I'm still not sure how my phone worked in Equestria, but I found that the less I questioned such things, the happier I was with my new life.  At any rate, it worked just fine.  So much the worse then, as I listened to my wingmare's bad news from the other end of the line.

"Yeah," I said into the handset.  "Oh man...  No, I get it, it's cool...  No, seriously, you take some time to recoup.  Don't go making things worse or anything like that...  I'll see you when you can get here, no need to rush...  Yeah...  Okay, bye, Rainbow."

I ended the call and slumped slightly on the couch, depressed.  In my state, I hardly even noticed the TV turn on and Luna wandered in from off-screen.

"Good day to you, Sir Matt!"

"Yeah, hi, Luna," I replied, distracted.  "Hey, don't you think by now that you can just call me 'Matt'?"

Equestria's ruler hesitated.  "I suppose, though I admit I am still not used to the lack of decorum you show me.  I do not feel it holds to the proper standards of punishment.  You are not intended to enjoy this, after all."

I rolled my eyes.  "Yeah, that must be why you gave me this house to live in.  Come on, we're buddies, aren't we?"

"I—Are we "buddies?"  She stared at me, considering the never-before considered notion.

"Yup," I replied.  "Totally."

Luna beamed happily.  "How wonderful!  I have never before had a "buddy."  What manner of things do "buddies" normally do?"

I kept my face nonchalant.  "Oh, hang out, watch movies, not make each other riff horrible stories..."

"Oh ho!" the Princess laughed.  "I have indeed seen what thou hast attempted.  Well played."

I folded my arms grumpily.  "Worth a shot..."

" Where is thy compatriot, Rainbow Dash?"

"I just talked to her," I sighed, unhappily relaying my recent call.  "The Wonderbolts called her up to Cloudsdale to train a rookie, and the idiot misread a maneuver, spun out, and got them both injured.  He washed out of the team, and she got a dislocated hip and sprained wing from the landing.  She'll be in the hospital for two days and laid up in her house for another two weeks before she can even fly down to Ponyville again."

Luna winced.  "How terrible.  We must remember to send her a card at least."

"You're not wrong."  I scratched at my hair, distractedly.  "So she's stuck at home for all of that time, and no performance flying for at least a month."  I threw a pointed look at Luna.  "And since I'm stuck here, I'm assuming this isn't merely a social call?"

The alicorn looked chagrined, her ears falling to the sides solemnly.  "Indeed, I do have yet another chapter for you to tackle, but I do not know that I feel right in giving it to you without a companion..."

I shrugged.  "Well, I mean, sure it's bad, but it's not, like, that bad."

Luna's ears perked up as she smiled.  "Perhaps I have a solution.  I believe one of the tenants of a "buddy" is that they are to "have your back" when times are difficult.  And since we are now buddies, I shall assist you!"

"Woah, wait.  What?"

I flinched and cried out as a blinding flash bored its way into my eyes.  I rubbed furiously at them, swearing constantly under my breath, and opened them again to see Luna on the couch beside me.

The alicorn cheered happily as the doors and windows activated, clicking shut.  "Huzzah!  Let us begin!"

"Oh sweet Harmony," I moaned.  "Luna, you do know what you're getting into, right?"

Her reckless grin was infectious.  "Only the barest notions, Matt, but we shall prevail nonetheless!"

In its typical place, the story klaxon blared out its typical wash of light.

Luna practically jumped with glee.  "THE STORY SIGN ACTIVATES!"

"Here goes nothing..." I muttered.

~Golden Oaks Library, Ponyville~

Luna: So, what do I do?

Matt: It's easy, just watch and learn.

Rainbow Dash stared down in shock in what she heard.  She didn’t want to believe it, but here she was, an Alicorn who would have to rule over the Pegasi.

Matt: Always good to see the notion of free will getting kicked in the head.

She wanted to be angry at her parents for keeping it a secret from her, but they made her happy, so she couldn’t be mad at them, nor at Celestia or Dr. Bandage.

Matt: If she wants to be a good political leader, she'd better get used to the idea of blaming someone.

