s shoulder. “Sweetie Belle, you know Scoots and I love you like a sister, raght?” Sweetie smiled and nodded. “Well, don’t take this the wrong way, but it’ll be a cold day in Tartarus before me and Scootaloo let you anywhere near a kitchen.”

“Or eat any food you make,” the feathered filly mumbled under her breath. Sweetie Belle in the kitchen was a guaranteed recipe for disaster. The little unicorn pouted, while Applebloom patted her consolingly and Scootaloo offered a reassuring smile.

“Everypony’s a critic… how about potion making? Like Twilight was teaching us?”

“We already tried that too, remember? It was a bust.”

“An’ you burned half yer ingredients.”

Sweetie Belle whined “Girls, again with the critics!”

“Ooh, ooh, how about we try foraging for potions’ ingredients in the Everfree?” Scootaloo suggested, hopping in place.

Applebloom looked doubtful. “I dunno, Scoots. Seems like ev’ry time we get on up there som’thin’ tries to eat us.”

“Or we end up having to be rescued,” chimed in Sweetie Belle.

“So we go to Zecora’s. She knows how to get around the forest, and she’s the best pony--”

“Zebra,” corrected Sweetie Belle.

“--zebra for the job. Gathering potions’ ingredients is what she does half the time.”

"Hey, yeah. Ye're right Scoots, we've never tried for a foraging cutie mark."

"And Zecora really is the best zebra to help us with that. Great idea, Scootaloo!"

The pegasus filly's chest puffed out, obviously proud of herself. "Well, it's what I do." She then looked to both her friends. "So are we agreed?" Both the unicorn and earth pony nodded enthusiastically. “Then you know what to do, Crusaders!” Scootaloo cried, bumping her chest with a hoof.

In unison, the three fillies huddled together and screamed their infamously loud catchphrase.

“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS, FORAGERS! YAY!” And with practiced ease, they all fled towards the Everfree Forest, hoping that the 83d time was the charm..

You know that feeling you get when you wake up in a completely different place than the one you went to sleep? It’s not a pleasant one. There’s confusion as you try to recall the events of the previous night. It could be that you hung out at a bar, getting drunk and without knowing it, you went home with someone of the opposite sex or, god forbid, the same sex, in which case, would have been a very unpleasant surprise. It could have been that you were drugged; whether it was roofies, chloroform or simply a good ol’ blow to the back of the head, in which case a stranger would drag your body to a secluded place-- a greasy van with blackened windows, a secluded alley or an iffy looking motel-- places in which he might do unmentionable things to your body. That, or he takes a hacksaw to you and proceeds to harvest your liver, kidneys and any other organs you are sure to miss.

Yeah, it was kind of like that for me. There I was last night, minding my own business, nabbing a little piggy and pulverizing its vertebrae so it wouldn’t make a racket. There I was, taking it to the castle ruins and disemboweling it, which was a very messy and smelly operation. There I was, cooking it over a spit and thoroughly satisfying my meat cravings. Then there I was, going to sleep with a full stomach in a creaky, slightly dusty bed. Yeah, that I remember. I went to sleep on a bed, so why... in the hell… am I not in said bed? Seriously, this is not not funny. Is it someone’s perverse idea of a joke? What possible logical explanation could there be for me to go to sleep in a bed and wake up in the freaking clouds again? Ugh!

Goddamn it, this chaos magic could be a real pain at times. I could more or less control any outbursts while awake, but there was no telling what could happen when I slept. It was the second time this had happened, and no less pleasant. Ari said my magic core was still adjusting to my body and would reduce the rate at which it pumped the stuff. The sooner the better, because waking up hundreds of meters above ground is not a good way to start the day.

Well, luckily, I was only slightly freaked, and only for a minute or so. And sheesh, was it bright up here. Judging by the sun’s position, it was at least an hour or two before noon... maybe. Who knows. It was peaceful too, now that I was in a calm state of mind. Nothing but fluffy white clouds in every direction and right below me the dour grey stone structure of the castle. A few days ago, my options to get down would be severely limited. Come to think of it, they still were. Oh, well, at least it would be a nice opportunity to test my chaos powers.

A pony's magical core was basically a little, self sustaining engine that continuously pumped out magic. The unicorns had the largest, most active cores, followed by the winged pests and the mud ponies. It wasn't like an organ or anything. It had no physical form or structure, but it was still there, apparently. I dunno, Ari wasn't all that clear about it. Oh, and apparently, as soon as said pony died, the magical core would instantly disappear into nothingness. Basically the main reason why pony magical cores had been successfully studied before was because said ponies were heavily drugged and then cut open so scholars and researchers could prod and poke at the thing-- and apparently this was not always done with the test subject's knowledge or consent. Yikes...

Anywho, I too now possessed a magical core and in order to cast spells, I had to basically tap into it and channel magic from there and into my arm. Unicorns were naturally adept at this, the little bastards, and casting magic just came naturally to them. Similarly, their horns were natural conductors. I, however, had none of those advantages. There are no words to express how infuriatingly frustrating it was to try and tap into an unseeable, intangible magical reactor I'd never even had before, and whereas a unicorn's magic was naturally channeled through their horns, I had no such appendage, so basically any magic mojo I actually did manage to conjure up would simply be expelled in all directions. In order to prevent that, I had to consciously channel my magic power from my core all the way into my arm. I was... somewhat getting the hang of it, so long as I focused and consciously channeled the thing. My hope in this situation was that I could turn this handicap and make it work for me.

I treaded carefully toward the edge of the cloud, careful not to step on any thin patches. Yeah, I probably didn't have anything to worry about, but still. Against my better judgement, I leaned forwards slightly. I regretted it almost immediately as the dizzying heights made my stomach churn. I idly wondered whether I might survive a fall from this height. Maybe but, why bother?

C’mon, girl. Quit dawdling. Inhale... exhale. Good, good…. Okay!

First step; get a little piece from that magic engine. Glad to say that part was easy. Countless practices and repetitions for the past week had enabled me to tap into my magic core without too much trouble and quickly enough, I felt that familiar, subtle surge of power well up just a few inches from below my sternum. So far so good.

Alright. Now, to visualize intently(that part was pretty important) what I want the magic to do and make it do exactly just that. In this case, a simple levitation spell; a basic for unicorn foals everywhere.

And then came the last part, which was to channel that stored energy outwards. Well, normally that would be the case. Not so much so this time. I closed my eyes and released the charged spell, being mindful to let it flow into a continuous stream-- low and slow, and to keep it consistent. Yes, I felt that curiously invigorating sensation as the energy flowed head to toe and everywhere in between. Nice, last part complete.

Moment of truth now. I took a deep breath, held it, and stepped off the fluffy white surface.

…

I wasn’t standing on anything anymore, yet I did not feel that terrifying, pants-soiling sensation I usually got when falling… well, more like when riding atop a roller coaster that plunged down a steep incline, but they both feel the same, I’m sure. Whatever the case, I took that as a good sign and opened my eyes.

Yep, there I was, floating midair like it was the most natural thing in the world. Curiously enough, when a unicorn used levitation spells, the object being levitated tended to be surrounded by a magical aura. Not so much so with me. I never figured that out.

But man! That feeling of simply floating midair… there’s just nothing like it. There’s people back on Earth who said that flying in an airplane makes them feel as though they are able to be and feel like a bird, how they perceive the world. Yeah, fuck that. This was the real thing!

Unfortunately, I couldn’t dwell too much on it, as I could feel the tether I had on my magic begin to slip. Well, it was nice while it lasted. Now to get back to solid ground. I slowly, slowly, inched myself down, not daring to lose my concentration, as this was normally the part where I screwed up. Casting a levitation spell on an object? Simple enough. Actually moving it? Well, that’s a little more tricky. I usually ended up making whatever object I was practicing on to careen at alarming speeds. Which is why I took it slow. Slow and steady wins the race, right?

