I was about halfway through building the courtyard wall for my Minecraft castle when Rainbow knocked on my door and walked in.

"Wow, it feels good to be back," she said.  "'Sup, Matt?"

I paused the game and jumped up.  "Dash!  Welcome back!" I said, holding my fist out for a hoofbump.  "I missed you, girl.  Things have been pretty damn dull around here without you."

She bumped my hoof and rolled her shoulders, like she was trying to work out some soreness.  "No, you want boring, try being laid up for a few weeks.  I'm sore just from flying here.  I haven't gotten to stretch my wings in weeks."

I nodded sympathetically.  "Yeah, it sounded like you took quite a hit.  I can't imagine that was fun."

She snorted.  "To put it lightly, yeah.  I've never sat in one place for so long!  It was awful."  Rainbow ruffled her feathers and shook her mane out of her face.  "On a cooler note, though, Princess Luna sent me a present.  She gave me my own laptop like yours!"

"Oh, sweet!  At least you had that to pass the time."

Dash nodded.  "Yeah, I did.  I think I saw just about everything.  I read TV Tropes, watched Lets Play videos, and saw more memes than I ever thought could exist.  Why are there so many cats online?"

I laughed.  "If anyone knew, he would instantly be crowned king of the internet."

Rainbow Dash shook her head and slumped onto the couch, preening her feathers absently.  I was so used to the TV suddenly clicking on that I didn't even jump when it happened now, though I still wasn't prepared for what waited on the screen.

“GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD MORNING, EQUESTRIA!”

Dash and I both just stared blankly at the screen as Luna strutted smugly.

"I... what?" Dash stammered.

"I, uh, she helped me do a riff while you were gone," I explained.  "I showed her the internet, too, and it seems that she's done her own research as well..."

"I have discovered your Earth's Netflix!" Luna crowed with the cheekiest grin I've ever seen.  "So, you two, how about commencing a new story riff?"

I snorted in surprise.  "Wow, movies certainly have helped your Englis—er, Equestrian improve, Luna."  I took my place on the couch opposite Dash.  "I suppose, I haven't gotten into a story in a while.  Whatd'ya say, Dash?  Feel like getting back to work?"

"Absolutely," she replied, a fire in her voice.  "I've been out of the game for too long.  Let's tear this thing apart!"

"You heard the mare, Luna, hit us!"

The Princess flipped the off-screen switch, and that damned yellow light started flashing merrily away.

"WE GOT STORY SIGN!"

Rainbow: Just one?

Matt: It does seem that there’s more than a few to choose from.

Rainbow: I mean, she’s my friend and all, but she has issues.

Matt: Don’t worry about it, it makes her more lovable.

“Come on, Fluttershy. You can do this!” The butter yellow Pegasus sighed as she stared at her reflection.

Matt: Let me put it to you this way: YOU FEEL STRONG!  YOU FEEL GREAT!  YOU!  CAN!  DO!  THIS!

Rainbow: Those self-help tapes really aren’t very effective.

“No I can’t!” She cried.

Rainbow: Well not with that attitude, you can’t.

“Yes, you can!

"No!

"Yes!

"No!

Matt: Sensing some bipolar issues here...

"Yes!” This went on for several minutes, stopping only when Angel hopped in front of the pony holding a watch.

Matt: Because that’s what Asshole Bunny does, at least when he’s not expressly being an asshole.

With a gasp, Fluttershy looked at the time. “Oh, no!” She whispered. “I’m late for my spa date with Rarity!” She took off, flying out the door to town.

Matt: Do Lotus and Aloe charge you extra if you’re late or something?

Rainbow: Nah, Fluttershy’s just too polite to be late.

“Hello, darling,” Rarity purred as her panting friend bust into the spa. “Why are you so late today? I don’t think you have ever been late for one of our spa sessions before.”

Rainbow: She’d tell you, but you’d just end up giving her an insane look.

Matt: There’s a reason you don’t usually tell people that you just spent two hours arguing with your reflection.

“Oh, um, I… Um… I was…” Fluttershy cast around for a reason to excuse her lateness, but to no avail.

Rainbow: “Did I leave the iron on?”

Matt: “I think my bunny is double parked!”

“Um… I’ll tell you later. If that’s OK with you, I mean,” she whispered, hiding behind her mane.

Matt: You can almost see her exploding into an adorable ball of psychoses.

“No problem at all, dear. Now let’s get started, the sauna is all warmed up for us,” the white unicorn said, getting up from where she was sitting by the door.

Matt: I never really got the spa thing.  I mean, I like a good massage as much as anybody, but saunas just seem like sweaty boxes, and mud just feels weird.

Rainbow: I know!  I don’t know why the other girls keep giving me so much grief about it.

Matt: Maybe because you’re so stallion-esque?

Rainbow: *snorts and waves a hoof over her body* Human, please.  You know you want this.

Matt: *chokes from laughing*

Fluttershy nodded and followed her friend. The spa was almost empty; other than the spa ponies, Rarity and Fluttershy were the only two.

Matt: The economic crisis has been hard on everypony.

Rainbow: Aloe had to switch to domestic mud instead of the imported stuff.

Matt: Le shame!

The latter kept looking at the door in hopes another pony would enter. She wanted to have a private talk with Rarity, but it was almost impossible with the spa ponies always catering to them and no other ponies.

Rainbow: I know modesty isn’t really as big of a thing here in Equestria, but having the sauna visible from the front door just seems...

Matt: Cheap?  Tacky?  Gouache?

Rainbow: I like cheap, let’s go with that.

On the outside, Fluttershy looked just as she always did as the two friends went along their usual spa session, but inside a battle was raging.

Rainbow: The casualties were staggering.

Matt: The end of the war was in sight, but the south would rise again!

Rainbow: Miiiiiiight wanna be careful talking about your south rising in a place like a spa.

Matt: Touché.

Tell her! Now!

Matt: “I actually enjoy watching Equestria’s Got Talent.”

Rainbow: Ouch, that was brave.  I wouldn't admit that.

No, I’m too scared!

Do it!

No!

Do it!

NO!

DO IT!!

Matt: “My sister!—*slap*—my daughter!—*slap*—my sister!—*slap*—my daughter!”

“NO!” Fluttershy cried out in an uncharacteristic volume. Instantly, every pony was looking at her.

Matt: Lotus ducked behind the desk to call the ponies in white coats to bring a straitjacket.

 “Oh, um… sorry,” she whispered, almost silently as she ducked behind her mane in terror.

Rainbow: Her mane gets more screen time than she does.

“No what, dear?” Rarity asked, looking at her friend.

“Nothing,” the shy Pegasus whispered.

Matt: Smooth, Flutters.  Not suspicious in the LEAST.