Luna: *gasps*  Such cynicism!  Do political dealings in your world follow such patterns?

Matt: Generally, yes, but it's more sarcasm than cynicism.  It's how riffing works, Luna.  Now come on; you're a freaking troll, I know you've got a sarcastic side.  Give it a shot!

“I’m sure that this is a lot to take in,” Celestia said, cutting Rainbow Dash’’s thought.

Luna: Um, oh!  Okay.  "It would take weeks for such a cut to heal."  How was that?

Matt: Not bad!  Just let it roll naturally, and boost the snarkiness.

“But we had to do it, so you would know how the real world works when you became queen,”

Matt: Something the previous ruler failed to grasp at all, and what did it get him?

“I guess so, but Celestia, I wonder something?” Rainbow Dash asked.

Luna: Just one thing?

“What is it?”

Matt: "Why do they call it a flea market when you don't buy fleas?"

“What is this fourth magic Wind Chaser sensed in me?”

Luna: She has raised an excellent point, actually.

The sun princess smiled, “I think you know what it is, you used it to stop Nightmare Moon and Discord,”

Matt: A wild Deus Ex Magica appears!

Luna: What is that?

Matt: Right.  You're getting an education, too, as soon as this is over.  Internets for everypony!

Rainbow Dash’s eyes widened in realization.

“You mean-”

“Yes Rainbow Dash, the Element of Loyalty,” Celestia answered.

Matt: Laaaaaaame.

Luna: To claim that revelation as "underwhelming" fails to do it due service, I think.

“Wow, I guess that makes me the most awesome Alicorn, I can’t wait to tell everypony that, but I am going to have to decline, since I have a job, and friends,” Rainbow Dash boasted.

Matt: It amuses me how Rainbow can't seem to decide if she's a self-absorbed braggart or a humble, damaged flower.

Luna:  I am noting quite a number of grammatical errors thus far.  Is such a thing common?

Matt: You kinda start overlooking them after a while.  You have to, or else your brain tries to escape out your ear.

Celestia and the mayors stared at each other in with uneasy looks.

Matt: "In with." You know what?  "Uneasy" isn't scared or happy, so I'll accept it.

“Rainbow Dash, you are going to be Queen of the Pegasi,” Celestia said.

Luna: My sister wouldst never force such a burden on another pony!  Neither wouldst I!

Matt: What about Twilight becoming an alicorn?

Luna: She performed that act herself, my sister's place was merely to help her decide her own path after the fact.

The rainbow Alicorn turned to the princess with a disbelieving look.

“But don’t I have a choice?”

Matt: *waves his hands* THE POWER OF THE PLOT COMPELS YOU!  THE POWER OF THE PLOT COMPELS YOU!

“No, you don’t.  Once the king or queen chooses one to rule, they must become the next ruler, it is a law that must be held,” Celestia answered.

Luna: Such a law is hardly enforceable at best, and shamefully cruel at worst.

Matt: Are we talking about pegasi rulers or Obamacare?  OH SNAP, YES I JUST WENT THERE!

Luna: *stares* Humans are so odd...

Rainbow Dash looked back down, her emotions being masked behind the unseen face.

Luna: Unseen face?  Was Rainbow veiled in some manner?

Matt: AHHHHH!  It's Slenderpony!

“So I have no right to decline it,”

“I’m afraid not,”

“This is bull-shit!” Rainbow Dash yelled,

Matt: She speaks for us all!

she stood on the bed, her wings flared, her horn glowing with magenta magic, and her face concerted in pure rage.

Luna: Is there a meaning for "concerted" that I am not familiar with?

Matt: No, I think he meant "contorted."  The author's just not familiar with the word.  Or, honestly, most words.

Everypony stepped back from the Alicorn, afraid that Rainbow Dash would attack them.

Luna: Why would they assume that?  Is she not an Element of Harmony and a hero of Equestria in this story?

Matt: The first casualty of badfic is logic, Luna.  The author will bend reality itself to fit his plot, no matter how poorly thought-out it may be.

