I snapped awake to a loud crash. "What the hell!?" I jumped off the bed, finding the headless gone. "Oh god--" I was cut off by a loud shattering bang. "God damn it!"

I grabbed a pair of shoes and a hoodie, ran down the stairs and looked around the room. My living room was fine, a table bumped, but other than that it was fine. Another loud clatter rang out from my kitchen. I ran over the the archway, swinging myself inside and finding the headless tearing apart my fridge. "Oi! The hell are you doing!?"

The headless froze, turning to me and running over. She pranced about like mad, running in a circle around me. "Okay...I can't help you if you don't tell me what's up!"

The mare stopped, doing a doughnut in front of me. She stopped, grabbing my hand with her hooves. She rolled onto her back, taking my hand along for the ride and forcing me to my knee. "Hey- I--" I stopped dead as she jammed my hand against her stomach.

I felt a rumble, quickly followed by a strange gurgle. "What the-" I leaned my head down, making the mare jump as my ear made contact. "Huuuuuurgghhh"

I jumped upright, looking down at the headless grey mare. "Wait- you're-- But how do you eat!?"

The mare rolled onto her front, and started prancing about. She turned to my cabinets and started tearing them apart. I just watched as she ripped box after box of food out and onto the floor.

"...Looking for food?" I asked, walking over and picking up a box of cereal. "How much?"

The mare tapped her hooves nervously on the floor. She reared up, holding her legs out wide.

"...Helpful." I grabbed a few boxes of pony friendly food and set it on my table. "That good?"

The mare shook her stump hard. She started trotting back to the fridge.

I grew a bit mad and opened up a box. "It's food! Food in boxes!" I held a box of cereal down for her. She walked over and poked her stump against the box. She reared up, kicking her legs and hugging my waist. "...Okay? I don't know what that means."

Headless trotted around behind me, pushing me towards the tableful of food. She trotted around angrily, waiting for me to do something. She stared at me, waiting for me to understand her.

She stopped when it became apparent I was clueless. She reared up, holding her hooves out vertically. "...Tall?"

A single tap.

"...I don't- fuck charades!"

She started trotting in place, a bit sporty in her step. "...Walk- walking...tall.... The trail?"

She stopped and started hastily tapping her hooves. She ran over, pointed at the table, then to the door.

I scratched the back of my neck and found a few bags. "So...what the hell is this gonna solve!?"

Headless just glared at me, eyelessly, headlessly, but it burned all the same. She ran over to the front door as I hoisted a few bags of food over my shoulders. "So...lead the way." I stated, opening the door for her. She slapped my side with her tail and started off through the sunny town. "Wait...-- Oh shit!"

My neighbors froze, staring at the headless as she walked onto the main road. I ran over to her and blocked their view, "Hey Ringer...Tick...have a good day...bye." I muttered towards them, blocking headless and poking her rear with the point of my shoe. "Go...go go go, quickly!"

Headless realized the reasons for my haste, looking high into the sky and freezing in place. She locked up, a crowd of ponies starting to gather around us. "Oh come on...really?" I picked her rigid body up and started sprinting towards the path out of town.

Ponies and humans ran screaming as I carried headless through the town, bolting away and clearing me a path. "Shit shit shit--" I bull rushed a a stallion and his girlfriend, rushing into the trees and hiding in the brush. I waited until things settled down, slowly sneaking further into the brush before settling down and setting down Headless.

She took a moment, shaking violently before getting control of herself. She shook her body, bristling slightly as she shook her legs out. She paced nervously around, quickly reminding us both of her situation with a loud growl of her stomach.

I looked at her with a worried frown. "...So...do you like.... How? Do you like...shove it...up inside?" I asked, extremely confused. "Cause...you could have done that at home...."

Headless looked back at me, ramming her neck into my side. She whipped her tail around angrily and turned towards the woods. "Well excuse me! Little miss pissy!" I threw my hands up and followed her as she walked through the woods. We walked calmly back up the hill, staying off the trail to avoid others.

I scratched my head as I thought back to the mayor's aid. How could anybody find this little thing scary? What's she gonna do, kick you? That's all she's got.

