“OH YEAH, I’M WALKING ON SUNSHINE!” you declared to the world as you moonwalked blindly through the streets with your hands shoved down your pants, keeping your junk company, “WOAH OH!”

You had no clue where you were going. One moment you were enjoying a hearty breakfast of beer and Captain Crunch, and the next moment something deep inside you told you to moonwalk in a random direction.

Figuring this was the Fonz trying to lead you to a reward for your faithfulness to your bros, you decided to listen to your gut and start moonwalking.

“Anon?!” you heard a voice exclaim in shock from behind.

You turned around and noticed Sparklebutt grinning at you.

“Good, you’re right on time!” the princess said as she beamed at you, “Let’s get your friendship lesson started!”

“Shit.”

In your insane quest for what you assumed would be some top-tier booty, you had somehow ended up wandering into Twilight’s castle, and much to your usual shitty luck, you just happened to wander in when she had planned on the two of you meeting to discuss “feelings.”

You briefly wondered why the Fonz had forsaken you, but you put aside those thoughts, realizing you desperately needed to get out of this situation.

“Look, Sparklebutt, I appreciate the effort you’re giving here but I was kind of in the middle of something.”

“What do you mean?” Twilight asked with a slight smile on her face. “You arrived right on time for your appointment. I was pretty much convinced I would have to come and track you down to even get you near my place.” She waved a hoof to you and turned.

“What appointment?” you said as you followed her. Looking around, you admired all the trappings of the Princess’s castle. A little homo for your tastes, but you’d let it slide in the meantime. You raised an eyebrow as your eye caught the mare’s big bodacious booty bouncing bountifully before you. Just a little heft on top with a gradual taper through her thighs; the way she held up her tail seemed like it drew your eye in. Her tail bounced along, swishing lightly upon the inside of her thighs; that was just the cherry on top.

UNF

“Your friendship appointment, Anon.”

“Huh?”

“You made it, like, the second day you arrived here. It’s court appointed.”

“Cops trying to keep a nigga down, just because he’s brown!” you cried as you jumped onto a nearby couch.

Holy shit.

This is one comfy ass couch.

“Anon, you’re not remotely a shade of brown.”

“Check your privilege, shitlord!” you cried, trying to stifle a stupid giggle. Twilight just eyed you dangerously as she prepared her materials with the help of some magic.

“I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.” With a small nod, she magicked over a pair of glasses and tied her hair up in a tight bun.

You appreciated the mare’s new look with an abrupt tightening of your pants.

“U-unf” you said under your breath.

“What’s that, Anon?” Twilight said as she glanced at your over her glasses.

“Nothing,” you replied as you shifted your lower body deeper into the couch. “So, what am I supposed to be doing here?”

“The purpose of these appointments is to help ease your transition into life here in Equestria and supplement your friendship abilities.”

“That shit sounds like it came straight out of a book. Can you just give me a pamphlet or something and send me on my way?” You rolled your eyes. “I promise to make friends and shit.”

Twilight gritted her teeth and took a deep breath.

“No, Anon, it’s a little more complex than that. Unfortunately.”

“You say that like you don’t like being in my company.” You feigned a tone of mock hurt as you stared up at the ceiling. “Hey, you got anything to drink around here?”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it. And we’ll worry about refreshments later. Now, shall we get started?”

At this, you reached for your emergency flask, but found your pocket empty.

Fuck. This was going to be a long day.

“Yeah, sure. Whatever. Go ahead, bro.”

Clearing her throat, Twilight continued on.

“From what I’ve seen from your behavior, you seem to have difficulty taking into account others’ feelings in regards to your actions.”

“What? Fuck that shit, nigga. I care deeply for all my bros and treat them all like family. You’re just mad because I don’t go to your gay ass friendship sessions.”

“I rest my case. And I will bring up that time you drew, erm… Phallic symbols all over my body. In magical marker. Do you know how long it took me scrubbing to get that out of my fur, Anon?”

“Woah baby. I thought this session was about me, not you.”

“I was just giving an example. And I know you’re probably close with your ‘bros,’ but friendship extends past just people who are close to you.”

“Nigga whatchu talkin’ about? A bro doesn’t have to be someone who is close to you. Broship is a spiritual kinship. Me and my bros are as close as family, if not closer. You just wouldn’t understand because you have a giant black dildo stuck up your ass.”

“I do NOT! Anon, what the heck is wrong with you!?” Twilight shouted, her face burning red hot- from anger or embarrassment, you couldn’t tell. “Why do you have to say such stupid things?”

“Easy now, Sparklebutt,” you began, sitting up and throwing up your hand defensively, “you’re getting a little vulgar.”

“NO! I won’t calm down or chill out or whatever! I’m sick of you messing around with me and treating me like some kind of piece of meat to make fun of! It’s not funny, Anon.” As you looked over at her, her lip began to quiver before she gritted her teeth tightly. “The only thing you’ve done to me since you’ve been here is mock me in one way or the other. And I HATE it when you call me SPARKLEBUTT!”

She was on her hooves now, her hair falling in strands out of her bun and her teeth bared as her face burned bright red. With a small shift in your seat, you adjusted the fear boner that was amassing in your drawers.

You simply stared at the angered alicorn with a neutral expression, silent.

Several awkward minutes passed by before she finally opened her mouth.

‘Well!?” She shouted, breaking the silence.

You maintained your neutral expression, as you leaned forward and looked the princess straight in the eyes.

“Why do you hate me?” you inquired, your voice deadpan.

This threw the pony for a complete loop. Her jaw slackened slightly, and her stance went on the defensive.

“W-what do you mean?” She cocked an eyebrow high on her face at you, slightly skeptic.

