Umbra and Eris: Borne on the Wings of a Dragon

by Jsyrin With Kamen Rider

Chapters

• Chapter 1: In Which Umbra Loses His Sexual Orientation for Another
• Chapter 2: In Which Eris Acts Really Fucking Adorable
• Chapter 3: In Which The Shipping Actually Happens
• Chapter 4: In Which Questing and More Shipping Happens
• Chapter 5: No Lollygaggin'

Chapter 1: In Which Umbra Loses His Sexual Orientation for Another

Chapter 1 Alt Title: Eris is Just Too Goddamn Cute Sometimes

Y'know, when I decided to leave that stupid spat that some called a War behind, I honestly would not have believed that I could have found a better place to live than Home...but I did. The only problem with it is Eris, resident female Draconequus, prankster, romantic, and my very first Best Friend, caps necessary.

She also enjoys bothering me at the most random times.

“Umbra! Oh Umbraaaaaaa!”

Speaking of the she-devil, there she is now, draped all over my nice, clean sofa. She's a cute one, to be sure. Chinese Dragon horns, lion paw hands, and goat hooves, all on a standard draconequus body. And she somehow comes off as really goddamn cute, even with a look that should scream 'ABNORMAL'.

“Umbra! Come on… I’m bored…”

WHOOSH

The things I do for the people I like.

“Eris...please, remove your hooves from my sofa. Cleaning it every time you decide to pop in is getting repetitive and tedious.”

She looks me in the eyes, her own half lidded...she's smiling too... so cute... but no, I'm asexual.

“You know that I paid for this one… But that’s not the point… I’ve come here for a request.”

Oh yeah, it was a gift... nevertheless, I still decide to act all exasperated about it.

“I do realize that but it’s in my house, I use it, therefore it’s mine...Request? What request?”

Her requests usually lead to something that I won't like, but will do anyway.

“Would you mind oh-so-terribly to give your favorite Half-draconequus temporary admin status?”

WHAT

“...Yes. I could very well lose my job for that, and then who would you mooch off of, hmm? Not to mention that I’d be immediately annihilated if I lost my position as a SysAdmin…”

Well, metaphorically speaking, of course.

    “Well… I don’t mean with the same abilities as you… being an orderly chaos spirit and whatnot… Just enough to make my own Displaced… not quite the same amount as that Merchant fellow… just two.”

BLASTED PUPPY-DOG EYES; I WILL NOT FALL TO YOUR POWER

“You can already do that, Eris. It’s not my fault you haven’t figured out a way to use your Chaos magic to travel through the Void and pull anything with you...even if the Void is a cesspool of Chaos and Paradox already… are you sure you inherited your mother’s intellect? I recall Fluttershy being much more...intelligent... when she was your age.”

I love teasing this girl...she's so cute... shit... I think I went from Asexual to Heterosexual...and it took me two years to realize it.

“Wait… Daddy lied to me…?”

I think she's pissed. And of course your father lied, Lord of Chaos, remember? Also, he probably did it four your own protection... some things out there don't like Chaos Users.

“Of course he did! Stubborn old goat… HE told me that Chaos magic wasn’t strong enough to do that! I am going to wring his neck the next time I see him!”

I couldn't help it, I chuckled a little.

“Discord has, across an infinite spread of Universes, across an infinite spread of Time, done exactly what you want to do...just by snapping his fingers and thinking that it’d be...Chaotic. I suppose you, being half pony, couldn’t do it so simply, eh? Oh, and by the way...consider his neck wrung.”

Cue Evil Smirk™.

Meanwhile, in Fluttershy’s cottage

Fluttershy nearly has a panic attack when out of nowhere, her husband’s neck is twisted a full forty two revolutions around, involuntarily. She then notices the small card fluttering to a stop in front of her face. She reads it aloud, “One neck wringing...deliverer: Umbra Shadow-Walker… commissioner: Eris?”

“Oh my, I wonder why our daughter would do such a thing?”

Discord lets his head spin back at a dizzying speed, catching his cheeks once his neck is back to its proper position and lets his eyeballs spin around a few times. “Oh… That’s just what I needed, You know Fluttershy, I’ve had that pain in the lower part of my neck for a week straight and just couldn’t figure out how to get rid of it. I’m going to have to thank Eris later.” He says with a smile.

Back at Umbra’s House a.k.a Right Across Ponyville

She's leaning up agianst me OHGODWHATDOIDO!?

“You know… You’re so… interesting… no, fascinating… no, that’s not it either… Oh, what’s the word I’m looking for…?”

Fuck, the adorable pout, too!

“It’s so amazing to see anything as interesting as a living shadow like you.”

Play it cool, stoic...like Batman...but not Batman because somehow Batman is still cooler than me...

    “I know, you’ve told me this approximately three hundred times since I met you...three years ago. And you come over like, every three days…”

Nailed it.

“Maybe I just want you to make sure you don’t forget it.”

Ooh, snarky. Two can play at that game.

“I have not forgotten it at all...every single incarnation of you that I’ve met in my… seven… no… eight… no… thirty? Yes. Every single incarnation of you that I’ve met in my thirty thousand millennia of existence has told me the exact same thing. It’s actually starting to seem like a Multiversal constant,”

“Then I guess you don’t want to help me?”

When did I say that?

“I never said that–”

AAUGH MY EYESPOTS! THE CUTENESS! IT BURNS!

“Really!? Thankyouthankyouthankyou!”

If I were mortal I'd be bleeding out of my ears from her squee... and suffocating from her hug.

“...What the hell have I gotten my black ass into this time?”

It’s not racist because I'm actually a shadow!... And literally black.

“Okay… Since daddy’s too much of a meanie to teach me… can you show me how to do it?"

Like a little child sometimes, I swear. Rolling my eyespots around my facial perimeter, I respond.

“Fine.”

The things I do for her... is this...no... I swore I would never–!

“Right. This is different from my power, and your father’s power, given that I am basically a full on deity that literally hacks his way into victory, and your father is just a 3D representation of the Chaos Magic that permeates the Multiverse.”

“I understand, I think I just need the basics and I can extrapolate from there using my own technique after a bit of practice.”

Good, gives me less work to do... I'm still an Admin, you know.

“Very well. First: collect as much power as you think is necessary. Given that you have Chaos Magic, that is much less that you really think it is right now. Just a drop will do.”

Oh look, she has a little quill an notepad, how adorable!

“Second, imagine casting your power into a Void, and, given your specialty, hooking onto the most chaotic beings that your power level can retrieve.”

When did my living room turn into a classroom?

“Nice attention to detail. Step three is simple: actually do it. Your imagination will help the process. Don’t pay attention to the casting, just focus on the results. Don’t stress your mind too much about ‘what-if’s and ‘maybe’s. Just do it. It’s that simple.”

I close the textbook that mysteriously appeared in my hand and shucked of my new, shitty teacher outfit.

“There, lesson finished. Got everything?”

“Aww… there was so much potential in that scene… with me as the awkward, yet attentive student and you as the bold and strict teacher who has the secret attraction for me that you can’t let any of the other staff know about…”

FUCK. Not this again. She needs to let it go, I'm not getting into a relationship with her...

Well, time to tease...see how bothered she gets...

“You mean...something like this?”

I love my 'echo-y voice' trick. Now the room is a detention classroom.

“Good afternoon, miss Eris. You’re in detention for blatantly trying to seduce a teacher.”

Thank gods we've done this whole song and dance before, otherwise it'd be awkward.

“Yeah… just with a bit more… Oh… Authority in your step, like you control the room and are going to punish me for the disobedient student I am.”

