An empty donut box sat haphazardly on the corner of Pinkie's bed, spilling stray crumbs onto the floor. The girls' hands and faces were sticky with icing, glaze, and sprinkles. "Those...are some good donuts," Rainbow said.

Fluttershy passed around a packet of wet wipes. The girls freshened themselves up. "Okay, enough of that, let's get back to the game," Pinkie said. "Ready, Shimmy?"

Sunset groaned. "Will you stop calling me that? Sheesh." She drew a black card. "What's the new fad diet?"

Pinkie snickered. "Heheh, fad diets. They're so silly!"

"I dunno, some of us could use a fad diet after all those donuts," Rainbow said as she looked through her cards.

"Oh no," Fluttershy said, "none of mine are good for this one at all." With a sigh, she halfheartedly tossed a card onto the table. The others followed suit.

Sunset scooped up the cards, then looked through them. "Okay. Our first new fad diet is...being fat and stupid! Wait, what?"

Applejack shrugged. "Hey, it IS a fad."

Sunset shook her head. "The next one is...the miracle of childbirth?"

"That's one way to lose a lot of weight in an awful hurry," Applejack said.

"The next fad diet is..." Sunset grimaced. "Coat hanger abortions? That's just sick."

"Yeah, that's...that's not cool," Rainbow said.

Sunset sighed. "Our next one...oh, come on!" she groaned. "Seppuku? Really?"

"Wow, this is a really disturbing trend," Fluttershy said softly, hands covering her mouth.

"I'm almost afraid to look at this next one," Sunset muttered. "The last new fad diet is...the heart of a child? What the fuck?"

"I told you none of my cards fit this question," Fluttershy said.

Sunset sighed. "Fat and stupid wins this one. It's the least completely bullshit answer out there."

Applejack chuckled. "Serves y'all right for tryin' to be somethin' yer not," she said, sweeping up the black card and adding it to her pile.

Sunset sighed. "Just...Rarity, just...go already."

Once everyone had new white cards, Rarity drew a black card. "Oh dear," she said. "This card...it says draw two, pick three."

"Another lame haiku?" Rainbow groaned.

"No, it...it says blank plus blank equals blank."

"Huh. I didn't know there was a card like that," Sunset said. "Well, you heard her, everybody." She drew two more white cards.

"Blank plus blank equals blank? That's the question?" Rainbow asked.

"That's right."

The girls each drew two cards, then sorted through their hands, frowning. Once each girl had selected three cards, Rarity coughed delicately. "Very well, darlings. Lay your cards down. I'll read them in Queen order." She picked up Sunset Shimmer's three cards. She gave them a nauseated look before sourly reading them. "Anal beads plus penis breath equals wifely duties." She gave Sunset a level glare. "Really, darling."

Sunset shrugged. "Hey, those are the only three cards I have that work together in any way, shape, or form."

"Riiiiiight," Rarity drawled, shaking her head. Setting those aside, she picked up Rainbow's cards. "Spectacular abs plus man meat equals an honest cop with nothing left to lose?" She peered at Rainbow.

Rainbow shrugged. "Hell, I don't know! My cards suck for this!"

Rarity sighed. "Alright...let's see if Pinkie came up with something that makes any kind of sense." She looked at Pinkie's cards, blinked, and turned faintly green. "Oh...Pinkie...have you considered seeking professional help?"

"What's it say?" Rainbow asked eagerly.

"I'm...not even sure I want to read these," Rarity said. She looked positively nauseated. "But..." Clearing her throat, she read: "Dick fingers plus not wearing pants equals pixellated bukkake."

Sunset's cheeks bulged out, and she reached for Pinkie's wastepaper basket.

"...wow," Rainbow said, eyes wide. "That's. Uh. That's...really...creative?"

"MovingrightalongtoFluttershy'scards," Rarity said in a breathless rush. "A middle-aged man on roller skates plus a drive-by shooting equals drinking alone." She blinked. "That's...positively morbid."

"I think we all really hate this question," Fluttershy said.

Rarity sighed. "Let's...just get this over with," she said, picking up Applejack's cards. "A brain tumor plus...crippling debt...equals...child beauty pageants." She gave Applejack a half-lidded stare.

"Whut?" Applejack said plaintively. "You act like y'all ain't never heard of th' South before."

Rarity groaned, throwing Applejack's cards into the air. "Screw it. Applejack wins this round simply because, I am very sorry to say, hers actually made sense. In some sick, warped way. And because the rest of those answers needed to be drawn and quartered." She sighed. "Rainbow Dash, it's your turn."

After everyone drew new white cards, Rainbow picked up a black card. She read it and chuckled. "Okay, this one will actually be fun. Why am I sticky?"

The others laughed and looked through their cards, quickly choosing and playing cards. Rainbow swept up the small pile, shuffled it, and placed it in front of her. "I'm sticky because of...pause for dramatic effect...!" She picked up the first card, snorted, and read, "A zesty breakfast burrito."

Sunset and Rarity snickered.

"I'm also sticky because of...masturbation!" Rainbow sighed. "Yep, that had to happen. Let's see...why else am I sticky?" She picked up a third card. "Used panties. Ewww." Shaking her head, she took the fourth card. "Oh look, I'm also sticky from giving birth to a demon." She picked up the last card. "And the last reason I'm sticky iiiiiiiiiis..." She chuckled and held the card up with a flourish. "THE PLACENTA!" She shook her head. "Well, as much fun as those were, I'm gonna give the awesome point to that breakfast burrito."

