Rainbow and I sighed in unison as the door closed behind the last of the workers for the day.  We stared at the hole that still gaped in the wall of my house after two weeks, the remainder of work to be completed now covered over with a large plastic sheet.

“Well, it’s better than nothing,” Rainbow said with an almost apologetic shrug.

I hmmphed.  “It’ll have to do,” I replied.  “I don’t see you offering me your couch anytime soon, unfortunately.”

“Yeah, you’d have to lose a lot of weight for that to work,” she agreed.

I kicked back and fell flat onto my couch, bouncing lightly.  “At least that damned hammering has stopped for the night.”

“Has it?” Rainbow quipped, shoving my legs to the side as she claimed her corner of the couch and laid down, tucking her legs up under her stomach comfortably.  “I’m pretty sure I can still hear it.  I think I might always hear it from now on.”

I grunted and kicked my legs back up, resting them on her back.  She rolled her eyes, but smirked anyway.

I blew a long breath out between my lips noisily.  “At least it’s not winter.”

“At least, yeah.”

“That would be most unfortunate, yes.”

I wasn’t even surprised, somehow.  I let my head loll to the side to see Luna, her typical bedroom setting behind her on the TV.  “Thank you for fixing that static,” I said flatly.  “But I’d still prefer it if you knocked or something.”

Luna sulked, her ears falling slightly as she realized her surprise had been wasted on us.

“You got a story for us?” Rainbow asked, perking up slightly.

“I do indeed.”

Even as tired and discouraged as I was over the work on my home going so slowly, I still felt something inside of me leap at the prospect of another chance to fulfil my purpose.  “Oh, tell me it’s bad...”

“It’s bad,” Luna smirked.  “And not that dismal, gloomy sort of bad that I’ve been giving to you both, either.  This story is simple, pure badness.  It’s your favorite, Matt.”

I levered myself up slightly onto my elbows.  “Alicorn OC?”

“Indeed.”

My eyes got slightly wider.  “Self-insert?”

“Quite.”

I jumped up, swinging my legs back to the floor as Rainbow ducked.  Thankfully, I’d only clocked her once doing that so far, and she had quick reflexes.

“Sweet!” I yelled happily.  “Let’s rip it apart!”

Rainbow smirked.  “Okay, this I gotta see.”

Luna grinned.  “Incoming...”

The yellow light on the wall started flashing as always.  I threw a pillow at it, which did very little, but did make me feel pretty good for hitting it.

“WE GOT STORY SIGN!”

Matt: Oh, is that really his name?  This is going to be amazing.

I have been asked to give an account of my life before becoming the Alicorn known as Dangersignal.

Rainbow: Okay, stop.  One sentence in and I’m already calling BS on this story.  No one asked for this.

The short version is that the universe used me as a punching bag. The long version is as follows.

Matt: I liked the short version just fine, thanks.

Rainbow: Doesn’t exactly make the minimum word limit, though, does it?

Matt: You’re assuming that this needed to be published at all.

I was born on Hearthswarming Eve, in the Crystal Empire, long before Sombra ever took over and became Dictator.

Rainbow: Man, that’s the worst.  You never get to feel like you have your own special day when your birthday is on Hearth’s Warming.

Matt: Which is two words.

Most anyone who knows anything about the Crystal Empire sees them as kindhearted souls who wouldn’t harm a little horsefly. Oh boy have you got your heads in the clouds.

Matt: Maybe I’m weird, but I saw them as brutally slaughtered and kept as horrifically mistreated slaves, so maybe they could be forgiven for being slightly flat, emotionally.

Rainbow: Well, this was long before that.  Maybe they were all assholes and totally deserved it.

When I was nothing more than a young filly, many of the early residents were straight up bullies, some going as far as to blackmail others who didn’t raise anyone who was of their “kind”.

Rainbow: Their “kind”?  Crystal ponies?

Matt: Other bullies?

School was worse than anything,

Matt: I hear ya, sister.

mainly because the professors refused to do anything about my bullying problems,

Rainbow: Your school as a filly had professors?  That’s some private school business right there.

Matt: Dude, their tuition must be ridiculous if primary and secondary schoolteachers are that overqualified.

which lead to depression and thoughts that aren’t fit to be told here.

Matt: Well, if it wasn’t for people like this, Linkin Park wouldn’t have had a career.  So I guess at least they have that going for them, which is nice.

Some time later, my younger brother was born, as an unicorn, whilst I was a Pegasus.

Rainbow: That would have been nice to know earlier.

Matt: She implied that she was picked on because of what type of pony she was, but refused to tell us until now what type she actually was.

