Bros For Life

by MnM

First published 15th of July, 2014

Several ordinary bros find themselves in extraordinary situations.

You are Anonymous, a twenty something year old who one day awoke to find himself in a word filled with colorful talking ponies (and some humans) for some reason.

But that's not important; what's important to you are your bros, Big Mac and Lyra, who have been there for you ever since you showed up in Ponyville like true compadres.

Now, you and your friends take on anything that Equestria can throw at two of you, with the help of a few friends, hot mares, and a lot of booze.

Rated mature for l-lewd scenes, sexual humor, heavy amounts of booty discussion, and morning wood.

Written in collaboration with my bros Hideo Kojima, Broseph Stalin, and Nehem.

The amount of times the word bro (or an alternate version of the word) has been used: A lot, we stopped counting somewhere around 500.

Chapter I: Introductions, Part I

You slowly stirred and regained consciousness, bringing an unfortunate end to the awesome dream you were having about you and George Washington fighting off an alien invasion, all while riding on a robotic t-rex.

Life is suffering.

You attempted to sit up, only to find yourself unable to move a single muscle. Upon a quick examination of your surroundings, you found yourself surrounded by pure darkness, which you were unable to make anything out in. You couldn't feel anything either, save for a pounding headache.

Your memory was pretty hazy as well, and you couldn't seem to recollect much of anything, let alone how you got in your current situation.

All you could seem to remember was a strong love for the booty.

You struggled to remember something about yourself, or how you wound up in this dark abyss, but no matter how hard you tried, you couldn't remember a single thing.

Finally, you remembered something. A name.

Your name was Anonymous, or Anon for short. Across the galaxy, you were known and feared by the title Anonymous, Destroyer of Cunts. Women wanted to be with you, and men wanted to be you.

Well, you liked to pretend that was the case.

As you remembered your name, more details about yourself began to pop up. You lived in Ponyville, in a cheap one bedroom apartment, being one of the few humans in town (the other two being a volunteer janitor named Scruffy and a Cuban midget named Paco who's always getting into trouble), and worked at Sweet Apple Acres as an 'Apple Picker/Sorter Specialist'.

You also, on occasion, worked the streets when you needed to make some extra change. Mares love that hot monkey dick.

Everything started to come back to you, but you couldn't seem to recall exactly what you were doing in this seemingly endless void of darkness.

Were you dead or something?

Did you divide by zero?

Did it finally happen?

Oh wait, your eyes were closed.

Your eyes shot open as soon as this realization hit you, only to be met by a blinding light. You immediately attempted to shield your eyes, but found that you were restrained. You glanced down to see what was immobilizing you, and saw that you were bound to a chair.

You grimaced and tried to fight through the headache. You attempted to remember exactly how you managed to get in this situation, but anything you could remember was just a blur.

The last thing you could remember correctly was everything suddenly going black as you were making your way home with this one mare and Big Mac-

!

SHIT.

You shot your head about frantically as you searched for your bro, your eyes having adjusted to the light and allowing you to examine your surroundings. You appeared to be in a run down bathroom, surrounded by sinks, urinals, and bathroom stalls, with a single television in the middle of the room.

You briefly wondered how ponies could actually use a urinal, but you quickly banished those thoughts. There are more pressing matters at hand. Your bro is no where to be seen.

Once you got free, it'd be your duty to find-

Oh no, wait, he was actually right next to you.

You glanced over to your right and spotted Big Macintosh, bound in chair just like you. He's awake, calmly staring at the wall in front of him, appearing only slightly annoyed.

"Yo bro, you alright?"

He glanced your way and nodded. "Eeyup."

"Know how we got in here?"

"Eenope."

"Fuck."

You leaned back in your chair and heaved out an exasperated sigh. To think, you could be at home getting drunk off your ass and watching hardcore Germane dungeon porn right now.

!

The television before them suddenly flickered to life. Through the heavy static, you could make out the silhouette of a pony leering at the two of you.

"Would you like to play a game?" the pony inquired in a raspy voice, sounding just like a stereotypical villain from an overrated a movie series.

Your sleep was violently robbed from you by a loud knocking at the door. You groaned as you sat up, before glancing over to the clock that hung from the nearby wall.

It was half past noon.

"Fuck. It's too early for this."

You hopped up from the spot where your ass had drunkenly passed out the previous evening after a long night of partying hard and booty hunting. You glared at the door where the knocking had emanated from, before you stumbled your way through your collection of empty beer bottles covering the floor and flung the door open.

"Hi Anon!" three voices sang, the loudness of their shrill cry almost making you cover your ears.

You glanced down at the three fillies that stood at the door, who looked up at you with expectant smiles.

"I don't want to buy anything," you muttered, before leaning in and whispering, "Well... if you have the Krabby Patty secret formula, I'd be more than willing to take it off your hands..."

"You're so silly, Anon. We don't want to sell you anything," the white filly of the three - Sweaty Belt, if you recalled correctly - said, which completely shot down your hopes and dreams.

How you gonna put a nigga down like that?

"Yeah dude," the crippled pony, Scottaloo, spoke up, "we were wondering if you could help us find our cutie marks."

You stood back up and looked at the fillies - who were now giving you the saddest puppy eyes you have ever seen - with a raised brow.

"Nope."

You slammed the door on them and made your way to the bathroom.

After having pissed up a storm, you exited the bathroom, only to hear more pounding at your front door.

You walked up to the door. "Who's that knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door?"

You opened the door, expecting more kids trying to sell your secret formulas.

Or Mormons.

Or, even worse, Jehovah's Witnesses.

Them niggas were persistant.

Nope. It was your bro's hot sister, Applejack.

"Howdy, A-"

She paused mid sentence, her eyes widened as she took you in.

"Uh, Anon, ya got wood."

?

You glance down, and sure enough, you were at full mast. It would appear you forgot to put clothes on, once again. I mean, who could blame you?

Everyone loves to feel the breeze between their knees.

"Huh... so I do..." you responded, before you gave the mare your attention once more, "So, what's up?"

"Well... uh..." the stetson sporting mare attempted to avoid your morning wood, but it seemed to follow her everywhere she looked, "Big Mac sent me ta come-"

"HAH!"

She raised a brow at your behavior, but continued. "He sent me ta come tell ya ta meet up with him at the farm. He's a bit busy with work at the moment... Though, Ah don't see how inviting ya over is gonna help him any..."

"Aight. I'll be right over."

Applejack still stood there, unable to take her eyes off your wood.

"You wanna come inside or something...? I swear it doesn't bite."

Somehow, the mare's eyes widened even more, her mouth agape as she took in your offer.

"SeeyalaterAnon," the flustered mare said in one breath, before she quickly made her exit.

You watched her flee, your soldier refusing to stand down as you took in her majestic booty.

You hated to watch her leave, but you just loved to see her-

"NICE COCK YOU GOT THERE, BRAH!" Lyra, one of your homies, called out as she was passing by, interrupting your internal ramblings about the booty.

"THANKS BRO!" you returned the call.

"WE STILL ON FOR TONIGHT, BROSEPH STALIN!?" she inquired, making her way over to you.

"HELL YEAH, BROSEIDON! I'D NEVER LEAVE A BRO BEHIND!"

"NO BROS LEFT BEHIND, BRAH!"

"FUCK YEAH!"

The two of you gave each other a chest bump: the only way true bros should greet each other. It got a little weird when your tip hit her in the stomach, but you were bros, so the two of you could give less of a fuck.

"Catch you at the Salty Sailor tonight, brah," she said, "I'm gonna drink you under a fucking table."

"Bitch, you can never keep up with me. I am the champion of alcoholism, my friend."

"Whatever you say, brah. Catch you on the flip."

The two of you waved good bye to each other before she continued on her way.

Damn, today felt like it was gonna be a good day. Hell, you doubted you'd even have to use your AK.

After you threw on some Apple Spice and pounded down a cold one, you exited your shitty apartment and began to whistle dixie as you casually walked away.

"NICE COCK, ANON!" your landlord called out to you as you walked out your front door.

!

You looked down, and realized you forgot to throw some clothes on.

"Shit."

You made your way back inside to fix your mistake and throw on some stylish duds, before you left your apartment behind once more.

As you strutted your stuff through Ponyville, you earned the attention of one of the fillies from earlier. She quickly galloped over to you, probably about do or say something that was really gonna fuck with your feng shui.

"Howdy Anon!" she greeted as she trotted up alongside you. You recognized her as Big Mac's youngest sister. You couldn't quite remember her name, though you figured it probably started with Apple.

You pondered this for a few moments, before you remembered her name.

"APPLEBUMM!" you exclaimed as the answer finally came to you.

She looked at you, confused. "Uh... I'm sorry? My name's Apple Bloom, Anon."

"Fuck," you grumbled under your breath, "What's up little homie?"

"What's up? The struggle is what's up."

You regarded the little earth pony with a raised brow. "The struggle?"

"Yeah! The girls and Ah need to discover our special talents so we can get our cutie marks. Only... it's not going so well."

You stopped and took a knee so you can be at eye level with the small filly. "You're going about this all wrong, young one."

"Ah am?"

"Yup," you nodded sagely, "taking a shot in the dark with every little thing you can think of isn't gonna get you anywhere."

Apple Bloom raised a brow in confusion. "Then how will we get our cutie marks?"

You smirked. "You don't gotta wait, just go get a couple tats on your ass so everyone will think you’ve got your cutie mark. Hard work won't get you anywhere, lil' dude. Only shortcuts and being lazy. I mean, that's how I took on life, and look at me now."

You took a step back and held your arms open wide, so that the little filly could bask in your glorious perfection.

She merely smirked, though.

"But Anon, ya live in a bad apartment and always smell like booze. Ah don't think Ah've ever seen ya sober."

"And I couldn't be happier," you said with a big ass smile as you messed with the filly's mane, before you stood back up, "Listen to my advice, kid. You'll go places."

"Ah'll consider it. See ya round!"

You smiled to yourself as you watched her wander off. You're such a great role model.

Not really. Quite frankly you shouldn't even be allowed near kids. Your advice will probably get somebody killed.

That is if it hasn’t already.

You kept on truckin’, greeting anybody you came across like the Fonz. Most ponies looked at you strangely, but a few, likely other followers of the Fonz, responded in kind. That one clusterfuck of animal parts guy even magicked up a leather jacket, a pair of sunglasses, and some greasy hair, before he trailed off into a long "ayy" as you passed each other by.

He was a pretty cool guy.

"ANONYMOUS!"

!

There was no mistaking that voice.

You spun around towards the source of the shrill cry and pointed a finger towards the creature who dared try to put a stop to your dicking around.

"I KNEW YOU'D FOLLOW ME HERE, JANITOR! I HAVE SOME NEWS FOR YOU FATTY, THERE AIN'T NO HOT POCKETS IN EQUESTRIA!"

"W-what?" the purple alicorn you pointed at stuttered out, "It's me, Twilight!"

You soon calmed down and let out a sigh of relief. "Well, that's a relief. You're a buzzkill, Sparklebutt, but at least you're not a janitor on the internet."

"I'm not a buzzkill!" she protested, as she crossed her hooves and pouted, doing her best to avoid eye contact with you.

"Bitch please, the last time I invited you to a party, you ended up ticketing everybody ‘cause the party went on past curfew."

"There's something called noise ordinances, Anonymous," Twilight stated as she leered at you, "you should be mindful of others."

"Everybody within a block’s radius was there, Sparklebutt," you pointed out with a smirk.

"The law's the law, and as a princess, it's my job to enforce it. And stop calling me Sparklebutt," she cried as she grew more and more flustered every second she was around you.

"But the way you react is soooo cute," you retorted in a baby voice as you pinched the princess's fuzzy cheeks, "how could I resist?"

She pushed you off her and cleared her throat. "We're way off topic, Anonymous. You haven't been in for your weekly friendship sessions for almost a month now."

You groaned and rolled your eyes. Sparklebutt and her fucking friendship sessions... they are so fucking boring, just you and her spending hours studying and talking about feelings.

She doesn't even let you drink to spice things up.

"Shit's just not for me," you said, flatly.

"But Anon, you promised you'd do it! It was something we agreed to do when you first showed up in Equestria."

"Yeah, well, they're boring as hell. Unless you wanna ditch the talking and reading for partying and bar fights, I'm not going."

Twilight went quiet as she scratched her chin in thought.

Moments later, she lightened up, apparently coming to a decision.

"Alright Anonymous, clearly my ways aren't for you. So I'll be willing to give your ways a chance, so long as you learn something about the magic of friendship."

"FUCK YEAH, BRO! LET'S GO GET TURNT-"

You halted your cheer as you remembered the reason why you weren't already at home, sitting around in the nude, drinking beer, and shitposting on Ponychan. Your compadre still awaited your arrival.

"Gotta take a rain check on that friendship session, Sparklebutt. Next time, though."

"B-but," she protested as her lips began to quiver.

Damn, you actually kinda felt bad...

BUT NO MATTER, YOUR BRO AWAITS.

"Igottagothanksbye," you said in one breath before you skipped off in the general direction of Sweet Apple Acres.

You made your way up the familiar path that led up to Sweet Apple Acres with a skip in your step. Besides your shitty apartment and the Salty Sailor, this was one of your favorite places to come to.

Well, unless you were on the clock. Work fucking sucks.

Gotta get that change though.

You glanced about as you got closer and closer to the distant farmhouse. This was actually where you first showed in Equestria, where you somehow awoke in the middle of the orchard after a long night of partying back on Earth. You then met the stallion who would end up being your best bro, who originally mistook you for a thief and knocked you the fuck the out before you even knew what was happening.

Good times.

As you approached the farmhouse, you spotted the Apple family's matriarch in her rocking chair on the front porch.

"Yo Granny," you greeted her as you walked up to the porch.

"Yer late!" she bellowed.

You regarded her with a raised brow. "Dude, it's my day off."

"DAY OFF?! Boy, back in my day..."

As she trailed off, you took this opportunity to move on and made your way towards the barn. She typically forgot that she was even talking to anybody anyways.

You searched about the barn, but despite your efforts, you found no sign of your bro anywhere.

"About time ya showed up," you heard Applejack comment from behind you, "and with pants no less! Ah'm impressed."

You turned around to face the mare. "You don't even wear clothes. Why do you care?"

A small giggle escaped the mare's lips. "Cuz yer dangly bits don't retract like a stallions, sugarcube."

"Gross. Do you know where Big Mac is?"

"He's out working in the-"

"WHAT?!"

"Ah said, he's out working in the-"

"WHAT?!"

"COULD YA STOP DOING THAT?!" Applejack demanded, growing tired of your Lil’ Jon impression.

"YEEEEEAH!"

She releases a frustrated sigh. "Big Mac's working in the western orchard."

"OKAY!"

"Yer a strange one, Anon."

"WHAT?!"

"Ah said yer a- forget it. See ya round, Anon."

"BYE NIGGA!"

You waved good bye to the orange pony, then began to moonwalk in the general direction of the western orchard. It's hard on the dirt road, but you’ve already started, and don't want to disappoint the spirit of Michael Jackson.

Besides, you got skills. Bitches love skills.

About ten minutes into your journey, your ears picked up the sound of hooves bucking against bark and apples falling into the collection bins below.

!

You moonwalked straight into your bro, which caused you to topple over and bring the stallion down with you. You begged the good lord Jackson for his forgiveness as you tumbled to the earth.

"Anon! What in Sam Hill are you doing?!" he demanded as he shoved you off of him.

You briefly wondered how a pony would know that phrase, but you chalk it up to the writers being too lazy to make up a ponified version.

"What am I doing?! Nigga, I'm stylin’ on you! That's what I'm doing," you answered, before you sat up, "Check this out."

You leapt up from the ground and began to moonwalk away from your compadre.

"WOAH! SHAMONA!"

You did a spin and grabbed your nuts, then thrust your hips forward.

"HEEEEEHEEEE!"

You pause, looking to Big Mac for approval.

He gives you a deadpan look, before he placed a single straw of hay in between his teeth.

"Weirdo."

"Yeah, but I'm your weirdo, buddy,"

"Whatever ya say, Anon," he said, likely as he asked himself why even bothered to hang out with you, "ya pumped for tonight?"

"Of coursh!" you proclaimed with a slight lisp like a certain mask wearing big guy would.

"Could ya help me with these apples so we can get out of here quicker?"

"Sure bro."

You grabbed a couple bins and left the rest to your compadre, before you made your way back to the barn with your homie right behind you.

As the two of you ditched your load in the barn for you to sort when you eventually got back to working, Big Mac's big-booty-toting sister trotted in.

"Howdy Big Mac! Ya finished for the day?"

"Eeyup," he responded as the two of you turn towards her.

"Good ta hear. You and Anon gonna go do something?"

"Eeyup."

"So what are ya guys gonna do?"

"Oh, you know," you spoke up, helping out your reserved friend, "go to the Salty Sailor with Lyra, get wasted, cause some bar fights, and engage in debauchery with some young, promiscuous mares. Typical Saturday night."

"Sounds like ya guys have a pretty decent evening ahead of ya," Applejack said with a grin, "mind if Ah tag along? Ah’ve been Feelin’ a bit cooped up, ya know?"

"Ah don't know AJ... trouble just loves to find us..." Big Mac warned.

The mare pouted. "Ah'm a grown mare, Ah don't need ya babying me. Ah can handle myself."

"She'll be fine, homie," you assured your bro, "until I drink her under a table, that is."

The mare regarded you with a smirk. "Is that a challenge?"

You returned the smirk. "Maybe."

"Ya don't know what yer gettin' yerself into, Anon," she said, "Ah'll catch ya two there."

With that, she made her exit.

You bit into your bottom lip as your watched her go. God damn! That booty was something that deserved to be worshipped. It was basically perfect in every way, after years of toning from her work on the farm.

One day, you would conquer that booty. You promised yourself this. You've seen, felt, and fucked many booties, but that's the booty you'd gladly spend the rest of your life with.

"Uh... Anon," Big Mac spoke up, interrupting your fantasies of growing old with Applejack's ass, "are ya staring at mah sister's ass?"

You looked at the red stallion like a certain balding, baseball bat wielding comedian. "Nigga, who doesn't stare at that ass?"

You and your bro hung around the farm while you waited for the evening to come around, drinking a shit ton of cider and putting your creative minds together to create an official 2014 Ponyville Booty Power Ranking list.

"Anon, why is mah sister number one on this?"

"Shut up, we're in the middle of a time skip bro."

"A what?"

As the two of you put the finishing touches on the official 2014 Ponyville Booty Power Ranking list, you glanced out the window and noticed that the sun had began to set, a signal that the day was coming to an end.

!

"OH SHIT!"

You launched up from your seat like a crazy loonatic, which earned a confused look from your bro.

"What?"

"IT'S TIME!"

Big Mac glanced over to a nearby clock, before he turned his gaze back to you and calmly nodded.

"Eeyup."

You ran towards the door and did a front flip through it. You narrowly avoided crushing Applebloom as she wandered in... only to land face first like a dumbass.

“Hey AB,” you greeted the filly as you looked up to her from your position on the ground, “you decide take my advice?”

“Well… uh…” she began as she shuffled around awkwardly, “Ah tried to get a tattoo, but they told me Ah was too young.”

“Bullshit!” you bellowed as you rose up from the dirt, “go in there, lay your balls out on the table, and tell them to do it.”

“But Anon, Ah don’t have any balls!”

“Not with that attitude you don’t.”

You patted the small filly on the head and walk past her.

...only to stop in your steps.

She failed you...

This bitch needed to learn a lesson.

“HEY APPLEBUTT!”

She turned towards you, and you flipped her off. She grimaced and turned back away to leave.

“No, no, I’m just kidding, c’mere, AB.”

As the filly turned back around, you jumped back, grabbed your crotch, and thrusted your hips forward.

“HEEEEEEEEE!”

Apple Bloom’s eyes widened in shock as you span in place and began to bust a move, Micheal Jackson style.

You danced like a skilled monkey for a good five minutes, as you dazzled the small filly with a flurry of moonwalking, pelvic thrusts, spins, and flips.

Damn you’re good.

You stopped and wiped the sweat from your forehead, before you pointed to the filly. “You just got served!”

The filly’s smug expression turned to one of horror as she took in these words. As her lips quivered and her eyes began to water, you turned away from the crying filly and faced your bro.

“You ready to get out of here, bro?”

“Eeyup.”

“Let’s fucking roll.”

You jumped onto your bro’s back, pointing in the general direction of Ponyville. “Onwards, my steed!”

Big Mac looked back at you, his face displaying a mixture of anger, shock, and confusion. “...Anon, mind telling me why you’re on mah back?”

You laughed at his reaction, much to his dismay. “Cuz I’m the one who’s always dragging your drunk ass home. Now… FORWARD!”

“Get off me, Anon.”

“Ugh... fine! God, you’re no fun.”

After much dicking around, you and your compadre finally made it to Lyra’s apartment.

There was much rejoicing.

As it so happened, her apartment happened to be right next to yours. For some reason, you always forget the two of you are neighbors.

Probably because rampant drinking kills brain cells.

You knocked on the door and casually stood back as you waited for the mare to answer.

“Who's that knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door?” you heard Lyra call from the other side of the door.

“I just said that this morning, you crazy bitch!”

The door unlocked, and the aquamarine unicorn mare exited her tiny apartment with a goofy grin on her face.

“WAAAAAAAZZUUUUUUUUUUP?!” she exclaimed.

“WAAAAAAAAAAAZZUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP?!” you responded in kind, before you gave your female bro a bro bump.

Satisfied with your greeting, she turned towards Big Mac. “Yo, how ya doing Mac?”

“Fine.”

“You pumped for tonight?”

“Eeyup.”

“You’re certainly very talkative tonight,” she commented as she slung a hoof around the stallion’s neck, “aren’t ya?”

Big Mac sent a glare the mare’s way. “Ever get tired of busting mah balls, Lyra?”

“Nah,” she responded as she shook her head, “not really.”

The red stallion’s glare faded and morphed into a grin. “Ya done?”

“Yeah, just about. Let’s get the fuck out of here.”

The three of you left behind the apartment complex and began to make your way into town. As you and your comrades strutted your stuff through Ponyville, you found yourself engaged in an intellectual debate with the one mare in your party. A debate that would surely go down in history as the greatest debate of all time.

“I’m telling you, Twilight’s clearly the kinkiest princess. Those librarian’s are always into kinky shit because they’re so pent up.”

“Bullshit. Twilight might be a pent up virgin, but Cadance is the Princess of LOVE. I would think the Princess of Love would know how to please a stallion.”

“That may be true, but you can’t beat a mare who spends a decent portion of her time reading erotic novels and watching porn for ‘studying purposes’.”

“LOVE DUDE, LOVE!”

You rolled your eyes and glanced over to Big Mac. “You got anything to add to this?”

He looked at you with a raised brow, before he shook his head.

“Come on, bro, I know you have something you can throw in.”

“Well…” he began to say, “Ah have ta say yer both wrong. Truly, the kinkiest princess title belongs ta Princess Luna.”

“...how do you figure that?” Lyra asked.

“Experience,” he answered simply.

Oh yeah, Big Mac gets around. It’s like he swam around in some toxic waste that gave him ultra pimpin’ powers. There wasn’t a single mare out there that wouldn’t fall for him.

Including princesses.

“Alright man, I’ll bite,” you spoke up, “how was it?”

“She’s a fan of tentacles,” he answered with a shudder.

“Dude, is your ass okay?” the aquamarine unicorn inquired.

“Eeyup… it was just really slimey…”

“Was the ass fat?” you asked.

“The ass was fat,” Big Mac responded with a nod, “greatest flank Ah’ve had the pleasure of sharing a bed with.”

“...not as good as your sister’s ass, though.”

“Anon, Ah swear ta-”

“Oh yeah, dude,” Lyra suddenly jumped in on the action, “Bro, Applejack’s ass is so fucking cash.”

“Fuck, I’ve seen some asses in my day, and her ass is like a piece of art. Great tone, great hips, and she’s got that hip sway that just makes you wanna sit back and watch that ass all day long. Unf.”

“It’s the perfect ass,” the mare said with a sagely nod.

“I want to use Applejack’s ass as a pillow and take a nap,” you state.

“I want beat on her ass like a set of drums.”

“I want to cum inside-”

“Guys, could ya stop talking about mah sister like that?”

The two of you fell silent due to Mr. No Fun Allowed.

For like two seconds.

"Applejack's ass though," you commented.

"Unf," Lyra replied.

"UNF!"

"UNF!"

"UNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNF!"

"Dear Celestia... come on guys, how would ya'll feel if I talked about your sister's ass in front of ya?"

"Meh, I wouldn't care."

"I have a sister?"

"...just... please?"

“Fine… but only because we’re here,” you say as the three of you approach the Salty Sailor, “we can continue this based-tier conversation when we get some booze in our system.”

Big Mac rolled his eyes and decided to just drop it, having figured it wasn’t worth the effort.

The three of you filed into the bar, ready for all of the heavy drinking, bar fights, and drunken sexual deviance that would soon follow.

It was just another Saturday night here in Ponyville.

Chapter II: Introductions, Part II

You and your companions quickly made your way over to the bar and grabbed your seats.

"Ayyy," the bartender greeted you as the three of you sat, being a fellow follower of the Fonz just like you.

"Sup Salty? How's business?" you inquired as you returned the greeting.

"Same as always. Fucking greedy merchants are up my ass about some non-existent debts and trying to ruin everyone's fun."

“Those mother fuckers…” Lyra grumbled under her breath.

“Sucks bro,” you commented.

"Good thing the mayor is a regular here," he said as he pointed out a grey-maned mare that sat down the bar from you, who was piss drunk and passed out, “But enough about those big snouted greedy bastards, what are you guys going to be up to tonight?”

“The same thing we do every saturday night, Salty,” you responded, “trying to take over the world."

“He means we’re gonna get wasted,” Big Mac spoke up.

“And fuck bitches,” Lyra added.

“Fuck yeah! We’re gonna get turnt the fuck up!” you declared.

“FUCK YEAH!”

“Eeyup!”

Several fist and hoof bumps were shared between the trio as Salty looked on with a mix of both amusement and disgust.

“So, what can I get you guys?”

“I dunno, whatever the readers imagine us drinking. As long as it isn’t weak shit.”

“I don’t know if the audience would be able to think of something that’d be able to match your alcoholic desires, Anon,” Lyra pointed out.

“Fuck!”

Luckily, that wasn’t the case. With some effort, the three amigos managed to down enough alcohol to get sufficiently shitfaced.

This, of course, lead to some interesting conversation.

“Honestly dude…” you began to say, your hand waving absentmindedly in the air, “the most important thing in the universe - to any person who isn’t a complete scrublord that is - is…”

You paused and glanced over to the red stallion beside you, who just stared at his glass of who knows what.

“Hey, are you even listening to me, bro?”

He looked up from his glass and glanced over to you. “Huh?”

“I said, are you even listening to me?”

“Eeyup.”

“So, do you know what it is?”

“Um… is it the heart… or apples?”

“Geez,” you muttered, “you don’t understand a thing, you tree kicking fuck.”

Before he could respond, you continued on. “It’s the behind, the flank, the ass, you dig? Guys don’t realize the charm of the behind are those who are at the kindergarten level.”

You leaned against the bar and slammed your fist against it. “It’s time the ass gets the respect it deserves.”

Big Mac gave you a look. “We don’t need to always talk about da booty, Anon.”

“Psssh… I can’t help that I’m a slave to the booty, bro. Your sister’s booty especially.”

“...we could always talk about boobies.”

“Dude, horse boobs are tiny as hell and boring. But horse ass on the other hand… fuck dude, I honestly haven’t seen any bad ass since I got here.”

Your bro remained silent for a few moments, before looking at your with a raised brow. “So… ya haven’t heard of Milky Way?”

You blinked. “Milky Way?”

The stallion gave you a look. “Filthy casual. How have ya not heard of Milky Way? She’s all over the Ponynet.”

“Why do you guys name everything after ponies?”

“Don'tcha try ta change the subject on me.”

“Dear Celestia, don’t you two talk about anything but ass?” Lyra hiccupped as she finished her fifth consecutive cider. She eyed the two boys with a harsh look. “There’s more to a mare than an ass or a set of tits. You have to take account of other lovely things. Like personality.” As she said this, she placed a hoof on her chest and raised her nose in the air.

You and Big Mac just glanced at each other, giving equal glances of what-the-fuck-ery. As soon as you had looked back at her, though, the mare began cracking up with a deep, snorting laugh.

“Hahaha, who the fuck am I kidding. You can’t fuck a personality! Am I right or am I right, boys? Let’s drink to it!”

With a chorus of “Ayy’s!” you all tilted back and obliterated the remainder of what was in your glasses.

“Mm, speaking of asses,” Lyra said as she wiped her muzzle clean, “who the hell wants to go to Canterlot tonight?”

“Canterlot? Pssh…” Big Mac rolled his eyes.

“You trying to say something, big guy?” Lyra demanded with a glare.

“Ah know a much better place than Canterlot. Something underground, exclusive, loads of fun. All the booze and loose ponies ya could ever want.”

You shot the stallion a questioning glance. “Why haven’t you brought this place up before?”

He shrugged. “Nopony asked.”

“Shit, I think you’re onto something, bro. Anything else special about this place?”

“Well… Ah know a mare there that’ll do anything for twenty bits,” he leaned in and whispered, “Anything.”

“Welp,” you said as you slammed your hand on the table, “I’m sold! When do we start?”

“Woah woah woah,” you heard a voice say from behind you. Turning around, you noticed that Applejack moseyed up to the bar, a moderately sized cider in her grip. She pulled up a stool and sat her plump rump behind down.

You noticed your pants tightened ever so violently as she joined your group at the bar.

Dat booty tho.

“What’s this Ah hear about an underground club?” she sipped at her cider and raised her eyebrows, eyeing the gang one by one.

“Apparently, Mac here can get us into an underground club. You should totally go clubbing with us!” Lyra exclaimed as she turned back around after ordering two more beers.

“Clubbing? Like the thing ya do with seals?” she asked with an eyebrow raised, “Isn’t that illegal?” Applejack looked about cautiously, before she leaned in and whispered as loud as the bar din would allow, “Ah went fruit bat clubbing once. It was amazing. But don’t tell anypony Ah said that.”

“No, dude. Clubbing, like a night club. With loud music, probably drugs, and lots of booze. Oh, and a ton of ponies looking to hook up.”

AJ scratched at her chin for a moment.

“Hmmm...”

“Yo, fuck this!” you declared as you downed the rest of your drink, not wanting to wait on the others to come to decision, “fuck all this thinking shit. Let’s just go fucking do it, man.” You rose from the bar, “Assemble, faggots, the night’s wasting away. Let’s go do something exciting!”

“Hell ya, Anon,” Big Mac rose with you, before he brought you into a drunken brohug.

“HEY BRUH’S, LET ME GET IN ON THAT SHIT!” Lyra said as she downed the rest of her cider and hopped up from her stool, before she joined in on the brohug, “I’m in, by the way.”

You looked over to the orange mare still at the bar. “So Applejack, you in, or what?”

“Eh, what the hay?” Applejack said with a shrug as she got up from her stool, “Ah suppose Ah’ll tag along with you guys.”

APPLEJACK HAS JOINED YOUR PARTY!

As this announcement rang throughout the bar, you stared at the mare expectantly, who just stood there awkwardly in response.

“Uhh…”

“He wants you to get into the brohug, bruh,” Lyra pointed out.

“Join us, Applejack. Make us whole,” you stated as you beckoned the mare towards the three of you.

She shrugged and approached the three of you, before joining your embrace.

“One of us,” you whispered.

Several seconds into the brohug, she suddenly flinched. “H-hey, who touched my flank?!”

“Totally wasn’t me,” you lied, “it was probably Lyra.”

“Yeah, it was probably me.”

You stared at the unicorn, and your bro sense connected in a split second of understanding.

“Brah.”

“Bruh.”

“Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.”

“Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh.”

“What are they doing?” Applejack asked her older brother.

“Shush,” he hushed her, before he joined in, “Brooooooooooooooo.”

“Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.”

“Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh.”

“Brooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.”

“Can we go now please?” Applejack inquired, suddenly becoming very worried for her mental health.

“Yeah, I think we’re done here,’ you responded.

“THE BRO RITUAL IS COMPLETE, IT’S TIME TO BRO DOWN!” Lyra announced, before the four of you broke up and made your way to the exit.

“HEY!” you heard Salty call out from the bar, “WHO’S PICKING UP THE TAB!?”

“Send it to the princesses, they pay for all my shit!” you shouted back.

The bar keep shrugged. “Whatever man, as long as I get my bits.”

Princess Luna sat at her throne, having just started her nightly duties, allowing her sister to get some well deserved rest.

Unlike her sister’s daily duties, however, her nightly duties mainly involved her sitting around on her ass drinking tea and the occasional spiked coffee. Except for the occasional monster hunt and drug addict looking for somebody to rant to at 3 AM, basically nothing happened at night.

Well… there was one thing that did always happen at night…

A piece of parchment popped into existence before the princess of the night, which she caught with her telekinesis. She opened the scroll, and quickly examined the contents.