So yes, I slowly descended at a snail’s pace. Steadily, steadily, steadily, steadily and… goddamn it, is this even working at all? I must have spent a couple of minutes doing it, yet the stony roofs of the castle seemed no closer. I’ve never been an especially patient person, and while I had been more willing when I first started to learn this magic business, the novelty had quickly evaporated. Anyway, I didn’t fancy taking the slow route and wait half an hour to get back on solid ground, so I braced myself as well as I could for what was to come and canceled the spell keeping me afloat.

Sure enough, I immediately fell and despite knowing it was coming, I couldn’t help but let out a small scream. There were no sounds besides the rushing wind buffeting my face and a faint, dull throbbing in my ears, and it wasn’t like I managed to stay in one position either. The wind or g-forces or whatever it was, kept flinging my body in different positions. I so dearly wanted to panic and scream like a banshee, but that would probably be a bad idea and by some miracle, I managed to keep my wits about me.

When I first began to try to learn magic, it was… difficult to get a feel for my core and access it. Ari had me do some meditative exercises to help me get a better feel for it, and surprisingly enough, it worked, just as it worked now. I closed my eyes shut, somehow managed to expel all outside distractions, and reached within me to sense the core within me, taking the magic, forming it into a levitation spell and simply let it flow unrestrained.

I stopped abruptly in midair, upside down and floating on an angle, my back to the ground and facing the ever blue sky. I closed my eyes and sighed, limply hanging in there.

God, that sucked. Let’s not do that again.

Well with that over with, I opened my eyes and took stock of the situation. I was pleased to see that the top of the ruined castle was now much, much closer than before. Heck, I was hanging maybe ten feet from it. It was… interesting trying to right myself up again, but when I did, I canceled the spell and managed to land on the roof without losing my balance. Heh, I felt pretty good about that.

I picked a random edge of the roof and went over to investigate. Below me was an open section within the ruins that might have been a garden at some point. Twisting vines had overtaken the walls and most of everything else in sight-- some as thin as a pencil, others thick as my forearm and the ground was littered with decayed leaves, twigs and a whole bunch of unidentifiable organic matter that had piled up over centuries of neglect. A number of fountains were scattered here and there, some having crumbled due to the wear of time, others in surprisingly good condition, their bone white exteriors looming over the deserted courtyard like skeletons, a reminder this place had once been full of color and life.

I recognized it and jumped down(landing on my feet again. Yes!), finding an entrance and pushing past some uncooperative vines into the castle’s interior. I was now more or less familiar with the castle’s interior and managed to find my way back to the room I’d unofficially claimed as my base of operations. It was a study of some sort, adjoined to a bedroom at the far end. It was here that I’d been spending most of the time, sporadically exploring the castle now and then. While the bedroom had been left mostly intact, I used the study to… well, study and store my increasingly large pile of stolen goods.

I was pretty well stocked on food, having always made it a priority. Crates and boxes were stuffed with apples, oranges, berries, pears, bananas and peaches. No vegetables, yuck! I’d managed to pilfer some pans and other cooking utensils, herbs and spices included and more than a little bit of toilet paper.

Once again I cursed my luck for being stranded here. The human females in this place obviously didn’t have the same issues as me, or at least, nobody cared. Either way, being forced to learn to make my own tampons was not a fun experience. Sheesh...

Well, whatever. Thankfully, I shouldn’t be as crabby or as hate-filled now. Still don’t like ponies, though. Overall, I’d managed to acquire enough stuff so that my stay here would be relatively comfortable. To my incredulity and astonishment, the ponies had even built an exclusively human store called… ugh, HumanSmart. I was learning that, for the sake of my sanity and to avoid unnecessary headaches, it was really better for me to take these things as they come and not think too hard about it.

Anyway, I had to grudgingly admit that what few products they had in store were convenient and of good quality. I’d managed to procure a number of shirts and shorts. Pants would have been better, but there were none available. There was underwear, thankfully, but no bras. Stupid ponies... I had to contend instead with a thin piece of linen wrapped around my chest.

I also got a few good pairs of socks, some closed toe sandals(there were no tennis shoes) and a sort of deodorant that was surprisingly good smelling and effective. Who knows, maybe these ponies are not completely inept after all. And, to my ever growing astonishment, there was a refrigerated section that contained veggie bacon. Needless to say, I steered well clear of that.

So yes, it seemed for the moment that I would be as comfortable as one could be in this primitive pastel world. Still, something was missing and I don’t mean just people. Well, yes, people but more than anything, somebody... anybody.

It’s funny. Up ‘till now, I’ve made it a point in life to avoid people at all costs, not wanting them to bother me, or I to bother with them. The universe has a real sick sense of humor, it seems. I kinda miss people now. Hell, at this point even being given the automated, generic greeting of a store clerk elicited a strange sense of longing in me.

Dammit. There I am again, reminiscing and stuff. I sighed and got to my feet to get the brain juices flowing. I was steadily going out of my mind with boredom, a fact not helped by my self imposed isolationism. The constant loneliness and quiet of the castle ruins had steadily been getting on my nerves.

In the end, I decided to ponify myself yet again and go return that book at the library. It had been a complete waste of time to try and gain anything useful as it was apparently full of ‘hogwash’, the ramblings of a senile old coot, no doubt hopped up on pony drugs.

I took off my clothes in order to prepare myself for the change to come and… I couldn’t help but look. I pinched my side and couldn’t help but notice that the area was noticeably more slim. Same could be said for my thighs, which was a bit odd.

Until now, I’ve been surviving on stolen pastries, snacks and fruit and with all the spare time I had, I was continuously bored, which of course led to chronic snacking. Oh well, I’m certainly not gonna look a gift horse(pony?) in the mouth. I tested my boobs and gave them a light squeeze. I was pleased to see that they remained the same. Hell, with my lessening pudge they actually started to look bigger in comparison.

…

Anyway, now that I wasted enough time admiring myself I took a dosage of the potion and shuddered at the feeling of my body and skeletal structure shrinking, bending and twisting to accommodate a pony form. Surprisingly enough, it didn’t hurt. Rather, it felt as if I’d turned to putty and an unseen force twisted me into a pony. Either way, it was hella weird.

The first few seconds were the worst as my body adjusted to the change. The distribution in weight, my footing, my center of gravity were all off. I stood on slightly wobbly legs and proceeded to fit myself into a pony frock. It was… an interesting experience that took some creative maneuvering and more than a little twisting. Really, it was a bit baffling just how flexible pony bodies were.

I donned a pair of saddlebags, one with the book, the other with some stolen bits, just in case and made my way out.

I didn’t see Ari, but I did not pay it much mind. She randomly headed(phased?) in and out of the castle. To do what, who the hell knows, and I didn’t pester her about it. Figured it was only polite and as she’d been so accommodating, I suppose I could be a little considerate. After all, we all need our privacy. And… well, I suppose it was a little selfish of me, but I was kinda glad she wasn’t there. She always wanted to tag along whenever I headed out to experiment on the forest’s creatures, but I was an independent kind of girl and the fact I’d become so dependent on her help kind of rubbed me the wrong way. At the very least, I wanted to make sure I was not completely helpless.

The walk or, trot to the mud village was largely uneventful and I knew it from memory, using various landmarks such as a stream, oddly shaped rocks and withered trees to find my way. At this point in time, the forest was now more or less familiar and had lost is oppressive, sinister vibe. That did not mean I let my guard down or anything. I had to be wary, yes and keep an eye out for anything unusual, but by and large, I was not the least scared or intimidated and while I more or less knew the path to the mud village and back, many more sections of the forest were still a mystery and so I kept on a strict path. The only other notable thing was me spotting a few timber wolves further in the distance. I didn't worry too much as they didn't try anything.

