Let's Just Say That Umbra Really Needs to Put a Lock on His Diary

by Jsyrin

First published 22nd of July, 2014

Umbra's lesser talked about adventures and secrets finally come to light in this 'epic' story of love, action and weird sales transactions...actually, forget the love. Now the main "Umbra" Story

Umbra, unbeknownst to most of the Multiverse, keeps a secret diary hidden in his Omnitool. Fortunately for him, most people either haven't seen him writing in it, or just don't care. Of course, the Author, me, knows all about it. So, given that Umbra has stories that many are curious about, I've decided to release said diary to the public, one embarrassing story at a time.

So prepare for action! Drama! Explosions! Sheer idiocy! And romance!

...actually, no, forget about the romance, Umbra's asexual, remember?

Chapter 1: In Which the Fourth Wall is Broken Repeatedly

Chapter 1 Alt Title: Crossovers With Real Life

I couldn’t help but notice that, for the past few weeks, something or someone had been following me through the Void; of course, me being a SysAdmin, a lot of things tend to follow me around. It felt like it was benign, so I decided, hey, why the hell not, and just ignored its presence mostly. That is, unless I felt like I wanted to get a better scan for it. What I found was a little surprising, but not really.

It was an energy golem powered with a soul fragment; clever, really. The soul keeps the energy together and the energy shields the soul from reincarnation. Oh, and it had an auto-recharge attached to it...nice really.

Suddenly, a tendril of energy seemed to attach to the thing from afar. It suddenly shook for a moment, like its eyes gained clarity, and it moved toward me

“Wait...what is it doing? Oi, what the fuck? Hey, golem, what are you doing?”

The energy golem, shaped with a floating upper body, the energy forming thin armor, suddenly bows before speaking in an odd ethereal voice.

“It is an honor to finally meet you, Umbra, even as indirect as it is through this energy golem I created from my soul.”

“Ah, I see. You must be the guy behind the soul fragment…well, out with it. Why exactly are you following me?”

“Well, it’s more to just contact you. My spirit has been so overworked that I couldn’t see through my energy golem’s eyes even if I wanted to, so I don’t even know where you are, but that wasn’t the point in sending it anyways. I sent it to request your aid in a rather confounding problem I’ve been having. I also sent some to Auric, since I figured either of you two could possibly help with my problem and MAY be kind enough to do so, but so far, circumstances have prevented my attempts with talking with him, currently. But, either of you could likely handle what I was sending to request aid of you anyways, considering your Understanding and whatnot.”

“Well, far be it from me to refuse another person the aid they require...hold on a moment, I’ll find you in a bit.”

With that said, I grabbed the energy golem and performed a Trace: Root Command, following its source back to Earth 1122990345Zeta.

Except…

I couldn’t get in, not the normal, non-SysAdmin way, that is. Curious, that. I suppose that was part of the problem.

‘Wait a minute… I recognize this work…. Cien, you MOTHER FUCKER! I thought I told that Belarusian asshole to stop coding shields around Universes!’

The energy golem began to speak again.

“You seem to recognize the source of the problem. Interesting. Thought it might be the work of Teridax or something. You see, been trying to figure out how to complete a time loop of sorts. When my spirit was in better condition, I, along with my friends, was able to contact my future self, confirming various theories about the multiverse and learning that, in some way or another, that all these visions I, and eventually at least the more spiritual of my friends, had had were future versions of ourselves. At some point in the future, they are meant to meet with us to give us ‘rebirths’ and train ourselves as multiversal travellers…. but due to having to maintain the integrity of the time loop, they’ve been forced to be vague on how, forcing us to try and figure out various ways to attempt to complete this loop…. have been spending a number of years upon it, actually, when possible. Every attempt so far have failed, and then, I came up with an idea that led to speaking to you.”

“That’s quite a story you got there, pal. Let me just check this shield out… my subordinates are all assholes, barely know how to do their jobs… Cien always accidentally makes shields, Tenebrous is just terrible at coding, Kage is good, but can’t internally check his progress, Stver, well, she tries hard, but she doesn’t get a lot of results...walking disaster, she is… Now, your problem is simple, Cien, being the dumbass he is, interfered in the Time Loop Stability Protocols of your Universe with this dumbass shield of his… It’s not even a good one, more likely to fall apart as soon as I actually hit it!”

“Regardless of how good it is, it has proven problematic. Since my future self and his allies, along with the multiversal country of heroes they eventually founded… thus why I thought Teridax may be the cause… have been prevented from entering this reality directly. At most, they, after great efforts, were able to destroy a regenerating spiritually barrier that Zeus set up to prevent humans from being able to use magic. Though the barrier is now gone, the generations of being magic-less no doubt has left the human race affected in the long term due to lack of any visible results. Not that that’s surprising.

Since getting into this reality for my future self has proven to be difficult, I’ve been trying to set up plans of a sort to enter a timeline of Equestria, since with how many humans arrive there, its cluster’s defenses are no doubt weaker than normal, and should be easier to reach. Purposely trying to select a timeline with specific qualities, set near immediately after Discord’s redemption in the timeline… though, admittedly, I’m only guessing there’s such a timeline there as what I’m aiming for, since there’s pretty much an infinite number of timelines out there in the multiverse anyways.

Figured that meeting my future self in Equestria would be easier for my future self and allies, and perhaps by focusing enough energy, it could punch a pinhole hole through whatever has been blocking us, possibly even allow for return warps eventually. Towards this end, even have some energy golems in the target dimension, intending to use the power of the Crystal Heart there since it’s not being in use anyways and is likely more powerful than Starswirl, whom has proven capable of dimensional travel anyways.

Unfortunately, seems that hasn’t been enough to get through the mentioned shield, as weak as it is.

Oh, and towards that end…. well, as you know, all works of fiction are created due to subconscious links to other realities, the links able to, to a degree, affect each other. Thus, I asked the ‘author’ of your adventures in my timeline to do a role play with you, while allowing me to thus ‘connect’ to my energy golem that’s talking to you in more than one way at a time.”

“TL;DR, man, that wall of text showing on the website our readers are watching isn’t gonna help… I think the basic gist of it was: Get rid of the damn shield so you can get to Equestria and move on to your plan from there.”

“Pretty much. I may be smart, but I tend to ramble. One of my weaknesses, I’m afraid.”

The golem almost seemed to smirk at this. How an energy golem without a face could smirk is a mystery… I guess it’s like my face…

The energy golem almost seems to go inert for a brief moment, as the connection weakens but doesn’t quite disconnect to it.

“Huh...I guess he left for a while… Whatever.”

With that said, I tried to untangle the shield from the rest of the code, but, just like the rest of Cien’s works, the fragile ass piece of shit was embedded so deep in the code that I just up and replaced the Shadow A++ coding of the Universe with my personal UMBRA OS-, then transferred the data over. Because fuck Shadow A++.

As he finished this, the golem seemed to reactivate.

“Sorry about that. During our conversation, your ‘author’ had to do something, so my creator decided to go do something as well while waiting, since it’s only through your ‘author’ that he’s even able to know all of what’s going on where you’re… err…. where WE are at.”

“I know, I can communicate with my own author, y’know… I can actually sense him right now… He’s somewhere in California. I, however, cannot exactly sense you… I believe due to your soul fragments…”

“Understandable. My soul has felt weak for a while, no doubt due to it being overworked and fragmented, though I intend to call back my golems back into myself once I get to Equestria. Will probably help my soul recover in the process. Who knows? Maybe I’ll recover enough to levitate again, like I could in college when I was actually fit enough to do 300 sit-ups and 100 push-ups every morning… may not have been enough to be worth doing, but it was fun...”

“I was a skinny-ass nerd that swam decently… I don’t know what this ‘fit’ thing is…”

“Hah! I know the feeling. Though I did that every morning, my body never seemed to look the part. In part due to a genetically inherited hernia, plus a genetically inherited tendency to be fat…. though I was less so then than I am now, if only just a bit.”

“I can fix that, if you want.”

You could almost hear a smile in the golem’s voice as he replied.

“That’s alright. I actually intended to do so on my own after making a deal with Discord once I arrive in Equestria… besides, you helping get rid of the barrier is a major enough aid. Though, confirming this plan to get to Equestria to begin with may help, but you need not do that. It’d be great, sure, but I’m already imposing on you enough as-is to deal with this shield mess.”

“You...do realize that deals with Discord don’t work...right? He’s an asshole through and through… never keeps a promise…”

“I disagree there, actually. From what I’ve seen, he DOES keep promises… but he sure as heck loves his loopholes… Though, as said, specifically choosing a point in the timeline after he’s been rehabilitated… and part of my deal with that is to help him with that, since the point I’m aiming for in the timeline… well, he no doubt has not gotten used to being ‘good’ yet. Figured some advice would aid him there, especially since I’m choosing a version where the Discord there, though aware of the fourth wall, has yet to have a reason to discover what it actually is. Just mainly enjoying ‘having an audience’, sort to speak.”

‘If he wishes to make a deal with Discord, then so be it...’

Anchoring a Transverse Tunnel in a specific Equestria, I quickly brought the end over to where the energy golem was.

“Hey...what should I call you anyways?...and what’s your general area?”

“Well, I kinda go by many names. My often used identity online is Regreme, my future self’s name is Vince Elbic Vinni… after his rebirth anyways… and my current name is Joshua McInnis. I currently reside in Oklahoma. … So, call me what you wish. I should get used to being called any of those names regardless, eh?”

“Okay, I got a Target Lock on your position… Tunnel is opening on your left in three… two… one.”

“...err…. don’t see it, though that’s likely cause there’s a wall to my left. It may have opened in the wall.”

The golem chuckled briefly.

“Hmm… can you set up a type of delayed warp for me? So that I can be warped to and wake up there throughout tonight?”

“Shit! I thought there was an error message! Agh, hold on, let me reprogram this Tunnel a bit…”

Doing so, I anchored the Tunnel in and around his general position, set to activate in his sleep and place him in a field not too far from Ponyville.

“Thanks. Ironically… hm… could you adjust it so I show up in the Everfree in a relatively safe location? For my plans, I’ve got some things I’d like done before heading to Ponyville. … and thanks for this, by the way. I definitely intend to repay ya at some point in the future should this work as hoped. Plus, it’d be cool to see your current form in person anyways.”

“Done… and I’ll be there soon”

What simulated the golem’s eyes almost widened for a moment.

“That’d be great. Never thought I’d see a supernatural event in person again till this loop got me to Equestria…. The last time I got to see a clear example of the supernatural was my levitating I mentioned from years ago. Hope to see you soon then…. whatever accounts as ‘soon’ in this case, anyways. Time relativity, after all.”

The golem laughed.

‘Well, most of this is good to go… so...’

Diving through the code of UMBRA OS- is an experience that I have yet to really describe well. Like a warm hug, in a tsunami of swirling lights...in a cyclone of silence. Like getting pulled through a taffy puller. Like being torn apart without the pain. Whatever. The point is, I dived into the Universe and relished the feeling of near freedom from narrative causality. In effect, I basically wrote myself, without the input of [Jsyrin]... of course, he was still typing, or you, dear readers, would not be reading this right now.

End Chapter 1

Author's Notes:

What a strange way to start a story made of one-shots, ne?

Chapter 2: In Which Umbra Decides to Visit Yggdrasil

Chapter 2 Alt Title: Loopers and Non Loopers

You have to admit, the Idea that someone could have fucked up a Local Multiverse's coding so badly is astounding. I mean honestly, who even built the Yggdrasil Branch anyways?