Tell her! Fluttershy demanded herself in her head.

Rainbow: “Lots of ponies still have their foal blanket!  It’s not that weird!”

Matt: “If I don’t tell her about the rash now, it’s just going to be more awkward when we’re in the bath later!”

Now! You’re almost out of time! It was true; the spa session was almost over.

Matt: Once the spa session is over, Fluttershy turns back into a pumpkin!  Or something.  I dunno.

The two mares were sitting in the big hot tub, as they always finished.

Matt: Um... finished?

Rainbow: It’s not that kind of story, for Celestia’s sake.  *huffs*  Males...

I can’t! Fluttershy argued with herself.

And why is that?

Rainbow: “I’m bound by the restraining order from speaking to Rarity while in a tub!”

Because Aloe is standing right. Over. There!

Rainbow: Or that.

OK then how about this, the more assertive part of her compromised. If another pony comes in, then Aloe and the others would go see them, not us, right? Right. So how about if that happens, you tell Rarity.

OK. I think I can do that.

Good. It’s a deal then?

Yes. Fluttershy nodded at the agreement she had made with herself.

Matt: The three-headed knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail approves of this conversation.

She then blushed, realizing that she had just done something strange for the second time that day.

Rainbow: Pinkie does nine strange things before Fluttershy even gets out of bed in the morning.  I think she’ll be okay.

She gave Rarity, who was again staring at her, a sheepish grin.

“Are you feeling OK, Fluttershy?” The unicorn asked, tilting her head to one side.

Matt: “Do we have to have you put down?”

“Oh, yes. Thanks Rarity, but I’m fine. I’m-” Fluttershy broke off with a squeak.

Rainbow: Get the superglue, Fluttershy’s broke again!

The door had just opened and a group of 5 walked in. Aloe looked at the mares in the tub and spoke.

“Will you girls be OK?” she asked.

Matt: Aloe hovers more than your table’s waiter when it’s five minutes after closing time at a restaurant.

“Yes, yes,” said Rarity, waving the Earth Pony off. “We can finish up ourselves. Thank you for a wonderful treatment, you never cease to amaze me.”

Matt: Rarity seems oddly un-disturbed about the lack of the happy ending.

Rainbow: Not that kind of story!

“Not at all,” replied the Earth Pony as she walked off to great her newest costumers.

Rainbow: Aloe’s costume this Nightmare Night was going to be AWESOME.

Matt: I hope so.  She had to fire her costumers after last year’s debacle.

“Now,” Rarity spoke again, turning to her friend. “What was it you were about to say?”

“Well, um. I um,” Fluttershy started. “Well, I. Um.”

“Come on, spit it out,” Rarity said, getting exasperated.

Matt: “No, that was it.  I’ve been practicing my stammers to be even more cute than normal.  How are they?”

“Well, I,” the Pegasus stammered one last time. Then she sighed. “Can you keep a secret?” She asked.

Rainbow: Who, the Gossip Queen?

Matt: Bitter about something, Dash?

Rainbow: Um.  Maybe.

“Well, of course darling!” Rarity cried. “Why, this one time Rainbow Dash told me-"

Rainbow: *frustrated sigh*  How does this fic possibly know about that!

Matt: Um, I’m assuming that’s a coincidence.

“FOREVER!!!!” cried Pinkie Pie, bursting up from under the water. “Ever, ever, ever, ever,” she echoed  as she slipped back under the water, going back to whatever party she had been at only moments ago. Rarity sighed.

Matt: Okay, I love how that doesn’t even rate a reaction from them.  That’s beautiful.  I wish I could give the author credit for such a perfect under-reaction.

Rainbow: I really don't think it was intentional.

Matt: I know, I said I wish.

“OK, so maybe I’m not that great at keeping secrets,” she admitted. “But you can see that I will never be able to tell anypony, what with Pinkie Pie around and all.”

Rainbow: What with and all.

“I guess…” Fluttershy murmured, looking unsure. Then her eyes lit up. “Pinkie Pie Promise,” she demanded.

“Oh, must I dear?”

Matt: You must dear.  Dear until you can’t dear anymore.

The pompous unicorn asked. “I would, you know that. It’s just that it is a tab bit foolish to do something so… odd… in a public place.”

Matt: On earth, we’d be much more concerned with all the public nudity than the oddity.

Rainbow: Yeah, Equestria’s cool that way.

“Yes, you must,” Fluttershy spoke with determination. “You must and you will, if you want to hear what I have to say.”

Rainbow: From passive confusion to determined demanding.

Matt: Fluttershy strikes again.

“Well, you are rather assertive today, aren’t you?”

Matt: Maybe those self-help tapes aren’t as useless as we thought.

Rarity sighed. “Fine. Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye,” she murmured as she did the corresponding actions. “There, will you tell me now?”

“Um, yes,” Fluttershy whispered. “Well, you see… I um. I like somepony and-” Fluttershy was cut off by a large squeal of delight from her friend.

Rainbow: *tsks* Typical Rarity, always thinking things are about her.

Fluttershy ducked behind her mane once more as all eyes turned to the two of them, drawn by the sudden sound. Rarity, however, remained oblivious to the attention.

“Well, this is wonderful!” She exclaimed in full-on gossip mode.

Matt: This is exactly why you don’t tell Rarity these things.  There’s no way in hell she’s gonna not tell everypony in the world.

“What does he look like? How old is he? Do we know him? Is he an Earth Pony? Or another Pegasus? Oh, you like a unicorn, don’t you?! OOO, this is so wonderful! What does he look like?!” Rarity demanded once more before finally giving the cowering Pegasus a chance to respond.

Rainbow: Is it just me, or is the use of the word “he” rather... um, prominent in that paragraph?

Matt: Oh, it’s not just you, and it’s not a good sign.  I think I'm going to hate Luna for this one...

“Well. Um. They’re an Earth Pony. I think you might know them.

Matt: Just how many ponies does she have a crush on?

They have beautiful green eyes and they’reamare,” Fluttershy finished quickly and near-silently.

Rainbow: I’m going to assume she said that “they have nine legs.”

Matt: Sounds good to me.

“I’m sorry, but I did not quite catch that last part. What did you say?”

“I said that the pony I like has beautiful green eyes?” Fluttershy said slowly, hopefully.

“No, no, after that part.”

Matt: “The nine legs part, darling.”

“Oh that. Um, I said that the pony I like is a mare. OK I’m done,” Fluttershy finished from behind her mane.

“Come on, Fluttershy!” Rarity said, clearly tired of the game. “Stop murmuring and speak up!”

Rainbow: “I said she’s a lawyer, okay!  I’m sorry!”

