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Woodpecker

by Sir Hat

Chapters

Painkillers

I sat on the cheap wood frame bed in my cell. The smell of mildew and wood rot refused to let me rest. "Hello?" I swung my legs off the horridly undersized bed, unable to stand upright due to the small size of the room. My boots landed square in a small puddle in the center of the room, a broken grate having long ago caved in. "Someone get me the hell out of here!" I walked over to the bars and took hold. "Get me out of here you horse faced fucks!"

My body ached as I shook the janky iron bars. "I need a medic! I need a doctor you god damn monsters!" I threw my weight into the bars. "Let me out!" I leaned my shoulder against the bars, my skin burning, my bones aching, my muscles tired and burned out. "Medic! Speak French!? Medic! Toubib!" I leaned my head down. "Come on damn you!"

A pony leaned into view, sure to keep a fair bit back from the bars. "What's wrong with you?" The pink maned creature sported a thick, uneasy frown. "I don't know how to--"

"Painkillers." I grunted, shaking the bars with my hand. "Something, alcohol, I'm in pain." I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. "Something damn it!"

The mare tapped her hooves against the wall. "I can't really--"

"Get me something you horse bitch!" I hit the bars with my wrist. "I'm dying damn it!"

The mare walked up to the bars. "Will you stop it! You're lucky you're even alive after what you did!"

I took a deep breath, my ribs aching roughly. "How about--you explain--what the hell is going on--before you start yelling at me?" I groaned loudly and held my chest. "I woke up in pain, I don't know where I am, and I'm talking to a god damn horse! Now painkillers would be a great step in the right direction, you slag!"

"You're an animal." The mare turned away with a huff.

"No, you're the animal you horse bastard--thing!" I slammed the door of the cell. "God damn it...." I slumped down, letting my weight rest against the bars. "Son of a bitch." I slumped forward as the pain grew too much to stand against. It was hard to tell how much was caused by the ponies and how much was just me getting demolished back home.

I closed my eyes and tried to focus on my breathing. My ribs hurt the least, and the in and out was enough to distract from the horrid pain in my shoulders. I held my breath and enjoyed the few painless moments. "Move." A loud tapping came from over my head. "You're blocking the door."

I huffed. "I can't really move."

The creature behind me snorted. "Fine, here." A large cotton bag with a red cross on it plopped down into my lap. "We found that in your bag thing. It's medicine, right?"

I took a deep breath and opened it up. "Yep." I found an auto injector with a morphine blend and jammed it straight into my leg. I let out a sharp grunt followed by a long groan as the deep ache throughout my body was replaced by a warm numbness. "Oh thank god." I took a breath. "Three--two--one." I pulled the syringe away and held it back to whoever was standing behind me. "Careful, sharp biohazard."

The pony behind me snorted. "What am I supposed to do with it?"

I shrugged. "Probably throw it away. Dis spit-- Dips fit-- Fuck...." I grabbed my head with my free hand. "Dip...shit."

"Yeah no, I got it the first time you screwed up." I turned around the pony standing behind me was bright white with the same golden armor as before. "I just don't know how you expect me to take it from you without getting stabbed."

I shook my head. "Bite it."

"Bite me." The guard huffed and wandered off. "Worst assignments, I swear."

I groaned loudly and stood up, my meds spilling out onto the damp stone floor. "You don't even know...." I held my head, my brain thick and slow. "Where am I...?"

My vision grew blurry as I stood up, the blood rushing around my body beat back the cold and grew outright hot as it pulsed through my body. "Pink, I see pink." I stumbled against the bars. "Who?"

"I'm not pink." The mare's voice was strange, a bit husky.

I blinked hard. "I also just dosed up on some major numbing agents, so you could cut me a god damn break." I stared out at the much larger horse standing before my cell. "Whoa, full sized."

The mare nodded, her gold shod hooves clacking against the ground. "Can you be civil? Or do we have to speak like this?"

I took a deep breath. "You know, I'd at least like to know why a horse is talking to me before I agree to anything."

"Pony." The mare shook her head. "And you're in Equestria, the real question is, what are you?"

I felt my eye tighten up. "Not a horse?" I leaned my head against the bars. "Look, I need to get back to fighting, so if this dream crap could end and I could--"

The mare shook her head. "You're not dreaming. I'll ask again, what are you?"

I sighed loudly. "Human? Soldier? I don't know what you're asking me right now." I lowered my head. "Maybe I am dead.... God I hope not." I looked around my cell then back to the iridescent mare. "So where am I?"

The mare shook her head. "Equestria, Canterlot Dungeon."

I shook my head. "So, not Canada?" I slid my arms through the bars and rested against the damp iron bars. "Great, so I am dead."

"Celestia, Canterlot, Equestria, ponies? None of that rings a bell?" Her voice was soft, as if speaking to a child. "Nothing?"

I shook my head. "No, last time I checked I wasn't in some fake place." I looked around my cell. "You know, you could tell me this is hell and I'd probably believe you."

The mare shook her head. "What's hell?"

I stared at the mare. "Alright, so where am I?"

The mare rolled her eyes. "Equestria."

I shook my head. "I don't know what that is! You keep saying words like I should know what you're talking about!"

The mare shook her head again and tapped her hoof on the ground. "You assaulted several ponies, you brought a blade into a major city, and you don't even know where you are?"

I grunted softly. "Last thing I remember I got kicked down a flight of stairs, then suddenly horse people. Now I'm in prison, again." I rubbed my neck, my skin warm and thick.

The mare shook her head and huffed. "My name is Celestia, and I think you might have a problem." She bowed her head. "Because I fear you might not be able to go back from where you came."

I stared at her. "What?" I grabbed the bars. "What did you say to me?!"

Celestia's face sank into a deep scowl. "This isn't the first time an alien species has dropped through into Equestria, most time there's a medium, a mirror, a door, some sort of portal." She looked off down the hall. "We found a broken standing mirror in the basement where you appeared."

"Portal...what's a portal!?" I reached out to her. "What happened!?"

Celestia lowered her head. "I'll do what I can to keep you informed, but for now you'll just have to wait. My ponies are afraid, and it's going to take time to keep them from sending you into the ice cap." She turned towards the hall. "Welcome to Equestria...for what it's worth." Her voice was tender, like she was telling me I was going to die. The same tone any medic used int he field.

"I'm stuck here? Are you saying I'm stuck!?" I shook the bars. "Hey! Answer me! I need to go back!" I reached out after her. "Hey! You fuck, talk to me!"

Landfall

"No no no no!" I held my back against a door, a crazed raider with a knife was attempting to end me with what looked like a rusty icepick. "No!" I kept him back with my rifle, broken and turned to shrapnel. "Fuck off!"

The raider leaned into me. "Just die, just make it easy" He threw himself into a push, grazing my vest with the shank. "Come on!"

I leaned back against the door, putting all my weight behind the sock of my rifle. "Eat--shit!" I threw him back, sending him pinging off the wall across from me. He pushed off and kicked at me, his boot catching against my rifle.

I was flung back, the door missing. "Holy shit!" I felt my heart jump as I rolled backwards down a flight of stairs, the wooden shell cracking and caving as I tumbled. I felt my feet go over my head and against the wall. I pushed off, trying to get my feet under me. My mask's display turned off as I slammed against something. An electric tingle washed over me, something like an EMP sent static across my entire body.

I stopped tumbling, my body too stuffed with adrenalin to feel pain. I knew I should be, my sluggish movements and the fact that there was an impact hard enough to turn off my mask were telling enough to know I was about to be in some serious shit.

I scrambled back and pulled my mask off. The metal shell hit the ground hard, pinging off the stone floor and bouncing behind some boxes. "Jesus." I backed up until I hit a wall. "Where are you, come on!" I jumped up with my rifle in hand. "I'll bash your head in!"

"Hello?" An unfamiliar voice came from my side as the room lit up. "Who's down there!?"

I held my breath as a strange set of feet started down the stairs to my left.

That's not where those stairs were.

I turned and backed away slowly. The light turned the unseen room into a stuffed basement with boxes and crates stacked all around. I patted down my empty holster, secretly hoping my pistol would magically reappear. "Come on, I dare you to come down here--"

"Who's talking? Bell? That you?" The noise got closer, a horse with a lantern around its neck peeked down into the basment.

I felt my skin warm as the horse walked down. "Oh...thank god." I let my rifle hang against my stomach. "Hey girl-" I made my way over. The horse just stood stock still. "-little one, aren't--"

The horse let out a strange gasp and backed up against the wall. "No no no! No!" He shook his head hard. "Please don't kill me! Just get out!"

I didn't notice I was shaking until my vision rattled around. "What the fuck, what the hell!?" I raised my rifle up and held it over my head. "You back the hell up! Freak!"

The horse shook his head hard. "No no no--"

"Shut up!" I backed up, taking a quick look around the room. A busted mirror sat broken on the ground, but other than that this must have just been a devil horse. "You understand me?"

The horse nodded. "Yeah, yes, just stay calm!"

"Put the lantern on the ground and get in a corner!" I brought my rifle into position against my shoulder, they didn't need to know it didn't work. "I said put the lantern on the god damn--"

The horse let out a horrid cry and threw it off his neck. "There!"

I flexed my fingers around my rifle and pointed it away from the stairs. "Over there and count to one-hundred!"

The pony bolted away from the stairs and behind a set of boxes. "One--two--three...."

I sidestepped over to the stairs, scooping up the lantern and letting it hang against a notch in my vest. The smell of sawdust came down as I hurried up the stairs. "You move you're dead!" Another empty threat, but it seemed to hit the pony hard enough to get a whimper.

I hit the top of the stairs, the burned out house I had entered was no longer burned and wasn't covered with melting snow and slush. The cold air in the room felt like a summer day compared to the blazing icy chill I'd left just minutes ago.

My skin crawled as I slid across the wall, leaving a smudgy ash stain as I moved towards the end of the hall. "...Yeah so I didn't even get a chance to--" Another horse stopped talking as I stepped in.

I put my finger to my lips as the mare stared at me. "Keep quiet." I was obviously seeing thing, but it couldn't hurt to tell my hallucinations to shut up.

The pony just sat there shell shocked, mouth agape, another pony sharing the same look as I maneuvered my way to the door. "Head trauma...must be." I pushed the door open with my foot and kept my gun trained on the horses. "Makes sense, unless I'm de--deaahhh." I went dumb as the overcast sky over St. John's turned into a slightly cloudy winter morning, complete with castle hanging overhead.

My body started shaking hard enough to make my rifle rattle. "What the fuck!?" I looked around, horses were slowly gathering up around me, keeping about two meters back. My body was shaking so violently everything on me rattled or jingled.

I felt something press against my back. "Hey...you alright little guy--"

I swung my entire body around, leading with the back of my hand. I caused a satisfying crack as my arm swung right into the jaw of one of the horse people. "Back off!" I hopped back, my arm throbbing from the sudden beat down.

The crowd let out a collective scream and started bolting away like a star burst. The pony I'd struck was out like a light, laying flat with his eyes open and mouth running some unheard call for help. The screaming overshadowed it all, shrill and piercing. I needed to move, I had one wall to my side and that wasn't going to cut it if I was going to get swarmed.

I stepped over the groggy horse and took off down the smooth stone walkway. The roads were cobblestone, the paths were some kind of stone or concrete, the buildings were tall and ornate, and that castle that loomed overhead was harrowing. I needed to get safe, I needed to find out where I was and what happened.

"Hey stop!" A sharp angry voice growled from above. A grey bird was hovering over me, slowly turning into a horse as my eyes adjusted. "Stay where you are!"

"Holy shit they can fly!" My voice was wrought with fear, more of a squeal than a shout. "Piss off!"

"Hold it!" Another horse in gold blocked off one side of the street, then another my escape, and another until I was surrounded completely and utterly.

I held my rifle low as they slowly tightened up around me. "You wanna go!? I've got nowhere to run!"

A brave one charged at me dead on. I swung my rifle at him, catching him in the side of the head and knocking his helmet off. "Vicious animal!" Some pony screamed, another rush landing against my side and leaving me stumbling.

I pushed back, trying to dig my heels in. "Try me! I'm not afraid to die!" I shoved back, catching another flying horse to the back, the collective weight of my gear and the ponies slowly tipped me over until I was left splayed out on the ground. "Get off me you freaks!" I swung my elbow back, nailing one of the guards over the head. "Off me!"

"Knock him out!"

"Spanner, do it!"

I looked up, a gold armored one with a grey coat was slowly lowering his head to me. "Don't you touch me! Animals! All of you--"

My brain shut down, my world went dark. I felt so tired, nothing was going to keep me awake. I was done.

Fear

I sat in my cell, flipping through a picture book they'd given me. "Yeah...real nice." I tossed the book to the floor of my cell and rubbed my face. "Get me out of here!" I lifted my head and screamed at the ceiling. "Get me out! I need to go home! Let me the fuck out!" I stood up and turned to the cell door. "Get me the fuck out of here!" I bolted over and slammed against the bars. "I know you can fucking hear me, now let me out!"

A loud tapping came down the hall. "Excuse me, can you shut up!" The mare with the strange mane walked back in. She shook her head and looked into my cell. "What's wrong?"

I looked back at my cell. "I'm in a dungeon. Not even a POW camp, a straight up dungeon." I pushed my arms through the grated door. "Shit sucks horse. Shit sucks."

The mare closed her eyes and shook her head again. "Must you--"

"Stop shaking your head at me, Captain Park." I leaned my forehead against the bars. "Christ. Can I get out of here and go home yet? I have things to do!"

The mare's disdainful frown melted into something softer. She looked down the hall. "It's looking doubtful that I will be able to return you."

I felt something shift in my stomach. "I don't care. If this isn't a dream, I got here somehow, you just have to find me a god damn way back!" I pressed my face between the bars. "I was in a war god damn it! They fucking need me!"

Celestia turned back to face me. "I'm sorry to hear that." She turned to the hall and started walking away. "I hope your friends will be alright without you."

I felt my body tremble. "Hey! Are you kidding me!? Talk to me damn it!" I reached out after her. "Please!"

The mare turned to me, her head barely visible from the curve in the hallway. "What?"

I took a deep breath. "My mask, my vest, my coat? Can I get any of it back?"

Celestia frowned and walked back over. "Why do you need it?"

I let out a short sigh. "Maintenance. If I'm not going to be fighting for a while then I can do some maintenance and try to get ready to go back." I hung limply against the door. "I'd really fuc-- I'd really appreciate it."

Celestia hung in my view for a while. She wore a strange expression, one I'd seen far too many times. "You--" She took a deep breath and nodded. "Yes, alright. Your coat."

I sighed heavily. "I just need to do something, I can't be locked in here with nothing!"

Celestia huffed. "You know, I don't normally meet the prisoners directly. And considering you almost killed--"

"I wasn't going to kill anyone!" I stepped back and held my arms up. "I told you what happened! Twice! I wasn't the one with the knife, and how did you expect me to act!? Oh hi! Let me just shake your hand, it worked out so well last time I tried that with someone!"

Celestia's ears fell flat. "You have to understand, you didn't exactly handle it in the most calm of--"

"I wasn't calm! I had just gotten kicked down a flight of stairs!" I walked up to the bars and hung my hands towards her. "Let me see how calm you are after I push you down a flight!"

Celestia sighed and turned away. "I understand, but that doesn't excuse you beating my ponies." She walked out, but before she left me to sit in my cell again, she said one thing. "I'll see if I can get you put under house arrest."

I scratched my head. "What? The hell is house arrest?" I looked back at my bed. "You can't arrest a building, dipshit!" I realized I'd just yelled that at my bed and took a step back from the bars. "Ugh. I wish it didn't smell like shit in here." I rubbed my face and walked over to the cell bed. "Can't sleep, can't live like this."

I laid down on the metal cot and took a deep breath. I reached up and under the rags they'd given me to wear. The welts and bruises from my fighting had started to die down and heal. I took a deep breath and brought my knees up into the air. "One." I crossed my arms over my chest and curled upward. "Two." I had to stay fit. "Three." I had fighting to do. "Seven." I had a family back home. "Fifteen." I was going to go home. "Thirty." These ponies wouldn't stop me. "Thirty-eight." I had to get home. "Forty-three."

"I-- What are you doing?" Celestia's head popped back into view.

My stomach ached like hell as I laid down across the horrid metal floor. "Huh?" I put a hand against my stomach. "What?"

Celestia cocked her head. "Exercise?"

I slid off the cheap metal bed and onto my feet. "Do you really not believe me? About what I said I am, about what I told you?" I lifted my shirt to show her the scars and bruises that weren't fully healed. "Forty-five." I pointed to the biggest scar I had. A large bullet wound across my stomach. "Went right through too." I turned around and pointed to the exit wound, sitting next to my spine. "Close son of a bitch too."

Celestia shook her head again. "Brutality doesn't have to beget brutality. You could have stayed--"

I turned to her and jammed my hand out of my cell, my middle finger extended high. "See this!? Seriously, I wasn't exactly calm or thinking clearly! Even now, I'm not entirely unconvinced I'm not dead!" I shook my head and pulled my hand back. "I've seen some crazy shit, but talking horses and cities made of marble, that's a little far out there."

Celestia cocked her head. "Do you not think you're strange? But we treated you with kind--"

I shook my head hard. "No! Don't even try that shit with me! Your little friends surrounded me, and one poked me from behind! Don't act like I wasn't justified!"

Celestia leaned her head back. "A poke doesn't quite give you license to bash one of my subjects--"

"Princess--"

Celestia's wing shot out and slapped a guard's helmet off. "Ah-- Um." She turned to face her guard. "Apologies, I'm really not used to--"

I leaned against the bars and stared at her. I kept my expression flat as could be. "So you gonna unlock the fucking doors now?"

The guard turned to me. "You know, I'd really appreciate it if you showed some respect! A new creature like you, and not only are you not being thrown on a dissection table, you're being spoken to by the princess herself! Animal!"

I flipped the guard off and kept my mouth shut.

Celestia folded her wings away. "It's fine!" She flapped her wings once, touching either wall of the hallway. "And it has been far too long since I met a new race in person." She looked to the hall, then down to her guard. "What did you need?"

The guard glared at my finger. "The nobles you assembled are ready to hold court. They wait for your decision."

Celestia nodded to her guard. "Good, tell them I'll be there momentarily." She turned to me and levitated something long and white from her side. "And this-" she hung my coat on the bars. "-is going to have to hold you over for a bit."

