//Rainbow Dash digs something out of her piled costume and throws it to me.
RBD: Catch!
//I snatch the yellow thing out of the air, whatever it is. It's...
Spike: ...Why would you give me this?
//It's a small bottle of gold liquid, smelling like wood. A healing potion!
RBD: You're gonna give me all you've got, one way or another! No excuses!
//I inspect the glass a little more closely. It has a sigil scratched into it, a simple crystal with a beam. A magical trap?
//...It smells enough like wood, and Rainbow Dash doesn't seem smart enough for trickery. I guess it's fine.
//HEY I HAVE SOME SHIT YOU SHOULD SAY
//You have no idea how much I don't care.
//IT'LL HURT THIS COWARD AND THAT'S ALL THAT FUCKING MATTERS
//...In Strategy, flustering your opponent and degrading their mental state can be effective, true. Hit me.
//The dragon instinct gives me two lines and I use them:
Spike: From the northlands, huh? I suppose it's only fitting.
//The cork slips out with ease.
Spike: I'm going to give you the wounds you should have got there.
//I drink the potion. My broken finger, broken wrist, torn ear, and everything else heals.
//EXCEPT YOUR FUCKING HEAD WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT TO A FRIEND YOU ASSHOLE?
//You told me to!
//Rainbow Dash leans forward, readying an attack.
RBD: I'm going to enjoy making you regret that!

Rainbow Dash charges at The Drakeling!
The Drakeling draws power from within himself, and casts Walk of the Third!

//Even under Walk of the Third, Rainbow Dash is moving fast. It doesn't look like she's giving it her all, either... let's change that.

The Drakeling strikes Rainbow Dash in the lower body with his Dashing Rogue Punch, bruising the skin and bruising the muscle!
Rainbow Dash rushes by The Drakeling!

The Drakeling's Walk of the Third ends.

//Rainbow Dash lands and skids, kicking up dust. She whips around and spots me immediately.
RBD: What did I tell you about that move?!
Rainbow Dash charges at The Drakeling!

The Drakeling draws power from within himself, and casts Walk of the Third!
The Drakeling breathes fire!
//The dragonfire sticks in the air, spreading like bright molasses.
The Drakeling breathes fire!
//After putting another spout into the air, I walk backwards a few steps, readying my Fist of Justice.

The Drakeling's Walk of the Third ends.
//Rainbow Dash flares out her wings as the wave of dragonfire approaches!
Rainbow Dash spreads her wings, and casts Wind Wall!
//A spike of wind drives forward from her wings, blowing away the fire and kicking up dry dust!
The Wind Wall strikes The Drakeling in the upper body, but the attack is deflected by The Drakeling's scales!
//The wind and dust forces me to blink!

Rainbow Dash charges at The Drakeling!
Rainbow Dash strikes The Drakeling in the upper body with her left wing, bruising the muscle through the scale!
The Drakeling punches Rainbow Dash in the left front hoof with his right hand, but the attack glances away!
//Damnit, I forgot the Justice!
Rainbow Dash rushes past The Drakeling!

//I feel her slowing down, let's try a new tactic.

The Drakeling draws power from within himself, and casts Walk of the Third!
//I open my eyes. Rainbow Dash is turning in a midair arc around me. At full speed, I wouldn't have been able to react.
The Drakeling leaps at Rainbow Dash!
The Drakeling grabs Rainbow Dash by the lower body with his right upper leg! The Drakeling grabs Rainbow Dash by the lower body with his left upper leg!
//Success!
//I'm on her back. If I could find a good pun for 'mounted', I'd use it.

The Drakeling's Walk of the Third ends.

RBD: Wh-- get off me!
Spike: Coming from you, I'd expect 'get me off'...
The Drakeling punches Rainbow Dash in the head with his right hand, bruising the skin and bruising the muscle!

Rainbow Dash struggles in vain against the grip of The Drakeling's right upper leg on Rainbow Dash's lower body!
//She stopped flying to try to jerk me off. Uh, with her back legs. You know what, that sentence isn't recoverable, moving on.
Spike: I'm sure I had a lot of practice not being bucked.
The Drakeling grabs Rainbow Dash by the left wing with his left hand! The Drakeling grabs Rainbow Dash by the left wing with his right hand!
//Going down!

Rainbow Dash slams into the ground!
Rainbow Dash's right front hoof takes the full force of the impact, chipping the hoof!
Rainbow Dash's upper body takes the full force of the impact, bruising the skin!
The Drakeling slams into the ground!
The Drakeling's right lower leg takes the full force of the impact, denting the scale!
The Drakeling's right lower arm takes the full force of the impact, chipping the scale!

//My right leg is pinned under her flank! I can't tell who has what advantage now.
The Drakeling punches Rainbow Dash in the upper body with his left hand, bruising the muscle, bruising the left true ribs, and bruising the liver!
RBD: Celestia, take it easy!
Rainbow Dash kicks The Drakeling in the head with her left front hoof, shattering the scale, bruising the muscle and bruising the jaw!
The Drakeling is propelled away by the force of the blow!

The Drakeling's upper body skids along the ground, chipping the scale!

Rainbow Dash stands up.
Spike: See, they say they want me to mount them, but when I do...
The Drakeling stands up.
//I leap to my feet, hands at the ready. Rainbow Dash hops into the air again.
Spike: (Does she ever stay on the ground?)
T: (Flying is actually very fun.)
Spike: (I'm sure if Rainbow Dash had her way, I'd never get to try it.)
RBD: Just what the heck is that move?!
Spike: What move?
RBD: Don't play dumb! I know a speedup move when I see it!
//Then why did you ask?

Rainbow Dash charges at The Drakeling!
The Drakeling draws power from within himself, and casts Walk of the Third!
//Rainbow Dash is flaring her wings, pulling back. She started reacting before Walk of the Third was cast... I can't hit her right now.
//I walk over a few feet, pick up the discarded costume, and throw it in the air.

The Drakeling's Walk of the Third ends.
RBD: Heh-heh! Baited it--
Rainbow Dash charges at the costume!
Rainbow Dash strikes the costume in the cloth with her Wind Drill! The severed part flies off in an arc!
The costume has been struck down.

