Author's Notes:

A bit of a slow chapter today, mostly setting things up. But don't fret, there will be considerably more action and villainous deeds in the upcoming installments.

Goddamn Starswirl the Bearded! Would it kill him to give his books a little spice? Just because he was for sort of genius does not mean he can just bore any aspiring magicians to tears. I closed shot the book, titled The Theory of Magic, Volume I and brought both hands to rub my face and hopefully give all the words a chance to sink in. Theory, theory, theory. The past several days had been full of it, and damn if it wasn’t a bore. I mean, yeah, I could see why it was necessary, but wasn’t there a way to make it not suck?

“Uhh, my brain feels like mush,” I moaned.

No response.

I cracked an eye and spotted Ari-- well, her temporary form-- lazing leisurely atop a massive, velvet-looking, violet cushion, her face dug deep into its fluffy middle.

“Are you listening?” I asked in mild annoyance.

“Hm?” She lifted her gray-furred mug, still content and looked at me. “Did you say something?”

I set down the book atop the increasingly growing pile around me. “How long do I need to keep this up?”

“Until you learn the basic components needed to cast a spell.”

My eye twitched. Was she shitting me? Probably not. “Magic, visualization, intent. Magic, visualization, intent. Magic, visualization and fucking intent. It’s been nothing but that for a week straight. When do I get to the good stuff?”

“You do realize what happened the last time you tried your hand at the ‘good stuff’,” she said flatly.

Ouch. Okay, that was fair, but still. “Yes, I know what happened. I’m still itchy in some spots…” I muttered. “But I’m not gonna get any better without getting some first hand experience.” And she still did not look convinced. “Besides, you’ve seen what I did to those manticores. That was magic. That was all me, and I did not lose control.”

She considered this for a moment. “I… guess that’s true,” she said reluctantly. “Alright, you can try to conjure fire again.”

Hmph. Honestly, I didn’t screw up that bad, even if I did blow up one of the remaining towers of the castle. Not one of my best moments, I’ll admit, but this magic business was trickier than I anticipated. Still, I was getting better and more knowledgeable by the day. I could do this, damn it!

The room we were in was a study of some sort, filled with little midget tables and chairs, quite a few bookcases, dusty rugs(which I’d hung out one of the many windows and beat with a stick, for the thousand years’ worth of accumulated dust made me sneeze), expensive-looking chandeliers and miscellaneous paintings. I rose from my table which, even in my rather short stature was still a little awkward settling in, and sat down on a spot in the middle of the room, bereft of any flammable material. Ari obviously was still not sold I would not screw up, for she overturned a table and hid behind it, just in case.

I rolled my eyes and instead focused on my second attempt at conjuration. I settled myself, legs crossed, took a deep breath and brought both hands inches from my face, facing another in a grasping motion. I concentrated, staring at the empty space between my hands. I brought them up, closer, and tried to get a feel for things. To remember all that theoretical knowledge I’d absorbed over the past few days and put it into practice. The chaos magic was there, and I could feel it coursing through my body. Good. And just like that, a tiny ball of fire, no bigger than a marble, materialized in the space between my hands. Yes!

Slowly, steadily, I brought my hands down, never taking my eyes of the little sucker as it stayed in place, its surface pulsing and rippling gently. “Finally. Now I’m getting somewhere.”

“Good, but try not to blow it this time,” Ari called out from behind her hiding place.

“It wasn’t that bad,” I murmured.

“It was. You literally blew it… in your face.”

I grunted at the memory. It wasn’t bad enough that I had to learn witchy pony stuff from scratch, or that I had to absorb a whole entire field of concepts and theories I never would have imagined before, no, what really made me want tear out my hair in frustration more than once was how… hard this was.

It had been… interesting, learning to do spells. I was only limited to very basic stuff, though. Despite the fact I did indeed have a pool of magic to draw from, I did not have the knowledge on how to use it, and a large portion of my time had been spent trying to get a feel for it, as there was not much else to do.

Ari had been very helpful on that. All her time as a voyeur had allowed her to witness countless foals getting magic lessons, and most of them had proved to be transferrable to a human. It really helped speed things up.

Intent and visualization. Those were the cornerstone of every spell one would need to cast, and by themselves, were not hard concepts to grasp. Magic was-- at its most basic-- energy, plain and simple. A type of energy that could be molded into a desired effect.

If I wanted to, say, fire off magic bolts like I’d seen the unicorns do-- that was fairly straightforward. What was not as straightforward was figuring out a way to contain and compress that energy into a single beam. It could be compared to firing off an RPG.

The projectile delivers an explosive payload and the contents themselves are explosive, but what prevents those contents from exploding right in the face of the person who fires? A shell that envelops the explosives, delivering destruction while keeping the… firer(?) safe.

Without this ‘shell’ enveloping my so-called spells, the energy would simply dissipate in all directions like, say, if I wanted to make a fireball in which I accidentally poured too much magic juice into.

Without that ‘shell’ safely containing the spell, the user would be enveloped in a gigantic, whopping explosion that, besides tearing off all her clothes, would leave a normal human charred to a crisp. Luckily, said user was no longer an average human and merely got away with something akin to a bad, all-over sunburn and singed hair.

…

So… yeah. Progress.

I winced. “Don’t remind me.” It was not a pleasant memory. I shook it off and instead focused on the little ball of fire. It held in place and kept its form… mostly. Still, progress.