If I was flesh and blood...well, most males will understand what problem I'd have...even if she's not human...she's damn hot sometimes... FUCK.

“Well then–”

Why the hell is there a BDSM paddle in this desk? Oh yeah... teasing

“–how about some corporal punishment, then?”

“Ooh! Yes… that’s perfect.”

Must...contain...fake...hormones...

“Then come over, miss Eris. You don’t want to waste more of my precious time, do you? Come now, miss Eris. Prolonging it will only make it worse on you.”

I am now sitting in a chair...who am I, the Old Spice Guy?

Oh look, she's wrapped around me.

“Will you promise to always be there for me?”

GAH! Don't DO that, woman!

“Of course.”

I know seduction too, y'know...I just never thought I'd need the info...

“Then do as you wish…”

I just lost the seduction game. Time to end this charade.

“Then...–”

POOF

And now I'm holding my front door open for Eris.

"– I think you forgot, Eris, that I am completely asexual...and that I love pranking you. Now, run along, I’m sure your parents will start to wonder just what we’re up to...it’s almost midnight.”

Maybe that was a bit mean...ending it so close...eh...

“Do you know how long it’s going to take to get over this?! You’re such an ASS!”

Standard response number 4...she's pissed...

“You’ve said that about me about two hundred times in the last year...when you first started these advances...and yet, you always come back within a week...even after I’ve said those exact words...this also happened two weeks ago. I’ll see you later, Eris; I have work to do.”

Aaaaaaannnndddd she's gone

Later that evening, or morning, whichever you prefer.

Eris had her chin on her paws as she stared out at the night sky, tears in her eyes as she just gazed at the moon.

“Why? Why do you keep doing this to me Umbra…?” She manages to say with a cracked voice as a few tears fall from her puffy eyes. “Can’t you just once… Just… once… be with me… for me…?” She stares at the moon for a few more seconds before turning away from her window to collapse on the bed, once more crying herself to sleep, once more… going to bed cold and alone.

Two weeks later

Today's the day that Eris is going to make her first Displaced... I'm almost proud. Almost because Admins aren't supposed to create Displaced...and shouldn't really approve of it either...but it's just a guideline.

“I’m still mad at you.”

She's cute when she's mad...FUCK

“I know you are. Do you still need to practice before you actually go with the process?”

Interlude: Deeper Thoughts in Umbra's Psyche

I know she wants me to be with her...but...I...I don’t know if I should...Gah! What the hell should I do!? Shitty Romance Novels, you have failed me!

Eh? What’s that bolded text in my head?

Where the piss have you been!? I thought I lost you way back when I first went through that portal to Equestria! Do you know how much shit my Id made me do!?

My condolences.

Fine...infodump authorized...initiating...have a nice day...there, you’re caught up.

Yup

More like a petty spat between two individuals that can actually hurt me, but yes.

Uh-huh

Yup...are you just going to keep asking questions that you already know the answers to while interspersing said questions with shitty 80’s slang? Because seriously, that slang is really shitty. And 80’s.

Heritage!? What heritage!? I barely count as a 90’s kid! Remember!? Oh yeah, and no, I’m not losing you again. You’re safely anchored in my head...unless I do the ‘Split Psyche’ trick… then you get your own body…

Well...first, sounds to me like you developed a bit of a personality, good on you, Second… I dunno man… I know how she feels about me… it’s just… something keeps holding me back… wait… there. Problem solved. My ‘Fear of Relationships Due to Frank Inexperience’ Parameters were acting way up. Okay. I’m good. Let’s solve this problem...right now...yeah… Just activate the goddamn scene break already, author! GAH!

I get ya, low and slow it is.

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming

“Wipe that smug look off of your face, you jerk.”

Well, that got sorted out... I can now freely admit that I really am... in love...holy shit...

“You got this?”

I think she's surprised I'm not being condescending.

“I think so…”

Do or do not do, there is no try, young padawan learner

“Keep in mind that your powers make this sort of thing notoriously unpredictable in terms of who you get, so don’t be disappointed in the results. Just be glad that it’ll work.”

I even let her use a magic mirror as a training device...those are pretty hard to come by and harder to make.

"I gotcha. Although I did notice a few interesting things about this particular Equestria compared to the Earth Cluster.”

“Wha’ abou’ it?”

Let me just take this time to tell you that I fucking love apples... kinda like Ryuk, but less creepy.

“Well…”

Oh shit. Its a copy of the ‘Dungeons & Dragons Player’s Handbook™’

“Oh hell no. What the hell is that. Where the ever-living fuck did you get that!? NO NO no no NO! I will–”

“I was just noticing a few things between this Equestria and the lore of this game that are pretty similar… so… I was… kinda hoping… that… well… we could… use one of the Earths that was going to… well…”

“... Why am I such a goddamn sucker for the women in my life? What am I, a typical Teenage Shonen Hero? Gods, it’s pathetic.”

It really is.

    “I wouldn’t go that far… but I was hoping we could use one of the Earths that was facing like… an Apocalypse of some kind and just… give two humans a second chance at life here?”

UUUUGGGGGHHHHH, the things I do...

“... Yeah sure why not. Reel ‘em in. I’ll stabilize so you don’t go too off target, though you might still miss a little.”

“Umbra… What would they look like without their bodies? Would they just be kinda like two wispy spirit thingies?”

Don't tell me...

“More like a ball of light in some sort of random color befitting their personality, but with smoky wisps coming off. Why?”

“No real reason other than I was curious…”

I think the main point of Displaced Humans is to grab their bodies, not just their souls

“Looks like you’re pretty much on target… be wary of any unexpected developments, though. Chaos magic, however little I can use, is really finicky, and tends to backfire if used without anything weird as the intention. This should be sufficiently odd to mitigate most of the mutations, though.”

“Well… since they’re from a universe with no magic… why not make them, essentially, magical creations…? Make one a wizard and then make the other some sort of magical healer? That way there’s a bit of Chaos and a plan…”

And that never ends well if there's Chaos Magic involved.

“I’ll handle the magic part...though with that Chaos pulling them here, I wouldn’t be surprised if something went wrong.”

Oh look, they're pacifist souls! You can tell because they're pink... the color system is weird as shit

“I’m sure nothing too bad happened… Care to help me make physical forms for them? I’ll even handle their starting equipment…”

“Toss ‘em over, let me start… you got one of each gender, right?”

“Well… That’s what I was aiming for… they were pretty close together so I could only assume that they belonged to the same her- I mean, were a couple… But they’re both pink, so I don’t really know…”

They better goddamn be two different genders, let's check.

“Pink is an indicator of Pacifism, not gender… I’m sensing two distinct genders, but the chaos is interfering with my ability to tell which is which… can you tell?”

“I’m still surprised you can tell the gender difference…”

What.

“Well...hope they don’t mind too much if I fuck up their genders… here we go, two basic humanoid templates. Extra features, Eris?”

“Yeah… I want them to be compatible with the rules on divine sparks… and… lets see…”

Oh, she has another book...this one has 'Dragons' printed on the cover as well... idea!

“How about we make Dragon-Themed Heroes?”

Best. Idea. Ever. NOT.

“Any color patterns in particular? I was thinking maybe green primary scales for the male with purple secondary scales, and then purple for the female’s main scales with pink secondaries.”

Why the hell should I know!? I'm only going along with your crazy plan!

“Go ahead, they’re your Displaced after all. I’m only here in case something goes really wrong.”