He and I became close

Rainbow: Dont you even—

Matt: *snorts*  I know, I know, not that kind of story...

and by the time he was able to start Canterlot schooling, I was finished with Canterlot schools

Rainbow: She’s so finished with Canterlot schools.  Just done with it.

Matt: So over it, she can’t even.

and had moved to Cloudsdale to go to school to learn how to handle weather.

Matt: That makes sense, I suppose.

That lasted only one day, then I got kicked out for “being too good” (in other words, I was kicked out because I didn’t belong with Pegasi, despite me being a Pegasus).

Rainbow: Aaand, there’s the sentence that counters the sense-making.

Matt: Wow, this is some textbook Mary Sue-ing going on right here, people.

While I was trying to find my calling in life, my parents gave birth to a girl, and an earth pony,

Matt: Which just threw off the whole thing.

which completed the triad of ponies in Equestria.

Rainbow: Okay, I know you’re weirdly obsessive about these sorts of things, so what are the odds of that?

Matt: It’s hard to say without knowing what both parents were and their heritages, but I can make a rough approximation.  If both parents are Earth Ponies, then the chance is no better than about one-tenth of one percent.  If they’re not, then about one percent.  I suppose it’s almost inevitable that it’s happened somewhere in Equestria.

However, things weren’t all sunshine and smiles with my youngest sibling and the parents. My sister had some kind of rare disease, and it seemed to be whittling away her life.

Matt: Ooh, “whittling”.  Can’t you just feel the angst building?

It was agreed that they’d go to Canterlot to see if the hospitals could save her life.

Rainbow: Pretty sure the doctors inside the hospitals are the key.

I had wanted to go, but was summoned, by special delivery letter, to go see Princess Celestia.

Matt: Those commas make this sentence seem like it’s out of breath.

Rainbow: She should work on improving her stamina if she doesn’t want to be embarrassed meeting the Princess.

She had heard about my situation with my family and wanted to see if I was capable of being one of her prestigious Elite Guards.

Matt and Rainbow: *shake their heads*

Matt: Did we miss something?  This story just took a weird left turn.

Rainbow: Is the “Elite Guards” a code phrase for “charity”, or is there something about angsty teenaged ponies that makes better guards?

Matt: Maybe it’s like how MI6 and the CIA love recruiting orphans or something.  Still nonsense, of course.

My brother was also summoned to be inspected by Princess Luna for the same purpose.

Rainbow: I guess he was a pony that existed, sure, why not.

Matt: The “because reasons” are strong in this one.

Normal ponies would jump at the chance to be one of Luna and Celestia’s Elite Guard, but not me.

Matt: “I was too angsty, unique, and Anti-Sue to simply fall into that old cliche.”

‘This will make me way too perfect,’ I thought. ‘No-one will ever speak to me again.’

Matt and Rainbow: *snort with laughter*

Rainbow: Most ponies have to do something first in order to be seen as perfect.

Matt: Welp, that’s quite a few checks off the Wall-O-Sue List™.

That statement was true.

Rainbow: Oh, well then, I guess if the story says so, then it’s indisputable.

Most of my family were dead by this point,

Matt: Due to the aforementioned “because reasons”.

Rainbow: Well, if everything ever didn’t go wrong for our protagonist, then she wouldn’t qualify for Anti-Sue status.

but me and one uncle were not on “pleasant” speaking terms.

Matt: “He never gave back that lawn mower before my parents were plot-murdered.  I swore he would pay.”

If I were chosen, then he and I would burn bridges, finally ending that painful relationship.

Rainbow: Chosen?  For what, the Hunger Games?

Matt: I’d volunteer as tribute if it meant not needing to read bad fanfics anymore.

Rainbow: Well, either way, I’m glad the story took the time to add in that pointless bit of narrative aside.  Otherwise I’d have never known that she had an uncle who was completely inconsequential to the plot!

That was the only pleasing thought that entered my mind as Princess Celestia walked around, eyeing me, complementing and even praising me for my “snap to attention” appearance.

Matt: Bow-chicka?

Rainbow: Meh, whatever.  Go for it.

Matt: BOW-CHICKA-BOW WOW!

I was hoping that my brother was faring much better.

Rainbow: Much... better?

Matt: Better than being praised by your nation’s sovereign ruler?

Rainbow: This character could win the lottery, while being buried under adorable kittens and puppies, while saving the known world from a bomb and narrating her best-selling autobiography, and she’d still find a way to moan about it and make it negative.

Time passed slower than anything. When Celestia was finished with her inspection, she told me to go to the guest room in the castle and relax.

Matt: “I had to ask somepony how to do that, though.”

Rainbow: “I relaxed once.  It was awful.”