Spike: Oh, I guess this means you're as dumb as a bull.
//And about as horny.
//Rainbow Dash takes scraps off cloth off her, dropping them.
RBD: ...You fought Fluttershy, but this is nothing like her P-and-V.
//'P-and-V' and 'Fluttershy' don't belong in the same sentence together. She means Patatrin-Vikramana, I guess.
RBD: Even at her best, Fluttershy can only take away some of your senses. But you disappear completely. That's not a thing!
//Fluttershy can do that? ...She must not have been using her full power against me. I don't know how I feel about that.
//IT TOTALLY IS A THING, YOU WOULD KNOW IF YOU STOOD AND FOUGHT MORE OFTEN
Spike: It totally is a thing, you would know if you stood and fought more often.
RBD: Grrrr... your battle strategy's kind of obvious. You're trying to enrage me into attacking! It won't work!
Spike: It won't? You have to come down into 2D to attack me at some point. Unless you're continuing the trend of running away.
//Rainbow Dash doesn't have a ranged attack move, unless she's planning on dropping rocks...
RBD: That's it!

//Rainbow Dash rises up into the air and does a twirl!
Rainbow Dash twirls in the air, casting Wind Pool!

//In a ring around me, wind starts to drive dirt and stones into the air. It gets stronger quickly, and I have to pull my limbs close so I'm not dragged along.
RBD: 2D is so lame!
//Rainbow Dash does another twirl, aiming for one radius away from me. There's nowhere to go, I'll be blown away!
\\Not necessarily. A stone might hit you in the head and kill you.
Rainbow Dash twirls in the air, casting Wind Pool!

The Drakeling draws power from within himself, and casts Walk of the Third!
//The wind around me slows down, but not too much. I'm able to dodge through the flying rocks and debris, and leap away--
The Drakeling's Walk of the Third ends.
//Why did it cut out so soon?!

RBD: Heh-heh, got you!
//Oh, I'm near a twenty-foot drop. That's not good.
Rainbow Dash charges at The Drakeling!
Rainbow Dash kicks at The Drakeling with her left front hoof, but The Drakeling dodges away!
Spike: Watch it! You almost hurt me!
The Drakeling counterattacks!
The Drakeling strikes Rainbow Dash in the left front hoof with his Dashing Rogue Punch, bruising the muscle and bruising the bone!
Rainbow Dash rushes by The Drakeling!

RBD: Do you even listen to me?!
//Why would I?!
Rainbow Dash charges at The Drakeling!
//I'm on the cliff edge! There's nowhere to go!
Rainbow Dash kicks The Drakeling in the right upper leg with her right rear hoof, tearing apart the scale, tearing apart the muscle and bruising the bone!
//I stumble backwards half a step, one foot slipping off the edge!
The Drakeling falls over!
//Celestia, that was close, I almost fell... why is Rainbow Dash just standing there?
RBD: Come on! Use that move and fix everything!
Spike: For it to fix everything it'd have to make _you_ disappear.

The Drakeling stands up.
The Drakeling draws power from within himself, and casts Walk of the Third!
The Drakeling's Walk of the Third ends.
//Wh-- it ended as soon as it began...

//Rainbow Dash has a jackal's smile on her face. Does anyone in this world smile like a normal person?
RBD: You're out of it, kid! And also out of luck!
//She leaps into the air, flaring out her wings, directing them towards me.
//Is Walk of the Third limited? Does it draw a resource of some sort, do I have to wait for it to recharge?
\\There are more important things right now, Spike...
Spike: Uh, I just want to say, everything I said earlier, I didn't mean any of it. Really.
//SO THERE ARE TWO SHIT-EATING FUCKING COWARDS HERE, GOOD TO KNOW
RBD: Heh-heh, don't worry about it. You were trying to win, but... hey, you tried your best, right?
Rainbow Dash spreads her wings, and casts Wind Wall!
The Wind Wall strikes The Drakeling in the upper body, denting the scale! The Drakeling is propelled away by the force of the blow!

//Thrown into the air over the cliff edge, I tumble about, ground approaching rapidly! Come on, let me get one more Walk of the Third, please, Celestia, help me...
The Drakeling draws power from within himself, and casts Walk of the Third!
//I gently float to a stop in mid-air--
Rainbow Dash strikes The Drakeling in the left upper arm with her Wind Drill, shattering the scale, bruising the muscle and dislocating the left shoulder!
The Drakeling's Walk of the Third ends.
Rainbow Dash collides with The Drakeling and they tumble downwards!

The Drakeling slams into the ground!
The Drakeling's head takes the full force of the impact, shattering the scale, bruising the muscle and bruising the skull!
The Drakeling's upper body takes the full force of the impact, shattering the scale, bruising the muscle and bruising the right lung!
The Drakeling's left lower leg takes the full force of the impact, shattering the scale, bruising the muscle and bruising the bone!
The Drakeling's tail takes the full force of the impact, shattering the scale, bruising the muscle and bruising the bone!
Rainbow Dash strikes The Drakeling in the lower body with her left wing, shattering the scale, bruising the muscle, bruising the guts and bruising the pancreas!

//Rainbow Dash jumps off me and back into the air!
//Why, so much pain, why, I didn't ask for a fight...
\\You're a Hero in the name of Celestia. Is this what Celestia wants? For you to give up?
Spike: I, I...
//I try to stand up, but my legs won't obey me. Lead pounds through my muscles. In front of me is the cliff face, all around a featureless plateau of dirt, not even grass... far away to my right there's a pair of tall grey ski poles holding up a cable. Nothing that could help me in a fight.
//I'm out of the Third, broken, beaten and bruised. I can't fight. It's over.
//With tears in my eyes, I let out:
Spike: ...Sorry...
//I'm sorry, Celestia, I can't go on...

