"Dost thou have any threes?"

"Go fish."

Luna muttered darkly, reaching forward to the stack of cards in the middle of the table and drawing off the top.  Don't ask me how she was holding cards with hooves, because I can't help you out.

I yawned and stretched my limbs out, placing my cards down on the tabletop.  "Man, It’s a dark day when I’m thinking about wanting a story to riff."

"Now?" Luna questioned, lowering her own cards.  "Without your partner, Rainbow Dash?  Art thou feeling up to it?"

I laughed.  "Oh, Luna, your combination of the archaic and modern speech is hilarious.  And not really, just more like I’m itching for something to do.  It’s freaking boring around here without Rainbow."  I looked out the window at the beautiful day outside.  "And ever since Rainbow Dash ended up stuck at her place with bits of her broken, I've been bored out of my mind."

The Princess of the Night threw out her lip in the most adorable pout ever.  "Awwww, but I am enjoying our card game!"

"I am, too, and I appreciate you keeping me occupied, but it’s not the same," I said, placating her.  "I’m used to a more athletic lifestyle, and I can always talk Rainbow into a game of hoofball, or running, or something.  When I sit still this long, I just kinda get stir-crazy.  I need something more to focus on."

Thankfully, just at that moment somepony knocked at the front door.  I glanced over and stood up.  "Hang on just a sec, Luna."  I walked over and pulled the door open to see Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle on my porch.  "Oh, hey, guys!  What's up?"

Pinkie beamed in her customary way.  "Hiii!  How’s it goin’, human buddy?"

"Good morning, Matt," Twilight said, hiding a smile at Pinkie's enthusiasm behind her hoof.  "I was wondering if you have the part ready for me?"

I snapped my fingers as I recalled the part she was referring to.  "Oh yeah, it’s on my workbench.  Hang on a moment, I’ll grab it.  Come on in!"

My guests took the invitation.  Pinkie bounced in through the door, as she was wont to do, and Twilight closed the door behind them both before looking up to notice Luna sitting at my kitchen table.  "I—oh, hello, Princess!"

Luna nodded amicably.  "Good morning, Twilight Sparkle.  And to you as well, Pinkie Pie."

Pinkie glanced at the table and all the cards scattered across the surface between our chairs.  "Oooh, you and Luna were playing cards?  Without me?"  She instantly pulled a deck of cards out of hammerspace and started shuffling them between her hooves with a skill that was almost frightening.

I chuckled as I rummaged around my workbench.  "Sorry, Pinks, I learned my lesson at my party, you shark.  I hadn't even earned a bit to my name, and I think I'm already down about twenty-five hundred bucks after that night."  Finally finding what I was looking for, I drew out a small mechanical part, which looked for all the world like a circuit board.  From what I had seen from working on it, it even worked almost exactly like one, too, except that it wasn't meant to handle electrical current, but magical.

Luna perked up, standing up in an attempt to see what I had in my hand.  "What is that for?"

"Oh, it's something to do with thaumic whatsits.  Twilight asked me to make a few modifications to it.  It’s a lot easier for me, given that I’ve got a natural advantage," I explained, holding up a hand and waggling my fingers.

Pinkie scoffled breezily.  "Pfffft, I can do that."

She took in a huge breath of air and lifted a forehoof, but I moved quicker than I ever had in my life, slapping my hand over her mouth.  "No.  No," I said seriously, using my most serious face.  "I don’t ever want to see that again.  It was horrific before, and it’s even worse in person."

Twilight rolled her eyes at us, tucking the part safely away in her saddlebag.  "I’m doing tests on magical resonance and thaumic induction fields," she told Luna.  "I’m testing ways to make magical storage conductors more efficient."

"And it turns out that all that magitech stuff works very similarly to our electronic circuits back home, and I studied those in college," I chimed in.  "So, it actually wasn't very hard for me to work on."

"And dare I inquire why Pinkie is here as well?" Luna asked with a knowing smirk.

Pinkie shrugged.  "Twilight looked like she needed a walking buddy!"

I had come to know and fear well the expression that I suddenly noticed on Luna's face.  "Well, perhaps your request has been granted after all, Matt," she said slyly.

"Wait, what?  Oh no, no you don’t, don't you even—"

Ignoring me with an evil smile, Luna vanished in a flash of teleportation magic, leaving me blinking against the sudden flare of light.  "Damn that alicorn..." I muttered darkly.

Twilight threw me a concerned look.  "Dare I ask?"

I groaned.  "She’s gonna lock us in and force us to riff something."

"Um, she knows I can teleport, too, right?" Twilight asked, somewhere between amused and concerned.

"And that I’m, well, me?" Pinkie added.

I mock-glared at them both.  "Oh, I really hope she thought of that.  This would be a bit of comeuppance, considering that you two are the reason I’m stuck here in the first place."

Twilight shook her head adamantly.  "Not me, that was a version of me from an alternate dimension of Ponyville."

I snorted.  "Don't you throw your semantics at me, sister.  Dimensional travel is discovered in all dimensions concurrently by definition, ergo, you helped.  And I know Pinkie is to blame.  Somehow."

The vibrant mare just shrugged.  "I’d deny it, but meh.  We needed a riffer, and you were one of the ones recommended!  Maybe you’ll meet your friends who set you up someday, you can ask them why."

