???: Two ideas underlie everything we know, and I've proven they're both more worthless than horseshit.
//A pony in a full black robe stands at the bottom of Top Hill. Stacks of gravestones, moved from their original positions, lay sprinkled around the area; great holes are dug six feet into the ground often enough to make walking a hazard. Several ponies in suits disassemble machinery, infernal and smoking and filled with various acids, around the one whose face is hidden in shadow.
???: The discovery of agriculture is civilization's catalyst, because it gives us time to think. And what does the average asshole think is the most important thing in the world? Herself, of course. So the first social ideas were barbarically simplistic: You look like me. Or you are enemy.
//Is she talking to herself?
???: As our thoughts progressed, theory of mind emerged. Its basic tenets are bred into all intelligent creatures: I have a consciousness. You look like me. Therefore, it is a good guess you have a consciousness. Physical symmetry leads to mental symmetry, and in general people can be grouped. This leads to the masturbation which we call 'society'.
//I really should be moving on. It's obvious Osto Bacchus isn't here, just a bad philosopher.
???: Empathy is a biological effect. The ability to think about the minds of others is a successful evolutionary tool. And when cracked open and examined, brains look damn similar -- pony brain or dragon brain or any other brain, standard species brain leads to standard species behavior. Therefore, consciousness had a purely physical base. If you didn't listen to Hecate.
//Why did she switch to past tense?
//Two ponies carry a long, slender box forward. They leave it beside the speaker on the ground.
???: A soul was stupid shit. Garbage of the highest caliber. I am a _scientist_ above all else, and anything which is not inherently testable -- that which can not be proven wrong or right -- is nonexistent. This idea, that flesh is as a vessel for ethereal water, was poison on the minds of the wise...
//A grinding of teeth comes from under the dark hood.
???: And because the universe delights in stupid bullshit, it's also absolutely true.
//No one's paying attention to this, why am I?
???: The mark on her end... I thought it was the Rod of Asclopius, the healing staff. When she gave it to me, I thought this was the oddest kind of remedy the world had ever seen. Instead, it was an empowerment, a movement in a dimension wherein earlier I had been still... Like avoiding the oncoming brick wall by unfolding wings.
//Or, you know, slowing down. That's an option.
???: The soul can be summoned. Impossibility is true. By principle of explosion, all rigorous thought crumbles. The electrochemical structure of the brain gives rise to behavioral patterns, behavioral patterns which we use to imply the presence of a mind, and when the electrochemical structure is impresent so should be the mind. But it is not. The soul is related to the mind, yet survives beyond death. ...In the end, I am still a scientist. I cannot deny what I have seen with my very own eyes.
//One of the movers pipes up after breaking down a gear assembly:
Tired Mover: Oh, Boss? Which coffin did you want us to bring back out?
???: I should have known it was serious when she started making requests.
//The robed pony hangs her (his? its?) head. The tired mover speaks again:
TM: Boss?
Oh Boss: The coffin of Sizmig Gloric. It should have an axe on it.
//The mover shuffles off, up the hill.
OB: And, of course, death as a logical consequence falls apart once a soul is extant. That's barely worth any thought at all; throw fucking magic at it until you bring people back to life. Had Domariv not been stolen from me, the progress towards this point would have been quicker... but this was an inevitability. I will succeed.
//Domariv? What does any of this have to do with Domariv? None of what she's saying makes any sense at all!
//The coffin of Sizmig Gloric, a red axe in velvet sewn onto the front, is placed in front of the speaking Boss, on a slab of stone.
OB: The ubiquity of death is the other idea which underlies civilization. I will disprove that today.
TM: Osto Bacchus, all the machinery and important coffins are inside. We're ready to begin.
Osto Bacchus: A soul is magic. And magic follows rules. The greatest rule of magic is that it must obey its master.
//Osto Bacchus kicks open the thin box, and levitates out of it a thin staff, the length of a pony. A dead snake is nailed into the top and...
\\Oh, _Celestia_, is that thing still _alive_?!

Osto Bacchus waves her staff, evoking a spell!
A blue miasma begins to rise from the coffin, into the sky!
//A strange wave radiates out on the air, not moving the air itself but riding on top of it... it smells like mint.

OB: After countless attempts, after miserable failure and the gloom of ignorance, I know I've finally succeeded. This _has_ to be it, it has to...
//Osto Bacchus, covered in a black robe completely, leans forward towards the coffin, straining to listen. She falls silent.
Slate Hauler: Er, Bo--

OB: Shut up!
Osto Bacchus strikes The Slate Hauler in the throat with her +wooden staff+, bruising the skin!
Slate Hauler: Tchkk--hhhhcccch--ghh...

//Osto Bacchus stares intently at the coffin as the peon clutches at his throat and slowly collapses. She pays him no mind.
OB: Tapping, I was expecting a tapping...
Voice(?): Mmm.
//Surprised by the voice, Osto Bacchus stumbles backwards!
//In the next moment, she regains her composure, and with her horn shines bright light through the mist!
\\Wow, her face is really pale--
//A figure forms in the mist!