Yet another hassle was just how much raw chaos magic I had. Obviously, a larger pool of magic to draw from meant I could outclass the little pukes in terms of power and casting duration, which was a big plus in my book. Even so, I was still trying to get the hang of this magic stuff and moderating the amount of power I fuelled in my limited spellcasting was tricky.

My embarrassing blunder with that fire spell attested to that. Too little power meant that my attempted spell would fail; too much and it would grow beyond my control, possibly backfiring. It was really annoying.

I looked across the room where a cauldron stood, sitting on a bed of tinder and crackling flames. “How long until that’s ready?”

“Sometime before the eve, but be mindful to stir every now and then. You don’t want any residue to throw off the effects.”

“Yeah, yeah.” I pulled at the magic fueling the little fire ball, watching it dissipate into thin air and got to my feet, looking over the concoction, which had taken on a pleasantly orange color. Kind of like Sunny-D. “Now, where did I leave that spoon?” I mumbled and looked around, spotting it at a nearby table.

Okay, let’s try this again. I reached out with my arm, making a pulling motion. The spoon didn’t so much as float, but rather rocketed towards me, smacking me in the face and clattering to the ground. Oh, well, it wasn’t perfect by any means but hey, baby steps.

“You’re getting better.”

“Not fast enough,” I grumbled. “The sooner I get ahold of this magic business the sooner I can get to look for a way out of here.”

“Oh, come on,” she sighed in exasperation. “It can’t be that bad staying here, can it? From what I understand, your world does not have magic. It sounds pretty boring to tell the truth.”

Yeah, I filled her in on my whole situation. She bought it pretty quick, to tell the truth.

“It’s not boring, just shitty. Well, parts of it.”

“Either way, it doesn’t seem to me you’ll be going back anytime soon, so you might as well enjoy yourself. Live a little, you know.”

I scowled. “You want me to make friends with the ponies?”

“It’s not the worst thing that could happen. What do you have against them anyway? I’d like to remind you I am a pony as well. I’m not that bad, am I?”

“You’re weird,” I shot back.

“And you’re not?”

“Even if I wanted to, I don’t even know how to blend in with them.”

“You could try talking. That’s usually a good icebreaker.”

“And did you forget that they keep my kind as pets? Or what they do to them?” I continued on, pretending I didn’t hear.

“I kept a human or two, you know.”

Wait, what? I looked up at her, the spoon sliding from my hand and becoming lost amid the depths of the cauldron’s contents. “You… did?”

Ari nodded, and a small, wistful smile stretched across her fuzzy mug. “Back in the day, yes. I had this little female cub. I named her Sugarplum and we got along like cream on wheat. And I was a very good owner, I’ll have you know. Took her on walks, played with her, bathed her and shared my vegetables with her.”

“Well, whoop-dee-doo for you. What’s your point?”

“Point is, I’m a pony, I owned humans and you seem to have no problem with me. Now, why can’t you give other ponies a chance?”

“Maybe you’ve missed the part where I am an intelligent human from another universe,” I shot back. “Who even knows how they’ll react to me.”

“That’s what the potion is for,” she said and pointed to said brew. “Speaking of, it’s burning. Do something about that, won’t you?”

“Huh?” I whirled, the brew all but forgotten at this point and where before it was merely bubbling lazily, the concoction was now frothing, spilling over the sides and hissing loudly as it made contact with the fire.

“Shit!” Hurrying over, I heaved the cauldron with my bare hands, the rocket hot metal only barely scalding me, and placed it on the cool stone ground. I then turned to the fire. Last I looked it was almost embers and crackling peacefully, now a roaring blaze, with miniature explosions going off every few seconds, sending flares in various directions.

And just like that, an unseen force tugged a particularly thick piece of charred wood out, hurtling it to a barren spot on the room. It was immediately made clear this was the source of the ruckus, as upon its removal, the smoldering embers went back to normal, though the wood itself was still ablaze, with loud snaps coming off, immediately followed by a flare.

“What the hell was that?!” I demanded to no one in particular.

“Ah, yes. I forgot to mention this sort of thing might happen,” Ari said calmly. “Some timber wolves, or at least, parts of them if they are particularly old, absorb latent magic and organic components to keep their bodies resilient and to prevent rotting. But when they do this, their bodies can become extremely dense with organic matter, resulting in flare ups such as these.”

“Oh, shit, the potion!” I did not have the time or patience to brew a second batch, so I prayed to any and all deities I could think of that it was not completely ruined. “Oh, man, how does it look? Can we salvage it?” It looked to still be normal, but I couldn’t help but fret.

“I believe so,” Ari said, having approached and propped herself on two legs, scrutinizing the brew. It didn’t seem like the heat bothered her... “But quick, place it back on the fire or it will degrade beyond repair.”

That’s how the next couple of hours went, fussing over the damned concoction and me cursing my luck for being dragged into all this. For my sake and morale, I hoped that the next day would bring a shred of good news to ease my beyond frazzled nerves.

Thankfully, the potion worked, and come next day, I tried some of it. Do you have any idea what it’s like to not have a human body? It’s… fucking... weird. My body, for lack of a better word, twisted, contorted and melted until what was left was the lesser form of a pony, the pegasus variety. Walking was a bitch to try and get down. If I was to infiltrate their fetid little mud town then I needed to appear as convincing as possible. The first ten or so minutes were hard, but I managed to more or less get it down and was able to walk normally, though running and climbing stairs were not so easy.