I plucked my coat from the bars. "Sure." I put it on and pulled my hood up. "Better than this stuff you gave me." I turned to my bed. "You know I--" By the time I turned back to the bars I was alone again. "I uh...fine." I leaned against the wall. I let out a long breath. "Hurry up...please, I just need to get back to fighting." I hung my finger against a hole in my coat. "Please."

Home

I stood off with Celestia, the bars still sitting between us. "Twenty-eighty-four." I sighed heavily. "Based off god or something." I flicked my hand upward. "Not really into that shit myself, but it works for some of the men I work with." I hung my arms out of the cell, my white coat torn and tattered around the ends. "Able, Woodpecker, Sam. I prefer Able."

Celestia nodded a few times. "Medical problems?" A pony to her side was taking down notes like mad.

I licked my lips. "Minor case of trench foot, I was on antibiotics when I dropped in." I rubbed my eyebrows. "We done here--"

"Age?"

I leaned my head against the bars. "Twenty something? Late twenties? I stopped keeping track a long time ago." I looked at the pony taking notes. "Twenty eight? It's six to eight, one of those."

Celestia shook her head. "Languages spoken?"

I sighed again. "I speak some Quebecois, English primary. I know like three words in Bambara." I rubbed my arms under my coat. "Look, just ask it all at once."

Celestia turned to the mare taking notes. The mare looked up, flitting her eyes from me to Celestia. "Ah okay. Age, check. Diet?"

"Meat, beans, just read the ingredients on the stuff in my bag." I scratched my shoulder. "Hurry, I'm getting real sick of this place."

"Check. Basic information checks out. Occupation? Location? Climate? Familiarity of equine species?" The mare tapped her clipboard with her quill.

"Uh, marksman. Canada. Cold. Ugh, odd question.... High." I rubbed my forehead. "Used to ride horses a lot before I joined the corp."

The mare kept scribbling. "And you're claiming self defense--"

"Shut up." I stepped back and stretched my arms. "I really can't be any clearer about what happened."

The mare bit her tongue. "I just need something for the books." She bit the tip of her quill and kept writing. "And Celestia will be taking custody--"

"It's called surveillance by the way." I rapped my fingers against the bars. "House arrest. It's code for surveillance! Don't bullshit me!"

Celestia shook her head. "They're a bit different. I simply think that--"

"I don't care what you think." I flicked my hand towards her. "I care about going the fuck home, and getting back to my god damn wife!" I hit the bars. "I have a life god damn it! It's not easy, but I paid for it in blood, god damn it!"

"Wife?"

"Wife?" The mares both perked up in unison. The mare with the clipboard looked towards Celestia. "Princess...?"

Celestia's face twisted up harshly. "I-- I don't--" A key levitated out from her side. "I'm sorry." She jammed it into the door to my cell.

I started shaking my head and backed up. "What the fuck are you doing?" I pointed at her. "Don't you pull this shit!" I leaned forward with my arm outstretched, finger pointing dead at her. "Don't you pull this shit! I've got people to save!"

Celestia slowly nudged the door open. "I'm sorry." She squeezed her way into my tiny cell. "I really am."

I took a deep breath. "No, no you don't be fucking sorry! You get me home god damn it!"

Celestia lowered her head down to meet me face to face. "I'm sorry."

"No! Don't fucking pull this!" I walked up to her and shoved her, unable to move the large mare. "Don't! I'm going home god damn it!"

Celestia lowered her head and tried to get a hoof behind me. "I'm sor--"

I pushed her hoof away and stood tall before her. "I don't need your fucking pity!" I leaned nose to nose with her. "I need to go home. Now make it fucking happen." My voice was low, twisted up with hateful spiteful words. The modern man's poetry.

I pushed out past Celestia and before the mare with the clipboard. She shrunk down before me and held her clipboard up. "Oh dear--"

I yanked the clipboard from her magical grip and threw it to the ground. "Woodpecker: Able. I'll take care of myself." I turned to Celestia as she dipped out of the cell. "You tell me when you've got me a way home."

Celestia's voice echoed down as I moved away from them. "Wait--"

"I'll be in the snow." I pulled my hood up and marched quickly down the hall I'd seen her use so many times before. "Find me when you've got this shit figure out." I didn't much care to speak to them, I wouldn't be here long enough to care or figure things out. I just had to wait a day or two and then I could go home again.

Celetia's hooves clopped along beside me. "You know they'll try to contain you on sight."

"Then you'd better tell them to stay away from me." I stopped and turned to her. I took a deep breath and faced off with the mare. "I don't care what did this, I just want it fixed." I stared up at the dour mare. "Fix this and you'll never have to worry about who I am, or where I'm going."

Celestia shook her head. "You don't understand. Pinpointing one portal is like picking out a specific grain of sand from a--"

"Not my problem." I turned away from her. "I have my war, you have yours. Figure it out." I stopped and rested against the horridly uneven cobblestone wall. "I don't want to be here. Wherever here is, it's not for me." I turned to her. "Don't let me be stuck here." I shook my head gently. "I can't be stuck here. People need me god damn it."

Celestia's mouth hung open in the softest expression of sympathy I'd seen my mother pass. "Able, we can't."

I felt my skin crawl. "Then find me when you can."

Hands

"Give me your hand!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, reaching out after Ben. "Ben! Give me your god damn hand!" I laid flat against the edge of the oil rig. "Ben, mother fucker come on!"

Ben looked up at me, his right arm caught up in some cable. His eyes said it all.

"Ben don't!" He reached over to his elbow. His mangled prosthetic jangling loudly as he undid the clamps on his joint. "Ben! Look at me man!"

Ben shook his head. "It doesn't hurt." His arm was torn apart, metal and flesh detatching as he flailed his way down through the metal skeleton below.

I felt my stomach drop as he pinged from beam to beam, finally ending in a heavy splash. "Fucking Jesus! No! No you fuck!" I reached out after him. "Ben! Ben answer me! Ben!?"

I slammed back into reality with a heavy shake. "Fuck--fuck!" I rolled onto my stomach and jumped upright, tearing snow up as I stood. "No!" I reached for my belt, finding only a soft cotton wrap around my waist. I backed up, drudging up snow as I backed away from a statue. "Fuck you no!" I shot a hand to my heart, the beat wild and uncontrolled. I looked around, finding a few pony guards standing around me, wings flared, batons hanging in the air around the unicorns.

"Able?" A tender voice shot out over the rustling. Celestia stood before me, slowly encroaching upon my space. "Were you out here the whole time?" She looked around the snowy garden, statues and bare trees dotting the paths carved into the thick snow. She turned to the guards and nodded. "It's fine."

I rubbed my throat and adjusted my posture. "What the hell?" I looked at the guards as they left, some watching me and glaring along the way. "What happened?" I rubbed my head. "What's wrong?"

Celestia looked me up and down. "Is this where you went after you left the cell?"

I caught my breath and turned to look at a statue of a pony. "What? Yeah, where else was I gonna go?"

Celestia cleared her throat. "Inside."

I turned to face her. "You have a way to get me home yet?"

Celestia's frown returned. "It's been a few hours at most--"

"And?" I straightened my coat out. "Do you have it or not?!"

Celestia shook her head and looked to the place I had laid down at. "Able, you were shaking--"

"If you don't have it, we have nothing to say to eachother." I turned to the spot I'd carved out in the snow. "I don't--"

Celestia stamped over and swung her wing around me. She forced me to turn around, keeping her wing at my back to guide me along. "You know, killing yourself with the cold is about as horrid as it sounds." She patted me on the back to keep me walking through the snowy lot. "Maybe you don't value your life, but apparently you have people who do. So, stay alive."

I spun around, ducking out from in front of her wing. "You're not even trying, are you?" I stepped away and into the base of a statue. "You're not even trying to send me back."

Celestia turned to me with a frown. "There are slightly more pressing matters. Health for one, and like it or not you're under my wing until further notice."

I felt a deep pang skewer me from my ear to the deep meat of my back. The phrase she'd just mumbled rattled around my gut like mad. "Don't say that." I rubbed my shoulder and covered my ear.

Celestia cocked her head. "What's wrong?"

I shook my head and pushed off the statue. "Nothing." I shook my arm out to try and get rid of the feeling in my shoulder.

Celestia followed me as I walked through the salted path that ran through the garden. "Where exactly are you going?"

I shook my head. "I don't know. It's not like you're going to have trouble finding me." I looked around the gardens. A large wall running all around the immediate area kept me pinned. "I don't plan to leave either. I'd just rather be alone." I rubbed my mouth. "I doubt we have a single thing to talk about beside you trying to find me a way back."

Celestia shook her head. "Maybe, but I will keep you alive. First of your kind and you die under my watch, that wouldn't bode well for me." She walked ahead of me and cut me off. "Besides, are you not cold?" She tapped her hooves before my unshod feet.

I shook my head. "I'm fine."

Celestia followed me as I started off again. "Are you? You don't--"

"What do you expect from me?! What do you want from me?!" I held my arms out. "Look at me! Look at what I was carrying!" I shook my head. "I'm not a diplomat. I'm not a good person. I fight, I kill, it's all I know!" I pointed back to the spot I had plopped down in. "What do you think I see when I close my eyes? What do you think I'm going to say to you? What do you want me to do?"

Celestia's face ran through a gambit of emotions withing a mere moment. "I want you to follow me, bathe, then perhaps you can actually rest." She stamped her hoof. "Because right now you're behaving like a petulant child and--"

I snapped around to face her and walked straight up to meet her face to face. "And you're acting like I'm helpless." I leaned in close, causing her to take a step back. We stood off for a bit before I closed my eyes and took a step back. "What exactly do you expect to happen? If I followed you, if we did everything you want, what exactly do you expect to happen?"

Celestia stared at me, eyes wandering up and down my body. "I don't know. But I know that you standing out here on your own and staying silent won't accomplish anything."

I took a deep breath. "If I go with you, I need you to answer me something." I rubbed my face. Celestia's face was curled up, like whatever answer she was going to give would be painful. "You know what I'm going to ask."

Celestia nodded. "There's a chance. But it's a sliver of hope. One in millions." She turned to the giant castle sitting buried in mountain backdrop. "I don't know how long it would take, and even if we get close, any subtle difference could change everything."

I stared at her. I took a deep breath and walked the way she had been guiding me, towards the castle. "I really don't know what you expect. I'm not a good person, I don't make good conversation."

Celestia walked around beside me and cupped me in her wing. "Hmm, I'm sure we could find something to agree on."

I took a deep breath and shifted under her touch. "Ever committed a genocide? No? I didn't--"

Celestia closed her wing on me. "Again, I'm sure we'll find something." She smiled back at me. "And I'm sure you'll be much...happier, not freezing out in the snow. And I'm sure you could talk normally, I suspect you haven't had to, but I can teach you--"

I pushed off her and stepped into the snow. "I'm not something you need to fix or change." I kept my tone very calm, very even. "Don't treat me like a child, and I won't treat you like a horse."

Celestia's eyes popped open. She looked towards the castle for a few moments before wandering off. Her tail swished softly left and right as she walked. "I always assumed a kind hoof would be met more kindly--"

"Hand. Kind hand." I corrected, starting off after her. "And being nice is fine, but don't belittle me."

Celestia shook her head. "Well, it wasn't my intention."

I huffed and hurried ahead of her. "Something about hell and good intentions...some bullshit like that, right?" I rubbed my brow with my fingertips. "I don't eat horse food."

Celestia walked up beside me. "I'm sure we can find you something. And maybe after you've settle and--"

"Shut up. Stop, just fucking stop trying to be nice to me." I turned to face her and kept walking. "I don't appreciate you babying me. I've killed far too many for you to treat me like this."

Celestia's smile wavered for a bit. "And I've killed too many to not try and spread kindness."

I stopped dead, letting her walk quickly past. "What? What the hell did you just say!?" I ran up to her. "Did you seriously--"

Celestia turned to me with a frown. "Like I said, I'm sure we'll have some common ground."

Water

"It was interesting." I let the hot water drip over my scarred skin. "I mean, just the way you had to operate it." I took a deep breath, steam and hot air rushing towards me as I drew in. Celestia sat across from me, joining me in the massive tub that spanned half the room. "I remember being jammed up in a tree with my legs scrunched up, and they told me to peg a target half a mile out in a snowstorm." I refilled my bucket with the warm water. "And I mean, I did it." I poured more water over my head and down across my shoulders. "What else was I going to do?"

Celestia nodded slowly. "Is that what you were carrying?"

I rubbed my arm, a deep gash only recently healed was still tender and pained. "My rifle? The soviet? No, no. Hell, that wasn't even my standard rifle." I rubbed the back of my neck. "That was what I had when I started. Back when I lived in Ontario." I shook my head. "Do you even know what it is? Do you know what it does?"

Celestia shook her head gently, mane weight down with water. "I can't say that I do."

I huffed softly and rubbed my face. "Why exactly did you--"

"To keep you company, to help you feel at ease. I did the same for my other pupils." She smiled at me. "And because why not? You seemed fine shedding clothes around me."

I pointed my hand out towards her. "You're a horse. Why would it be weird?" I slapped myself across the forehead. "I mean, it can't get weirder. And there's nothing there that I haven't seen on you, and again, you're a horse."

Celestia stared at me. "I'm still a pony. A-- sorry, provincial terminology. I'm still a person, no?"

I rubbed my eyes. "No-- I-- Look, don't make this weird."

Celestia shook her head. "I'm not. But I've met other species who wear clothes, and they seem to value modesty quite a bit."

I leaned against the wall of the tub, my ass starting to hurt from the hard stone seat underwater. "It's more about not freezing to death. But if you were a real lady, I probably--"

Celestia tapped her hoof on the stone side of the tub. "Not a lady? What exactly makes me not a lady?"

I put my hands up. "Being a horse."

Celestia cocked an eyebrow. "That simple?"

"Yeah." I stood up and floated the bucket across the tub. "Again, I'm a soldier. Terms will be quick, simple, and vulgar." I stretched my neck until it cracked. "Like that fucking thing." I pointed to the bucket. "Or that fucking thing." I pointed to the water spout. "They're all fucking things."

Celestia's lip quivered. "Hmm. Maybe a bit more description would help."

"Missing the fucking point." I scratched my head. "Now I can hear it every time I say it." I let out a tired groan and stood up, standing before Celestia who remained resting in the tub. The air was warm, but the deep chill the difference in temperature caused was rather uncomfortable. "Anyways, the rifle. You know what it is?"

Celestia stood up and forced water out of her mane with her magic. The loud trickle shook my bones and sent a tingle into the muscles in my back. "It's a weapon I take it?"

"The great equalizer." I let out a tired huff and flopped my arms against my sides. "Turning poor kids from the ice into husks fighting for days at a time." I rubbed my eyes. "God I'm so tired." I laughed jankily. "I can't remember the last time I slept."

Celestia stepped out of the tub, shaking off her fetlocks before walking over to me. "Battles?"

I shook my head. "The sieges were worse."

Celestia nodded and walked past me. "They always are. So much more smoke and fire."

I licked my lips. "No--no no the noise is the worst." I followed her as she walked towards a small cabinet. "The noise is always the worst."

Celestia sighed loudly. "Hmm, differences in opinions." She opened the cabinet and levitated out a pair of towels, sending one to me. "So, single kills? You were an assassin?"

I frowned hard and slung the towel over my shoulder. "Marksman. It's a bit different." I rubbed my eyes. "I only ever assassinated one person, and even then it was through a tank." I rubbed my cheek, my beard extremely rough. "Never even saw him directly."

Celestia put her towel over her back like a saddle blanket. "I understand." She nodded a few times, bouncing her head like a horse. She laughed gently. "You know, not many of my subjects even know I've killed."

I turned to her with a quick swivel of my right foot. "Then why tell me?"

Celestia smiled at me. "Because not many would understand what I've done, or the reasons. It's been a century since we had a major war, and even longer since we had something on the scale that you're projecting." She smiled and turned to the door. "And who would believe you speaking out against me? Calling me a murderer. Nopony would believe you."

I rubbed my chest. "Murder? It's not really murder if it's--"

"Simply using an example." She frowned hard and hung her head low. "But you're right. There's something different in war, lives feel lighter." She shook her head. "Numbers. Ponies reduced to numbers. I think that is the point where I was the most violent."

I shook my head ever so gently. "Because they're not people, they're numbers. They're--"

Celestia tapped her hoof against the ground. "No.... For me, thinking like that felt horrid. And at that point I just wanted it to be over. She shook her head hard. "The sooner it was over, the sooner I could think of them like I did once before."

I flinched away and took the towel off my shoulder. "You were command, weren't you?"

Celestia nodded and walked up to me. "I was. I was recently appointed princess, and young enough to take up the offer to lead."

I rubbed my mouth. "I was rank and file. Then I was just let loose. They gave me jobs they wanted done, some times I had a team, some times it was just me." I scratched my head. "They never really deserve it."

Celestia took my towel from me and started to dry off my hair. "It's a terrible thing. A truly terrible thing." Her voice peeked towards the tail end of her words.

I had completely expected her to continue talking. "Did I hit a nerve." I yanked the towel away from her.

Celestia frowned softly and turned away from me. "To some extent." She pulled in a long breath. "How many have you killed?"

I shook my head. "They didn't tell me how big the city was." I started to dry off with the soft towel. "Hundred thousand?"

Celestia's face twitched. "That many?"

"Bomb." I rubbed my arm, the creeping pain starting at my fingertips had started to crawl up my arm again. "Why? That a high number?"

Celestia lowered her head. "Personally my numbers are rather low. As a head of state-- I'd rather not think about it." She jammed her eyes shut and turned away. "Generally speaking I like to think it was for the greater good."

"That's a dangerous game." I finished drying off and turned to face her. "How many have to die before it starts to overshadow the message?"

Celestia turned to me with an absolutely muted expression. "How big is the message? How many lives depend on it?"

I bit my lip. "Best answer you could have given me." I rubbed my right hand, the middle finger missing. "Fight for the people you care about, not against anyone."

Celestia turned her head softly. She smiled kindly and nodded. "Indeed."

I took a deep breath and turned to the door. "I'm stuck here, aren't I?" I turned back to Celestia. "We're not in public, don't lie to me."

Celestia's eyes jammed shut. She stayed dipped down for a few moments before coming back up. "My guards found a book in your pack." Celestia smiled at me. "She's beautiful."

I nodded my chin briskly. "She's gone now, isn't she?" I felt my skin crawl. "...I need to get some god damn sleep."

Celestia slowly walked up to my side. "I'll show you to a room. We can talk more tomorrow." Celestia cupped me in her wing again and walked me out into the hall. "Is she safe? Will she be okay without you?"