"Well, I need you now," I countered.  "Rainbow's not here to be my wingmare, and Luna’s gonna turn on that light on the wall any second and start the pain.  So, feel like sitting in on a riff with me?"

Pinkie immediately bounced off towards the kitchen.  "Sounds awesome!  I’ll get the popcorn!"

"...but I don’t even have any—forget it.  Twi?  We could use your powers of sarcasm and literary analysis."

Twilight shrugged and started taking off her saddlebags.  "Sure, why not.  I’ve studied this riffing phenomenon before, so now’s a great time to get my hooves dirty myself, as it were."

The hated light began flashing gold, and Pinkie and Twilight rushed for seats on the couch as I vaulted over the back of the couch to land between the mares.

"WE GOT STORY SIGN!"

Rainbow Dash, the most beautiful pony I’ve ever seen.

Twilight: Ever seen... flying?

Pinkie: Skiing?

Matt: Snorkling?  Come on, man, give us something here.

Ever since the first time I saw her in flight school, I’ve been enticed by her Beauty.

Matt: She has the dog from The Hills Have Eyes?  Doesn’t seem very enticing to me.

I could never seem to get my mind off of her,

Pinkie: Well, covering the walls of your room with creepy pictures of her probably isn’t helping with that.

I’ve tried liking other ponies, but that just doesn’t seem to work.

Twilight: “Couldn’t you just, like, try not liking Rainbow Dash?”

Matt: They’re gonna send him to some sort of camp, aren’t they?

I’ve never seen any pony as skilled as her. I made it my mission to make her mine.

Matt: *holds up a violently beeping box* Wow!  It only took one paragraph for the creep-o-meter to peg out!

Pinkie: Where did you get that from?

Matt: Rule of Funny.

Pinkie: Oh, you’re gonna start stealing my tricks now?

Sure she can be a little rough around the edges sometimes, and she can be obtuse. But in the end, I know she’s the pony for me.

Twilight: Why are so many OC characters stalkers?  This is a disturbing trend.

Matt: I blame the fact that the most meaningful relationship most fanfic writers have had is with their hand.

Twilight: Ewwwww—Matt, why?

Oh, I never properly introduced myself. My apologies, they call me Aero.

Pinkie: Aww, you can’t get them to stop?

Matt: *snort*

I’m a light brown Pegasus pony. I have dark brown hair, and I have a calculator for cutie mark.

Twilight: And... what’s a calculator?

Matt: Twi, you know what a calculator is.

Twilight: That’s true, but I was making a point.  It’s a pretty strange thing to have as a cutie mark, considering most of Equestria still uses the abacus.

I’ve dedicated a good portion of my life studying math in order to try and build more efficient means of weather control for the other Pegasus.

Pinkie: The bad portion of my life I devoted to stalking mares.

Matt: I have to say, though, so far this is the best-developed OC I’ve riffed.  He’s got a fairly logical name, talent, cutie mark—sorta—and even a mental disorder or two.

Twilight: Truly a character for the ages.

I stayed in cloudsdale to do so, while most of the other ponies left.

Matt: Ah, capitalization, our old nemesis.  This is the hazard of blindly following your Word spellcheck, like complaining about your car being in the lake because your GPS told you to turn left in the middle of a bridge.

I always hoped that I would see Rainbow Dash again, and one day I got an unexpected opportunity.

Pinkie: And by “unexpected,” I mean I was hiding in the bushes outside her house with a camera.

Twilight: Bushes?  On a cloud?

Pinkie: It’s how you have to do these things.  He probably brought one with him to hide in.

I was relaxing on my day off of work when I hear a commotion going on in the distance.

Matt: It’s Black Bart, he’s come back to town!  Call the sheriff!

As I look to see what it is, I see a particularly angry griffon,

Twilight: So... the griffon wasn’t the source of the commotion then?

one that I’m not truly fond of, Gilda.

Matt: Because no other griffons exist.  Ever.

Pinkie: She really is easy to hate, isn’t she?

Matt: She’s a walking strawman, which sorta drives me nuts.

Gilda is one of the meanest griffons I know, well I only know few griffons, but she is definitely the meanest. But she’s always getting other ponies fired up; it’s quite odd to see it the other way around. I decided to go investigate; maybe I could get a good laugh out of her anger.

Twilight: How noble of you.

I flew over to her and said, “Well, well, well if it isn’t the infamous Gilda.”

Matt: Infamous.  You really shouldn’t have circulated all those posters of her, Pinkie.

Pinkie: Hey, she made Fluttershy cry.  She’s lucky everypony let her live!

Matt: …I see that I’m not the first human you’ve met, then.

“Beat it dweeb,” she snapped, “I’m not in the mood!”

Matt: PMS is a bitch.

Twilight: To be fair, so is Gilda.

Matt: Touché.

“Whoa there griffon, what’s got your feathers in a bunch?” I replied

“I said beat it, now!” she replied angrily.

“I guess you don’t want any more help with your techniques. It’s a shame; I used to love seeing you perform my blueprints for great aerial techniques.” I scoffed.

Pinkie: Dude, this pony is something else.  I don’t like Gilda, but tormenting her for your own amusement is pretty low.