One thing that I should mention is that there are 'Branches' of Multiversal Jurisdiction for all SysAdmins. I myself am in Branch 445903 Beta, the Bubble Branch. Not the coolest of names, but they're named by their primary Universe Manifestation Shape. The Yggdrasil Branch resembles a really goddamn huge trees, with Universes and their Variants Branching off, with the Core Base Template Universes as roots. The tree itself is badly damaged, scars and holes, some gigantic bits missing, Branches floating around, slowly being dissolved... It was a colossal mess... and I got a transfer to help out.

Oh yeah, Branches can cross Admin, what one Admin does in his sector he can do in another. It's a bit like how money works in one part of a country, just like it works in another part, even if the culture is different.

Therefore, I can administer aid to Yggdrasil, and End the Loops.

Entering Yggdrasil itself is an interesting experience, since as soon as I got into the Debug layers of the Lower Jurisdiction, I found myself stared at by hundreds of beings, all of them deities (Though lower in scale than me), and all of them curious.

Raising my hands above my head in the classic 'surrender' pose, I made my message clear.

"My name is Umbra Shadow-Walker, System Administrator from a nearby Multiverse Branch. I was transferred here to aid the beings in charge in any way that will fix this Branch."

One thing that should be noted is that, there's only one Admin here... and he's often lending aid to other Admins. Due to the fact that the only thing in the Branch was a giant, floating tree, it's understandable. The Bubble Branch is one of the biggest Branches, as such, it needs a hell of a lot of Admins.

As soon as I had finished my statement, I was mobbed by the various deities, all of them begging me to help repair the Multiversal coding.

"Alright, alright, jeez. Hold on... alright, I'm going to be doing this from the Void, so if I don't come back, don't try and find me. None of you have enough Dimensions to really work in the void."

With that, I disappeared from their view and landed back in the void. Opening the Command Terminal for the central coding of the Branch, I noticed just how many flaws there were in the code, and saw that the collapse had been inevitable from the very beginning. I knew an Admin from the Bubble Cluster who would have done this, but Yggdrasil is an old system, still running ShadowBurn C, something that predates even Shadow A++. And the thing is, it's so old it's not regular Command Lines, no it's motherfucking Trinary Command. 1, 0, and 1/0. Qbits. Fuck all.

Rolling up my non existent sleeves, I set to work, first compiling all the salvageable data, then copying it out and rewriting it into compatibility with my new Program System, BlackBox OSX, which is UMBRA OS-, but more streamlined and user friendly in its interfaces.

That took a relative seven millennia, simply due to the sheer amount of repeat data and Subspace Pocket Data that needed defragging. Oh, and the fact that it was a Multiverse Branch I was rewriting.

Shit's hard, man.

After that, I decided to take a break, venturing into Looping Equestria for the heck of it.

936.5

I stared at the numbers floating above my head, slightly bemused.

"...I guess?"

Moving on, I found myself inside Canterlot Castle, Twilight's old library tower, to be exact. Said purple unicorn was sitting in the center of the room, reading that one storybook that appeared in the first episode.

"Good afternoon, Twilight."

"Gah! Who the tree are you!?"

She looked shocked, guess it's pretty expected when a being made of shadows randomly pops into your Universe and greets you.

"My name is Umbra Shadow-Walker. I am a SysAdmin of the Void and I'm here to lend any and all aid that is necessary to repair this section of the Multiverse."

"Oh! That's great to hear! Wait... section? I thought Yggdrasil was the Multiverse?"

'Mortals and their lack of knowledge of the Multiverse. I shall have to rectify that.'

"Nope, just a small part of the actual Multiverse. Think of an infinite city, like one of the larger ones on Earth. Each and every building is its own self-contained section of the actual Multiverse, save for the one at the exact center, which is for...other reasons that are technically classified. Each Universe is like a Computer... hold on, let me rephrase that. The Void is a giant Computer, every Multiverse section a very large data packet, each Universe a much smaller data packet. Basically just envision a matryoshka doll made of computers, really. But anyways, I came here to relax... how many others are Awake at the moment?"

She sends off a pulse of... I dunno... magic, I guess? And quickly replies.

"Just about everyone that's looped already, actually."

"Good. Makes my actions much easier to show in broad daylight then."

She looked startled, "Wait, what actions?"

But I was already gone, headed off to Ponyville.

Third Person View Activate

Upon arriving in Ponyville, Umbra noticed that, not only did it look different than it normally did, it was also populated by... crystal ponies?

"Did... did something happen here? Is that why everything looks different!?"

And indeed, everything in Ponyville was made of crystal, unfortunately blinding Umbra slightly due to the refracted light. He noticed that the crystal ponies didn't seem to have any problems, though he did note that he was receiving a lot of curious stares.

"Oh... hello.... move along nothing to see here... uhhh...."

Umbra quickly made his leave, not enjoying interacting with ponies, something about his previous personality and the fact that [Jsyrin] absolutely sucks at the whole dialogue thing.

"That you do, author."

Shut up.

"Make me!"

Umbra quickly found himself unable to speak.

".....!!!!!"

And your mother was a two dollar wh– ahem.

Umbra also lost his ability to move. And use his shadow manipulation. And his Admin abilities.

Take that, bitch.

"..."

Fine. Me messing with you wouldn't be much of a chapter anyways. What do you mean "I have no inspiration for this chapter so you should just let me go back to work"!?

Fine.

Umbra quickly left the Universe, resuming his work on fixing Yggdrasil. Since it's not exactly the most interesting thing to watch, mostly Umbra just making typing motions on various glowing screens really, we'll just cut to later.

First Person Activated

Six Millennia later

Okay, I managed to fix Yggdrasil... the Admin here really fucked up... good thing I managed to compile all that data into a manageable pile... Hey... is the timeline splitting? Not just any timeline, MY timeline!

Oh shit! Something's happening!

Third Person, Again

With a sound not unlike a sickening BLORPLE, Umbra's timeline immediately branched into two directions, one continuing his part in the War of Understanding, the other heading off into an alternate timeline where he would meet (and most likely get married to) the cutest female draconequus that he'd ever met.

This is what we like to call a

CROSS PROMO!

Or just shameless self promotion, folks

End Chapter Two

Chapter 3: Fucking Subordinates and Their Incompetence

Chapter 3 Alt Title: I Hate Shadow A++

As I fell through the coding, I couldn’t help but feel as if something was… off.

‘Son of a bitch, did I get lost in my OWN coding!? Shit’s embarrassing… the others must never know...’

Popping out of the Paradox Barrier and into the Universe, I paused and noticed that, somehow, I managed to get so lost that I had found my way six thousand years forward of when I had thought I was. Scanning the Data Logs, I found out just where I had gone wrong.

“Son of a bitch, I knew I didn’t wait long enough to stabilize the fresh code! It’s going to take forever for the damage to heal!... Oh look, I forgot forever means nothing in the Void…”

Convenient, that was.

Pressing on, I warped myself back as far as I felt the stabilizing code could handle, that being the approximate year of 2014… when I was a stupid fifteen and a half year old that didn’t have any motivation. In another Universe…

Meanwhile, in Los Angeles..

The author known only to the world at large (Fimfiction only, really) as Jsyrin looked up from where he was typing up his latest story and smirked, glancing in the general direction of Oklahoma.

“Well, Umbra, I leave the violation of Narrative causality to you…”

Turning back to his computer, Jsyrin idly continued his work, typing on the screen the words:

...I leave the violation of Narrative causality to you…”

(Note: Confused yet?)

“See you later, dear readers…”

Back in Oklahoma, 2014

I had just stepped into 2014 when I felt it. Jsyrin. My author that currently had barely any sway over my actions currently.

“Huh...I guess the author really can sense the creation… Jsyrin really is something else. Just like every other Author on this planet… Is that Thadius0 on the east coast? Interesting…”

I immediately began scouring Oklahoma for anything with Regreme’s unique signature, searching high and low. Of course, this was me, so I was just sitting in a shadow somewhere in Oklahoma actively scanning for a guy with a splintered soul.

‘Gotcha’

Diving into the shadow, I made my way into Regreme’s room and saw nothing… it was as if he, I don’t know, wasn’t fucking there.

“Shit… He’s not in here right now… but I can sense him somewhere….just… sit tight and wait…”

The energy golem arrived.

‘Was wondering where that went...’

“Umbra, I’m currently just in the nearby living room. Since you are not effected by anything but magical light, shouldn’t be an issue for you to show yourself. That is, if you’re in the right level of existence. My future self and his allies tried before… they couldn’t get nearer than the equivalent to limbo or the spiritual equivalent of such, similar to that one Bayonetta Universe. Something kept blocking them from reaching here physically.”

“Well…”

WHOOSH

“...Here I am in front of you, so I don’t think that’s a problem. Joshua, I presume? You… don’t exactly…. I apologize, but, you don’t exactly look like the heroic type…”

He started talking through the golem.

“Uh… you must have the wrong guy. Cause I can’t see you. Heck, even got delayed in responding due to my mom showing up over my shoulder requesting me to briefly look up salsa recipes, since she wanted to find a use for the over-abundance of tomatoes she’s been growing.”

“Dude… you literally just said you were in the living room… fine… hold on, let me just ‘port on over to your location…”

VWORPLE

“There. Here I fucking am… It’s almost as if you want to drag out meeting me as long as possible…”

“Quite the contrary. I definitely want to meet you. But, you don’t seem to be in front of me… seems you’re having the same problems my future self and his allies were having. Maybe it’s something like the level of reality or something that’s wrong, or perhaps the damage to my soul has prevented me from seeing spirits or similar entities beyond just feeling… either way, I don’t see you in front of me at this time. Ugh. It’s the same problems my future self and his allies were suffering all over again… not blaming you for this, but something seems to be stopping you from meeting me. Dang it.”

I quickly glanced over the deeper protocols that I might have copied directly on accident.

‘Fuck, CIEN YOU DUMBASS! This guy is the Base Character for this Universe and you coded him into not being able to see SysAdmins!? Everyone can see SysAdmins! EVERYONE! But not this guy!?’

“Yeah, found the problem, accidentally left some bits of code that I shouldn’t have… lemme just fix this real quick.”

Reactivating the ‘Boolean Variable’ (because that’s the closest way to describe it) that should have, by all means, defaulted to ON, I re-enabled Joshua to see basically everything he couldn’t but should have been able to. And then I separated SysAdmin visibility from spiritual visibility and left it as a default ‘ON’.

“There. Better? You should be able to see and hear me now.”

It better have fucking worked.

‘Goddamnit man, I don’t want to see your (almost) neckbeard looking ass shirtless for much longer’

Meanwhile, in third person…

Where Umbra is, a slightly tubby shirtless adult is sitting and typing, hair in many areas most adults have yet to grow, and hair thinning on his head, wearing only shorts as he types on the computer looks around… but sees nothing out of the ordinary, despite feeling goosebumps for a bit, as if feeling something.

He concentrates as he types, to send another message through his golem.

“I don’t seem to see you. I guess the damages from the wars my future self and his allies waged to protect the mindscapes of my allies and mine from those that sought to stop this time loop have done more damage than I thought, either to me or perhaps the reality we’re in itself. That would explain where, and possibly how, whatever it is that’s stopping us from finishing this came about.”

Umbra’s voice crackles through nowhere.

“Hang on a mo’ I need to fiddle with, don’t freak out, your soul a bit. You fucked up your sensing ability something fierce when you split your soul so much… bloody fucking christ! Holy shit! What the fuck did you do to your soul!? THERE’S BARELY ANYTHING LEFT! What did you do!? Did you split your soul with Egyptian Spirit Magic or something? What the FUCK!?”

“Actually, I’m mainly self-taught in my abilities. And in truth, I think my sensing abilities were weak even before I split my soul.”