I felt my heart jump. "Yeah-- Yeah she'll be fine." I tugged my mouth. "I didn't expect to come back from the fighting anyways." I ran my fingers through my hair. "She's safe. Maybe not gonna be too happy with me, but she'll...." I felt a smile come over my face. "She'll be okay." I rubbed my chest. "I think.... I think the people I fought for are gonna be okay." I forced myself to stop smiling as soon as I realized I had. "God I hope they're okay."

Night

I sat on the edge of a bed, staring. I'd slept, I was well rested and cleaned. I could only wait for the next call, the next time I had to fight. I would have to wait for the heavy ripple of Jamie's music, the screams of Zeus, something to send me off and into war. I didn't know what to do with myself. I was happy to know I wasn't exactly alone in the world, but the violence inflicted by me compared to the little princess couldn't stack up.

And now here I was, locked away from the violence my muscles craved. Here I was under lock and key by magic horse people. Here I was naked and alone in a lavish room. I needed mud, I needed to lay down in a hole and fear for my life, I needed the noise. Without it, everything felt too quiet. My muscles burned, my skin itched, I needed to move.

I stood up and shook my arms out. I had already calmed down enough for the day. It was night, time to kill. I paced around the large white room with my head in my hands. Nothing smelled, nothing changed, no color or flash. My leg started to twitch, beating my foot against the floor like crazy. "Come on, it's time." I hopped in place. "Come on!"

A spotted something grey poke into the room. A flash of silver joined in as the door swung open. "What's wrong?" A strange guard in purple walked in, using a spear like a walking stick.

I turned to him in a flash. "You, give me that." I extended my hand towards the spear. "Hand it over."

The guard took a step back. "Um, no--"

I stormed up to him. "You're either gonna stab me or I'm gonna take that from you."

The pony backed against the door and reared up onto two legs, the spear pointed towards my shoulder. "Back up!"

I shook my head and walked past the spear, letting it rest between my arm and my ribs. "You didn't stab me." I wrapped my arm around the spear and yanked it out of his hooves. "You just got disarmed." I stepped back and turned the spear around, pointing the tip at the pony's belly. "And your aim is off."

The pony slammed his back against the now closed door. "Hey, hey! Hel--"

I pressed the spear against the underside of his chin. "Don't scream." I tapped the underside of his chin with the flat end of the spear. "Should stab the stomach, under the ribs." I took a step back and pointed the spear up. "They don't train you very well, do they?"

The pony slowly dropped down to four legs. "I need that--"

"Answer the question." I swallowed hard. My resting hours were done, spent chatting and sleeping. "You don't even know how to use this thing." I looked the spear over. "It's a fucking sharp stick with a pointy bit on the end. It's not even a good one." I looked over to the solid bed. "Spears, pointless thing. Should be using a short pike or a bill." I jammed the end of the spear between the bedpost and the footboard. "Picked up a few books from some museum we raided, learned a lot." I pulled until a loud crack rang out. The spear lost about a foot in length and felt a bit more top heavy.

I looked back to the guard pony, his helmet since removed. His ears were odd, fuzzier. "I don't think they're going to be happy you snapped that."

"Bite me." I took the now short spear and held it like a rifle. I swung the back end downward, using it like a bayonet. "I don't even know how they expect you to use a spear, hooves and all." I stabbed the air with the spear. "They don't even teach this anymore. They really should."

The pony walked away from where I was practicing. "What exactly are you doing?"

I looked to the guard as he picked up the splintered back end of the spear. "Inferior equipment, inferior training. You're a shame, you know that?" I tossed the spear down and walked to the door, the pony's helmet sitting right outside. I grabbed it and looked it over. "Thin, what exactly is this supposed to stop?" I shook it, a loud rattle dug into my skin. "It rattles. It's gaudy." I walked over to him and forced it onto his head. "There's nothing to keep it on your head and-" I yanked it off by the metal spine that ran along the top. "This is going to get you killed."

I turned to the door. "I need tools."

The pony shook his head and picked up his shattered equipment. "Shouldn't you be asleep?"

"Shouldn't you be an actual soldier?" I turned to him. "Shouldn't you be someone capable of stopping me from leaving? Because right now there's nothing stopping me from killing you and walking out of here, besides my unfathomable kindness." I tossed the spear at him, making sure to keep the point away from his face. The handle bounced off his chest and onto the floor. "You were supposed to catch it."

The guard backed up and shook his head. "How?"

I shrugged. "Teeth?" I rubbed my shoulder. "Do you even know how to properly hold that thing?"

The guard shrugged. "I haven't really had to use it."

I tapped my foot on the floor. "I'm gonna hammer you into a fucking solider, you fucking slug." I walked up to him and slapped him until he faced the door. "I need a track, something to run on."

"I don't--"

"Is there one on the castle grounds?"

The pony tried to turn to face me, receiving a quick slap to keep him on track. "Yes but--"

"Then take me to it. If you're going to pretend to guard me, you're going to work for your pay!" I took a deep breath. "My name is Able, and you can call me Woodpecker." I walked him out into the hall and turned him towards the way down stairs. "Get me to your field! Now!"

Run

I found my clothes locked up in an evidence chest in the guard hall. The long rectangle room had a small office with what was now a busted lock, keeping a few bits of equipment and files somewhat safe. "Ridiculous." I pulled my boots on and stomped my foot. The bat pony I was with jumped slightly as the heavy thud tapped out against the room. I made sure I was tucked and wrapped up to go back. I had to keep moving, the moment I stopped would be the moment I started to think. I had to focus on moving, on keeping ready for my walk back to war.

It would come, I would get home, and when I did I had to be ready. I turned to the night watchman. "What the fuck are you doing? Run."

The pony scratched the ground. "We're not allowed to use the--"

I reached into the chest and found my rifle. The post-soviet piece of shit was still broken, but a bayonet was a hell of a motivator. "I said run." I held my rifle ready and jabbed it towards him. "Run!" I kicked the wall next to the guard as he scattered away. "Get on that fucking track!" He scrambled out into the main room and over the desks towards the door outside.

"Hey hey-- no!" He slammed wither first into the door, bouncing off with a heavy thud.

I walked out, slowly fixing my coat and getting ready to chase him. "You'd really better hope they find a way to send me home before I'm done with you." I held my rifle low and got ready to run. "You've got about five until I shove this right into your lung!"

The pony slammed himself up against the door a few more times, trying desperatly to open it without using the doorknob. "No! Hey that's not funny!"

I nodded. "I'm not trying to be funny." I started walking towards him. "Open that door."

The stallion slammed himself against the door two more times before laying down before me. "Hey! Think, I helped you--"

I walked up before him, hanging my rifle over his side. "That armor should stop a knife, right? In theory at least, I mean that's what it's for."

The stallion's eyes were wide, his chest heaving under his tin armor. "Please don't."

I dawned a rather horrid grimace and raised my rifle. "You should have opened the fucking door!" I made a big show of pretending to get ready to stab him. He flinched hard and pushed his hooves up to defend himself. I reached past him and opened the door into the cold night. The moon was slowly rising in the distance, lighting up the edges of everything with a pale silver. "Get the fuck outside." I lowered my voice, I wanted to scare him but I couldn't help but feel I went a bit too far at some point."

The yard was a massive walled off court, sporting a standard sized track and a few open areas with snow covered grass or sand laid down for training. A fancier version of what I'd trained with, but nothing I couldn't figure out. The only thing that felt odd was the walls themselves, white and ornate, far too elegant for the under-trained ponce I was stuck with.

The bat pony opened his eyes and looked around. He leaned his head up towards the door and grew a deep frown. "It was unlocked, wasn't it?"

"Getting stabbed is scary, right?" I pulled my rifle against my shoulder, bayonet pointed up. "Almost like it makes you panic." I tapped the broken magazine back into place. "I mean, I wouldn't know anything about that...I'm just an asshole." I snarled to no one and stepped over the stallion. "God damn bullshit...."

The stallion righted himself and stepped out after me. "Um, I wasn't saying anything--"

I turned to him and pointed up at him, my arm hooked upward with finger upraised. "Oh but you fucking thought it!" I leaned towards him and stared as hard as I could. "You fucking thought it.... Now run." I leaned in further. "That wasn't a question."

The stallion's ears went flat. "Can I--"

"Fucking run!" I shoved him back with my knee and pulled my rifle up. "You run until you fucking drop!" I stabbed the ground before his armored hooves. The thunk was extremely satisfying, the dirt soft but still resistant to stabs.

"Shit!" The stallion reared up and scrambled back. He bolted away from me, running over the grass and onto the dirt path that ran around the massive yard.

I followed after him, my boots landing heavily against the solid ground. "Oh boy, not even mud. Not even mud!" I chased after the stallion as he ran clinking and clanking across the straight. "You're not running!" I hurried after him, my muscles finally achieving the use they so desired. "I swear to god I catch you I'm going to beat you to death!"

The stallion kept looking behind him, occasionally turning around to make sure I wasn't too close. "I can just-- Stop it!" He scrambled away as I drew in. "I can do this without--"

"You're not running!" I picked up the pace and jogged down the path. My stripped down frame felt extremely light, there was zero reason this horse couldn't outrun me. "This isn't a game!" I slung my rifle over my shoulder and sprinted over to the stallion. "You think I want to be here!?" I bounced forward and jammed my foot against his ass, kicking him forward slightly and causing him to run. "Consider this incentive! Get me home or so help me god I'll make this place a fucking warzone!"

The cold winter night was setting in. The air was perfectly clear. The pony was finally gaining some speed and keeping ahead of me. I slowly let off and stepped to the side of the track, watching the half armored horse run laps. I settled in and watched, enjoying the physical exertion however brief. "You run until you drop! You don't stop until you can't run anymore!"

The pony zipped around the bend and back over to me. He kept quiet and just kept running. He had the resolve of tinfoil. I rubbed my eyes as the pony ran round and round. Seeing the untrained colt sprint along brought up bad memories. Days spent digging pits and getting ready for the shells to fall.

A few more dark ponies had started to walk in or fly towards the yard. They settled down on the side and started talking amongst themselves. I kept to myself and kept watching. I didn't know why I thought it would distract me, all watching this thing run seemed to do was stir up more turbulence. I felt sick, the twisting in my gut only growing as I tried to recant the day, even the hour.

A loud laugh pulled me out of my funk. The ponies that had wandered in were starting to shout and yell at the running stallion. "Hey, come on, you get gingered again!?"

I tapped my fingertips against my rifle and grabbed the handguard. "How'd this even happen!? You got outsmarted by a monkey!?"

I took a deep breath, letting it out slowly to watch it drift away. I started to walk over as the group started laughing at my runner. I drifted back into the moment, the laughs and voices growing more and more annoying as I closed in. I stepped before the group and looked them over. "...Run."

I needed to keep my mind on the movement. More running couldn't hurt.

Shear

"Come on you fucks, run!" I marched along side the column of ponies. "You'll run until dawn unless you get those fucking laps down!" I ran to the head, the pony I'd forced to run first was now leading the formation. "Strip that armor off if you need to! Light infantry is the backbone of any army, armor is for those who know they're not fast enough to dodge!"

I marched with them, watching a few helmets and a pair of hoof guards drop against the track. I slowly dropped out and let them march. "I see someone break formation I'm shaving their head!" I walked back and kicked the scattered equipment off the track. It was all show, some of it dented and caved in under a simple boot.

I rubbed my arms as I stepped back off the track. The six dark ponies were formed up into two rows, marching side by side down the track. The moon was already starting to fall back down to earth. "Run!" I screamed at them as they passed. "Stragglers are left behind, don't stop moving!"

I looked over one of the helmet I had snagged. Its ridge was dull, its shape malformed for the user. Cotton stuffing was haphazardly stuffed into the dome and you could see where the ear hole chafed and the owner had stuck strips of folded paper on with glue. "What a piece of shit." I tossed it into the snow, the tinny thing rattled softly as it landed. I unslung my rifle and lined my bayonet up with the helm.

It didn't take more than a quick jab to pierce the thin metal. All show, no substance. I turned back to watch as the ponies ran along the track. "Two more laps! Sprint to the finish! Anyone drops out I'll half your rations!"

The ponies took off, running like mad as they rounded the corner. Watching them move, under my word, my command, it set something warm in my skin. All the violence and strength I'd been raised for, all without the bloodshed I was forced into. "What's going on here!?" A booming voice shook the snow. I turned towards it, finding a few guards in gold armor stepping out of one of the buildings that lined the courtyard. "Who let this--"

"Perfect timing. Old shift is about over." I pushed the helmet off my bayonet and slung it back over my shoulder. "Guess who gets to run laps--"

"Who let the thestrals into the training yard!?" A guard with a bright blue ridge jutting from his helmet. "Guards!"

"Oh here we go." I pulled my rifle around. "You start shit this time, someone's actually going to die." I rested my hand against the joint between my rifle and its stock. "If you're gonna try shit, you're gonna die this time!"

The white and grey guards took a collective step back. Only the one with the blue plume stayed standing. "What are you waiting for!? We're not letting this thing--" I looked around the guards. None of them seemed too awake, or eager to fight. Most of them had their armor on, but straps were missing or undone, fittings were off, most didn't have helmets.

I stuck my rifle in the dirt and walked up to the guard with the plume. I turned to find the last of the bats running past the final stretch of the track. "I'm sorry, did you have a problem?" I looked back to the guard with the plume. He stared up at me, bright yellow eyes bitter as hell. "I guess we do have a problem."

"No bats on the track, and you're not even supposed to be outside you monster--" I grabbed the plume and hit him in the side of the face with my knee. I yanked hard on the plume, the stallion let out an extremely loud cry, the helmet only jostled on his head.

I shoved the stallion back with my foot. "Are you kidding me?" I laughed softly as the guard pressed his hooves against his head. "That's not even just an ornament, that's your fucking hair." I rubbed my mouth. "And the award for, oh shit I'm going to get murdered, goes to whoever thought that was a good idea."

The guards that had accompanied him were a bit out of it. "What? Were you not expecting a fight?" I looked them over. One was dumb enough to put on his helmet. "Hey skippy, you wanna see a magic trick?" I reached back for my rifle. The heavy metal mess quickly shed the knife, giving me a neat little barbers tool.

The guards backed up towards a wall. "Come on, hit me, pin me! You did it before, do it now!" I held my arms out, the bayonet sitting heavily in my right hand. "Scared?! I know right?!"

The guard with the helmet was a deep grey, his silvery mane popping through his helmet. "Look, you're not supposed to be outside, and there's no night ponies allowed on Royal Guard equipment--" I lunged after him, my toes ripping up a bit of grass as I grabbed his mane. "Ow--ow--ow!" He pulled back, only causing my grip to strain his head.

I hurried after him, keeping my fingers wrapped up in his mane. "This is why you cut your fucking hair!" I pulled him under my side and slammed him sideways into the dirt.

The guard with the blue mane started screaming. "Someone call the princess already!"

I slowly worked my way around until I had the horseguard in a headlock. I pulled his mane out with my left hand and started to slice through his mane with my free arm. His head was yanked to the side as I pulled him, but it was a good a time as any to teach a lesson.  And if I was leaving soon as I hoped, it would be something I didn't have a lot of time to teach. "See--much--better!" I sliced through the majority of his mane and tossed long clumps of silver hair away. "Such--a fucking--waste!" I let him go and scrambled back. The stallion grabbed at his head with his hooves as the other guards hurried away.

"What the buck did you do!?" He threw his helmet off and ran a hoof over his head. "What did you do!?"

I took a deep breath and stood up. "Damn, got all excited." I hopped in place and flexed my fingers. "What did I do? Grooming. Better question is, why do you think it's a good idea to have something someone can grab hanging out of your person!"

The stallion stepped back sloppily, his hoof still stuck to his head. "Lieutenant?" He turned to the blue maned stallion who had never gotten up from the grass.

I took another breath, my heart still pounding. "Oh right, can't forget the leader." I walked over the guard and straddled him. "Be glad I can't shave you, otherwise we'd be out here a lot longer." I took bunches of his blue mane in my hand and pulled it back. The stallion let out a sharp grunt as I dragged my knife over the ridge of his helmet.

The loud crunch of snow came from behind me as I sheered off his mane. "Somepony help!" He shouted, digging his hooves in to try and escape the sloppy cut.

I shook my head and finished up with my hasty trim. "I am helping, you racist fuck." I stood up and stepped back. "Tell me not to use a track, tell me to stay inside! You don't tell me shit until you learn my fucking name you rat!"

"Able!" A voice loud enough to send a ripple of energy against my back came from behind. I swung around to find Celestia standing over me, a few centimeters taller when standing over me. "It's enough!"

I turned to face her. "Is it? You didn't even know I was out here, did you?"

Celestia's face twisted up as she looked towards the two sheered ponies. "Leaving unsupervised wasn't enough? You had to--"

I held my knife by the blade and held it for her to take. "You left me with a farmer pretending to be a solider. Don't blame me when I try to fix it."

Celestia shook her head. "You know, I thought after we spoke you'd be a little less belligerent."

I took my knife away and hung it in my belt. "This isn't me being belligerent." I turned to the downed guards. "I came out here for a little exercise, and someone got a little too uppity."

The blue maned pony stood up shakily. "Princess, he was letting the thestrals use the field."

Celestia had a mere moment where her frown showed through. "You what?" She turned to me with a horridly rough glare.

I stared right back at her. "You left me alone. You left someone to guard me that barely even knew how to hold a spear. What did you think was going to happen!?" I flung my fingertips from my head out into the air.

Celestia took a deep breath and looked to the two shaved guards. "A moment, please." The guards stepped back giving me some space with Celestia. She leaned down to whisper to me. "Able, you need to listen to me. Stop."

I stepped back and shook my head. "Get me home."

Celestia looked towards the castle. "Even if we can, it won't be soon--"

"Then you'd better give me something to do." I fixed my coat and stood tall. "I don't handle the quiet very well."

Celestia looked at me dead on. She slowly leaned forward until her horn was touching my head. "We will talk in the morning. Until then, you need to sleep."

I looked up at her horn. "You're gonna knock me out, aren't--"

Burns

The smell of human charcoal fluttered through the air. I could only walk a straight line through the fire and smoke. I was alone in the dead city again. The constant tapping of a geiger counter drilled into my bones. The burning clicking, radiological fire digging into everything lit my skin ablaze. I couldn't scream, I couldn't move. I could only look out over the ruins of my greatest mistake. The woodpeckers drilled on to the chorus of radioactive death.

