My Little HetaStuck MSTs
Episode 4
Romano x Depressed!Reader

Twilight: Hello everypony! This is Twilight Sparkle, the newly coronated Princess of Friendship, and welcome to another episode of My Little HetaStuck MSTs! Joining me, as always, are Feliciano "Italy" Vargas.
Italy: Hello!
Twilight: John Egbert.
John: hey!
Twilight: And...*fanmare giggle* Harry Potter!
Harry: Hi!
Twilight: Okay, today we shall be reading something that's very common in the fanfiction community, and that's "reader inserts". For some reason, they're particularly common in the Hetalia fandom, Italy's fandom. What's this one called, Italy?
Italy: It just says "Romano x Depressed!Reader" by The-Tart-Queen. It's about my brother. I invited him over to riff with us!
Twilight: I've met your brother before, Italy. How did you convince him to visit?
Italy: Well...
*Romano rushes in with flowers in his hand*
Romano: *excited* ITALY! IS PRUSSIA HERE? DID HE REALLY SAY THAT HE'S DESPERATELY IN LOVE WITH ME!?
Italy: He needed some persuading.
Romano:...Prussia's not here, is he?
Italy: Nope.
Romano:...*chucks flowers* I hate you. *walks away*
Italy: Wait! Fratello, please stay! We want you to riff with us!
Romano: Why?
Harry: Because this involves you, apparently.
Romano: Forget it! I'm sick of those fanfic writers and their defamation of Spain's character!
Italy: Oh come on, fratello! PLEASE?
Romano: NO, Italy!
Italy: *suddenly dressed like a girl* Pretty please?
Romano: WHAT THE--!?
Twilight: If you don't do it, I'll turn you into an orange.
Romano: OKAY, FINE! This better be good...
John: it won't be.

Life. Sucks.

Twilight: Great opening.

You felt numb all over. You wanted to curl up and die right here and now. You were currently in the Girls bathroom of the mall crying into the sink as Elizabetha and Mei, your best friends since birth, were keeping guard so no one could come in.

John: gog, the fanfic just started and i already hate the protagonist.
Italy: Why are Hungary and Taiwan there? Does the reader have any non-fictional friends?
Harry: Probably not.

What was the reason you were here?

Romano: Spoiler alert: WE DON'T CARE.

Easy, everything in your live was crumbling.

Twilight: GRAMMAR!

Nothing was happy anymore. No one noticed you anymore. Your parents split up two weeks ago, you were failing all your classes and had 3 hours of detention on you every day, and to top it all off, the guy you had been crushing on since forever, Lovino, and yes you liked him! No matter what others said about him!

Twilight: So...typical teenage girl stuff? Hardly anything to be depressed over. Except, y'know, the grades thing. I'd be really depressed if my grades were that low! But then again who wouldn't be?
Everyone else: *raises hands*
Twilight: Stupid question -_-;

had been "secretly" dating Antonio, and by the way, you were the only one Antonio hated.

Romano: And here comes the defamation! Spain doesn't HATE anything! If they make Toni a rapist I swear I'm gonna--
Italy: HUGGING TIME!

And you know how you found out?

Twilight: I'm afraid to ask...

"Have you heard?" Elizabetha asked while she, Mei, and you were at the mall

"Heard what?" Mei asked, tilting her head.

"Antonio and Lovino are dating!" Elizabetha giggled.

"Oh that, that's old news, they've been dating for a month now," Mei waved her hand at Elizabetha.

"They what?!" You look up from your phone and drop everything you were holding.

John: that's not melodramatic. also, how did she not know this already?

"You didn't know?" Mei looked at you, surprised, "I would have thought you would be the first one Lovino would tell."

You tried to hide the hurt, but immediately, Elizabetha took your hand and lead you to the bathroom as Mei picked up your things.

And thus, you were here. Turning the sink black with your running mascara.

John: soooo...that's your bombshell? that's the thing that destroys your happiness? that your crush who doesn't even know you like him is dating someone else? wow. just...wow! i mean, your ex dating someone else, maybe, but your crush who probably doesn't even know you!? really? Wow.

Soon you recovered and fixed your make-up, gathering yourself you walked out of the bathroom.

"I'm going home..." you whispered.

"I think I will, too." Elizabetha muttered.

"Me too. I've bought enough stuff." Mei gave you your bought items and your phone back, still open to the message you were typing earlier.

Romano: Of course, your priorities are NOT that your friend is hurt, but that you bought enough stuff! Totally makes sense!
John: your brother's a natural, italy!

You forgot, you were talking to Lovino. You closed your phone and noticed you had three new messages, all from Lovi.

Twilight: You forgot? Wow. Afterthought, much?

You closed your phone and noticed you had three new messages, all from Lovi.

"Hello?"

"Chica?"

"Are you OK?"

Romano: When have I ever called a woman "chica"?
Italy: Well...

You angrily opened your phone again and replied,

"If you cared about whether or not I'm 'ok,' you would think about me when you tell everyone else something and not me. Why am I not good enough to know these things? Don't talk to me again."