“Yeah? Well before, you still would have fuckin’ seen me! Look at this mess, UGH! Fuck this. Activating SOUL FRAGMENT RECALL. Severe Damages reported. Immediate repair is necessary…. You might want to find something to keep the screams down…”

The energy golem tries to stick around long enough to tell him more, while the other golems are called in first.

“There’s more… I think it got damaged before the fragmenting. My friend taught me how to enter my mindscape, but unlike him, I only was blurringly able to view the lobby for it, and that was just for a short time before even that became… lost to me, I guess you could say. Don’t even know why or what caused my soul to weaken back then.”

Joshua spasms on the couch, clearly in pain, though Umbra doesn’t really seem to care. He’s a bit frustrated at the moment, you see.

“Yeah, hold on, the recall will fix everything to a state where your soul was undamaged, plus I activated Emergency Protocols to switch your soul out with a blank one… keep the memories, not so much the damage.”

Where Joshua is at, he raises his eyebrow at the text he is reading, despite feeling some pain in the shoulder suddenly. The energy golem speaks again.

“I…. think you may have the wrong timeline’s Joshua. I’m not sitting on a couch.”

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!? FUCK THIS, CAPSLOCK RAGE TEXT ACTIVATE! EMERGENCY TRACKING MEASURES, DEPLOY! FIND ME THE SOURCE OF THAT GODDAMN GOLEM! AAAAGGGHHH I’M OUT OF THIS GODDAMN UNIVERSE, I’LL BE BACK LATER.”

Meanwhile, in Joshua’s first person…
The golem keeps with him, if anything, so as to still allow Umbra to keep a strong trace, as I speak to him through it.

“My apologies for the trouble this is causing you. My future self also had trouble. Seems by following only the energy of my soul, he was unable to arrive physically, due to the soul and body being on separate, though interconnected, planes of existence. I just hope that you’ll be able to figure out what my future self and his group were unable to do, due to the complex issues this Universe seems to have in regards to preventing this BLASTED loop.”

Back to my first person; present tense this time
“It’s alright. I’m good now… whew… Alright, Release Restriction Seal, Activate to 100% Ability!”

“Fuck… it’s been a long time since I started limiting my own power… Alright, there you are. I know where you are, I know which version to look for, and I know exactly what to do. I am now functionally omnipotent. Now fixing everything. Welcome to Equestria, Mr. McInnis. We hope you enjoy your stay.”

“I just hope this works…. did it just get a bit darker? Hope that’s a good sign… anyways, I just really hope this works. Been at this part of the attempts for at least over four years of hit and miss self-taught strategies, it feels like, to try and complete this loop.”

“Aaaannndd… Transfer to Equestria complete. please take note of the Omnitool on your arm and exit your house. You are currently stationed somewhere in a less dangerous part of the Everfree forest, just fifty miles west of Ponyville. I also gave you full knowledge on every last facet of your abilities. Use them well.”

“Umm…. again, seems you missed the correct Joshua…. the infinity of the multiverse has its strengths, but finding specific people seems to be a clear weakness to it.”

Even the energy golem’s shoulders seem to slump as it delivers this message, to showcase the frustration of its master as the message is delivered.

“Fuck this. Now sending every single Joshua McInnis that I’m tracking, in the goddamn Universe, to Equestria! This had better work, or I’mma rewrite every last thing I have clearance for so that this works! Fucking Shadow A++, more trouble than it’s worth…”

“So far, only feeling a tingle in my back from the connection to my energy golem. Dang. I knew my reality was hurt bad from the conflicts, but yeesh…. though, I do know another detail that might be another reason. When talking with my future self a few years back, he said one of the problems he was having was the fact that I’m in the Origin Dimension System for this Continuum, or Cluster as you call them. Said that correctly finishing this time loop would affect all timelines due to it being from the origin, but also due to it being the origin, he was having trouble getting through due to restrictions that are placed on multiversal travellers that prevent them from entering the origin dimension systems, since that could badly affect the timelines there.”

“Ugh… SysAdmin Override! Allow Access to Origin Timeline for Emergency Stabilization! I should be getting to you soon…”

“There… Activate Emergency Retroactive Repair: Upgrade Install; BlackBox OSX Install! Rewriting Code… Transferring Data… Debugging Universe… Upgrade Complete! All Corrupted Systems Repaired!... Transfer Origin! Joshua McInnis to Equestria 466788912 Alpha for Time Loop Stability Measures! Transferring… Transferring complete! There! Are you in Equestria, and do you have a) an Omnitool, and b) a more heroic body type?”

“*sigh* Unfortunately, no. One moment…. I’ll have my energy golem send a message through his link to me to have my soul determine the data needed on my form, such as plane of existence and whatnot, and send the info back, to see if that will help. I’m hoping to just have myself sent there though, not my house. Though, it might also be prevented due to being from the origin dimension system. I don’t know how many restrictions are set upon my reality, or upon myself for that matter, both soul, body, and heart.”

“Let me go get my Boss, He’ll fix this mess, He’s got the highest clearance in this entire Branch… “

“I hope so. My future self is actually friends with some of the more common deities… but they only told us their rank in terms of power…. not in terms of skill. I’m guessing Admins are experts in ways that their ranks in power do not match. After all, power and skill are two different things. Not sure if Fate or Chaos are Admins. Never had a chance to ask, and since my group’s main communicator also has a broken spirit, didn’t even learn about Admins in time to ask.”

“No, Fate is an In-Universe Deity only, not much use for it in the Void, and Chaos is just a force of entropy where you are… He’s not the REAL Chaos… that would be my Boss’s boss...’s Boss… The Original Admin… your Chaos is kinda just… like Discord I guess is the closest parallel… Oh, and, I’m sending over some info through your golem… It’s a list of local SysAdmins… don’t trust the one’s with a <5 skill though…”

“Odd. From what we were informed, Fate and Chaos are siblings… and have many avatars. Example, the one in Dissidia Duodecim is a very weak avatar for his powers. And actually, your ‘author’ already sent such a list. Though, thanks for doing so again. ...oh, and I understand that they may be weaker than Admins. It was said there’s a pair of them in each Continuum, but each version of them only has jurisdiction within their own Continuum. They lack jurisdiction outside of their own Continuum, so your boss likely has more power than them.”

“No shit, I think I have more power than them… though as SiC of this Branch I guess it’s to be expected…”

“Yet another reason why I hope this works. I just hope things aren’t unfixable like how this one event made an old computer of ours… These hackers somehow set it up so that a password was needed for before even the point where one could reinstall a new OS, making it impossible to change the software. Beyond evil. Couldn’t even install a new OS or enter safe mode or anything. Hopefully, things in this reality aren’t that terrible in the coding. After all, no idea just how much damage those trying to prevent this loop have done. All I know is they’re trying to prevent the existence of the multiversal country of heroes my future self causes the founding of.”

“Right… I’ll be back later, I need to find my boss…”

“Best of luck.”

End Chapter 3

Chapter 4: I Ran Out of Good Chapter Title Names

Chapter 4 Alt Title: Beating a Dead Hoooorrrr- Um...

Oh hey look, the energy golem is back!

“It would seem your author would like to continue this. Not sure what else I can help with right now, but I’ll do what I can. What’s the circumstances, Umbra?”

“Alright… well… the thing is, since my boss won’t let me access the root world and drag you out, I’m just gonna have to obliterate some bits of eighth dimensional quantum diffraction physics…”

“What?”

“I’m going to get some divine intervention from my author… JYSRIN! YO! GET THIS GUY TO EQUESTRIA, WOULD YA?! THIS SITUATION IS STARTING TO PISS ME OFF!”

WISH GRANTED; JOSHUA MCINNIS, THE ONE YOU WANT, THAT IS, IS NOW IN EQUESTRIA #3309847 ALPHA

“The variant with Celestia and Luna as badass battle Princesses? Awesome.”

Well… that’s my part done… wonder what he’s going to do now?

If the energy golem could sweatdrop, it would right about now.

“Whatever you did didn’t do a thing, unfortunately. Author powers only work on dimensions outside of the author’s reality. Thus, why we’ve been needing your help anyways. Can your boss do what you are not allowed to do? Tell him that it’s needed to be done due to the fact that it’s part of an annoying ass time loop that’s tied into the root world.”

“.................”

What. The. FUCK.

“FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF–”

Calm. Breathe. Okay.

“I’m good now. Let’s refract again.”

You hear that noise? That’s the sound of me hacking directly into the source codes for the entirety of the goddamn Branch. If I so wished, I could rewrite the code and wipe out the entire Void with a Viral Patch… but I won’t, because that’s a stupid-ass idea.

“FUCK YOU VOID! I AM A GODDAMN SYSADMIN; I KNOW THIS CODE INSIDE-OUT! AND I AM DAMN WELL CODING THIS GUY INTO EQUESTRIA #3309847 ALPHA, SO HELP ME GOD!”

There. Joshua Mcinnis: Home Dimension: Equestria 3309847 Alpha. Base Universe: Equestria. Copy-Paste Body and Soul from Origin Earth in Branch 445903 Beta.

“Okay, so… you, yourself, may not be able to get to Equestria without destabilizing the Origin Universe you’re in, but… I copied your body and soul over to an Equestria and gave it a major upgrade. Therefore, there is now an exact copy of you in Equestria that you might share a minor link with, just like as if it was just a variant timeline, except this time it worked because I goddamn say so.”

“Uh… from my future self, it said that it was me myself that went, not a variant… hmm… I’m guessing that due to being in the origin dimension system, or root world as you called it, has made my data as read-only except to those with your boss’s level of authority or something. But, as it’s a time loop, it should be possible to fix somehow. And actually, had some ideas for things to discuss with ya personally…. Hmm… well, linking to the desired Equestria from my reality seems extremely difficult, but maybe just taking myself OUT of this reality as a starting step should be focused on first, so as to make it easier on yourself. Like, making a middle-man step before the final goal or somethin’.”

“Okay… y’know what? Fuck this. Just. Fuck this all. I’ll be back in a relative seven trillion millennia. I just need to become a higher ranked Admin, BRB.”

And like that, I was gone for about… two seconds according to the golem.

“And I’m back. I can now extract you from your Universe, and switch you with your copy… think that’d work? Of course it’ll work, what am I saying? I’m the most capable Admin in half the void by now, it’ll work because I say it will… literally…”

“Let’s hope. But, instead of switching with the target…. well, as I said, have some things to discuss with ya in person before you put me in Equestria. But, you’ve got enough to stress yourself over. We can discuss it then. No need to add more to your stress at this point when you’ve got enough as is, eh Umbra? And if this doesn’t work, perhaps you can contact your future self whom has succeeded in finishing this, through either direct or indirect means, so that you can figure out how the heck to finish this…. Though on a good note, at least all this mess no doubt helped your skills improve.”

Future me! Of course!

“Hang on a mo’ need to bend ninth dimensional time refraction physics real quick.”

Moving left a few inches, I warped the Void by a metric FUCK TON (an actual Void unit, by the way; equals the weight of a black hole wrapped around a worm hole, though here it’s a metaphor) and caused a happening that is too strange for Jsyrin to type in any sort of detail. Let’s just say it sounded like a

SQUARKLEFRITSCRACKLE

Yes, it really sounded like that. It was fucking weird.

“Alright… it’s finally over. I got that off my plate, and I only had to fuck up the temporal mechanics of this Branch Zone to do it. Joshua is in Equestria, I had that conversation, the Golems are fused back into Josh’s soul, Josh got a major power upgrade, I closed the damn time-loop, and I’m suddenly in the goddamn future.”

“Is that the future you talking to you? Cause at present, that has yet to happen here. But, at least since he succeeded in it, that means you will, once you learn what he did to succeed.”