Virtually every time I stepped out the ruins and into the forest I would be accosted by a manticore or the wolves. Needless to say, these events ended in their complete and inevitable defeat as I had no trouble whatsoever in massacring them. By this point in time they knew better than to try and pick a fight with me. Well, I couldn't complain too much as it was due to the beasts' futile assaults that I managed to come up with a nifty new sort of spell.

It was during my fifth day here, I think. I successfully looted the zebra’s weird african-themed treehouse and took whatever I needed to make the pony morphing potion. Still, not all ingredients were there and so I had to go about the forest to forage for them. Do you have any idea what it’s like to go trudging on a hot, humid forest while wearing a hoddie and jeans? It… fucking… sucks. Unfortunately for me, while my chaos fueled durability was kick-ass in that it was incredibly difficult for something to harm me, I could still feel the effects of the weather and the elements around me which, again, sucked.

I chose to go at this one alone, as all I had to do was head to a spot not too far away from the zebra’s place, where there grew a patch of some weird flower called Poison Joke. What it did was… well you get the idea. Ari said it wouldn’t affect me, because, chaos magic. Why not?

Well, at any point, the walk had been largely uneventful, at least it was until I heard a series of wet crunching sounds. It was faint, but it was there and it was coming from not too far away. I hesitated and, against my better judgement, moved cautiously towards it. Really, just a quick peek.

Hidden behind the thick covering of trees, bushes and ferns was a manticore. Its back was turned to me and it was hunched over, clearly feasting on a kill. I scrunched my nose at the smell of blood and iron mixing with the musky humidness of the jungle to create a most unpleasant odor.

Yikes. Better go back. And I did so or, tried, at least. No such luck, for I as soon as took a step back, my foot just happened to land on a branch, alerting the freakish monster to my presence.

Oh, you have got to be kidding me. I looked back to the monster and my heart skipped a beat as it too returned my stare with bloodied fangs. “Umm, n-nice kitty thing?” I said lamely.

Predictably, it roared and with amazing speed it moved its whole mass to lunge at me. I hissed, nearly wetting myself at the sight and fell on mybutt. With a few, powerful strides, the manticore closed in and leapt, it glinting claws outstretched and teeth bared, confident it could take down a small human like me.

Unfortunately for it, I was not the average human and far from helpless. I stretched out a hand and sent out a pulse of magic, catching the monster midair. It blinked stupidly and simply hung there for a second before it roared again and thrashed, as if hoping to undo whatever bonds held it aloft. Stupid animal.

Only now did I realize my heart was beating a mile a minute, so hard I could practically hear it pounding in my eardrums. God, all these scares and stresses are gonna give an ulcer at some point. I stood and the motion did not go unnoticed by the manticore. It glowered at me with its dumb animal gaze and tried to lunge, tried being the key word, for it was still floating and it merely gave the impression of a paraplegic swimmer.

I circled it, keeping a safe distance while the monster flailed and twisted, trying to break free. Dayumn, that’s a big fucker. And big it was. Easily three times the size of a lion, with powerful muscles bulging and rippling beneath its pelt. No way would I have had a chance to fight it off had the circumstances been different.

“Now, what am I gonna do with you?”

It merely roared and I rolled my eyes. I couldn’t let it go, for it would most certainly try and kill me again, not that it would succeed. Only other option I could think of was to kill it. Hmm, should I or shouldn’t I? I… really couldn’t think of anything else to do in this situation. Supposedly there are spells that can induce sleep, hypnosis, or a trance-like state, but I’ve no idea how to pull them off.

“So, don’t take this the wrong way, but I am gonna have to kill you.” It didn’t listen to me and merely kept thrashing around. I sighed. Well… on the other hand, I have been looking to practice on a live subject. Given my still novice status when it came to magic, I was more than a little annoyed that I couldn’t do anything too flashy. However, logic and reasoning allowed me to come up with a… unique spell of sorts.

Given that magic was pretty much a type of formless energy, the caster had to manipulate it into doing what he wanted. A little thing like levitation was no biggie, and light as well. More sophisticated applications required a more skilled, knowledgeable approach. Anyway, I’d been wracking my brains to come up with something destructive I could use, but simple enough to cast.

I eventually came to the conclusion that, if I could take some magic and release it in a strong enough wave of kinetic force, I could juice it enough to have the power to pulverize bone and shatter rock. And hey, kinetic energy is about as simple and basic as it gets. I’d tried some variations with promising results. Still, had to really tone it down and not do anything too destructive to the already ancient castle ruins. I didn’t want to risk the whole thing coming down on me.

Here, however, in the forest, that was not a problem. I backed away a good distance and canceled the spell keeping the manticore afloat. It crashed heavily to the ground with a loud grunt, but recovered quickly enough and now stared at me with hate-filled eyes.

Like a broken record, it roared again and charged with malicious intent, but I was ready for it this time. It got close and lunged, launching itself in the air. I’d not been standing idly by the whole time and as soon as it got too close for comfort I released the charged spell.

Several things happened at once.

The manticore, not more than a few feet from me, was hurled back violently from the force of the blast, flying well out of sight. Trees in a wide area either snapped or were outright uprooted from where they stood, filling the air with the sharp snap of splintering wood and accompanying them were the various birds, lizards and other forest critters that lived on them, flying away and some of them in bloodied chunks. The surrounding vegetation met a similar fate as it was either flattened or sent hurtling away from me.

By the end of it, a large area of the once dense forest was now decimated, with only the odd plant or tree stump left standing.

I stood there for a while, mouth agape and eye twitching. Um… wow. Overkill much? It worked, the spell worked. Granted, maybe a little too well, but still. I stepped forward hesitantly, the various vegetation and branches crunching underneath my hooves. I searched for the manticore, if nothing else but to satisfy my morbid curiosity.

I found it buried underneath some shrubbery and, after some deliberation, poked it with a stick. Yup, that’s dead alright. I removed the greenery that covered the body and couldn’t help but grimace at the sight. The body looked misshapen and lumpy. Upon closer inspection I could see that throughout the body, jagged shards of bone were sticking out. I poked and prodded and realized that virtually every bone in its body had been broken, feeling like gravel beneath its pelt.

Damn, that’s some high powered spell. Better tone it down a notch. Well, it worked, at least and it served to reinforce my belief that, if trouble arose, I could deal with it.

Now, what should I call that move? After some deliberation I decided to keep it simple and refer to it as a kinetic wave, nothing fancy.

I learned that during my second day here, and had been using that very same spell to take care of whatever monsters dared to come at me. And maaan, it worked beautifully.

The forest's beasts provided a virtually endless supply of test subjects for my experiments. Just yesterday I managed to snag a cragadile in a telekinetic hold and crush it into a big, rocky ball. The timber wolves were slightly more tricky. They would immediately disperse if I threw around a little fire but, well, this was a forest. Common sense dictated that I probably shouldn't rely on it too much. The timber wolves themselves were not living things per se. Rather, they consisted of wild, latent magic that lay deep in the earth and that, for some reason or another managed to somehow attain a degree of base instincts, nothing especially complicated. Anyway, the magic gained a degree of sentience and, as it originated in the ground where it's chock full of roots and plants and buds and shoots, it takes ahold of plant life to gain the form of a wolf.

Technically speaking, the timber wolves could make their bodies entirely of plant life, but even they are smart to know that wood is a much hardier, suitable alternative. But I'm going off topic, it seems. As I was saying, the one other way to kill a timber wolf, besides setting it on fire, is to destroy the magic that binds it together and gives it sentience, and seeing how I am chock full of chaos magic, the answer to this should be rather obvious. Turns out that in high doses, chaos magic will completely overwhelm and destroy the very same magic that makes up and controls the wolves, effectively killing them for good.

