Spike: That-- that's a terrible joke!
//The inky pegasus, Linnaea, flares her wings and pulls up short.
Linnaea: Uh, what?
//Ignoring her, Boreali rises into the sky. I lose sight of her because of the rain and dark grey skies.
Spike: How does squid lead into sexual assault? I'm not seeing it. It doesn't make sense!
//Pearled eyes stare at me from a dozen feet away.
LI: ..._What_ are you talking about?
//I keep an eye on the talking twin as I search the skies.
Spike: I mean, even with my history of sexual assault I'd remember if there were any tentacles involved. (Or peeing on my face. How would that work underwater, anyway?)
//Fumbling desperately for understanding, the pony in the air grabs on to:
LI: 'History'? How often does this happen to you?
Spike: 'Far, far too'.
//Is there preparation to do before this battle gets underway? ...Touch of Grisly Terror, Fist of Justice, Blood of the Earth, Walk of the Third, Lake of Fire... I don't think I have automatic moves anymore.
\\Keep sharp, the talker is a distraction.
LI: I'm disappointed to hear that; I thought we had a niche with the whole 'sexual punishment' deal. It's our calling card.
Spike: I thought it was squid.
LI: I'm still not getting that.
Spike: Neither am I!
//Are these the types of ponies Rainbow Dash mentors? Are they this way because of it?
LI: I just want to have you know, this isn't because you're a drakeling. That would be prejudiced. We do this to all the other students as well.
\\'My crimes are indiscriminate, so they're more palatable'?
//Watch out--
The Drakeling draws power from within himself, and casts Walk of the Third!
The Elder Twin attacks The Drakeling with her Peregrine Dive!
The Drakeling leaps away from the falling Elder Twin!

//I barely made it out, even in the Third's power!
The Elder Twin strikes the ground with her Peregrine Dive!
//Boreali dives, hooves outstretched, into the mud where I stood. Immediately after finding purchase with her front hooves, she kicks down with her back legs... right where my knees would be, if she had grabbed me.
The Elder Twin's right rear hoof takes the full force of the impact, bruising the bone! The Elder Twin's left rear hoof takes the full force of the impact, bruising the bone!
\\But look at the way her body contorts, that strong a move has to hurt her legs if she doesn't hit with it!
//...Where did the younger twin go?

The Drakeling's Walk of the Third ends.
The Younger Twin charges at The Drakeling!
The Drakeling breathes fire! The Younger Twin is caught in the dragonfire! But the Younger Twin is unharmed!
//The rain and a cone of wind around her outstretched hoof shield her from the flames!
The Younger Twin strikes The Drakeling in the lower body with her Wind Drill, bruising the scale, bruising the muscle and bruising the left kidney!
The Younger Twin collides with The Drakeling! The Drakeling is knocked over and tumbles backward!
//I faceplant into the mud as Linnaea flies past and over me.

The Drakeling stands up.
BO: Don't make us do this the hard way!
LI: It's a lot simpler if you just give in!
//The pearl pegasus leaps into the air. Her kickoff wasn't that strong...
Spike: You're attacking me for no reason! Why should I surrender?!
//I see Linnaea arcing up into the air. Is their strategy switching off?
The Drakeling draws power from within himself, and casts Walk of the Third!
//Hmmm... now that I cast it a little earlier, I can already see Boreali preparing for a follow-up attack... let's subvert that.
The Younger Twin attacks The Drakeling with her Peregrine Dive!
The Drakeling draws power from within himself, and casts Lake of Fire!
//A wall of flame rises that Boreali will run right into if she charges me.
The Drakeling leaps away from the falling Younger Twin!
The Younger Twin strikes the ground with her Peregrine Dive!
Spike: It doesn't matter why you're doing this, because there is no excuse for such a vile deed.
The Drakeling strikes the mud with his Fist of Justice, and the splattered part flies up in a wave!
The Drakeling draws power from within himself, and casts Touch of Grisly Terror!

The Drakeling's Walk of the Third ends.
LI: Where did he--
The wave of mud strikes the Younger Twin in the left wing, covering it! The wave of mud strikes the Younger Twin in the right wing, covering it! The wave of mud strikes the Younger Twin in the upper body, covering it!
BO: Yaaaaagh!--
//Boreali pulls sharply up to avoid the flames, losing control for a second in the rain. I dive at Linnaea!
The Drakeling charges at the Younger Twin!
The Drakeling punches the Younger Twin in the throat with his right hand, bruising the skin and bruising the muscle! The Younger Twin's neck becomes limp and useless!
The Drakeling collides with the Younger Twin! The Drakeling bounces backwards!

//Her head hangs low. She's unable to hold it up because of the Touch, and she can't fly because of the mud on her wings. This twin, Linnaea, isn't a threat right now.
The Drakeling grabs the Younger Twin by the left rear leg with his right hand!
LI: Aaa! Stop!
The Younger Twin kicks The Drakeling in the upper body with her right rear hoof, shattering the scale, bruising the muscle and bruising the left true ribs!
//Oof!
The Drakeling takes down the Younger Twin by the left rear leg with his right hand!
//She falls into the mud!

//The rain and heavy breathing stop me from hearing where the older twin is. But she's the brightest thing in the sky, it won't be hard to find her.
The Drakeling draws power from within himself, and dismisses the fires!
LI: You can't do this to me! J-- Just because we were threatening to do it to you!
Spike: Does Rainbow Dash teach this to all her students, or are you two just really messed up? Because this isn't normal. (I mean, neither is being a Hero, but still...)
//Boreali is preparing to charge with a Wind Drill some ways behind me. I glance again to confirm.
//Half able to move her jaw, Linnaea sputters:
LI: It -- it's what happens to female Heroes when they lose. That's how the world is!
Spike: This isn't the world and you're not a Hero. You're a student, in a dojo.
//I need to defeat these two, it's evident I'm stronger than them... and since their time spent here at the dojo has taught them wrongly, it doesn't look like either of them are truly evil. All of which means I can't hurt them badly.
Spike: You will be disciplined correctly, not how you think discipline should be.
//Here's hoping the Justfist doesn't do too much damage!