“Ugh… right… forgot to make that happen to the rest of the Branch, too. SysAdmin override! Move Void Time Forward: Sixteen Rels! There, now you’re in the future too.”

“I’m not yet, but I’m guessing the effects are set onto my future self, but that’s fine as long as it works. I’m guessing it’s set for when I next fall asleep while in my reality? That’s fine to me if it indeed works.”

“Yeah, when you fall asleep, your mind will be immediately catapulted into a point in time when all our efforts paid off, waking you up right inside the Everfree forest, as agreed. You’ll integrate everything you missed over the next few days after you wake up. This, by the way, will catapult you several years forward. Sixteen Rels is four years on your time, after all. So… just… be careful, some of it will be painful. The integration, that is.”

Why does that golem look sad?

“Can it not be done to where your efforts warp the me that’s typing this as I go to sleep? And as for the Everfree, as stated, got things to discuss with you first once out of this reality.”

“Fine. There. You’ll make a quick stop and meet me at about Fifteen Rels. Don’t try and comprehend it, you’ll only hurt yourself. The only one who understood any of what I talk about would be… the Doctor.”

The golem chuckles a bit.

“Yeah. Been meaning to watch that series, but have yet to schedule it in. If you can get me to arrive in the void as I sleep tomorrow…. I don’t mind if I’m put into a coma while in the Void till you’re ready to talk with me again, since time in the Void is not in synch with this one, and can travel back at any point in time via the Void and whatnot. Plus, it’d grant ya time to destress, and I think you’ve well earned such anyways, even if I have to be in a temporary coma till you are ready for such.”

“Mmkay… oh hey look! Your travel coma will now come with in-flight movies! Now you can watch every last thing you’ve wanted to watch but never did!”

God I love my powers.

The golem chuckles again.

“Can’t blame you. And once I get to speak with ya…. well, as I said, I do have a number of selfish desires, BUT, I intend to aid those I can on the way through my goals. Hmm… wonder how I will be able to aid you in return for your great aid.”

“I’ll buy stuff off of you when you close that Time-Loop. That’s all I need.”

“Ah. So, basically, paying off a debt in a way by providing you with service. Welp, fine by me. It’s only fair.”

“No, it’s more like a transaction. You take my aid, I get some stuff to sell later. Shopkeeper’s guild and all.”

It chuckles again, then notices it did and notices its own pattern and shakes its head.

“Close enough. Anyways, up to you then on what to do while waiting for me to go to sleep. If you’d like, I can discuss some of my requests for when it’s time to put me in Equestria, selfish as they are. Or, you can just rest your head and wait for that time, like a mini-vacation, and I’ll call back my energy golem and tell your author the verdict tomorrow… one way or another, depending on the results.”

“Boom. Done. Time works weird in the Void, remember? You’re already asleep, and I already had that conversation with you… because I’m from the future.”

“Yo… Jsyrin… I think this Chapter’s done… you can stop typing now…”

“Yo!”

“Stop typing my goddamn lines, dammit!”

FINE

Chapter 5: In Which the Entire Thing is in Third Person

Chapter 5 Alt Title: Just Because I Normally Write in First Person, Doesn't Mean I Can't Write in Third Person (Or At Least Try To)

Umbra could really only stare in shock at the mare in front of him. Said mare was pretty by Equestrian standards; elegant, graceful, full eyelashes, beautiful blue eyes, the works. Imagine her for yourselves, dear readers, because I, the mighty narrator, do not dare try to imagine what you think is beautiful in a small, technicolored, magical horse pony.

The surroundings at this point are, unfortunately, also going to need description. Let's see... an alleyway... dirty, of course, this is Manehattan. All Manhattan variants have dirty alleyways in some spots... for a given value of dirty, that is. Darkened, nopony else in sight... it's midnight, what do you expect? Due to the inability for the author to activate his 'Fanciful, Snobby Prose' centers, you'll have to imagine... the set up for basically every dirty deal made in New York in every work of fiction with a New York. And yes, I do mean that type of 'dirty'... pervs.

Now, why exactly was Umbra staring? Well, said mare was anthropomorphic, stark naked, covered in... fluids, and also, very, very, very dead. The alleyway was soaked in her blood, in fact. Looked like she'd been raped and mutilated, hopefully in that order... the author now realizes that perhaps he shouldn't have included that line, but oh well. He'll just have to update the story tags, then. Now, where were we? Ah, yes, the crime scene. Well. Unless you want this story to merit a Mature rating, I'll hold off on the gory details for now. Suffice to say, it wasn't pretty. Oh, and the culprit was standing at the other side of the alley, right near the end of the alley, which, as everyone knows, will not hinder anyone at all should they require a quick escape. Said assailant/ murderer/ rapist was another pony, also an anthro. Let me, the narrator, explain: if you haven't already figured this out, this entire chapter takes place in Anthro!questria. Now, the culprit was pitch black in fur color, mane color, and in clothes... looking unfortunately a bit like Umbra, actually, given that he was currently in his human form. Not human shape, but human form. There's a difference, I'll explain it later. Hmm, it appears that the author just realized that the chapter isn't entirely in third person after all... it's in my first person omniscient... also we're on a tangent, let's get back on track, shall we dear reader?

"Who the hell're you!? Some kinda copycat!?" The asshole, let's see... it says here, in the script, that is, that his name is... Night Racer!? What the fuck? Ugh... cheap OC names... I don't even want to say them.

"No, what I am is none of your business. What is my business is the fact that you... well, you fucked up, mate."

"And just what're you gonna do about it, ya hairless freak?" Wow... this Night Racer guy is a real idiot.

"I'm going to make sure you never see the light of day ever again, you asshole."

"Ha! Try and catch me!"

And with that, he left the scene, parkour-ing out of the alleyway so fast that even Altair would be proud. Hell, even Umbra was impressed for a second.

'I'm still gonna kill'im, but damn the guy knows how to parkour'

And then sirens, really loud ones. And hoofsteps racing towards the alleyway. And lots of police-ponies rushing into the alleyway.

"Oh shit! Uh... this isn't what it looks like, I swear!"

"Yeah yeah, tell it to the judge, freak"

And then Umbra got pissed.

"What did you say!?"

"I called you a freak, freak."

Let it be known that the NYPD... or whoever has jurisdiction over the Manhattan area... don't look at me like that, I've never even been to New York, okay!? Well, the author hasn't... excuse our ignorance. Ahem. Back on track. Let it be known that the NYPD in most fiction... and quite a bit of real life... as far as I know... is not particularly known for its member's tact or self-preservation instinct.

"Call me freak one. More. Time."

The threat was incredibly evident in Umbra's voice, but apparently none of the officers noticed, given that one had the cahones to walk up to Umbra and whisper into his ear.

"Fre–"

WHOOSH CRUNCH

The guy disappeared. In a whirling vortex of shadows resembling an angry black hole. Just... just imagine it. The other officers on scene were understandably quite shocked at the display they had just witnessed and also understandably freaked the fuck out.

"Shit! Get him! Call for back up!"

The officers scrambled like the fearful residents of Ponyville that three of them actually were, and proceeded to, as a group, simultaneously fire on a pissed off Umbra, radio for PONYSWAT, and run around like Speedy Gonzales on crack. This proceeded to do nothing effective, until PONYSWAT showed up, at least.

Oh yeah, the setting is in modern-ish Equestria... so there's magical laser guns now. Umbra picked a really weird place to vacation in.

And then PONYSWAT showed up in a freaking assault helicopter, which is like a regular helicopter with lots of guns. Not as well armed as a Royal Guard Chopper, though. No missiles, this is urban territory we're talking about here.

"Ah shit... why did I do that?... Fuck."

'Brain, I need Ideas! And quick!'

*Run like a bitch?*

^Give yourself up?^

[How about a disguise?]

'Uhh... run and diguise it is!'

"Gentlemen!"

The combined forces of the Manehattan PD and SWAT teams paused and stared, confused at the sudden announcement by a criminal.

"Today is the day that you will always remember as the day that you almost captured Umbra Shadow-Walker!"

WHOOSH

Huh, he really did make that reference.

Somewhere in Canterlot

"Whew... that was really close... thank gods I got away..."

Umbra breathed a sigh of relief; that escape had been quite taxing on his reserves, mostly due to the fact that he barely had anything because of his activated Restriction Seal.

"I'm sorry, but you seem to have not made it at all."

'OHSHIT'

Oh shit indeed. Umbra had, unfortunately, found himself crawling out of the shadows in Princess Luna's chambers, technically a capital offense without their specific invitation.

"Ah...um... this is a horrible misunderstanding?" Umbra has now found that he is only good at negotiations when he is clearly the most powerful one in the room. So far, he is probably the weakest one in the room, not even able to teleport.

"Try again, cretin. We hath seen the news; we know what thou hast done. Surrender, and your stay in the castle dungeons shall be more pleasant than it would if you resist." Do you see her face? Princess Luna is not amused. Not. One. Bit.

"FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFine. I surrender." Umbra put his hands up in the classic 'surrender' position, allowing Luna to lead him down to the dungeons and into a cell. The cell itself was actually fairly nice; clean, well lit, decent bed roll, a sink, a toilet, and even a few coat hooks. Quite posh for a dungeon cell. Oh, there was also a barred window facing a very steep drop off the side of the mountain as well. Terrifying for anyone that couldn't fly, like a bound pegasus... or a unicorn... or an earth pony... or Umbra without his cloak.

Thankfully, he was allowed to keep his cloak.

"Look, this is a big misunderstanding... except for the whole 'swallow a cop into a giant vortex' thing. That guy was an asshole. But the rest of it wasn't me!"

Hmm? It appears as though I forgot to narrate Umbra grabbing the bars on his cell and pleading with Luna... and Celestia, who had appeared out of nowhere for some reason.

"C'mon! I can bring the cop back!"

"What? We thought he was dead! How canst thou return a soul from death?"

"He's still alive... I just need to find him... hold on a minute."

Digging through his expansive tertiary subspace pocket, Umbra quickly located the asshole cop wedged between a blue whale and a MechaGodzilla, the third one, if his inventory was correct. All in stasis, of course, don't want to spoil anything that has a time limit... like food.

"Found 'im!"

Dragging out the disgruntled officer, Umbra placed him down outside the cell proper before turning to the Princesses once more.

"There you go! Now can I get out of this cell?"

"No. Evidence also points to you raping and murdering one of my little ponies. Until proven otherwise, you will remain here with your magic bound."

"Fuck."

TO BE CONTINUED?

End Chapter 5

Author's Notes:

I needed to practice writing in third person. I should also practice dialogue, so expect one of these chapters to end up being mostly dialogue.

In Which Umbra Exposits

Chapter 6 Alt Title: Boring Boring Boring, Where's The Action?

"Y'know... Since I interact with so many beings that don't quite know the meanings of the terms I use... I though I'd explain a few terms for you all."

Umbra leans back in a fancy armchair inside a fancy reading room, the one that all rich people seem to have in their mansions. Y'know, the one with a giant library, a fireplace, and armchair or two, and a massive portrait of the owner hanging above the mantle.

"So... let's get started I guess..."