She growled, “Fine! It’s seems that Rainbow Dash has turned into a major Flip flop.

Matt: Rainbow Dash is a major fashion statement.

Pinkie: Rainbow Dash always wears in style!

Twilight: But ponies can’t wear her, because none of us have toes.

That pony Pinkie pie made her so lame!

Pinkie: Ah, it’s tough being the ex.

Matt: She took the break up hard, poor thing.

She used to be so cool, but now she’s just a dweeb like you.”

Twilight: She just calls him a dweeb for no reason?

Matt: Well, to be fair, he does have a calculator for a cutie mark.

Twilight: And what’s that supposed to mean?!

Matt: *pats Twilight on the shoulder* Shhhh...  Hush and enjoy the pain.

“So you met her recently?” I asked.

“Yea, I regret it.” She replied.

“Where is she now?” I asked

“Why do you care?” she replied with suspicion.

Matt: Asked, replied, asked, replied.  Somepony get this guy a thesaurus.  Even bad synonyms are entertaining to read.

I got closer to her and yelled, “Because I do! Now tell me, Where is she!?!”

Pinkie: I’m sorry, did Batpony just enter the fic?

Matt: That, or Jack Bauer has made the crossover between dimensions!

She pushed me away, “calm yourself, she’s in that lame town called ponyville.”

Twilight: The writer seems to be having problems with his keyboard.  Every so often his shift key breaks.

Matt: I think I already riffed the story that took all the capital letters this guy lost...

I backed a little and said, “Thank you.”

Pinkie: “And Gilda ripped my face off and ate it.”

Matt: Seriously, it’s one thing when you’re surrounded by ponies, but one on one?  I’d bet Gilda could do some seriously horrific things to this guy.

And I flew off. I knew exactly where ponyville is,

Matt: *whispers in Twilight and Pinkie’s ears*

Twilight: What, seriously?  Why?

Matt: It’s sort of a thing here.

Twilight: *shrug*

All: HOW DID I USING TENSE?!

I’ve cleared some of the clouds there before.

I didn’t know how I’d find her when I got there, but I had to take the chance.

Pinkie: Ah yes, the bustling metropolis that is Ponyville.

Matt: How could anypony possibly know how to find one of the six most famous ponies in the world in a small community like that?

Twilight: I’m just glad nopony’s tried to set up tours of our homes yet.

I flew as fast I could; I was always a pretty fast flyer.

Matt: Race coming?

Twilight: Race coming.

I was nothing special, just slightly above the class average. As I raced towards ponyville, I started to get this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Matt: Incontinence can strike without warning.  Ask your doctor about Zalfar.

I was nervous, I haven’t been nervous about something since the last time I saw her.

Twilight: It’s better than “I haven’t been nervous since the last time I was,” but it’s still a pretty close second.

As I got closer, the feeling got more intense.

Matt: I’ll cry laughing if he throws up on Rainbow.

Pinkie: You remember the first time you met her, right?

Matt: Of course!  Yeah, I was nervous and a bit awestruck, but I wasn’t an emotional wreck.

Twilight: But you weren’t stalking her, either.

Matt: Yeah, thanks to the show, I had an actual excuse for knowing so much about her.

And before I knew it, I was there. As I landed, I heard a loud gasp. A pink pony started running towards my directions. She had a very curly mane and tail, and she seemed very excited.

Matt: Blind story insert!  If we were drinking, we’d be emptying our glasses on that one.

Pinkie: *produces a large mug of cider from nowhere and promptly drains it down*

Matt: *blinks* Please teach me how to do that.

When she finally got to me she took a deep breath and began ramble on,

Twilight: >begin rambleon.exe /a

Matt: How the hell did you just pronounce that?

Twilight: It’s a talent.

“You must be new here, because I don’t know you, and I know every pony in ponyville, and since I don’t know you that must mean you’re new! Ooh tell me, tell me, tell me what’s your name?”

“Uh, well, uh my name’s Aero.” I replied, “What’s your name?”

“My name’s Pinkie Pie,” she answered, “Well actually my name is Pinkamena Dianne Pie, but all my friends call me Pinkie Pie, and since you’re my new friend, you can call me Pinkie too!” she gave a great big smile.

Matt: It’s a step above a single run-on sentence, but only just.  Also, thank you so much for not greeting me like that, Pinkie.

Pinkie: No problem.  You looked a bit dimension-sick when I found you anyway.  Not a great time for surprises.

“Well,” I said “it’s nice to meet you. Can you tell me where I can find…”

Matt: “A newt?”

Twilight: “A wrench?”

Pinkie: “A rational character motivation?”

She cut me off before I could finish my statement, “I’m going to through you the most super-duper looper party you’ve ever seen and I’m gonna invite every pony. I don’t have much time, I gotta get started!”

Twilight: How do you afford all the parties, Pinkie?

Pinkie: I could tell ya, but then I’d have to kill ya!

Matt and Twilight: o_o

Pinkie: *giggles*

And before I knew it, she was gone. Well, if she was going to invite everypony, then I won’t have to worry about finding rainbow dash.

Matt: Did—did he just use logic?

Twilight: It was super effective!

Matt: You have Pokemon?