“Oh. OK then. Well, what I wanted to tell you is that… Oh, would you look at the time? Our spa session is over. We better get out now!”

“Oh, dear. It appears you are correct. Well, we better dry off then.”

Matt: Convenient excuse is convenient.

Rainbow: And recurring joke is recurring.  Is this going to be a thing for us?

Matt: If I have my way, it will be.

Fluttershy nodded, hopping out of the hot tub. With speed to rival Rainbow Dash, she dried off and headed for the door.

“Just wait a second, could you darling?” Rarity called from where she stood, drying her own fur.

Rainbow: Ask her to dry your back and gauge her reaction!

Matt: I—huh.  That seems like a fairly sound strategy, actually.

“I believe we were in the middle of a conversation.”

“Well, I do really have to get going,” Fluttershy protested, backing away. She froze at the death glare Rarity was giving her. “… but I guess I could stay a little longer.”

Matt: Oh, Rarity.  Guilting her friends into revealing their most personal details for her amusement and eventual dispersal.

Rainbow: What are friends for?

Rarity smiled. A few minutes later, the two of them were walking to the unicorn’s house. Once there, the white mare invited her friend inside, but the Pegasus refused.

“I’d rather not. I’m sorry,” Fluttershy said.

Matt: There’s that restraining order again.  Damn that thing.

“Well, will you at least tell me what you wanted to,” Rarity protested.

“Fine, I will,” Fluttershy responded. Taking a deep breath, she spoke several things in one go. “TheponyIlikeisRose. YesRosethemare. YesIknowthatsheisstraightbutIlikeheranyway. NowIhavetogoIwillseeyoulaterBYE!” Fluttershy finished loudly as she ran off. She took to the sky after a few moments of running, leaving her shocked friend behind her.

Rainbow: Well, we get the nervousness.  Now the question is, will this story end up being a campy, cliche hug session, or the depressing betrayal fic?

Matt: Even without being able to see the story tags, I’m not optimistic.

Once she was home, Fluttershy fled to her room. “Oh dear, oh Celestia, what have I done?”

Matt: “I never should have left home without switching off the lights!  I’ve wasted so much power!”

She asked herself. “Maybe I should go talk to her. Oh, what if I scared her? Oh what did I do, why did I do that?!” Fluttershy curled up, hugging a pillow sadly.

She decided that later she would go talk to Rarity. Just what she would say could be figured out later. Exhausted by fear and a stress let-down, the Pegasus fell asleep.

Rainbow: Okay, okay, wait a second.

Matt: What’s up?

Rainbow: Equestria has a huge female population.

Matt: How huge?

Rainbow: I think Twilight said it was just under 65% of the population.

Matt: Holy crap.  On Earth it's about 54%, or somewhere around that.

Rainbow: And with that many mares around, one would assume that Fluttershy would know that a same-sex relationship isn’t the most unheard of thing ever.

Matt: Not much of a big deal in Equestria, I’m assuming?

Rainbow: It’s not normal, I’ll admit, but a confession like this really wouldn’t offend that many ponies.  So why is she making such a deal out of it?

Matt: Well, unless I missed my guess earlier, I’m seeing some bad things coming.  The author is just using Flutters as a transparent vessel for his inability to stop from pasting a cheap human conflict onto ponies.

Rainbow: *frustrated sigh*  I’m gonna hate this, aren’t I?

Matt: *pats Rainbow on the shoulder* I will, too, Dash.  I will, too.

*************************************************************************************

Matt: My God, the scene change!  It's full of stars!

Rarity looked at her three friends that had gathered at her boutique. Rainbow Dash was flying in circles above the mares, clearly bored.

Rainbow: That does happen, yes.

Matt: You get bored that quickly?

Rainbow: Twilight insists on calling roll, like, every time we get together.  It gets old in a hurry.

Twilight was sitting patiently on a plush cushion, waiting for Rarity to speak. Pinkie Pie was bouncing up and down, up and down, down and up.

Matt: Gah!  The change there almost broke my head.  Damn my imagination trying to envision what I’m reading...

Rarity peaked out the window,

Rainbow: Twilight immediately began to study why her friend had turned into a mountain.

looking to see if Applejack had finished washing the mud off her hooves yet. Once the orange pony was inside, Rarity called for her friends’ attention. The four of them stopped moving, all except for Pinkie, who never really stops moving.

Rainbow: The first meeting of the Fellowship of the Stereotypes was set to commence!

Matt: More cut-and-paste show inserts?  We should really start a drinking game or something.

The four of them looked at their friend expectantly. After several long moments of silence, Twilight spoke.

Rainbow: How long is a long moment?

Matt: I dunno, but there were several of them, apparently.

Rainbow: It’s like saying something was two “talls” high, or a place is fourteen "fars" away.  There’s no standard for comparison.

“So, what is the urgent news that you called us here to tell us about?” She asked.

“Today Fluttershy told me something I think you should know. Fluttershy told me that she is-”

“Oh, wait a minute!” Pinkie cried suddenly. “Somepony is about to break a Pinkie Promise! I’ll be right back!”

Matt: I never thought of Pinkie as stupid, myself.  A bit of a bubblehead sometimes, but never this dense.

“Pinkie, wait!” Rarity said, but the pink mare had already poofed away.

Rainbow: Because Pinkie Pie.

Matt: *shrugs* Like logic applies to her.

“FOREV-” Pinkie stopped dead, clearly confused to be in the same place. “Wait, what?” She asked. “Rarity, are you about to break a Pinkie Promise? Tsk tsk, that’s twice in one day I had to stop you.”

Matt: “Cooler.  Zwei weeks.”

“Yes, Pinkie. I am about to break a Pinkie Promise, but for a good reason.

Rainbow: “I need to be a nosy, self-absorbed bitch!”

What Fluttershy told me today I really feel you all should know,” Rarity looked at her friends.

“Rarity, I’m not sure this is a good idea,” Twilight said slowly. “I mean, this is one way to ruin a friendship-”

“FOREVER!” Pinkie cried in her usual Pinkie Pie-ish fashion.

Her cry was so loud that none of the mares noticed the soft knock on the door or the quiet voice asking if anypony was there.

Matt: Cue poorly-written disaster in 5... 4... 3...

“Yes, yes. I know this,” Rarity said. “But I truly think that you girls need to know this.”

Rainbow: “For no Luna-damned reason!”

Luna: Hey!  I’m listening right here!

Rainbow: *blushes* Oh... heh.  Sorry, Princess.

Matt: Seriously, though, is Rarity afraid that Flutters will kill them all in their sleep?  What’s the big rush here?

All eyes were glued to the white unicorn so not one of the ponies noticed the door to the fashion boutique open.

“Hello?” Fluttershy asked as she stepped inside. “Anypony here?”

