Author's Notes:

The Usual Disclaimer:

The following is a work of parody, and is protected as Fair Use under section 17 U.S. Code § 107 of US Copyright Law. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and all affiliated characters are property of Hasbro Inc.

I own nothing. All characters, settings and other belong to their respective owners. This is purely a fan-work with no intent towards profit, slander or harm towards the characters, settings or other, or their respective owners. If the respective owners feel that this fan-work in any way, shape or form threatens or besmirches their property, please let me know so that it be can be removed asap.

Please support the show.

Apologies for taking so long to get this one pushed out, real life jumped up and high-kicked me square in the proverbials. The next chapter(s) should not take much longer to get a work-over to avoid another disaster like Chapter 49.

CHAPTER 51

“Seriously?” Cadence fumed, reading the telegraph and scowling angrily as she noticed how firmly Celestia had worded things.

Due to the nature of your previous encounters with the refugees of Hive Chrystalis, it has been decided that for the safety of all parties involved, neither Princess Cadence nor any individuals from the Crystal Empire shall be allowed to be alone with any members of Hive Chrysalis. Translation: Cadence and her Guards were not to be left alone with the Changelings, for the Changelings’ protection.

Given the serious nature of the Trial to decide if Equestria shall accept the Changelings into the nation as a race granted full rights and responsibilities, Crown Princess Cadence of the Crystal Empire is forbidden from using, either directly or in round-about methods, the public media of Equestria to negatively influence the course of the Trial or prevent Queen Chrysalis from staying in Equestria long enough to allow the Crown to understand the nature of the threat of the Elder Queens. Translation: She was not to say or do anything to intentionally disrupt the Changeling trials as the Changeling Queen had come babbling about a threat to them all from her elder siblings and would not reveal that information unless her life and those of her surviving brood was guaranteed. And just to twist the knife, Cadence was not to speak to the public, the media or the Nobility about the Changelings in her position as the Princess of Love or the Monarch of the Crystal Empire or to otherwise attempt to ‘negatively’ affect the public’s impression of the Trial.

And finally, Cadence was not to attempt to order Shining Armor or any of the Crystal Empire Guards to perform actions that would violate the spirit or wording of the terms that her dear aunt had so bluntly laid out. Failure to comply would no doubt see her dear aunt send Cadence packing to the Crystal Empire and her role in the up-coming trial would be revoked and any hope of seeing the bug-queen pay for her crimes in person would go up in smoke.

The ‘joy’ of diplomacy at work, since Cadence was now the monarch of a different nation rather than the ‘spare’ Princess the other Nobles had always mocked her for being, meant that Princess Celestia could eject Cadence as soon as the pink Alicorn did something that could be construed as detrimental to or hostile towards Equestria … or any individuals seeking political asylum within that nation.

And once again, Chrysalis plays us like a damn fiddle because my dear aunt has to try and be so bucking noble. It took a tremendous effort of will for Cadence to not crumple the sheets of paper between her hooves and incinerate it like the trash they were, but she wanted Shining and the other Crystal Guards to see what they were up against. Highly irregular and perhaps more than a touch petty, but having her loyal Guardsponies being fully aware of the limitations placed on them would hopefully make Shining’s burdens lighter, and perhaps with minds less used to the restrictions of ‘polite’ diplomacy, they could come up with a way to get it through Celestia’s thick, houlier-than-thou skull that the only thing the Changelings deserved was a solar-powered hoof up their ponu…

“Your majesty?”

Immediately, Cadence schooled her expression into one of pleasant serenity, beating down the irrational surge of annoyance and guilt as memories of Celestia trying to teach her the ‘Court Face’ and teasing her throughout the ‘lessons’ with scandalous stories and uncannily-placed scrying sensors in the Royal Guard locker-rooms to see if Cadence could hold the expression and posture when exposed to obscene or ludicrous situations.

“Enter, please.” Taking pride in how her voice betrayed nothing but pleasantness, the Crystal Princess’s eyes widened in pleasure as Adamant, her husband’s stoic and reliable second-in-command, entered the room bearing pannier-bags stuffed with cupcakes.

As did another crystal pony, one with a crystalline coat of turquoise and a mane of off-white whom she found, to her distress, she could not place a name to, followed by her husband, both of whom bore similarly-stocked panniers, with the un-named Crystal Pony carrying what appeared to be more cupcakes, and Shining carrying bottles of some sort …

“All okay, Cadence?” Shining asked loudly, mouthing ‘we have reporters outside the train’ as the other two stallions walked into the room and began loudly rummaging around in their carry-bags as they pulled out the baked goods for her perusal.

How in the shadow of Celestia’s fat flanks did they know we’d be coming down this line? The pink Princess thought to herself in bitter surprise as she nodded, hoping Shining understood. “All is well. I just received a message from Princess Celestia. Once all the Guards return to the train, we’ll go over the situation in Canterlot then.”

