“Fuck, it’s snowing. Again.”

“So what?” you said, clicking at your controller absentmindedly.

Lyra sat at the window, breathing frost across the cold glass. Little flurries rushed past as the the grey skies cast a grim shadow on the now-white land. “I fucking hate snow.”

“Then stay inside, bro. It’s not like you have shit to do or anything.”

“Actually, I do, asshat. I wanted to visit my cousin before she left for the rest of the month to go see the family and leave me all alone for fucking Hearth’s Warming.” A heavy pause hung over the room while Lyra waited for you to grunt some reply, but you were too engrossed in your game to really give a fuck. The stillness dragged on until it became more of an awkward silence where someone was expected to speak up and say something.

“Yup,” you eventually replied, before you were cut off.

“It’s, like, really? It’s not like I’m all alone out here already! As if she couldn't offer to take me with her or something! Fucking cunt. I hate that candy-making whore’s fucking face.”

You paused your game and turned slowly to give the mare an incredulous look.

“The fuck you on about?”

“Nothing, forget it.”

“Oh, I get it.” You grinned. “You’re on your period.”

“Shut the fuck up, dickbreath. That ended last week.”

“Didn’t need to know,” you said, returning to your game.

“Forget it.” Lyra picked herself up off the windowsill and moped over to her room, shutting the door behind her.

You rolled your eyes and paused your game. Picking your fat ass up off the couch, you followed Lyra back to her room.

“Heyyy.” You knocked on the pony’s door. “Lyra. Y’allright?”

“No. Go away,” the pony sniffled from within her room. Fuck. Fucking women.

“Seriously, Lyra. Be straight with your bro.”

All you could hear were a few sniffles and a whimper.

“I’ve been alone on Hearth’s Warming Day ever since I moved here. I thought I’d at least be a little less alone when my cousin moved here, but NOOOOOO the stupid cunt leaves every time the holidays roll around.” Her voice tapered off into silence and you heard her sniffling.

“Hey,” you said gently, tapping on the pony’s door. “You want to get utterly shitfaced on holiday beer?”

Lyra remained silent for a few moments, and then you heard the door handle click open. A very red-eyed and snot-nosed unicorn peeked out from behind the crack in the door. She was actually pretty adorable like that, in a gross, snotty-crying way.

“C-can we take a shit on Bon Bon’s front porch after?”

“OF COURSH,” you said, in a perfect Tom Hardy impression.

Lyra opened the door some more.

“Don’t worry dude, I’m not about to let my bro be lonely on Christmas,” you stated with a smile, before extending your arms out to the mare, “now get over here and give your nigga a hug.”

The mare’s mood did a complete one-eighty as she exited the bedroom and accepted your offer with open hooves. As your felt her soft, warm hooves wrap tightly around your waist, you embraced your bro in an affectionate brotherly embrace.

“Thanks man…” you heard her say.

“Yo man, anytime. This is what it’s all about, man. Homies drowning their loneliness and problems in booze together. That’s some real nigga shit right there.”

“Whatever you say, Anon,” she looked up at you, “say… you’re buying, right?”

“Fuck.”

“Yo, Big Mac Daddy. You, me, Lyra, tomorrow, and a ton of holiday beer. You in?”

“Uh...” The stallion hesitated. He had just finished helping a customer at the Ponyville open market, and was tucking his bits into a burlap sack. “I’ve already got plans, bro.”

“Aw... what the fuck, dude? What could you possibly be doing that’s more important than drunk time with your bros?”

“My family?”

“Oh yeah. You have that shit, I forgot.”

“Sorry, Anon. I’d love to come bro down with you and Lyra, you know that. But it’s Hearth’s Warming tomorrow and Ah gotta be there. It’s tradition.”

“Yeah, whatever, I get it,” you cut in, feeling your face burning. A shot of jealousy punched you in the gut and you weren't exactly sure why.

“Sorry.” Big Mac’s features hardened as he pursed his lips. “Y’allright?”

“Yeah man. I’ll see you around. Have a good Christmas.”

“A good what?” you heard Big Mac ask as you turned sharply to continue on your way.

As you trudged through the shin-high banks of snow, you reminded yourself why you always fucking hated the shit. As you shook the ice off your coat, you bundled up tighter and approached the local distillery-mare.

“Sup Honeycrisp,” you chirped happily, “do you have any seasonal specials today?”

“Oh, you bet I do, Anon.” The mare beamed at you, her face buried in her striped scarf. “I was expecting you to ask.”

“You know me, bro,” you said with a shrug, “I get the Christmas bug pretty bad.”

“The what now, dear?” the mare asked as she turned to magick out a few bottles from her cooler.

“Christmas,” you said flatly. The mare gave you an odd look.

“What is that? Do you mean Hearth’s Warming?”

“Uh yeah, sure. Nevermind. What do you have today?”

“I have peppermint beer, pumpkin beer, and a nice chocolate beer.”

“Ehhh…” you asked, scratching the back of your neck, “Anything else?”

“Well…” She dug deeper into the big, metal cooler. “I have a special brew. Cinnamon and graham cracker bourbon red ale.”

“The fuck?” you asked, but your confusion was quickly set aside by thirst as your mouth began to water. “Yeah, hook it up. That sounds really good.”