“Well… Since you’re technically helping me I’d say that they are our displaced…”

She's leaning on me again...and it just feels so... right. Is this what love is like? Why the hell was I ever asexual? Oh yeah...shadows being intimate gets really awkward, really fast. it's like 'Is that your shadow piece or mine?' and 'Jeez, get your goddamn shadow out of my eyespots!

“I suppose so, but you’re doing most of the work here. I’m just supervising and giving encouragements, sarcastic as they may be.”

“Alright! Twentieth level wizard and cleric… with fifth level character gear. Technically the cleric will have an advantage since he’ll only need his holy symbol to cast his spells… while the wizard will need herself a spellbook.”

“So...who exactly is the Cleric’s deity, anyway? And what symbol will they use?”

“Do you mind getting in contact with Tamara? I can fashion a nice wooden seven pointed star, just let her know she’s going to have a new cleric.”

Calling Tamara...

Yo, Tamara!

Umbra? ...What the hell are you calling me for, I was sleeping...ZzZ

I need you to know something

ZzZ...Huwha? What is it?

You're getting a new follower

Oh...if that's all, let me go back to bed...

Night

Night...you know what, for waking me up, you're also the deities of my new follower, maybe you'll learn some se–ZZZZZZzzzZzzzZzZzZ

Tamara is kind of a bitch when you wake her up.

“... Give me a moment… Right, she knows. We’re technically also the Cleric’s deities now too… somehow.”

“Yeah… but deities use that whole rank system and stay within their own specific Universe/Multi-Plane Worlds… And they get stronger with more followers, we don’t. You know… I really liked this…”

DonotstareatherwhileshestretchesUmbraIsweartogod.

“Hmm? Liked what?”

“Oh! One last favor… could you help put them in their bodies and make sure they appear close to each other? They’re strong enough to not really have to worry about dying easily… but… I’d rather keep them together…”

Sappy girl...good thing I'm a sappy guy sometimes...

“You and your romantic tendencies… But yeah, sure. Your lucky I’m also a bit of a romantic too.”

“Oh I can just see it now… both of us sharing a beautiful castle, being taken care of because we created the strongest heroes in Equestria…”

Yeah...no...why does she even need a castle anyways?

“Why a castle? Do you want to be a Princess too?”

“I wouldn’t mind being your Princess…”

I'd [Blush like a virgin] if I had a goddamn face right now.

“Right… Well, looks like everything is working well enough… let’s pop these in, shall we?”

POP

“‘Kay, they appear to be stable… they should wake up soon, too… now we just wait.”

“I hope our children don’t have anything too bad happen to them on the first night…”

WAIT, WHAT DID YOU CALL THEM!?

“...Wait, CHILDREN!?”

And the Wizard (the female) is awake.

    “Holy shit! What’s going on here!? Are these scales!?”

Oh look, she's freaking out...not too bad.

And her hands are patting down some...sensitive areas... Oh shit

"...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

SSSSSSSHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTT

Chapter 2: In Which Eris Acts Really Fucking Adorable

Chapter 2 Alt Title: Eris Should Never Drink. Ever

As I came down the stairs from my lab that morning, I found Eris once again draped over my couch... in a pose that, while normal, seemed undeniably pretty to my eyes. I stared for a moment, then noticed the book in her hands.

“Why, Eris, I’m surprised. You’re actually doing something productive while waiting for me.”

Not the smoothest of lines, but it got the cutest little ear flick out of her.

“Yeah… I decided to get a few ideas… you’d be surprised how hilarious some of these books can be.”

POOF

And now she's sitting normally...

“This book I’m reading is called ‘The Hangover’... I never thought that three friends could have so much fun without remembering a bit of it.”

Holy crap, that movie actually does exist here. I never really liked it, though.

“‘The Hangover’, huh? That’s a movie in my home world, my real home world, that is… I guess more than a few things carried over…”

“Maybe…”

Maybe what? I don't like that gleam in your eye...

“Applejack’s hosting a cider tasting later this week! Let’s go to it together!”

Goddamnit no! Never again! Not after what happened two years ago!

“...”

It was terrible for everyone involved, let's leave it at that.

“Don’t you remember what happened the last time you touched even the slightest bit of alcohol? I don’t think so, you and any form of alcohol is a bad idea…”

“...Luna got over that video… everyone already thought that it was fake because nobody could get that deep into the Lunar Tower without getting surrounded by Thestrals.”

What videos? When was this!?

“...wha? I was referring to how you went on a rampage and blitzed your way across the country and ruined so many bars so badly that I had to fix them. Oh, and you tried to cuddle with at least six hundred different ponies, some of them mares… including Luna… and Cadence… and somehow Chrysalis…”

“Well… Maybe… But Cadence loves to cuddle…And I did not break those bars, that was that weird robot-guy that you brought with you.”

One: It's true, Cadence loves to cuddle... but what Eris did was borderline sexual harassment. Two: No, it really was Eris, honest.

“Nevertheless, I am refusing to let you go anywhere near Applejack’s place that day. I’m putting my foot down on this one. No. Way. In. He–”

Later that Week

“How the hell did you manage to talk me into this? No, why did I let you talk me into this in the first place?”

Gods, keeping her from the alcoholic stuff is a nightmare... and trying to raise her alcohol tolerance through the Chaos magic in her is even worse.

“It’s because you find me adorable… And that Daddy invited you to go with us.”

Dammit. She's right. She is adorable.

“Curse my unfailing need to accept invitations from people I associate with.”

I can't help it, I smiled.

“It’s just too bad Rarity and cousin Blueblood are still not on speaking terms… despite how much he’s tried apologizing… He loves cider…”

No, it really isn't too bad. That pretentious prick always apologizes in the worst ways... and Rarity is so stubborn she carries a grudge for years.

At least the atmosphere is nice... kinda sorta romantic, but also nice and open, family friendly.

Oh shit she got away! Sorry Snowflake, no contest for now.

“Jeez Eris, I know you wanna have fun and all, but I don’t want you to go through the same thing as two years ago...remember that hangover you had the day after?”

She was adorable back then, too.

“Aww… just one game? P-p-please?”

AUGH FUCK! NOT THOSE EYES AGAIN!

“Kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk…...FINE. One game. ONE. And I’m purging your system straight after… I just don’t want you to get hurt, okay?”

Why am I such a lovestruck fool?

“C’mon Snowflake! I bet I can drink your sorry butt under the table!”

Not likely, Snowflake has one of the highest alcohol tolerances in Ponyville and–Whoa holy shit, where'd this crowd come from... and where'd the Applejack Daniels come from?

Berry... please stop that routine... what would your daughter think?

Oh look, Snowflake's done with his mug.

[size=15em]“YYYEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!”[/size]

“Ouch… my non existent ears”

And it would have actually hurt... were I still human...

Oh man... Eris is actually keeping up... I hope my slight mods to Eris’ code will hold out against her Chaos magic long enough for her to win… or at least pass out.

“One for one…”

My gods... they've already blitzed through five MUGS of the strongest apple-whiskey on the planet...

“You know… you… you got… like… small wings… like Scootachicken… So… How can you fly… and like… she can’t?”

Jesus Christ! That's actually funny! I mean... I should give you an explanation as to why Scoots can't fly... but Eris... so cute...

GAH! Bad Brain! Stop thinking about Eris’ cute blush and her adorable drunk attitude and her really pretty mane and… FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!

Oh look, tenth mugs... won't be long now...

“Y- *Burp* -Yeahhhhh….” Snowflake cheers with slightly less vigor than usual.

“...D-das… Das not answ- ans… and… uh…. No… That… Das not da word…”

Goddammit Eris, would it kill you to act with some restraint every once in a while!?