Still, it was good practice, and with that in mind, I set out to enter Ponyville.

It… seemed to be going okay. I was just another nobody, minding my own business and the ponies around me made no effort to initiate contact and it suited me just fine. I carefully made my rounds through the mud village, body tense, heart pounding, eyes darting back and forth, hoping none of the little twerps would make me out.

The scenes playing out before me were cloying and gag inducing. Happy pastel ponies everywhere, tending to their mundane, everyday tasks and more than a few of them dragging along an unwitting human by leash.

I suppressed the bubbling indignity forming at the pit of my stomach and tried to ignore the… nakedness of both the humans and their disgusting little masters. Apparently, it was the norm for these backwards ponies to go without clothes, letting their… things out there for all to see, and though the whole point of this little venture was to blend in and go unnoticed, I was not about to reveal my everything to these lower life forms. Degrading myself by turning into one of them was already bad enough.

So it was here that I now stood, just another pegasus pony minding her own business. It was still a bit of an effort to walk on four legs, but I was getting better and better.

A unicorn would be more tolerable, but apparently, since I used pegasus hair, that’s what I became. The no magic thing would be a bit of a hassle, as I was still getting used to using hooves and the feel of an additional set of limbs was still kind of freaky.

I looked to the stubby appendages protruding from my back and ruffled them slightly. Could I fly like one of the little turds? Maybe, but I was not too fond of heights and I didn’t plan to use this lesser form any longer than I had to. God, I missed my normal human body.

Getting the potion ingredients had been a cinch. During my treks around the forest, I’d stumbled into yet another weird treehouse, where a zebra dwelt. A zebra… in a forest… in a land of magic ponies… ugh. Anyway, while she was out(how in the world had she not fallen prey to one of the forest’s superior predators and life forms, I do not know), I chanced a look at her African-themed house and saw a big-ass cauldron with a suspicious looking concoction stewing inside. I’d told Ari about it, and she suggested using this to brew a potion that would turn me into a pony. All I had to do was sneak in while that zebra was out and looted the place for anything I needed. Brewing the potion was another matter entirely.

Who knew that even something as basic as stirring clockwise or counterclockwise would affect the finished product, or that junipers picked at the height of the full moon would yield a more stable result?

Luckily for me, Ari was all too familiar with this potion, as she had seen leaders and would-be royals use this exact same recipe for their various schemes, some evil and benign. And it wasn’t like this potion was quick to brew, either.

It needed a full, solid week to achieve its potential and even then, there was a bunch of fussiness to contend with. The fire could not be too hot nor too cold and it was a bitch to find proper kindling as Ari was not too happy with me using the castle furniture or varying cloths to feed the thing.

And of course, not just any fuel source would do, no. It needed magical kindling because, why not? And about the only magical fuel source around that I could use were timber-- yes, that’s right-- timber wolves. A task not made any easier by the fact that the damned things could reform themselves when disassembled.

I’d deliberately allowed myself to be surrounded by the wooden plant things and they’d been more than a little surprised to find out that their teeth could not pierce through my skin. It was exhausting work, really.

A single, well-placed blow was enough to shatter one of the wolves, but they were also pack hunters and the rest of them did not think it prudent to stand idly by while I collected the remains of their ilk.

It went on like that for a while, me taking swings at whichever wolf got too close, while the previous one took advantage of the delay to reform itself. In the end, I was like, ‘fuck it’ and hoisted one of the bastards over my head and ran back towards the castle where, for some reason, the wolves would not follow and I had ample time to properly destroy the captured wolf and use it for fuel.

The last hurdle to cross was obtaining a piece of whatever I would want to turn into, namely, one of the little turds. The thought of putting something that contained a piece of them into my mouth was retch-inducing, but sacrifices had to be made.

I remember my first night here, after I escaped that blasted warehouse that there was a cottage of sorts right near the edge of the forest. Perhaps a pony home? I staked out the place, using the undergrowth of the forest to hide myself and eventually I spotted a pegasus who radiated such grace, purity and cloying innocence that I felt the need to avert my eyes, lest I gouge them out.

There she was, talking and feeding the birdies and puppies and kitties and all other manner of woodland creatures, singing at them, cooing at them-- such an idyllic, saccharine display that would leave Walt Disney himself seething in a jealous rage, followed immediately by him suffering massive, multiple strokes as the sugar clogged the shit out of his veins.

I drew her out of her pony house during the night. I’d snuck into one of the chicken coops and nabbed a chicken, being sure to make enough noise to wake her up. I lured her into the forest, where I’d tied up the chicken to a tree and broken one of its legs for good measure.

The racket it was making drew the little Disney abomination deeper in, quaking and with a look of fear on her fuzzy mug at the oppressing atmosphere of the darkened forest around her, yet despite her terror, she braved through it to help the bird. I had to give her some props for that.

No that it mattered, for I’d been lurking behind some trees, quietly sneaking behind her and when she got close enough, I pounced.

She screamed in terror, but didn’t see me over the darkness of the forest. I hoisted her from behind, a hand in her mouth and my other arm round her neck, placing her in a chokehold.

She squirmed and flailed, crying all the while like a bitch, but my grip was too strong and eventually she passed out… I think.

I’m pretty sure I didn’t kill her, but I didn’t stop to find out; there were other matters to attend to. After tearing out a chunk of her pink hair I went back for the chicken, snapping its neck and taking it with; it would fulfill a higher purpose by providing me with some much needed protein.

