I stood, watching Celestia's student and her friends talking to Celestia. My eyes were locked on one, an orange one with a pale brown hat. I stayed behind a pillar, leaning, trying not to be noticed. "Really? Hanging about the walls like a creeper?" A rich voice came from behind me. I swung around to find Rarity standing before me. "Able, how are you?"

I looked at her over my shoulder. "Hey, I'm fucking great." I huffed angrily and went back to watching the orange one laugh. "Just...great."

Rarity walked up next to me and looked out at the herd talking to Celestia. "Who exactly are you glaring at?" She leaned forward. "I thought you were leaving us alone? Did you decide that sparing us your wrath was too much?"

I grunted. "I'm not glaring...." I chewed on my lip as the apples on the mare's flank bounced. "You're friends with them, who's who?"

Rarity hummed. "Well, you know me. Hostile first impressions aside. Yellow is Fluttershy, sweet mare, don't you dare yell at her-" She prodded me with a hoof, "-she doesn't deal well with aggression."

"Bitch, this isn't aggression. This is casual conver-fucking-sation." I frowned hard and shook my head. "Jesus, that was a stretch."

Rarity laughed. "Your macho attitude does really disarm who you are. All bluster not fight."

I lifted up my shirt and pointed out a few scars. "I just did all my fighting before now. Since I got here...been relaxing a lot more."

Rarity nodded. "Only took two months."

"Already?" I scratched my chin. "God...she was supposed to get me home soon--"

"Well, she is." Rarity poked my calf. "Half the reason we're here is to talk with Celestia about your little doorway."

I grunted. "Anyways...who's the one in the hat?"

"Who? Applejack?" Rarity pressed her hoof against her forehead. "Well, that's-- Have you been staring at her this whole time?"

I grunted. "Yeah...."

Rarity looked up at me. She cocked her head and frowned. "Are you embarrassed?"

I snorted. "No!"

Rarity scratched her head. "Able...aren't you and Celestia...an item?"

I gritted my teeth. "More or less. It's up to her." I rubbed my nose. "Look, the orange one...I like it okay, she's nice looking and I like her voice okay!? Fucking crucify me about it!"

Rarity puffed her cheeks out. "I'm telling...."

"Don't you fucking do it!" I reached out after her as she hurried off. "Rarity stop it!" I tried to grab her tail. She ducked down and kicked my in the shin. "You bitch!"

Rarity flicked her tail at me. "You're getting predictable." Her voice was high, like she was singing.

"I'll fucking kill you in your sleep!" I backed up behind the pillar. I stayed there plastered against a pillar as Rarity walked over to the throne. "Smarmy bitch...I swear to god." I looked out one of the massive stain glass windows. I needed to go home, I was oggling a horse, and I needed to go home.

A sharp cough caught my attention. "Able, can you come over here?" Celestia called me over, fluttering her pitch near the end of her words. "A little talk, that's all."

"God damn it." I walked over slowly. I made sure to drag my feet. "Look, Rarity is lying! She's making shit up to get back at me--"

Celestia shook her head as the ponies parted to give me space. "Oh? So you don't want to go camping?"

I cocked my head. "Camping?" I looked around the grand hall. The massive white room was echoy, but I had to have heard her right. "What, like tents and shit?"

Celestia nodded. "I thought it would be something you'd enjoy, and there's a perfect pony to go with right here."

"Aww yeah! It's been a long time since I--"

"Not you...." Celestia's voice was sharp. "Oh...that was rather mean." She covered her mouth with her hoof and pinkened up. "Sorry."

The walking pride parade held her mouth open. "I-- but-- I--"

Applejack took her hat off and coughed into it. "I think the princess here probably means me." She looked around her friends. Rarity was wearing a skirt, the purple one was far too well groomed, little miss pride rally was grumbling to herself, and the others were either backing away or agreeing with Applejack. "Just figuring." She looked up at me with a smile. "I ain't actually gone out this far north. Be fun if you're up for it."

I realized I was grabbing my shirt and stopped before I ripped it. "Look, I don't know what whitey told you, but--"

"Whitey!? Really?"

I turned to Rarity and held my hands out to her, both of them upright like I was about to chop someone's dome. "Shut up Rarity...just...I will hang you."

"No you won't!" Rarity rolled her eyes. "I guarantee you won't cause any actual harm to any--"

I cleared my throat. "I'll burn your fucking luggage."

Rarity puffed out her cheeks. She backed up a step and glared at me. "Animal...threatening me like that."

I shook my head and turned back to Applejack. "Look, it's not going to happen. I'd love to, but it wouldn't work out great."

Applejack shrugged. "Well, I'll be around for a while if ya change your mind."

