“Aaaaaand here we are!” Applejack clomped her mug down on the table, freshly emptied, and belched. “Pardon me. Anyway, only one pony left, and that’s you Pinkie Pie. I’m sure it’ll be a showstopper.”

“The best for last! A classic storytelling technique. I can’t wait!” squeed Twilight, clapping her hooves.

“Oh, you sure can’t! It’s got action, adventure, at least two explosions, the other kind of action…” gushed Pinkie, waggling her eyebrows salaciously.

“And hopefully a bit of romance, right darling?” asked Rarity.

“Sure! It’s got all kinds of romance. Maybe even some bromance!”

Everypony at the table chuckled and settled in. “Alright Pinkie,” said Rainbow. “Show us all how it’s done!”

“Ok! Here we go!”

The circle of ponies looked on expectantly.

“Right. So…”

Were they just imagining things, or did Pinkie seem a little nervous..? Nah, couldn’t be. She just hadn’t gotten going yet.

“But…Hrmm. Where to begin?” Pinkie rubbed a hoof against her chin. “Aha! It all started a long time ago.” Pinkie spread her arms wide. “In a faraway land. You might even say it’s a tale as old as time, with a song as old as rhyme!”

See? There she goes.

The Dread Pirate Pie watched eagerly as her mighty vessel, the Saltwater Taffy, slid up against its latest victim. Her target was a freighter, surely laden with booty, and Pie would have it! All the booty would be hers tonight! She considered inventing a call for this sort of situation, some sort of…booty call…but that could wait till the ‘morrow! For now, she had booty to pillage!

“Avast, me hearties and scalawags and other pirate-people! Prepare to board that thar vessel!” bellowed Captain Pie, waving a totally cool saber around. Seriously, aren’t sabers the best? They’re all curved and stuff!

The Dread Pie leapt to the deck as the ships crashed together, making sure to keep her ginormous hat in place, ‘cause what is a pirate captain without her hat, right? Her crew, salty veterans all, parted before her as their Captain sauntered up to one of the boarding planks.

“Yaaaaar!!! This be your chance to surrender, you lily-livered land-lubbers!” roared the mighty Pie.

“I was about to say the same to your own crew, m’lady,” replied a bold baritone voice.

“Hah! The Dread Pirate Pie laughs at your false bravad-Hwhaaa!?!?” Pinkie finally looked at her nemesis, the only one who dared face her. He was a fine specimen of a stallion, with long, ultra-fancy golden locks and the best, curliest beard you’ve ever seen, just flowing in the wind. He had one of those sexy, billowy shirts that really showed off his tight, muscley neck and shoulders and stuff, and his hat was almost as super-amazing as hers!

“Wowee!” She exclaimed, as the unnamed stallion posed in a quite swashbuckingly fashion. “But the Dread Pirate Pie will not show mercy just because you’re super-hot! Have at thee!” she howled, leaping across the plank at this total babe of a stallion.

“Nor shall I,” said he, “though yours is a hotness beyond any ever witnessed on land or sea!”

“Aww, that’s sweet!” Said Pie, slinging forth a flurry of blows.

“ ‘Tis one of many reasons they call me Sweet Beard, m’lady!” said Sweet Beard, barely parrying each strike.

And then things got really craz-

“Uh, Pinkie…”

“-ally crazy! I…oh, uh, what’s up Dashie?”

“You know this is supposed to be a true story, right?”

Pinkie blinked.

“oooOOOoooh, you wanted a truUUUuue story.” She giggled. “Duh, that should have been obvious. Silly Pinkie.” Pinkie knocked herself lightly on the head with a hoof. “Ok, my bad. Here we go, for reals this time.”

The amused circle of friends settled in again to hear the real story.

“Right. Ok. So, it was a daaaaaaark and stoooooormy night...er, wait, no. It was a regular night, actually."

The fearless astronaut Buzzy Pie made the final preparations for touchdown on the moon. If only she’d known what a magical, super-sexy touchdown it would be…

“Clopston, we have contact!” said Buzzy as the thrusters cut out. She leapt from her seat the second the shuttle hit the surface. “This’ll be one small step for Pie, one…something or other! Whatevs! I’m going outside!”

Buzzy kicked open the shuttle door and bounded out onto the virgin surface of the moon. Like, really bounded. She went flying. ‘Cause, ya know, there’s not much gravity there. Anyway, she fell back down eventually, and that’s when she saw…her. She was amazing. Such poise, such grace. Legs for days…Astro-Pie stared at this vision of luscious celestial glory.