“I meant what I asked, Sparklebutt. Why do you hate me?”

“What did I just say--!?”

“--It’s like, you force me into this shit using the fucking law, and then you just start yelling at me for no reason. I’m treating you like I would any bro, but instead of taking my words as words of endearment, you shrug them off and start treating me like shit. What’s your issue, dude?”

“I’m just… I’m just tired of the harsh words.” Twilight sat back in her seat, and took a large breath. “Where I come from, words of endearment are nice ones. You’re not supposed to insult people you care about.”

“That’s the point of broship, man. You’re supposed to insult the other person. Not because you dislike them, just because you know each other well enough for you to know it isn’t serious.”

“Well then you need to understand when you’re close enough to someone to do that with them. I barely know you, Anon, you need to be a little more, er..”

“Intimate?” you asked, moving your hand towards your crotch region. Twilight’s face blushed immediately.

“Yes. I mean, no, Anon, you know what I meant.”

“Fine. But you know what? You need to chill out. And I’m being serious,” you stated as Twilight began to open her mouth. “You freak out over every little thing. It’s extremely un-bro, nigga.”

Twilight paused, her mouth opening and closing a few times, trying to get out whatever was rolling around in her head.

“Fine. I’ll admit I can get a little uptight about things. But what did you have in mind?”

“A trade.”

“What trade?”

“Well, you want to teach me the ways of ‘friendship,’” you responded with air quotes, “and you clearly need to chill out. So how about this? You do your thing, and afterwards I teach you the magic of broship. That way everyone wins, I guess.”

“Hmm,” Twilight thought to herself, rubbing her chin with a hoof. “I suppose that works. Fine. It’s a deal.”

“Aw fuck yes. Let’s have a drink to celebrate!” You cried, hopping out of your chair.

“I don’t drink, Anon.”

"Yeah..." you flashed the mare a smirk, "that's subject to change."

After a handful of standard questions, you were starting to get bored. After Twilight finished yet another, you decided to speak your mind.

“Ugh can we move on from the boring questions? You sound like my old therapist.”

Twilight stopped abruptly and looked over her clipboard at you.

“Your old therapist? From where you came from?”

“Uh, yeah. The details are a little fuzzy, but I know I used to see a therapist back then. I can’t really remember exactly why, though.”

“Mhm, mhmm,” Twilight said as she scribbled furiously on her clipboard.

“You’re not nearly as gay as my old therapist, bro, I’ll give you that. Plus you got a nice ass, that always counts.”

“Anon. With the comments,” Twilight said sternly, but the slight blush on her face betrayed her private pleasure at your comment.

“Sorry bro, but your ass is really nice. I thought we were supposed to be honest in these sessions. We were in my last therapy session. All the female therapist’s I’ve had were hot. It’s weird bruh. I wish I could’ve fucked each and every one of them.”

“We’re getting off topic.” Twilight said flatly.

“Are we though? I thought I was supposed to speak my mind here.”

Twilight smirked at you.

“This isn’t a free association, we’re just trying to work on your friendship skills. Not your… copulation interests.”

“My what?”

“Copulation. Sex, anon.”

“Oh yeah. Sex is cool,” you said with a small chuckle at Twilight’s frustrated fidgeting.

“Right. So, is there anything you can tell me about what you remember before you got here? Anything at all?”

“Uhhh,” you went on, scratching your head.

You weren’t sure if it was the lack of booze in your system, but the time you spent before you arrived in Equestria was incredibly hazy. As you thought back into your past, you honestly found it difficult to recall what you did before you got here, or even why you ended up here.

“One thing I remember about my therapy sessions was I didn’t go there by my own choice.”

“Yeah, I can see that. You have an issue with authority, obviously. And schedules.”

“No, its not that, I knew you would just be boring.” You hollered and put your hand up to high-five the pony, but she didn’t budge. Smirking, you reclined back. “But seriously though, this was different. I remember there being some urgency in seeing these therapists. And something pushed me to go, something more than some lame ass court order. I think it was me, actually.” You felt your mind click, but a lot was still unclear. “I went because I knew it was good for me. It was right for me.”

Twilight was silent, save for a scribbling on parchment and the faint sparkle of magic.

You stared at the ceiling a few moments more, your mind wandering. Since you had been here, life had been way too much fun to even stop and think about how you had gotten here. What was the point of caring where you came from when where you were was perfect?

“Anon?” came a voice from somewhere in your dreaming.

“Huh?” you said lightly.

“You’ve been quiet for almost ten minutes. What are you thinking about?”

You sat for a moment and pondered what was really floating about your mind.

The answer was obvious, of course.

“The booty, baby,” you said as a wide grin split across your face.

You heard a rustle as Twilight changed her seating and pulled out fresh notes.

“Seriously.”

You scratched your chin as you pondered her question. “I uh... I really can’t remember. Honestly. It’s really fuzzy.”

You clutched at your head, a small flicker of concern in your gut, but it dissolved quickly as Twilight spoke up.

"It's weird, Sparklebutt," you grinned as you caught her frown at the uttering of her pet name, "I can't remember much of anything. Just very basic things like likes, dislikes, and my name, as well as vague memories of things, such as seeing a therapist."

You heard the sound of pen hitting paper as you went on. "...but I can't remember anything else. I can't remember any friends... any family... any bros... nothing. I'm sure my past life was pleasant enough... but I just can't remember much of anything, dude..."

Feels bad man.

“Don't worry about it, Anon. We’ll get it out of you in good time.”

With a wink at you, Twilight cracked a small smile as she glanced over her glasses.

You felt your pants tighten and mood lighten in response to her look.