Matt: The shock caused several heart attacks.

She stopped talking as Rarity spoke again.

“I truly think you girls need to know what Fluttershy told me when we were at the spa today.”

“No,” Fluttershy whispered. “But, you Pinkie Promised!” Her voice was still too soft for the others to hear her.

Matt: *sighs* The not being heard thing is really hard to buy.  They’re not at a construction site, they’re in Rarity’s shop.  Just put it in thoughts already if you need her to be unseen so badly.

“Well, spit it out already!” Rainbow said impatiently. “I have tricks to practise.”

“Very well then. Today Fluttershy told me that she likes somepony,” Rarity hesitated, unsure of how to go on.

“Well, Fluttershy likin’ somepony is nothin’ to hoot at. If that’s all you got to tell us, I better get goin’ I got apples to buck,” Applejack said.

Rainbow: A quiet “Well screw you, too, Applejack!” sounds from the doorway.

Matt: That is pretty harsh.  But then again, if Applejack had things like hobbies or emotions, like, ever, it would break the illusion that she’s completely useless except to kick trees.

“That is not all she told me. She told me who she likes.

Matt: “She’s in love with Harry the Bear.”

Rainbow: The scandal!

You know Rose? The florist?” Her friends nodded.

“Yes, but what does that have to do with Fluttershy?” Twilight asked.

Matt: Twilight is rather thick when it’s plot convenient.

“Ah think she means that Fluttershy likes Rose,” Applejack said, honest and blunt as ever.

“WHAT?!” Rainbow cried, dropping to the floor in surprise. Pinkie Pie felt her chin hit the floor as she gasped in shock.

Rainbow: Overreact much?

“Oh. Well then. Is this right, Rarity?” Twilight asked.

“Yes.”

“Like, as in likes-likes?”

“Yes.”

“As in Fluttershy is…?”

Matt: “A stallion in disguise, yes.”

“Yes. Fluttershy is a fillyfooler,” silence followed Rarity’s words for several moments. Then the silence was broken by Rainbow Dash.

“BWahahaha!!! Oh, oh good one, Rarity! I never knew you liked pranks! Hee hee!” Dash looped in the air, trying to work off the laughter.

Matt: “Next you’ll tell me that Applejack does something other than buck apples all day every day!”

“Rainbow Dash!” Rarity shouted. “I assure you, this is no prank.”

“But it has to be! I mean there is no way I am friends with a fillyfooler. No. Way.”

Rainbow: *cringes* Um, I don’t think I like me in this story...

“Well, unless Fluttershy has found an odd sense of humor recently, this is no prank. And judging by the way she was so reluctant to tell me and how quickly she spoke and ran off once she had told me, I’m going to say it is not a prank. I’m just not sure what to do!”

“I’m not sure we need to do anything,” Twilight said. “I mean, is this a bad thing?”

Matt: Oh man, here it comes.  Duck and cover, Dash...

“Is this a bad thing? Is this a bad thing!?” Dash cried out. “No, not at all! This is just one of the worst things that could happen!”

“Eeyup,” Applejack agreed bluntly.

“Why, yes!” Rarity cried dramatically.

“See, this is why nopony liked her in flight school!” Dash shouted. “Everpony said she was a fillyfooler, but I defended her! Gah, I was such a fool! Fillyfoolers are not welcome here. There is no way I am going to be friends with one,” The Pegasus stomped her hooves irritably as even Pinkie Pie nodded agreement.

Rainbow: Sweet.  Harmony.  Why am I such a prick in this story?

Matt: You may notice that it's not just you, either.

Rainbow: Now that you mention it, yes.  Yes I do.

“I’m still not sure why this is a bad thing, although I admit it is a little… unusual. Abnormal. Strange. Offbeat. Queer. Irregular. Un-”

Matt: Wow, someone found the link to thesaurus.com.

“Get to the point already and stop muddlin’ our minds with your fancy talk!” Snapped Applejack.

Rainbow: All those syllables really hurt Applejack’s head.

Matt: At least they do when it’s StupidHick!Applejack.

Rainbow: Renaming characters?

Matt: If I don’t distinguish these pastiches from the real ponies, I’ll kill someone.  Probably myself.

“Weird,” Twilight finished. “I will feel strange around her from now on, I’m sure.”

“Wait, you still plan on hanging out with her?!” Dash cried, indignantly.

“Well, yes. Why wouldn’t I?”

“’Cause fillyfoolin’ is sinful,” Applejack remarked.

Rainbow: Um, Matt?  What does that mean?

Matt: Ooh boy... Ask me again later, we really, really don’t have time to expound on that now.

“And so dirty and wrong!” Added Rarity.

“And just so weird!” Pinkie Pie piped in. “I mean, come on! Think of all the times she has seen us without clothing! How can we know we can trust her?”

Matt: Oh, holy shit.  This is just getting retarded now.  Seen them without clothing?  Is she freaking serious?

Rainbow: Aside from high-society events and a flight suit, I’ve NEVER worn clothing.  And neither has Pinkie, for that matter!

Matt: Okay, so we’ve finally hit the chewy, nougat center of awful.  Wow.

“Oh, I never thought of that,” muttered the purple unicorn. “Oh wow, now this is awkward. I’m not sure what to do anymore.”

Rainbow: Murder.  It’s the only way to be sure.

Matt: Why not?  These characters seem all too eager to think only about themselves.  I'm sure they wouldn't have any problem simply offing Flutters.

“Well I do,” the colourful Pegasus spoke again. “We lose her. Get her out of our lives like AJ bucks rotten apples off her farm. Stop talking to her before word gets out and everypony hates us because we know her. I know that’s what I’m going to do.”

Rainbow: How the heck does anyone think that I could be that much of a prick to my best friend?!

Matt: I know it’s stupid, Rainbow, but it isn’t personal.

Rainbow: No, this is!  This is just insulting!  It’s not like I’m not the freaking Element of Loyalty or anything.  It's not like I grew up with Fluttershy or anything!

Matt: And Applejack might not be afraid to speak her mind, but she’s not the hateful bastard we see here.  Not even close.

“Ah’m with ya there, Dash,” the orange pony said. “No way in hay am Ah bein’ round such a bad crowd, even if it is only one pony.

“Come on you two,” Twilight tried to reason with her friends. “Fluttershy is still our friend, even if she is a bit… different. What about using the Elements?”

Rainbow: Use the Elements of Harmony to CURE HER?!

Matt: Strawman versus strawman combat at its finest, this is.

“Well, Ah still fit mah element. Ah’m just being plan honest with y’all.”

Matt: She’s right.  Just because she’s suddenly been turned into a massive asshole doesn’t mean she’s not being honest.  Holy balls...