“Please calm down Rainbow Dash, I know that you are mad, but you have to understand that this law was placed by the first King of the Pegasi,” Celestia said, the two mayors were hiding behind the Alicorn princess.

Matt: You know, I hate to harp on this again, but why doesn't Celestia just, you know, overrule the king who she outranks?

“Calm down!?  You want me to fucking calm down!?” Rainbow Dash yelled, her mane was now crackling with electricity.

Luna: What significance does that word have in your world?

Matt: It's a naughty word for naughty ponies.  Cover your ears, Luna.

Luna: *blusters*  I—you—I am thousands of years older than—

Matt: Shh, shh... *pats Luna on the shoulder* Hush and enjoy the pain.

Everypony stared at her in shock and fear.  Shock that the Rainbow Dash was swearing, something that was highly frowned upon,

Luna: Swearing?  That warrants nothing less than banishment!

Matt: Harsh, but fair.

and afraid that the Alicorn could do with her magic, since she never used it before.

Matt: If only there were, oh, I dunno, another highly powerful alicorn around who could protect everypony from such an outburst.

Luna: *giggles* This story, 'tis highly absurd.

But out of all of them, the ones most hurt by it were Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie.

Matt: Typecast much?

Fluttershy was silently crying behind Applejack, she could not believe that her first friend, would do say such hurtful things.

Luna: Does this word have such significance in your world as well?

Matt: Bluntly?  No.  You'd figure that if they know what the word is that they'd know it isn't quite the world-shattering invective it's portrayed as here.

Pinkie Pie was tearing up, and her poofy mane was flat, even she knew with all her universe bending powers, she could not cheer up her friend.

Matt: Yet another instance of merely taking a response or act directly from the show without trying to understand it's significance.

Luna: Pinkie would not react thus?

Matt: Not even close.  The last time that happened it was due to her abandonment issues, not just mere sadness.  Pinkie wouldn't fold like a cheap hotel bedsheet just because Dash was unhappy.

Rainbow Dash turned her attention to the two mayors behind Celestia.  “Now tell me, why are you two here!?”

Matt: "Nopony told us why!"

Luna: "We were told there would be cake!"

“W-well you s-see Q-Q-Queen Rainbow Dash, w-we w-w-w-were sent t-to c-convince y-y-you to rule in e-either L-L-Las Pegasus or C-C-Cloudsdale,” the mayor of Cloudsdale stuttered.

Luna: Clearly, this may only be solved by the two mayors engaging in a duel.

This made something in Rainbow Dash snap,

Matt: Which is quite a trick with no thumbs.

“So you were going to take me away from my friends!?  Well that is not going to happen!”

With that said, the rainbow Alicorn’s horn flashed a bright magenta, causing everpony in the room to shield their eyes.  When they removed their hooves, they saw that Rainbow Dash was gone.

Matt: Luna, how many years of study does it take to learn teleporting?

Luna: Almost a dozen, typically.  Twilight Sparkle was one of the very few exceptions to that rule.

Matt: Thought so.

“Wh-What happened?” Rarity asked, looking around nervously.

“She teleported, but that not possible, she doesn’t even know how to use magic!” Twilight exclaimed, trying her best to wrap her head around the fact that her friend teleported.

Luna: Well clearly it is possible, Twilight, because it just happened.  Honestly, it is as if Celestia and I have taught you nothing...

“When a Unicorn or Alicorn gets enraged, they can do things they never thought they could do,” Celestia answered.

Matt: Really?  Where was that during the Changeling attack on Canterlot?

Luna: *winces* I believe ponies these days refer to that as a "burn."

“Where do you think Rainbow teleported to?” Applejack asked worried for her friend.

“I’m guessing that she’s around Ponyville; the magic she used was not powerful enough to send her far,” Celestia guessed.

Matt: Making Up Rules As We Go: The Movie

“Okay, let’s find her girl,” Twilight said, the others nodded and ran out of the library.

Luna: The others would have followed her instead of running out, but she only asked for one girl, after all.

~Sugercube Corner Entrance, Ponyville~

Matt: Needlessly specific...