The Elder Twin charges at The Drakeling!
The Drakeling strikes at the Elder Twin with his Fist of Justice! But the Elder Twin dodges away!
The Elder Twin grabs The Drakeling by the right lower leg with her right front hoof! The Elder Twin grabs The Drakeling by the right lower leg with her left front hoof!
The Elder Twin drags the Drakeling into the air!

Spike: Wyaaugh, let go of me!
The Drakeling struggles in vain against the grip of the Elder Twin's right front hoof on The Drakeling's right lower leg!
//WOW YOU ARE FUCKING PATHETIC
//Boreali laughs as she carries me by the leg up into the sky. Rain gets in my eyes and goes up my nose.
BO: Look down. What are you going to do now?
//I turn my head. 'Swings, we're almost two hundred feet up already... I wouldn't survive the fall.
Spike: Uh...
//What do I do?
//ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME
BO: Surrender. You're a strong fighter, but our training is the world's best.
Spike: If it comes from Rainbow Dash, I sincerely doubt that.
//What are my options... Touch of Grisly Terror, she drops me, Fist of Justice, the same...
BO: Linnaea, dear sister, I'm glad you're not hurt.
//Linnaea, wingfeathers mostly clear of mud, speeds up to us. We're still rising in the air.
LI: Of course not, Boreali. Your catch is not very strong.
//Of all the indignities, hanging here and being insulted...
BO: Why do you hold your head like that?
LI: A trick by this one stunned my neck.
//Boreali shakes me up and down by the leg. How can she hold on to wet feathers with hooves like that?
BO: Be grateful she can still breathe, or you wouldn't be. Why is your flying so erratic?
LI: I had to clear the mud from my wings in the bath. And I cannot see where I am flying.
//Lake of Fire, I don't see how that can help, Blood of the Earth would fry them both--
//SO GOOD FUCKING DO IT. OH WAIT, YOU NEED A CONNECTION TO SOLID GROUND, ALSO KNOWN AS ROCKS LIKE THE ONES IN YOUR MORONIC EMPTY USELESS SKULL.
BO: Would you be more stable if you had... something to hold on to?
LI: You know, my dear sister... that may very well be the case.
//Linnaea flies closer to us.

The Younger Twin grabs The Drakeling by the left upper leg with her left front leg! The Younger Twin grabs The Drakeling by the tail with her upper body!
//She bumps into my back, flinging her head over my waist!
Spike: Get away from me!
The Drakeling punches at the Younger Twin's right rear leg! But the Younger Twin is out of reach!
BO: See, this wouldn't need to happen at all if you had apologized to us earlier.
Spike: I did!
The Younger Twin grabs The Drakeling by the waist with her mouth!
//Linnaea mumbles her assent through my waist.

The Younger Twin assaults The Drakeling with her mouth! The Drakeling's resistance is lowered!

Spike: Gyuh! Stop it!
//Screw holding back! I have to do something or I'll end up a brainwashed zombie!
//LIKE YOU AREN'T ALREADY
The Drakeling draws power from within himself, but the spell is disrupted!
//What?!
BO: I'll have you know I'm a mare of my word. I'm looking forward to when we get back to the ground.
\\Concentrate and focus as much as you can. The longer this goes on, the less chance you'll break out of it.
//Rain pours off Linnaea's bangs and onto my stomach.

The Younger Twin assaults The Drakeling with her mouth! The Drakeling's resistance is lowered further!

The Drakeling struggles in vain against the grip of the Elder Twin's front right hoof on The Drakeling's right lower leg!
BO: My, my, what a feisty one...
LI: Mmmmm mm m mmmmmm mmmm!
//Don't do that!
Spike: Time to end this!
The Drakeling draws power from within himself, and casts Walk of the Third!

//Okay, okay, now we're not being assaulted and there's enough time to think. We're stuck high up in the air with two pegasi who want to assault us. What now?
//WHAT WAS THE FIRST FUCKING THING I DID FOR YOUR SORRY ASS
//Insult me?
//OTHER THAN THAT, SHITHEAD.
//...Right, the Third! I can glide to the ground with it!
\\That would just mean they do this tactic again, until you're out of it, like with Rainbow Dash. Take them out now.

The Drakeling draws power from within himself, and casts Touch of Grisly Terror!
The Drakeling touches the Elder Twin in the right front hoof with his right lower leg! The Drakeling touches the Elder Twin in the left front hoof with his right lower leg! They become limp and useless!
The Drakeling touches the Younger Twin in the left front leg with his left upper leg! The Drakeling touches the Younger Twin in the upper body with his tail! The Drakeling touches the Younger Twin in the mouth with his waist! They become limp and useless!
//Right! No more assault. But if I can stop them from flying...
//I try to pull myself up to grab Boreali's hoof. My stomach muscles scream in pain, but I do it anyway and climb halfway up her.

The Drakeling grabs the Elder Twin by the right wing with his right hand!
The Drakeling grabs the Younger Twin by the left wing with his first toe, left foot!
//Not the most graceful, but it'll work.
The Drakeling draws power from within himself, and casts Touch of Grisly Terror!
The Drakeling touches the Elder Twin in the right wing with his right hand! It becomes limp and useless!
The Drakeling touches the Younger Twin in the left wing with his first toe, left foot! It becomes limp and useless!
The Drakeling's Walk of the Third ends.
BO: Wh-- aaaaah!
LI: Nnnn nn nnnnn!
The Twins release their grips on The Drakeling!
The Drakeling releases his grip on The Twins!
//We start dropping out of the sky!