It was a bill. More specifically, an unpaid tab from everypony’s favorite human, Anonymous, that was being left to Equestria’s taxpayers to pay.

She shrugged and approved it for payment. She didn’t quite understand why Celestia had the Equestrian taxpayers pay for every single bill the human immigrants had sent to them, but that was none of her business.

Besides, Anonymous was pretty bro-tier.

“Dude, this is so fucking boring,” Lyra moaned as Big Mac lead you and the rest of your party through the streets of the Ponyville downtown area.

“Cut it with the whining, sweetheart,” Applejack responded, shooting the unicorn a glare.

Lyra lowered her head. “This sucks…”

You glanced over to the mare. “Well… I guess sometimes you’re better off dead...”

She met your gaze and gave you that look, knowing full well what you were trying to do. “There’s a gun in your hand and it’s pointing at your head-”

“You think you’re mad, too unstable-” you sang along with the mare.

“Kicking in chairs and kicking down tables-”

“In a restaurant in a West End town-”

“Call the police, there’s a madman around-”

“Running down underground to a dive bar-”

“In a west end town!”

“IN A WEST END TOWN, A DEAD END WORLD,” the two of you sang together, “THE EAST END BOYS AND WEST END GIRLS-”

“We’re here,” Big Mac announced, which brought an abrupt end to your musical number.

You glanced around, and found yourself in front of Ponyville’s town hall, much to your confusion.

“Yo, you sure?” you inquired, “A government building doesn’t seem like the place for an underground club.”

“Ya’d be shocked, Anon,” he responded as he approached the building, before he knocked on the wall.

Actually, his knocks turned into a really catchy beat.

“Yo, dude, was that Funky Town?” you inquired.

“Shush.”

“Dude, that was totally Funky Town,” Lyra confirmed.

“Fuck yeah, man. Love that song.”

“Keep it down, guys, Ah-”

The wall shifted, immediately shutting up the red stallion. The wall rolled back, revealing a large doorway, guarded by a particularly large stallion.

“Yo, Big Mac, didn’t expect to see you here, normally you call in before you show up,” the bouncer said to your bro, “you here for business or pleasure?”

“Pleasure.”

The large stallion now noticed the rest of you standing behind Big Mac.

You flashed him a shiteating grin and a thumbs up, an action Lyra tried to replicate, only to remember she had no thumbs.

“Uhh…” he began, giving the red stallion an incredulous look, “you don’t get to bring friends.”

“They ain’t mah friends,” he responded, “they’re mah bros.”

Applejack cleared throat behind her brother, annoyed.

“...and sister…”

The bouncer nodded. “No bros left behind, Big Mac. The first commandment of the Bro Code.”

The red stallion hung his head. “Alright guys, Ah guess-”

“Hence why I’m letting you in, you idiot,” the big stallion said as he rolled his eyes, “it was kinda obvious that’s where I was going. Oh, and don’t worry, no charge for them.”

Big Mac nodded and pushed in past the bouncer, waving the rest of you to follow. After you tipped the bouncer (but not too much, because you knew you needed to keep the poor poor) and clapped in light of recent events, you followed your bro inside, the rest of your party close behind.

As your party entered the club, your eardrums were nearly blown the fuck out by the sheer volume of the music.

Smashing.

“Ayy Big Mac!” you heard a voice call out over the loud club music.

You looked for the source of the voice, and spotted a white mare with a mane of varying shades of blue trotting your way.

You didn’t know why, but she struck you as overhyped.

The two of them flashed each other a series of what appeared to be gang signs before they embraced each other.

“Yo dude, good to see you again,” the mare chirped as she broke away from him.

“Eeyup.”

“Are these your friends?” she asked, motioning over to the rest of you.

“Eeyup.”

“Yooo!” she greeted as she approached you, “I’m Vinyl, nice to meet you guys.”

“Vinyl? You mean like DJ PON-3?” you inquired.

“Guilty as charged!”

Your suspicions of her being overhyped were just confirmed.

“Damn, I love your shit!” you lied.

“Yo, thanks man,” she said with a smile, before turning back Big Mac, “yo dude, my college roommate’s at the bar. You should totally go buy her a drink or something.”

“Ah dunno… kinda came here to hang out with mah bros.”

“Nah man,” you spoke up, “go get some booty. We’ll go hit the dance floor and meet you at the bar. Besides, dancing was never really your thing anyways.”

“But-”

“Dude, seriously?” Lyra asked, “Go get some. It’d go against the Bro Code if we cockblocked you.”

“But so would choosing hoes over bros,” he pointed out.

“That only applies when we don’t give you permission, bro,” you retorted, “you’re good to go, brah.”

“Alright…” the red stallion looked over to his sister, “ya wanna chime in?”

Applejack shook her head. “Nah, it isn’t my place,” she responded, “besides, Anon and Lyra here can keep me company.”

“Yeah man, I can take care of Lyra and your sister here,” you said as you wrapped an arm around the orange mare and shot your bro a toothy grin.

He shrugged. “Alright guys, if ya insist. Just don’t get in any trouble, ya hear?”

“Awesome!” Vinyl cheered, “Come on dude, I’ll introduce you to her.”

She grabbed your bro and pulled him away, leaving only you, Lyra, and Applejack.

Oh well, it was good to be the center of attention once more.

“Yo… Anon…” you heard Lyra whisper to you, which managed to be loud enough to be able to hear over the music, somehow.

“Sup?”

“What was with that little fangirl impression back there?” she asked as she gave you a look, “you and I both know you hate her music.”

“Because that booty game is easily the best in the room, brah,” you replied.

“But the Official 2014 Ponyville Booty Power Ranking says that-”

“I KNOW WHAT IT SAYS, brah, but I can’t outright speak the truth in from of present company, can I?”

“Nah, Ah don’t mind,” Applejack said, weaseling her way into the conversation, “what are ya’ll discussin’?”

“Who would win in a fight between Mr. Rogers and Jesus,” you replied quickly, dodging the bullet. Lyra nodded in approval in response to your quick thinking.

“Now that there is an interesting one…” she said as she rubbed her chin in thought, “Ah mean, Mr. Rogers is a secret badass, but would it be enough ta take on Jesus’s kung-fu grip action? Ah dunno Anon, but it keeps me up at night…”

You blinked as you looked at the orange earth pony like the first time you gazed upon her glorious ass.

She caught your stare, and examined you with an inquisitive glance. “Anon, are ya-”

“Can I, like, marry you or something?” you blurted out.

You instinctively reached for your pockets, expecting spaghetti to be flowing freely out of them.

“Ah beg your pardon?”

“Smooth,” Lyra commented, a smirk across her face.

“Nothing. Sorry, you just said something really awesome.”

She giggled. “Shucks Anon, yer gonna make me blush.”

You caught Lyra silently clapping out of the corner of your eye in response to your recovery. You’re starting to feel like you’re in the Matrix with all the bullets you’re dodging.

Maybe you were.

“How can mirrors be real if our eyes aren’t real?” you blurted out.

“What?” the country mare inquired.

You’re pretty sure marinara was flowing steadily from your pockets now. Not even a steady supply of garlic bread could mop up this mess.

Thinking on your feet, you quickly corrected yourself. “I said, are you into dancing?”

Smooth.

“Are ya asking me to dance, Anon?”

“My name’s Neo,” you corrected her, voice grim.

“Huh?”

“Sorry, just fucking with you.”

Sweatingman.jpg

“Yer a strange one, Anon.”

“Yeah, I get that a lot.”

“Ya didn’t answer my question.”

“Oh yeah… yeah, I guess I am asking you to dance. But I have one question for you first…”

“What’s that?”

“Do you know how to safety dance?”

“Of course Ah do… though it really isn’t that safe…”

“What’s life without a little risk?”

You grabbed the two mares and pulled them onto the dance floor. As you pushed through the crowd, you waved over to the DJ. He waved back, before he replaced the current vinyl with a new one.

Soon after, Safety Dance began to play.

“Anon, how the hell did ya manage to set that up? You were standing there the whole time.”

“In the Matrix, anything is possible,” you replied sternly.

“What?”

“DANCE BITCH!”

Utilizing the skills that were blessed upon you by Michael Jackson, the Patron Saint of Dance, you began to do the Safety Dance. Your two companions attempted to keep up with your flurry of movements, but they were truly no match for your expert dance skills.

“We can dance if we want to!” you sang along to the lyrics as you danced.

“We can leave your friends behind!” Lyra chimed in.

“Cuz yer friends don’t dance and if they don’t dance-” Applejack sang with that adorable accent of hers.

“Well they’re no friends of mine!” you finished.

“Yo, dude, I just got a sudden case of deja vu,” Lyra commented.

“Considering how lazy and uncreative the writer is, this scene was probably stolen from an earlier work,” you pointed out.

“Wouldn’t surprise me.”

The three of you continued to dance drunkenly to your heart’s content throughout the night. With your combined efforts, you managed to dazzle the entire dance floor. Ponies even cheered you and your merry band of faggots on at times.

Damn, it’s felt good to be gangster.

“Yo guys, I’m getting kinda tired of dancing,” Lyra spoke up, “wanna hit the bar?”

This was, of course, blasphemy. It was written down in the Fonz Bible’s Book of Ayy that anybody who dared interrupt the dancing of an individual blessed by the Patron Saint of Dance before he/she was finished was to be struck down on the spot.

However, while the Book of Ayy is a holy and sacred text, there was no text more holy and sacred than the Bro Code. The Bro Code conflicted with this, because if a bro asked you to do something, you were supposed to agree to it, or at least politely deny it if the favor was not within your tastes or an impossible task for you.

Besides, you’d gladly sin for your bro regardless.

“Sure brah, I’m starting to sober up anyways,” you answered.

As you began to make your way off the dance floor, you felt something brush up against your side. You glanced down and spotted Applejack at your side, looking up at you with a smirk.

“Ya still have yet ta drink me under a table, pardner.”

“If you feel like dying of alcohol poisoning, you’re welcome to try to beat me.”

Applejack hmphed. “Were it so easy, Anon.”

You and your companions moseyed your way over to bar. As you closed in on the bar, you spotted Big Mac sitting on his lonesome.

You hopped on the stool next to him and slapped him on the back. “Sup brah?”

“Nothin’ much, Anon,” he replied, morose.

“Where’s the mare?”

“Bathroom.”

Applejack hopped on the stool beside yours, much to Lyra’s annoyance. “Anon, Ah’m callin’ ya out.”

“Oh?”

“Yah. Ah think yer all talk, sugarcube. Ya’ve been talkin’ big all evenin’, but ya’ve yet ta actually drink me under a table like ya said ya would yet.”

“Maybe because I don’t want somebody to get alcohol poisoning just because they’re prideful.”

“Yer underestimating me, Anon.”

“Am I?”

“Ya sure are.”

You gave the mare a look, before you slammed your fist down on the bar.

“Yo! Bartender!”

The stallion who was manning the bar made his way over to you.

“What can I get you?”

“Two shots of bourbon, single tab, keep it coming.”

“Right away.”

“About time ya showed some balls, Anon,” she commented with a smirk as she watched the bartender pour out a couple shots of bourbon.

“I showed plenty to you this morning,” you retorted.

“Touche.”

The two of you simultaneously drank down the liquid inside your shot glasses, before placing the down on the bar. The bartender did his job well, refilling both shot glasses immediately.

You made a mental note to tip him fifty percent like a real American hero.

“I hope you’re ready for a night in the hospital,” you commented to the country mare, “you’re going to need your stomach pumped after this.”

“Right back ta ya, Anon.”

You eventually lost count of just how shot glasses you have downed in the past… well, you lost track of how long this has been going on as well. At this point, you didn’t even care, you just wanted to see Applejack give up.

Sadly, she just wouldn’t quit. She actually managed to keep up with you quite well.

The two of you downed yet another round of shots and placed the glasses back down on the table.

“Don’t you guys think you’ve had enough?” the bartender asked.

“No!” you both shouted in unison.

He shrugged as he poured out another round. “Whatever, I’m not the one paying for your medical bills.”

You looked over to the mare beside you. This was going nowhere, just getting you more and more drunk. While there was nothing wrong with this, it wasn’t yielding you any results.

You needed to ask yourself… what would Black Jesus do in this situation?

Probably shoot hoops or something to do with big booty hoes, now that you thought of it. You didn’t really see how-

Of course! The answer was so obvious!

“Yo, Applejack,” you slurred out, “did I ever tell you that you have a really nice ass?”

She hiccuped. “Nah.”

“Well you do.”

She chuckled. “Thank ya kindly, Anon. Your posterior isn’t half bad either.”

“Haha, yeah.”

Wait, what?

“Wait, what?”

The mare didn’t respond. You glanced towards her and found Applejack slumped over the bar, snoozing lightly.

“Huh, I guess I win.”

You mentally high fived yourself, before turning towards your bro. “That chick come back yet?”

He shook his head no.

“Damn shame, brah.”

“Eeyup.”

As these words left Big Mac’s mouth, the nearby mare’s restroom doors flung open, and out stumbled a gray, black maned mare. She snuffled a hoof under her nose violently as she moseyed over to the bar.

She hopped up to the stool beside and flashed your bro a toothy grin. “Hey babe.”

“Ya took a long time,” he commented as he took a drink like he didn’t give a fuck.

“Well, I had a lot of blow,” she snapped back at him, before she shot a glance over to you. Her eyes rolled up and down you as she eyed you like a piece of particularly well-marinated meat. You felt a slight tingle in your groin at the gesture.

“So who’s your friend, baby?”

Big mac put his drink down and wiped his mouth. “This here’s mah bro.”

You felt your inner alpha pulsating inside you as you extended your hand out to the mare.

“My name is Anonymous, but you can call me Anon, baby,” you said as you took the mare’s hoof in your grasp. She shook it slightly, and giggled a little at your debonair attitude. “You a local around here?”

“Oh, no. I just moved here. I’m living with Vinyl.”

You barely caught what she was saying, though. Between her fantastic hip-to-flank-ratio, that elusively seductive british accent, the copious amounts of alcohol that flowed through your liver, and the fact you were pretty sure there was a tiny dragon dancing on the bar in front of the three of you. You were barely paying attention to the words coming out of her mouth as you fought to control the raging erection in your pants.

“...And I really can’t say how that got stuck in there. But I digress. Can I buy you two a drink, darlings?”

“Huh? Oh, oh yeah. of course you can, baby,” you cracked a toothy grin as the mare indicated the order to the barkeep.

“My name is Octavia, by the way,” her smile elicited yet another throb from your crotch, “but you can call me tonight’s lay.” She batted her eyelashes seductively at you as you practically willed your pants not to rip into shreds.

“Ehxcuse me, but Ah though Ah was your date tonight, miss,” Big mac said vehemently over the gray mare’s shoulder.

She cocked an eyebrow at the stallion.

“Of course you are, silly. But I want both of you tonight. Am I understood?”

“No,” Lyra responded as she penetrated her way into the conversation.

“I want the big guy and the hairless monkey here to double team me,” she explained, pointing a hoof to you, Big Mac, and her crotch. “It’s not that hard to understand.”

“I know, I was just being ironic.”

“Right,” Octavia said as she rolled her eyes a little bit, before she glanced back to the two of you, “so, what do you say boys?” She cocked an eyebrow at the two of you.

Big Mac, with an eyebrow raised, glanced at you with a look of pure bro understanding.

It was a look you had never before seen in your life, but you knew it perfectly well regardless. It was a glance that held a million words, but only one true meaning. You knew what this meant. You were ready for this. You had trained your whole life to be the ultimate bro.

Big Mac’s gesture was clear. And you knew you wouldn't let him down.

You gave him a nod that emphasized your devotion to the Bro Code. Regardless of how weird it might get, you would catch a bullet to help this stallion get some.

‘It’s not gay if it’s in a threeway’, was all that the nod said. And it was all that needed to be said.

She smiled as the drinks came up, before she handed each one to its respective owner and winked at the pair. “Bottoms up, boys.”

You tipped the drink up to your lips letting the cold, bitter liquid wash your sorrows into the abyss. But, the liquor tasted… off. With a firm hoof, though, you felt as Octavia pushed at the bottom of your glass, forcing you to drink down to the last drop. It would have been kind of hot if you weren’t already about to choke on the harsh mixture.

You immediately realized why the liquor tasted the way it did as you gulped it down, and from the looks of it, so did your bro.

“Dude, you totally drugged this, didn’t you?” you asked the gray mare with a hiccup.

“W-what?!” she responded, immediately going on the defensive, “No I didn’t! I didn’t even touch your drink. The bartender made them.”

“Don’t bullshit me, man. I know what roofies taste like. One of the many things you do as a member of the Church of the Fonz and a follower of the Bro Code is build up an immunity to roofies by ingesting it.”

She just stared blankly at you, likely unable to comprehend what you just said.

“Now come on,” you said as you hopped off your stool, “let’s go drop off these two at my place so they can sleep off their drunkenness while we engage in debauchery at your place.”

“Aw!” Lyra moaned, as she clearly didn’t want the night to be over yet.

Octavia remained silent as she responded with a mere nod.

Frankly, the way she had began to act crept you out, but that booty game was off the charts. It would definitely qualify as at least number seven on next years edition of the official Ponyville Booty Power Rankings, or even as high as number four.

You shrugged it off and decided that ass was worth it, even if sticking your dick in a crazy bitch was a terrible idea. You grabbed the passed out country mare and slung her over your shoulder, before you began to make your way out of the club.

“Have a good time, guys~” you heard Vinyl call out to your party as you left the building.

“DP, DP!” you, Big Mac, and Lyra sang together, “GOOD FOR YOU, GOOD FOR ME!”

Your party decided to take a shortcut through the dark, spooky alley that lead right to your apartment complex. Ordinarily, you’d avoid this place because you were sure that there were some skeletons lying in wait to ambush and spook you to death, but that booty game was ridiculous enough to risk it.

“Keep an eye out for traps,” you warned your party as you kept your eyes peeled, knowing death was likely just seconds away.

“Wait, I thought everybody who lurked on Ponychan is into traps?” Lyra asked with a raised brow.

“Fuck off back to your shit-tier random board, bro,” you growled at her.

As the three of you glanced about for traps and spooky skeletons in an empty alley way like perfectly sane individuals, you failed to notice Octavia fall behind you and grab a large piece of rubble from a nearby trash can.

Before you knew what was happening, you were on the ground, your head pulsating with pain. You glanced at Applejack, who had fallen to your side when you were hit, before looking up to where you bros were as you faded in and out of consciousness.

Everything seemed like it was moving in slow motion. Your senses heightened as you felt warm blood trickling from your head and unto the cold cobblestone road.

Big Mac looked at where you had fallen and had just began to react, only to receive a blow to the back of the head like you assumed you did. His body fell to the ground like a mighty tree, giving a heavy thump as he impacted.

Lyra looked on in utter shock, unable to fight or flee. She moved her mouth to either speak or shriek, only to suffer the same fate as Big Mac. The blow knocked her off her hooves. Her eyes rolled back into her head as she collapsed.

Applejack did nothing because she passed out drunk about two feet away. What a bro...

As your vision blurred between reality and darkness, you could make out Octavia closing on your party, all of you helpless to stop her in your current states.

‘Never stick your dick in a crazy bitch’, you made as a mental note before everything faded to black.

‘Never...’

Chapter III: Introductions, Part III

Don't forget to vote at the end of the chapter.

"Yo, bro, you aight?"

Big Mac glanced your way and responded with a nod. "Eeyup."

"Know how we got in here?"

"Eenope."

"Fuck."

You leaned back in your chair, heaving out an exasperated sigh. To think, you could be at home getting drunk off your ass and watching hardcore Germane dungeon porn right now.

!

The television before them suddenly flickered to life. Through the heavy static, you could make out the silhouette of a pony leering at the two of you.

"Would you like to play a game?" the pony inquired in a raspy voice, sounding just like a stereotypical villain from an overrated b-list movie series.

“NO THANKS, BRO!” you exclaimed at the top of your lungs.

You pushed your legs against the ground and launched yourself up into the air, before the flimsy chair you were tied up in landed at a bad angle and collapsed under your weight.

Good thing you never skip leg day, because only plebs work out only their upper body.

Now freed from your bonds, you rose up off the ground made your way over to your bro.

“How you holding up?” you inquired as you started to work on untying his bounds.

“The back of mah head hurts…” he commented with a shrug.

“Yeah, you got knocked the fuck out, bro.”

“So did ya, Anon.”

“Bite me.”

You managed to undo the knot fairly quickly, which was relatively simple, considering the fact that hooves aren’t very good knot-tying implements. Go figure.

“Damn, this is too fucking easy,” you mumbled as you slapped your bro on the back and indicated it’s time to book it the fuck out of there. With hot heels (and hooves), you both turned in the direction of a long hall, yelling in retarded, exasperated joy.

‘This is way too easy,’ you thought to yourself, and just as soon as the thought fizzled out of your head, a cord ripped at your ankles and you felt the world fly up at you.

“Fuck!” you shouted as the hardwood floor came up at you. “Not the face!”

Big mac tumbled on top of you, and you groaned as stars spun around your vision. You heard the clop of hooves overhead, and with a groan, you turned to look up.

A menacing smile lit up in the dim light.

“That’s not how we play the game, silly. But something tells me this game will be much, much more fun,” the dark voice said, tinged with a british accent. As your anger boiled up, you felt Big Mac shift his weight and land a nice, heavy buck right into Octavia’s gut.

“Tha’s for tellin’ us we’re gonna get laid and then tryin’ to kidnap us, you fuckin’ bitch!” he said, before he calmly turned towards you, “let’s make like a tree and get the fuck outta here.”

Ignoring Octavia’s gurgling coughs, you picked yourself up off the floor and bolted down the hall, with your compadre close behind. At the end of the long hall, you see a door rimmed by a crack golden of light.

Freedom!

However, just as you grabbed for the door handle, you heard Big Mac shout behind you.

“Wait! Anon, AJ! And Lyra! We can’t leave mah sister behind. Or a bro,” he leered at you with a dark, determined glare, his blood-matted mane hanging in his face.

“...oh yeah, almost forgot about them.”

The Bro Code demanded no bro left behind, and you had to help your bro to find his sister, too.

Plus, that booty game was too ridiculous to leave behind.

“Let’s go get em, bro!” Big Mac declared as he threw a hoof into the air.

“FUCK YEAH, LET’S DO THIS SHIT, BRAH!”

You both stood there for a moment longer.

“So, uh… What do we do?” Big Mac said.

“Dunno. Maybe we should--”

!

You both flinched as the sound of a starting chainsaw echoed and screamed down the hall.

“OH SHIT, SHE’S SENDING PATRICK BATEMAN AFTER US!”

“What!?” Big Mac shouted, unable to get your reference. You merely rolled your eyes and called him a newfag under your breath.

Another ripping sound of the chainsaw broke you out of your stupor and you backed up to the door. “Look man, we gotta do something. Something… drastic.”

“That’s more yer department, Anon.”

“Oh yeah…”

As the sound of the chainsaw grew louder, closing in on your position, you quickly came up with a plan off the top of your head.

You unfastened your belt and unzipped your zipper, before you pulled your pants down to your ankles.

“...Anon, what are ya doin’?”

“Something drastic.”

In the gloom of the dark, you spotted Octavia as she stepped into the light, her eyes glowing as bright as her crooked smile. The chainsaw growled in her arms like an angry animal.

“Anon, WHAT ARE YA DOIN’?” Big Mac screamed as he tried to smash into the wall behind him even more.

You were cool though. A breath exited your body, and clarity focused itself in your mind.

You knew what to do.

“Trust me, bro, I’m a level five wizard. I got this.”

Vigorously, and with much gusto, you began spanking the half-chub that any normal male would have received from watching a really hot mare bare down on him with a deadly gardening implement.

As you reached terminal hardness, you stepped towards the crazy mare, your fist a blur at the sheer speed.

“Is this what you want!?” you shouted as you waddled with your pants around your ankles towards the pony, “Come and get it, bitch!”

With a grin, you realized your insanely stupid and probably mature-rated idea was working. A large grimace spread across Octavia’s face as she watched you waddle over to her, your President Johnson getting the full Air Force One treatment.

“What the fuck?!” she cried in british shock, backing away as you moved towards her. Finally, you closed in on her at the end of the hallway, about three feet away. She had lowered her chainsaw, which puttered in her hooves. Once you had gotten close enough, though, you began spinning your erection wildly.

“To impress a chick, do the helicopter dick! Helicopter diiiiiiiiiick!” you chortled.

With a shriek of pure horror, Octavia turned around and bolted across the long living room as you bunny hopped behind her.

“Go, Big Mac! I’ll scare her off, go find AJ and Lyra!” And with that, you plunged, dick-first, into the dark of the maniac’s house.

You wondered why she would have a massive male restroom in her house, but frankly, you weren’t one to give much of a fuck about stuff like that.

As you crept down the carpeted halls, you stroked yourself habitually, your other hand feeling along the wall for any sort of landmark.

“Aha,” you muttered to yourself, your free hand grasping for the door knob as your other held onto your own knob. With a creak, you tiptoed into the room, searching for a light switch. With a clack, the lights popped on and you saw a room full of urinals, obviously brand new and some even covered in sheets of plastic.

Dude, seriously, what with this bitch and urinals?

Better yet, why do ponies even have urinals? How would they even use them? It seemed like it’d be rather uncomfortable for a quadruped to use one.

You shook these thoughts away, as these were questions for a later time, and glanced about the room.

!

Amongst the piss ghosts, you spotted an aquamarine mare, who looked up at you. She took you in, then glanced down at erection, which you were still idly stroking.

She blinked, before a grin spread across her face.

“Aren’t you a little short for a stormtrooper?” she inquired.

“I think you mean; aren’t you a little fat for a stormtrooper?” you retorted.

“Haha… references…”

“Yeah…”

“...”

“...”

“NICE COCK, BRAH!”

“THANKS BRO!”

“WE REALLY GOTTA STOP MEETING LIKE THIS, BRAH!”

“YEAH, TELL ME ABOUT IT, BRO!”

“SO WE GONNA GET OUTTA HERE, OR WHAT, BROSEPH?!”

“FUCK YEAH, LET’S GET GOING, BROSEIDON!”

The two of you shared tight, bromantic embrace, which got kinda awkward when you stabbed Lyra in the stomach with your member. She just shrugged it off.

“Put that thing away.”

“I can’t, it’s my secret weapon. Against her.”

“Oh, you mean the psycho bitch? So did she fuck you guys or what?” You shook your head mournfully. Lyra shook along with you, face stern.

“A damn shame. I’d rail on that flank all night if I could. But the hot ones are always crazy brah... and besides, I like cock too much.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Woah dude, I didn’t know you were a fag.”

“What? Oh... fuck you.”

The sudden rattling sound of a chainsaw starting up again took your attention.

“Let’s go!” you shouted, grabbing Lyra’s hoof. With a shout of surprise, she galloped up behind you as you ran out the door.

“H-hey, buy me a drink first, will ya?!” Lyra called out from behind you, her hoof still held tightly in your grasp.

“Now’s not the time!”

Back in the hallway, you heard the rattling chainsaw roaring behind you both.

“I’m going to snap that dick of yours off and deep freeze it so I can enjoy it on a hot summer’s day, fuckface!” Octavia’s shrill scream rang out.

“Dude, what in the fuck?” Lyra questioned, suppressing both a laugh and a slight shout of fear.

“Fuck. So much for Operation Yankee-Doodle Dandy. Let’s go, bro!” You wrangled up your pants, tucking your boner in the waistband and cinching down your belt, “Cheeze it!”

The two of you skedaddled away from the terrifying noise, rushing past the dark and into the cold static light of the first room.

“Where’s Big Mac and AJ?” Lyra inquired, raising an eyebrow at the tv in the corner of the room amongst even more urinals. She mouthed a big “What the fuck?”

“Dunno, he’s probably getting his sister out… or rubbing one out,” you answered with a shrug, “one of those two.”

“Hopefully not both,” Lyra grimaced at the mental image.

“What the fuck, bro?” you laughed at your friend’s perverted mind.

A gigantic crash made you both jump, and you turned towards the sound. Your eyes strained to see in the murky darkness, but your ears heard the sound of hooves all too well.

Finally, a form walked from out of the shadows. Matted, black hair fell in the mare’s face, and only a gruesome smile was visible. Slowly, she lifted the chainsaw in her hooves above her head, and ripped at the start cord. With a squeal of mechanical life, the chainsaw jumped awake and revved high and loud.

“Here’ssss Johnny!” Octavia bellowed, and, screaming, ran towards you and Lyra, chainsaw flailing in-hoof.

“Oh, fuck!” you both screamed, and dove out of the way, just at the last second. With a crunch, the chainsaw landed on a urinal behind you and shredded it to dust. Whipping her head around, Octavia screamed at you again, and lunged after Lyra. Too shocked to move in time, she took a brunt blow to the shoulder. In a moment of surprise, you saw Lyra go down in a spray of blood and wide, golden eyes.

“Oh no, bitch! Nobody fucks with my bro but me!” you exclaimed, enraged, before lowering your voice to a barely audible whisper, “n-no hetero.”

Furious, you beared down on the pony, jumping at her from behind and grabbing her by the neck, choking her.

You soon realized this was a bad idea.

Octavia quickly turned from surprised to downright angry as you tried to hold her in a chokehold. Straining under your weight, she brought the chainsaw up over her and began to try and hit you with it from behind her head. You realized this just a little bit too late.

“Aw fuck…” you breathed as the chainsaw came down in your arm, and in a moment of startling pain, you dropped back to the floor with a guttural shout.

Fuck, that hurt like a bitch.

Scrambling to get away from the insane pony, you slid yourself backwards on the floor, wincing every time your cut arm pushed you away. Finally, your back hit the wall, and you gasped a little: this was it.

You were boned.

Blood seeping from the gash in your arm, you looked around, frantic to find something to throw or defend yourself with. Nothing was around but a stack of urinals and the clothes on your back. As you saw Octavia bearing down on you step by step, you got desperate. Grabbing off one of your shoes, you hurled it at the insane pony. With a thunk, it hit her squarely on the forehead.

“Ow!” she shouted, dropping her chainsaw to the ground as she put a hoof up to the blow. The chainsaw sputtered and died on the floor. “That really hurt! I’m gonna have a lump there, you idiot!”

You can’t believe that actually worked, and you’re trying to not to giggle as you realize your stupid plan played out.

Octavia put her hooves wide, outraged. “Who throws a shoe, honestly?”

As the crazed mare continued to bitch at you, your attention was stolen by a large mass moving about in the shadows, lumbering towards the two of you.

“Uh,” you spoke up, looking at the mare with a raised brow, “You don’t get to bring friends.”

She blinked. “What friends?”

“BONK!”

Octavia collapsed to the ground after receiving a nasty blow to the back of her head. As she fell to the ground unconscious, the mass in the shadows walked out into the light.

“Dammit Anon, ya nearly gave mah away!”

The large red stallion approached you, an unconscious Applejack on his back and a blood splattered Louisville slugger tight in his grip.

How he got one in Equestria was beyond you, but you could give less of a fuck.

“BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

“Now’s not da time for broship, Anon,” he said, putting a stop to your moment, “that comes later.”

“Bullshit,” you spat out, “it’s always the time for broship.”

“Yeah dude,” a third voice spoke out, “according to the Bro Code, broship never ends, not even after death.”

!

You turned towards the source of the voice, and spotted an aquamarine unicorn mare smirking at you.

The same unicorn you just saw get cut down by a crazed chainsaw-wielding bitch.

“Sup cunts?” she said, before she raised a curious brow at you, “Yo Anon, you aight? You look like you just saw a ghost.”

OH FUCK YOUR BRO WAS A GHOST.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THEY KILLED LYRA!” you cried to the heavens, before you fell to your knees, “YOU BASTARDS!”

Lyra blinked.

“I’m... dead? Anon, I-” A strange look overtook Lyra’s face. “AWESOME, I’M A GHOST!”

You suddenly realized how fucking awesome that was. “FUCK YEAH, I HAVE A GHOST BRO NOW! AIN’T THAT SOME SHIT?!”

“FUCK YES! DUDE, I’M TOTALLY GOING TO WATCH YOU MASTURBATE FROM THE CEILING!”

“HAHA, WHAT THE FUCK?!” you snorted out, “THAT SOUNDS PRETTY HETERO TO ME.”

“N-no hetero?” Lyra asked, her face going red as she quieted down.

“No hetero,” you confirmed with a nod.

“Ya two are weirdos,” Big Mac commented.

“But we’re your weirdos, bro,” you countered with a smirk. Lyra nodded in agreement with your statement.

“Ah know,” he responded, “and Ah wouldn’t have it any other way.”

After a round of circlejerking and taking turns teabagging the unconscious mare that was just trying to kill you with a chainsaw, you and your merry band of faggots decided to leave that urinal filled hellhole behind.

Fucking urinals, man. You’d never look at them the same again.

“So... I’m not a ghost?” Lyra inquired as the three of you walked out of Octavia’s house

“Nah.”

“Eenope.”

“B-but… how else will I fuck with ponies and watch them masturbate?” she inquired.

“Dunno,” you responded, giving her aquamarine horn a flick, “magic?”

“Hey hey hey,” she slapped your hand away, “don’t touch my thing.”