Honeycrisp beamed up at you. “I knew you’d pick that!” And with a whisp of magic, the bottle was uncapped. You grabbed it in your hand and took a sip.

Shit, this was really, really good. You could already feel the little elves dancing in your gut.

“We ferment the beer in bourbon barrels, right from Sweet Apple Acres.”

“This is amazing. I’ll take two cases.”

As you reached for your bulging sack of bits (thanks government subsidies), you placed a handful on the table. The merchant’s eyes gleamed even more golden than before.

“Right away!”

As you carried the boxes full of precious cargo under your arms, your moseyed your way down the main street back to your place. You had some premium seasonal booze, and you were ready to get the holidays started the right way with your bros.

“Hey, Ano-OOF!” a pony cried. You were knocked flat on your ass, but with the help of your spidey senses and a little Christmas miracle, you kept the cases of beer tucked tight under your arm.

“FUCK. Damn, get off my dick, Sparklebutt!” you shouted seriously, but soon broke into retarded laughter as you climbed back up.

“O-oh. I’m so, so sorry Anon! Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine bro. Lemme help you.” There were several parcels the mare had been carrying scattered all over the snowy ground.

“Sorry, I should have been paying attention. I’m so sorry,” Twilight went on as you snatched up the wrapped packages she had dropped.

“Ain’t nuthin but a G thang, homie,” you reassured the mare, even though your feng shui was getting out of whack. “What's up?” You stacked the last of her things neatly on a crate beside you.

“Oh, I was just coming back from downtown. I was shopping for Hearth’s Warming.”

“Oh?” you said, taking a sip from your beer. “Did you pick me up an extra large horse dildo like I asked?”

“W-what?” Twilight stuttered, beginning to panic. You threw up a hand as you rolled your eyes.

“I’m just fucking with you,” you said with a grin, and tussled the mare’s hair. “So what did you get anyways?”

“Well…” Twilight began, biting her lip, “I picked up a saddle.”

She smiled coyly at you as you took another sip on your holiday beer.

“Yeah? And?”

“A-a-and I was wondering if you’d like to come back to my place and see how it looked on me…?”

You gave the mare a look. “Can I ride you around while you wear it?”

Twilight opened and closed her mouth a few times before breaking into a heavy, hot red blush.

“I, uh…” Her smile got wider and wider.

Damn, that was really cute.

“Appreciate the offer, but I’ve already got plans to get fucked up with Lyra.” Another sip, and you had finished off your beer. You uttered a silent prayer and tossed the bottle over your head in some random direction.

“B-but,” Twilight started, stamping an indignant hoof into the snow, “I got it for you…”

“Huh?” you said, whipping your head around to face Twilight after making sure the bottle didn't hit any children on its descent.

“Look. Can you at least help me carry all these parcels back to my castle?”

“Sure brah. I lift.” And indeed you did, as you tucked what you could under your arms.

“Thank you, Anon,” Twilight beamed as she magicked the rest of her boxes up into air around her.

“Nigga that’s fucking cheating,” you grunted as you felt your arms starting to give out; you had grabbed way too much. With an exasperated thought, you wished the fucking packages would get home already, and suddenly, they disappeared out of thin air from under your arms.

“Coooooool,” you monotoned as you flexed your arms to stretch them out. “Check it, cunt.”

“Huh?” Twilight said, so enraptured that she almost dropped her own packages. “How did you…?”

“I dunno, I just wished they would get to where we were going, and they were gone,” you answered with a shrug. “It’s kinda normal. I wish for shit, and it happens. It’s a Christmas miracle.”

“What’s Christmas?” Twilight asked, skeptical.

“Seriously? Everyone knows what Christmas is. Even the Jews.”

“As if that answers my question. Try that again.” You sighed as you trudged alongside the pony.

“Christmas is when you hang socks on the chimney and expect a fat man to bring you gifts. However, it just turns out to be your dad. Then he tells you to go to bed, you start crying, and you never get that fucking fire engine."

“Uh… huh...” Twilight just looked ahead as you lost yourself in shit memories.

“I really wanted that fucking firetruck…” you muttered. You looked sidelong at Twilight and noticed her face was grim. “Sooo, what do you do for Hearth’s Warming?”

“Oh, well. It basically celebrates the founding of Equestria between the three races of ponies. It celebrates the differences that make us special but also reminds us that we’re all ponies no matter if we have wings, horns, or nothing at all!” Twilight beamed at her summation.

“Sounds pretty fucking gay,” you summated in your own way.

“No, Anon, you’ll see,” was all the alicorn replied.

“Well like, what do you guys do exactly? To celebrate?”

“Lots of things! Pageants, candy cane making, gift exchanges, caroling, you name it.” You sighed though.

“Look, is there, like, a book on it I can read? Can I just check this shit out at the library or something?”

Twilight looked straight ahead as her face went blank, save for a creepy, thousand yard stare that pierced the road ahead of you.

“This town doesn’t have a library anymore.” Her tone was flat, and you decided not to ask any more.

“We’re here!” Twilight said after a long pause, slightly out of breath from the trek. And indeed you were. You looked up at the gigantic crystalline tree that loomed before you. It had been decorated with baubles and ornaments in the spirit of the holiday tradition.

