Author's Notes:

The Usual Disclaimer:

The following is a work of parody, and is protected as Fair Use under section 17 U.S. Code § 107 of US Copyright Law. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and all affiliated characters are property of Hasbro Inc.

I own nothing. All characters, settings and other belong to their respective owners. This is purely a fan-work with no intent towards profit, slander or harm towards the characters, settings or other, or their respective owners. If the respective owners feel that this fan-work in any way, shape or form threatens or besmirches their property, please let me know so that it be can be removed asap.

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And we swap from torturing Twilight to torturing Shining Armor. I'm not sorry. Also behold the dark secret to Cadence's title of Princess of Love.

CHAPTER 57

“So we’re stuck?” Spud asked softly, the two Stallions sitting in the back-yard, smoking and ‘enjoying’ a cup of tea as the rest of the expanded household enjoyed a racous debate indoors over who would sleep where and what furniture would go where.

“We’re stuck. Velvet and Thunderwing pointed out the … idiocy … of trying to up and fight the Shadow Court with so many non-combatants in the group, and I’ve gone over and over it in my mind, but the fact remains they’ve got the right of it.” Night Light groaned and took a long drag of his cigarette. He’d given it up years ago when first joined the army, picked the habit up again when Shining first came into the world and Night Light suffered the jitters all first-time parents get, and then kicked it again when he realized his new son was being exposed to his second-hoof smoke.

It was a testimony to how shaken up he felt right now that he’d weakened and borrowed a cigarette from Spud after years of denying the damn things.

“Bollocks. I was lookin’ forwards to knockin’ some heads in.” The burly, mangled Earth Pony snorted, twin streams of smoke ejecting from his nostrils. “Can’t say I blame you, lad. Me lovelies might be willin’ an' able to kick all kinds of arse, but let’s be honest with ourselves, most of our wives and partners here aren’t military, and most of us who were haven’t been on the frontlines in over a decade. That said … maybe a road-trip’s in order?”

“We’re just about ready to make my house into a veritable fortress of solitude in suburbia and you want to take a road-trip?”

“Think about it, Night. We know the Shadow Court’s gonna come for us sooner or later, an’ the Princess has made sure we can’t leave the country to get away from them wit’ that royal order she sent each an’ every one o’ us. Even with all the pretty lil’ toys Thunderwing’s snagged for us, we’re still jus’ a hoof-ful of old soldiers wit’ our special someponies jus’ sittin’ in a house, waitin’ fer an attack that could wipe half of us out before we’re even aware its happenin’.” Spud explained, taking a loud, noisy slurp of his cup as Night took a quiet, thoughtful sip while he listened to his former commanding officer’s idea. “So once we get the house all set up … road trip. We all go out, pretendin’ we’re goin’ shoppin’, but what we’re really doin’ is getting’ ourselves outta Canterlot for a few weeks, an’ seein’ that Thunderwing’s bein’ so good to us, we get some Royal Guards to occupy the house while we’re gone, pretend to be us while Royal Guards ferry food an supplies into the house fer them, pretendin’ we’re all hunkering down like mice ‘fore the winter.”

“…You’re talking about what we did with the Gryphon artillery-units at Thunder Falls, aren’t you? Have the injured troops moving around and making as much noise as they can so it looks like the unit is just lounging around in the bunkers, while the bulk of the unit was actually moving to another location while Gryphons dug in to fight the ‘troops’ at the original base.”

“Sorta, but we’re not gonna be getting’ blood on our hooves, your brides be right on that count. Me lovely Autumn Glory is a member o’ the Apple-Clan, an’ we got kin all across Equestria, so gettin’ messages back to Canterlot on the sly won’t be hard, an’ if’n we keep movin’ randomly ‘cross the country an’ visitin’ me wife’s family, an’ there’s Apples everywhere in Equestria, we should keep the Shadow Court from findin’ us too easily.” The burly Stallion gave Night Light a broad grin as he spoke. “Thunderwing says the Shadow Court’s got most of their ponies tied up in Canterlot tryin’ to keep the pressure up on the Princess an’ undermine her in the papers, so they rely on eyes-for-hire to keep track of things outside o’ the capital, an’ those wage-thieves ain’t known fer bein’ the kind o’ careful that the Shadow Court is. If we keep a low profile an’ blend in, we could be halfway ‘cross the country before they even realize we’re not in the capital, and then they gotta find us amongst all those Ponies out there …”

“There’s a couple of problems with that plan, Spud. Vet’kloue is a Zebra, and they aren’t exactly common in Equestria. And your mug isn’t something that’s easily hidden while we’re on the topic.” Night Light pointed out, frowning slightly at how pessimistic he sounded.