It had been a good idea in theory until I realized I had no idea how to properly butcher the damn thing, much less cook it over a fire. By the end of it, I’d made a complete mess and had more than a few dried chicken guts on my person, and with no spices or proper cookware the end result was a chicken that was bland and both over and undercooked in various parts.

It was no KFC by any means but it did sate my growing craving for flesh. Stupid vegetarian ponies...

Well, back to the matter at hand, or hoof as the ponies would say. I went in further, trying not to arouse suspicion and to not trip over myself. The peasants did not pay me much mind, and though there were some guards here and there, they mostly patrolled or stayed at their posts.

There were two main goals I would like to accomplish. To get a feel for the layout of the mud village and to see if there was a place I could gather intel on this hippie toon land. Oh, yeah, and also to see if I could get some unicorn hair. That way I could use magic and not seem out of place.

I’d made good progress so far. I’d managed to locate some guard barracks as well as learnt the name of the cloying pastry shop known as Sugarcube Corner. I’d made more than a few trips there during my stay at the castle, raiding as much food as I could.

However, the little bastards had been getting wise to my act. In yesterday’s nightly raid, I found a newly installed lock at the front door. Not that it detracted me, as picking it was was a cinch and just to spite the little bastards, I made a mess of the place and robbed the register of all its golden bits. Why I hadn’t done that before, I don’t know. Looking back on it, it was probably not my best idea. For all I know, the ponies would simply choose to employ better security measures.

I neared the center of town where, in my nightly raids, I’d noticed that a large section of the street had been empty, bereft of houses, trees, or anything of the sort, leaving nothing but a wide open space.

It was a different story now as it was clear the ponies had been using it to set up an open air market which was now filled with various stands and stalls and each of them filled with all sorts of healthy, delicious looking fruits and veggies.

It was a bustling place. Some ponies darting around in a hurry, some at a more sedate pace; haggling with shopkeepers, enjoying sweets and snacks and all of the repulsive little beasts naked and more than a few with a human in tow.

Now that I looked more closely(albeit reluctantly) I could tell that the humans-- some wearing clothes only above or below the waist and a few fully clothed-- sported a mark or branding of some sort in their clothing and on closer inspection, I could see it was identical to their… owner’s cutie mark. It didn’t take a genius to know it was a brand to identify which humans belonged to who.

I recognized the red-haired, cream coated little bitch from the first day who fainted at the mere sight of me, now manning a stall lined with flowers and bouquets. Another curly haired one selling mouthwatering candies that looked so scrumptious, I couldn’t help but bemoan the fact she had no proper store like Sugarcube Corner which I could loot.

“Hi!” A pink blob suddenly materialized in front of me, eyes wide and with a massive smile.

“Gahh!” What the shit?!

So surprised was I that I reared on my legs, falling heavily to the ground and just like that, my vision was once again assaulted by by a pink blob. No, not a blob-- a pink monstrosity, the star of every little girl’s dream.

She looked down at me, a wide toothy grin on her pony mug and not looking at all sorry for having startled me. “Oops. Sorry about that, friend.“

Bitch, I am not your friend! I seethed, glaring at the offensively pink pony and moved to get up.

“Here, let me give you a hoof,” she said helpfully. Her hoof touched me and I squealed in disgust, recoiling back from the dirty appendage.

“Don’t touch me! Get away from me!”

I glared daggers at the pink monstrosity, but it didn’t look like she took the hint. She merely stayed there, smiling that idiotic smile. What is she, brain addled or something? Can’t she see I want nothing to do with her? Much as I wanted to explode with a string of unpleasant remarks, I opted to do the next best thing and ignore her, roughly pushing past and get back to my task.

I heard a sort of… bouncy sound and once again, a field of pink entered my vision and to my dismay, there she was again, bouncing alongside me.

“Are you new here? You must be new here, because I know everypony in Ponyville but I’ve never seen you here before. What’s your name? Do you like parties? I like parties. They make ponies smile and making ponies smile is my special talent. Do you want to be friends? Ooh, I bet we could be best of friends and since you’re new here, you probably don’t have any friends, which is sad because everypony should have a friend--”

“You’re following me. Why are you following me?” I asked through gritted teeth.

The pink pest stopped bouncing and instead now trotted alongside me, though that idiotic grin had lost none of its potency. “I knew it,” she said triumphantly. “You’re not from around here, because everypony in Ponyville knows I’m Pinkie Pie.”

My mouth curled in disgust. “Pinkie Pie…” A nauseating name, though one appropriate for this pink abomination.

“That’s me,” she chirped. “And as Ponyville’s unofficial, yet still official member of the one party pony welcoming committee for new ponies, it is my pleasure to welcome you to Ponyville!”

Uhh. “What?” I literally had no idea what she just said.

The pink menace merely giggled at my confusion. “My job is to welcome new ponies to Ponyville and to become good friends with them.”

“You think it’s your job to become friends with everybody that passes through here,” I couldn't help but blurt out. That was by far one of the most asinine things I’ve ever heard. How is one supposed to keep track of so many friends… and who would be deranged enough to indiscriminately become friends with anybody off the street.

I looked to the pink menace with horror, but she was too busy blathering more nonsense I did not care to make out. And still, she kept on talking with that annoying voice and that creepy smile

My already limited tolerance for this pink monstrosity quickly evaporated, and I just barely managed to hold myself together and keep from tearing into her. “Do you know what funitis is?” I said abruptly.

