Author's Notes:

This story was written for PANIC! AT THE BISTRO! number... shit I actually don't even know anymore. Write time was 23 minutes, with 5 minutes to edit/cry. Minimum word count was 250. Prompt was "Fourth Best".

So this was... I have no idea why, a sort of sequel/side story to Spike is a Toilet which I highly recommend you NOT TO READ. Just... accept the fact that sometimes I write stuff because I think it's funny, other times I find it curious.

And then there are those moments where I'm on the shitter, laptop on a wobbly TV tray and crying to myself while I nurse a bottle of whiskey. This is one of those moments.

When Starlight was called for a “friendship emergency”, she was at first curious as to why her cutie mark hadn’t started glowing or vibrating. Either one of those would have surely woken Trixie beside her, although not even the knocking of the carriage door had woken the magician.

And then she was surprised to see Twilight standing there, nervous with a pleading look upon her face. She only said two words before dragging Starlight, and by connection due to intense cuddles, Trixie, with her into the Friendship Castle.

“So, you need me why?” Starlight asked.

“Because the ponies the map actually summoned are busy.”

“Too busy for a friendship emergency? The thing that should literally be making their butts vibrate and heat up?”

Twilight was silent for a moment.

“Eeeeyyyyup.”

“Yeah, I don’t buy that.”

Trixie chose that moment to awaken with a large yawn. “Starlight? Where are we?”

“In the castle. There’s apparently an emergency Twilight needed me with for… some reason.”

“Oh.”

“Well, I didn’t really need you, but you were the most convenient.”

Starlight raised a brow.

“Alright! You were my fourth pick!”

“Yeah, not even surprised by that.” Starlight let out a sigh. “Alright, so what is it?”

“Okay, so I need you to save Spike.”

Starlight’s ears shot up. “Save Spike? From what?”

“Well, remember when he got turned into a toilet a while back? And then he was the only toilet around?”

“Yeah, pretty sure everypony does. Wait… what are you saying?”

“He’s clogged.”

Silence.

“Oh ew, that’s gross,” Trixie said, then promptly walked away.

“Wait, Trixie, come back! I might need your help!”

“Yeah, no, sorry Starlight, you’re on your own with this one.”

They watched as Trixie’s tail disappeared around the corner. Starlight turned back to her ex-mentor.

“Okay, so why do I need to do this? Why can’t you?”

“I tried.”

“Okay, how about-”

“I’ve tried several, but nopony’s magic has been strong enough.”

“Strong… oh no. When you say he’s clogged…”

----------

“You know, I’m honestly not sure what I expected.”

Starlight and Twilight stood before Rarity, who had both of her rear hooves shoved into Spike the Toilet’s bowl, his tongue waving around uselessly.

“Hello, darling. This is not what it-”

“Yes it is, and you should feel reeeeeal bad about it,” Starlight said as she stepped into the bathroom.

“Well excuse me if I’m only trying to help my poor Spikey-Wikey.”

“By shoving your hooves down his throat? Or well, bowl. Whatever!?” Starlight screamed.

“It seemed like the best time, honestly,” Twilight added.

“I just didn’t think I’d clog him so badly,” Rarity said.

Spike splashed his tongue around.

“Alright, so what do I need to do? Just pull?” Starlight asked.

“Yes, but carefully. Twilight tried and nearly uprooted Spike from the floor.”

“Wait, I thought you needed somepony stronger?” Starlight turned to Twilight.

“Well, my raw power is stronger, but you’re more…”

“Finesse,” Rarity insisted.

“Yes! Thank you.”

“Uh, no not really. But sure, I’m here, so what the hell.”

Starlight, using her magic, pulled gingerly on Rarity’s forelegs, and with some extra wiggle from Spike’s tongue, was able to free her.

“Okay, so that wasn’t so bad. I’m now going to forever regret my life decisions.”

“Wait, Starlight, he’s still clogged!”

“What?”

“Yes,” Twilight started, “that’s why Rarity was here in the first place. She tried, and got stuck. So you need to try and get out the clog.”

“Urg, fine!”

Starlight’s magic flared, and as she dug into Spike’s bowl and started plumbing, she noticed something hard blocking the passage.

“This is so groooooss,” Starlight wined.

“There there, darling, if I could shove my hooves in there, you can do this with your magic.”

“I can feel it in my horn. It’s horrible.”

Twilight rested a comforting wing across the mare’s back. After a few more minutes, Starlight finally had the clog coming free, and began to draw it back out.

“What… is this?” Starlight said through gritted teeth.

“We’re not sure,” Twilight admitted. “I just know when I went to use the potty, Spike was spilling up everywhere.”

“That’s gross. At least you mopped it up.”

Rarity and Twilight looked to each other, then down to the tacky floor.

“OH COME ON YOU TWO!”

“It was in the heat of the moment! Sorry!” Rarity stormed out to find cleaning supplies.

“Urg, fine, whatever, I think I just about got it.”

Spike continued to gurgle, waving his tongue about.

“By Celestia’s left teat Spike, you’re gross.”

Rarity returned, and at last Starlight, with one final huff, pulled out the clog.

“What…” Starlight stared at the wooden shoe.

“Oh look at that, it’s a single Clog!”

“And it’s one of mine!” Rarity added.

Starlight proceeded to beat the shit out of both mares with the still wet, dripping, and fecal covered shoe.