It was a good plan. It could work. It would throw the Shadow Court off their trail for several weeks, if not longer, if they took pains to hide their identities and keep away from the obvious tourist-traps where Ponies, and cameras, were common-place.

So why was he so determined to find fault with it?

“Eh, I’ve got a wig from the old days I can put on that’ll cover me ears, an’ Vet’kloue an’ me other brides can figure out how to deal wit’ her stripes. C’mon Night, it’ll work. The Princess did say ‘anythin’ sort o’ leavin’ the country or treason’. We go an’ borrow some bits, take a quiet, eh, ‘country tour’ while leavin’ some Royal Guards behind to make your house look lived in, an’ we keep movin’ till that evil old mule gets dealt with.”

“I want to clear it with everypony else first, but I think you’re right, Spud. We get Celestia to loan us the bits for an extended trip around the countryside, do what we can to make ourselves as boring and bland as we can and try to wait this out. I just … I just wish we could do something, you know?” Night Light put down his cup of tea, leaned forwards and put his face in his hooves. “We’re old. Faust help me, but we’re all so old. I was so sure we’d take the fight to the Shadow Court, to Bluebone, we’d knock their little house of cards over and laugh as their plans went up in smoke, like the old days, but … we’re not those Ponies anymore, are we?”

“S’not a happy thing to admit, but aye, our days o’ piss’n’vinegar are done. Tha’s not to say we still can’t put the hoof in when we get the chance, but we gotta be smarter’n we were back in the old days.” Spud relied sagely, then lifted a haunch and let rip with enough force Night Light swore he felt a breeze. Thankfully the calming smoke of the cigarette had poisoned his mouth and nostrils enough he couldn’t smell anything. “But do remember lad, we’ve got some of the brassiest soldiers ever to sign up fer the Princess’s Guard. Ex-snipers, scouts, intelligence-ponies, even yours truly. Jus’ cause we ain’t lookin’ these prigs in the eyes as we’re kickin’ their faces in don’t mean we can’t fight, jus we gotta be fightin’ smarter.”

“How? If we’re laying low and keeping our heads down, how can we fight?”

“The Apple-Clan is the key, lad. The family’s almost all Earth Ponies, an’ maybe a smatterin’ o’ the other Tribes, an’ that puts the whole family square in the sights o’ the Shadow Court’s agenda, an’ both sides know it. We get the Apples’ all riled up-like, an’ get ‘em pointed at the Shadow Court and their Council, we’re gonna pick a fight unlike anythin’ Equestria’s seen in centuries.” Spud turned and gave his friend a wicked grin, made almost malevolent by his stumps of ears and mangled face. “Apples run a lot o’ the country lad. Maybe not own a lot of high-fancy places like the Shadow Court does, but farms, breweries, small businesses? An’ most everypony in the country does business with an Apple somehow, so if’n we get the entire Clan to start makin’ a stink ‘bout the Unicorn bigots in Canterlot …”

“Wait … aren’t we then putting the Apples in the firing line then? What’s the point in saving our partners if we put all those Ponies at risk?”

“If’n the Shadow Court wins, then they’ll all be workin’ fer Ponies who seem all other Tribes as sub-equines. Better to pick this fight a’fore the Shadow Court can gain any more ground than they’ve got. An’ besides, it was Autumn Glory who suggested it to me after we came home from shopping an’ she had a chat wit’ yer bride when you were sulkin’ in your room.” The mangled grey-coated Stallion replied, waving a hoof at Night Light’s startled expression. “You’re so worried ‘bout the Shadow Court an’ their Council you forget their reach only has bite in Canterlot. Y’get a few miles from the walls, best they can do is write some lies in the papers or maybe hire a few thugs t’getcha in a dark alley. An’ old we might be, but a buncha nancies like them six idiots who came for you in the Bronze Leaf ain’t gonna be much o’ a problem fer us.”

“Think ‘bout it, Night. How many Ponies can the Shadow Court really throw at us? A few hundred? A few thousand? I can tell you now, the Apple-Clan has tens o’ thousands o’ kin, an’ even more that trade with ‘em, depend on ‘em fer jobs or call ‘em friend?” Spud continued, his remaining eye twinkling with evil mirth. “We’ll not be trying to start riots, but imagine it, lad. All them voices, raised as one, demandin’ the Princesses stamp out the corruption, callin’ fer justice. Ain’t no amount o’ lies and slander the papers can print that’ll be able to drown that out, be like a beaver’s damn tryin’ to hold back a tsunami o’ shit.”