RBD: What do you mean, 'sorry'? Get up!
//I prop myself up on my right elbow, breathing funny.
Spike: That's... that's all I have. I surrender.
//Rainbow Dash wins. That's how my journey ends. Damnit. It couldn't have been anyone else...
RBD: Is this a trick? Maybe I wasn't giving you enough credit. This is a pretty good trick.
Spike: You broke my arm, threw me off a cliff, cut my leg open, blew dragonfire back in my face, and slammed me into the ground. So if it's all the same to you, I'm gonna bleed out now.
RBD: You can't bleed out! What kind of Hero bleeds out in the middle of nowhere?
//Rainbow Dash swoops down from the sky, landing next to me and folding her wings.
RBD: Come on, it can't be that bad.
//She pokes at the cut on my thigh, and my leg spasms and bleeds more.
Spike: Waaugh! Don't do that!
RBD: Hold still!

Rainbow Dash takes The Drakeling down by the lower body with her right upper body! Rainbow Dash grabs The Drakeling by the right upper leg with her right front hoof! Rainbow Dash grabs The Drakeling by the right upper leg with her left front hoof! The Drakeling is pinned!

RBD: Oh, come on! It didn't even hit the artery, what are you complaining about?
Spike: Get off... hurts...
//She's lying across my stomach, looking at my leg. Is that her body heat, or am I feeling warmer...?

The Drakeling is unable to break the grip of Rainbow Dash's right upper body on his lower body!

RBD: Oh, what's this?
Spike: It's not...
RBD: Hey, what the hell?! I mean, not that I'm complaining, but you could learn some timing, kid!
Spike: It's just a physical reaction!
RBD: How'd you get past Fluttershy if you get excited this easy?
Spike: Fluttershy... a lover, not a fighter...
RBD: I know, right? How am I doing this?

Rainbow Dash pokes The Drakeling in the right upper leg with her left front hoof!
The Drakeling struggles in vain against the grip of Rainbow Dash's right upper body on The Drakeling's lower body!

RBD: Heh-heh, should get a white flag to tie to it.
Spike: Can't I just bleed out in peace?
RBD: You'll be fine, it's just a scratch!
Spike: With several internal injuries causing bleeding as well.
RBD: Oh, right. We probably want to keep your body temperature up, legs raised up, and breathing stable to prevent shock...
//Rainbow Dash puts her hooves on my chest, spreads my legs up, and lays her body on mine!
RBD: And hey, would you look at that!
Rainbow Dash nuzzles The Drakeling in the upper body with her fuzzy snout!
Spike: _That's not a proper medical procedure!_
RBD: Sure it is! And I mean, if it's all the same to you, no reason to waste it, right?
//She smiles. Strangely enough, this one looks less deranged.
RBD: Besides, you said you were sorry, but I think amends are going to be pret-ty pricey...
//A thundering echo rolls down the mountain, washing past us and tearing out shrubs and grass from the ground by their roots further down. It sounds ominously like language designed to carry sound, but no meaning.
//Rainbow Dash groans.
RBD: Damnit, Pinkie Pie!
PP: Rainbow Dash, I haven't seen you in six whole months, and this is the greeting I get? Assaulting a guest on my doorstep?
//Rainbow Dash shouts back:
RBD: Pinkie Pie, I'm in the middle of something!
PP: No, it looks like something's about to be in the middle of you! Stop that!
//Okay, I'll admit it, I laughed.
RBD: Besides--
//Rainbow Dash leaps into the air, talking back to the mountain.
RBD: --it wasn't, like, _assaulting_ assaulting, it was more like, testing/assaulting!
PP: I think you're lying to me, Dash. My crystal ball says you're lying to me.
RBD: Ugh, I hate that thing.
PP: Why, because it's always right?
RBD: I have something to get to anyway. Later, Pinkie Pie!
PP: Bye!
RBD: Thanks for the battle, kid. You're not terrible. But get better!
//Rainbow Dash flies away!

Rainbow Dash was defeated! (?)
Spike earned 10000 experience points!
Spike is now level 29!
//Crazy rainbow bint...

[[SAVE LOCATION]]

//Out of nowhere Pinkie Pie steps into view. Not from behind a rock or boulder, but directly out of thin air. As if someone had quickly turned a switch labeled 'Pinkie Pie' to 'YES'.
PP: Ooo, you look bad, Spike! Are you sure don't need to see a doctor?
Spike: Why, did you bring one?
PP: In water tablet form and inflatable!
Spike: ...I think I'm good. Dragons are made of tough stuff.
//I can walk, but combat in the near future is going to be a no-go.
PP: What are you going to do about your broken arm?
Spike: Just dislocated. Give me a minute.
//I hold my wrist between my knees and with a loud CRACK set my arm back in place.
PP: ...Spike, that's disgusting.

The Drakeling stands up.

Spike: I have to make it to the top of the mountain somehow. I've lost a lot of time but I want to make it before nightfall.
PP: Top of the mountain? Oh, that's right! To defeat me! Hehehaha *snort* hehehaha!
//Now that I think about it, Twilight's impression of her wasn't far off...
Spike: ...Yeah.
//I was going to go to Mountainville and contact Herr Yyz in Canterlot, but if Pinkie Pie is on the way...
PP: You're climbing? Why don't we take my gondola?
Spike: I'm not sure I would feel comfortable accepting help from the pony I'm destined to... you do mean a gondola lift, right?
PP: Kinda!
//Pinkie Pie points off into the distance. Coming up the mountain on cables, I see a cable car shaped like an oversized flat-bottomed Venetian boat. Its doors are open, even though it's moving.
PP: Come on! If we miss it there won't be another cable car for another fourteen point one three minutes!

Pinkie Pie starts to run!