Oh look, Snowflake's down... and Eris... looks like she's in trouble... time to help!

Aaaannnnddd.... Yes! She won! Shit! She passed out!

“U-Umbra…?”

“...Yes, Eris?”

"I luvz you…”

Uh oh...

“I… have a deep, personal regard for you as well, Eris…”

Maybe it's drunken ramblings?

“Nah… I… I mean… Like… I really… Love… You… You’re so… Funneh… an… Smart… You make me… So happeh.”

Nope... actual confession.

“You're drunk Eris… why don’t you just take a nap for now, eh? And… I… love you too.”

Oh god, I just said it! Oh… she’s asleep already

“Gods, you’re too damn cute for your own good sometimes, you know that?”

I kissed her forehead... I'd legit kiss her, but alcohol breath

Aww... she's purring!

“Well… I think she likes you…”

Hello Discord. I see you chuckling, please stop

“Yeah… I think she does…”

What is WRONG with me today!?

“Just make sure you don’t keep her up too late and make sure you’ve got everything covered… or…”

His smile fades as the world around them stops moving, his usual smile replaced with a deep snarl,

“You will REGRET hurting her…”

Time seems to start moving normally again as his expression is happy again,

“...Kay?”

Much scary, such intimidation, very father, wow.

“If I ever do hurt her… well… you’ll never find enough of me to fill a thimble…”

It's the truth, too. I couldn't live with myself if I hurt someone so cute... it'd be like punching Fluttershy as a filly.

“And by the way… thanks for the invite.”

Less truth in that.

WHOOSH

Back at my house, Eris apparently discovered the hyper-metabolizing effects of my transporting.

“Eris...We’re back at my house… do you want something for your hangover?”

Let it never be said that I am incapable of being the ‘caring boyfriend’ kinda guy.

“Shh… Less talkie… more… sleepy…”

Agh, so cute. Aww, look at you snuggling into my chest... literally into, by the way.

“Oh, you are just a treat. Silly draconequus...here we go, one queen sized bed, ultrasoft, with a nice canopy to shut out the light.”

It's her own bed, too. I gave her the room so she could feel more independent sometimes... y'know, since she still lives with her parents.

“Nyah~...ZZzzzZZzZZzZzzZzzZZzZZzz….”

MAN, she’s so cute… I guess that’s part of why I fell in love with her after all...

End Chapter 2

Chapter 3: In Which The Shipping Actually Happens

Chapter 3 Alt Title: I Swear We Were Supposed to Go Questing!

It was late, the moon was full, and Eris was staring off of a balcony at the lake down below. Did I mention that we were at Canterlot Castle?

So naturally, I just kinda came up behind her and gave her a hug. Because at this point we were almost in a relationship anyways.

“My my, Eris, you look thoughtful. Is there anything you want to tell me?”

“It’s just… there’s too much order here… I may not be a full-breed chaos spirit, but even I am way too bored here…”

That... was something I could deal with quite easily, really.

“Then… why don’t we go on an adventure? Yeah! Just you and me, going on quests and stuff, like those two dragonborn we Displaced! Of course, we’ll need restriction seals so we have more fun… but that’s not really a problem, is it?”

She looked at me curiously, “... how do we do that?”

“Here’s what we do: In a few days’ time, in order to say our goodbyes and such, I warp us to a generic fantasy Universe and then I get one of my colleagues to Restrict our abilities to a conditional minimum, only to be removed gradually as we, for lack of a better term, ‘Level Up’... Sound good, luv?”

It was a great plan, if I do say so myself

“Hmm…Sure! When do we start?”

“Wednesday, in three days. Pack what you think you’ll need, once we get there, we’ll be, in effect, stupidly powerful mortals… I’ve actually forgotten what hunger, thirst, and exhaustion feel like… this’ll be really interesting for me…”

Because being OP all the time gets really fucking boring

“Hmm… I think I’ll be a wizard, learn dragon magic because dragons are pretty cool.” Eris says as she hugs him.

“Sure, go ahead… though you will still have some sort of your power left… probably just a natural inclination to all magic… I’m just going to revert to how I was when I was twenty one, a shadow manipulator…”

“I’ll go work on a staff now, I’ve been wanting to see if I could make one for a while now anyway.” She says before she snaps her fingers to poof away.

Umbra watches the cloud disperse, a smile forming on his non-existent lips, “...Goodnight, love..”

WHOOSH

Immediately after, I left the Universe to track down Landong, the Quantum Entanglement Officer... he's basically Q from James Bond... except he came from the Philipines, acts like a butler, and speaks like a Brit. He also makes the best Restriction Seals out of anyone of us Admins in this Branch.

Wednesday, day of departure

I slid out of the ground outside Flutters' cottage, Landong following behind. Eris was bouncing like a little girl, waiting for me.

“Good morning Eris, allow me to introduce you to Landong Star-Eater, he’s our Branch’s Quantum Entanglement Officer, or Q, if you will. He’s also in charge of placing restriction seals on any Admin that wants one… I just need mine touched up, right, Lan’?”

“That is correct, sir. All you need is for me to add the conditional release to your Seal, and for me to up the power.”

Eris leaned over and whispered “I think he’s British…”

“British in actions and accent, Filipino by race. Speaks Cebuano. Hey Lan, you ready?”

“Yes sir. All things are set on my end.”

Interesting thing about Landong, or Lan', as I call him: his subspace pocket is twofold: his pocket that holds stuff, and the pocket that holds the bag that the pocket is anchored two.

“Then… follow my lead!”

VWORPLE X 2

In the half second that the trip took, Eris had clamped her eyes shut and started clinging to my arms like a limpet, missing that half second light show.

“Eris… what are you doing? We’re here, you missed the light show…”

“Oh… I… uh… I thought it was going to be like teleporting where you feel like you’re getting squeezed out a tube and find out exactly what toothpaste feels like.”

Her blush is just so cute

“Well… I suppose I should have… wait… but… how did you forget? I took you to Earth a year ago, remember? Don’t you remember the sensation?”

I swear I took her to Earth once... didn't I?

“...No… you didn’t, you brought those movies from Earth for me to see, but you never took me to Earth. You said something along the lines of ‘it’s too polluted’ or something like that.”

I guess my memory's just really bad, then.

“...Oh...Remind me to take you one day, polluted though it may be, some parts are really worth it. Right! So, due to the nature of this Universe, we need to adopt more humanoid forms… don’t know why really, but I guess blending in is more important than I thought it was..."

“It quite is, sir… would you like those Seals now?”

Completely forgot about those.

“Huh? Oh, yeah! Hold on a minute, we should at least change first to keep the magic more stable.” And then I turned into a Tensa Zangetsu rip-off, with a cloak and armor instead of whatever Tensa Zangetsu wears.

“Alright… well… I haven’t been corporeal in… a long time. Interesting. Well Eris, your turn.”

Being corporeal also meant that I knew I'd have to use the bathroom for the first time in a very long time...

Eris thought for a second before snapping her fingers. Her body became shrouded in a soft white glow as her horns receded and her body took on proportions more like a human's. Her hips become a bit more pronounced and, as the glow faded, she ended up wearing a simple, blue wizard robe. She still had her normal horns, just quite a bit smaller. Her silvery hair fell in a long sweeping flow across her shoulders and framed her adorable cheeks.

It took all I had to not just sweep her off her feet and make out with her right there. That was the first goddamn time I'd ever felt like that...