“Jesus, this thing is ugly,” you commented.

“Yeah, well, I didn’t pick the decor this year.” She walked ahead of you, and with a sparkle of magic, opened up the door the the tree castle. “Shall we?”

You shrugged and waltzed in, barely able to contain your swag. Twilight walked in behind you.

As the two of you wandered through the halls of the castles, you noticed that you were the only two living souls around.

“Jesus, this place is fucking desolate.” Your voice echoed down the long corridors. “Is there seriously no one here?”

“No. Spike is in Canterlot visiting Celestia for Hearth’s Warming. It’s a tradition with them.”

“What about your other friends?”

“Pinkie Pie and the Cakes are in Manehattan for a baking competition, Rarity and her sister went to Fillydelphia for a holiday fashion premier, Applejack is with her family at Sweet Apple Acres, Rainbow Dash is visiting her dad in Cloudsdale, and Fluttershy always spends the holidays with her animal friends. I’m uh, alone this Hearth’s Warming Day.”

“Sucks bro.”

“Yeah. I guess so. It’s ok, I’m used to being alone. I could the time alone to get some reading done anyways.” She turned away from you to set her packages down on her kitchen counter. The things you had willed out of existence were sitting there, as well. “Anyways, thanks Anon. I really appreciate the help.”

“No problem,” you said, picking up your cases of beer and turning to make your exit.

You paused, getting an idea.

“Yo. You want some beer?”

“Uh, well--”

“Wait, no. Fuck it.”

“Huh?” Twilight said, recoiling a little at your sudden reaction.

“You should come hang out with Lyra and me tonight. We’re getting super drunk and hanging out for the holiday tomorrow.”

After taking a moment to think over your idea, she responded. “Well, I don’t see why not. Sure! I’d love to, Anon!” A hidden glimmer sat in the pony’s eye as she looked at you funny.

“Sweeeeet. You’re lonely as fuck, so is Lyra, and I have a need to slam some beers because I’m lonely and dead on the inside. This’ll be the greatest Christmas ever!”

“Hearth’s Warming,” Twilight corrected you.

“Whatever, cunt. Come over later tonight.”

As you hopped from snowbank to snowbank with your precious cargo under your arms, you thought all about the fun you were going to have. Good booze, good friends… the only thing that was missing in the trifecta was some good poon.

“Hey, Anon!” came a voice from behind you.

Speaking of the devil...

“Oh, sup Vinyl?”

“Not much!” The mare smiled at you. “Just heading to the train station. I’m going to Canterlot to visit some friends for Hearth’s Warming.”

“Cool, man.”

“Yeah. What’ve you got there?” The pony indicated your stash with a hoof.

“Some premium holiday booze, bruh. My friends and I are going to get super hammered because we’re all lonely as fuck this Christmas.”

“For what now?”

“Nevermind. What are you up to in Cunterlot?” You giggled quietly at your little joke.

“Cool stuff, dude. Some lady friends and I are gonna get drunk, probably smoke some grass, have a big orgy. Same as every year.”

A sudden tightening of your pants confirmed your appreciation for this traditional yuletide activity.

“You know... I really, really liked the way you fucked me that last time.” Vinyl bit her lip as she stared you down like lioness on the hunt. “My friends will probably enjoy it, too. You should come with, and bring that fancy beer with you.” She batted her eyes heavily at you.

“Fuck yeah, I’ll be there!”

“Great!” Vinyl pulled a receipt from out of her saddlebag and scribbled on it. With a sparkle of magic, she shoved it in your pants pocket and winked before turning on her way. “I’d better see you there.”

You felt your internal hype grow larger with your expanding, hardening cock, but the weight in between your arms reminded you of your plans for tonight.

“Actually wait, Vinyl.”

“Hm?” the pony asked as she lifted her glasses off her face to look at you. “Sup?”

“I can’t leave my bros alone here. Sorry dude.” You paused and scratched your chin in thought. “Say… why don’t you and your friends come over to my place instead?”

Vinyl scowled, then her her features softened. She tapped a hoof on her chin.

“Yeah you know, maybe. Tell you what... we’ll stop by later tonight if we can. How does that sound?”

“Sounds good to me, man,” you said.

Vinyl returned your smile and put her glasses on.

“I’ll see you later then.” And with a swish of her tail, she sauntered away to the station. You made sure to appreciate the way her flanks bounced from side to side as she walked away, and carnal memories of the way you had mounted that tight ass came forefront in your mind.

Unf

Turning to go, you moseyed your way back to your apartment.

“AYOOOOOO,” you shouted out loud as you kicked the door to your shitty apartment open. You spotted Lyra lounging in her particularly weird way on the couch. “Ayy gurl.”

“YES. FINALLY,” the unicorn shouted as she hopped off the couch. Grabbing a bottle in her magic’s grip, she popped the top off and tipped the bottle to let the cool brew past her lips. “Holy fucking fuckity fuck in a pear tree. That’s some good shit, Anon. I love it!”

“Thanks, fam. I picked it specially for you and Sparklebutt.”

“Sparklebutt? You mean Twilight?”

