"Oi, wake up.Oi...get the buck up." I felt something blow past my sleeping face, "Oi, dumb ass, wake up!"

I grumbled as I took my waking glance around the room. The darkness of the night still stuck to the walls. "What the hell?" I turned to find a pair of bright orange eyes staring at me, "What's up?"

Cosmic flicked her ears, "Dust's gotta go outside, go help!"

I scratched my head and swung my legs off my bed. "What...why?"

Cosmic contorted her face, refusing to make eye contact, "I gotta take a damn piss, lad."

I glared at her, "Then use the damn toilet! Why do you need me!?" I picked up Cosmic, resting my fingers on her flat neck, "Do you need me to wipe too?!"

"The bloody buck you mean wipe!?"

I let out a tired groan as I looked at the clock. Five am. Too early to do anything, and too late to go back to sleep. "Great...well today's gonna be fantastic."

"Oi, don't you start! Bad enough I wake up in the bloody dark too! Usually she just takes care of it!" I felt Cosmic slap her ears against my forearm.

"Alright...what's up with that?" I turned her around to face me as I walked into the hall, finding Dust prancing around. "You keep making your ears freak out."

She did it again, pointing her ears to the side. "It's about all I can control, I got good at it."

"Oi, I said don't start!" She yelped, blowing a sickening waft of her breath over me.

"Christ alive!" I tucked her under my arm and led the two halves to my bathroom. "She- urk-- She know how to use a toilet?"

Dust answered my question, jumping up and taking a seat. Cosmic slapped her ears across my arms once again, "OI, the heck, uurk, mean!?"

I shook my head and pulled my medicine cabinet open. "Means your breath smells like rotten kale. I think I have an extra toothbrush here somewhere."

"You're a weirdie.Ya ain't even a little freak out by this!?"

I found the extra brush and got things ready. "I gave up on being freaked out when I saw one of you fly." I walked to my kitchen, putting Cosmic on the edge and tossing the toothpaste into the basin, "Open up."

Cosmic looked at the brush with distrust, "I don't wanna."

I let out a flustered sigh, "It's freaking toothpaste."

She just glared at me. "Right...so...this weirdo, human, monkey, thing, plucks me out of the woods, doing Star Swirl knows what with my lower half. Now maybe you can understand my apprehension."

I stared at the mare's head. "...Say apprehension again."

Cosmic squinted and looked me over, "You some kinda per--" I cut her off, holding her head down and stuffing the toothbrush into her mouth. She gagged and swore as I forcibly brushed her teeth, "Oi, ya-- Bugger-- Augh!"

"Just- stop biting it!" I pulled her lips up and cleaned her mouth. "Let me help you!"

She slowly calmed down, Dust coming in and watching as I cleaned off Cosmic's rancid mouth. "See...it's not that bad!" She grumbled angrily as I finished up. I found a cup and gave her some water. "There...so much better, right?"

Cosmic just spit, dribbling down her chin, "Wanker...."

I just stared at her, a slightly angry expression plastered against my face, "Why ya gotta say that? Let me help you." I grabbed her head and carried her into my sitting room, "Love me..."

Cosmic grumbled angrily, "The buck you on about!?"

I sat down, putting her head on my lap as Dust wandered around my house, "I've done nothing but help you.... Why do you hate me so much!?"

Cosmic settled into my lap. "Because, ain't a pony alive that would do this for not reason!"

I scratched my head, laying down and setting her on my chest. "But I'm not a pony.... And plus, having a headless sidekick and an adorable filly brained headless mare is fun too."

She just stared me in the eyes, "The buck I'm your sidekick...."

I scratched her ears, making her tighten up to avoid showing any emotion, "Well I can't be your sidekick, ya' ain't got no body!"

Dust popped out of nowhere, nuzzling me with her stump. "Aww...you like this?" I asked, rubbing Cosmic's head a little harder. She let out an involuntary coo, quickly popping her eyes open.

"The buck was that!?"

I let out a short laugh as Dust wedged her neck between my arm and my chest. "It's okay to like things you know." I scratched Dust's neck, keeping my right hand scratching the base of Cosmic's ear. "I. Am. Your. Friend."

Cosmic just stared at me, anger brimming behind her bright orange eyes, "You're a weirdo!"

I grabbed the tip of her ear, "You've got no body! You don't really have the authority to call me weird!"

"That's why you're a weirdo! I don't get it! Are ya-- you been staring at my backside!? Ya some kinda pervert!?" She leaned forward, narrowing her eyes, "What's your game...?"

I shrugged. "I could use the company? And it's pretty neat!" I sat upright, guiding Dust next to me. She laid her neck across my lap and curled up. "Look at this! She loves me!"

"She's an idiot! She's not the brightest--"

"Check yourself!" I stopped her, setting her down in my lap, facing my TV. "She ran up to me, kicking and stomping, what's up with that?"

