Chapter 2 Alt Title: Learn Your Abilities Before Taunting Magical Pony Princesses

So there I was, splattered against a cliff. No seriously, I was literally a giant splotch mark on the cliff.
It was so weird.
And all of a sudden, three irate pony Princesses fly over and notice the giant splotch mark that wasn't there before.
"Princess Celestia, are you seeing what I'm seeing?"
"Yes Twilight, it appears as though our mystery assailant has left their mark, though I do wonder where they could have gone."
"It matters not, sister. We will find them and see them brought to justice!"
Shit. Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit.
Just...don't move...stay still....and oh shit I'm starting to reform. Please don't notice me.
"Princess, look!"
Aaaaaaand it looks like I'm screwed. Fuck this shit, I'm out.

And I let myself fall, somehow streamlining myself into a shadowy bullet and falling far faster than they could fly...I hope.
Meanwhile, a small part of my brain thought, 'Wait...wasn't Twilight just turned into an Alicorn Princess? How is she flying so soon?'
Well, no time to think about that. Focusing, I proceeded to drop even faster, my rear surface suddenly sprouting a smoky trail of shadows, propelling me down and SPLASH through a river, into the ground and apparently into those weird crystal caves that Cadance was trapped in during the wedding episode.
"Whew. Okay, I think I lost them... for now."
"Traveler's log: Day one. I don't know why I'm talking to myself again, but it's probably keeping me from going insane. Right now, I'm in Equestria due to that weird mask I bought. Situation is fairly dire, although my newfound talents seem to aide in escaping any and all forms of attempted capture.
Unfortunately, I really need to know what I can do, so, here's hoping that real life in Equestria works like how Fimfiction says it does, and let's take stock.
My current form appears to be that of a tall, humanoid, three-dimensional shadow. I don't reflect light, and I can apparently shape-shift. However, this form also requires an effort to maintain, which I can tell isn't from the fact that as a shadow, I should be flat on the ground.
Rambling aside, let's see what happens if I just try to relax just a little bit...SHIT that feels odd."
My voice echoed through the caverns, and anyone – anypony, I mean, would probably find it odd to hear me rambling about such inane and nonsensical things.
"Okay, that was odd, but this form is apparently my natural state now. It appears as though I have luminescent eyes, and a luminescent formless mouth, which moves as I speak, as any good mouth should.
I, from what I can see of my reflection, appear to be a rather long-ish serpent made of...shadows. My eyes are approximately six inches across by five inches fully opened, though measurements vary. They are approximately almond shaped and fairly luminescent, from what I can tell, about bright enough to faintly light a path, but not enough to blind anypony. Odd, but workable.
I am currently levitating about three feet above the ground and am capable of full 3D maneuvering. I also appear to be trailing little wisps behind me and I also have two small slivers that act as hands...despite being shaped like overly stylized paws. Great. I think I'm going insane. Shut up, Me! Back to scientific observation! Okay! I also have weird...ear slivers? The hell? Son of a bitch, I look like a color inverted version of Pangur Ban from Secret of Kells! Well, the mask was faintly reminiscent of the cat's face... You know what, fuck it, I'd rather look like a humanoid shadow than this, even if it's Dr. Facilier's. Okay. Cursory observations done... let's see what happens if I just kinda... SHIT!"
Well that was odd, I guess I can make myself into a weapon. Should have guessed, what with the shapeshifting and all.
"Alright, my arm is now a rather large blade, and I can't feel too well using it. Further experimentation will have to wait. How about shadow to shadow interactions?....And I'm now on the other side of the cavern, in another shadow. Cool. Wait... what's that sound?"
RUMBLE RUMBLE CRASH
"Oh shit! They found me!"
And I ran like a bitch, forgetting that I could easily start flying, due to my panicked state.
"There he is, don't let him get away!"
"NOPEnopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenope!"
"HALT FOUL CREATURE! WE COMMAND YOU TO STOP!"
At Luna's shout, I immediately fell to the ground and began whimpering in pain; looks like I got a sensory upgrade when I came over. I really now wish I hadn't, would have kept them from catching me in that bubble.
"Aagh, my ears. Oh shit, I'm trapped! FUUUUUUUUUUCK!"
"Be silent, strange creature, for thine vulgar phrases doth offend us greatly."
"Luna, be polite. Hello there, my name is Princess Celestia–"
"And I'm very confused right now, what did I do exactly?"
"–You crashed into my castle and nearly destroyed three balconies, four towers and sixteen different guest rooms. The falling debris nearly injured many of my little ponies, and you attempted to resist arrest. So what do you have to say for yourself?"
So that's what happened. Yikes, I didn't expect the damage to be that bad, I thought it was just the one balcony.
"...Well that seems like a perfectly reasonable statement, except for the fact that I couldn't control my flight path. Sorry about that."
All three Princesses blinked in unison, then Twilight spoke, "You mean to say that all that damage was accidental?"
"Yup"
"What are you, anyways? I've never seen any creature as strange as you"
"I'm apparently a shadow at this point, but I used to be a human, from a universe a few doors down."
"Lies! There is no force in the universe that can cross the barrier between universes!"
"It's true! You know what, fuck this, I'm out"
At this, I proceeded to slash a trench in the ground, and used the shadow cast by the new skylight to teleport back up to the surface.
"Later, bitches!"
I turned to run-
Wham!
-and promptly knocked my stupid ass out on the inside of another bubble.
That was just not my day.

Author's Notes:

Gods, I don't even know what I'm doing. Is it normal to just type what comes to mind?

Omake:
What life was like before the 'Con:
What can I say, I was an ordinary college kid in UC Berkeley. I got decent grades, majored in engineering, never partied, never drank... okay, I was a prudish recluse of a nerd. But at least I got good grades.
I was a brony, an anime fan, an artist, I dabbled in creative writing, and I absolutely sucked at history and english class.
And then everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked I put on that GODDAMN mask.
Now I'm in Equestria