Tick Tick Tick

"Ah fuck!" I tried to jump out and upright from whatever held me, but the grip only grew tighter. "No!" I forced my arms out, finding only warmth and a soft coat around me. "What the fuck!?"

The warmth shifted away. "What?"

I rolled to my side and fell hard against the floor. "What the fuck happened?! Songhai, you fuck!" I sat upright and rubbed my eyes. "Where is he?!" I looked up to find Celestia looking over a deep white bed. I cocked my head slowly. "Whoa...what the fuck?"

Celestia stood up and walked off the side next to me. "You're asking what?" She looked back to the bed. "What was that?"

I gritted my teeth. "Nightmares." I rubbed my face and sat back. "Just a nightmare...."

Celestia stared at the bed. "You were shaking when I put you down. And you just...." She turned to me with an extremely worried look. "Are you alright?"

I rubbed my head. "I'm locked in a room with a horse who was just spooning me." I looked down at my body. "I'm naked." I turned back to face the overly worried mare. "And I still don't have a way home. No, I'm not fucking okay." I stood up, wobbling like a drunk as I stood before her. "I'd say I'm pretty fucking far from okay." I held my head, a deep pounding slowly started to overtake my numb mind. "Now why the fuck were you spooning me?!"

Celestia dragged her hoof across the marble tiles. "As I said, I put you into your room. But you started shaking rather violently. I was worried, so I brought you up to my quarters."

I looked around. The room was nearly identical, only bigger and more ornate than the last. "So you spooned me? A grown fucking man...."

"You stopped shaking." She frowned softly. "You did--"

"Have you ever been irradiated?" I planted my feet and stretched my arms. "It's fucking terrible. And maybe having something around me stopped me from shaking, but that doesn't mean you couldn't have just jammed me up against a wall. It wasn't a fucking seizure." I rubbed my eyes. "You really need to stop worrying about me, and worry about finding a way to put me back where I fucking belong!"

Celestia's tail crimped upward at the base. "Well excuse me for trying to--"

"Wow...fucking subtle." I rubbed my eyes. "Did you seriously just do that?"

"What?" Celestia looked around. "Do what?"

I felt an ugly, worn down glare rust over my face. "Tail."

Celestia turned her head and spotted what I was talking about. "I didn't do that on purpose." She flicked her tail, getting rid of the awkward gesture. She wore a soft bit of blush around her cheeks. "I--"

"I never thought I'd see a horse blush, and now that I have I don't know what the fuck to do with myself." I scratched my ear and looked to the door. "Should I just go?"

Celestia huffed and walked to the door. "I really didn't even notice--"

"So you're naturally into bestiality.... I mean, even for a horse person, that shit is pretty fucked."

Celestia stopped dead before the door. She tapped the ground with her hoof and swung herself around to face me. "Oh? Bestiality? You're not a sapient creature? You're some sort of animal?"

"Me personally? Probably. I'm sure there are other people that I'd say deserve to be called normal or good, but I'm a fucking-- I'm not good, I'm pretty much evil if anything."

Celestia cocked her head. "I expect you to elaborate, but then what is this?" She pointed a hoof towards my groin. "Was it because I touched you? Are you so starved for contact--"

"This happens when I wake up." I lied through my teeth. I shook my head gently. "Don't flatter yourself. I've grown up with horses, I've--" I shook my head hard. "Why the fuck are we talking about this?!"

"You what?" Celestia walked up to me and poked my stomach. "I try to do something  nice and you claim I'm--"

"Don't fucking poke me."  I stepped back and put my hands up to block her. "I've been here a week! How have you not established a no fucking touch rule!?"

Celestia grumbled and turned her side to me. "How have you not stopped being such a violent ass?" She flung a wing out and slid a feather down my knee.

I stared at her, rage welling up inside my stomach. "Why must you test me? We are both fucking murderers apparently, why would you provoke me?"

Celestia turned to me in two long steps. "Because at some point I hope you'll stop being so violent--"

"Stop-" I put my hand on her front. "-fucking-" I pushed her back a step. "-hitting on me." I put both of my hands out and stared at her. "I have som- I have someone back home, and you--"

"Your wife." Celestia took a deep breath. "You know, you could indulge me while you're here. Perhaps not in such a sexual manner, but you could try to act like you're enjoying your time here."

"I did enjoy myself. I cut two of your guards manes right the fuck off. It was great." I put my arms out at my sides. "This." I pointed to the ground and made a quick circle with my finger. "This shit, this is weird."

Celestia sighed and looked over to the door. "Speaking of, we need to discuss your little training." She turned back to face me. "And...Able, you didn't seem too worried about your wife, more worried about yourself."

I stared at her. "Don't test me horse, just don't. It's a whole load of shit you don't want to step into--"

Celestia stepped up to me and tapped my head with her chin. "I've been trying to talk to you on a personal level, if only to help you adjust. And if you are sent home, I doubt anything you tell me--"

"She's a seventeen year old whore I stole from a pimp. I call her my wife because it's what she wants, not what I want." I stared into Celestia's eyes. "Is that what you wanted to hear? Does that make you hitting on me, poking me, trying to make me mad any fucking better?"

Celestia's expression grew grim. "I suppose not. But you seem--"

I snarled angrily and turned away. "Look. You want to talk about this? How about you tell me why perfect magic land has overt racists running the military?!"

Celestia didn't say a word. She walked around beside me and put her wing against my back. She tapped me along and turned me towards the door. "Shall we then? If we're going to talk, I'd rather do it in private." There was a certain graveness to her voice that cut the tone of playfulness she was batting around in two.

I licked my lips as we walked towards the door. "You're...older." I took a breath. "I didn't want a fucking wife." I stepped out from under her wing. "I asked her because it was what she wanted." I felt a knot lodge in my throat. "She's too young to know...but I--"

"What do you want from her?" Celestia turned to face me. "I've been alive a few thousand years, I've outlived spouses and been through quite a bit, so I suppose you're asking the right person given the lack of your species."

I clenched my hand into a fist. "I just wan-- I need her to be safe. I just don't want to see her hurt anymore."

Celestia nodded with her eyes shut. "Do you love her?"

I heard my heart beat once. It echoed in my ears. I moved on towards the door. "Not in the way she loves me. I'm never going to live up to the expectations she has for me...." I stopped at the door. "You know, if I go back, I don't even know if I'll survive. And I'm starting to think it would be better if I didn't." I tapped my fingers against the cold stone wall. "God I hope she's okay."

Celestia pulled the door open with her magic. "I'm sure she is--"

"Then you haven't seen my home." I stepped out into the hall. I pointed around the room. "This shit? Talking horses? Magic crap? I adjusted pretty quick right?" I took a deep breath. "This isn't shit compared to some of the crazy garbage I've seen. This isn't shit compared to Maine." I rubbed my head. "This isn't anywhere close to the syrup covered mutants they had making bird noises and fucking...." I felt my skin creep. "Somehow...talking horses doesn't quite stack up."

Celestia walked out and shut her door softly. "Syrup covered--"

"Mutants." I took a deep breath. "Shit was not good back in Maine."

Celestia hummed. "Well, if you're tired of talking about yourself. I could always--"

"If you try to bitch about being single, or make any suggestive comments, I'm going to leave--"

Celestia coughed into her hoof. "I do apologize for that. And I was going to talk more about the guard problems and the past." She walked down the hall. "What was that you said to me? Don't flatter yourself."

I looked down at myself. "What the fuck about this is worth flattering?" I ran my hand over one of my scars. "Nasty shit and bad memories all around."

Celestia paused at the stairs out of the tower. "I'm sure I could find something. But right now, you need to explain that screaming episode, and I'll let you know about our guard policy, okay?"

I rubbed my chest. "Sure.... But your guard policies are wrong."

"I'm sure compared to your violent world, but it works for--"

"There's some saying my friend used to say." I started off down the stairs. "If you want peace, prepare to fight for it. Or some shit like that."

"Indeed...indeed. But I think I fought for it hard enough in the past." Celestia's voice echoed down the staircase. "For now, a little wash, a little food, and maybe we can teach you to be civil."

"I'm not your fucking science pro--"

"Try. Maybe we can try and teach you to be civil."

Night Problems

"Titan-- this old guy who handles mental health, said it was chronic PTSD." I rubbed my head and sat down in the tub. "I told him he was full of shit." I rubbed my eyes. "It's only ever nightmares anyways. If I keep going as long as possible it doesn't bother me."

Celestia looked at me from across the bath, her mane doused and heavy. "That's not normal though, is it? Nightmares that often?"

I rubbed the tip of my nose. "Look, it doesn't matter. You wanted me to tell you what was going wrong, I told you." I slouched back into the warm water. "I manage."

Celestia grabbed a sponge with her magic and waved it around in a circle. "By being a violent ass?"

I felt like something heavy set upon my shoulders. "That, and just by generally not panicking about anything. It's actually pretty useful when you're getting shelled. You just zone out and wait."

Celestia shook her head and dropped the sponge against her forehead. "That's not good. It can't be healthy."

"Neither is missing a leg. But that didn't stop some people." I scratched my arm. "So, what the fuck was that shit last night about?"

Celestia turned to me. "With the night guard?"

"No, when you fondled me while I was asleep. Yes the fucking night guard!" I stood up and raised my arms up. "You're not allowing your soldiers to train on the equipment you fucking provide?"

Celestia patted her head with the sponge. "Did I tell you about them? The thestrals?" She looked past me, at the door. "That is locked, right? Oh never mind." I cocked my head. "You'll see."

"See what?" I spotted what she was talking about as a golden bubble enveloped us. "What the hell?"

Celestia looked around. "Hello--hello. Okay." She nodded. "There are certain things I'd rather keep extremely quiet."

"Sketchy."

"Oh extremely." Celestia looked around again. "There are reasons I keep them from training." She took a deep breath and sank deeper into the tub. She looked over to me with a smooth shift of her eyes. "Remember when I said I've killed? When I--"

"Don't split hairs." I scratched my nose. "How many of them did you kill? And, if you did it for a reason, why are there still some around?"

Celestia's mouth hung open. "It's not that simple. We were displaced, we needed a home, they were unwilling to let us stay!" Every muscle in her body seemed to tense up as she spoke. "I had to find them a home, and if we roamed, we wouldn't have survived!" She took a breath to steady herself. "Everything you see, all the land from shore to shore, it was taken from them. Their kingdoms were burned, their land was seized, all except for one--"

"It was a genocide." Tapped my fingers against the glowing wall she had put up. "Then why leave any left?"

Celestia shook her head. "It wasn't about killing them. It was about finding a home. And they made it extremely clear cohabitation wasn't going to be an option!"

I stared at her, bemused. "So you killed them and took their place? Nice."

"You weren't there!" Her voice rattled my teeth. "You think I enjoyed it!?" Again, it echoed around the bubble, shaking me to the core with the sheer volume. "I left them alive because I knew it was wrong!" I flinched away, ducking down under the water. "If I told them what would happen? If I let them keep a military what would happen!? I keep them safe, it's what I have to do!"

The bubble shattered, sending disintegrating shards of energy into the water and around the room. I pulled my head out of the water to find steam coming off of Celestia and a white glow buried in her eyes. "Holy shit, okay...sorry."

Celestia's eyes slowly returned to normal. She rubbed her eyes and poured some water over her head. "I made it clear that those portions of history were buried. Thousands of years ago I did something I had to, for the betterment of my ponies, and the preservation of the thestrals. And if I have to keep them in the dark, if I--"

I waded through the water over towards her. "Okay...it's okay."

Celestia stuck a hoof out. "Don't."

I stopped half way and held my arms out. "So you can touch me when I talk about this, but I can't?"

Celestia lowered her head. "Able, if you need to be productive while you're here, I'll tell the guard to listen, but you can't train the night guard. Not yet. Maybe not ever."

"How long ago was this?"

Celestia took a shallow breath and sank into the water. "Long enough that I should have told the truth by now."

I nodded slowly. "It's easy to hide it, until you start seeing the consequences. And by that time, telling the truth always does more damage, just because you hid it."  I held my arms out. "You want a hug? That make you feel better?"

Celestia huffed. "Don't patronize me...."

"So that's a yes?"

Celestia sank into the water and blew a few bubbles. "Yes."

"I figured." I wadded over to her and put my arms around her withers. I scratched up and down her maneline.

She sighed lightly as I pulled away. "You're one of the ten or so people I've told the truth.... Most have been because I trusted them, knew them for decades."

"And me?" I waddled back and sat down.

"I haven't told anypony in a thousand years. And nopony would believe you if you tried to tell the truth." She swirled the water around her hoof. "I thought it would feel a lot better to talk about it than it is."

"You never get relief from it. You just stop carrying it around." I leaned back against the wall. "Well, can I ask if you're just straight up racist? Do you keep them--"

"I keep the guard weak. That's all." She breathed slowly through her nose. "There's a large enclave in Canterlot, but the majority still live on the land I let them keep. Luna watched over it, but with her gone I fear it might be in a bit of a state."

I scratched my head. "Luna's your sister, right? The navy one?"

Celestia turned to face me. "Have you not met her?" Celestia's eyes sank past me. "Able...can I help you?"

"You can help me get home--"

"With your nightmares." She focused back on me. "I think I might have a way to help you."

I laughed loudly. "Sure, I'll believe that when I fucking see it." I hopped up and out of the tub.

Celestia looked up at me. "Able...I think I can help you."

I felt myself frown without my own permission. "I don't think anyone can help me with that."

"And if I do?" She stepped out and rung her mane out into the tub.

I shrugged. "I'll sit patiently for you to get me home? Oh, and Jesus will come down and smite the sinners." I held my arms out. "You're not gonna solve shit."

Celestia looked towards the door. "Alright." She took a deep breath. "Would you care to keep talking?"

I took a deep breath and looked around. "Can I have my pants?"

Celestia's face went blank. "That might actually be an issue. One of my student's friends has them.... She offered to--"

"Why? Just...why?"

"She offered to fix them."

"My pants weren't ripped." I put my hands on my hips.

Celestia shook her head. "I gave them to her in the set."

"Why? They were fine--"

Celestia walked past me to the towel box she had by the door. "They were filthy and ripped--"

"I'd been stabbed and shot! It wasn't like the knife was going to magically phase through my clothes and just cut me!" I slapped my hands against my sides. "They were fine!"

Celestia toweled herself off then turned to me. "Able, talk to me about your wife."

I felt a weight slam against my ribs. "Why?"

Celestia tossed a towel over my head. "You seemed worried about her."

"You're just-- You--" I stopped myself and stretched my neck. "I just want her to be safe and happy. That's it." I rubbed my eyes. "I don't want a wife...but if it wasn't me taking care of her, who the hell would it be?"

Celestia walked up to me and put a hoof out. "You can watch out for somepony without marrying them."

I huffed and stepped back, putting my arm out in denial of her offer. "It was her idea. And if it makes her happy, keeps her mind off what happened to her, then so be it." I rubbed my arm. "I just want her to be safe, and happy. That's it."

"That's sweet." Celestia tapped the floor with her hoof. "Seems like we had the same reasons for fighting then. Maybe on different scales, but I'm glad to know we share that much."

I shook my head. "We don't." I rubbed my chest. "I really hope we don't."

Celestia walked back up to me. She held her hoof out again. "You know, you're much calmer around hot water."

I felt my eyes burn. I blinked hard, feeling one tear drip away before I could stop it. "Talking fills time. Keeps your mind moving on happier thoughts." I wandered back to home, to Miz, to Quebec. "Bittersweet, maybe, but still happier than what comes up when you don't."

Celestia slapped me with her tail. "You know where to find me."

I shook my head. "Yeah, but I can't get attached. Talking leads to attachment, and if I'm going home I need to be ready to leave without getting hung up on goodbyes." I felt my skin creep. "It's why you're not supposed to talk with the locals anywhere. You move through and keep fighting. You stop and you lose focus and die."

"How horrid." Celestia walked around behind me and tapped my shoulder with a feather. "But I think maybe you're not at risk of death here. At least not sudden stabbings as you've described."

I felt my gut sink. "God damn it."

"What's wrong?" Celestia walked around and looked me over.

I held my gut. "Just worried." My fingers dug into my flesh. "My wife-- Miz. She's not-- She's-- Miz, Miz is her name. I call her my wife to shut down people talking about her." I rubbed my chest. "Got a false arm, and I taught her how to fight. I mean, as well as she can considering the fake arm." I moved my hand to my side. "Sudden stabbings...are more...common-- Fucking, I'm worried about her okay!?" I held my free arm out. "Is that so fucking weird?"

Celestia pulled my towel away with her magic and dabbed my head. "Then I suppose I'll try and find you a way home." She sighed softly. "Trying to find one particular world, one universe, at a certain time or instance is nearly impossible. We might find you a way home, twenty years later or thirty years ahead. We might find the right time, but the wrong location, the wrong world, there's a lot that can--"

"Try." I stepped back away from her. "Just try...please."

Celestia nodded slowly. "Able?"

I patted my side. "What?"

"Can I hug you?"

"I'd rather you didn't."

"Are you going to stop me?"

I tried to put my hands in my pockets, instead I just slid them over my thigh. "No? I lack the means and--"

Celestia stepped forward, pressed her chest against my shoulder and wrapped a hoof around my back. "I'll try to find you a way back."

I kept my arms at my side. "...Thanks." I awkwardly started to raise my arms up to return the hug. I decided against it and just stood there.

Celestia eventually stepped back and smiled at me. "Thank you." She turned to the door. "Able, clarify, are you married or--"

"Are we doing this again?" I shook my head. "I'm not, but god damn is now the--" I stopped dead and locked up as Celestia pressed her tongue against my shoulder. I felt my muscles twitch as she licked up and flicked it off my arm. I titled my head towards where she'd licked me and shook my body out. "Jesus Christ."

Celestia laughed softly. "Too much?"

I was still reeling from the sudden equine display. "God damn it...son of a bitch." I ran my hand over my neck. "It's a horse thing, isn't it? horses used to lick me back when I worked the stable." I felt a shiver run up my spine. "God damn it, son of a bitch."

Celestia shrugged. "It's rare I find somepony I can share the past with. Is it such an awkward display of affection that you--"

"Display of affection.... So that tail--"

Celestia snorted and turned away. "How often do you think I talk with stallions? If it's not my guard, almost never. It's either heads of state or guards, and neither make for particularly good conversation." She shook her head. "The griffons are always worried about trade, Saddle Arabia's Sultan is a lecherous pig that asked me into his herd, and the Cervid Tsardom has a Empress. Shining Armor is marr-- The captain of the guard, is married to my niece. And my subjects never ask about such aspects of my life, unless they do so in absolutely lecherous ways." Celestia shook her head gently. "And I made sure to keep it simple."