Twilight: This is kind of accurate to depression, I guess. But I still don't get why the author feels the need to make the story about depression, especially in a reader insert. I mean, maybe if it were an OC/Canon story, but a reader insert? At its core, a reader insert is what is known as "wish-fulfillment" and let's be honest, nobody wants to be depressed.

You simply got a text from Antonio,

"Don't talk to my Lovi like that."

Romano: STOP IT! THAT'S NOT WHAT SPAIN TALKS LIKE! SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!
John: you really remind me of karkat XD

"You said you would be home two hours ago!" your mom yelled from the kitchen when she heard the door open.

Twilight: Sooo...you want readers to pretend they have abusive parents? What is wrong with fanfictions like this!?

"Mom, leave me alone!" you scream and run to your room, locking the door and throwing yourself on your bed, hugging the tomato pillow Lovino had given you for your birthday.

Romano: I gave her a tomato pillow? If I am so nice to this girl, then why am I not dating her instead?
Italy: Because you're dating Toni ^_^
Romano: But I'm not dating Spain!
Italy: Not in real life, but in this fanfiction you are!
Romano: Fanfics are stupid! And so are the people who write them!
CJ Croen:...Fine, be that way! *storms out*
Italy: Fratello! You made our boss leave!
Romano: I don't care!
Twilight: Stop squabbling you two! We still have a story to riff!

"______, open the door!" your mom calls from the other side of the door.

"Go away! Leave me alone!" you scream, throwing a stuffed white bear holding a red heart saying "Mommy's Little Girl" on it at the door.

Twilight: *facehoof* Ugh...

There was a pause from the other side of the door.

"Dinner will be on the counter when you come out," your mother calls as she walks away.

Harry: Well that's nice of her! Or at least, she sounds marginally better than my aunt and uncle.

'I'm never eating again.' you think to yourself

John: drama queen!
Twilight: She sounds like Rarity.

you stood up and walked over to your dresser. You took off your jacket and opened the top drawer and dug to the bottom and pulled out a knife you've been hiding there for a while now.

Twilight: OH NO! This better not be going in the direction I think it's going...

You looked at your arm, it looked pretty bad already.

Twilight: NO! NO! I WILL NOT ACCEPT THIS! DO NOT USE THIS FANFIC TO TURN SELF HARM, A SERIOUS ISSUE, INTO A TRIVIAL MATTER!

You sat down and set the knife on your skin, only to be interrupted by a phone call. It was Lovino. You sighed and put the knife down.

Twilight: UGH! STOP IT!

"Hello?" You whispered into the phone.

"_______?" Lovino asked from the other line. He never called you by your real name, he would usually call you (nickname you hate) You sighed and moved your (h/l) (h/c) hair out of your face.

John: how many people really have nicknames that they don't like?
Twilight: A lot, actually.

"Yeah?" you muttered.

"Why were you so mad at me earlier? What did I do?"

"You know very well what you did! Why don't you ever tell me when you do something?! You've been dating Antonio for a MONTH?! Why didn't you tell me?! It would have been easier on me then Letting me figure out by Elizabetha and Mei!"

John: translation: you're not straight, i want to make out with you, and you betrayed me by dating a guy. whiny selfish teenager at work here. also subtle homophobia.

"__-_____!" Lovino shouted your name.

"No, all you're going to do is apologize and make an excuse! I'm done with that! I'm done with everything! When I said don't talk to me, I meant DON'T TALK TO ME!" You hang up the phone and pick up the knife, dragging it across your skin.

Twilight: *sobs profusely*

~LE (not so) AWESOME TIME SKIP BROUGHT TO YOU BY (Spain) PRUSSIA~

John: well...that seems really inappropriate.
Twilight: Didn't you mention someone named Prussia, Romano?
Romano: I said nothing of the sort.
Twilight: Then why are you blushing?
Romano: SHUT UP!

"______! What were you thinking?!" Elizabetha screams at you as you two left the store you were in. Her dragging you by the wrist to her own house.

Twilight: That sentence was really sloppy.

"I-I..." You started, stuttering as you thought about how in the world Elizabetha figured out about your... for lack of a better word... problem. "I don't know..."

Twilight: Stop it. Stop using self-harm, a serious problem as an excuse to stir up more drama.

"If you don't know, who does?!" Yep. She was officially freaking out. And this is why you didn't want her to know. You stopped walking as you saw Lovino walking by on the other side of the road, head downcast and... alone? Antonio was always with him.

Romano: So he never gives me space? That sounds kind of like him, but still...

"Elizabetha, let me go," you demanded softly, keeping your eyes locked on Lovi. Elizabetha traced your gaze and tilted her head.

"Didn't you hear?" she muttered sympathetically, "He and Antonio broke up two weeks ago. He didn't want to talk to you because he didn't want to hurt you any more, his words exactly," she released your arms.

Romano: Okay, REALLY!? This story's pointless! It should have started with me hooking up with her and THEN giving the conflict! AUGH!

Your legs took a mind of their own. Before you knew it you had jump-glomped Lovino.
To the ground.
You didn't notice.