A bright light appeared, then disappeared to reveal a panting Rainbow Dash.  Her horn was sparking and she was sweating.

Matt: Again, everypony caught up now?

          "That took too much out of me, but I can't let them find me, and fortunately, the only place they can't reach me is my house,” Rainbow Dash said to herself.

Luna: Wait, I am confused.  Who exactly is not capable of reaching her at her home?

Matt: Yeah, because obviously neither Celestia nor the leaders of two pegasus cities would be able to fly or anythingGODTHISISSODUMB!!

She spread her wings and took to the air, but instantly regretted it when she felt pain in her body.

Luna: I am beginning to know how she feels...

“Ow, I guess magic does more than just leaving you exhausted,” she thought to herself.

Matt: Is she casting from hit points or something?  Is her mana pool low?  Does it damage her?

Luna: *summons a cherry tart and munches on it* Nope, I didn't lose any internal organs by utilizing magic.  I cannot say what she did wrong.

Rainbow Dash landed on her porch and went into her house, in hopes to rest,

Matt: Ooookay, guess it didn't really hurt that bad, then.

but she saw herself in the mirror, and instantly got angry.

Matt: "I told the mane stylist medium bangs!"

Luna: "Hey!  That pony owes me money!"

Matt: *falls off the couch laughing* Oh, jeez, oh—that’s too good.  Oh man, I'm telling that one to Rainbow when she gets back...

“Stupid Alicorn blood, stupid laws, and stupid royalty,” Rainbow Dash fumed, walking away from the mirror.

Rainbow Dash was angrier than she has ever felt before.  

Matt: A whole THREE stupid's worth of angry-ness.

How could the mayors, and Celestia herself, say that she couldn't turn it down.

Luna: I had heard the others speak of the elusive "ninja comma," is this a "ninja question mark?"

Matt: If we knew, it would already be too late.

She had every right to, but no, it was the law, and she had to follow it.

Matt: Does nopony understand how royalty works?

She stomped her hoof on a nearby table, causing a huge hole in it.

Luna: How does one "cause" a hole?

Matt: It's some high-level chaos theory stuff, Luna.  Better to not question it.

Why couldn't her parents say no to this when she was born, and how dare they keep it a secret.

Matt: They were hoping Nicholas Cage would make National Treasure 3 about it?

Looking outside, she decided to do the most reckless thing she would ever do,

Luna: She would finally attempt Pinkie Pie's "eat a bowl of sugar in 60 seconds" challenge.

she ran out of her house and took to the air, her eyes set on Cloudsdale, and her parents, tonight she would get answers.

Matt: "How many licks does it take to get to the center of the Tootsie Roll Tootsie pop?  HOW MANY?  TELL ME, DAMN YOU!"

~Golden Oaks Library Entrance, Ponyville~

Luna: Once again, everypony seems to be crammed into just the doorway.  That seems quite awkward and uncomfortable.

Everypony stared at each other, all of them with worried looks on their faces.

Matt: ALL of them heard the fart, and nopony was confessing...

“Did any of you find Rainbow Dash!?” Twilight exclaimed, getting a shake from all of them.

Luna: All of that shaking could give Twilight a concussion.

Matt: See?  I knew you would get the hang of this!  You're a natural, Luna!

“I hope she isn’t hurt,” Fluttershy commented quietly.

“This is bad, if Queen Rainbow Dash doesn’t come back, the Pegasus Council will have our heads,” the mayor of Las Pegasus said, shaking in fear.

Matt: Does the council outrank the Queen, too?

Luna: You seem... fixated on this point...

Matt: NOT.  LETTING IT.  GO.

“So that is the most important thing for y’all, to save your own flank?” Applejack asked, glaring at the two mayors, who ended up backing up.

Matt: "No disassemble Johnny Five!"

“Applejack please calm down, yelling at them won’t help,” Twilight said, putting her hoof on the apple farmers back.

“Sorry Twi, I’m just worried about Rainbow Dash,”

“We all are darling, we all are,” Rarity said, a sad look in her eyes.

