Warning: This chapter will include content of disgusting nature. Read it anyway.

Have you ever been in a situation that you just wish that you could forget about? Now add that to the fact that the situation keeps replaying in your mind over and over and over again. A situation so embarrassing that you reflexively clench your fists or toes as you thought more on it?

Just me?

Well, after a month of being in this magical land of talking, prismatic equines, aptly called Equestria, I've ran into some of those moments. Where do I even start? Here's one, the first time I actually managed to take a tour of the town.

---

My first week of being in this strange land, I decided that it would be best for me to lock myself in the room I found myself in when I first met everyone, or everypony as they would prefer. I was so enraptured by the fact that I was the furthest thing from home that I had forgotten the basic things needed for survival, with the exception of sleep and using the bathroom. As for the bathroom, I will say it later.

So a week after my barricading the doors shut and keeping the windows barred, a pink earth pony (yeah, I was informed of the different types by then) decided that my social life was in need of a turn up. And of course, I instantly shot that down. The next day, she came with two of her friends, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash to help get me out of the room. Much to their dismay, I was insistent to keep myself to myself. And finally, the day after that, Princess Twilight knocked on my door.

I let her come in and we decided to exchange some personal stories about ourselves. It turns out back then that she wasn't really the social acolyte she is now. She was awkward and often locked up inside of her room, reading all kinds of books to herself. I could sympathize with her on wanting to withdraw from the societal norms and the desire to be of the 'in-crowd'.

Though the only difference was that I had an internet connection that furthered my distraction. I remember a certain video where there were two guys saying what they were going to do. One guy stated that he was going to do an 'internet', which was followed by a flash of rainbow light and 8-bit music. The other guy stated that he was going to do a book, which did absolutely nothing. Same case here.

With a book, you can read all the pages and be done with it by the end of the day. With a computer, you'd find yourself on so many sites where one page leads to another, to another, to another, to another. It was an endless cycle, at least until the power went out or the internet connection went bad. Either way, I was religiously browsing on it for whatever, be it comedy, abridged series of my favorite shows, memes, YouTube comments or porn. So... much... porn. I mean, you can read porn, but who wants to do that when you can just watch it?

And just like I'd have to delete my browser history and defragment my hard drive, I needed to get back on focus.

That story short, she had ultimately informed me that she would be taking me out on a day to tour the town. And despite my outward cries of objection, she dragged me with her magic out of the bed and into the streets. Of course, she also managed to introduce me to a few ponies she knew or would associate with from time to time. Then she took me to Rarity's to have some more clothes made for me.

Yeah, the first time isn't nowhere near a charm, even for a trend-setting fashionista. The first 'shirt' was still made for a pony with a few mis-cuts here and there. My first pair of pants were unable to hold under pressure, so as I walked down the streets with the princess, I was already being mocked for my appearance. It didn't help me any when the sound similar to velcro ripping apart screeched in my ears as the pants fell hopelessly to the ground.

I have never felt so exposed in my entire life.

The rest of the day, I had to walk around the town like a hairless ape because my pants were ripped and my shirt couldn't hold itself together. I know that Twilight felt genuinely sorry for me, but I just wanted to leave this world and go home. I couldn't stand being in a place where I couldn't even have some dignity while walking down the street. Yes, the ponies here are walking around naked, but they're used to seeing each other like this.

Humanity is a totally different ball game.

By the time I managed to get back into my room, I had actually slammed the door in the princess' face. I couldn't bear to look at her as my cheeks changed to a deep crimson. After I managed to escape my unfortunate hell, I continued to lock myself in the room and keep myself there until further notice. And every so often, the princess would talk to me through the door.

---

A few days after that, I walked out of my room to take a shower. And as soon as I step out from cleansing myself, I find a pink pony bouncing up and down as she happily threw streamers and confetti everywhere. I knew that she was often referred to as the premier party planner of Ponyville (hooray for alliteration), but I didn't expect for the party to show up outside of my bathroom. Seriously, I clenched the towel around myself in earnest desire to keep my boys hidden from view.

But that didn't seem to distract from the fact that she giggled over how freely they swayed as I tried to turn away from her. She even had the guts to call them cute.

So after that embarrassing event, she invited me to a party, held in my honor. I was flattered, but more intrigued on why she would waste such valuable resources on throwing a full-on party bash for me when she didn't even know me. It would be held a month or two down the line, thanks to my expertise in the art of negotiation.

I'm lying. That party was going to be held sometime that afternoon. The argument I tried to place out wasn't getting through to her. And our conversation was more of a battle of attrition on my part.

"Pinkie Pie-"

"Just call me Pinkie, silly filly!"