It was comfortable, I’ll admit that, but I was starting to worry about my family and how they were fairing.

Rainbow: Is this the 90% dead family?  Yeah, I bet they’re fine.

Matt: Maybe they were all at the State Fair or something.  Because otherwise, she’d wonder about how they were faring.

As I was starting to turn towards the window to stargaze,

Matt: Wait, so it’s night all of a sudden?  I’m getting whiplash from this story.

which kept me calm, the door opened and there stood my younger brother, smiling.

Rainbow: How dare he smile!  Doesn’t he know the world is wretched and miserable?!

“Hey there,” he said. “I’ve got great news! I’m to be one of Luna’s guards, and work in rotation with someone on Celestia’s guard, but they don’t know who yet.”

Matt: Gee, I just wonder...

Rainbow: *sighs*

I smiled at him and chuckled.

Matt: Of course that is the thing that seems OOC to me.

I then noticed a Cutie Mark on his flanks-A dragon surrounded by a flame aura.

Rainbow: He literally lived for his entire childhood without a cutie mark?  Yeesh, maybe the Crusaders do have something to worry about.

He grinned at me.

“I found my specialty-fire spells,” he said.

Matt: “They were under the couch!”

“Found it while you were being inspected by Celestia. Since our parents never gave either of us a name, I decided to take up the name “Dragonstorm” to match my Cutie Mark.”

Rainbow: *snorts and chokes, falling over the side of the couch, coughing and laughing*

Matt: You have got to be kidding me.  Who the hell doesn’t name their freaking children?  Maybe nopony liked our hero in school because she didn’t have a cutie mark or a freaking name!

Rainbow: And that’s the name he picks?  It’s like letting a five-year-old name themselves.

Matt: Did the name come with tribal tattoos and a douchey fauxhawk, or is that optional to add later on?

I smiled and the two of us sat down and stargazed for several minutes. Once we had finished, the two of us turned and were preparing for bed, with Dragonstorm taking the bed and me taking the floor

Matt: What a noble brother he is, putting his sister on the freaking floor for the night.  Not even a couch.

when there came a knock at the door.

Rainbow: What a forward knock, just coming up to your door like that.

“Come in,” Dragonstorm said.

Princess Celestia came in and looked at me. She had a gleam in her eye that I didn’t know at all.

Rainbow: Well, to be fair, you only met her an hour ago.

Matt: That gleam came from the fact that after Celestia heard what name her brother chose for himself, she laughed herself to orgasm.

“After some deliberation with my sister, we agreed that you would be great to work in guard rotation with your younger brother,” she said.

Matt: Because that makes sense.  Militaries love to put siblings in the same unit.

Rainbow: Who cares?  It’s not like they have any next-of-kin to notify if something happens.

“Luna would like you to take up night duties tomorrow night.

Rainbow: I’ve heard of on-the-job training, but never for a soldier.

Matt: I can’t wait for the first time they have to use a grenade.  That would be hilarious.

As for your younger brother, I will request his appearance in the main hall.”

“Yes, M’Lady,” we said.

Matt: Because a “lady” is a thing that exists in Equestria shut up.

Rainbow: Maybe it’s a contracted form of “malady”, and they’re saying that Celestia makes them sick?

“You best get some sleep, both of you,” she said.

We agreed and settled down to sleep. My mind drifted off to the thought of being one of the Princess’s Elite guards. I didn’t know what Dragonstorm was dreaming of, but he was snoring contentedly.

Matt: The bastard.

Rainbow: Bet that bed was comfortable.  Hope you sleep well.  I’ll just be here on the floor, shivering!

When first light came, Dragonstorm was out the door and trotting to the main hall, where he was to meet Celestia and accept official duty.

Rainbow: Unfortunately, he was disqualified from the race.

Matt: Everypony knows you have to wait for the fourth light before you start the race.  It’s red, red, red, then green.

I sleep for another twenty minutes before I yawned around and finally woke up.

Matt and Rainbow: HOW DID I USING TENSE?

Once I had cleaned myself up,

Rainbow: That floor was hella dusty.

I headed off to the headquarters of Celestia and Luna’s guard units. It was there, that I would receive my orders and my armor.

‘At last!’ I thought. ‘Proper work at last!’

Matt: Okay, so, I’m figuring at least eighteen years old, no name, no cutie mark, and no JOB up to now.  I can see why she thinks that she’s perfect.

Rainbow: *eyerolls*

I wasn’t like most ponies, who preferred to take things easy. I had an incurable itch to be busy

Rainbow: Well, this is news to us.  Yet again, we haven’t seen this pony do anything aside from sitting and stargazing out of a window.  That’s literally the only thing she’s done so far.

and often times that got me bullied about and even laughed at, saying that I was way too crazy for this world.