“I think that’s a good start for now, Anon.” With a sparkle of magic, Twilight set her clipboard, papers, and glasses on the desk beside her chair. Another tug of magic undid the bun on her head and her hair fell freely and spilled down onto her shoulders.

Oh, fuck. That was your fetish.

“What?”

Oh shit, you just said that out loud. Deciding to roll with it, you shrugged.

“I like when girls let their hair down. Sue me, Sparklebutt.”

Twilight started up for a split second, but with a breath, sat back into her chair and looked calmly at you.

“So-"

"You know what?" you interupted the mare, "I take that back. You still look hot as fuck now, but God damn did that other look get my cock going."

The mare blinked, giving you a look that expressed... well, you weren't too sure, to be honest.

"Don't take it the wrong way, Sparklebutt, it was just-"

"No, it's fine," she said, bringing up a hoof to silence you, "So, what would you like to do for your friendship lesson, Anon?”

“Broship. Broship lesson,” you corrected.

“Broship lesson,” Twilight corrected herself. “So what would you like to do?”

“We’re going to get turnt the fuck up, bro.”

“Aww yiss,” came a voice from down the hall. You looked up over the edge of the couch you were lounged in and spotted the source of the voice.

“So, can I join you guys for some fun?” the tiny purple dinosaur asked as he plodded into the room.

“Aw hell yeah lil purple homie. You seem cool. You’re in.”

“Great!” he exclaimed joyously, his eyes lighting up. “Uh, what is getting turnt up again?” he asked, looking towards Twilight.

“WELL, YOU SEE LITTLE BOY, GETTING TURNT THE FUCK UP IS WHEN YOU-”

“Anon! Spike’s just a baby dragon! Watch your mouth around him. And no, he cannot come to some dirty bar with us. He has a bedtime.”

All you could do was groan aloud.

“Fine! Sorry lil purple homie, your big purple momma thinks you’re a lil purple bitch. But let it go down in the record that I, for one, supported you getting utterly wasted with us.” You put your hand over your heart and looked him deep in the eye. “Bros for life.”

“Fine,” Spike said, his demeanor souring and his attitude darkening. He kicked at the upturned corner of a nearby rug. “I guess I’ll just go be miserable and lonely, like always,” and he plodded away.

“CRAWLING IN MY SKIN,” you shouted after the dragon. “THESE WOUNDS, THEY WILL NOT HEAL.” Your singing broke down into retarded laughter and you caught your breath. Twilight just glared darkly at you.

“Be nice,” she said flatly.

“I’m just messing around. Be cool, miss pretty princess. Can we go now? I’m dying for a drink in my hand. The thirst is real, nigga.”

“So where’re we going?” Twilight asked as you both sauntered down the late-day Ponyville street.

Well, she was sauntering. You were more or less boogying down the road with the beat of Smooth Criminal in your head.

“This new bar in Canterlot. It opened about a week ago, I’ve heard good shit about it. Cheap drinks, too.”

“Oh, yes. Fantastic, just the thing for me.” Twilight rolled her eyes.

“You don’t gotta be such a buzzkill, lady. If you must know, it was apparently designed by some fancy builder. Piero or some shit.” You flicked the pony on her nose and cracked a smile.

“Well Anon, I’m surprised you even know the name!” Twilight grinned, despite the way she itched at the spot where you flicked her.

You shrugged.

“I just heard the name when I was looking up places to party on the ponynet. Sue me.”

“Well, regardless, Piero is a brilliant architect. Okay, now I’m excited to go visit this place.”

“That’s the spirit, Sparklebutt.” And before she could open her mouth to object, you slapped her square on the ass. She let out a loud yelp and blushed profusely as her wings ruffled rapidly.

You raised an eyebrow at the pony.

“You like that, huh?” A dark look passed across your face.

“N-no. It just caught me by surprise is all.” She moaned aloud once more as your hand found home. “St-stop it!”

“Oh, this is great. HEY EVERYONE,” you shouted aloud into the street. Several ponies turned towards you, a handful more ignored you; they knew better. “Princess Twilight Sparkle LIKES TO GET SPANKED!” you announced unabashedly into the public street.

Several colts snickered and a few mares gasped. You were chuckling to yourself, but your enjoyment was quickly removed as you turned around and watched as a hoof came colliding at supersonic speed towards your crotch.

“OOF,” you groaned as the princess hoofed you straight in the balls. “Low blow…. bro…” you managed through heavy pants. You grabbed at your sack as the wailing pain of a million souls echoed from your groin.

“We’re even now… bro.” She said as she cracked a smile at your suffering. All you could do was give a thumbs up at the pony as the world spun around in genital agony.

“Holy shit! There’s chicks everywhere here!” The ebbing pain in your balls seemed to vanish as you stepped inside and beheld the scene before you. The Canterlot bar seemed to have more of a nightclub feeling than just a place to get a drink, and the pulsating lights and deep techno beat added to this idea. The design of the building was pretty homo by your tastes, but as you scanned the sweeping architecture and jutting pillars, your eyes fell on the crown jewel.

“Aww yiss. Time for a drink.” Rubbing your hands together, you bounced over to the bar, admiring the booty that danced and walked around you. This place was great. As far as you could tell, the majority of the crowd was female, and all the dudes around here were hanging out amongst themselves in groups of four or five. As you walked up to the bar, you flagged down the bartender.

“So what’ll it be for you, hot stuff?” the stallion said with a heavy lisp. You recoiled a little, but kept your cool.

“Just a beer mac. Nothing fancy.”

“Oh but, fancy is just what I do. Could I maybe persuade you to take a look-see at the specialty drink menu? I’m sure there’s something I could make for you that you’d love, prince charming.”

“Nah bro. Just a beer, thanks.”