He consults the book in his lap, which, for you detail lovers, was a beautiful, red, hardcover book bound in leather and... just think of one of those giant tomes from most fantasy series, except red. The title is in curving, golden script. It reads:

"Alright, first term: The Void. Ahem. What is the Void? The Void is, quite simply, the big ball o' paradox that contains everything that is, was, will be, isn't, wasn't, and won't be. Confused? It's just everything in and out of existence. It looks like a city of floating skyscrapers expanding off into infinity. It contains Universes of all kinds of dimensions, ranging from 0D to... everything really. I myself mostly work with the 3D Universes. Lets see... each skyscraper is called a Complex. Each Complex houses a different Multiverse, and keeps it separate from the others. Each Multiverse generally looks different from the others, though my normal assignment is the 'Bubble' Branch... right... each different Multiverse is called a Branch. Within each Branch is an infinite expanse of Universes, each one different from the rest in an increasingly variable amount of ways. Each Universe contains a few different parts: The Base, The Splinters, and The Derivatives. For example: Your Universe when it began was the Base. Your current timeline is a Splinter, since it splintered off the base timeline. A Derivative would be the MARVEL Universe, which started a new Base, new Splinters, and new Derivatives. Basically, if the Splinter becomes too unique, it becomes a Derivative and turns into a new Base."

Umbra looks up, putting a pipe to his mouth and reclining further, a footrest popping out of his armchair with a pull of a lever.

"Right. Next, we have the various coding languages that go into the Void and the Multiverses. Ahem. Well, the first one ever was Shadowburn A, which was basically ones, zeros, and theta signs, trinary, if you will. It ran off hexadecimal format, and evolved over time to Shadowburn C, which was refined enough to create the first constructs in the Void: Command HQ, and Yggdrasil. The Second one ever to come about was Shadow A++, basically the default form for the Void now, a huge step up from the clunky trinary, it smoothed into a less glitchy mess with actual command lines. Then came the personalized formats, all compatible with Shadow A++, but normally better, like mine, UMBRA OS-, which is much more useful, less buggy, and contains a lot more detail to it. And then I made Blackbox OSX, which made it more user friendly and streamlined. Hmm... well... that seems to be everything for technical background... lets go over SysAdmin stuff now."

Umbra now has a cup of tea, a saucer occupying his other hand.

"First: All SysAdmins are shadows, usually deriving a name from the words ghost, dark, shadow, smoke, and just about a million other words with the connotation of dark. No two Admins look completely alike, however. I myself am distinct for my white, glowing features, a trait which no other Admin has. Some go for green, others gray, one Admin normally goes around as a big cloud of smoke!"

Umbra takes a pause to chuckle a little.

"Well, as to abilities, first thing to know is that all Admins have unique weaknesses and their own unique ability. Tenebrous, my idiot subordinate, has the unique weakness to sunfire. His ability is the ability to turn anything into a high powered, unstable, extremely dangerous mess of coding. Which is why he is so lowly ranked. He's also really, fantastically stupid. Me, I'm weak against intensely magical light in my normal form, and have the unique ability of CopyPaste with my shadows, meaning I can make anything out of shadows, and it'd work as if it was the real thing, unless it radiated powerful, magical light. Hm. Well, SysAdmins also can shift from corporeal to incorporeal, use shadows as transportation, assimilate shadows into our bodies, steal shadows, take over shadows to use as bodies if ours are destroyed, break the fourth wall, use shadow anything, resurrect things, reverse time... basically, everything an omnipotent god could do... even make a sandwich big enough so that we couldn't eat it all. It was a long night full of vomiting an rejoicing, that's all I'm gonna say."

He takes a moment to adjust the glasses now appearing on his face.

"All SysAdmins share the common trait of being able to directly influence the Void, the Multiverses, the Universes, and everything in between. This is entirely due to our instinctual manipulation of the underlying coding of the Void. That seems to be everything for now... I'll just let you chew on this info for a while, don't expect me to do this again, exposition is boring."

Umbra leans back again, sipping his tea and removing his reading glasses, picking up another book and waving the camera off.

"Well? Go on, shoo! I have things I need to do!"

Well then, time to go.

End Chapter 6

Author's Notes:

Eh... felt like doing exposition

Chapter 6:Your Human and You...? Oh Hell No!

Chapter 6 Alt Title: 12 Years a Slave (Not Really)

Ever have one of those days that you know is gonna suck? Well, I did. It was approximately my third millennia of existence when it happened. Me still being the green rookie back then, I ended up finding out that I could turn into a human again... except I looked almost nothing like my old self.

For one, my old self was a scrawny, five foot seven Chinese guy with standard Chinese features, and a medium length half bowl-cut thing for hair.

My new self was a skinny, toned, pale, five foot ten Japanese looking guy with long sorta shaggy, sorta wavy hair. And had dark green eyes. I looked like fucking Tensa Zangetsu.

Totally not hating on Bleach, by the way; but seriously, what are the odds?

Thankfully, I was clothed; in my standard human style too! That is, t-shirt, black cargo pants, black combat boots, big-ish coat full of pockets. Though, this was a trench coat, like the one in those detective noir movies... except also in black.

Fitting, I guess.

After admiring my form for a bit- don't look at me like that! I was corporeal for the first time in millennia- I had realized one very important thing: I didn't know how to change back to normal.

"Oh...shit. OH SHIT!"

And I promptly freaked out... that is, until I noticed where I was, that being one small Universe that went by the code name of: YHaH.

"Wait a minute... oh no... not this place... shit."

Then I went back to freaking out for the next couple of minutes.

'At least I get to keep my voice...unlike that other guy...who won't get here for another twelve-ish years..."

And like the hand of God (Not me-god, the other God... Yes, the Christian God is real... sorta... the Judeo-Christian/ Muslim God is just a tiny fragment of the real God. We call him Jehovah, Joey to his friends (Mostly just the Metatron (Marty) and the Holy Spirit (Hal)) He's cool... for a guy who committed genocide a few times. He was really temperamental when he created the Base Earth), IT happened.

Caps totally necessary.

"Ohh wait what's tha-HURK KKKKHHHHRRRRR CRAAUUGH."

'God fucking dammit'

Silver lining: I still had all my power... however little it was back then.

On the other hand... I couldn't tear my way out of the Universe in human form. Nor could I fly. Or access my primary subspace pocket. At least I had my single person teleport...

Tch... can't talk, can't fly, can't get to my goddamn job, can't carry more than a few tons of cargo, can't use some of my powers in this god forsaken desert, can't see shit, can't hear anything except the wind, can't... can't feel the sun burning my ass off? Huh... mega-heat-tolerance, sweet.'

Side note: As a human, I could withstand heat that would leave most people drowning in a puddle of sweat up to about a hundred eleven degrees. In a large, five-pound, black jacket. In the Californian Summer sun. For over half an hour. With a heavy backpack.

I also got a really nice boost in my stats, from speed to [REDACTED; EXPLICIT REFERENCE].

Yes, you read that correctly.

Yes, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

No, I'm not at all bothered by telling you this. I'm comfortable in my asexuality. And a deity. So y'all can just take it.

Ahem.

Well, after assessing that 1) I was in the middle of a goddamn desert, 2) The nearest sign of sentient life was heading due west and was twenty miles away, and 3) I'd probs have to act like a dumb human to survive, I stripped down, put on a tattered loincloth (It was a woman's cut, don't ask how I got it. Kept my virginity, thankfully.) and some dirty sandals (Those were mine. I used them on beaches in human form... I replaced them after this.) and rolled in the sand for a bit. Then I used my teleport to appear in the shade of an oasis about a kilometer from the approaching ponies.

Yes, I can in fact distinguish between different races' life signs. It's not hard.

A half hour later, after drinking some of the water and eating some of the fruit (Sour, but delicious; like lemons), I heard the ponies approach. Feigning sleep, they trotted up to me and spoke, one male, one female.

"Huh, a human? Out here? Looks better than most of the specimens we find, let's get him into the carts. 'Storm, get a cage ready." the male spoke. The female, apparently named Storm – probably a pegasus– left to prep a cage while the male lifted me into the air and floated me towards the caravan.

As I observed, I noticed that 1)The cages were clean, 2) The insides of every manacle were padded 3) There were a hell of a lot of dried food barrels, high quality by the looks of it, 4) There were a hell of a lot of wagons, 5) All of the ponies were well dressed and had real, kind smiles on their faces, and 6) The ponies were treating the humans quite well.

Initial assessment: Not the same group that got Max about a dozen or so years from then.

Secondary Assessment: These ponies'd probably treat me nice, if the other humans were anything to go by.

'Ah hell, why not? All I gotta do is settle in with the Princess, 'n that'll be pretty easy if I just try... looks like I'm staying, at least until I can get myself out of this fuck-up.'

With that in mind, I settled into my (surprisingly comfortable) cage and fell asleep.

Canterlot, here I come. Best get the cleanup crew ready.

Six Hours Or So Later

I woke with the jarring of my cage, the caravan having stopped. Taking note of the situation, I looked out the windows of the wagon and found that the first stop was Canterlot.

'How convenient... Now... how to attract a Princess? She's, let's see... heading this way? Huh, maybe she sensed something like she did when she finds Max in the future.'

Half my job done, I waited while the ponies working the Caravan– which, as I noticed, was named 'Blue Moon Human Caravan'– prepped all the humans around me for sale.

On stage, I noticed the leers of many of the mares (and some of the stallions, ugh). A majority of them were, unfortunately, staring at me. I guessed it was because I looked nicer than the others, which looked like neanderthals.

'I suddenly feel the need to take ALL the showers. All of them.'

Shuddering, I tried (and almost failed) to keep my cool, waiting for the Princess. And prayed to Joey and a few of the Admins that I was friendly with that I wouldn't be sold until the Princess came and at least noted my presence.

"...And finally, this fine specimen! Found in the desert, no name, no mark. Nice and solid, just look at 'im! Starting bid is at ten thousand bits!"

'That much for lil' ol' me? I can't wait until Celly gets here... I really need to work on getting me powers straight n' all...'

And as I thought that, I also noted that Celestia was right outside the auction area, a contingent of guards behind her.

'Wunderbar. This is my chance! Hasta la vista, putas!'

Setting a plan into action (Plan Delta 3, to be exact) I broke my shackles, shifted into my trench coat and a modified TRON suit, pulled out a shitty ninja sword, and ran towards the Solar Princess as fast as I could, which, if you were paying attention, is pretty goddamn fast. Amid the shouts of surprise and fear, I sprinted past the crowd of disgusting, perverted, ugh, nobles, and dodged the sparse spell-fire from the few guards already there.

'There!'

Homing in on Celestia, I dodged the considerably denser spell-fire from the guards that finally caught up to their Princess, leapt into the air, slashed a crescent of shadow behind me to knock down the guards, did a double front flip, three spins, four rotations, a backflip, and landed in a sitting bow right before the Princess herself, my sword vanishing into the subspace it came from. As I beheld her shocked expression and the guards slowly rose to take me down, I reached into my coat, noting the tenseness that followed, and pulled out a small note. On it were the words:

As Celestia read the note, her face shifted from shocked to slightly amused, before she spoke, "I believe the current price for this one is ten thousand bits?"

One of the handlers hurriedly answered, tripping over his hooves in his rush to bow before his ruler, "Y-yes your majesty; will you be making a purchase?"

"Yes."

'Oh thank you Joey. Thank you so much.'

'No prob.'

Yes, Joey can hear it every time you mention him. Yes, he knows it's a bit creepy. No, he doesn't give a shit.

"Guards, alert the Royal Treasurer that I am making a withdrawal. Ten thousand bits, hmm? Write a check for one million bits, address it to the Blue Moon Human Caravan."

"O-one million!?"

"Fine. One and a half million. You drive a hard bargain."

The handler fainted. Chuckling, I stood, standing deferentially behind my new 'owner' with two new swords, Kanshou and Bakuya, crossed over my back. Also, hidden blades all over. With the Kusanagi no Tsurugii and Sakegari no Tachi at each hip. And two lightsabers across my lower back. I like to be well prepared when I'm in my human forms, especially if most of my power is sealed.

