//Nighttime falls early on the Valley of Death. I approach a wooden gate that closes the road through the small village, noting that there is no wall around the village otherwise and the gate is ten feet wide. I could walk right around it; who were they trying to stop, the world's dumbest bandits?
T: (Hey, Spike, I have an appointment with a, good... friend, and it's important because I, you know, it's one of those... ah, hell, I don't need an excuse. I'll be gone for a while, you should find somewhere to spend the night. See you later.)
Spike: ('Kay?)
Gatekeeper: Evenin', young master. It's not often we see a dragon roun' these parts. What's your business in Longbridge?
//I guess I'll stay until the morning. It'll be nice to sleep in an actual bed for once.
Spike: Evening, gatekeeper. I'm looking for a place to pass the night, can you tell me which inns have the pillows with the least lumps in them?
//The gatekeeper chuckles.
Gatekeeper: There be only one inn 'ere in Longbridge, trav'lah, and I'll point you right to it. Let me get this rusty thing 'ere...
//The rusted gate swings open on squeaky hinges, revealing a wrinkled old gatekeeper with more legs than teeth.
Gatekeeper: There you are, it's down and to the left, only building that's lit. Farmers are comin' in for the night, them others are just leavin', so you might still see a few. Don't mind them.
Spike: 'Others'?
Gatekeeper: Oh, yah. Big ponies with dark suits and far away eyes. Arrived a few months ago, now. But their coin's good and they do us no harm, so we don' mind. Off you go!

//The inn, Longbridge Nights (someone has scrawled 'if you know what I mean' under the sign), is the only building in the village that doesn't look torn out of a shanty town; the carpenter must have learned about right angles fairly late into his career. But it's warm and it's loud and it's a place to sleep.
//There are quite a few ponies here. I pull my hood up.
Pony Playing With His Mouth: Bood, bood, bobobo...
Other Pony At Table: Shut up, Pepwhem, you're drunk.
Barkeep: 'Lo, little master. Place is made o' wood, I'd like t' remind ya.
//What's that supposed to mean?
Spike: So?
Barkeep: Just 'opin' you'll be careful an' leave an ol' stallion his house and home. We don' happen' to have any meat around, so, what's your poison?
//I spill a few coins (fence) on the counter, and mutter:
Spike: Whatever's cheapest.
Barkeep: Comin' up.
//The barkeep puts a drink in front of me. Dragons are omnivorous, but he's not worth correcting.
Agitated Yuppie: I cannot believe you won that hand.
//I collect an empty glass from a vacant barscape next to me and angle it with mine to get a reflection. In a populated table behind me, a pony is collecting her earnings.
Hand Winner: Hehehaha *snort* hehehaha, sorry! Looks like you'll have to buy in again!
AY: Why would you raise on a flop of king-king-ace with two-seven offsuit?
HW: I wanted to confuse you into defeat?
AY: _That's not how you play the game_!
HW: Sorry, Rarity, I'm not very good at poker. Should I lose more?
Rarity: You have a very odd knack for succeeding at tasks for which you have no training, no experience and exceedingly small reason to succeed. Let's see, what was that called again?
//The pink one gasps.
Pinkie Pie: I swear, as my name is Pinkie Pie, in the name of Her Royal Hazelness, that I would never use my kooky-spooky luck powers in a friendly competition!
//The dealer, an aging bar maid, collects the cards and deals again.
OPAT: Pepwhem. Don't eat the cards.
PPWHM: Hihihihisss... hihihihisss...
//The dealer throws out three cards, and Pepwhem continues hissing.
Third Pony At Table: Celestia, can't you get him to shut up?
OPAT: Don't use that language around me, or I'll tear your mouth out through your ass!
TPAT: Your 'sweet, loving' Celestia was nothing more than a successful con and a tool to keep savages in line!
OPAT: Wanna bet on it?! All in!
TPAT: Call!
Pinkie Pie: (How do you bet on the divinity of Princess Celestia?)
Rarity: (With a deitometer?)
//The dealer turns over the last two cards, one of the ponies shouts out in joy. They settle back down.
//I take a sip of the drink, and put it back down.
Spike: Hey, Barkeep. Try again; this time hold the turpentine.
//My glass is taken away and a new hand is dealt.
R: (Although I'd imagine a deitometer would give a lot of false readings.)
PP: (Ooh, a double entendre!)
TPAT: So, you really believe that a big white horse with a cheap crown and fancy shoes could be the earthy manifestation of Celestia?
OPAT: You don't? That alicorn lived for more'n a thousand years. Explain _that_.
TPAT: Magic.
OPAT: Magic can't do that. I got a cousin, distant relative, lives in Canterlot, says he hears unicorns talkin' about it all the time. Magic and death is two different things, separate. Y'ain't supposed to be muckin' about combining them.
TPAT: 'Course y'ain't, it'd cut in on the con mare's business.
OPAT: Play your cards, Lou.
PP: I'm proud of you, Rarity. You haven't complained once about all the grime and dirt in here!
R: When you invited me to play poker I had imagined it would be in Mountainville, not... er, wherever we are. It's cleaner, in one sense of the word, and the refreshments are certainly more appetizing.
PP: (We try and get our maids before the three kids and wrinkles, too!)
R: (Hohoho, that's mean, stop it!)
//Another hand is dealt out in relative silence.
OPAT: An', an', I mean, look at what happen' when she ain't here, see? That new Princess, you know, uh, wossername--
PP: Hazel?
OPAT: No, the one before that, the uh, wossit, the short one--
//The dealer points her hoof at him and says:
Dealermaid: Sparkle!
OPAT: Yeah, thassit! Princess Twilight Sparkle!
//What?! Princess Twilight Sparkle?!
//SHE WAS A HUGE FAILURE. BITCH STILL IS.
//Man, I'm glad she's not here now...
//Rarity rolls her eyes.
R: Oh, yes, _her_. What about her?
//Pinkie Pie shrinks away from the conversation, eying Rarity.
R: I suppose you're going to say, 'If Celestia were not a goddess, it would be possible for another pony to rule Equestria'. And cite as your counterexample Twilight Sparkle, most notably how she went and got herself _rent in twain_ by a dragon only several days after she ascended to the throne.
//Uh... Twilight is kind of not rended (is it really rent?) in twain. I don't know who Rarity's talking about, but it can't be the Twilight I know.
R: What you must realize is that Princess Celestia had hundreds of years of experience under her belt that allowed her to rule effectively. The disappearance of Celestia happened, what? Less than two months after Princess Sparkle's--
//She spits those words--
R: --Coronation ceremony? At the time of her untimely death, the poor Princess barely understood the use of her wings, nevermind the political machinations of a territory the size of Equestria! Her death is no counterexample.
//So, either there's a Twilight Sparkle out there who was a Princess of Equestria, died a year and a half ago, had wings, and the Twilight Sparkle I know is a completely different one... or something fishy is up. And I smell scales.
TPAT: There's a pony who knows what she's talkin' 'bout!
//Real scales this time, not feathers.
R: I will say, though, that Hazel is a far better ruler than Twilight could ever be.
PP: (That was... different than I was expecting?)
//Another hand is dealt out, again in relative silence. Everyone seems to be digesting Rarity's words.
\\They kind of make me feel sick.
R: (I have disagreements with Twilight for the right reasons, Pinkie Pie. We're still friends.)
PP: (Are you sure?)
//Rarity takes winnings for her hand, won with a pair of twos.
PP: So... do you ever wonder...--
R: Not really, no. Information that will influence the future can always be determined and information that will not is not worth the mental effort. One learns, Pinkie Pie, not idly wonders.
PP: Rarity, it was a leading question? I was going to ask you about--
R: Hmm, Pinkie Pie, what creature would you consider my recent behavior?
PP: Uh... 'wailing banshee'?
R: My _poker_ behavior, my play. I feel like a whale right now.
PP: Nonsense; your figure is as stunning as ever, Rarity!
R: Hoho, stop.
//These are the Avatar of Luck and the Avatar of Avarice? Why are they normal people, and Rainbow Dash a crazy thug?
//Wait, nevermind; the Avatar of Avarice also tried to assault me. I guess it's inevitable the Avatar of Luck will, too. Honestly, I'm still thinking about what they said about Twilight...
PPWHM: Yuan-ti, yuan-ti, yuan-ti...
TPAT: What'd you say about my auntie?! Pepwhem I'll kill you!!
//The pony shatters a dirty glass against the side of the table as two others try to restrain him.
PP: Maybe we can talk about this some other time.
R: It does seem like a good time to leave.
//The two Avatars touch a gem (bismuth crystal) sewn into the Avatar of Avarice's dress, and disappear. I pull my hood up as a sudden gust of wind streams out the door.
Spike: Barkeep, got any open rooms?
Barkeep: Just one, an' don' expect much out of it.
Spike: I really wasn't.