“Why not?” you inquired, clueless.

“Because Anon,” Big Mac spoke up, “if ya knew anything about foreplay with a mare, ya’d know that horns are really sensitive.”

“Oh… OH!”

“No hetero?”

“No hetero,” you confirmed with a nod, “so you guys down to get shitfaced and try to forget the haunting memories of the horrific experience we just went through?”

“Anon, don’t ya think it’s a bit early to be drinking?” Big Mac asked as he glanced at his watch, “It’s like, five in the morning.”

You gave your bro deadpan look. “The early bird gets the worm, Big Mac.”

“Ya don’t like tequila.”

“Shut up, I’m trying to be clever.”

Big Mac shrugged, glancing at a sleeping Applejack. “Ah need ta get her home anyways, Anon. Ah’ll catch ya two later.”

You and your unicorn companion looked on with tear filled eyes as Big Mac separated from the two of you and trotted in the general direction of Sweet Apple Acres.

Or Ponyville’s Red Light district. They’re in the same direction, and you were pretty sure that Big Mac also worked as a pimp and/or male escort on the side.

Once the two of you were alone, you turned towards your female bro with an inquisitive look.

“Do you want to head back to my place and get turnt the fuck up?”

“I would love to go back to your place and get turnt the fuck up with you, Anon,” she responded to you with a pleasant smile.

“FUCK YEAH!”

The two of you skipped merrily to your shitty apartment, thoughts of cheap booze and convincing your hot MILF landlord to get wasted with you danced through your mind.

Just another typical weekend in Ponyville.

Author's Notes:

Hello ladies, gentlemen, faggots, and trigendered firefoxes. Over the past couple weeks, you guys have voted on whether or not I should include a multiple choice feature at the end of every chapter, and as expected, everyone who voted said yes.

For those of you who did not read 60's Era Spiderman goes to Equestria, here's how the voting system works: A list of options will be provided in the authors notes box after each chapter. You can vote for one option (voting for more than one voids your vote) in the comments section. Whichever option has the most votes after a given amount of time wins. Once all the current options have been written, a chapter will be written to advance the main plot, and then you will advance to the next tier of options. If a certain character's option seems popular, I will add more options involving him/her.

Here are the options:

() Go to Canterlot with Big Mac and Lyra to publish the Official 2014 Ponyville Booty Power Ranking and party your asses off
() Help Big Mac throw a giant ass party at Sweet Apple Acres while Granny Smith is gone
() Go to work, because shit always happens at Sweet Apple Acres that totally isn’t boring
() Fuck around with Lyra (n-no hetero)
() You’ve got a fatal case of booty fever, and only Applejack can cure it
() Go hang out with the overhyped DJ
() Teach the cutie mark crusaders how to fish with dynamite
() Talk about feelings with Twilight Sparkle and attempt to corrupt her
() Go see Rarity and get some new duds, then hit up the town with her

And please, if a chapter's voting has already been concluded, don't cast a vote. You have no idea how fucking annoying it is to have your feed be filled with one idiot commenting 30+ times on a story and every single one of those comments is a vote from a chapter that has already been voted on. Anyone who does that will be temporarily blocked.

Chapter IV: Pot Brownies, Apples, and Booty Galore!

Your eyes flickered open as you awoke the next morning, the events of the last couple days but a distant memory after the copious amounts of vodka that you ingested with your bro and landlord the previous day.

You briefly wondered if you scored last night, but a quick investigation of your bed revealed no hot MILFs, just a lightly snoring aquamarine unicorn.

You played around with the idea that maybe you scored with Lyra, but quickly banished those thoughts. You weren’t supposed to lie with your bro, that’s just not how shit worked. Besides, you technically couldn’t score with your bro, as it’d just be considered an extreme case of bromance, like a brojob.

Choo choo.

You sat up and took a sip from a flat beer that was sitting on your nightstand, before you tossed off the covers and rolled out of your bed.

...only for you to slip on a discarded bottle of vodka and fall on your face like the fucking idiot you are.

“Nice one, Anon,” you heard Lyra comment from above, likely being woken up by you falling out of bed like a retard.

“I totally fucking did that on purpose,” you responded from the floor, before you jumped up to your feet. The world spun around you in a wash of cheap distilled liquor and sleep deprivation.

You burped a little and straightened up.

“Classy,” Lyra said, a discerning eyebrow raised high on her face. Her hair was mussed and her eyes a little bloodshot.

“Hey uh, bro…”

“Yeah, Anon?”

“Did we, uh, you know. Do the horizontal tango last night?” You took a sip from your beer.

“Uhmm no. You wish, loser,” Lyra giggled a little and made a raspberry at you.

“Cunt,” you muttered into your beer.

“Asshole,” she fired back, a playful smirk on her face.

“Bitch.”

“Pussy ass.”

“Cock-juggling thunder cunt.”

“Super faggot.”

“Shut the fuck up. If I didn’t rail your nasty ratchet ass last night, tell me I at least got to go balls-deep in my hot as fuck landlord.”

Lyra laughed aloud, and rolled off the bed.

“I’m not telling,” she waltzed out, flank bouncing seductively as she vacated the room.

“FUCK,” you cried, throwing your empty can across the room in anger.

Seeing your bro had left your room, you wandered into your bathroom. You stretched out, brushed your teeth with vodka, and downed a swig of toothpaste-

Wait, you done goofed.

After spitting out the mouthful of toothpaste, you went to work brushing your teeth like somebody who isn’t a complete fuck-up.

As you maintained your dental hygiene, the bathroom door flung open, and in waltzed Lyra with a spring in her trot.

“Sup cunt?” you inquired through the foam spilling out of your mouth.

“Sup faggot?”

“You’re looking awfully chipper for somebody who should be hungover,” you commented as you spat into the sink, “what’s up?”

“Well, if you must know,” she responded with a singsong voice, “I just heard from the weed dude, and he said he was willing to throw in a little extra today.”

You raised a brow at the mare as you turned the shower on. “Weed dude? Don’t you mean the weed man… or the weed stallion?” As the bathroom filled with steam, you dropped your boxers and hopped into the shower.

“Nah, he prefers to be called the weed ‘dude’, or just The Dude when he’s off the clock. Oh, and he’s a minotaur, not a pony,” Lyra responded as she hopped into the shower behind you. She glanced down at your groin region, “by the way, nice cock brah.”

“Thanks bro,” you responded, not paying attention as you let the water wash away both your hangover and the weekend’s grunge. You paused as you realized what was happening and gave the mare a curious glance, “Yo, what the fuck. Why are you getting in the shower with me?”

The mare froze up.

“I… uh…”

You raised a brow at her behavior.

“...I want to help save money on the water bill?”

To anyone else it would’ve been obvious that she just pull that excuse out of her ass.

Luckily for Lyra, you’re a bit of a dipshit.

“Ah. Thanks bro!” you said happily.

Shit was looking up for a nigga.

“Ain’t nothin’ but a G thang, brah,” the mare responded, waving off your thanks, “though… I do have a favor to ask of you.”

“Shoot nigga, anything for my bro.”

“Can you hand me the Apple Spice?”

“Sure,” you responded as you reached over the pony to grab it off the high shelf in the other corner of the shower, "by the way, this isn’t hetero, right?”

“Nope!” she responded, shaking her head, “no hetero.”

“Cool,” you said, before shooting her a questioning glance, “so are we actually ripping off the Big Lebowski?”

“Come on brah, it’s a minotaur based off The Dude,” she said with a smirk, “I doubt anyone would care about something as awesome as that. Besides, The Dude showed up as a pony in the show, remember?”

“You make some good points, bro.”

“I know I do, brah,” she said with a grin, “but yeah, I’m pretty excited, I haven’t gotten a good blaze in a long time.”

“Four twenty blaze it yolo” you said as you flicked Lyra on the nose.

You didn’t really give a fuck, smoking wasn’t your thing anyways. But you figured you could get a good laugh out of watching Lyra get baked out of her dome.

“This shit is good though, Purple Magic.”

“If I wanted purple magic I’d go over to Twilight’s house, ya stoner.”

“Please anon, I’m not even anything close to a stoner. I just smoke every once in a while.”

You rolled your eyes as you remembered the shitload of pot leaf-covered clothes and bongs she had back at her place.

“That’s what they all say, nigga.”

You grabbed the bottle, but your hands were wet and slippery. The bottle slipped out of your grip and dropped to the floor.

“Shit,” you said and bent down to reach for it.

Just as you had grabbed for it, you felt a hoof smack your ass.

!

“OW FUCK!” you exclaimed in shock as you jumped due to the spook it gave you, “The fuck bro?”

Lyra was tearing up trying to hold her laughter in.

“SHOW YOUR CRACK, GET WHACKED!” she burst out finally.

"YOU BITCH! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!"

After a few moments of retarded laughing, she wiped the tears off her eyes and smiled. “Sorry bro, I had to. Golden opportunity.”

“Right,” you muttered, “Here’s your fuckin soap.”

“DON’T DROP DA SOAP, NIGGA”, you heard Bill Cosby’s advice to you ring through your head as you rubbed your pained ass.

You should have listened to his wisdom.

“Uh, Anon, do you have a loofah in here?” Lyra asked, shaking you out of your thoughts as she grabbed the bottle from out of your hand with the use of her telekinesis.

“A what?” you said as you rinsed the soap off your face.

“A loofah. A rubby thingy. A washcloth? Something?”

“Hold on.”

You leapt out of the shower and opened up a cabinet, reaching inside to grab something.

You pulled your arm out, and produced a large, floppy dildo.

“...”

“...”

“...dafuq, brah?”

“Hey, mare’s love toys, bro.”

She rolled her eyes. “Do you have anything that I could use to wash myself?”

You shook the dildo before her with a giant smile.

“...that isn’t a sex toy?”

“Nah. I have my hands, bro. I use them,” you said as you hopped back into the shower.

Lyra sighed, looking dour. Her face lit up, though almost instantly.

“Anon?”

“Yes?” you said, rinsing the soap off your upper body.

“Could you…. wash me?”

She gave you bedroom eyes and wiggled her rump seductively. Raising an eyebrow, she bit her lip as she eyed you down.

You shrugged and put down the razor you were about to use.

“Sure homie,” you responded, before commenting with a smirk, “you know bro, this is pretty fucking hetero.”

“Oh shut up,” she said, laughing a little to herself out of embarassment.

She turned all the way around, and magicked the bottle into your hands. As you reached for it, you made sure to grip it tightly this time. With a squeeze, you dribbled the sweet sweet nectar of the Gods onto your bros back and mane. Putting the bottle back in its spot, you started lathering the Apple Spice up into her coat, starting at her shoulders.

“That good?” you asked after a little while; you had already reached down to her hips

“Oh… yes, that feels wonderful.”

“Cool,” you said absentmindedly. You were so busy thinking about what you were going to do today that you hadn’t even noticed that Lyra’s reply had ended with a low moan. As your distant thoughts drifted to ideas of the booty and what bar you were going to probably get kicked out of tonight, your leg nudged up against Lyra’s marehood.

She let out a startled, high-pitched yelp in response.

“Whoops. My bad. What the fuck was that noise, dude?” you laughed at the mare’s outburst. Lyra merely blushed heavily.

“N-nothing. You’re not done yet, dont stop.”

“Right,” you said, starting to get bored. As you finished off the valley of her hips, you peaked and began on her flank. Smirking, you came up with an idea.

“Hey bro?”

“Y-yeah Anon?”

“REVENGE ASS SLAP!” you shouted at the top of your lungs, and cocking your hand back, proceeded to open-hand slap the pony ass right in front of you. Before she could even voice objection, your hand collided with her right buttcheek with a loud crack, and Lyra jumped a foot straight up in the air with a screech.

“ANON, YOU FUCK! GET THE FUCK OUT!”

“But this is my bathroom-”

Before you knew what had happened, you were shoved out of the room and the bathroom door was slammed behind you.

Before you could turn around and force the door open, you heard the door lock.

“Fuck you, bro! How you gonna do a nigga like that?” you shouted as you banged on the door. There was no response your errant knocking, so with a flip of the bird to the door, you prowled around your room for an old towel to dry off with.

After drying off and tossing on some undergarments, you decided to say fuck it and just play some vidya games.

Half an hour later, Lyra emerged in a swirl of steam from the bathroom, looking refreshed.

You looked over to the mare with a grunt.

“‘Joint showers to save water’ my ass. You’re paying my next water bill, bitch.”

“Anon, you get all your money from the government…” she pointed out.

“Oh yeah,” you said, clicking absentmindedly on your controller. “Oh baby, a triple!” you exclaimed as the little shits playing on the other team cried and cursed as your grenade killed them all.

“Nice brah. So what’s on the agenda for today, dude?” Lyra said, flopping down on the end of the bed.

“I was planning to fill condoms up with mayo and throw them at ponies in the town center, then blame it on that one retarded pegasus who fucked up my package last week,” you responded casually, taking a swig from a nearby handle of vodka.

She gave you a look.

“I was about to go out to meet up with the weed dude. You wanna join?”

You tossed your Xbox controller out a window, which exploded off camera, and turned to face her. “I would love to go meet the weed dude with you.”

She grinned. “Cool. Just don’t mention anything about his rug.”

“Why?”

“He’s very emotional about it.”

After downing a few shots and chowing down on a nutritious breakfast of slightly burnt strawberry poptarts, you backflipped into your room to put some clothes on.

“I’m gonna stylin’ on bitches today!” you declare to yourself.

You tossed some faded jeans and your nice scorpion jacket, a jacket that immediately made it’s wearer a real human bean and a real hero.

You examined yourself with a mirror.

“I’m missing something… Ah!”

You retreated back into the closet and grabbed your pair of GAR glasses. You donned the oversized orange, triangle shaped sunglasses, before examining yourself in the mirror once more.

"I'll be back," you said with your best Arnold impersonation, before flashing the mirror the double thumbs up. You were ready to be seen in public.

You promptly left your room and marched into your living room, where your aquamarine unicorn bro was kicking back on your couch, dicking around with an unnecessarily floppy dildo.

...where the fuck did she get that dildo from?

You shook away these thoughts and ignored the dildo as you presented yourself to the mare, striking a heroic pose before her.

“Yo homie, check me out! Do I look fresh, or what?” you inquired.

Lyra turned her attention away from the dildo and glanced your way.

She immediately broke out into laughter.

“Dear Celestia, you look like the autistic lovechild of the anime and television boards of Ponychan!” she managed to get out through her hyena-like laughter.

“Fuck you bitch, I’m stylin’ on your ass.”

“Whatever you say, man. Whatever you say.”

She hopped up from the couch and threw the dildo to the floor (which subsequently exploded), before approaching the front door.

“Let’s go get some fucking weed,” she said.

“Bitchin’.”

She threw open the door and the two of you burst out of it, you looking like a real human bean and a real hero, while Lyra…

She wasn’t wearing anything as usual.

l-lewd

The two of you strutted your stuff through Ponyville, earning the ire of those who were jealous of your swag.

“They see me rollin’,” you sang.

“They hatin’,” Lyra sang along with you with a grin as she picked up on what you were doing.

“Patrolling they tryin’ to catch me ridin’.”

“Tryin’ to catch me ridin’ dirty,” the two of you sang together, “tryin’ to catch me ridin’ dirty, tryin’-”

“HEY!” somebody called out.

You stopped dead in your tracks and immediately looked towards the source of the interruption, expecting some punk ass hater to be standing there eagerly awaiting an ass whooping.

There stood a brown, long haired minotaur, sporting a pretty kickass pair of shades and a brown bathrobe.

“Nice shades, man.”

“Thanks bro,” you responded as your mood did a complete 180. You flashed the minotaur a thumbs up, which he returned with gusto.

Clearly, this guy was a pretty cool guy.

“So, broski, you have my grass?” Lyra asked the minotaur after glancing around the area a few times.

“What grass?”

“The weed, Dude.”

“Oh yeah… yeah man, I got it.”

The minotaur produced a baggie, and handed off to the unicorn as Lyra produced a small sack of bits. Both parties were content, and tucked away their little treasures.

“Always a pleasure, Dude.”

“Yeah man, nice seeing ya.”

“Peace, Dude.”

As you walked away from the meetup, Lyra practically hopped next to you as you began to make your way back towards her place.

“Uh, bro?”

“Yeah, Anon?”

“You do realize MJ isn’t illegal in Equestria. Like, there’s dispensaries everywhere around here. Why don’t you just go there?”

“Because you gotta support your local entrepreneur, you know what I’m saying brah?” Lyra gave you a look which you got all too often, “And besides. The weed dude throws in a lil extra sometimes. Lame ass dispensaries don’t.”

“Right,” you said, not giving a fuck as you watched a particularly big-bootied mare bounce her way past the two of you.

Unf. Dat ass.

Having procured Lyra’s Mary Jane, the two of you made your way back to her apartment with a skip in your step. You were really looking forward to watching her trip balls and lose her-

?

“Yo nigga, I thought we were going to your place?” you asked with a raised brow as you realized the two of you were standing outside your apartment.

The aquamarine mare shot you a confused glance. “What are you talking about, man? We’re roomies.”

“Since when?”

“Since, like, forever man. For some fucking reason, you always seem to forget this.”

“But in the last chapter-”

“Nobody cares, us being roomies is cool,” she cut you off with a stern look.

You shrugged it off. “Whatever, as long as my shit doesn’t smell like skunk when you’re done.”

She rolled her eyes at your comment as she opened the door and trotted inside, her grin growing exponentially larger the closer she got to her much sought after high.

“Dude, you have no idea how long it’s been since I toked,” she exclaimed happily as she tossed her weed on the counter and began digging around in the cabinets.

You assumed she was looking for a needle or something along those lines to inject her marijuana with.

“For someone who’s supposedly not a stoner, you seem pretty excited,” you commented with a smirk, “you’re like me when I haven’t had access to booze in an hour.”

“Shush,” she hushed you, “your near crippling addiction to alcohol doesn’t even begin to compare to me smoking weed once in a while.”

“Yeah, well, that’s just, like, your opinion, man,” you retorted with a pout.

She ignored you and continued to dig through the cabinets for whatever the hell she was looking for. You shrugged and plopped down on the couch

“Shit!”

“What?”

“I’m out of cigar paper…”

“So?” you raised a brow, “can’t you just eat it bro?”

“Yeah, but I don’t have brownie mix. Do you?” she inquired.

“Of course I have some, bro. Bitches love brownies,” you hopped up from the couch and moonwalked your way into the kitchen. You did a spin, grabbed your crotch, and grabbed a box of brownie mix out of your stash.

...while you’re at it, you grabbed some vodka as well. Good for soul.

You tossed your bro the box of brownie mix, twisted the lid off your handle of Smirnoff, and drank down a mouthful of the stuff.

...you didn’t know what Smirnoff was doing in Equestria, but you were very happy you could get your hands on it here.

“Uh… Anon? How do I make this?”

“Read the instructions, retard. Git gud,” you said, your mouth filled with straight 40 proof vodka.

“Aight dude, thanks,” Lyra said as she flashed you a big grin.

“No problem man, anything for my bro,” you said as your reached over and gave her a quick scratch behind the ears. Bitches love ear scratches. Especially Lyra.

“Do you want some?” she inquired as she pushed into your hand, prompting you to scratch harder.

“Nah man, just do a homie a favor and cook me a separate batch,” you responded as you pulled your hand away, much to her disappointment. “I’m gonna play the vidya, come get me when you’re done so I can laugh at your ass when you’re losing your fucking mind.”

“You don’t exactly understand stoners, do you?”

“So you admit! Fucking knew I was right.”

Lyra let out a small giggle. “Fuck you, brah, go play your vidya.”

“DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!”

You flipped the aquamarine unicorn the bird, grabbed your vodka, did a 360, and then moonwalked into the bedroom.

After what seemed like forever, you finally grew tired of waiting for your bro and turned off your Xbox, before you made your way out of the bedroom.

!

Shit, almost forgot.

You returned to your bedroom momentarily and grabbed your trusty handle of vodka, before vacating it once more.

Shutting the door behind you, you walked into the living room and stood in the center, your thumbs laid upon your belt to show that you were the one in charge.

“Where’s my brownies, bitch?!” you demanded.

You heard a chuckle emanate from the nearby couch. You glanced towards the source of the chuckle to find Lyra kicking back on the couch, two empty trays filled with brownie crumbs sitting on the coffee table.

“BITCH, DID YOU EAT MY BROWNIES?!”

She lazily looked up at you with reddened, glazed over eyes. “Huh...?”

“I said... BITCH! DID YOU EAT MY FUCKING BROWNIES!?” you repeated yourself.

“...yeah man…”

“BROOOOOOOOOO!”

“...hmm?”

“WHY’D YOU DO IT?!”

She shrugged. “Dunno… felt like it, man.”

“NOT COOL BRO, NOT FUCKING COOL!”

You angrily stomped your way into the bitch and grabbed two six packs of beer from the fridge, before you made your way to the front door.

“I’m going out, try not to eat anymore of my shit.”

“...k…”

Knock…

Knock…

Knock…

You stood at the front of the Apple family homestead, your two six packs sitting on the ground beside you, awaiting a response from the home’s inhabitants.

After a minute or so of you tapping on the door, there was still no response.

Fuck.

In a desperate effort to find someone to bro down with who wasn’t stoned out of their mind, you stepped up your knocking game, slamming on the door with all your might.

[knocking intensifies]

“Anon, what are ya doin’?” you heard a voice asked you.

You turned towards the source of the voice, and found little Applebloom staring up at you with an inquisitive look.

“Knocking, of course. What’s up little homie?” you inquired.

“Oh, ya know, kid stuff,” she responded casually.

“Cool, cool,” you said, before raising a brow at her, “say, are you old enough to drink?”

“Ah’m like nine, Anon.”

“Fuck. Then could you tell Big Mac to get his ass down here so he can chug these six packs with me?”

“Ah’d love to, Anon, but he’s bedridden. He’s got a severe case of the blues,” she answered, an amused grin spreading across her face as she said this.

“God dammit,” you said as you absorbed this news, “whatever, I’m going to go chill in the orchard. Peace out little nigga.”

“Later Anon,” she answered, before she wandered off.

You grabbed your six packs, did a 720, and began to make your way towards Sweet Apple Acres extensive apple orchard, intent on drinking yourself into a coma.

“Uh… Anon?”

Your eyes flickered open as you were awoken by the soft sound of Applejack’s Southern drawl, your vision being dominated by her concerned face.

Honestly, not a bad way to wake up, even with your head pounding from a massive hangover.

“Yo?” you responded, before you flashed the mare a questioning glance, “did we fuck or something?”

She chuckled as she smirked at you. “Nah, ya haven’t wined and dined me nearly enough.”

“Oh.”

Fuck.

You shook off your sleep, and after glancing about, you found yourself leaning against an apple tree in the middle of Sweet Apple Acres.

“Huh,” you muttered out, before turning your attention back to your bro’s big booty-toting sister.

“What are ya doin’ out here, sugarcube?” she asked.

“I’m on the hunt for Dio Brando, obviously,” you responded as if this was common knowledge.

“Huh?” she cocked her head in confusion.

“WHERE IS DIO?! WHAT IS DIO’S POWER?!” you demanded from the orange earth pony.

“Uh huh,” she cracked a smile at your crazed ramblings and gazed past you, spotting a collection of empty beer bottles, “Don’t ya think it’s a little early to be drinking, Anon?”

“I like to get an early start,” you responded casually, as if you weren’t a severe alcoholic.

The mare rolled her eyes. “Ya need help.”

“Hey man, I don’t judge your crippling addiction to apples and apples accessories, so don’t hate nigga,” you said as you willed your collection of beer bottles out of existence and rose up from the ground.

“Don’t ya be talkin’ smack bout’ muh apples!”

“Damn, you really do have an apple problem. You should consider going to rehab,” you brought your hand up to your chin and scratched it in thought as you said this, “...could you even get into rehab for an addiction to apples? I wonder…”

The mare flashed you an annoyed look.

“...tough crowd.”

Applejack slugged you on the shoulder. “Apples are nothing to joke about, Anon.”

“Apples are very serious business,” you said with a sagely nod.

She ignored your attempts at busting her lady balls. “All jokes aside, Ah’m glad you’re here. Ya got anything going on tonight?”

“Oh my, are you asking me out, Miss Applejack?”

She snickered. “Just answer the question.”

“Well, I WAS planning to walk around town with my balls hanging out and express to everybody I run into about how ballin’ I am, but I’m sure I can make some room in my very busy schedule to do something with you.”

A grin spread across her face. “In that case, Ah have a huge favor to ask ya.”

“I am the bone of your sword.”

“Ah beg your pardon?”

“Nothing, continue.”

“Well, Ah need to deliver a cart of apple pies ta Canterlot for some festival, but Ah need somebody to go with me, and Big Mac or any of the girls are available at the moment. Seeing how yer here and all, Ah figure ya could lend me a hoof… or hand, Ah guess.”

“HMMMMMMMM,” you hmmed as you scratched your chin as you thought this over, “I would say yes, but I don’t exactly work for free. You’re going to have to contact Hot Pocket-san if you want somebody to do it for free.”

“Heh, no worries Anon, ya will be rewarded handsomely for yer help.”

“Hoofjob?”

“If ya can get me drunk enough, sugarcube,” she responded with a chuckle, “nah, Ah was thinking more like we could hit up the festival and Ah could pay for the booze.”

Your eyes lit up like you were a child in a candy store, or a janitor inside a 7-11 with free Hot Pockets. “FUCK YEAH BRO! FREE BOOZE IS BEST BOOZE!”

Applejack smiled at your reaction. “Ah assume that means yer on board?”

“Of course!”

“Glad ta hear it! Now let’s go load up the apples and we can hit the road.”

“Awesome. Dibs on being in charge of music.”

“Anon, Ah know ya said ya were in charge of music, but can ya please-”

“SHUT UP BITCH, THIS SHIT’S MY JAM!” you declared as turned up your tunes to MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE, causing your generic smartphone to blast out the hit song, “Nigga Nigga Nigga”.

“Nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga,” you sang along with a big grin on your face, “I’m 100 percent nigga.”

You noticed AJ wasn’t singing along with you, and was staring at you with an unamused look.

“Fine… excuse me for trying to brighten up this boring as hell trip,” you said with a sigh.

“Ah have no problem with music or singing along, but if we’re gonna do it, we gotta do it right,” Applejack chided.

“What are you talking about?” you demanded as you stopped in your tracks and turned towards her, “‘Nigga Nigga Nigga’ is a classic that defines a generation of innocent youths who didn’ do nuffin’. How could you not like it?”

Fuck, you really wished you had Lyra with you right now.

“It’s just not-”

“P-por favor señor y señorita, could you two please stop arguing?” a third voice grunted out, interrupting the two of you.

“Shut up Pablo!” the two of you shouted at the Cuban midget in unison.

“Ay Dios mío…” he grumbled under his breath, before he went back to focusing on pulling Applejack’s apple cart along.

“Why’d you even bring me if you were gonna have fucking Pavlo carry the load?” you asked as the two of you continued walking, “I thought I was gonna get some sweet gains out of this while you sat back and mired them.”

“Thanks for noticing-”

“Shut the fuck up manlet,” you grunted.

“Well, three reasons actually. One, Ah need somepony- somebody in your case, to keep me company on the hike. It’s a long way to Canterlot, as Ah’m sure ya know.”

“But you have me-”

“Ya don’t count,” she interrupted the Cuban.

“Shut the hell up Pablo, you’re out of your element,” you threw in.

He dropped his head and stared at the ground like the beta he was.

You’d feel like a dick, but manlets aren’t people, so it’s okay.

“Now, where were we before we were rudely interrupted?”

“Two, yer a pretty cool guy, so Ah figured it’d be nice to do somethin’ together,” she continued.

“Well, I already knew that, as nobody can resist my charm,” you said with a cocky smirk, “What’s the third reason?”

“The third reason is Ah need a hot piece of ass to accompany me to the festival,” she responded, returning your smirk.

“So this is a date?” you teased.

“Ah guess ya could say so,” she responded to your teasing with a giggle.

“For tree fiddy I can write and illustrate a doujin about the two of you,” the cuban midget offered.

“Shut up Pablo,” AJ shut him down.

“Yeah Pablo, shut up,” you displayed your dominance to the manlet as you utilized your maxed out stealth skill to slip him your contact info without your companion noticing.

A doujin about you and Applejack sounded so fucking cash.

“Speaking of that Anon,” the mare interrupted your self-insert doujin fantasies, “Ah have another favor to ask of ya.”

“You want to team up and collab on a doujin, huh? I gotta be honest, that sounds pretty sick, but I’m much too lazy and incompetent to-”

“Ah’m not talking about that, Ah was talking about what ya said about dates.”

“Oh, okay. Continue,” you said as you gave her your full attention.

“Ya see, Ah have this ex up in Canterlot who’s kinda creepy,” the mare looked rather unnerved as she spoke, “Any time Ah end up in Canterlot she’ll always be followin’ me round making this really creepy noise and never leavin’ me-”

“Wait, hold up, she? You mean like a chick?”

“Yeah.”

“So you’re a lesbian?” you inquired, your hopes and dreams of conquering that booty fading.

“Nah, it was just a phase for the most part, though Ah don’t see anything wrong with a lil’ bump and grind,” she responded with a shrug.

“Noice…” you said, your hopes and dream about da booty not only returning, but intensifying.

“Noice,” Pablo said, only to shut up after receiving an angered glare from you.

“Noice,” said two passing stallions.

“Noice,” said the talking raccoon sitting at the side of the road.

“Noice,” you said again so you could be the center of attention again, “so what were you saying?”

“Uh… anyways, Big Mac normally joins me, but the events of last weekend left him bedridden with a serious case of the blues-”

“Yeah, same thing happened to me,” you interrupted her as you rubbed your aching balls, “but you don’t see me staying in bed and opting out of helping you out... though it’s mainly because that booty game is off the hook.”

The mare gave you an annoyed look.

“Shit, totally didn’t mean to say that last part, I must still be shitfaced… you have an amazing ass, by the way.”

Her annoyed look turned into a grin as she took in your compliment. “Years of apple bucking and kick boxing do give a mare some nice tone.”

“You don’t need to tell me twice. I’m pretty sure that ass is tight enough to bounce a quarter off of…”

You paused as you thought over an idea that popped up in your head. “Hey… make sure to stay away from me if I’m drunk and have quarters on hand.”

“But aren’t ya always drunk?”

“...good point. Okay, avoid me if I have quarters in my inventory.”

“Okay Anon, Ah’ll keep that in mind,” she stated with an amused grin, “anyways, since Big Mac isn’t here, Ah need you to take his place.”

“Well, wasn’t me hanging out with you already the plan? And what does this have to do with dates?”

“Hush sugarcube,” she shushed you, “Ah was just gettin’ to that.”

“Alright… so what’s the next step of your master plan?”

“Well.. Twilight suggested that if Ah show up to Canterlot with a coltfriend, it might scare off my ex, or even help her move on.”

“Uh huh…”

“So… uh…” the orange mare chuckled awkwardly and rubbed the back of her neck, “Ah kinda need ya to pretend to be my coltfriend. Since yer the only one Ah can really trust with this… and yer really the only guy who’s probably even available anyways.”

Ouch.

“Don’t worry, I can pretend to be your bae… and more, but that comes later.”

“Ah don’t really have anything to pay ya with, besides paying for booze and the inn that we will very likely crashing at this evening. Ya okay with that?”

You gave her a look. “You’re asking me if I’m okay with free booze and having a big booty-toting mare hanging on my arm all day long when all I really have to do is be there and be me? Even if you’re just pretending, it’s still a pretty sweet deal. I’d have to be gay to say no.”

She gave you a hopeful look. “So ya will do it?”

“What do you think?” you asked rhetorically, “So this is like that one episode of Space Dandy, right?”

“H-huh?”

“Nothing. I’m in.”

“Great! But Ah do have to lay down a few ground rules, though.”

“Fuck you, I don’t do rules. Rules keep a nigga down, stop oppressing me.”

“Anon…”

“Fuck, fine. But I’m not happy about it.”

“First off, no kissing.”

“Shit, I thought you wanted this to be believable,” you gave the mare a look.

“Ah know, and it will be, but we gotta have boundaries, Anon. We’re only pretending, ya know?”

“Me? Boundaries? Surely you jest.”

“Nah, Ah’m completely serious. And don’t call me Shirley.”

“AYE YI YI!” the two of you heard Pablo cry. You turned around to see the midget on the ground, writhing in pain with his back bent backwards at an unnatural angle.

“Dear Celestia!” Applejack cried out in shock as she took this in, “Get up Pablo, Ah don’t pay ya to lie around the job.”

“But señorita, my back! I think I broke my back!”

Manlets, they never learn.

“That’s it, no Subway for ya!” she said, only to be responded to with cries of pain, sorrow, and agony, before turning towards you, “Anon, ya mind getting this for me? I’ll give Pablo’s Subway.”

“No, please senor! Don’t take my Subway!” he begged of you.

You ignored him, because manlets aren’t people.

“Yeah nigga, I can help you out. I need to make up for all the gains this cardio is killing anyways,” you said as you kicked the writhing Cuban aside and took the cart, “glutes for the sloots.”