Reporters meant Ponies who took their marching orders from groups like the Murdock and Muckraker families, let alone that horrible Stump, Ponies who seemed to take offence that somepony could jump over them on the social pecking order by divine intervention, whom had taken great pains over the past few decades to launch smear-campaign after smear-campaign at Celestia, then Cadence when she had first Ascended, then Luna upon her return, and in a move that made Cadence’s blood boil just thinking about it, the wretches had turned their sights on Twilight mere hours after the news of Twilight’s own Ascension had become public knowledge.

Reporters who belonged to those Ponies probably had no idea, or at least Cadence hoped they had no idea, that they were in the pockets of the Shadow Court, however many front-ponies removed. And Murdock and Muckraker were known for outfitting their ‘crown-chaser’ reporters with magical equipment designed to penetrate all but the most elaborate and sophisticated anti-scrying defences, equipment just shy of breaking the laws about the types of powerful magical devices that ordinary civilians could legally own, meaning that you could never know if your more intimate moments with a loved one, or even your most private circumstances might not be recorded by some sick little Pony looking to spin a perfectly innocent situation into something monstrously scandalous for a pay-check.

And Stump … Stump didn’t even bother with that. More than a few Ponies barred from Canterlot or even doing time in Horseshoe Bay owed their misfortune to Stump’s hunger to tear down those above him through scandal and slander-via-media, who would go into the courts fully believing they were simply following corporate orders, that they would be protected against the law-suits as part of their contracts, and would then get thrown to the Timber-Wolves by Stump’s lawyers as ‘rogue employees’ and torn to shreds by the outraged victims of their slanderous writing.

And yet still swarms of Ponies vyed for a place in Stump’s organisation, despite the high-profile cases of his employees being sued for slander and invasion of privacy and the plethora of Ponies whom the fat, rich old mule had burnt over the years to get to where he was.

Everypony has their price, and apparently a lot of reporters prices are the fat wages Stump pays for Ponies who will hound and harass the Throne every chance they get. I wonder if Princess Luna has ever tried to enter his dreams to see what motivated that fat tub of lard to such evil against his fellow Ponies …

“Your Majesty? Errr, Princess Cadence?”

“Hmm? Oh, my apologies, Adamant. I was lost in my thoughts …”

“It is no trouble, your Majesty, but Royal Consort Shining Armor has left to go cast the standard counter-scrying charms on the carriage before the briefing. Before he left, Shining Armor asked us to give you the muffins and then see if you had any other needs before we assumed our posts at the door.”

“I am … fine for now, Gentleponies, although I will ask for some privacy with my little ‘victims’ here.” Cadence forced a grin on her face as she levitated the bags out of the hooves and pannier-bags of the Crystal Guards, a grin that turned decidedly less forced as she caught sight of the goodies inside. Strawberry cupcakes with white chocolate chips! These will be almost as good as Pinkie Pie’s double-chocolated red velvet cupcakes! Bless your heart, Shining, and bless whatever baker had made these!

“As you say, Princess.” Adamant and the un-named Crystal Pony bowed and left her to the cupcakes, taking up flanking positions outside the door before closing it behind them.

A few cupcakes later, and with some sugar and endorphins flowing through her brain, Cadence put the wretched papers from her aunt down on the desk and examined them with fresh eyes, grinning to herself as she eyed the wording and carefully examined them with all the information from her private tutoring from Celestia, and her experiences as the Crown Princess of the Crystal Empire, finding the one thread, the one chink in the armor, that only those closest to Celestia would probably be able to see.

Celestia had certainly stopped Cadence and her Royal Guards from causing a ruckus … but Celestia, poor, good-hearted, noble-to-a-fault Celestia had neglected to add the most powerful weapon in Cadence’s arsenal to that damnable list simply because the Princess of the Sun simply couldn’t conceive that weapon ever being turned on her.

No more. I will not allow Equestria to be invaded again, our Ponies thrown into cocoons and their love sapped way by the Changelings because of my aunt’s foolish notion that every being can be redeemed. If she will not do what is right for the Nation, then I will, and damn the consequences!

Levitating a quill from its holder, Cadence reached for a fresh sheet of paper and an ink-pot, and began writing.

“Dear Princess Twilight …”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Okay … to the first order of business: Pinkie?”

“Yeah, Twilight?”

“I need you to find the Cutiemark Crusaders and bring them back to the library within the next ten minutes. I don’t care how you do it, just bring them back here as soon as you can, and as quietly as you can.”