The stallion pouted at you.

“Oh come now. At least give it a once-over. For me, dear?”

“Fine,” you said, rolling your eyes. With a gleeful smile, the stallion magicked over a sequin-covered menu and left you with a wink. Rolling your eyes once more, you scanned the drinks and snickered as you went down the list.

“Jesus, these drinks all sound gay as hell,” you said aloud.

“I wouldn’t be using slurs around here, Anon,” Twilight said, as she pushed her way through the crowd up to you.

As you you finished chuckling at the “Super Duper Celestia Sunrise,” you looked up to ask why, but Twilight had already disappeared into the crowd. Whatever.

“So, has anything tickled your fancy, big guy?” the stallion said through a smile as he walked over to you.

“Sure. I’ll take a... ugh… Luna-Luna Moonshine.” You slapped the menu down on the counter and the stallion took it with a knowing nod, and turned about to mix up your drink. As you waited, you tapped your foot to the beat, and actually started feeling pretty good. There were a ton of mares dancing around, and a lot of them seemed pretty slutty. As if to confirm your suspicions, you spotted with an intense interest as two particularly good-looking mares began to kiss, hot and heavy. You cheered along with the rest of the crowd around the bar.

“Damn dude, this bar is great! You’ve got a ton of hot mares here!” you shouted to the bartender over the music as he handed you your drink.

The bartender started to snicker, and then as he looked you over, he laughed aloud.

“Oh, sweetheart…” Without another word, the unicorn left you alone with your drink. You shouted again with the crowd, swept up in the energy of the bar.

Once you had downed your moonshine (albeit the immense amount of sugar and blue food coloring it contained), you were feeling a strong buzz, and with it, an even stronger urge to dance your ass off.

As you enacted your sacred mating ritual, you scanned the crowd for a potential partner, which was pretty easy, since you had a good two feet on most of the ponies on the floor.

Fucking manlets, they'll never learn.

The moment you had your target in sight, you closed in for the kill.

Light blue fur and long, blonde curls was your first conquest. As you boogied your way up to her, you smiled.

“I’m gonna go ahead and dance here. If you want to pretend we’re dancing together, that’s cool with me.”

Your line was met with an incredibly dark look, however, and the mare promptly made her way across the dance floor opposite to where you were.

“Well, fuck my tits and call me Nancy. Wonder what was up her asshole.”

Never one to be dissuaded by a particularly bitchy female, you kept up the groove, and sauntered your way over two mares who seemed to be chatting a little as they danced.

“Ladies! Having a good time?” you said, smiling at the pair. “Can I interest either of you in a drink?” One mare, the taller and thicker of the two, grimaced at you. The other, smaller and thinner, smiled kindly.

“Sure, I’d love a drink.”

“Amelia!” The bigger mare said gruffly, nudging the smaller mare with an elbow.

“Er, we really need to go. But thank you for the offer, dear.” And with that, the pair walked off the dance floor and disappeared into the dark booths that lay on the other end of the club.

“Well what the fuck?” You were in disbelief. Was every mare here queen bitch? Deciding to say fuck it, you made your way back to the bar. A group of chattering stallion stood around, and the giggling intensified as you sat down at the counter. You felt a tap on your shoulder, and looked over.

A very buff stallion, his mane shaved short and with the tips dyed bright pink, smiled at you.

“Hey, can I get you a drink?”

“Aw, hell yeah bro. Thanks.”

Things were looking up for a nigga.

After the stallion handed you your drink, you took a sip, and couldn’t help but mire his definition.

“Lookin natty, bro. You work out?”

The pony blushed at the compliment. “Uh, yeah. You could call me a gym nut.”

“You browse /fit/ at all?”

“Do I what what?”

“N-nothing, nevermind,” you said, hiding your power level as you took another drink. It was sugary as hell, but the crisp bite at the end told you that it would get you fucked up just as well enough.

“So, are you from around here?” The stallion hopped up on the barstool next to you.

“Nah man, not from Canterlot. I live down in Ponyville.”

“Oh, how adorable!” the stallion said, thoroughly delighted. You raised an eyebrow as you sipped at your drink, but the flush of vodka in your system washed that weird doubt away.

“So what do you think about this bar? Looking around, I’m surprised there aren’t more dudes in this place, you know?”

The stallion sighed into his drink.

“Yeah, I know what you mean. It’s so hard to meet good stallions around here.”

“Right? Like where can a bro get a bro to bro down with around here, knowhatimsayin’?”

The stallion laughed at you.

“I like you, man. What’s your name?”

“Anonymous, but you can me Anon, bro,” you put your hand out, and the stallion took it.

“Grey Lakes. Friends call me Grey. Or Gay.” The stallion chuckled at his joke.

“Right. Nice to meet you, Gary.”

“Oh, the pleasure is all mine, sir. So are you here all alone, or…?”

“Oh, nah. I came with this purple hoe. Hey, here she is now. Sup, hoe?”

Twilight was unfazed by your insult, though, her eyes wide and dazzling in the light of the dance lights.

“The architecture here is incredible!”

Grey spat out his drink as Twilight walked up.

“You’re friends with the princess!?” he gasped. You shrugged off his astonishment.

“Yeah, she’s ok I guess. Princess of butthurt, more like.” You laughed at your joke, and at Twilight’s sour expression. “Oh lighten up. Let me get you a drink, yeah? Did you know they have a drink named after you?”

“Really? What is it?”

“The Sultry Spanker” You glared at her with a shiteating grin. You quickly got rid of it, though, as she raised a hoof menacingly. Putting your hands up, you quickly corrected yourself. “It’s called the Purple Princess Twist. Go ahead, try it. It’s on me.”

