//I leap over a twisting root in my way and continue running. The smoke rising behind me, from the forest fire I accidentally started, is illuminated by the full moon.
Spike: Dangit dangit dangit dangit dangit I'm a bad person.
//Even with magic it might be weeks before they get the fires under control. Loggers, farmers, hunters, trappers, hermits and many others are going to lose their homes and livelihoods; ponies throughout the valley are going to have respiratory problems and maybe even lose their lives; waterways for miles around are going to be poisoned by ash...
Spike: Someone needs to be told; where's Twilight?
//Not to mention the exodus of refugees will put pressure for employment and land on the surrounding areas, creating more tension and worsening dragon/pony relations... what kind of Hero does a thing like this?
//A voice floats out, a strained whisper from a tree just ahead:
Strained Whisper: Help! Is someone there?!
//I stop in my tracks. Is someone trapped just beyond that tree?
Spike: ...
Strained Whisper: I'm trapped! Please!
//Trap or not, I have a responsibility to help in case someone is really in trouble!
\\Otherwise they would be trapped in the forest fire you started.
//Don't remind me.
//A large pegasus in a dark suit is pinned to the opposite side of this tree. As I step on a twig, she strains to turn her head, but can't see me.
SW: Who's there? Get me down from here! That's an order!
//It might be best to make sure this mare is working for strange goons spotted in Longbridge...
Spike: But, commander, I've seen terrible things that should not be! Painted corpses walking around like people, and an abomination half pony, half plant!
SW: The painted corpses are our fakes, you moron! Think! We're digging up the remains of ponies and dragons centuries old; why would they be anything but bones and teeth?!
Spike: And the plant monstrosity?
SW: That got loose? Osto is really going to have my head for this one...
//I step out in front of the tree. The pegasus is stuck to the tree with clear sticky fiber ropes, clinging all over one wing and both back legs. She is facing into the tree and sees me.
Spike: In the interest of full disclosure, I don't work for you.
SW: ...If we had a drakeling I highly doubt we'd be in the flank end of nowhere digging up dry bones. A little help?
Spike: I'm a bit disinclined to help you out, considering you are digging up entire graveyards and creating monstrosities that try to kill people.
SW: Okay, full disclosure? The monstrosities are Osto's pet project. We have nothing to do with them.
//If some accursed pony keeps making things that could bring terror to the whole Valley, it's my duty as a Hero to stop her!
Spike: Who is this Osto you keep talking about?
SW: My boss. My ex-boss, that is; when I get stuck in one of her monstrosity's traps is the point where continued employment is not in my best interest; I'm out of here as soon as you cut me loose. So, you know, if you don't mind.
Spike: Sorry, but I don't have any assurance you would tell me what I need to know after I cut you down.
SW: Then ask away. Quickly, I don't plan on being some freak's lunch.
Spike: What are you trying to do in the Valley?
SW: Me? Leave it. Them? The plan was to slip in the Valley, keep the dumb folk from asking questions with coin, and take back all the coin as soon as our army had risen. Then, you know, take over the world.
Spike: Your army?
SW: Along the way, Osto was supposed to learn how to raise the dead to walk Equestria again. That's our current stumbling block. She hasn't yet.
//The Valley is filled with military graveyards; all of the buried ponies and other creatures were legendary in combat prowess and bravery. If this Osto can really raise such an army of the dead... no one could stop her.
Spike: What's Osto's full name? Where is she now?
SW: Osto Bacchus. She should be in the Top Hill Cemetery. It's--
Spike: I think I can figure out where it is.
//Osto Bacchus. Is she going to be introduced as 'Ornery Bint'? 'Old Babbler'? 'Orange Biscuit'? I can't think of anything.
Spike: How does Osto get enough coin to pay you, and pay off the people in the Valley?
//The mare tries to shrug, but her trapped wing prevents her from it.
SW: A tall pony with dark fur appears every few days, and gives her a big sack of bits. Says it's for 'uncovering the secrets of death'. That's all I know, now cut me down!
//Uh... with what?
//I look at my claws. They are not nearly sharp enough to cut something.
Spike: Do you have a sword on you, or a knife, something...?
SW: Tell me you're not an adventurer without a sharp object.
Spike: I suppose I could bite a gem into a sharp edge, but I'm not sure if I want to use a gem like that...
//All I have left are red grossulars.
SW: Celestia's wings, I'm not about to be stuck here because the world's least competent adventurer arrived on my doorstep instead of anyone else.
Spike: This fiber, do you know if it's flammable?
//At my words, she struggles harder.
SW: This isn't fiber, it's webbing.
Spike: Webbing?!
//The strands are about as thick as my index finger, and deceptively sticky. I don't want to think about the spider that spun this...
SW: Yeah, and I plan on being more than lunch. Could you find, I don't know, _anything_?
//I look around my feet for a few seconds, not stepping on any of the strands hidden underneath leaves, and find a small sharp rock.
Spike: I might have to pull a few feathers out to free the wing.
SW: Before you arrived I was preparing to bite my own wings off, so I've already come to terms with the idea.
Spike: Well, here goes--
SW: Yow!
Spike: Quiet, the spider might hear us.
SW: Spiders don't hear, they sense things on their web using vibrations.
//I fall silent for a while, not wanting to attract the spider's attention.
SW: Is my wing free yet?
Spike: Why would it be? I haven't started yet.
SW: What?!
//The pegasus struggles in the webbing -- or would, if all of it weren't cut and removed by now. She falls backwards.