Sizable Gentlestallion: Nnn-mmrg-gmmm.
OB: ...Damnit. Damnit damnit damnit.
//The figure is a sizable stallion, with an old army coat on and the handle of a greataxe clenched in his teeth. The blue mist that constitutes him stops rising from the coffin and swirls in place.
SG: Rrrr-mmmgn?
OB: No, I don't want to hear it from you; shut the hell up.
SG: Bmmmm-gnn-nnn--
OB: For fuck's sake, take that fucking axe out of your fucking mouth before I shove it up your ass and twist it, Gloric!
//With no small amount of disdain, the mist pony puts the axe on his back and upturns his nose.
SG: It seems as though whatever you were trying to do has failed. Given your manners and demeanor, I say 'for the best'.
OB: Stick your head in a beehive, Gloric.
//The misty shadow of Sizmig Gloric rolls his eyes, stepping down from the coffin, and wanders off into the woods wordlessly.
OB: Wh-- hey! _Get back here you fuck, I have experiments to run on you_!
//A few moments pass as Osto Bacchus stares into the woods. A careful peon tiptoes his way up to Bacchus's side and asks:
Tired Mover: Uh, Boss? Did it work?
//For some time, Bacchus stays silent. The only sounds that can be heard in the forest night, since the birds have fled from the oncoming fire, are the grunts of goons moving more equipment into the catacombs.
OB: ...Yes. It worked exactly as I expected.
TM: But you can't control him, so--
OB: _Wrong_, Tim. I can control him. I suspect right now he's finding a wasp's nest to stick over his head.
TM: ...Orders, ma'am?
OB: Start distributing the scrolls. Let this valley know how fare the dead.
TM: Yes, ma'am.
OB: Success...
//Osto Bacchus turns back around, snake/staff by her side. I'm not surprised it's still trying to bite her... even a snake knows evil when it sees it.
OB: We shall show them the terror that is their end, and show them where the journey leads... none can stop us, for we are death. My army will prevail by its very nature. This Valley, this country, this world... I'll see every living thing in it be mine, dead, or both!
//OKAY I'M NOT SURE IF YOU'RE WAITING FOR A FUCKING INVITATION OR WHAT BUT IT SEEMS PRETTY CLEAR THAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO JUMP IN AND SMASH NOW.
//Well, I suppose there's no better time than the present!

[[SAVE LOCATION]]

The Drakeling leaps forward, towards Osto Bacchus!
Spike: Osto Bacchus!

Osto Bacchus points at The Drakeling and casts Spell Blast!
The Drakeling dodges away from the flying Spell Blast!
The flying Spell Blast strikes the tree in the trunk, and the severed part flies off in an arc!
//The snake struggles against the nail through its neck and hisses.

Osto Bacchus: Yeah?! What?!
//Is this how she starts all her conversations?
Spike: You're trying to revive ponies long dead, so you can enslave them!
OB: Really? I had no idea, I'll stop right away. Can someone kill this moron?!
TM: Boss, we're still moving stuff into the underground, I don't know if anyone's free right--
Osto Bacchus strikes The Tired Mover in the throat with her +wooden staff+, tearing the skin!
TM: Kkkkykch--
OB: Surrounded by assholes... I'll take care of you myself!

The Snake bites The Tired Mover in the left cheek, tearing the skin and tearing the muscle!
The Snake latches on firmly!

OB: Why -- let go, you moron!

The Drakeling breathes fire!
Osto Bacchus drops the +wooden staff+.
OB: Aaaah!

Osto Bacchus dodges away from the flames!

OB: A dragon?! What the fucking fuck is a _dragon_ doing here?!
Spike: Bringing justice to the likes of you!
//AND BURNING DOWN FORESTS BECAUSE HE'S SCARED OF HIS OWN SEXUALITY--
The Drakeling breathes fire! Osto Bacchus is caught in the dragonfire! Her robe is set aflame!

OB: Ow ow aaaaaah hot hot hot!
Osto Bacchus throws off the black robe!

//What the...
//In Osto Bacchus's place is a standing skeleton of a unicorn. Its bones are picked clean, patchy yellow and white. The eyeholes are enormous, and the back of the skull can be seen through them even in the dim light of a couple torches. Stray ligaments hang from bones here and there, rotted and frayed, but they seem to serve no purpose.
Spike: Who the hell are you?!
Osto Bacchus: Osto Bacchus! What should I write on _your_ gravestone?!

The Skeleton points at The Drakeling and casts Spell Blast!
The Drakeling dodges away from the flying Spell Blast!
//Those things would turn me into paste! I have to avoid them!

//Dead?! How can a pony who is moving around and speaking be dead?! Or how can a pony who has the flesh _stripped from her bones_ be not dead?!
Spike: What is going on here?!
OB: What does this fucking look like, a baker's?
//SHE'S GOT YOU THERE.
Spike: You're... you're a monster, raising the dead to make an army of them like yourself!
OB: If you knew that, why'd you ask?!
//HE LIKES THE SOUND OF HIS OWN VOICE.
OB: Dipshit!

Osto Bacchus points at The Drakeling and casts Spell Blast!
The Drakeling dodges away from the flying Spell Blast!

Spike: Stop that!
OB: You don't understand how fighting someone works, do you?!
Spike: If that's the way it has to be, I'll stop you myself!

The Drakeling charges at Osto Bacchus!
The Drakeling punches Osto Bacchus in the right front leg with his left hand, bruising the bone!
A ligament has been torn!
Osto Bacchus counterattacks!
Osto Bacchus kicks The Drakeling in the head with her right front hoof, tearing the scale and bruising the muscle!
The Drakeling collides with Osto Bacchus! The Drakeling bounces backwards!