Twilight: LOOK HOW DEPRESSED SHE IS! THIS IS SO REALISTIC! My soul hurts...

He looked surprised at first, then when he realized who it was, and that you two were in a *ahem* quite awkward position, he blushed deep red and pushed you off, yelling, "Get off me, cagn-" stopping mid-insult to stare at your arm, which the sleeve had been pushed up, reveling the many scars on your arm.

John: drama-bomb!

"S-Sorry," you stutter, quickly hiding the scars.

Before you knew it, Lovino had grabbed your arm and pushed your sleeve up. "W-What the hell?!" He yelled at you, "What is this!"

"I-It's nothing!" You say shakily.

"Nothing my ass! Did you do this to yourself?!"

Romano: Oh, so NOW I'm depicted realistically!? UGH!

You started to cry. You have no idea where the tears came from, but you started to bawl.

John: they came from your eyes.
Twilight: Technically, they came from your tear ducts.

"(nickname you hate)..."

"Don't call me that!" You scream between sobs, "You want to know why I did?! My parents hate me! My teachers hate me!" You try to yank your arm away, "YOU hate me!"

Twilight: THE WORLD IS SO AGAINST ME! I'M SO DEPRESSED! This is not how depression works. Depression is a mental illness. It afflicts you regardless of what situation you're in. In fact, it is oftentimes genetic. While outward problems can sometimes cause it, they more commonly exacerbate it.
Rainbow Dash: *flies past* THE MORE YOU KNOW.

Lovino's gaze suddenly went blank and he let go of your arm, which sent you flying onto your back. He picked you up and brought you to his house, as much as you fought, he brought you to his room.

Romano: OH GOD, THIS ISN'T GOING WHERE I THINK IT'S GOING, IS IT!?
Twilight: Also, thanks for showing us this, author!

"Now we can talk in private." He set you down on the bed and took off his jacket. Then suddenly you felt something warm and soft press against your lips.

He was kissing you. Lovino Vargas, was kissing you. You quickly pushed him away. "W-what the hell?!" you scream. "One minute you tell me nothing and the next, you're kissing me?!"

Romano: I can't do anything in this fanfic, can I?
Twilight: Probably the only thing the author's getting right is the fact that this is a rather common problem for people with depression.

"_________, listen" Lovino was completely serious. "I didn't tell you because I knew you were stressed enough. I didn't want you to hurt yourself," He rubbed your arm. "Too late for that though..."

"Y-you don't hate me..?"

Romano: Yes I do. Because you're whiny and spoiled.

"Of course not! Why the hell do you think I do?"

"I-I... You were dating Antonio... And he and I don't get along at all... So I thought you were trying to tell me to get out of your life or something..."

"No!" Lovino's eyes softened and he sighed, "I'm sorry I made you think that..." He stopped and looked at the floor, his face was as red as a tomato, "Actually... Ti amo..."

Romano: Ah yes, this cliche in Hetalia fanfics. Apparently, we nation-tans just randomly lapse into our native languages when we're around our significant others. It's cute, I know, but it gets excessive.
Twilight: It's also something that you'd expect more if you've been dating someone for a long time. Not if you've just started dating.

"Wha..?" you looked at him in surprise. Tears instantly sprang into your eyes and you hugged him tightly around the neck. "You don't know how long I've been waiting to hear that!" You cried happily.

Then, something happened that you never thought you would ever see.

Lovino smiled.

Romano: YES, BECAUSE I NEVER SMILE, APPARENTLY!
Italy: But you don't.
Romano: SHUT UP!
Twilight: Well, the story has ended. What were your impressions? I for one thought it wasn't very good. It misrepresented depression quite a lot and was really overly dramatic.
Romano: I hated it.
Italy: Me too.
John: me three.
Harry: My question is, why do so many reader and self inserts give their subjects such awful lives? I mean, I know it gets better when they meet the character, but as Twilight said the whole thing is wish-fulfillment. I don't think anyone would WANT to be depressed or abused just so that someone will come to their rescue.
Twilight: Exactly! That is what's fundamentally wrong with those kinds of fics. Well, I hope you enjoyed this riff! We'll be back soon! Give us some requests in the meantime!
Romano: Can I go, now?
Italy: Yes! You were a very good riffer, fratello! We should do it again sometime!
Romano: No thanks...

----

*Elsewhere, four figures are seated around a crystal ball which shows our riffer heroes on it. The four figures are dressed in colored cloaks; one pink, one green, one red and one white. Their hoods obscure their faces, but one of them is obviously a pony.*

Green Cloak: They don't seem to be losing their minds. Are you sure it's working?
Red Cloak: Yeah, they seem to be pretty well off.
Pink Cloak: Calm yourselves...someday, they will be broken. And when that happens, we will be ready! Muahahahaha! Laugh with me, laugh with me!
All: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
*beat*
Pink Cloak: So now what?
*awkward silence*
White Cloak: Wanna build a snowman?
Pink Cloak: Okay.
Green Cloak: Sounds nice.
Red Cloak: I'm game.
*all leave*

To be continued...