The Pegasus stands up.

SW: 'Swings, what did I do to deserve that?
Spike: Graverobbing.
//He says bluntly, being a total badass.
\\Childish pranks are not the domain of badasses.
SW: That period of my life is over now.
//Does this mean I helped reform an evildoer? Or is this more due to dangerous work conditions and a hostile environment?
SW: Because right now, I'm going to get my own little drakeling to do as I please with.
//Celestia's wings, just one time?! Please?!

[[SAVE LOCATION]]

SW: I will be forever known as The Immortal--

The flying thick strand of webbing strikes The Pegasus in the snout, adhering to it firmly!
The flying thick strand of webbing strikes The Pegasus in the mouth, adhering to it firmly!
The Pegasus is propelled away by the force of the blow!
The Pegasus's right rear leg skids along the ground, bruising the muscle!
The Pegasus slams into The Tree!

//SHITTING SHIT WHAT
The Drakeling leaps backwards!
//That came out of left nowhere!

SW: Mmmhh, mmhmhm... mmhmmhm! MMMMM-MMMM-MMMMMMMMMM!!
//The mare tears at the webbing covering her mouth desperately. She can't breathe.
//I look around, holding my breath, and see nothing.
//She continues to screech, trying to scrape her head against a root, facing me. Her eyes are wide open, and the webbing is still there. The mare tries to dig her front hooves at it, but can't get an angle to pierce the suffocating web. Then, for a moment, our eyes meet.

The flying thick strand of webbing strikes The Pegasus in the right rear leg, adhering to it firmly! The webbing adheres to the ground!
The flying thick strand of webbing strikes The Pegasus in the left rear leg, adhering to it firmly! The webbing adheres to the ground!
The Pegasus is caught up in the web!
The Pegasus falls over!

//Those came from a completely different angle! What sort of spider has that speed and accuracy?
//The pegasus starts to beat her wings and dig at the ground with her front hooves, but her back legs are completely covered in sticky silk.

//Only by moonlit smoke in the distance can I make out a blurry shape in the trees, is that--
The Mess of Limbs drops out of the trees!
The Mess of Limbs slams into The Pegasus! The Mess of Limbs grabs The Pegasus by the neck with her left first leg!
//The Pegasus screams as loud as she can through the web and struggles.