Matt: Where the hell does she live that a pony who likes to work is seen as insane?

Rainbow: I’ve seen a World of Cardboard before, but a World of Strawmen is a new trick to me.

I would do my best to ignore them, but it started to be picked up by that one “uncle” who I hated.

Matt: Holy crap, he’s back!  I’m stunned!

When the news was told to him, he finally left, saying I was nothing.

Rainbow: ...

Matt: ...

Matt and Rainbow: WHAT?!

Several days later, he was found, in a ravine, dead.

Rainbow: *snorts* Of course he was.

He had been in such a temper that he lost his footing and being an Earth Pony, he had no spells or wings to save him.

Matt: *doubles over laughing*  I can’t even.  This freaking story.

Rainbow: I know right?  Let’s sum up:  A pegasus filly who never did anything and yet apparently still has a burning need to be busy disappoints her uncle so much by not being lazy that he forgets how to walk and dies in a hole, has almost all of her family die offscreen, and gets accepted into Celestia’s guard corps because she’s an orphan.

Matt: It’s just so... awful!

Me and my brother didn’t shed any tears, seeing as that “uncle” never talked with my younger brother and was nasty to me.

Rainbow: Convenient excuse is convenient.

With him gone, we could focus on our jobs.

Matt: That we got because of reasons.

However, we weren’t through with shocks and blows.

Rainbow: That really just sounds like the worst, kinkiest weekend ever.

Matt: Isn’t that supposed to be my line?

Rainbow: Yeah, well, I can’t let you have all the fun if the story’s gonna be this bad.

Three days later, me and Dragonstorm were summoned to Princess Luna’s chambers.

Matt: For reference, apparently her name is “me”.

For her to summon us herself was unusual, seeing as she had plenty of messengers, but for her to summon us to her quarters alone was out of the ordinary.

Rainbow: They would know this, having been employed at the palace for all of eight hours.

“What did we do?” Dragonstorm asked me.

“I don’t know,” I replied.

I knocked on the door.

“Come,” came the reply.

Matt: That... is a gloriously bad line.  It might just be the most spectacularly awful thing I’ve ever read.  It’s practically meta.

I gently pushed open the door and Luna stood, tears in her eyes. I glanced around, no Celestia.

Rainbow: Homicide, I’m calling it.

Confusion mounted like trash in the landfill until Luna spoke.

Matt: This isn’t a trollfic, right?  These similes aren’t intentional, right?  Right?

“It’s about your parents and baby sister,” she said, wiping tears. “They’re…dead.”

Rainbow: Weren’t they already dead before?  Or was that some other “most of my family” who were already dead?

Matt: Make up your freaking mind, story.

Nobody said anything. Silence and pain made themselves known.

Rainbow: Probably by walking up and telling each character in sequence that they were supposed to be sad.

Dragonstorm buried his face under my chin and began to cry. Luna was losing a battle of holding her tears back. I simply stood, rooted to the spot. It took me several minutes to find my voice.

Matt: “I’m gettin’ too old for this shit...”

“What happened?” I asked.

Matt: “The author decided that your life wasn’t stupidly, implausibly sad enough, but he can’t write actual conflict or drama, so this is what you get.”

Rainbow: Deal with it, yo.

“Their train ran into a landslide. Their coach was completely crushed and there were no survivors from the accident,” she said. “Celestia has gone to inspect the scene.”

Rainbow: Speaking of which, why is Luna sad?  She’s known these ponies for all of eight or nine hours in one’s case, and about four minutes for the other one.  And I don’t believe for a second that this is the first time she’s had to tell a pony this news in the last few thousand years.

Matt: Seriously.  How about a little professional detachment, eh, Luna?  We know the nameless protagonist is a walking Sue-shaped box of cliches, but could you not reinforce the notion at least?

I nodded, then listening to my brother’s sorrow, I turned to Luna.

“May I request some time off?” I asked. “To help comfort my brother and see him through this whole ordeal?”

“I can grant that,” she said. “You two are going to need each other right now.”

Matt: Why the hell not?  I mean, it’s only your first freaking day on the job, why wouldn’t you need time away?  You wanna schedule some vacation next week while you’re at it?

Rainbow: But, how will she survive without working constantly?

Matt: I’m guessing the same way she did for the last twenty years or so.

I thanked her again and lead my brother to our room, where he was placed on the bed. I stayed with him, letting him cry on my shoulder. I didn’t let it bother me on the outside, but I was completely torn up on the inside.

Rainbow: Crying is too mainstream for Nonconformitist Pony.