“But what about you, Dash?” Twilight turned to her friend. “I thought you were loyal.”

“I am! Just not to a fillyfooler.”

Matt:  *turns to his laptop and parses through a few pages*  Hmmmmm...

Rainbow: What’s that, Matt?

Matt: “loy-al; adjective. 1. faithful to one's sovereign, government, or state: a loyal subject. 2. faithful to one's oath, commitments, or obligations: to be loyal to a vow. 3. faithful to any leader, party, or cause, or to any person or thing conceived as deserving fidelity: a loyal friend. 4. characterized by or showing faithfulness to commitments, vows, allegiance, obligations, etc.: loyal conduct.”  Nope, I don’t see anything about "only when I feel like it" in the definition of “loyal.”

“Girls, I think we should change the subject now,” Rarity interrupted the argument.

“Why is that?” Pinkie asked, tilting her head to one side.

“Because Fluttershy is standing by the door listening to our every word,” the unicorn replied.

Rainbow: Apparently we were so blinded by STUPID that we couldn’t see her in the five minutes she’d been standing there.

All movement stopped, even Pinkie managed to cease bouncing. Then, as one, they all turned to face a tearful Fluttershy.

“Hi Fluttershy!” Pinkie cried happily. “What ‘cha doooing?”

Matt: What.  The.  Fuck.

Rainbow: *facehoofs*

Matt: I know Pinkie is a bit vapid at times, but seriously, what the hell, man?  You practically accused your best friend of wanting to molest you, and you try to giggle it off?

“Do.. do you all really feel like that?” Fluttershy stammered, ignoring the pink pony’s question as tears feel into an ever-growing puddle on the floor. “Do you all really hate me?”

“I will never be friends with a fillyfooler,” Dash said once more. Looking straight into the yellow mare’s eyes, she spoke with a cold sureness. “Never.”

“I’m sorry, but I just do not feel comfortable around you anymore, dar-, er I mean Fluttershy,” Rarity added.

“AJ?” Fluttershy asked painfully. “Pinkie Pie?”

“Eeyup.”

“Yup!” exclaimed the easily excitable pony.

“Twilight?” Fluttershy looked at the only pony she felt might still be a friend. “Twilight, do you hate me?”

“I… No. I do not hate you,” the unicorn said. Fluttershy felt her face light up as hope filled her. “But,” the purple unicorn continued, “I don’t think that we should hang out anymore. Or talk to each other much. At least not for a little while. I’m sorry.”

Matt: I just—I got nothin’, man.  This deserves a Tragedy tag alright, but it’s because of the writer, not the plot.

“No, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I told Rarity and ruined all of our friendships. I’m so sorry. I’m just going to go now. I’m so, so sorry,” Fluttershy murmured as she turned and ran out the door, leaving a river of tears behind her.

“Should one of us go after her?” Twilight asked as she watched her ex-friend flee.

Rainbow: What, now you give a damn?

“Nnope,” Dash said in sync with Applejack. The five ponies stood in awkward silence as they listened to the pony they thought they knew ran away.

*************************************************************************************

"Jeez, I just—what the—h—AAAAGHGGHHH!"  Rainbow screamed and threw a pillow at the wall.

I sighed.  "I know, Rainbow.  It’s bad.  It’s really, really bad.  Frankly, the author should probably be beaten for being this insulting to so many different groups."

With nothing else to focus her anger on, Rainbow rounded on me fiercely.  "Fine," she snapped, "we’ve got a scene break, so tell me.  What the hay does 'sinful' mean?"

I took a very long, very deep breath.  "Yeah, I guess you haven’t learned that one yet.  Okay, here's the deal.  'Sin' is an earth term that’s very incorrectly applied to Equestria in this case.  It’s derived from words that mean 'trespass,' or 'offense,' and the original usage in earth’s religious texts literally means 'to miss the mark or fall short of expectations.'  It’s a picture of someone who knows something is wrong and does it anyway.  On earth, the word is almost exclusively applied to actions of a moral or ethical nature."

Rainbow's head cocked to the side as she processed this information.  "So Applejack is saying that Fluttershy’s attraction to Rose is immoral then?"

"In a nutshell, yeah.  A very disturbed nutshell."

"Why?  What did she do?  Who did she hurt?"

I snorted, my own feelings starting to boil.  "See, that’s the big problem here.  Flutters hasn’t even done anything, they’re judging her based on what she feels."

"So what’s the big deal?"

I had to stall for time.  "This might just be the biggest of hot-button topics on my world, and there's no easy way to sum up the debate while still being fair."  I sat back, thinking quickly.  "There's two sides to the debate, really.  There's a group who, like you, would see it as no big deal, with no one being harmed.  However, there's also a group of humans who believe that there's a divine order to sexual relationships, and that those who go against a strict male-female pairing are doing themselves and society harm."

Dash shut her eyes, trying to understand.  "So a mare who likes another mare is going against a divine order."

"Bingo."

She stomped a hoof in frustration.  "Isn’t that kinda, you know, awful?"

"Oh, it's very easy to say so, but it's not as simple as that."  I sighed.  "It depends how you view the issue and what you do with it.  If you legitimately thought a friend was about to fall off of a cliff and die, you'd try to convince them to come away from that cliff even if everyone else was saying you were intolerant, yeah?"  Rainbow nodded uncertainly.  "Look, there's plenty of people on either side who honestly and deeply believe in their viewpoint, and that's not wrong.  But there are also plenty of people on either side who have used their views to judge others and see them as either intolerant and hateful or immoral and savage.  It's inspired a lot of hate and pain."

Rainbow's jaw dropped slightly.  "...People actually do that?"

"Sometimes, yes, sadly."  I ran a hand through my hair, frustrated at everything around me.  "That’s the kind of person that all these ponies in the story are meant to sound like, but by making things so blatant, so simple, so over-the-top, he’s completely insulted everyone who genuinely holds those beliefs out of love instead of hate, not to mention all those people who have gone through this sort of thing in Fluttershy’s position!"

"You... seem to know a lot about this," Rainbow said quietly, taking a small step closer to me.

I scowled.  "You could say that.  To—well, to be honest, I've been on both sides of this debate.  I've been where Fluttershy is and where her friends are in this story.  It sucks.  It sucks hard.  And there's no easy way to go through it, no matter what you do."

Dash's ears perked forwards.  "Wait, in Fluttershy’s position?  You mean, you..."

I nodded.  "Yeah.  It was a strange time in my life, and it didn’t turn out well."

"This is a lot to take in, dude."

I gave her a sardonic smirk.  "Time to put your personal stance to the test?"

Her frown was sympathetic, if slightly reproving.  "Dude, come on.  You know I still like you no matter what.  And I know you wouldn't ever treat somepony else like these characters are."

