Remember when I said that we were going to regret eating those muffins? Well, after me and the guys had return to our house, we were beginning to feel the effects of those muffins. Although, we each seemed to have had different side effects: Jonathan would be vomiting every twenty minutes, Andrew would be having diarrhea every ten minutes, and as for me...well it definitely wasn't anything like what the guys were having. I don't know exactly what I was having, but for some reason I was too weak to even get out of bed, my whole body felt warm, and my voice began to crack a little. So it was safe to say that I got the worst of it.

All of this may seem bad at first, but the one good thing about all of this was that Fluttershy got to take care of me. And I'm not kidding, she was literally in the middle of grooming Angel when she heard about me being sick--and I can only imagine how pissed that furry little bastard must've been when she ditched him.

Anyway, when Fluttershy did come to take care of me, she was doing the usual thing that anyone does to someone who's sick. She put a thermometer in my mouth, an ice pack on my head--she even put an extra blanket on my bed. When she checked my temperature, she said, "Oh my, you're really burning up!"

I then said in my cracked-up voice, "Really? I didn't notice."

"At least now you'll think twice before eating something out of the trash."

"Yeah, but it was worth grossing you girls out." Fluttershy seemed to have been offended by that, and she would've been long gone if I hadn't said, "Fluttershy, wait." I don't know what was getting into me, but for some reason I didn't want her to leave my sight.

As she stood by the door, she said, "Yes?"

I then decided to let her know how grateful I am. "Thanks for coming on short notice."

She then flew over and gave me a hug. "There's no need to thank me, I always help my friends when they need me." Then as she flew to the door, she said, "Now you just stay right in bed and get plenty of rest; your fever should wear off in a week." And with that said she walked out of the door and went back to her cottage. After she had left, the guys came in and did some more cracks about me and her being together--and they were lucky that I was too weak to get off this bed and shove both their heads in the toilet.

A week later, our fevers had finally worn off; Jonathan didn't have to puke anymore, Andrew didn't have to constantly shit, and I got my strength and deep, manly voice back. As we were playing a Call of Duty game (they're all basically the same if you ask me), there came a knock on the door. I went up to see who it was. When I opened the door, there stood Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie with a pickle jar.

"What is it?" I asked them.

Then Pinkie said, "Me and Rainbow Dash were wondering if you could help open this jar for us."

As I took the jar in my grasp, I noticed that Pinkie and Rainbow Dash were both chuckling for some reason. And that's when it came to me that this was just a prank. So as I slowly twisted the top, I quickly aimed the jar at them and let out the little fake snakes that were stuffed in there. As I saw them jump back in fright, I said to myself, "Old gag, new twist."

Rainbow Dash was like, "How did you see that coming?"

"I'm the prank master," I said, "I know a prank when I see it. And it'll take a long time for anyone to out prank me."

"So you're saying that you can do better pranks than us?" said Rainbow Dash.

"I'm the guy who made Andrew wear a dress, remember? In fact, I'll just show you what I can do."

I took them all to Twilight's place. There, I asked Spike for another one of those muffins (and it just happens that he had the last one). As I held the muffin in my hand, Pinkie Pie said, "What're you gonna do with that?"

"You'll see." When Derpy just happen to have flown by, I shouted, "Hey Derpy, you want this muffin?"

She then stopped flying for a second and just swooped down and took the muffin. As she was flying away, she cried out, "Thank you!"

I then turned to Pinkie and Rainbow Dash and said, "And that is why I'm the prank master."

Rainbow Dash was then like, "OK, me and Pinkie are gonna go prank Fluttershy now. So..."

"You better not prank her!" I shouted.

Rainbow Dash was then like, "And why not?"

I then grabbed her and said, "You even think about pulling a prank on her, then I'll shove you in this pickle jar!" and with that said, I gave them back their jar and I went straight to the house.

Rainbow Dash said to Pinkie, "Gees, since when did he care about anypony?"