Twilight: I like strategy games.

I just needed to find a way to occupy my time until then.

Pinkie: “99 buckets of oats on the wall!”

I decided to go look around town for a little bit. My exploration of ponyville proved that it has a wide variety of different types of stores and ponies.

Twilight: One could almost confuse it for a town or something.

Matt: Actually, I have been to places on Earth that only have one type of store.  It’s boring as hell, unless you’re REALLY into antiques.

While looking around, I accidentally bumped into somepony spilling all of her apples she was carrying.

Matt: He has the most aggressive “looking around” I’ve ever seen.

Pinkie: “Out of my way, freshman!”

She was an orange pony with a blonde mane and tail; she was also wearing a hat.

Matt: Yes, describe the character we’re all plainly familiar with!

Twilight: Better than some stock descriptions, though.

Pinkie: At least it isn’t an entire paragraph unto itself.

“Oh geez, I’m so sorry. Here, let me help you pick theses apples up”

She got up and smiled at me, “oh it’s ok partner, mighty thanks for yer help. And next time, just try to watch where yer going, ok?

Twilight: Missing quote marks, capitals absent, commas wherever—was this edited with a hedge trimmer?

I laughed a little, “can do.”

Pinkie: “Maybe.  As long as you’re not between me and my obsessi—I mean, crush.”

After we finished picking up the Apples

Matt: Macbooks.  Macbooks everywhere.

Twilight: Either that, or he ran over a lot of her family members.

I said to her “I’m sorry again for running into you like that. My name is Aero, and I hope we can still be friends.”

“Of course we can sugar cube!” she exclaimed “My name Is Applejack, pleased to make your acquaintance. If you ever need anything, just come on over to sweet apple acres, I’ll be glad to help ya.”

Twilight: Proper nouns just don’t get the respect they deserve anymore.

Pinkie: Even punctuation has been hit by the financial crisis.

Matt: What financial crisis?

Pinkie: The Earth one.  It’s just funny to say.

“Actually,” I said “Do you know of a pony named Rainbow Dash?”

“Do I?” she said “why, she’s one of my best friends. Whatcha need with her?”

Matt: That’s a loaded question.

“I need to find her and talk to her.” I said, “Do you know where I can find her?”

Pinkie: “Well, she’s a bit hard to find since some pegasus she went to flight school with was caught on her porch with a bottle of chloroform...”

She giggled a little “well shucks, that pony is always on the move, looking for her is like looking for a needle in a hay stack. Don’t worry though, Pinkie Pie always throws parties for new ponies in town, and everypony will be there. I’m sure you can find her there.”

Matt: Is Applejack prescient or something?

Twilight: Maybe she just has a good sense of pattern recognition.

Pinkie: Yeah, it’s not like me throwing new ponies a party is an uncommon occurrence or anything.

She started walking “I gotta go now, lotta work to be done down on the farm. Like I said, if ya ever need anything just come by I’ll be there.”

Matt: “Chained to an apple tree, where most fanfic writers leave me.”

Pinkie: *whips out a sign emblazoned with “#FreeApplejack2014” and holds it up*

I shouted out to her “Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind! It was nice meeting you!” and then I went off into the other direction. I was glad to have just made a friend, somepony I knew I could count on if I ever needed it.

Twilight: Well that’s a bit of a stretch.  You only just met her, after all.

Matt: Then again, he’s not entirely stable.

I had a few hours to kill, considering that pinkie is preparing my party. She’s quite a weird one.

Matt: Anyway, let’s continue the parade of main characters, shall we?

Twilight: The Cutie Mark Crusaders had an easier time finding Rainbow Dash than this stallion is having.

As I was in my trance like state, my thoughts were interrupted by a purple unicorn. “Why hello new pony, Pinkie told me I could find you somewhere around here. My name is Twilight Sparkle, what’s your name?”

Pinkie: “Ah, she’s in my head!  Get out!”

Matt: He went into a trance and saw Twilight, Princess of Zen.

“My name is Aero, it’s nice to meet you” I replied.

“Well,” she said “I was sent to occupy you and escort you to the party when Pinkie is done the preparations.

Twilight: I think my time is a bit more valuable than that, thank you very much!

It seems like you’ve already given yourself the grand tour of ponyville, let’s head back to my house.”

Matt: “Well this is sudden, but okay!”

*Pinkie and Twilight cuff Matt on the back of the head*

She started walking, and I followed closely behind her.

Matt: Bow chicka bo—

*Pinkie and Twilight rare back again as Matt ducks and covers his head*

Matt: No hit!  Jeez, I want to riff with a stallion.  Mares are painful...

She brought me to a library made out of a tree.

Twilight: It’s a tree made into a library.  Subtle but important distinction.  A tree is MUCH harder to make.

When we entered, I saw an extremely wide array of books. Anything I could be possibly searching for would be here, granted of course that you could find it amongst all the books.

Matt: The sum total of all Equestrian knowledge in Twilight’s house?

Pinkie: Yeah, turns out you can really cram all those books in on those four shelves or so.

“Welcome to my home!” she exclaimed.

“It’s… big!” I said.

Matt: It’s bigger on the inside?

Pinkie: They all say that...

“How many books do you have here?”