Spike: What? Pinkie Pie, wait up!
//Crazy pink bint!
//We leap into the cable car at the last possible moment, and the oversized boat continues to lurch its way up the mountainside.
//The cable car is decorated head to toe with streamers, party balloons, banners, festive cards and decorations, and 'HI SPIKE!' is spelled out on the wall in red grossulars. Pinkie Pie closes the doors.
PP: Surprise, Spike!
Spike: I am so utterly and completely confused.
PP: It's your surprise 'It's So Nice to Finally Meet You, Again' party!
Spike: ...Those are a thing?
T: (No.)
PP: When I learned you lost your whole entire memory, I was so sad, I cried for days! The little Spike I knew was gone, forever. But then I thought, 'Hey! There's a new Spike around who I've never met before! I wonder what he's like!' So when I heard you were in the area, I was so happy! I just knew I had to throw you a big old party and welcome you to Mountainville!
Spike: ...Your card was rather forward.
PP: Apparently not forward enough! You almost escaped past me to Canterlot! (Wonder what you wanted there, hehehaha!)
//...'Almost escaped'?
//I point at Pinkie Pie.
Spike: Did you send those griffons after me?
//Innocently, she asks:
PP: Griffons? What griffons?
//...Her intonations and facial expressions are so different from everyone else that I can't tell if she's trying to lie, mocking me, or being honest.
Spike: ...Griffons forced me off the train just before this mountain.
//Coincidences are unlikely, given I'm facing the Avatar of Luck herself, but military organization doesn't seem Pinkie Pie's style. I guess I'll let it go.
PP: That was rather rude of them! ...Even still, I'm glad you came.
Spike: I'm glad I didn't.
//Pinkie Pie giggles.
//The red grossulars on the wall are attached by string. The string smells like sugar.
Spike: Are these...
PP: Go ahead, Spike. They're for you!
//I bite into one and

//HOKAY, FUCKING SHIT. EYES FORWARD, ASSHOLE, BACK OF YOUR HEAD'S GOT NOTHING IMPORTANT BUT THE SHITPAIL MORON WHO TOLD YOU IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO INJEST THE OBVIOUS POISON TRAP. WHY ARE YOU FOCUSING ON YOUR ARM, FUCK THE FUCKING ARM, THAT OBNOXIOUS MOTHERFUCKER HAS NOWHERE TO BE BUT TEARING OUT YOUR DAMN BRAIN IF IT WOULDN'T TURN YOU INTO A ONLY VERY SLIGHTLY LESS COMPETENT DROOLING IMBECILE WITH A GREATER HORRID STANK THAN PERSONAL CHARISMA. WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LEGS OH YOU'RE DOING NOTHING WITH YOUR LEGS WELL GUESS WHAT FUCKNOSE THAT MEANS YOU'RE FALLING WITH YOUR LEGS SO GET FUCKING ON THAT. IS IT TOO MUCH TO FUCKING ASK THAT WE DON'T COLLAPSE LIKE A BITCH EVERY TIME YOU PUT FOOD IN YOUR MOUTH OR DID YOUR HORSEDICKED MASTERS ONLY FEED YOUR NASTY FACE EVERY TIME AN INTELLIGENT THOUGHT CAME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. GREAT, WE'RE ON THE FUCKING GROUND; I'M OUT OF HERE LIKE A SHITSTAIN ON AN APE: YOU'RE UGLY AND SMELL BAD. ENJOY THE ENSUING VIOLATION, I HOPE YOU POP A BLOOD VESSEL HALFWAY THROUGH AND FUCKING DIE, NOT THAT ANYONE WOULD NOTICE THE CHANGE.

PP: Spike? What are you doing on the ground?
Spike: Uugh... what did you put in the gems?
PP: Gems? I didn't put anything in the gems! You fell down and started yelling a lot so I want to make sure you're okay!
Spike: Oh, was I yelling, hah...
PP: Really angry things.
Spike: I think I'll pass on the grossulars, thanks.
PP: I knew that even if you-past-you had met me before, you-now-you haven't met me at all so it would be like meeting a new person for the first time! And even if you past you can't come back I figured I could be friends with you now you and it would be just like making a new friend!
Spike: Well, thanks, Pinkie Pie.
PP: Of course! I wanted to take your mind off all the doom and gloom of being a big Hero and you not knowing who you are and just say, 'Hi, Spike! Nice to meet you!'
Spike: That's--
PP: So hi, Spike! Nice to meet you!
//...
Spike: Hi, Pinkie Pie, nice to meet you too. Especially because you're the first old friend I've met that doesn't want to assault me or bring the old Spike out of me.
PP: Aww, thank you, Spike! Here at Mountainville Resort and Casino we aim to please everyone!
//Out the gondola window, several dragons are playing and swimming in an exposed pool of lava by the cliffside. Far above the volcano rim, a suspended glass tank of water serves as a heated pool, home to ponies and dragons alike. It's gotten a bit dark now.
Spike: Casino?
PP: The house always wins.
Spike: Right. Avatar of Luck.
PP: That doesn't mean you shouldn't play anyway, Spike! It's not all about the money, it's about the fun!
//The type of fun that can build and maintain a volcanoside casino and resort at profit, of course.
PP: And besides, what kind of world would it be if people only tried things they thought would work out for them? Bo-ring! I mean, sometimes, you have to hope you can...
//I wonder if the other grossulars are any good...

Pinkie Pie nuzzles The Drakeling in the side with her fuzzy snout!