“But that boooooooooring! Can’t we just …”

“Pinkie, I swear to Faust, just get the Crusaders and bring them back here, please, without making this a song and dance that half of Ponyville gets involved in. Rainbow Dash just explained that when the Crusaders came back to the Apple’s house with the Spellscroll chest, the lock was missing and they admitted to being affected by that infernal, bedamned cake.” Twilight turned and fixed her pink friend with a glare that could have melted through an adamantite door … and was utterly ineffective against Ponyville’s resident Cloud Cuckoolander. “We’ve just had a major falling out with Rarity, all of us, the Element of Generosity just switched Bearers, and Sweetie Belle swore she wouldn’t go home until Rarity apologized, and Faust only knows what kind of spells Sweetie Belle learned from Weeaboo’s Scroll. So do that hoodoo that you do so well, find the Crusaders and bring them home before Sweetie Belle does something rash … or rash-er than whatever it was she and the rest of the Crusaders did to themselves last night.”

“Ah ain’t sure ah wanna know the specifics ‘bout that.” Applejack muttered as she held the door open for the pink party pony to prance down the stairs, looking a little sickly under her now-very creased hat. “There’s some things a big sister shouldn’t know ‘bout, an’ her lil’ sister’s escapaded ‘tween the sheets is pretty high up on that list.”

“Eeeyup.” Big Mac said with a loaded look as his gaze moved from Applejack to Zecora and then to Fluttershy. “An’ we’re gonna have a loooong talk when we get home, lil sis.”

“Ah, buck …” The Farm-Mare took one look at her brother and groaned, pulling her hat over her face, and both Fluttershy and Zecora blushed, although Twilight noted with some surprise that the Zebra was still grinning as she did so. Note to self: Research if all Zebras are as relaxed about sexual situations and encounters as Zecora, or if this is a trait she picked up from her Shaman training or just a personal quirk. The last thing I want to do is offend the ambassador … if Zebrica ever actually sends one.

“Lan’s sake girl, ah’ve still got enough pep in me to grab some soap an’ wash your mouth out!” The elderly matriarch of the Apple Clan fussed, waving her walker with one shaking leg at her grand-daughter. “You watch your language in-front of the Princesses, or so help me Faust, ah’ll tan your hide even tanner! Ah didn’t raise no muck-mothed little sna-”

“Okay, before we get derailed for a third time today … Applejack? I want you to get everypony here downstairs and get some tea and coffee on. We’re going to be having a talk with Filthy Rich and his team, and we could be a while.” Twilight coughed and pointedly ignored the angry look Granny Smith shot her. “I need about five or ten minutes to make sure Spike is doing okay. He took the news about Rarity rather hard, and I want to make sure he understands this is just a temporary spat, we are not losing Rarity as a friend.”

“Really? ‘Cause it seems Rarity isn’t too keen on being a friend to us!” Rainbow Dash snorted angrily, ignoring the smack Applejack delivered to the Pegasus’s good shoulder.

“Rarity got every bone she’s got between her shoulders and her pelvis fractured by your Sonic Rainboom Punch, Rainbow. Whether or not she deserved it is up for debate, but to Rarity’s point of view, she has been punished beyond all reason for somepony else’s mistake.” The purple Princess pointed out, walking to the doorway of her bedroom with a fatigued stride, her wings drooping slightly. “And as far as Spike is concerned, the Mare he’s been pining after for the past three years just got assaulted by another Mare he greatly looks up to. And to make matters worse, Spike is probably afraid that Rarity might cut all ties with us, and shun him by association, so right now he’s probably being torn in half between his family and his crush ...”

“I will leave young Spike’s heart in your hooves, Twilight, and see to it that nopony enters the library until Filthy Rich and yourself deem it safe.” The Lunar Princess offered as she levitated Granny Smith into the air, the old Mare’s joints too inflamed with arthritis and the steep climb up Twilight’s stairwell to risk a trip down on her own power. “You know him best of all out of all of us.”

Do I? Twilight found herself thinking as she followed the rest of the Ponies down the stairs, then took a sharp left towards the door that led to her basement, grimacing as she took the stairs in complete darkness. Spike had turned the lights off … Not a good sign.

“Spike?” Twilight called into the darkness, wanting to light her horn, but given that Spike had purposefully plunged the room into complete darkness, she felt the need to respect that choice. Faust knew, her little brother had little enough control over things right now. If he wanted this darkness, she’d let him have it.

“Hey … Twilight. Just … just give me a second, I’ll turn on the lights.” Spike’s voice, thick with emotion, sounded from the other side of the room, and the new Alicorn waited patiently for Spike to shuffle over to the light-switch. Being a Dragon, he could see in the dark perfectly well, or at least he should have been able to, but then again, not even the Royal Archivist had been able to identify which of the many sub-species of Dragons that Spike belong to, and Princess Celestia had always deflected the subject …

“When you’re ready, Spike. I know the past few days have been rough. Rougher than usual, at least.”

