Rarity took a moment to collect herself, smoothing out her already immaculate locks while she pondered where to begin. Applejack and Rainbow Dash shared a simultaneous eye roll. Everyone else waited patiently.

“Well, I suppose my first real lessons in amorous congress…”

Another eye-roll from across the table. This one was so hard you could almost hear it. Kind of a stone-against-stone grinding sound.

“Would have been when I was…” Rarity put a dainty hoof up to her chin. “Still in my teenage years, I suppose. Yes. So, as some of you may know, I went through a little phase around that age where I thought I might make a career for myself in the Royal Guard.” Rarity paused to make room for the inevitable waves of disbelief that always followed that confession.

“Hah!” barked Rainbow Dash. Applejack just snorted, but Twilight Sparkle perhaps put it best with her own contribution;

“The guard? Really?”

“Well, yes,” responded Rarity. “It was mostly for my mother, you see. She was in the guard for years, as was her father before her, and she just certain that I would be the one to carry on that legacy.”

“Wait, hang on,” interrupted Twilight. “Cookie Crumbles was in the Royal Guard? Like, the ponies that keep the peace and watch over Canterlot and protect the Princesses?”

Rarity sniffed at that. “Why yes, and I’ll have you know she served with distinction until such time as she decided that social work was her profession of choice.”

“She was a social worker?” asked Fluttershy.

“Oh yes, a stress and grief counselor, specifically. She helps ponies deal with life when their metaphorical cookies have crumbled."

“Oh.” Said Twilight. “Huh.”

“Eloquently spoken, Twilight,” said Rarity. “Anywho, at mother’s urging, I decided to join a summer camp for prospective guardsmares. That’s where I learned my fearsome hoof-to-hoof combat skills, in case you were wondering.”

No one quite knew what to make of that statement.

“And it was during that particular training, as it happens, that my story begins…”

“Hi-ya!!” yelled Rarity, grabbing hold of her partner’s gi collar and struggling valiantly to throw him to the floor.

The colt with which she trained politely fell over her hip to land lightly on the ground.

“Ok,” he said from the ground. “That was good, but you really need to step in further if you want this to work.”

“Augh! I’ll never…” Rarity stopped herself before she got any further into that sentence. Honestly, she rather loathed cadet camp, but if it had taught her one thing, it was that thinking you could never do something made it true. Rarity took a deep breath and attempted to quash her frustration.

“You’re right, Lance. Could you show me again, please?” she asked, batting her eyes.

“I…sure,” he said, rolling up into a standing position. “Ok, so you just, uh, you just get inside control, like so.” The dun-coated, ash-maned colt named Stout Lance slipped one arm around Rarity’s neck and the other in between one of her own arms just like they’d been shown. He was a bit older than her, and still just a private like her, but he was already making a name for himself as a sort of informal instructor for the other cadets. It was to be expected, as the guard was obviously his calling. His cutie mark was a lance with a shield under it. Not a whole lot of other careers that involved those. He was very professional for his age, too. He hadn’t once tried to ask her out, unlike half the other boys around here. Ugh. It was like they’d never seen a pony with class before. That was why she’d asked him, specifically, to help with this. He’d actually try to teach her, without it being an excuse to blunder through some terrible attempt at a pass on her.

“And then you either bait your opponent to try a charge, or you drag them forward, like this.” He stepped backwards with his rear legs, using not his arms, but his entire body weight to pull her along with him.

This was the part about the throw Rarity liked, the idea of using a pony’s own aggression and weight against them. It was just so elegant, like a dance. And true, it just happened to put her up close and personal with a fine looking gentleman of a pegasus, but that was entirely incidental, and shame on you for suggesting such base motivations! She was here to learn the arts of self-defense!

“And then, when they step in, you reach this arm around their back, jump your hooves in between their legs, like so,” he demonstrated, “and lift their belly up on your hips…” He did this, and then pulled sharply with the hoof at her collar and the one around her back simultaneously while he stood up high on his rear legs. “And toss!”

Rarity rolled smoothly over Lance’s back to land softly on the floor.

“Like that.” He smiled down at her. “See? All you have to do is remember like, six things at once. Easy.”

Rarity smiled back. She’d heard him use that joke before, but she graciously laughed as if she hadn’t, because that’s what ladies did. “Yes, I think I get it now.”