//He really meant it when he said not to expect much. One small bed, a broken window, a door that gets stuck shut, and standing room only. I sigh, put down the bookbag, and start taking off armor.
//I'MMA STOP TIME FOR HALF A MOMENT TO GIVE YOU SOME ACTUAL FUCKING ADVICE. AND NO, NOT ACTUAL FUCKING ADVICE, FUCKING ACTUAL ADVICE. SHIT, WHAT DOES IT MATTER.
//Huh? You're actually being helpful for once? Why am I a little bit skeptical?
//HAH FUCKING HAH NOW LISTEN. EVERYTHING YOU'VE HEARD UP TO THIS POINT YOU NEED TO KEEP IN YOUR LITTLE FUCKING HEAD AND PUCKER YOUR ASS SO TIGHT NONE OF THAT SHIT COMES OUT, HEAR? RULE ONE OF NOT BEING 'MANGLED IN THE MACHINE LIKE A GEAR THAT TWISTS AWAY', YOU IGNORE EVERYTHING YOU'VE HEARD ABOUT TWILIGHT SPARKLE TODAY UNTIL I TELL YOU TO. OR YOU FUCKING DIE. UNDERSTAND?
//...Why are you telling me this? Is what I heard today really true? Twilight's my friend, she--
//FRIENDS ARE HONEST WITH EACH OTHER. RULE TWO OF NOT DYING: IF I TELL YOU TO SAY SOMETHING TO HER, SAY IT. SHE'S DANGEROUS ENOUGH YOU NEED MY HELP, SO DON'T FUCK THIS UP. NOW OR IN THE FUTURE.
//...I'm not sure I really trust you.
T: Wow, you're really doing well for yourself.
//Twilight is standing in the hallway, holding the door open with a hoof.
T: Uh, mind if I... come in?
Spike: Who are you asking, me or the laws of physics?
T: I left my cloak in Canterlot, but I won't be staying long anyway.
//She closes the door and steps in. My back presses up against the window and one of my legs is up on the cot; there's hardly breathing room.
Spike: The one that magically disguises who you are? Who are you hiding from?
T: Hiding? I'm not hiding! Who says I'm hiding from someone?
Spike: Well, I just did. And your overreaction. So, two people of the both of us.
T: ...It's not heinous to ask for a little privacy. I compartmentalize different aspects of my life, and you -- everything we do together is one of them. Which is why I was so mad you told a random encounter my full name!
//To be fair, if I'm allowed to choose which random encounters become recurring enemies, the one with the broken spine isn't a terrible choice...
T: That isn't something you do to a friend! We learned better than this.
Spike: Yeah, and I lost my memory. In case you forgot.
T: Spike, you lost your memory, not your empathy. Or your friends.
Spike: Apparently I did, because I can't find them anywhere. I have a feeling no dragon in the Aquinatics is going to know me.
//Twilight pushes her head forward, bangs bobbing.
T: Because you've been looking for them in the wrong places! The people who knew you best are right in front of you!
//Does Twilight have a multiple personality disorder, or is there someone invisible behind her?
T: Spike, I practically _raised_ you. And Fluttershy, Rarity, even Rainbow Dash -- they were our closest friends for years!
//Raised me? Were we really that close? What happened to my parents?
Spike: Rainbow Dash? Somehow I doubt she felt as close as you're saying.
T: ...Okay, she's changed a little since then. We all have. But whether or not you consider us your friends, we've all been closer to you than any dragon in the world.
Spike: Uh... Twilight?
//Not literally, I hope.
//Ignoring me, Twilight continues:
T: And you don't just up and abandon friends and ponies who are close to you like that!
//CELESTIA DID IT
//What I want to say is 'Twilight, if you could intimidate Rainbow Dash, an unknown dragon hunter nobody is never going to challenge you', but what I say is:
Spike: Sorry.
T: I accept your apology, Spike. But you need to learn how to be a better friend, and you're not going to do that unless you want to. Is that clear?
Spike: Clear as crystal.
//In a somber tone, she mutters downwards:
T: Crystals scratch, Spike.
//THEY MELT TO DRAGONFIRE, TOO. GO ON, FUCKING SAY THAT, DIG THE FUCKING KNIFE IN FURTHER. SAY THEY MELT.
Spike: They melt to dragonfire, too.
//Twilight snaps her head up and stares at me. Is she forcing back tears?
T: ...I'm... disappointed that you would say that, Spike...
//Damnit, why do I listen to the dragon instinct?
//YEAH HOW'S THAT FEEL YOU CUNT, HOW DO YOUR OWN FAILURES FEEL
//Celestia, this guy's just a bully.
//YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH MORE I AM THAN THAT.
//...Maybe I have been a bad friend. I mean, Twilight's gone all this way and taught me so much, and I haven't done anything at all to repay her, or even show that I appreciate it...
Spike: I'm really sorry, Twilight. I shouldn't say things like that. I've probably been a terrible travel partner.
//She sniffs, once.
T: Hey, don't say that.
Spike: But it's true! I can't possibly begin to repay you for all the times you bailed my ass out.
//I COULD COUNT YOUR INDEPENDENT SUCCESSES ON ONE FUCKING BIT
Spike: I mean, I still want to go to the Aquinatics. I want to see what kind of hardships my people have been through. If I can take some suffering off them myself, I have to do that as a Hero.
T: What kind of hardships, eh...?
//Twilight looks off somewhere, gears turning.
Spike: But I'd be no sort of Hero if I just took advantage of your generosity without even a thanks or repayment. So, thank you, Twilight. I really do owe you one.
//Twilight holds a hoof to her chin, thinking for a moment. A wide, warm smile appears.
T: Hah, you know, maybe you _do_ owe me something, Spike!
//Never indebt yourself to the genie, come on. What are you, an idiot?
T: Hmm, that might be a problem, though.
Spike: What? What might be a problem?
T: I just don't really know what you would owe me. Nothing's coming out recently for books, gems aren't really my thing, and I'm not desperately in need of a Hero right now.
Spike: Right now, but when the evil lich is massing his army to invade Equestria...
T: Undead aren't real; be quiet. You, a little drakeling with a sack of books and a few shiny stones, don't have much in the way of offering me. And I'm not sure what I even need...
//I scratch my leg; quarters are close enough that Twilight's fur on her leg is tickling it.
Spike: Can we save it for later?
T: ...Oh, I have _just_ the thing.
Spike: Is it something that can be saved?
T: No, I think it's best if we did it right away.
//Great, middle of the night and I have to run errands instead of sleeping.
\\Silver less than Spike less than Lead.
//What is that?
\\Density rating.
Spike: 'We'?
T: Yeah, it's a request. And since you owe me something, I'll just have you say yes.
Spike: Woo.
T: Be more excited; it'll be fun for you too!
Spike: I really want to get to sleep. It's past midnight.
T: Then it's a great time to get started on this.
//If you'd get on with it!
T: You wanted to experience some of the things that happen to dragons, right?
//Uh... yeah?
T: I've noticed, on your quests and in fights, some enemies will try to use pleasure attacks in order to weaken your resistance. It's a powerful tactic against a free drakeling, a drakeling not bound to anyone yet.
Spike: ...Yeah?
T: Against the Kelpie, you were almost a goner after three attacks. Not to mention, the Charm and Confusion spells can take advantage of your weakness of, uh, 'spirit', and though it hasn't happened yet, there may be a time in the future where you'll have to endure for a while before finding the right opening to attack.
Spike: Thanks, for the... uh, whatever this is.
//If it's possible to keep punching enemies into submission I think I'll stay with that.
T: Not to mention, your encounter a few days ago with the cultists, and getting hit with the Confusion spell--
Spike: Ugh, I knew the dragon instinct would come back to bite me--
T: --Showed me that a new problem has arisen. You don't know who you are, you know, sexually! You don't know what you like, what you dislike, what you're looking for, and I think the pent up feelings and frustrations are leaking over into other parts of your mind when you should be releasing them. And that's no way to be.
Spike: I'm fairly certain that, sexually, I'm not.
T: Spike, sex is a normal and healthy part of existence, and I want to get you to realize it. I've been thinking about this for a while, now, and, I want you...
//She hides her face behind a wave of her mane for a few seconds, still smiling. I try to move my leg, but it doesn't respond.
Spike: I'm sorry, Twilight, but are--
//The spell finishes and a leatherbound book appears on the bed, bouncing off my foot.
T: There! I know a book's probably not as exciting as you were expecting, but I want you to read it. I'll be quizzing you in a few days, so you'd better!
Spike: ...
T: It's 'Sexuality and Romance in a Multicultural Equestria', anonymously written. It's a great read, really. I'll leave you to it!
//In a puff of scentless air, Twilight disappears.
Spike: ...Crazy misleading bint...
//'Sexuality and Romance in a Multicultural Equestria', huh? Pretty thick tome. Hum, ho... back cover says it's about a group of travelers, going around the world -- okay, 'learning the love secrets of the centaur' has got to be fictional. Let's try to find that chapt--
//TWILIGHT PUT POST IT NOTES ON HER FAVORITE SECTIONS HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