“Thousands!”  She replied,

Twilight: “They’re all just very, very small, which is why they don’t take up all the available floor space!”

“I love reading them, and studying up as much as possible. While we are here, tell me about yourself. What brings you to ponyville?”

Matt: “Me?  Oh, I plan to kidnap and marry Rainbow Dash.  Do you know where I can find her?”

When she asked me that question, it seemed to echo within my mind.

Pinkie: With all that empty space in there, no wonder.

Matt: Ooh, burn, dude.

Why was I here?

Twilight: Like, the “birds and bees” kind of why, or just a deeper, more philosophical kind of why?

Pinkie: Why are any of us here, really?

Matt: Why am I here riffing this story?

Why did I choose to get up and just leave?

Pinkie: The plot demanded it?

Even if I find her here, will she want to give me a chance? All these questions filled my head, but they evaporated into an abyss as a greater thought entered my mind.

Matt: “I just sat in something wet!”

“A chance.” I said. She looked at me in confusion, so I began to explain. “I need a chance, with Rainbow Dash. Ever since the first time I saw her, I’ve been drawn to her like a magnet.

Twilight: “That’s why it’s taken me ten-plus years to do anything about it.”

She’s everything I’ve ever wanted, her beauty intimidated me.

Matt: He is stalking her!  Nobody thinks about attractiveness at flight school age, so this must be pretty recent stuff.

I wanted to talk to her, I wanted to spend time with her, I wanted to kiss her, but I was so fearful of what she would say that I never even tried.

Twilight: She would say, “Jeez, maybe ask first before trying to kiss me?  Creep.”

I need this chance to redeem myself,

Matt: What redeem?  What did he do before?

I made it my goal. After years of waiting, after many nights wondering, I will make her mine. I can do this, I just need the chance.”

Her eyes grew wide and she said,

Pinkie: “I’m calling the cops!”

Twilight: “That’s the creepiest thing I’ve ever heard!”

Matt: “I’m pony Chris Hanson, why don’t you take a seat over there?”

“Well isn’t that cute. Don’t worry; I’ll give you as much help as possible.

Twilight: Or, you know, that.

Rainbow Dash may take a little bit of convincing, but I’m sure you can do it. You seem like you have enough determination to do it!”

Pinkie: Logic and reason are no match for the power of wishful thinking!

For the next few hours we talked, played a few board games with Spike,

Matt: Spike made the worst Monopoly piece ever.  He covered, like, half the board.

and as the dusk started to come, we prepared for the party. As we were about to leave for the party, we heard a knock at the door. Twilight went to go answer the door and on the other side was a white unicorn with a purple mane and tail.

Pinkie: I was just about to ask what the author had against Rarity and Fluttershy to leave them out of the Mane6 parade.

She was carrying a black suit.

Matt: This is what we’re gonna bury you in after Dash kills you!

“It’s good to see you twilight.” She said as she walking into the room.

“You too Rarity!” she replied “what’s the suit for?”

Pinkie: “And why is there a bullseye painted on the back?”

“Well Pinkie told me that there was a new Pegasus pony in town and she was throwing a party for him. She told me I could find him with you, so I decided to make him a little ‘welcome to ponyville’ present for him.”

Twilight: Um, what?

She turned to me “It would look much better if I had your exact measurements darling, but I simply did not have enough time. I hope you enjoy it.”

She handed me the suit, “it looks fantastic, I’ll go upstairs and try it on!” I started to walk up the stairs.

Matt: Because he’s ashamed about... dressing... in front of them?

Pinkie: And why is he going to be the only pony at the party who’s dressed?

“Ok darling,” called Rarity, “take your time, just remember we have a party to go to so hurry up!”

Well that’s a contradiction, but hey I got a free suit so I can’t complain. I went to twilight’s room and began to change.

Twilight: Hopefully into somepony who isn’t a creeper!  Get out of my bedroom!

When I was finished changing I noticed that twilight had a picture on her dresser. It was a picture of all her friends, but what really caught my eye was Rainbow Dash.

Matt: “Hmm... I’ll have to eliminate her and these others so they can’t have Dash.”

She still looked as beautiful as I remember.

Twilight: From when you were eight?!

“It begins.” I said to myself.  I proceeded to walk downstairs.

Matt: He tripped and fell, breaking his neck.  The end.

“You look fabulous sweetheart!” she yelled to me.

Pinkie: Who has Rarity ever called “sweetheart”?

Matt: It’s because Aero exudes a pheremone.  It’s called “I’m the writer’s self-insert, so everything goes right for me.”

Twilight: *snorts derisively*  I guess we should be thankful that he isn’t actually going to get to do anything too perverse with Dash in this fic.

Matt: Yeah, I’d prefer to not see that.  I’m a male, not a letch.

Pinkie: Let's all give thanks to the "Teen" rating.  Amen.

“Thank you.” I replied, “Well, I suppose we should leave. Don’t want to be late for the party now do we?”

Pinkie: It’s his party; late is relative.

“Well, let’s get moving then.” Said twilight, “The party is being held at Mr. and Mrs. Cake’s bakery, so it won’t take anytime at all to get there.”

We started to walk to the bakery. As we we’re walking there, I explained my situation to Rarity.