“Thanks. You know I don’t drink, though.” You rolled your eyes as Grey tsked loudly.

“Honey, that is horse shit. Why are you at a bar then?”

“Because Anon dragged me here, and I only went along with it because Piero designed the architecture for this place.”

“All I hear are excuses.” Grey said flatly, sipping his drink.

“Come on, dude. Its a drink named after you. And its free. You gotta at least try it.”

“I don’t know…”

“Would you do it if I offered to spank you?” The pony glared darkly at you once more.

“Anon’s teasing aside, you should try it. Life’s too short to not have fun, miss.” Without a reply, Grey turned around and asked the bartender for the drink. Just as quickly, the stallion had it whipped up and brought it over. Taking it in his hoof, Grey offered it to the princess. “I’ve never bought a princess a drink. Indulge me?”

“Do it you fucking pussy,” you prompted.

“Fine,” Twilight took the drink in her magic and took a little sip. “Hmm... fruity, with a tang of citrus. I can't even taste the alcohol, really, it’s--”

Before the mare could finish, you had shoved the glass back onto her lips, and she drank it down, eyes wide. Once the glass stood empty, you let up and cheered as the mare coughed and sputtered.

“Anon-! You little-!”

“Shh. Bartender! A round of vodka shots for my friends here!” Once the glasses were placed in front of you, you took yours and Twilights, and shoved one into her hoof. “Drink this.”

“What is-?”

“DRINK, PUSSY.”

Four shots and two magic bombs later, you had lounged yourself halfway across the bar, feeling blissfully numb. Twilight had broken off from the group, quoting only a “desire to get dancin’” as her reasoning. Grey sat next to you, a dumb smile on his face.

“Hey, Anon?”

“Yeah bro?”

“You uh, wanna get outta here, maybe go somewhere more private?”

“Uh. Nah dude, I’m good.” The stallion frowned into his drink.

“Anon, I want you.”

“Sup?”

“I want you, Anon.” The stallion put a hoof down, and slid it down your leg. In your drunken stupor, it took you a moment to figure out what the hell was going on.

“Woah bro,” you said, smacking his hoof away lazily, “I didn’t hear you say no homo.”

“Come on honey. I’ve never had a human dick in me before. Why don’t you fulfill my curiosity?”

You laughed stupidly, still not entirely aware that you were being heavily hit on by a drunk, gay stallion who was twice your weight.

“Nah bro, I don’t think so. I like a da pussy too much.”

Grey began to turn red, and slowly got angry.

“Then what the hell are you doing here if you’re not gay?”

“Huh?”

“This is a gay bar, you dumb ape.” Grey’s anger began boiling up, and he put his drink down firmly on the counter. “Why dont you take a fucking hint before you go around fucking up other pony’s nights?”

“Woah bro, I’m sorry,” you said, throwing your hands up. “I just came here to have a good time. There’s no gay scanner thingy you have to pass to get in the door, it's open to everyone. Its not like I led you on, either. You better fucking check yourself before you wreck yourself, bro.”

Grey just flared up more, grinding his teeth, but his anger seemed to boil over and sputter out.

“Er… Yeah. I’m sorry, Anon. You’re right, I was... being an asshole about it. Heh, guess I was just embarrassed I was so forward about my feelings towards you. Alcohol will do that to you…”

“We dont judge in the bro club, bro. You’re aight, even if you do like dick in your butt.”

“Right. Thanks, for being cool with it. I apologize, again.”

“S’all good, homey.” Your fistbump was interrupted as you heard gasps and shouts from the dance floor, though. “The fuck?”

Like the parting of the red sea, you witnessed as a load of mares backed up from a single dancer in shock and horror. As you looked up over the crowd, you watched the princess of spankings herself tear it up on the dance floor. Wings flapping, arms flailing, and tongue wagging, she played the part of a clinical seizure patient quite well.

“Uh, she always that good of a dancer?” Grey asked you.

“No idea. I’m sure the five or so shots didn’t help.”

“...You should probably go save her. Everypony is looking pretty pissed.”

“Yeah, I guess so.” And so, with drink in hand, you marched over to the flailing horse and made your best attempt to help your bro out.

“Yooooo. Twilight… Y’all right?” You sipped your drink nonchalantly.

Twilight might as well have been on the planet Uranus, as she continued her insane gyrations.

Heheh, anus.

“AYO, SPARKLEBUTT.”

“Ohhh heyyy Anon. You wanna… dance with... me?” Twilight hiccupped, her hair a mess in her face.

“Nah brah, I’m good. All these horses only like bumping bagels anyways, so I won’t even bother. Let’s take off, yeah?”

“B-but, the architecture, Anon-!” Twilight called as you dragged her away by the hoof. You saluted the mares around you lazily, your drink in hand. Dragging the half-limp, half-failing princess behind you, you made your way to the bathrooms to take a monster piss before you took off.

“Oh… Oh, Anon, you’re really strong.” Twilight murmured behind you. You glanced back at her as she ceased her resistance. Her eyes were glazed over, but they were unmistakably staring you down with a very carnal desire.

“Yeah, I lift, so what.” You were in dire need of a pisser, though. Marching up to the bathrooms, you threw Twilight into the mare’s room. “Go piss, I know you need to, and I don’t want to hear it on the way home.”

Ignoring Twilight’s whining, you hopped in the stallion’s room to take a leak of your own. As you let your flow go, you were pretty sure you heard moaning in the stall next to you. As if to confirm your suspicion, the wall of the next stall rattled and you heard the sound of two stallions grunting loudly.

There was also a hole in between you and the stall to your-

...a fully erect horse cock just poked through it.

That’s ok, you didn't need to piss that bad anyways.