C: Spike... Spike, are you listening?
Spike: No, I'm asleep. I can't wait for the part where you turn into my mother and call me a disappointment for not being a golfer who breathes fire at the caddies.
C: You may be asleep, but dream you do not. I am Celestia.
Spike: Celestia!
C: Would you please--
Spike: In the presence of Celestia herself!
C: It's not long before you wake; if we could--
Spike: Ask of me anything, Celestia; I am your servant!
//Like thunder, from everywhere booms:
C: CEASE! I am Celestia, and you are silence itself!
Spike: Okay.
C: In the time since we have last spoken, much has occurred. You have saved the life of not one but two of your kin, a feat I smile greatly upon. You have defeated enemies numerous and powerful, and for your deeds been rewarded greatly. Little pleases me more than your progress.
Spike: Honored Celestia, while my fights are Heroic and just, I feel there must be more to Heroism than happenstance opportunities if I am to become a famous champion of my people! How can I increase my reputation and become a beacon for your light?
C: Dearest drakeling, your fame and fortune will come in due time. They are fickle things, but you will find them through hard work, persistence and devotion to me.
Spike: Celestia! I understand!
C: And, quickly: given to you by your... in your possession is now a tome of worrying content. I suggest you read as little of it as is necessary. You must remain a free drakeling to forge a new future for dragonkind, and the allure of its depictions can cloud your mind. Abandon it at your earliest convenience.
//Don't read something because it can confuse me? Isn't it patronizing to suggest my convictions can be shaken by merely the existence of alternative viewpoints?
Spike: I am true and my heart is strong. It was a gift given to me by a friend, but if I must abandon it, I will.
C: If your closest gives you a poisoned apple, do you bite from it nonetheless?
//What does that have to do with anything?
C: You wake soon, I must tell you before our time is over: distrust completely the mare with--
//WHAT THE SHIT IS THAT TAPPING