“That’s the understatement of the century…” Spike muttered as he flicked the switch up with a stubby claw, and Twilight winced as she saw her little brother’s eyes had turned red from crying. “You and Luna became accidental lesbians, another crazy stalker of yours invades our home and Mom nearly evaporates the library with an overpowered spell of binding, and now Rarity is … is acting like a complete foal!”

Twilight blinked. Slowly. Then rapidly several times. Then slowly again. Her brain was trying to process two very alarming, competing ideas at the same time and it had an obvious effect on Twilight as her blinking was rapidly joined by a nervous tic at the corner of her mouth.

Wait, another crazy stalker? And Spike said Rarity, RARITY of all Ponies, is acting like a foal? Twilight’s panicked, fatigued brain screamed at her. Quick! You are the older sibling, the responsible big sister, you need to take charge of the situation and be a pillar of support for Spike right now!

“Wuuuuuuh?” Twilight said loudly, wings falling limp at her side to the point her feathers trailed along the ground as she staggered over to Spike and squeezed him into a hug.

… Buck it, I’m out. Twilight’s mind sighed, turning around and walking out a doorway that led to Twilight’s subconscious.

“Yeaaaaah, you know, the Ponies that were trying to sneak into the library after hours to leave love-notes on your pillow, or watch you sleep. Why else do you think I keep sleeping in a basket at the end of your bed after all these years?” Spike half-sniffed, half-laughed as he returned the hug, oblivious to the fact he had just caused his older sister to have a small mental hiccup. “You did … know about them, right Twilight?”

“Hamurparumpft.” Twilight replied as her face spasmed in ways nature never intended, her hind-legs, wings and tail now doing a rather accurate representation of one of Pinkie Pie’s ‘Pinkie Sense’ dances as she stroked Spike’s head-fin with a forehoof.

“…Huh. I don’t know if I should be offended you never noticed, or grateful that you’re not going into a full psychotic meltdown while holding my head between your hooves.”

A short while later, once emergency chest-rubs and chin-scratches had been administered to a twitching Princess of Friendship and Twilight had been turned away from turning Ponyville into a smoking pile of magically-charred rubble, Spike and Twilight found themselves sharing Spike’s basket, with the young Drake sitting in the Alicorn’s lap with Twilight’s forelimbs wrapped around him and Twilight nuzzling the Spike’s head and crest.

“…And you’re sure you’re okay?” Twilight murmured, enjoying the feel of Spike’s body cradled against her own, feeling safe in the solitude and silence of her ‘experiment’ room with her baby brother in her hooves. “With Rarity? With Luna and I and everything that’s going to change?”

“No. But I’ll manage, so long as you and the others don’t leave me behind. It’s kind of lonely without you guys, you know? The Cutiemark Crusaders are always off doing their own thing and since I’m a Dragon and can’t get a Cutie Mark, I don’t get invited on their adventures much these days, and Snips and Snails spend most afternoons at supplementary lessons with Cherilee these days, so I’m … I’m on my own a lot.”

Twilight squeezed her little brother tighter, feeling her heart prick in pain. Has Spike had to deal with this all alone while I just … lived? Caught up in friendship and my studies and … no, focus Twilight! Focus on Spike and what he needs right now.

“What if I asked Cherilee if I could help tutor Snips and Snails? Then you three could hang out more often?”

“That’d be … all kinds of awesome, actually. But are you sure? I like Snips and Snails, but they’re … they’re not really good students like the Crusaders are. They only turn up to school because it’s less hassle than what they’d get for skipping Cherilee’s classes.”

“I’ll take a pair of slacker truants over any world-ending threats like Nightmare Moon, Discord or Changeling Invasions. Besides, maybe if they can have a reward like my hair-increasing spells, they might be inclined to put some effort into studying, and they might learn that learning can be fun!”

“… I’m agreeing to this only because I am going to get a kick out of watching an immovable object meet an unstoppable force.”

“Eh?”

“Your enthusiasm for studying versus Snips and Snails apathy towards it.”

“Oh ha ha ha. I’m sure I can at least bump their grades up to a B-. At least.”

“If you can manage that, I’ll agree to go on that diet you keep bugging me about.”

“Weeeeeeell … you’re a growing Dragon, so I really don’t want to cut down on your gems.” Twilight hummed and rocked back and forth, giggling to herself as she imagined Spike’s pitiful expression at losing access to his beloved gems. But that would be far too cruel, especially after Spike has been so brave and understanding. “How about if I fail to increase Snips and Snail’s average grade by the end of the year, I redo our schedules so you can have Saturday’s off, every week, so you can go spend time with your friends regardless?”

“And if I sabotage my friends’ lessons, I’ll be hurting their chances of employment later on in life. Very cunning, Princess Twilight …” Spike teased, tickling her chin with a claw as Twilight spluttered in protest. “Not that I’m saying Cherilee is a bad teacher, but between the Crusaders, Snips and Snails, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, I’m amazed she hasn’t … well, pulled a Twilight.”