Matt: Past tense, future perfect, present active—throw ‘em all in!

“Well rainbow dash is not the most elegant pony I’ve ever seen,” she said.

Twilight: What, he couldn’t even bother to capitalize her first name anymore?

Matt: The badfic writer has no time for editing!

Twilight: If we weren’t being forced to read this...

Matt: I know, you get used to it.

Twilight gave her a face of disappointment. “But um, well, she can be a very good friend. And you two would make a cute couple.”

Pinkie: “I know this despite the fact that literally the only thing I know about you is that you’ve got a stalker-crush on Rainbow Dash.”

Matt: Apparently that’s “cute” in this world instead of “jail-worthy.”

Almost as soon as we had left, we were there. Twilight was joking about it not taking any time at all.

Matt: You can almost see the smoke pouring out of the author’s ears at the idea of having to come up with more ways to kill time with nothing happening.

As we walked in, I saw all the ponies of Ponyville.

Matt: In one room.

Twilight: They were stacked five deep.

Pinkie: Most of the ponies on the bottom were dead or injured, but nopony could get to them.

Matt: It was pure chaos.  Nopony could move, so nopony could get free.

Twilight: In less than a week, the combination of starvation and disease from the rotting carcasses below had taken its toll.

Pinkie: Ponyville was a ghost town, left to the ravages of time.

Matt: And without the Elements of Harmony, Discord succeeds in his coup of Equestria, and death and chaos spread across the land.  Again.

Twilight: All because Pinkie couldn’t stop inviting ponies to a party!

Matt: Equestria is GONE, Pinkie!

Pinkie: *cries huge overwrought tears* I’m sorry!  I’ll fix the world, I promise!

Matt: There, there.

Pinkie Pie had truly invited everypony here.

Matt: That was implied by them all being there, yes.

Pinkie: Maybe some were gate crashers.

There was confetti everywhere, tons of balloons, and more sweets and pastries than a pony with a sweet tooth could dream for.

Matt: Again, how do you pay for all—

Pinkie: You really gonna ask me that?

Matt: *sinks down* I’ll be good...

Pinkie Pie burst out of the crowed

All: COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO!

and yelled “hey everypony, this is the new pony in town I was telling you all about!”

Matt: “Oh yeah, the guy who we know nothing about other than he’s new!”

Suddenly the attention in the room shifted towards me. I began to greet everypony in the room and make small talk with them, glancing around for any sign of Rainbow Dash. One by one, I met everypony in town but there was still no sign of her. I was ready to give up, when I heard the door fly open.

Pinkie: The pizzas arrived!

She walked in, looking very seraphic. She was the epitome of beauty and precision.

Twilight: Woah... two vocabulary words in a row!

Matt: Let’s give this guy a hand for discovering thesaurus.com!

She was Rainbow Dash. She was my love. This was it. This was my chance.

Pinkie: “Hey, does this rag smell like ether to you?”

“Sorry I’m late everypony,” she said entering the room “I was practicing a new trick and I kinda lost track of time.

Matt: Convenient excuse is... generic?  Dammit, that almost worked.

So who’s the new pony in town?’

“It’s me Rainbow.” I said to her

.

Twilight: Hello, random period.  Glad you could make it to the story.

She turned around and exclaimed. “Aero? It’s been so long! How have you been? What brings you to ponyville?”

Pinkie: She can recognize somepony she hasn’t seen since she was about eight years old?

Matt: That’s fanfiction for ya.

I took a deep breath and said “Well I came to see you, and I’m great now that I’ve finally found you.”

She blushed a little “you came all the way from cloudsdale just to see me?”

Matt: Blushing like a schoolfilly.  What a load of horseapples.

Pinkie: Heh.  Jealous much?

Matt: What—I, no!  Of course not!

Twilight: *grinning* Uh huh...

Matt: I like Rainbow just the way she is, thank you!

“It's a little more than that.” I replied.

Twilight: Rainbow slowly reaches into her saddlebag for her mace...

“When we were in flight school I thought you were the most beautiful pony I had ever seen. You were the best at flying, you did it so gracefully. You were so confident, and you had reason to be.

Matt: “Your unruly mane and tomcoltish attitude, the way you crashed all the time, the way you constantly felt the need to prove yourself to bullies to—wait a second...  Did I hit my head or something?”

Ever since the first time I met you, I’ve wanted to ask you out.

Pinkie: Again, because young foals know what that is.

I tried to must up the courage, but I never could in time. I’ve waited all this time, for this moment. There’s no backing out now. Rainbow Dash, would you like to go on a date with me?” before I could even hear her answer, I felt a sensation of relief.

All: EWWWWWWW!

I was glad to have that off of my chest.

Matt: Yeah, now it was all over Rainbow’s hooves!

Her face began to blush bright crimson red. “That’s very nice of you to say Aero, I…”

Twilight: “Who are you, again?  I don’t remember you from flight school at all.”

But her sentence was cut short but the door flying open again.

Pinkie: Finally, the pizzas!

This time, we were graced with a face that I none of us were too fond of.

Twilight: “I none of us.”  *shakes her head*

It appears Gilda paid us a visit.

Matt: Tense, man, tense!  GET IT FREAKING STRAIGHT.

Pinkie: What, did she TP the place and leave?