I followed her slowly, making sure to watch my footing as she lead me deeper into the forest. Foliage growing denser, roots crisscrossing and creating a mesh over the ground. We squeezed through a slit in a grove and into a clearing.

"Oi- oi- buck off ya mongrel!" A perky English voice rang out over the rustling, "Dust!? Bucking help, there's a bucking dog!"

Headless ran through a bush, leaving me to plod along behind her. I flinched as a dog ran through the bush, bolting away and yelping. "What the hell?" I walked over to the bush and peeked through.

I watched as Headless started stomping her hoof in a strange pattern. The English voice stopped the thudding of Headless' hooves. "Well then! Get 'em in 'ere!"

Headless turned to me, whipping her tail around. I took that and the voice as reason enough to climb through the bush. I found myself in a small grassy clearing, walled by trees. I walked over to Headless, finding a decapitated pony head on a stone pedestal.

The head looked at me, coat matching headless and eyes bright orange. "Well...you're new ain't ya'."

I slapped the top of my head and pushed Headless aside. "...Dude...what?"

The head turned to Headless, "He ain't the brightest one, is 'e?"

Headless tapped her hoof twice. She walked around behind me, pulling a bag from my grasps and dumping it before the head. I set the other bag down and sat before the severed pony head. "...So...--"

"Oi, genius, ya figured it out yet!?" The head yelled, looking at my with an annoyed look. "Cosmic Dust, head and body. Ya get it?"

I shook my head and looked off to the side, "Not really! How- what are you!?"

The mare looked to her forehead. "A bloody unicorn ya git! Now Dust said ya had some food. Ya got somethin' ta' eat?"

I puffed my cheeks out and grabbed an apple from my bags. "So.... What?"

The head blew her mane out of her face. "Immortality. And let me tell ya' it sucks!" She wiggled back and forth as Headless took a seat next to me. "I'll tell ya later, but since ya hijacked my body and all, ya' wanna pop that red thing right in 'ere?" She popped her mouth open, waiting for the apple. I complied holding the apple for the head and flinching as a crisp snap sang from the apple. A loud chewing ensued, "Oh sweet dandy...that's bloody beautiful!" The head flattened out her ears and let out a gluttonous sigh. "By the mother...I don't know yer' name...but I love ya'."

I took a bite of the untouched side of the apple and threw the core into the bushes. "So, now, what?"

The head looked to Headless, "Ya got a dumb one lass." The head turned to me, flicking her ears. "Well, maybe ya should tell me what the buck ya' are--"

"Human, mammal."

The head rolled her eyes, "Aye, and you're the one who was getting all lovey with ma' body?"

I scratched my head, resting my other hand on Headless' neck. "Yes? How the hell do you--"

"I can feel that. Your thingy on my neck. Gotta say, it feels kinda good, but I'd appreciate you not molesting me." The head looked around. "Ya got a name lad?"

I hugged Headless, making the head shiver slightly. "Jason Sander. So...you have a name I guess- Cosmic Dust?"

The head rolled back and forth, "Kinda. That's my full name. But I'm Cosmic, she's Dust-" she flicked her ears at Headless, "- and we're still a bit hungry."

I found a box full of crackers and popped a few into Cosmic's mouth. She chewed loudly, Dust growing more and more eased as the food apparently hit her stomach. "...Friend...I love ya...." Cosmic stated, smiling cheekily, "Give us a kiss love." She smiled, crumbs and such stuck between her teeth.

"Uh...no thanks." I patted Cosmic, feeling her mane course and sticky to the touch. "Aw gross!"

"Oi!" Cosmic nipped at me, snarling angrily. "The buck was that about!? Gross, sorry! I ain't exactly had a bath in a while!"

I held my hands out defensively. "I didn't mean it like that!"

Cosmic stuck her tongue out at me, then popped her mouth open. I threw another cracker for her and watched as she slammed her mouth down on them. "Bloody...amazing." She cooed, face melting into a dumb smile. "I- oh...."