Night Light sat back and looked at Spud, chewing on his bottom lip.

The plan could work. No, scratch that, it would work. The Shadow Court and their ‘Council’ had manipulated the media for decades, trying to undermine Celestia’s own authority, trying to portray a Unicorn-dominated Equestria as a sensible option, the only sensible option.

So getting the bulk of the population, who happened to be Earth Ponies, to rail against that agenda could only draw attention to the corruption that the Shadow Court represented. Yes, the Shadow Court would try to stifle the protests and down-play the claims, but if Autumn Glory and Spud were right, and the entire Apple-Clan would play their part …

It can work. We use this attack on myself as a launching point, get Ponies riled up and worried about the Tribalists in Canterlot, it gives Celestia ammunition to use against the Shadow Court, forces the Shadow Council to tread lightly or else expose themselves … scratch Bluebone finally getting his comeuppance, we could actually derail the Shadow Court itself! If the Shadow Court goes to pieces with the individual Council-members trying to save their own hides from the public backlash, Rosebush should be able to throw some plea-bargains here and there from the less-important members, the ones without the bits or connections to avoid the worst of the shit-storm, and from them she should get enough evidence to get the worst of the lot rotting in Horseshoe Bay.

It could work. But the catalyst would be exposing the attack on himself, and Princess Celestia had never said anything about not making an official statement about it … merely that he was only to take ‘defensive’ actions, and was not permitted to leave the country. And Celestia had said ‘any means necessary short of treason or murder’ …

“Hey, Spud?”

“Yeah Night? Thinking of going with the plan?”

“Maybe. But first, do you know if Bronze Gong still keeps in touch with his sister in the Princess’s PR department?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So?”

“So? SO!? Faust damn your proud hide, Bluebone, this is big! Seriously big! The Changelings are back and they submitted to the Princess! I don’t think I have to explain what a political coup that is for the mutant whore, or what happens if this ‘Chrysalis’ is the same Queen your grand-father tried to coerce into helping our order?” Amber Hooves snarled, slamming a hoof down on the desk as the two middle-aged Stallions glared at each other. “Do I need to remind you that the incident with the Changelings infiltrating the city the first time ended in such a disaster that Bluelocks had to take the fall for the entire ordeal, to willingly be framed by the Shadow Court for smuggling migrants into the city as underpaid labourers rather than let the False Princess know we’re tried to coerce an unknown species of shape-changing magic-using bug-ponies into a plot to either replace or assassinate her?”

“I am well aware of what fate my grandfather endured, Almond, or have you forgotten I orchestrated the silencing of my own father after we learned he planned to give up the names of all the Council-members to the Bitch-Princess in exchange for his own life?” Bluebone snorted and leaned back in his chair, trying to project an image of calm disinterest … and seethed as he realized he was likely failing.

The Changelings were back. Their second invasion, the one that had almost ruined the wedding of that filthy air-headed Cadence and the loathesome blood-traitor Shining Armor, the one that most of Equestria considered their first invasion, had caused immense damage to Canterlot’s various districts, and almost unravelled the Shadow Court and ruined the constituent Noble families. Tens of thousands of bits lost protecting the Council-members as the debacle exposed vulnerabilities or secrets were suddenly no longer hidden away beneath lock and key, and even more money, let alone irreplaceable political favours, had to be spent tying off loose ends in ways that made it all but impossible for the Royal Guards to chase the leads to any meaningful end.

But if Chrysalis was the same Changeling Queen his grandfather had failed to coerce into aiding the Shadow Court, she would likely bear a monumental grudge against everypony who had sworn allegiance to the true inheritors of Equestria. And if the Court’s informants were correct and the Changeling Queen was counting on the Bitch-Princess’s supposedly-infinite mercy to give her access to a life-saving operation for her own injuries, Chrysalis would give up the information to save her own monstrous skin, and revenge would be just a happy coincidence. The Shadow Court had to move, and fast, to remove the Queen from the equation before the Changeling was healed and gave up her information to Celestia, information that could destroy the Shadow Court and unravel the Great Work before it reached fruition.

We are close. So close! Bluebone seethed, crossing his forelimbs across his chest and leaning back in his chair as Almond Hooves did the same, but probably for different reasons. Their arguments these days seemed more about Almond trying to save Bluebone’s position, rather than fulfilling his duty as a Shadow Councillor and freeing Unicorn kind from the false-Princess’s shackles of ‘friendship and harmony’ with the lesser Tribes. “Almond … about Beaker’s work, we will need to accelerate his work, regardless of what happens with the Changelings. If need be, members of the Shadow Court can go underground and raise our champion away from Canterlot, groom her to be the successor that our nation needs.”