Zipping up, you took off out of the bathrooms and stumbled into the dimly lit hallway when the door to the mare’s room opened. You expected Twilight, but what came out was even more of a wonder.

“Hey asshole!” you shouted at the mare. With a look of surprise, the pony lifted the glasses off her face and placed them on top of her horn.

“Oh, hey, Anon! Whats up dude!” Vinyl Scratch put out a hoof to bump, but you merely crossed your arms. “So uh, what are you doing here?” she said, taken slightly aback. “I didn’t know you liked dick. Heh heh.”

“I just came here to drink. What are you doing here?”

“Well, I just finished a set. I entertain here. Plus…” she said, eyeing a particularly well-endowed mare as she sauntered into the bathroom, “this place has great tail. For those nights when I feel like parting the velvet curtain. Knowhattamean?” She nudged you with a mischievous grin on her face.

“Yeah. Hey, look, I don't mean to be an asshole, but that date you set me and Big Mac up on-”

“Oh hey how’d that go? I haven’t heard from Octavia since then. You two give her a good dicking, make her forget how to write, eh, Anon?” Her eyebrows jumped up and down on her face.

“No, dude. She beat us unconscious with a fucking two by four, tied us up, and assaulted us with a chainsaw. That bitch is fucked up beyond all belief.”

“Holy shit, now that’s kinky. She outdid herself this time!”

“I’m being serious dude. She was trying to murder us.”

“Oh… OH. Oh, shit! I’m sorry man. Uh, I knew she was a little squirrely but I had no idea she was like, homicidal. I’m really sorry dude.” The pony’s look matched the weight in her voice.

“It’s okay, I got to chase her around with my dick. Made the entire experience worth it, to me at least. Constant nightmare and flashbacks aside.”

“Well, if I asked you to chase me around with your dick, would you believe me if I told you there would be no chainsaws involved?” She cocked an eyebrow as she bit subconsciously at her lip. “Just a lot of baby oil.”

“I don’t know if I’m inclined to believe you.”

“Well then, you dumb ape, why don’t you come back to my hotel and we’ll see if I’m telling the truth?” With that, she turned about and walked down the hall, her flanks bouncing as she whipped her tail at you.

By the mercy of the gods of Valhalla, your pants withheld the immense maelstrom of sexual tension that flowed underneath them.

“Uh, uhh, yeah.” You started after her, but remembered you had a drunk princess you were supposed to be taking care of. “Hold on, I have a friend I’m waiting on. She’s in the bathroom still I think.”

“Who is it?”

“Twilight Sparkle. We popped her alcohol cherry. She’s pretty fucked up, it’s great.”

“Twilight Sparkle? Hmm. Yeah, bring her too. I’ve never fucked a princess before.”

Top unf.

This night was going in all the right directions

“Do you like Huey Lewis and the News?” you asked as Vinyl made martinis in the nearby kitchenette.

“Uhh. What?” she asked, absentmindedly. Twilight was laying on her back on the couch, hoof rolling about in the air before her as she lazily sang a song you couldn't quite make out. Probably Funky Town or some shit.

“They’re early work was a bit, 'new wave' for my taste. When 'Sports' came out in ‘83, I think they really came into their own, commercially, and artistically," You waltzed into the bathroom, shoving the hotel soaps and conditioners into your pants pockets. “The whole album has a clear, crisp sound, and a new sheen of consummate professionalism that really gives the songs a big boost.”

“Uh huh,” Vinyl went on as you walked out.

“He’s been compared to Elvis Costello, but I think Huey has a far more bitter, cynical sense of humor.” You walked up right behind Twilight as she lay, still singing senselessly to herself.

“Dude, what the fuck are you going on about? You sound like you’re going to stab a fire axe in my back or something, you’re talking all crazy.”

You laughed to yourself.

“Naw nigga, I’m just messing around.”

“Right,” Vinyl said as she handed you your drink. She glanced at Twilight, “I think she’s done for tonight.”

“Yeahhh… She’s already drank a lot for a first timer. Pretty proud of her, I gotta say. I’m surprised she isn't a drooling mess.”

Vinyl pointed at her own horn.

“Unicorn magic, it does wonders.”

“Right. You should see my unicorn horn. It works wonders, too.” You smirked heavily and chuckled into your glass. Vinyl bounced an eyebrow up at your comment.

You walked up to the window, and looked down at the city street below you. Up in the hotel, everything seemed small and unimportant. The night-life of Canterlot buzzed past in a whirl of sparks and lights. It sort of reminded you of a city back where you came from, though the memory was foggy. You couldn't even remember the name of the place.

Speaking of back home…

“What about Phil Collins? You like Phil Collins?” You asked the two mares who sat on the couch across the room. Twilight had sat up and was wearing a goofy smile on her face. Vinyl was sipping at her martini.

“I’ve been a big Genesis fan, ever since their release of their 1980 album, Duke. Before that, I really didn’t understand any of their work. Too artsy. Too intellectual.” Finishing your drink, you set it down on a coffee table near you and began moseying your way towards the bedroom. “It was on Duke that, uh, Phil Collins’ presence became more prevalent. I think Invisible Touch is the group’s undisputed masterpiece.” With a come-hither wave of your finger, the two mares got up and followed you into the bedroom, albeit Twilight did more stumbling than walking.

Shit was going down.

“It’s an epic meditation on intangibility.” You sat down on the large bed and began to take your shoes off. Vinyl dragged a somewhat willing Twilight into the bed next to you.

“At the same time, it deepens and enriches the meaning of the proceeding three albums. Vinyl, take off your glasses.”

The mare complied dutifully and placed her signature glasses on the bedside table. As you stood up to take off your pants, you went on.