“I know where you store your emergency icecream supplies, buster.” Twilight half-teased, half-threatened as she snuggled Spike one last time before levitating him out of her lap and onto his own claws before getting up herself, a frown marring her features. “I’d ask if you wanted to be a part of the meeting upstairs, but you’ve had a hell of a morning. We all have, but …”

“Yeah, I’d rather not deal with anypony else right now if I could avoid it. I just want to settle down here, get my things set up the way I want them … and eat a bucket of ice-cream till I feel better.” The young drake muttered, scuffing his feet along the floor as he refused to meet Twilight’s eyes. Feeling a surge of understanding for Spike, Twilight embraced him again, ruffling his spines with a hoof as she felt her little brother’s claws grab onto her in a desperate hug.

“If everything wasn’t so serious upstairs, I’d join you.” She whispered to Spike, who sniffled and gave a weak chuckle. “You with your comics, me with some Daring Do novels, a bucket of ice-cream for each of us and everypony else excluded from the library for the day.”

“Go back to your old ways of reading and studying all day long, and miss out on the wonders of Element Bearer-ness? Surely you could not possibly even think such things, Princess Twilight!”

“Oh go eat coal, you little flamethrower.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I’m not going home.” Sweetie Belle sulked, while beside her, Scootaloo and Apple Bloom both gnawed ineffectively at the bonds of saltwater taffy that bound them together, doing more damage to their fur than the irritatingly sticky taffy ropes.

“You’re not going home, Silly-Filly, you’re going to the library! Twilight wants to talk to you, and then she and Princess Luna are gonna fix eeeeeeeeeeeeeverything, and then Rarity will apologise and be our friend again, and then, then we can have a party!” Pinkie replied, bouncing down the street with the three young Mares stuck in Scootaloo’s cart, being jerked back and forth in their ‘vehicle’ with every prance the irrepressible pink party pony.

“Be tha’ as ith mhay?” Apple Bloom chimed in, trying vainly to unstick her lips from the half-melted taffy gumming up her face. “Dith it reawy nee’ aww thwee of us?”

“My feathers are going to be a mess!” Scootaloo complained bitterly, looking at her small wings which, thanks to the copious amounts of drool she and Apple Bloom had created trying to chew out of the ropes of taffy with which Pinkie had bound them.

Ponies in the street stopped to look at the display, then shrugged and moved on, or shuddered and moved as fast as they felt they could and not attract Pinkie Pie’s attention. Pinkie Pie may have been beloved by the Ponies of Ponyville despite all her bizarre antics and inexplicable ‘quirks’, and the Cutiemark Crusaders were an infamous but amusing trio that kept the various businesses specializing in building and repairs in business, but put together, especially after yesterday’s events, the four Ponies together was enough to make even the most stalwart hearts decide discretion was the better part of valor.

“Besides, I think Twilight is reaaaaaaaally gonna need to fix whatever you three did to yourselves that makes me have a nose-twitchy-twitchy-twitch double-back-leg-shake tail-swish Pinkie Alert. I don’t get those very often …” Pinkie Pie grinned back at the trio as the Library came into view, the bizarre pink earth-pony somehow able to navigate around the corner and miss the Ponies in her path despite looking the wrong way. “… but if she can’t, maybe your Auntie Pinkie can help?”

The Crusaders looked at Pinkie Pie, blinked slowly once in unison and then burst into panicked stammering.

“Ah-ah don’t think that’s legal, Pinkie.” Apple Bloom managed to squeak the words out, face turning as red as her mane as the Crusaders struggled to get their hooves in place to hide their lower bodies, all three grimacing as the likely-unintended ‘offer’ caused their imaginations to run wild, which put uncomfortable pressure on the ‘tuck’ spell every Pony was taught shortly after learning to walk.

“What isn’t legal? I meant we could go to the Princesses, well, I mean the other Princesses, not Twilight, although Luna is here, so I guess we wouldn’t have to take a train to Canterlot immediately, but if Luna doesn’t know, but Celestia does, or Luna does know but she needs a book from the Castle …”

“S’gonna be a loooong day.” Scootaloo muttered darkly as Sweetie Belle and Applebloom nodded sadly as Pinkie babbled on, somehow having gone from Princesses to tubas and singing crystals, while the Library, and their inevitable doom, slowly drew closer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Pinkie, did you … oh. Well then … uh, girls, use the shower and if you could stay in my bedroom until I can sit down and talk to the three of you?” Twilight Sparkle went through another breathing exercise as she took in Pinkie’s huge smile and the tangled mass of bickering ponies in the cart behind her, mushed together with half-eaten, half-mangled strands of sticky saltwater taffy that had apparently gotten everywhere. “I think by the time you get all that taffy out of your manes at least, we should be done down here.”

“I think I’m going to lose half my feathers getting this muck out of my wings.”