“Leave Canterlot? You might as well ask them to saw off their own horns and pretend to be mud-ponies! Half of the Councillors haven’t even set hoof down into the Commoner Districts in their entire lives, and Faust only knows what the other half would do if you even suggested it!” Almond scoffed in disgust at the idea.

“No, you fool, think about it! If the Changeling Queen is the same one that caused my grandfather’s fall from power, then she has the entire Shadow Court, and by extension the families of the Councillors, by the balls. At best, our kin would be facing exile from Equestria with nothing but the clothes on their backs, at worst they could face annihilation along with the Shadow Councillors.” Bluebone snapped, unleashing his anger on the other Stallion, who recoiled a little at the venom in Bluebone’s voice. “Forget about my being expunged from the Council and then silenced. Forget about the squabbling of the Councillors for the Chairman’s position. Even forget about our plans for a pure-blooded Alicorn Princess to be our champion. If the Changeling Queen can provide enough evidence that outs any single Councillor in this Trial that the Bitch-Princess is crowing so loud about, each and every one of us is sunk.”

“I am aware of …”

“No you are not. This is Princess Celestia, a Mare who, according to her own journal, written down by her own hoof, single-hoofedly annihilated an entire civilisation thousands of years before our species ever migrated across the Dragonspine Mountains. An entire civilisation, her civilisation, gone in one strike that destroyed the defenders and incinerated the civilian population in an instant.”

Almond blinked a few times and coughed nervously before a muted “I had heard the rumors, but …” sneaked out of his mouth.

“An entire civilisation, Almond, and by all accounts one far more magically advanced than our own, considering even their Mud-Ponies could use magic. According to the relics our people have pulled up on their little unsanctioned digs in the Badlands, this civilisation spanned fully half the continent and had conquered that territory through force of arms before Celesita. Wiped. Her. Own. Tribe. Out.” Bluebone carefully bit off every word while glaring deep into Almond’s eyes. “So cast your concerns about politics and positions aside for the moment and consider what she will do to us? Especially if she finds Professor Beaker’s little carnival of horrors beneath the school?”

To his credit, Almond only paled slightly as he considered that little gem of information

“We need to slip an assassin into the castle and take out the Changeling Queen now, while she’s vulnerable. If she lives long enough to be healed, or even gives up her information first as a sign of good faith …”

The words hung in the air between the two Stallions like some dreadful wraith, casting a pall of doom across the room as the two members of the Shadow Court sat back and plotted.

“It will have to be one of our own that squashes the bug then.” Almond sighed gustily, opening a drawer on his table and pulling out a stout, crystal bottle of dark-red whiskey, and then two tumblers of similarly-cut crystal.

“You have gone mad. One of our own could be traced back to us, and that would be just as fatal for the cause as the Changeling Queen squealing on us.” Bluebone sighed and accepted his glass, cradling it between his front-hooves and savouring the smell of the strong alcohol. If things went poorly in the near future, he might very well not taste such finery for decades, if ever again.

“No, Bluey, this time it’s you who doesn’t understand. None of the usual mercenaries are answering us, not after what happened with the Spiral Pikes, and especially not after a dozen different assassins at Celestia’s little speech this morning were all nabbed by the Royal Guard … after being told that the Shadow Court was the one hiring them, and that we had extraction plans in-place for them should things go south, and then we never showed up to bail them out. Needless to say, the type of mercenaries who’d even dare take on such a job aren’t listening to anything we say when we explain the Shadow Court had nothing to do with those assassination attempts.” Almond explained, and Bluebone grimaced as if he’d tasted something vile. His current … situation had necessitated him being cut off from all current information the Shadow Court had assembled, a security measure he himself had implemented, but still, to be left behind in the schemes of the Shadow Council rankled the Unicorn’s black heart. “Apparently some lunatic dressed up in a white bedsheet and a pointy hat has been hiring out mercenaries like they’ve got bottomless pockets of bits to spend, and after all of the mercenaries he … or she, for all we’ve been able to find out … hired ended up running into the Royal Guard in all the wrong ways, only the most desperate mercenaries are even considering hiring out in Canterlot right now. And their descriptions of the mysterious hiring party matches the description of the same lunatic who hired the six mercenaries from the Spiral Pikes to try to kidnap Night Light and got you into this mess.”