"Do you really need that many weapons? This isn't a war zone, human, it's just Canterlot."

Another note:

"Fair enough. Come along, we should get back to the castle, my student is waiting for me."

Following her, I took in my surroundings; nothing special, just standard Canterlot buildings. Slightly posh and snobby, but fairly simple, at least until we got within a few miles of the palace. Then it was massive, ostentatious mansions decked in gold and marble and all sorts of things that just screamed 'I am a rich asshole, steal my money, I don't care'. And then, the Palace. Or as I liked to call it, the Fanciest Goddamn Rock in the Land. This one deserved the name, it was literally one GIANT slab of white marble, chiseled to look like it was made of bricks. I think a castle of marble bricks woulda been easier.

The ponies stayed the same, well dressed and slightly arrogant; again, until we reached the 'Rich Asshole' district, where they became... frillier and arrogant enough that I wanted to punt them into the Void. Repeatedly.

I always did have zero tolerance for stupid assholes. Especially ones with superiority complexes. Now, I won't lie, I often felt superior to other people, but that was always because I proved myself superior. Still can't prove myself superior to Soundwave though...

Anyways.

When we arrived at the castle, it was about high noon, so I had to follow Celestia to the Royal Dining Hall where I met a filly Twilight Sparkle.

"H-hello..."

"..."

"O-okay...?"

'I seriously need to come up with a better way of communica- wait a minute... I have something that just might work'

While Celestia sat for Twilight's lesson and lunch, I pulled out a slim, hi-tech collar, also black. Placing around my neck, I immediately felt the chaos magic in my throat dispel, allowing me to speak once again.

"Hrm. That was... unpleasant. Your majesty, allow me to make the introductions that I had so erroneously not completed," I bowed, "My name is Umbra Shadow-Walker, Systems Administrator level 2 Gamma for Multiverse Branch 445903 Beta. Pleased to meet your acquaintance."

Shocked silence all around.

"Y-you can speak!?"

"Quite well, majesty."

Apparently I had also gained a large, purple, chattering tumor on my arm.

"Ohmigoshhowareyouabletotalkhowelseareyoudifferentcanyoudomagiccanyousmilecanyouflycanyou-"

Gently, I scraped Twilight off my arm, and deposited her back next to her mentor using a small tendril of shadow. With a slight smile, barely more than an upturn in the corners of my lips, I answered the excitable bibliophile, "I can talk simply because I've always been able, the chaos magic around the Universe simply made it more... difficult. I am different in a myriad of other ways, being that I am not an actual human, but instead I am an extra-dimensional being of immense power. Yes, I can do magic, yes I can smile, and no, I can't fly, not as I am right now. But teleporting does suffice most of the time."

As the unicorn filly gathered wind for another rapid-fire burst of questions, I turned to Celestia and addressed her, "Your majesty, if you would allow me to act as, say, your bodyguard and/or spy I would like nothing better. Would you humor this one's request until I can find a way to return to my normal form?"

"Of course, Umbra. By the power vested in me as the Ruler of Equestria, I pronounce thee, Umbra Shadow-Walker, as my personal bodyguard until such a time that he decides to leave my service. There, is that to your liking?"

"Of course, majesty."

Turning away, I strode away from the table, leaving only a parting shot, "By your leave, majesty. I think I'll go secure the perimeter. Enjoy your lunch." Vanishing, I placed a few turrets in shadowed corners, all of them modified to be able to aim, even when stuck in a shadow, and fire accurately enough to give a housefly a close shave. Registering the magical signatures of the Princess, Twilight, and the guards, I set the turrets to scan for hostile intent, using infrared, ultrasonic, and magical scanning.

I am nothing if not thorough in my defense systems.

Fortunately for any and all would-be assassins, the turrets were only equipped with tranquilizers and stun rounds. Killing a guard over a petty spat on accident would be pretty horrible.

'Aannd Turrets, activate.'

'Safe enough, I suppose.'

Then, heading out into the wild world beyond, I stopped and considered; did I actually know anything about this Universe's history?

The answer: a resounding nope.

'This... could be problematic... 'specially since I can't get to me subspace pocket.'

Then suddenly, a pony.

"Well hello there, handsome. Where's your owner?"

'OHSHIT'

Yes, it was, in fact, 'Prince' Blueblood. The man-fucking, pretty-boy, rich-bastard that stalked the halls of Canterlot's Royal Palace. It took everything I had to not splinterize the timeline and murderize the fucker.

Yes, that would be bad, since it would hopelessly fracture the timeline and maybe change everything about Max's story in this branch. Need to have the fewest possible divergences, after all.

"..."

"Hmm, you are quite the interesting specimen, aren't you?" The asshole had the GALL to sidle up to me like I was some helpless conquest, "How about you come with me then, hmm? I could prove to be a much better owner than whichever peon it is currently."

SIZZLE CRACK *RADIO STATIC NOISES* "That would be your aunt, pony." I made my voice sound like a mix between that of the Silence, Soundwave from 1984, and Rinzler from Tron Legacy. From the look on his face, my glare and the unexpectedness of the phrase really scared the shit out of him.

"W-what!? Humans cannot talk! What is happening!?"

Smirking, and subsequently scaring even more shit out of him, I turned and vanished into the shadow beneath me, headed straight towards the Griffin... Empire? Territories? Tribes?

'Gods, I seriously need to figure my way around this Universe.'

End Chapter 6

Chapter 7: A Long Time Ago, In a Universe Far, Far Away...

As a point of interest, I’ve actually met two Omnitrix users before. One was the standard Ben 10, the other, a dude named Jason Hughes.

You all remember Ben, right? I sold him some stuff and pranked him?

Wait… that’s… a surprisingly large amount of people, now that I think about it.

Well, anyways, Jason.

Man, I don’t even know where to start with him, so I’ll start at the beginning.

So, there I was, cruising down the inter-dimensional ‘highways’, when all of a goddamn sudden, POOF, there’s a new Splinter Universe popping into my path.

“Wh-HOLY MOTHERF–!”

VWORPLE

That was the start. The prologue, if you will.

Now, Chapter One starts with me realizing that I forgot to auto-sync with the local timeline, so instead of appearing right when Jason did, I arrived a few weeks after he did.

Right after Gilgamesh popped in, actually.

You can imagine my surprise at seeing Ponyville completely totalled, but y’know, after a few millennia of existence, nothing really surprises you after a while. Except for the random crap that happens in the Void, because shit, man, that place is just… not at all predictable.

Ahem.

Well, there I was, sitting in the middle of the ruined street, not a soul for hundreds of feet. Well, okay, there was Derpy a few meters over, but she didn’t really notice me stuck in a shadow under some loose rubble.

‘Note to self: Read all of your updates, not just the urgent ones.’

Side note: I get memos every time someone makes a Splinter. Sometimes I pop into new timelines on accident because my flight path is on a direct collision course and I don’t notice in time.

I may be nigh omnipotent and omniscient, but I still fuck up every now and then.

Nobody’s perfect, not even Joey. Take that to heart, dear reader.

Side note two: There is no fourth wall.

AHEM

‘Okay, time to get up. Let’s see who’s Universe I crashed into… Jason Hughes, eh? Omnitrix? Sounds like Auric’s gettin’ a new recruit for his army.’

And with that, I pulled myself out of the shadow I was in, stretched out into a tall, nightmarishly thin, vaguely Slenderman-esque shape. Scaring people was always fun, no matter where I was.

And thus, I walked out into the ruined (But still busy) Ponyville streets, heading towards my destination uncaring of any other life form nearby. Where was I headed? The Library, of course.

And when I stepped out into daylight, the screams started.

And it was funny, though also annoying.

POV Shift: Jason Hughes, Wielder of the Omnitrix V1.0

“Jason you know that’s... uh really disturbing to watch right?” Twilight asked, watching as Jason, in the form of Upchuck, swallowed another pile of debris.

“Yeah, you keep telling me that. Would you rather me eat it all or have to move it yourself?” he asked, patting his pudgy belly. The alicorn went silent, looking away. “I didn’t think so,” he said, lashing out with his tongues, grabbing a cartwheel, pulling it into his gullet.

“Monster!” a scream called out, followed by the sounds of ponies screaming.

“Ugh what now?” he asked with a frown, spitting out his meal, now in the form of a green energy bolt. “Let’s go!” he commanded, jumping onto Twilight’s back.

“Hey!”

“Just go!”

The alicorn rolled her eyes before running toward the direction ponies were running from.

“Hey you!” he shouted at the intruder, some sort of shadow thing. “What business you got here? You're scaring the ponies!”

“Hmm...am I? Oh dear, I guess I chose the wrong form today, hm?” It spoke in a low, sibilant hiss, and chuckled, “Ah, I’m just foolin’ ya. Gimme a sec here, then we can make some proper introductions,” A sound not unlike a zipper whispered through the area, and when it ended, the shadow was noticeably more humanoid and had eyespots, “Ah, there we go. Ahem, my name is Umbra Shadow-Walker, Systems Administrator of this Multiverse Branch. You, my new friend, are Jason Hughes, Omnitrix Wielder; and judging by the residual Void energy floating around you have, one, been teleported to a different Universe, Ben 10’s from the warp signature, and two, been attacked by… Gilgamesh? Hmm, I need to have a talk with that asshole one of these days about collateral damage.”

“Hey! Gilgamesh is a great guy! Ok, I’ll give you the collateral damage but he helped me out a lot!” Jason argued, getting off Twilight’s back.

“You two wrecked the town and he skipped out on helping clean up.”

“It’s fine.” Jason dismissed, much to Twilight’s irritation.

“Lover’s spat?” Umbra teased, “Seen a few of those in my life, but never like this. Heh, it’s almost cute.”

“I am not his lover!” Twilight shouted, glaring at Umbra. “I’m his mentor.” she said, huffing.

“I leave you two alone for five minutes and you’ve already meet another weirdo.” Air Razor said with a scowl, moving over to the trio. “What exactly are you supposed to be?”

“He’s a shadow, and he’s an admin for the Universe or something.” Jason said as his Omnitrix timed out returning him to human form. “OH! You told Ben about that War right?!” Jason asked, snapping his fingers.

“Hm? Oh yeah, Ben! Yeah, I told him. What, he say somethin’ ‘bout me?”

“He just told me that you visited him and that he was going to fight for some guy and I told him I’d help, and he gave me a badge and told me that he’d call me when it was time.”

“Well, I’ll pop over later, tell him I can call you. Right, now where did I put that…?” Umbra seemed to fade slightly for a few moments before suddenly snapping back to full clarity, with something in his hand, “This, Jason, may look like a shitty iPhone knock off, and in a way, it is, but it is also an– pause for dramatic effect– interdimensional, infinite-battery, communicator!”

[TRUMPET FANFARE]

“Oh, and it does everything an iPhone does, but better. Since it works anywhere in the Multiverse. Suck on THAT Apple!”

“Oh man, the things I could do with this as Grey Matter,” Jason said, looking at the phone, grinning like a mad man.

Umbra’s eyespots widened, “NO. Not only no, but HELL NO. The last Galvan to even attempt to upgrade 7D tech vanished from the MULTIVERSE. Poof. Gone. So, don’t; please. We’re still looking for that poor Galvan. We don’t need to look for another one.”

“Ok ok, I won’t screw around with the phone of awesome, I swear.”

“Good. Now then, if you don’t know how to work an iPhone, it’ll switch to the OS of the smartphone you’re most comfortable with.”

“Yeah... I’ve never had a smartphone.”

“Right… NOVA, tutorial mode, please.”

“Tutorial Mode now Active. Scanning… User Registered; Jason Hughes.”