BO: What did you do? _What did you do_?!
The Elder Twin kicks The Drakeling in the head with her left rear hoof, bruising the muscle and bruising the jaw!
Spike: You idiot, stop! We're falling!
LI: NnnnnnnnnnnnN!
BO: Why doesn't my wing work?!
//The wind from falling starts to whip the end of my tail painfully, and stings my cheeks.
Spike: I paralyzed it! Give me your hoof! We don't have much time!
BO: You're trying to kill us!
Spike: I'm trying the opposite!
//Falling as fast as the rain now, it's only a few seconds to the ground--
BO: There's no soft ground for miles out, we're going to die!
Spike: You dense bint--
The Drakeling grabs the Elder Twin by the left front hoof with his left hand!
The Drakeling grabs the Younger Twin by the right rear hoof with his right hand!

The Drakeling draws power from within himself, and casts Walk of the Third!
//Even as time slows, the body weight of Boreali and Linnaea drags me down. The Third force pushing me up against it makes my shoulders want to pop, but through the wet fur I squeeze tighter and hold on. Trees and slopes get a lot closer, the landscape much less bird's-eye-view.
//I won't lie and tell you we barely make it by a hair. I stop at a fifteen-foot drop into mud, and can't figure out how to descend.
The Drakeling's Walk of the Third ends.

The Elder Twin slams into the ground!
The Younger Twin slams into the ground!
The Drakeling slams into the ground!
//SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT!
//I sit up first. It looks like the twins are going to be okay; they're blinking and moving the limbs that still work. I'm covered in mud, wet to the core, almost defeated or killed by my own selflessness, delayed from my real quest over a stupid misunder--...
The Drakeling stands up.
\\...What is that noise?
//Twenty yards ahead of us, hovering next to my bag, the bright blue Avatar of Speed slowly claps her front hooves together.

The Student Twins were defeated!
Spike earned 15000 experience points!
Spike is now level 33!

[[SAVE LOCATION]]
//...This crazy bint is here again.