//THAT IS MORE LEGS THAN I WANT TO FUCK WITH RIGHT NOW; ACTIVATE PISS-SELF COWARD MODE
The Drakeling leaps backwards, away from The Mess of Limbs! The Drakeling begins to run!

The Mess of Limbs bites The Pegasus in the upper body, tearing the muscle!
Strange venom is injected into The Pegasus's blood!
The Mess of Limbs latches on firmly!
The Pegasus struggles in vain against the grip of the sticky silk on The Pegasus's left rear leg! The Pegasus struggles in vain against the grip of the sticky silk on The Pegasus's right rear leg!

The Drakeling continues to run!

The Mess of Limbs shakes The Pegasus around by the upper body, tearing apart the upper body's muscle!
Strange venom is injected into The Pegasus's blood!

The Drakeling continues to run!

The Mess of Limbs retains the grip of The Mess of Limbs's mouth on The Pegasus's upper body.
Strange venom is injected into The Pegasus's blood!

The Drakeling continues to run!

The Mess of Limbs retains the grip of The Mess of Limbs's mouth on The Pegasus's upper body.
Strange venom is injected into The Pegasus's blood!

The Drakeling continues to run!

The Mess of Limbs retains the grip of The Mess of Limbs's mouth on The Pegasus's upper body.
Soupy liquid is extracted from The Pegasus's blood!

The Drakeling continues to run!

The Mess of Limbs retains the grip of The Mess of Limbs's mouth on The Pegasus's upper body.
Soupy liquid is extracted from The Pegasus's blood!

The Drakeling continues to run!

The Mess of Limbs retains the grip of The Mess of Limbs's mouth on The Pegasus's upper body.
Soupy liquid is extracted from The Pegasus's blood!

The Drakeling continues to run!

The Mess of Limbs releases the grip of The Mess of Limbs's mouth on The Pegasus's upper body.

The Drakeling continues to run!

The Mess of Limbs climbs back into the trees.

The Drakeling continues to run!

The Drakeling continues to run!

The Drakeling continues to run!

The Drakeling continues to run!

The Drakeling continues to run!

The Drakeling stops running.

The Pegasus was defeated!
Spike gained 250 experience points!

[[SAVE LOCATION]]

//I lean against a tree in this small clearing. There have been no sounds or sights for a while but the silent nighttime of the forest -- but that thing came out of nowhere without any warning, so I'm not taking any chances.
//I turn over a few leaves. None of them are stuck to strands of webbing on the ground.
Spike: (...Twilight?)
//Silence.
Spike: (Great. I can't tell if you're still gone or if you're just hiding because I'm still in danger.)
//Looking up past the trees into the night sky... hey, wasn't the moon supposed to be over there?
Spike: (Crap. Well, if you are listening, it looks like I got turned around and mixed up.)
//I walk out into the middle of the clearing. Smoke rises from that way, obscuring the stars, and the moon's that way, but it might have been some time and how far does a moon move every hour? I wish I knew the constellations.
Spike: (I might have done a not-so-Heroic thing, by the way. There was a pony who needed my help and I ran away for my own life. Does it count less if the pony who needed help was evil, and going to violate me anyway? I'm not sure how I feel about the argument that evil should be done unto evil, but I'm also not sure if saving an evil pony's life at the cost of my own is what's best for everyone... no matter what, that spider thing was horrific, and a terrible way to die.)
//There, that's east. It was towards that peak that looked like a witch's nose. I start walking.
Spike: (Heh, maybe I shouldn't be so judgmental. Maybe that thing was doing a good deed, saving a helpless innocent from a dangerous criminal. Just like a jerk, then, to run away from a truer Hero because it looked ugly and odd. Who knows; we could have teamed up.)
//Probably would have been a better partner than Pitaya.
Spike: (I should stop talking so much; you're likely not there and I should stay on my--)

The Drakeling jumps away from the flying thick strand of webbing!
The Drakeling jumps away from the flying thick strand of webbing!
The Drakeling strikes The Tree with his Dashing Rogue Punch, shattering the bark!
//Oh, whoops, sorry Mr. Tree.