//'Swings, I forgot to cast Terrae Corpus! I'm done if I don't do that!

TM: G-g-geth offh miy!
//The Tired Mover takes the snake's fangs out of his cheek and throws the staff on the ground. Osto Bacchus turns to look at it for a second.
OB: You moron! Be careful with that!

The Drakeling breathes in and focuses, casting Terrae Corpus! The Drakeling's scales become as hard as rock!

Osto Bacchus kicks at The Drakeling, but The Drakeling dodges away!
The Drakeling counterattacks!
The Drakeling strikes Osto Bacchus in the lower body with his Dashing Rogue Punch, shattering the lower spine's bone!

//Osto Bacchus slumps forward as her hind legs collapse, kicking at the dirt with her front.
OB: No! No!!
Spike: Er...
//Skeleton or not, a being has a body. If you pulverize that, what's there left to do?
OB: I have died already once. I will not again!
Spike: You should have thought about that before you said you were going to kill and then enslave everybody.
//...When this is over, I'm going some _serious_ thinking.
OB: Sizmig, kill him!
//I hear a sudden buzzing sound behind me.

Sizmig Gloric strikes The Drakeling in the lower body with his left rear leg, bruising the muscle, and bruising the right kidney!
The Drakeling is propelled away from the force of the blow!
//I faceplant in the dirt a few yards away.

//THE ONLY THING HEAVIER THAN THAT HIT WAS YOUR MOTHER. YOU KNOW, BEFORE SHE ABANDONED YOU.
//What the hell?!
//Standing over Osto Bacchus is the cloud of blue mist, shaped like a pony with an old war coat and a greataxe on his back. A non-mist beehive is stuck over his head, angry bees swarming about. Is that what kicked me?
OB: Help me!
Sizmig Gloric: Mmmhm-hmmh-mmm--
OB: Seriously?! Take the fucking beehive off, you shithead!!
//The ghost(?) takes the beehive off his head and tosses it into the woods.
SG: I have standing orders to kill him. Which would you like me to do first?
OB: Kill him! Then help me!
//She digs her bony hooves at the ground, trying to pull herself over to where the snake and staff lie.

The Drakeling stands up.
SG: Shame, really.
Sizmig Gloric hacks at The Drakeling with his ☼ethereal greataxe☼, but The Drakeling dodges away!
The Drakeling counterattacks!
The Drakeling strikes Sizmig Gloric in the upper body with his Dashing Rogue Punch, but the attack passes through!
//What?! I can't hit him?!

SG: If circumstances were different, I'd imagine we could have become friends.
Spike: Why's that?
SG: You're trying to stop an evildoer.

Sizmig Gloric hacks at The Drakeling with his ☼ethereal greataxe☼ in the left upper arm, tearing the scale and tearing the muscle!
Spike: Yaaah!
//I leap backwards, away from the ghost!

Spike: How are you able to hit me?!
//Gloric shrugs. I guess he doesn't know either.
Spike: If you know how evil Osto Bacchus is, then why are you still trying to hurt me?! Stop! We can work together!
SG: I don't have any choice in the matter.

Sizmig Gloric hacks at The Drakeling with his ☼ethereal greataxe☼, but The Drakeling dodges away!

//Osto Bacchus drags herself forward, to just within reach of the staff.
Osto Bacchus picks up the +wooden staff+.

Osto Bacchus's ligaments twist and wrap around her bones!
The lower spine's bone has been regenerated! The right front leg's bone has been regenerated!
Osto Bacchus stands up.

Spike: _What_?!
//This is some crazy bullshit!
OB: Rod of Asclopius. Mechanical realization of an abstract concept. 'A staff that makes you better.'

The Drakeling breathes fire! The flames pass through Sizmig Gloric!
Sizmig Gloric counterattacks!
Sizmig Gloric kicks The Drakeling in the head with his left front hoof, denting the scale!

Osto Bacchus points at The Drakeling and casts Spell Blast!
The flying Spell Blast strikes The Drakeling in the upper body, tearing the scale, bruising the muscle and bruising the right true ribs!
The flying Spell Blast strikes The Drakeling in the lower body, tearing the scale, bruising the muscle and bruising the guts!
The flying Spell Blast strikes The Drakeling in the left upper leg, tearing the scale, bruising the muscle and bruising the bone!
The flying Spell Blast strikes The Drakeling in the right upper leg, tearing the scale, bruising the muscle and bruising the bone!

//HOLY SHIT YOU'RE GONNA BE PASTE BOY
SG: Watch where you're aiming that!
OB: Quit being a bitch!

Sizmig Gloric hacks at The Drakeling with his ☼ethereal greataxe☼, but The Drakeling dodges away!
//He's slow, and I could dodge him, but I can't keep dodging that axe and the Spell Blast forever! Did he yell at Osto Bacchus because he's vulnerable to magic?

OB: Not fighting back? Good, just give in.
Osto Bacchus points at The Drakeling and casts Spell Blast!
//Get him in the way!
The Drakeling leaps backwards, away from Sizmig Gloric!
Sizmig Gloric charges at The Drakeling!
The flying Spell Blast strikes Sizmig Gloric in the gas, and the severed part flies off in an arc!
Sizmig Gloric has been struck down!
//The blue mist dissipates, sinking back into the earth!

