My Little HetaStuck MST
Episode 3
Harry Potter Turns to the Lord

(In the BadFic Theater, Twilight, John and Italy are sitting in the front row and greeting the readers)

Twilight Sparkle: Hi, everyone! We have some good news and some bad news.
Italy: The bad news is that we won't be doing a Hetalia fanfic today. :(
John Egbert: why can't we?
Twilight: Because we couldn't find any properly bad fanfics.
Italy: We could! We just couldn't find any that wasn't either porn, multi-chaptered epics or way too short!
Twilight: That's exactly the problem! We do not allow porn, we are taking a break from multi-chaptered works and the short ones would make for uninteresting riffs!
John: wait, if we don't do porn then why did we read "homestuck high"?
Twilight: There is a huge difference between "Homestuck High" and porn!
John: what difference is that?
(awkward silence)
Twilight: Anyway, we will be taking requests from now on. Feel free to send any bad fanfictions you can find and we'll find a way to riff it! You can send in multi chaptered works, but you'll have to be patient and wait until we're ready to riff them at the end of our break, which will be notified in Mr. Croen's author notes. There is only one rule: No. Porn. EVER!
Italy: I hope someone sends us a Hetalia fanfic soon!
Twilight: On to the good news; that our next review will involve our first special guest! We will be riffing a "Harry Potter" fanfiction today! And it is called "Harry Potter Turns to the Lord" and it's written by Saint Abraham! Our special guest, of course, is none other than Harry Potter himself! The famed boy wizard of whom I, personally am a huge fan!
John: so...twi, would you call yourself a harry potter fangirl?
Twilight: Fanmare is the term in Equestria, but yes, I believe I would.
John: ummm...twi, are you sure you're gonna be able to control yourself around him?
Twilight: Oh, John! I'm not like those fanmares! I know that underneath all of that fame and coolness, Mr. Potter is just a normal, average guy who just happens to be...
(Harry enters. He's wearing jeans and a hoodie. He looks somewhat older now and has a goatee)
Harry Potter: Hello, everyone.
Twilight: THE GREATEST BOY WIZARD WHO EVER LIVED!!!!!!!!! (John and Italy try to restrain her, but Twilight teleports to Harry before they can) Hi Harry! I'm Princess Twilight Sparkle and I'm your biggest fan! I read all seven books, and after I read the seventh I cried, I cried for a week! Because it was so sad but soooooooooooo good! Plus, it was over! Oh my gosh, I'm babbling! It's just that you are SOOOO awesome! (makes the /)^3^(\ face)
Harry: (sincerely) You're too kind.
John: (pushes Twilight aside) hey there, harry! name's john egbert! i'm kind of a moderate fan of yours, but my friend rose loves your books and movies!
Twilight: (hushed) Daniel Radcliffe could never do him justice!
John: so...i know this probably happens a lot, but...can i get your autograph for rose?
Harry: Of course! (signs the book John hands him while Twilight teleports herself so that she's hanging onto his shoulders)
Italy: My friend England told me about you! He says you make him a lot of money!
Harry: Oh, uh...thanks, I guess...
John: uh, twi? shouldn't we get to the riff?
Twilight: (dreamily) Oh Harry...your hair is as messy and wonderful as the books described it...
John: twilight!
Twilight: Wha? Oh, right! On with the show!

Another sleepless night for the world's most popular child wizard.

Harry: Really? Another one? Must be my fifth year in this story...
John: wow! you're a natural!
Harry: I'm well known for my sarcasm.
Twilight: Me too! (dreamily) We have so much in common...

It's as if he were being haunted, he thought to himself. Haunted by innumerable faceless entities that thrive on his suffering that plague him and force him away from any slumber whatsoever.

Twilight: And this is strange in the wizarding world because...?

It was driving the young English sorceror to his wits end, and he could not concentrate during class, a behaviour swiftly noticed by one of his primary instructors, Dumbledore.

Twilight: It's spelled "sorcerer".
Harry: Also, Dumbledore was not one of my instructors, he was the headmaster.
Twilight: Before Snape killed him, of course. I loved book six!

"Mister Potter," his teacher quipped, inquisitively. "It has come to my attention that you are having difficulty concentrating in class."