Mess of Limbs: If it makes your conscience feel any better, I am not a good person.

//The voice comes opposite the direction of the webs. A ventriloquist of some sort?

Spike: We'll just have to agree to disagree on morality, then, and I'll go on my merry way...
ML: No. You tried to steal my food.

The Drakeling jumps away from the flying thick strand of webbing!
The Drakeling jumps away from the flying thick strand of webbing!

//I spin around a few times, not spotting the Mess of Limbs, and speak back into the woods:
Spike: It just wouldn't be life if I weren't punished for doing the right thing.
ML: Slippery. Try this.

The Drakeling jumps away from the flying thin line of webbing!
The flying thin line of webbing strikes The Drakeling in the left upper arm, adhering to it firmly! The webbing adheres to the ground!

//My entire arm is glued to a root by this silk!
Spike: How much of this stuff do you have?!
ML: Enough to drown you.
Spike: That's a pleasant image; do you have any other function in life other than being horrifying?

The Drakeling strikes The Root with his Fist of Justice, and the severed part flies off in an arc!
The Drakeling breaks the grip of the sticky silk on The Drakeling's left upper arm!

Spike: I'm so sorry, Mr. Tree, today is not your day for me not destroying you. Will you take an I.O.U., or do you have insurance?
ML: Strong. But that will not happen if we remove the leverage.

The flying thick strand of webbing strikes The Drakeling in the right upper leg, adhering to it firmly! The webbing adheres to The Tree!
The flying thick strand of webbing strikes The Drakeling in the lower body, adhering to it firmly! The webbing adheres to The Tree!
The flying thick strand of webbing strikes The Drakeling in the upper body, adhering to it firmly! The webbing adheres to The Tree!

Spike: Everyone takes the 'other means of payment' option nowadays, it's such a hassle...
ML: Your defeat is coming.
Spike: But not imminent.

The Drakeling breathes fire! The sticky silk is caught in the dragonfire! The sticky silk has been set aflame!

ML: Rrrrrm... drakeling. Has many talents and abilities.
Spike: You know, you're the first person to notice, everyone else keeps on focusing on one certain thing...
ML: Need to discover how to defeat.
//I pick at the silk as it shrinks away in the heat.
Spike: I have many talents and abilities, which means your single trick with the webbing is never going to work.
ML: Better to know one tactic well than many nominally. As demonstrated.

The flying thick strand of webbing strikes The Drakeling in the head, adhering to it firmly! The webbing adheres to The Tree!
//Gah, my face! I use that to be pretty with!

Spike: Great, I think you ruined my helmet. After I break out of this web and defeat you I can't even get it off the tree without burning it down.
//Which might happen anyway.
ML: Sorry. Will try to be more considerate with these.

The flying thick strand of webbing strikes The Drakeling in the neck, adhering to it firmly! The webbing adheres to The Tree!
The flying thick strand of webbing strikes The Drakeling in the right hand, adhering to it firmly! The webbing adheres to The Tree!
The flying thick strand of webbing strikes The Drakeling in the left hand, adhering to it firmly! The webbing adheres to The Tree!
The flying thick strand of webbing strikes The Drakeling in the right foot, adhering to it firmly! The webbing adheres to The Tree!
The flying thick strand of webbing strikes The Drakeling in the left foot, adhering to it firmly! The webbing adheres to The Tree!