OB: You think you're clever?
Spike: Well, my day to day activities don't include hanging out in graveyards hitting people in the throat and evoking abominable spells. So I'd just call it intelligence.
OB: This is a _graveyard_. I summon spirits from dead bodies that you can't possibly fight. How do you possibly expect to defeat me?

Osto Bacchus waves her staff, evoking a spell!
A blue miasma begins to rise from the coffin, into the sky!
//The smell of mint returns for a second.

//A sigh is heard from the coffin.
//Celestia, how do I defeat this crazy skeleton bint?!
//From far away, as if coming from nowhere at all, a whisper drifts to me on the air, and I feel the presence of the sun:
C: (You cannot here. Use the Element of Surprise.)
Spike: (The Element of Surprise? Where is that?)
C: (In the catacombs.)
//The whispers fade, and the sun is put out.
//Damnit, I don't want to run... but what is it Heroes do more? Run or lose battles?
SG: Must we?
OB: Kill him!
//I'm no use to anyone if I'm just a corpse, or worse!

Spike: Don't think you've won!
The Drakeling leaps backwards, towards the top of the hill!
The Drakeling begins to run!

OB: Run, coward! Death will find you!
The Drakeling has ran away!

[[SAVE LOCATION]]

//Osto Bacchus winds her way through brick tunnels underneath Top Hill Cemetery, ligaments hanging in the still air. A snarl is present on her face (skull?) as she drags the Rod of Asclopius through the catacombs. It's trying to bite the torches on the wall.
Osto Bacchus: You stupid piece of shit snake, I'd kill you if I could!
//It flares out its fangs in response.
//To each side, holes are dug into the wall, bearing markings (presumably something meaningful seven centuries ago but just vague scribbles now) and coffins. Every so often, a broken picture frame with no painting, or a stone pony bust with golden teeth and headgear wrenched off appears. It's a good reminder of what this place once was, and what Osto Bacchus and her goons did to it.
Spike: (Literal graverobbing. Some people have no shame.)
//Although, since I haven't seen any jewelry here, I haven't found the Element of Surprise... when Celestia said that, I don't think she meant it was a necklace.
//YOU FUCKING THINK SO WELL STOP THE PRESSES
//Osto Bacchus stops, pausing for a second. She looks vaguely up for a moment, before continuing to walk.
OB: Caduceus. That's what it was. The caduceus.
//'Swings, she's a lot closer than I'd like, I should get moving. But to not make any noise in this armor I have to move slowly, and that means I can't get away quickly... why did I think this was a good idea?!
OB: It began with the mare with the caduceus. She was tall, dark, and had a funny way of speaking. It sounded like a recipe for trouble, but I saw the symbol on her flank. And I thought she was a practitioner of medicine, a mare who could give me what I needed.
//Is she... is this seriously the villainous dialogue where she lectures about her side of the story before losing? What is she, a Saturday morning cartoon?
OB: She was nothing of the sort. But she gave me exactly what I needed. That mysterious mare cured more ills than I'd ever known I had.
Spike: Including what, life and sanity?
OB: Shut up!

Osto Bacchus points at the tunnel and casts Spell Blast!
The flying spell blast strikes the +marble bust of a pony+ in the marble, and the severed part flies off in an arc!
//The acoustics here are weird, by talking the right way I can sound like my voice is coming from other places.
//IT ALWAYS SOUNDS LIKE THAT

OB: I have learned. I understand now. I see what she saw -- she who could somehow see what I only see now, even without experiencing it herself.
Spike: Oh, so this mare you fell in love with didn't have eyeballs either?
//Osto Bacchus grits her teeth.
OB: When I'm done with you, you won't think that joke was so funny!
Spike: Yeah, yeah; tell it to the last dozen people who threatened to kill me.
OB: Morons like you could never understand. This is not the Caduceus, it is different; the Caduceus is a symbol of trade and commerce. I was _traded_ the Rod, not given it.
Spike: I've heard of selling your body before, but this takes the cake!
OB: _Enough_!
//DO YOU THINK IF YOU MAKE HER ANGRY ENOUGH, SHE'LL BONE US? IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE DOING?
OB: I was granted reprieve from death itself! I, Osto Bacchus, who died twenty years ago at the hooves of a dozen Inquisitors, have returned... but not of my own power.
//There isn't anybody in the world powerful enough to reverse death like that. I don't believe it!
Spike: In this delusional fantasy of yours, some dark mare with a Caduceus as her cutie mark--
//Those are still the dumbest two words ever--
Spike: --revived you, for what? Couldn't have been your personality.
OB: It was a trade, you stupid fuckwit. My life regained for something from me in return. Let it never be said that deals with devils are unprofitable. Do you know what she asked?
//Devils? Does she mean demons? A snake-thing couldn't have dug her up and revived her; that's just way too crazy to be true...
//Enjoying the sound of her own voice, Osto Bacchus continues:
OB: It said only, 'bring this power to rule'. The difference, young scalescum, between the gods that which is extant is simple. The gods follow less rules. And, on this day...

Osto Bacchus waves her staff, evoking a spell!
A blue miasma begins to rise from a coffin on the wall, swirling in the air!
//Mint travels down the hallway, but I'm long gone from there.
\\Besides, I hate mint.

//A pony of unidentifiable gender with a bow (the arrow kind) slithers out of the coffin, forming itself in blue mist in front of Osto Bacchus.