No, wait, that’s wrong. Apparently there are some laws to magic or whatever, made by some long dead unicorn named Starburst… or was it Starswirl? Eh, whatever. Anyway, one such law dictated that magic can’t be destroyed. It merely changes, and by pumping the wolves full of my vast chaos reserves, I turned the latent, semi-aware magic that made them up into chaos magic, which could not sustain them. Who’d have known? I kinda found that out by accident, but I guess it’s true what they say: you learn something new every day.

Huh, can’t imagine whoever thought up that phrase imagined it being used in a pastel colored, fairytale ponyland but, oh well.

So yes, I was coming in to these freaky chaos powers but there was still much for me to learn. I realized that if I wanted to get out of this primitive, backwater world then I had to extend my search beyond the festering cesspool known as Ponyville. From what I’ve gathered, ponies had had civilizations and a writing system for thousands of years. Surely there’s got to be someone or something out there that can be of use.

What did that Twilight pony say? The other libraries that may have some leads would be in Canterlot and Fillydelphia. I could get there by walking, but, meh. That seems like a lot of unnecessary exercise. I think I remember seeing some hot air balloons the other day, high over the canopy of the forest, but I’ve no idea where I would even get one, much less work it. I still had quite a few hairs left from the hippie pegasus, so if I’m desperate enough, I might resort to trying to learn to fly while in that form. Or, I could take the easier route and board a train. I’d noticed the tracks during my nightly reconnaissances and tracked them to a station near the edge of the mud village. That would most likely be my best bet, but even so, I don’t imagine the little beasts will allow me to get on for free. I could stow away, but that would likely mean stuffing myself in a small, closed off, uncomfortable space.

I sighed. “Guess I’ll have to buy a ticket.”

Well, I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. First things first, get to the mud village, return the book and see how much I'm gonna have to shell out for a ticket. If this world is anything like mine then it's money that makes it all go 'round. Of course, if I am to move from this mud village and into somewhere more civilized, it's likely I may have to learn an entirely new monetary system. Ugh.

Whatever slacker moanings I had planned were put to a halt as through the thick foliage of the forest, a peculiar sound was carried through. It was faint, but it was there. It wasn't like one of the usual forest sounds, so out of curiosity, I stopped to better get a feel for it. I walked towards where I thought it originated and after about a dozen yards, I could now hear it more clearly. It was shrill and high pitched. It almost sounded like... screaming? Well, now, this is interesting. Yes, they were screams, definitely not animal and seeing how the mud village was about the only settlement near here, I could only assume the racket was made by the little pukes. Was it possible they were being preyed on by one of the forest's predators? A morbid, more primal part of me was excited about this possibility. Back home I used to frequent the Animal Planet and Nat Geo channels and the possibility of getting a firsthand look at the more visceral parts of nature sent a most approving sense of anticipation through my very being. So with that in mind, I picked up the pace, making towards the yells and hoping I was not too late to miss the show.

Given the nature of my situation, I had a lot of free time, and though I resolved to use a good portion of it to advance my skill and knowledge in magic stuff, I still needed periodic breaks to prevent my brain from turning into mush and allow any new lessons I learned to sink in. In a perfect world, this free time would be spent watching television, playing video games, browsing the internet, reading my assortment of novels or comic books or simply loitering around town. Options that, for the most part, were unavailable to me at this point. I'd been in this miserable backwards world for well over a week and without a home or the modern conveniences of good old Earth, I had an inglorious amount of free time and next to nothing to do or entertain myself. I was about ready to tear my hair off from boredom and watching one of the little pukes getting ripped apart by forest creatures was sure to provide some much needed entertainment.

I followed the screams deeper and as I drew closer, I could infer from the difference in tone and pitch that it was at least three voices making the ruckus. Soon enough, I burst into a small clearing where the screams originated. The first thing I noticed was the smell, namely, it was like rotten eggs and sulfur, enough to make me flinch back. The second thing I noticed were the three ponies smack dab in the middle of the clearing, standing atop a log, the three little turds huddled together, fear evident on their fuzzy little mugs. The third thing I noticed was that the log was slowly but surely sinking into the ground, which, it turned out to not really be ground at all. It was black, bubbling lazily and there were little pockets of steam coming out here and there. A tar pit, maybe?

Whatever the case, due to my abrupt entrance, it didn’t take the little beasts long to register my presence. One of them, an orange coated pegasus with purple mane was the first to spot me, and upon doing so, she nudged her ilk to get their attention-- a unicorn with whitish, grayish coat and a curly, violet and pink mane, the other an earth pony, yellow coated and with red mane. Now that what they perceived to be one of their ilk had showed up, a collective look of relief spread across their pony mugs. They called out for me.

Aw, poo. I was hoping for some pony carnage, not these little brats.

And brats they were. Half the size of a pony and, if possible, even more cloyingly, saccharinely cute than their grownup counterparts. Good god, if they are this bad, I can only imagine how much worse baby ponies are.

Seeing how I would find no amusement here, I turned to leave, but almost immediately, the little brats called out to me.

"Hey, miss, please don't leave us!"

I turned, ready to respond with a biting retort, but now that I got a better look at the brats, something gave me pause. It was the way they looked and the way they looked at me. Their bulbous impossibly large eyes eyeing me in wordless pleading and... good god, that little unicorn brat was actually on the verge of tears, eyes shining and lower lip trembling. The Pegasus herself was no better. She tried and failed to look brave, but with those abnormal pony eyes, it was impossible for her pissy facade to work. It was all too much for me. There I was, one moment ready to mock them and leave them to their fate and next thing I know, I use my pony hooves to completely knock down a tree, in front of witnesses, no less, and urge the little brats to scurry across it and come into solid ground. They did so, and no longer were they safe that I came to my senses. The little beasts, rejoicing at their near demise, saw fit to launch themselves and embrace me all at once.

"Thanks a lot, miss. Yew saved us!"

"Did you see the way she knocked down that tree? It was awesome!"

"I thought we were goners! Thank goodness you came along!"

A series of strangled, grunting noises were my only response. Oh, God, they're touching me! Why are they touching me?! Equally baffling was why in the hell did I rescue them. I loathed their kind, dammit! Even then, as they hugged me and me paralyzed, unable to do much of anything, I would have loved nothing more than to stomp them into a bloody paste and at the same time, I felt an inborn drive to shield them and keep them safe. Even to this day I'm not entirely sure what happened then. Best guess I can make is that watching their sorry, cloyingly, over saccharinely cute little asses in danger triggered some sort latent, deeply buried maternal instincts in me, thus causing me to leap to their rescue even if it was completely against my nature to do so.

"G-graargh.... ktch... hnnfgh..."

"What's that, miss?" Asked the normal one.

"Gehhtoffame..."

"Huh?"

My senses regained and I snapped. "Get off of me!"

They immediately let go and I took a few steps back and I couldn't help but notice a warm, fluttery feeling in my stomach. No, no! Think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts. Um, uhh, dead kittens-- no, dead ponies! Cops beating up hippies! The poisonous sensation faded, and I opened my eyes to see the pony brats eyeing me in curiosity. Me, I had nothing to say to them so I let out an aggravated growl and turned, cursing this waste of time and making back towards the mud village.

"Hey wait, where are you going, miss?"

There was the sound of hurried hoof beats and to my dismay, there they were again, trotting on either side of me. I gave off my best 'fuck off/don't bother me' vibe, but they were still much too young to pick up on it, so it went over their heads.