“Thanth Twi’wight, thwe ‘pweciathe it.”

“I’m not going home till Rarity apologises, so don’t even think one of your lectures will work!”

“Ooooookay then …” The purple princess plastered on a smile to avoid further arguments as the Crusaders awkwardly got up on a mis-matched number of limbs and half-hopped, half-crawled their collective way up the stairs, the expressions on their faces promising doom to anypony who tried to help them.

“Well, since Miss Pie is here now, and from what Miss Fluttershy and Granny Smith have told me, Miss Rarity is unlikely to be an Element Bearer for the foreseeable future, as well as having a flock of Nightguard hovering over her head, let us begin before something else goes wrong.” Filthy Rich began after the adults gathered in the library heard the bathroom door slam shut, an expression of tired amusement on his face. “Miss Applejack, Miss Fluttershy, Miss Pie and Miss Dash, allow me to reintroduce ourselves. Snowflake, Derpy Hooves, Octavia, Vinyl Scratch and myself are all Royal Agents, and have been keeping an eye on, and an eye out, for all of you since you became Element Bearers.”

“Two of our little group, Time Turner and Ditch, couldn’t make it today due to needing to keep the reporters infesting our quiet little town away from the library for this meeting, but you will be introduced to them as soon as equinely possible. Also, two more Royal Agents have been dispatched from Canterlot to oversee your protection.” The brown-coated stallion continued, apparently immune to the surprised or, in the case of Rainbow Dash, outraged looks being thrown in his direction. “They were scheduled to arrive sometime around nine-thirty or so, which means they are running late, and I fear their appearance will lead to some hard questions being asked of all of us.”

“Wait, back up, back the buck up. Derpy Hooves and Bulk Bic-.”

“My name is ‘Snowflake’. I go by the name Bulk Biceps because Ponyville is the kind of town that can’t handle Ponies having names that don’t match up to their Cutie Ma-.” Snowflake interrupted, earning a violent snort from Rainbow Dash.

“BULK BICEPS are Royal Agents? WHAT? They’re supposed to be smooth, handsome stallions or elegant, cool mares! Like Jam Bond!” The blue Pegasus snapped, slapping a hoof on the couch with her wings rustling with her ill-temper. “How can the least-effective mail-mare in Equestria and a … a … what do you even do, Bulk?”

“Like I said, my name is ‘Snowflake’, not Bulk Biceps. That’s a fake name I go by for … you aren’t even listening, are you?” The bulky white Pegasus sighed and shook his head, sighing softly as Octavia patted him on the back in consolation. “My cover-story in Ponyville is that ‘Bulk Biceps’ works odd-jobs, like labourer, brick-layer, really anything requiring physical effort. Which allows me to move around town and keep an eye on you girls without it seeming strange.”

“Ah’m sorry ‘bout Rainbow’s mouth, but ah gotta ask, why did none o’ yah ever say anythin’? S’not like we couldn’t have used a helpin’ hoof at times.” Applejack added, looking at the Royal Agents, blinking rapidly and then fixing her gaze squarely on Filthy Rich, who merely smiled wanly back at her.

“Two reasons, Miss Applejack. Firstly, we had orders from Canterlot Command that we were only to break cover and assist if any of the Element Bearers were in a situation where their lives were in danger to try and help foster your friendships and to help you all avoid becoming dependant upon outside help, to ensure you focused on using your own unique talents and the powers of the Elements of Harmony. And secondly, while we may be Royal Agents, for the most part we are trained to blend in and notice things other Ponies would miss or ignore.” The middle-aged ‘store owner’ replied pleasantly, giving a short, soft laugh at the way Rainbow was prevented from a diatribe about how ‘uncool’ that was by Pinkie pulling a length of saltwater taffy out of her mane and shoving it into the Pegasus’s mouth. “Unlike what the movies and novels might tell you, and I assure you they are all works of fiction and flights of fancy, most Royal Agents are not superior combatants. When it comes to combat, Vinyl Scratch, Time Turner and myself aren’t trained in anything other than basic self-defence, and Vinyl and Octavia’s abilities are not especially effective when it comes to head-on conflicts. That just leaves Derpy Hooves, our Vapormancer, Snowflake, our sole combat expert, and Ditch … who isn’t even a Pony, which means if he gets involved in a fight in the town, half the Ponies would blame him for the trouble in the first place and the other half would just run around in a blind panic at the sight of him, screaming like headless chickens.”

“Awwww, but Ditch is nice! Dinky loves tea-time with him.” Derpy pointed out, earning a scoff from Octavia and setting Snowflake and Vinyl to muffled giggling.