“Oh yeah. She’s loner as fuck for Christmas, too, so I invited her over tonight to party with us.” You grabbed a beer and popped it open. “Oh, and Vinyl and some of her mare friends. They’re probably going to have an orgy or something, too.”

“What,” was all Lyra could get out as she nearly choked on her mouthful of beer.

“You’ll see, cunt. Shit’s gonna be bomb, though. If we plan this right, we probably won’t even wake up on Christmas.” You took a big sip.

“For fuck’s sake, you autist, it’s Hearth’s Warming. Not chrispmoss.”

“Christmas, you Jew.”

“Whatever, cut that out already.” She took another sip of her beer. “But yeah, I’m looking forward to not being alone this Hearth’s Warming.” She beamed up at you, her eyes as bright as her smile. You felt a little pang of something in your gut, but you couldn’t place it; you drowned it with another swig of beer.

“I’m happy for you, dude.”

The two of you went silent and opted to drink away at your beers. Several long moments of silence later, Lyra spoke up.

“Hey, Anon?”

“Sup bruh?”

“I want to suck your cock.”

“Well, then what are you waiting for? I’m already hard,” you said, motioning to your crotch.

“N-no, no, I was just kidding.” The pony threw up a hoof as her eyes went wide in shock. She giggled a little, though. “Fucking hetero.”

You grinned at your bro.

“Seriously, though,” the pony went on, “I’m really glad to have you in my life.”

“Yeah. I am, too, bro.”

“So…” Lyra held her bottle out to you. “What should we toast to? Our brotherly bond? World peace?”

You took a moment and thought very carefully about your response.

It didn’t take long for you to figure out your response.

“To Pepe and Wojak,” you said as you held up your bottle, “the normalfags may have killed them, but they live on in our hearts.”

“Uh… alright…” Your bro gave you a weird look. “To Pepe and Wojak!”

Your two bottles met midway with a clack, before you tilted your head back and downed the rest of your brew.

You had gotten about four bottles of beer in when you heard a knock on the door.

“I GOT IT,” you shouted as you jumped up from your seat.

“YOU GOT IT BRO.”

Ambling up to the door, you fumbled with the lock in your slight buzz. A wave of chill air and snow flurries danced inside as you spotted who had knocked. Twilight was standing in the doorway, wearing a tight red turtleneck sweater and a wide smile. Her glasses shone in the light of the doorway and her hair was pulled up into a loose (but still very classy) bun.

You appreciated her look with a tightening of your pants. Damn, she looked hot.

“Oh, well… thank you, Anon.”

Shit. You did that thing again.

“Uh, come in bro. Can I get you a beer?”

The pony stepped inside, wiping her hooves on the mat. A few large, glowing bags floated in behind her, and Twilight scanned the room, as if looking for something.

“Not right now, thank you. Mhm, just as I suspected.” She marched right inside with her bags. As she set them down on the counter, a wide assortment of sundries and foods floated in magic’s grip around the room. “Hey, Lyra!” Twilight smiled at the unicorn while everything floated into place.

“Uh… Hey, Twi. What the hell’re you doing?” Lyra eyed the happening in the room very carefully. Wreaths hung themselves in strategic places on empty walls, garland snaked itself around coffee tables and bookshelves, lights strung themselves along the ceiling, candles floated into place, a platter of cookies and a large jug of what looked like eggnog set itself on the countertop. “Nigga, what the fuck are you doing! Now this place is all… gay and Hearth’s Warming-y.” The unicorn gagged as she spotted a nutcracker float onto the coffee table. A fire started itself in the cold hearth as three stockings pinned themselves onto the mantlepiece.

“Shut up, Lyra, this is awesome. Thanks, Sparklebutt.” You flashed the mare a thumbs up, eliciting a bright smile from her.

“You haven’t even seen the best part.” Twilight smiled devilishly and she grabbed the last thing from out of her bags before folding them up, tucking them out of sight in a cupboard.

“Is that…?”

“HO-LY-FUCK-ING-SHIT. That’s Royal Equestrian Imperia Vodka! That shit’s a legend!” Lyra’s mouth was agape at the large, gold-tinted bottle. “I’ve never heard of it leaving the castle. How did you get that!?”

“Well, I am a Princess, after all. I just… asked.” Twilight winked at you two and set the bottle down on the table. Lyra hopped up off the couch and power walked over to the counter.

“I take back what I said, Sparklebutt. You’re alright. Dibs!” Lyra snatched the bottle and magicked over a glass. Twilight gave you a harsh glare at Lyra’s use of her pet name.

You just shrugged and looked innocent.

“I think I’ll have that beer, now, Anon.”

“Let me tell you about pegasi, man. They’re fucking ASSHOLES,” Lyra slurred, sloshing the mixed drink in her hand. You nodded in agreement.

Several shot glasses, some more empty than others, sat on the coffee table as you all lounged around. You thought that you and Lyra had imbibed on a vast majority of the bottle of vodka, but when you got up to pour more into a shot glass, it still sat at the ¾ full mark. Deciding not to question it, you took another drink, but ended up spilling half of it down your shirt.

“Eheheh, fuckin’ Anon. That’s a paddlin’!” Lyra shouted, her mouth full of cookie.