"Thanks, Dash," I said, quietly stewing.  "That's just what pisses me off so much.  The worst part is that a good author who actually cared about their characters could still have Applejack be against a same-sex relationship without being a complete ass about it.  I mean, if Applejack really cared about Fluttershy, she’s be talking to her, offering her friendship and advice, not shutting her out like she’s got a disease.  And again, this isn’t like Fluttershy is coming up and telling her friends that she’s been secretly working as a whore or a contract killer for years.  All she’s said is that she has feelings that she really doesn’t understand!  She’s not responsible for that!"

Rainbow stared at me, her eyes wide and worried, but I didn't really notice.

"It’s not that hard to understand!  Feelings happen regardless of what you want; you can’t be held responsible for what you feel.  Thoughts happen instinctively, but you can always choose to stop thinking about something.  It’s what you actually do that matters, and Fluttershy hasn’t done anything!  It’s completely stupid!"

I slumped, huffing, belatedly realizing that I had practically shouted my words at my friend.  "I—I'm sorry, Dash.  I didn't mean to yell..."

She didn't seem upset, though.  “Hey, I get it.  I think I can see why you're so worked up over this.”

“Let’s just finish this piece of shit.”

She nodded, sliding over a little more so she was beside me.  "Alright, dude.  Just lean on me if you need it.  We can get through this fic."

Several weeks later, Twilight was walking around Ponyville.

Matt: As one is wont to do.

She had not seen Fluttershy since the ugly encounter at Rarity’s boutique; nopony had.

Rainbow: Ah, the ever-popular Author’s Saving Throw.  You know that thing I spent all of my time writing about?  The one that I crafted all the characters around?  Yeah, I hate that.  That’s stupid and ugly.

Matt: Doesn’t really carry the weight it’s intended to, does it?

Rainbow: It never does.

Twilight was still not sure that they had made the right choice about what they told Fluttershy. It must have been though, it was the truth. The truth is always best, right?

Matt: How can people conflate truth and opinion so easily?  What IS the truth is that you were an asshole while giving your opinion.

Rainbow: And even if you thought you were speaking from truth, you could still do it without ruining somepony else’s life.  I mean, compassion is an Element, after all.

Twilight sighed, allowing herself to get lost in thought. She wandered through the town for a while, too busy thinking to watch where she was going.

Matt: She left a trail of carnage and broken ponies in her wake.

Rainbow: Dude, she IS awfully self-absorbed in this fic.

She was just wondering if she should go check on the animal-loving Pegasus when she stumbled upon a small lump of fur. Looking down, the unicorn let out a gasp.

Rainbow: “My mittens!”

Huddled at her feet there lay a starving bundle of fun and bones.

Matt: “Fun and bones?”  That has GOT to be the most obtuse metaphor ever.  Of all time.

Rainbow: I never thought of Angel as “fun.”  “Demon-possessed,” maybe, but never “fun.”

Matt: Yeah...  There’s no chance whatsoever that it was just yet another stupid typo.

Rainbow: *shakes her head*  Nope.  Not a one.

“Angel?” Twilight asked. “What happened to Fluttershy?

Rainbow: “Did she divorce you?!”

Matt: And they thought being attracted to Rose was weird!

Oh, never mind that, we have to get you to the vet!” Gently picking up the dying bunny with a haze of magic, Twilight ran off.

A few days later, Angel was well enough to mime what had happened.

Matt: A few days.  A FEW.  DAYS.

Rainbow: Oh, the critter your best friend has devoted her life to is dying, neglected, but that doesn’t mean you should, you know, go check on her or anything.

Twilight, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Applejack and Rainbow Dash all got together at the library. They sat in a circle with the unwell bunny in the middle.

Matt: The fell demon they summoned was pleased with their sacrifice, and in exchange for the rabbit he bound his power to Twilight for a day, that she may cleanse the world with fire.

After a few hours that seemed like days, the ponies managed to piece together what had happened after the talk in the boutique.

Matt: Where’s the Phoenix Wright music when you need it?

Fluttershy had gone home, crying harder than she ever had, even harder than the time Gabby Gums had spread gossip about her in the paper.

Rainbow: After which she didn’t run home crying at all.  I know, I was there.

Matt: And there's no excuse for the author, either.  We did kinda see it happen, after all.  Pinkie cried at the time, not Flutters.

She had opened up all the food she had for all of her animals then kissed Angel gently on the forehead. After that, she had walked out of her hut into the Everfree Forest.

Rainbow: She was in a gown of pure white, and strode slowly and silently.  Choruses of angelic voices sounded in the background.  The animals of the forest all bowed to her as she passed.  For her heart was too pure, too noble to be contained to this wretched world any longer!  Her pain was too vast, her path too hard...

Matt: …

Rainbow: …

Matt: … Wat.

Rainbow: I mean, the author’s gonna do everything he can to make Fluttershy into a martyr, so why not help out?

Matt: Fair point, actually.

Angel had waited for as long as he could. Although it did not look like it, he truly did care for his owner.

Matt: Asshole Bunny only pretended to abuse her at every turn and be a controlling, demanding little spaz from hell.

Finally, he and the other animals had run out of food, yet Fluttershy had still not returned.

Rainbow: This took how long again?

All the other animals left once there was no more food, but the bunny had tried to wait. Eventual, he saw far too hungry to survive, so he had gone to town and that is when Twilight found him.

Matt: That sentence really broke down.  You can almost FEEL the author’s excitement as he approaches the climax, unwilling or unable to break from his progress for even the modicum of seconds it would take to reread his work and realize how crap he was writing.

Once the bunny had finished his tale, the 5 mares sat silently. Finally, Twilight broke the silence.

Rainbow: There was silence, and then there was not silence.

Matt: Show versus Tell: How to NOT do it.

“I think we need to look for her.”

“No,” Dash objected. “Why should we? She is no friend of ours. Why should we risk our necks trying to save her? Besides, she probably just is staying a Zecora’s.”

Matt: And the blanket hatred overtakes the obviously ethnic character, too.  Wow.

Rainbow: I don’t even know if the author is doing it on purpose.  I’m starting to think he’s just really stupid enough to believe this crap.

“Ah don’t think so, Dash,” Applejack shot back. “Why would she leave her bunny behind? Somethin’ musta happened to her.”

Rainbow: Oh, now you care, too?  At least the idiot version of me is consistent. *huffs*

“So?” Dash growled. “What does it matter to us? Even if something happened to her, why should we help her? She lied to us for all those years. She must have known before she told Rarity.”

Rainbow: Oh shut up.  You're awful.