Then Pinkie told her, "Well, if somepony you knew took care of you when you were sick, wouldn't you be nicer to them?"

"I guess so."

A couple of days later, me and Jonathan were just lying on the couch, watching a Game of Thrones episode. As Khal Drogo was about to pour molten gold on Viserys, Andrew came bursting in and said, "Hey guys, we've just been invited to some party Pinkie Pie's throwing."

Jonathan asked me, "Should we go?"

I then told him, "Ah what the Hell? We can watch fantasy-violence and sex some other time." So I turned off the TV, and then we went on to Sugarcube Corner to attend Pinkie's party.

When we came to Sugarcube Corner, we were standing at the exact same spot as before. I had a can of Coke in my hand and I just chilled with the guys. Then out of nowhere we started to hear somebody scream. And that somebody turned out to just be a griffin. For those of you who don't know, a griffin is a mythical creature that's part eagle and part lion. This particular griffin was raising its voice at Pinkie Pie, but then Rainbow Dash came and started to yell at the griffin.

When Pinkie came by, I asked her, "Hey Pinkie, what's up with the griffin?"

Then she said, "Oh that's just Gilda; she's Rainbow Dash's old friend. But she's also a big meanie."

"Oh please," said Jonathan, "If there's one thing I know, it's that there's nobody who's meaner than Jeffrie."

"Why was she screaming?" asked Andrew.

"Because she thought that I was responsible for these pranks, but now she's realizing that it was actually Rainbow Dash who was behind them," Pinkie explained.

"So what makes this three-foot chicken so mean, exactly?" I asked.

"Well for starters," said Pinkie Pie, "she's trying to get in between mine and Rainbow Dash's new friendship."

"OK," I said in a not-so-caring manner.

"Don't you care?" asked Pinkie.

"Nope, not really," I took a sip of my Coke, "but do keep telling me."

"Well, she also used her tail to make Granny Smith sneeze."

"That's just a harmless prank; and I should know, because I do them on Andrew all the time."

As I took another sip of my Coke, Andrew said under his breath, "Harmless my ass!"

And then Pinkie continued, "She also stole an apple."

"So what?" I said dismissively. "I used to steal tons of things when I was six. And I was a good thief, too. I can steal anything and never get caught."

To this, Jonathan said, "It's true, he can do that."

As I took a big gulp of the Coke, Pinkie Pie then told me, "Well, I hope I didn't have to tell you this, but," she made a big sigh and said, "she also bumped into Fluttershy on purpose and yelled at her!"

After hearing that sentence I spat the Coke on Andrew and I started to cough! Rainbow Dash stopped her yelling and she, Gilda, and all the other ponies turned and stared at me. After I've stopped coughing, I said to Pinkie Pie, "What did you say?!"

When she noticed all the ponies staring at us, she leaned in and whispered, "When Fluttershy was walking her ducks, Gilda bumped into her and just yelled at her for no reason."

I then gave Gilda an angry glare as I called Fluttershy over. "Why is he staring at me like that?" Gilda said to herself. When Fluttershy came over, I whispered to her, "Did that griffin yell at you?"

She then started to tear up a bit as she told me, "Yes, she did! And I don't know why she would do such a thing; I was just walking my ducks home and then she comes out of nowhere and roars at me!"

"WHAT?!" as the crowd started to look scared, I was like, "Oh that is it!" and as I walked forward--with the guys walking beside me--the ponies began to clear away for me to give that bitch a piece of my mind. "Hey birdbrain!" I said to Gilda. "Now you listen to me and you listen good; you can make Granny Smith sneeze, steal apples, and even come between Pinkie Pie's and Rainbow Dash's newfound friendship. But when you bump into Fluttershy, and yell at her for no fucking reason, then you have gone too damn far! You go apologize to her right now!"

Normally I wouldn't care about any of these ponies' problems, but if that problem inolves Fluttershy, then that's different. Anyway, as I waited for Gilda to apologize, she just looks at me all smug like and says, "Hey, don't blame this on me; that dweeb should've looked where she was going!"