Twilight: That's not how you use the word "quip"! Ugh! Why do so many fanfic writers need spell check!?
Harry: Don't you mean spell check?
(only Twilight laughs)
Twilight: Oh Harry! You're such a crack up!
Harry: I was never very good with puns.

"Rubbish," yawned Harry, teetering precariously where he stood.

John: you're being very convincing, mr. potter. (rolls eyes)

"Sleep deprivation, perchance?" the instructor persisted.

Harry wearily acquiesced.

Twilight:...wearily...what?
Everyone else: *shrugs*

"Yes, sir," he sighed, "Bad dreams."
"Odd," remarked Dumbledore. "Such an occurance seldom happens here at Hogwarts."

John: yeah, nobody ever has nightmares at hogwarts!
Twilight: On a more serious note, Dumbledore is extremely out of character here. Usually he's worried about Harry's nightmares because pretty much all of them mean that someone is about to die horribly, and he always takes them seriously as a result! In book 5, he even tried to weaponize them with Snape's help, which kind of backfired.
Everyone else:...
Harry: How is it that you know more about my story than me?
Twilight: I've read all seven books a total of four hundred and seven times!
(Italy and John scoot away from Twilight, Harry smiles)

"I recommend you take some time off from your studies, else this tiredness takes its toll on you academically. Is that understood, Mister Potter?"
"Yes. Thank you, sir."

Twilight: Yes, because nightmares will give you time off from school. Celestia never did that for me at the School for Gifted Unicorns!

Not that time off would do him any good. The nightmares were omnipresent, and would not relent, even in the daytime.

Italy: That...doesn't even make any sense o_o

To clear his mind, Harry decided to take a broomstick flight outside of the Academy Grounds.

Harry: So I'm so tired that I can barely stand but I think it's a good idea to fly around on my broomstick? I know young me was prone to stupid ideas but come on!
John: is nobody noticing that the world's most famous wizard is leaving school grounds unprotected?

He rocketed over the eastern border and across the murky oceans, but, to utmost horror, his weariness affected his performance of flight, and the broomstick began to shudder violently as his control of it was hindered. He began to plummet. Incidentally, he was too tired to demonstrate fear and let the dull roar of the wind loll him into blissful submission, something he had gone without for almost seventy-two hours. Within no time at all, he was consumed by the icy chill of the waters, and all went dark.

Twilight: Why was he flying in the first place!?

"Hello?" he heard a distant voice call to him. "Young man? Are you alright?"

John: "hi-diddly-ho, neighborino!"

Harry reluctantly resumed consciousness,

Twilight: How do you reluctantly resume consciousness?
Italy: You've clearly never tried to wake me up from a siesta.
John: we probably would if you didn't insist on sleeping naked.

and found himself staring up at the concerned face of a man, presumably in his mid-thirties.

John: with glasses, a moustache and a green sweater.

As Harry was perceptive, he deduced that the man was a muggle, simply from his clothes.

Harry: Yes, because we wizards never wear muggle clothes, we just go around in robes and pointy hats all day. It's not like we'd risk exposing magic to the world or anything!

"Wh-where am I?" he murmured.

"Oh, thank the Lord you're okay!" chuckled the man, retreating slightly to give the young wizard his space. "I was worried you may have frozen out there, on the beach."

Harry: I'm so confused! Did I fall into the ocean or on the beach?

"Who are you?" whispered Harry, becoming more and more awake.

"My name is David," the man replied.

John: dave, if you're reading this, i want to sincerely apologize.

"I, uh - - I didn't want to believe it at first, but I couldn't help but notice you fell out of the sky. Might I ask how you got up there in the first place?"

"I was riding my broomstick," said Harry, matter-of-factly.

Harry: Why on Earth would I say that!?

"Broomstick, eh?" David muttered to himself. "Interesting."

Twilight: Yes, because he doesn't find that strange at all, just interesting.

Harry sat upright and noticed he was wearing a casual attire of denim jeans and a cardigan.

"Where's my robe?" he cried.

John: (as David) where do you think? yeah, that's right, i'm one of those kinda priests!

"Drying by the fire," David replied. "I found some peculiar trinkets inside, you know. Really quite fascinating - - albeit evil."

John: here it comes...
Twilight: Hmmm...

"Evil?" scoffed Harry. "They're essential. A wizard is nothing without his tools, you see."

"A wizard, you say?" mused David. "I had the feeling that may have been the case. You're from that mysterious academy, aren't you?"