Dust stood up, pulling away from my side and wandering into the bushes. "Oi...don't look!" Cosmic yelped, drawing my attention, "Ya like watchin' ponies take a piss!?"

"What- oh...god...." I rubbed my head as Dust walked into the bushes. "...So you're...you're peeing right now?"

Cosmic wiggled her ears. "Kinda. We're one person, but she's got a mind of 'er own now. Bloody four hundred years and my body's gone and decided to be independent!"

I slapped my forehead. "...This is so weird.... I--" I stopped myself and stood up. "This is weird enough without being outdoors." I plucked Cosmic off the pedestal and turned towards the path.

Cosmic started screaming obscenities. "Oi, ya git, ya wanker! Put me the buck down ya loony!" She started huffing and puffing as I tucked her under my arm, "I don't like heights!"

I spotted Dust trotting back into the clearing. I pointed to the exit and started talking to Cosmic. "You're like four feet off the ground!"

"What the buck is a bucking feet!?" Cosmic panicked, trying to look around. "Oi!? You listening to me!? Put me the buck dow--"

I stopped her holding her atop my head, "You bucking nutter! You- buck!" She started panicking as I stopped. "Lad, put me down, please lad put me--"

I covered her mouth and waited at the edge of the path. "Quiet you...." I made sure the path was clear, letting Dust catch up and join us. "Alright...we're going to get some running freaking water and clean you the hell off!"

Cosmic licked my hand, trying to push me away with her tongue. I made sure she could breath and slowly made my way down the path. We walked quickly down the path, stopping before we left the treeline.

The town was rather empty, ponies walking around nervously and looking towards the path. "Crap." I lead Dust to the side and uncovered Cosmic's mouth.

"Oi ya bastard! The buck are ya' doin'!?" Cosmic yelled, shaking herself in my arms. "I can't go there! They'll bloody throw me down a damn well!"

I shook her slightly. "Calm the hell down! Why would they--"

"They think I'm a damn monster!" She cut in, pointing her eyes towards Dust. "This dink went and scared a bunch of fillies, now--"

I covered her mouth, "Hey...shut up." I set her down on the dirt, starting to take off my hoodie. "They try to throw you down a well, I'll...do something." I took off my hoodie and pulled Dust over. "Come here...." I wrapped it around her neck, creating a little nest around her throat.

"The buck ya--"

I grabbed Cosmic, sitting her into the strange nest and making sure she was mostly secure. "There! That's...passable."

Cosmic shifted around in the hoodie. "...The buck is this?"

I shrugged, leading the makeshift pony to the road. "Just suffer through." I started off onto the road through town, Cosmic and Dust following me slowly. We made our way through the outskirts without incident.

Dust walked over as we reached the residential area, bringing Cosmic alongside me. "Oi...so...she doesn't like this...."

I tussled Cosmic's messy mane. "Look...this is amazing, but you gotta meet me half way here! I grabbed Dust by the neck and looked Cosmic in the eyes. "Work with me--"

My hand pulled up her neck, pulling Cosmic out and onto the ground. "Oi! Ya prick!"

An ear piercing scream broke the silence, "Oh dear Celestia!!" A mare on the street bolted away, screaming like a maniac as I scrambled to collect the two halves of Cosmic Dust.

"Shit shit shit!" I grabbed Cosmic and tucked her under my arm. "Crap!" I wrapped her in my hoodie and started running. Dust followed close behind, joining me in my full sprint. We managed to hop a low wall and reach my house before anyone else could panic.

I jammed my key into my door and threw it open. I was a step from heading inside when a slightly familiar voice cut my step off. "...Mr. Sander.... Why are ponies saying you--" She stopped dead as I turned around and revealed Cosmic. Dust quickly joining me at my side.

She glared up at me. "Ya prick, the buck ya' thinkin'!?"

The mayor's aid just stared at me. "I...um.... I...need to...consult somepony." She turned away and jabbed to herself as she trotted off, "First that baby dragon...now this.... I need a drink...."

My neighbors slowly flooded my lawn, all of them staring at the angry head in my hands. "Oi...the buck ya' lookin' at ya wanker!?" Cosmic yelled, making a few of the gawkers step back, "Come on then, do somethin'!"