“I...uh...wow...daaaammnn… You’re even cuter than you are normally…”

‘So cute… so pretty’

*Dude… You got it good this time. And half of your work is already half done, she wants you so badly.*

‘Can’t argue with that logic. I’ll take it slow, though I might speed it up a little...’

*Also can’t argue that logic, go get her tiger.*

‘Here we go...’

“Alright, then, Lan’, if you’re done with the Seals?”

“Right away, sir. Here you are… simply place them somewhere on your bodies to activate them. You’ll end up restricted to about 20% power, Lady Eris, and sir, you will revert to your beginning state with only the barest amount of Admin abilities, mainly to remove the seals. Is this acceptable?”

Lan': Always comes through with his seals. Humble guy he is, not like some of my other subordinates. (CIEN)

“Yeah, great work, Lan’... just… in the event that I get called away on an emergency, I want the Seals to release as soon as I’m called.”

“Of course, sir.”

Moments later

“Here you are, sir, milady. If there’s anything else?”

“That’s all, Lan’. Thanks for this, by the way.”

Thank gods, I'll still be able to help in the event of an emergecy.

“Of course, sir.”

With that, Landong Star- Eater left us on a forest trail, with Eris snuggling me like I was a teddy bear. And, to be honest, i was fine with that.

“This feels even better… now you’re warm.”

So I pulled her in tighter and really enjoyed the heck out of it.

“Yes, I suppose hugging a cold mass of shadow can only feel good on a summer day… or if you have a headache…”

I would imagine that there are other uses too, but those are pretty much the most prominent. Still Fiore is up ahead... I think... without a map it's hard to tell.

Eris was purring as we walked and I had to try not to have a heart attack. Because that was a thing I could do.

“What kinds of things are we going to be doing in this world? Slaying a lich? Stopping a sorcerer from making an entire kingdom disappear? Or are we going to be helping solve a bunch of Survival-Horror quests that would put even the most insane mind to shame?”

Ah, the expressions of a cute, excited girl.

“All of the above, of course! We’re still immortal, we have more power than many of the other heros in this Universe, and most of all, we’re here to have fun!”

“Awesome! I can’t wait!”

Thank gods! I can hide a miniature heart attack!

Oh look, the sun's setting.

“Uh… Umbra… Can we get some *yawn* rest?”

“Huh...wow...I *yawn* haven’t been tired in so long… just a little longer, I still have a subspace pocket and I have a lot of money from this Universe… the town of Fiore is just ahead… just a couple more minutes, then we can find a place to stay the night… Man, I’m tired…”

Still, I don't want to spend money...

“You know… I do have a spell called ‘Leomund’s Magic Hut’... We could use that to rest up for the night.”

Staaaaaaaaare~~~

“Why didn’t you tell me that earlier?”

“I… I was tired…”

...Close enough to a real reason to count... only because I love you so much, though...

“...Well, as long as there’s a reason… Cast away, wizard girl.”

Maybe not the best way to say something, but I was tired and carving stuff into a tree was fun.

‘This forest really is quite nice… though, I wish we didn’t ‘port in so close to sunset...’

pop

“Ooh… I like that one…”

Hot damn... that's actually a pretty nice cottage...

“It does have a rustic charm to it, yes… great, let’s head in and turn in for the night.”

Whoa nelly! Eris just grabbed my arm outta nowhere!

“Whoa, hey! Slow down! I’m actually a little fragile like this!... oh wow… this is a really nice cottage…”

Oh my god... look at all this art! I love this place.

“See… We could even live in a place like this and I’d be happy.”

“Maybe I’ll make a house like this back home… but for now, let’s just go to bed, I’m tired, you’re tired, and really, we have time to sleep.”

And then I passed out on the bed

The next day

I woke up with Eris snuggled to my chest, in her underwear. I'll admit it... it was probably the best sleep I'd had since ever.

‘I… I could really get used to this...’

'I can't believe I'm about to do this... but she needs to wake up... it's almost nine o' clock, and we need to go adventuring...'

“...Hey, Eris… it’s morning… get up sleepyhead…”

“Tell Celestia she needs to not get up early then… Luna’s night is better… means more sleepytime…”

Cute. So goddamn cute.

“C’mon, if you don’t wake up, we might not be able to do any questing today.”

“Morning should fall somewhere around noon… and then end the day at nine…”

“...Well, then you’d be complaining at noon…” Logic: It ruins your arguments.

“No, because then I would have more sleep… And sleep makes me beautiful.”

“Guess I can’t argue with that…” Logic: Still ruining arguments. Even if it is flawed.

Aaaannddd she's changing right in front of me... is she doing that on purpose?

“Alright, lets have some breakfast and go.”

Time for my famous Epic Post-Apocalypse Sized Breakfast Spread. Items include, but are not limited to: Waffles of every kind, Pancakes, bacon, eggs, orange juice, milk, tea, coffee, rolls, rice, dumplings, miso soup, meat buns, bean paste buns, strawberries, oranges, apples, bananas, blueberries, smoothies of multiple flavors, cake of different types, PBJs, BLTs, and various other sandwiches. All in all, a massive breakfast feast fit for a king.

“Umbra… We only needed breakfast… not a meal to last us through an apocalypse…”

Only the best for you, love.

“Heh heh, just wanted us to have some variety, after all… well, go on, dig in!”

I'd actually forgotten about just how great eating with a real mouth is...

“U-Umbra…?”

Gods, she's so cute... I wonder what she's gonna ask?

“Yes, luv? What’s up?”

“Well… I… Uh… I…”

“Hmm? You don’t have to go on if you don’t want to… but still, why haven’t you eaten anything?”

Seriously, she just sat next to me and started stuttering... I hope she's alright...

“...C-can… I have a kiss?”

Oh... oh damn... It's finally time to make my move. The opportune moment has arrived.

“I… what brought this on? Mind you, I suppose you can, but still, why?”

“It’s because… Well… When I’m with you I’m just, so happy… It’s as if I couldn’t possibly have a bad day whenever you’re around… This journey even has so much chaos that I wouldn’t want to share with anyone but you…”

Oh goddammit just come here and kiss me you beautiful woman.

“Same here, love. Now, you said something about a kiss?”

And then we made out for the next few minutes. And it was intense as fuck. It was fucking awesome.

“All these years… you felt the same way as I did, didn’t you?”

“Of course I did… I just didn’t act like it, now I regret not doing this sooner… Now come on, love, we’ve got a busy day today, eat up so we can get to questing.”

Lesson one of romance, Umbra style: tell the truth and change the subject... or something. Act sappy and actually care.

Oh man... she's making a mess of herself... stop looking at me and eat properly, girl!

“I notice that you seem to be having some trouble there… would you like me to feed you?”

It took the better part of an hour, but we managed to finish. Stowing the rest away, we exited the cottage and started down the road on an adventure that... that... fuck it, I don't even know how to say something so cliche and sappy. And neither does the author.

End Chapter 3

Chapter 4: In Which Questing and More Shipping Happens

Chapter 4 Alt Title: We're Up All Night to Get Lucky!

Y'know... maybe I shouldn't have touched that Book...

Why? Well...

Let’s just say that an unending horde of draugr, liches, zombies, revenants, Tanks, Boomers, and various other undead had been chasing me and Eris for the past seventeen miles… and they showed no sign of stopping anytime soon. Plus, Eris was running dry at that point, and so was I. There were a metric fuck ton of undead left to kill.

“Shit shit shit! Why the hell did this even happen to us!?” Eris screamed, sprinting away from the faster undead, dodging the ones thrown by the Tanks and Gargantuars frantically as she tried to spot any means of escape in the barren wasteland of Hell’s Desert. “I told you that you shouldn’t have touched the damn Necronomicon! It was down there for a reason! And you know that I hate the undead!”