“Dash, stop it,” Twilight said. “She may no longer be our friend, but that does not mean we shouldn’t help her. We need to help everypony that needs help; that is what it means to be an Element of Harmony!”

Matt: WHAT?!

Rainbow: *slams her face into the arm of the couch*

Matt: How the hell does Harmony mean that you’re allowed to HATE people, especially when you CAUSED the problem in the first place?

“But-”

“No buts, Dash,” Twilight cut across. “We leave now. No arguing. Let’s go.”

Matt: Intolerance isn’t limited to ethnics and the alternate sexualities, I see.  At least that’s something.

Rainbow: It is?

Matt: If you’re going to be a spiteful, stubborn prick, you can at least be egalitarian about it.

Unwilling to waste anymore time, Twilight started off, leaving the others no choice but to follow her. As they neared the forest, the temperature dropped noticeably. It was nearing night time; the darkness seemed more cruel than usual.

Rainbow: Maybe it just reacts to the cast’s cruelty?

Even brave Rainbow dash was reluctant to enter.

Rainbow: Scared now?  Is this even supposed to be me?

“Maybe we should wait until morning. You know, when it is light?” The Pegasus suggested as they stood at the edge of the path.

Matt: But if you did that, the inevitable upcoming scene wouldn't be nearly as tragic and poignant.

“No. We need to find her now. How knows what kind of trouble she had gotten herself into by now?” Twilight said.

Rainbow: "I mean, she admitted to being attracted to a mare!  For all we know, she could be out molesting foals by now!"

Matt: *pats Rainbow on the shoulder*  Stay strong, Dash.  Almost home...

“She’s right, y’all,” Applejack spoke up. “Ah don’t like it either, Dash, but we gotta do what we gotta do.”

Matt: This is the most polite lynch mob ever.

Pinkie Pie and Rarity nodded their heads, fear plainly viable in their eyes are the stared into the shadows.

Matt: They know what evil lurks in the hearts of men.  And ponies, I assume.

“Right then, let’s get going,” swallowing her fear, Twilight lead her friends into the darkness. After about an hour of fruitless wandering, Twilight let out an exasperated sigh. “This is taking too long!”

Rainbow: "I was supposed to be picketing a day care by now!"

She shouted into the night. “Dash, you fly ahead, see if you can find any signs. But stay within earshot, OK?”

“Yeah, whatever,” Dash said before flying off.

Rainbow: Mare-Do-Well, this ain't.

Several minutes of wandering later, the four ground searchers hear a shout.

Matt: How did I using tense?

Rainbow: Ah, love those recurring jokes.  They're always useful.

They froze, frightened by the fearful shout they heard from Dash.

“Rainbow Dash!” Twilight shouted. “Can you hear me? Come back!”

“I-I can hear you Twilight. I’m coming back, wait where you are, I’ll find you.”

“OK,” Twilight called back. As the ponies waited, their imaginations took over. Each mare stood lost in her own mind, wondering what Dash had found. They all jumped as the blue Pegasus burst from the trees.

“I found Fluttershy,” Rainbow said softly.

Matt: "It's worse than we thought.  She's... She's a Scientologist..."

Rainbow: What the...?

Matt: Trust me, if you were from Earth, you'd probably be chuckling.

“Is she OK?” Twilight asked, clearly frightened.

“No. She's- no. You- you better come see for yourselves.”

Matt: Is she cold?

Rainbow: Is she hurt?

Matt: Is she beige?

Rainbow: Is she a burrito?

Matt: Is she a clown?

Rainbow: Give us somethin' here!

Without waiting for a response, Rainbow turned and forced her way through the undergrowth.

Matt: Very rude.  She didn't even say "excuse me."

Rainbow: There is no excuse for her.

Exchanging terrified glances, the others followed. Several moments later, they emerged into a clearing. It was beautiful; the moon cast a peaceful glow on the grass. The trees did not seem as frightening as they did outside the clearing and the light illuminated several bushes of bright blue leaves near the center of the clearing.

Rainbow: Oh, Celestia.  I'm gonna be sick.

Matt: Welp, we called it.  It's like Norman Rockwell and Walt Disney had an emo baby and gave it to Tim Burton to raise.

Rainbow: How over-the-top can you get?!

None of the ponies noticed the beauty of the glade; all of them stared at the one thing that seemed to suck any magic from the area.

Rainbow: The new Magi-Suck 3000!

Matt: Cleans up tough mana spills with ease.

In the middle of the grass lay Fluttershy. She had several dried berries in her hooves and dried juice crusted on her lips. It was clear that she had eaten the berries.

Matt: It was true; the snozberries DID taste like snozberries.

She lay without moving, although weeds had sprung up around and on her.

Rainbow: Jeez, now even plants?  Fluttershy is out of control!

Matt: Sensing a liiiittle sarcasm there.

The long tendrils of the plants had crept up onto Fluttershy over the weeks she had lain without moving.

“Is she- Is she dead?” Pinkie asked, for once all joy gone from her voice.

Matt: Obviously hard to tell, since ponies are well-known for taking multi-week naps.  OH WAIT.

“Yes,” Twilight whispered, nodding. “Yes, I’m afraid she is.”

“Oh, I feel simply horrid!” Rarity cried. Tears fell from her eyes, slowly climbing down her face. “Is she dead or almost dead? Is it too late to save her?”

“Yes,” Twilight said again.

“Are ya sure, sugercube?”

“I’m afraid I am.”

“How can you be so sure?” Dash asked, her voice thick with accusation.

Matt: God, this is so STUPID!  What makes them give a damn now?  If these characters were in any way consistent, they'd all be taking turns to piss on her body while Twilight says "Now girls, that might not be very nice..."

“Do you see those berries she was eating?” The others nodded. “Well, I know about those. They are called Instans-Aeacus. It's Latin.

Rainbow: Which is totally a thing in Equestria shut up.

Matt: That's my line...

It translates to ‘instant death.’ They are the most lethal substance on all of Equestria. And-and I think Fluttershy knew that when she ate them.”

“What makes you say that?” Asked Pinkie Pie.

“Because Fluttershy is the one who told me about them.”

Matt: She spoke Latin and knows about plants now?  I thought her things were animals and dressmaking.

Rainbow: You're gonna bring logic into this?

Matt: You're right, it doesn't deserve the courtesy.

An evil muteness filled the air as the four ponies looked at the dead body.

“What do we do now, Twilight?”

“I’m not sure AJ. Rarity, Rainbow, you two knew her best. What do you think?”

“I don’t care. One less fillyfooler on Equestria, the way I see it.”

Matt: Aaaand, the sociopathic dyke hater is back.  That was quick.

“Rainbow Dash, how could you be so cruel?” Rarity shook her head sadly. In the beauty of the copse she could almost pretend the gentle Pegasus was asleep.