“Shut the fuck up, mate. That was an accident,” you growled and tried to wipe off the booze. You heard Twilight chuckle.

“If Anon needs a paddling, could I do it?” She looked over her glasses at you, her eyes glassy from the vodka. You caught her look and felt a shift in your loins; the pony was practically willing your boner into existence with that look.

“No nigga, I want to do it! Anon has it coming!” Lyra tried to jump up out of her seat but stumbled over herself and ended up falling right back in her chair with a soft “oomph.”

“Look, neither of you are paddling me, alright?”

“... You could always paddle me instead, Anon. I’d prefer it that way, to be honest,” the Princess of Spankings said as she eyed you down, living up to her name.

Unf.

You grinned at the antics of your bros. “Let’s have a toast, yeah?”

“Oh hell -hic- yeah!” Lyra shouted at full volume as she reached for the nearest glass next to her. She held it up and looked at the two of you. “So what for?”

You thought about it long and hard (hehe), and then held your glass up. The ponies followed suit, and as you opened your mouth, a loud knock rang out from the door.

“WHO DAT?!” Lyra shouted and tossed herself out her seat towards the door as if she were a dog. Having more control of your body, you promptly followed her over to the door to supervise.

As the pony swung the door open, you were greeted with a roaring cascade of yuletide carols.

“WE WISH YOU A MERRY HEARTH’s WARMING, WE WISH YOU A MERRY HEARTH’S WARMING, WE WISH YOU A MERRY HEARTH’S WARMING, AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!” the carolers belted at you. You flinched at the noise, but Lyra had a gigantic grin on her face the entire time.

“OH BRING US SOME FIGGY PUDDING, OH BRING US SOME FIGGY PUDDING, OH BRING US SOME FIGGY PUDDING, OR WE’LL NEVER LEAVE!”

“ANON, DO WE HAVE FIGGY PUDDING!?” Lyra screamed at you.

“LYRA! I’m right here, you don’t need to shout!” you yelled, wiping the horse’s spit off your face.

“Oh yeah, hehe. Seriously nigga, do we got it?”

“No dude, they’re just singing.”

Lyra’s eyes went wide as some insane, drunken idea passed by her mind.

“Can we go caroling too, Anon?”

“Fuck.”

As it turned out, following the ponies around wasn’t as terrible of an idea as you had first thought. Some of them were pretty bro-tier, and you had even run into an old friend.

“Ayooo, Gary the Gay! What’s up, dude?”

“No it’s ‘Grey,’ Anon,” the earth pony chuckled under his scarf. “Hey, you guys warm enough?”

“Yeah nigga, we’re cool. I mean hot. You get it.” The pony nodded at you as the whole group shuffled their way over to the next house. Well, you and Lyra mostly stumbled; Twilight was doing her best to stay upright as well. Grey looked around before producing a flask from his coat pocket.

“This will help. Good old Applejack Daniels.” He handed the flask to you and you took it from him like the gift of life from God himself.

“So, what are you doing here?” you said as your stomach began to feel warm and tingly. You bypassed Lyra, who could barely reach for the flask, and handed it off to Twilight. “I thought you lived in Canterlot.”

“I do, but I always come visit Ponyville around Hearth’s Warming. It’s so quaint!”

“Right,” was all you managed as your alcohol-impaired mind got distracted as everyone halted at the next door.

The head pony, a prissy-ass stallion with a bright pink scarf, knocked on the door, and when the couple opened the door, everyone began belting out their lines.

“WE WISH YOU A MERRY HEARTH’S WARMING, WE WISH YOU A MERRY HEARTH’S WARMING, WE WISH YOU A MERRY HEARTH’S WARMING, AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

“Dude, this is fucking gay,” Lyra whispered at you over the break in music. You had to agree. You weren’t sure why, but somewhere along the line you had assumed there would be bitches and fame attached to going around singing gay chorus music to strangers who had to awkwardly stand in their doorway and force a smile.

Where had you gone so wrong?

Probably when you downed those five beers and seven shots earlier.

“Don’t worry homie, I got you on this next one.” You broke into a retarded, drunk smile. After all was said and done at that house, the whole group descended into the next one. As the head pony began to knock on the door, you stepped in. “Hey bro, I got this one. No worries.”

With a stiff lip, the skinny stallion eyed you harshly but nonetheless, bowed to you after realizing that you lifted. With a lopsided grin, you waved Lyra up to you, and she stumbled through the snow to join you.

“Madame, are you drunk?” the stallion scoffed at Lyra.

“Fuck yeah, man. You realize you’re supposed to go caroling drunk, right?” Before he could object, you knocked harshly on the door.

“Filthy Frank time, mah nigga,” you announced to nobody in particular.

The unicorn nodded to you as the door opened to reveal two weary-eyed parents and a handful of colts and fillies of varying ages.

“I LET THE BEAT DROP LIKE OLD PEOPLE WITH POLIO,” you began.

“That’s actually really fucked up…” you heard someone within the group comment.

“BITCHES CAN’T HANDLE MY SHIT,” Lyra and you sang together, “THEY GET REALLY EXCITED WHEN THEY SEE MY DICK. MY DICK PAYS RENT, AND MY DICK PAYS QUICK. SO I-”

That’s all the two of you could get out before the door was slammed on your party.