"Where are you going?" asked the Pegasus.

"Away."

"Away where?"

"Away from you. Now stop following me."

"What? But where are we supposed to go?" asked the unicorn.

"You got homes, don't you? Go there and stop bothering me," I replied through gritted teeth.

"We can't," said the unicorn. "Scootaloo got us lost and now we can't tell where Ponyville is."

"Yeah, that's... hey, wait. What do you mean I got us lost?" The one apparently called Scootaloo asked, frowning at her ilk.

"You're the one Applebloom and I were following, and you're the one that got us lost," the unicorn said accusingly.

"Me?! I was following Applebloom's lead!"

"No, Sweetie Belle and I were following your lead."

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Were not!"

"We did so!"

I couldn't stand that bickering in their annoyingly cute, high-pitched voices, so I whirled around, teeth bared in a snarl. "Be quiet, you little saccharine pieces of moe fluff!"

"What? But she's the one who--"

"I... don't... care. Just shut up and leave me in peace."

The little brats pouted sullenly and shut up. I resumed my walk and tried to ignore them, a task made all the harder by the fact the little beasts conveniently ignored my orders and kept on following me. I sighed and kept myself from making any number of unpleasant retorts, hoping they wouldn't bug me anymore.

No such luck.

"Say, what's your name?" Asked the orange one.

I sighed. "What were you brats doing here anyway?"

"Hey, we're not brats! My name is Scootaloo."

"I'm Sweetie Belle."

"And ahm Applebloom."

"And we're the Cutie Mark Crusaders!" they all said in unison.

"The what now?"

"It's our own exclusive club, and we're dedicated to find our special talents!" Said the one Apparently called Applebloom.

"Yeah, but we haven't had a lot of luck so far," said the pegasus.

"So we came here to see if we could get our cutie marks in foraging."

That there made me stop. "You came here willingly?"

"Uh-huh."

"Eeyup."

"Kinda."

"But... why?" I asked flabbergastedly.

"Tuh get our cutie marks," the little brat answered, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

"I mean why in the hell you'd come into a forest filled with dangerous predators."

"We gotta do what we gotta do to get our cutie marks."

"Yeah! Besides, it's not the only time we've come here."

"We've tried critter wrasslin'."

"Potions' making."

"Adventuring."

"Mapmaking."

"Mud farming'."

"Insect collecting."

"Hang Gliding."

"Fine, fine, I get it," I bit impatiently. "Just... don't talk anymore."

The more I listened to these brats, the more I wished I had simply left them to perish. I mean... these retarded little pieces of shit willingly ventured into the forest, knowing it's filled with dangers and have even been accosted by those very same monsters more than once. Really, what kind of moron keeps venturing into danger knowing full well it could be the last choice they make.

I resumed my walk and the little beasts followed suit. I mostly tried to ignore them and their attempts to try to talk to me. More than once was I sorely tempted to simply unleash a vicious verbal tirade against them or strangle their little necks. Well, thankfully we got to the mud village and I was able to ditch the brats.

I moved on and eventually came upon Ponyville. I avoided the cottage with the hippie pegasus and was walking the dirt road into town when I heard a noise coming up behind me, the frantic flapping of wings. It quickly drew near and a feminine voice called out. “Look out belooow!” I turned my head only to see a grayish blur speeding at me, hurtling out of control. Before I could move or unleash a lethal blow, it crashed into me, sending us both sprawling to the ground. Reacting on instinct, I scrambled back up as quick as I could, or… tried, at least. I was still not entirely accustomed to a pony body and found myself tasting dirt. Still, I prevailed over the lesser pony form and got to my hooves and if needed, ready to massacre the little beast that assaulted me.

There she was, a pegasus mare and she seemed even more disoriented than me. Her hair blond, coat grey and a cutie mark of… bubbles? The hell kind of talent is that? She sat up, shook her head vigorously and opened her eyes, which I could see were pointing in different directions.

Damn, did that fall cause a brain injury or something?

She looked to me and gasped, her wings fluttered and she hovered over me. “Oh, no! Are you okay? I-I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to crash into you, but I was running so late and I caught a bad draft and…” she gasped and her bulbous eyes looked about ready to pop out. She looked behind her and sure enough, there in the ground was a satchel of some sort and scattered all around it were various cards and envelopes. “Oh, ponyfeathers! Not again!”

In a blink of an eye she was already there, frantically, scooping up the satchel’s contents and blowing to get the dirt off. When she got all of them, she was about to dart off to who knows where, but at the last moment hesitated and looked at me again. The klutz fluttered close to me and, after reaching into her satchel, produced a muffin and held it out expectantly, a goofy, ditzy smile on her fuzzy mug. “Here you go, take it.”

I merely blinked stupidly, much too baffled at the absurd scene before me. The pegasus, realizing I was not about to move, opted instead to bend down and grab one of my legs upon she promptly placed the baked treat. Good thing for her too, for otherwise I would have broken her foreleg for such audacity.

“Alright, you enjoy that. And sorry for bumping into you, it won’t happen again.” She gave me another smile and zipped off towards the town. I dumbly watched her go and no sooner did she enter the edge of town and flew behind a house that another familiar yell rang forth.

“Look out belooow!”

And sure enough there was a crashing sound, accompanied by a rougher male voice. Even from all the way there I could make out the sounds of arguing as the male pony berated the klutz, who was once again trying to gather all her mail. The hell is up with these ponies?

I looked to the muffin still resting in the base of my hoof and gave it a smell. Hmm, banana nut. No doubt it was delicious, but it had been touched by the klutz’s filthy hoof and my own equally dirty one, so I tossed it away and resumed my walk towards the mud village.

I didn't get more than a few steps before a flash of movement drew my attention. Skulking back from the commotion was the klutz, hastily trotting in her pony hooves to hide behind one of the houses and away from the ruckus she'd caused, but that's not what was unusual. No, what was unusual was the fact that even as the klutz was lurking, eyes shifty and looking around suspiciously, that very same pony fluttered back up at the other end of the house and beelined further into town.

Huh, I guess they're twins.

And then just like that, the lurking one was enveloped in a cloak of green flames and where the gray pegasus once stood, now a... black, bug looking, pony thing was in its place. Flames enveloped it again and this time it's form was now that of...

Oh, my god, it's the pink idiot from yesterday!

The pony thing, whatever it was, looked satisfied enough, for it adopted a big, idiotic smile and bounced off into town. As far as I knew, there were only five pony types; unicorns, earth, pegasi, alicorns and sea ponies-- yes, that’s right, sea ponies-- but that buggy looking thing was not among them. Gotta imagine, seeing how it was hiding and these incompetent ponies get scared at the slightest provocation, it was probably up to no good. It was one of the things that got me wondering about this world.

These ponies were basically talking… well ponies. Herbivores. Prey species. And I knew at least to be griffons as well. Did that mean there were other intelligent species that preyed on ponies? For all I knew that funky bug thing might very well be one of them. Well, whatever. These ponies have magic, flight and supposedly enhanced strength and vitality, not to mention sapience, self-awareness and intelligence on par with that of a human. If with all of these virtues they were still incompetent enough to be preyed on by another species, or not even realize they are being preyed on by another species, then why in the world should I step in? Nah, better to step back and allow nature to take its course. For all I know, they are doomed to extinction anyway. That being said, if that freaky little bugger comes after me, I will be more than glad to show it who’s the apex predator around these parts.

And with that over, I decided to stop dawdling and head for the town library, but even as I walked around the mud village, I got the sense that there was something… different about it. I looked around, taking in the details and trying to pinpoint the reason. Everything seemed more or less normal. The little pukes were still going about their mundane, peasant routines, some of them obviously having gone shopping, tending to their gardens and front yards; little foals scurrying around, no doubt up to no good and various pegasi flew lazily through the air, not the least bit in a hurry.