Pony Archer: Ug.
OB: Hunt down the drakeling in these passages. Kill him.
PA: Ug.
//The spirit floats in the opposite direction of where Osto Bacchus is walking. She continues.
OB: On this day that definition applies to me. And for it the world is mine.
Spike: Equestria will never bow to someone as evil as you!

Osto Bacchus leaps forward, towards The Drakeling!
//She jumps around the corner with frightening speed, pointing her bony horn!
Osto Bacchus points at the tunnel and casts Spell Blast!
The flying Spell Blast strikes the tunnel wall, chipping the stone!
//Whew, I almost didn't make it out of there in time...

//Disappointed with missing, Osto Bacchus slowly rises from attack position. She walks again.
OB: The world will be mine. The world must be mine. Power, you living sack of meat and filth, lies in difference. I am powerful because I have gone a journey others have not. This journey has brought me sight, so I can see beyond the petty ambitions of mortal mares.
Spike: Petty ambitions like, freedom and life and happiness.
OB: Yes!
Spike: You horrid bitch!

The Drakeling leaps away from the flying +ethereal arrow+!
//The hunter (huntress?) found me! I have to run!
//As I start running, the sound of my armor echoes through the tunnels. The Rod of Asclopius strains towards my footsteps, and Osto Bacchus runs to follow it, speaking as she gallops:
OB: I must rule because I am different. My journey has shown me the follies of normal perspective, of life-centric and greedy thought! I have visions none could but dream of; I see from angles once thought obscene. This is why my armies must envelop Equestria, and the world!
Spike: Because you died once? Big deal!
//I did that once! If total amnesia counts.
OB: I have seen what they cannot! This insight will usher in a new age, carried by the power granted me!
The Drakeling dodges away from the flying +ethereal arrow+!
PA: Ug.
OB: Shut up!

Osto Bacchus points at The Drakeling and casts Spell Blast!
The Pony Archer dodges away from the flying Spell Blast!
The flying Spell Blast strikes the tunnel wall, but the attack glances away!
PA: Ug!
OB: The reasons for, the axioms of civilized life are broken and shattered at my hooves. You cannot deny what you have seen!
Spike: What you're trying to kill me with!
OB: Exactly!
//I leap around a corner, then scramble the other way as the ghost archer appears in front of me!

The Drakeling leaps away from the flying +ethereal arrow+!
OB: Both the unwavering advance of death and the biological construction of the mind have been dispelled with a spell before me! There is no need for civilization to exist as it has! I will tear their fucking castles down and put ponykind's next step in their place!
Spike: You're no Prometheus; you're a loon!

//I take a right turn, trying to get away, but suddenly a great underground chamber appears!
//About a dozen or so ponies are scattered about the great chamber. Machinery (weird stuff with odd gears and levers) is centered around the six huge pillars which hold the ceiling up. Piles of coffins, empty and full, lie everywhere. Two ponies are pushing a wide cart, covered with a few bottles of golden liquid and many more empty bottles.
Pushing Stallion: Is that the boss?
Pushing Mare: I don't know. Boss?
Pushing Stallion: Hey, boss? We need to milk the staff again, our supp--

The Drakeling dodges away from the flying +ethereal arrow+!
The flying +ethereal arrow+ strikes the bottle in the glass, and the severed part flies off in an arc!
The bottle has been shot and killed!
//FUCKDAMNIT PAY ATTENTION BOY
//Golden liquid pools on the cart, dripping onto the ground!

//The ponies in the chamber all scramble away!
PS: Waaaagh!
PM: Get down!
//I run into the chamber and take cover behind the cart. I might just be hoping Osto Bacchus doesn't see me here.
//Osto Bacchus leaps into the chamber, side by side with the blue wisps that make up the pony archer!
OB: Where is he?!
PS: The cart!
PM: Behind the cart!
//Damnit!

//Osto Bacchus stares at the dripping gold for a small time, and then turns to her apparition.
OB: Did you do that?
PA: Ug.
OB: Then get the fuck out of here, you shitbrain! Do you know how much effort those things take to make?!
//With a last grunt, the pony archer fades down into the ground, leaving nothing behind.
//Osto Bacchus narrows her eyes at me through the cart, and starts to deliberately inch her way forward.
OB: Besides, I should be able to take care of this little--

//THROW THE CART AT HER IT'LL BE FUNNY
The Drakeling throws the cart by the steel!
//The cart tumbles end over end, bouncing off the ground once! Bottles fly off everywhere!
The tumbling cart strikes Osto Bacchus in the upper body, shattering the right false rib!
A ligament has been severed!
The flying -empty bottle- strikes Osto Bacchus in the head, bruising the skull!
The flying -empty bottle- strikes Osto Bacchus in the left rear hoof, bruising the bone!
The flying -empty bottle- strikes Osto Bacchus in the right front leg, but the attack glances away!
//Just like before, the snake hisses, and Osto Bacchus's wounds begin to heal!

//I look at my hands, dumbfounded.
Spike: Why did I do that?!
//I have no cover now!
The Drakeling leaps backwards, away from Osto Bacchus!

Osto Bacchus points at The Drakeling and casts Spell Blast!
The Drakeling dodges away from the flying Spell Blast!
The Drakeling slams into the obstacle!
//I take cover behind the huge pillar!
The flying Spell Blast dissipates into the air!