“What in the hay do you think you’re doing?!” the head bitch shouted at you, his face red hot. “What was that?!”

“Dude, did you really just say ‘What in the hay’? Unironically?’” You and Lyra began to burst into retarded laughter as the head pony just steamed in his anger.

“Get to the back and read from the lines. If you do that again, I’m kicking you out!”

“Whatever, cunt.” You shrugged before you went to the back of the group to rejoin Twilight and Grey. The stallion was so busy trying to muffle his laughter into his hoof that he dropped his flask in the snow.

“H-here. You deserve this.”

“Thanks, fam,” you said and took a large swig of the AJ Daniels. You handed back the flask and Grey finished it off in a few heavy gulps. He pulled the bottle away from his lips, panting heavily.

“Boy, you sure can swallow,” you remarked as you shuffled along with the rest of the group.

“Well, yeah. I am gay,” the pony replied with an odd look on his face.

“Damn it, it’s not fun if you’re actually gay!” Lyra groaned. Grey just chuckled.

“That’s what she said.”

“Nice meme,” you commented as you all stopped at the next house.

“Are we doing Pink Guy again, fam?” Lyra said to you, her eyes aglow from the christmas lights before you. You gave her the look and smiled stupidly.

“On my signal.”

“WE WISH YOU A MERRY HEARTH’S WARMING, WE WISH YOU A MERRY HEARTH’S WARMING, WE WISH YOU A MERRY HEARTH’S WARMING, AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

“OH-!”

“MY DICK DON’T STAND LIKE A FAT KID IN PE,” the two of you sang in perfect harmony, screaming at the top of your lungs, “THE ONLY TIME IT’S ACTIVE IS WHEN I’M IN THE BATHROOM PEEING. LIKE A NAZI WITH A BROKEN ARM I COULDN’T GET IT UP EVEN IF MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT.”

The head pony rounded on the two of you.

“GET THEM OUT OF HERE!” And like a congregation of gaily-adorned zombies, the rest of the caroling ponies turned on your party. You merely dodged as snow-covered hooves flung themselves at you and the angry group all shouted in unison.

“Shit, cheese it!” you shouted, and the four of you all booked it in the opposite direction. As the town faded from view, you found yourself in the middle of a long field, the forest a few yards away. Snow drifted quietly among you as you all panted and broke into drunken laughter.

“That guy was a tightwad anyways. C’mon, let’s go back home. I need some fucking christmas cookies and booze.”

As you all turned to go back into town, you noticed that Twilight wasn’t walking with you. You turned about and saw the pony staring into the forest.

“Yo, what’s up Sparklebutt?”

“I just remembered what you were missing at your place… we don’t have a Hearth’s Warming tree!”

“Oh shit, yeah. Christmas trees are important. Where else is Santa gonna stash all my sweet presents?” You stood in the falling snow and thought about it. “Okay, I got a plan. Lyra, find us an axe. Actually, scratch that, you’re a drunken shit right now. Gary, you get the axe. I’ll find us the best fucking Christmas tree ever.”

“What the fuck is Christmas?” Grey slurred as the group began their next drunken mission.

“YES. THIS IS OUR TARGET,” you screamed as you held your hands high in the air at the majestic specimen before you. A thick trunk rose high up in the dark and you could catch the glimmer of ornaments hanging among the branches.

“And it’s already decorated!” Lyra spoke up next to you.

“Gary,” you barked.

“Grey,” Grey corrected.

“My axe,” you demanded with an open palm.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to do it?” the stallion asked.

“No bro, I lift. Give the axe.” You gripped the wooden handle firmly in your grasp, and sized up where you would swing. You brought the axe back, and shouted aloud, “TAKE THIS! MY LOVE, MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION, AND ALL OF MY USED TISSUES!”

With a hearty swing, you brought the axe down in a fell swoop upon the trunk of the tree. In another motion, the axe shattered into pieces on the wood and you dove for cover as the broken handle flung in some unknown direction.

“SHIT” you heard someone cry in the distance as you buried your face in the snow.

“Yo, everyone aight?” You heard three voices call out an affirmative and you looked at the tree before you.

“Oh, wait a second, this is Twilight’s gay-ass tree,” you cackled as the realization hit you.

“Anon! What the heck?!” Twilight stuttered, but she couldn’t stay mad for long as she broke down into drunken laughter. “You asshole!”

“Whatever, cunt.” You shrugged and looked at your friends. “I’m fucking cold and wet and I need a drink. Fuck the tree.”

Everyone in your party nodded in agreement and you all headed back home.

“So, Twilight,” you said as you sloshed your drink at the pony, “explain to me how the fuck this present shit works if you don’t have a fat guy coming down a chimney?”

“Heheh... you said ‘coming…’”

“Shut the fuck up, Lyra, we’re being very serious here.” You threw a cookie at the horse and decked her upside the head, eliciting a squeal from your target.

“Well, according to legend, Starswirl the Bearded cast a spell upon Equestria so that his walking spirit roams the land on Hearth’s Warming Eve. He brings every pony something of their heart’s greatest desire. Sometimes, though, you may get something you never knew you needed. These are very special gifts.”

“So, let me get this straight...”

“Uh-huh.”