PP: ...get lucky! Hehehaha *snort* hehehaha!
Spike: Hey, watch it!
PP: Just teasing! Besides, if you're such a grumpypants, how are you going to watch the fireworks show?
//Fireworks show?
//At the base of the mountain, dragonfire lights the first rocket. It whistles upwards, to the other side of the mountain from the open pool, and explodes into -- a smiley face? Pinkie Pie squeals and claps her hooves together at the window.
Spike: Fireworks?
PP: Dedicated chemical/mechanical engineering teams. Also, magic!
//A second firework detonates ten feet from the gondola, shocking through the metal hull and scattering bright ash over the window.
Spike: Woah!
PP: Hehehaha *snort* hehehaha! Sorry, Spike, I thought we would be further along by now!
Spike: You planned all this out? What's the occasion?
PP: It's a celebration of you, Spike! Not only is this the first time I'm meeting you, but I heard you defeated Fluttershy and took your very first steps on being a big strong dragon champion Hero! Congratulations, Spike!
Spike: Very first? I've done heroic things before...
PP: Also, it's Tuesday, so we kinda have to.
Spike: Wait, hold on. You're partying because it's Tuesday?
PP: Of course not! We're partying because we're _here_ on a Tuesday! There's a big difference.
//...I'm not sure there is.
PP: And it's Nightmare Night! We always set off fireworks on Nightmare Night!
//...I'm still not seeing why she went to the trouble of rescuing me from Rainbow Dash if it wasn't for her own sake.
//YOU ARE THE WORST DAMSEL IN DISTRESS FUCKING EVER
//And the only altruistic ponies I know are dedicated to Celestia...
Spike: So why aren't you, you know, putting your face out there? You own this place.
PP: Well, duh! I've thrown a lot of parties in my time, Spike, and if there's one thing I've learned it's that no party can be the best party without all your bestest friends!
Spike: ...So you rescued me from Dash because _you_ want to 'party' with me instead?
//I should look out for something put into my drink.
//Pinkie's silliness drops away.
PP: No! Well, I didn't mean it like that! Well, I--
Spike: Take your time.
//It all seems to get to the same place anyway.
//Pinkie Pie breathes in.
PP: ...Best friends are best friends because they're so close, Spike. And best friends share everything with each other. They can share their games and their notes and their rooms and their clothes and their thoughts and their food with each other because they feel okay with sharing everything, even their deepest and most strangest thoughts. Right?
Spike: I don't have friends, Pinkie Pie; I wouldn't know.
PP: Spike! ...Of course you have friends!
//...I guess Twilight would count if I thought about it. And probably Na-Mira, too. Kezno, Celel, Jebed, Quine... Heroes don't have regular friends, but these are all people I can trust and depend on. Even if I don't see them that often, they still are friends, and we've shared a lot...
Spike: Okay, go on.
PP: And if best friends can share your games and your notes and your rooms and your clothes and your deepest most strangest thoughts with each other, I thought, what's so different about sharing your bodies with your best friends?
//I think she means singular, 'body'. Unless Pinkie Pie is a grisly serial killer.
//...Note to self, don't turn your back on Pinkie Pie.
PP: And I don't want to say it's just that simple because people have some really strong opinions on what a best friend like that means and what sharing your body means but Spike, it's just that simple!
//It's okay everybody, Pinkie Pie just completely figured out sexuality. You can stop trying now.
PP: Isn't having fun what you do with friends? Why is it so important which way you have fun? It seems like just a pile of pesky petty pickishness to me!
//Pinkie Pie and the Pile of Pesky Petty Pickishness, an alliterative allusion allocated almost unalienably.
PP: But some ponies think it's really important what you do with your body. And some people think it's ultra-important what your body _is_, never mind what you do with it!
//When did this turn from 'hey Spike I want to mount you' to a lesson in the sociological impact of opinions on sexual activity?
Spike: If you're applying to be a server at a Casino and Resort, it does.
//A job where you're paid to be attractive has to take that into account.
PP: Spike, I don't mean eye candy. I mean a pony, like me! Or a dragon, like you!
//She pokes my chest with a hoof. Was that really necessary?
PP: They say people are different because of how they're shaped, and they do awful things because of it! Do you think Rainbow Dash or anyone else would be so wacko towards you if you were a stallion?
//C: ...Think about this: immortality is almost nonexistent; it cannot be bought or crafted or designed or machined or pleaded or begged or stolen or made with magic, or anything else a pony could do...
Spike: Right! Being shaped like this doesn't make attacking me okay!
PP: Of course not! No matter what you look like, people shouldn't be violent towards you!
//If we agree on that, can I just have the Element and leave then?
//Pinkie Pie turns around. The fireworks show outside has longer pauses between it now. Bright lights flood out the stars.
PP: ...But that's how it was, after Celestia left and Hazel took the throne. Ponies, she treated one way, and dragons were treated totally different...
//Jebed told me about how many well-meaning dragons died at the hooves of Hazel because she didn't discriminate.
Spike: I see where you're coming from. ...Well, not really, you're facing me right now, but it's a figure of speech and I meant it metaphorically not literally why don't you just go on with whatever you were saying while I shut up.
PP: And ponies in Canterlot were the same way! A pony was a pony and a dragon was a dragon and never the twain shall meet! If you knew a dragon, or were friends with one, or even thought maybe they couldn't be so bad, it was a dirty secret that you should never ever tell...
//That must have amplified the drakeling slavery underground. Forbidden fruit and all.
PP: But when it's not okay to say how you feel -- like doing best friend things, or being friends with dragons -- so much doesn't get said that should!!
Spike: Oh, like how Twilight hasn't told me that I used to be Rarity's rebirth-mate before my amnesia.
T: (_What_?!)
//Come on, have you been paying attention?
Spike: (Yeah, really obvious, by the way.)
PP: She hasn't?
Spike: Nope.
//It would have been hard to bring the subject up. Which is probably why everyone tried so many times and dropped so many hints.
PP: See, that's exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about! And -- and Rarity, too!
Spike: Her too?
//I think she tried to tell me once. If assault counts as communication.
PP: Both of them saw the shame! They saw how people treated you and Rarity different, Spike, just because you were a dragon!