Spike: Slow clapping.
//I wasn't aware people really did that.
//On spotting their sensei, the twins around me hurriedly try to stand up.
Rainbow Dash: Don't bother. You two lost pretty hard up there.
BO: S-Sensei, I--
RBD: I knew it had to be Spike. Your style is all over this fight.
//I COUNT TWO PEOPLE ALIVE AND ZERO TREES BURNT DOWN HOW THE FUCK IS SHE DECIDING THAT
Spike: (Did they just call her a squid?)
//Twilight sighs.
Spike: Of all people you've had the most firsthand experience.
RBD: So, Spike, how've you been? Haven't seen you in a while.
Spike: Yeah, what was it last time? Oh, right, you tried to kill and/or enslave me outside Mountainville. Which is funny, because you tried the same thing in the Aquinatics a month or so before that. Hey, do you remember the time we first met in Forlegsandria?
//Three is a big enough sample size to establish a clear pattern.
RBD: Okay, sheesh, I get it! All that stuff was, like, a million years ago. Things have changed.
Spike: Like what?!
//I step out of the mud and scrape my feet against a tree root.
RBD: You're a Hero now.
Spike: I was always a Hero!
//Rainbow Dash rolls her eyes.
T: (I think she's talking about the Aquinatic Treaty.)
RBD: You were always a wannabe. Now, you've done something. You've proven you can be trusted with the power you have.
Spike: If you're the one to decide who's trusted with power, why do you let these two assault people for nonexistent slights?
//The twins groan, still laying down in the mud. Rainbow Dash looks over them, disappointed.
RBD: Again? You girls have _serious_ problems.
Spike: I'll say. Especially with that squid thing.
//Not too much of a surprise to learn someone in this world is reasonable about this sort of thing. Very surprised that it happens to be Rainbow Dash.
RBD: Squid thing? ...I get the feeling I don't want to know.
//Wind picks up, coming from the south. It drives the rain against the tree next to me. Rainbow Dash looks me up and down. On a whim, so do I.
//I'm covered in mud, soaked to the core, half of my scalefeathers are shattered or chipped, my shoulders and my head both ache, my claws... oh. Guess I held on a little tight; my claws are bloody. I'm in no way for a fight right now, doubly so after I used so many moves against the twins.
RBD: Wow, are you ever not a mess?
T: (The queen of tact, mares and gentlestallions...)
//SORRY, I DON'T RUN AWAY FROM BATTLES WHEN IT'LL CHIP A HOOF.
Spike: ...Sorry.
//Rainbow Dash grabs my bag in her mouth and tosses it to me. I hold it over my head against the rain.
RBD: I mean, a Hero's gotta do what a Hero's gotta do, but some days you have to look good or people won't take you seriously.
T: (She's not wrong. For example, when was the last time you had a bath?)
Spike: (Yesterday, actually, it was a bubble bath.)
T: (Really? 'Cause you smell like--)
Spike: You don't take me seriously anyway, why should I bother?
RBD: Hey, that's not true.
Spike: Oh really? So what's happened every single time we've met so far?
T: (Besides a deus ex machina saving your butt?)
//I still don't understand how Twilight isn't outlined by the rain...
RBD: ...Listen, I don't need a lecture on my own rash behavior in the past. I'm not here to fight you this time. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth!
Spike: You're not here to fight? ...
//The reason I came here was to convince Rainbow Dash not to assault me from now on. Is that already so?
//Rainbow Dash nods. Suddenly I find it strange we're having this conversation at fifty paces, then it fades as I remember our history.
RBD: Well, duh. We only fight if you fail the test, or, if you decide you want to lose.
Spike: Test? What test?
//Seconds pass as Rainbow Dash looks at me.
RBD: For the Element of Loyalty, duh! Why else would you be here?
//...Oh, right. She thinks that's still what I'm doing. Hah.
Spike: I, uh... I came here to convince you to stop attacking me.
//Rainbow Dash rolls her eyes.
RBD: That's not a thing! Those were three isolated incidents! It's not a pattern! (And at _least_ two of those were totally justified...)
Spike: Why don't I believe you?!
RBD: Hey, am I the one looking angry and shouting? Calm down already!
//Suddenly I realize all this time I've been in a fighting stance... I guess body language really does tell the truth.
Spike: ...Fine. What are you going to do about these two?
//The twins are standing up now, leaning against each other. With the mud and the rain and the wind... they look cold.
RBD: Dunno. But I figure I have some time to think of punishment while they walk back to the dojo.
//Finally in control of her tongue, the ink pony mumbles:
LI: Walk, Sensei...?
RBD: Don't let me catch you flying.
//The elder twin, Boreali, shuts her eyes. It really is a long walk up the mountain to the dojo, but maybe I'll enjoy the company.
T: (Huh. Not 'don't fly', but 'don't get caught'... I suppose that is a lesson to teach someone who wants to be a Hero.)
RBD: So, what now?
Spike: I, uh, mentioned how you were constantly attacking me?
//Rainbow Dash rolls her eyes and snorts.
RBD: _No_, _never_.
Spike: I'm planning an important journey after all this is over, and I don't want to look over my shoulder every step of the way just to make sure nothing is chasing me.
RBD: 'All over'?
//After talking about it with Na-Mira... the Thirty are a threat to existence, life, and civilization as we know it. As a Hero, I can't accept that. Destroying them won't bring back anyone who was killed, but if I can prevent more people from dying--
Spike: After I talk to Hazel, I want her and your help chasing down the Thirty.
//Stunned silence and narrowed eyes. The twins start walking up the mountain, heads hanging low.
Spike: So?
T: (...It's best to dream big?)
RBD: ...You need _some_ sort of help.
Spike: I'm a Hero! This entire goddess-damned time I've been doing things which are by any reasonable definition strictly impossible; the laws of statistics have either decided to bend over backwards for me or never existed! My _life_ is doing things that will most likely kill me, as long as they're the right thing to do!
RBD: You don't _get_ it; they're not _enemies_ to people like us. They're forces of nature! You can't defeat the gods themselves!
//I CAN AND I WILL
Spike: I can and I will!
//Rainbow Dash stands still in the downpour, wet mane clinging to her forehead and nose. I shift the bag over my head and a pool of water dumps down my arm.
RBD: ...I'll train you. But no promises.
Spike: You mean, besides the--
RBD: Yes! I get it, okay?!
//The Avatar of Speed is beside me before I know it. Water bounces off her back onto my stomach.
//Quine trained me for a month or so. But more wouldn't be bad... maybe I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth.
RBD: I'll set up the test, too. If you really want to do this, you should see Princess Hazel.
Spike: I was planning on it.
//I still need to convince her to pass equality legislation and offer reparations to dragons unfairly hurt. There's no sense defending somewhere if it's not a place you want to come back to.
RBD: Hop on; I'll fly you to the top.
Spike: Is the test up there?
//A dragon could hope for sunnier weather.
RBD: Nah, that won't be set up for another few days with how Twilight has me running around. Thanks and all for solving the Aquinatic Conflict, but seriously... it's a lot of work. The dojo has extra space, you'll be fine.
//I use the tree to hop on her back, and she gets ready to take off.
RBD: Ready?
//I think of something and suddenly laugh.
RBD: Huh? What's so funny?
Spike: Hahaha, I just thought of what I'm going to tell Twilight.
RBD: Yeah?
T: (What are you going to tell me?)
Spike: 'I met up with Rainbow Dash, and this time, _I_ was the one on top of _her_!'
//Rainbow Dash almost can't take off from laughing so hard.

//On the flight to her dojo, Rainbow Dash suddenly pulls up. Rain blasts us.
Spike: What are you doing?!
//I cover my face with an arm. She's rising straight towards the clouds.
RBD: I just thought of something!
//Well unthink of it!
Spike: Was it all just a lie to get me up here?!
//I don't know if I can fight Rainbow Dash this high up in the sky on her back...
RBD: Hey! What do you take me for?
Spike: Someone who attacked me three times!
//She speeds up. We're miles above the surrounding desert now, flying higher. Out of necessity I lay flat on her back to avoid the rain, like bullets.
RBD: 'Swings, quit being such a baby!
//The clouds above us are rapidly approaching. In five seconds I won't be able to see anything, I have to do something!
Spike: It's not -- pthoo --
//Her hair gets in my mouth.
//Wind and rain drive my limbs down, lock them in place. The rapid motion means I can't even breathe fire. If Rainbow Dash has a technique to assault me at these velocities, there's really nothing I can do.
//A thick layer of cloud drenches us as we punch through it, leaving a hole which quickly fills in.
RBD: Pretty cool, huh?
//She stops rising. Above the clouds, the sun beams down from a bright blue sky. A white topmost layer of cloud dominates the landscape until the horizon hits, a strange solar effect of stray pink and orange. With the yellow sun, it's a five-color world.
//We bob up and down, looking at the scenery. It's breathtaking. My feathers start to dry.
RBD: Thought you'd like it. Nopony's been up this high since Cloudsdale.
//Maybe it's the altitude (or the trauma my lungs went through on that ascent), but I find it hard to squeak out anything.
Spike: Cloudsdale?
RBD: Pegasus city in the sky. It... sank.
T: (Celestia had enchanted the clouds to support weight.)
//How-- what-- she's all the way--
RBD: But that's okay. Coming up here reminds me of something.
//An entire pegasus city lived on the clouds? I find that hard to believe. It's also hard to believe Celestia would let an entire city crumble to the ground...
Spike: What?
//Rainbow Dash points at the sun. Her mane is starting to dry.
RBD: There's always sun behind the rainclouds.