“I thought I’d find you here dweeb, trying to brown nose rainbow dash huh?”

Pinkie: Sheesh, now who’s got the stalker-crush on Rainbow?

Matt: Dueling stalkers!

“Gilda!?!” exclaimed Rainbow Dash “what are you doing here? I thought ponyville was too ‘lame’ for you”

Matt: “I mean, I broke up with you hours ago!”

“I’m not here for you Flip Flop,” she snarled,

Twilight: Your trendy fashion is for hipsters and beach bums!

“I’m here for him” and she pointed towards me.

Matt: This is gonna be the most hateful threesome in history.

“I need to start practicing if I want to be called the best flyer in Equestria and knock you outta the sky. And I need him to help me do, so come on dweeb!”

Twilight: What.

Pinkie: What.

Matt: ...da fuq?

I stood up as tall as I could and yelled “No!”

Matt: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Pinkie: Search your feelings, colt, you know it to be true!

She looked surprised. “What did you just say to me?”

Twilight: Do ponies often respond to this sort of approach from her?

Matt: Maybe Gilda runs a BDSM club in her spare time and she’s just used to it by now.

With confidence in my voice I replied “I said no! You don’t own me;

Pinkie: “Nopony owns me, and believe me, I’ve tried to sell myself to them!”

you don’t get to tell what to do and when to do it.”

Twilight: “Only how, who, and occasionally why!”

“Please,” she scoffed “I’m stronger than you, faster than you, and better than you. You’d be nothing without me!”

Matt: Wow.  The hate-sex must be magical.

“Prove it.” I said.

Looking surprised again she replied. “Challenge accepted.

Matt: Meme drink!

Twilight: We’re still not drinking, though.

Pinkie: *produces another mug of cider and chugs it down*

Matt: I hate you so much right now.

Follow me” and she began walking outside. I followed right behind her. She pointed to a cloud towards the center of the town. “First one to that cloud and back wins. That’ll prove who the best is.”

Matt: Gilda, playing the part of the 50s greaser in this fic.

Pinkie: And Rainbow as the blond, vapid schoolgirl they’re fighting over.

Twilight: Is this really what’s going to pass as the conflict in this story?

Matt: What, you expected something more?

Twilight: Yes!

I smiled to her “deal”. I was insanely nervous though. I was hoping that by some miracle I would beat Gilda and impress Rainbow Dash. Stranger things have happened I suppose, I needed to give it a shot.

Spike came between us

Matt: I—

Twilight: Don’t you even make that remark.

Matt: …I wasn’t going to make a sex joke, honest!

Twilight: Commenting on how you won’t say it still counts!

Matt: Dammit.

and started to shout “Racers take your marks,” we spread our wings. “Get set,” we got into position. This is it, the second before the start is always the longest. I could feel the all the thoughts racing through my mind. A bead of sweat started to drip down my face. And then it came. “Go!” And we went.

Pinkie: Ha!  Oh, the bad pun doesn’t make up for the storytelling, but that's pretty funny.

Matt: Unintentionally, of course.

Pinkie: That's the best kind.

Gilda was slightly ahead of me. I could try to go a fast,

Matt: It’s like Mario and Sonic had a baby.  “Gotta go-a fast!”

but I would burn too much energy.

Twilight: Ponyville’s not that large.  This is a sprint, not a freaking distance race.

I’d have to wait until the last stretch of the race to give it my all.

Pinkie: Seriously, it’s like, a tenth of a mile at best from Sugarcube Corner to the center of town.

Gilda hit the cloud first, then so did I.

Matt: Well that would stand to reason, seeing as how she’s in front.

As I turned around I started to flap my wings as hard as I could.

Matt: The equivalent of a football announcer yelling “He’s running really fast and a guy knocks him down!”

Gilda seemed a bit surprised to see her and I tied for first.

Twilight: Ah, but you were also tied for last, smart guy.

Pinkie: Buuuuurn.

She and I were neck and neck; we were rapidly getting close to the finish line. And then we crossed. I had lost. Gilda had won, she beat me. I hung my head in shame.

Matt: As you should.

“I told you dweeb,” Gilda said panting “I’m the best. Now come on we’re leaving”

Pinkie: So, what, now Gilda owns him?

Matt: Were they racing for pink slips or something?

“No!” someone from the crowd shouted. “He’s not going anywhere.”

Pinkie: “I still have the lease on him until October!”

Out from the crowd walked Rainbow Dash. “It doesn’t matter if he won or loss, he’s still a better friend than you! He staying here in ponyville, you can’t make him leave.”

Twilight: Well, apparently Aero just gave Gilda the title to himself, so I guess she can.

“Keep him then!” yelled Gilda Angrily

Matt: I always wondered if Gilda had a last name.

Pinkie: It suits her, weirdly enough.

“I don’t need him. I’ve proven I’m the best, he’s old news.”

Twilight: Sour grapes much?

She turned to me “you should have come with me dweeb, I could have made you famous.”

Matt: Ponies would have paid good money to see the world’s most whipped stallion.

Pinkie: Her dreams of the sideshow lifestyle were over before they began.

She glanced at Rainbow Dash one last time, before flying away.