“Stop drooling Twilight.” Jason said with a chuckle.

“I-I wasn’t drooling!” Twilight said, shaking her head, quickly wiping her muzzle off.

“Of course not.”

Umbra smirked, “You totally were.”

She covered her face with a wing, blushing heavily.

“You think this is good, you should have been here when Luna, Gilgamesh and I pranked her.” Jason said, laughing. “Oh that was glorious. Plus, Twilight ended up having to give the ‘talk’ to Spike.”

“Oh that had to have been awkward.”

“It was the most awkward conversation in my life.” Twilight muttered, glaring at Jason.

“So, the Iphone did you call it?” Air Razor asked, trying to get the conversation back on track.

“Hm? Oh yeah. It’s not really an iPhone, it’s, I guess I just call it a MultiCom, since it sounds more useful that way.”

“You don’t really sound sure of yourself.” Air Razor commented, raising an eyebrow.

“Never had to come up with a name before, most of the people I gave this to just called it an iPhone. Well, hmm, now that that’s done, I believe I have some other artifacts that might just interest you,” Suddenly, a large, shadow cart out of nowhere.

“Dude... are you scannable?” Jason asked, his eyes wide. “Because that is just amazing.” he moved over to Umbra, waved his Omnitrix arm at him, frowning when nothing happened.

“Sorry, but if you wanna be like me you’d best learn how to change into a 7+ dimensional creature instead of the 3D one you are, because you need at least 4 to survive the Void between Universes. Also, you need to be made of shadows, and those don’t have DNA. Now, step into my shop, and seek out whatever you want. Just don’t touch the ones marked ‘DANGEROUS’ until I can gift wrap them first; some of them are rather… volatile. Aside from that, I’ve got at least six of almost anything in the Multiverse.” Umbra preened, not unlike a cocky bird of paradise… made of shadows.

“Wow, just wow.” Jason said, his eyes going wide. “ I feel my inner hoarder squeeing in joy right now.”

“Just one thing: you need to pay for everything you buy. First timers get a six percent discount, repeat customers a ten percent discount on the item they buy the most, personal friends and combatants in the War of Understanding get a forty percent discount. You may pay in anything that has any sort of value, I don’t care if it’s money or a lucky sock. It just needs some sort of value. If you need me, I’ll be naught but a shout away. Happy hunting!”

“Ok Twi, break out the bits.” he said starting to walk down an aisle.

“What, why me?”

“You're a princess with an unlimited budget. You don’t have to but I’d imagine Umbra doesn’t want me shooting diamonds in his shop.”

“Well, actually, I’d be fine with that as long as nothing got damaged.” Umbra’s eyespots turned into little upturned crescents, “ That should help with the budget issue, ne?”

“Diamond Head it is then.” Jason said with a nod, lifting up a power morpher. “Oh hell yeah. Hey Umbra you got a cart or a basket?”

“Bags are to the left of the door, carts to the right, baskets to the right of the carts. Make sure you avoid the Dementor filled bags. Those are for sale, though. Just don’t open them. They’re the evil-feeling, squirming ones.”

“Will do.”Jason said, grabbing a cart, placing the power morpher in, starting to tour the place with Twilight and Air Razor.

“Oh, by the way, the Power Ranger/ Super Sentai stuff is a package deal, each morpher comes with a separate Morphing Grid programmed in, and the Zords and stuff are in a subspace pocket inside the Morphers. So, they’re actually damn expensive. Just a warning.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” he said, slapping Twilight’s hoof away from a glowing stone. She glared at him but continued to follow him. “Where do I find the high frequency blades?”

“Well… depends on the blade. HF Shaving Blades are in Aisle 10, Health Care; HF Swords and Knives are in Aisle 29, Advanced Weaponry; any other High Frequency Blades would be in Aisle 72, Miscellaneous Blades.”

“How about something specific like Jetstream Sam’s blade?”

“Aisle 29, Advanced Weaponry. Or, Aisle 80, Video Game Blades. Or, Aisle 603, Metal Gear Stuff.”

“Thank you.” About half an hour later, Jason came up to the front, presenting his haul: a stasis module, a kinesis module, a set of terminus armor, a HF blade, chaoseater, a hypercube, a proton pack, replicator and a power morpher . Twilight had several spell tomes, ranging from Final Fantasy to Elder scrolls, along with the eye of Agamotto. Slash had picked up a pair of... sunglasses.

“Ah, those sunglasses. Good choice, since they’re probably the… 700,000th most expensive thing in the shop. Which is really high up on an infinitely long list. Nigh indestructible, guaranteed to make even the dumbest nerd look badass, and it’s got several enchantments on it that magnify just about every badass trait one may have. I’d use them, but they don’t really work on shadows.”

“So how much for everything?” Jason asking, leaning on the cart.

“Let’s see… 600,000 bits -6% Discount- 40% discount… and that leaves us with taxes and… y’know what, just give me a block of diamond measuring approximately six feet by three feet squared.”

“That's a lot... “Twilight said, gulping.

“Don’t worry, I got this.” Air Razor said, returning to his true form. He started to grunt, regurgitating a large metal sphere. “Would a miniature star surrounded by a dyson sphere cover it?”

“Where the hell did you even get that!?” Jason asked, jumping away to avoid radiation.

“That's classified. Anyway, will it do? Celestia wants this thing gone anyway.”

“...Not quite. Even with that, it’d still add up to a block of diamond about… eight cubic feet? That’s two by two by two, if you didn’t already know. Or, about two thousand bits.”

“I can just pay the bits.” Twilight said, placing a bag of bits on the counter. “That's 2,000 bits, plus an extra 100. I believe in tipping.”

“Your tip is graciously accepted. Alrighty then; anyone want a receipt and/or free coupons and a member card?”

“Member card?” Jason asked, tilting his head.

“Like those reward cards at Safeway. Except for my store. Buy enough stuff from my shop and you get a random, but useful, item for free. It’s sorta win-win, except for your wallet.” Umbra explained, then cocked his head to the side, “Hang on, I gotta take this.”

Placing his fingers to where his right ear would be, Umbra spoke to no one in particular, “Lan, what is it this time?......... TENEBROUS AGAIN!? What did that ass do now!?........ Another paradox entanglement web!?... Why can’t we demote him?......... IT”S IN THE EQUESTRIA CLUSTER!?!?! Ah shit, Fausticorn’s gonna be pissed. She has enough on her plate as it is!..... No, I’m not ‘in love’, Fausticorn’s like my second mother! Lan, Lan. No. Shut up. When the hell did you get so… snarky?....... What? No. Nevermind. Right. I’ll be there… Yeah. Okay…. Mhmm…. God this is gonna take forever to sort out. Bye.” Removing his fingers from his ear-area, Umbra addressed the confused group in front of him, “Sorry guys, need to reset part of this area of the Multiverse, don’t worry you won’t notice anything; it’s a lot farther away than you’d think.”

“Oookay. Well yeah I guess we’ll take the membership thing.” Jason said, looking at him strangely.

“Great~”

“One last thing, tell that Auric guy I’d like to talk to him, I already told Ben I’d help but I’d rather talk to him in person.”

“‘Kay, I’ll tell him. Well, I gotta go now; I’ll see y’all later.”

“Have fun debugging existence.” Jason said walking out of the shop, having put most of their haul into the hypercube.

“It was nice meeting you.” Twilight said, prancing out of the shop with a big grin.

Slash just nodded, putting his disguise back up before following his charges out.

“Goodbye for now!” Spinning dramatically, Umbra disappeared in a flash of shadows and a distinct–

VWORPLE

End Chapter 7

Author's Notes:

Shout out to Shagohad12 for the crossover with his story: And Then There Were 10... Er...67

Chapter 8: In Which Mighty Epicness Happens

Umbra’s POV

So there I was, minding my own business as I normally do, not meddling like I also normally do, when I came upon a familiar face that I had not seen in quite some time.

“Lady Fausticorn! Long time no see! How’ve you been, oh favorite mentor figure of mine?”

Oddly enough the old girl just sat there staring off into the distance for moment before turning back to me. “Hm? Oh, Umbra. Apologies, I did not notice thou approach.”

“Huh, you must’ve been pretty distracted to not notice little ‘ol me. Especially since I didn’t mask my presence at all. So, what’cha been doin’, Auntie F?”

She groaned for a moment, annoyed at that nickname, before turning back to gaze at one of the Equestria realms. “My attention hath once again been garnered by an individual I find most peculiar.”

“‘Zat so? Ya don’t normally take such an interest in most people or ponies…. might I ask who it is?”

“Him,” she pointed towards the universe. “I believe he doth claim the name of ‘Gilgamesh’. ‘Tis not the first time his actions hath intrigued me.”

Umbra stared into the Universe before him, switching from the incredibly disorientating ‘Code Vision’ to ‘Normal Vision’, “..... Gilgamesh, eh? Eh, I guess the bloke’s alright. Bit of an idiot, but he’s got his heart in the right place.”

“Indeed. ‘Tis one of the reasons we hath taken interest in him. His antics are quite whimsical and foalish, and in truth I believe him to be quite hedonistic, and yet he takes great pains to aid others.”

“So? Not like we don’t got a billion other blokes just like that.”

“True, and yet… I hath done research on his past. Though by no means the harshest in terms of lifestyle it seems to have quite the devastating effect on his mentality. In truth, despite his knowledge and wisdom he still hath not matured, even before his departure from his universe. And yet, I see boundless potential in him. He could be a remarkable leader, but refuses and instead wishes to be a carefree spirit. It would seem he is trying to act as foalish as possible.”

“Well, I do suppose that the older one gets, the more childish they act at times…. But this guy…. Wow. I ain’t got nothin’ on the immaturity of this guy. And me, I’m pretty immature myself sometimes, as you have seen. Still, I suppose the best way to learn about someone is to meet them in person, so….. I’mma make a quick dive in. You keep watching, Sensei. This’ll be good.” And with that, Umbra flew backwards and took a sprinting leap into the bubble, executing a perfect swimmer’s dive, sinking into the Universe with nary a ripple on its surface.

Inside the Universe

Umbra fell. Umbra fell very quickly. And as he plummeted, he changed. Shifting from incorporeal, smoky shadow-mass to solid, but paler than Edward Cullen, human flesh, Umbra took on the form of one of his favorite disguises in a human form: The ‘Displaced’ known only as “Crow”.

As he fell, he flared his newly formed trenchcoat behind him with a metallic jingling, pulling a knife from its internal recesses and flinging it out with a message imprinted upon it.

And the knife disappeared in a flurry of pitch black feathers, he himself dissolving as well, only to reform in a tree far below.

“And now, we wait.”

Gilgamesh’s POV

Vinyl slammed down the cider mug and then folded her forehooves with a smile. “What did I tell ya!? Six mugs, sixty seconds! Top that!”

I smirked in response, the other ponies looking to me in anticipation, all wondering if the big warrior that smacked around the human girl who could shoot lighting had a liver to match.

“Easy peasy.”

I stood up and grabbed a whole barrel of AJ’s hard cider and lifted it above my head before punching a hole in the bottom. I then quickly began to guzzle the contents, making sure not to let a single drop spill, and emptied it in half the time. The room was quiet as everypony stared and I then pressed the barrel to my forehead until it broke.

“Top thAAAARP!” I tried to say before a burp cut me off.

“Whoa nelly! Ah don’t think even Big Mac coulda done that!” AJ exclaimed.

“The winner of the chug-a-lug is Gilgy!” Pinkie shouted, the partygoers cheering in response. “Second place is Vinyl!” More cheers. “And Jenny Eriman-”

All eyes turned to the teenaged girl who hiccupped as her head lay on the table, giggling as a half empty cup of cider rested next to her.