[[SAVE LOCATION]]

Training Assistant: Do you understand the Challenge?
Spike: Uh, no. No I do not.
TA: What don't you understand about it?
Spike: The part where you hit me with a tree trunk.
//A dry spot underneath one of the mountain cliffs. How the ponies managed to tie up a logged tree trunk with rope to another pair of trees and make a complex mechanism for it to swing and reset... is beyond me. It would take magic, or hands, and there are only pegasi or earth ponies here.
TA: This Challenge is designed to test your ability to take a hit and recover. Since anyone would be a fool to try to brace themselves, you have to take the hit and get back up quickly.
Spike: But score's measured in distance.
TA: Right, the time it takes you to stand is penalized in feet.
Spike: So you're saying, the closer to my original position I am, the better my score?
//The frail pegasus puts his hoof on the lever.
TA: Yes. Are you ready?
//Well this is easy.
Spike: Hit me.
The Training Assistant triggers the +gabbro mechanism+!
The log trap swings towards The Drakeling!
The Drakeling draws power from within himself, and casts Blood of the Earth!
Snaking through the dirt, streams of magma flow around The Drakeling's scales and into his veins!
The log trap strikes The Drakeling!
//Momentum pushes the entire log into me as it incinerates, letting off a steam hiss and a flurry of ash that piles in front of me. The ropes of the mechanism catch fire, and grass around me shrivels from the proximity.
The Drakeling's Blood of the Earth ends.
//Glad I can do that on command.
//I look down at my feet. Haven't exactly moved, in the usual sense of the word, but the orange glow is fading.
Spike: So I guess that's a pretty good score.
//The pegasus has a look on his face that is a mixture of regret and terror.
Spike: Got anything to eat?

//The Avatar of Speed plays Strategy dizzyingly fast to disguise the fact she's not that great at it. Why is this her training?
Rainbow Dash: You destroyed the Challenge? Go!
//I turn the clock over and move my pieces to defend.
Spike: In more than one sense. Go!
//She flips the clock and starts surrounding one of my bases.
RBD: That took us six weeks to make! Go!
//I take a decent trade with one hand and flip the clock with the other.
Spike: Maybe it shouldn't have been vulnerable to magma! Go!
//Damn it, I didn't even notice those units harassing my other base, she moved them too quickly...
RBD: What kind of featherbrained comment is that? Go!
//I can't divide up my forces or I'll lose the westward expansion, this quick pace is really taking its toll. Reinforcements can take care of my main operations.
Spike: Why do you play this fast? Go!
//She destroys even more with a small harassment group and sends units to a third location, easily stalling my counterattack.
RBD: In combat you have to make snap decisions. Go!
//My reinforcements, they aren't -- damnit I forgot to make them! Supply lines will crumble by the time it takes to make them!
Spike: So why aren't we fighting? Go!
//Rainbow Dash crushes the counterattack and finishes any remnant of hope for the center of operations. My reinforcements will arrive to a dead shell of a base.
RBD: The Challenges are for your body, I train your mind! Go!
//Looking for something to roll my way, I push out with my army on the west. That's not the kind of trade I need...
Spike: Rainbow Dash teaching people how to think? Go!
//With little hesitation all the troops on the west are crushed.
RBD: Hey! If there's one thing I understand, it's fighting!
//I look over my situation and then concede the game. That's another...
Spike: ...Well, I also need information about the Thirty, and potential allies. Can I ask you a few questions?
//Starting with: could you not slobber on the timepiece?

Training Assistant: I'm going to ask you not to destroy this Challenge.
Spike: Right.
TA: 'Specially because this Challenge is a person.
//There's an advanced student standing in the middle of a dirt circle. Mud circle, it's always raining here. He has an apple on his head, eyes closed and wings out.
Spike: Yeah, I got that. Do I aim for the apple?
//I'm not sure fire breath is that accurate, if just by nature of it being fire.
TA: Take the apple off his head without him kicking you. The key is to be stealthy and quiet at first, then quick.
//Right, this will be easy. Guess these tests aren't meant for someone like me.
Spike: Cool, let's do it.
TA: Stand outside the circle. When I say 'go', grab the apple. If you make it out, I'll stop the timer and we'll figure out your score.
Spike: Shorter time is better score?
TA: Right. Go!
The Drakeling draws power from within himself, and casts Walk of the Third!
//Stopped in time and undetectable, the best of both worlds.
The Drakeling leaps towards the Advanced Student!
The Drakeling picks up the apple.
//I burble his lips just to be silly.
The Drakeling leaps away from the Advanced Student!
//Out of the circle, I take the timer out of the Training Assistant's mouth, put the apple there, and put the full timer on the ground.
The Drakeling's Walk of the Third ends.
TA: Mmhp-haaa!
//He spits the apple out and the pegasus kicks. I point to the full timer.
Spike: Spitting out food is rude, you know.