Princess Luna turned to look at her visitor.

“Oh my,” she said, with a cute little smile. “What have we here? A lonely little space cadet?” She switched her tail in that special way and…

“Pinkie!”

“And then…um. What’s up, Rainbow Dash?”

“You were never an astronaut Pinkie!”

“I wasn’t? A-are you sure? I, um, I think I might have…” Pinkie faltered before the inescapable glare of Dash.

“Come on, Pinkie! We all told our stories. You made me tell mine, and mine was lame! What’s the problem?”

“Um, Pinkie?” Twilight raised a hoof, interjecting herself between the two. “Do you not want to talk about this?”

Fluttershy jumped in next, whispering…

“Because you don’t have to, if you don’t want…”

Pinkie smiled in gratitude…

“Hey sugar,” said Applejack, sidling up and wrapping an arm around her friend's shoulder. “Was it bad or somethin’? Wait, sorry, shouldn’t a’ asked. You ain’t gotta answer that.”

“Oh, wait,’ sputtered Rainbow Dash. “I didn’t mean, I mean, uh. Sorry Pinks.”

…and then immediately caved before all of her friends’ relentless concern.

“Buuhoohoohoo” she cried, collapsing dramatically onto the nearest pony at hoof. Literally cried, that is, with a completely excessive fountain of tears and all. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to disappoint everypony! I just, I mean, no, AJ, it wasn’t bad. Not worse than anypony’s first time is, I mean. It’s just…”

Pinkie’s little outburst ended as quickly as it began.

“It’s just you were all expecting this amazing, crazy story, because I’m, ya know, the party pony, and crazy-amazing is my whole thing, right? But, it’s just that I’m…actually, kinda, really, boring. About this.” Pinkie drummed her hooves on the table and glanced up at her friends. “And all your stories were super fun, or sweet, or just unexpected.” That last one was directed at Fluttershy, who blushed appropriately. “I don’t think I even have one really good story about this stuff. I haven’t really um, been around, that much. It’s just, I mean, I know I can be kind of…” Pinkie cringed and her hair deflated a bit. “Annoying, sometimes. And hard to um, put up with.”

“Hey!” shouted Dash, slamming a hoof on the table. “Who said that to you!? They’re gonna get a hoof across the jaw for that!” She wasn’t the only one to jump to Pinkie’s defense on the issue.

“It’s ok, Dashie. I know. You’re all,” Pinkie looked around the table, “you’re the best friends I could ever ask for.” She smiled. “But, I haven’t really done a lot of dating, or whatever. I kinda just do whatever pops into my head at the time, so I’ve done lots of stuff, you know, sexy stuff, just not with lots of different ponies. Only two or three, really. So I haven’t really had any adventures like you girls. I mean, I grew up on a rock farm. We didn’t talk about anythingfun, much less sex. We barely talked at all until we were all older. My first time was with some boy who worked one of the neighboring farms. We talked some, and we both kind of wanted to do something together, but I don’t think even he knew what it was. Then we did it, and, I mean, it was kinda weird and awkward and it kinda hurt, but it was still nice and all…but then, I dunno, we just moved on after a while. I didn’t even know what exactly we’d done until I started asking around. Everybody was super-weird about it except for Maud, but she told me all kinds of stuff.

There was a brief silence at the table. It was Fluttershy, of all of them, that broached the subject.

“Um, Maud knew about sex?”

“Oh, like you wouldn’t believe!” exclaimed Pinkie. “I learned so much from her, but all of it,” she adopted a dreary monotone voice “was like this. She was all like Sometimes a girl likes and boy and she can then inspire in him a stone-like protrusion near his pelvic region and this is called and erection. Oh, Maud.” Pinkie’s hair poofed back into place as her friends laughed at her impersonation. “She made sure to remind me that it wasn’t actually stone though. And I was like, ‘Duh, Maud. Stone stays hard longer than that.' ”

After the laughter faded, Rainbow Dash chimed in.

“So Pinks, you uh, wanna tell us about that time you were a pirate captain?”

“Do I ever!” shouted Pinkie with glee. “So there I was, balancing on a cannon after being pushed back by Sweet Beard’s totally sexy assault…”

Author's Notes:

So, I gotta be honest with ya'll. I was at something of a loss on how to write a story for Pinkie. I still don't really like it (too short, not enough Pinkie-ness), but I just couldn't figure she'd be the type to actually have much experience in this department. I am open to better ideas from you, the readers, for a re-write.