Matt: We're all just so darling, aren't we?

Luna: Commas are important.

“Ah hope Rainbow Dash isn’t going to do something that she will regret,”  Applejack said.

Luna: Spend her life's savings on Wonderbolt trading cards?

Matt: Appear in a Michael Bay film?

Luna: Attempt Pinkie Pie's "eat a bowl of sugar in 60 seconds" challenge?

“Don’t worry, she won’t do something like that,” Twilight reassured, she turned back to the group with a determined look on her face.

“Now let’s continue our search,”

~Dash Household, Cloudsdale~

Aurora Dash was staring at one of the pictures she held in her hooves; the picture was a filly Rainbow Dash on her 9th birthday; she was blowing out the candles while Spectrum Dash was seen singing “happy birthday”.

Matt: Uh oh, that song's under copyright.  Luna, how good are Equestria’s lawyers?

Luna: I can't say that we are accustomed to many copyright cases.

Aurora wiped a tear from her eye, seeing the pictures that were laid out on the floor reminded her that Rainbow Dash was no longer the Pegasus she loved, but now Alicorn royalty.

"Aurora, is something wrong?" Spectrum asked, appearing behind his wife.

Matt: Aww, see, he didn't read the script from last chapter like his wife did.

“No, I was just looking at some pictures of our little filly,” Aurora answered, trying her best to wipe her tears away, but this did not go unnoticed by Spectrum.

“Aurora, I know that you are upset, but we knew that this was coming (even though we wished it didn’t),” Spectrum said, whispering the last part to himself.

Luna: How does one speak in parentheses?

Matt: It's a lazy thing.  Narrative is a foreign word to this author.

“I just hope she decides to visit us before she leaves us forever,”

Luna: Since it would appear that visiting ponies is against the rules or something for royalty.

Spectrum just stared at his wife with a sad expression, but there time together would be cut short by a slamming on the door.

Matt: That's like knocking, or even pounding, but not.

“I’ll get it,” Spectrum walked to the door and opened it, his eyes widened and his mouth gaped open at the sight that befell him.  His daughter, Rainbow Dash, was at his door, as an Alicorn.

Matt: Okay, time out.  Stop the fic, Luna.

Luna: What seems to be the problem, Matt?

Matt: It's time to double down.  If I can call this next conversation, you have to give me the option of not doing any more of it.

Luna: Interesting idea.  Let me hear your hypothesis.

Matt: *clears his throat and counts off on his fingers* Okay then.  Rainbow is 1) gonna bitch and moan to her parents, who will 2) protest that they did the best they could, didn't have a choice in the matter, but she still can't refuse, 3) because of asinine rules and the good of ponykind or some shit like that- DESPITE the fact that the King/Queen literally does nothing.  And, 4) the whole thing will be resolved by a loophole that doesn't make any freaking sense.

Luna: ...  Well, let us see how your prognostication plays out.

“Rainbow, what are you doing here?” Spectrum asked, not even noticing his daughters enraged expression.

Luna: Powers of observation don't go far in this story.

“I’ll tell you why I’m here!  I’m here to find out why you didn’t tell King Wind Chaser that I shouldn’t be queen!” Rainbow Dash yelled,

Matt: *holds up one finger* That's one...

her tone just a few decibel short of the Royal Canterlot Voice, but it still had the same effect as Spectrum was forced back.

Luna: Writers seem to think that the Royal Voice comes naturally to alicorns.  I must say it does not.

Matt: Cadance never learned it?

Luna: Her attempts were quite humorous.

“Please Rainbow, you must understand, we tried our best to stop it, but he wouldn’t hear it,”

Matt: *grunts irritably and holds up fingers two and three*

Spectrum tried to reason with the Alicorn before him, but it was not working.

“Well you should have tried harder!”

Matt: What was the King gonna do, throw you in jail?  How many levels of bureaucracy would he have to go through first?

“Rainbow Marian Dash!  You shouldn’t yell at your father like that,”

Luna: "Marian?"

Matt: Because inserting random human names into ponyfic makes so much sense.  Especially when they're misspelled.