“Give it another shot.” He proffered a hoof to help Rarity up, which she took readily.

“Ok,” she said. “So I just…”

“Oh, for-Just get to the good stuff, Rarity!” groaned Rainbow Dash.

“Quiet you!” said Rarity. “As if yours didn’t take forever to get to the good stuff.”

“Whoa, hey now,” answered Dash, leaning in with a devious smile. “You were waiting to hear about me and Flit? Desperately? I didn’t know you were that kind of mare, Rarity.” Her tone indicated that she knew exactly what kind of mare Rarity was.

“Why, I’ll have you know..!”

“Why don’t we just, um, keep going with the story,” put in Fluttershy. She did a marginally better job than Dash at hiding her interest in where this story was going.

“Eeeeeeyup,” confirmed Applejack.

“Heh,” said Rainbow Dash.

Rarity set her arms up first. One around the neck, the other between his arms. “Like this?”

Lance seemed to be a bit distracted. He was sort of looking past her, instead of straight at her like he’d done before. He got that way sometimes, when he was working with other fillies. Rarity wasn’t entirely clear on what that was about, but she chose not to take it personally. “Uh, yeah, like that.”

Rarity stepped back, dragging him forward with her whole body, not just her arms. Their chests collided. “Oh, ha. Um, I was supposed to…”

“Yeah, just step in,” he said.

Rarity tried again, but this time, as he stepped in with her, she quickly reversed herself, thrusting her hips in and under his own.

“Aha! Like this, yes?”

“I uh, yeah,” he said. “And then you just-“

“Ok,” interrupted Rarity. “Let me just get this right. I sort of…” Rarity wrapped an arm around Lance’s body, made sure of her grip on his arm, and sort of wiggled her hips into what she thought was the right place. “Is this good for you?”

“It, um. Yes, that’s where they should be.”

Hm. He sounded a bit unsure. Rarity shifted herself a bit further back, to be as much under him as possible. She stood up tall on her back legs, just testing the weight. It was surprisingly easy to pick him up that way. In fact, the further back she went, the easier he was to lift. Good to know. “Is this better?”

“Y-yeah, totally.”

“Ok, here we go.” Rarity’s tail popped up as she exerted herself, pulling the arm, twisting her body, raising the hips. Had her tail hit something? No matter, probably just Lance’s leg or something. She felt him rise up, and over, and then fall solidly yet gracefully to the floor. She’d felt that before, but this time he’d been under her complete control the whole way! He hadn’t been being polite! She’d actually thrown him!

“WahaHA!” she exclaimed, falling down on him into what their trainers referred to as modified-scarf side-control. “I did it!” Rarity cried in victory. She looked down at Lance. “Thank you! I don’t think I ever could have done this without you!” She fluttered her eyes at him graciously, waiting eagerly for his response. It was sure to be full of glorious praise for her exemplary skills.

“Ha-yeah!” he said. “You totally did!” Lance shifted around uncomfortably for a second. “Hey, can I, um…”

“Stout Lance, are you quite alright?” asked Rarity. It was unusual for him to be so sparse with compliments on a job well done. Not the she’d been fishing for such things, of course…Had she hurt him? He was looking a little feverish, actually, and he seemed to be very interested in glancing at everything but her. Rarity leaned in close to get a better look. “Should I call someone?”

“N-No!”

The pegasus squirmed under her. This was all quite unlike him, really; he knew very well how to get out from under a pony if that was what he wanted to do. Maybe he really was hurt. Had she overworked him?

“I’m fine! Don’t call anyone! It’s just, I, uh…”

Rarity took the hoof that had been around his arm and drew it up to his forehead. It happened to brush his wing along the way. He froze for a second when it did, eyes flicking from his wing to Rarity’s hoof and then to her face. “Are you sure? Is there anything I can do to help?” Rarity noticed for the first time that his wings were extended out to their full span. They were actually pushing against the ground, like they were trying to lift him. It looked terribly uncomfortable. “Oh! I’m sorry” she said. “Here, let me…”

Rarity felt something poke between her shoulders as she leaned back to get up and off him. Odd, she wouldn’t have thought he could get a hoof to that angle. She craned her neck back to see, and…

“OH!”