Unbeknownst to the two of you, something lurked in the nearby forest, watching as the two of you left the crippled manlet behind and continued along the path

“Jiiiiiiiiiiiiii~”

After the death of many gains, you and the orange earth pony who accompanied you finally wandered into Canterlot around sunset.

You paused, taking a moment to take in the city and it’s sights, as well as it’s fashionably dressed citizens. The streets and buildings were decorated with a myriad of bright and colorful decorations for the festival. The castle that towered over the city was decorated in a similar fashion as well, and-

“This is so fucking gay,” you commented, interrupting the narrator.

“Cheer up, Anon,” Applejack spoke up, slugging you in the shoulder, “there’s plenty of booze round these parts, especially during the festivals.”

“Alrighty then,” you did your best Ace Ventura impression as your eyes lit up with childish glee, “booze when?”

“Booze soon,” she promised as she turned towards the apple cart you were dragging around, “Ah just need to drop off these apples and we’ll be good to go.”

“FUCK YEAH, GET HYPED NIGGA!” you cheered, earning you glares from the nearby nobles.

Like you gave a fuck.

Applejack grinned at your stupidity, before she looked about in an attempt to figure out where the two of you were going.

!

There she was, watching the two of you from a nearby alley. A white mare with a long mane that was clearly dyed pink, obscured by the shadows.

“Jiiiiiiiiiiiiii~” she jii’d as she watched the two of you intently from her obvious hiding spot.

The orange mare shrunk back and clung onto you, much to your surprise.

“You wanna get some dinner first?” you joked unknowingly, looking down at her with a smirk.

“Now’s not the time for kiddin’ round, Anon…” she muttered, motioning over to the alley. You looked where she was motioning, and spotted the stalker hidden in the shadows.

“Jiiiiiiiiiiiiiii~”

You immediately felt unnerved upon hearing the universal chant of a yandere.

A yandere was a whole level of crazy that was even too crazy for you. Yet, for some reason, a lot of your fellow /a/utists actually fantasized about having a yandere follower.

Fucking retards.

Ignoring the stalker bitch, you turned back to Applejack, who looked like she was about to have a panic attack.

“Don’t worry about it, she’s harmless,” you said as you slung your arm around the mare.

That was a lie, of course. Anyone who knew anything about yandere knew they were emotionally unstable.

They also had a tendency to snap and try to kill the object of their obsession.

“Come on, let’s go drop these apples off and do something,” you urged her.

“Okay…”

After the two of your dropped off the apples, you made your way towards the castle, where much of festivities were taking place. Shit was very gay, to be frank, but with a booty like the one accompanying you and a very large amount of booze in your system, you were sure you would be able to enjoy yourself.

You fetched a couple overpriced beers from a vendor and walked over to your companion, who still appeared to be unnerved by the earlier incident.

“You cool, nigga?” you inquired as you handed the second beer over to her.

“Yeah, Ah’m just peachy, Anon,” she responded, snatching the bottle away from you.

“That’s a lie, isn’t it?” you took a seat on a nearby unoccupied bench and took a sip of your beer.

“Gee, how’d ya figure that one out?” she plopped down beside you and took a large drink from her bottle.

“Male intuition, I guess,” you said with a shrug, “just relax, man. Drink some booze and have some fun, that’s why we’re here, right?”

She answered your question by taking another large drink from her beer.

“Honestly Anon, the only reason why Ah agreed to stick around for the festival is for ya. Ah owe ya free booze, after all.”

“As much as I appreciate the thought, you look pretty shitty right now. I don’t mind heading back to Ponyville and hitting up Salty’s instead.”

The mare shook her head. “Nah, it’s too late now. Bandits travel the roads at night, so unless ya wanna end up stabbed in back, ya best hunker down for the night.”

“Fuck that bro, I can take some fucking bandits!” you declared as you flexed and showed off your gains, “WHAT ARE YA GONNA DO WHEN THE HULKSTER RUNS WILD ON YOU?!”

Applejack cracked a smile for the first time since you guys arrived in Canterlot. “Yeah, and Ah imagine with my kickboxing experience, we’d be a force to be reckoned with.”

“Especially with legs like those,” you motioned to her large, muscular rear legs with a growl, “I’d hate to be on the receiving end of those. I don’t imagine I’d get up again after taking a hit from them.”

A small giggle escaped AJ’s lips. “Shucks Anon, yer gonna make me blush.”

ALPHA MODE, ACTIVATE.

“You look cute as fuck when you blush.”

You noticed Applejack’s orange cheeks turn slightly pink as you said this.

“Anon… Ah… uh… heh…”

Aw fuck, you left this bitch speechless.

“What?”

She blinked, before looking off to the side with an intensifying blush. “Nothing, forget Ah said anything.”

The mare took a drink from her beer and leaned back against the bench with a content sigh. “Ah’m sorry about being a bit of a buzzkill, Anon. Ah should really be trying to enjoy myself, not having a panic attack over some crazy ex. It’s not like Ah get much time to have fun anyways, what with the farm and all...”

“Make the time, then,” you said, “life can’t be all work and no play. You gotta get down and party, nigga.”

“Easier said than done,” she responded.

“Bullshit man,” you spat out, “Big Mac can handle some extra work. Hell, I can work more if it’d make a difference.”

“Ya would?”

You nodded. “I have a moral obligation to help my bros out, and considering you’re pretty bro-tier, I guess you qualify. Even if that means taking a break from being me and working for once.”

Before you could react, you felt a pair of hooves tightly wrap around your midsection.

“Yer a sweetheart, ya know that?” she said, looking at you with a sheepish smile.

“I have my moments,” you said, before you returned the embrace.

…?

“Hey Anon… what’s that poking into my stomach…?”

“Don’t worry, it won’t bite. Not much, at least.”

“...ya have teeth down there…?”

You were about to tell the mare how silly that would be, but you were rudely interrupted by the last thing you wanted to hear.

“Jiiiiiiiiiiiiiii~”

God fucking dammit.

Applejack’s eyes widened as she also picked up on this, holding you tighter out of fear.

It’d be adorable, if it wasn’t for the fact she was crushing your fucking ribcage.

You shot your head towards the source of the noise, and spotted Applejack’s crazy ex standing just a mere couple feet away from you, a crazed look in her eyes.

Well shit.

“Get off of her…” she growled.

“Go fuck yourself, you bitch ass nigga,” you responded, squeezing the mare currently crashing your ribs even tighter, “this here’s my waifu. There are many like her, but this one is mine. Get your own.”

Wordlessly, the mare slowly began to stalk towards the two of you, that crazed look in her eyes growing worse by the second.

“Applejack, let go of me,” you ordered.

“No…”

“Please?”

She shook her head.

…

Fuck.

You rose up from your seat, the orange mare still clinging onto you, and presented yourself to your challenger.

The yandere grinned as she took you in.

“So the hairless ape doesn’t want to fuck off?” she inquired, before a maniacal chuckle escaped her lips, “Don’t worry my love, when I dispose of this insolent dog we can be together! Forever~”

You felt the pair of hooves that were crushing your ribs loosen their grip and detach as AJ separated from you. The mare looked over the crazed mare just feet away from you, then glanced up to you worriedly.

“Anon, Ah-”

“Don’t about it, I got this,” you interrupted her, “I have a foolproof plan on how to stop this bitch.”

“Oh? And what is your master plan?” you heard the yandere inquire, “Let me guess... you're going to kiss her in hopes it will drive me to insanity or something, right? Hah! That only worked in Space Dandy, that won’t work in real life.”

“No, my master plan is to- wait, you watch Space Dandy?”

“Of course, who doesn’t watch Space Dandy?”

“I know, right? It’s fucking amazing.”

“It’s truly the best little girl chinese cartoon out there.”

...

“...we’re getting off topic.”

“Agreed.”

You cleared your throat. “To answer your question, no, my plan isn’t to kiss Applejack. No... that comes later.”

You began to walk towards the yandere as your cracked your knuckles. “No, my master plan is much simpler... I’m just gonna smack the shit out of your ratchet ass.”

The crazed mare scoffed. “You think that you can beat me? Bitch, I’ll rip out your fucking throat and then feast on your bones. Today, you’re going to fucking die! Do you hear me?! You’re going to fucking-”

You had enough of this bitch.

You jumped up into the air, brought your knees up to your chest, and kicked out with all your strength. Your two feet made contact with the mare’s chest, the devastating blow sending the mare flying.

She landed a dozen feet or so away from you and collapsed as she impacted the ground. She groaned in pain, clutching her chest, before she sat up and stared at you. A mix of fear and shock was displayed on her face.

“W-what the f-fuck?!” she stammered out.

You began to approach the fallen yandere. “OH YEAH! LOOK AT YOU! YOU WERE POPPIN’ ALL THAT GOOD SHIT A SECOND AGO!”

“S-stay back!” she cried as she began to back away from you.

“THEN YOU GOT KICKED IN YOUR CHEST! YOU BITCH ASS NIGGA!”

The mare clambered up to her hooves, before she began to turn tail and run.

“NOT SO FAST, NIGGA!” you shouted as you grabbed her by the tail. You pulled her up the tail into the air and held her at eye level.

“P-please don’t hurt me!” she begged, “I’ll do anything!”

“Anything?!” you bellowed.

She shook her head violently in agreement.

You stared into the mare’s frightened eyes. “Don’t you ever, ever, EVER fuck with my waifu ever again. Or I’ll come back here and slap you silly. We clear?”

“C-crystal!”

“Good,” you said as you dropped the mare. She fell on her rump, looked up at you once, before she got up to her hooves and fled for her life.

“THAT’S RIGHT, YOU BETTER RUN! BITCH ASS NIGGA!” you shouted after her.

Boy, you sure loved nigga moments.

Wait, can you even have a nigga moment with a horse when you’re white?

You shrugged off this fact, since you generally didn’t give a shit. Besides, there were more pressing matters at hand.

Seeing that the yandere was now gone, you turned around and began making your way back to Applejack.

“I don’t think she’ll be fucking with you anymore,” you stated to the orange mare.

“Yeah… but did ya have to be so rough?” she inquired with a raised brow.

“You don’t understand nigga moments, do you?”

“Nah, not really.”

“All you need to know that wouldn’t have went down any other way,” you said as you patted the mare on the head reassuringly, “Although… I suppose maybe she was bluffing and maybe kissing you might’ve worked.”

“W-what?!” she stammered out in response, her cheeks turning a rosy shade of red.

“Oh nothing~” you responded in a singsong voice, “come on, you owe me some booze.”

As you tried to coax the mare into following you, you noticed that your antics how drawn quite the crowd.

“Huh…”

You eyed the large crowd that surrounded the two of you.

“Dafuq ya’ll looking at?!” you shouted at them.

Immediately after you open your mouth, a group of Royal Guards broke through the crowd and marched towards you.

“Freeze! You’re under arrest!” the lead guard declared.

“What?! What the fuck for?!”

“Aggravated assault and disturbing the peace.”

“Oh... well fuck me sideways...” you muttered, before you were tackled by a couple of Royal Guards.

After Applejack and a few other witnesses explained the situation to the guards, you were let off with a slap on the wrist.

Fuck the police, always trying to put a nigga down.

After being brutally oppressed by THE MAN, the two of you decided to say fuck it and head to the inn Applejack made reservations at.

“Ah’m gonna go take a shower, Anon,” your companion told you as two of you entered your room.

“Aight nigga, you have fun with that.”

As she made her way into the bathroom, you fell backwards onto your room’s bed with a sigh, majorly bummed you weren’t able to drink yourself into a coma like you assumed you would’ve been able to.

Life fucking blows sometimes.

Oh well, at least you got to spend time with the booty of your dreams. Big booty always makes shit better.

You shrugged. You guessed today was an acceptable day.

You reached for your emergency flask, as you felt a major need for a drink. The night wasn’t over yet, so-

!

“WHAT THE FUCK?!”

YOUR EMERGENCY FLASK WAS GONE.

You desperately began to pat yourself down, hoping that perhaps you placed it in a different pocket other than the usual one like a fucking retard, but found nothing but a few quarters.

...why the fuck do you have quarters in your pocket?

WAIT, THAT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER BECAUSE YOUR BOOZE IS MISSING.

“OH FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUG!” you exclaimed, before you dived off the bed, hoping that you may have dropped the flask somewhere on the floor.

While you were crawling around on your hands and knees in a desperate attempt to find your lost booze, Applejack wandered out of the bathroom.

She spotted you crawling around on the ground, looking under basically everything that was movable for your missing item.

“Ya… uh… ya looking for somethin’ pardner?” she inquired, perplexed by what she was seeing.

You shot your head up and looked at the mare as soon as you picked up her voice.

“Why is the rum gone?” you asked her.

“Huh?”

“The rum! Why is the rum gone?!”

Applejack watched on as you went into the fetal position and began to rock back and forth, asking yourself repeatedly why the rum was gone.

“Ah don’t have any rum, but Ah got some Applejack Daniel’s if yer up to sharing,” she said.

This got your attention.

“FUCK YEAH NIGGA!” you cheered as you raced over to the mare and pulled her into tight embrace, “Homies looking after homies, that’s what it’s all about, man!”

The orange earth pony giggled at your enthusiasm and returned the embrace.

“Ah’ll go fetch the bottle from luggage, then we’ll get plastered. That cool?”

“Bitchin’.”

It wasn’t long before you lost track of how many shots you did with your bro’s big booty-toting sister. By now, the once full container of Applejack Daniels was down to only a quarter of it’s full capacity, and two of were both heavily shitfaced.

The two of you downed yet another round of shots in unison, before you slammed your shot glass

“Another!” you slurred out as you shook your shot glass in front of the mare.

Much to your dismay, however, the mare didn’t pour you another shot.

“Hey Anon… Ah have a crazy idea…”

“Is it crazier than the reason why kids like cinnamon toast crunch?” you asked in a deadpan tone.

“Huh…?”

“Nothing, continue.”

“Well… uh… heh…”

“Come on gurl, spit it out.”

She took a deep breath. “Anon, ya wanna do body shots?”

You blinked, not quite believing what you just heard.

“Could you repeat that please?”

“Ah said… do ya wanna do body shots with me?”

OH FUCK!

YOU’RE IN NIGGA! YOU’RE FUCKING IN!

2KFUCKING14 YOU MADE IT!

“I would love to do body shots with you, Applejack,” you responded calmly, despite how you felt on the inside.

“Let’s take this over to the bed, then.”

OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK-

You briefly wondered if you were a bad enough dude to tame this booty.

Of course, in your heart, you knew you were.

“Ah got some limes and salt hidden in my luggage somewhere, give me a sec would ya?”

“Yeah man, take your time.”

You jumped onto the bed as your companion made her way over to her luggage.

Turning your head to her, you began to watch as she walked.

As always, it was entertaining to watch her ass bounce and wiggle with every step she took.

It got even better when she lowered the front of her body to stick her head in her bag.

AW SHIT!

LOOK AT DAT BOOTY!

10/10

Absolute perfection.

Leaning in for a closer look, you observed Applejack’s backside like a hawk watching it's prey.

Unsurprisingly, for someone who spent basically every single day working on a farm, her butt had a lot of muscle to it. They made it look shapely as hell. You were honestly surprised at how an ass with so much muscle could still be so circular and inviting. It was something you just wanted to pry apart with your bare hands.

Those flanks were the best you’d ever seen, to bury your face in between them would be to drink from the fountain of the elder gods themselves. So round and squeezable, yet so capable of wrecking your shit; the perfect combo for a perfect booty.

All in all, if you could put her ass into words it would be something like…

YES. Just. Fucking. YES.

If she would’ve just moved her tail a little…

...No such luck.

Fuck.

Wait a second…

You remembered something from earlier as stared into the mare’s ass.

Something that you realized that wanted to do ever since you laid eyes on that glorious postier of Applejack’s.

You also suddenly remembered why you carried quarters on you at all times.

Reaching into your pocket, you fished out a trio of quarters. You picked one out of the small pile, put the others aside, and took aim.

With precision accuracy, you tossed the quarter across the room. It flew true and impacted against Applejack’s perfect derriere. The quarter bounced off her ass and, after getting some surprisingly nice air, landed a couple feet away from Applejack.

You were in awe, as broscience (the best kind of science, as regular science was for fucking nerds) just confirmed that AJ’s ass is tight as hell right in front of you.

“Anon, did ya just throw something at me?” the subject of your experiments inquired, not even bothering to dig her head out of her luggage to look at you.

“Yeah, I threw a quarter at your ass to test how tight it was. You know, for science,” you responded casually.

“Oh, alright then,” she responded.

It wasn’t long before she backed away from her luggage, a bag of lemons, a container of salt, and some premium brand tequila in her possession. Carrying said supplies in her teeth, she began to trot over to the bed you were currently lying on.

“So do you ordinarily pack shit for body shots or something when you’re out of town?” you asked out of curiosity.

She stopped dead in her tracks. “Well… uh… to be honest, Ah kinda planned for this to happen. Ah thought it’d be fun to do with ya, ya know? Heh…”

…

You suddenly felt the tightness in your pants intensify beyond what you’ve ever experienced. Hell, your pants weren’t even this tight when you laid your eyes upon Applejack’s ass for the first time.

As the great sports-poet Tony Kornheiser once said… IT’S TIME!

Applejack hopped up onto the bed and crawled next you, before she dropped what she was carrying in between the two of you.

“We can’t exactly do body shots with yer clothes on, Anon,” she mare pointed out to you.

“L-lewd.”

In two swift motions of your hands, your shirt and pants came off, leaving you in your underwear.

Wait, should you be wearing these?

...No. What would make you think that, you dipshit?

You ripped off your last piece of clothing, leaving you completely naked.

Hell yeah.

As fast as you could, you grabbed the salt, and headed to AJ’s position. It looked like she already had the lime in her mouth and ready to go. You leaned over her, and began to sprinkle the salt in a trail up the mare’s neck.

Not even bothering showing any restraint, you dove in, licking the salty powder from her coat. After that, you moved up to Applejack’s face, ready for the chunk of sour, green fruit. Lowering your face to hers, you took the lime from her mouth, intentionally letting your lips linger against hers.

Before you could get too into it, you pulled away, chewing the lime up, and downing it with a shot of tequila.

“WOO!” you cheered immediately after you swallowed, “That was fucking awesome!”

“Now it’s yer turn, sugarcube.”

Oh lawdy.

Applejack hopped off of the bed, making way for you to lie down. This was something you took little time doing, almost crushing the bed from jumping onto it. You reached over to grab a slice of the lime, but were met with thin air.

“Yo AJ, you know where the-”

You were cut off when the sour fruit was jammed in your mouth by an orange hoof.

That was pretty fucking rough.

Unf.

The farm pony remained silent as she sprinkled salt in a trail from just below the beginning of your pubic bone, up to your belly button.

OH FUCK YEAH.

A moist sensation suddenly took you off guard as AJ touched her tongue to the start of the trail, and moved up at an agonizingly slow pace. It travelled up your body, leaving a thin path of saliva in its wake.

Sweatingman.jpg

When Applejack was done with that, she moved herself up, coming eye to eye with you on the bed. After staring at you for a few seconds, Then, she leaned in, opening her mouth much wider than it needed to be. Your own mouth was covered completely as the mare stuck her tongue into your mouth, grabbing the lime and pulling it out.

The two of you separated, leaving a string of spit connecting your faces for a split second.

One thing was for certain...

Applejack was definitely into this. Perhaps even as into this as you were.

“Damn son,” you commented.

It was time to kick shit up a notch.

It appeared that Applejack had the same idea as you. You rolled off the bed, opening it up for her to take. This time though, instead of lying on her back, she laid on her side, giving off an amazing view of dat booty. You watched as the orange pony took a lime slice and slipped it in between her two ass cheeks.

Dong near maximum expansion.

Next, she grabbed the salt and put it on one of her ears, then looked at you with a sultry expression.

Who were you to deny such an offer?

Kneeling down, you looked over the mare. This time instead of placing your tongue on the salt, you put the tip of her ear in your mouth. Slowly, you moved your mouth down her ear, nibbling at it as you lapped up the salt.

You swore you heard a moan come from your partner as you did this.

All too soon, the salt was gone, but that meant you could move on to the next part. The BEST part. Still crouching by the bed, you moved down her perfect body, stopping at the booty you worshipped so much. For a while, you stared into the abyss that was Applejack’s ass, taking some time to appreciate being able to look at it so closely without repercussion.

Eventually, you couldn’t take it anymore, and you dove in, refusing to take any subtlety in your action. A low grunt was heard upon your connection.

Apparently, you weren’t the only one enjoying this.

With your face pressing in and your lips spread across the landscape, you stuck your tongue out to grab the lime, mirroring her earlier action. Thrusting out, your taster connected with something warm and soft, and it sure as hell didn’t taste like a lime.

While you were trying to contemplate what you just did, you heard Applejack let loose what almost sounded like a squeak.

The fuck? Applejack didn’t seem like a squeaker to you.

OH WELL, THIS BITCH’S SQUEAKING WAS ONLY MAKING YOUR PENIS HARDER.

You kept your tongue trailing up her moist slit before hooking it behind the lime and pulling it into your mouth. Applejack’s moans were a signal that you had done a good job.

Chewing a now slightly apple-tasting lime, you moved away from the glorious applebutt and took a shot.

It was your turn again, so the pony rolled off of the bed, allowing you access.

Once again, you hopped onto the bed, sprawled and grabbed a lime piece.

This time, you set the slice on top of your chest, flexing your PECS OF STEEL to hold it in place. A sense of pride swelled in your chest as you saw Applejack’s eyes widen as you did so. You poured salt from your belly to your chest muscles.

Bitches be mirin’.

“Come git sum!”

Unsurprisingly, AJ listened without hesitation, hopping up on the bed and pinning you down. Sloppily, she began to lick up the salt, leading up to your tightened chest. You were somewhat surprised when she buried her face in your chest and ripped the lime from your walls of steel.

With a triumphant grin, she chewed up the food, took a shot of tequila, and swallowed.

“Yer turn, Anon…”

"Kickass!"

It was getting really hot in here at this point; you were getting curious as to what was going to happen next.

The cowpony jumped to the bed, landing on her back and grabbing a lime in the process.

Wonder where she’s gonna-

Applejack moved her hooves to between her back legs. When she removed it, you could see half of the lime sticking out of her vagina.

OH FUUUUUCK-

Then, she spread the salt from her inner thigh, all the way up to her already wet cunt.

In the words of the wise Senator Ron Paul… IT’S FUCKING HAPPENING.

You hopped up to the bed, pinning her down much like she did with you earlier. Hastily, you ate the salt off of her leg, slowly but surely getting up to her pussy.

The time came quicker than you expected, and your nose bumped into the halfway protruding fruit.

You really wanted to savor this moment.

“Anon, don’t just stare at it!” she cried, growing impatient, “Eat it!”

Dammit.

Oh well, there was no way you could ever deny her request.

With all due haste, you put your mouth against her sopping marehood. The lime was only a secondary objective at this point. You sucked the lime out, chewed it, and swallowed it; all while keeping your mouth against her folds. After that pesky obstruction was out of the way, you slipped your tongue into her hot tunnel.

“A-ah!”

Something bumped against your nose, leaving a massive, wet, sticky spot. It did this repeatedly as you licked. Deciding to see what was up, you noticed your partner’s clitoris winking out of her vulva.

This was a confusing feel, but you decided to keep on trucking regardless.

You lapped up as much of Applejack’s juices as possible. Ironically, they were a great way to wash the lime and tequila down.

Soon enough, licking the inside of her wet tunnel got a bit stale, and you began to wander out to different regions. As much as it gave you conflicting feelings, you ended working towards the pony’s winking clit. After taking a quick breath to prepare yourself, you gave it a lick once it popped out.

“AAAH!”

This mare was a yeller, that’s for sure.

Not to mention, licking this thing wasn’t all bad, either.

Minutes passed as you ate out Applejack. it didn’t take too long for you to find a good pace for going at her genitals. You’d lick up, down, and inside, then linger on her clitoris.

Suddenly, your work was briefly interrupted when the strong earth mare wrapped her legs around your head, pressing you into her pelvis even harder.

This did not deter you, though. You pushed onward, determined to bring Applejack to orgasm.

As it turned out, you really didn’t have to work much longer, as her grip on your head tightened to the point of almost breaking your neck. As she did this, a massive torrent of sticky mare juice poured over your face.

“Ah… hah… Boy Anon, your fingers ain’t the only handy tool on ya…” Applejack panted out.

“Shut up bitch, I know it,” you responded casually from down under before you pulled away, wiping away at the juices covering your face.

Applejack worked her way onto her hooves, grabbing you by the arm.

“Ayy gurl, what the fu-” you began to say.

You were flipped to your back and pinned down on the bed by the surprisingly strong farm pony.

“Anon… Ah didn’t get the chance to properly thank ya for earlier…”

“NANI?!”

She lifted her body into the air, positioning her sopping wet cunt just above the tip of your penis.

It was finally happening. You were going to fuck AJ.

Long have you fantisized about this.

However, just as she was about to slam her pussy down onto your throbbing cock, she fell forward. With a heavy thump, Applejack collided with your body, unconscious.

...well fuck.

You laid there in the nude, completely shitfaced, covered in vaginal juices, and being drooled on by your bro’s lightly snoring little sister.

Honestly, it wasn’t a bad way to end the day.

Not bad at all.

“...what in the name of fuck is that smell? And why the hell do I feel so fucking sticky?”

You rubbed your eyes and attempted to sit up, but a mass on your chest prevented you from moving.

You looked to see what was holding you back and spotted Applejack sprawled out on top of you.

“Na... ni?” you asked nobody in particular in confusion.

As you spoke, Applejack stirred in her sleep. A small yawn escaped her lips as her eyes fluttered open, before she glanced up to you.

“Mornin’ sugarcube…”

You blinked as you began to absorb the situation you had found yourself in.

“Yo… did we fuck or something?”

The mare gave you an inquisitive look. “Ya don’t remember last night?”

“Hardly,” you responded, struggling to remember what happened last night through your pounding hangover, “I just remember getting shitfaced with you after we got in.”

“Oh…”

“Why?” you asked, “Did something happen last night?”

Applejack seemed to hesitate for a few moments, as if she was thinking something over in her head, before she shook her head. “Nah… nothin’. We just drank a shit-ton and passed out on each other, Ah guess.”

“Well fuck...” you said with a sigh.

Why’s it so hard for a nigga to get some? Fuck, these blue balls are bitch.

...though, for some reason, they weren't nearly as bad as they were the previous day.

Odd.

“Would ya feel better if we grabbed some waffles before we head home?”

Your eyes lit up as you flashed her a grin. “Yes, I would love some waffles right about now.”

The two of you got out of bed, checked out, and started the day off right with some motherfucking waffles, before heading back to Ponyville.

Of course, the moment you got home, you drank yourself into a coma, as usual.

Life was pretty fucking good.

Chapter V: Anonymous and the Tickle Fetishist

It was early in the morning when you began to awaken from your drunken slumber. Your vision was flooded with a bright light, which had caused you to stir. The sunlight’s attempt to break through your closed eyes was met with a muffled grunt as you adjusted your position on your mangled bed, trying to fight the hangover that pounded at your magnificent dome. Your objective was set. The latest short term goal in your odd little life would be a simple, yet challenging task. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, was… to close those fucking blinds so you could get some more sleep.

The clock at your bedside confirmed your thoughts about the earliness of the day.

12:40 PM.

Nobody gets up that fucking early.

Oh well, the sooner you got that done, the sooner you could sleep, you decided. The muscles in your body tensed as you forced yourself to your side, your head pounding all the while. Eventually, floor met feet for the first time that day.

With a manly roar of defiance against your aching legs, you got up, and began to stumble your groggy ass over to the window. It took two straight minutes of fumbling with the damn things, but you eventually got the bastards closed, shrouding your room in the darkness you so desired. After dragging yourself back to bed, you leaned forward and set your body on a collision course with your mattress.

“GAH..! Jesus... fuck…”

You forgot about the damn hangover. Fuck it, maybe the pain would make you pass out, and you could just save this shit for later.

At least, that’s what you were hoping UNTIL THE FUCKING KNOCKING STARTED.

“God damn fucking Mormons...”

You figured they would eventually just go away, so you decided to ignore it.

One minute passed.

Then two.

Then six.

Jesus fucking Christ, these niggas were fucking persistent.

As much as you wanted to continue to ignore the knocking, the noise ended up causing your bro to stir as well.

“Anon… go get the fucking door,” Lyra muttered groggily.

“God fucking dammit...”

You couldn’t believe you were about to give in to the unwelcomed visitor at your front door.

This was really unlike you.

Then again, if you could just get up and rough this asshole up a bit, you could sleep again that much sooner.

It didn’t take you nearly as long to crawl out of bed and traverse across the treacherous land of your house. Upon arrival, you grabbed your trusty nine-iron from the pile of blunt objects stacked in the corner next to the exit of your house.

Wait…

This wouldn't do.

Putting back the golfing equipment, you brought out something that was much more effective.

The best blunt object of them all.

In one swift motion, you ripped off your underpants, letting your pride swing in the air.

Fuck. Yes.

Now THAT’S a weapon. You didn’t care if it was some bunch of filly scouts out the door, the laws here could stuff it up their ass.

Fuck da police.

“DONG EXPANSION POWERS, ACTIVATE!”

With your soldier on point, you grabbed the door handle, twisted it, and ripped the fucker open.

“I DON’T WANT ANY FUCKING SAMOAS!”

You awaited the shriek of terror from whatever unfortunate soul that had decided to knock on your door. However, the pleasing scream of shock and disgust was never heard.

“Anon, put that thing away! Behavior like this isn’t necessary!” cried a feminine voice coming from just a bit below you.

OH SHIT, THE JANITOR'S HERE TO STOP YOUR FUN! FOR FREE!

Wait a second... janitors aren't chicks...

You glanced down and spotted Twilight standing at the door with an annoyed expression.

“C’mon Sparklebutt, you know you like it!”

You wiggled your hips around for emphasis, letting your cock flail about as if you were doing the silent helicopter dick.

Bitches love the helicopter dick.

However, the purple pony reeled back in disgust, clearly appalled by your actions.

“Seriously, that’s disgusting! And stop calling me Sparklebutt!”

Deciding to lay off for a bit, you stopped your gyrating and spoke up.

“Well, excuuuse me, pr-” you didn’t even have a chance to finish before the annoyed princess stopped you.

“No, no terrible references to terrible shows, either,” Twilight said with an annoyed look on her face.

Well, somebody had a two foot long dildo stuck up their ass.

“Alright alright. What’s up?” you asked your visitor.

The mare paused, seemingly not able to look you in the eye. Obviously you knew what the problem was, but that doesn’t mean you were going to fix it. With a shit eating grin, you awaited a response.

“Nothing, huh? Why are you here then?” you inquired, still getting quite a kick out of the whole thing, “I bet you just wanted to see me naked, you perv.”

“N-no! N-nothing like that, it’s just… I uh… I can’t…” Twilight stammered as she tried to look everywhere but your body, “Anon, I came over to get you started on your lessons…”

Lessons? What did she-

Oh.

That shit.

She continued, “Today, I’m going to have you go over to speak with one of my friends. Her name is Fluttershy. I figured that maybe seeing as she was able to reform Discord, that she’d be able to help you, too.”

Wait, reform? Was this some master plan to brainwash you into becoming some mindless drone whose only job would be to fit in a politically correct society?

No way would you go through with that.

“I don’t need reforming, Sparklebutt, I’m perfect as is,” you said as you grabbed a nearby can of beer and chugged it down, finishing it off with a loud belch, “besides, I got more important things to do anyways. Like being ironic.”

“It’s either that, or I give you a ticket for public indecency. And don’t get me started on the fine for inappropriate exposure around royalty,” Twilight said with a tinge of smugness to her voice.

This bitch.

“Ugh, fine…”

You moved to leave your shitty apartment, but you were halted by a magical barrier.

“Stop right there! I’m not letting you leave your apartment without any clothes on.”

“Bitch, nobody stops me from streaking,” you declared as you struck a pose that showed off your genitals even more, “I love to feel the breeze between my knees in the morning. It's an essential part to starting my day.”

“Cry all you want, but it’s not happening, Anon.”

“Fuck, fine! It’s not fair! Why do you horses get to walk around naked and I don’t?” you demanded.

“Because we have retractable genitals and you don’t,” Twilight pointed out in a matter of factly way.

“Gross, didn’t need to know that, Sparklebutt,” you said as you began to make your way back inside.

Before you could get all the way in, you saw the two halves of your boxers begin to glow a reddish purple as they floated off the ground and began to reform before coming over in front of you. You put your hands out and caught them as the magic faded. Looking at them, you noticed that they were as good as new.

You snorted.

“Thanks.”

About a minute later, you were fully dressed and ready to do whatever dastardly plan the princess/librarian hybrid had in store for you. By the time you made your way back to the living room, you saw that Twilight had invited herself in and was sitting on one of the chairs at your kitchen table. You’d be kind of miffed, but realize you probably would have ended up letting her in at some point anyway.

“So, what’s the next step of your master plan?” you asked as you placed yourself on a seat opposite of her.