Harry: And by "academy" he meant "old abandoned castle that has been condemned".
John: what?
(Harry's about to explain, but Twilight cuts him off.
Twilight: Muggles can't see Hogwarts as a school. It has a spell placed on it to make it look like an abandoned building through their eyes! :D
Harry:...right.

"How do you know about Hogwarts?" whispered Harry, tilting his head quizzically.

"Oh, I've met a young girl who used to be a student there."

"What was her name?"

"Erm, Kate if I remember correctly. She was a highly decorated student there, top of her class she told me. Until one day she achieved a new level of magic, and that's when things started to go awry."

John: oh no...

"What do you mean?" asked Harry.

"She started having dreams of a frightful nature," David remarked.

"Dreams?" wondered Harry aloud, relating the tale to his own situation.

Italy: Yes, because if I'm having nightmares and Russia is having nightmares, then they must mean there's something crazy going on!!

"That's right," David continued, "Dreams of demons and creatures of the satanic variety.

John: UGH! it's here!
Italy: I'm a Catholic and I know this is not gonna end well!
John: hey twilight, do they have religion in equestria?
Twilight: Not really. Some ponies worship Celestia but nobody really sees her as a deity. What about you?
John: i never thought about religion, to be honest. guess it doesn't matter, though, since i'm a god now.
Twilight: What about you, Harry?
Harry: Wizards vary in religion as much as muggles do, at least from what I've seen. I personally don't consider myself all that religious, though.

All of her teachers told her to pay no attention to them,but she had to find out why she was being haunted. So, she snuck away from the academy one night and wound up here, at my cottage. I showed her The Bible, you see...."

"The Bible?" inquired Harry, dubiously.

"That's right," he replied,

"The Christian Bible. And, according to the Scriptures - - ooh, what was that verse? Ah, yes! Deuteronomy 18:10-12. Let no one be found among you who sacrifices his son or daughter in the fire, who practices divination or sorcery, interprets omens, engages in witchcraft, or casts spells, or who is a medium or spiritist or who consults the who does these things is detestable in the eyes of the Lord. "So, don't you see, young man?" David finished.

Harry: If divination is not allowed in the Bible, then why were there prophets?

"What you are practicing is, day by day, devoting your life to the evil one."

John: (as David/Flanders) that's right neighborino! you must cleanse your soul of your evil homosexuality--i mean atheism--i mean metalheadedness--i mean...what was i preaching against again? there are so many perfectly good people that i'm unfairly prejudiced against that its hard to keep track.

"Impossible!" thundered Harry. "Are you suggesting that I have been deceived, and that it is actually the wizards and witches who are in the wrong?"

"You're sharp," remarked David, admirably.

"I refuse to believe it. Regardless of the nightmares I am suffering, I will not lower myself to the level of a lowly muggle!"

(Everyone stares in shock)
Twilight: No. No. No no no no no no no no NO!!!!!! Harry would NEVER say something like that! The villains are the ones who talk like that, not him! GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT!!!!!!!!!
John: woah! twilight, calm down!
Twilight: I won't calm down! They're befouling my favorite book!
Harry: Twilight, please calm down.
Twilight: Okay, Harry! :D
John: thanks.

"So, you're having nightmares, too?"

Harry was silenced.

John: looks like the armor piercing question has been asked.
Italy: Oh this reminds me of that time I walked in on America doing something really embarrassing!
*FLASHBACK*
(America is dancing in the bathroom and singing into a hairbrush)
America: 'CAUSE HE'S BITTERSWEET, HE KNOCKS ME OFF MY FEET AND I CAN'T HELP MYSELF I DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE! HE'S A MYSTERY, HE'S TOO MUCH FOR ME, BUT I KEEP COMIN' BACK FOR MORE! HE'S JUST THE GUY I'M LOOKIN' FOR!!!
Italy: Hey America!
America: AH! H-how much of that did you hear?
Italy: Only all of it.
America: Please don't tell Britain!

*END FLASHBACK*

Harry remained at David's seaside cottage for a week, for the nightmares did not intrude his sleep when he stayed there, for reasons he could not comprehend. David taught him all about Christ, and the ultimate sacrifice He made for the people of the world. And the more Harry heard of it, the more he understood of his wizardry and its evils.