“So long as the Spiral Pikes remain loyal to us, we can compensate for a lack of ponypower. But what about the other groups, ones with less … infamous reputations?” Bluebone asked, teeth grating together in frustration as he rolled the whiskey-filled glass back and forth between his hooves. He had a pleasant arrangement with the Witches who ruled the Spiral Pikes, they took care of his troubles, both outside and inside the Shadow Court, discreetly and in return Bluebone used his political clout and connections to keep the Royal Guard and outraged civilians off their backs. It also afforded both sides leverage on the other, because if one went down, they had enough dirt to drag the other down too.

But if none of the other mercenary companies was interested in working for the Shadow Court, how long would it be before the Blood Witches who led the Spiral Pikes decided self-imposed exile in a nation outside Equestria was preferable to continuing to tie their fates to the Shadow Court, or worse, decided to remove any potential vulnerability by eradicating the Councillors who had dealings with them?

Blood Witches were notoriously difficult to keep under one’s control, and if the Spiral Pikes decided removing the Shadow Court was beneficial to keeping themselves away from Celestia’s disapproving gaze, the Spiral Pikes could do immense damage to the Shadow Court simply due to their familiarity with the Shadow Court’s infrastructure, let alone what over three-hundred hex-wielding Unicorn warriors could do to the actual Court and it’s Councillors ...

“The Silver Horns, as always, flat out refuse any offer we make. Bastards should just sign on with the Night Guard and be done with it.” The other Stallion grumbled, and both Unicorns spat in disgust. Mercenaries should only have allegiances to good solid bits, not some ancient oath of allegiance with the Lunar Monarch. “The Black Points, the Irregular Suspects and the Iron Herd have all, in the politest possible manner I might add, told us to go shove our bits back up our arses. Whoever this blanket-wearing lunatic is, they’ve put the wind up every reliable mercenary company within Canterlot to the point we’d be throwing a veritable fortune at them just to do something other than guard duty …”

“And hiring mercenary companies who don’t have sanction to set up shop in Canterlot would attract even more attention from the Princesses and the Royal Guards down to the thugs in the alleyways … blast!” Bluebone spat in annoyance, the glob landing in the fire-place and sizzling away into nothingness in the flames. We simply don’t have the space for a private army, not in Canterlot, let alone trying to hide their existence from that Whorse, Celestia. And most Unicorns with the potential for combat-training are snatched up by the Royal Guard and indoctrinated into obeying the false Princesses.

“We could try hiring non-Unicorn groups, but managing how our people interact with theirs would be problematic, we would be dealing with members from the lesser Tribes, and ones not used to acknowledging their superiors at that. In the worst-case scenario, we’d be developing more witnesses for the Royal Guard to use against us.”

“No. First, we must divide our resources, all of them, towards two objectives. Above all else, we must find who it is who is going around claiming to speak with our name and bring them to justice. Our justice. Displaying this individual to the leaders of the mercenary groups who have rejected us will have several beneficial results for us, including instilling some respect for our noble cause back into their gold-loving hearts and a succinct reminder of what happens to those who go against the Shadow Court as we twist the life from this upstart wretch before their eyes.” Bluebone’s horn levitated the tumbler out of his hooves and to his lips, the aging Stallion taking a short sip and grimacing as the strong whiskey burned down his throat. “The other objective is to find somepony disposable, somepony unassuming, somepony who is willing to give their life for the cause and get close enough to the Changeling Queen to be the focus of a spell.”

“You know Princess Celestia will have powerful wards in-place after the Blood Witches failed to kill their own troops with a death-hex. She may be a blight on our nation, but the Princess has not held onto power for three thousand years by sitting on her hooves.”

“Oh, undoubtedly, Almond, but we’re not going to be using necromancy or evocation spells. No, we’ll be sending in somepony who won’t arouse suspicion with an item charged with as much telekinetic power as it can hold, focused on a sharp object. All our little assassin will have to do will be get close enough to trigger the item and deliver a strong enough blow to kill the Changeling Queen.” Bluebone took another sip of his whiskey and smiled as the burn came again, but this time milder, and his insides warmed with the firey liquor. “There’s many Ponies within the serving staff of the castle who require aids to assist in their duties, why not a poor little Mare whose magical abilities are below par who needs a charmed amulet to help her with simple telekinesis?”

“That … is absolute genius, Bluebone. The Whorse-Princess has a tendency to take pity on the weak, and such a cover-story wouldn’t rouse any suspicion from the Royal Guards.”

“Shall we see to the plan then?” Bluebone smirked as Almond nodded and rushed from the room to send the information to the other Councillors, the white-coated Stallion leaning back into his chair and downing the tumbler of whiskey in one gulp before levitating the bottle over to his side and pouring himself another glass of Almond’s whiskey.

