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JOUST

by Sir Hat

Chapter 1: CHARGE


I ran my hand along Celestia's side. "...So...you've had armor this whole time?" I asked, running my fingers under the metal plates and rubbing withers. "It looks good." I patted her flank, causing her back leg to lift and the metal plates to clank. "...Seriously?"

Celestia turned her head to me, "Mmmphmpphmm!" She mumbled, her head stuck in an armet, her mane pulled through into a flowing ponytail. "...Mpghpm...." She lifted and hoof and raised her visor, bright magenta eyes a bit dilated. "Able...I'm allowed to have fun. You can sit out if you want!" She shouted, trotting back and forth.

I shrugged. "I just want to make sure I'm not gonna get murdered in some fake ass fight!" I patted Celestia's platemail sides. She was fidgeting like mad and fanning herself with her wings. Her helmet continually flipped up and down, clattering against her chin guard each time. "That helmet though...isn't it a bit ho--"

"It's unbelievably hot." Celestia stated, her chin guard sill covering up to her lower lip. "All of this is, but Luna and I get rather physical when we do this." She shifted to the side, her metal clad hooves digging up the dry dirt of the jousting lists. "It's going to be interesting with someone riding, but at least I don't actually have to worry about the lance."

I took a deep breath, looking across the massive lanes towards Luna. "So...why do you guys do this? I mean...it seems a bit old school."

Celestia nodded, accidentally slamming her visor down. "Mph-- It's fun, running full tilt, slamming into each other and clashing like ponies did in the old ages! And it's great for settling arguments."

I rubbed my mouth, my thick leather gloves rough against my lips. "Sounds like an analogy for lesbian stuff...."

Celestia glared at me, a dull yellow glow shining through the slits in her helmets. "She's my sister...."

I shrugged. "And? You always talk about being alive for thousands of years! You're telling me you two never fooled around!?"

Celestia shifted about, carefully lowering her helmet before she could start to blush. "Mpphm...."

"That's what I thought." I mumbled, finding my helmet and grabbing my lance. "Now, how is this gonna go down?"

Celestia shook her head, stretching her legs as far as she could. "Mmph--" She tore her helmet off with her magic, tossing it angrily to the ground. "I don't need you!" She shouted at the top half of the helmet. "Anyways...just...hold the lance still and try not to fall off." She lowered herself to the ground, folding her legs and settling in. "Now let's go! Luna bet me thirty bits she'd win...."

I leaned against the lance, "Don't you- don't you make the money? How is thirty bits worth knocking someone out for!?" I laughed, slowly pulling my helmet on. I was dressed up in some imported armor, just for the occasion. "You run the country!"

Celestia glared at me, blushing softly. "It's a matter of principle...."

I scoffed and climbed onto Celestia's back. "Sure- whoa there!" I held onto her armor, she was about the size of a normal horse, and a decent bit bigger than the other ponies. "Jesus- whoa!"

Celestia shook her body, nearly throwing me off her side. "I said hold on!" She barked, growing more and more forceful as things kicked off. "I'm not losing this...."

"Christ...calm down, it's not a big--"

"Since Luna's been back, she's won every time! We've done this ten times, and I'm tired of losing!" Celestia shouted, slamming her hoof down. "I want this!"

I held on as Celestia pranced about the starting point. "Well...alright then. Call your man to come sort this--"

Celestia laughed loudly. "Man!? You're not even a stallion!" Celestia snapped, breaking her usually calm demeanor to bits and replacing it with a fiery lancer passion. "You're just more mobile than a lance harness!"

I held on as Celestia pranced eagerly. "Take it easy!" I held onto Celestia's neck, barely able to keep the lance from digging into the dirt. "Celestia calm the hell down!"

"No you calm down!" She snapped, prancing in place, "I want to win this time!"

"Well then why'd you bring me!?" I hoisted the lance up, resting it on her neck. "I don't know shit about lances!"

Celestia shook her head. "You said you rode horses! I've seen your Earth horses, they're close enough!" She snorted angrily, "And Luna hired someone to help her, it's only fair I use someone who knows how to ride...so get ready!"

I shifted around as Celestia got into position. "Shouldn't you be wearing a helmet or something?"

"Lances ready!" A small crier pony screamed.

"Oh god- what do I do!?" I screamed, trying to sit on Celestia's back.

Celestia reared up, stomping her forelegs. "Sit, aim the lance and hold the shield! Aim for Luna's rider, okay!?"

I looked around, carefully raising the shield bolted onto my arm. "You sit me up here, put me in some freaking armor, give me a lance and you expect me to know what to do!?"