I waited until he was done and after speaking softly to him, I let him go to bed and I decided to go out and stargaze on a hill near the castle.

Matt: Good, good, that “need to stay busy” is really helping you along.

Sitting under a tree, I looked up and sighed. I had been hoping for the best and instead I got the worst.

Rainbow: You wouldn’t know the “best” if it kicked you in the snout, you navel-gazing pile of simpering emo.

I let my head drop down, as the night air wasn’t clearing my head. Slowly climbing to my feet, I saw Luna coming towards me.

“Clearing your head?” she asked.

Matt: Did you read the previous sentence?  Can you see the Matrix?  Are—are you GOD?!

I nodded. She stopped and sat down, then beckoned with one of her wings for me to do the same. I did so and she looked at me.

Rainbow: I know stuff should seem like it’s happening here, but all I can think of is that stupid emo fic we did where Twilight takes forever to die.  “Luna sat down.  She told me to sit down.  I sat down.”

Matt: It’s either a lesson on conjugation, or the writer hasn’t made it beyond “See Dick Run” yet in school.

“I want you to remember something,” she told me. “Your family who cared for you maybe gone physically, but they’re with you in your heart.”

Matt: Convenient, because they were never there in physical form at all.  Literally, we know nothing about them other than they used to exist, sorta.

I smiled faintly, but I started to feel my position in the family now. Being the oldest meant that I had to not only look after myself, but I had to look after my younger brother and make sure that everything was up to scratch. The responsibility overload began to show and Luna encouraged me to take things slowly.

Rainbow: No you don’t, the plot will conveniently allow you to never experience these things unless he wants you to look pitiful and distressed.

Matt: That’s disturbing when you put it that way, but I can’t exactly dispute it.

“You’re under a lot of stress and pain from the news of your family’s tragic death,” she said. “I still want you to take it easy for another few days.

Matt: You’ve just been working way too hard.  I mean, first you stood there and let Celestia look at you and apparently make passes at you, and then you went to sleep!  Stop and think about yourself for a change!

From there, I’m going to tell my sister to have you put on light duties. As you recover, bit by bit, we’ll move you both into full time rotational duties.”

Rainbow: The first thing in this story that’s been logical!

I agreed and we walked back to the castle, where we parted ways. Dragonstorm was sleeping, but his cheeks were redder than his bright red coat.

Matt: How?  Was he on fire?  Did he swallow a flashlight?  Is he genetically part ambulance siren?

I could still sense the pain lingering over him like a mighty weapon of destruction.

Rainbow: Weapons of mass destruction linger over people?

Matt: Why do I get the idea this writer just loved Final Fantasy 13?

Being the caring big brother that I was,

Matt: Woah, woah, woah, back that train up.  Did this character just change freaking gender?

Rainbow: That’s not even a “he/she” error, either, that’s a full-on fuckup.

I gingerly moved him with my magic, climbed into bed and let him curl up next to me. Being a big brother wasn’t all serious, it had it’s tender moments tied to it as well.

Rainbow: If only we’d seen some of that tenderness LAST night when you spent the night on the freaking floor!

Days passed and the wounds were healing, but it was still going to be a long process.

Matt: Clever.  A competent author might have shown us that sort of healing happening, but that’s awfully mainstream.

As we showed signs of making headway, we were placed on light duties. Dragonstorm worked along Thestrals while I worked along side other Unicorns, Pegasi and Earth Ponies.

Rainbow: Other... how?  That wording seems to imply that Me isn’t a pegasus.

My superiors were  Staff Sergeant Blazewinds and Lance Corporal Ice Blade. Both were rather nasty to me, because I was a simple Unicorn with a memory that makes all filing systems look outdated.

Matt: Okay, so now he/she isn’t a pegasus?  What the actual fuck, man?

Rainbow: And is that another new power with no precedent that exists solely to make the protagonist look good compared to everypony else in the story?  I think it is!

Matt: The Wall-O-Sue™ is more checkmarks than white space at this point.

They did anything to just mess me over.

Matt: Because the Anti-Sue must always have a reason to be angsty and whiny!

Skipping my promotions, putting me on all odd duties, giving me days off that I didn’t need. You name it, they did it. I took it in stride and learned to live with it.

Rainbow: Of course, he cried him-or-herself to sleep every night while fantasizing about cutting, but that technically qualifies as “living with it”.

According to some local gossip, Dragonstorm was making friends with Princess Luna’s guards, which are Thestrals.

Matt: Which is a thing that means something shut up.

To me, that was a surprise, mainly because Thestrals were uptight and had a tendency to be rather closed off to outsiders.