“An old dude with a big-ass beard-”

“Yes.”

“Breaks into people’s houses and leaves them shit-”

“Yeah.”

“And he does this the night before Christmas.”

“Hearth’s Warming.”

“Okay, this is retarded. You guys are just ripping off our holiday.”

“What?”

“Nigga, that’s exactly what Santa does! On Christmas!”

“What? What are you going on about, Anon?”

“Nevermind.” You pouted into your drink and grabbed another cookie. “Gay-ass holiday.”

“It sounds like someone has a case of being a grinch!” Grey giggled as he pointed a hoof at you. “You should lighten up, man. It’s not--”

The pony was cut off as you all looked up at the door. Someone was knocking, and you all looked at each other.

“I swear to fuck if it’s more carolers….” Lyra stumbled out of her chair and over to the door. Grabbing a large horse dildo that you had left out, she swung the door open and held the dildo over her head in a threatening manner, screeching, “WE DON’T WANT ANY!”

“Oh shit! I’m sorry, are we at the right place? Dude, this is like the fifth time we went to the wrong apartment. We’re looking for Anon-”

“AYOOO,” you shouted from your seat on the couch. “Come in, slut!”

As soon as you had shouted, you spotted as Vinyl peeked her head around the door and smiled at you. She turned back around, waved behind her, and promptly moseyed inside.

“Hey man, we made it, and just in time. We caught the last train going back to Ponyville. I brought my friends with me, I hope that’s okay.” You raised an eyebrow as a few mares began filing their way inside, shedding coats and scarves on the hanger by the door. You counted five mares, excluding Vinyl.

Before you could even begin spewing quotes from the Dark Knight Rises, Lyra spoke up. “Anon, who are these mares?” she asked coarsely as she raised an eyebrow.

“These are the orgy mares I was telling you about earlier.” Half the mares blushed or coughed awkwardly, but the rest merely giggled and found a seat with the group. “I told you to come, asshole. You missed a good party,” Vinyl said as she threw a punch at your shoulder and plopped herself next to you. She smelled heavily of weed and booze. Both Twilight and Lyra gave Vinyl a nasty look as she sat giggling next you, but you were too engrossed in the cookies in front of you to have noticed.

“Sorry bruh, but I had bros to attend to here. But now that you guys are here, we can all get smashed and celebrate!”

“Sounds like a plan to me! You still have some of that holiday beer?” Vinyl asked.

“Yeah bro. There’s a case left in the fridge, feel free to pass them out. There’s also--”

“Royal Equestrian! Holy shit!” you heard one of the mares shout as she found the bottle. “How did you get this?!” You nudged your head in Twilight’s direction.

“You can thank the Princess of Spankings here for that gift,” A handful of ponies chuckled as Twilight sat stone still, blushing profusely.

“Oh hey, Twilight,” Vinyl said, giving the mare a heavy look. She turned to her friends and said aloud, “This is the Princess I was telling you all about. She tastes pretty good!”

Twilight just turned deeper red as the other mares in the room giggled and laughed at her.

“I don’t know what you’re referring to,” Twilight said flatly.

“Oh, sure you do. Remember? Anon here basically fucked me raw while I ate you out back in Canterlot. And then you sucked his dick dry!”

“Alright, let’s take it down a notch,” you said to the laughing mare. “You’re drunk, bro.”

“So what? You all are, too. It’s Hearth’s Warming Eve. You’re supposed to be drunk!” Vinyl kept laughing away as her friends joined in. “Though I bet Princess Prude here hasn’t even drank a drop since then!” You were starting to get pissed at these silly ass bitches, and just as you were about to tell them all to shut the fuck up, Twilight jumped up off her chair.

“I’msorryIneedtogo,” she slurred as she ran into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

The wailing of drunken, laughing mares roared aloud and you had officially reached your limit with these bitches.

However, just as you were about to speak up again, Lyra walked over to you, a dead serious look on her face. As she rounded on you, you watched as she held her hoof out and struck out, pimp-slapping Vinyl. The aquamarine pimp slapped her so hard in the jaw that she fell off the couch and onto the ground in a spray of blood. Several screams and gasps resounded, as your dick hardened in response to the catfight.

“What the fuck, man!” Vinyl screeched as she tried to pick herself up off the floor. She put a hoof to her jaw and her eyes went wide as it came back covered in blood. “What the fuck?!”

“Get the fuck out, you fucking cunt. Get out!” Lyra shouted at the pony laying on the ground, raising her hoof again. “You fucking stoner piece of shit slut! Get out of my house!” Vinyl put up her hooves and stuttered.

“Y-yeah. Fine, wh-whatever, man. We’ll go.

She picked herself up off the ground and slunk over to the door, exiting without another word. Her friends filed out behind her, giving a mix of disparaging and angry looks at you and your bros. The last one left with a sharp crack as the door was slammed behind them.

“YOU FUCKED WITH THE RIGHT ONE, BITCH ASS NIGGAS!” Lyra shouted after them.

A heavy, awkward stillness hung over the three of you as Lyra stood shaking in pure anger.

“Er, I’ll go make sure Twi is okay,” Grey cut in and disappeared down the hall, leaving just you and Lyra alone in the empty living room.