She blinked idiotically at my interruption. “Funitis?”

“Yeah.”

She shook her head, the impossibly curly mane bouncing along. “Nope.”

Excellent. She looks like a gullible idiot, so I can probably bullshit my way out. “Well, I have it. It’s a disease that makes you sad and angry and not want to talk, smile or have fun.”

She gasped, her already freakishly huge eyeballs growing in size. “That’s horrible!”

I nodded grimly. “It is, and there’s no cure. You just have to wait it out. It’s also really contagious so you may not want to stand too close.”

Yeah, that got her good and riled, as she darted a distance away from me.

“You’re still too close. You need to go farther,” I said (un)helpfully.

She shifted on her hooves, a conflicted expression on her pony mug. “Ooh, I don’t know. Are you going to be okay? Don’t you want company? When I don’t feel so good I always like somepony to keep me company.”

I nodded. “I should be fine in about a week. Just don’t come anywhere near me and you should be fine… no, you know what? Don’t even talk to me. You can get funitis just by talking to someo… pony infected.”

“Well… okay, then.” Then all of a sudden she gasped, bringing both hooves to her mouth. “Ohmygosh! I just talked to you and I’m not supposed to talk!” She repeated the process. “Oh, no! I just did it again!”

She seemed to be on the verge of a continuous loop, so I intervened before it got that far. “Hey, get out of here already! You wanna get funitis too?”

The pink idiot squealed, keeping her mouth shut and shaking her head vigorously before disappearing in the blink of an eye.

I rolled my eyes at her idiocy. For my sake, I hoped the average pony would be smarter than her. Otherwise, how could they be of use? Not that it mattered, as what I’d seen so far in this mud village left me largely unimpressed. The town seemed to be populated only by the working class. Farmers and laborers. Peasants and serfs. I needed someone higher up the food chain.

I spotted an earth pony nearby. A mare, purple in color with purple mane and with grapes as her cutie mark. “You,” I said in a clear, firm voice.

The mare’s ears, which had been drooping, perked slightly “Huh? Whozzat?” She turned to face me and in that moment, I realized I should have picked a better target. For one, her coat and mane were a complete mess, tangled and in disarray and I swear there was something that looked like hay and twigs sticking out of her mane and tail. Her eyes were half-lidded and had a dazed, unfocused look to them and lastly in one of her hooves was… a bottle of wine?

Her face broke into a lopsided, goofy smile. “Heeey, gal. Havn’t sheen you ‘round these parts.” She trotted towards me in a clumsy, three-legged gait, almost planting face first into the ground more than once. “You’s called for me, gal?” she said in a drunken slur, taking a swig out of the bottle.

“Who’s in charge of this place?” I asked as clear a voice as I could.

She blinked. “Um, whazzat?”

“The boss. The big cheese. Who’s the most important pony in here?”

“Important… ponish,” she mumbled, letting out a burp. “Ahh, tha’was a good un. ‘S princess Twailaight Shparkle you wanna see--”

Finally, now I’m getting somewhere. “And where can I find this princess Twilight?” God, what a ridiculously girly name. Kind of makes you want to gag.

She did not look too pleased at being interrupted-- not that I cared-- but answered nonetheless. She pointed a bottled hoof somewhere behind me. “She’s in the treebrary thing, lives there. Waaay over ther’ but… hey, what givesh gal! That ain’t nice...” she squawked indignantly as I’d immediately turned and started to make my way there.

I was familiar with said library, having crossed it more than once during my nightly excursions. It was kind of hard to forget it, really. Still, I couldn’t help but wonder; Would this so-called princess live in a tree-hugging hippie’s wet dream of a treehouse? And in this fetid, backwards mud village at that? Aren’t princesses supposed important or something and live in opulent palaces?

It was a disconcerting thought, not only because it served to lower my opinion of ponies even further and into abysmal, but because of the implications behind it. If the little turds were content to confine one of the royal class into a tree house/library in some random, godforsaken village, it did not speak highly of their advancement, be it cultural or magical which was crucial in aiding my escape of this world.

The library came into view. Hmm, is this a home or public property? I was unclear on whether or not I should knock. After a moment of hesitation, I opened the door and went in. There were books everywhere, obviously and the place had a strangely pleasant smell of wood and parchment.

A quick once-over revealed no guards or security of any kind which, again, was baffling. This was the home of a princess? Okay, that does it. I have officially lost all respect for ponies as a species. A shuffling, scraping sound resonated and a… purple, midget lizard thing came into view, staring at me questioningly and was no doubt about to say something when I beat it to the punch.

“What in the hell are you?” I asked brusquely, more out of surprise than anything.

Its face scrunched up, obviously not liking my tone. “I’m a dragon and my name is Spike. What are you doing here?” It asked in a mildly accusing tone.

It’s name was Spike? Was it a pet of some kind? It’s voice was sorta androgynous, so I couldn’t tell whether it was a male or female, but I didn’t particularly care. And did it say it was a dragon? Aren’t dragons supposed to be like… awesome? Fierce? Intimidating? Hell, I’ve seen pictures of juvenile dragons that far surpass the pathetic excuse of a lizard standing in front of me. I almost felt sorry for it.

“This is a public library, isn’t it?”

“Well… yes, but--”

“Then by definition, I can come in whenevs during operating hours, right?”

“Technically, but--”

“And this library is currently open, right?”