One of my human neighbors walked over, lurching forward and grabbing my shirt, "Dude...the fuck?"

I threw him off and turned to my door. "Don't ask...."

"No!" He turned me around and grabbed me again. "This is...magical."

My pony neighbors looked around nervously. One walking over and looking at Dust. "Headless Horse...this...this is the Headless Horse." she rubbed her head with her hoof, "...It's a lot less scary up close."

I let out a rough cough and started walking Dust and Cosmic back towards my house. I made sure Dust was inside and slammed the door on my neighbor. "Pricks." I walked into my bathroom, Dust following me as Cosmic just grumbled.

"I told ya', I bloody told ya didn't I!?" She bit my thumb, causing me to jump. "I don't age! That don't mean ya can just chuck me' 'ead out a window and I'll be fine!"

I set her down on the floor of my shower. "Look...I'll figure this out when I fully grasp what's going on!" I sat on the edge of my tub and looked at Cosmic. Her grey coat and mane hanging creepily in my tub. "This is just...so weird."

"No, me rollin' off my own neck and making a mare piss 'er self is normal as apple flippin' pie!" Comsic huffed as Dust joined her, trying to pick her up with her forelegs. "Look at this! Ya made 'er sad!"

I looked down at the angry pair of orange eyes glaring at me. "Well sorry! It's better than the woods right!?"

Cosmic just frowned at me. "...Why the heck we in a tub?" I flicked on the tap, showering the two part pony in cold water, "Bollocking buck!"

I ignored her scream, "Because you smell like the inside of a hat." I grabbed a bottle of shampoo and painted stripes on her mane and tail. "Disgusting."

Cosmic just spit out water and tried to yell. "Ass- bo- stop!"

I plucked her head out of the water, her body enjoying it and laying down. I found a towel and plopped the head into my lap. "Oh be quiet...." I ran my fingers through her mane, washing her off as she grumbled.

She started settling down as the room started to fill with steam. "Ya' nut...the heck do ya' think you're doin'?"

I washed off her mane and wrapped her in a towel, face showing. "Washing off a new friend.... A new crippled friend."

Cosmic grumbled as Dust just laid down across the floor of the tub, "We ain't friends, mate."

I cocked an eyebrow and looked at Dust as she rolled onto her back. "Your body seems to disagree."

Cosmic grew a little red and tried to look away, "I like the water...."

I turned her head to meet my eyes. "Look at m-- Wait...you still hungry?"

Her ears perked up. "Ya got more!?"

I stood up and left Dust laying limply in the tub, tail slapping about happily. I carried the damp head back into my kitchen and set her down on the table. "What do you want? I got...some pony food...." I found a few pucks of hay and put them onto a plate.

Cosmic looked around at my kitchen. "The buck is all this!?"

I sat down and held a puck of hay for her. "It's a kitchen...."

Cosmic snapped her greedy maw over the puck and tore it from my hand, grinding it into paste and settling down. "This ain't no kitchen! This is like...weird!"

I scratched my head as I settled in. "It's a kitchen.... How long have you been out there!?"

Cosmic looked off to the side. "What year is it?"

"Two A.L.R.."

Cosmic squinted an eye. "The buck is A.L.R.? I'm talkin' after banishment ya bint!"

I scratched my nose. "Oh...uh- one-thousand and two after banishment."

"Huh, felt like longer." She opened her mouth, prompting me to throw some more hay for her. She ground it down, swallowing and letting out a short burp. "Bout' three-hundred years. Maybe three-fifty, I stopped counting a while ago."

I rubbed my head as I stared at her. "Can I ask you something?"

Cosmic glared at me. "Immortality spell gone wrong. Or right...technically it worked."

I shook my head. "I was gonna ask...how can you eat!?"

"Ah, it's a bond. It goes down my throat, then into Dust's neck." She grew a sad expression, "Poor thing...she's got the mind of a simpleton. Didn't get the brain."

I rubbed my nose. "So wait, you're one person. But she's got a mind?"

Cosmic flicked her ears, "She's like a foal. Knows how to do simple things, but ain't quite there."