I took a deep breath. "For a horse.... Completely different context with humans...."

Celestia cocked her head. "Oh?"

I just shook my head. "Just don't lick me again. Okay?"

Celestia nodded. "I suppose I overstepped--"

"It's just-- It-- fucking--" I put a hand on my head. "It means something different for us, okay?"

Celestia put a hoof up. "I just wanted to--" She reached over my head and licked my hair. "Better? Is it a skin thing?"

I stared at her, completely drained of anger. She was earnest, but it still pissed me off. "It's a skin thing. Now don't lick me again."

"Nuzzle?"

"Why?!"

"Because I consider you somepony I can be friends with."

"Then shake my ha--" I stuck my hand out and looked at it. I tilted my head slightly. "I can see where this would become an issue."

Celestia leaned her head down and poked her horn.

"Funny." I turned to the door. "Casual chat about death followed by hugs and kisses." I rubbed my face. "Are we crazy?" I looked back to her and pointed at myself. "Is it crazy, or has it just lost meaning for us?"

"Killing?" Celestia frowned. "I don't think it's lost meaning. I think the impact is a bit less for ponies like you or I. Living thousands of years tends to dull the pain, as does war."

I sighed loudly. "I guess. So what next? You have work for me, or we gonna keep talking?"

"Did you want to keep talking?"

I shrugged. "Passes the time."

Celestia smiled and nodded. "I'll take that as a complement. Follow."

Goodnight

I laid down and watched Celestia walk around beside me. "I don't know what you think is going to change--"

"Shhh." Celestia's horn sparked a few times as she paced around me. "Are you going to need help getting to sleep?"

I sunk deeper into the bed. "You're gonna"- I watched as her horn slowly closed in on my head -"do that thing ag--" The world started to grow greasy and hazed. "I'm geeeting rul sik uph you dooing tat--" I closed my eyes and tried to die, only managing to pass out as usual.

I woke up in a field. The sound of guitar drifted around me as I laid there. It was a slow, extremely calm tune with just enough pep to it to keep the energy up. The low crackle of a campfire joined in as I sat upright in the tall grass. A few specialist in white were sitting around the fire, one had his mask up and was strumming away at a guitar.

The flat metal faceplate still glowed through the two perfectly round eyes. I looked around, the sun had set, the air was chilled, but the fire was warm and I couldn't help but walk over. One of the soldiers turned to me, their mask painted with bright yellow streaks. "Oh shit, Able, what's going on?"

I scratched my head. "Marlow?" I walked through the tall grass and into the clearing they'd cut away. A few camp stools were propped up and a stood around the crackling fire. "Holy shit, Marlow."

Marlow stood up and turned to me. He took his mask off and held his arms up. "What's up brother? Long time no see!"

I licked my lips and looked to the man with the guitar. He bore a long beard and a perfectly blue patch on his chest. "York?"

York looked up to me. "Hey man."

"Still singing you old bastard?" I laughed softly and walked up to him. "What's up man?"

York smiled and shook his head. "Nothing--" I put his hand against his guitar strings and put his free hand towards me. "Been a while though, hasn't it?"

"Hell yeah man! Glad you made it!" I was amongst ghosts, walking, talking, sitting around and enjoying a fire. I turned to face the last person, her hood was up, but I knew who it was. "Juno...Juno holy crap." I walked up to her and wrapped her up in my arms in a flash. "Oh my god, it's good to see you!"

Juno shifted around in my arms. "Hey Able." Her voice was soft as ever.

I felt a hand pull me back. Marlow pointed to a chair by the fire. "Man, relax, sit a bit." A flicker of the light showed the truth, his face torn to shreds, his eyes hollow from the blast at Saint-Pierre. But it only lasted a second before his smiling face returned.

I nodded quickly and found a seat. The fire was warm, the sky overhead a deep dark blue. The guitar picked up once again, leaving us in a small bubble of kindness amongst the violence these people had gone through. Blasted apart, burned, shot, stabbed, eradicated, but here they sat.

I looked past the group. More and more white coated men and women walked towards us. I knew them all, I'd watched them fight and die beside me. Yet here they were, lit up by the bright fire. I felt safe, I felt welcome, I felt at home.

I took my gloves off and held my hands towards the fire. The guitar picked up as a few other joined in or started singing. Conversation bustled aimlessly between my brothers. I was warm, I was with friends, and I could see them as they were meant to be. I could see them happy.

I opened my eyes. Celestia was standing over me. "Able?"

I took a deep breath, my eyes were already burning like mad. "I'm okay." I pushed up and sat upright. The sheets rustled loudly around me. "I'm alright."

Celestia smiled at me. "You didn't shake." She put a hoof up against my knee. "Able, how did you sleep?"

I looked past her, towards the window. The sun was slowly filtering through and bringing life to another day. "I slept...I-- I'm alright." I rubbed my head. "I don't even-- I didn't scream, I'm okay." I turned to face Celestia. "I'm okay."

Celestia's smile warmed my heart. "I'm glad. I said I could help-- Oh!"

I reached out and wrapped my arms around her head. I pulled her tight against my chest and stared out at the budding morning. "I'm okay.... I'm okay." I said again, still a bit shocked at my own rest. "...Thank you." I pulled her against me once again. "Thank you so much." I turned my head and kissed her neck. "Tell no one...."

Celestia pushed her head against my cheek. "I'll let you have your macho attitude." She giggled softly. "I'm glad you're okay."

"Thank you." I dug my fingers into her mane. "I saw them again...they're okay." I nodded slowly. "They're alright." I let go and leaned back. Celestia met me, face to face, eye to eye. "Thank you." She was beautiful, and I couldn't bring myself to say anything else but thank you. "Oh Jesus...I need to go wash."

Celestia watched as I slid out the opposite side of the bed. "I'll leave you to it then. And Able, you're welcome."

Drop In

I stood outside our transport. The smell of burning oil and human charcoal drifted around me once again. "Stop that screaming!" One of the captains ran up and down the road, screaming at the wounded, to stop screaming. He wasn't the most well put together man.

"Warm." An extremely out of place voice came from behind me. I snapped around to find a dark blue pony walking towards me. It was far too normal to be one of the ponies I was staying with. "Hello." The mare walked up to me and bowed. "Able, I am Princess Luna." She smiled at me, a painfully freakish sight to see an actual horse smile. "A pleasure."

I coughed and looked around. "Whoakay...uh...you're not a princess, you're not whatever the hell those pony fuck things are."

The horse looked around. "I fear I undoubtedly am." She spun around in place. "This is a good memory?"

I looked around and pointed out towards an armored car with a bright red and white flag. "This was one of the worst landings we had, but no one died, only seven injured, and we planted a flag on the island for the first time." I rubbed my arm and looked back behind me. "I got to go home for a while after this."

Luna nodded lightly. "I see. Well, then I'm glad I could accommodate."

I felt my gut churn. "You made this?"

"I made this possible." She nodded. "I hope you don't mind me going through your thoughts. It was rather hard to find these sort of dreams." She smiled again, making my skin creep with the horseish display. "It should happen naturally if we continue this."

"Cool...thanks." I looked at her again, overcome by a sick creeping hate. Not at her, but at the fact that I had someone like this hitting on me not two days earlier. "Can I-- Why do you look like this!?"

Luna looked down at herself. "We have not met in person, I believe this is a subconscious view of me. As unflattering as it is...."

I sputtered and mumbled. "Can Celestia get in here? It's not just you, I promise."

Luna nodded. "If she is asleep, which I think she will be. Stay here."

"Alr--" I watched as she walked through a rip in space and time. "Ohhhhh..." I felt my skin crawl at the horrifically illogical display. "Fucking-- Dear fuck that was creepy." I groaned loudly as my entire body shook. I started to whimper and jump in place. "Oh god damn it, this is fucking creepy!" I shook my arms out in what might have been the most feminine thing I've ever done. I knew I was in a dream, everything was effectively paused, and there was a dimension walking horse skulking around my thoughts.

"God damn it, ew-- Just-- fuck-- bleerk." I started to laughed nervously. "I don't like it, I don't like it!" I hopped in place. "No! Just gross ass damn it!"

"I return--"

"God-- Jesus!" I scrambled back. "What? What happened...?" I turned to face her. Still a straight up horse, not features to say otherwise. "I just-- I'm really sorry...I can't look at you. Uncanny valley. Horses aren't supposed to smile like that."

Luna coughed roughly. "Ah, a visual issue? Then we should meet in person, dispell this strange view."

A loud woosh came from behind me. "I'm--euh?" A soft plop came from the same direction.

I looked behind me. A normal woman with a pure white body and a few equine features was kneeling down next to Luna. "Oh god damn it...." I turned away, looking at the pale grey end of an armored car. I groaned loudly. "Celestia?"

"Able.... Is this how--"

"I think I might have brain damage." I stared at a shovel bolted to the end of the car. "That's you...isn't it?" I looked back again, the hair was right, the color, the voice. "Yeah...it's you." I slumped my head forward and grabbed the shovel. "Well...that's not good, is it?"

I turned to face them, keeping Celestia hidden with the end of the shovel. Luna looked Celestia over, head to toe. "Are you two--"

I pushed the shovel away, getting a full view of my brain's version of Celestia. I felt a creeping sensation worm around my spine. "Alright, so we're not talking about this, and we're not doing this again. Okay?"

Celestia cupped herself. "What even are these?"

I reeled the shovel back in and based myself across the face. The last thing I heard before snapping awake was a loud metallic pang.

I snapped awake in the guest bed I had been given. I could feel a heavy frown pull at my cheeks as I stared up at the ceiling. I didn't say anything, I just spent the morning staring angrily at the sky. I didn't want to try and explain things, I just wanted to find a way to spite my brain.

The door into my room creaked open. "Able--"

"Out."

Celestia, back in normal tall ass pony form, peeked in. "What was--"

"Out."

Celestia cocked her head. "You know I'm not--"

"Seriously, we're not talking about it." I kept staring upwards. "...Find me a way home yet?"

Celestia stared at me, barely visible out of the corner of my eye. "I've asked my student to work on it. She's rather energetic about magically focused works." Celestia pushed the door open and walked in. "And just to say, if that's how you think of--"

I snapped my head to her. "Look again...you'll find something far worse right now!"

Celestia rolled her eyes. "I was going to say than--"

"Door."

"You're acting like a colt I walked in on!" She stomped her hoof. "Must you--"

"I fucking fucked a horse! Okay!?" I pushed upright and turned to her. "Fifteen years old, I was alone in the stables, I fucked a mare! Okay!? Is that what you wanted to hear!?" I held my arms out. "Oh Mr. Crazy ass gets a boner around me, I must be so special! He must look past what I am, eeh-eh-ehmena-- Arugh!." I felt my throat burn as I yelled. "Alright!? I had a bad time with a horse, and you speaking normally to me...humanizes you, I think that's the fucking word. Look, just get the hell out of here!" I pointed to the door. "Just-- Fuckin go!"

Celestia stared at me and slowly started backing out. "Okay. Should I run a bath?"

My vision started to tremble. I felt my entire body shake for two seconds before it all just drained out. "Eugh...."

"Oh dear!" Celestia pushed the door back open. "Able? Able?! Able you're bleeding!"

I moved my hand to my nose. "Yeah...probably blood pressure problems." I snorted softly, the sniff laden with blood. "Can't imagine why. I'm not angry or agitated or anything."

Celestia covered her mouth with a hoof. "I should go--"

"You should have funking fusking fukar-- Piss!" I screamed at her. "Just piss!"

Celestia covered her mouth and coughed. "Are you going to be okay? Tantrum over." She walked up to me and put a hoof on my shoulder. "Able?" She shook me gently. "Able? Are you alright?"

I turned to her and cocked my head. I lowered my voice. "I wanna go home.... I just wanna go home and get shot at again." I shook my head. "I'm not good at nonviolence damn it." I flopped my free arm against the bed. "I just-- I wanna go home."

Celestia nuzzled my crown with her chin. "Twilight is working on it. I promise." Celestia scratched the ground. "So, would you want to talk today or should I give you some privacy?"

I swung my arm up and let it fall back to earth. "I don't know...." I rubbed my forehead. "I just don't even know what I'm doing anymore. See, war made sense. I was a good guy, they were bad guys, good guy fights the bad guy. Here, shit is just complicated. I can't yell at people or I get in trouble, you're here, you're a horse, I'm-- I think I'm just gonna go back to sleep."

Celestia nodded. "Well you know where to find me."

I tried to take a breath, only left to inhale blood. "Suhru. I need a rag."

Wait

I sat outside in the melting snow. "How long has it been?" I asked idly, looking around at the ponies running around the guard track.

Celestia walked around to my side. "Twilight's still working on--"

I turned to look up at her. "I'm just asking how long. The snow is starting to melt." I tugged at the grass. "It was January when I got here."

Celestia scratched her head. "January?"

I groaned and stood up. "First month of the new year--"

"Ah." She looked out at the guards running. "It has been some time, hasn't it?"

I gritted my teeth. "Feels that way."

Celestia's magic twinkled around me. "You arrived on Phoen the fourteenth, it's currently--"

"Twelve month system? Four season?" I asked, looking back to her.

Celestia nodded. "Yes...why?"

"Year, Month, Day."

"Ah." Celestia's horn shut down as she tucked her book away. "Two, two, five. You arrived on two, one, fourteen."

I sighed loudly. "Feels a lot longer. Wait, two? Two years?"

Celestia licked her lip. "We finished out the old era and started a new one when Luna returned. Did I not tell you? A lot has happened since then. I crowned a new princess, discord returned, changelings invaded. All within a year or so." She closed her eyes and sighed. "But yes, you've almost been here a month. Oh! You can celebrate winter wrap up!"

I dug my heel into the mud. "Wait, so your sister's only been around for two years? Aren't you both like, ancient?"

Celestia stopped her prancing. "That's-- I'll tell you later. And she's been around about two and a half years. We didn't start the new era right after she returned, we waited until the following new year. She returned early in the year prior to One After Luna's Return. ALR for short--"

"I really don't intent to be here long enough for it to matter." I rubbed my neck. "Any news?"

Celestia cocked her head. "I told you, she's working on it."

I looked the the guard. "Any chance I can get back to training them? Sitting around is starting to take its toll." I stretched my arms. "I miss the noise."

Celestia tapped the ground gently. "Ah, perhaps. Things have calmed down a bit since the thestral incident." She stretched her wings, tapping my crown with a single feather. "Am I not entertaining enough?"

I turned to her and glared. "Serious? Do I look like the kind of person that does well in classy places?"

Celestia looked me up and down. "Well, you're naked and muddy, so no."

"Speaking of! Where the fuck are my pants!" I held my arms out. "Seriously! She took them like a week ago, what the fuck!?"

Celestia shook her head. "I really don't know. I am sorry about that, I thought she'd work quicker."

I grumbled and rubbed my chest. "I look like a dog."

Celestia looked over my chest. "Hmm...you do realize you're not nearly as hairy as me or anypony else, right?"

I opened my mouth, it hung open with only dead air coming out. "That's not my point--"

"Have you considered trimming?" She walked around me in a quick circle. "I know ponies that shave their beard or mustache, you haven't though, I just assumed you didn't want to."

I scratched my face. "I'd shave off all my hair if I could."

Celestia shook her head. "Don't. You look fine with hair, and ponies always regret shaving their manes. Trust me." She tugged hers with her magic. "Wasn't always this long, or this short."

I stared at her mane, watching the iridescent shimmer run through it. Colors faded and gleamed as she stood there. "What's up with your mane anyways? Do you do that on purpose, or does it just happen?"

Celestia's face went blank. "Do what?" She pulled her mane around to her face. "I don't understand."

I waggled my hand at her head."The glowy shit, the color changing stunt you pull!"

Celestia cocked her head. Her mane went a solid pale turquoise. "I do it to give it some life. Because this is just a bit boring." I stared, and stared, and kept staring. I started to go a little lightheaded. I forced myself to take a deep breath and stepped back. "Able?"

I groaned loudly. "God damn it.... Nothing." I rubbed my face. "It's not boring, just for the record."

Celestia frowned and looked back to her tail. "You don't like the different colors?"

I shrugged. "The flowing thing is a little distracting." I scratched my arm and turned back to the runners.

Celestia sighed loudly. "I like it though--"

"Then do it. I'm not telling you to stop, I just asked if you did it on purpose." I grabbed the hair on my chest and tugged it lightly. "God damn...so I've almost been here a month?"

"Twenty-one days. Not too terribly long, considering your arrival." She scratched the earth, digging a small patch of grass out of the snow. "You've spent three days in the dungeon, if you count those."

"I don't. Still though, I feel like I haven't done much." I scratched my elbow. "I don't really even feel like anything happened to get me home either."

Celestia leaned towards me. "You've spent most days sleeping, or doing whatever you do while you're on your--"

"Sleep, eat, masturbate. That's about it really." I stretched my arms. "Black light that room and it'll probably glow." I tried to think of what else I'd done. "The guard thing was a night." I rubbed my chest again. "Talk with you every day, got nothing better to do."

Celestia cocked her head. "Well, you could have asked. I'm sure I could find you something to do."

I shrugged. "Give me some guards, I'll hammer out some soldiers and it'll keep me busy."

Celestia looked behind us, towards the castle spire. "You could travel. At earliest Twilight will have you some sort of way home within the next month or so."

I scratched my beard. "A month?"

Celestia nodded quickly. "Letting tears or portals open on their own can be sudden. Creating a stable one takes time, and skill, and even then--"

"Look just get it done." I crossed my arms. "I still have people waiting for me."

Celestia tapped the ground. "Well...Able, you know if we do find you a way home, the portal will still be open." She tapped my shoulder. "I've had portals open to other words before. Or rather, one other time."

"Oh? What happened--"

"It was a dead planet, no oxygen." She nodded. "I decided it would be better to just get rid of that one."

I nodded. "Probably.... But what's your point?"

Celestia coughed. "Well, in theory we could establish a permanent boarder with your home, you could travel back and forth, we all could."

I started to stare at the base of her horn. "I-- I-- Pffff." I slapped my sides. "Cool."

"Cool?"

"Yeah, cool...." I shrugged. "I don't know what you expect me to say."

"That you'd visit."

I lowered my view to her eyes. She still had a beautiful color about her, and the shade of blue in her mane was gorgeous. I took a deep breath and slumped forward. "What's that winter wrap up thing? Like some holiday?"

Celestia nodded. "We clear away the snow and bring in spring. There's usually a dinner held in the castle."