//A branch tapping on the window wakes me from sleep.
Spike: Ugh, great.
//Out of simple spite I wrench open the window and burn the end of the branch off with dragonfire. A strong gust blows back in, bringing cold air all about the room and under the rough bedsheet. I pull my body closer in and try to get warm/comfortable.
Spike: Stupid stupid wind.
//It's no use. The cold wind, effort of dragonfire, and visit from Celestia have rendered me totally awake. I sit up in bed, pulling a book out.
Book: In this document are provided several differing viewpoints on circumstances, deliberate or coincidental, leading to the population concentration of dragons below the age of one and a half centuries in the two regions of Forlegsandria and the Aquinatic Mountain Range. Included in this thesis are not only possible explanations for the existence of 95% of total estimated dragon population in these two geographic locations but the existence of only 15% of estimated full dragon population over the age of 150 years in these same regions.
//I'm sure this is great but I don't want to read this right now. What's next...
Book: His thorned, flaccid--
//Nope; next book.
//Huh, this must be a gallery page. A group of people out of place, background a tribe of dark blue ponies in an unforgiving tundra. Two young full dragons and two middle-aged ponies, one of each male and one female. The picture on the opposite page is an indigenous bonding ceremony, the pair of dragons and ponies being recognized by a religious official of some sort. Next page... a dark blue stallion performs a deviant sex act on the female dragon. Charming.
//The wind picks up, whistling past the window. A full moon is out, shining on houses (hovels) and farms stretching away from the road. I put the books away, and try to get back to sleep.
Spike: ...Why does that wind sound a little too much like screaming?
//I open the window fully and stick my head out. It's no easier to hear, but something is audible on the wind, too persistent to attribute to random noise.
Spike: I swear, making me get up this time of night, it better be just a lost cat...
//I put on the cloak and walk out of the inn. A gust slams the door shut behind me.
//The gatekeeper leans with his head against the gate, drooling quietly in the chilling wind. Shacks line the street in front of me, moonlight bouncing off of pottery lined up for sale. The wind skims the rims of the pots, are they the sound I heard? The gatekeeper?
Spike: Screw your lost cat, it's cold out here.
//I open the door to the inn and walk right back to my it's locked. Damnit.
Spike: What kind of stupid, stupid dumb unintelligent door locks by default...
//I pound on the door, hoping to wake the innkeeper. Standing around for a few seconds, some simple instinct tells me to look behind me, and I do. I pound on the door again, harder.
Spike: Come on! Let me in!
//...Nothing. Stupid stupid dumb unintelligent innkeeper.
//Oh well, maybe I can ask the gatekeeper if someone has the key. I turn back to the gate.
Spike: See, no. That's not how ponies work. There is no switch you flip to make it so ponies _aren't_ anymore, I know, I've seen your anatomy.
//I swear, he was there a second ago.
Spike: Lousy innkeeper and gatekeeper and door and cold...
//The cloak protects from the worst of the wind, but the cold night air is impossible to block. I breathe on my hands to warm them up.
//The dragonfire lights up the street; a dark low something skitters past the pottery and out of sight. It looks nothing like a cat.
Spike: ...Screw this, I hope you people all get eaten by a spider clown. I'm out of here.
//I straighten my helmet and start walking briskly down the road, eyes peeled for danger. A sudden stop in the wind lets me hear a brief shout up the road, very clearly.
Spike: Hold on, I'm coming!

//Two tall, burly mares in dark suits stare up into the trees.
First Mare: Can you see her?
Second Mare: No, but she can't have gone--
FM: There she is!
Pony In Tree: Ah, crap!
//The pony in the tree has a flask filled with golden liquid around her neck, unsteadily hanging on to a small branch.
SM: Give that back! I spent a dozen days making that!
FM: You thief!
//Something tickles in my lungs and I cough, inadvertently.
//All three ponies turn their heads. The pony stuck in the tree opens her eyes wider and motions her head towards the two on the ground.
SM: A dragon?!
FM: That crook up there tried to take something from us!
Spike: Is that true?
PIT: ...I have my reasons!
Spike: Having a magpie as an otherkin does not count as reasons.
SM: Come down from there. We won't hurt you if you give it back.
PIT: Liars! Do you think me a fool?
Spike: Doesn't this town have a sheriff? Can't you call for him?
SM: ...It's a trade secret, we don't want people to know we have it.
//Am I missing something here?
Spike: It's just a potion of heal wounds...
PIT: You fools! You can't keep your infernal recipe a secret forever, just as you can't keep it a secret that you're digging up old bodies from the Valley's military graveyards!
Spike: What?!
//I take a fighting stance immediately. Petty theft and graverobbing are two different levels of evil.
SM: Ach, she knows?
FM: We can't let anyone find out. Keep her in the trees; I'll deal with the dragon.
//The First Mare stomps the ground and snorts, ready to fight!