I nodded and stepped back away from the group. "You guys figure out my way home...I'll be over there...doing something." I turned around and walked back to the pillar I was standing behind. The room echoed with the sound of hooves on stone. I ignored it and watched the sun slowly shine different angles of wonderous light through the stained glass.

Something tapped my shoulder. "Able, go camping."

I didn't turn around. "No...."

Celestia walked to my side. "Able, you're attracted to her?"

I huffed. "Look, just drop it. I'm fine."

Celestia hummed. "Would it make you feel better if I told you I spent the night with Fluttershy not that long ago? She's a sweet mare." Celestia laughed. "And if you need to clear the air around her, work out a little energy I'd--"

I turned around to face her. "You're telling me to go and...camp with the orange pony...."

Celestia smiled. "Well, I think it would be good for you. I have no doubt you'll come back, and I'm sure you'd have fun."

I felt my frown intensify. "Are you seriously telling me to go bang Applejack?"

Celestia frowned. "Well, not as vulgar as that. But I really do think spending the night with a mare like her would give you some perspective, and probably give you a reason not to be so vile."

I flinched. "Vile?"

Celestia coughed and nuzzled my head with her mouth. "Vile is a strong word I suppose." She rubbed her lips with a hoof. "At any rate, I'd prefer if you didn't have this become an elephant in the room." Celestia turned to face the door. "And I do think she's rather cute too. She has a soft face for doing so much labor."

I sighed loudly. "You're literally telling me to go cheat on you?"

Celestia cocked her head. "I wasn't aware we were married."

"What!?" I held my arms out. "It still counts if--"

"Able...go camping with her."

"You know what's gonna happen!"

"Able...."

"I'm just telling you--"

"Able please...just go."

"You're--"

Celestia raised a hoof and pressed it square against my nose. "Able, go camping with the Apple mare. Just go, and enjoy getting out of the castle for a little while."

I stayed there, with her hoof pressed against my face. I lowered my head and reached out. I put my arm around her neck and held myself against her for a short time. She was warm. "Fine...but you--"

"I know Able!" Celestia raised her voice. "Get it out of your system, go on, say it."

I stepped back and stared her in the eyes. "I...would like to fuck...the orange girl...."

Celestia nodded with a stern look on her face. "Then go--" She flinched, a wide smile flashing across her face before going back to the stern glare. "Go and--teeheeeh Oh dear." She rubbed her eyes. She started to laugh hard enough to tear up. "Oh dear, ooooh my.... That was...." She huffed and rubbed her face. "I'm sorry, I couldn't keep a straight face." She chuckled, her cheeks pink. "Oh dear. Enjoy your trip Able."

I just stood there, my hands in my pockets. "Fucking-- you didn't have to be an asshole about it."

Celestia caught her breath. "I'm sorry. Something about someone like you just saying that, it was so straight faced, and you meant it so sincerely." She dabbed her eyes with her fetlock. "The deadpan way you talk, I don't know many ponies that actually talk like that, but speak in your ways."

I shrugged. "Most of your subjects aren't evil."

Celestia scoffed. "You're not evil, you're just dumb."

I stared up at her. "You know...I love you and all. You're my best friend, and I really care about you. But fuck you man...woman, horse." I crossed my arms. "God, that was fucking mean."

"Well? I learned from you."

I poked her chest. "Damn right!"

Celestia smiled. "Well, if you're going to be away, and my student will be staying...I think I might invite little Fluttershy over again." Her tail popped up. "If that doesn't--"

"We're both going for one night stands...aren't we?" I pointed between us. "This is-- god damn." I bit my lip. "Celestia, do you love me?"

Celestia frowned. "I do. Why?"

I shook my head. "So we're just-- Like...what am I to you? Like some--"

"Able, go camp."

I sighed loudly. "Fine. I didn't want to--"

Celestia hooked her hoof around my back and pulled me against her. She nuzzled the side of my head. "Oh shut up." She nuzzled my ear with her cheek. "You're so anxious." She let go and stepped back. "There should be a tent in the guard barracks, go grab two and I'll send somepony to help you find a trail."

I scratched my head. "So, this is an actual camping trip...isn't it?"

Celestia nodded. "Yes. Oh, and if you lay down the Apple mare someplace nice, mark it down. Camping sounds nice, and you seem like the kind of person that would enjoy it."

I opened my mouth. Dead air drifted out before I shut up and walked down the hall. She'd just told me to find a spot to have sex with her later, and I couldn't think of any sort of retort or response. My stomach grumbled as I walked towards the way Applejack had gone. "God she's weird." I scratched my head as I stepped out into the entry. "Freaks flock together I suppose." I looked down at myself. "Something like that."