Cosmic flattened out her ears, "...Ponies always ran. No one ever helped.... So...I figured I'd be safer if everypony stayed away." Her voice slowly turned more and more shattered, "...Then...like it doesn't even matter...you just stroll up and take me away."

I pulled my hands away from her, "Uh...are you...gonna be okay?"

I heard her take a shaky breath. "...I don't bloody know what to do with myself...." She looked down at my knees, "...Why are you the only one who came?"

I felt horribly awkward as she started crying in my lap. "Um...so...breakfast?"

Cosmic took a deep breath, "Aye...."

I picked her up, leaving Dust resting on my couch, "You want some juice...?"

Cosmic sniffled as I held her against my chest, "Apples...."

"Alright. Let's go get some apple juice." I carried her into my kitchen, setting her down on my table and finding a juice box for her.

She refused to look at me as I set it down before her, "...Don't tell anypony.... Soldiers don't cry...."

I sat down on her end of the table and ran my hand over her mane, "...Sure. But for now...just chill out."

Things grew calm as the sound of slurping filled the air. "...You're alright for a monkey...."

I dug my fingers into her mane, "And you're alright for a foulmouthed Angle."

The slurping stopped for a moment, "The buck is a Angle?"

I let out a short sigh. "...Mom was right.... Roman history was a poor minor." I stood up and went to the fridge, grabbing a few leftover bits of chicken and throwing them in the microwave. "...So...no one, no one tried to find you?"

Cosmic just locked her vision on the juice box. "Not right now, just...I don't want to talk about it.... You got more?"

I grabbed another juice box and waited for my food to be done. "Traditional breakfast be damned." I set the juice before her, getting an scrunched muzzle in return, "What now?"

She looked up at me with an angry expression, "The buck ya eatin?!"

"Chicken...."

"Ya eating meat?"

I scratched my head, "Is that an issue?"

She just glared at me, "Ya eat pony?"

"Eugh, no. That sound awful." I tossed a piece of chicken into my mouth, "That would taste terrible."

Cosmic flicked her ears against her head, "Right.... Well...just...gotta watch ya."

I finished up my modest meal just as a loud knocking came from my door. "This might be a little forward, but there's only one way I would eat a mare like you."

Cosmic just cocked her head, "The buck that mean?"

I scoffed and slapped a piece of bread down before her face, "Think about it."

She scanned the bread, eyes darting back and forth. She stopped suddenly, starting to grow a little red. "Oi!"

I left her, heading to the front door as the knocking grew louder. "Hold on! Just wait!" I ran over, flinging the door open and revealing the mayor's aid. "Oh, hi again."

The mare turned to me, nodding slightly, "Yes, indeed. Now...I understand you...found something. We're going to need to confiscate--" She stopped dead as Dust walked over, peeking out the door, "Oh my...."

I scratched my chin, "Confiscate? Do you have a warrant?"

The mare gave me an incredulous look. "Are you going to make this--"

"Look...you're not my boss. If you want I can give that flashlight back, but you're not about to take my friend away!"

Dust nuzzled my thigh at the word, friend.

"Exactly! Now I suggest you leave before I call the guard."

The aid froze, "Call the guard, on me!? You're insane!"

I nodded, petting Dust's stump, "You're disturbing a private residence, at the crack of dawn, for no good reason. That sounds like trespassing to me!"

"Are you--"

"Royal lieutenant Vine Sander, my sister in law. Guard's pegasus Ether, my good friend from Canterlot. Ambling Star, Canterlot noble I tutored." I nodded dutifully, "I might not have much down here in Ponyville, but you do not want to screw with a man who's owed a few favors."

The aid just froze. "...You're bluffing--"

"Am I? I might not have a job right now, but once the damn school's expanded, I'm in." I pushed Dust back inside and slowly closed the door. "Don't cross me...and don't tell me what I have to do." I made sure to lock the door. "Rude...."

I lead Dust back into the living room, putting on the TV and parking her before it. "...Can you...." I snapped my fingers, catching her attention. "...That doesn't make sense....but okay!" She slowly settled in as an early morning cartoon came on.

I left her, checking on Cosmic. "...You're a damn pervert...." She stated, crumbs stuck to her face, "Bloody, eating."

I shrugged and sat down. "You've got a nice flank, what do you want me to say?" I snickered to myself, "Too bad it's not attached to the rest of ya'."

She just made a sour face. "...You're not funny...."

"And you roll your Rs." I stood up and went to my fridge. "Eggs?"

She just hardened her look. "Gonna throw it on some bloody toast or what?"

I frowned as I pulled a few eggs out. "Why can you not just say, sure, eggs would be great! It's always bloody something, bloody eggs...bloody toast...bloody...blood."

Cosmic rolled her eyes, "Can I please have some toast?"

I threw my hands out, "That's all it takes my decapitated friend!"

"Good...ya bloody pillock."