I scratched my chest. "Look, I don't do public things, I just don't. But if you wanted to-- Look, I'll sit down and be civil if you want, like an actual dinner. Just not in public, I can't deal with crowds well."

Celestia smiled at me. "I can host something private. I'll invite someponies I think you'll--"

I shook my head. "No...just, trust me, alright?"

Celestia's tail popped up ever so slightly, and only at the base. "Alright...."

I took a deep breath and crouched down. "...If I ever get home...if I-- I mean you'd stick around with me?"

Celestia leaned against me. "Able, I've offered to try. I've been around a long time, I've been with dragons, griffons, thestrals, every species. I've outlived them all, and I've learned that personality and kindness are what matter. And you might not believe this, but I believe you can be kind if you tried." She reached down and nuzzled my crown with her mouth. "I mean, I do enjoy physically attractive ponies, people, you understand. But it's been long enough, and I do enjoy discussing matters of war and state with you, even histo--"

I stood up and held my arms out. "Lick me."

Celestia stepped back. "I'm sorry?"

I popped my arms up slightly more. "Lick me. Now's your shot, you've made it real clear what you've been getting at--"

"I'll save it, thank you." She shook her head slightly. "But I am glad you're at least considering it."

I took a deep breath and let my arms fall to my side. "Look...my romantic life has been severely fucked up." I looked to make sure the ponies were ignoring us and running along. "I lost my virginity to my sister...I fucked a horse when I was twenty...I'm locked up in a sexless marriage with a seventeen year old girl I'm watching over, and the last time I had sex was during a mortar barrage in a muddy foxhole." I shrugged. "You're the sweetest person to ever ask me to do something like this...and all I'm going to do is disappoint you."

Celestia cocked her head. "Your sister?"

I groaned loudly. "I grew up in a place with ten people. We were about fifty miles from any actual town. And when you're fifteen and your sister is thirteen, and you've both never had sex, and never met anyone your own age for fifty miles, shit like that will happen...." I rubbed the back of my neck. "One...blizzard stricken night...." I rubbed my face. "It's not like I don't regret it! It was a matter of teenage rage and no outlet! You couldn't masturbate, you couldn't fight, there was nothing! You were never alone! Sitting around and playing cards with her was the closest--"

"Able, do you want a hug?"

"Yes!" I held my arms out. "...Yes...I just--"

Celestia swept a wing behind me and pulled me against her. "Shhh-shh-shhh. It's okay."

I whimpered softly. "I'm just trying to tell you, I'm not what you think I am. I'm just going to disappoint you or not live up to--"

"Have you ever cheated?" Celestia swung herself around and started guiding me towards the Castle. "Ever lied about loving somepo-- Someone?"

"No and no...."

Celestia pushed me along towards the nearest door. "Any vices?"

"No." My feet hit stone as we walked along the path towards indoors.

"Disease?"

"Fuck n--Chlamydia once, cured." I pulled away and stepped away from her. "That was from the woman in the foxhole to be fair...." I coughed into my hands. "Like I said, I'm not sure what you--"

Celestia poked her horn towards the guard office. "Able, are you willing to try?"

I locked eyes with her. "Are you still trying to get me home?"

"Yes." She nodded swiftly.

I shrugged. "Then there's your answer.... But trying and succeeding are two very different things."

Celestia closed her eyes and turned away. "One dinner, then you can decide. And even then, nothing is set in stone. Not even Discord." Celestia's smile faded. "Even though he should be...."

I scratched my head. "Who?"

Celestia turned to me and backed into the guard office. "Nopony. At any rate, you should go wash, I'll find you your guards, and please...give yourself some worth." The door to the office creaked shut.

I looked down at my bare body, scarred and pale, pasty even. My hair was unkempt, my beard scraggly and long, everything about me read homeless and battered. "Alright...about a dollar?" I rubbed my forearm. "I don't fucking know what my paystub was." I groaned loudly and ran my hand through my greasy hair. "I get looking past a lot, but come on damn it...."

A red pony with a hat ran over. "Excuse me...you've talked with the princess quite a bit, yes?"

I nodded. "Yeah...what about it?"

The red pony nodded to me. "Can you point me to her? I have a message."

"Just tell me."

The red pony looked towards the castle. "She has a guest waiting, Ms. Rarity is here with the clothes she asked for."

I gritted my teeth. "I'll be sure to tell her. Bye now."

The pony looked me up and down. "They said you were unpleasant. You're honestly not that terrible--"

"Oh I'm just hiding it. Saving it rather, because you just gave me somewhere to aim all that rage I have." I smiled at him. "You should go now."

Dragon Skin Boots

I walked back into the castle entry. The servants parted before me as I stormed through towards the odd mare out. A cart full of cloth behind her told me everything. "Hey, whitey-" I whistled sharply, "-up here!"

The mare looked around to me, sporting an outragously swirly haircut. "Oh! Oh my, so that's what you look like." She smiled and nodded. "A pleasure I suppose--"

"Hi, what the fuck?" I kept my hello pleasant, but immediately switched to an annoyed tone with the rest. I walked up to the cart and rummaged through it until I found my uniform. The old dirty white coat and pants were bleached pure and clean. "I mean you can't-- Oh...." I held the coat up, finding my black undershirt sitting dark and redyed within. "...Alright." I tossed my actual uniform over my shoulder and pulled my underwear on. I got suited up and straightened it out. "You don't have--" The way the sleeve sat against my wrist felt tighter, the bulletholes, burns, slashes, and other assorted tears were either patched or stitched together. "I don't-- Fuck it."

The mare lifted a hoof over her face. "I'm sorry?"

I took a deep breath and looked to the cartful of clothes. "I don't need all this.... You fixed this, so thanks, but it shouldn't have taken you that long." I grabbed a bundle of black and held it out to her, bunched up in my hands. "You do know why I wear white, right?!"

The mare cleared her throat. "I don't. Assumptions were made of nobility and higher standing."

I stared at her, then took a quick look at the black outfit. "You're wrong...." I unfolded it and looked it over. It was an exact copy of my CPI coat, even sporting a woodpecker patch on the shoulder. I looked back to the mare. "It's camouflage. I worked in the snow, and it's really important not to be seen. I'm not going to go out wearing black to--"

The mare nodded. "Well are you working now? Because from what I've heard you've simply been a guest." She brushed her coat and stepped lightly against the floor. "And I'm sorry about your original, it was far beyond repair." She tugged the white clothes now covering my body. "I took the pattern, cut it to the same measurements and built this one from scratch. I tried to match the weight--

I looked down over myself. I honestly couldn't even tell. The patch was exactly the same, the weight was heavier if anything, but the material was soft on the inside, and it held in the warmth far better than my tattered jacket. "No, it's good...." I rubbed the sleeves. "I still think you--"

"Well I'm glad you think so, Mr. Able." She smiled at me. "Word was that you were quite the ruffian."

I took a deep breath. "God damn you...." I tossed the black coat onto the cart. "I come in here, ready to explode at someone and smack a bitch, then you come in here like, oh good morning, I made you a sweater!"

"I did actually." She turned to the cart and started levitating a few things out. "They're all very similar, I just changed the materials, used a few patterns from the diamond dog torsos and tried to keep towards your original's pattern." She smiled wide and pulled a pale blue set of fatigues out and held them for me. "I feel like the sapphires might be a bit gaudy considering how austere your first was, but I felt it added some pop."

I rubbed my forehead. "Alright...look, I'm gonna start yelling and shit, don't take it personally. Normally I would want you to take it personally but-- But...buaaaaah...." I watched in awe as a little purple lizard started walking out from one of the halls. "Buaghhhh."

The mare cocked her head. "What? I don't understand."

I didn't know what the fuck it was, I didn't know why it was here, but I wanted it to die. "Get that fucking thing away from me." I clutched my bicep. "I'm gonna kill that fucking thing if it walks towards me!"

The mare turned her head. "I don't-- Spike?" She whirled her head around towards me. "You won't touch a scale!"

The little lizard was frozen in place with one foot stuck out. It made my skin crawl. "I'm serious...if you can understand me, back up right now little shitbird." I shifted in place, giving my legs a good stretch as the thing silently backpedaled towards a maid. I nodded slowly. "Get the fuck out of here...."

The mare stepped over between me and the lizard. "Excuse me!" She flipped her mane back. "It's very rude of you to--"

I snorted at her. "I don't do lizards. I just don't, so fuck off." I felt the rage build up once again. "Don't defend that thing, just get and keep it away from me!"

The mare shook her head. "You know, you were actually slightly tolerable for the first few minutes--"

I held my arms out. "Oh, you want the anger!? I'll fucking show you the anger!" I pointed at her while I walked around to the cart. "You could have prevented this, you could have just got a bunch of nice words and left, but no...." I snapped my head around, finding the little lizard hiding behind a pillar. "I'll fucking skin you and make a pair of boots you fuck-bird-lizard-anus!" I grunted at the thing and stepped towards it. I had no idea why I hated it so much, but something about the colors, the bipedal movement, and the scales was really pissing me off. "Don't look at me you little fuck!" I pointed at him. "I can still fucking see you! I will throw you through a window if you don't leave!"

The mare stormed over, her hooves barely making noise as she stomped. "Really? Must you pick on a child to make yourself feel better?!" She pouted and puffed her chest out. "Pick on somepony your own size!"

I slowly turned to look down at the skinny mare. She wasn't the shortest, but compared to me she was a stick figure. "Are you serious?"

The mare stomped her hoof. "I won't have you bullying--"

"It's not really bullying, I just don't like that thing!" I looked back to where it was. "Oh Jesus...I don't like not knowing where that thing is." I shivered hard. "I need a perimeter."

The mare rolled her eyes. "Oh I'm sure he'll hurt someone your size. Gnaw on your ankle--"

I turned to the cart. "Alright...well, since you seem so eager to take a bullet for that thing." I looked into the cart and pulled out the black uniform. "This...okay, I'll probably wear this." It lacked a hood, and generally felt like a dressier version of my old outfit. "This-" I pulled out a bright blue suit with rhinestone studs buried in the lapels. "What the fuck even is this?" I looked it over, it was covered in glitter and jewels. "Who the fuck would wear something like this?"

"Ah!"

"Fucking blind a flock of seagulls with something like this." I tossed it to the floor and grabbed the next one. "Holy shit, it's getting worse." White variant with golden trim and a few silver buttons. "Hello sailor, how's the seamen taste?" I tossed it away. "What the fuck is this?" I reached in and grabbed a vest, still based off my uniform. It had two giant emeralds imbedded in either side of the front, and a long line of gems up and down the zipper. "Who would wear stones!? That sounds, and looks, like one of the least comfortable things you could do!"

The mare lifted a hoof up and let out a sharp gasp. "How dare you! I worked very--"

"I know! I can tell you worked hard." I looked at a bright pink set of pants. "It takes hard work to fuck something up this bad! I mean damn, I set off a nuke, but hell if you didn't do more damage!" I tossed it into the air and held my arms out. "Remember...you could have avoided this!"

The mare just stood there, frozen, hoof raised, mouth open, eyes watery. "I--I--I--"

"You?" I lowered my arms and adjusted the black cloth on my shoulder. "Are a lizard ally? Are a gaudy prissy little shitebasket? Are--you're crying...."

The mare rubbed her eyes and stepped back. "Unbelievable!" She turned away and walked towards the castle doors. "I try to do something nice and this is how I'm treated!?"

I held my arms out. "I told you, don't defend the lizard!" I turned to look at one of the maids. "Did I not tell her?!" The maid looked over and slowly backed out until she slipped into another room. A few others joined in, hiding or escaping the soon to be warzone. "Oh you fucking cowards."

The mare spun around, black streaks running down from her eyes. "I spent hours making these for you! And you just--"

I held my hands up. "Why!?"

The mare sat on her haunches and waved her hooves around like a crazy person. "I was trying to be nice!"

"Why!?" I held my arms out towards her. "I've worn this same outfit for a solid year! I've got three of these exact same uniforms in my locker back home! I lived in a warzone! Fashion is for the whores or the officers! I am neither!"

"Stop yelling at me!" The mare stomped her hooves. "How was I supposed to know?"

"You stop yelling!"

"I'm not yelling!" The mare's horn lit up. The cart flipped sideways as the mare stood. "This is me yelling! Do you like it when I yell!"

"I don't fucking mind! Everyone else probably fucking does!" I walked up to her and stood off with her. I took a deep breath and hopped in place, trying to get rid of some of the tension. "Look...thanks for the fix, but fuck your lizard friend."

The mare stared up at me, eyes watering. "That's it? That's all you're going to say?"

"Yeah." I walked around behind her cart and picked it up. I tossed the flashy clothes into the back and fixed the standing bit. "Ask anyone else here, I don't say nice things often." I walked back to her and stuffed my hands in my pockets. I took a deep breath and looked around. "Did you get paid to do this?"

The mare huffed and rubbed her eyes. "No. Celestia asked me for a favor, and I thought I'd be nice and do more."

I felt my lips tug against my cheek. "Hmm." I turned to a vase standing next to a pillar. "Wait here." I hurried over and carefully picked up the vase. I carried it over to the cart and plopped it down amongst the clothes. "I don't have money...."

The mare stepped back and looked at the vase in her cart. She took a deep breath and turned to me. "You don't interact with many ponies...do you?"

"Like, three?" I tried to count the ponies I knew by name. "Celestia...Luna....Uh, Celestia." I scratched my head. "Not even three."

The mare took a deep breath and planted her hooves. "You, are a savage." She flicked her mane back. She let out a sharp huff and blinked a few times. "Get out, talk to ponies, and stop being such an absolute animal." She levitated the vase out and set it on the ground. "...Apology, mildly accepted."

I pointed to the vase. "That wasn't an apology--"

The mare hooked herself to the cart. "It was an attempt."

I lifted my finger. "That's-- Ehrup...." I slapped the back of my neck and watched the mare roll along towards the castle doors. "Do you like...want help with that or something?"

The mare shook her head and walked over. "No."

"But--"

"I said no." She stomped her hoof. "Spike, we're leaving."

The little lizard popped out from behind a pillar and ran past me. I stepped away as his dirty little lizard feet slapped lewdly against the ground. "Disgusting."

The little lizard hopped into the cart and the mare saw herself out. I just stood there, with fixed clothes and a new black copy of my old one.

Deep in the pit of my stomach, in the depths of my heart, I felt a weight. However slight, it was there, and now it was refusing to move. "Holy shit...first time I've felt guilty in a long ass time." I scratched the back of my neck and looked around. "Well shit."

The castle door popped open a few seconds after the mare left. "Able? What happened?" Celestia hurried over and looked me up and down. "Did Rarity arrive?"

I sighed softly. "There was a lizard...I might have been an asshole about it." I scratched my arm. "Still, fuck that god damn thing."

Celestia cocked her head. "Lizard?"

I breathed slowly in. "Celestia?"

She turned to me. "What's wrong?"

"I'm a prick." I grunted and shook my arms out.

Celestia looked down at me. "You were mean?"

"I made her cry...."

Celestia swung her head around to look at the door. "Oh dear...."

I sighed loudly. "God damn it." I rubbed my face. "Being nice is fucking hard."

Celestia looked back to me. "You could ask for help--"

"Oh fuck that!" I scoffed and crossed my arms. "I'm not that socially crippled."

A maid coughed loudly. "Yes you are!"

I just stood there. Celestia walked around me once and looked me in the eyes. "No rebuttal?"

I groaned softly and slumped forward. "No...."

Celestia looked towards the door deeper into the castle. "Do you want help?"

I shook my head. "I wanna go home. War is less work than being nice damn it."

Celestia patted my head with a wing. "Why not work on both?"

"I dunno."

Celestia looked me over. "She did a good job."

"Yep."

She tapped her hoof against my boots. "Polished them--"

"Yep."

Celestia cleared her throat. "Something like that black, would be good for a social gathering--"

"I feel terrible enough! Stop it!" I held my arms out. "Seriously! I get it!"

A few maids went to try and fix the vase situation. One walked over and stared up at me. "Then stop."

I felt my eye twitch. "It's not that easy, dickhead."

The maid nodded. "Then start." She turned her nose up and walked away.

Celestia walked to my side. "Able, don't."

I felt my frown grow heavy. "I'm not going to...." I took a deep breath and turned to face her. "When's that dinner?"

"A day or so, why?" Celestia looked around. "Planning something?"

I looked at the black outfit on my shoulder. "I don't know. Probably never going to be good at being nice, but that seriously felt like bullying." I scratched my arm. "I'm alright with being a vulgar asshole, but damn...." I pointed to the door. "That shit--"

Celestia swung herself around to stand with me and cupped me in her wing. "Do you want to take a seat? You seem a bit rattled."

I stepped away. "I'm fine." I scratched my arm again, same spot. "I'm gonna go to bed."

A.T.W.M.

I sat in my room, watching as the sun set. I had finally grabbed all my stuff from the lockup, and I could finally move freely. I looked at my backpack, sitting beside me on the bed. I grabbed it and flipped it open. I only needed two things, two things to save myself from the swirling rumble in my gut.

I grabbed my mask and a set of tough gloves. A few other bits found themselves dumped into my pockets. I had to hurry, I only had a few hours before the sun would rise and I would have to sit down and keep my mouth shut. I stood up and pulled my mask down. A blue glow overtook my eyes as the mask started up. The room I was in lit up as bright blue outlined every corner and edge in the dark room. I couldn't see out of the actual eyepieces, shattered by a shotgun butt, but the camera was still feeding into the hud.

I scratched my head and looked down at my body. I looked over at my patch and watched as the mask listed all the info it had on me. "...Well, this feels fucking out of place." I looked down at my hands. "Not that anything else has felt inplace."

I shook my arms out and hopped in place. I needed to get going. I'd asked Celestia where the mare was staying, all that was left was to get there without anyone noticing. I looked to the window and reached back into my bag. "This should hold me, right?" I grabbed the bed post and shook it. "Right?" I pulled a rope from my bag and tucked it under my arm. "I mean--" I pulled the post, a loud crack rang out. "Nope." I let it go and backed up.

I looked around the room for somewhere to anchor my rope. I hurried around, checking everything with a hook or a post. I found a heavy stone statue and hooked the rope around a few times. I carried the rest over to the window and got ready. I took a deep breath. A loud mechanical whirl came from my mask as I straddled the railing and got ready to drop. "I'm gonna fucking die." I took another breath. "Fuck it." I slipped off the railing and zipped slowly down the rope.