“Yes, well, little Dinky could charm the horns off an angry Minotaur, but it doesn’t change the fact that, for all the non-Equines in Equestria, Ponies in this town can be disturbingly … close-minded when it comes to outsiders.” Filthy replied, rolling his eyes as Granny Smith gave him a sad look. “Come on, Granny, you of all Ponies should know I’m right. A stampede of rabbits caused a mad panic, let alone when the cows living on your farm got startled by a snake and almost came stampeding through the town. Faust only knows what they’d do if they saw a Diamond Dog walking around town.”

“…Wait. Ditch is a Diamond Dog?” Twilight asked, leaning against Luna as her tired mind tried to keep up with what she was hearing. A Royal Agent was a Diamond Dog?

“Yes … is that a problem, your Highness?”

“No, but I was always under the assumption that Royal Agents were only recruited from individuals born inside Equestria’s borders …”

“Oh, he’s a Canterlite, just like you, Twilight Sparkle.” Octavia said tartly, raising her tea and delicately drinking it in a manner that painfully reminded Twilight of how Rarity would act, a smirk on her face. “Ditch’s Pack maintains the sewers and underground passages of the Castle itself, so it’s not surprisingly that, growing up in the Castle and surrounded by the Nobility as you were, you didn’t know he even existed.”

Ouch … Twilight winced at the other Mare’s sour tone. “That … is also a good point. Between lessons with Princess Celestia and trips home to see my family, I really didn’t get out much in Canterlot.”

“A good point, but perhaps an unnecessary one.” Filthy Rich pointed out, glaring pointedly at Octavia, whose smirk faded into a bland expression. “The point is, there are a number of Royal Agents who are not Ponies, and they are all completely loyal to the Throne and Equestria herself. Minotaurs, Diamond Dogs, Donkies, even a few Orcs and Sea Ponies, all are part of our order. This … won’t be an issue for you, will it, Princess Twilight?”

“W-what? No, no of course not, I’m just a little … lost at this point. So much is going on, there’s so many things I’m trying to wrap my head around, I’m probably going to make a fool of myself and say something silly.” The purple Alicorn shrugged, giving Rich an apologetic look as she diddled her fore-hooves against each other nervously.

“Excellent. You have no idea how many times other Squad-Leaders have tried to swap posts with me. Looking after a national hero is a huge honor, after all, and if you did have issues with non-Pony Royal Agents, I’d imagine quite a few teams would be out of the running … and be crushed besides.”

“Speaking of ‘crushed’, maybe we should talk about …” Luna began, before a loud banging began on the library door.

“Manure. Agents, up the stairs and prepare for escape-plan alpha-nine. Princess Twilight, I’ll stay down here to identify if this is the other Agents, if you don’t object?” Filthy Rich muttered, the other Agents saluting smartly and rushing to the stairs leading to the upper stories of the library, leaving Filthy Rich, Twilight, Luna, the remaining Element Bearers and a very startled-looking Trixie in the library’s public area.

“I don’t think my objection would mean a damn thing, the way everything has gone over the past few days.” Twilight replied tartly, getting up and trotting to the door as her horn flickered, massaging her face into a reasonable approximation of a friendly smile before she put a hoof on the door-knob to open it. “Hello! I’m sorry, but due to unforeseeable … issues, the Golden Oaks Library is closed for today!”

“Awwww, but I was told a library was the best place to find issues!”

“…That is the lamest pun I’ve ever heard you make, boss, and that’s saying something.”

Cracking the door open a smidge, Twilight peered out, catching sight of a golden wing … and blue fabric with a distinctive pale-yellow lightning bolt. The sight shocked her so much that when the door was yanked away from her hoof, Twilight was unable to muster the wits to use her magic to grab it back as two Pegasi grinned at her like sharks smelling blood in the water.

“Princess, Ma’am, Spitfire and Soaring, reporting for duty!” Spitfire snapped a crisp salute off, still grinning like a maniac, while Soarin simply rolled his eyes and gave a more casual wave with a forehoof. “And I see the home-team has made themselves at home!”

“Dear sweet Faaaaaaust. Alright, team, back to your seats, it's just the johnny-come-latelies from Canterlot.” Filthy Rich groaned, placing a hoof to his face and sagging against the back of the couch as the rest of the Royal Agents came down the stairs, their faces splitting into broad grins to match those of Soarin and Spitfire. “Well, don’t stand there all day, you two. Shut that door before the white-noise generators burn out from all the additional space they’ll be trying to blanket, and introduce yourselves properly.”

“Still trying to protect Equestria from behind a till, eh Filthy?” Spitfire said, eyeballing the seated Stallion with a smug expression on her face.

“Still don’t understand the concept of subtlety, eh Spits?” Filthy Rich shot back, although the corners of his mouth had quirked up into the same wan smile as before.

“Still can’t fight to save your life, hey Richie?”

“Still won’t accept not every problem can be solved by smothering it in machismo, hey Splatfire?”

“Still can’t … Ooop, the Princesses are staring at us.”