T: (I was going to tell you, Spike, I swear, but things got in the way...)
Spike: Twilight, shut up. Pinkie Pie, go on. How did you know Rarity and me, anyway?
//I'm convinced anyone of any importance knows of Twilight Sparkle. No use asking about that.
PP: Twilight? Is she here?
//SHE FOLLOWS ME AROUND TO FIND OUT WHO WILL BE HER NEW SISTER IN LAW
Spike: She follows me around, probably to find out who will why am I saying this?
//In the resulting hushed silence of the gondola, I feel Twilight staring at me. Was I seriously about to say that? I don't even know what he meant!
Spike: The dragon instinct is an ass and I'm not going to repeat what he said. Sorry.
//Pinkie Pie looks at me, amused.
PP: Dragon instinct? What's that?
Spike: A rude person in my head who makes comments.
//ASK TWILIGHT IF SHE THINKS A SHALLOW GRAVE WAS A NICE ANNIVERSARY GIFT
Spike: Twilight, do you think a shal--gaah, stop it, no! Get out of my head!
//I grab my head, hoping to find some way to take the dragon instinct out of it.
PP: Spike, are you okay?
T: What were you about to say?
Spike: Stop! I don't want you! I don't want you in my life any more! Go away! Go away and stay away! You ruin everything!
//After a short, silent pause, I feel Twilight disappear from the cable car. The dragon instinct is silent. Maybe now we can get on with it.
//Pinkie Pie looks at me, hesitant to continue.
PP: ...Spike?
//...It sounds like the dragon instinct is silent.
Spike: He's stopped talking. You can keep going.
//Pinkie Pie puts on a sheepish face.
PP: ...You do know she left to _cry_, right? That you made your friend cry because of what you said?
//Wh-- ..._oh, no_.
Spike: I didn't say that about her! I didn't mean it for -- I was talking to him!
//HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I ALWAYS WIN
//Damn it! Damn you!
Spike: I'll apologize when she comes back. I hope she comes back... How did you know Rarity and me, again?
//After a short pause, Pinkie Pie continues:
PP: I was always the party planner for all of Rarity's big fancy shmancy parties, and you were always there, too. You would always be dressed up in whatever sweet little boy costume Rarity made for you, and... oh, Spike, hehe, you looked so _cute_!
Spike: ...Thanks?
PP: But to Rarity it was never 'Spike, my best friend' in a costume, but 'Spike, a boy I'm looking after' in a costume! Because there were always powerful, important people she was entertaining who didn't like hearing about that kind of fun, never mind a dragon being something besides a pet or a servant or a nuisance! And they most certainly didn't like hearing about the two together! Rarity never said a word about you to any of them... she barely talked about your friendship with us, either!
//More fireworks burst outside of the window, but I can't see the patterns when I'm so close. It all just looks like bright streaks.
Spike: Was she a private pony? She was rather straightforward with her thoughts when I saw her...
PP: I can't say, Spike, but what I can say is that you were miserable! Just seeing your face, when she talked about what a wonderful trip to Canterlot she had or what crazy adventure she went on with all of us, but left _you_ completely out of it, made me want to... made me want to go out there and give her a piece of my mind!
Spike: Woah, calm down!
PP: But you wouldn't let me. Because that wouldn't be what was best for Rarity. It made me so sad, Spike, that you had to be so sad because you loved her so much. I thought a lot about it. I thought, 'I wouldn't leave Spike out like that! For me to be happy, my friends have to be happy, too'! Dragon or pony or weird snake creature, a bestest friend is worth too much to hurt like that, and for it I will not stand!
Spike: You're sitting.
PP: Exactly!
Spike: Rarity couldn't be open about it because of prejudice and hatred. That's why I'm a Hero, Pinkie Pie. I'm on a Celestia-given mission to dispel these dangerous ideas, and by Celestia, I'll do it!
//SHE WASN'T HONEST BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T WANT SOMEONE LIKE JEBED FUCKING KILLING HER, SOMEPONY BLACKMAILING HER FAT ASS, OR TO FALL OUT OF THE VAUNTED 'HEY WE'RE GOING TO DIE' CUNT-CLUB. YOUR EX-DICKSHEATHE'S MOTIVES WERE PURELY SELFISH.
//If you're insulting her then I guess she's not that bad of a person.
PP: ...What if they've already been dispelled?
//The grammar was okay there, but that question seems fundamentally wrong to me.
Spike: Uh, no. They haven't.
PP: Look around us, Spike. It is the finale.
//A rapid series of brilliant red swirls burst and echo in series, forming a heart far over the center of the volcano, backed by the dark blue sky. Two more white dazzlers pop high in the sky, and then the words form: 'THANK YOU FOR WATCHING!'
PP: Fireworks designed by dragons and ponies, constructed and lit by dragons and ponies, paid for by dragons and ponies at a resort staffed by dragons and ponies, for the enjoyment of mingled dragons and ponies who will go to sleep tonight with whatever dragon and pony entertainment they desire and can afford! You've been looking for a place where dragons and ponies live side by side, haven't you? Where people won't judge or say 'shame' because of your friendships? Isn't this just the way you imagined? You found your perfect world, Spike! You've found it! Mountainville is it! You can be happy here!
//Uh, maybe that is part of my quest, but I meant it to benefit others like Celestia did, not just what I want to see myself... and I have to defeat Princess Hazel to get my memories back. I think she's projecting. I'll bite anyway.
Spike: One small corner of the world is not a journey victorious, Pinkie Pie.
PP: But it's a small corner nonetheless! What does it matter if the world thinks one way or another? This is our corner! It's a haven, a stronghold, and if we are all true to our love for one another we can hold off the hatred of the entire world!
//This corner of the world has no prejudice because it has _money_. It's in the poor and the downtrodden, those who need Celestia's light most, that ignorance and hatred has its strongest roots, and those are the people I want to inspire with a mythical Hero. I can't just stay here. What good is a shining spot on a rotten apple?
\\And if the shine is all I can see? Who's to say the world doesn't wink out of existence when I turn my back? If ignorance and hatred are the elements I want none of in my world, can't I cut them out entirely and live where they aren't?
//Doing so would be selfish and greedy to the core. You can't blind yourself to reality just to feel better. Celestia and Herr Yyz wouldn't accept that out of me.
PP: This place is happy, Spike. Here, everyone can be happy, no matter who they are, or what friends they want to have. _You_ can be happy here.
//Do I want to be?
PP: I don't know how to say this, so I'll just say it: Spike, will you stay here with me? And be my best friend?