I turned away from the group in shame. I didn’t win; I couldn’t even properly impress the girl of my dreams. Rainbow Dash came over to me.

Matt: Walked, strolled, strode, galloped, paced, moved, fluttered, flew, bounced, trotted—ALL of these are words that would have worked in these places, but he keeps going with “came.”

Twilight: And "came" is just wrong, technically.  It's just so... passive.

“What’s the matter?” she said “I just stood up to Gilda for you, so why are you so gloom?”

Twilight: If you didn’t want him to be Gloom, you should have pressed ‘B’ when he started evolving!

Matt: Another Pokemon reference.  I’m impressed, Twi.

“I lost.” I replied “I wanted to win to try and Impress you. I failed you, I’m sorry.”

Twilight: There couldn’t possibly be another way to win a mare!  I’ll just go home now.

She laughed, put her hoof on my face, raised it up, and kissed me. I was surprised,

Matt: Yeah, we are, too.

I wasn’t expecting this. I could feel her tongue in my mouth messaging mine.

Pinkie: Her tongue was all, like, “Hay dood.  A/S/L?”

My reaction was to message her tongue back.

Matt: My tongue was all, like, “do U want 2 cybr?”

She pulled away a little and said

Pinkie: “Kthxbai.”

“I like a guy with confidence. You don’t need to impress me; you just need to be confident.”

Matt: Well, if it were just that easy...

Twilight: *grins sideways at Matt*

And she began to kiss me again, this time more aggressively. I could feel this warm feeling in my heart.

Twilight: That’s called an arrhythmia.

Pinkie: He died and everypony went back to their lives, just remembering that one time that Rainbow was kind enough to make a dying pony happy with a kiss.

Matt: Not even creepy at all.  Nope.

I knew she was that special pony for me.

Pinkie: Because that’s something new.  He’s apparently known that since before he knew there was a difference between colts and fillies.

She pulled away again and said, “come on, there’s a lot of party left for everypony to enjoy. Do you have a place to stay?”

I replied “actually I don’t”

“Well you do know,” she exclaimed “you’re staying at my place. Hope you don’t mind, I’m a bit forward.”

Matt: *grumpily* No shit, you are.

Pinkie: Um... I’m sensing something here.

Twilight: Pinkie Sense?

Pinkie: Nope, just good ol’ intuition.  Anything to admit, Matt?

Matt: No, of course not!  I mean, Dash and I are friends, and I just get mad when stories treat her like this.  Ponies around here aren't sluts, much less Rainbow Dash!

I giggled “ok, but you have to go on a date with me this weekend.”

Pinkie: Because living with her wasn’t respectable enough for you?

She gave a big smile “there’s the confidence I like, you got yourself a deal.” And then we walked back into the party.

I may have lost the race, but I have won the prize.

Matt: The American educational system in one sentence!

All of my hard work has paid off;

Twilight: What hard work?  You sat around doing nothing but idolizing her for ten years and then got in one race, which you lost.

Pinkie: Conflict?  Character growth?  Pathos?  What’re those?

I finally have the pony of my dreams.

Pinkie: This would be better if it were a dream.

After a long night of partying, we went back to Rainbow Dash’s house. Needless to say we explored other pleasures of the flesh.

Matt: If it was needless to say, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE SAID IT!

Twilight: Caaaalm down, Matt.  It’s not actually Rainbow Dash.

Matt: *mutters* So much hate...

I awoke the next day at dawn, noticing my Beautiful rainbow lying asleep next to me. She is everything I could ask for. She is my prize, she is my love. I may have lost that race, but I won the prize: Love.

Twilight: He already said that.

Pinkie: It’s skipping like a broken record!

Matt: Let’s get out of here before anything else starts to repeat!

Luna laughed as the fic faded to black and was replaced by her webcam image.  "Well done!  And thanks to you, Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle, for not abandoning Matt to this fic alone."

Pinkie giggled.  "That was awesome!  That story totally deserved it anyway."

Even Twilight was grinning happily after the experience.  "I wasn’t really sure what to expect at first, but it was very easy to get into!  I might have to do this again sometime—to establish experimental controls, I mean."

"Uh huh," I taunted, tousling her mane in a brotherly sort of way.  "It’s perfectly fine to admit that you just had fun being sarcastic for a while, Twi."

She huffed her mane out of her face and straightened it with a few telekinetic tugs, trying not to laugh.  "Okay, okay, I admit it.  It was fun."

On the screen, Luna nodded in agreement.  "I thought so as well, Twilight, when I assisted Matt on a prior tale."

Pinkie perked up.  "Wait, you did a riff?"

"Indeed!  ‘Twas good fun!"

Twilight stood, shaking her head in amazement as she floated her saddlebags over to herself with her magic.  "Well, I need to get back to the lab.  If you need a partner again, Matt, just let me know."

Pinkie stretched and bounced towards the door.  "I'm out, too.  Gotta go earn that money for all those parties, after all!" she giggled.

I laughed.  "Thanks you two.  I’ll see you around."

The mares left and I closed the door behind them, returning to slouch on the couch.  All of a sudden, the house was almost deathly silent as Luna and I just stared awkwardly at each other through the TV's viewscreen.

"So..." I began.

"Yes?"

"Got any fives?"

-fin-

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