I walked out of the portal to the magic realm with a full belly.
[That was great.]
<Who knew vikings were so... awesome!>

"Thanks Bartholomew!" I yelled at the viking pony who greeted me earlier.

"Good bye young traveler! You are always welcome here! And we will fight for you!"

"Are you sure you'll take on Nightmare?"

"We need a good challenge!"

"I love you guys!" I ran up and gave the big pony a hug. He accepted it and all 30 other Vikings came out to hug me.

"Men must hug!" said the group.

"If they don't than there queer!" I said finishing the sentence. They went inside the portal and closed it.

{I love vikings.}
[Me too. Did we forget anything?]

"Nope." I said out loud while playing with the rock. "So I bite this and they'll come to help?"
[<Yep!>]
"It'd be easier if I just... rubbed it wouldn't it?"
[It wouldn't be awesome.]
{In that case. I shall bite this with the might of a manly man!}

I walked down the forest path happily. I got to keep some muffins with me. Banana Nut! Those guys know me so well!

<OH shit we forgot David and Niko!>

"Pfft! FMEOWk! What time is it?"
[It's been... 8 hours. We're on day 3.]
{Uh oh... let's get them out.}

I closed my eyes and teleported outside the castle. I looked around... and saw pure chaos. That's the only way to describe it. I looked down the street to see Cold Iron sprinting through town. Behind him was Break, an army of griffons, and Nightmare! Oh whoopee! Guess she's goes in heat as well.

<You'd think that he would be flying or something.>
{Ooh... you don't want to do that. With all those griffons on your tail?}
[I agree. It's best to keep low and stay alert.]
<Says the defensive pony.>
[Yeah. I did say that didn't I?]
<Yeah. Alright let's play it your way.>

I went to the wall of the castle witch all the veins grew up on and climbed it. I made my way up about... 3... 4 stories and was at the window of Niko and Octavia. She was passed out and sleeping. He laid there with a cigarette in his hoof.

"Psst. Niko." I said getting his attention.

"Well there you are! What's that on your head?"

"It's my Cartographer's Cap!"

"It's stupid."
{My feelings.}
[Hey fuck you Niko! We came to help!]

"Your a day late ass. Besides I'm enjoying this."

"Your enjoying taking advantage of her?" I asked.

"Actually I'm the bitch in this problem."

"I see. Have fun."

"Alright. Good luck with David."

I pulled the window closed and climbed up the edge of the roof and shimmied to the side where I could use my back legs to climb up. I pulled my body up and quietly tip-toed to the Royal bedroom.

"Alright... easy... easy does it..." I said to myself climbing down to the window. I lifted my hooves up and opened it calmly like Fluttershy only to be blasted by the Royal Canterlot Speaking Voice.

"OH YES! THAT'S RIGHT! FUCK ME HARDER!" cried Celestia. I felt my hair blow backwards and I used my right hoof to catch my map hat.

"KEEP IT UP! OH YES! YES YES!" said Luna in pleasure. Me and myself and I watched in horror thinking of what she could do to us.

After about... 12 minutes they both passed out. David wasn't tied down to the chair. He did see me and sneak to the window.

"Dustin can you help me?" He had 'Feel Boss' and 'Boy Toy' written on his chest and face. His hair was a mess and his eyes were bloodshot. "Hey... what's wrong?"

I only blinked a few times. All I could hear was "BBBBBEEEEEEPPPPPP!!!" like Saving Private Ryan all over again.

"Huh?" I asked him.
[He said he wants a muffin.]
"You want a muffin?" I asked him. He grabbed my arms and pulled me in. I placed my hat on my head and slowly got my hearing back.

"Can you get me out of here? It's been... a little too much for me to handle."

"I'm sure I can David. I did build that back entrance."

"They know about that."

"Oh... Well how about-" I was cut off when a pillow hit me in the face.

"David? Want to come over here? Oh bring your friend."

"Help me." said David turning to me. I did a backwards roll and shot myself into the air vent. "How the hell WHOA!" I reached down and grabbed him.

"Let's go faster!" I said going through the vents like Spider-man. He was... a little slow. "Whats wrong bud? Little soar?"

"Like a motherfucker. My hip is going to kill me and my kidneys are aching."

"Be thankful you have 2 kidneys."
<Right... We should go take someone's.>
[David is willing to give up one I bet.]

"Well David?"