[[SAVE LOCATION]]

//...Really? Is this the test?
Spike: You're... just asking?
//It's refreshingly straightforward.
PP: You sound surprised!
Spike: I'm not used to my opinion being considered. It's very nice of you.
PP: Thanks!

>>YES
>>NO

Spike: ...But I'm going to have to decline. The world's needs are more important than mine.
//BESIDES, I HAVE LESS SHIT ON PINKIE PIE THAN I DO ON YOUR CURRENT FUCKGOAL, YOU WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO RUIN YOUR RELATIONSHIP AS OFTEN. YOU DO KNOW TWILIGHT HATES YOU, RIGHT?
PP: Oh, that's okay. I thought you would say so!
//The gondola lurches to a halt, rocking back and forth and throwing grossulars to the ground like priceless marbles underfoot. Pinkie Pie keeps her footing, but I fall on my front.
//...Is this really it? Say no, receive Element?
Spike: If you thought I'd say no, why'd you ask?
PP: Sometimes, you have to do things you think shouldn't work simply because they shouldn't work! Otherwise you get too predictable!
//Pinkie Pie leaps out of the gondola, turns back, and smiles, leaving me to figure out her strange battle strategy.
PP: Come on! I'll show you my personal collection! It's got a bunch of neat stuff!
Spike: Great.

//Two hours. Two hours of walking around, listening to Pinkie Pie. Have you ever listened to Pinkie Pie before? Good, imagine two hours of it, leading you back and forth across a 'personal collection' which happens to be a huge junk pile in a ballroom with a big glass dome overhead, overlooking the volcano, misplacing items and gizmos left and right. Does this count as a mind-affecting enchantment yet? There's nothing else I'd like to do than tune into the angry yelling dragon instinct guy and drop out, hard. Let someone else hear how an unsatisfiable dimwit spewing a plethora of meaningless noise sounds, for a change. I honestly think she's shown me this part six times before. Why am I still even here?
Spike: Pinkie Pie, this is great, but if we could get to--
PP: And penultimately, the Element of Laughter!
Spike: You keep it in a cardboard box.
PP: Well, it's not like anyone's going to take it!
//PICK IT UP, TURN AROUND, AND WALK THE FUCK AWAY.
PP: It takes a lot of luck even for me to find it in all this mess, and besides -- who would have the nerve to steal from the Avatar of Luck herself? Talk about a bad idea!
Spike: In a box, on the floor.
PP: Oh, Spike! You're focusing too much on the jewel! The Element of Laughter is a part of me, mine to share with whoever I please! If I choose to keep a jewel to remind me of that, it's out of convenience, not storage.
Spike: Okay. Wait, penultimately?
PP: Hehehaha *snort* hehehaha, just noticed that? The final artifact is a personal favorite of mine, I always keep it on me.
//From beyond the reaches of space and time, Pinkie Pie pulls an old, dirty coin out from behind her side, and tosses it to me. It's bright yellow on one side.
PP: Now pay attention, this is part of your test.
Spike: This is the test? What was all that back in the gondola then?
PP: I thought it was a nice conversation, how about you?
Spike: W--... 'A nice conversation'? That's cheating!
PP: Cheating? How was that cheating?
Spike: You can't just up and ask me to be your rebirth-mate and not expect it to be a test!
PP: Spike, are you honestly offended that I honestly asked for your honest opinion on an honest proposition?
//...Maybe I'm overreacting a bit.
Spike: I'm sorry. Go on.
PP: I'd like to give you the Element of Laughter.
//...?
PP: I'd like to give you the Element of Laughter, Spike, but I can't do it just like that! You have to risk something in order to get something! That's simple!
Spike: Of course, it's never that easy.
PP: This coin is a special artifact coin. It's called the ~Coin of Decisions~.
Spike: (Probably spookier if we weren't standing on brightly lit piles of shiny junk.)
PP: The tosser of the Coin thinks of two things, each of which she wants! And the Coin knows which of the two things the tosser wants most, in her heart! The--
Spike: And I have to be true of heart and clear of mind and strong convictions blah blah blah give me the Coin I want to get out of here.
PP: It's not that simple! The Coin knows which of the two things the tosser wants most, and it wants to give her the other one!
Spike: ...That's a terrible coin!
PP: It's called the Coin of Decisions because it gives you a higher probability of choosing something you don't want to do, so you decide for yourself! Its magic reminds the tosser that sometimes, the best way to decide what to do is to flip a coin, not because it gives you an answer, but because when the coin's in the air you know what you always wanted! The only safe way to use the Coin is when you really don't know what you want more!
Spike: This is a dangerous Coin.
PP: It's not to be used lightly, Spike. That's why it's your test!
Spike: Oh, joy.
PP: I'm willing to wager the Element of Laughter. That will be heads! So on heads you can take Laughter and continue on your quest, as normal!
Spike: I know what tails is going to be, then.
PP: Oh? Would you care to fill me in? (Hehe!)
Spike: On tails, I stay here with you and become your rebirth-mate, right?
PP: A good a wager as any, Spike!
Spike: Hold on. You're the Avatar of Luck; how do I know you won't cheat?
PP: Oh! I'll turn my back, but you have to tell me what it is, okay? No lying!
//Pinkie Pie turns around and covers her eyes.
//Okay, this should be easy, just toss the Coin and...
//...crap, it's not that easy.

[[SAVE LOCATION]]