[[SAVE LOCATION]]

FM: Oh-hoh, what is this? You look like a drakeling.
SM: A drakeling?
FM: Most certainly.
Spike: Nope, sorry; I'm actually a snake demon.
FM: Such a poor little thing, out here in the cold night. Your frail body looks freezing. Let me see if I can warm you up a little...
//The pony in the tree takes a stone from her saddlebag and puts it in a sling while the second mare is distracted.
FM: I'm good friends with many powerful people, young drakeling. I assure you there are very many positions you could find yourself in...
SM: Fumeh.
FM: I'm certain you're interested by my outfit. The suit is silk, it's amazing. What do you think would feel best gliding up against you: it? Or me? How about both?
SM: Fumeh!!
//Fumeh whips around, staring at the other pony.
FM: What, Sma?!
SM: You're supposed to choose one line before the battle starts and say it! You can't use three! It ruins the impact!

The Drakeling charges at The First Mare!
The Drakeling punches The First Mare in the right rear leg with his left hand, bruising the muscle and tearing the skin!
The Drakeling collides with The First Mare! The Drakeling bounces backwards!
//One leg on this pony is almost as big as me... maybe I should have noticed that before the fight.

FM: Hey, watch it!

The First Mare kicks at The Drakeling in the head with her left rear hoof, but The Drakeling dodges away!
//That would have clear taken my head off! Time for Atlas mode, I think... take the world up on my shoulders.

The Drakeling breathes in and focuses, casting Terrae Corpus! The Drakeling's scales become as hard as rock!

FM: Just standing there? Afraid of my muscles?

The Pony throws a basalt stone at The Second Mare with her *bat leather sling*! The spinning basalt stone strikes The Second Mare in the upper body, bruising the muscle and bruising the left true rib!

SM: Gah, my back!
FM: Help me with this one; he can burn down the damn tree when we defeat him!
SM: Right!

The Second Mare charges at The Drakeling!
The Second Mare kicks The Drakeling in the lower body with her left front hoof, chipping the scale through the bronze vestskirt!
The Second Mare collides with The Drakeling! The Drakeling is knocked over and tumbles backwards!

The Drakeling stands up.

The First Mare kicks The Drakeling in the head with her right front hoof, but the attack is deflected by The Drakeling's steel helmet!
The Drakeling counterattacks!
The Drakeling kicks The First Mare in the lower body with his right foot, bruising the muscle, bruising the guts and bruising the left kidney!

The Second Mare bites The Drakeling in the left upper arm, chipping the scale!
The Second Mare latches on firmly!
The Drakeling punches The Second Mare in the right rear leg with his right hand, bruising the muscle and bruising the bone!

The Drakeling breathes fire! But The First Mare dodges away from the flames!

The Second Mare takes The Drakeling down by the left upper arm with her teeth!
The Second Mare shakes The Drakeling around by the left upper arm and the scale tears away in her mouth!
The Drakeling breaks the grip of The Second Mare's teeth on The Drakeling's left upper arm.
SM: Ugh, it tastes like dirt! What have you been rolling around in?

The Drakeling stands up.
The Drakeling strikes The Second Mare in the head with his Dashing Rogue Punch, bruising the muscle and bruising the left eye!

The First Mare kicks at The Drakeling with her left front hoof, but The Drakeling dodges away!
The Second Mare grabs The Drakeling by the right lower leg with her right front hoof!
The Second Mare takes The Drakeling down by the right lower leg with her right front hoof!
Spike: Oof!
SM: Now stay there!
//She tripped me on my back, and my armor knocked the wind out of me. Roll away!

The Second Mare kicks The Drakeling in the left foot with her right front hoof, shattering the scale and bruising the muscle!
The Drakeling punches at The First Mare with his right hand, but The First Mare dodges away!
The First Mare grabs The Drakeling by the steel helmet with her left front hoof!
The First Mare struggles for the steel helmet! The First Mare gains possession of the steel helmet!
The First Mare drops the steel helmet.

PIT: And you call me a thief!

The Drakeling stands up.
The Second Mare charges at The Drakeling!
The Second Mare headbutts The Drakeling in the upper body, but the attack is deflected by The Drakeling's bronze vestskirt!
The Second Mare collides with The Drakeling! The Drakeling is knocked over and tumbles backwards!

//Oof, not again!
FM: You aren't going anywhere.
The First Mare grabs The Drakeling by the head with her left rear leg!
The First Mare grabs The Drakeling by the head with her right rear leg!
The Drakeling struggles in vain against the grip of The First Mare's rear legs on The Drakeling's head.

Spike: Get off of me!
FM: Ah-ah, quiet now, stay still. Wouldn't want me to have to pop your head like a ripe melon.

The Drakeling punches The First Mare in the lower body with his left hand, bruising the muscle and bruising the guts!
The First Mare squeezes The Drakeling in the head with her rear legs!

Spike: Grrrr...
//I can't escape her grip. She's not lying about the ripe melon, either.
FM: That's right. See these thighs, little dude? You'll get to know them well real soon. I've crushed a few stallion heads between these sweet things in my time, and freaky earth powers or not, a skull is a skull. Yours belongs to _me_ now.
SM: Fumeh.
FM: Oh, and shut your mouth too, drakeling. No dragonfire from you. I don't want to see it open unless you beg for mercy, or until I cover it with my--
SM: Fumeh!
FM: What, mare?!
//The Second Mare steps over my waist, licking her lips.
SM: Let me do my job, eh?

The Pony throws a basalt stone at The First Mare with her *bat leather sling*! The spinning basalt stone strikes The First Mare in the head, bruising the muscle, shattering the skull, jamming the skull through the brain and tearing apart the brain!
The First Mare has been shot and killed!

Spike: Celestia's wings!
SM: Fumeh!