So bugged was I about this that I did not notice myself bumping into another pony with enough force to send him to the ground. I gave a startled squeak and, upon laying eyes on my unintentional victim, I froze. The unmistakeable golden armor of the pony guard was a dead giveaway. It was a male, I think, of the earth variety.

I sucked in a sharp breath as he pulled himself back up. Bulky and quite a bit taller than me. His helmet had fallen and he paused to pick it back up. He turned to look at me, and he had the distinct air of a teacher staring disapprovingly on an irascible student.

“You want to be careful, miss,” he said, his voice neither angry nor amiable. Just firm and carrying a natural sort of command, which I guess would be the norm for them. “Ponies could be hurt.”

“Uh, r-right. Right, sorry. I-I didn’t see where I was going.” Shit, I think I actually feel a bit intimidated by him.

He began to say something along the lines of the typical ‘Don’t worry about it’ spiel before it hit me. I looked through my peripheral vision and finally realized just what was different about the mud village.

It was the guards. The previous times, they’d been relatively unobtrusive and had stayed at the edge of the picture, so to speak, but now that I looked, I could see that there were considerably more of them and this time in plain view, patrolling and stuff.

I looked back to the guard, waiting for him to finish his part and asked about the situation, but he merely told me it was them just doing their duty, which in my opinion was bullshit. We parted ways and I made for the treebrary, this time actually taking care to knock before I came in. The lizard answered, and upon seeing it was me, its catlike eyes narrowed in disapproval. Obviously it didn’t take kindly of my dismissals and lack of manners the day before, not that I cared what this little purple papule thought.

“Oh, it’s you,” it said. “What do you want?”

The thing’s uppity attitude made the corner of my lip curl, but I managed to keep my composure. “I’m looking for your master. Is she here?”

It blinked in confusion. “My… master?”

Jesus Christ are you dense. “Yeah, you know. Twilight Sparkle, ‘bout yea high, has a horn and wings” I said, slowly drawing out the word. I didn’t want to repeat myself.

It scowled. “Yeah, she’s here, and she’s not my master.”

Well now, this is a surprise. “So what is she to you, exactly?”

The lizard opened its mouth to respond, and was about to say something before stopping cold. Its face scrunched up and it adopted a contemplative expression. “Well, um… she’s--”

Well, this is a productive use of my time. “Yeah, fascinating. I’m gonna go in now.”

So caught up was the lizard in its thoughts that it did not immediately notice me pushing past and into the tree’s interior. Its weak protests died in my ears and I looked around, hoping to see Twilight Sparkle. Yup, there she was, in the upstairs floor. Her back was turned to me and I could see she was using her pony magic to mess around with a bunch of books on the shelves.

I made my way over, only somewhat clumsily climbing the stairs and cleared my throat to get her attention. Her ears twitched and the jaunty tune she was humming under her breath stopped. She turned and seeing it was me, offered me a smile. “Oh, hello Febreze. What brings you here.”

I pulled the book out the bag and presented it. “Came to return this.”

Her pony magic stopped and she turned from her task to come over to me. “That was quick. You only had it for one night.”

“Yeah. It… wasn’t what I was looking for.”

She chuckled lightly. “Yes, sorry to hear that, but I told you Pie Tin was not the most reliable of ponies.” Her horn lit up and for an instant, the book in my hoof glowed the same color, before immediately dissipating.

We both blinked. “Well, that’s odd,” Twilight said. A slight frown appeared on her face and she charged up her pony magic again and just like before, it fizzled out almost immediately after enveloping the book.

"And that's even stranger," she said and brought up her hoof to lightly tap her horn. She looked to the book with a concentrated look, narrowing her eyes at it as though it had slighted her. She tried again and this time the glow in her horn was considerably brighter.

I didn't want her to get suspicious of my true nature, so as soon as the book lit up I immediately let go. She'd poured so much magic in a simple spell and now that my chaos magic was no longer interfering with her own, the book rocketed towards her and Twilight could only muster a flinch before being smacked right in the nose. The book fell unceremoniously while Twilight moaned in agony, grabbing at her bleeding nose with a hoof.

I grimaced. Yeowch, that looks like it hurts. “Uh, sorry. Are you alright?” Now why in the world did I ask that?

“Y-yes, I’m fine. Just…” she said thickly. Her horn glowed again, this time a softer, gentler glow and after a few seconds it dissipated. She removed the hoof from her nose, now no longer bleeding but her fur was marred with a few red trickles. I couldn’t help but notice it clashed horribly with her coat.

There was a smattering of footsteps and the lizard emerged out the staircase. Its eyes quickly darted around until they came across Twilight’s blood streaked face. “Ohmygosh, Twilight! What happened?” It scurried to the bathroom and came out shortly thereafter, rudely bumping into me as it brought out a damp towel which it used to wipe the blotches from its owner’s face.

“Thanks, Spike,” Twilight said appreciatively, still holding the tip of her hoof to her nose.

“Did she do something to you?” the lizard asked, turning to me and eyeing me with suspicion. Well, I couldn’t fault it too much as it kind of was my fault it happened.

“No, spike, Febreze didn’t do anything. It was just an accident,” Twilight said diplomatically.

“See? Innocent,” I added unhelpfully.

The lizard… uh, Spike, was it? Anyway, it opened its mouth to retort, but at that moment a series of knocks came from the front door.

“Could you get that for me, Spike?” Twilight asked. “I need to finish up here.”

“Yeah, sure,” it grumbled and went on to do as its mistress commanded.

“What were you doing anyway?” I asked as soon as, um… dammit! What was the lizard’s name again? Something pointy, right? Anyway, I asked as soon as the lizard left.

“Nothing much, just giving the shelves a bit of a dusting.” Her horn glowed again and every single book in the shelves in front of her floated off. Meanwhile, she grabbed a feathery duster nearby with a telekinetic hold and used it to wipe said shelves. Why she bothered with this, I don’t know as the things were already pretty clean.

“...Right. By the way, can I ask you something?”

She nodded and ‘mmhm’d’.

“What’s with all the guards out there in the street? There weren’t that many the other day.”

Her ears flicked. “Oh, that. There’s been a string of robberies happening across Ponyville for the last week. I posted the guards to keep an eye out for suspicious activity.”

Well that’s just perfect. It seems I’ll have to tone down the B&E for now.

“Do, um,” I began to say, trying not to sound nervous. “Is there any idea who’s behind it all?”

She hummed briefly before answering. “None yet, I’m afraid, but whoever it is I hope they’ll be caught soon. They’ve been making off with a lot of stuff and it’s making things hard for everypony involved.”

Crap, now I definitely have to 86 any future robberies. If Twilight herself, a princess was becoming active in it then it’s best I call it quits for now. Granted, I still had quite a bit of stolen loot back at the castle that would get me through for a good time, but you never knew when you’d need a little something. And yeah, I still had a little bit of… well, bits when I robbed Sugarcube corner, but I had no idea how the monetary system in Equestria worked. Well, I didn’t get too much time to dwell on this, for coming up the stairs was a unicorn mare with a pure white, marshmallowy coat and impossibly curled mane and tail.

“Twilight?” she called out in a kinda sorta British-ish accent.

She turned and seeing it was her, immediately dropped what she was doing and headed over to greet the unicorn. “Oh, good morning, Rarity,” she said and nuzzled her friend. “What brings you by?”

“Good morning, dearie. I came by to see if… oh, hello there,” she said, noticing my presence.

“Hey,” I said, giving her a nod.

"I apologize for not noticing you, dearie." She then looked to her only other equal in the room. "Would you introduce us, Twilight?"