//I'm completely stuck to the tree, from head to toe! I can't move anything important!
ML: Can't use dragonfire. Can't use strong hands. Can't use quick legs. Cannot in any way defeat me as I stand here, unhidden. One trick.
Spike: 'Swings, brag more, please.
//The Mess of Limbs stands in front of Mr. Tree, away from where my head is pointing, looking at me with an unfriendly smile. Out of the corner of my eye, she looks like a pony...
Spike: I'm sorry, but are those extra limbs _sewn on_?
//She looks at the four legs sewn symmetrically onto her torso, placed between her normal legs. She raises them, like a spider would raise its front legs.
ML: Working. The most surprising part.
Spike: I think the most surprising part is that they found a spinneret that big to attach.
//A black spinneret with white markings sticks out from behind the augmented pony where a tail would normally be. It hangs behind the Mess of Limbs as she slowly walks towards me.
Spike: And I suppose this is the part where you gloat over your victory, I break free at the last moment and defeat you, so on so forth. How about we call a mulligan, you release me and we both go our merry ways? You'd be better off that way.
ML: No. Securing my victory.
//With her spinneret, she exudes thick, warm sheets of sticky silk all over my torso, legs, and arms, completely trapping me. It smells like wood, in a good way.
//WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT YOU MORON
Spike: Do I at least get to know the name of the fell creature who's going to kill me, or is this an anonymous imprisonment-murder?
ML: Kill? Molly would not kill a drakeling. You are more valuable as trade goods; besides, already ate.
Spike: That pegasus? Celestia, that was fast.
//I wish I could be more frightened or angry here, but... I'm kind of just screwed. Honestly, hearing that I'll be traded to another creature for whatever use is good news right now.
ML: Yes. One fang's poison turns internal organs to mush, other paralyzes. Must remember to use the correct one.
Spike: Oh hah hah! Yes that would be most appreciated, thank you!
ML: That sarcasm will be easily fixed by a little spiderbite.
//I wonder if Mr. Tree counts as part of the earth. He is damaged, so I really should be taking him up on my shoulders...

The Drakeling breathes in and focuses, casting Terrae Corpus! The Drakeling's scales become as hard as rock!

The Mess of Limbs bites The Drakeling in the neck, denting the scale!
Strange poison leaks out of The Mess of Limbs's fang!

//I can feel her hot breath on the back of my neck, under the scales. I desperately wish I could scratch the itch.
ML: Should be working now.
Spike: Oh, yes, if I weren't already completely immobilized I certainly would be now.
ML: Rrrrrm... you sure?
//The poison runs down my back over the scales, sinking into the treebark.
Spike: Yes.

The Mess of Limbs bites The Drakeling in the upper body, denting the scale!
Strange poison leaks out of The Mess of Limbs's fang!

Spike: What, you don't trust me?
ML: Your scales are hard.
Spike: I swear, it's just a physical reaction.
ML: Another... You have very many tricks, drakeling.

The Mess of Limbs bites The Drakeling in the right hand, denting the scale!
Strange poison leaks out of The Mess of Limbs's fang!

Spike: You know, if you pry off the scales, they would probably go well with some cheese dip at my funeral.
ML: Not going to eat you.
Spike: You're trying your damnedest. And failing, mind youthbth--

The Mess of Limbs bites The Drakeling in the lower lip, tearing apart the skin!
Nothing dribbles out of The Mess of Limbs's fang!

Spike: In my mouth, blach!
//I try to spit out any poison that shot in my mouth. Of all the indignities...
ML: Empty. Rrrrrm.
Spike: Would you stop making that sound?!
ML: Meaningless. More than one way to defeat a drakeling.
//What happened? Are there no longer cats with skin?
Spike: Great, this again.

The Mess of Limbs grabs The Drakeling by the neck with her left first leg!
The Mess of Limbs grabs The Drakeling by the right upper arm with her left second leg!
The Mess of Limbs grabs The Drakeling by the upper body with her left third leg!
The Mess of Limbs grabs The Drakeling by the right lower leg with her left fourth leg!
The Mess of Limbs grabs The Drakeling by the left upper arm with her right first leg!
The Mess of Limbs grabs The Drakeling by the upper body with her right second leg!
The Mess of Limbs grabs The Drakeling by the lower body with her right third leg!