The air was chilled, my coat thick, my ride to the next roof quick. I watched as the mask lined up the ground. I looked out over the city, the mountain town was massive, and now clad in blue lines detailing every building for a half mile. It was beautiful, not particularly helpful, but beautiful. I carried on, walked over to the end of the small overhang and back down towards the ground. The massive white spire overhead was a sight, but it did leave me wondering how far I'd get before I had to climb.

I kept on scaling the side of the castle, occasional roofs or ledges broke up my ride. Then, about five meters off the training yard, I met a problem. "Well..." I looked at the tiny nub of rope left around my boots. "Shit." I looked up, my rope was stretched from the edge of the guard quarters to the base of the spire, with the whole network of other buildings and halls in between. "Fuck it." I slipped off and held my arms out. I'd dropped from father and lived.

I waved my arms in the air a bit. I slammed into the earth with a heavy thud. I fell forward and did a quick roll, eventually landing on my back in the middle of the snowy grass field. I looked around and felt my legs. Nothing felt broken and there was no blood. "Nailed it." I sat upright and got settled. I brushed myself off and looked around.

I went to rub my face and met my mask. "Forward Recon Finds A Way.... Mostly." I pulled my hood up and started off over to the wall that separated the castle barracks from the main street. I stared up at the tall wall, trying to figure a way over.

A loud metal creek came from my right. A tired looking bat pony stuck his head in and looked around. He spotted me and we ended up locked. I turned to face him, then looked over to the rope. It would be obvious to anyone who could see in the dark. I walked slowly over to the gate and leaned to the side. "Hey...."

The bat pony looked up at me. "Hi there...."

I lifted my mask up and clapped my hands together. "So...running track?"

The bat laughed and looked over to the rope hanging off the side of the castle. "You trying to go for a walk?"

I coughed into my hand. "Yep." I looked at the gate to the outside world. "So, we never talked, neither of us left our homes, okay?"

The bat pony nodded and walked in. "Sure, stealthy."

I looked back over to the rope and put my mask back down. "Yeah, sure." I stared at the glowing blue rope. "Super stealthy." I shook my head and walked past the metal gate towards the street. I caught a brief flash of horror as I looked down the long empty street.

Able run!

I dug my hand against my ear and shook my head. The long road was too bare, too quiet, and the curl of my breath trough the mask's filters pulled me back home for just a moment. I crossed the street and hurried towards an alley. Each step was quiet, everything was quiet. I peeked into the next street. The same as the last, lined with homes and businesses. I peeked into the next, the same as the last.

Each street felt identical. It was a grid, and urban sprawl of decadent paint and glass, all splashed in white and gold, only broken by the pastel. I scanned each window I could find, looking for the last thing I needed for my plan. I kept on, street back darkened street, step by step.

Each building looked the same, each one a husk. They might have been filled with splendor and a wide unique world on the inside, but as is, it was simply a shell. I had no idea where I was, but I didn't really need to. The building the white mare was staying in was on the castle grounds, all I had to do was keep the spire in sight and I would be fine.

I hurried down each street, trying to hurry and find the right place. I regretted not asking for directions, but this wasn't supposed to be a big deal. I hurried down towards a place that looked right. A tall window showed me all I needed. I hurried up to the door and pulled my gloves off.

I dug into my pocket until my tapgun and key was jammed into the door's keyhole. "Bam." I pulled the trigger, causing the lock to jostle. I gave it another jolt and tried the lock. "Come on...don't make me break it." I tried again, nothing. "Testing my patience here." Again, finally a loud click and a turn of the false key. "There ya go, smart door." I unlocked it and pulled my tools away.

The inside of the shop was warm and damp. The smell of plant life was heavy, but a nice change from the usual scentless chill. I pulled my mask up and looked through the flowers and pots that lined the storefront window. Red and white, I grabbed bundles of each and found some tape behind the counter. My mission was half way done, flowers obtained.

I looked out the window with my gifts in hand. I just stared out into the night. I looked down at my hands and sat on the floor. "What the fuck am I doing?"

I set the flowers down and grabbed my mask. I pulled it off and looked at it dead on. It looked like a heater shield with two perfectly round eyes. The solid painted white was speckled with dried blood, mud, and ash. I was born of war, to war, for war. Yet here I was, letting my friends, my family, my cause sit in the wayside while I got flowers for an apology note.

My eyes blurred as I sat there. I took a deep breath and wiped my eyes on my coat sleeve. I needed to get home, I was growing soft and complacent. I was growing human, and soon enough if I ever stepped back to war, I would meet my death in seconds. I would run for a wounded man, I would throw someone out of harms way, I would do a humanist act and die in consequence.

"What the fuck!?" I hopped up and screamed. "Why!?" I kicked the counter, leaving a large dent in the soft wood panel. "I don't belong here god damn it! Stop changing me!" I couldn't let this place dig its claws into me, I had to keep strong, if it was at the cost of my mind, my body, whatever, I needed to be strong.

I stood there, waiting. I lowered my head and picked up the flowers. I took a deep breath and pulled my mask back on. "You're a monster, Able. Never forget that." I tapped the metal with my knuckle and started off towards the castle again.

The walk was quiet. There was nothing here for me. Just peacful alleys devoid of danger or life. Simple, calm lives lead day to day, chugging on towards oblivion. I stepped back onto the road towards the guard barracks and slipped into the yard. My body just moved on its own, I was about ready to shut down and die, but I kept moving.

The bat pony was running along the track still, panting and sweaty, but still moving. I waved at him as he passed. He kept charging on.

I walked out into the massive main yard. The cold was finally starting to sink into my skin. The building the white mare was staying in wasn't far though. It was a large white tower, stout as it was it was still a tower. "God damn chode."

I hurried to the base and looked towards a staircase that ran around the outside. The white mare was on the third floor. The stairs didn't groan or creak, they just sat there blatantly adding to the painful quiet. The third floor was quiet, the door spitting out a bit of light. I walked over and turned the knob. It swung open to the sound of a feminine moan. "Oooh--Oh! Oh!"

The white mare was on her back in her bed, a glowing dildo sitting against her stomach. She was bright red. I walked over and tossed the white flowers down next to her. "You should lock your door."

The white mare coughed and crossed her legs, her tail stayed plastered against her groin. "You should knock--"

"Anyways, sorry." I pointed to the flowers. "I don't know what you people do with them, but I figured it would be a simple enough gesture." I sighed and flipped my mask up. The room smelled like horse pussy. "Rough day?"

The mare tossed a sheet over herself. "That could be said.... Can you leave?"

I stared at her. "Yes. But seriously, lock your door." I walked over and made sure it was locked. "And you probably shouldn't moan while there's lizards around...They'll bite you." I walked out and closed the door. "Where the fuck is that thing?" I looked up the steps, then down. "Mother fuckin' god I fucking hate--fucking lizard." I hurried down the steps towards bed.

I didn't really feel as good as I thought I would, but it did help settle my stomach knowing I did my best to apologize. All that was left was to go to bed, and get ready for a rather tough decision in the morning.

Shave

I looked like a mountain man.

I sat in Celestia's bathroom, slowly eviscerating myself with a straight razor. "How the fuck are you supposed to work with this?!" I tried to bring the blade back against my throat. "I-- No, fuck this!" I tossed it into the sink and stepped back. "I'm not killing myself!"

A pony Celestia had sent to help me clean up laughed. "So, you going to let me or not?"

I swung myself around. "You shut your gay mouth!" I pointed at him and leaned towards him. "You shut up...."

The fay stallion rolled his eyes. "Oh please boy, you'd be blessed if I opened my mouth for you."

I felt a shiver run up my right arm. "No...."

The stallion walked over and pulled the razor out with his magic. "At any rate, this is just a mess I want nothing to do with. The hair, I can deal, the rest is for somepony with patience like a stone." He poked my leg with his horn until I turned around. "Now what are we doing here? What's the plan?" He walked around to my back. "Can I shave this? It's rather light and probably--"

I leaned my head around. "Don't you fucking talk about my ass!"

"Oh just shut up and hold still. Think of something happy and don't flinch." I stared straight ahead as something dangerously sharp dragged against my skin. "Oh dear...what a mess. I'm going to have to take some time with this." I flexed my fingers around the edge of the sink, watching my own face flinch as the stallion went to work. "This isn't really that bad, but that bush on your front is going to be a challenge. Probably save that for the last."

I let out a groan as the stallion finished up. "Jesus cumblasted Christ...." I turned to face him. "That was--"

"Clean, very clean." He pushed me aside and rinsed off the blade. "It honestly wasn't that bad, but I'll say it is interesting just shaving to bare skin. Usually it's a lot more difficult with ponies, griffons don't mind too much, but you, you it's just rip and go!" He laughed and looked me over. "Hmm, I need scissors. I'll be back." The stallion turned away, his short cut tail showing off his bare asshole and balls. I stared with a deep frown.

I looked down to my foot. "Man, that would feel good." I kicked about where it would hit him. "Smash--bam--boom." I stepped to the side and watched the stallion rummage around a drawer in the corner. "Just one kick, square in the sac. Taint smash." I grunted and kicked again. "Still violent."

The stallion turned back to me with a pair of scissors hanging on his coat. "I'd rather you didn't. My colt seems too like them, and I'd imagine he'd be pretty mad if they got irreparably damaged."

I grunted and watched as he pulled a stool down from under the sink. "Eh, you don't use em."

"I do, give my colt a tasty--"

"Oh don't...." I shook my head. "Just don't. Please."

"Well, don't threaten my balls." The stallion patted the seat. "Sit, we'll see what we can't clean up."

I huffed and plopped down. The seat felt rough. "Did you really have to use that thing on my ass?"

The stallion shrugged and pulled my beard out. "It was like a white peach, and I figured being fuzzy in the wrong places wasn't exactly all that appeal for the mares." He pulled a comb through my beard. "Dear Celestia, this thing is coarse. Do you never wash it?"

"My beard!? No."

The stallion grimaced as his comb got caught. "It show- oh-oh no! What is this!?" He tugged a few more times, pulling at my neck. "Oh dear Celestia, it's metal!"

I pressed my fingers against the knot. "What the hell is it?" I dug against it and pulled, ripping out a bunch of my neckbeard as it came off. I pulled the nub up into view. A bright brass casing sat with tangled light brown hair weaved around it. "Oh, what the fuck?" I laughed and looked at the spent bullet. "How the shit?"

The stallion pressed his tongue against the back of his teeth, his gap showing off majorly as he did. "That was disgusting."

"Man, I don't even know how that got in there." I tossed it aside, sending the stallion flailing after it.

"Oh don't throw it on the floor!" He pranced after it and picked it up with his magic. He slammed it into a bin and walked back over. "That was so disgusting, how do you not feel that?!" He stuck his tongue between his teeth and shook his head. "Dear Luna, I've heard you were an ass, a mean pony, and just generally uncomfortable to be around, but that took the cake and ran with it!" He cringed and shivered. "Now I have to slice this thing back."

"Just don't--"

The stallion slipped the razor against my neck, sheering away a mass of hair smooth as could be. "No, you shut up, you lost your talking privileges when you pulled that out of your beard!" He made a strange gurgling noise and forced my chin up wit his hoof. "You're like a rat, just a scraggly gross rat." He bit his tongue, the tooth gap still painfully apparent. "It's alright, I'll make something presentable out of you."

I sat there and huffed, looking at the roof as he sliced away my beard. The comb returned to straighten my beard before he snipped away. "Don't shave it all--"

"I know how to cut a beard. I've been doing it long enough." He cocked his head. "Nothing better than a mare coming in with mane colored stubble, and I've got to make it disappear."

I coughed. "Mares grow--"

"Not nearly as much, but yes." He rubbed my neck with the back side of his comb. "There, no more neckbeard, goodbye rat." He collected my hair with his magic and tossed it into a bin. "See, this already doesn't look to bad." He combed out my facial beard and sighed. "Let's see how this looks trimmed, don't want a foal faced stallion, do we?"

I groaned and let the gay pony work. "Sure, just clean it up."

The stallion hummed to himself as he focused on one side of my face. "Birthmarks? Moles? Anything? Lumps?"

"No." I scratched my knee. "Just ugly--"

"It's not so bad. I could see a mare popping her tail for you. I mean, not many, someschoolfilly perhaps, looking for a rough and tumble stallion to piss off their daddies." He laughed. "Unless you twist the other way, I'd imagine you'd get a lot more young stallions looking for somepony fuzzy to--"

"I'll take that razor from you--"

"And cut my balls off, yes yes, bark bark, roar roar." He laughed and cut down my beard to shape around my face instead of sticking out with sheer bushiness. "You're really rather toothless, aren't you?"

I glared down at him. "No, ask the pony I put into the hospital--"

"But did you do it on purpose." He smiled at me and nodded. "I can't--"

"Mostly on purpose. Scared the shit out of me and got punched for it."

"Oh." The stallion shook his head and went back to trimming. "Well, you don't seem all that physically violent now."

I watched the scissors come under my nose. They trembled lightly as he snipped away my mustache. "I've been trying to tone it down."

The stallion scoffed. "Well, worked for me." He stepped back and combed out my beard, the teeth of the comb finally touching my skin. "I can't really imagine you actually hurting me."

"Why?!" I jumped up and held my arms out. "Am I not scary!?"

The stallion coughed and pointed his comb to my pubes. "Probably something to do with the afro on your sheath."

I looked down. "That's...I don't have a sheath."

The stallion licked his lips. "So...is it small or do I need to get a pair of shears?"

I made a rather annoyed face and held my hands up. "Fuck you."

"No thanks." He laughed and pointed to the mirror. "I trimmed one side, just to see what it would look like."

I turned and looked myself over. My right side was clean, my beard neatly trimmed but still left with some depth. It conformed around my jaw and was lifted up neatly against my chin. I ran my hand over it, it was soft and ever so slightly prickly. My neck was perfectly clean, sheered down until you could see my paper white skin again. "Huh, not bad--"

"You expected it to be bad?" The stallion walked around beside me. "How rude." He slapped the arch of my back with his tail. "Put some faith in me, I've been cutting hair for years now."

I rubbed the other side of my face, the neck clean but the beard long and rough. "Don't start, just clean this up."

The stallion laughed as I sat down. "It looks good, right?" He waggled his tail and went to clean up my face. "So, can I ask what you think of Equestria?"

I sighed and tapped my foot on the ground. "It's safe."

"And?" The stallion quickly snipped and sheared my beard. "Come on, you've been here a month or so, I was there on the street when you ran, and you seem a lot more calm since then."

I sighed as the stallion finished up and combed my beard. "I haven't seen much outside of the castle. Every single pony doesn't wear clothes, so I've had a lot to jerk off to--"

"Really?" The stallion stepped back and started chuckling. "That's what you bring up?"

I shrugged. "I've seen so much pussy and asshole, it's not even funny. The castle staff have this outfit that flits up when their tails move." I stood up and turned to the mirror. "Gonna get the hair or no?"

"Oh, yes, that mane needs to degrease." He walked around and pushed me towards the stool again. "and I've seen the maid uniform, it is a bit much isn't it?"

I grumbled. "It's not that bad, but even if ponies wear shirts, they don't wear pants, and it makes it even more apparent!" I held my arms out. "I mean, what the fuck!? It's fucking freezing, gonna lose your balls if it gets any colder--"

The stallion walked around behind me and went to work. "Oh I know, if I wasn't at the castle today I'd be in a pair of pajamas and snuggled up for the day."

"I don't-- Oh...no mullet."

The stallion leaned around. "Mullet?"

I put my hand against my neck. "Cut it to here--"

"I can see where it grows in! I'm not a dumb." He went back to cutting. "I'll call my apprentice over if you keep this up."

I felt the comb dig against my scalp. "Look, I don't know! I've been stuck here with horse people, I'm losing my mind!"

"Well, talk about it." The stallion started trimming. "I'm listening, ratty dog that you are."

I tapped my fingers on my knee. "It's just weird. It's too quiet, and I keep getting looks when I walk around the castle."

"Do they say anything?"

"I don't listen." I rubbed my neck, now smooth and soft. "They kinda just keep quiet."

"Do you talk to them?"

"Fuck no!"

"Then start." The stallion walked around to my front. "Just, try and be nice, or find ponies that are like you. Go try the guards."

I slipped my hand from my throat to the back of my head. It was clean and neat. "I guess--"

"Well, if that doesn't work, try the Iron Shod." He finished up with my head and stepped back. "It's a stallion's only bar--"

"Fuck you--"

"Still not interested." He tucked his tools away and looked me over. "But it's a stallion's only bar, and if you can stand a few horny stallions I'm sure you'd be welcome."

I turned to him. "You serious? Like...are you actually--"

"Yes." The stallion nodded and swept up my hair up with his magic. "Or, just go out and find somepony to talk to. I'm just giving you places to look--"

"I talk with Celestia...."

The stallion scoffed. "One. Maybe it's a princess, but still, woohoo, one!" He waggled a hoof in the air. "That's great! Such a large group of diverse friends--"

"What's your name?" I stood up and stretched.

The stallion smiled. "Sharps."

"Two. Two ponies. No, three! A bat pony at the track!"

The stallion laughed and pulled his scissors out. "Well, there's a place to look. I've talked with them, and they don't seem particularly well adjusted, seems like a perfect fit." He snipped at my groin. "A bunch of social cripples and a violent ass ho-whoaaaaa." He stepped back and rubbed his face. "Oh, that wasn't what I was expecting." He grew a bit pink and caught his breath. "Oh dear, um...I'll leave that to you."

I stared at him. "You just dropped--"

"I did." He closed his eyes and started laughing. "I was expecting something small."

"Fuck you." My voice was painfully calm and slightly playful, my fuck you landing with the impact of a pillow. "I've got to have something going for me! It's sure as hell not my head...."

The stallion laughed and tucked his tools away. "Give it some time, I'm sure your stay will give you some calm time to figure out what you have going for you." He coughed and turned to the empty bath. "Is it you or are your kind--"

"Me...." I waved my hand over her head. "Took it from up here and put it down there."

Sharps cocked his head. "I'm sorry?"

"One-seven-four centi." I rubbed my head. "The average is about one-eight-one." I scratched my head. "Shit hit the fan about fifty years back, and you can see the average height skyrocket, at least those were the people they studied. People who could eat often grew up really tall, people who couldn't stayed short." I scratched my stomach. "I could eat a lot, I just never really got too tall."

Sharps hummed and carefully stood up on two hooves. He met me about mouth level with his head. "Your people must be big--"

"The ones who survived were." I rubbed my arm. "Nothing like being the shortest person on forward recon, it's great." I stretched my neck. "I don't know, maybe it's just the recon that was tall."