The Drakeling kicks The Second Mare in the left front leg with his left knee, shattering the bone, jamming the bone through the left front knee's muscle and shattering the left front knee's bone!
The Drakeling scratches The Second Mare in the right eye with his right hand, tearing it apart!

The Second Mare collapses! The Second Mare gives into pain!
The Drakeling is pinned!

The Unknown Mares were defeated!
Spike gained 2250 experience points!
Spike is now level 14!

[[SAVE LOCATION]]

SM: My leg, I can't feel my leg...
Spike: A sensory nerve might be severed. Probably for the best.
SM: And my eye, I can't see out of it, it hurts so much...
Spike: Torn apart. Look at it like this: cool eyepatch. Eh? ...Eh?
//Blood pouring down her face, the second mare named Sma doesn't laugh.
SM: But, Fumeh, dead. Completely dead...
Spike: ...Yeah. Maybe she'll be given a burial here in the Valley, so you can go and dig her up sometime.
//Take your legs out from underneath the pony-shaped pile of muscle before insulting it, please.
Spike: Uh, would you mind?
//I gesture to my legs. Out of her one good eye, Sma stares at me.
//She tries to prop herself up with her unbroken front leg, but halfway through it gives way and she slams back down, falling further forward.
Spike: Woah woah hey wrong direction!
//The blood from her eye drips through the vestskirt onto my waist.
SM: Sorry.
Spike: Here, let me just...
//I wedge my shoulder under the second mare's broken leg and lift up with my torso. She tries to stand again.
SM: I'm sorry. About everything. About the fight, about the potions, about the bodies, about the whole damn...
//We both stand up. Sma is on three legs, trying to figure out how to balance herself in front while one leg dangles there aimlessly.
Spike: That's nice. But it shouldn't take a broken leg, a damaged eye and a dead friend to get you to realize what you're doing is wrong.
SM: I...
//Sma hangs her head.
SM: Celestia, I should have listened to Mother. She knew this shady crap wouldn't work out for me. Why is she always right?
Spike: Hindsight, 20/20. But you can make up for some of it, by telling me everything you know about your friends and whatever organization you work for.
SM: Okay. That's the deal. I'll tell you everything I know, and then, I promise, I'll disappear forever.
Spike: Er, no. You tell me everything you know, and then you go to jail for a long, long--

The Pony throws a basalt stone at The Second Mare with her *bat leather sling*! The spinning basalt stone strikes The Second Mare in the head from behind, bruising the muscle, shattering the skull, jamming the skull through the brain and tearing apart the brain!
//CELESTIA'S FUCKING WINGS!
The Second Mare has been shot and killed!

//I spit the blood out of my mouth as the pony who was in the tree jumps down.
Spike: The hell!?
PIT: Excellent, you're not wounded.
Spike: You killed her for no reason!
PIT: Nonsense. She was an evil pony, an associate of those who rob graves and abduct innocents for experimentation.
Spike: Maybe, but she wasn't dangerous! You didn't need to kill her like that!
PIT: There were no alternatives. Would you take her to the village owned by the same organization that ordered her crimes? The one with no jail to speak of, where any judge and jury would consist of her coworkers, and you expect justice?
//It's true that it would have been difficult to punish Sma if the village is really as this pony says. And a broken leg for a pony that size may as well be a death sentence... but I won't say I like her methods.
Spike: If you're going to kill someone out of convenience, at least wait until they give me the information I'm looking for.
PIT: So I should've let her fill your head with lies?
Spike: Compared to nothing at all? At least lies would give me a few leads to go on!
PIT: Thankfully, we don't have to deal with sorting through that. I've been doing research on these goons recently and I know enough about them to make my approach.
//Her approach?
Spike: That's good to know, Miss...
PIT: Pitaya Mendax. I'm a Hero.
//Oh, hey, another Hero!
Spike: Hey, me too! Spike, nice to meet you.
PIT: Charmed, Spike. We'll make a great team.
Spike: So what's our approach?
PIT: Their weird experiments are centered around the easternmost graveyard, guarded by goons like these and varied abominations.
Spike: Fight our way in, smash the setup and destroy whatever monsters they've created. Got it.
PIT: I would prefer to move northward, skirting around the edge of their patrols, taking whatever fights we could win. At some point we should be able to determine whether or not we _can_ fight our way in.
Spike: Hmm... nah.
PIT: What?
Spike: The 'can' fight our way in. If it's an option to fight evil at risk to ourselves instead of an obligation, we're not Heroes at all. I say we just go for it.
PIT: Don't be so willing to throw your life away, Hero. You need to do good deeds tomorrow as well as today.
Spike: We'll make it.
PIT: Doubtful.
Spike: If you want to stay here and get comfortable with the corpses, be my guest, but I'm leaving.
//I start walking northeast, towards the Valley's cemeteries.
PIT: Wait, this isn't going to work!
Spike: Trust me.

//The forest grows thicker as we move deeper inwards, leaves and limbs blocking moonlight from above. There is a dirt path through the trees, but the occasional dark goon on it prevents its use.
Spike: I think there's a twig stuck in your tail.
PIT: That's my sling.
Spike: No, I'm carrying your sling. Why am I carrying your sling?
//I toss the sling over her back. She grabs it with her teeth.
PIT: It must be my wand of Stupefy.
Spike: Uh, okay. I guess that's a place to hold it.
PIT: Is it red for the first seven inches with a purple tip?
Spike: The eight inches of stiffening wood hovering behind your legs?
PIT: Ah, someone finally got the joke. I had to repaint it and everything.
Spike: Nah, that's the one keeping your hair up.
PIT: Then what's the one in my tail?
//Pitaya stops walking and sits down, trying to grab her tail and drag it into the moonlight. I look around on a chill; the ground seems to vibrate at stepping intervals.
PIT: Darn, this stick is wrapped tight, it has those odd spiny balls on it.
Spike: 'Odd spiny balls'?
PIT: The ones that stick -- they're seeds, I think? I'm not a botanist. This is really in there...
//The faintest tremor leads me to look left.
//A pony, a pony-like thing shaped like a pony, stands mostly hidden by an oak. Half of its face is rotted off, teeth and skull visibly crumbling away. The edges of the missing half are covered in yellow moss, and indigo mushrooms grow out of the absence. A single vine, jutting out of the flesh next to the spine, moves back and forth above the one remaining eye, rolled back into its head.
PIT: What. Why does it smell like cinnamon.
Spike: (...So, uh, Pitaya, would you happen to know if cinnamon sticks are the primary foodstuff of plant/pony hybrid abominations?)
//Golden liquid drips from its broken mouth as it mumbles:
Grotesque Creature: Seed...
//Pitaya lifts her head and looks at the creature.
PIT: (That. It. What.)
Spike: (When you were stealing that vial of heal wounds from the strange goons, did you happen to notice anything, say, odd?)
PIT: (Not like that! I would have noticed something like that!)
Spike: (Didn't you say there were abominations protecting the cemeteries?
PIT: (I saw moving corpses with paintings on them, nothing like this!)
//The grotesque creature steps out from behind the tree and hisses, raising vines out of its back!