“Yes, but--”

“Good, glad we straightened that out. I’m looking for a Twilight Sparkle. Does she live here?”

“She’s not here right now, and I would like it if--”

I did not care to listen to this pathetic being any more than I had to, so I turned my back on it, choosing instead to do something productive and get some reading done while I waited for this so-called princess to return. Ignoring the lizard’s protests, I browsed the shelves, trying to identify exactly what kind of filing system was in use.

For whatever reason, it was the Dewey decimal system, just like back home. Goddamn it. It's bizarre coincidences like this that make me wonder whether or not all my previous life was an elaborate, hyper-realistic dream or illusion or something of the sort.

I mean, what the hell? From what I’d seen so far, these ponies behaved eerily like people and all these freaky parallels to my previous life kept nagging at the back of my head. Well, whatever. I could feel the beginnings of a migraine coming on, so I cleared my head and got back to the task at hand.

There was an encyclopedia of sorts, with detailed and, dare I say, pretty drawings of the land I now stood on, which was apparently called Equestria. And there was Ponyville, right near the center of the map and further to the north the city of Canterlot, built on the side of a mountain(using pony magic, no doubt) and, if what one of the passages indicated was true, the capital city of Equestria where two additional alicorn princesses ruled.

No, scratch that. Four alicorn princesses. Apparently the last one rules some place in the far frozen north called the Crystal Empire. I wonder, did this mean crystal as in actual crystals or crystal meth? Given the freaky parallels with my world, it could go either way.

Was there a king or queen in addition to them? The book didn’t say. For all I knew they were dead and their spawn would play cutthroat politics in order to claim the throne or something.

The rest of the map was informative, though I had to do a double take and rub my eyes at the names of the cities displayed on the map. Fillydelphia, Hoofington, Trottingham, Baltimare, Manehattan and Vanhoover were just some of the names that kept on piling to the overstacked WTF file in my head.

Further south the forest and grasslands gave way to a desert with Wild-West-styled towns and even further below were the barren badlands where there were no pony settlements of any kind and to the southeast a myriad of bogs, marshes and wetlands called the Hayseed Swamps. Damn, they got all kinds of climates and ecosystems here.

Oh, and apparently there was also a city composed entirely of clouds called, appropriately enough, Cloudsdale. If what I was reading was right, it was a mobile city populated by pegasi, thought the odd griffon could be found(and now there’s griffons too? What’s next, minotaurs? Chupacabras? Wendigos?).

Still, I could only read for so long, and after I was done, I started to look around. The place seemed empty and the lizard was nowhere in sight. As discreetly as I could, I tore some choice pages from the book and placed it on one of the saddlebags in my back. I would need to study them further still. Given that the place was empty and bereft of any kind of security, I roamed around, inspecting the peasant surroundings where this Twilight dwelt.

Aside from the icebox, the kitchen looked to be fairly modern and the pantry was stocked with all kinds of goods and treats. I helped myself to a handful and noted how the level of advancement and technology in this land seemed to be set at random.

In the upstairs floor I found what was probably Twilight’s bedroom. The pony bed was quite a bit shorter than the average bed which I guess would make sense. On the floor, not too far from there was a basket with bedding and a pillow and the name Spike imprinted on it. Huh, I guess the lizard really was a pet. How pathetic.

There was a vanity of sorts, but no makeup whatsoever. Just a hairbrush, horsebrush and other hair things. A nearby picture frame depicted the lizard hugging a purple unicorn, Twilight Sparkle, presumably. A unicorn. But.. wait. Unicorn? Isn’t she supposed to be an alicorn?

That was… odd. Oh, well. I inspected my reflection on the mirror, a far cry from a normal human girl. At the very least, my pony form somewhat resembled my real body.

I was a bit shorter than the average mare and my coat and wings were near white and though most of it was covered by a green pony frock, they had a very pale, almost imperceptible tint of peach to them, though my hair and disgusting pony tail were pitch black in color. Surprisingly enough, my freakishly large eyes did not have stereoscopic vision.

Eventually, I got tired of waiting for this Twilight and just as I descended to go back into the forest and try again tomorrow, the door opened and there she was. Purple? Check. Horns and wings? Check. She looked tired, somehow and did not immediately see me standing there, so I cleared my throat to get her attention.

Her ears, which had started to sag, perked up at the noise and she turned her head to look at me. Now, I was by no means an expert in pony expressions, but her disturbingly human-like features would suggest she was tired. Not just physically, but emotionally and maybe quite a bit stressed.

“Can I… help you?” she asked, her tone more inquisitive than anything else.

I stepped forward confidently. “I’m looking for Twilight Sparkle. Are you her?”

She nodded, still looking at me with nothing but curiosity. “I am, and you are?”

Oh, shit! I didn’t think to think up a pony name! The words died in my throat and my eyes darted around the room, looking for a suitable alternative, anything that would help me come up with a passable name. Books? No. Chairs? No. Windows? No. Quill? No. Spray bottle? No… wait, wait! What about…

“Febreze. You’re one of the princesses, right?”

She nodded again. “Yes, I am, but what are you doing here?”

“Doing research for a little project,” I said simply. And hey, it was the truth.

All of a sudden, she seemed a lot more pleasant and friendly. Her face lifted, her eyes brightened and she trotted closer to me, her pony body language radiating friendliness(possibly).

“Oh, really? I mean, I don’t normally get that many patrons and even less ponies who come to seek knowledge. Tell me, what are you looking for? I’m sure I could help you out,” she said with a small, kind smile. God, those eyes look way too sincere.