Rainbow: I think our protagonist is just making crap up, not just the author.  This is the most unreliable narrator I’ve ever seen.

Then again, he was more outgoing and willing to make friends than I was.

Matt: Making friends would get in the way of his “My Chemical Romance Time”.

All my time in the Canterlot schools built up a brick wall exoskeleton, with no cracks.

Rainbow: This guy’s metaphorical emo bangs reach to the floor, dude.

When I worked night shifts, I was approached by some Thestrals, one of which was easy going.

Matt: Which, we remind you, was weird because they’re all pricks.

One thing about him was that he tended to choose his words carefully and it started with him and I going out to the local doughnut joint in Canterlot when on break and he’d break down my walls while we ate doughnuts and drank cocoa.

Rainbow: Dear.  Celestia.  What in Equestria is that monstrosity of a sentence?

Matt: I’m really hoping that “he’d break down my walls” is a euphemism, because otherwise this is just freakin’ boring.

One bitterly cold night, a few days before Heartswarming Eve, he and I were at the local doughnut joint. We had the night off and I decided to repay his kindness by buying the doughnuts and cocoa.

“I wanted to ask you something rather personal,” the Thestral said. “If you don’t mind?”

“Go ahead,” I said.

“What were your parent’s like?” he asked.

Matt: My parent’s what?  Their clothes?

Rainbow: Their eyes?

Matt: Their bank accounts?

Rainbow: Their hideous screaming death?

I took a deep breath and after hiding the pain,

Matt: My God, he’s like Batman.  Except somehow less interesting in every way.

Rainbow: All he ever does is hide pain.  He’s so good at it that we can’t see any evidence of pain in his life whatsoever!

I explained at how they were the sweetest pair of ponies that anypony could have ever asked for.

Rainbow: Offscreen, of course.

“Now, I want to ask you why you refuse to show pain and let other ponies help you? Friends are the best healing method I know of,” the Thestral said.

Matt: “But Papa Roach taught me that it’s not cool to heal!”

“Well, given how cruelly I was treated when I was in the Canterlot School System

Matt: Anecdotally.

and how many of the residents of the Crystal Empire treated me and my younger brother,

Rainbow: Allegedly.

seeing as we’re not crystal ponies, I decided that having friends would be a bigger burden than it was worth,” came the reply.

Rainbow: You know, we really only have Me’s word that any of this actually happened, and given how he described himself as a FILLY and a PEGASUS earlier on, I’m not inclined to believe that any of it is true.

He nodded gravely, then said that I should attempt to make friends. This was something that I didn’t want to do, but I figured that if I made friends, then maybe things would look up.

Matt: Lolnope.  NO LAUGHS NOW, ONLY TEARS.

Of course, the two of us had hit it off and became good friends. He introduced himself as Battery Sergeant Major Shaydefire.

Rainbow: Just how many freaking ranks are there in this army?

I introduced myself as Peon n No-Name, seeing as I was never given a name.

Matt: Are you fucking kidding me?  That’s seriously the best you could do?

Rainbow: How about Sir Whiny Bitchpants?

Matt: Useless Von Crybaby?

Rainbow: Emo McEmoEmo?

Matt: He’s the emo-est!

From there, things were looking up. I was given the unofficial name of “Dipper” as he noticed my tendency to “dip” into other duties.

Matt: Okay, that has got to be a euphemism.

Rainbow: Why does everything in this story happen offscreen with no explanation?!

However, things were also crashing down around me.

Matt: Really?  You sure about that?  I’m just not sure I can accept such an unforeseen twist!

Rainbow: Seriously, who could have seen this coming?

My two superior officers when I was on guard duties for Celestia kept giving me the unpleasant duties and would pass me up for promotion, promoting guys who couldn’t find the broadside of a barn if they were locked inside.

Rainbow: No reasons given, of course.

Matt: With just a little reading between the lines, I can guess that it’s because he keeps not doing his job and wasting time with other ponies’ jobs.  You know, because he has to stay busy and all that.

Rainbow: Or maybe because he was recruited for a job with absolutely no practical or demonstrable skills or talents?  Or even a motherbucking name?

The newly promoted dim bulbs loved to get physical and assault me, while the superiors looked the other way.

Matt: Wow.  Even in the Bible, Job didn’t have it as bad as this guy.  I’ve read plenty of implausible stuff in my day, but this not only takes the cake, it shoplifts an entire bakery.

‘If they’re happy, why stop?’ I thought one night, after being so warmly bashed about for doing my duties.

Rainbow: Why... stop...  Is he suggesting that he should let them beat him up because it makes them happy?!