[[SAVE LOCATION]]

The Grotesque Creature raises several vines from its back!
The Grotesque Creature slashes at The Drakeling in the right upper arm with a vine, denting the scale!
//The vines aren't thick enough to slam with, it's just the little prickers on them that hurt. There may be a lot of them but nothing I can't deal with!

The Grotesque Creature slashes at The Pony in the upper body with a vine, tearing apart the skin!
The Grotesque Creature slashes at The Pony in the lower body with a vine, tearing apart the skin!

PIT: Kyii! That hurt!
Spike: Get back and start using the sling!

The Pony leaps backwards, away from The Grotesque Creature!

The Grotesque Creature slashes at The Drakeling in the lower body with a vine, but The Drakeling dodges away!
//Harder scales will only slow me down here, I need to stay mobile.

The Drakeling strikes The Grotesque creature in the vine with his Dashing Rogue Punch, tearing apart the dermal tissue and bruising the xylem!

The Drakeling strikes The Grotesque Creature in the vine with his Dashing Rogue Punch, tearing apart the dermal tissue, tearing apart the xylem and tearing apart the pith!
The broken part dangles uselessly!

Spike: I'm not doing much damage here! Aim for the body!
PIT: On it!

The Pony throws a basalt stone at The Grotesque Creature with her *bat leather sling*! The spinning basalt stone strikes The Grotesque Creature in the right front leg, bruising the muscle, tearing apart the roots and bruising the bone!
An artery has been opened by the attack!
//Golden liquid spills out of the open root, washing over the creature's leg. After only a moment, the root closes up on its own, and all signs of injury are gone.

PIT: That's worrisome.
Spike: Aim for the important parts, I'll try to deal with the vines!

The Drakeling bites The Grotesque Creature in the vine, and the severed part is torn away!
Spike: Gack, pttbth!
//Two pumps of thin gold drain out of the vine, some of it in my mouth; it tastes like rotting wood. The end of the vine heals over.

The Grotesque Creature grabs The Drakeling by the right upper arm with a vine!
The Grotesque Creature grabs The Drakeling by the left lower leg with a vine!

The Drakeling kicks The Grotesque Creature in the vine with his right foot, tearing apart the dermal tissue, tearing apart the xylem and bruising the pith!
The Grotesque Creature releases the grip of The Grotesque Creature's vine on The Drakeling's left lower leg.

Spike: Only four vines left!

The Grotesque Creature raises several vines from its back!
The Grotesque Creature grabs The Drakeling by the left hand with a vine!

PIT: Time to die!

The Pony throws a basalt stone at The Grotesque Creature with her *bat leather sling*! The spinning basalt stone strikes The Grotesque Creature in the upper body, bruising the muscle, shattering the right scapula, jamming the scapula through the right true ribs, shattering the right true ribs, jamming the right true ribs through the right lung and tearing apart the right lung!
The basalt stone has lodged firmly in the wound!
//That stone tore a hole into the creature's chest! Its upper body is collapsing!

GC: Seed...
//More healing liquid bleeds from the cavity in the creature's chest, and it stands upright again after only a few moments!
Spike: Even its voice is monstrous!
PIT: No! Stop being alive! You should be dead!

The Grotesque Creature grabs The Drakeling by the right foot with a vine!
The Grotesque Creature grabs The Drakeling by the left lower leg with a vine!

The Drakeling struggles for possession of The Drakeling's left hand, tearing apart the vine's dermal tissue, tearing apart the xylem and bruising the pith!
The broken part dangles uselessly!
The Drakeling gains possession of The Drakeling's left hand!

The Grotesque Creature drags The Drakeling closer with its vines!
//An oversized, white flower bulb protrudes from the creature's underside, perfectly smooth. The tips of the petals dance slightly, as if giggling. Is that what I'm being drawn to?

Spike: Aim for the vines!
PIT: Hold on!

The Grotesque Creature grabs The Drakeling by the lower body with a vine!
The Grotesque Creature grabs The Drakeling by the head with a vine!

The Drakeling bites The Grotesque Creature in the vine, and the severed part is torn away! The Grotesque Creature releases the grip of The Grotesque Creature's vine on The Drakeling's head.
The Drakeling punches The Grotesque Creature in the vine with his left hand, bruising the dermal tissue and bruising the xylem!

The Grotesque Creature drags The Drakeling closer with its vines!
//The flower bulb opens its petals, revealing a dark fleshy hole into the pony's lower body where dark fleshy holes usually aren't located. The opening drools, forming puddles of gold on the dry leaves below.

The Pony throws a basalt stone at The Grotesque Creature with her *bat leather sling*! The spinning basalt stone strikes The Grotesque Creature in the vine, and the severed part flies off in an arc!
The Grotesque Creature releases the grip of The Grotesque Creature's vine on The Drakeling's right foot.

The Grotesque Creature raises several vines from its back!
PIT: Celestia, it's like a hydra!

The Grotesque Creature drags The Drakeling closer with its vines!
The Drakeling punches The Grotesque Creature in the head with his left hand, bruising the muscle and tearing apart the indigo mushrooms!
//More gold blood covers the mushrooms and my fist, healing both of them in a matter of seconds.