"How dare you," I cried. "She is a nice lady; and I should know, because that so called 'dweeb' over there, took care of me when I was sick. And if you think that I'm just gonna let some feather-brained bitch like you get away with treating nice people like her like crap, then you got another thing coming! I'm not gonna count to three--Hell, I'm not even gonna count to one! You will tell Fluttershy you're sorry, or so help me God, I will pluck out every single last fucking feather on your body!"

Jonathan then said to her, "I'd do as he says if I were you."

And then Andrew added, "Trust us, you don't want to fuck around with him when he's that pissed."

Instead of apologizing to Fluttershy like I told her, she instead says, "I'll do whatever I want, when I want to, and no two-legged, tail-less, fleshy, mutated monkey, is going to tell me how to treat any dweeb I come across!"

Andrew was then like, "Ooh, now you've done it."

And I was like, "Oh no you didn't, no you didn't, NO YOU DIDN'T! That's it, bitch; you have just brought down the thunder, and you have left me with no other choice but to do this."

"And what's that?" she asked.

"Gilda, I challenge you to a yo mama battle, right here, right now!"

Everybody was gasping in surprise, except for Spike. He said, "OK, I'm confused. What's a yo mama battle?"

Andrew explained to him, "It's when two people try to come up with insults about one anothers' mothers."

And I added, "Yeah, and you only have ten seconds to come up with an insult. If you can't think of one in ten seconds, then you lose. In fact, let's make this more interesting." I then announced to all the ponies, "Whoever loses has to leave Ponyville and never return!"

Everybody was now gasping in shock! Twilight was like, "Don't do it, Jeffrie! That's probably what she wants you to do!"

I turned to her and said, "Relax, Twilight, I got this."

Fluttershy then said, "But what if you don't win?! What if we never get to see you again?!"

"None of that is going to happen," I assured her. "I maybe a lot of things; but if there's one thing I'm not, it's a loser." I then turned back to Gilda, "Now here's the deal: if I win, then you have to leave Ponyville and never show your ugly face here again."

"And what if I win?"

"If you win, then I'll leave and I'll give you my house."

This caused Jonathan to hiss to my ear, "Jeffrie, you better win this, I shit you not!"

"Really?" said Gilda, raising an eyebrow. "You're willing to give up your own house?"

"Shake on it?" I said as I extended my hand. When Gilda shook it, she said, "Good luck," she then pulled me forward and added, "You're gonna need it!" but as she was about to let go, I pulled her forward, tightened my grip, and said, "Not as much as you, birdbrain!" and with that said, I released my grip on Gilda's claw/talon thing and we started the battle.

"Yo mama's so ugly," I started, "that people dress up like her for Halloween!" this made Andrew and Jonathan go, "Ooo," except for the ponies--apparently they never heard of Halloween before.

Gilda was beginning to understand the concept of this game as she said, "Yo mama's so stupid, she couldn't pass a blood test!" this time the ponies did go, "Ooo," (at least they know what a blood test is).

I then said, "Yo mama's so ugly, she made an onion cry!" this made everybody laugh.

To that, Gilda said, "Yo mama's so ugly, she turned a cockatrice to stone!"

"Yo mama's so stupid, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept!"

"Yo mama's..."

I then interrupted her, "Yo mama's so stupid, she cheated on Derpy's test!" Derpy was somewhere in the crowd shouting "Woo-hoo!" but then she dunked her head back in a barf bag and commenced to vomiting--apparently the effect of that muffin was finally getting to her.

Gilda was surprised by this sudden interruption and was like, "Well, yo mama's..."

But I interupted her again; only this time I was up in her face, lookind down at her as she was lying down, trembling, as she looked up at me. "Yo mama's so ugly, she looked at a mirror and it shattered!"

Gilda then began to get nervous as she stuttered, "Yeah, w-well, y-y-yo mama's s-so..."