Twilight: I like how the author refuses to SHOW US how all of this happened.

Finally, he conceded, the Bible made too much sense to ignore.

Everyone: BUT WHY!?

"David?" he asked one afternoon.

"Yes, Harry?" replied David, sipping his coffee and reading a newspaper.

"How do I become a Christian?"

Harry: Go back to your aunt and uncle's house, of course.
Twilight: Wait...Mr. and Mrs. Dursley are Christians!?
John: i...i think you found something that twilight didn't know about your books...
Twilight: (frantically looks through a copy of Harry Potter and the Philosepher's Stone) Where in Equestria did they say that!?

"I was praying that you'd ask me that before you left," smiled David, proudly. "Come, let me show you."

John: because praying apparently solves everything!

David advised Harry to pray a simple prayer, and that night, the confused and reluctant wizard knelt beside his bed and repeated the words softly.

John: see!

"Lord," he began, "I come to you tonight to request your forgiveness, for I have so blindly devoted my life to the evils of the spirit world. I have given my very essence to the enemy of man, and taken joy in it as well. I am a sinner, Lord, and without your forgiveness, I am doomed to die and face the eternal trials of the netherworld, all because of my practicing of foul and wicked arts. Please, Lord. Please forgive me of my sins and welcome me into your loving kingdom. In your name I pray...Amen."

Harry opened his eyes and noticed that tears were streaming from them.

For the first time in his life, he felt loved, and accepted, and....pure.

Harry: Apparently, this version of me never met the Weasleys.

He had been relieved of the wickedness that plagued him since the day he was born and he wept, both out of joy, and sorrow for all of his friends that remained blind to the real truth, indulging in the ultimate evil back at Hogwarts, convinced that their dark arts made them superior beings.

Twilight: So you're evil because you make things levitate and morph things into animals? Makes sense to me!

He wept all night long because of this.

Harry: Did Rita Skeeter write this?
Twilight: I GET IT!

"David?" he asked the following morning, as he stood at the front door holding a backpack.

"Yes, Harry?" replied David.

"Will I ever be fully rid of the evils of my past?"

Everyone: WHAT EVILS!?

"The demons that you once embezzled will still try and recapture you, Harry," David admitted. "But if God is for you, then who can be against you?

Harry: Lord Voldemort, his followers, Dolores Umbridge, Cornelius Fudge, the Dementors, most of the Malfoy family, I could go on...
Twilight: I WILL!
John: (stuffs some pasta in her mouth) No you won't.

Go, and spread the word. You have always been in a position of power, Harry Potter. Now it's time you used it for good."

Musing over the profound and genuine words of his life-altering friend, Harry turned and began to trek away, not knowing where he would go or what he would do.

But with the Lord Jesus Christ by his side, he knew that things were going to be okay.

Harry: And then Voldemort took over the world and killed everyone.

-End-

Twilight: Well that was really bad! But it was alleviated because I got to meet Harry Potter! <3
Harry: Aww, that's really sweet!
John: blarg!
(Twilight shoots a glare at him)
John: anyway, the story was WAY too preachy for my tastes!
Italy: It gets worse! The author actually commented on his own story!
Twilight: What?
Italy: It's right here! He called it a "masterpiece worthy of Christ's blessing"!
Twilight: Oh sweet suffering Celestia, you can't be serious!
Italy: No it's true! Look!
(everyone looks)
Harry: Oh man, just when you thought the story couldn't get worse!
(the author walks in)
CJ Croen: Hey guys, how'd you like the guest riffer?
Twilight: (dreamily) He's amazing...
John: he picked up on riffing pretty quickly, and he's a lot of fun to talk to!
Italy: Yeah!
CJ: Well that's great. Because Harry and I talked just before the riff started, and I offered him the chance to be a permanent cast member! And you know what he said?
Twilight:...Oh my gosh... don't tell me...
Harry: I said "yes"!
(John and Italy cover their ears)
Twilight: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS THE SINGLE GREATEST DAY IN THE HISTORY OF FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CJ: I told you she'd take the news well...
Harry: (cupping a hand over his ear) WHAT?

-----------------------------------------
(Elsewhere...)

???: My lady, the last member has been discovered. Shall we take action?
???: Not yet, my friend. Let's have some fun with them for a little while...let's watch them be broken by those bad fanfictions...
???: Yes my lady.

To be continued...