The Mess of Limbs grabs The Drakeling by the waist with her spinneret!

Spike: Trust me, I'm not attracted to freaks.
ML: You cannot deny mechanical nature. Chemistry changes thought, instinct triggers chemistry, muscle action arouses instinct...

The Mess of Limbs assaults The Drakeling with her spinneret! The Mess of Limbs prepares to lower The Drakeling's resistance!

Spike: Hwoo--
ML: Aha. Not what you were expecting?
Spike: I wasn't expecting you to use my stomach as a hoof repository...

The Mess of Limbs releases the grip of The Mess of Limbs's right third leg on The Drakeling's lower body.
The Mess of Limbs grabs The Drakeling by the left upper leg with her right third leg!

//The pressure on my leg causes me to shudder and squirm.
Spike: Gah! What was that?!
ML: Mechanical nature. Poking the brain causes creatures to think differently. Why should anywhere else not be the same?

The Mess of Limbs assaults The Drakeling with her spinneret! The Drakeling's resistance is lowered!

Spike: Ugh...
//Is this what Celestia and Twilight warned me about? I've no love for the mess of limbs in front of me, yet it's impossible to hold on forever...
ML: Surrendering?
Spike: Hey, assuming I make it out of here--
ML: Not going to happen.
Spike: What was your name again?
ML: Molly.
Spike: Humor me, Molly. Assuming I make it out of here, the graveyard furthest east is Top Hill Cemetery, right?
ML: Yes.
Spike: And I'll find Osto Bacchus there?
ML: Possibly; Top Hill is the center of operations.
Spike: So, my attempted Heroic plan should have been: find my way to Top Hill Cemetery, smash the operations and defeat Osto Bacchus?
ML: Your Heroic plan should have been to volunteer at a soup kitchen, not hang out around graveyards at night looking for trouble.

The Mess of Limbs assaults The Drakeling with her spinneret! The Drakeling's resistance is lowered further!

Spike: Gnnckh... what is the difference between a graveyard and a cemetery, anyway?
ML: Why ask me?
Spike: I don't know, maybe the _body parts sewn on_ indicate you might have spent some time in one.
ML: Cemeteries are attached to a building of some significance, lending more meaning to the burial.
Spike: Top Hill is attached to a temple of some kind?
ML: There are catacombs underneath it. Served as haven for snake demon worshipers until third century in Celestia's rule.
Spike: Not that I'm complaining about the absence of snake demon worshipers, but what happened to them?
ML: Equestrian official declared worship of any deity but Celestia illegal, had them all slaughtered.

The Mess of Limbs assaults The Drakeling with her spinneret! The Drakeling's resistance is at a minimum!

Spike: Ho, please, no, don't...
ML: Can't believe it. You're going to ejaculate listening to me describe historical atrocities. Have you no shame?
Spike: Just tell me that the organization there now aren't snake demon worshipers; I've had enough of those guys...
ML: Nope. A bootstrap team, less than two dozen actually. Osto the only competent among them. Created me; has to have some skill.
Spike: Oh, yes, I'll be sure to thank her when I see her by shoving my foot up--
//I go into a coughing fit, spewing mucus on the mess of limbs's back. She pauses for half a moment, and looks at me.
//...Does the air taste like smoke?
ML: You. You seem warm.
Spike: I'm sure it has nothing to do with being bound tightly and assaulted by a massive freak.
//She stops moving her spinneret completely.
ML: No... something is wrong.

The Mess of Limbs releases the grip of The Mess of Limbs's spinneret on The Drakeling's waist.

//She looks up into the sky, squeezing her eyes tight.
Spike: Yeah, uh, full disclosure... you, _might_ want to move any flammable objects you own to another biome.