"But you feel what she feels?"

She did her best to nod, "Yeah, water's good friend.... Sorry if I was a bit of a ripe bitch earlier."

I felt myself go slightly stunned. "Ripe bitch? What the hell does that even mean!?"

Cosmic flattened out her ears, "I don't know! It means I was rude! Are ya dense, ya don't get that!?"

"Hey! Stop swearing, shut up!"

"Make me!"

I jumped upright running to my fridge and finding a box of chocolates I'd pilfered from party. "Fine then!"

"The buck is--" I shut her up, jamming a square of chocolate into her mouth, "Bucking Tartarus! That's bloody chocolate!"

"Yep, you want some more?"

"Do I want some bloody more, yes I want some more! I haven't had real chocolate in bloody years!"

"Then stop swearing!"

Cosmic froze mid yell. "I'll-- Ach- ...oh ya bugger...." She stared at my angrily, "Well...ya gonna give me another?"

I leaned back in my seat and watched her, "Maybe. I'm gonna go check on your-- Dust." I stood up and left the seething head to grumble. I found Dust still laying across the bottom of the bath, half asleep from the soothing water. "Wake up, time to go." I shut the water off. Dust just laid there, wagging her tail and dripping into the tub.

It was adorable, just a happy nubile body, resting wet in the bottom of my tub. "...Feel good?"

Dust tapped her hoof twice on the wall of the shower. She craned her neck to face me, looking at me before laying back down. I found the biggest towel I owned and wrapped up the happy body, cradling her and carrying her into my guest room. I tucked her in and left her laying happily under the covers.

I walked back down to my kitchen, finding Cosmic trying to roll across the tabletop. "Oi! Ya keep fondling my body!"

I flicked Cosmic's ear and sat down, "Didn't swear yet." I plucked a Lindor from the box and popped it into her mouth.

"Sweet mother..." Cosmic cooed, flatting her ears and adopting a satisfied chewing smile. "Right, scratch what I said, we're friends again."

"Oh joy. Does this mean I can touch you without you freaking out?" I asked, tugging at her ear. "By the way, your body, Dust, is adorable!"

Cosmic froze mid chew, growing a little red a she stealthily chewed the mass of chocolate. "Friend...that's my ass you're talkin' about...."

I cocked an eyebrow, "And?" I snickered slightly as I thought of a funny joke, "You've got an adorable ass! Couldn't guess it from your attitude!"

"Oi! I've been stuck in the bloody great outdoors for most of my bloody unending life!"

"Well you're not now! So chill!"

Cosmic stared at me, going from angry to a bit worried. "...The buck does that mean?" She rolled her cheek against the tabletop, "I can't stay here friend...I mean...ya went and fed me, but I can't stay here! Ya saw those gits! They bloody hate me!"

I shrugged, mumbling a little, "Iduncare" I picked up her head and stood from the table, "I fucking hate my neighbors!"

Cosmic adjusted herself in my arms, "I'm more worried about the bloody law--"

I carried Cosmic up into my upstairs hall. "Don't worry about anybody. If anybody tried to hurt you there would be such a shit storm, the news would have a field day!" I walked over to my bedroom door. "Now you wanna sleep with me or your body?"

Cosmic looked around shakily. "...Can ya scratch my nose?" I did, feeling her muzzle scrunch up as I hit a soft spot. "There! There ya- bend-er--" She let out a pleased sigh as I scratched the top of her muzzle. "...Right...I'll uh.... We can bunk...be like the army again."

"Wait...what? Army?"

Cosmic flicked her ears against my forearms, "Aye, Equestria's army.... What...why ya lookin' at me like that?"

"Equestria doesn't have an army."

Cosmic stared straight ahead, cocking an eyebrow hard, "Ya 'aavin a laugh?"

I shook my head and faced her towards me, "Nope...no army."

She looked like I'd slapped her, "...Jason or sumthin', right?" I nodded, prompting her to look away before continuing, "...I need a hug...."

I looked around nervously, "Uh...how?"

Cosmic's ears flattened out, "Yer' an idiot...."