"Okay. Pinkie, I really appreciate that you are throwing me this party. Really, I do. But can we do it sometime within two months of me being here? I really feel as if I should get used to the town and the peo... *ahem* ...ponies around it."

"Oh Non-non," She already gave me a nickname. "This party will be the quickest way you can get to know everypony. Everypony loves to party with Pinkie Pie!"

I can tell. Free food, free drinks, free music, free fun. It's like a smorgasbord for moochers. I'd know because I was the prime example of such. "You think so?" I asked.

"I know so!" She cheered. "In fact, why not get to know everypony and the entire town today!?"

I felt myself wanting to be a turtle at this point. At least I could hide inside of a shell when I didn't want to be disturbed. To hell with that. "T-t-today?"

I could see the concern growing on Pinkie's face as soon as I stuttered the word. Her smile faded to a small frown. "What's wrong, Nonny? I thought you'd like to get to know everypony."

"I do." I didn't. "It's just that I really wanted to do it at my own pace." I lied. Realistically, I held off on getting to know anyone because I was still waiting for the other three princesses to inform me when I could go back home. At least there, I was familiar with everything and the systems of society. At least I could change out of the same pair of jeans and t-shirt that I've been stuck with for the past week and some change.

"But everypony really wants to get to know you too." So let me guess, you were selling tickets of admission? "I told everypony about you! And they were really looking forward to meeting you!"

"What did you tell them?" I questioned her. I was expecting some sort of carnival pitch at this point. Would it be wrong that I could already hear the the circus organ playing in the distance as the little children ran up to me, poking me with their hooves.

"I told them that you were a really warmhearted guy! Like reeeeeally huggy and that you were really nice and kind, though you were a bit shy." That couldn't be it. That couldn't be the big sell. "And that you also give some of the best belly-rubs in all of Equestria!"

I only rubbed her belly once. She kept begging me to do it for three hours straight and I finally caved. Apparently before that, Twilight informed Pinkie of the intricate nuances of having fingers and their effects on the natural distribution of belly rubs. And being that everyone in town liked Spike for being a pretty decent back scratcher, I guess everyone has a thing for the digits. The fingers I mean. But I rubbed her belly for about thirty seconds and she was kicking her leg like a dog when you hit that certain spot that they like.

If there was anything to get me out of this, it would be me trying to get this party set up for a later date. At least the crowd would forget about my abilities with my fingers. I also hoped that some mares wouldn't take anything out of context.

"Okay, we can have the party, but it can't be no earlier than-"

"This afternoon?" She finished before I could get my demands out in the air.

"No. I meant two months down the line."

"Two o'clock this afternoon? That's a bit last minute, don't you think?"

YOU'RE ONE TO TALK! "No I mean't two-"

"Hours from now?"

Okay, this is getting ridiculous. "Four weeks."

"Today at four?"

"Three weeks."

"A three minute party... I don't know if I'm ready for that just yet."

What are you implying? Nevermind, I don't wanna know. "Two weeks."

"Aww, but I have to babysit the twins in two weeks."

I cannot take this girl seriously. "Next week."

"I'm throwing a party for my sister Maud next week. I can't do that one."

Oh for the love of- "Five days."

"Shopping for party supplies."

"Four days."

"I have to work."

Where the hell do you work? A power plant or a sugar factory? Don't tell me, you do both. "Three days."

"I have to take care of the twins that day."

At least she's organized enough to plan ahead. I will give her that. "Two days."

"Friendship meeting and work."

The fuck's a friendship meeting? Is it like alcoholics anonymous, but for sugar intake? "Tomorrow."

"I can't. I promised Applejack that I'd help her on the farm."

Damn this girl for keeping herself busy. I give up. "Tonight?"

"Sure! I can set you up for seven tonight! See you there!"

I coughed as I reached for her, but she just kept bouncing off like an overloaded pogo stick. She giggled and snorted as she gleefully galloped down the hall, leaving a mortified human to wonder what he should do next now that he'd be the center of attention for the first time of his life. I'm popular just for showing up and now I didn't know how to take it.

Then again, I wasn't really the one for attention.

---

Later that night, I was pretty much the elephant in the room. Not even the zebra on the other side of the room or the eldritch abomination that had the body parts of several animals could point at themselves because of me. I was more than nervous, I was nauseous.

Mulit-colored faces stared at me with large eyes struck in awe as Pinkie Pie introduced me to the entire town. The mayor even welcomed me with a ceremonial sash, that fitted me rather well actually. Soon after, I was reintroduced to Rarity, who looked like she had been through hell to get here. But her reason for looking so outlandish was because she stayed up all night to make sure that the anatomical features of her newest outfits for me were in accordance to Twilight's notes.