Savour your temporary victories, Celestia, you whorse. I will see the Unicorns claim their rightful place as rulers over all the Tribes, and you and the other freaks of nature will exist only long enough to challenge this ‘Unnamed One’ before I purge the world of your filth, once and for all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“What do you mean we can’t take a Pegasi-powered chariot?” Shining Armor fumed, glaring holes through the pale-faced Royal Guard’s skull as the spluttering Pegasus frantically tried to appease the furious Royal Consort, while Cadence, rather unhelpfully, had commandeered what looked like an entire pallet’s worth of post-it notes, enough coloured yarn to knit a dozen sweaters and several boxes of push-pins and had turned the largest wall in their suite into something that belong in a strategy-meeting from the lowest pits of Tartarus, all the while giggling in a way that made Shining’s mane stand on end.

“Ah-a-apologies, Royal Consort, but after the trip to Ponyville to combat the Succuponi, Commander Dart ordered every chariot to undergo rigorous testing when several of the Unicorns who had recently used them commented that they noticed the floors of the vehicles sagged under their weight.” The poor Pegasus Royal Guard whimpered, still gamely holding his parade position even as his face and wings screamed he just wanted to run away. “Th-the only remaining chariots are either already in use ferrying troops and special supplies to the border we share with the United States of Gryphonia, or were commandeered under special order by Princess Luna to ferry supplies to sustain a flock of her Night Guard that has been moved to Ponyville to oversee protection of the Bearers.”

“All of the chariots.”

“Y-yes, Royal Consort, all of the chariots.”

For several moments, Shining glared into the poor Stallion’s eyes before stepping back silently and closing the door in the other Pony’s face, pretending he hadn’t heard the tearful ‘Thank Faust’ from the other side of the door.

“For the love of …” Shining hissed, conjuring a small shield around his muzzle and then venting his frustrations at the top of his lungs into the sealed space, allowing every vulgar word and frustrated scream out while not disturbing his wife until he had to dispel the barrier to breathe before doing it again and again until he finally felt calm enough.

This has Dart’s hoof-prints all over it. Shining thought to himself bitterly. And now that I think about it, probably Rhinestone too. Cadence and I haven’t thought about Changelings in hours, we’re locked up tight in the castle since the Royal Train is undergoing repairs because Celestia’s engineers found some sort of ‘mysterious’ problem in the locomotive’s steam-engine, now the Pegasi Chariots are out of commission because of faulty floor-boards …

Celestia had given them the old bait-and-switch tactic, and it burned the former Guardspony’s pride that he’d fallen for it so easily. Cadence would, naturally, go ga-ga at the news of one of her closest friends falling in love, both because of her Aspect and her personality, but for Shining himself? He’d just heard ‘sister’ and ‘marefriend’ and his mind had gone white …

I know she’s straight. I know it. Inexperienced perhaps, but Twilight has always had eyes for Stallions … wait! What if that debacle with Flash Sentry made her give up on Stallions? It would make sense, if she assumed most Stallions were like that git, she’d start collecting facts and … oh Faust, what if that’s what’s happened? A dyed-in-the-wool lesbian convinced Twilight most Stallions are like Flash Sentry and she switched teams because of it!

Horrifying scenarios of trying to explain to his parents how his subordinate had put the kibosh on the prospect of grandchildren from Twilight flashed through Shining’s mind. His parents had been saddened to hear it was highly unlikely that Cadence would conceive given the natural barriers between Mortals and Immortals interbreeding, but the thought of his mother’s expression when told that Twilight would likely never look at a Stallion that way chilled Shining’s blood like not even the perpetual winter that blanketed the lands around the Crystal Empire ever did.

“Ooooooh, I wonder who it could be? Rainbow Dash? Rarity? Maybe Spike …. no, the Westermarck effect is in full effect there and Princess Celestia said ‘Marefriend’. Maybe Fluttershy? Two quiet little Ponies blossoming together … squeeeeeeee!”

At least one of us is happy about this turn of events. The Stallion sighed and turned around to give his princess wife a dirty look that was completely ignored as Cadence’s magic interacted with the sloppy spider’s nest of coloured twine and post-it notes, moving strings and re-arranging the pieces of paper in a complex, chaotic dance as Cadence plotted out the likely Mare that had stolen Twilight’s heart and doomed Shining to being the sole chance of providing the much-desired grandchildren his mother craved.

“Honey, have you considered that it might be somepony you don’t know?” Shining muttered, trudging over to Cadence’s side, who remained oblivious to both his tone and his presence as she continued to alter her ‘shipping chart’.