//Rainbow Dash's quarters in the dojo are very sparse. It looks like she doesn't spend a lot of time here.
Spike: Is this the only place we can play Strategy?
//I'm still stewing in the dismay of my last loss. It's terrible, because I know exactly what I should have done, and why I shouldn't have done what I did. But the game's being played too fast.
RBD: The students are sleeping, it's after midnight.
Spike: Sleep? Bah, who needs it!
//She swipes the board with a leg and starts preparing for another game.
RBD: Heh-heh, heroism does weird things to your sleep schedule.
//Twilight must really have Rainbow Dash flying hard doing Aquinatic cleanup. When she gets back to the dojo each night, the Avatar of Speed slowly ambles.
Spike: And your head. Here's a question: why are all the Avatars messed up?
T: (They're not that bad.)
//NOT COMPARED TO YOU
//Rainbow Dash puts her starting pieces on the board. I think she just scatters them randomly...
RBD: Good question. Who first?
//I put my pieces on the board. This is the only time in the entire game I get to spend time to think, so I do.
Spike: Let's say... Fluttershy.
RBD: Fluttershy, okay...
//She leans her head to the side and stares off into blankness, trying to remember. Well, technically she's staring at my knee, but that's just the angle.
Spike: She said a person could choose two of Hero, helping others, and health. My test was to give up Heroism.
//Rainbow Dash chooses her words carefully. Since it's a first for her, I stay patient.
RBD: Fluttershy, like all of us, was given tasks to complete after the disappearance of Princess Celestia. Sixty percent of the time, the tasks were obviously for the benefit of Equestrians, but... the last time Fluttershy followed orders, it was one of those forty percent. And people got hurt that didn't need to get hurt.
//RBD: ...Take any Cavalry officer and give 'em a choice: left, orphanage starting to burn, ahead, mission objective. They wouldn't do the right thing unless they were ordered to do it!
Spike: Was she at the Fall of the Crystal Empire?
RBD: ...No.
//She clams up for a while as we get the game going. Eventually, I ask:
Spike: Fluttershy's still an Avatar, though? Go!
//Rainbow Dash takes time to contemplate an answer. Hey, maybe she won't get to all her units!
RBD: She's unofficial. Could you imagine 'Avatar of Temptation' on the taxpayer rolls? She takes suggestions from Twilight if she agrees, not -- darn it! Go!
//Hah!

//I'm standing in the rain waiting for the Training Assistant to start. I think he just doesn't like me.
TA: A reminder that bodily assaulting me during this Challenge will be grounds for failure.
Spike: 'Swings, it was an apple. Sorry already.
//He harrumphs, in the warm, dry cave.
TA: In this test, your goal is to stop the fire on the wick from reaching the hay. Do that by--
Spike: Yeah I'm not going to have trouble with this.
//He points at the sheet of paper.
TA: Would you _mind_, I'd like to _read_. Ahem. Do that by destroying the sealed clay container and recovering the key inside to unlock the cave's gate.
//The cave has a chicken-wire grid preventing access, with a heavy wood door in the middle. My scales could probably take the wire, if even that were necessary. Inside, the wick is already lit, slowly advancing towards the hay.
TA: Score is measured in inches of wick burnt. And with the signal from Tony, you can go ahead and--
//The stallion inside the cave claps a hoof on the floor.
TA: --destroy the credible reputation I--
The Drakeling draws power from within himself, and casts Lake of Fire!
//Through the grid I light the next millimeter of wick on fire! It shrivels instantly!
Tony jumps away from the flames!
The Drakeling draws power from within himself, and dismisses the fires!
//The embers of the wick fade in a second, connected to nothing, no more to burn.
//The Training Assistant glares at me.
Spike: Oh, sorry. Did I interrupt?

Spike: So what's the deal with Pinkie Pie?
//Rainbow Dash, watching as I roll a boulder up the mountain (more 'Hero mental training'), snorts.
RBD: 'Deal'? Even if it's a bargain you wouldn't be able to afford it.
Spike: Wh--
//I slip in the mud and the boulder starts rolling back. It gets past me and speeds on down the mountain.
//Sigh.
Spike: First, I meant 'issue'. And second, she really does that?
T: (Of course not. It's just an extremely overpriced sign of solidarity.)
RBD: Pinkie Pie's a hoot. She's hyper, always bouncing off the walls and being kooky. She never stops smiling and laughing and talking.
//I watch the boulder roll into a tree and stop. It's far down, but my pride won't let me give up.
Spike: Uh, yeah, I've met Pinkie Pie. So?
RBD: It's the same reason you don't quit moving during a snowstorm. If you stop, you'll die.
//...It might be all the physical exertion but I'm too tired to comprehend metaphor right now.
Spike: I don't get it.
//Rainbow Dash launches into the air from a tree, shaking water to the ground.
RBD: Pinkie Pie got serious when Princess Celestia left. Too serious. A person has to take care of themselves mentally, even a Hero, and she forgot that for a little too long. She almost went right over the edge, and by that point... it was a wonder we were still willing to catch her.
Spike: ...It sounds like she wasn't strong enough.
RBD: The world's dangerous. Everyone gets that. But good people can't throw themselves on spears to fix it.
//T: ...In the end, you're the one most responsible for the happiness of you.
Spike: Did she see the Thirty?
RBD: ...The Battle of Stalliongrad pinned her down.