Rarity scrambled up and off of Lance, accidentally trampling his face a bit in her hurry. She cringed, about to apologize, until she again noticed his…Her eyes followed what she first took for some kind of fifth leg back to its source. Oh. Oh wow. How did it get so much bigger like that?

“No!” cried Lance. “I didn’t-I mean-It just happened! I’m sorry!” He had flipped over onto his hooves and was trying desperately to cover himself with his wings as he backed away. It wasn’t quite working. His eyes flicked to and away from her own in a sort of shamed panic. “Please don’t-I gotta go!”

Rarity could only stare as he ran for the door of the dojo.

“Aw, seriously!?” sputtered Rainbow Dash. “Your first thing is some dude running away?”

Rarity’s right eyebrow twitched. “I don’t recall saying the story was over, Rainbow Dash.”

“It better not be,” said Fluttershy.

Everyone stared.

“I mean, um, please continue.” The self-proclaimed hottest pegasus in town smiled adorably as she attempted to shrink back under the table.

That might have been the end of the story, actually, but alas, the door slammed open just as the profoundly unfortunate Stout Lance reached for it. He reared frantically backwards, somehow managing to kick…himself as he went. He yelped in pain and flopped to the ground.

Rarity winced, feeling that she was somehow partially responsible for this, though she wasn’t exactly certain as to why, or what exactly this even was. She had heard about, ah, those, of course. But only a little. Girls do talk, obviously, but she’d written most of that off as gossipy nonsense. It seemed that other fillies were as ignorant of the inner workings of colts as she was. But now though…how did it…it’s just, they were so small usually. She never would have believed those things could actually-

Rarity’s musings were shut off sharply by a feminine voice.

“He-Whoa! Hey there, big guy!” said Corporal Sugarcoat. She was Rarity’s commanding officer, the one in charge of her squad of privates. She was maybe in her mid-twenties, and right now she appeared to be quite amused.

The rest of Rarity’s squad piled in behind Sugar to stare at their fallen comrade. It didn’t take long for the comments to start.

“Wow, girl!” said one, looking at Rarity. “What’d you do to him?”

“I knew you were picky, but, dang!” said another.

“Yeah, but look at the size of that guy!” threw in a third.

“Kind of is like a lance, isn’t it?” said the first.

“Ha! Yeah, he could totally win a joust with that thing!”

Rarity didn’t even know what to say. “What? I didn’t…”

“Alright, what’s all this!?” The barked question cut straight through all the banter. A moment later, the tide of cadets parted to make way as the large and intimidating form of Sergeant Occam stomped into the dojo. He took in the scene before him, looking from Lance to Rarity to the mass of cadets surrounding him, and snapped a single declaration.

“Privates! Out!”

“They sure are!” said some unwise cadet.

Sergeant Occam whipped his head around to the offender. “You owe me fifty push-ups, Private! Now move!”

The colt saluted sharply and the proceeded to run for the hills. The rest of the squad scrambled after, glad that someone else had drawn the Sergeant’s wrath. Rarity tried to follow.

“Not you!” he growled. “Me and you are gonna have some words, son.”

Rarity halted. Wait, no, he was talking to Lance.

Occam snapped his attention to Rarity. “You! Wait outside!”

Rarity jumped to obey. She saluted brusquely, then scampered out the door.

Occam slammed it shut behind her. A second later, Cpl. Sugarcoat inched it open and winked.

…

What did that mean?

Rarity sat there for a moment or two more before she stopped to think. Why was she out here? Why was anybody in trouble? Occam was yelling at Lance, which was frankly pretty normal, because he was always yelling, but why? Nopony had done anything. Well, certainly something had happened, but…She inched closer to the door of the dojo.

The Sergeant was ranting, because that’s just what Sergeants did, apparently, but what about, exactly? Rarity cocked an ear toward the door. Something about…this kind of thing being flagrantly unprofessional. Something about behavior like this sullying the names of good officers. Well, that wasn’t right! Lance hadn’t sullied anything! Rarity wasn’t sure exactly what had transpired in that room, but there certainly wasn’t any sullying going on. The more she heard of Occam’s rant, the more upset she was getting. She could have just ridden this little storm out, endured her turn, and called it a day. But then…but then Occam said something about this sort of thing ruining careers, and getting promising young stallions tossed back on their butts to their justifiably ashamed parents. And Lance wasn’t even defending himself! She could just imagine him, sitting there, trying to hold himself together while this, this bully yelled at him and threatened to throw him out on the streets! Well! If any career was going to be ruined, it would be hers, because she didn’t even want this stupid guardsmare job anyway! And she still didn’t know why everybody was being so crazy about what had clearly been some kind of misunderstanding!