The alicorn blinked. "Hm? Oh, yes... sorry. Febreze, this is Rarity. Rarity, this is Febreze, she is visiting Ponyville."

The unicorn apparently called Rarity smiled and did a sort of weird pony curtsy. "Charmed, I'm sure."

Um... 'kay. I could do little but smile awkwardly. Whether she was bothered by this or not I did not know, for she turned back to Twilight.

“Twilight, I didn’t know you had company. This is very unlike you.“

“How do you mean?”

“Oh, you know, dear. It’s just that… well, you’re not usually the type to entertain visitors save for the girls and I. Come to think of it, I believe this young filly here is the only guest you’ve had since… well, ever.”

Apparently, Twilight took offense to this and was about to retort before I cut in. “You make it sound as though she’s a shut-in or something of the sort.”

Surprisingly enough, Rarity giggled and Twilight actually looked a bit embarrassed, if her shifty eyes were an indication. “Oh, you don’t know the half of it, dear, but Twilight is a very studious mare. She’s been known to coop herself with her books for days at a time. Won’t come out for any reason. Why, sometimes I worry I’ll come here and find out she’s a vampony!”

Vampony? Seriously?

“Heh. Ha, ha, yeah…” she chuckled and trailed off awkwardly. “Is there something you came for, Rarity?”

“Yes, actually. I wanted to see if you’d like to accompany for a day out on the town. I was thinking we could swing by for lunch, and then take a full course at the spa which, if I may say, darling, you are way overdue. Oh, and I was thinking we could go pay Rainbow Dash a visit. The poor dear must be so bored and I was thinking we could bring her one of those Daring Do books she likes so much.”

“Isn’t Pinkie with her?”

“Well, yes. But she’s been with Dash all day yesterday and… I know she means well, but even Pinkie Pie needs some time to herself.”

Twilight didn’t look too convinced, so the other one, Rarity, spoke up again. “Come on dear. Please? This has all been hard on everypony, but I’m sure it would do Dash some good to see your face.”

Twilight sighed and gave her a small smile. “Well, I have been kind of cooping myself up, haven’t I?”

Rarity nodded abashedly. “The girls and I didn’t want to say anything, but yes, you kind of have.”

"Well, I guess I could go for a bite." She then turned to me. "You know, Febreze here is visiting Ponyville. Why don't we invite her and show her the sights?"

Rarity’s oversized pony eyes gleamed. “Why, I think that’s a splendid idea.” She then turned to me. “What do you say, dear, would you like to accompany us? We’d be delighted to have you.”

Uh, wait, what? I came here to return a book. How did we get from that to being invited for a girls’ day out? “Um, I really shouldn’t. I don’t want to be a bother.”

“Nonsense! I already told you, dear, Twilight and I would be glad to have you.”

Christ, can’t you take a hint? I should have outright said no. I should have outright said I’d rather snort a line of fire ants before engaging in girly, fru-fru activities. I should have outright said to her that if she didn’t quit bugging me, I’d give her a first hand demonstration in what it felt like to be a bloodied pony pancake.

“O-okay.”

Goddamnit!

Rarity clapped both her hooves, somehow not managing to lose her balance. “Excellent! Oh, we’re going to have the best time, I can already tell.”

Twilight nodded. “Sounds like a plan. Anyway, would you girls excuse me? I’d like to get a bit freshened up before we leave.”

Rarity approved. “By all means, Twilight, take however long you need. A princess has to look her best when she goes out.”

“Alright, you girls make yourselves comfortable. I’ll be done as soon as I can.” She then headed into her bedroom, closing the door shut and leaving us there.

By ourselves.

All alone.

Shit.

As we waited there for Twilight, I could see that Rarity was acting a bit dodgy. She was staring at me, but not staring at me. It was one of those things. Her eyes would dart over for a second or two, taking in my details and then she’d shift her attention to something else. This went over for a bit, her creeping at me, and me getting more and more flustered by the second. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say she was restraining herself from speaking. Well, eventually, I’d had enough and turned to her while she was creeping at me.

“What?” I asked brusquely.

She blinked a bit and recoiled. “Oh… oh, my goodness. Pardon me, Febreze. I did not mean to stare, it’s just that...”

“Yes?” I asked, eyes narrowed.

A pensive look came on her fuzzy mug and tapped a hoof to her chin twice before speaking. “Might I ask… where you got that frock you’re wearing?”

I arched an eyebrow at the odd question but answered nonetheless. "A... friend gave it to me." I did not care to elaborate beyond that.

Rarity hummed. "Ah, I see." She gave me a once over again and looked away, her pony lips pursed shut and it looked as though she was restraining herself from speaking anymore.

Now, this was perfectly fine with me as I had no interest to engage her further and so I made myself comfortable(or as comfortable as one can be when standing on four legs while occupying the alien form of a pony) and waited patiently for Twilight to finish up so we could be on our way.

Me, I opted to remain stock still, while Rarity fidgeted, shifting her weight and kept on shooting uneasy looks at me.

I closed my eyes. Good god, what is taking that alicorn so long?

Was she getting dressed or something? Probably fixing herself up to go out. I sometimes forget girls tend to take a while before going out in public, but that was never much of a problem for me so these things tend to slip my mind.

I waited, not saying a word, and Rarity kept on looking at me. To my dismay, she didn't stop and so, finally losing my patience, I heaved a defeated sigh and turned to her, not bothering to hide the annoyance in my face.

"What?" I said in a near hiss.

Rarity couldn't contain herself any longer. She started to walk to me, speaking in a hurried manner. "I-it's just that I'm a dressmaker, dearie, and I know a thing or two about fashion. It's my passion, don't you know. A-and forgive me for saying this, I'm not usually so forward but..." She was now next to me and grabbed a piece of my frock with her hoof. "This is simply an affront to fashion, dear. I'm sorry, I don't mean to besmirch your or your friend's tastes, but it is. And you know, I have my own little clothes shop not too far from here. We could swing by really quick. I'm sure there's a few outfits that would just look fabulous on you." She then cupped my face with both her filthy-- no, wait. Her hooves were actually pretty clean. Sparkling, even. Clean enough to eat out of, not that I’d ever do, but still. She smushed my cheeks and caused my lips to stick out somehow managing to not lose her balance. She then leaned in closely, taking in my features. "A-and you have such lovely eyes and nice, full, thick eyelashes. I could do a bit of a touch up and we'd be able to really help your natural beauty come forth and I'm sure you'd have all the colts swooning over you. Now, wouldn't that be nice?"

With enormous restraint on my part, I pried her hooves from my face and simply said, "No."

"A-what? But... darling, what do you mean no?"

"I mean I'm not interested."

"B-but... I... are you," she paused. "Satisfied with the way you look?"

I narrowed my eyes and my voice took on a deathly quiet quality. "And what is wrong with the way I look?"

She looked like she was about to jump into a pointless drivel, but at the last moment her eyes widened and a look of realization spread across her fuzzy mug. "Oh... oh!" She gave me a small embarrassed smiled and backed away a bit. "I'm sorry dear. I did not mean to put you in an uncomfortable position, I just tend to get a teensy bit carried away in matters of fashion. And no there's nothing wrong with the way you look. Nothing at all!" It might have been my imagination, but it seemed she was trying to convince herself more than me. "After all every pony has their own unique sense of fashion, yours just happens to be more... well, um... different than what I'm used to seeing," she finished with what might have meant to be a reassuring smile, though it seemed a bit forced and it faltered as she gave me a once over again. It was obvious that my refusal for her to gussy me up seemed to be causing her a great deal of suffering, which was just dandy in my book.