TA: Alright!
//At the end of his patience, the training assistant talks from inside the cave. It's the same as the previous Challenge, but he's sealed off the chicken wire by putting wooden boards in front of it. I don't have line of sight to the fire anymore.
TA: You know the Challenge. Go!
//He slams the door shut from the inside. Rather rude...
//I turn to the sealed pot. It looks like it has a very thick layer of glaze all around... fire wouldn't break it. If I were a pegasus, I could fly it up high and drop it... what would an earth pony do? Pin it against a tree and kick it?
The Drakeling picks up the *clay pot*.
//I carry it a little ways (it's heavier than it looks, and the rain on the glaze makes it slippery) and slam it on a rock!
The *clay pot* slams into the ground!
The *clay pot* bounces off the ground!
//Huh, only a slight scratch, this is a tough container...
//From behind me, I hear a cough.
Spike: Yeah, yeah, I'm getting on it. No need to be a prick--
//Hold on, that's a coughing fit. I turn around.
\\He sealed himself in the cave entirely, the idiot!
Spike: What, are you crazy? Get out of there!
//The smoke will consume all the oxygen in the closed space, or he'll be burnt!
//I run towards the wall to pound on the door!
Spike: Are you okay? Talk to me!
//All I hear from the other side is wheezing. Who knew wicks gave off this much smoke?
//LET THE BASTARD SUFFER HIS OWN MISTAKES JUST GET THE FUCKING POINTS
Spike: Even if someone is in trouble due to their own actions they shouldn't be denied help from others.
The Drakeling strikes the wooden door in the handle with his Fist of Justice, and the severed part flies off in an arc!
//The door flies open, pushing me back, as the assistant rushes out of the cave. A cloud of smoke follows him.
Spike: Celestia, what happened?
//The bale of hay is on fire. So is the wick, at the opposite end of the cave. I don't get it.
T: (Huh, it looks rained on. Must have been a wet hay fire.)
Spike: (That's dumb. It's wet, how could the hay catch fire?)
T: (Agricultural science isn't my field. But there's plenty of empirical evidence.)
//There's more evidence of important ponies tricking me from what I know. Who would want the hay to be on fire...?

Spike: Applejack? Go!
//I'm finally getting the hang of Strategy at this speed. Trusting my instincts, I'm breaking even.
RBD: Needs a promotion to pay grade O, if you get me. Go!
//Though that doesn't mean the games are even, just the results. This speed causes huge variance.
Spike: Uh... no? Go!
//Rainbow Dash chooses to send her troops into terrible position. It's a simple trap, but at these speeds even a simple trap works.
RBD: As in, 'needs dude badly'. Go!
//I mop up her forces without trouble.
Spike: I don't think 'get laid more' is an answer to many people's emotional turmoil, especially her. Go!
//Playing a losing game, Rainbow Dash speeds up even faster. I try to keep calm myself since she's trying to rush me.
RBD: Applejack's problem is she sees the world as too black and white. Go!
//That's not far off from how she thinks, if what I know of her is true.
Spike: How is that connected to her boy problems? Go!
//I've basically won at this point, but there's no reason to get cocky now.
RBD: She went after -- killed, that is -- a terror of a dragon after the disappearance. Good game, nice job.
//She gets out a cloth to clean the timer and I clear the game board.
RBD: When she heard reports his family was coming to the area, she thought it was for revenge. To protect them, Applejack disowned her family and had them forcibly relocated, scattered all over Equestria. Turns out the dragons were there to get the body, have a burial, and mourn.
//...Even evil people have family, and rituals that comfort them. It's a shame they had to get hurt, but if he was so vile, maybe it's... the world isn't a black and white place.
Spike: At the risk of repeating myself--
//Rainbow Dash holds up a hoof and rolls her eyes.
RBD: Hold your horses! Getting to it. Some ponies, more traditional ones, think the end goal of, y'know, 'taming the fifth leg' is to continue the family line. If you're disconnected from your family 'cause of your own mistakes, why bother?
Spike: Especially if you think someone is going to threaten your family to get to you.
//If you're looking for enemies everywhere, you'll find them.
RBD: Exactly. New game?
Spike: Sure. Was Applejack at the Fall?
//I place my pieces again. A sudden feeling of deja-vu hits me.
RBD: ...There wasn't much an earth pony like her could have done.