Rarity reared up and kicked open the dojo door. She charged heedlessly forward, sliding to a stop a mere foot or so in front of her Sergeant. Occam had Lance backed into a corner, and the poor colt looked every bit as miserable as Rarity had imagined him; head down, tail tucked, wings pulled in tight. On a completely unrelated note, and Rarity wasn’t even sure why she took the time to notice this, but Lancer’s, uh, thing, was back down to its normal size. Possibly smaller than usual, actually. How did it do that? No matter! Rarity snapped her eyes up almost a full foot and a half into those of Sgt. Occam and fixed him with her most withering of glares.

“Outside, private!” shouted Occam. “You’ll get your tu-“

“That is enough!” She stomped one hoof. “I will not sit here and listen while you threaten this colt for no good reason! He has a cutie mark that is obviously meant for the guard and I will not have you deny him his career because of some nonsense that you think happened which probably didn’t even happen and I don’t even know why everyone is so upset and my Mother who is twice the guardsmare you’ll ever be told me that I have to stand up for the ponies around me because I have a little sister to look out for now and that is what I have to say about that!” Rarity stomped her hoof several times through her little speech, and then once more at the end, to make sure everyone knew she meant business. She let out a savage “Hmph!” as well, just in case.

Occam had begun a retort, something that would surely have shut down even a charging bull, but the raw, genuine umbrage of Rarity’s rant gave him pause. As a sergeant, he was something of a connoisseur of umbrage. So, rather than speak, Occam stared at the girl, slowly working his jaw, completely silent. He really took his time about it, giving Rarity’s doubts about this whole thing plenty of time to gnaw away at her initial confidence.

“Private Rarity, was it?” he asked, levelly. Rarity saw him glance at Sugar Coat. She still seemed to be trying to hold back laughter. Was that good? Or very, very bad?

Rarity stomped a hoof and ‘hmph-ed’ again, but it was rather a bit less certain than last time.

“Do you really not understand why I’m angry right now?” asked Occam.

Because you’re a brainless jerk and a horrible brute? thought Rarity. But she didn’t say any of that. She just hedged back and forth for a bit. Could she have missed something? She ran over recent events again in her head, but still found little for anyone but Lance to be upset about. When she finally spoke, it was only to say…

“I…No.” Occam gave her a look. “Sir.”

“But you do?” Occam said, turning to Lance.

“Yes sir.” He stared at nothing, very rigid, very soldier-like. His eyes twitched briefly to Rarity’s, and they were full of nothing but…what? Regret? Apology? She felt horrible for him, having to act like that. Why didn’t he speak up? Stupid military. “It was an accident sir.”

Sgt. Occam raised an eyebrow and then turned, placing himself directly between Lance and Rarity. He fixed his gaze on her.

“What happened here, Private? Why were you and Private Lance in this room?”

Rarity shifted to look at Lance and Occam expertly moved to block her. “Oh, ah, well, it’s all quite simple really. You see, I was having some bit of trouble with the wrestling portion of our combat training so…”

Rarity recounted the non-events of the past hour as faithfully (and extensively; detail was important) as she could. Occam’s much-more-withering-than-hers gaze had quite effectively robbed her of all of previous anger and replaced it with a nervous eagerness to please. Or, at least, to get him to look somewhere else. Reaching the end of her tale, Rarity started to flounder…

“And so I offered to call someone because I was afraid I might have hurt him, and then…he, um, well. That is, I, or, he, or…well, I’m sure it wasn’t anyone’s…I felt something, you see…” Rarity was practically glowing red at this point. It was just, well it was just rude for Occam to even be asking about this! To her profound surprise, it was the Sergeant himself who saved her from further fluster-ment.

“That’s enough, Private.” Occam ran a hoof from the top of his buzz-cut head all the way down his face. “Alright, look…Eugh, they really should just teach this stuff in school.”

The Sergeant actually seemed to be at a loss for words, for once. Or maybe the stress was just making Rarity hallucinate.