“I guess it wouldn’t be a proper Christmas without some drunk bitches getting into a catfight,” you said with a chuckle, only to receive no response from your bro. “Yo…. y’allright?”

“I’m fine. That bitch had it coming.”

“Yeah. She was being a cock-juggling thundercunt. Thanks, bro. I was going to do something but you kind of stepped in. That was fucking awesome, by the way.” You grinned at your bro. “Best pimp slap I’ve seen in a long fucking time.”

“Thanks bro.” She giggled, before giving you a look. “So you really turned down a holiday orgy so you could hang with us, huh?”

“Of course! I couldn’t leave my bros alone on Christmas Eve. What the fuck kind of bro would I be?”

“That’s pretty cash of you, Anon.” She smiled at you, before motioning towards the back. “You should probably go check in on Twilight.”

You nodded. “Yeah… she took that pretty hard. I’ll be back, nigga.”

You popped up out of your seat and moseyed down the hall. You saw Grey exit the bathroom, closing the door slowly behind him. He shook his head as you approached him.

“How is she, Doc?”

“Uh, she’s better now. Cried her poor eyes out. You gonna talk to her?”

“Yeah, figured I should.”

The stallion nodded sternly at you and walked back down the hall.

“I need a beer,” you heard him say.

You knocked on the door and heard a sniffle.

“Y-yeah?”

“Yo, Twi. It’s Anon. Can I come in?”

“Uh, sure.”

Without hesitating, you pushed the door open and spotted the pony sitting curled up on the toilet. Eyeliner was smeared down her face and she had her glasses off, sitting next to her on the counter. Her hair was falling out of its bun and a grim look was on her face.

“Hey fam, how you feeling?”

“Terrible.” The pony bowed her head. When she lifted it back up, she looked at you with glistening eyes. “I can’t believe what she said.”

“Yeah, well. She’s a class-A cunt. Forget about her. Besides, she was also drunk.”

“That’s no excuse!” Twilight shouted, but quietly repeated, “That’s no excuse. I still feel terrible, regardless. What she said was true.”

You rubbed the back of your neck and rolled your eyes.

“Look, what happened that other night…”

“What about it?” She stared you down with a bloodshot eye. “We were drunk. That’s it.”

“Uh, yeah.”

“And there’s… there’s nothing between us. It was just a hook.”

“Hook up,” you corrected, privately touched at the mare’s naivete. “And yeah.”

An awkward pause hung over you two for a short time. Twilight sniffled again, and you walked up to her, taking a knee next to her.

“Hey. Forget what that dumb snatch said. You know what will make you feel better?”

“Hm?” Twilight said hoarsely.

“Taking a shit on her front porch.”

Twilight snickered at you. “Right.” The pony sighed and you watched her head bob up and down as her eyes fluttered open and closed.

“Hey, look. Let me put you to bed, okay? You want a piggyback ride?”

“A what?” Twilight’s ears pricked up

Without answering, you leaned over and grabbed the pony, putting her front hooves over your shoulders. With a small effort, you picked up the pony and carried her on your back to your room.

You plopped the pony into bed and lifted the covers up over her, tucking her in tightly. She sighed and dug herself deep into your pillow.

“G’night, Anon… I… love you,” Twilight mumbled into the pillow.

“Yeah, bro. Good night.”

After tucking Twilight in and telling Grey he could use your bed as well, you rejoined your aquamarine unicorn bro in the living room, flopping down on the couch beside her.

The fire crackled in the hearth and you felt the night starting to catch up with you. Lyra eventually took a deep breath and turned to you.

“I’m tired.”

“Yeah,” you replied, “me too.”

You leaned back into your couch and got comfy, letting out an exhausted yawn. With a content sigh, you folded your arms behind your head and closed your eyes.

?

You felt something warm and soft press against your chest. You opened your eyes and looked down, expecting to find Gary trying to get in your pants once again. However, much to your shock, you found Lyra leaning into you.

“Uh…” You flashed the mare a curious look. “What are you doing?”

She shot you an innocent look. “It’s cold…”

“You could just get a blanket or something, bro,” you pointed out.

“Well… maybe I don’t want a blanket…”

“This a bit hetero, man,” you commented.

She giggled oddly. “If I say no hetero, will you shut up?”

“I guess,” you responded with a shrug.

She pushed away from you slightly and leaned up. The hair on your neck stood up on end as your felt the mare’s hot breath brush against your ear.

“No hetero, dude… no hetero,” Lyra whispered into your ear softly, the tone of her voice sending shivers up your spinal cord. She grinned, before burying her face back into your chest.

As you wrapped an arm around your bro and shut your eyes once more, you found yourself feeling… strange. Something about the way Lyra said 'no hetero' made you feel… well, you weren’t exactly sure what you were feeling.

You sighed and decided to forget about it. You were too tired to think about it.

“Hey Anon?” the mare using you like a pillow asked.

“Hmm...?”

“Merry Hearth’s Warming… and thanks for spending it with me. I really appreciate it.”

“Don’t mention it, dude… anything for my bro…”

You heard your bro sigh contently as the two of you sat together. Only the sounds of the wind outside and the crackling of the fire could be heard as you drifted off to sleep, warm and drunk.