"No! Mine! Get your own!"

"Aw... that's..." The vent started creaking "cold? Uh..." The vent broke and feel down a floor. We both looked around the hallway we were in. Niko walked out and greeted us.

"Yeah... I'm done. Let's get you two out of here."

We all got up and sneaked around the castle. Well... I did. Niko's too big and David won't stop complaining.

"Hey Dustin." asked Niko. "How come you weren't raped?"

"Oh I booked it for the Everfree forest! I made a bunch of friends with the Awesome Vikings."

"That's nice." said David. "So how you met some Vikings?"

"No. The Awesome Vikings. It was a tribe. They helped me and fed me. I got all the root beer I could handle!"
[The king of sodas.]
<Well... besides Coke.>
{Ah... What I would do for a coke.}
[How about a Pepsi?]
{NO!!!}
<I remember how mom used to say they were the same thing.>
{They aren't! One's delicious and the other is shit!}

We went around the corner and the princesses and all the maids were waiting for us.

"You did it you little raggamuffin!" said Luna touching my face with her hooves. "You rescued your friends. Aren't you just reliable?"

"Sure Luna. Isn't that right..." I turned my head to see two clouds that were the shape of Niko and David. I quickly ran over to it and brushed my arms through it and both of the clouds left. "Hehehe... Yeah... reliable..."

14 minutes later

I was running down the street of Canterlot in what seemed like slow motion. It was mostly foggy and dusty. (Hah. That's my name.)
<Really? Your going to joke now!>
{Comedic relief is the best way out of a situation Alpha!}

Behind me was all the mares from the surrounding towns and villages. All of them. The good news... I saved my friends and most other stallions. Bad news... I'm next.

"Your mine!" screamed Pinkie jumping from the rooftops.

"Oh not again!" I stopped running and watched as she face planted the road in front of me. I stepped over her and continued my run.

"Bass!" cried all the girls.

"I would enjoy this more if they wanted an encore from a music show."

"Encore!" they all yelled.

"Your just saying that!" They all cheered and picked up there speed. No... I was getting slower! "Alpha Wave!"

[See Alpha? Your a great help!]
<I guess I am...>
{Guys...}
[I'm only good a defense.]
<Thanks Beta.>
{GUYS!}
[<What?>]

We were at a cliff edge. I turned around slowly to see all the ponies approaching us. This feels like Monty Python's The Meaning of Life. Where the guy gets chased off the cliff bye topless women. That's a good way to go.

"No where left to run." said Luna. I switched back to normal form. "That's right. Surrender." I jumped off the cliff with my hat in my hooves. I used my magic to turn it into a glider and fly down.

{Not enough time to summon the Clementine.}
[I think we don't even need it. Your that good with your fist.]
{It's true. But don't forget we have it for a reason.}
<Yeah but for how long? You had me for a day and Niko fucked me up.>

I slowly made my way to the bottom and enjoyed the fall.

"I'm free! I'm free-"
[Balling!]
<Balling!>
"Hahahaha!" Time to land gracefully on the sand. "Oof!" or with my face. I got up and brushed all the sand off my face and looked at the sky. The sun was almost set. Meaning only 12 more hours! Oh I'm so close to home plate!

[So what do we do?]
{Well I have a solution. We take the tunic of awesomeness and turn it to a blanket. Than we sleep adorably on it.}
<That's a... actually... a pretty decent idea.>

"Is he still alive?" I heard above me.

"I'm still detecting life signs." said another pony.

"Guys let's find someplace safe first."

The walk to the nearest town was out of mind. We could just stay here. From what I've heard not many ponies can swim. That's an advantage we shouldn't look over.

{Let's build one of those tropical paradise villages with the monkey butlers and water powered technology.}
[And your going to build all those and get monkeys in 12 hours?]
{*sniff sniff* No...}
<Than get your game together! We can't lose now!>
{Yes sir!} I saluted the air. Man I feel stupid.

1 hour later

I was eating one of my muffins. The Doctor never gave me my Banana nut muffin now that I think about it...

Another hour later

I opened the magic scroll and read all of my messages.

'Message 1.

I'm coming after you. ~ Anonymous.'

'Message 2.

You dead yet? You better be. ~ Anonymous.'

'Message 3.

Sorry about not giving you your muffin. I had to use it to stop a black hole. ~ The Doctor.' Aw... that was sweet of him.