Holy shit, there’s a camera here. Nice.

Setting up the camera on its tripod, you looked through the viewfinder to line up the shot. Vinyl was on the right side of the bed, sitting patiently and waiting for you to finish your retarded speech, and Twilight was laying drunkenly on the opposite side of bed, her legs wide open.

“Listen to the brilliant ensemble playing of Banks, Collins and Rutherford. You can practically hear every nuance of every instrument. In terms of lyrical craftsmanship and sheer songwriting, this album hits a new peak of professionalism.” Looking through the camera’s lens, you felt like you were missing something.

“Vinyl, why don’t you, uh, dance a little?”

Realizing she was on film, the inner slut in her began to come out as she got up off the bed and began to move her body in a slow, seductive rhythm. Hips bouncing and flank moving, she was stirring up just the right level of sexy.

“Take the lyrics to ‘Land of Confusion.’ In this album, Phil Collins addresses the abuse of political authority. ‘In Too Deep’ is the most moving pop song of the 1980s, about monogamy and commitment. The song is extremely uplifting. The lyrics are as positive and affirmative as, uh, anything I’ve heard in rock.”

You walked up to a slowly sobering but still very intoxicated Twilight and smacked her on the ass. She giggled and squirmed, and you continued your assault. As she cried and moaned, she became more belligerent, until you smacked her square across the face. With a gaze of razor hot horny fury, she eyed you down and you smiled back at her, mouthing the word ‘slut.’

Walking back to the camera, you looked through the viewfinder to get your bearing.

“Twilight, get down on your knees so Vinyl can see your asshole.”

The good girl in her rejected this idea at first, but as both you and Vinyl gazed her down, her guard dropped out from under her and she obliged.

Ah peer pressure. It was truly a wonderful thing.

Climbing up on all fours, she kneeled on the bed and jutted her ass high into the air, twitching her tail slightly at Vinyl.

“Phil Collins’ solo career,” you went on, eliciting distracted stares from both mares, “seems to be more commercial, and therefore, more satisfying in a narrower way. Especially songs such as, ‘In the Air Tonight,’ and, uh, ‘Against All Odds.’”

As you turned to grab something from the kitchen, you realized both ponies were just staring at you; Twilight with her plump ass beckoning in midair, and Vinyl mid-dance.

“Vinyl, don’t just stare at it. Eat it,” you said, your tone dead serious as you indicated the prime ass before you with an open palm.

“Yes, sir. I thought you’d never ask…” the white unicorn murmured as she leapt straight onto the bed and buried her muzzle into Twilight’s nethers.

“I also think Phil Collins works best within the confines of the group, than as a solo artist. And I stress the word, ‘artist.’” As you helped yourself to another drink, you plugged in your phone to the shitty hotel sound system and turned up the volume.

“This is ‘Sussudio,’ a great, great song,” you said as you disposed of your shirt and boxers in one fell motion. “And a personal favorite.”

As your soldier stood at full attention, you mired the fantastic scene before you:

Twilight had been forced down and was laying on her back, wings splayed out underneath her haphazardly. Her legs were wide open, held wider than was normal by Vinyl’s overpowering grip. The princess squirmed, moaned, and hiccupped as the white unicorn buried her muzzle into her snatch; you couldn’t see anything between her legs except for a wild mane and a white horn bobbing up and down.

As Twilight screamed and grappled at Vinyl’s mane to push her face in deeper, you traced your gaze down the white unicorn’s back and finally rested your gaze on the prize:

Long, supple curves gave way from a tight midsection and widened into the peak of a very, very succulent ass. A tight asshole and a bright pink and very moist pussy were just the cherry on top.

“Hot damn,” you breathed as you subconsciously man-handled your member.

“Are you gonna fuck it, or what?”

You refocused and wondered where the voice had come from. As you looked up, you realized the demand had come from Twilight. She was giving you the heaviest bedroom eyes you’d ever seen, and a swift throb to your dong overpowered your will. Her gaze followed you as you marched to the two ponies and to the prime pussy that was beckoning you.

You hopped on the bed and eyed up your challenge. Grabbing your dick in your hand, you ran the bottom of your shaft along the outside of Vinyl’s lips and, satisfied that your dick was wet enough, proceeded to slide in.

God damn, she was wet.

As you sheathed your cock, the unicorn broke her muff dive and groaned as you stuck it in, inch by inch.

“Fuck!” you both said in almost perfect unison as you hit balls deep in the mare. She was tight.

“Fuck-! Me-!” Vinyl screamed as she tried to continue her oral assault all the while you hit her cunt like a jackhammer.

As you railed on dat ass, you remembered the camera you had set up earlier. With a broad smile, you glanced up at it and pointed towards the lens. Giving it a wink, you kept up your movements and made faces at the camera. You flexed and made poses as the two mares in front of you moaned and cried out.

So distracted by your shenanigans, you accidentally slipped out. With half a thought, you grabbed your cock and shoved it back in place, but something felt off.

“Ah-AH!” Vinyl screeched. “Wrong… hole…” she said between pants.

“Whoops,” you said, slowing down your thrusts.

“I didn’t say... stop…” the mare muttered into Twilight’s pussy.

UNF

Picking your speed back up, you drove your cock in and out of Vinyl’s tight asshole, enjoying the particularly fantastic tightness it offered.

“Fuck, that feels amazing,” you muttered under your breath.

“Oh yeah? I can do things with my ass you wouldn’t believe!” Vinyl cried out, shooting you a dangerous look.

Oh fuck.

“LETS GET DANGEROUS!” you proclaimed as you went full H.A.M. on her ass.