Rainbow Dash recognized the voice, only one pony called her with her middle name, and it was her mother.

Luna: Every time there's the slightest bit of drama or suspense, the story comes along to defuse the tension for us.

She turned to her mother, who looked at her with stern eyes, ready to discipline the Alicorn.

Matt: "You aren't too big to put over my knee, missy!"

“Why shouldn’t I, it is because of you two that I can no longer live in Ponyville,

Matt: Says who?

I can’t join the Wonderbolts anymore!

Matt: Says who?

And most importantly I... I...,” Rainbow shouted, but when she was getting to the last part of her sentence, her posture broke with her shaking, and fighting back tears.

“I can’t see my friends and you anymore!”

Matt: SAYS WHO?!  I swear to Harmony, this fic pulls more things out of its ass th— *jumps as he's cuffed in the back of the head by Luna* Ow!

Luna: Mind thy language around a Princess.

Rainbow Dash cried out, her tears now flowing out.  She ran to her mother and hugged her, crying into her shoulder.

Aurora hugged her sobbing daughter back, petting her mane.  “It’s okay Rainbow Dash; just let it all out,”

“I-(hic) - I can’t be a-(hic)-a queen, I don’t-(hic)-even know how to-(hic)-act like one,” Rainbow Dash continued to sob, her throat was starting to hurt, but she didn’t care, she just wanted to be in her mother's embrace.

Matt: I just can't buy this.  From what we've seen in the story, all a King or Queen ever does is follow whatever stupid rules were in place before they got there.  She could do anything in her spare time.  This seems like it should be the greatest thing ever to happen to Rainbow Dash.

Spectrum walked up to the two and put his hoof on his daughters shoulder.

“Rainbow Dash, believe me, this is not what we wanted, your mother and I tried our best, but Wind Chaser made it clear that he wanted you to rule in his place, but at least you can choose where you want to live,” Spectrum said, trying to look at the positive side.

Matt: Aaaand there we have it, people: the un-foreshadowed and nonsense loophole to save the day.  Game, set, match.  Can I please quit this stupid story now, Luna?

Luna: I will admit, this story proceeds at a most predictable pace, and is not all that entertaining.

Matt: It's worse than just formulaic; it's boring.  There’s not a worse crime for a story than that.

Luna: Hmmm...  Very well, but don't think this is the end of your penance, human.  Let us await an ending point before we stop.

Rainbow Dash’s eyes widened in realization at what her father said it was true; she could live where she wanted.  The mayors of Cloudsdale and Las Pegasus were only there to convince her to move to one of the two cities, but she remembered that Queen Surprise ruled from the city of Moose Jaw.

Luna: Where is that?

Matt: Canada.  Ponies live in freaking Canada.  That's it, I'm out.

Luna: I admit that I, too, have had enough of this.

Luna leaned back against the couch, nodding in a satisfied way.  "Well, Matt, I am glad I experienced that with you."

I snorted.  "You're kidding, right?  How could you possibly have enjoyed that?"

"Well, for one, I did enjoy our camaraderie.  It appears to me that we made an adequate pairing to combat such a story as this, even without the aid of our eponymous character, Rainbow Dash."

I grunted in agreement.  "Well, you're not wrong.  You seemed to catch on pretty quickly, Princess."

She grinned evilly at me.  "Besides, I now know what sort of story will be more effective to punish you with in the future."

"Awesome," I sighed.  "I get stories that are even more painful AND you got to practice your sarcasm.  My stay in Equestria just keeps getting better..."

Luna smirked.  "That is all for the future to decide, in any case.  I do believe that you had mentioned something about education a bit earlier.  Might I ask just what it is that you propose to teach a Princess who is several millennia old?"

I gave her a wide, shit-eating grin of my own.  I ushered the Princess of the Night over to my computer desk, opened up my prized laptop, and navigated my web browser to display the TV Tropes web page for Luna's perusal.

She shifted eagerly in the seat.  "Oh?  What’s this?"

I just chuckled.  "You enjoy that, Luna.  You just enjoy that."

-fin-

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