At least I wasn't confined to the same shirt and pants anymore.

"Darling, I couldn't just let you roam around in those clothes anymore. And I didn't want that dreaded wardrobe malfunction you suffered the first time you had an outing to happen again. So this time, I made you a little something special." She said as she pulled out a black box with her emblem, or as they say cutie mark, on it: three blue diamonds clustered together.

I opened the box to see a white button-down shirt with long sleaves, complete with a set of decorative cuffs. Also inside of the box as a pair of black slacks. Though they were a little loose, the shirt and pants were really a nice fit. It was a relief to wear something outside of my burnt orange t-shirt with the Longhorns emblem on it and my old, worn-out jeans. I swore I spent the next five minutes thanking her for what she did. And shortly after I changed into my new clothes, they asked me to do a speech.

My speech consisted of one word, one buckling motion and one pile of vomit on the floor.

Shortly after that, I had to take off my new outfit so that Rarity could wash them up. So I changed back into my old clothes and spent the next five minutes apologizing to Rarity about the mess I made in my new clothes.

I swear, Spike really let me have it as I was apologizing.

---

Three more weeks after the party, I was notified by the four princesses that their attempt to alter the mirror had been unsuccessful. If it had taken a full month to get a formula wrong, then that meant that I would be here for at least another month or so for them to get it right. So imagine my surprise when they told me that they had to construct a brand new mirror so that they could send me home. They informed me that the average building time for one mirror was practically seven or more months due to mathematical reasons.

I already hated being trapped here, why am I spending another seven months here? Not my place to complain, but I am in a bit of a rush...

Why am I in such a rush anyways? I can't seem to remember.

Anyways, a new month had arrived on schedule. And as the time marched on, I was constantly reminded of what made me so different from everyone else here. This wasn't my place to be. I didn't belong here. I know I sound like I'm complaining a lot but I haven't eaten any meat since I first arrived here. I was tired of living off of straw and hay like I was some sort of animal. I ate nothing but horse-imitations of food.

Hayburgers, hay fries, hay bacon strips, all that other stuff. After a while, I just informed Princess Twilight that if I was going out, then a salad would be all I order. Either that or a large pizza with no oats or hay on my side.

Yeah, so me and Twilight decided that our outings would be a little more frequent. Being that I had more clothes in my closet, thanks to Rarity, I figured the best thing I could do is oblige the princess in her daily visits to random venues across the town. One such place was the Hayburger Inn just across town. Luckily, she could fly there while I had to walk. But she decided that she would walk with me, saying that it would be unfair that she'd leave a friend behind.

No complaints there.

Another thing I managed to discover about the young princess. She had one hell of an appetite. I couldn't even focus on the salad on the table because I was so mesmerized by the purple winged-unicorn scarfing down five burgers, three sides of fries and guzzling down a large soda. I asked her why she didn't opt for a diet drink. Her response was rather lengthy and exhausting, filled with a bunch of science stuff that I had no interest in. In a nutshell, diet soda was worse than the real stuff.

I just stared at the mare across from me as she greedily scarfed down numerous bites of her meal. If this was the real world, I'd feel entirely sorry for the cow that died to feed her. I'd also envy the rancher, knowing that his produce is being devoured at such a blinding speed. He'd be rich by now. In speaking of burgers.

"Oh yeah... Now I remember. You humans are actually omnivores."

I raised my head in curiosity over her extensive knowledge of the human diet. I quickly motioned my hand to her to keep it down, so that the other ponies around wouldn't know what the other half of my diet really was. I didn't need to cause a panic.

"You know, if you really want something like that, you could just ask me." Twilight quietly noted before levitating, that's what they call it, a set of fries to her mouth.

I was floored. To know that this princess was more than willing to negotiate with me to get a steak or two. I know that I shouldn't eat meat around equines, but who the hell cares? I wanted some meat inside of me and I didn't care how I was going to get it. "Really?"

"Well..." she briefly paused, thinking before continuing on. "Yeah. The other princesses have been made aware of your dietary needs, just so that they can accommodate you on your next visit." Great so now the high rulers of the land know I eat meat. That won't pan over so well come the next meeting. "However, there are strict limitations on what you can and cannot eat."

I sighed heavily, realizing that beef may be off the menu. "Okay, go for it."

"I'm afraid that you are unable to eat any sort of pork, beef, lamb, buffalo, ostrich or rabbit." Yup, my choices are narrow as hell. "But your diet can consist of any sort of poultry or fish."

I guess chicken is up for grabs then. "Great, so can I get actual french fries?"