Dangerzone.exe activated

As you kept going at it, you felt her lift away from you. Before you knew what was happening, she began to drive her flanks back and forth on your cock, until her ass was riding you. All the while, you could feel as she tensed up muscles that stroked and massaged your cock while she rode you.

“Jesus fucking Christ, are you a robot or something?” were the only words that came out of your dumbfounded, blood-lost mind. You’re pretty sure you were beginning to drool, as well. Vinyl merely giggled girlishly to herself. Her thrusts began to slow, but the force increased until you eventually felt her push you back. Giving in, you laid down on your back, keeping your dick in the pony as she rose to come on top of you.

Once you were fully situated on your back, you watched as the mare rode you reverse-cowgirl, her ass bouncing on your dick before you.

“Come here, pet.” Vinyl said to Twilight.

Fuck, the dominant girl routine really turned you on.

You heard the sheets shift as Twilight picked herself up to come over to you two. As Vinyl bounced slowly up and down on your dick, you saw through her legs between thrusts as Twilight’s face got close to your crotch.

“Suck his balls, whore.”

“Yes ma’am.”

As Vinyl quickened her pace, you felt a warm, wet sensation on your lower nethers and you moaned as the overwhelming sensation overtook you. Grabbing at the unicorn’s waist, you took control and began driving her deeper and harder onto your throbbing cock.

“Eat my- p-pussy, p-princess!” Vinyl screamed as you mercilessly fucked her asshole. You watched with a devilish smile as Vinyl grabbed a hesitant Twilight’s head and smashed the princess’s muzzle into the her dripping wet cunt.

You could feel Vinyl getting closer and closer to climax as her cries ascended higher and higher. Her asshole tightened and flexed around your cock, and as Twilight drunkenly slobbered all over her clit, Vinyl finally came in a crescendo of piercing screams and grunts and moans, and her horn glowed blue and flickered with small sparks. Her body shuddered as she slowed on your cock until she finally came to a full stop, balls deep on you. Her asshole clenched and loosened in reflexive relaxation.

Her breath picked up suddenly and she panted heavily: the pony seemed to wake up out of her stupor, and she gingerly rolled off of your dick. She then promptly dropped, exhausted, on the foot of the bed. A long string of sticky sex juice still clung from the tip of your dick to her asshole.

Fucking noice.

After a few moments of collective, heavy panting and sighing, you sat up to go clean yourself up before the next round of fun began. Just as you had begun to start moving, though, Vinyl jumped up and faced you.

“Where do you think you’re going?” she hissed under her breath, placing a firm hoof on your chest to push you back down.

“I was uh, getting a towel to go-” you began, but the words were lost on you as the unicorn began bobbing on your cock. “Ohh, okayyy…”

“You’re not going… anywhere. Not until… I thank you for that proper ass fuck,” Vinyl muttered between sucks. You really couldn’t argue with that logic as you watched the unicorn slurp away at your member.

As you looked past, you saw Twilight watching intently at what was going on before her, her head propped up on her hooves and a curious look in her eye. Vinyl noticed your gaze, and pulled off your cock. A few fat strands of spit trailed off your head from her lips.

“Why don’t you come suck this big, fat, cock, princess? You’ve been staring at it all night.”

“Euh, well, I mean... I would. That is, I uh... hehe,” Twilight drunkenly slurred as she rolled a little bit under the mare’s gaze. “I uh. Uhmmm…” She trailed off, her face flushing hot and red.

“Oh my god...” Vinyl breathed.

“You’ve never sucked a cock before, have you!?” you belted out, laughing. “Fucking hell, Sparklebutt.”

Twilight’s face soured; it was followed by a grimace, and then a determined look.

“Fuck -hic- you, Anon.”

Vinyl rolled her eyes.

“Look, princess, this cock ain’t gonna suck itself. So get busy.” And with that, Vinyl sat up and tugged at Twilight’s mane, forcing her face right into your throbbing cock.

“Ahh! F-fine.” Hesitating for a moment, she stuck a curious tongue out and caressed the tip of your dick, "Hmm... interesting taste. A bit salty, but-"

“Suck it, bitch!” Vinyl shouted, and with a very callous push, she shoved your dick straight into Twilight’s mouth as she choked and gagged. The pony hesitated for a moment, but the high levels of alcohol and an incredibly lowered inhibition pushed her on. Twilight began to bob up and down on your dick, and though she was a beginner, she was a quick learner. Soon, she was sucking and licking like a pro as you laid in ecstasy.

While Twilight bobbed away, Vinyl climbed up on you and laid her pussy on your face as she helped Twilight suck you off in an impromptu 69 position. As you ate out the unicorn, you could feel yourself getting closer and closer to coming while each pony switched off between one another.

As you buried your tongue in Vinyl’s snatch, the pony’s mouths drove you further and further towards a spiraling orgasm. Finally, you couldn’t take it anymore, and with an exasperated shout, you cried out.

Barriers broke and you felt your hot seed pump into a warm mouth; you couldn’t tell which, and it didn’t matter. As the last of your cum flowed out of you, a warm, tingling sensation overtook your body and the world came spiraling back into existence.

As Vinyl climbed off of you, you looked up to see Twilight’s mouth still around your softening cock, her cheeks bulging. She looked up to meet your gaze, her eyes burning with an erotic passion. In one fell move, she lifted her head and swallowed every last drop of your cum.

Licking her lips, she smiled sheepishly at you.

“That was…. delicious, Anon.”

And with that, she promptly passed out, drunk.

“Fucking lightweight,” Vinyl laughed, and hopped off the bed, disappearing into the bathroom. You heard the shower turn on.

Looking directly at the camera, you gave it a thumbs up.

“I think that’s a wrap.”

Author's Notes:

No voting this time around, Christmas chapter soon.