"Yay!" Pinkie said, snatching the black card from Rainbow Dash. "I get a point and I'm Queen!" She grabbed the next black card from the deck. "Ready?"

"Yeah, we're ready."

"Okay...what's my secret power?"

The others laughed and chose cards to play. It took well over a minute before the final card lay before Pinkie, who shuffled them. "Alright! My secret power iiiiiiiiis...!" She flourished the first white card. "SEXUAL PEEING!" She blinked. "Wait, what?"

"Ewww!" Rainbow said, laughing and gagging at the same time.

Pinkie pulled the second card. "Menstrual rage?"

Sunset doubled over laughing, wiping tears from her eyes.

Pinkie tried a third card. "Sexting?!"

Applejack began howling with laughter and slapping her knee.

Pinkie's cheeks puffed up, her face red as a tomato. "Three dicks at the same time?!" she cried, staring at the fourth card.

Rarity and Fluttershy lost it. All of Pinkie's friends were rolling around on the floor laughing.

"Oh...oh man..." Rainbow howled. "And...and you haven't even read the best one yet!"

Pinkie looked at the last card with a half-lidded stare, groaned, and said in as flat a voice as she had ever used, "Uncontrollably guzzling cum."

That did it. Peals of raucous laughter ripped from every girl in the room. Including Pinkie.

"Oh my god!" Rainbow howled. "What's your superhero secret identity, The Pink Taco?"

Pinkie doubled over, whooping. "That's just so nasty, Rainbow!" She flicked cards all over the room. "Okay, okay...those were all pretty funny even if they were pretty mean. I think three dicks gets it because that's something I'd probably actually do." She stopped, then turned even redder. "Oh, that so did not come out right."

"Oh, they'd come out right, left, and pretty much everywhere ELSE!" Rainbow howled.

Pinkie rolled her eyes. "Who had three dicks?"

"I did, darling," Rarity said.

"You'd never know it to look at her though!" Rainbow said, throwing back her head and laughing like a hyena.

Rarity groaned. "Somebody please slap her for me. I don't think I can move right now."

"Not after all that dick!" Sunset joined in on the fun.

It was several minutes before the girls calmed down enough to sit back at the table and draw new cards. "Is it my turn again?" Fluttershy asked.

"Yepperooni!" Pinkie chirped.

"Oh...alright." Fluttershy drew a black card. "It's a fill-in-the-blank one," she said. "'But before I kill you, Ms. Do, I must show you blank.'"

"Oooh, this one is awesome," Rainbow said, studying her cards intently. The girls spent almost a full minute each before playing a card.

Fluttershy collected and shuffled the cards, then began reading them. "'But before I kill you, Ms. Do, I must show you children on leashes.'"

"Sounds pretty villainy to me!" Pinkie said.

"'But before I kill you, Ms. Do, I must show you a fetus.'"

"I'm sensing a theme here," Rainbow said.

"'But before I kill you, Ms. Do, I must show you my collection of high-tech sex toys.'"

"Kinky," Rarity purred.

"'But before I kill you, Ms. Do, I must show you an erection that lasts more than four hours.'"

"Ewww!" Rainbow cried, laughing.

"'But before I kill you, Ms. Do, I must show you puppies!'"

Everyone giggled at that one.

Fluttershy smiled. "Well, I like the puppies one," she said. "But the sex toys one...that's honestly the funniest one."

"Woo!" Rainbow cried. "See? I know what Daring wants to see!"

"Figures," Sunset snorted. Fluttershy tossed Rainbow the black card.

"Alright, mah turn," Applejack said, picking up a black card. Once everyone was ready, she read it aloud. "Whut will Ah bring back in time to convince people Ah'm a powerful wizard?"

The girls sorted through their white cards, taking their time to play the final card of the round. Once the cards were down, Applejack collected and shuffled them. "Alright, let's see what y'all got." She turned up one white card and raised an eyebrow. "Porn stars."

"That'll convince 'em you're a powerful something alright," Rainbow said.

Applejack turned over the next card and chuckled. "Cards Against Humanity." She smirked. "Heaven help us all if this game got loose in th' past." She shook her head and drew another card. "A tribe of warrior women."

"Wouldn't warrior women be kind of a past-ish thing in the first place?" Pinkie asked, tilting her head.

"Ah reckon so," Applejack said. "Let's see, what else..." She blinked. "A mime havin' a stroke?"

"Oh, that poor mime," Fluttershy said.

"An' last but not least, if Ah wanted people in th' past t' think Ah was a powerful wizard, Ah'd bring....ghosts."

"That makes total sense!" Rainbow cried.

"Ah think Ah gotta go with porn stars. Who had th' porn stars?"

Fluttershy raised her hand, blushing.

"Hurricane Fluttershy strikes AGAIN!" Rainbow cried. "This is insane!"

Sunset Shimmer chuckled. "Okay, that takes us to the halfway point of the game. With five rounds to go, Fluttershy's in first place by one point."

"Yaaaay."

"Also, I'm pretty sure we're all going to hell." Sunset stretched. "Let's take a little break, then start the second half."

"Oooh, if it's halftime, I've got cheerleader outfits!" Pinkie said.

Author's Notes:

CURRENT SCORE:

Sunset Shimmer: 3
Rarity: 3
Rainbow Dash: 5
Pinkie Pie: 4
Fluttershy: 8
Applejack: 7