“Well, I was thinking about having you go over there and just talking to her,” she said as she went over some papers she had brought with her.

“So, this is the quiet, possibly insane one that lives by the forest, right?”

Twilight hit her face with her hoof before she responded. “Ugh… I guess you are partially correct. She is quiet, and lives near the forest, but quiet and crazy aren’t-”

“FUCKING AWESOME, I LOVE CRAZY!” you exclaimed, interrupting the mare.

This time, the alicorn slammed her head onto your table.

“Hey, watch that horn of yours, Sparklebutt. You'll take somebody's eye out with that.”

You heard Twilight’s muffled voice speak to you. “Just get out of here before I decide to just ticket you instead…”

“Go ahead and ticket me, bitch,” you said as you rose and began to make your way towards the door, “I get all my money from the government anyways.”

You arrived at the door and kicked that shit open, stepping out of the way of the exit.

“Go on, you first. Age before beauty, after all!”

An agitated grunt was your only response as the darkly colored mare makes her way past you.

“Oh, and Sparklebutt?”

She paused and looked back at you.

“Nice ass,” you stated with a smug grin.

For a moment, you swore you saw her lower eyelid twitch. Then, she just sighed, rolled her eyes and kept her pace.

The day was bright and clear as you walked the streets of Ponyville, which betrayed how you felt at that moment. Your mind still felt like it was shrouded in a haze of alcohol and bad decisions. Honestly, you would have rather been doing anything else but this. It was almost like having to do community service.

What’s it with the police always trying to put a nigga down?

Oh well, there’s much worse things than hanging out with some mare who sounds like she desperately need to get laid, like picking up trash, or scooping up horse shit.

You shrugged, deciding that you might as well get this shit over and done with. The sooner you got back to being passed out drunk in your shitty apartment, the better.

As you ranted to yourself inside of your head, you didn’t really notice yourself arriving at what looked to be a cottage covered in grass and plants. Whoever lived here clearly has never heard of property upkeep.

The place also smelt heavily of animal feces as well.

“This bitch better not be one of those crazy animal hoarding chicks...” you muttered to yourself disgusted.

This day just kept getting better and better.

You forced your way up to the front door of what you then assumed to be an oversized toilet. Raising your hand, you turned it around and used your first two knuckles to knock on the door. As you waited, you went over the possibilities of what was in store for you today. All you were really supposed to do was hang out with this Fluttershy.

Hopefully her house wouldn’t stink as bad as it smelt outside.

To your surprise, you heard the doorknob twist, and the door unlatched. A single teal eye was all you could see through the crack.

“Ayy gurl, where the big booty hoes at?”

The eye behind the door widened for a second, looking surprised at your question.

“U-um… What..?”

This bitch deaf or something?

You backed up from the door and widened your arms.

“WHERE ARE THE BIG BOOTY HOES?!”

A near inaudible squeak was your response.

“WHAT?!”

The occupant of the house seemed to shrink back a bit, even though you could hardly see her.

“I-I don’t know what y-you’re talking about…” she uttered in a quiet, high pitched voice.

“WHAT?!” you inquired once more, putting your hand up to your ear.

“I s-said I-I don’t know what you m-mean…” the mare just barely spoke.

“OKAY!”, you lowered your hand and approached the door, “Sparklebutt sent me to play male escort or something for the day.”

The door remained slightly open as you got your next response.

“Escort..? But I’m not going anywhere…”

You blinked.

This bitch serious?

“Eh… fuck it, it doesn’t matter. Sparklebutt sent me over for something to do with the magic of friendship or something else along those lines.”

The door seemed to open up a bit more, revealing more of Fluttershy’s eye.

“Oh… Twilight sent you..? She DID mention something about sending a visitor over…” said the quiet voice.

“Yeah, some advance notice would have been nice, but whatever,” you stated, still a bit pissed that you were forced into this, “so you gonna let me in, or am I gonna be standing here all day? Standing here’s killing my gains, bro.”

“Well… I’m not so-” she began to say before getting interrupted.

“Great, sounds good, bro,” you said as you grabbed the door and swung it open.

The pony let out an “eep” as you ripped the door from her grasp and walked inside. Shockingly, the smell wasn't that bad inside of the cottage, even though you could see a few bird cages and mouse holes in the walls.

You looked down at the sole member of the household, just now getting your first view of her up close. A yellow pegasus with a pink mane and butterflies on her ass.

Her ass…

This spoke to you. It required closer inspection.

You tried to get a closer look, but her body seemed to turn to face you no matter where you went.

This was definitely going to be a difficult task.

It was time to try a classic trick.

“Yo, what’s that out the window?” you inquired as you pointed your finger at one close by.

“Hm..?”

Just as you desired, the pale mare turned to look out the window that your outstretched digit was faced at.

HAHA, TIME FOR BOOTY!

You leaned in closer, taking in the full view.

Her flanks were round, and filled in at just the right places, though a bit slender altogether. Either way, they were a great shape that just begged to be squeezed.

“I don’t see anything…”

“Keep looking, I’m sure you’ll find it eventually.”

“Oh… okay…”

Another test was in order. Looking could only do so much.

“Holy fuck, is that a black widow?” you asked in mock alarment.

Quickly, you stretched out your fingers and swatted at her ass. After all your years as an expert on the booty, a quick swipe was all you needed to judge how good this booty was.

It had just enough cushion to ripple on impact, but enough firmness not to be totally fat.

Yes, this is something you could get into. This was a booty; not nearly as good as Applejack’s, of course, but something you’d love to stick your dick in nonetheless.

Humorously enough, after you slapped her, the shock of the action was enough to make her flip out.

Flip out the window, that is.

The fuck was this bitch’s deal?

You leaned out the window, investigating the scene.

“I-is… Is the spider o-okay..?”

This bitch.

You reached into your pocket, grabbing a black wad of lint and holding it out. You figured she’d be too dazed to tell the difference.

“Don’t worry, Spider Bro’s aight.”

The delirious pony looked back up at your hand with an oblivious smile.

“Oh… Thank goodness…”

After helping the frightened mare back inside and cleaning her up, you found yourself alone with her in the cottage’s living room.

You liked where this was going.

“Do you have any booze?”

“No…”

“God dammit.”

You fished your emergency flask out of your pocket and took a swig from it. “Alright, what exactly am I here for?”

“W-well, um.. I haven’t really… thought of anything yet…”

A bit of an irritated expression crossed your face.

“O-oh, but if there’s something you want to do, that would be fine, too..!”

A mischievous smile spread across your face.

“Cool,” you said as you perked up, “Fluttershy, today, I’m going to teach you the magic of broship and how to be a bro yourself. Because the magic of friendship is some gay nigga bullshit."

The pegasus looked at you inquisitively.

“Broship..?”, she spoke in a curious tone.

You reached inside of your scorpion jacket’s and produced a small book. “This is the Bro Code, the most important piece of literature ever written.”

You handed it to her, and began to recite what it contained from memory. “Broship is the bond between two or more individuals that goes beyond friendship. Broship is a spiritual bond, a kinship. Someone who is your bro is basically your sibling, as the name suggests, just without any blood relation. Get what I’m saying?”

“I… guess so…” Fluttershy responded, still taking in the information.

This might be harder than you thought.

“Here, take a drink,” you said, offering your flask to the yellow pegasus, “it will purify you of your sins.”

She leaned in a bit closer, taking a careful sniff.

“Are you sure this is okay..?” she said, backing off a bit.

“It’s more than okay! Forty proof straight vodka is a necessity for a bro’s survival,” you answered, holding the container a bit closer.

After what looked like a massive debate in the pony’s head, she took it in her front two hooves, and took a small sip.

“Come on, you lightweight! You can take more than that,” you said, tilting the flask up further to allow more booze to pour into her mouth.

She struggled for a bit, but managed to swallow what you emptied down her throat. The mare let out a few high pitched coughs, eventually calming down enough to breathe normally again.

“PRAISE THE FONZ!” you cried before you took your flask back and took a swig from it, “You feeling it now, Fluttershy?”

The mare spat a few times, trying to clear her mouth of the aftertaste. “Um… Sure..?”

“Here, drink some of this,” you willed a can of Baja Blast into existence and tossed it to the mare.

God, you loved being a Gary Stu.

Being the dirty coward she was, all she did was cover her face with her hooves as it bounced off her skull.

“...Right… Just… drink that.” you deadpanned.

The pony did as she was told, picking the metal can off of the floor, and positioning it to open it up. Grabbing the tab by her teeth, she cracked the seal, only to be assaulted by a fountain of fizzy liquid.

Seriously.

Fucking seriously.

Even though this was wearing on your patience, you still burst into laughter.

“Looks like you got something on your face, dipshit.”

You kind of expected Fluttershy to react a bit more mopey at what just happened. What you didn’t expect, though, was for her to start giggling with you.

“Hehehehe… I wasn’t expecting *HIC* that…” she slurred out.

“NOBODY EXPECTED THE SPANISH INQUISITION EITHER!” you declared.

Then it registered to you. She hiccuped.

Fucking lightweight.

Either way, IT WAS HAPPENING.

“This feels pretty good…” said the now drunken pegasus.

“FUCK YEAH BRO!”

You gave yourself a congratulatory pat on the back for corrupting this once innocent mare. Your bros would be so proud of you. What the ponies here said (well, you liked to imagine they did) was true: Nobody could resist your charm.

“Yeah… brooo…” Cheered the timid pony, her hooves slowly flailing in the air.

Unexpectedly, Fluttershy got to her hooves, swaying a little as she steadied herself. She approached you, staggering a bit. You half expected for her to fall into you, but when she was only a few inches away, she stopped. With surprising dexterity, she got up on her hind hooves, brought out her front hoof, and pressed it against your nose.

“Hehehehe… Boop!”

This bitch was gonna give you a fucking heart attack.

“Anon… Hehe, I bet you can’t find me!” She giggled out, flying away to some unknown location.

Nigga be leavin’ you here like you were nothing.

“God dammit.”

AND SO BEGAN THE HUNT FOR THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME: THE BOOTY.

You drank some more from your flask before giving chase. The last time you saw her, she was heading upstairs.

How she didn’t fall as she climbed was beyond you.

“Swiggity swooty, I’m coming for that booty!” you bellowed as you hopped up multiple stairs at a time.

Now, if you were a drunk pony, where would you hide..?

!

You quickly undid your pants and took a peek inside.

Nothing….

What a disappointment.

Where else…

After many a minute of thinking, you just decided to aimlessly wander through the house until you found the hidden booty of the animal cottage.

It felt like an eternity as you searched for your yellow acquaintance.

“FLUTTERSHYYYY, COME OUT AND PLAA-AY!”

“N-no…!”

Oooh, a fighter.

You liked that.

Plus, she had just given away her position.

With all the speed of a drunken Kenyan, you ran to where you heard her voice emanate from.

“Here I come, Butterbutt!” you yelled at the top of your lungs.

“Y-you won’t catch me!” She squeaked out.

That statement was just enough to lead you to where she was hiding. Rounding the corner of the hall, you spotted the doorway to Fluttershy’s bedroom. You stepped in, slowly looking all around. It really wasn’t a challenge to find her when you did. From under her bed you could see a plump pony ass and a pink tail sticking out.

FUCKING NICE!

Kneeling down, you put a hand on each of her flanks, and began to pull.

“O-oh my..!”

You had her right where you wanted her. The booty was yours. You pulled back, slowly exposing more and more of her body.

“YES, I’VE GOT YOU NOW!” you bellowed triumphantly.

“N-no! Lemme go..!” whined the pegasus as she squirmed around in your grip.

And then, with an unexpected amount of force, she pushed off of your chest and broke free of your grip.

“It’s your turn now, Anon!” Fluttershy slurred excitedly.

“Well shit...” you commented, before you exited the room.

The yellow mare turned around, covering her eyes. You would have started looking around for a hiding spot sooner, but you were distracted by the big ass pointing right at you.

“One… Two… Three…”

Oh fuck, she was counting.

You looked around, trying to think of a spot to hide. This place was unfamiliar to you, so you’d have to act quick to find a spot before she finished. Quickly, you stumbled down the hall and back downstairs. There weren’t many places to hide here that weren’t obvious. In fact, ALL of these places were obvious. Not much time was left. Around you was a broom closet, a crawlspace, and a bunch of other places that wouldn’t hide you for more than a few seconds.

Looks like it was going to have to be the closet. You were hoping for something so much better.

Fuck it, why do you even give a fuck?

You opened the door and stepped inside, surrounding yourself in darkness. Hopefully there weren’t any skeletons in here. You really didn’t wanna get spooked.

About a minute passed, and you were still unsure about any skeletal presence. Then, an idea came to mind.

If you wanted to avoid the skeletals, you’d have to BE the skeletal! It was time to unleash your master plan.

You are Anonymous, destroyer of cunts. Or as you like to call yourself right now, Mister "Pull a Trigga on a Nigga" Bones.

It was a really good thing you were able to will a skeleton suit onto your body. You were certain if you didn't, a skeleton would have come out of hiding and spook you.

“Aaanon… Wh-where are you..? Please, I’m kind of s-scared…” You heard a shaky voice from the other side of the door.

Ohboyohboyohboy.

Your muscles tensed as you heard Fluttershy’s hoofsteps got closer.

Dis was gon’ b gud.

Closer and closer she came, until finally, she was in front of the door. Through the space between the door and the floor, you could see her shadow; it had stopped right where you needed it to.

Without a moment to spare, you bursted out of the door, in all of your boney greatness.

“OOGABOOGABOOGA!” you yelled at the unexpecting mare.

She fell over like a fainting goat.

“YOU JUST GOT FUCKING SPOOKED, NIGGA!”

You began to dance around in your skeleton suit.

Fluttershy remained as stiff as a board.

Heh, stiff.

“Relax nigga, it was just a joke!” you claimed as you began to take the mask of your skeleton suit off of your face.

“A j-joke..? Oh.. thank goodness…” sighed Fluttershy.

The pegasus got back to her hooves, still sufficiently drunk enough to have trouble in the process.

She eyed you curiously.

“Are… are you really a skeleton, Anon?”

“No… but there’s a skeleton inside of me.”

You suddenly rushed towards Fluttershy and grabbed her, holding her up to your face. “THERE’S A SKELETON INSIDE YOU RIGHT NOW!”

She giggled in your grasp.

“Anon, that tickles..!”

That was quite a surprise, seeing as how drunk she was.

“Oh really now?”

With a near sadistic grin, you laid the small pony down on her back, and began to bury your fingers into the sides of her belly.

“Eehehehe… ehEEEHEE! S-S-STOP!”

You began to laugh along with her as you kept up your finger attack.

“No can do, bro! You’re stuck here with the twat tickler until Sparklebutt gets here!”

The entire time this was happening, you had to dodge incoming hooves to various parts of your body.

“Jeez, bitch, watch where you’re swinging those things, will ya?” you grunted, moving your lower half away from an incoming kick to the nuts.

“O-only if you let go of m-me… b-b-bitch!” Fluttershy cursed.

Oh. She done it. She done GOOFED.

“FLUTTERSHY, WE NEED TO COOK!”

You let go of her midsection, and moved down to one of her still kicking hooves.

“Cook...?” she asked, panting.

Another grin adorned your face once you got ahold of a hoof.

“Yeah… my fingers are the fire, your hoof is the beaker!”

And then you began to tickle her hoof. Fluttershy’s laughter roared up again, only much stronger. Her laughs echoed throughout the large room; something nobody around here would expect from such a quiet personality.

The pony’s normally pale yellow face was slowly getting redder as her laughs put more strain on her. To follow up the previous metaphor, she was almost literally coming to a boil.

“Nnngh… A-anon… I-I… I think I’m going….”

Fluttershy’s face got redder and redder, and her laughs began to get mixed in with moans. Beads of sweat formed on her forehead as she gritted her teeth, and finally, with one last high pitched squeal, you felt a burst of sticky hot liquid hit the hand holding her leg.

“WHAT THE FUCK?!”

THIS. FUCKING. BITCH.

“Oh no… Oh no oh nooooo…”

“WHAT IN THE NAME OF FUCK DID YOU DO?!”

“Anon, p-please! I didn’t mean to...!”

This was seriously unbelieveable. Sure, you heard of people getting off on weird things, but that was ridiculous.

“P-please... Don’t be mad…”

You weren’t mad, just surprised. But you’d be damned if you couldn’t say your hand smelled quite a bit different now.

“Fuck! You could’ve at least bought me dinner first….”

At this, Fluttershy’s terrified expression cracked. It began to change from that of horror to one that was on the verge of bursting out into laughter.

Turns out your observation was spot on, as she began to chuckle at your comment. This laughter seemed to be quite contagious, as you began to join in.

The absurdity of the whole situation was just too much to handle.

“You know, it’s funny,” you began to muse as you regained control of yourself, “Big Mac said the other day I didn’t know the first thing about foreplay with a mare, and here I am, making you cum like it’s nothing. He can eat a dick.”

“W-well…” The timid mare started. “You… y-you did do good. You found out my… um… my…”

You looked at her in confusion.

“Spit it out. Your what?”

Her cheeks returned to the red that they were when you were tickling her.

“You found... my fetish… and you didn’t even know...”

“FUCK YEAH- wait, what?”

The only response you got was a nod.

“Cool. That’s really fucking cool, man. Victory drink?” you inquired, pulling out your flask.

The two of you sat up, deciding to sit on the floor.

You took the first drink, then handed it over to Fluttershy, who was much less hesitant to grab the flask this time around.

The next few minutes were spent just making small talk as you both drank from what seemed to be a bottomless container of booze.

It was robably just the magic of Broship at work.

“Anon, I came to check on- what’s that smell?”

“Oh, sup, Sparklebutt?” you asked, propping yourself up against Fluttershy as you noticed the purple alicorn enter the cottage

“Hello Twilight,” the yellow mare greeted on cue.

There the two of you sat, drinking alcohol while sitting in a puddle of mare juice. You were still a skeleton from the neck down, and Fluttershy was drunk off of her ass.

Any sane being to walk into the room would most likely have a mental breakdown trying to figure out just what the fuck was going on.

And yes, Twilight was right. There was one hell of a smell. You had no idea how you would explain that her friend just so happened to have a tickling fetish, and you just so happened to invoke it.

So you said what any person would say.

“What’s really good, bitch?” you inquired.

Nailed it.

The look on the purple alicorn’s face was priceless.

“Y-y-y-you… did you just… I can’t… WHAT?!”

“Bitch, did I stutter? What’s real fucking good?” you asked once again.

“Yeah bitch…” Fluttershy slurred out, “stop being so rude and answer the man.”

“See, you’re getting it. Congratulations,” You congratulated the yellow pegasus with a hand in the air, and Fluttershy reciprocated with a few vague waves of her hoof. You figured that was good enough, and turned back to the venting pony at the door.

Twilight’s eyelid started to twitch as her mouth hung agape.

“Anon, what did you DO?! I mean, look at this! Fluttershy is drinking, you’re dressed in some bone suit, and I’m almost certain that’s vaginal secretions you’re both sitting in!”

“Yeah, and?” the two of you asked in unison.

“I can’t believe this… I leave you alone for one hour, ONE HOUR, and you manage to completely corrupt my friend! Do you not know what the magic of friendship is? You know what? Don’t answer that. I’m sure you don’t…” Twilight fumed.

“What’s all this about the ‘magic of friendship’, man? That's fucking gay, bro, it’s all about the magic of broship.”

“Broship… oh no, Fluttershy, don’t tell me he’s brainwashed you with this gunk, too…”

Brainwash? That’s just downright offensive.

“Not at all, Twilight… Anon is great! He’s a real bro.”

“You can’t be serious. You must be playing some kind of joke, right?”

Fluttershy shook her head. “I'm telling you, Anon’s cool, Twilight.”

You took two of your fingers and ran them through the fluid on the floor.

“Here, you wanna test and see for yourself?” you said as you held your hand out, “Use your fancy lab equipment and tell me this ain’t real!”

A single sniff was all she needed to push her over the edge. Her eyes rolling into the back of her head, Twilight promptly fell to the ground with a thud, unconscious.

Bitchin'.

“Yo Fluttershy, hand me that marker over there, will ya?”

She nodded, and walked over to the table that the permanent marker you pointed out was lying on. After grabbing it, she tossed it to you.

You uncapped the writing utensil and walked over to Sparklebutt. Thirty seconds later, she had a crudely drawn ballsack just under her horn.

“There, now you really ARE a dickhead!”

Fluttershy began to laugh hysterically at this.

Joining along with her in the fun, you spoke up, “Hey, you wanna have a go at this?”

She nodded enthusiastically with a big grin, so you tossed her the marker.

Today was gonna be a good day.

Twilight awoke in her bed with a start, breathing heavily.

She didn’t remember falling asleep in her bed at all. Looking around, she saw that nothing was out of the ordinary.

Maybe she just passed out while doing research again.

“So, maybe that was all just a bad dream…” she said to herself, slightly relieved.

Resigning herself to the possibility, she eased out of bed, heading to her mirror to brush down the bedhead she was sure she had by now. Arriving at the vanity, she used her magic to pick up her hairbrush, only to drop it in complete shock.

“What in the..!” exclaimed Twilight.

On her face was a number of black marks, all in one recurring shape.

Horse cocks.

Absolutely fucking everywhere.

“B-but how..?”

Memories of her “nightmare” flashed back through her head. The mare’s muscles tightened as anger built up within her.

“ANOOON!!”

You began to leave your shitty apartment when you suddenly got a massive erection.

“Heh, looks like someone’s thinking about me.”

Author's Notes:

() Hit up your hot MILF landlord and attempt to score. *NEW*
() Go to Canterlot with Big Mac and Lyra to publish the Official 2014 Ponyville Booty Power Ranking and party your asses off
() Help Big Mac throw a giant ass party at Sweet Apple Acres while Granny Smith is gone
() Go hang out with the overhyped DJ
() Shenanigans with the Cutie Mark Crusaders
() Talk about feelings with Twilight Sparkle and attempt to corrupt her
() Go see Rarity and get some new duds, then hit up the town with her

Chapter VI: Equestrian Psycho

“OH YEAH, I’M WALKING ON SUNSHINE!” you declared to the world as you moonwalked blindly through the streets with your hands shoved down your pants, keeping your junk company, “WOAH OH!”

You had no clue where you were going. One moment you were enjoying a hearty breakfast of beer and Captain Crunch, and the next moment something deep inside you told you to moonwalk in a random direction.

Figuring this was the Fonz trying to lead you to a reward for your faithfulness to your bros, you decided to listen to your gut and start moonwalking.

“Anon?!” you heard a voice exclaim in shock from behind.

You turned around and noticed Sparklebutt grinning at you.

“Good, you’re right on time!” the princess said as she beamed at you, “Let’s get your friendship lesson started!”

“Shit.”

In your insane quest for what you assumed would be some top-tier booty, you had somehow ended up wandering into Twilight’s castle, and much to your usual shitty luck, you just happened to wander in when she had planned on the two of you meeting to discuss “feelings.”

You briefly wondered why the Fonz had forsaken you, but you put aside those thoughts, realizing you desperately needed to get out of this situation.

“Look, Sparklebutt, I appreciate the effort you’re giving here but I was kind of in the middle of something.”

“What do you mean?” Twilight asked with a slight smile on her face. “You arrived right on time for your appointment. I was pretty much convinced I would have to come and track you down to even get you near my place.” She waved a hoof to you and turned.

“What appointment?” you said as you followed her. Looking around, you admired all the trappings of the Princess’s castle. A little homo for your tastes, but you’d let it slide in the meantime. You raised an eyebrow as your eye caught the mare’s big bodacious booty bouncing bountifully before you. Just a little heft on top with a gradual taper through her thighs; the way she held up her tail seemed like it drew your eye in. Her tail bounced along, swishing lightly upon the inside of her thighs; that was just the cherry on top.

UNF

“Your friendship appointment, Anon.”

“Huh?”

“You made it, like, the second day you arrived here. It’s court appointed.”

“Cops trying to keep a nigga down, just because he’s brown!” you cried as you jumped onto a nearby couch.

Holy shit.

This is one comfy ass couch.

“Anon, you’re not remotely a shade of brown.”

“Check your privilege, shitlord!” you cried, trying to stifle a stupid giggle. Twilight just eyed you dangerously as she prepared her materials with the help of some magic.

“I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.” With a small nod, she magicked over a pair of glasses and tied her hair up in a tight bun.

You appreciated the mare’s new look with an abrupt tightening of your pants.

“U-unf” you said under your breath.

“What’s that, Anon?” Twilight said as she glanced at your over her glasses.

“Nothing,” you replied as you shifted your lower body deeper into the couch. “So, what am I supposed to be doing here?”

“The purpose of these appointments is to help ease your transition into life here in Equestria and supplement your friendship abilities.”

“That shit sounds like it came straight out of a book. Can you just give me a pamphlet or something and send me on my way?” You rolled your eyes. “I promise to make friends and shit.”

Twilight gritted her teeth and took a deep breath.

“No, Anon, it’s a little more complex than that. Unfortunately.”

“You say that like you don’t like being in my company.” You feigned a tone of mock hurt as you stared up at the ceiling. “Hey, you got anything to drink around here?”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it. And we’ll worry about refreshments later. Now, shall we get started?”

At this, you reached for your emergency flask, but found your pocket empty.

Fuck. This was going to be a long day.

“Yeah, sure. Whatever. Go ahead, bro.”

Clearing her throat, Twilight continued on.

“From what I’ve seen from your behavior, you seem to have difficulty taking into account others’ feelings in regards to your actions.”

“What? Fuck that shit, nigga. I care deeply for all my bros and treat them all like family. You’re just mad because I don’t go to your gay ass friendship sessions.”

“I rest my case. And I will bring up that time you drew, erm… Phallic symbols all over my body. In magical marker. Do you know how long it took me scrubbing to get that out of my fur, Anon?”

“Woah baby. I thought this session was about me, not you.”

“I was just giving an example. And I know you’re probably close with your ‘bros,’ but friendship extends past just people who are close to you.”

“Nigga whatchu talkin’ about? A bro doesn’t have to be someone who is close to you. Broship is a spiritual kinship. Me and my bros are as close as family, if not closer. You just wouldn’t understand because you have a giant black dildo stuck up your ass.”

“I do NOT! Anon, what the heck is wrong with you!?” Twilight shouted, her face burning red hot- from anger or embarrassment, you couldn’t tell. “Why do you have to say such stupid things?”

“Easy now, Sparklebutt,” you began, sitting up and throwing up your hand defensively, “you’re getting a little vulgar.”

“NO! I won’t calm down or chill out or whatever! I’m sick of you messing around with me and treating me like some kind of piece of meat to make fun of! It’s not funny, Anon.” As you looked over at her, her lip began to quiver before she gritted her teeth tightly. “The only thing you’ve done to me since you’ve been here is mock me in one way or the other. And I HATE it when you call me SPARKLEBUTT!”

She was on her hooves now, her hair falling in strands out of her bun and her teeth bared as her face burned bright red. With a small shift in your seat, you adjusted the fear boner that was amassing in your drawers.

You simply stared at the angered alicorn with a neutral expression, silent.

Several awkward minutes passed by before she finally opened her mouth.

‘Well!?” She shouted, breaking the silence.

You maintained your neutral expression, as you leaned forward and looked the princess straight in the eyes.

“Why do you hate me?” you inquired, your voice deadpan.

This threw the pony for a complete loop. Her jaw slackened slightly, and her stance went on the defensive.

“W-what do you mean?” She cocked an eyebrow high on her face at you, slightly skeptic.

“I meant what I asked, Sparklebutt. Why do you hate me?”

“What did I just say--!?”

“--It’s like, you force me into this shit using the fucking law, and then you just start yelling at me for no reason. I’m treating you like I would any bro, but instead of taking my words as words of endearment, you shrug them off and start treating me like shit. What’s your issue, dude?”

“I’m just… I’m just tired of the harsh words.” Twilight sat back in her seat, and took a large breath. “Where I come from, words of endearment are nice ones. You’re not supposed to insult people you care about.”

“That’s the point of broship, man. You’re supposed to insult the other person. Not because you dislike them, just because you know each other well enough for you to know it isn’t serious.”

“Well then you need to understand when you’re close enough to someone to do that with them. I barely know you, Anon, you need to be a little more, er..”

“Intimate?” you asked, moving your hand towards your crotch region. Twilight’s face blushed immediately.

“Yes. I mean, no, Anon, you know what I meant.”

“Fine. But you know what? You need to chill out. And I’m being serious,” you stated as Twilight began to open her mouth. “You freak out over every little thing. It’s extremely un-bro, nigga.”

Twilight paused, her mouth opening and closing a few times, trying to get out whatever was rolling around in her head.

“Fine. I’ll admit I can get a little uptight about things. But what did you have in mind?”

“A trade.”

“What trade?”

“Well, you want to teach me the ways of ‘friendship,’” you responded with air quotes, “and you clearly need to chill out. So how about this? You do your thing, and afterwards I teach you the magic of broship. That way everyone wins, I guess.”

“Hmm,” Twilight thought to herself, rubbing her chin with a hoof. “I suppose that works. Fine. It’s a deal.”

“Aw fuck yes. Let’s have a drink to celebrate!” You cried, hopping out of your chair.

“I don’t drink, Anon.”

"Yeah..." you flashed the mare a smirk, "that's subject to change."

After a handful of standard questions, you were starting to get bored. After Twilight finished yet another, you decided to speak your mind.

“Ugh can we move on from the boring questions? You sound like my old therapist.”

Twilight stopped abruptly and looked over her clipboard at you.

“Your old therapist? From where you came from?”

“Uh, yeah. The details are a little fuzzy, but I know I used to see a therapist back then. I can’t really remember exactly why, though.”

“Mhm, mhmm,” Twilight said as she scribbled furiously on her clipboard.

“You’re not nearly as gay as my old therapist, bro, I’ll give you that. Plus you got a nice ass, that always counts.”

“Anon. With the comments,” Twilight said sternly, but the slight blush on her face betrayed her private pleasure at your comment.

“Sorry bro, but your ass is really nice. I thought we were supposed to be honest in these sessions. We were in my last therapy session. All the female therapist’s I’ve had were hot. It’s weird bruh. I wish I could’ve fucked each and every one of them.”

“We’re getting off topic.” Twilight said flatly.

“Are we though? I thought I was supposed to speak my mind here.”

Twilight smirked at you.

“This isn’t a free association, we’re just trying to work on your friendship skills. Not your… copulation interests.”

“My what?”

“Copulation. Sex, anon.”

“Oh yeah. Sex is cool,” you said with a small chuckle at Twilight’s frustrated fidgeting.

“Right. So, is there anything you can tell me about what you remember before you got here? Anything at all?”

“Uhhh,” you went on, scratching your head.

You weren’t sure if it was the lack of booze in your system, but the time you spent before you arrived in Equestria was incredibly hazy. As you thought back into your past, you honestly found it difficult to recall what you did before you got here, or even why you ended up here.

“One thing I remember about my therapy sessions was I didn’t go there by my own choice.”

“Yeah, I can see that. You have an issue with authority, obviously. And schedules.”

“No, its not that, I knew you would just be boring.” You hollered and put your hand up to high-five the pony, but she didn’t budge. Smirking, you reclined back. “But seriously though, this was different. I remember there being some urgency in seeing these therapists. And something pushed me to go, something more than some lame ass court order. I think it was me, actually.” You felt your mind click, but a lot was still unclear. “I went because I knew it was good for me. It was right for me.”

Twilight was silent, save for a scribbling on parchment and the faint sparkle of magic.

You stared at the ceiling a few moments more, your mind wandering. Since you had been here, life had been way too much fun to even stop and think about how you had gotten here. What was the point of caring where you came from when where you were was perfect?

“Anon?” came a voice from somewhere in your dreaming.

“Huh?” you said lightly.

“You’ve been quiet for almost ten minutes. What are you thinking about?”

You sat for a moment and pondered what was really floating about your mind.

The answer was obvious, of course.

“The booty, baby,” you said as a wide grin split across your face.

You heard a rustle as Twilight changed her seating and pulled out fresh notes.

“Seriously.”

You scratched your chin as you pondered her question. “I uh... I really can’t remember. Honestly. It’s really fuzzy.”

You clutched at your head, a small flicker of concern in your gut, but it dissolved quickly as Twilight spoke up.

"It's weird, Sparklebutt," you grinned as you caught her frown at the uttering of her pet name, "I can't remember much of anything. Just very basic things like likes, dislikes, and my name, as well as vague memories of things, such as seeing a therapist."

You heard the sound of pen hitting paper as you went on. "...but I can't remember anything else. I can't remember any friends... any family... any bros... nothing. I'm sure my past life was pleasant enough... but I just can't remember much of anything, dude..."

Feels bad man.

“Don't worry about it, Anon. We’ll get it out of you in good time.”

With a wink at you, Twilight cracked a small smile as she glanced over her glasses.

You felt your pants tighten and mood lighten in response to her look.

“I think that’s a good start for now, Anon.” With a sparkle of magic, Twilight set her clipboard, papers, and glasses on the desk beside her chair. Another tug of magic undid the bun on her head and her hair fell freely and spilled down onto her shoulders.