Matt: Wow.  I think I would actually like to show this author something that’s really worth being mopey about.  I’m sure suburbia’s plenty rough, man, but he’s got more than a few things to learn about life.

Shaydefire decided enough was enough and after my brother came back with his front left leg broken, he decided that a deputation was necessary.

Matt: His brother now?  What the hell?  Did he make the mistake of telling them the stupid name he picked out for himself?

After telling me and my brother to take the night off, he was gone for some hours.

“Do you think we’ll be fine in this kind of environment?” Dragonstorm asked me. “Constantly being battered about?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I really don’t know.”

Rainbow: I’m kind of hoping it doesn’t change.  I’m starting to agree that they might deserve it.

Matt: An author can only expect the audience to accept so much in a character before they just give up and say “You know what?  I’m with the antagonists now.  Fuck this dude.”

It tore me up having to say that, as I always had the answer to any problem and could make it better,

Matt: Ah, there’s that offscreen perfection we keep hearing so much about.

but this blocked me at the start line. As I was thinking of a way around the blockage, Shaydefire returned and was beaming.

Rainbow: You should flash your brights at him, get him to turn those things down.

“Princess Luna and Princess Celestia are coming here to see you both,” he said, beaming.

Matt: Again.  Unnecessarily.

“I take it something good is coming our way?” Dragonstorm asked him.

Rainbow: Death, if there’s any mercy for us.

I was reading the Thestral’s face and he was hiding nothing. I smiled in reply and thanked him. He stood by the door and waited. Soon, the two princesses appeared and after Luna healed Dragonstorm’s leg, she and Celestia looked at us and asked us to explain everything, which we did.

Matt: Wow.  Thank God there’s no chance of any sort of suspense, intrigue, interest, engagement, drama, or subtlety here, or else I might actually start to pay attention to this story!

Rainbow: Yeah, we really dodged a bullet there.

“So, I hired disreputable guards to be your superiors?” Celestia asked, her brows lowering darkly. “Luna, time we showed these “superiors” who’s in charge!”

Rainbow: Wow.  Nice to know that the bullies work for an even bigger bully.

Luna agreed and the two left. I didn’t like the sound of that at all. Given Celestia’s banishment policy, I was prepared to see them banished. Instead of seeing them banished, we got to make them angry.

Matt: What, did you poke them with sticks?  I’m sure they were never angry before while they beat the living hell out of you, so this seems like a great solution to me.

The day before Hearthswarming Eve,

Rainbow: I think this is the only day that exists in the author’s world.  It’s like Groundhog Day, except that instead of chuckling at Bill Murray, I want to die.

Luna summoned us to the conference room. When we entered, there were the guards and superior officers. Celestia was glaring around the room, and after I shut the door, she tore into the superior officers and the guards for poor conduct and disrespect.

Matt: Blood went everywhere.

“I will grant you one more chance,” she hissed. “Blow it this time and say hello to the moon for two thousand years!”

Rainbow: What, were the previous few years not enough of a pattern of behavior for you, Tia?

That scared them stiff.

Matt: BOW-CHICKA—

Rainbow: Oh, give it up.

Luna then turned to me and my brother. She was smiling broadly and passed both of us a sly wink.

“Ready?” she asked.

“Ready for what?” I quizzed.

“Ready to make up for your missed ranks?” she asked.

Rainbow: It’s widely recognized that there’s no one in the entire kingdom as rank as you two!

“Please,” me and Dragonstorm chorused.

She had us close our eyes and wait a few minutes.

Matt: Oh, this just seems like it’s going to be dirty.  Or cruel.  One or the other.

Soon, she ordered us to open them. I looked up and noticed a horn, similar in fashion to a Unicorn, but I could still feel and even see my wings. My brother gained wings, while he still had his horn.

“We’re now Alicorns?” I asked.

Rainbow: *falls off the couch laughing*

Matt: *pounds on the arm of the chair in laughter*

Rainbow: BWAHAHAHAHA!  Oh, no, oh jeez...

Matt: Sure, Twilight took most of a season of searching, but these two get ascended to Godhood simply by getting the hell beat out of them!  Whoo...

Rainbow: Worst.  Deities.  EVER.

Matt: Pussitas, Roman god of getting the crap kicked out of him!

“Yes,” Luna said. “It should make up for your ranks and hopefully give you both a new outlook on being in the guard.”

We thanked them both and smiled sweetly at the seething superior officers.

Matt: I can’t wait to see a pair of alicorns get the hell beat out of them in the next scene.

Shaydefire came and to congratulate us on making up lost ranks, we went for doughnuts and cocoa.

Rainbow: The weeaboo!  It’s over NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAAAAND!

He was smiling, feeling pleased with himself. I thanked him for all that he did, even going against superior officers.