But now I finally got her in my trap, and I was going for the kill! I'm about to finish that Kentucky Fried Chicken bitch off with the mother of all yo mama insults! I'm going to take three insults and combine them into one big insult! I then said, "Yo mama, is sooooo ugly, I said she's sooooo ugly, that she gave Freddy Krueger nightmares, the kidnappers from Taken wouldn't want to take her away, and the sight of her makes Justin Beiber go 'EW'!"

Gilda was now sweating up a storm; she just stood there as she repeated, "Uh-uh-uh!"

Then I told her, "Tick-tock, Gilda, you only got ten seconds." Me and the guys started to count, "10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1!" and when we reached zero, I cried, "Oh yeah, I won! Play my victory song, Jonathan!" he then took out his Ipod and he played "We Are The Champions"

After it was over, I walked up to Gilda and said, "Time's up, bitch, you lost! Now you gotta fly the coop."

"B-b-but..."

"No buts!" I cried. "We had a deal: whoever lost has to leave Ponyville, forever."

"B-b-but..."

Pinkie Pie then pops out of nowhere and said to Gilda in a somewhat creepy tone, "FOREVER!" and then she hid behind the crowd very slowly.

Before Gilda left, I said, "Hold on there, Ernie."

"What now?!"

"Before you go start your next round with Peter Griffin, I believe you still owe my friend an apology."

"Seriously, you still want me to apologize to that dweeb?"

I was getting sick and tired of that bitch thinking she can get away from what she did to Fluttershy! So I quickly grabbed a bottle, smashed it against a table, then I grabbed Gilda in a headlock and I pointed the broken bottle right at her face! "Tell Fluttershy you're sorry or I'll gouge one of your fucking eyes out!"

Gilda suddenly transformed from a smug bitch to a terrified little girl the moment I held that broken glass in front of her face. "OK, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

"You're sorry for what?!"

"I'm sorry for bumping into you; I should've watched where I was going!"

"And?!"

"And I'm also sorry for raising my voice at you; I should've used my inside voice!"

That's when Jonathan cried, "Oh my God, she wet herself!"

I looked down and I saw the little puddle of urine that was under Gilda's feet. I was like, "Aw, does Polly want a diaper?" and then me and the guys just had to laugh! After I got that out of my system, I held Gilda up to my face, and I told her as I held the broken bottle up in her face, "Let's get one thing clear, bitch. When I say that you'll leave forever, I mean you'll leave forever. I don't want to see you flying over here, I don't want to see you setting a single foot on here, and I most certainly damn well don't want to see you anywhere near Fluttershy, again! If I do, then I'll rip your fucking head off, mount it on my fucking wall, and then me and my friends will have the rest of your body for Thanksgiving. YOU GOT THAT BITCH?!"

She nodded her head in a rapid pace and I released her. But before she left, I told her, "Oh, and one last thing. Yo mama's so ugly, she entered an ugly contest but was cast away because the judges told her," I then got really close to her face and said, "'Sorry...NO PROFESSIONALS!"

After I gave her a big dose of her own medicine, she then flew away crying like the little bitch that see is. I then cried out to her, "Yeah you better fly away, and don't let me catch you here again, or it's griffin season for you!"

Jonathan then said to the others, "Like I said, 'nobody is meaner than Jeffrie'."

"It wasn't that mean," Fluttershy insisted. "In fact, it's actually kinda sweet." When I walked back in, she told me, "Thanks for standing up for me."

And I told her, "It's the least I could do."

As I was walking back home that night, Twilight had followed me and said, "Jeffrie, I don't believe it. How were you able to do that?"

"Do what?"

"Defend Fluttershy the way you did just earlier."

"Oh that, well...it's in my nature."

"What does that mean?" I then took this time to tell her the story of the scorpion and the frog (although, I personally prefer the Robot Chicken version). After I finished explaining to her, she said, "So what is your nature exactly?"

And I told her, "To defend people like Fluttershy against people like Gilda."