“Applejack? They’re worlds apart, but maybe … oh. Oh! Pinkie Pie could … no, that would just be too random for Twilight, even if she had fallen in love.”

“Honey.”

“Maybe it’s the zebra? A taste of the exotic, eh, dearest sister-in-law? The last letter I got from her did say she was ‘amazed’ at how much Zecora’s potions could do … scientific curiosity leading to puppy-dog admiration leading to …”

“Honey. Please, just stop, you don’t even know if it’s a steady Marefriend or not. And I’m fairly certain my sister is straighter than Celestia’s damn horn.”

“But the anticipation is killing me, Shining! I’ve been trying to plot out potential partners for your sister ever since she hit puberty!”

“That’s … very creepy, darling.”

“Oh please, you know that Mare needs to loosen up. And I am quite prepared to find somepony to loosen her up, if you know what I …”

“Cadence, that was almost word for word something that came out of Flash’s mouth. You say something like that again, and I will banish you to the Royal Couch.” Shining said flatly, feeling a twinge of anger as Cadence ignored him again to squee at her chart. “And have you forgotten the reason we’re here? The changelings currently hiding under Celestia's roof?”

That got a reaction from his wife, albeit a muted one. Cadence’s face slackened from a maniacal grin to just a small smirk, and her magical manipulations of her chart slowed to a less-aneurism-inducing speed.

“So, since the pegasi chariots are either in the workshop or have been removed from Canterlot to assist Luna’s Night Guard, and considering we’re supposed to have a fleet of over a hundred of the damn things I sincerely doubt that this is anything more than a ruse from Celestia and her Generals to keep us pinned down and distracted, may I make a suggestion?” The white-coated Unicorn pointed out, trying to repress his frustrations.

It wasn’t Cadence’s fault, after all, that such a ridiculously dangerous enemy was now ensconced in Celestia’s own castle and using Equestria’s laws to protect herself … it wouldn't be fair to make her feel the heat of his frustration just because she'd finally found something to take her mind off of the Changelings and what they'd done to her.

“First thing tomorrow, we book a first-class train-booth to Ponyville and take four Crystal Guards with us as a token escort to go visit my sister and go clear this mess up. Once that’s fixed, we come back here, hopefully with Twilight at our heels and bringing that big, complex brain of hers along for the trip, figure out a way to either abort this trial before it can begin or, failing that miracle, find a way to ensure the Changelings are all isolated from the citizens of Equestria for the rest of their unnatural lives.”

“Segregation, Shining? I thought you despised tribalist ways of thinking.”

“When the Changelings can impersonate any Pony, or even just disguise themselves at will, adopting new physical appearances at will, segregation is the only way we’re going to avoid a mass panic from the populace when they learn that Celestia intends to allow the Changelings to stay in Equestria, regardless of how the trial ends.” Placing a fore-leg around his wife’s shoulders and giving her a gentle squeece, Shining continued to explain. “Even if, through some twist of divine sadism, Chrysalis is honestly looking to make things right, do you really want her to get off scot-free after all the harm, all the malice, she has brought to bear on us directly and Equestria in general?”

“No, she has to pay, if only to send a warning that Equestria will not take such abuse quietly. Shining … I sent a letter to Twilight while we were on the train to Canterlot, asking her to help me find a way to talk aunty Celestia out of this madness, but I’ve not received a response. We might have to assume that Twilight won’t want to help us. You know how hero-worship-y she gets around my aunt.”

“And after what happened at our wedding? I know she thinks the world of Princess Celestia, but Twilight is not a fool, and she’s had more encounters with the Changelings than anypony else. For Faust’s sake, she had to go take on the Changeling Queen with just the other Element Bearers after they kidnapped three Fillies from Ponyville! And fought Chrysalis one-on-one, with not a Royal Guard within a hundred miles to call up, and then Twilight dropped a castle on the chitin-covered monster. If that doesn’t just scream ‘Changelings go home’, I don’t know what does.”

“Technically, Chrysalis ponynapped the Cutiemark Crusaders …”

“Okay, so Chrysalis is not only evil, but woefully under-informed about some of the most dangerous Ponies in the kingdom. Blissful ignorance doesn’t excuse gleeful malice, you know that.”

“Oh, I don’t forgive her one bit, Shining dear, but that’s not my concern at this moment. By now we should have either had a panicked letter back from Twilight, or a positively incendiary Celestia bearing down on us asking why we’re trying to turn Twilight against her.” Cadence leaned into Shining’s embrace and wrapped a wing around him in turn, and for a few moments the two shared the simple, wordless comfort of each other’s presence and warmth. “The silence frightens me, Shining. Twilight should have responded in some fashion by now, and the fact that we haven’t even gotten so-much as post-it note back is very abnormal for Twilight.”