//If I start to think all Hero mode, and the Element of Laughter is what I want, the Coin will give me tails. In order to get the Element of Laughter, I have to... not want to get the Element of Laughter. What kind of messed up test is this? Am I supposed to be a casual, nonchalant, easygoing Hero? Not particularly care about continuing my quest?
Spike: The hell kind of test is this?
PP: ...Do you not understand how a coin works?
\\You're thinking about it wrong. The test isn't the Coin; the Coin is irrelevant to the test, it's tangential. Stop thinking about the Coin and start thinking about the rest of it. Why do you have to do the test in the first place?
//...To get the Element of Laughter.
\\Oh, really, I never would have guessed. Try again. Why are you even concerned with flipping the Coin in the first place?
//Flipping any coin usually represents making a decision of some sort. Would not tossing the Coin and putting it in my pocket be not making a decision? I don't think the solution to the test is to act like I'm scared to make a decision, that doesn't seem very Hero-like.
\\No, flipping a coin doesn't mean making a decision. It means the opposite: you are refusing to make a decision, and instead leaving your fate in the hands of something else, something you have no control over. Refusing to flip the Coin means taking your fate into your own hands, and taking responsibility for your choices and actions.
//So the solution is to put the Coin in my pocket.
\\...It would be, but there's also the wager involved. You're gambling, which is the other function of a coin.
//Right... when you gamble, instead of internally refusing to make a decision, you decide to gamble and you're externally finding out what the results of that decision are. So putting the Coin in my pocket is a null gamble. It signifies I'm not willing to lose something, so I can't gain anything.
//There must be another way.
PP: Uhhhh, Spike? Have you flipped the coin yet?
//The options I see are: don't decide between them and subtly hope for heads (if that's even possible) or find a way around the system. Or, more generally: get lucky or cheat.
\\Hrm... if you look at the test from Pinkie's point of view, she tried to do both: she tried to win the game before it even begun (cheating), and now, she still has a chance for luck to turn her way. You know, if she's not cheating now, in which case all of this is moot. Does it mean anything that your options and her options are exactly the same?
//...This is an exceptionally designed test.
Spike: ...Holy crap.
PP: Spike? There's no kind of trick to the test. You just... toss the Coin.
\\Try this: what is the test doing to you? In order to deal with the test, what do you have to do?
//At first, I have to think about what I want. I also have to think about the test, which is getting me to think about my challenges and obstacles in my way to getting what I want. So the design is to generate thought about my situation and goals? But the more I think about my situation and goals, the more likely I am to decide on one or the other being right, which means I fail the test, so the design of the test is also for me to _not_ think about my situation and goals!
//WHAT THE HELL, WHY AM I EVEN IN THIS SEGMENT; HOW FUCKING CONFUSED ARE YOU.
\\What did Pinkie Pie just say?
//'There's no kind of trick to the test.' Tricks are used by the player least likely to win in order to better the odds by denying the opponent information... so Pinkie Pie thinks she's the better player if she's not using one. Which means I need to take a risk and get lucky, because I'm the lesser player.
\\No, no, no! Remember the context. There's no trick being used _to disguise the strategy based solely around luck_. There is no doubt Pinkie Pie is the lesser player here given her strategy; the entirety of the game is literally in your hand and its outcome will be decided solely by you and you alone. Her only hope is that you mess up.
//So the solution to the test is simply to choose the correct strategy. I'm the stronger player; what is the stronger player's strategy? The stronger player will win if she avoids trickery and takes little damage from luck, the strongest player in the world's game plan can be naive and even simple, and she'll still win on her power alone.
\\A naive and simple gameplan? Even you can do that.
Spike: Okay, okay, okay... I have a plan.
//If the coin turns out my way, fine. Otherwise... there's always combat.
//TAKE WHAT YOU WANT BY FORCE, THAT'S THE LESSON YOU'VE LEARNED?

[[SAVE LOCATION]]

>>FLIP THE COIN

//I flip the Coin.
PP: Oh! That sounded like a flip! Was it? Huh?-huh?-huh?
Spike: ...
//In the middle of its arc, both sides flash at me, reflecting far away fluorescent lights. Heads and tails whirl around, dancing my choice away, suddenly removing me from my own life.
//I know what I want. Celestia help me, I know exactly what I want.
//Plink, tink tink.
Spike: Out of the way, Pinkie Pie, I can't see!
PP: You move! You're standing in the light!
Spike: It's a bright yellow coin!
//I'm sure we can find it in this sea of junk!
PP: ...I think I lost it.
Spike: WHAT?!
PP: I'm looking, just -- just don't move, okay? You might tip it over!
Spike: It was over there when it landed!
PP: I think it bounced away! Let me find it!
Spike: How do I know you won't flip it when you find it?!
PP: I wouldn't do that, Spike!
Spike: How can I be sure?!
PP: Fine, I won't look for it!
Spike: Good!
//A few seconds pass. Pinkie Pie and I stand in place, looking by our feet.
Spike: So, uh... did you find the Coin?
PP: Nope! I haven't seen heads or tails of it!
Spike: Are you sure? Did you check under your hooves?
PP: ...Nope! Not there! You?
Spike: Nothing under my feet.
PP: Darn it!
//We spend a minute or so idly looking about the immediate area, afraid to move as to not disturb the coin.
Spike: This is really how this test is going. Wow.
PP: Don't worry, it'll turn up somewhere.
Spike: Can't you pull it out of nowhere like you did before?
PP: Yeah, but I won't know what side it was on!
Spike: I'll just flip it again!
PP: You can't do that! For big, dramatic scenes like that you can't just _flip again_!
Spike: Great. So what do we do?
PP: ...Gimme a minute.
//Pinkie Pie stands on three legs and starts to scratch her head. I close my eyes and try to think of something too.
Spike: (If you have any suggestions, I'm all ears.)
//Silence.
//Another minute of silence passes. Pinkie Pie shrugs and puts her hoof down again.
Spike: ...What do you do when you usually can't find things?
T: (No, don't--)
PP: Oh, yeah!
//Pinkie Pie opens her mouth wide and takes a deep breath, then screams:
PP: TWILIIIIIGHT!!!
T: (Uuughhh.)
//Another deep breath; this time I cover my ears:
PP: TWIIIIIIIIILIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!
//Twilight Sparkle pops into view, floating only an inch over the pile of junk.
T: Pinkie! Stop doing that!
PP: Hi, Twilight!
T: You can't just do that! I don't have some 'Pinkie volume monitoring system' set up; you can't just scream my name and expect me to be there!
PP: But it always works!
T: That's... that's not important! You still shouldn't do it!
PP: Oh, so Twilight, me and Spike were having this teensy little problem--
T: It's over there, it's heads.
//The Coin starts to radiate swirls of rainbow smoke that pinpoint its location. Just like Twilight said, it's heads.
PP: Congratulations, Spike! I'm so happy for you!
Spike: Woo.
PP: ...Wait a minute, this isn't my Coin of Decisions!
Spike: It's not?
PP: Nope! It's just a cool weird coin I found! Isn't that funny? You were flipping a plain old normal coin the entire time! How about that!
Spike: How... about that...