Oh, fuck. That was your fetish.

“What?”

Oh shit, you just said that out loud. Deciding to roll with it, you shrugged.

“I like when girls let their hair down. Sue me, Sparklebutt.”

Twilight started up for a split second, but with a breath, sat back into her chair and looked calmly at you.

“So-"

"You know what?" you interupted the mare, "I take that back. You still look hot as fuck now, but God damn did that other look get my cock going."

The mare blinked, giving you a look that expressed... well, you weren't too sure, to be honest.

"Don't take it the wrong way, Sparklebutt, it was just-"

"No, it's fine," she said, bringing up a hoof to silence you, "So, what would you like to do for your friendship lesson, Anon?”

“Broship. Broship lesson,” you corrected.

“Broship lesson,” Twilight corrected herself. “So what would you like to do?”

“We’re going to get turnt the fuck up, bro.”

“Aww yiss,” came a voice from down the hall. You looked up over the edge of the couch you were lounged in and spotted the source of the voice.

“So, can I join you guys for some fun?” the tiny purple dinosaur asked as he plodded into the room.

“Aw hell yeah lil purple homie. You seem cool. You’re in.”

“Great!” he exclaimed joyously, his eyes lighting up. “Uh, what is getting turnt up again?” he asked, looking towards Twilight.

“WELL, YOU SEE LITTLE BOY, GETTING TURNT THE FUCK UP IS WHEN YOU-”

“Anon! Spike’s just a baby dragon! Watch your mouth around him. And no, he cannot come to some dirty bar with us. He has a bedtime.”

All you could do was groan aloud.

“Fine! Sorry lil purple homie, your big purple momma thinks you’re a lil purple bitch. But let it go down in the record that I, for one, supported you getting utterly wasted with us.” You put your hand over your heart and looked him deep in the eye. “Bros for life.”

“Fine,” Spike said, his demeanor souring and his attitude darkening. He kicked at the upturned corner of a nearby rug. “I guess I’ll just go be miserable and lonely, like always,” and he plodded away.

“CRAWLING IN MY SKIN,” you shouted after the dragon. “THESE WOUNDS, THEY WILL NOT HEAL.” Your singing broke down into retarded laughter and you caught your breath. Twilight just glared darkly at you.

“Be nice,” she said flatly.

“I’m just messing around. Be cool, miss pretty princess. Can we go now? I’m dying for a drink in my hand. The thirst is real, nigga.”

“So where’re we going?” Twilight asked as you both sauntered down the late-day Ponyville street.

Well, she was sauntering. You were more or less boogying down the road with the beat of Smooth Criminal in your head.

“This new bar in Canterlot. It opened about a week ago, I’ve heard good shit about it. Cheap drinks, too.”

“Oh, yes. Fantastic, just the thing for me.” Twilight rolled her eyes.

“You don’t gotta be such a buzzkill, lady. If you must know, it was apparently designed by some fancy builder. Piero or some shit.” You flicked the pony on her nose and cracked a smile.

“Well Anon, I’m surprised you even know the name!” Twilight grinned, despite the way she itched at the spot where you flicked her.

You shrugged.

“I just heard the name when I was looking up places to party on the ponynet. Sue me.”

“Well, regardless, Piero is a brilliant architect. Okay, now I’m excited to go visit this place.”

“That’s the spirit, Sparklebutt.” And before she could open her mouth to object, you slapped her square on the ass. She let out a loud yelp and blushed profusely as her wings ruffled rapidly.

You raised an eyebrow at the pony.

“You like that, huh?” A dark look passed across your face.

“N-no. It just caught me by surprise is all.” She moaned aloud once more as your hand found home. “St-stop it!”

“Oh, this is great. HEY EVERYONE,” you shouted aloud into the street. Several ponies turned towards you, a handful more ignored you; they knew better. “Princess Twilight Sparkle LIKES TO GET SPANKED!” you announced unabashedly into the public street.

Several colts snickered and a few mares gasped. You were chuckling to yourself, but your enjoyment was quickly removed as you turned around and watched as a hoof came colliding at supersonic speed towards your crotch.

“OOF,” you groaned as the princess hoofed you straight in the balls. “Low blow…. bro…” you managed through heavy pants. You grabbed at your sack as the wailing pain of a million souls echoed from your groin.

“We’re even now… bro.” She said as she cracked a smile at your suffering. All you could do was give a thumbs up at the pony as the world spun around in genital agony.

“Holy shit! There’s chicks everywhere here!” The ebbing pain in your balls seemed to vanish as you stepped inside and beheld the scene before you. The Canterlot bar seemed to have more of a nightclub feeling than just a place to get a drink, and the pulsating lights and deep techno beat added to this idea. The design of the building was pretty homo by your tastes, but as you scanned the sweeping architecture and jutting pillars, your eyes fell on the crown jewel.

“Aww yiss. Time for a drink.” Rubbing your hands together, you bounced over to the bar, admiring the booty that danced and walked around you. This place was great. As far as you could tell, the majority of the crowd was female, and all the dudes around here were hanging out amongst themselves in groups of four or five. As you walked up to the bar, you flagged down the bartender.

“So what’ll it be for you, hot stuff?” the stallion said with a heavy lisp. You recoiled a little, but kept your cool.

“Just a beer mac. Nothing fancy.”

“Oh but, fancy is just what I do. Could I maybe persuade you to take a look-see at the specialty drink menu? I’m sure there’s something I could make for you that you’d love, prince charming.”

“Nah bro. Just a beer, thanks.”

The stallion pouted at you.

“Oh come now. At least give it a once-over. For me, dear?”

“Fine,” you said, rolling your eyes. With a gleeful smile, the stallion magicked over a sequin-covered menu and left you with a wink. Rolling your eyes once more, you scanned the drinks and snickered as you went down the list.

“Jesus, these drinks all sound gay as hell,” you said aloud.

“I wouldn’t be using slurs around here, Anon,” Twilight said, as she pushed her way through the crowd up to you.

As you you finished chuckling at the “Super Duper Celestia Sunrise,” you looked up to ask why, but Twilight had already disappeared into the crowd. Whatever.

“So, has anything tickled your fancy, big guy?” the stallion said through a smile as he walked over to you.

“Sure. I’ll take a... ugh… Luna-Luna Moonshine.” You slapped the menu down on the counter and the stallion took it with a knowing nod, and turned about to mix up your drink. As you waited, you tapped your foot to the beat, and actually started feeling pretty good. There were a ton of mares dancing around, and a lot of them seemed pretty slutty. As if to confirm your suspicions, you spotted with an intense interest as two particularly good-looking mares began to kiss, hot and heavy. You cheered along with the rest of the crowd around the bar.

“Damn dude, this bar is great! You’ve got a ton of hot mares here!” you shouted to the bartender over the music as he handed you your drink.

The bartender started to snicker, and then as he looked you over, he laughed aloud.

“Oh, sweetheart…” Without another word, the unicorn left you alone with your drink. You shouted again with the crowd, swept up in the energy of the bar.

Once you had downed your moonshine (albeit the immense amount of sugar and blue food coloring it contained), you were feeling a strong buzz, and with it, an even stronger urge to dance your ass off.

As you enacted your sacred mating ritual, you scanned the crowd for a potential partner, which was pretty easy, since you had a good two feet on most of the ponies on the floor.

Fucking manlets, they'll never learn.

The moment you had your target in sight, you closed in for the kill.

Light blue fur and long, blonde curls was your first conquest. As you boogied your way up to her, you smiled.

“I’m gonna go ahead and dance here. If you want to pretend we’re dancing together, that’s cool with me.”

Your line was met with an incredibly dark look, however, and the mare promptly made her way across the dance floor opposite to where you were.

“Well, fuck my tits and call me Nancy. Wonder what was up her asshole.”

Never one to be dissuaded by a particularly bitchy female, you kept up the groove, and sauntered your way over two mares who seemed to be chatting a little as they danced.

“Ladies! Having a good time?” you said, smiling at the pair. “Can I interest either of you in a drink?” One mare, the taller and thicker of the two, grimaced at you. The other, smaller and thinner, smiled kindly.

“Sure, I’d love a drink.”

“Amelia!” The bigger mare said gruffly, nudging the smaller mare with an elbow.

“Er, we really need to go. But thank you for the offer, dear.” And with that, the pair walked off the dance floor and disappeared into the dark booths that lay on the other end of the club.

“Well what the fuck?” You were in disbelief. Was every mare here queen bitch? Deciding to say fuck it, you made your way back to the bar. A group of chattering stallion stood around, and the giggling intensified as you sat down at the counter. You felt a tap on your shoulder, and looked over.

A very buff stallion, his mane shaved short and with the tips dyed bright pink, smiled at you.

“Hey, can I get you a drink?”

“Aw, hell yeah bro. Thanks.”

Things were looking up for a nigga.

After the stallion handed you your drink, you took a sip, and couldn’t help but mire his definition.

“Lookin natty, bro. You work out?”

The pony blushed at the compliment. “Uh, yeah. You could call me a gym nut.”

“You browse /fit/ at all?”

“Do I what what?”

“N-nothing, nevermind,” you said, hiding your power level as you took another drink. It was sugary as hell, but the crisp bite at the end told you that it would get you fucked up just as well enough.

“So, are you from around here?” The stallion hopped up on the barstool next to you.

“Nah man, not from Canterlot. I live down in Ponyville.”

“Oh, how adorable!” the stallion said, thoroughly delighted. You raised an eyebrow as you sipped at your drink, but the flush of vodka in your system washed that weird doubt away.

“So what do you think about this bar? Looking around, I’m surprised there aren’t more dudes in this place, you know?”

The stallion sighed into his drink.

“Yeah, I know what you mean. It’s so hard to meet good stallions around here.”

“Right? Like where can a bro get a bro to bro down with around here, knowhatimsayin’?”

The stallion laughed at you.

“I like you, man. What’s your name?”

“Anonymous, but you can me Anon, bro,” you put your hand out, and the stallion took it.

“Grey Lakes. Friends call me Grey. Or Gay.” The stallion chuckled at his joke.

“Right. Nice to meet you, Gary.”

“Oh, the pleasure is all mine, sir. So are you here all alone, or…?”

“Oh, nah. I came with this purple hoe. Hey, here she is now. Sup, hoe?”

Twilight was unfazed by your insult, though, her eyes wide and dazzling in the light of the dance lights.

“The architecture here is incredible!”

Grey spat out his drink as Twilight walked up.

“You’re friends with the princess!?” he gasped. You shrugged off his astonishment.

“Yeah, she’s ok I guess. Princess of butthurt, more like.” You laughed at your joke, and at Twilight’s sour expression. “Oh lighten up. Let me get you a drink, yeah? Did you know they have a drink named after you?”

“Really? What is it?”

“The Sultry Spanker” You glared at her with a shiteating grin. You quickly got rid of it, though, as she raised a hoof menacingly. Putting your hands up, you quickly corrected yourself. “It’s called the Purple Princess Twist. Go ahead, try it. It’s on me.”

“Thanks. You know I don’t drink, though.” You rolled your eyes as Grey tsked loudly.

“Honey, that is horse shit. Why are you at a bar then?”

“Because Anon dragged me here, and I only went along with it because Piero designed the architecture for this place.”

“All I hear are excuses.” Grey said flatly, sipping his drink.

“Come on, dude. Its a drink named after you. And its free. You gotta at least try it.”

“I don’t know…”

“Would you do it if I offered to spank you?” The pony glared darkly at you once more.

“Anon’s teasing aside, you should try it. Life’s too short to not have fun, miss.” Without a reply, Grey turned around and asked the bartender for the drink. Just as quickly, the stallion had it whipped up and brought it over. Taking it in his hoof, Grey offered it to the princess. “I’ve never bought a princess a drink. Indulge me?”

“Do it you fucking pussy,” you prompted.

“Fine,” Twilight took the drink in her magic and took a little sip. “Hmm... fruity, with a tang of citrus. I can't even taste the alcohol, really, it’s--”

Before the mare could finish, you had shoved the glass back onto her lips, and she drank it down, eyes wide. Once the glass stood empty, you let up and cheered as the mare coughed and sputtered.

“Anon-! You little-!”

“Shh. Bartender! A round of vodka shots for my friends here!” Once the glasses were placed in front of you, you took yours and Twilights, and shoved one into her hoof. “Drink this.”

“What is-?”

“DRINK, PUSSY.”

Four shots and two magic bombs later, you had lounged yourself halfway across the bar, feeling blissfully numb. Twilight had broken off from the group, quoting only a “desire to get dancin’” as her reasoning. Grey sat next to you, a dumb smile on his face.

“Hey, Anon?”

“Yeah bro?”

“You uh, wanna get outta here, maybe go somewhere more private?”

“Uh. Nah dude, I’m good.” The stallion frowned into his drink.

“Anon, I want you.”

“Sup?”

“I want you, Anon.” The stallion put a hoof down, and slid it down your leg. In your drunken stupor, it took you a moment to figure out what the hell was going on.

“Woah bro,” you said, smacking his hoof away lazily, “I didn’t hear you say no homo.”

“Come on honey. I’ve never had a human dick in me before. Why don’t you fulfill my curiosity?”

You laughed stupidly, still not entirely aware that you were being heavily hit on by a drunk, gay stallion who was twice your weight.

“Nah bro, I don’t think so. I like a da pussy too much.”

Grey began to turn red, and slowly got angry.

“Then what the hell are you doing here if you’re not gay?”

“Huh?”

“This is a gay bar, you dumb ape.” Grey’s anger began boiling up, and he put his drink down firmly on the counter. “Why dont you take a fucking hint before you go around fucking up other pony’s nights?”

“Woah bro, I’m sorry,” you said, throwing your hands up. “I just came here to have a good time. There’s no gay scanner thingy you have to pass to get in the door, it's open to everyone. Its not like I led you on, either. You better fucking check yourself before you wreck yourself, bro.”

Grey just flared up more, grinding his teeth, but his anger seemed to boil over and sputter out.

“Er… Yeah. I’m sorry, Anon. You’re right, I was... being an asshole about it. Heh, guess I was just embarrassed I was so forward about my feelings towards you. Alcohol will do that to you…”

“We dont judge in the bro club, bro. You’re aight, even if you do like dick in your butt.”

“Right. Thanks, for being cool with it. I apologize, again.”

“S’all good, homey.” Your fistbump was interrupted as you heard gasps and shouts from the dance floor, though. “The fuck?”

Like the parting of the red sea, you witnessed as a load of mares backed up from a single dancer in shock and horror. As you looked up over the crowd, you watched the princess of spankings herself tear it up on the dance floor. Wings flapping, arms flailing, and tongue wagging, she played the part of a clinical seizure patient quite well.

“Uh, she always that good of a dancer?” Grey asked you.

“No idea. I’m sure the five or so shots didn’t help.”

“...You should probably go save her. Everypony is looking pretty pissed.”

“Yeah, I guess so.” And so, with drink in hand, you marched over to the flailing horse and made your best attempt to help your bro out.

“Yooooo. Twilight… Y’all right?” You sipped your drink nonchalantly.

Twilight might as well have been on the planet Uranus, as she continued her insane gyrations.

Heheh, anus.

“AYO, SPARKLEBUTT.”

“Ohhh heyyy Anon. You wanna… dance with... me?” Twilight hiccupped, her hair a mess in her face.

“Nah brah, I’m good. All these horses only like bumping bagels anyways, so I won’t even bother. Let’s take off, yeah?”

“B-but, the architecture, Anon-!” Twilight called as you dragged her away by the hoof. You saluted the mares around you lazily, your drink in hand. Dragging the half-limp, half-failing princess behind you, you made your way to the bathrooms to take a monster piss before you took off.

“Oh… Oh, Anon, you’re really strong.” Twilight murmured behind you. You glanced back at her as she ceased her resistance. Her eyes were glazed over, but they were unmistakably staring you down with a very carnal desire.

“Yeah, I lift, so what.” You were in dire need of a pisser, though. Marching up to the bathrooms, you threw Twilight into the mare’s room. “Go piss, I know you need to, and I don’t want to hear it on the way home.”

Ignoring Twilight’s whining, you hopped in the stallion’s room to take a leak of your own. As you let your flow go, you were pretty sure you heard moaning in the stall next to you. As if to confirm your suspicion, the wall of the next stall rattled and you heard the sound of two stallions grunting loudly.

There was also a hole in between you and the stall to your-

...a fully erect horse cock just poked through it.

That’s ok, you didn't need to piss that bad anyways.

Zipping up, you took off out of the bathrooms and stumbled into the dimly lit hallway when the door to the mare’s room opened. You expected Twilight, but what came out was even more of a wonder.

“Hey asshole!” you shouted at the mare. With a look of surprise, the pony lifted the glasses off her face and placed them on top of her horn.

“Oh, hey, Anon! Whats up dude!” Vinyl Scratch put out a hoof to bump, but you merely crossed your arms. “So uh, what are you doing here?” she said, taken slightly aback. “I didn’t know you liked dick. Heh heh.”

“I just came here to drink. What are you doing here?”

“Well, I just finished a set. I entertain here. Plus…” she said, eyeing a particularly well-endowed mare as she sauntered into the bathroom, “this place has great tail. For those nights when I feel like parting the velvet curtain. Knowhattamean?” She nudged you with a mischievous grin on her face.

“Yeah. Hey, look, I don't mean to be an asshole, but that date you set me and Big Mac up on-”

“Oh hey how’d that go? I haven’t heard from Octavia since then. You two give her a good dicking, make her forget how to write, eh, Anon?” Her eyebrows jumped up and down on her face.

“No, dude. She beat us unconscious with a fucking two by four, tied us up, and assaulted us with a chainsaw. That bitch is fucked up beyond all belief.”

“Holy shit, now that’s kinky. She outdid herself this time!”

“I’m being serious dude. She was trying to murder us.”

“Oh… OH. Oh, shit! I’m sorry man. Uh, I knew she was a little squirrely but I had no idea she was like, homicidal. I’m really sorry dude.” The pony’s look matched the weight in her voice.

“It’s okay, I got to chase her around with my dick. Made the entire experience worth it, to me at least. Constant nightmare and flashbacks aside.”

“Well, if I asked you to chase me around with your dick, would you believe me if I told you there would be no chainsaws involved?” She cocked an eyebrow as she bit subconsciously at her lip. “Just a lot of baby oil.”

“I don’t know if I’m inclined to believe you.”

“Well then, you dumb ape, why don’t you come back to my hotel and we’ll see if I’m telling the truth?” With that, she turned about and walked down the hall, her flanks bouncing as she whipped her tail at you.

By the mercy of the gods of Valhalla, your pants withheld the immense maelstrom of sexual tension that flowed underneath them.

“Uh, uhh, yeah.” You started after her, but remembered you had a drunk princess you were supposed to be taking care of. “Hold on, I have a friend I’m waiting on. She’s in the bathroom still I think.”

“Who is it?”

“Twilight Sparkle. We popped her alcohol cherry. She’s pretty fucked up, it’s great.”

“Twilight Sparkle? Hmm. Yeah, bring her too. I’ve never fucked a princess before.”

Top unf.

This night was going in all the right directions

“Do you like Huey Lewis and the News?” you asked as Vinyl made martinis in the nearby kitchenette.

“Uhh. What?” she asked, absentmindedly. Twilight was laying on her back on the couch, hoof rolling about in the air before her as she lazily sang a song you couldn't quite make out. Probably Funky Town or some shit.

“They’re early work was a bit, 'new wave' for my taste. When 'Sports' came out in ‘83, I think they really came into their own, commercially, and artistically," You waltzed into the bathroom, shoving the hotel soaps and conditioners into your pants pockets. “The whole album has a clear, crisp sound, and a new sheen of consummate professionalism that really gives the songs a big boost.”

“Uh huh,” Vinyl went on as you walked out.

“He’s been compared to Elvis Costello, but I think Huey has a far more bitter, cynical sense of humor.” You walked up right behind Twilight as she lay, still singing senselessly to herself.

“Dude, what the fuck are you going on about? You sound like you’re going to stab a fire axe in my back or something, you’re talking all crazy.”

You laughed to yourself.

“Naw nigga, I’m just messing around.”

“Right,” Vinyl said as she handed you your drink. She glanced at Twilight, “I think she’s done for tonight.”

“Yeahhh… She’s already drank a lot for a first timer. Pretty proud of her, I gotta say. I’m surprised she isn't a drooling mess.”

Vinyl pointed at her own horn.

“Unicorn magic, it does wonders.”

“Right. You should see my unicorn horn. It works wonders, too.” You smirked heavily and chuckled into your glass. Vinyl bounced an eyebrow up at your comment.

You walked up to the window, and looked down at the city street below you. Up in the hotel, everything seemed small and unimportant. The night-life of Canterlot buzzed past in a whirl of sparks and lights. It sort of reminded you of a city back where you came from, though the memory was foggy. You couldn't even remember the name of the place.

Speaking of back home…

“What about Phil Collins? You like Phil Collins?” You asked the two mares who sat on the couch across the room. Twilight had sat up and was wearing a goofy smile on her face. Vinyl was sipping at her martini.

“I’ve been a big Genesis fan, ever since their release of their 1980 album, Duke. Before that, I really didn’t understand any of their work. Too artsy. Too intellectual.” Finishing your drink, you set it down on a coffee table near you and began moseying your way towards the bedroom. “It was on Duke that, uh, Phil Collins’ presence became more prevalent. I think Invisible Touch is the group’s undisputed masterpiece.” With a come-hither wave of your finger, the two mares got up and followed you into the bedroom, albeit Twilight did more stumbling than walking.

Shit was going down.

“It’s an epic meditation on intangibility.” You sat down on the large bed and began to take your shoes off. Vinyl dragged a somewhat willing Twilight into the bed next to you.

“At the same time, it deepens and enriches the meaning of the proceeding three albums. Vinyl, take off your glasses.”

The mare complied dutifully and placed her signature glasses on the bedside table. As you stood up to take off your pants, you went on.

Holy shit, there’s a camera here. Nice.

Setting up the camera on its tripod, you looked through the viewfinder to line up the shot. Vinyl was on the right side of the bed, sitting patiently and waiting for you to finish your retarded speech, and Twilight was laying drunkenly on the opposite side of bed, her legs wide open.

“Listen to the brilliant ensemble playing of Banks, Collins and Rutherford. You can practically hear every nuance of every instrument. In terms of lyrical craftsmanship and sheer songwriting, this album hits a new peak of professionalism.” Looking through the camera’s lens, you felt like you were missing something.

“Vinyl, why don’t you, uh, dance a little?”

Realizing she was on film, the inner slut in her began to come out as she got up off the bed and began to move her body in a slow, seductive rhythm. Hips bouncing and flank moving, she was stirring up just the right level of sexy.

“Take the lyrics to ‘Land of Confusion.’ In this album, Phil Collins addresses the abuse of political authority. ‘In Too Deep’ is the most moving pop song of the 1980s, about monogamy and commitment. The song is extremely uplifting. The lyrics are as positive and affirmative as, uh, anything I’ve heard in rock.”

You walked up to a slowly sobering but still very intoxicated Twilight and smacked her on the ass. She giggled and squirmed, and you continued your assault. As she cried and moaned, she became more belligerent, until you smacked her square across the face. With a gaze of razor hot horny fury, she eyed you down and you smiled back at her, mouthing the word ‘slut.’

Walking back to the camera, you looked through the viewfinder to get your bearing.

“Twilight, get down on your knees so Vinyl can see your asshole.”

The good girl in her rejected this idea at first, but as both you and Vinyl gazed her down, her guard dropped out from under her and she obliged.

Ah peer pressure. It was truly a wonderful thing.

Climbing up on all fours, she kneeled on the bed and jutted her ass high into the air, twitching her tail slightly at Vinyl.

“Phil Collins’ solo career,” you went on, eliciting distracted stares from both mares, “seems to be more commercial, and therefore, more satisfying in a narrower way. Especially songs such as, ‘In the Air Tonight,’ and, uh, ‘Against All Odds.’”

As you turned to grab something from the kitchen, you realized both ponies were just staring at you; Twilight with her plump ass beckoning in midair, and Vinyl mid-dance.

“Vinyl, don’t just stare at it. Eat it,” you said, your tone dead serious as you indicated the prime ass before you with an open palm.

“Yes, sir. I thought you’d never ask…” the white unicorn murmured as she leapt straight onto the bed and buried her muzzle into Twilight’s nethers.

“I also think Phil Collins works best within the confines of the group, than as a solo artist. And I stress the word, ‘artist.’” As you helped yourself to another drink, you plugged in your phone to the shitty hotel sound system and turned up the volume.

“This is ‘Sussudio,’ a great, great song,” you said as you disposed of your shirt and boxers in one fell motion. “And a personal favorite.”

As your soldier stood at full attention, you mired the fantastic scene before you:

Twilight had been forced down and was laying on her back, wings splayed out underneath her haphazardly. Her legs were wide open, held wider than was normal by Vinyl’s overpowering grip. The princess squirmed, moaned, and hiccupped as the white unicorn buried her muzzle into her snatch; you couldn’t see anything between her legs except for a wild mane and a white horn bobbing up and down.

As Twilight screamed and grappled at Vinyl’s mane to push her face in deeper, you traced your gaze down the white unicorn’s back and finally rested your gaze on the prize:

Long, supple curves gave way from a tight midsection and widened into the peak of a very, very succulent ass. A tight asshole and a bright pink and very moist pussy were just the cherry on top.

“Hot damn,” you breathed as you subconsciously man-handled your member.

“Are you gonna fuck it, or what?”

You refocused and wondered where the voice had come from. As you looked up, you realized the demand had come from Twilight. She was giving you the heaviest bedroom eyes you’d ever seen, and a swift throb to your dong overpowered your will. Her gaze followed you as you marched to the two ponies and to the prime pussy that was beckoning you.

You hopped on the bed and eyed up your challenge. Grabbing your dick in your hand, you ran the bottom of your shaft along the outside of Vinyl’s lips and, satisfied that your dick was wet enough, proceeded to slide in.

God damn, she was wet.

As you sheathed your cock, the unicorn broke her muff dive and groaned as you stuck it in, inch by inch.

“Fuck!” you both said in almost perfect unison as you hit balls deep in the mare. She was tight.

“Fuck-! Me-!” Vinyl screamed as she tried to continue her oral assault all the while you hit her cunt like a jackhammer.

As you railed on dat ass, you remembered the camera you had set up earlier. With a broad smile, you glanced up at it and pointed towards the lens. Giving it a wink, you kept up your movements and made faces at the camera. You flexed and made poses as the two mares in front of you moaned and cried out.

So distracted by your shenanigans, you accidentally slipped out. With half a thought, you grabbed your cock and shoved it back in place, but something felt off.

“Ah-AH!” Vinyl screeched. “Wrong… hole…” she said between pants.

“Whoops,” you said, slowing down your thrusts.

“I didn’t say... stop…” the mare muttered into Twilight’s pussy.

UNF

Picking your speed back up, you drove your cock in and out of Vinyl’s tight asshole, enjoying the particularly fantastic tightness it offered.

“Fuck, that feels amazing,” you muttered under your breath.

“Oh yeah? I can do things with my ass you wouldn’t believe!” Vinyl cried out, shooting you a dangerous look.

Oh fuck.

“LETS GET DANGEROUS!” you proclaimed as you went full H.A.M. on her ass.

Dangerzone.exe activated

As you kept going at it, you felt her lift away from you. Before you knew what was happening, she began to drive her flanks back and forth on your cock, until her ass was riding you. All the while, you could feel as she tensed up muscles that stroked and massaged your cock while she rode you.

“Jesus fucking Christ, are you a robot or something?” were the only words that came out of your dumbfounded, blood-lost mind. You’re pretty sure you were beginning to drool, as well. Vinyl merely giggled girlishly to herself. Her thrusts began to slow, but the force increased until you eventually felt her push you back. Giving in, you laid down on your back, keeping your dick in the pony as she rose to come on top of you.

Once you were fully situated on your back, you watched as the mare rode you reverse-cowgirl, her ass bouncing on your dick before you.

“Come here, pet.” Vinyl said to Twilight.

Fuck, the dominant girl routine really turned you on.

You heard the sheets shift as Twilight picked herself up to come over to you two. As Vinyl bounced slowly up and down on your dick, you saw through her legs between thrusts as Twilight’s face got close to your crotch.

“Suck his balls, whore.”

“Yes ma’am.”

As Vinyl quickened her pace, you felt a warm, wet sensation on your lower nethers and you moaned as the overwhelming sensation overtook you. Grabbing at the unicorn’s waist, you took control and began driving her deeper and harder onto your throbbing cock.

“Eat my- p-pussy, p-princess!” Vinyl screamed as you mercilessly fucked her asshole. You watched with a devilish smile as Vinyl grabbed a hesitant Twilight’s head and smashed the princess’s muzzle into the her dripping wet cunt.

You could feel Vinyl getting closer and closer to climax as her cries ascended higher and higher. Her asshole tightened and flexed around your cock, and as Twilight drunkenly slobbered all over her clit, Vinyl finally came in a crescendo of piercing screams and grunts and moans, and her horn glowed blue and flickered with small sparks. Her body shuddered as she slowed on your cock until she finally came to a full stop, balls deep on you. Her asshole clenched and loosened in reflexive relaxation.

Her breath picked up suddenly and she panted heavily: the pony seemed to wake up out of her stupor, and she gingerly rolled off of your dick. She then promptly dropped, exhausted, on the foot of the bed. A long string of sticky sex juice still clung from the tip of your dick to her asshole.

Fucking noice.

After a few moments of collective, heavy panting and sighing, you sat up to go clean yourself up before the next round of fun began. Just as you had begun to start moving, though, Vinyl jumped up and faced you.

“Where do you think you’re going?” she hissed under her breath, placing a firm hoof on your chest to push you back down.

“I was uh, getting a towel to go-” you began, but the words were lost on you as the unicorn began bobbing on your cock. “Ohh, okayyy…”

“You’re not going… anywhere. Not until… I thank you for that proper ass fuck,” Vinyl muttered between sucks. You really couldn’t argue with that logic as you watched the unicorn slurp away at your member.

As you looked past, you saw Twilight watching intently at what was going on before her, her head propped up on her hooves and a curious look in her eye. Vinyl noticed your gaze, and pulled off your cock. A few fat strands of spit trailed off your head from her lips.

“Why don’t you come suck this big, fat, cock, princess? You’ve been staring at it all night.”

“Euh, well, I mean... I would. That is, I uh... hehe,” Twilight drunkenly slurred as she rolled a little bit under the mare’s gaze. “I uh. Uhmmm…” She trailed off, her face flushing hot and red.

“Oh my god...” Vinyl breathed.

“You’ve never sucked a cock before, have you!?” you belted out, laughing. “Fucking hell, Sparklebutt.”

Twilight’s face soured; it was followed by a grimace, and then a determined look.

“Fuck -hic- you, Anon.”

Vinyl rolled her eyes.

“Look, princess, this cock ain’t gonna suck itself. So get busy.” And with that, Vinyl sat up and tugged at Twilight’s mane, forcing her face right into your throbbing cock.

“Ahh! F-fine.” Hesitating for a moment, she stuck a curious tongue out and caressed the tip of your dick, "Hmm... interesting taste. A bit salty, but-"

“Suck it, bitch!” Vinyl shouted, and with a very callous push, she shoved your dick straight into Twilight’s mouth as she choked and gagged. The pony hesitated for a moment, but the high levels of alcohol and an incredibly lowered inhibition pushed her on. Twilight began to bob up and down on your dick, and though she was a beginner, she was a quick learner. Soon, she was sucking and licking like a pro as you laid in ecstasy.

While Twilight bobbed away, Vinyl climbed up on you and laid her pussy on your face as she helped Twilight suck you off in an impromptu 69 position. As you ate out the unicorn, you could feel yourself getting closer and closer to coming while each pony switched off between one another.

As you buried your tongue in Vinyl’s snatch, the pony’s mouths drove you further and further towards a spiraling orgasm. Finally, you couldn’t take it anymore, and with an exasperated shout, you cried out.

Barriers broke and you felt your hot seed pump into a warm mouth; you couldn’t tell which, and it didn’t matter. As the last of your cum flowed out of you, a warm, tingling sensation overtook your body and the world came spiraling back into existence.

As Vinyl climbed off of you, you looked up to see Twilight’s mouth still around your softening cock, her cheeks bulging. She looked up to meet your gaze, her eyes burning with an erotic passion. In one fell move, she lifted her head and swallowed every last drop of your cum.

Licking her lips, she smiled sheepishly at you.

“That was…. delicious, Anon.”

And with that, she promptly passed out, drunk.

“Fucking lightweight,” Vinyl laughed, and hopped off the bed, disappearing into the bathroom. You heard the shower turn on.

Looking directly at the camera, you gave it a thumbs up.

“I think that’s a wrap.”

Author's Notes:

No voting this time around, Christmas chapter soon.

Chapter VII: Merry Motherfucking Hearth's Warming, Anonymous (Part One)

“Fuck, it’s snowing. Again.”

“So what?” you said, clicking at your controller absentmindedly.

Lyra sat at the window, breathing frost across the cold glass. Little flurries rushed past as the the grey skies cast a grim shadow on the now-white land. “I fucking hate snow.”