"Ready!?" The officiator reared up. "Joust!" She yelped, slamming her hooves down and ringing a loud bell.

In a flash Celestia bolted, zooming along with me struggling to keep from flying off her ass. "OOooooh my gooood!" I screamed, holding on for dear life and trying to keep the lance aimed at the steel clad rider Luna was carrying. It felt surreal, charging on the back of a magical princess, about to clash head to head with a black knight astride a lunar pony. The lance tucked under my arm, the medieval helmet on my head, it was all too much.

I started screaming like an idiot. "Fucking aaaaaaahaah! Woooooo!" Things went calm and clear as we rocketed towards each other, Celestia's mane flowing around my leg as she charged ahead, her hooves beating hard and tearing up the track. I was a god astride a sun princess, charging against the current evil.

Then in a flash, my body yanked back. My right arm stopped while the rest of me continued on at a breakneck pace. The lance was ripped from my hands as another glancing hit nearly broke my arm. I dropped the lance, holding on as a loud thud sounded behind us. I held onto Celestia's neck, the scent of oranges and berry shampoo wafting from her pony-tailed mane.

Celestia ran to the end of the list, sliding to a stop and spinning around. "I won!? We won!? Yes, yes, yeeees!" Celestia cheered, turning to face Luna's fallen rider and Luna herself. "I won, this time, I won!" She cried, lifting her head up and flipping her mane over her neck. She pranced daintily over to Luna, her rider rubbing his shoulder.

I felt numb, the grazing lance sending me into a slight shock. "Oh my god...that was, fucking awesome!" I shouted, slowly and sloppily dropping down from Celestia's side. I plopped down in the dust, rolling backwards and scrambling to my feet. "That was so--"

I stopped dead as I spotted something shiny and white in the dust. Celestia started gloating at Luna, getting in her face and acting like a massive child. "Um...Celestia-" I picked up the severed horn, looking over the cleanly shattered horn. "...Celestia...your--"

"Able be quiet!" She snapped, "Wait!" She ran over, slamming lips first into my cheek. "Thank you!" She chirped, still prancing in place. "We won we won we--" I cut her off, holding her severed horn up. She froze, shooting a hoof up to her horn and patting her stump. "...Wait...Not again!" She screamed, pushing me back. "Again, really!? I don't-AAhhhhh!"

I left her to her screaming and spazming, slowly walking over towards Luna. She lifted her visor, helping her rider upright. "Able, salutations!"

I waved, Celestia's horn still in my palm. "Uh...hi." I looked over to the downed rider. "You alright?"

The rider nodded, rubbing his arm and walking off. "I'm gonna go...lay down."

Luna smiled, stretching her legs. "So, the Sun prevails this--" She spotted the horn in my hand, covering her mouth with a hoof and snickering. "Perhaps not."

Celestia continued to scream obscenities, stomping her hooves and bucking the air. I took a few steps away, standing beside Luna. "Hey...so...these things grow back, right?"

Luna looked down at the horn. "In time, but for now I think it doesn't matter." She poked a metal covered hoof towards Celestia. "A Pyrrhic victory, it would seem."

I shrugged, dumping the broken horn in Luna's neck guard. "Eh...I'll take her to dinner, she'll--"

"I don't want dinner!" Celestia snapped, running over. "I want- I- carrots!" She yelped, pushing past me. "Somepony get me carrots!" She trotted off towards the nearest door into the Castle, lifting her hooves high with each step.

I rubbed my shoulder, a bit off put by her sudden rudeness. "Carrots?"

Luna continued to giggle. "Carrots are comfort food." She turned towards the castle, "I think perhaps you should find a different place to sleep, lest you be thrown out a window."

I laughed nervously. "She...she wouldn't really do that, would she?"

Luna stopped and rolled her hoof. "You share a bedroom, yes?"

"Yes...."

Luna nodded, "Then she may. Joust nights are rather aggressive. Emotions are high, energy is high, ponies are sent to the dungeon and Celestia eats a crate of carrots."

I scratched my head. "Oh...so...is it okay if I room with you?"

Luna smiled but shook her head. "I am entertaining a suitor, apologies."

I scratched my head, stretching out my arms. "...Maybe I can like...stand still in the courtyard, pretend to be a statue."

"I am doubtless Celestia would gladly turn you into a statue if you wished!" Luna chirped stretching out her wings.

I shook my head. "...I could make a joke about her making me hard...but I'd rather not be turned to stone, or...whatever those things are."

Author's Notes:

Might get a funny sequel if this goes well.

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