Well… she seems nice, at least. Okay, so she was eager to help me out. That makes things easier. Normally I would have commented on how un-princess-like she was in manning a library and laugh derisively in her face, but she looked like she could be of use and so I held my tongue.

I forced myself to adopt a smile and a friendly personality and said, “Thank you for your help, princess,” and forced myself to do a quasi-bow, which left Twilight flustered, and weakly stammered how I didn’t have to do so. “It’s more of a curiosity than anything, but I’m trying to find information on the possible existence of other worlds.”

She quirked an eyebrow. “Other worlds?”

“Like I said, it’s just a curiosity. Been read a few too many novels, I think and I’m not even sure if such books even exist. Just thought I’d try and look, y’know?”

She put a hoof to her chin and a pensive look crossed her face. “Hmm, I don’t think that we have anything on that subject, but I could take a look at my directory.”

Her horn glowed with purple pony magic, and I tensed, just barely managing to keep from flinching. A nearby desk opened and from it, surrounded by the same purple pony magic was a massive book, easily half a foot thick and bound in red felt.

She brought it closer and opened it. “Impressive, isn’t it?” she said, obviously misreading the look on my face. “I wrote it myself during my spare time.”

“It’s… yeah,” I said lamely. “Don’t you have any employees who can take care of this stuff?”

She laughed lightly, speedily flipping pages and her eyes darting side to side as she took in the book’s contents. “Goodness, no. This is my home and having employees around would be, I dunno, odd. It’s not something I’ve ever considered and I really don’t mind helping a fellow pony out.”

“So it’s just you living here?”

“No. Spike lives with me. He’s a baby dragon and there’s also Max, he’s my human.” Her face sobered and her head dipped slightly at the mention of said human.

Be nice, Jackie. Be nice. “Human, huh? Is he here?” I really hoped he wasn’t. Looking at these lobotomized humans kind of creeped me out.

“No,” she said sadly. “He’s… he’s at the hospital.”

Say you’re sorry. You can do it! “Oh. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.”

She shook her head. “No, no, please. You didn’t upset me, it’s just--”

“Yes?” I asked as kindly as I could.

Her ears lowered and she let out a small, mournful sigh. “He got hurt a while back. It was very bad and… and I wasn’t sure he’d make it. Some very bad ponies got ahold of him. Forced him into a human fighting ring and, and he’s such a nice, peaceful human and he was forced to kill his own kind.”

“Whoa, that’s messed up.” Come to think of it, was she talking about that scrappy dude at the warehouse? “So what’s it look like? He gonna pull through?” I asked, genuinely interested.

“Yes. The whole thing took a toll on him. He’ll have some permanent scarring and even with magic there was only so much that could be done. But yes, he’ll be okay. The doctors told me I can take him back in a few days, so that’s something to look forward to.”

She went quiet after that and kept on looking through her book and me… damn it, I felt an overpowering desire to say something.

“Looks like you really care for him.”

She nodded solemnly. “I do. He’s a very good friend.”

So she’s one of those peop… ponies, is she? The kind who thinks animals are people too. “Well, I’m glad to hear that.”

She gave me such a kind, genuine smile I almost felt bad for deceiving her, but not enough to stop doing it.

“Ah, here it is,” she said triumphantly and brought the massive tome closer. “Let’s see, world travel. Hmm, about the only book we would have on the subject is written by Pie Tin the Elder, and quite frankly, it’s a bit outdated, and Pie Tin himself was not known to be the most… stable of ponies, at least in his later years.”

So a senile crackpot, basically. Great, just my luck. “And that’s the only book you have?” I just had to ask again.

“I’m afraid so. The information you’re looking for wouldn’t exactly be a well known or popular subject among academic circles.”

Well, fuck me. I seethed in silence until an idea popped. “What if I were to visit somewhere else? Another town or city with a bigger library?”

The corners of her lips quirked and tugged into a near smile. “My, you really take this hobby of yours seriously, don’t you?”

Bitch, are you mocking me? I forced a smile. “Kinda.”

“Well, as a dedicated researcher and lover of knowledge, it is my duty to help those who seek to enrich their intellect.” Uhh, what? “To my knowledge, Fillydelphia, Los Pegasus and Canterlot have the largest, most diverse libraries in Equestria. If there is any information on the subject, those would be the places you’d want to look.”

I nodded. “I may have to try that. Could I see the book then?”

“Of course. Will you be checking it out?”

“Could I?”

“Sure, I just need to see your library card and you’ll be good to go.”

Library card? They have those here too? Ugh, what to do? On one hand, the proffered book was written by some crackpot, likely high on pony drugs, so who even knew if it would prove useful. I couldn’t simply stay and read it, as it was more likely than not to be full of mumbo jumbo and gobbledygook. Only Ari would be able to discern its contents, so that was a bust.

Fine, it seems I have no other choice. “Oh, umm… I don’t have a library card. I just got into town today.”

“So that explains it,” she said more to herself. “I thought you looked unfamiliar.”

“You, uh, know all the ponies that live here?” I asked in mild trepidation. The whole point of my pony guise was to remain as invisible as possible, and how was I to do that when I could be recognized-- or is it unrecognized-- at a glance?

“No, not personally, but I have a very good memory and can recognize almost everypony I see-- anyway, if you would, you can fill up an application. It’s a very quick process.”