She hummed as she held a hoof to her chin. "Um... depending on what those would be made of."

"Potatoes." I deadpanned.

"Then yes, those should be fine. I'll have that as a special order when you come by here."

Score one for me. "Great, then can I get those to go? I would really like a taste of home before we head back."

Twilight dropped her head. "Sorry. We can't get any of those today. I'd have to request that some potatoes would be brought in."

I shrugged my shoulders in defeat. "So I guess I'm stuck on salad until further notice?"

"Just for a little while. But in the meantime, We can head out to Sugarcube Corner for some petifores."

"Those sound nice right about now." I answered happily. But my happiness soon turned to concern as my bowels started to notify me that it was time to rid myself of some bodily waste. "But not right now..." I laughed nervously. "I need to take care of some business."

"What kind of business?" I can't believe she just asked me that so openly.

"Um... I need to go to the little boys room."

"Oh..." A long silence followed her confirmation as I looked away from her in embarrassment. As she sat at the table, I was too busy trying to search for the bathroom. As I shifted my eyes back and forth, Twilight cleared her throat to get my attention.

"Um... it's over there." She quietly pointed out directly behind me.

I nodded as I made a hurried walk for the hallway. When I entered, I found myself at the center of two doors. Of course, I would normally go to the one that said 'men'. But in this case, there was no sign. There wasn't even the little emblem that had the guy standing normally or the girl with the skirt. There was just two doors, one with a pegasus on one side and another with a unicorn. If I was to guess, I would say that the one with the unicorn was for girls and the one with the pegasus was for guys. Only one problem with that theory: horns and wings were genderblind.

I looked back and forth to the two doors, dancing in place as I felt myself getting close to launch. But as of now, I didn't know where exactly my rocket could take off. I squealed like a pig as I continued to hobble from leg to leg, trying my best to hold it all in. In reality, I was hoping that there was someone in one of these bathrooms already, that they could make their way out so I could tell which was the right bathroom. And to my added misfortune, no one was in either bathroom.

While I continued to curse my luck, I heard a set of hooves come from behind me. I had no time to focus on who was approaching. I needed to make a decision, and I needed to make it now. Looking over to the door with the pegasus emblem, I took a deep breath and slowly walked over. I clenched my eyes shut as I slowly reached out for the handle, only to find something tugging at my shirt.

"Um..." I turned around to see what was tugging at me. To my surprise, it was none other than Twilight. "I think you may want to go to the one over there." She pointed to the door facing the opposite way of where I was headed. "This is the filly's room."

"What?" I tilted my head with bewilderment as she rolled her eyes and pointed out a few features that I should look out for.

"Look at the muzzle, if you see that it's rounded off, then it would be for a mare and if it's blocky, then it would belong to a stallion."

Somehow, I thought she would tell me this prior to my coming here. But I was NOT going to argue with her. I needed to drop this load, and I needed to do it now. Making a mad dash for the opposite side of the hall, I disappeared into the men's bathroom.

I immediately took to the largest stall, sat on the toilet and handled my business. As I finished delivering the package, I looked over to see that there was no sign of toilet paper.

Dammit.

But luckily, another stallion came into the restroom. As I sat at the toilet, thanking fate for it's fortune, I heard the stallion walk up to my stall. He pulled on the door, realizing that it was locked. "Taken." I sounded out.

"Arrgh! For the love of all things, I cannot stand being in these small stalls." The stallion sounded out. From what I heard, he sounded like he was some sort of announcer for the circus. And judging from the hooves in front of my door, I'd say that he was a heavy-set fellow. No wonder why he wanted this stall in particular.

As he nearly broke down the door to the stall next to mine, I cringed as I hoped that he'd be taking care of business, in a liquid form. In a fraction of a second, I heard him lift the lid on the toilet, sit himself down and sigh.

"Maybe he sits and pees." I noted to myself, trying to be optimistic.

What I heard was a completely different affair.

A series of grunts as well as other sounds that I shudder at the though of remembering trumpeted throughout the bathroom as the guy next to me struggled to contain his cries of relief.

"Oooohboy! Have ya tried any of the new chili cheese hayburgers with the extra jalapeños? Things are to die for."

"I know one thing that's already dead: the thing you just ate." I mumbled as I tried my best to hold my breath. If there was a reason why the 'gas-chamber' method of execution was discontinued back in The States, this guy's picture would be sitting right next to Adolf Hitler. While he continued to grunt and I continue to hear the ploshing of toilet water, I tried to speak into my shirt so that I didn't taste what this dude was unleashing. "Excuse me, sir?" Oh God, I could taste it even in my shirt. "Do you happen to have some toilet paper in there?"