Sharps pointed to the mirror. "Did you want to check out--"

"Hey, we're fucking talking here." I sat down and adjusted myself. "Recon was a bunch of the quickest and strongest we could find, scouts and snipers all of them--"

Sharps coughed. "Should I get a chair?"

I shrugged. "I guess? I'm supposed to meet Celestia later, so why not."

Sharps shrugged. "Fine by me. But I get to talk too."

"Fine, hurry the hell up then." I sat there and flicked my nose. "Below average...fucking--" I grumbled to myself. Bad memories of basic training flooded back. "Bullshit."

The stallion walked back with a stool. "Well, you might need a step ladder, but I'm sure you'll make some mare lucky."

I huffed. "Most mares are about stomach height with their back, hit about my chest or ribs with their head. Celestia? I don't know...probably going to have to find a stool or something to stand on."

Sharps cringed. "Are you really going to--"

"I don't know." I rubbed my face. "She's nice...we talk a lot, like every freaking day, but I'm gonna end up having to say goodbye and it's--"

"Well, live in the moment." Sharps sat down, his white coat jostling with his tools. "Just don't talk about it. Ponies might get a bit uppity if they find out you bedded the princess."

I rubbed my neck. "I'm not going to complain, and she's not exactly as super nice as you'd expect."

Sharps lowered his head and stared at me. "Pardon?"

I grunted. "Nothing...probably not my place to talk about that shit." I rubbed my nose. "We talk a lot about things you wouldn't think she would talk about."

Sharps hummed. "Hmm, you'll have to tell me if you get the chance."

I rubbed my arms. "Probably gonna be pretty busy for a while."

Sharps laughed. "Princess' new pet, I'd imagine you'd have a lot of new duties."

I sighed and stood up. "I don't know. I might just say no."

Sharps shrugged and shifted in his seat. "Well if it makes you feel better, ask her about her other husbands--"

"She told me." I rubbed my arm. "But, they're dead, and Celestia's family tree is about as big as a grand oak, so I mean...I'm not exactly super special."

Sharps shrugged. "Fifty fifty, she's a beautiful mare, a nice mare, but always stay humble my friend--"

"What do I have to be proud about?"

Sharps coughed and pointed at my groin. "That corker."

"Eh."

"Bigger than my colt's."

"Eh." I shook my head. "It's not like it matters much. She's a horse so I mean...I'm already a lot--"

"She's not loose...and screw you for--"

"I meant size wise." I crossed my arms. "Besides, aren't most horses supposed to be big? Just so they can reach--"

"Maybe where you're from." Sharps sighed and rubbed his chin. "My colt is...he's cute, wouldn't be around if he wasn't."

"Rough life for a horse with a small dick."

Sharps rolled his eyes. "Oh he moans the same when i stick it in--"

"Fucking-- Gross."

"Oh, and you talking about bending the princess over isn't? You brought it here."

I cocked my head. "Yeah, but I'm straight. Gays...eh, I don't--"

"Does me busting a warm load into a tight colt ass bother you?"

I felt a shiver run up my back. "Yes. Two males going at it will always gross me out!"

Sharps grunted. "Well, are you going to get all mad when I talk about my colt?"

"If you're talking about fucking him in the ass!"

"Fine." Sharps pointed at me. "You don't talk about it, I won't."

"Fine...." I coughed into my wrist. "It's gonna be interesting tonight."

Sharps laughed. "Oh, interesting? It's winter wrap up, if you're not hunkering down with a pony at your side, you should get the piss out of Canterlot!" He laughed. "Go down to Ponyville, join in the bumpkin parade."

Dinner

I finished getting dressed in the black outfit Rarity had made for me. I pulled it out and buttoned it up. It felt like a dress uniform, like something I would have worn upon coming home from the war. The black felt smooth, and even when tossed together with my boots it couldn't feel any less clean.

I finished up and looked at myself in the mirror. I'd tumbled into Equestria a ratty half dead man bent of destruction, and now all I could see was the advertisements in fifty year old magazines, I could only see the well groomed CPI officers that helped to maintain order and provide a figurehead for the man I was to follow.

I looked down to my hands. They were rough, torn, and now I was stepping into the uniform of something less, and perhaps something more. But the introspection could wait, I had someone to meet.

I stepped out into the hall. A pony with a vest stood for me. She nodded and pointed down the hall. "The princess is waiting for you."

I nodded and fixed my cuff. "Thanks." I stepped swiftly towards the stairs up to Celestia's personal quarters. The hall was wide, and the stairs quickly took away the freedom the wide hall had given me. The stairs were thin, barely big enough for two people. But step by step, stair by stair, I made my way to Celestia's floor.

It was late, and I would either stay on the floor or walk back down for good. I found myself in a long hall, doors lined both sides, and a single vaulted door with a small box next to the door marked her room. I took a deep breath before I stepped forward. "Make or break time."

The door swung open as I stepped into the room. Celestia turned to face me, over on the far end of her entry. Her bedroom was partitioned off by a curtain, her bathroom blocked by a door. A table lit with candles and a pair of plates sat in the middle of the otherwise sparse room. "Able, you look nice."

I nodded and walked over. "Had some help." She wore a pale blue lipstick with her made turned blue and pulled back into a ponytail. "So do you."

Celestia smiled and nodded. "Thank you." She pointed a wing out to the chair on the opposite side of the table. "You've had a busy day, or night as it were."

I walked over and sat down. "I had to apologize. Would have felt guilty if I didn't."

Celestia sat down slowly on her on chair. She sat on her haunches and rested her hooves between her back set. "Did you really have to go out the window?"

I shrugged. "Everyone would have made a big deal about it if I didn't."

Celestia laughed softly. "I suppose, but you could have asked me."

I took a deep breath. "I've got a lot to ask you anyways." I rubbed my face. "If you were gonna eat, eat, I'm not planning--"

Celestia shook her head. "I assumed you wouldn't. This is really just a formality." She levitated out a bottle. "Well, aside from this."

"Wine?" I rubbed my face. "I've never actually seen a bottle of wine that wasn't shattered. I also don't drink so...."

Celestia huffed. "Well I do. Are you going to complain if I do?"

"Go ahead. Just answer before you're too fucked up." I tapped my fingers on the table.

Celestia poured herself a drink. "I don't drink heavily. And you seem anxious, what's--"

I held my hand up. "If--if--you find me a way home, you can keep it open right? Like a door?"

Celestia nodded. "Yes. Anypony could travel back and forth so long as it's not broken."

I nodded. "Okay, okay." I sat back down. "Could I bring people over?"

Celestia cocked her head. "As in?"

"Refugees...." I didn't really want to hide it. "People to live and work here, to get away from all the fucked up shit back home."

Celestia swirled her glass with her magic. "Equestria is very vast, mostly uncolonized even after all this time, so I see no reason why not." She smiled. "Are you planning to stay?"

I bit my lips. "If I-- You asked to--"

"I asked if you were single, you said yes." Celestia took a quick drink. "We've been over this. I think you'd make a fine pony--person to spend time with."

"Why?" I held my hand out. "I just don't get it!"

Celestia set her glass down and nodded. "You're violent, yes, but you seem conflicted in your commitment to it." She smiled. "You've been in a position similar to me, and I believe in time you might learn even more."

"Because we're both killers. That's not--"

Celestia frowned suddenly and poured another drink. "Because we both regret the things we were forced to do." She looked at me and stared me dead on. "Because you and I, killers, don't relish in it. There is no joy in my wars, and I doubt there's much in yours." She set her drink down. "But I see you, trying to figure out what to make of yourself, and I understand." She huffed. "I was twenty when the war ended. I was twenty when I was in charge of a powerhouse nation barely sinking its roots into the soil. I understand what it's like to be lost, to be left on your own to figure out what you are." She cringed and turned to the window. "When you kill, do you laugh or cry? For a time I did both, and for a time I thought I would be a despot." She stared out into space. "I was alone, and it was because of commitment and help that I established a constitution, created a parliament, and ruled kindly."

"So what, you want to help me?"

Celestia nodded. "I do. But more than that, I think maybe you're somepony I can share with." She turned to me with a strange look, one of kindness but fatigue. "I've found myself with so many veterans in my life. Many are too old, too set in their ways to be changed. How old are you?"

I shook my head slowly. "I don't know. Young compared to the other vets."

"And, there are two kinds of people I can help." She took a sip and looked at me. "Those young and ready to learn, or those wizened and old enough to understand." She smiled at me. "I believe I can help you, and I believe you bring out something I haven't seen in ponies since the Saddle War." She laughed. "And I'm sorry to say, that was two-hundred years ago." She lowered her head. "Such a thing to complain about, no majors wars in two-hundred years and I'm complaining."

I sat down and rubbed my face. "And what if you find out you can't help me? What if you find out--"

"Then you can leave, or I can leave." She nodded. "Nothing is set that cannot be unset. And I'm not asking for your hoof, I'm asking to try."

I rubbed my nose. "And if it did work out? If I could go home, if I stayed with you...what then?"

Celestia hummed. "You had someone to look out for if I remember, and if they're anything like you, it will be interesting to say the least." She laughed and sat back. "I've had many, many children, adopted, blood born, offspring of my offspring, and I've enjoyed every single one."

"You'd help me, you'd help the people I bring over?"

Celestia closed her eyes and nodded. "In a heartbeat."

I took a deep breath. My skin flashed hot as I stood up. "You're asking to be there with me, to have me like a boyfriend or something?"

Celestia looked up at me. "I suppose that would be the easy way to put it. But I expect you to be a little more mentally engaged than a coltfriend."

"Then what do you expect me to say?" I walked around the side of the table to stand next to her. I stared eye to eye with her. For a few moments, lost in her eyes, I had nothing else to say. No amount of off putting anatomy, no amount of shape or form could have stopped me. "Celestia-" I reached out and slid my hands from her neck to her jaw. "-you're beautiful."

I leaned forward and kissed her. The first contact was awkward, but a shift from Celestia and a soft hum and I was checked out. She was Celestia, nothing else. An idea, a person, a human being locked inside a strange form. I pulled back from her. Celestia covered her mouth with a hoof. "Sorry, I shouldn't have pushed back--"

I shook my head and hopped in place. "Uh.... So, you licked me...right? So that's like--" I stepped forward and buried my face in her neck. Her hoof shot down and slammed into the chair as I pulled myself against her.

"Oh!" She lifted her head up and I huffed across her neck. "Able?"

"Shh." She leaned my forehead against her neck. "Uh...dirty talk or no?"

I felt a lump go down Celestia's throat as I rubbed her neck. "So you're going to go through with--"

"Dirty talk or no."

The room went quiet as she shifted under my hands. "...Yes."

I licked from her neck up to her jaw. "I'm going to fuck you until you can't walk." I kissed her jaw, making her shudder. "I'm going to fuck you until you scream my name." I bit her neck, mind lost in the huffs and breathy draws as Celestia tried not to show her excitement. "I'm gonna fucking bend you over this table right now--"

"Do it." Celestia rested her chin on my crown. Her voice had a significant tremble to it. "Five years since anypony has touched me." She cooed as I licked her jaw. "If you're--"

"Make you feel like a mare then." I let go and stepped back. "Uh...." I rubbed my face. "This...this is just getting the tension out, right?" I pointed at me then to her. "This is just clearing the air, right?"

"Able, stop trying to make excuses." Celestia poured herself a drink. "Tension, stress, date, or love, Able, just pick a reason." She slammed a drink and shook her head.

I felt my skin flush again, my arms grew hot as i stepped back. I kept running through my head, trying to figure out a reason to do this. I felt like I had to excuse myself somehow. "I-- I just--" My mind clocked over to my flustered response. "Fuck it."

I walked behind Celestia and got ready. I rubbed between her wings and got ready. "Celestia, don't move."

"I wasn't--"

I shoved her forward. Her forelegs slammed into the table as her back legs scrambled to get out under her. She let me press her against the table and quickly stabilized her hooves. The entire thing was horridly loud, filled with glassy pings and clangs as the plates jumped and Celestia's glass tipped over. Things went quiet as I looked down at her. Her tail was forced up, her ass and pussy sat right before me. I looked down at myself, sure enough I'd need something to stand on to make this how I wanted it. "Stay." I rubbed her back and stepped away. "I'll be back."

I hurried out into the hall. The box that was placed by the door would work well enough. I grabbed it and looked inside. A bunch of scrolls were sat inside. I pulled one out. "Dear Princess...dear princess...dear...." I deemed them repetitive and walked back into the room. Celestia watched me walk. "Face forward."

Celestia looked back. "Excuse--"

I dropped the box behind her and stepped up. I was just a bit over her, and it would work out great. I was just high enough to have good leverage over her. I took a deep breath and looked over her. "I said face forward." I pulled my hand up and licked the inside of my fingers. "Don't look back until I tell you to."

Celestia lowered her head and huffed. "I don't really understand what you're--" She pushed forward as I reached under her tail and ran my hand across her pussy. Her hips bumped the table and caused the glassware to rattle around again.

"I said face forward." i rubbed her back as the mare's back hoof shook violently as I slid my fingers up and down her slid. I dug my fingers into the fleshy warmth waiting past her lips. "Already?" I pulled my hand back and wiped it off on her flank. "What a god damn mess." I shoved her down and kept her against the table. "Regal and kind...but you start dripping when I push you dwon. I dug my fingertips in and hooked them against her pussy.

Celestia raised her hip and let out a soft mumble. Her tail swung to the side as I slid my fingertips in and out of her slowly. Each wet dig grew warmer and warmer. "What a shame, wish I had longer." I pulled my hand away and spread her lips. "Really want it, don't you--"

"Yes." Her voice was a tremble, her body shook, her pussy winked, and I just stood there with my hands spreading soft white mare.

I took a deep breath and undid my belt. I pulled myself free and lined myself up with her. I held her soft ass as I slid my tip across her, getting ready to head in. "God you're soft." I squeezed her flank between my fingers, the pillowy mess letting out a soft moan as her hooves slid across the table and knocked a metal tray to the floor. "Good reason there was no food, god damn mess." I took a deep breath and pressed myself against the base of her tail. "Mine now...perfect." Redirected myself and pressed forward.

The warm tender muscle greeted me with a wet slip. Celestia let out a long moan as I slowly dug myself into her hot body. I closed my eyes and focused on the wet slip inside her, parting her muscles, nestling deep in the smooth velvety hole. I let out a soft sigh as I drove forward, skewering Celestia until her head was raised in a loud howl. Her eyes were jammed shut, mouth hanging open as she moaned.

I didn't really pay attention. I was buried in a squishy mess, I was listening to the moans of a woman as I jammed myself inside her, I was happy. I let out a long sigh as I pulled back, slipping out of her and letting the warm stickiness cling between my shaft and her insides. "Jesus, you're so soft." I slid back in, letting the tickle run over my privates.

I pressed forward, slamming her against the table with a loud clink. I was going to break that glass. With myself properly set I planted my hands on her flanks and started to hurry. A low squelch came from the hot mess I was buried in. Each draw back and slam forward echoed the sticky slap and meaty slurp as I pistoned.

My lap grew wet as Celestia tightened up and laid against the table. "Harder?"

I huffed. "You want it harder?"

Celestia nodded, running her cheek across the bare wood table. "Yes please."

I flinched at her words and hurried up. Hot then cold, in then out. I let go, treating myself to a clean woman for the first time in a long time. Each wet slap and subtle moan made it all the better.

I moved a hand to the base of her back and grabbed her tail. Celestia went limp, leaving me to press her hard against the table and slam my cock into her. I buried in for a few seconds, letting the mare squeeze me, beg me to hurry. Each wink pulled her lips tight around my shaft. "Horny bitch."

I pulled back and out. Celestia gave me a sharp gasp as I moved my thumb to her ass. "Able--"

"Face forward." I used my other hand to guide myself towards her clit. It stayed wrapped up in her lips until I tapped it with my cock head. She jerked her hips up and flashed her button at me. "Cum...."

Celestia's hips jumped again as I prodded her clit. "More please....."

I moved my hand and kept her back pressed low. She couldn't move anymore, it was mine. I tickled her clit again, and again, each time getting a higher moan. Her clit was soaked, her lips refusing to stop moving as I tickled her. "Such a dirty mare, dirty mare gonna cum?"

I pressed my tip against her clit and refused to move it. I let her wink and twitch, all without moving from her button. Her voice peeked. Her breathing picked up from breathy moans to high pitches gasps. I pulled back and slid straight into her, burying myself to the hilt.

Celestia's voice cracked as she slammed her hooves into the table. The glass fell and shattered against the floor as she arched her back and squeezed my cock hard. "Rutting bull semen!" She dug her hooves into the table. "Fuck."

I pushed as hard as I could, the base of my cock squeezed to the breaking point. I slid out a final time, then straight back in. I pressed my hand flat against her warm back as I shot hot cum inside her. I let her squeeze and pull me, drawing it out, tickling me as it begged. "Oooh god." I closed my eyes and leaned forward. I let my cock rest inside her, not wanting to drip out onto the floor just yet.

Celestia was staring back at me, her mane mixed blue and pink, her lipstick smudged onto the table. "Able...it's warm."

I took a deep breath and stepped back off the box. The lewd shlick shattered the ambient noise and left me to shudder in the cold, spent, and tingly. "Oh Christ...." I rubbed my head. "I feel kinda lightheaded."

Celestia raised her hips and leaned back against the table. I could see a soft white drip of cum slowly leaving her, dripping down over her clit and off her body. I spread her lips, watching my cum sit inside her. "Jesus." I grabbed my head. "Good girl...." I rubbed her softly. "Good girl.... Good fillies...get carrots." I rubbed my eyes. "...What the fuck did I just say?"

Celestia groaned and went limp. "Tired...."

I sighed and looked towards Celestia's bed. "Well, guess I'm staying." I sat down and splayed out over the floor. "Eurgh...." I rubbed my eyes. "Do you ever feel like you've lost control of your life?"

Celestia flicked her tail, trailing a bit of cum from her dock to her pussy.

"Yeah...me too." I rubbed my forehead and huffed. "Worth it though."

Celestia sighed and stood up. She turned to me with a heavy wobble. "Able...can you get up?"

I shook my head. "Can't really feel my legs."

Celestia plopped down atop me, knocking my wind out for a second. "The floor works." She flattened out against me and closed her eyes. "You'd better stay...." She turned her head and licked from my collar to my jaw. "I don't date the non-loyal." She nuzzled my chin and tapped my jaw with her horn. "Goodnight Able."

I reached one arm up and put it on her side. "Goodnight Celestia.... And...thank you."

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