//Celestia's wings, this is bad. This is so bad! I can't go out there and fight, she'll tear me apart with her Spell Blast before I get close!
\\You can fight her if you do get close, all you have to--
//But I can't!
\\All you have to do is take the staff from her and your wounds will be healed. I think. But you can't defeat her without taking that staff.
//How am I going to take the staff?
\\She was hurt by dragonfire earlier, right? Maybe try that?
//I peek my head out from behind the pillar, trying to see how close--

Osto Bacchus points at The Drakeling and casts Spell Blast!
The flying Spell Blast strikes the pillar in the basalt, chipping the stone!

//That idea won't work. She's too far away. Oh, Celestia; my enemy has strong HP regen and an overpowered ranged attack and I'm a melee fighter; who designed this bullcrap?
\\The ponies in the chamber are taking cover now, but won't be for long. And Osto Bacchus might decide to summon that archer back to flush you out. Whatever you do, think quick!
OB: Come out, drakeling. I only want to play.
Spike: With my corpse!
OB: And?
//HEY REMEMBER WHEN YOU PROMISED YOU'D GIVE ME A CHANCE TO TAKE THE REINS
//I didn't say anything like that!
//YOU TOTALLY DID
//No, I wouldn't, because you're a crazy asshole!
//OKAY, TRUE, BUT YOU'RE GOING TO FUCKING DIE LIKE A BITCH ANYWAY AND I KIND OF WANT TO HAVE SOME FUN. PLEASE?
//No!
//ARE YOU SURE? WHAT DO YOU REALLY EXPECT TO DO HERE THAT'S BETTER THAN ME MESSING AROUND?
//Anything! Go away!
//COME ON, THINK ABOUT IT.
//...No, I won't even think about it!
//YOU'RE BEING UNREASONABLE.
OB: You idiots, what are you just standing there for?! Get a stick or something and attack him!
//...Ah, what the hell; I'm gonna die anyway.
//THAT'S THE SHITTY SPIRIT.

//I let the dragon instinct enter my mind and fill my consciousness. The inside of my head starts to get hotter, and hotter; it fills with a painful buzzing sensation...

The Drakeling booms out fell laughter!
OB: That sounds promising. Maybe after I kill you, you can teach me how to laugh like that.
Spike (Dragon Instinct): FUCK YOU AND FUCK EVERYTHING
The Drakeling strikes the pillar in the basalt with his Fist of Justice, shattering the stone! Severed parts fly off in arcs!
The Drakeling strikes the pillar in the basalt with his Fist of Justice, shattering the stone, and the severed part flies off in an arc!
The pillar has been struck down! The ceiling starts to sag!

//Woah! Okay, get out of me! You're crazy!!
//YOU EXPECTED THE TOOTH FAIRY?
//The pillar has been completely punched through! Ow, my hands...
//Osto Bacchus stares at me, dumbfounded, from the section of the pillar I (the dragon instinct) completely destroyed. In a moment, she regains her senses.
Osto Bacchus points at The Drakeling and casts Spell Blast!
The flying Spell Blast strikes the pillar in the basalt, chipping the stone!
//Her aim was too high. More debris falls off the pillar, and it starts to drag the ceiling down even more --
//A rock falls from the ceiling, headed for right where Osto Bacchus is standing!

Osto Bacchus dodges away from the falling basalt!
The basalt slams into the ground, shattering into a million pieces!
//For a quick moment, all eyes in the chamber are focused on the roof next to the shattered pillar, as cracks start crawling along the underside of many thousand tons of stone. I look down at the ponies in the chamber, all the complex heavy machinery, the destroyed pillar, the remaining five pillars, the marked piles of coffins, and finally my own fists.
\\I have an idea...
//DRAGON INSTINCT SAVES THE DAY ONCE A-FUCKING-GAIN.
//Let's do this!

OB: No!
Osto Bacchus points at The Drakeling and casts Spell Blast!
The Drakeling dodges away from the flying Spell Blast!
//I have to make it to the next pillar!

The Drakeling leaps away from Osto Bacchus! The Drakeling starts to run!

Spike: You're not fit to rule just because you're dead, you bony freak!
OB: Shut up!

Osto Bacchus points her horn at The Drakeling and starts to cast a spell!
//I leap preemptively, putting machinery between me and Osto Bacchus!
Osto Bacchus casts Stupefy!
The flying beam strikes the machinery in the gears!
//The gear spins with a whizzing sound, doing nothing!
Spike: Not everyone who's powerful deserves a shot at it, either!
OB: I'll kill you!

Osto Bacchus points at The Drakeling and casts Spell Blast!
The flying Spell Blast strikes the machinery, and the severed parts fly off in arcs!
The flying Spell Blast strikes The Drakeling in the lower body, tearing apart the scale and bruising the muscle!
//WHAT, YOU'RE GOING TO JUST DIE LIKE THAT AND WASTE EVERYTHING I'VE DONE FOR YOU?

//It's only a little ways to the next pillar!
The Drakeling leaps backwards, away from Osto Bacchus!
Osto Bacchus starts to run!
The Drakeling starts to run!
Osto Bacchus points at The Drakeling and casts Spell Blast!
The flying Spell Blast strikes the pillar in the basalt, chipping the stone!
Spike: Thanks for the help!
OB: _Fuck yourself_!