I heard some movement, though I felt myself sink further into despair as I heard him groan. "Sorry laddie, I have no paper to give ya."

God, if you exist, if this is the exact retribution you had for me since I denounced my beliefs in a higher power, if this is the punishment for the blasphemous sin of my unbelief in you, then I have a few questions to ask. Does this please you? Does this hell I suffer give you a laugh? Are you content with the pain that I now endure? Are you not entertained by my suffering? Or is this just the beginning? I can only assume you're just laughing it up right about now.

Oh God, why? I can taste the smell.

While I find myself on the verge of vomiting, I hear yet another stallion walk into the restroom. As he entered, I heard him speak. "Yesh! What died in here!?"

I'm close to it, if that counts.

As his hooves clop to the nearest available stall, I can still hear the lava spewing out like a running faucet next door. Meanwhile, the fat guy is sitting here, making fun of him. "Hey boy, this is how a real stallion smells like!"

"I didn't think I'd need to wear my armor for this." He mumbled out. I suppressed a chuckle out of fear of me tasting and smelling the putrid air of this guy's exorcism. At this rate, we'd need a priest to cast out whatever demons this guy had because it smelled like the devil's unwashed testicles. I could only assume that our recently acquired party member was only going number one.

"Hey you!" I shouted out of a last resort, hoping that I could get some toilet paper before I'd sit here and started crusting. "Do you have any toilet paper?"

As soon as I heard the toilet flush on the far end, I knew that hope would come. "Nope, none in this one." And you've dashed them quite effortlessly, sir. Well done.

I heard him approach the sink to wash himself, pull out a few paper towels to dry and see the white hooves with blue, unshorn fetlocks stand before my door. Immediately, I saw it like an angel descending from heaven. A magenta aura surrounded the stack of paper towels that fell upon my lap like a divine gift from God.

"I'd figure you needed these."

I called out to thank him, bout found that he had already left. With eager ambition, I wiped myself clean of my sin and flushed my transgressions against humanity down the porcelain drain. Making a dash for the sink, I knew that my cries for freedom were answered. Finally wiping my hands, I walked over to the middle stall with a pinched nose, handing a large stack of paper towels to the one who was still wallowing in his cesspool of sewage.

"Here you go." I said as I quickly dropped the small care package and ran for the door.

At last I was finally in the free air. I took deep breaths, taking in the freshness of the restaurant. And I had that mysterious guard to thank, my knight in shining armor.

"Twily!" Someone yelled out unexpectedly.

"Shining Armor! BBBFF! How's it going?"

I instantly turned around to see Twilight standing next to the guard with the white coat and the blue unshorn fetlocks. I instantly ran over to bow before him with tears in my eyes. "MY UNDYING SAVIOR!"

As I bowed before him, Twilight giggled as the stallion looked at me with confusion. "Uh, Twily, who and what is this?"

Twilight levitated me off the ground as she introduced the two of us. "Oh, Shining Armor, this is Nondis. He's the human that Cadance and I've been telling you about."

Shining looked at me, seeming rather unimpressed. "Huh, that so?"

"Nondis, this is my older brother, Shining Armor. He's Captain of the Royal Guard and prince of the Crystal Empire."

I gawked at Twilight's introduction. Not at the Crystal Empire or the Captain of the Royal Guard part, but at the fact that this girl had a brother. Either way, I was going to be metaphorically kissing his ass for a while. "Thank you. Oh thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou!"

Twilight blinked and tilted her head with unsureness, looking to her older brother. "Care to explain?"

"There was a stallion in there unleashing hell and he was caught in the crossfire. No toilet paper."

I heard the princess snort as she tried her damnest to hold back her laughter. And almost instantly, I felt myself shrink an entire three feet as she broke out laughing on the floor.

After that little run in, Shining Armor, Twilight and I spent the rest of the day walking around the town. Of course, we vowed to never, under any circumstances, to talk about what happened in the restroom again.

NEVER... AGAIN...

---

Have you ever been in a situation that you just wish that you could forget about? Now add that to the fact that the situation keeps replaying in your mind over and over and over again. A situation so embarrassing that you reflexively clench your fists or toes as you thought more on it? Well, after a month of being in this magical land of talking, prismatic equines, aptly called Equestria, I've ran into some of those moments. And judging from the reaction on your faces, I can say that sharing this was really all the more awkward. But sometimes, it's better to get it out in the open. Sometimes, your story can be a bit of an ice-breaker. Sometimes, you need to look back and laugh at some of those moments.

Like that one time Twilight got drunk at a party.

Next Chapter: Chapter III Estimated time remaining: 148 Hours, 25 Minutes