She's got a point, y'know.

Shut Up, you!

“Shut up and run! We might not be able to die fully, but I doubt you want to be eaten alive!”

Six hours earlier…

So, we'd just finished breakfast and made it to Fiore when out of nowhere, this creepy looking guy pops out of nowhere.

“Greetings travelers! I welcome you to the town of Fiore! Now, word on the grapevine is that you are some very skilled adventurers, we really need some at the moment; so if I could have a moment of your time to detail our situation?”

I nearly killed him right there, but... I'm trying to not do that in front of Eris so much. I hate creepy looking people... The Merchant ruined them for me... and so did paranoia.

“But… We just got here… This is actually the first town we came to, how would you know if we were skilled or not?”

WHY AM I ALWAYS STRUCK BY HOW GODDAMN CUTE ERIS IS!?

Well, explanation time.

“Remember that time I showed you World of Warcraft? It doesn’t matter if we just got here, the world operates on RPG mechanics, just talk to people with stars and other stuff above their heads for quests. But, that’s not important right now, lead the way, sir.”

Huh. Nice House. Oh. Look. An entirely unremarkable looking person.

“My name is Sven Ericsson. My father is an archeologist down in Hell’s Desert. I, being a humble Merchant’s Apprentice, was unfit to follow him. If I had, perhaps he would not have disappeared three days ago. I’m willing to pay a large sum of money if it means getting my father back… please, will you help?”

Sven continued, “Oh thank you, thank you! Here, take this map. It will aid you on your quest. My father’s dig-site is located on here, go there first to look for clues! And good luck!” And he left.

Guess... he had things to do?

“Well… We had better get ready to go to Hell then… We have quite a bit of packing to do…”

Silly Eris, you'd need to pack if I weren't here, but I'm here so you don't.

“Not really, remember? I have a nifty little trick called a bottomless subspace pocket, Eris… everything is packed already…”

“So… We’re just going to Hell… It’s not like we’re going on some sort of all-important quest that has lives hanging in the balance or something… Maybe that guy we’re rescuing needs something to help him and I would like to make sure we have plenty of water in an easy-to-reach spot.”

“Bottomless. Pocket. Full of everything. Including my own personalized Universe. I think I have all the water we may need. I even have goddamn Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann in here. The thing that’s bigger than a galaxy.”

I am inordinately proud of my collection.

“...Tengen-whatnow?”

Oh yeah, I never showed her that series... or Universe.

“...you had to be there…”

Awkward.

“...A-anyways, let’s go… we should probably get there as fast as we can… though… I do wonder why Hell’s Desert is shown as only a few miles away…”

I love the way my cloak billows... I feel like a less greasy Snape.

“So… How many other planes of reality did you visit?”

“Gods, must have been billions… I recall one time I had to fix an entire Branch of the Multiverse… the Branch was shaped like a really big tree, as I recall… it took a hell of a long time…Besides, it’s just a name… I think… I don’t really think it’s part of Hell, it’s probably just the heat and stuff…”

Probably. Maybe.

“Nice… Any ones that were your particular favorite? I know I got to see that ‘Your Human And You’ branch of the Equestrian Multiverse… It was an interesting idea, if you didn’t mind the fact that ponies were actually quite cruel to humans even if they weren’t trying to be.”

Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrr. I hated that one... felt so wrong. Shiver. Shiver.

“Ugh… I… don’t really like that Universe… something about it just felt wrong when I was there, even if the coding was completely fine…”

Three hours later…

I was right; it was just really fucking hot, nothing special... except that really twisty set of ruins buried in the sands that we went into...

“Hey Eris?”

“Yes Umbra?”

“I think we got lost…”

“What makes you say that?”

“The map isn’t working, the walls have been shifting to cover our trail, I can’t sense the entrance, and I don’t remember how many turns we took… hey… what’s that glow?”

HOLY SHIT! A NECRONOMICON! I NEED TO ADD THIS TO MY SHOP!

“Hey, a necronomicon! Been a while since I could restock on one a’ these!... oh, and I think that’s Sven’s dad. Welp, into my pocket he goes. Now… let’s see about this book…”

“No! Don’t take tha-... Uh oh…”

Oh shit. Not again.

“...I get the feeling I may have made a terrible mistake… uhp, yeah… Welp, time to go!”

Fuck! Why is it always undead!?

“Shitshitshitshitshitshitshit!!!!! Shadow burst! Shadow Pierce! Dark sweep!... uh… Getsuga Tenshou!”

What sucks is the fact that the desert is really small, and directly borders Lich/Draugr country... also known as a Tamriel rip-off. So... the Arctic Circle. And we woke up more undead while there.

Back in the present…

Have I ever mentioned how much I love that Eris can cast Fireballs?

“Fuck! Why the hell are there Running Zombies!? Shadow Steal, Army Kill Mode! Quick! Into that cave up there! We have just enough of a lead to make it!”

This cloak is awesome! I can fly with it! Oh, and stealing shadows gives me my mana back. That's cool too.

“Okay, we should be safe… for now… most of the horde is gone already, so we should be able to pick ‘em all off once our mana is back… fuck… I hate being tired…”

“You may hate being tired… but at least it gives you a bit more of a thrill when you feel like there’s a chance of losing, so that victory is that much better. C’mon… I’ll make us something to eat…”

Thank gods... Eris makes the best food when I actually decide to eat her cooking instead of just bringing out my stasis-food.

“Uugh… yeah… here’s the food pack… and the camp stove… hold on, lemme drill a chimney first…”

And now I'm out for the next three hours.

Eris begins making some fish fillets, they actually smelled pretty good, especially with a little bit of seasoning. Leave it to Eris to devote herself to making a tasty meal even with the threat of death.

“Uuuuurrrgghhhhhhhhey! That smells awesome!”

Yeah. Give me some of that and I'll be juuuussst fine.

“That’s because it is awesome, despite Mom wanting Dad and I to live with less meat in our diets she still lets us have fish from time to time and Dad taught me some of his favorite recipes.”

“...remind me to thank your father the next time I see him… Jeez, your father taught you really well… I’m almost jealous now… I can’t exactly cook too well…”

Long story short: Negative temperature and flash-boiling a star into nothingness. I don't know how either.

“I’m sure you can cook just fine, when we’re done with this quest I’ll have you make dinner for me and we can see.”

“...Bad idea… I’ve literally created new states of matter when I try to cook… it has never gotten any better than poptarts in a toaster… I shit you not. Though… I think it’s mostly because I over kill it with my Admin powers…”

“Then try not using your Admin powers, use the tools instead of your powers, like I do… A perfect meal is made with love, not magic. Just ask King Neptune.”

Why did I ever let her watch Spongebob!?

“I should never have let you watch that show…”

“Still… You could do with some lessons anyway, and lucky for you, I’m one of the few people from Ponyville who aren’t averse to eating meat.”

“Thank gods for that… well, I’m just about done… everything seems to be back at a hundred percent… although…”

OF ALL THE FUCKING TIMES!

“... I hate having the other half of a digestive system… Oh gods why? Let’s pretend this never happened and get back to Fiore, eh?”

“Sure… Although, it should’ve taken a bit longer to go through your digestive tract so that we didn’t have to find out about it on-camera.”

“I think it was from this morning… and because one of the author’s is a troll…”

‘Dammit Jsyrin, not cool!’

“Oh well… At least we can go back to town and act like this desert didn’t happen.”

Thank gods for that.