Spike: You know, I'm going to go on record and say I have major concerns about this Challenge's fitness.
TA: Uh-huh.
Spike: I think it's the flying. Yeah, it's probably the flying.
//A pegasus (another assistant) and I are standing five feet from each other, in launch position. His target is a line in the mud sixty feet ahead of us, watched by the Training Assistant. My target is him.
TA: This Challenge has been set up by the rules and we're going to execute it by the rules, understand?
Spike: I'd like to lodge a complaint with whoever made those rules.
TA: Duly noted, by which I mean _cram it_. Do you understand the Challenge?
Spike: Yeah, yeah, I have to stop him from reaching the finish line for as long as possible.
TA: That's right. Score's measured in time delayed.
Spike: Could we get going already? My neck's getting tired.
TA: Go!
//The pegasus launches off the tree, speeding along the ground with the help of his wings. I decide to stand up and watch him.
//He crosses the finish line with no delay.
//Snottily, the Training Assistant asks:
TA: I asked if you understood the rules. What happened?
//What happened is I completed each Challenge by using a different one of my moves, and with the strange hay fire of the last challenge I don't want to show all of my cards too early. In the event I do have to fight Rainbow Dash, I'm keeping Touch of Grisly Terror hidden, since not even Twilight knew about it.
Spike: There's no reason for me to get points anymore.
TA: It's not about the points! It's about the training!
Spike: What, for me to overwork to complete a Challenge which will be nothing like any real-life scenario I ever encounter?
//As the assistant grumbles, a bright spot in the rain zips closer with astounding speed. Before he can think of something to say, Rainbow Dash is on the premises.
RBD: Hey, Spike. Hey Tarro.
Spike: Hey.
TA: Hello, Sensei.
//He starts rubbing out the finish line with a hoof, and dismisses the other pegasus.
RBD: Wait, did you actually fail a test? The Hero of the Land lost at something?
//She gasps in mock horror.
Spike: There was no incentive for me to try.
RBD: What's that supposed to mean?
//She swoops closer, hovering above my shoulder. Rain bounces off her onto me.
Spike: I can beat all these trials. It's not increasing my skills; it's measuring them. This is a waste of time.
TA: Thank the skies.
//He gathers his (soggy) notebook and trots off, probably going to breakfast. I think my existence put him in a bad mood.
RBD: Someone like you doesn't wander in every day.
Spike: Could you get the test set up? I think I'm done with your mental training, too.
RBD: You're just starting to be quick--
Spike: That's crap and you know it; I only tolerated Strategy so I could ask you who else knows about the Thirty and now the pattern's pretty clear.
T: (You still haven't asked about me.)
RBD: Twilight would know more.
Spike: ...Twilight does what she wants. All I can do is ask for her help. Knowing what happened doesn't change that.
//The dragon instinct revealed Twilight was responsible for the Fall in Longbridge. And Na-Mira confirmed it, if I remember right. I don't want to make her re-live that by asking Rainbow Dash about it.
//Starting up the mountain to the dojo, I nod at Rainbow Dash.
Spike: And, I mean, you? Kind of obvious.
RBD: Oh, come on.
Spike: I mean it, I do. Completely transparent, couldn't fool a filly.
//Rainbow Dash chuckles and flies in front of me, spraying water everywhere.
RBD: Fine! Humor me, then.
//The dragon instinct and Na-Mira's information, along with Rainbow Dash's own reactions, have given me enough to put the pieces together.
Spike: You were charged with helping the Crystal ponies however possible after the disappearance. But then, their trust and love was shattered and the barriers fell. When the Thirty attacked, you decided to abandon them instead of helping anyone else get out alive.
//RBD: _Heroes don't make mistakes_! You decided that your life was more valuable than the lives of over two dozen others!
Spike: Which is why you yelled at me for doing the same thing, in the Valley. I made a decision that took the lives of others to save myself. My own ignorance and lack of power caused the death of twenty-seven people...
//And the livelihoods of so many others were lost. An entire biome was destroyed, millions of bits of damage done. Everything I've done so far hasn't yet paid back that loss.
Spike: But that's the difference between you and me... I made a mistake. You _chose_ to let others die. Which led you here, training Heroes.
//I walk past Rainbow Dash, flapping an inch from the ground.
Spike: Because those who can't do, teach.
T: (Spike, Rainbow Dash is your friend! Don't be cruel to her!)
Spike: (What kind of friend attacks you physically?)
//Rainbow Dash is staying where she is, silent. I don't know if I'll make it to the dojo by dawn, why is breakfast served early here...
T: (...You also never asked about Rarity.)
Spike: (I can see the pattern. No one was there but you two.)
//Just like Na-Mira said. Besides Twilight's brother, for some reason.
//I climb a tree, hoping to take a shortcut on this north side of the mountain. The cliffs here are steeper.
T: (...Your sample size is three.)
//Rainbow Dash speeds next to the branch I'm walking on, and I almost fall off.
RBD: And how about your _wife_, huh? Maybe you'd like to know a little something about _her_?
Spike: Not really; she is by all accounts whiny and useless.
//I jump off the tree, and catch the cliff edge with my stomach. No one helps me up.
Spike: She lost her husband and paid immortality ticket. Now she has to deal with not only dying, but dying alone. Better to leave her be, right?
//Angry huffs come from both Twilight and Rainbow Dash.
T: (Spike! Have some respect!)
RBD: What?! You self-centered featherbrain!
//She kicks in the air, getting madder.
RBD: Sweet Celestia, you think everything is about you! That pony was _killed_, three times, defending a world where your sorry tail could _be_ a house husband! You don't think _dying_ leaves a scar?
Spike: ...Dying?
//The Avatar of Speed sticks her face in mine, spitting venom.
RBD: Rarity's entourage watched her mangled guts fall from Canterlot Castle! I saw her crushed under sixty thousand tons of molten crystal! _She woke up at her funeral and saw her family walk out on her for having a dragon mate_. And what did she do? She went right back to work!!
//To be honest, I don't really know how the phoenician drake immortality works. Did that all happen?
RBD: You think _you_, of everything that's happened, is going to break her? Get lost!
\\That snarl could shatter the courage of warlords, if it weren't accompanied by her high-pitched squeak.
//'Crushed under molten crystal', so she was in the Crystal Empire...
RBD: You know what? Until you can be as strong a Hero as that, you shouldn't even talk about her. In fact, you just probably shouldn't talk to me at all.
//Rainbow Dash launches into the air, knocking me back. She stops, turns, and extends one front hoof for me to grab.
RBD: The test is ready. Let's go.
//...

[[SAVE LOCATION]]

//I'm taken to the middle of nowhere in the desert, midday sun shining hot. Pale sands beneath us roll by like waves. Dunes and valleys lie underneath us, bypassed completely by Rainbow Dash's wings.
//The silent Avatar takes me to a dreaded spot on the desert's southern side, far from any known city. Here, the wind refuses to blow, and as a result the sand is flat for miles. I can see tracks in it that may have been made many years ago, and I wonder how they handled the choking heat.
//She spots something on the ground and descends. I spot it just after, a brown stone pyramid jutting out of the landscape like a mistake.
Spike: Is that the test?
//Rainbow Dash stays silent, and dumps me off while we're still ten feet from the ground. I hit the sand. It's not as soft as I was expecting.
Spike: Gah, could have given me some warning...
//She stays in the air.
RBD: This pyramid goes underground. Inside it is the tomb of Bucket James.
//Who?
Spike: So?
RBD: Your task is to recover or destroy the amulet Leave A Tin Out For... to recover or destroy that amulet. The pyramid is designed to only let by a two-person team of a pony and a drakeling. Let's see how strong your bond with others is.
//...Does she mean it like that, or...?
Spike: At least tell me you won't be the pony I have to work with.
//She stays silent and drops to the ground. As she does, I notice a trail of hoofprints in the sand, leading into the pyramid. They start from very far away.
Spike: ...Huh.
//Rainbow Dash says nothing more, and I enter the pyramid.