Luckily, Twilight chose that moment to emerge from her bedroom and... she looked exactly the same. No, wait, it was her mane. Where before it was only somewhat straight, with only a few hairs sticking out here and there it was now completely straight and uniform in appearance, with literally none a hair out of place-- so straight and orderly that even the most fastidious nazi would approve of.

"Okay, girls. I hope I didn't keep you waiting too long."

"Not at all, dear. Febreze and I were just getting better acquainted. Are you ready to go?"

She nodded her agreement and so we went, with me trailing along reluctantly. Granted, this Twilight was just a pony, but she was also a princess and even though, for some reason she chose to rule this backwards, unenlightened mud village I was still not aware of how much power she truly wielded. It would be a real bummer if she takes offense to my admittedly offensive views of her and her ilk and chooses to bring her might down upon me.

As we walked on through the town, I couldn't help but notice how the serfs and peasants reacted to their ruler being out in the streets. Namely, they didn't react at all. Nothing, nada, zilch. No words of adulation, no prostrating themselves, nothing at all to indicate she was anything other than a normal pony. I mean, what the hell? As a princess they should very well know what she looked like, and I would normally be willing to dismiss this as the fact she wore no princessy ornaments whatsoever. No cape, no cane, no tiara, no crown, not even freakin' pony slippers made of glass. Even so, there were only a total of four alicorns currently residing in Equestria, and as stupid and incompetent as these ponies may be, surely even they would take notice if their ruler saw it fit enough to grace their filthy, fetid, mud streaked streets with her presence

Even more baffling was how she didn't have any sort of guard detail. She was supposed to be a princess, for chrissakes and there she was, out in the open. If I so desired, could just lunge forward and crush her rotund, purple head like an overripe grape. Are princesses so undervalued here or what? I mean... that's just... not...

What?!

No, no, remember what we talked about, girl. Just accept it, accept it... yeah.

Well, anyway, we got to the restaurant which for this primitive mud village, was relatively modern looking. Everything was smaller to fit the lesser pony form, with low tables and instead of chairs, the place used cushions which were actually very soft and comfortable. Pony waiters were traipsing around here and there, balancing trays on their backs or mouths and a surprisingly decadent smell filled the place. Despite the fact all they served here was vegetarian hippie crap, the smell was so good it actually made my mouth water.

We got seated and again, neither the hostess or the waiters or any of the other peons made any sort of recognition for Twilight and the fact she didn't seem to mind was really starting to bug me. Either the whole princess system was a farce, or Twilight herself was simply not respected and her princess title was a gimmick more than anything.

Anyway, we got seated, got drinks and got to talking, or rather, Twilight and Rarity talked while trying to include me every now and then, asking me about myself and generally doing that cutesy bonding crap people did. My answers tended to be short and clipped, but if it bothered them they did not show it.

Our waiter then arrived, and I had to consciously keep myself from sneering and making any sort of snide remarks. He was an earth stallion; white coated and his black mane, slick and greased with way too much product. A pretentious mustache grew across his horse muzzle, and he wore a pony version of a tuxedo. Lastly, there was a look of condescending superiority on his mug that made me want to punch his lights out.

"Welcome to the Polished Glass, madams and miss. My name is Silver Platter and I shall be your host this afternoon. Have you decided what you want to eat?"

Urge to snark... rising...

Gawd, his voice had a snooty, nasally quality to it. The urge to snark and deride welled up in my chest, and it was truly a monumental feat that I kept myself from acting up on it. Anyway, Twilight placed her order; some sort of grilled vegetable dish while Rarity got what looked to be a vegetarian version of eggs benedict. Content though they were with their rabbit food, I did not share their sentiments. To my despair, the menu did not offer anything that was not made with some sort of vegetable. Luckily, the kids', or rather, foals' menu had more acceptable alternatives and in the end, I wound up ordering a tall glass of milk and a peanut butter and marshmallow fluff sandwich. The frenchy waiter left and once again, my two most gracious hosts tried to do the whole getting-to-know-you schtick. I guess it was nice of them to try, but I hadn't come here to make friends.

Thankfully, the food hit the table rather quick and so their attempts at conversation mostly fizzled out. My sammie was unusually delicious, better than the ones I used to make back home and the milk itself was richer and more full-bodied than that Wal-Mart brand. I was a bit unsure on how to eat it, as I didn't want to pick it up with my soiled hooves, but after a quick glance around I could see Pegasi and earth ponies simply hunching down and taking a bite, not unlike a dog. Normally, I wouldn't stoop myself to these creatures' level, but free food was free food, and PB and marshmallow fluff and I went way back, so I was willing to make an exception. Just this time... really.

Rarity seemed to be enjoying herself too. she used her unicorn magic to daintily pick up her cutlery(how levitation can be made to look dainty, I don’t know, but she was somehow doing it) and cutting off bite sized pieces, carefully dabbing her mouth with the napkin after each bite despite the fact there were no smears or food to clean off.

Twilight too looked pleased with her plate of vegetables and to my mild surprise, bent down to take a large bite, not opting to use her pony magic. She chewed noisily, making ecstatic sounds and every now and then, a crumb of food would escape her mouth.

Sheesh... look at your princess, peons. Truly she is the epitome of grace and royalty.

Damn, even I had better table manners than her. The sloppy display did not go unnoticed by Rarity, who forced her face into a neutral expression, but she was much too anal about such matters to completely hide it, as her eye twitched erratically. She actually looked a bit embarrassed… hell, even I started to feel put out by our esteemed princess’ table manners.

“Eh… Twilight, darling. Do you think you might want to, oh, I don’t know… slow down just a teensy little bit?” she asked delicately.

*Nom, nom, nom* “Huh? Hwassat, ‘Airity?” she asked through a mouthful of half chewed veggies.

“You’re being a slob,” I cut in brusquely.

She actually looked taken aback, while Rarity gasped. “Febreze! That was very rude of you. Surely there’s a more tactful way you could have let Twilight know how uncouth she was.”

With a big gulp, Twilight swallowed her food. Kinda looked painful…

“Oh… was I really that bad?” she asked timidly, ears splayed back and a faint rosy tint in her cheeks. Ok, seriously? How can ponies blush? They’re covered in fur, goddamn it!

Rarity’s eyes widened and she immediately moved to do damage control. “N-no, not at all darling! We didn’t mean to put you down. It’s just that… well, you’re a princess now, Twilight. Don't you think you should... how should I put it... eat in a way more befitting somepony of your stature?"

Twilight did not answer immediately. She dabbed her mouth with her napkin and a slight crease formed in her brow. "Rarity," she began to say in that exasperated sort of way. The kind one uses in an oft discussed topic. "I've told you before, I don't want to be or be treated any differently just because I'm a princess."

Rarity nodded. "Yes, I can understand that, darling, but even if you are not a princess there are still some rules of etiquette everypony should follow."

"That was pretty disgusting," I said, adding in my two cents.

Rarity spared me an exasperated look before turning back to her reluctant overlord. "What I think Febreze is trying to say is that other ponies might be put off by such uncouth table manners."

Twilight sighed and chuckled sheepishly. "Well, I guess I was a bit of a slob. But I couldn't help it. The food was just so good and I forgot to eat lunch and dinner yesterday. Guess I got a bit carried away."

"Perfectly alright, dear. Just something to keep in mind."

And with that, Twilight emulated Rarity and used her magic to manipulate her cutlery, cutting off a piece of a brussel sprout(say, that's a name derived from a human city in my world. Are they called brussel sprouts here as well?) and placing it in her mouth, chewing and swallowing at a normal pace.

"Better?" she asked coyly.

Rarity beamed and nodded her approval. "Much."

Then they both broke out in giggles. Me, I rolled my eyes and suppressed a suffering sigh, praying to the gods to maybe send down a meteor and kill us all.