“Breach of rules is not a good thing,” he said. “Anyone who breaches the rules deserves full punishment.”

Matt: But what if the rules are breech-loaders?  You have to clear them whenever you enter a building to avoid accidents!

I agreed and we ate our doughnuts and drank our cocoa in contented peace. When we returned, we found that we were now in charge of the Elite guard while our superior officers were on leave.

Rainbow: That’s code for “they quit rather than serve under the world’s wimpiest ponies”.

I was in charge of Celestia’s Elite Guard while Dragonstorm was in charge of Luna’s Elite Guard. With us in charge, we ran them efficiently and made sure that everything was to regulation.

Matt: Despite having no experience and not having done anything in the guard to date that would demonstrate any level of competence.

From there, I gained a reputation for being a rules heavy leader,

Rainbow: He just kept eating rules all the time, gained a ton of weight.

which made me a lot of friends and enemies. That lead to many things, including my time protecting the Crystal Empire (For the basics, check out “Upgrading the Railway Network) and that lead to me getting a Grand Galloping Gala night off.

Matt: Holy hell, did he seriously just plug his own work parenthetically in first-person narrative?

Rainbow: Has this author ever read a book before?

Matt: Man, if you thought this was painful and too long, I can only imagine what agonies await in that thing.

It was there, after being cleaned up (including trimming my non existent mane)

Rainbow: He has no mane, but it still got trimmed?  How do you even?

and putting on a tuxedo, making me look sharp that I met her.

Matt: Oh, Harmony, no.  Of course.

A cyan colored Pegasus with a rainbow mane and tail named Rainbow Dash, who was fawning over the Wonderbolts, who I thought were nothing more than show-offs and useless as protectors and heroes.

Rainbow: Oh, I want to throw up.  How the hoof did I end up in this piece of cowflop?

Matt: And, of course, the best fliers in Equestria are hacks and weaklings according to the protagonist!  Why wouldn’t we take his word, other than the fact that he has no abilities and gets beaten up by everyone?

Of course, I was rather nervous.

Matt: You should be.  My girl Rainbow could beat the stuffing out of you with one hoof.

Rainbow: *chuckles*

Me and a girl, having a pleasant chat was something I was not used to, but Luna took care of that by asking Rainbow Dash to follow her over to me. She was also looking nervous, but after we looked in each other’s eyes, we began to chat like old friends, and even strolled through the garden, with the moon and stars dancing like ballroom couples.

Rainbow: So... the world’s falling out of orbit?  Why are the moon and stars wobbling around the sky?

“You…look…handsome,” Rainbow Dash forced out, blushing and trying to hide it.

Matt: It wasn’t because she was embarrassed, it was because she threw up in her mouth slightly as she tried to say it out loud.

“You…also…look…stunning,” I replied in kind.

Of course, from there, we began to get to know each other and one thing lead to another and we fell in love.

Rainbow: Wow, I think this guy/girl might just qualify for Black Hole Sue status.

Matt: There’s plenty to make that argument, yes.

From here on out, my chronicler will detail everything about my present life.

Matt: How many laws did that poor pony break to deserve that punishment?

Please, feel free to ask me anything.

Rainbow: What the hell is wrong with you?

Matt: Will you please die?

Dangersignal.

Matt: I still prefer Useless Von Crybaby.

As the fic faded away, I sat, rubbing my eyes with my fingers and moaning in anguish.  I was reasonably sure that I would hit the back of my skull before the pain went away.

Rainbow, on the other hoof, had collapsed bonelessly, exhausted after suffering through that ordeal.  She flopped onto the couch at length, her head dropping into my lap as she stared blankly at the ceiling.

“So,” Luna chirped brightly enough to be annoying, “that was a thing.”

“I’m not even sure about that,” I replied.  “I’ve seen a lot of bad fiction in my time, but I think I can count on my hands the number of times I’d recommend that an author just give up and never, ever try writing again.”

“Yeah, this qualifies,” Rainbow agreed.

Luna smirked.  “Well, you should both know that you took down quite a large opponent today.  That fiction was influencing Equestrian citizens on a level that no other story to date has done, and you defeated it—together.”

I looked down at the rainbow-maned pegasus and smiled.  “Yeah, we did okay as a team.”

She looked up and gave me an amused snort.  “Pffft.  I’d say we were better than just okay.”

“Alright, fair enough, you’re right.  We’re freaking amazing together.”

Luna practically beamed from the television.  “I couldn’t have said it better myself.”

-fin-

Next Chapter: [08] End of the Rainbow (clop [anal]) Estimated time remaining: 2 Hours, 17 Minutes