Later…

“Huh… that was quick…”

Hey look! Italicized text! Up there! Right above my dialogue!

“Well, at least now we can pretend that never happened… let’s get this guy back to his son, yeah?”

I'll never admit it, but this guy is heavy like a sack of potatoes... really big potatoes.

“I really think we should wake him up or something. that way he can carry his own weight.”

“...”

Hey! There's my Pepper-Up potion stock!

“Gah! Buh, Wha!? Where am I!?”

“Relax, Mr. Leifson, your son sent us to get you. You’re back in Fiore… good thing too, you almost fell prey to a Necronomicon… nasty works they are…”

I don't know why I sell those damn things sometimes... Oh yeah, it's funny to watch people screw themselves over.

“Yep, so… basically, Not dead is where you are, and you should appreciate that… your son wouldn’t have liked to know that his father was dead.”

“Oh… alright… I’ll be on my way then, yes…”

“Right… let’s go find Sven…”

“Alright.”

Huh... I can't believe I never noticed how pretty this town is...

“You see him yet? I want to make sure the kid has his dad back.”

“Hmm? Oh yeah, he’s over there, in that market stall. Looks like he’s selling fruit or something…”

“Here, payment for bringing my father, I hope it serves you well.”

*Insert that one sound byte from Legend of Zelda, you know the one*

“Surprisingly small for five thousand… but as long as the cash is there.”

“Bags of Holding are really easy to make here I guess…”

They are, I checked.

“Welp, let’s go enjoy ourselves on the town tonight.”

“...Alright then. Where to?”

“Maybe… a nice restaurant for dinner?”

“Anything for you, love.”

Yes, I did just say that.

“So, anything in particular you’re interested in for dinner?”

“Saw a nice looking restaurant a few streets back, don’t know what they serve… but it should be interesting enough…”

“Then let’s go find it!”

Later…

Well... dinner was great, but I think I preferred the company of Eris a lot better... yeah.

“Hey Eris?”

“Yeah…?”

“There’s an inn just up ahead… do we get a single bed or a two bed?”

“Well… We should get a double… unless you want to just share the space of a single…”

“I guess… but you’re really fun to cuddle…”

BLUSH LIKE A TEENAGER

Main Street Inn, eh? Not the most imaginative name out there

“Y’know, I honestly did not know what to expect when we walked in… but this is actually really nice.”

“Yeah… This is actually really nice… Let’s get that room so we can start questing as soon as possible.”

Huh... the receptionist is an elf... and androgynous... ish...

“Good evening to you, good traveler! Would you like a room to stay the night?”

“Yessir, my lady and I would like to rent a single room for tonight.”

“Excellent! If you don’t find it too presumptuous, would you like a single bed or two beds?”

“Hmm… Eris? Your call.”

I'm not going to assume she only wants one bed.... no matter how much I want only one bed

“We’ll go with a single bed.”

FUCK YEAH

“Great! That’ll be twenty gold coins, unless you also want an included breakfast, in which case that’s an extra three! Is everything satisfactory?”

“Thank you, sir. So, which room is it?”

“Ah! Sorry, it’s room 213, up the stairs, to the left, third from the end. We wish you a good night, sir!”

Aaaannndd I almost tripped up the stairs because Eris is dragging me.

“Heh… that eager to sleep?”

“You could say that…”

Oh my.

“Oh my!”

“Lets rest… so that we can go on so… many… adventures…”

OH MY!

End Chapter 4

Chapter 5: No Lollygaggin'

Chapter 5 Alt Title: I JUST HAD SEX~ AND IT FELT SO GOOD~~

I woke up first after our...activities... last night. It was dawn, 6:00 a.m. ish. And really, I didn't care for being awake... well maybe a little. After all, it let me see Eris sprawled across my chest, snuggling me like a pillow. Gods, I did not want to wake her up, but she did anyway.

She nuzzled against me as she curled up a bit more on the bed, “That was amazing…” She sighed before letting out a small yawn.

“You were amazing, love…”

She was, she really, honestly was... I think the both of us were virgins up until last night, really. Well, I knew I was, at least.

'I get the feeling that Discord's gonna try to kill me for this... Doesn't matter, had sex!

She simply smiled before sitting up to stretch. “Yes… A night of wonderful pleasure and a day ahead of us filled with wonderful adventure… And I have you to thank for it.”

'Eyup... hate to use the meme... but do she got the booty? She do! I think I hate myself a little now.'

“Well, I suppose you do… now then, I think it’s time for a bit of actual adventuring, eh? What d’ya think, love?”

Yeah... questing sounds great, actually! Though...

“Actually, I don’t really think we can go many places without being given a quest first… I guess we better start exploring the town then… I don’t like talking to people much…”

“Then let’s go so this town can have the heroes they want.”

Ahh... my cute little friend has become my sexy, though still sorta little, girlfriend... and it's awesome.

“Allons-y!”

After a quick, but filling, breakfast

“Well… who so you wanna talk to first, love?”

“How about that guard-looking guy over there? He’s got a dragon symbol above his head!” Eris pointed in a vaguely eastward direction.

I looked over and indeed there was a dragon symbol, a red one containing the visage of a snarling dragon head in a circle, to be exact.

Eris walked up to the guard and smiled. “Is there anything that two amazing adventurers could help out with?”

“Ah severely doubt tha’, lass. For y’see, thar be a bit o’ a dragon problem in these here parts. My advise’d be t’ stay inside wiv’ yer fam’ly while th’ town guards handle it.”

'Holy shit! He sounds like Hagrid!'

She looked over, “You know… I think I want to go questing for the Crimson rod of Dragon Mastery… So we can deal with the dragons.”

“That actually sounds great. Hold on a mo’, need to do something real quick.”

I walked over to the (sorta, he didn't know better, after all) sexist guard.

“No Lollygaggin’.”

'Oh... oh I can work with this'

“...Y’know what, forget it. I was gonna do something funny, but I guess not.”

'Wait for it...'

“FUS RO DAH!”

“AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa………….” And the guard went flying.

'Hahahaaaaa! Totally worth it!

“Why did you even do that!?” Eris asked as she gave me an incredulous look.

“Don’t worry, he’ll respawn. Look, there he is!”

And sure enough, there he was... just like every last useless NPC I'd ever seen

“I said ‘No Lollygaggin’!” Eris rolled her eyes.

“NPCs, what’re ya gonna do?”

And thus, I led Eris away, ready for a day full of exciting adventure!

Or at least, I would have, had a dragon not attacked that instant.

“YOL TOOR SHUL”

“Oh come on! That’s a Skyrim thing!”

I knew I was being a hypocrite, but I just felt like shouting something.

“Shut up and attack the dragon already!” Eris screamed, already hurling spell after spell at the largely unconcerned hunk of flying, reptilian, fire-breathing death. She grumbled to herself as she began to cast a spell that would, hopefully, bring the dragon to the ground.

“Stand back, love, this might get a bit...messy,” I gently pushed Eris out of the way, preparing an attack that, hopefully, would end the battle in one move.

'Thank you, Simon for this idea. And Kamina too.'

“Here’s a little thing I learned from another Universe! Kurare! Kisatsu! Giga! Doriru! BREAKEEEEEERRRRR!” Launching from my spot on the ground, I made a massive shadow drill and rammed the dragon as hard as physically possible.

And did jack fucking shit. I could only stare a moment before getting slammed into a crater about a hundred or so feet down.

Shit hurt, bro.

“Augh! Shit that hurts!”

And then I read the stats on the dragon. Then showed them to Eris.