I shrugged. “Sure, why not?” I could just bullshit the whole thing. Not like I plan to visit this place again anyway.

She put the massive tome back where it was and came back with a quill and a small sheet of parchment. I realized right then and there I’d made a fatal oversight.

“Febreze? Is something wrong?” asked Twilight, an expectant look on her fuzzy mug as the items floated in front of me, waiting for me to take them.

I stared at the quill, not knowing what to do. Was I supposed to write with my pony hooves? I can barely control them as is. How in the world did she expect me to… “T-the thing is, um…” God, this was hard. I looked away not able to meet her gaze. “I-I don’t really… you know… I don’t know how to… write,” I stuttered in a small voice, my face hot with embarrassment.

Twilight looked at me strangely. “You… you don’t?”

“Well, no, it’s not that. I know how to write. Who doesn’t,” I laughed awkwardly. “I just don’t have good… um, hoofwriting. A-and I sprained the thing the other day, you know,” I held out my right one for emphasis and wiggled it. “It’s still kinda stiff, so I can’t write much of anything…. Anyway, if you could help me fill it out I’d really appreciate it.”

She blinked rapidly. “Oh. Ohh. Of course, I would be happy to.”

Twilight came to my side, floating the parchment so that both of us would have a clear view. “Okay, first entry. Your full name?”

“Febreze.”

She looked at me, quirking an eyebrow. “Just Febreze. Nothing else?”

I shook my head and she nodded, seemingly accepting it as fact and jotting it down. Maybe it wasn’t unusual for ponies to have one name only?

“Now, where do you live?”

“Azeroth.” The way I figure, it doesn’t matter what I tell her. I can simply say it’s a place far away from here.

“Azeroth? What an unusual name, I’ve never heard of it. Where is it located?”

“Eh, somewhere west of here. Very small place.”

She seemed to take it as a given and she kept on asking a few more queries, nothing complicated, thankfully, and after that she went and pulled out a… camera? Again, WTF with this technology setting. She took my picture and the camera spat out a miniaturized version, small enough to fit into a card she pulled out from who knows where, and just like that, I found myself with a spankin’ new library card that I would be unlikely to use again.

Then, for some reason or another and to my dismay, Twilight found it appropriate to further engage me in small talk.

“So, Febreze, what do you think of Ponyville so far?”

What did I think of it? It’s a primitive, backwards, unenlightened shithole of a mud village, filled with the foul, wafting stench of horse and cattle. It is a stain, a blight in this, or any other land and it, along with you and the rest of your wretched kind should all be destroyed!

Is what I wanted to say, but something told me she wouldn’t take kindly to it, and even though I didn’t like her or had no kind of respect towards her, she was still a princess and most likely wielded power that could prove to be inconvenient should she decide to employ it against me, so I took the only other possible option available to me. That is to say, I put on a fake smile and lied through my teeth.

I gushed about how much I loved it, how much I adored the quaint, rustic feeling it exudes, how wonderful it was to see, ugh, everypony get along and just a whole bunch of things that heaped on the sweetness. Good god, I would need to do something bad or violent to rid myself of the feeling.

Hmm, come to think of it, I’d discovered a number of farms through my strolls and a couple of them had pigs as livestock. Given the ponies vegetarianism, the swine were most likely used as a form of garbage management. Either way, that chicken had been about the only taste of meat I’d been graced with for a while and the thought of succulent, tender ribs; crispy crunchy cracklins or pulled pork was mightily enticing. Yes, I’d be eating pork tonight.

I was still undecided on the subject of cows, though. They could talk like ponies, yes, but their willingness to be confined and subjugated in the same manner as cows from my world were, made them in my eyes to be an even lower form of life than the ponies. Little better than animals and with my position as the undisputed apex predator in these parts, I was well within my rights to prey on lesser beings to satisfy my hunger. Circle of life and all.

And now my mind is wandering. A necessary evil, I’m afraid, but I needed something to distract myself from the sickly sweet, saccharine bile spewing out my mouth and even though I didn’t mean any of it, this bint Twilight Sparkle was fooled, obviously liking the answer.

“I’m glad to see you like it here, Febreze,” she said with a smile. “How long will you be staying.”

“Not sure, really. I need to take care of a few things before moving on, and…”

“Yes?” She prompted.

“It’s just that… you’re a princess, right?”

She smiled bashfully and nodded.

“So, why are you here?”

“I’m not sure what you mean.”

“Why are you here, in Ponyville?”

She merely tilted her head, not knowing what I meant.

“You’re royalty, you have power, you’re superior to the average pony, so why are you not ruling some big city, with a castle and servants.”

A dawning look of comprehension dawned on her fuzzy mug. “Oh, that. You’re not the first pony who’s asked me that.” And just like that, she looked dejected.

Last thing I needed was to get royalty pissed at me, so I put on a look of regret and hastened to repair any damage. “Ah! I’m sorry, that was a stupid question. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“No, no, it’s fine,” she said quickly. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You were just curious. I can understand that. I mean… what sort of princess does that, right?” She tried to be friendly, but there was definitely an edge of bitterness in her voice. “Ponyville is my home. It’s where I met my friends and it holds a very special place in my heart,” she said wistfully. “It just wouldn’t feel right to leave my home and move somewhere else.”

“You know, I actually get what you mean.”

“So you can understand, right? There’s simply no place like home.”

No place like home. Right, at least she gets to stay home.

Proofread by the lovely Schroedingers-Katze