“So if we take that knowledge and combine it with the news that Twilight has decided to become either bisexual or a lesbian, just weeks after a monumentally life-changing event like becoming an entirely new species … it doesn’t look good, Shining. This is a crucial time for Twilight’s development as an Alicorn, both for Immortal and political reasons, and the last thing anypony needs is potentially the most magically gifted of the alicorns twisting her aspect from Magic to Magical Sex. We’ve already got enough population issues without Twilight ‘fixing’ things.”

“So the chart is …” Shining asked softly, trailing a hoof along a length of red twine that led from Twilight to a piece of paper bearing the name of one of her friends, noting that there were scores of similar post-it notes arrayed around Twilight. His mind reeled at the implications of some of those connections, and some of them just flat-out caused his imagination to recoil in horror as his subconscious reflexively gave him imagery of said Ponies making out with his sister.

“The chart displays the most likely individuals in Ponyville who could establish a romantic rapport with Twilight under the current situation. Honey, you remember back at the Crystal Empire I sealed off a small section of the western wing that used to be a library for my personal use? Well, that room alone is bigger than your parents’ house, and I converted it into a ‘shipping room’ so I could accurately keep track of every potential soul-mate and romantic partner Twilight could realistically have access to. There are literally that many Ponies out there that I needed so much space to map out potential links and … well, let’s be honest, Cupid could fire every arrow he’s got into your sister’s backside and she would still be more interested in a dictionary than a dong.”

“…Thank you for that lovely mental image, Cadence. That said, have we considered my sister might have just snapped under all the stress, and this is a purely physical fling to work her frustrations out in a healthy manner?”

“Maybe on behalf of the other party, but from Twilight’s perspective …?”

“True, she’s very much a sappy romantic at heart. Something to do with somepony filling her head with ‘mushy stuff’ waaaay back when.”

“Excuse me? I am the Princess of Mushy Stuff, and you’d better respect that, buster!”

“Hey, I like mushy stuff, you of all Ponies know that, or did you forget how I finally popped the question to you? But you do have to admit that Twilight can interpret things very … literally. I will admit to sometimes wondering if we might have set the bar too high for Twilight to find a partner with how we … went about things.” Shining pointed out, nuzzling the side of Cadence’s muzzle as she pouted at him. “Born of doting parents, one of whom willingly cast aside her Noble status to be with her love, baby-sat by a Princess, taken on as the personal student of another Princess, one who runs the entire country and who literally makes the heavens move on command, and she’s got a dragon as a baby brother because she’s one of the most powerful Unicorns the world has seen since Starswirl the Bearded. If we didn’t know her, we’d assume she was the sort of godawful sues that keep popping up in romantic fiction aimed at teenagers.”

“Well then, it’s a good thing we’re heading to Ponyville first thing tomorrow morning to see just who Twilight’s decided to share her life with.”

“Cadence, I’m sure it’s just a temporary thing.”

“… Shining, there’s no shame in loving somepony of the same gender.”

“Or of a different race, while we’re on the subject, Cadence, but this is my sister. She’s straight. As an arrow. If she's happy with somepony, I don't really care what gender, or even species, they are, but my sister has always been straight, and suddenly switching teams, while all of this is going down, makes me wonder if there isn't something else going on.”

“And a virgin. So really, her sexuality is mostly conjecture up until she gets her privates pounded.”

“CADENCE! That’s my sister, eeeeeeew!”

“Actually, that raises a valid question: Do you think Twilight’s been in the closet all this time, or is she simply noticing how wonderfully soft another Mare’s body can be?”

“How would you know that?! Wait, no, back up and tell me when this happened, preferably with pictures!”

“Uhm, I never actually … you do remember our first time, right?”

“It’s sort of etched into my brain, Cadence. You don't make share yourself with the love of your life and forget it, especially not when said love of my life is you.”

“Well … you remember how I used to be super-huggy when we first met? And I used to hug your mother a lot …”

“…Oh dear sweet Faust, no. We are not having this conversation anymore. No. No no no no, a hundred times no.”

“It was just a silly filly’s crush! Shining! Get back here!”

“Oh hell no. I am going to go get a servant to get me some of Celestia’s strongest spirits and drink until the fact you were trying to feel up my mother is firmly erased from my memories.”

“She’s an attractive mare, Shining! Just because she's your mother doesn't magically negate that fact!”

“WE ARE NOT HAVING THIS CONVERSATION!”