“-dead last.” The ponies lightly stomped their hooves in respect.

“Well, ‘scuse me for a second everypony,” I began before walking towards the kitchen of Sugarcube Corner. “Digestion is about to run its course.”

I found and then managed to squeeze my way into the bathroom to do my business. Just as I finished I turned around only for something to whiz by my face and implant itself in the wall.

“WHOA! What the hell?”

I took a closer look and found it to be a knife, one with a rather interesting description on it.

Is this a Displaced token?

I pulled it out of the wall, considering my options, before shrugging.

Hey, might as well find out.

“Uh… Crow, you are being addressed by the Mighty Gilgamesh. Wanna chat?”

Wow, and I thought I got too much into character.

I took a look at the knife, ready to throw it, before giving a quick look at the toilet. I then looked back to the blade.

Should I?... Nah, I don’t feel like being a dick right now.

I tossed the blade at the floor a good two yards from me.

And with a flurry of feathers and a whirling buzzsaw of flashing steel, a human appeared, clad in a black trench coat and a black, bird themed mask.

“And here I thought I said throw the knife at your enemy. So, what’d the ground do to you to make you summon me here to shred its pitiful dirt into dust for?”

I just stared for a moment. “Jeez, maybe it wasn’t such a great idea to call you. I was just trying to get to know a fellow Displaced that I hadn’t even heard of before. You know, hopes, dreams, methods, that sort of thing.”

“..... I can respect that. Well, since there’s nothing here for me to kill–,” The new Displaced removed his mask, revealing a pair of startlingly green eyes, “– I guess I could hang out for a while. So, who are you and where am I? …. and is there any place I can go to get birdseed?”

I was about to answer before I stopped to process that last bit. “Uh, well, I suppose I could go to Fluttershy and ask for something. As for me, I, good sir, am the Mighty Gilgamesh! Defeater of armies, gods, and demons alike! Dragons cower at the mere mention of my name! ‘Tis I who traverses the multiverse to smite evil!... And do whatever else I want to have fun.”

The Displaced stared, “.....I found this tumbleweed…. I think I should let this roll around….”

“Oh yeah, he comes and goes.”

“Well, I’m Crow. Uh… I kill things when I’m called. Like dragons, manticores, demons, hydras, mob bosses, ninja warlords, heroes, villains, nutjobs, mad scientists….. I think I’ve killed just about one of everything, really.”

“Unless you mean ‘fallen heroes’ I’m not entirely sure we’re going to get along,” I replied, a spark of anger rising in me. “I especially don’t like those who think of killing the same way one thinks of ordering takeout.”

“Well, yes fallen heroes, why else would I kill them? I’m a Lawful Evil aligned assassin, not a psychopath. I just prefer not to inject emotions into my list of kills. Now, if I did inject a little emotion, well, I deeply regret a great number of those kills. But I’m not sorry for them. Well, I guess that was a shitty introduction. Lemme start over.” He unsheathed a longsword from who-knows-where and planted it into the ground,

“I am Crow Murder, servant of the highest crown of the land. I am he who works in the shadows to ensure the light stays safe. I am the silent assassin with over six million kills to my name. I am Crow Murder, and I serve my mistress, Queen Sparkle, until my dying breath.”
I suppressed a growl, processing what he said.

‘Lawful Evil?’ “Queen Sparkle?’ I may have to pay this universe a visit in the future and-

I shook my head.

No. You can’t try and fix the whole damn multiverse. Even Auric probably wouldn’t be able to do that.

“I’m sorry, but I’m afraid I don’t get along with anyone who has an evil alignment. The only reasons I haven’t punched you through a wall right now is because there’s a party going on right now and I don’t want to disturb it, and that if nothing else you seem to have standards. I’m afraid calling you here may have been a waste of both our times.”

“Hmph. Tried to get the Queen to change my official alignment, but nooooooo, she just had to read the D&D 3.5 Dungeon Master’s manual and say that an assassin couldn’t be Chaotic Good. As if Discord is any better in that slot.” He crossed his arms and muttered to himself, then continued, “Ugh. Fuck all. I was hoping to have a decent chat, but whatever. Is there any trouble on this planet, or is this a mostly peaceful Equestria like so many others are? Because if it’s a peaceful one, I’m going to need a lot of alcohol to deal with this. Haven’t had a good conversation in years with anyone other than the Queen… and with all due respect to the crown, she’s about as dry as the Encyclopedia Britannica.”

“Wait, your alignment is a title?” I asked. “Um… I think I may have made some faulty assumptions.”

“Most people do. It’s fine. Our system is really odd anyways. We have true alignments and occupational alignments, and sometimes those conflict. My true alignment is Chaotic Good. Which is exactly why I’m a heroic assassin….. and yes, that does mean I will give money to a hobo on the street.”

I chuckled a bit. “I see. I guess I’d also fall into the Chaotic Good category myself, though in the past I guess I was more a Chaotic Neutral. And I’m a bit confused on how Twilight Sparkle is queen where you’re from. Also, I may have assumed she was evil with that title as well. I guess that’s the storybook bias for ya.”

“Queen Sparkle is as good a queen as one can get, methinks. Fair and just, but not above a little bit of manipulation and assassination if it’ll keep the country safe and happy. And also ridiculously, ludicrously powerful. Ah…. you heard of a demon named Tirek?”

“Afraid I haven’t.”

“Hmm, then spoilers. Well, suffice to say, as with all things involving the Elements, there are rainbows at his defeat normally. Ah…. I threw off the timeline a lot when I arrived by killing him. Shit happened. I’ll tell you later. He probably won’t be much of a challenge to you as long as you go straight for the kill and don’t fuck around too much.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. So, if she’s queen, where are the Princesses? Don’t tell me they’re-”

“Alive. Mostly happy too. Remember when I said that shit happened? Yeah. My arrival directly ties into the ascension of the Queen…. and the Princesses are just kinda living the rest of their immortal lives somewhere in the palace. I don’t see them much. I’m usually only in the palace for a few hours at most, even if her Majesty tries to force me to stay in my barracks and relax. Tch. I can relax when I’m dead and dust on the wind. Or if I’m not in my home Universe.”

“Well, I guess that’s good to hear. I couldn’t imagine an Equestria without those three as Twilight. And I’ll admit to wanting an exciting life as well, but you’ve got to appreciate the lulls too. Sometimes there just isn’t something goin’ on.”

Crow stretched and looked around, “..... Are we in a bathroom?”

“Yeah, sorry. I had to do my business and I didn’t want to disturb everypony else. These ponies are slightly more panicky in this realm than in a lot of the others. I don’t think they’d react well to you. Unless, I don’t know, you came dressed in a clown outfit or something.”

“I don’t do clown outfits unless it’s Scootaloo’s birthday, and only then because they scare the crap outta her and Regent Dash always makes me do it.”

“‘Regent Dash’? Ok, wow, your Equestria is different. I mean, I already knew that, but I didn’t think Rainbow Dash of all ponies would be given a political office. And I guess that includes the rest of the Elements. Oh man I can just picture Regent Fluttershy. ‘Um, today I decree that it will be Animal Appreciation day! Um, if that’s alright.’”

“That almost happened, but got shot down. I think they’re still debating over it right now…”

I was about to continue when a voice came from outside.

“HEY GILGY, DID YOU FALL IN!? RAINBOW WANTS TO CHALLENGE YOU TO A HOOF-WRESTLING MATCH!”

“GIVE ME A SEC, PINKIE!” I called back. “Hey listen, I gotta go. I appreciate meeting you. Someone to tell me how crazy things can get out there.”

“What, you gotta go now? Can… can I meet your friends? I haven’t really had any real ones in a while…. mostly since I just slaughter evil things and leave when I’m summoned.”

I winced at that. I felt pretty bad, but...

“Sorry, I think there’s enough to deal with right now. A lot of crazy and deadly stuff is happening in this world, and I’m only staying here long enough to convey a message. But I’ll tell you what.” I extended my hand and created one of my medallions. “Here’s my token. Just give me a call and I promise I’ll do what I can to make some time for you. I’ll even introduce you to some of my friends back in my home dimension. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve done it.”

Though it would only be the second.

“Tss. Well, I guess that’s fine. Keep the knife though, it’ll help…. maybe. Never know when you might need a random throwing knife.”

“Or an assassin, though honestly I hope I don’t. I’d really like to just hang with people, or better yet have a sparring match with them. Well, take care Mr. Murder.”

“I’ll take you up on that spar later… haven’t really had much of a chance to practice my fighting skills lately. Just the assassin ones.”

And with that, he vanished into a flurry of feathers and glimmering steel, the echoes of a murder of crows sounding faintly in the background.

Well, that was thing. I thought as I left the bathroom.

“Ok, Dash, prepare to be crushed by my mighty arms!”

Far away, in a cave in the Everfree

Crow materialized in his signature flash of feathers and steel, and promptly faded back into Umbra Shadow-Walker.

“Well then, that was interesting…. though I do wish I could have gotten to know him further.”

Umbra grinned, already excited by future prospects of shenanigans. As he prepared a portal out of the Universe, he didn’t notice a small rock in his path, and being the clumsy idiot he sometimes is, he promptly tripped forward and launched the portal over the horizon directly at Ponyville.

“.....Aaaahhh shit.”

And we all know how that turned out. Bye Gilgy, say hi to Ben for Umbra!

Author's Notes:

So... I finally got that crossover with shinigamisparda's The Mighty Warrior of Epicness.... And I love that. But there wasn't much we could actually do, so I did this.

And now we know how Gilgy got to Ben

Chapter 9: New Name, New Life

Dear Diary,

Today I left behind the SysAdmins and became a traveling salesman. All in all... it's not much different from what I did in my spare time anyway. I also had a bunch of my old SysAdmin friends try to bring me back into the fold since my official status- DAMMIT DEATH- is listed under "Paid Vacation". Son of a bitch! I QUIT FOR A REASON AND I'M NOT GOING BACK. I DON'T CARE, DEATH. FINE! KEEP MY STATUS UNDER PAID VACATION. NEVER GONNA USE THAT ACCOUNT AGAIN ANYWAY.

... Okay, maybe when funds are tight, but other than that, nothing. Thank god I still have enough juice to keep my shop stocked with anything and everything.

Except the some of the stuff I only had because of my position, like Admin Essence in a Jar. Why I sold that, I will never know. Especially since it was basically the same thing as Canned Eldritch Abomination Flesh.

On a different note, I learned that, yes, I am apparently very killable now. How do I know? One of my Admin friends... I should stop calling them my old friends since we're still hanging out... got emotional, blasted me through a wall, and broke my neck in fifty four places. Thankfully, a) I'm still listed as an Eldritch Abomination, b) I had a fuckton of Admins to keep me from dying as my backup plan. Ergo, killable, but not quite. I still died for a few minutes while my neck healed, though. DEATH and I had a chat. Mostly him asking me if I wanted to take up my position again. I refused, obviously. Otherwise I'd be out fixing Universes instead of selling weird shit.

Well, I can't see the Void Code anymore... sad. It really was quite pretty to watch as it floated by in endless streams. Ah well, the real Void is much prettier. All chaotic and shifty and paradoxical. Plus, there's background noise as well. Right now it's Eine Kleine Nachtmusik. A few minutes ago, it was The Complete Works of METALLICA. Wonderful.

Well, TTFN, gotta move the shop again (I made it manifest as a Space Cruiser for now) I smell a sale nearby.

Aaron Heibai (Formerly Umbra Shadow-Walker)

Author's Notes:

Since So...That Happened is complete, so is this. New story to come one day.

See you, space cowboy.