“Yes, the Princesses are staring at you, wondering why on Equis you’re bickering like a married couple.” Luna grated out, her eyes narrowing to slits as she apparently tried to bore holes into the Wonderbolt and the Shop-Owner with just her willpower alone. “From what my sister says, I had expected the Royal Agents to be more … professional.”

“Spitfire is a Royal Agent … Soarin is a Royal Agent … Derpy is a Royal Agent … Bulk Biceps is a Royal Agent…” Rainbow Dash was whispering to herself, holding her broken, sling-supported limb to her chest and rocking back and forth on her cushion with a thousand-yard stare, and the rest of the Ponies in the room, barring the two Princesses and the Royal Agents, weren’t doing too much better, although the Royal Agents at least had the decency to look embarrassed as they took their seats again.

“Errr …” Soarin offered, roughly shoving his fellow Wonderbolt into the Library and then kicking the door shut behind them. “Don’t mind Spitfire and Rich, they’re old sparring partners from the Order's planning meetings. They belong to different … philosophies within the Order, I guess would be the best way to describe it. Spitfire’s side of things thinks the Royal Agents should be more proactive and reclaim some of our old legal powers, while Rich’s side thinks we shouldn’t reach for more power than what we’ve got.”

“And every time the two sides get together, they do … that.” Vinyl finished, waving to the Stallion, who gave her a jaunty wave back as his eyes scanned the room.

Twilight noted as she seated herself next to Luna again that when Soarin’s eyes passed over Applejack’s face, the Stallion paused for several seconds, mouth opening slightly, before moving on to the rest of the Ponies in the room.

And what the hay was that about? Twilight thought to herself, hoping that any further shenanigans would kindly reschedule to tomorrow, when she wasn’t running off coffee, adrenaline and sheer bloody spite for her sleeping patterns.

“Oh that’s just grand then. My sister has sent two Ponies from opposing factions within the Royal Agent to work together. Stupendous, even.”

“Errr, the situation is not quite that bad, your Majesty. While the pro-reform and anti-reform groups might bicker, we’re all loyal to Equestria and the Crowns. It’s more like … it’s more like a sibling rivalry than active political bickering.” Filthy Rich explained, scratching at the back of his head with a neatly manicured hoof as Spitfire nodded enthusiastically. “Some of us believe we shouldn’t have more power to avoid potential issues with rogue agents in the future and to keep in-line with our Royal Charter, while others believe the changing political structures of the nations outside of Equestria demands that we overhaul the organisation to compensate. It’s mostly an academic debate since the only ones who could order those changes made are yourself and Princess Celestia, as the Princesses who signed our original Charter.”

“Be that as it may, why would my sister send two of her Wonderbolts, if stealth and subterfuge are so important to mister Rich’s team? Half of Equestria will turn up for autographs if the famous Captain and Co-Captain of the world-renown Wonderbolts appear in town.” The Lunar Princess sighed and rubbed at her temples with both forehooves as the two Wonderbolts joined the group of limping and frazzled Ponies on the couches. “Between Twilight and myself, there’s enough bait here to keep the paparazzi in town for weeks. Adding two celebrities to the mix feels like we are dodging fireballs while standing on a field soaked in naphtha.”

“Before you ask, Rainbow Dash, naphtha was a flammable substance made from peat, tar and oil the ancient Equestrians used to pour over their enemies and then set alight, and I have to add my concern to Luna's here, this seems like a bad idea. We’re already having enough troubles with the media, having both of you here is just going to draw even more attention to us.” Levitating her cup of tea up to her lips, Twilight gave an apologetic smile to the two newcomers.

“That’s the point, Princess Twilight. Soarin and I are here to distract the reporters and gossip-mongers. What’s as intriguing as two Princesses? Two of the highest-ranking Wonderbolts taking a vacation in a tiny little country town. They’ll be chasing after us for days just trying to figure out if we’ve quit the Wonderbolts, have come to town to have a fling or something even more ‘scandalous’.” Scoffing, Spitfire tossed her orange mane back from her face and gave a wicked grin to Twilight again. “Not to steal your thunder, but you’re not a super-star yet. The fact that Princess Celestia has expended so much influence and horse-power keeping what you all actually do a secret from the press probably helps as well.”

“Oh, don’t remind me.” Filthy Rich sighed and took a long slurp of his coffee. “Between them wrangling beasties back into the Everfree Forest and trotting off to who-knows-where every other week, we’d be swimming in paparazzi if the Princess hadn’t ordered all evidence of the Bearer’s actions to be considered classified.”

“And speaking of Bearers … aren’t we missing somepony?” Spitfire asked loudly, raising an eyebrow as the rest of the room groaned in dismay. “What? What did I miss?”

“That is … going to take some time to explain …” Twilight began, offering a silent prayer to Faust for the emotional stamina to get through another retelling of the morning’s debacle.