//I need to have a calm sense of justice about this, but... I really just wanna freaking kill her!
Spike: Alternative perspectives are different from the norm, not necessarily better. This means you are simply a slaver.
The Drakeling strikes the pillar in the basalt with his Fist of Justice, shattering the stone! Severed parts fly off in arcs!
OB: Stop! I can bring them what they never knew! What you could never know!
Spike: There may be wisdom in multiple perspectives, but if you must experience a perspective to empathize with it, you don't have the innate wisdom necessary to rule.
OB: 'Wisdom'? What kind of wisdom is it to fight against the dissolution of death itself?!
Spike: You would not be giving anyone absolution; simply killing them and placing in their stead the people who you want them to be. In this case, forcing obedience to you. You are powerful, but evil. Of all the things you deserve, to rule is least.
The Drakeling strikes the pillar in the basalt with his Fist of Justice, shattering the stone, and the severed part flies off in an arc!
The pillar has been struck down! The ceiling starts to sag even further!

//Osto Bacchus cries out in a shrill voice that echoes through the chamber:
OB: You idiots! He's bringing the chamber down! We'll lose everything! _Do something_!
//The ponies in the chamber scramble to grab whatever they can, and rush towards me!

The Drakeling leaps backwards, away from Osto Bacchus!

The Goon strikes The Drakeling in the head with his steel pipe, but the attack glances away!
The Drakeling breathes fire! The Goon is caught in the dragonfire! The Goon's right front leg has been burnt to a crisp!
Goon: Aaaaaaah!!
//Hopefully that should keep them away!

The Drakeling starts to run!
The Goon charges at The Drakeling!
The Goon kicks at The Drakeling with his right rear hoof, but The Drakeling dodges away!
The Drakeling counterattacks!
The Drakeling strikes The Goon in the lower body with his Dashing Rogue Punch, bruising the muscle, bruising the guts, shattering the bone and tearing apart the lower spine's nervous tissue!
The Goon falls over!

Osto Bacchus points at The Drakeling and casts Spell Blast!
The flying Spell Blast strikes The Goon in the upper body! It collapses into a lump of gore!
The Goon has been struck down!
OB: _Get out of the fucking way_!
Spike: Your aim is crap!

//Osto Bacchus rises herself up, reading one of the coffins next to her.
OB: Screw this! Time to die, drakeling!
Osto Bacchus waves her staff, evoking a spell!
A blue miasma begins to rise from the coffin, swirling in the air!
//A figure rises from the coffin!
\\I am never going to like mint ever again Celestia damn it.

The Goon bites The Drakeling in the left upper arm, denting the scale!
The Goon latches on firmly!
Spike: Get off!
The Drakeling kicks The Goon in the upper body with his right foot, bruising the muscle, bruising the left true ribs and bruising the heart!
The Goon is propelled away by the force of the blow!
The Goon releases the grip of The Goon's upper front teeth on The Drakeling's left upper arm.
//Come on, come on, keep running!

//I try to get a glimpse of the spirit Osto Bacchus just summoned. It's a bipedal person, wearing a cape and holding a nasty-looking sword. Hold on, it almost looks like a drakel--
//OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK FUCK FUCK
OB: Kill him!
Bothersome Jester: Kill who, my dear? I have not lain for five hundred years to be given vague orders from hysterical--
OB: The drakeling! Kill the fucking drakeling!
Bothersome Jester: As you wish, my dear.
//FUCK SHIT GET GOING SHIT
//What?! Who is that?!
//LET'S JUST FUCKING SAY OSTO BACCHUS IS NO LONGER THE DEADLIEST CUNT IN THE ROOM

//The blue mist of a drakeling floats towards me, raising his sword!
The Drakeling leaps backwards, away from The Ghost Drakeling!
Spike: Even raising one of my people for your purposes... as if enslaving us during life wasn't enough!
The Drakeling strikes the pillar in the basalt with his Fist of Justice, shattering the stone! Severed parts fly off in arcs!
OB: Kill him kill him kill him kill him--
BJ: The gods themselves found me a challenge. What do you expect to do, hmm?

The Ghost Drakeling slashes at The Drakeling with his ☼ethereal greatsword☼, but The Drakeling dodges away!
The Ghost Drakeling slashes at The Drakeling with his ☼ethereal greatsword☼, but The Drakeling dodges away!
The Ghost Drakeling slashes The Drakeling with his ☼ethereal greatsword☼ in the right hand, tearing apart the scale, tearing apart the muscle and shattering the bone!

//Damnit ow ow owowowowowwww why do ghosts hurt so much
\\And how is anyone this fast with a sword?! He moves like lightning!
//Slightly disappointed, the spirit withdraws from combat for a moment, holding his sword up.
BJ: Cursed instinct... why do you malign me now?
//NO ONE EVER LIKED YOU, NOT EVEN WHEN YOU WERE ALIVE. YOU JUST RUINED THINGS FOR EVERYBODY, YOU PIECE OF SHIT! I'M GLAD YOUR STRIKES BARELY HIT!
//_Barely hit_?! You jackass!!
\\Wow. Should I give you three a candle-light hate date alone somewhere? Or can I finish _tearing down this Celestia-damned cavern already_?!
Spike: Stay in hell where you all belong!
The Drakeling strikes the pillar in the basalt with his Fist of Justice, shattering the stone, and the severed part flies off in an arc!
The pillar has been struck down! The ceiling starts to crumble!

The Goon dodges away from the falling basalt!
The basalt slams into the ground, shattering into a million pieces!

Osto Bacchus dodges away from the falling basalt!
The basalt slams into the ground, shattering into a million pieces!