“Then stay inside, bro. It’s not like you have shit to do or anything.”

“Actually, I do, asshat. I wanted to visit my cousin before she left for the rest of the month to go see the family and leave me all alone for fucking Hearth’s Warming.” A heavy pause hung over the room while Lyra waited for you to grunt some reply, but you were too engrossed in your game to really give a fuck. The stillness dragged on until it became more of an awkward silence where someone was expected to speak up and say something.

“Yup,” you eventually replied, before you were cut off.

“It’s, like, really? It’s not like I’m all alone out here already! As if she couldn't offer to take me with her or something! Fucking cunt. I hate that candy-making whore’s fucking face.”

You paused your game and turned slowly to give the mare an incredulous look.

“The fuck you on about?”

“Nothing, forget it.”

“Oh, I get it.” You grinned. “You’re on your period.”

“Shut the fuck up, dickbreath. That ended last week.”

“Didn’t need to know,” you said, returning to your game.

“Forget it.” Lyra picked herself up off the windowsill and moped over to her room, shutting the door behind her.

You rolled your eyes and paused your game. Picking your fat ass up off the couch, you followed Lyra back to her room.

“Heyyy.” You knocked on the pony’s door. “Lyra. Y’allright?”

“No. Go away,” the pony sniffled from within her room. Fuck. Fucking women.

“Seriously, Lyra. Be straight with your bro.”

All you could hear were a few sniffles and a whimper.

“I’ve been alone on Hearth’s Warming Day ever since I moved here. I thought I’d at least be a little less alone when my cousin moved here, but NOOOOOO the stupid cunt leaves every time the holidays roll around.” Her voice tapered off into silence and you heard her sniffling.

“Hey,” you said gently, tapping on the pony’s door. “You want to get utterly shitfaced on holiday beer?”

Lyra remained silent for a few moments, and then you heard the door handle click open. A very red-eyed and snot-nosed unicorn peeked out from behind the crack in the door. She was actually pretty adorable like that, in a gross, snotty-crying way.

“C-can we take a shit on Bon Bon’s front porch after?”

“OF COURSH,” you said, in a perfect Tom Hardy impression.

Lyra opened the door some more.

“Don’t worry dude, I’m not about to let my bro be lonely on Christmas,” you stated with a smile, before extending your arms out to the mare, “now get over here and give your nigga a hug.”

The mare’s mood did a complete one-eighty as she exited the bedroom and accepted your offer with open hooves. As your felt her soft, warm hooves wrap tightly around your waist, you embraced your bro in an affectionate brotherly embrace.

“Thanks man…” you heard her say.

“Yo man, anytime. This is what it’s all about, man. Homies drowning their loneliness and problems in booze together. That’s some real nigga shit right there.”

“Whatever you say, Anon,” she looked up at you, “say… you’re buying, right?”

“Fuck.”

“Yo, Big Mac Daddy. You, me, Lyra, tomorrow, and a ton of holiday beer. You in?”

“Uh...” The stallion hesitated. He had just finished helping a customer at the Ponyville open market, and was tucking his bits into a burlap sack. “I’ve already got plans, bro.”

“Aw... what the fuck, dude? What could you possibly be doing that’s more important than drunk time with your bros?”

“My family?”

“Oh yeah. You have that shit, I forgot.”

“Sorry, Anon. I’d love to come bro down with you and Lyra, you know that. But it’s Hearth’s Warming tomorrow and Ah gotta be there. It’s tradition.”

“Yeah, whatever, I get it,” you cut in, feeling your face burning. A shot of jealousy punched you in the gut and you weren't exactly sure why.

“Sorry.” Big Mac’s features hardened as he pursed his lips. “Y’allright?”

“Yeah man. I’ll see you around. Have a good Christmas.”

“A good what?” you heard Big Mac ask as you turned sharply to continue on your way.

As you trudged through the shin-high banks of snow, you reminded yourself why you always fucking hated the shit. As you shook the ice off your coat, you bundled up tighter and approached the local distillery-mare.

“Sup Honeycrisp,” you chirped happily, “do you have any seasonal specials today?”

“Oh, you bet I do, Anon.” The mare beamed at you, her face buried in her striped scarf. “I was expecting you to ask.”

“You know me, bro,” you said with a shrug, “I get the Christmas bug pretty bad.”

“The what now, dear?” the mare asked as she turned to magick out a few bottles from her cooler.

“Christmas,” you said flatly. The mare gave you an odd look.

“What is that? Do you mean Hearth’s Warming?”

“Uh yeah, sure. Nevermind. What do you have today?”

“I have peppermint beer, pumpkin beer, and a nice chocolate beer.”

“Ehhh…” you asked, scratching the back of your neck, “Anything else?”

“Well…” She dug deeper into the big, metal cooler. “I have a special brew. Cinnamon and graham cracker bourbon red ale.”

“The fuck?” you asked, but your confusion was quickly set aside by thirst as your mouth began to water. “Yeah, hook it up. That sounds really good.”

Honeycrisp beamed up at you. “I knew you’d pick that!” And with a whisp of magic, the bottle was uncapped. You grabbed it in your hand and took a sip.

Shit, this was really, really good. You could already feel the little elves dancing in your gut.

“We ferment the beer in bourbon barrels, right from Sweet Apple Acres.”

“This is amazing. I’ll take two cases.”

As you reached for your bulging sack of bits (thanks government subsidies), you placed a handful on the table. The merchant’s eyes gleamed even more golden than before.

“Right away!”

As you carried the boxes full of precious cargo under your arms, your moseyed your way down the main street back to your place. You had some premium seasonal booze, and you were ready to get the holidays started the right way with your bros.

“Hey, Ano-OOF!” a pony cried. You were knocked flat on your ass, but with the help of your spidey senses and a little Christmas miracle, you kept the cases of beer tucked tight under your arm.

“FUCK. Damn, get off my dick, Sparklebutt!” you shouted seriously, but soon broke into retarded laughter as you climbed back up.

“O-oh. I’m so, so sorry Anon! Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine bro. Lemme help you.” There were several parcels the mare had been carrying scattered all over the snowy ground.

“Sorry, I should have been paying attention. I’m so sorry,” Twilight went on as you snatched up the wrapped packages she had dropped.

“Ain’t nuthin but a G thang, homie,” you reassured the mare, even though your feng shui was getting out of whack. “What's up?” You stacked the last of her things neatly on a crate beside you.

“Oh, I was just coming back from downtown. I was shopping for Hearth’s Warming.”

“Oh?” you said, taking a sip from your beer. “Did you pick me up an extra large horse dildo like I asked?”

“W-what?” Twilight stuttered, beginning to panic. You threw up a hand as you rolled your eyes.

“I’m just fucking with you,” you said with a grin, and tussled the mare’s hair. “So what did you get anyways?”

“Well…” Twilight began, biting her lip, “I picked up a saddle.”

She smiled coyly at you as you took another sip on your holiday beer.

“Yeah? And?”

“A-a-and I was wondering if you’d like to come back to my place and see how it looked on me…?”

You gave the mare a look. “Can I ride you around while you wear it?”

Twilight opened and closed her mouth a few times before breaking into a heavy, hot red blush.

“I, uh…” Her smile got wider and wider.

Damn, that was really cute.

“Appreciate the offer, but I’ve already got plans to get fucked up with Lyra.” Another sip, and you had finished off your beer. You uttered a silent prayer and tossed the bottle over your head in some random direction.

“B-but,” Twilight started, stamping an indignant hoof into the snow, “I got it for you…”

“Huh?” you said, whipping your head around to face Twilight after making sure the bottle didn't hit any children on its descent.

“Look. Can you at least help me carry all these parcels back to my castle?”

“Sure brah. I lift.” And indeed you did, as you tucked what you could under your arms.

“Thank you, Anon,” Twilight beamed as she magicked the rest of her boxes up into air around her.

“Nigga that’s fucking cheating,” you grunted as you felt your arms starting to give out; you had grabbed way too much. With an exasperated thought, you wished the fucking packages would get home already, and suddenly, they disappeared out of thin air from under your arms.

“Coooooool,” you monotoned as you flexed your arms to stretch them out. “Check it, cunt.”

“Huh?” Twilight said, so enraptured that she almost dropped her own packages. “How did you…?”

“I dunno, I just wished they would get to where we were going, and they were gone,” you answered with a shrug. “It’s kinda normal. I wish for shit, and it happens. It’s a Christmas miracle.”

“What’s Christmas?” Twilight asked, skeptical.

“Seriously? Everyone knows what Christmas is. Even the Jews.”

“As if that answers my question. Try that again.” You sighed as you trudged alongside the pony.

“Christmas is when you hang socks on the chimney and expect a fat man to bring you gifts. However, it just turns out to be your dad. Then he tells you to go to bed, you start crying, and you never get that fucking fire engine."

“Uh… huh...” Twilight just looked ahead as you lost yourself in shit memories.

“I really wanted that fucking firetruck…” you muttered. You looked sidelong at Twilight and noticed her face was grim. “Sooo, what do you do for Hearth’s Warming?”

“Oh, well. It basically celebrates the founding of Equestria between the three races of ponies. It celebrates the differences that make us special but also reminds us that we’re all ponies no matter if we have wings, horns, or nothing at all!” Twilight beamed at her summation.

“Sounds pretty fucking gay,” you summated in your own way.

“No, Anon, you’ll see,” was all the alicorn replied.

“Well like, what do you guys do exactly? To celebrate?”

“Lots of things! Pageants, candy cane making, gift exchanges, caroling, you name it.” You sighed though.

“Look, is there, like, a book on it I can read? Can I just check this shit out at the library or something?”

Twilight looked straight ahead as her face went blank, save for a creepy, thousand yard stare that pierced the road ahead of you.

“This town doesn’t have a library anymore.” Her tone was flat, and you decided not to ask any more.

“We’re here!” Twilight said after a long pause, slightly out of breath from the trek. And indeed you were. You looked up at the gigantic crystalline tree that loomed before you. It had been decorated with baubles and ornaments in the spirit of the holiday tradition.

“Jesus, this thing is ugly,” you commented.

“Yeah, well, I didn’t pick the decor this year.” She walked ahead of you, and with a sparkle of magic, opened up the door the the tree castle. “Shall we?”

You shrugged and waltzed in, barely able to contain your swag. Twilight walked in behind you.

As the two of you wandered through the halls of the castles, you noticed that you were the only two living souls around.

“Jesus, this place is fucking desolate.” Your voice echoed down the long corridors. “Is there seriously no one here?”

“No. Spike is in Canterlot visiting Celestia for Hearth’s Warming. It’s a tradition with them.”

“What about your other friends?”

“Pinkie Pie and the Cakes are in Manehattan for a baking competition, Rarity and her sister went to Fillydelphia for a holiday fashion premier, Applejack is with her family at Sweet Apple Acres, Rainbow Dash is visiting her dad in Cloudsdale, and Fluttershy always spends the holidays with her animal friends. I’m uh, alone this Hearth’s Warming Day.”

“Sucks bro.”

“Yeah. I guess so. It’s ok, I’m used to being alone. I could the time alone to get some reading done anyways.” She turned away from you to set her packages down on her kitchen counter. The things you had willed out of existence were sitting there, as well. “Anyways, thanks Anon. I really appreciate the help.”

“No problem,” you said, picking up your cases of beer and turning to make your exit.

You paused, getting an idea.

“Yo. You want some beer?”

“Uh, well--”

“Wait, no. Fuck it.”

“Huh?” Twilight said, recoiling a little at your sudden reaction.

“You should come hang out with Lyra and me tonight. We’re getting super drunk and hanging out for the holiday tomorrow.”

After taking a moment to think over your idea, she responded. “Well, I don’t see why not. Sure! I’d love to, Anon!” A hidden glimmer sat in the pony’s eye as she looked at you funny.

“Sweeeeet. You’re lonely as fuck, so is Lyra, and I have a need to slam some beers because I’m lonely and dead on the inside. This’ll be the greatest Christmas ever!”

“Hearth’s Warming,” Twilight corrected you.

“Whatever, cunt. Come over later tonight.”

As you hopped from snowbank to snowbank with your precious cargo under your arms, you thought all about the fun you were going to have. Good booze, good friends… the only thing that was missing in the trifecta was some good poon.

“Hey, Anon!” came a voice from behind you.

Speaking of the devil...

“Oh, sup Vinyl?”

“Not much!” The mare smiled at you. “Just heading to the train station. I’m going to Canterlot to visit some friends for Hearth’s Warming.”

“Cool, man.”

“Yeah. What’ve you got there?” The pony indicated your stash with a hoof.

“Some premium holiday booze, bruh. My friends and I are going to get super hammered because we’re all lonely as fuck this Christmas.”

“For what now?”

“Nevermind. What are you up to in Cunterlot?” You giggled quietly at your little joke.

“Cool stuff, dude. Some lady friends and I are gonna get drunk, probably smoke some grass, have a big orgy. Same as every year.”

A sudden tightening of your pants confirmed your appreciation for this traditional yuletide activity.

“You know... I really, really liked the way you fucked me that last time.” Vinyl bit her lip as she stared you down like lioness on the hunt. “My friends will probably enjoy it, too. You should come with, and bring that fancy beer with you.” She batted her eyes heavily at you.

“Fuck yeah, I’ll be there!”

“Great!” Vinyl pulled a receipt from out of her saddlebag and scribbled on it. With a sparkle of magic, she shoved it in your pants pocket and winked before turning on her way. “I’d better see you there.”

You felt your internal hype grow larger with your expanding, hardening cock, but the weight in between your arms reminded you of your plans for tonight.

“Actually wait, Vinyl.”

“Hm?” the pony asked as she lifted her glasses off her face to look at you. “Sup?”

“I can’t leave my bros alone here. Sorry dude.” You paused and scratched your chin in thought. “Say… why don’t you and your friends come over to my place instead?”

Vinyl scowled, then her her features softened. She tapped a hoof on her chin.

“Yeah you know, maybe. Tell you what... we’ll stop by later tonight if we can. How does that sound?”

“Sounds good to me, man,” you said.

Vinyl returned your smile and put her glasses on.

“I’ll see you later then.” And with a swish of her tail, she sauntered away to the station. You made sure to appreciate the way her flanks bounced from side to side as she walked away, and carnal memories of the way you had mounted that tight ass came forefront in your mind.

Unf

Turning to go, you moseyed your way back to your apartment.

“AYOOOOOO,” you shouted out loud as you kicked the door to your shitty apartment open. You spotted Lyra lounging in her particularly weird way on the couch. “Ayy gurl.”

“YES. FINALLY,” the unicorn shouted as she hopped off the couch. Grabbing a bottle in her magic’s grip, she popped the top off and tipped the bottle to let the cool brew past her lips. “Holy fucking fuckity fuck in a pear tree. That’s some good shit, Anon. I love it!”

“Thanks, fam. I picked it specially for you and Sparklebutt.”

“Sparklebutt? You mean Twilight?”

“Oh yeah. She’s loner as fuck for Christmas, too, so I invited her over tonight to party with us.” You grabbed a beer and popped it open. “Oh, and Vinyl and some of her mare friends. They’re probably going to have an orgy or something, too.”

“What,” was all Lyra could get out as she nearly choked on her mouthful of beer.

“You’ll see, cunt. Shit’s gonna be bomb, though. If we plan this right, we probably won’t even wake up on Christmas.” You took a big sip.

“For fuck’s sake, you autist, it’s Hearth’s Warming. Not chrispmoss.”

“Christmas, you Jew.”

“Whatever, cut that out already.” She took another sip of her beer. “But yeah, I’m looking forward to not being alone this Hearth’s Warming.” She beamed up at you, her eyes as bright as her smile. You felt a little pang of something in your gut, but you couldn’t place it; you drowned it with another swig of beer.

“I’m happy for you, dude.”

The two of you went silent and opted to drink away at your beers. Several long moments of silence later, Lyra spoke up.

“Hey, Anon?”

“Sup bruh?”

“I want to suck your cock.”

“Well, then what are you waiting for? I’m already hard,” you said, motioning to your crotch.

“N-no, no, I was just kidding.” The pony threw up a hoof as her eyes went wide in shock. She giggled a little, though. “Fucking hetero.”

You grinned at your bro.

“Seriously, though,” the pony went on, “I’m really glad to have you in my life.”

“Yeah. I am, too, bro.”

“So…” Lyra held her bottle out to you. “What should we toast to? Our brotherly bond? World peace?”

You took a moment and thought very carefully about your response.

It didn’t take long for you to figure out your response.

“To Pepe and Wojak,” you said as you held up your bottle, “the normalfags may have killed them, but they live on in our hearts.”

“Uh… alright…” Your bro gave you a weird look. “To Pepe and Wojak!”

Your two bottles met midway with a clack, before you tilted your head back and downed the rest of your brew.

You had gotten about four bottles of beer in when you heard a knock on the door.

“I GOT IT,” you shouted as you jumped up from your seat.

“YOU GOT IT BRO.”

Ambling up to the door, you fumbled with the lock in your slight buzz. A wave of chill air and snow flurries danced inside as you spotted who had knocked. Twilight was standing in the doorway, wearing a tight red turtleneck sweater and a wide smile. Her glasses shone in the light of the doorway and her hair was pulled up into a loose (but still very classy) bun.

You appreciated her look with a tightening of your pants. Damn, she looked hot.

“Oh, well… thank you, Anon.”

Shit. You did that thing again.

“Uh, come in bro. Can I get you a beer?”

The pony stepped inside, wiping her hooves on the mat. A few large, glowing bags floated in behind her, and Twilight scanned the room, as if looking for something.

“Not right now, thank you. Mhm, just as I suspected.” She marched right inside with her bags. As she set them down on the counter, a wide assortment of sundries and foods floated in magic’s grip around the room. “Hey, Lyra!” Twilight smiled at the unicorn while everything floated into place.

“Uh… Hey, Twi. What the hell’re you doing?” Lyra eyed the happening in the room very carefully. Wreaths hung themselves in strategic places on empty walls, garland snaked itself around coffee tables and bookshelves, lights strung themselves along the ceiling, candles floated into place, a platter of cookies and a large jug of what looked like eggnog set itself on the countertop. “Nigga, what the fuck are you doing! Now this place is all… gay and Hearth’s Warming-y.” The unicorn gagged as she spotted a nutcracker float onto the coffee table. A fire started itself in the cold hearth as three stockings pinned themselves onto the mantlepiece.

“Shut up, Lyra, this is awesome. Thanks, Sparklebutt.” You flashed the mare a thumbs up, eliciting a bright smile from her.

“You haven’t even seen the best part.” Twilight smiled devilishly and she grabbed the last thing from out of her bags before folding them up, tucking them out of sight in a cupboard.

“Is that…?”

“HO-LY-FUCK-ING-SHIT. That’s Royal Equestrian Imperia Vodka! That shit’s a legend!” Lyra’s mouth was agape at the large, gold-tinted bottle. “I’ve never heard of it leaving the castle. How did you get that!?”

“Well, I am a Princess, after all. I just… asked.” Twilight winked at you two and set the bottle down on the table. Lyra hopped up off the couch and power walked over to the counter.

“I take back what I said, Sparklebutt. You’re alright. Dibs!” Lyra snatched the bottle and magicked over a glass. Twilight gave you a harsh glare at Lyra’s use of her pet name.

You just shrugged and looked innocent.

“I think I’ll have that beer, now, Anon.”

“Let me tell you about pegasi, man. They’re fucking ASSHOLES,” Lyra slurred, sloshing the mixed drink in her hand. You nodded in agreement.

Several shot glasses, some more empty than others, sat on the coffee table as you all lounged around. You thought that you and Lyra had imbibed on a vast majority of the bottle of vodka, but when you got up to pour more into a shot glass, it still sat at the ¾ full mark. Deciding not to question it, you took another drink, but ended up spilling half of it down your shirt.

“Eheheh, fuckin’ Anon. That’s a paddlin’!” Lyra shouted, her mouth full of cookie.

“Shut the fuck up, mate. That was an accident,” you growled and tried to wipe off the booze. You heard Twilight chuckle.

“If Anon needs a paddling, could I do it?” She looked over her glasses at you, her eyes glassy from the vodka. You caught her look and felt a shift in your loins; the pony was practically willing your boner into existence with that look.

“No nigga, I want to do it! Anon has it coming!” Lyra tried to jump up out of her seat but stumbled over herself and ended up falling right back in her chair with a soft “oomph.”

“Look, neither of you are paddling me, alright?”

“... You could always paddle me instead, Anon. I’d prefer it that way, to be honest,” the Princess of Spankings said as she eyed you down, living up to her name.

Unf.

You grinned at the antics of your bros. “Let’s have a toast, yeah?”

“Oh hell -hic- yeah!” Lyra shouted at full volume as she reached for the nearest glass next to her. She held it up and looked at the two of you. “So what for?”

You thought about it long and hard (hehe), and then held your glass up. The ponies followed suit, and as you opened your mouth, a loud knock rang out from the door.

“WHO DAT?!” Lyra shouted and tossed herself out her seat towards the door as if she were a dog. Having more control of your body, you promptly followed her over to the door to supervise.

As the pony swung the door open, you were greeted with a roaring cascade of yuletide carols.

“WE WISH YOU A MERRY HEARTH’s WARMING, WE WISH YOU A MERRY HEARTH’S WARMING, WE WISH YOU A MERRY HEARTH’S WARMING, AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!” the carolers belted at you. You flinched at the noise, but Lyra had a gigantic grin on her face the entire time.

“OH BRING US SOME FIGGY PUDDING, OH BRING US SOME FIGGY PUDDING, OH BRING US SOME FIGGY PUDDING, OR WE’LL NEVER LEAVE!”

“ANON, DO WE HAVE FIGGY PUDDING!?” Lyra screamed at you.

“LYRA! I’m right here, you don’t need to shout!” you yelled, wiping the horse’s spit off your face.

“Oh yeah, hehe. Seriously nigga, do we got it?”

“No dude, they’re just singing.”

Lyra’s eyes went wide as some insane, drunken idea passed by her mind.

“Can we go caroling too, Anon?”

“Fuck.”

As it turned out, following the ponies around wasn’t as terrible of an idea as you had first thought. Some of them were pretty bro-tier, and you had even run into an old friend.

“Ayooo, Gary the Gay! What’s up, dude?”

“No it’s ‘Grey,’ Anon,” the earth pony chuckled under his scarf. “Hey, you guys warm enough?”

“Yeah nigga, we’re cool. I mean hot. You get it.” The pony nodded at you as the whole group shuffled their way over to the next house. Well, you and Lyra mostly stumbled; Twilight was doing her best to stay upright as well. Grey looked around before producing a flask from his coat pocket.

“This will help. Good old Applejack Daniels.” He handed the flask to you and you took it from him like the gift of life from God himself.

“So, what are you doing here?” you said as your stomach began to feel warm and tingly. You bypassed Lyra, who could barely reach for the flask, and handed it off to Twilight. “I thought you lived in Canterlot.”

“I do, but I always come visit Ponyville around Hearth’s Warming. It’s so quaint!”

“Right,” was all you managed as your alcohol-impaired mind got distracted as everyone halted at the next door.

The head pony, a prissy-ass stallion with a bright pink scarf, knocked on the door, and when the couple opened the door, everyone began belting out their lines.

“WE WISH YOU A MERRY HEARTH’S WARMING, WE WISH YOU A MERRY HEARTH’S WARMING, WE WISH YOU A MERRY HEARTH’S WARMING, AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

“Dude, this is fucking gay,” Lyra whispered at you over the break in music. You had to agree. You weren’t sure why, but somewhere along the line you had assumed there would be bitches and fame attached to going around singing gay chorus music to strangers who had to awkwardly stand in their doorway and force a smile.

Where had you gone so wrong?

Probably when you downed those five beers and seven shots earlier.

“Don’t worry homie, I got you on this next one.” You broke into a retarded, drunk smile. After all was said and done at that house, the whole group descended into the next one. As the head pony began to knock on the door, you stepped in. “Hey bro, I got this one. No worries.”

With a stiff lip, the skinny stallion eyed you harshly but nonetheless, bowed to you after realizing that you lifted. With a lopsided grin, you waved Lyra up to you, and she stumbled through the snow to join you.

“Madame, are you drunk?” the stallion scoffed at Lyra.

“Fuck yeah, man. You realize you’re supposed to go caroling drunk, right?” Before he could object, you knocked harshly on the door.

“Filthy Frank time, mah nigga,” you announced to nobody in particular.

The unicorn nodded to you as the door opened to reveal two weary-eyed parents and a handful of colts and fillies of varying ages.

“I LET THE BEAT DROP LIKE OLD PEOPLE WITH POLIO,” you began.

“That’s actually really fucked up…” you heard someone within the group comment.

“BITCHES CAN’T HANDLE MY SHIT,” Lyra and you sang together, “THEY GET REALLY EXCITED WHEN THEY SEE MY DICK. MY DICK PAYS RENT, AND MY DICK PAYS QUICK. SO I-”

That’s all the two of you could get out before the door was slammed on your party.

“What in the hay do you think you’re doing?!” the head bitch shouted at you, his face red hot. “What was that?!”

“Dude, did you really just say ‘What in the hay’? Unironically?’” You and Lyra began to burst into retarded laughter as the head pony just steamed in his anger.

“Get to the back and read from the lines. If you do that again, I’m kicking you out!”

“Whatever, cunt.” You shrugged before you went to the back of the group to rejoin Twilight and Grey. The stallion was so busy trying to muffle his laughter into his hoof that he dropped his flask in the snow.

“H-here. You deserve this.”

“Thanks, fam,” you said and took a large swig of the AJ Daniels. You handed back the flask and Grey finished it off in a few heavy gulps. He pulled the bottle away from his lips, panting heavily.

“Boy, you sure can swallow,” you remarked as you shuffled along with the rest of the group.

“Well, yeah. I am gay,” the pony replied with an odd look on his face.

“Damn it, it’s not fun if you’re actually gay!” Lyra groaned. Grey just chuckled.

“That’s what she said.”

“Nice meme,” you commented as you all stopped at the next house.

“Are we doing Pink Guy again, fam?” Lyra said to you, her eyes aglow from the christmas lights before you. You gave her the look and smiled stupidly.

“On my signal.”

“WE WISH YOU A MERRY HEARTH’S WARMING, WE WISH YOU A MERRY HEARTH’S WARMING, WE WISH YOU A MERRY HEARTH’S WARMING, AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

“OH-!”

“MY DICK DON’T STAND LIKE A FAT KID IN PE,” the two of you sang in perfect harmony, screaming at the top of your lungs, “THE ONLY TIME IT’S ACTIVE IS WHEN I’M IN THE BATHROOM PEEING. LIKE A NAZI WITH A BROKEN ARM I COULDN’T GET IT UP EVEN IF MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT.”

The head pony rounded on the two of you.

“GET THEM OUT OF HERE!” And like a congregation of gaily-adorned zombies, the rest of the caroling ponies turned on your party. You merely dodged as snow-covered hooves flung themselves at you and the angry group all shouted in unison.

“Shit, cheese it!” you shouted, and the four of you all booked it in the opposite direction. As the town faded from view, you found yourself in the middle of a long field, the forest a few yards away. Snow drifted quietly among you as you all panted and broke into drunken laughter.

“That guy was a tightwad anyways. C’mon, let’s go back home. I need some fucking christmas cookies and booze.”

As you all turned to go back into town, you noticed that Twilight wasn’t walking with you. You turned about and saw the pony staring into the forest.

“Yo, what’s up Sparklebutt?”

“I just remembered what you were missing at your place… we don’t have a Hearth’s Warming tree!”

“Oh shit, yeah. Christmas trees are important. Where else is Santa gonna stash all my sweet presents?” You stood in the falling snow and thought about it. “Okay, I got a plan. Lyra, find us an axe. Actually, scratch that, you’re a drunken shit right now. Gary, you get the axe. I’ll find us the best fucking Christmas tree ever.”

“What the fuck is Christmas?” Grey slurred as the group began their next drunken mission.

“YES. THIS IS OUR TARGET,” you screamed as you held your hands high in the air at the majestic specimen before you. A thick trunk rose high up in the dark and you could catch the glimmer of ornaments hanging among the branches.

“And it’s already decorated!” Lyra spoke up next to you.

“Gary,” you barked.

“Grey,” Grey corrected.

“My axe,” you demanded with an open palm.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to do it?” the stallion asked.

“No bro, I lift. Give the axe.” You gripped the wooden handle firmly in your grasp, and sized up where you would swing. You brought the axe back, and shouted aloud, “TAKE THIS! MY LOVE, MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION, AND ALL OF MY USED TISSUES!”

With a hearty swing, you brought the axe down in a fell swoop upon the trunk of the tree. In another motion, the axe shattered into pieces on the wood and you dove for cover as the broken handle flung in some unknown direction.

“SHIT” you heard someone cry in the distance as you buried your face in the snow.

“Yo, everyone aight?” You heard three voices call out an affirmative and you looked at the tree before you.

“Oh, wait a second, this is Twilight’s gay-ass tree,” you cackled as the realization hit you.

“Anon! What the heck?!” Twilight stuttered, but she couldn’t stay mad for long as she broke down into drunken laughter. “You asshole!”

“Whatever, cunt.” You shrugged and looked at your friends. “I’m fucking cold and wet and I need a drink. Fuck the tree.”

Everyone in your party nodded in agreement and you all headed back home.

“So, Twilight,” you said as you sloshed your drink at the pony, “explain to me how the fuck this present shit works if you don’t have a fat guy coming down a chimney?”

“Heheh... you said ‘coming…’”

“Shut the fuck up, Lyra, we’re being very serious here.” You threw a cookie at the horse and decked her upside the head, eliciting a squeal from your target.

“Well, according to legend, Starswirl the Bearded cast a spell upon Equestria so that his walking spirit roams the land on Hearth’s Warming Eve. He brings every pony something of their heart’s greatest desire. Sometimes, though, you may get something you never knew you needed. These are very special gifts.”

“So, let me get this straight...”

“Uh-huh.”

“An old dude with a big-ass beard-”

“Yes.”

“Breaks into people’s houses and leaves them shit-”

“Yeah.”

“And he does this the night before Christmas.”

“Hearth’s Warming.”

“Okay, this is retarded. You guys are just ripping off our holiday.”

“What?”

“Nigga, that’s exactly what Santa does! On Christmas!”

“What? What are you going on about, Anon?”

“Nevermind.” You pouted into your drink and grabbed another cookie. “Gay-ass holiday.”

“It sounds like someone has a case of being a grinch!” Grey giggled as he pointed a hoof at you. “You should lighten up, man. It’s not--”

The pony was cut off as you all looked up at the door. Someone was knocking, and you all looked at each other.

“I swear to fuck if it’s more carolers….” Lyra stumbled out of her chair and over to the door. Grabbing a large horse dildo that you had left out, she swung the door open and held the dildo over her head in a threatening manner, screeching, “WE DON’T WANT ANY!”

“Oh shit! I’m sorry, are we at the right place? Dude, this is like the fifth time we went to the wrong apartment. We’re looking for Anon-”

“AYOOO,” you shouted from your seat on the couch. “Come in, slut!”

As soon as you had shouted, you spotted as Vinyl peeked her head around the door and smiled at you. She turned back around, waved behind her, and promptly moseyed inside.

“Hey man, we made it, and just in time. We caught the last train going back to Ponyville. I brought my friends with me, I hope that’s okay.” You raised an eyebrow as a few mares began filing their way inside, shedding coats and scarves on the hanger by the door. You counted five mares, excluding Vinyl.

Before you could even begin spewing quotes from the Dark Knight Rises, Lyra spoke up. “Anon, who are these mares?” she asked coarsely as she raised an eyebrow.

“These are the orgy mares I was telling you about earlier.” Half the mares blushed or coughed awkwardly, but the rest merely giggled and found a seat with the group. “I told you to come, asshole. You missed a good party,” Vinyl said as she threw a punch at your shoulder and plopped herself next to you. She smelled heavily of weed and booze. Both Twilight and Lyra gave Vinyl a nasty look as she sat giggling next you, but you were too engrossed in the cookies in front of you to have noticed.

“Sorry bruh, but I had bros to attend to here. But now that you guys are here, we can all get smashed and celebrate!”

“Sounds like a plan to me! You still have some of that holiday beer?” Vinyl asked.

“Yeah bro. There’s a case left in the fridge, feel free to pass them out. There’s also--”

“Royal Equestrian! Holy shit!” you heard one of the mares shout as she found the bottle. “How did you get this?!” You nudged your head in Twilight’s direction.

“You can thank the Princess of Spankings here for that gift,” A handful of ponies chuckled as Twilight sat stone still, blushing profusely.

“Oh hey, Twilight,” Vinyl said, giving the mare a heavy look. She turned to her friends and said aloud, “This is the Princess I was telling you all about. She tastes pretty good!”

Twilight just turned deeper red as the other mares in the room giggled and laughed at her.

“I don’t know what you’re referring to,” Twilight said flatly.

“Oh, sure you do. Remember? Anon here basically fucked me raw while I ate you out back in Canterlot. And then you sucked his dick dry!”

“Alright, let’s take it down a notch,” you said to the laughing mare. “You’re drunk, bro.”