//The Grotesque Creature shakes its hind legs in a rhythmic motion, muttering:
GC: Seed...
Spike: The hydra, how'd they kill the hydra?
PIT: Oh! Uh, let me think--
Spike: Kind of urgent!
PIT: Fire! Use fire!

The Drakeling breathes fire!
The Grotesque Creature releases the grip of The Grotesque Creature's vine on The Drakeling's lower body. The Grotesque Creature releases the grip of The Grotesque Creature's vine on The Drakeling's right upper arm. The Grotesque Creature releases the grip of The Grotesque Creature's vine on The Drakeling's left lower leg.
//It shields itself with the vines.
The Grotesque Creature's vines are caught in the dragonfire! The Grotesque Creature's vines are burnt down to the dermal tissue!
//The vines begin to heal in spots and patches, gold film covering the burnt plantflesh. Barely any damage...

Spike: How do I kill this thing?!
PIT: Kill it?! Who cares?! Run!!

The Pony leaps backwards, away from The Grotesque Creature! The Pony begins to gallop!

Spike: Hey, wait!

The Drakeling leaps backwards, away from The Grotesque Creature! The Drakeling begins to run!

//I have to get away from this thing!

The Grotesque Creature grabs The Tree by the trunk with a vine! The Grotesque Creature catapults itself forwards!
The Grotesque Creature charges at The Drakeling! The Grotesque Creature kicks at The Drakeling with its left rear hoof, but The Drakeling dodges away!
The Grotesque Creature rushes by The Drakeling!

//With speed like that, what am I going to do?!
Spike: Pitaya? Pitaya!
//Did she leave me to die!?

The Drakeling breathes fire!
The Grotesque Creature releases the grip of The Grotesque Creature's vine on The Tree.
The Grotesque Creature's vines are caught in the dragonfire! The Grotesque Creature's vines are burnt down to the xylem!
//The vines still look patchy, but they're healing quickly. Is fire really the answer?

The Drakeling leaps backwards, away from The Grotesque Creature!

The Grotesque Creature slashes The Drakeling in the right foot with a vine, denting the scale! The vine latches on firmly!
The Grotesque Creature slashes The Drakeling in the left foot with a vine, denting the scale! The vine latches on firmly!

The Drakeling breathes fire!
The Grotesque Creature's vines are caught in the dragonfire! The Grotesque Creature's vines are burnt down to the pith!
The Grotesque Creature's vines have been set aflame!
//Holy crap! Did I boil off that much water? Is there not enough healing liquid left?

The Grotesque Creature lifts The Drakeling in the air with its vines!
The Drakeling falls over!
//Upside down, can I even breathe fire?
The Drakeling loses the grip of The Drakeling's head on the steel helmet. The Drakeling drops the steel helmet.

The Grotesque Creature grabs The Drakeling by the throat with a vine!
The Grotesque Creature places a chokehold on The Drakeling!
//The underside bulb opens again, this time much more aggressively, looking to devour my corpse.

The Drakeling struggles in vain against the grip of The Grotesque Creature's vine on The Drakeling's throat!

The Drakeling breathes fire!
The Grotesque Creature's vines are caught in the dragonfire! The Grotesque Creature's vines are burnt to a crisp! The severed parts fall off!

The Drakeling slams into the ground!
//Koof, not again! Stupid dumb armor!
//The flaming vines snap off and fall all around, crashing into the dead leaves.

The leaves have been set aflame!
The Drakeling stands up.

The Grotesque Creature charges at The Drakeling!
The Grotesque Creature kicks The Drakeling in the upper body with its right front hoof, bruising the muscle and bruising the left floating rib through the bronze vestskirt!
The Grotesque Creature collides with The Drakeling! The Grotesque Creature bounces backwards!

//It opens its half-mouth to speak, but I decide it has nothing I want to hear.
The Drakeling breathes fire! The Grotesque Creature is caught in the dragonfire! The Grotesque Creature's mouth has been burnt to a crisp! The Grotesque Creature's indigo mushrooms have been burnt to a crisp!
//Gold dribbles over its lips but its supply is almost dry; its mouth stays burnt.

The Grotesque Creature leaps backwards, away from The Drakeling!
Spike: I won't let you run away to hurt someone else!
The Drakeling breathes fire! The Grotesque Creature is caught in the dragonfire! The Grotesque Creature's upper body is burnt to a crisp!
The Grotesque Creature has been set aflame!

The shrubbery has been set aflame!
//Didn't notice that...
//A delta of fire, spreading out from where the creature dropped its vines, has spread from the dried leaves to shrubbery and grass around the area. The flames almost rise as high as tree branches, and the heat is intense.
//...Okay, I don't feel heat. But if I did, it would be intense.

The Drakeling picks up the steel helmet.

//The creature croaks from a burnt trachea, flames licking around its body. It almost looks pitiful.
Spike: No. You attacked two people for no reason and tried to kill both of them. Ordered to or not, whether you knew better or not, you're a danger to society and I can't in good conscience let you live.
The Drakeling breathes fire! The Grotesque Creature is caught in the dragonfire! The Grotesque Creature's lower body is burnt to a crisp!
The Grotesque Creature collapses!

The Grotesque Creature was defeated!
Spike gained 2500 experience points!
Spike is now level 15!

[[SAVE LOCATION]]

//CRACK!
The small tree has been set aflame!

Spike: Oh. Damn. Uh...
//WAY TO GO, ASSHOLE, YOU STARTED A FOREST FIRE.
Spike: So, Pitaya? Any, you know, suggestions? If you're there?
//...
Spike: ...Guess not.
//The fire rages around me, and though I can't feel the flames, my cheeks feel hot. A thin branch cracks off a tree and falls to the ground on the grotesque creature's corpse. This is not a Heroic situation.
Spike: ...Twilight? Are you back yet? Please?
//Silence.
Spike: Oh man, I started a forest fire. I don't have water or magic or anything, Celestia's wings, what do I do?

The Drakeling dodges away from the falling !!small tree!! !
The !!small tree!! slams into the ground!

//RUN THE HELL AWAY BEFORE ANYONE FINDS OUT.
Spike: ...Yeah, I'll do that.