The Mess of Limbs releases the grip of The Mess of Limbs's left first leg on The Drakeling's neck.
The Mess of Limbs releases the grip of The Mess of Limbs's left second leg on The Drakeling's right upper arm.
The Mess of Limbs releases the grip of The Mess of Limbs's left third leg on The Drakeling's upper body.
The Mess of Limbs releases the grip of The Mess of Limbs's left fourth leg on The Drakeling's right lower leg.
The Mess of Limbs releases the grip of The Mess of Limbs's right first leg on The Drakeling's left upper arm.
The Mess of Limbs releases the grip of The Mess of Limbs's right second leg on The Drakeling's upper body.
The Mess of Limbs releases the grip of The Mess of Limbs's right third leg on The Drakeling's left upper leg.

The Mess of Limbs leaps backwards, away from The Drakeling!

ML: You started a _forest fire_?!
Spike: It was an accident!
ML: You stupid, stupid -- stupid!!

The Mess of Limbs begins to run! The Mess of Limbs climbs back into the trees!

Spike: Hey!
//No response.
Spike: Hey, you crazy eight legged bint! At least have the courtesy to get me down from here!
//Molly is too far away to hear me now.
Spike: I understand the abomination violating me, but _this_ is just plain _rude_.

The Mess of Limbs was defeated!
Spike gained 3000 experience points!
Spike is now level 16!

[[SAVE LOCATION]]

Spike: Great. Twilight?
//Silence.
Spike: Still not there.
//I look around, hoping desperately.
Spike: Anyone? Is anyone there?
//HI SPIKE
Spike: No, screw you! Is anyone who can help me there?
//MOST OF THE TIME YOUR HIDEOUS HIDE IS SO FAR BEYOND HELP YOU MAY AS WELL HAVE DUG A HOLE AS DEEP AS MY HATRED FOR YOU AND THROWN HELP IN.
Spike: You're not swearing as much, is something wrong?
//FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU
Spike: Point taken. How am I going to get out of this one?
//WAIT FOR THE TREE TO BURN TO THE GROUND; WERE YOU SO EXCITED AT THE PROSPECT OF FINALLY NOT HAVING TO DEAL WITH THE CRIPPLING BURDEN OF INDIVIDUAL THOUGHT AND FREEDOM THAT YOU FORGOT YOUR PUKESTAINED SCALES ARE IMMUNE TO FIRE?
Spike: Pukestained scales.
//YOU TRIED TO EAT A FISTFUL OF GROSSULARS ALL AT ONCE; I MEAN, WHAT THE FUCK. WHY DID YOU THINK THAT WOULD WORK OUT ANY OTHER WAY.
Spike: You should try new things sometimes, I guess?
//YOU SHOULD TRY BEING INTELLIGENT.
Spike: Oh, I'm sorry, did you want to play Hero for a while? Try defeating enemies leagues more powerful than you and get absolutely no reward for it?
//FUCK YES LET'S DO THIS PUT ME AT THE REINS!
Spike: No. I know you think I'm a moron but I'm not that much of one.
//I'M NOT THE ONE WHO WAS SHITTING MYSELF RELIEVED AT THE PROSPECT OF BEING SOLD INTO FUCK-SLAVERY. AT LEAST REAL HEROES HELP GRANNY ACROSS THE STREET EVERY DAMNED ONCE IN A WHILE; YOU LEAVE THE OLD CUNT STRANDED IN THE MIDDLE OF ONCOMING TRAFFIC. WHICH IS A METAPHOR FOR HOW YOU CONSTANTLY DISAPPOINT EVERYONE AROUND YOU AND EVERYONE YOU EVER KNEW, AND WHO EVER KNEW YOU. ARE YOU EVER NOT A FAILURE?
Spike: Can I at least hope that Mr. Tree burns down in such a way that it falls on me and I don't have to listen to you in peace, please?
//THEN THAT WILL MAKE TWO OF US.

//The forest fire catches up to me in about a minute, and the silk melts away long before the tree comes crashing down. I put my helmet back on, adjust my armor, and continue east through the flames.