“Alright, Private,” Occam started again. “The thing is-“

“Ah, Sir?” cut in Sugar Coat. “Why don’t I take this one?” She wasn’t even trying to hide her grin anymore.

Sgt. Occam sighed as if a great, crushing weight had just been lifted from his very soul. He nodded to Sugar.

“Much appreciated, Corporal. Let’s take a walk, Stout Lance.”

“Yes sir,” spouted Lance by pure reflex. He looked worriedly between Occam, Sugar and Rarity, but hurried to follow.

“You’re fine, son,” said Occam. “But we still gotta have a talk.” The hard edge of his eyes seemed to soften, if only a little.

Rarity and Sugar Coat watched them go. Sugar fired off a crisp and probably ironic salute to her superior as he left, then wheeled around on Rarity.

“I-“ started the younger unicorn.

“So!” interrupted Sugar. “I know that was all super-weird and you’re probably very confused right now, but the good news is Sugar Coat’s going to tell you all about everything! Ready?”

Rarity wasn’t ready at all, but it was certainly nice of Sugar to ask.

“Heh. See what I was sayin’ about older mares?” said Applejack.

“Is that what you meant? Having somebody explain it to you?” asked Rainbow Dash. “Am I seriously the only one who learned about sex by actually doing it? Cause I am totally winning right now.”

It was Rarity’s turn to roll her eyes.

Twilight spoke first. “I don’t see how being ignorant of something until it falls in your lap is winning, Dash. You said you were seventeen? The rest of us knew about this stuff way earlier. So far, I think AJ is ‘winning’.”

“Pthbtbt,” responded Rainbow, quite moistly.

“So, did anything ever happen with you and Lance after that?” put in Fluttershy.

“Oh, no, not really,” answered Rarity. “Not at camp, anyway. I mean, we were practically still foals back then. We didn’t know how to handle that kind of faux pas. We mostly just avoided each other. We talked a bit, here and there, but it was just…awkward.” Rarity paused for a moment, then continued, her voice sounding a bit chagrined. “Though we both suddenly became very popular grappling partners.”

“Hah!” cackled Rainbow Dash.

“Oh, ok,” responded Fluttershy, sounding a bit disappointed. “Um, you said ‘not at camp.’ Did something happen later, maybe?” she added, hopefully.

“Why yes, actually,” began Rarity, with a wistful smile. “I happened to run across him again some years later at a little fashion display that was being hosted in Canterlot. Princess Celestia was in attendance, you see, and Lance was accompanying her as a guard in her personal retinue. Quite the honor for a pony of his age. It was marvelous to see how far he’d come, and he cut quite a dashing figure in that armor, let me assure you. ” Rarity gesticulated grandiosely while she spoke; her affectations of magniloquence had become such an integral fixture of Rarity’s persona that they only became more prevalent when she drank. Her friends waited with varying degrees of patience while she breathed a dreamy sigh.

“Anywho, I happened to recognize him there, so we chatted a bit during the show. He invited me to an after party, which I of course attended. It was a delightful soiree; so many lovely ponies in the finest suits and gowns. I daresay I felt a bit underdressed that night. There was this one couple, Oh they were fabulous! They had these matching-”

“Rarity…” interrupted Applejack, with a raised eyebrow.

“Ah, right. Stout Lance. Of course. Well, it isn’t much of a story, really. Lance and I danced a bit, and laughed about old times, and then, well, I can’t imagine what possessed me to be so forward…” said Rarity with an airy giggle, “but I invited him out to my hotel to see whether I still remembered just how to handle that thing he’d shown me back then.”

“Hah! Nice!” shot out Rainbow Dash, biting back her initial comment. Rarity was known to experience occasional bouts of what might be politely called ‘extreme forwardness,’ but her friends always made sure to act surprised when she admitted to them.

“And an excellent multiple entendre as well,” complimented Twilight, "about ‘that thing’. So, how’d that work out?”

Rarity examined one immaculate hoof as she answered.

“Well, let’s just say my skills at putting handsome stallions on their backs had not diminished in the slightest.”

Everypony applauded. Rarity graciously accepted their praise.

Author's Notes:

Ah, the joys of teenage co-ed grappling.

Also, Rarity is something of a top, it seems.