Rainbow: But as we've established, all the ponies in this story are bone-shatteringly stupid.

Almost, if not for the scent of death that hung heavy in the air. Rarity sighed. “I think we should leave her here. She always liked nature and she looks so peaceful. I don’t think there is anything we can do here. What do you girls think?”

“I think you’re probabaly right,” Twilight said sadly.

Matt: Yeah!  Why should anypony think to give the rampaging lesbian a decent burial!  She had the gall to come to her friends with her fucking FEELINGS!

Rainbow: *leans over and gives Matt a side hug* It's okay, dude.  It'll end soon.

“Any objections?” When nopony responded, Twilight nodded. “OK then. We should go back to home now. There is nothing we can do. Goodbye, Fluttershy. I’m sorry,” Twilight said as a tear slipped down to the forest floor.

Matt: Bull.  Shit.

There was nothing left to do so the purple unicorn turned and walked back to the path. Slowly, the others left until only Dash was left. She looked down at the cold, dead pony with hatred. As she stood alone, however, her gaze softened. She turned and walked to the trees her friends had disappeared behind. Turning to look at the Pegasus one last time, Rainbow spoke.

Rainbow: Oh jeez, I'm having another mood swing?  How much sillier can this get?

“I’m sorry, Fluttershy. This is all my fault. I shouldn't have been so mean. I’m sorry. I never should have laughed at you. So, goodbye. And, I’m sorry.

“I’m so, so sorry.”

Rainbow: *sigh*  Yes.  Yes you are.

Matt: Well, it's over.

Rainbow: Thank the Sisters.

Well, you’re done." Luna declared, closing and shuffling a few folders around on her desk.  "So what's your final verdict?"

I sighed.  "This is one of the worst—if not the worst—thing I've ever read.  Not worst fanfiction, the worst anything ever.  I’ve read more enjoyable leftist propaganda leaflets.  I’d rather read Mein Kampf than this abomination."

Rainbow nodded in agreement at my side.  "Everything about this story is insulting.  Any reader should be insulted by the blatant simplicity of the plot, never mind the way the story beats you over the head with its premise like a sledgehammer to an ice block."

"And the views are even worse, from every side!" I yelled.  "Don't support same-sex relationships or think they might be the slightest bit unhealthy?  You're a hateful jackass represented by the worst strawmen we could assemble.  Confused about the things you're feeling and want help?  Well, too damn bad; keep it to yourself, because everyone will hate you.  Your friends don't support your choices?  Might as well kill yourself, because angst and suicide are beautiful.  Seriously, I can't think of a worse thing to tell a reader!"

"Matt’s shown me some of the classic ‘mane 6 member comes out’ stories," Rainbow said, shaking her head, "and they’re ALL boring, trite, generic, simplistic, et cetera—but at least they aren’t this!"

Luna nodded.  "Well, I would say that you both have done justice to this fic.  How do you both feel?"

I grunted.  "Defeated."

"Exhausted," Dash echoed my mood.

"Dumber."

"Hurt."

"Insulted."

"Offended."

"All right, all right!" the Princess protested, throwing up her hooves in a gesture of surrender.  "I get the picture..."

I scowled at her.  "No, Luna, I'm not sure that you do.  Why are we still doing this?"

"...How do you mean?"

"Look," I replied.  "We both know that I didn't actually do anything wrong, yet I'm still here, against my will, being tortured—for what?  For your sadistic amusement?  Come on, Luna, you may be a prankster and a troll, but you're not cruel.  What's really going on?"

Luna's ears fell to the sides as she processed what I'd said.  "Okay, okay," she finally agreed.  "You do deserve to know."

Rainbow leaned in against me as she waited to hear what Luna had to say, but I wasn't sure if she even realized it.

"You were brought here on purpose," Luna confessed.  "Ever since the first human came to a version of Equestria, it weakened the borders in the multiverse and allowed us to bring things back and forth."

"Like the internet?" I asked.

"Exactly.  And for all the good it holds, there are dangers.  The only beings in any version of Equestria who have been made aware of the existence of the internet have been the humans, and those they have deemed able to handle it, like you did with Rainbow and myself."

I nodded slowly.  "Okay, I'm with you so far..."

"The difference," Luna said slowly, "is that Equestria runs on magic.  Things react in a much more... real way here. So these awful fanfictions are more than just bad stories, they're actually infecting the ponies who live here."

Rainbow sat bolt upright.  "Infecting?!  How?"

"It's subconscious, but reading and literacy rates dropped 2% in the first month after we brought through the first human, and the rate has been increasing, whether we bring anything new across or not.  Grades are dropping across Equestria, and foals aren't learning like they should be."

"Seriously?!" I exclaimed.  It was hard to accept.  The whole thing sounded to me like a half-assed fanfiction plot—though that might have just been because I'd read so many recently.

Luna grunted.  "Be grateful; in some other universes, the stories become rampaging monsters who kill ponies and destroy property.  It was Twilight and Pinkie who figured out how to combat the tide, though.  Pinkie saw a story and made fun of how bad it was, and Twilight detected a drop in the story's influence.  She figured out how to weaponize it by 'riffing' the stories like you do."

My head was swimming.  "Okay, I—wow.  So, why me?"

"Every human in Equestria—parallel dimension or no—was hoof-picked.  Your friends, like Twow and Simon, suggested you, and you were brought."  Luna held up a hoof to forestall my protest.  "You haven’t come across them out there because you’re not in quite the same reality they are.  Equestria has multiple versions across the multiverse.  We had to spread the healing effects around more."

"So why couldn't you tell me this before?!  I totally would have helped!"

Luna gave the camera a level look.  "I admit, I wanted to test you, to see what your limits were."  She couldn't resist a bashful grin, though.  "And, yes, I wanted to have a little fun at your expense, especially after you embarrassed me at Pinkie's party."  She sighed, her face and ears falling apologetically.  "I'm sorry I let it drag out like this, Matt.  Can you forgive me?"

I couldn't resist the ear drop even if I wanted to.  "Aww, of course, Luna," I replied.

"So, will you help us—all of us—save Equestria?" Luna asked hopefully.

"Hmmm...  That's a tall order, and I absolutely can't do it alone."  I turned to my wingmare and partner.  "Whad'ya say, Dash?"

She leaned away and gave my arm a playful punch.  "Are you kidding me?  I couldn't abandon you when it was just your sorry flank on the line, so of course I'm gonna stick it out for all of Equestria."

I grinned at the TV.  "Well, you heard her, Princess.  We're on the job!"

-fin-

Next Chapter: [06] Memories (ft. Simon O'Sullivan and crew) Estimated time remaining: 3 Hours, 25 Minutes