“You are such an idiot sometimes…”

“Oh...Shit…We’re gonna need to go all out for this one...”

'I can't even remember the last time I went all out...'

Eris gave me another look. “Ya think?” She snarked before using her staff to launch another fireball at the dragon.

'Snarky... but cute'

“Fuck… Not used to going all out… Fine. Oh please, please let this do something!”

I honestly didn't care that I sounded desperate at the moment, but I was actually almost panicking... before realizing that I actually had more magic than I thought before.

“Shadow… SCALPEL!”

With an unearthly wail of deafening silence, a beam of pure shadow rent the air between me and the dragon, striking it in the chest, doing seemingly nothing… until the beast began wailing in agony, shadow blades poking from various orifices, natural and otherwise.

'Tsss... yup. Surgery practice. Precise and painful as all hell.'

“...Oh you’ve gotta be shitting me…”

'Well... given that wasn't all out...'

“Well… Just deal with it…” Eris said as she dashed toward some large rocks for cover, “Focus on the dragon, not your damage, and we’ll get through this just fine…”

'Can't argue with that'

“Right. Well… I’ll cover you while you do your spell. Shadowscreen!” I took the opportunity to blind the dragon, creating a large box of shadow to contain the raging beast.

“C’mon! That’s not going to keep it still for too long!”

And it really didn't... well... it did last long enough, and that's what counts, right?

Eris’ eyes started glowing as she let another spell loose, electricity arcing from her hand up to the dragon with a cacophony of sound.

'Nice'

“Needle Forest.”

'Feel the unending shanks, bitch'

Bursting forth from the ground, my attack immediately impaled the dragon with a metric fuck-ton of hair-thin needles made of shadow, effectively immobilizing it and pinning it to the ground.

'And now...'

“Select Needles. Group. Rotate 90 degrees. Initialize.”

With a sound not unlike that of a blade sliding through flesh, the forest rotated around its central axis, tearing through the dragon, causing even more roars of agony

'Awwww yeaaaaahhhhh'

Eris used the rock to mud spell in order to sink the dragon into the ground, and then unleashed the transmute mud to rock spell to trap its arms and legs in place.

'Now that's useful'

The dragon immediately began to struggle, attacking everything around it with all of it’s available weapons.

“FO KRAH DIIN!”

Utilizing it’s thu’um once again, the Dragon tried to freeze the area around it, specifically its bonds.

“Hmm… its ice attacks are much more powerful than its fire… not surprising, it is a Frost Dragon.”

'No time to think! Time to kill a bitch!'

Immediately Eris let loose a Wall Of Fire spell underneath the dragon to engulf it in flames.

“Subspace Pocket: Open. Withdraw Artifact: Arondight: The Unfading Light of the Lake.”

'Thank you Type Moon Cluster, your contributions will be rewarded'

Withdrawing an immensely beautiful English Longsword from my pocket, I grabbed it, now more confident in my abilities to slay the dragon. Y'know... since Arondight does extra damage to dragons...

“Shadow Launcher Initialize. Cartridge Load. Launch: Arondight. Triple Spin Accel.”

'Chew on this, asshole'

Breaking the sound barrier and hitting Mach 3, the Magical Sword slammed into the unruly reptile, parting flesh like butter and impaling it with the full force of the second most popular hero of Arthurian Legend.

The Dragon locked up, still in the throes of immense, enraged agony, but now unable to move until the Stun Lock wore off.

“Heh… almost forgot about my trusty pockets… Withdraw! Shining Sword of the Lake! The Sword of Promised Victory! Withdraw! EXCALIBUR!”

'Fuck YEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!'

Eris took a deep breath as she readied another spell. “You know… sometimes I really hate our luck…”

“Hmph… Me too…” Hefting the brightly glowing, golden, majestic, unearthly, HOLY blade, I smirked before dashing at the dragon, still in Stun Lock, and striking out, cutting through the dragon just as easily as I had with Arondight. Once the blade penetrated, I released it’s majestic power. Would have been a shame not to

“EX-CALIBAAAAAAAAA!”

And with a burst of radiance that blinded nearly everyone in the vicinity, a massive beam of HOLY Light burst through the Dragon, simultaneously inflicting massive wounds and breaking it out of Stun Lock.

“Oh… Balls.” I muttered before I was slapped aside by the now incredibly pissed off dragon, the beast itself being shrouded in an energy cloak made of darkness, frost, and the nightmares of children everywhere.

“...Double balls…Ow, my spleen…” I whimpered a little, having broken at least two of my ribs and torn open a dozen lacerations from both the impact and the resulting thirty foot skid.

'Thank you Subspace Pocket'

“Withdraw: Health Potion.”

“Much better. Eris! Catch! Withdraw: Mana Potion!”

Tossing the potion over, I turned back to the dragon charging directly at us. Time to impact: T-minus 10 seconds.

Eris quickly downed the potion and let loose another chain lightning spell at the dragon to throw it off course.

“VEN GAAR NOS!”

The cyclone generated by the dragon’s shout head directly towards us, tearing up everything in its path. Panicking a bit, I leapt forward with a cry of

“Dark Fortress!”

Immediately, a massive, black, medieval themed wall sprang from the ground, blocking the cyclone’s advance, though it still began to grind through.

“C’mon...c’mon… don’t fail me now…”

The cyclone continued it’s pace, the dragon content to just sit and wait for the blockade to fall. A foot… two feet… five… and about an inch from breaking through, the cyclone dissipated, vanishing back into the air that made it.

“Oh thank god. Now… allow me to reply in turn. Eris! Set up the biggest wind spell you can… I got a plan!”

I slipped out three objects from my Pocket: A sword and two amulets, one tentatively shaped like an eye, the other like a five point star. Slamming all three together, I waited for Eris to begin her spell.

With a quick flourish of her hands, Eris let loose a Cloudkill spell, bringing in a fog to weaken the dragon.

“Heh, thanks love. Sword of the Storms! Star Hanabi! Eye of Dashi! Fire-Lightning-Tornado!”

True to name, a massive, flaming cyclone crackling with pent up lightning blasted its way towards the dragon, which, due to the Madness Enhancement, proceeded to just tank through it, disregarding any and all damage that it took.

“Now we’re getting somewhere!”

“Yeah! After like… Forever!” Eris replied as she cast a spell on me.

“Let’s not curse a good thing, love.” Rushing forward to meet the once again charging dragon, I proceeded to draw another sword, this one utterly incomprehensible, unable to be understood by anyone without true Understanding.

“EA: SWORD OF RUPTURE!”

I leapt, carried high into the air by my cloak, the dragon following and trying to tear me a structurally superfluous new behind with its gnashing maw.

“Need a bit of height to keep the casualties down… Che. GAZE UPON THE GOLDEN SPLENDOR OF EA, YOU WORTHLESS WORM! LOOK UPON ME AND BE THANKFUL THAT I HAVE ALLOWED THEE TO GAZE UPON MY FORM! NOW… KNOW TRUEST DESPAIR AND COWER BENEATH THE MIGHT OF… ENUMA ELISH!”

Following my Ham-tastic speech, a massive rent of purest TRUTH split its way across the sky, impacting the dragon and carrying it down into the unforgiving earth below. Impacting the ground, the dragon made one last attempt at a roar, choked off from the pressure and the impact. The attack lasted for another minute, blasting the beast into a massive crater of disintegrating reptilian flesh.

Basically, I killed it via impact and disintegration.

“Huh… glad...that’s...over… huh… kinda...sleepy now…”

Then I passed out like a bitch, the last thing I registered being Eris catching me when I fell...

End Chapter 5