The falling basalt strikes The Goon in the head, bruising the muscle, shattering the skull, driving the skull through the brain and tearing apart the brain!
The Goon has been struck down!

//For a terrified moment, everyone looks up. The cracks radiating from the two earlier broken pillars form a web together, worsening from the additional strain. The newest cracks nearly sprint across the ceiling, meeting up with the old.
A section of the cavern has collapsed!
//A gargantuan chunk of basalt loosens itself from the ceiling. There is only silence as it falls.

Osto Bacchus leaps away from the falling layer of stone!
The Goon leaps away from the falling layer of stone!
The Goon leaps away from the falling layer of stone!

//The gargantuan rock crushes two piles of coffins and six machines beneath it, sending flying bits of wood and gears everywhere, kicking up dust dozens of feet into the air, and shaking the entire chamber with its boom!

Spike: Sweet Celestia!
OB: Fuck!
BJ: Oh dear.

//A rumbling sound is heard through the entire chamber, echoing from all sides. It shakes the very floor beneath us.
//Similar chunks start to loosen themselves from the ceiling.
//SUCCESS
//Shit!

A section of the cavern has collapsed!
OB: Get me the hell out of here!
//Osto Bacchus gallops towards the spirit (and me) as the goons start to scream and run, trying to escape any way they can.
BJ: Your desire is my duty.
//The ethereal drakeling floats over to Osto Bacchus, with an absent smile on his face.
//WHY ARE YOU NOT MOVING YET YOU IDIOT
//Because, crap! I completely forgot about the ankh Quine lost! And now the ceiling's collapsing!
\\Oh yeah. Are we a bad hero?

The Ghost Drakeling grabs Osto Bacchus by the head with his left hand!
The Ghost Drakeling grabs Osto Bacchus by the head with his right hand!
OB: What, what are you--
The Ghost Drakeling throws Osto Bacchus by the head!
//He threw her directly into a wooden chest!

A section of the cavern has collapsed!
Osto Bacchus collides with the *mahogany chest*!
Osto Bacchus's head takes the full force of the impact, shattering the skull!
Osto Bacchus's head has lodged firmly in the wound!
//The chest spills over with personal effects! Out come gems, gold, scrolls, books, potions of golden liquid, rings, and--
\\There it is! There's the grey ankh! We have to get it!
//THE CEILING IS COMING DOWN, FUCK THE ANKH. I'LL PUT IN A GOOD WORD FOR YOU INSTEAD.

A section of the cavern has collapsed!
A section of the cavern has collapsed!

The Drakeling leaps forward, towards Osto Bacchus!
The Drakeling grabs the ankh! The Drakeling grabs the potion of golden liquid!
//Osto Bacchus extracts her head from the wooden chest, skull healed.
OB: _What the shit_?!
BJ: (Never entrust yourself to the genie.)
//Several slabs of basalt slam into the cavern floor, shaking the chamber violently!

BJ: (Now that it is too loud to hear orders, let it be known this mare's lack of clarity led to her demise. I wish you better luck, master drakeling.)
//The spirit fades into the ground, leaving. Who was that guy?
//A GUY WHO'S NOT GOING TO GET PANCAKED
Osto Bacchus kicks The Drakeling in the head with her right front hoof, shattering the scale and bruising the muscle!
A section of the cavern has collapsed!
OB: You asshole!

The Drakeling leaps backwards, away from Osto Bacchus!
//I look around for a quick moment. There's not enough time for me to get to any exits! I have to hope the odd alcove behind me holds up!
The Drakeling starts to run!

OB: You ruined, you ruined everything! I hate you!
//Osto Bacchus extracts herself from the chest and starts to chase after me! How am I going to get her off my tail?
\\She left the staff behind, just pulverize her.
//Oh, yeah.

//Still running, I drink the golden vial, and my wounds start to heal!

OB: I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I _hate you_!
Osto Bacchus points at The Drakeling and casts Spell Blast!
The flying Spell Blast strikes The Drakeling in the upper body, tearing the scale, bruising the muscle and bruising the right true ribs!
The flying Spell Blast strikes The Drakeling in the lower body, tearing the scale, bruising the muscle and bruising the guts!
The flying Spell Blast strikes The Drakeling in the left upper leg, tearing the scale, bruising the muscle and bruising the bone!
The flying Spell Blast strikes The Drakeling in the right upper leg, tearing the scale, bruising the muscle and bruising the bone!

//Doesn't matter, just keep running, the entire ceiling is starting to collapse, almost there...
The Drakeling collides with the obstacle!
\\Okay, that looked less like a wall from over there!!
//I spin around.

OB: Die, you stupid idiot who ruined everything, I hate--
Spike: You should have stayed dead!
//Crazy undead bint!

A section of the cavern has collapsed! The ceiling falls!
The Drakeling breathes fire! Osto Bacchus leaps backwards, away from the dragonfire!
//I press myself against the wall and pray to Celestia. There's nothing more I can do!
//Osto Bacchus stands up, cursing:
OB: Hate you hate you--

//The stone slams into the cavern floor!
Osto Bacchus has been crushed under the collapsing ceiling!
The Drakeling has been caught in a burst of basalt!
//No! I can't die yet! I've barely even lived!

//...
Osto Bacchus has been defeated!
Spike earned 5000 experience points!
Spike is now level 17!

[[SAVE LOCATION]]