"I'm done reading messages!"

2 hours later

"I think I'll grow a beard." I said to myself scratching my 5 o'clock shadow.

1 extremely painful hour later

"I'm not crazy. Who said I was crazy? HEhehehe..."

[I think he's losing it.]
<Stay with me man!> He started slapping the shit out of me. <Come on Dustin! Only 7 hours left!>

"Your right! Besides I have Rocky! The magical island rock!"

"Your friends left you." said Rocky.

"That's kinda... mean Rocky."
[Oh my god it talks.]
<I'd rather have the magic conch.>
[All hail the magic conch!]

"Don't listen to him!" said the rock of awesomeness from my pocket.

"Your right Awesomesauce!" That's what I named him. I gave my pocket a light tap and smiled to myself.

"I hate you!"

"Why are you so mean Rocky?!"

"No one ever liked you!"

"Rocky... *sniff* Your hurting me Rocky!"

"Your parents are dead!"

"FMEOWk you Rocky."

One long nap later

I woke up and looked at my surroundings. I took my hat and rolled it into a telescope and looked around my area. I saw a small float coming up the river. On it was David and Niko.

"Hey! Dustin! Hey!" they both waved. We all had ridiculously long Grizzly Adams Beards.

"Hi guys. How's it going?" I asked them.

"Not good. But hey... only 1 hour left." The water carried their boat further down the river. "Well see you later!"

"Alright bye!" I waved to them. "What a nice girl." I said to my consciousnesses. "I hope she has fun at the dance."
[Uh... stop now! I'm catching your crazy!]
<I"m going to bed.> said Alpha walking inside my head and slamming a door. <Close your right eye!> I did was told.
[So what do we do for an hour?]

"Sand angels!" I threw myself on the sand and started laughing. "Yeah! Whoo! I'm an angel!" I got up and looked down at it. "Aw..." We both looked at the sand devil. It had horns and a tail with a little pitchfork. "Not again."

[Your hallucinating. Maybe you should stop drinking salt water.]
{Good point!}

I took a quick step for the nearest town and tripped on a vein. I fell down face first and passed out.

Several hours later.

I awoke with the sun's beauty shinning on the ocean. The trees provided excellent shade from where I fell.

<Time to go home.>
{Is it? I haven't noticed.}
[*yawn* Look on the bright side... we weren't raped!]
{YES! I DID IT!}
<YAY!>

I teleported outside of Canterlot and noticed how every mare was cleaning up around town. There was a rehab center in the middle of town full of stallions. Guess they had it rough...

"Bass!" called out a lot of ponies behind me. I turned striking a karate pose for precautions. I saw the princesses and every other pony who tried to fMEOWk me. "Sorry about everything." said Luna. "Your the first guy in 2 thousand years to not be victimized. How does it feel?"

"It feels terrible. I'm so tired." I felt a someone put there arms around my neck and pull me in for a hug. "Hello Vinyl."

"Hello Bass. You okay?"

"I'm always okay!"

"You have a map for a hat. A old green shirt that smells like dead flesh, and a long ass beard. You okay?"

"Alright. I'll ditch the beard and tunic."
[We're just going to keep it in our inventory?]
{The tunic. The beard is really itchy. Let's get Rarity to fix it!}
<Great idea! And the hat?>

"I shall never leave this hat for as long as I live!" I yelled dramatically to the sky. "Besides I can turn it to all kinds of shapes and stuff."

"Your such a kid." said Vinyl. "That's why I love you."

"Aw... I love you too." I waited for my kiss but nothing happened. "Where's my kiss?"

"You have this monster of a beard..."

"Fine. I'll go and cut it off. Like right now."

Meanwhile...

"David..." complained Niko.

"Yeah?"

"I think we are on some deserted island that has never been explored before."

"Niko I..."

"Oh god we're going to die!"

"Niko you sh-"

"Why aren't you worried!"

"NIKO!"

"Yeah?"

"Turn around." He turned his head slowly and looked up. Right above us was the castle. We're home. "Oh... well.... yay!"

Meanwhile

I finished trimming the beard and was in the middle of shaving. While I was doing that I noticed something 'white' in the corner of my eye. I turned the mirror to show a pony in a wedding gown.

"What?!" I turned around to meet her.

"Who are you!" she demanded.

"What?"

"Where am I?''

"What!"

"What is this place!"

"WHAT!"