“So what? You all are, too. It’s Hearth’s Warming Eve. You’re supposed to be drunk!” Vinyl kept laughing away as her friends joined in. “Though I bet Princess Prude here hasn’t even drank a drop since then!” You were starting to get pissed at these silly ass bitches, and just as you were about to tell them all to shut the fuck up, Twilight jumped up off her chair.

“I’msorryIneedtogo,” she slurred as she ran into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

The wailing of drunken, laughing mares roared aloud and you had officially reached your limit with these bitches.

However, just as you were about to speak up again, Lyra walked over to you, a dead serious look on her face. As she rounded on you, you watched as she held her hoof out and struck out, pimp-slapping Vinyl. The aquamarine pimp slapped her so hard in the jaw that she fell off the couch and onto the ground in a spray of blood. Several screams and gasps resounded, as your dick hardened in response to the catfight.

“What the fuck, man!” Vinyl screeched as she tried to pick herself up off the floor. She put a hoof to her jaw and her eyes went wide as it came back covered in blood. “What the fuck?!”

“Get the fuck out, you fucking cunt. Get out!” Lyra shouted at the pony laying on the ground, raising her hoof again. “You fucking stoner piece of shit slut! Get out of my house!” Vinyl put up her hooves and stuttered.

“Y-yeah. Fine, wh-whatever, man. We’ll go.

She picked herself up off the ground and slunk over to the door, exiting without another word. Her friends filed out behind her, giving a mix of disparaging and angry looks at you and your bros. The last one left with a sharp crack as the door was slammed behind them.

“YOU FUCKED WITH THE RIGHT ONE, BITCH ASS NIGGAS!” Lyra shouted after them.

A heavy, awkward stillness hung over the three of you as Lyra stood shaking in pure anger.

“Er, I’ll go make sure Twi is okay,” Grey cut in and disappeared down the hall, leaving just you and Lyra alone in the empty living room.

“I guess it wouldn’t be a proper Christmas without some drunk bitches getting into a catfight,” you said with a chuckle, only to receive no response from your bro. “Yo…. y’allright?”

“I’m fine. That bitch had it coming.”

“Yeah. She was being a cock-juggling thundercunt. Thanks, bro. I was going to do something but you kind of stepped in. That was fucking awesome, by the way.” You grinned at your bro. “Best pimp slap I’ve seen in a long fucking time.”

“Thanks bro.” She giggled, before giving you a look. “So you really turned down a holiday orgy so you could hang with us, huh?”

“Of course! I couldn’t leave my bros alone on Christmas Eve. What the fuck kind of bro would I be?”

“That’s pretty cash of you, Anon.” She smiled at you, before motioning towards the back. “You should probably go check in on Twilight.”

You nodded. “Yeah… she took that pretty hard. I’ll be back, nigga.”

You popped up out of your seat and moseyed down the hall. You saw Grey exit the bathroom, closing the door slowly behind him. He shook his head as you approached him.

“How is she, Doc?”

“Uh, she’s better now. Cried her poor eyes out. You gonna talk to her?”

“Yeah, figured I should.”

The stallion nodded sternly at you and walked back down the hall.

“I need a beer,” you heard him say.

You knocked on the door and heard a sniffle.

“Y-yeah?”

“Yo, Twi. It’s Anon. Can I come in?”

“Uh, sure.”

Without hesitating, you pushed the door open and spotted the pony sitting curled up on the toilet. Eyeliner was smeared down her face and she had her glasses off, sitting next to her on the counter. Her hair was falling out of its bun and a grim look was on her face.

“Hey fam, how you feeling?”

“Terrible.” The pony bowed her head. When she lifted it back up, she looked at you with glistening eyes. “I can’t believe what she said.”

“Yeah, well. She’s a class-A cunt. Forget about her. Besides, she was also drunk.”

“That’s no excuse!” Twilight shouted, but quietly repeated, “That’s no excuse. I still feel terrible, regardless. What she said was true.”

You rubbed the back of your neck and rolled your eyes.

“Look, what happened that other night…”

“What about it?” She stared you down with a bloodshot eye. “We were drunk. That’s it.”

“Uh, yeah.”

“And there’s… there’s nothing between us. It was just a hook.”

“Hook up,” you corrected, privately touched at the mare’s naivete. “And yeah.”

An awkward pause hung over you two for a short time. Twilight sniffled again, and you walked up to her, taking a knee next to her.

“Hey. Forget what that dumb snatch said. You know what will make you feel better?”

“Hm?” Twilight said hoarsely.

“Taking a shit on her front porch.”

Twilight snickered at you. “Right.” The pony sighed and you watched her head bob up and down as her eyes fluttered open and closed.

“Hey, look. Let me put you to bed, okay? You want a piggyback ride?”

“A what?” Twilight’s ears pricked up

Without answering, you leaned over and grabbed the pony, putting her front hooves over your shoulders. With a small effort, you picked up the pony and carried her on your back to your room.

You plopped the pony into bed and lifted the covers up over her, tucking her in tightly. She sighed and dug herself deep into your pillow.

“G’night, Anon… I… love you,” Twilight mumbled into the pillow.

“Yeah, bro. Good night.”

After tucking Twilight in and telling Grey he could use your bed as well, you rejoined your aquamarine unicorn bro in the living room, flopping down on the couch beside her.

The fire crackled in the hearth and you felt the night starting to catch up with you. Lyra eventually took a deep breath and turned to you.

“I’m tired.”

“Yeah,” you replied, “me too.”

You leaned back into your couch and got comfy, letting out an exhausted yawn. With a content sigh, you folded your arms behind your head and closed your eyes.

?

You felt something warm and soft press against your chest. You opened your eyes and looked down, expecting to find Gary trying to get in your pants once again. However, much to your shock, you found Lyra leaning into you.

“Uh…” You flashed the mare a curious look. “What are you doing?”

She shot you an innocent look. “It’s cold…”

“You could just get a blanket or something, bro,” you pointed out.

“Well… maybe I don’t want a blanket…”

“This a bit hetero, man,” you commented.

She giggled oddly. “If I say no hetero, will you shut up?”

“I guess,” you responded with a shrug.

She pushed away from you slightly and leaned up. The hair on your neck stood up on end as your felt the mare’s hot breath brush against your ear.

“No hetero, dude… no hetero,” Lyra whispered into your ear softly, the tone of her voice sending shivers up your spinal cord. She grinned, before burying her face back into your chest.

As you wrapped an arm around your bro and shut your eyes once more, you found yourself feeling… strange. Something about the way Lyra said 'no hetero' made you feel… well, you weren’t exactly sure what you were feeling.

You sighed and decided to forget about it. You were too tired to think about it.

“Hey Anon?” the mare using you like a pillow asked.

“Hmm...?”

“Merry Hearth’s Warming… and thanks for spending it with me. I really appreciate it.”

“Don’t mention it, dude… anything for my bro…”

You heard your bro sigh contently as the two of you sat together. Only the sounds of the wind outside and the crackling of the fire could be heard as you drifted off to sleep, warm and drunk.

Chapter VIII: Merry Motherfucking Hearth's Warming, Anonymous (Part Two)

“NIGGA, WAKE THE FUCK UP!”

“OW BITCH!” you screeched as you awoke, recoiling away from the unicorn who had shouted into your ear, “I HAVE A HANGOVER, CAN YOU FUCKING NOT?!”

The mare flashed you a cheeky grin. “Sorry bruh, I just get really excited on Hearth’s Warming.”

You forced the sleepiness out of your eyes and groaned. “Say what now?”

“Hearth’s Warming, nigga. Remember?”

“Oh yeah… OH YEAH! IT’S FUCKING CHRISTMAS!”

“FUCK YEAH, BRO!”

“FUCK YEAH!”

“Would you two keep it down!?” the stallion across the room shouted.

“Shut the fuck up, Grey!” Lyra shouted. “Where the presents at? SHOW ME THE PRESENTS.”

“The fuck you on about, there aren’t any presents. Calm down, you Down’s syndrome baby.” You rolled your eyes at the pony and clutched at your head.

“If there aren’t any presents, then how do you explain those full stockings over there?” With a gigantic grin, Lyra magicked over the four stockings that had been hung on the mantlepiece.

“Wait, I thought Twilight only brought three stockings?” you asked, skeptic. “Who the fuck filled them?”

“It was Starswirl the Bearded, Anon!” Lyra shouted in your face. Your head throbbed in hungover pain of a thousand knives while you glared at the horse. How she wasn’t utterly hungover as well, you couldn’t fathom.

“Starswirl these nuts, nigga. I bet Twilight snuck in here early in the morning or some shit and filled them.”

“Doubtful. I went to piss about an hour ago and she’s knocked the fuck out. Someone should probably go wake her, too.” Grey stretched out his back as he shrugged the towel off of himself that he had used as a makeshift blanket. “Fuck, it was cold last night. But I guess you two wouldn’t know, you were practically wearing Lyra like a blanket.”

Lyra blushed profusely as Grey eyed her down, but you walked over to the fridge to grab the last holiday beer.

“Nah, fam, we said no hetero, so it was all normal like.”

“I bet.” Grey smirked as you popped the beer open.

“I’ll go wake up sleeping beauty so that we can get this fake ass present shit started.” You sipped your beer, ignoring the arguing voices of both Grey and Lyra as you moseyed down the hall.

“Ayyyyy!” You shouted aloud as you burst into your bedroom. You tripped on an empty bottle and did a half somersault into the side of your bed. Your head throbbed as you hit the bed frame, but luckily, you hadn’t spilled a single drop of beer. You popped back up on your feet and stared at the sight that laid before you:

Twilight was laying on her back, spread eagle, the sheets twisted and bunched up at her lower hooves. Her upper half was smothered in pillows and you spotted her snout sticking up among the fluffy mounds, mouth hanging open and snoring lightly. A wing stuck itself out at an angle from the other side of the bed.

“Sparklebutt, wake the fuck up!” You half-assedly yelled. You got no response, but that didn’t surprise you. Getting a dumb idea, you climbed partially up onto the bed and began to undo your pants, whipping your partial chub out from the split in the front of your boxers. As you began to stroke yourself off, the talk you and she had last night came bubbling up to the front of your mind. In a rare moment of clarity, you sheathed your sword and decided to try a less erect, err... direct approach.

Instead, you lifted your beer bottle near her nose. Tipping it gently, you let a small stream of beer trickle out and land in her open mouth. It only took a moment before all hell broke loose.

As you were overcome with an insane fit of laughter, you watched as the pony went from docile and comatose to a whirling fit of coughing, flailing wings. You were knocked on your ass by bucking hooves and you heard as Twilight’s cries went from surprise to pain.

“WHAT THE- Oh my CELESTIA, my FUCKING HEAD!” The pony shot a hoof up to the bridge of her nose as she wailed in agony. You continued to laugh your ass off as you lifted the pillow that was covering your bro’s face.

“Morning, Sparklebutt,” you said, flashing the mare a cheery smile.

“Anon? Why the... ergh… why does my head hurt so much?” She looked you over with bloodshot eyes.

“That’s called a hangover, bro,” you patted the pony roughly on the cheek, “everyone here’s got one. So keep it down, yeah? Let’s go open presents.”

Twilight whimpered and buried herself into her covers. “Five more minutes…”

“Nigga, do you want me to draw a pair of balls under your horn again?”

The princess groaned, before she rolled over to face you. “Give me a moment and I’ll be right out.”

You stuck around for a few moments to make sure she would keep her word. It wasn’t long before she started getting out of bed at a painstakingly slow pace, and with that, you made your way out of the bedroom.

“Wow, look at all this neat stuff!” Lyra exclaimed as she laid her treasures out on the floor before her, rubbing her hooves together like a Jewish merchant as she gazed upon them.

“It’s all junk, now,” you monotoned as you plopped down next to the pony. Twilight wandered into the living with a loud yawn and plopped down beside you, leaning against you.

“Oooh.. my head...” Twilight clutched at her forehead and moaned in pain.

You turned towards Lyra. “Hey bro, could you do a homie a favor and get us some water?”

She nodded. “Sure brah.”

“Thanks Lyra, you’re a real nigga You are the real MVP.” You flashed her a pair of thumbs up that would make the Fonz proud. The mare tried to replicate the action, but remembered a few seconds later that she lacked the opposable appendages to do so.

As the unicorn made her way into the kitchen, you suddenly realized your party was short one pony. You glanced about the living room and tried to track down your gay bro, but found he was no where to be seen.

“HEY LYRA!”

“OW!” The purple unicorn clutched her head and groaned, before flashing you an annoyed glare.

“Oops… sorry Sparklebutt.”

Lyra walked back into the room with a couple water bottle held in her telekinesis. “What’s up?”

“Where the fuck did Gary go?” you asked.

“You mean Grey?”

“Yeah, Gary.”

“He got a call while you were waking up Sparklebutt and had to leave.” She brought the water bottles over to the two of you. “Probably had family to spend time with, or dicks to suck. Maybe both. He didn’t even grab his presents.”

You hastily screwed the top off your bottle, tossed the cap aside, and drank down a mouthful of the dihydrogen monoxide.“Sounds like a great party, I wonder why we didn’t get invited.”

“I don’t think I could survive another party...” Twilight took a break from rubbing her aching head and took a drink from her water. She jumped back a little as a stocking flew at her face with a glow of mint green magic.

“HERE YA GO SPARKLEBUTT.” Lyra moved her aim to you, though she was a lot less gentle. You shouted aloud as the oversized sock beaned you across the head.

“OW, SHIT!” You cried in pain as you rubbed your temple. You shot your bro a glare. “Fuck you, cunt!”

“That’s for throwing that cookie at my head last night, cockbreath.” The pony batted her eyelashes sweetly at you, before digging into her stocking. You and the Princess of Spankings quickly followed suit.

As you dumped out the stocking, you wondered just what the hell an ancient bearded fuck could possibly bring you on fake Christmas.

You desperately hoped it was the booty.

Sadly, it was not the booty.

A handful of small, various sized gifts plopped out onto the floor before you. They were wrapped in simple brown paper and some were tied up with twine.

“Nigga, what the fuck’s this shit? Your rip off of a Santa is fucking shit-tier,” you scoffed.

No one responded to you, though. Deciding to just go for it, you went for the first package with zeal.

“Aw shit!” You took a moment to examine the gift. It was a finely crafted metal mare in a l-lewd pose with a bottle opener attached to it. “A sexy mare bottle opener! Thanks fake Santa!” You opened the next gifts and, to your surprise, there was a bottle of Old Spice body spray, followed by a Space Dandy Collector's Edition DVD set. “AWW SHIT! SCORE! What’d you chuckle-fucks get?”

“I got a new controller because you fucked up my last one, some nice ass perfume, and an extra large dildo.” Lyra eyed you with a sly smile.

“Really? Damn nigga.”

“No, you’ve got plenty enough hidden around that I don’t need one. I just got some socks.”

“Well, socks are hot, nigga,” you said, socking your jhe in the shoulder playfully, “you’re gonna get plenty of action when you’re rocking those.” You turned towards the other mare in the room. “What’d you get, Sparklebutt?”

Twilight flashed you an annoyed look in response to your use of her pet name, but answered. “I got a mineral.”.

“Isn’t that just a rock?” Lyra asked with a condescending look.

“Jesus Christ Marie, they’re minerals!” you shouted at her like an autist.

“Shut up, dude.” Lyra gave Twilight a sympathetic pat on the back. “That fucking sucks, Twi.”

The pony just laughed. “No, no this is great! It’s a rare magical mineral I’ve been wanting to study, but it’s really difficult to get in Equestria. Import laws and all.”

“Oh, yeah… that’s great, bruh.” Your aquamarine unicorn bro rolled her eyes at the gleeful princess. “What’d you get Anon?”

“Bottle opener, Old Spice, and some mother fuckin’ Space Dandy.”

“Fucking sweet, man.” She flashed you a grin, before glancing down. “Looks like you missed one, bro.” Lyra pointed a hoof at a package that was sitting by your foot.

“Aw shit nigga!” you said as you scooped the gift up. You turned it over in your hands and looked at it closer. It was a hexagonal package about the size and weight of your fist, wrapped up and topped with twine.

“Yo, you gonna open it or what bro?” You looked up to see Lyra staring at you, as well as Twilight looking at you expectantly.

“Uh, yeah. Wonder what it is?” You untied the bow and began tearing the paper off. A dark red box, the edges worn, began to reveal itself, and you finished removing the paper to reveal a green lid. You popped the top off and dumped the contents into your hand: a sleek silver watch, the leather band marred slightly from age.

A sinking feeling hit your gut as you turned the watch over in your hands to look at the face: a pearl background, with inlaid diamonds on the twelve, three, six and nine o’clock positions. Your face started to get really hot and your throat got tight as you turned it over to look at the back of the face; initials were engraved on the back.

The room fell silent and you felt your grip tighten as you looked back at the watch’s face, an uncomfortable feeling of familiarity hanging over you. The second hand ticked by, unrelenting.

“Anon…?”

You looked up at the voice.

“Are you… crying?” Twilight asked with concern.

“Uh, no nigga, I’m leaking. Humans do it all the time,” you joked as you reached up and wiped the tears out of your eyes with that back of your hand before blinking away the rest.

You didn’t move your eyes away from the watch, though. You could not recall for the life of you where you had seen it before, just you knew deep down that it was important to you.

You slapped it on your wrist, before cinching it down. You took a small moment to admire the watch that was now adorned on your wrist, before looking back up at your bros. “See? Everything’s fine.”

“You sure everything is okay, dude?” Lyra inquired as she sat beside you, placing a comforting hoof on your shoulder, “You want to talk?”

You shook your head. “Honestly? I don’t know what’s up. Just there’s something about this watch… fuck man… I could really use a drink right about now.”

As if on cue, the door burst open. As if delivered by the norse gods themselves, a whip of snowy wind revealed a bundled up Big Macintosh, his mane flowing in the flurry.

Your homie looked like he was Han Solo in the Empire Strikes Back.

“Ayo nigga!” you jumped up from the floor and approached your bro, your mood doing a complete one-eighty, “I missed your ass last night!”

The stallion smirked at your greeting. “Gay,” Big Mac said, chuckling, and crossed over the threshold. He unloaded his pack and unwrapped his scarf to hang it on the coat rack. You raised an eyebrow as you heard the clinking of bottles in your bro’s pack. “Ah’m sorry Ah couldn’t make it to the party last night, had to be with the family, but we opened up Hearth’s Warming presents and Ah got some time in with the family, so Ah got permission to come see ya guys.”

“Nice man, really glad you could make it.” You flashed your bro a smile. “We were just about to get a circlejerk started.”

“Great, Ah brought some Applejack Daniels. Vintage stuff.”

“FUCK YES!” you cheered, before throwing your arms around the red stallion and pulling him into a tight, non-homosexual bromantic embrace, “I missed you, fam.”

“Same,” he returned your hug, “Ah think we can both agree the whole voting thing was a mistake.”

“Agreed! Now let’s get fucking shitfaced.”

“Hey, not without me,” came a voice at the doorway. You turned around to see a frost-covered stallion smiling from behind his scarf. “Sorry I had to go, guys. I was needed down the road at one of the offices where I work. Calling me in on Hearth’s Warming... I swear to Celestia, someone’s ass is getting chewed over this, I- Oh, hello,” Grey stopped sharply as he spotted Big Mac undressing himself from his winter gear near the entryway closet.

“Howdy,” the big pony nodded at the suddenly still stallion.

“I’m uh, Grey Lakes. But you can call me Grey, hehe,” the stallion stammered as he offered a hoof to Big Mac.

“Big Macintosh. A pleasure.” The two ponies shook. Neither of them, however, had spotted the dastardly look you had slowly been getting in your eyes. As you watched Grey spill spaghetti all over a blatantly oblivious Big Mac, a plan formulated in your mind, and you rubbed your hands together like a greedy merchant.

“Let’s get that bottle open, shall we?” you remarked, grabbing some glasses out of the cupboard.

“Hear, hear!” your unicorn bro cried out from the other end of the room.

After a few shots had been poured, the atmosphere in the apartment had started to get /comfy/. Twilight had opted to stay as far away from the hard liquor as possible, opting to sip away at her water in your room while the other three members of your party downed shot after shot.

“So, Big Mac, tell me a little about yourself.” Grey batted his eyes lightly at the stallion.

“He’s got a 15 inch dick, and plows his sister every night!” Lyra called out like a retard before Big Mac could open his mouth.

“Which one!?” you replied from across the couch.

Big mac just frowned into his drink.

“Fuck you guys,” he said, and began chuckling. “I’m a farmer by trade, grew up there my whole life.”

“Oh, how quaint,” Grey cooed, sipping at his drink. “So what do you like to do?”

“Uh, planting, harvesting… plowing. Plowing is fun,” the pony rubbed his chin as he tried to think.

“Yes it is!” You declared. “Especially plowing your sister’s tight ass.”

“Anon, can ya-”

“Dude, Applejack’s ass is like the Eighth Wonder of the World.” You continued on, staring at the red stallion the whole time with a slowly widening smug grin. “Her booty is the meaning of life, and the key to happiness.”

“Do you think that you could bounce a quarter off her ass?” Lyra inquired.

“I can confirm with the knowledge I have acquired through drunken adventures with her that you can, in fact, bounce quarters off her ass.”

Big Mac buried his face into his hooves. Grey chuckled along with you and your unicorn bro. Eventually, the conversation evened out into the more normal sense, and Grey carried on with Big Mac.

As they talked, you watched the way Grey interacted with your big red bro, the way he held on his words and smiled every time the stallion looked his way. When Big Mac had eventually excused himself to the restroom, you decided set your plan into motion.

“Lyra. Brah.”

“Sup?” the unicorn replied to you.

“Can you get me some more water, nigga?”

“Nah go fuck yourself,” she said and took a swig of her drink in a very lady-like fashion as it spilled down her front. “Shit,” she cursed and slammed the glass down on the table. “Fine, fuckster, but only because I’m going to the kitchen to get a towel.”

“You’re the best, sugar tits!” you called after the pony as she stomped off to the kitchen.

“Eat a dick!” she screeched as she disappeared into the next room. As soon as you saw her tail disappear around the corner, you plopped down next to Grey, who was nursing his drink.

“Gary,” you said.

“Grey,” Grey corrected.

“So, I noticed the way you’ve been looking at Big Mac.” The stallion blushed a bit at your observation, but quickly switched to a more defensive manner.

“Yeah, and what?”

“Pump your brakes, amigo, I’m just trying to help a bro out.”

“Go on…” the stallion seemed more interested in what you had to say.

“You want the D. It’s pretty fuckin’ obvious. And I’ll tell you a secret about Big Mac.”

Grey leaned in towards you, eyes wide.

“Go on…” He was on the edge of his seat.

“Big Mac is as straight as a rainbow sucking gloryhole dick at a gay bar.”

“Sooo, he’s….?”

“Yep, as gay as they come, bro,” you nodded to give your statement weight. “But,” you iterated with a stern finger, “he is very private about it. The shy type, you know? He’ll deny it every day of the week, but its true. I think he just needs the right man in his life.”

Grey nodded in agreement and rubbed at his chin.

“I can see what you mean. Big guy,” he responded as you muttered a quick ‘for you’ under your breath, “all alone, working hard on the farm all day. He needs some class in his life. I could fix that.”

“Just be super careful about it,” you warned, face dead serious. “He spooks easy. Take your time with him.”

“You got it, Anon. Thanks.” As the stallion finished thanking you, he missed your evil grin that was painted on your face as he turned to greet Lyra, who had just entered the living room.

“Here you go, cockbreath,” the mare said as she shoved a watter bottle in your gut and plopped down with a new drink. You promptly threw the water bottle aside, which exploded as it impacted with ground for no apparent reason.

Big Mac moseyed back into the room, and sat himself back down onto the couch, taking his drink back in hoof once more. As you helped yourself to another pair of overflowing shots, things began to settle back down into the normal pace.

“ALL I’M SAYING IS THAT THE GOVERNMENT NEED TO STOP GIVING THESE FILTHY IMMIGRANTS EVERYTHING THEY ASK FOR.” You ranted drunkenly, sloshing your drink around as you made angry motions with your hands. “I’M TIRED OF MY TAX DOLLARS BEING WASTED ON A BUNCH OF HAIRLESS MONKEYS WHO DO NOTHING BUT SIT ON THEIR ASS ALL DAY.”

“But Anon, you’re a human immigrant who receives money from the government,” Twilight pointed out as she stood in the hallway, nursing her head with a disdained look on her face.

“And all you do during the day when you aren’t at the bar, streaking, or occasionally ‘working’ at Sweet Apple Acres is sit on your ass all day making sex puns.” Lyra added.

“AND I COULDN’T BE HAPPIER!” you declared with a goofy ass grin.

“Speaking of that, are you ever going to apply for citizenship, Anon?” Twilight inquired as she finished off her water bottle and settled into the empty space next to you. “Equestria offers a lot of benefits to it’s citizens, natural born or not.”

“Nah,” you said with a shrug, “I’m too lazy. Plus I’m happy with what I got as is, so I could care less about the benefits.”

Before Twilight could bore you with anymore talk about becoming an Equestrian citizen, there was a loud, angry knock at the front door.

“BIG MAC! Ah know yer in there!” Big Mac visibly shrunk at the sound of his big booty toting sister’s voice on the other end of the door.

“Who the hell is that?” Grey asked, craning his neck to look back at the door.

“Only the greatest gift to booty-kind the Fonz has ever gave this motherfucking color pony infested planet, friend,” you preached. You downed the rest of your drink, got off your ass, and made your way over to the door. You yanked it open and stepped outside.

“Ayyy gurl! Merry fucking Christmas. Or Hearth’s Warming or whatever.” You flashed Applejack a grin as you gave her a quick once over. Unlike your bro who had been dressed up in what might as well be a Han Solo Hoth cosplay, Applejack was wearing only a long, red scarf and her usual stetson. Your faded jeans tightened noticeably in response to her look. “Damn shawty, you be looking fine in that scarf.”

“Thank ya kindly, Anon.” She flashed you a quick grin, before her face turned sour once more. “Ah’m here for-”

“WHAT?!” You put on your best Lil Jon impression.

“Ah said, I’m here for B-”

“WHAT!?” you cried again, holding your hand up to your ear. The pony started steaming in the winter cold.

“AH SAID, AH’MN HERE FER BIG MACINTOSH!”

“OKAY!” you cried. “I mean, he’s not here,” you lied to her like a champ.

“Anon, Ah can see him from here.”

“No you can’t.”

“Yes, Ah can.”

You looked over your shoulder for a split second, and could, indeed, see the big red horse lounging on your couch, drink in hoof.

“Uh, uh. That’s not him. That’s my Big Mac blow-up doll. Starswirl the bearded dude gave him to me for Christmas. I mean, Hearths Warming.”

“Ah bet,” the pony snorted, and pushed her way inside. “Excuse me.”

“I’m sorry, brah, I tried! Run for cover!” you shouted after the mare, trying your best not to get overly distracted by her bouncing flanks.

“Big Macintosh! Ya told me ya were gonna go out to check on the cattle out in the barn, and after thirty minutes, Ah went out to make sure ya hadn’t frozen into a ponysicle. Turned out that the lock hadn’t even been touched!”

“How’d ya know where Ah went?” the stallion asked sheepishly.

“Ah followed yer hoofprints, ya big idiot.”

“Oh,” was all the pony could reply as he shrank deeper into the couch.

“Big Mac can’t into stealth Big Mac’s sneak level wasn’t high enough,” you commented as you stepped back inside the apartment and closed the door behind you.

“And furthermore, Ah cannot believe that--” The mare stopped suddenly as a jingling sound was heard near her hooves. Another jingle was heard, and Lyra tried to stifle her laughter into her hooves. “Excuse me, Lyra? Can Ah help ya?”

“YOU WERE RIGHT, ANON!” she screamed out loud and doubled over in a fit of laughter. You spotted as a small handful of quarters fell off the couch next to her as the pony carried on. Applejack’s face went bright red and she cleared her throat.

“Anyways, Big Mac, it’s time to git home, ya should be glad Granny Smith can’t grip things no more, or yer rear end would be starting to go bald from all the paddlings she’d be giving ya.”

You laughed to yourself as you watched Grey fidget at Applejack's threats.

“Quit being a buzzkill, bro. Why don’t you have some shots with us?” you said from behind the angry mare. Grabbing the bottle of Applejack Daniels, you poured a very large tumbler of whiskey and garnished it with a large splash of even more whiskey. For good measure, you added a dash of whiskey. Dropping in two ice cubes you came around the fuming horse and offered her the drink. “Look, its Hearth’s Warming and all that gay shit. Have a drink with us and enjoy it.” You shoved the glass in Applejack’s face, but she pushed it away.

#rude

“Hearth’s Warming is supposed to be spent with family and loved ones, Anon. I’m sorry but Big Mac’s gotta come with me.”

“Aren’t we loved ones, fam?” you put on your best hurt expression, and offered the glass to her again. “Come on. Just one drink.” Applejack eyed you down dangerously, but as the rest of the ponies in the room began to speak up their argument, she faltered. Sighing heavily, she put her hoof out to get the glass.

“Fine. But just one drink.”

As it turned out, just one drink was more than enough to keep Applejack in your house, and you’re pretty sure that if she wore clothes, they would have disappeared rather quickly. As the night started to fall outside, the entire gang was in high spirits as shots turned into body shots, and even Twilight began getting in on the action.

“Off her ass! Off her ass!” Lyra cried as the rest of the ponies cheered.

Twilight acted embarrassed before immediately sticking her rear end into the air. You approached the sacred booty shrine, a shot glass in hand. Bowing before the ponies, you reveled in their cheers and suddenly put your hand up for complete and utter silence. You moved the pony’s tail out of the way, and admiring the view for a moment, slipped the glass into her ass cheeks. She clenched them together to hold the shot glass, and getting down on your knees, you turned around so that your head was below her ass.

“Okay, go,” you said, and Twilight lifted up her front end so that her ass tipped slowly down, pouring the shot out into your open mouth. When the last drop had hit your tongue, everyone in the room cheered and you crawled out from beneath the pony’s nether region. With a hearty slap on the ass, you thanked Twilight.

“Fuck… you, Anon...” she panted as her cheeks (both pairs) began to glow hot red.

“You’re welcome, Sparklebutt!” you shouted as a fit of laughter hit you.

Suddenly, your laughter was cut short by a loud, rolling boom rumbled the frame of the house.

“The fuck was that!?” Lyra shouted as she leaped out of her chair near the window.

“FUCK!” you shouted, hitting the floor, “It’s World War Three, man! Fucking mecha Hitler is back and he brought his dick nazis with him!”

As you looked up, though, you saw variously puzzled faces around you.

“Wait, they’re just the fireworks.” Lyra reiterated as she leaned over to glance out the window.

“Oh fuck yes!” you exclaimed, before pausing. “Wait… why is there fireworks on a rip off Christmas?”

“Well Anon,” Twilight spoke up, “As I believe I explained earlier, Hearth’s Warming celebrates how pegasi, unicorns, and earth ponies founded Equestria after embracing the magic of friendship. So to celebrate this, the local Royal Guard units launch a mixture of pyrotechnics and high explosive ordnance into the air.”

“So you’re telling me Hearth’s Warming is both fucking Christmas and the Fourth of July?” You could feel the hype building up inside you as you asked this.

“I… guess?” The purple unicorn responded with a confused look.

“THAT’S FUCKING AWESOME!” Hopping up off the floor, proceeded to boogey over to the door.Jacket on and scarf wrapped up, you strolled out into the darkening twilight.

“Anon, what about your pants!?” Twilight shouted after you.

“PANTS ARE FOR TINY DICKED MANLETS!” You shouted back. Ironically, the chill that blew between your bare legs shrank your member into its smallest form, which was still pretty big, at least according to you. Too drunk to care, you pushed on. Snow crunched underfoot and you searched the dark orange sky for more fiery balls of explosive excitement.

A resounding boom rattled your teeth and you looked up to see a broad expanse of tangerine light spreading outwards high above you. As the sparkles drifted away from the centerpoint, they turned from bright orange into a crackling emerald and you felt a giant, stupid smile spread across your face.

As the final glittering light fizzled into the darkness, you heard the crunch of snow around you as your friends joined you in your ecstatic celebration.

You jumped a little as you felt hooves around your waist and turned around to see Lyra wrapping a towel around your waist.

“Here, you needle-dicked moron. Didn’t want you to be that cold out here.” The pony smiled up at you. You felt a warm sensation wash out from your chest and spread through your back into the tips of your fingers at her look.

“Thanks, Lyra,” you smiled back, and tousled the pony’s mane. Another explosion went off high above you, and you felt the pony jump up and nudge tight against you.

“Bruh,” you said, giving the pony a sidelong glance. She looked up at you, eyes bright and innocent-looking in the amber glow of the last firework went high into the sky. It detonated with a concussive blast that shook your soul and spooked your inner skeletal.

“No hetero, man.”

“Right, no hetero.” You wrapped your arm around the mare’s side and pulled her in close. You, her, and the rest of your party watched the sparks dance above you in the sky, the theme of Equestria: World Police playing softly into the background.