Your eyes flickered open as you awoke the next morning, the events of the last couple days but a distant memory after the copious amounts of vodka that you ingested with your bro and landlord the previous day.

You briefly wondered if you scored last night, but a quick investigation of your bed revealed no hot MILFs, just a lightly snoring aquamarine unicorn.

You played around with the idea that maybe you scored with Lyra, but quickly banished those thoughts. You weren’t supposed to lie with your bro, that’s just not how shit worked. Besides, you technically couldn’t score with your bro, as it’d just be considered an extreme case of bromance, like a brojob.

Choo choo.

You sat up and took a sip from a flat beer that was sitting on your nightstand, before you tossed off the covers and rolled out of your bed.

...only for you to slip on a discarded bottle of vodka and fall on your face like the fucking idiot you are.

“Nice one, Anon,” you heard Lyra comment from above, likely being woken up by you falling out of bed like a retard.

“I totally fucking did that on purpose,” you responded from the floor, before you jumped up to your feet. The world spun around you in a wash of cheap distilled liquor and sleep deprivation.

You burped a little and straightened up.

“Classy,” Lyra said, a discerning eyebrow raised high on her face. Her hair was mussed and her eyes a little bloodshot.

“Hey uh, bro…”

“Yeah, Anon?”

“Did we, uh, you know. Do the horizontal tango last night?” You took a sip from your beer.

“Uhmm no. You wish, loser,” Lyra giggled a little and made a raspberry at you.

“Cunt,” you muttered into your beer.

“Asshole,” she fired back, a playful smirk on her face.

“Bitch.”

“Pussy ass.”

“Cock-juggling thunder cunt.”

“Super faggot.”

“Shut the fuck up. If I didn’t rail your nasty ratchet ass last night, tell me I at least got to go balls-deep in my hot as fuck landlord.”

Lyra laughed aloud, and rolled off the bed.

“I’m not telling,” she waltzed out, flank bouncing seductively as she vacated the room.

“FUCK,” you cried, throwing your empty can across the room in anger.

Seeing your bro had left your room, you wandered into your bathroom. You stretched out, brushed your teeth with vodka, and downed a swig of toothpaste-

Wait, you done goofed.

After spitting out the mouthful of toothpaste, you went to work brushing your teeth like somebody who isn’t a complete fuck-up.

As you maintained your dental hygiene, the bathroom door flung open, and in waltzed Lyra with a spring in her trot.

“Sup cunt?” you inquired through the foam spilling out of your mouth.

“Sup faggot?”

“You’re looking awfully chipper for somebody who should be hungover,” you commented as you spat into the sink, “what’s up?”

“Well, if you must know,” she responded with a singsong voice, “I just heard from the weed dude, and he said he was willing to throw in a little extra today.”

You raised a brow at the mare as you turned the shower on. “Weed dude? Don’t you mean the weed man… or the weed stallion?” As the bathroom filled with steam, you dropped your boxers and hopped into the shower.

“Nah, he prefers to be called the weed ‘dude’, or just The Dude when he’s off the clock. Oh, and he’s a minotaur, not a pony,” Lyra responded as she hopped into the shower behind you. She glanced down at your groin region, “by the way, nice cock brah.”

“Thanks bro,” you responded, not paying attention as you let the water wash away both your hangover and the weekend’s grunge. You paused as you realized what was happening and gave the mare a curious glance, “Yo, what the fuck. Why are you getting in the shower with me?”

The mare froze up.

“I… uh…”

You raised a brow at her behavior.

“...I want to help save money on the water bill?”

To anyone else it would’ve been obvious that she just pull that excuse out of her ass.

Luckily for Lyra, you’re a bit of a dipshit.

“Ah. Thanks bro!” you said happily.

Shit was looking up for a nigga.

“Ain’t nothin’ but a G thang, brah,” the mare responded, waving off your thanks, “though… I do have a favor to ask of you.”

“Shoot nigga, anything for my bro.”

“Can you hand me the Apple Spice?”

“Sure,” you responded as you reached over the pony to grab it off the high shelf in the other corner of the shower, "by the way, this isn’t hetero, right?”

“Nope!” she responded, shaking her head, “no hetero.”

“Cool,” you said, before shooting her a questioning glance, “so are we actually ripping off the Big Lebowski?”

“Come on brah, it’s a minotaur based off The Dude,” she said with a smirk, “I doubt anyone would care about something as awesome as that. Besides, The Dude showed up as a pony in the show, remember?”

“You make some good points, bro.”

“I know I do, brah,” she said with a grin, “but yeah, I’m pretty excited, I haven’t gotten a good blaze in a long time.”

“Four twenty blaze it yolo” you said as you flicked Lyra on the nose.

You didn’t really give a fuck, smoking wasn’t your thing anyways. But you figured you could get a good laugh out of watching Lyra get baked out of her dome.

“This shit is good though, Purple Magic.”

“If I wanted purple magic I’d go over to Twilight’s house, ya stoner.”

“Please anon, I’m not even anything close to a stoner. I just smoke every once in a while.”

You rolled your eyes as you remembered the shitload of pot leaf-covered clothes and bongs she had back at her place.

“That’s what they all say, nigga.”

You grabbed the bottle, but your hands were wet and slippery. The bottle slipped out of your grip and dropped to the floor.

“Shit,” you said and bent down to reach for it.

Just as you had grabbed for it, you felt a hoof smack your ass.

!

“OW FUCK!” you exclaimed in shock as you jumped due to the spook it gave you, “The fuck bro?”

Lyra was tearing up trying to hold her laughter in.

“SHOW YOUR CRACK, GET WHACKED!” she burst out finally.

"YOU BITCH! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!"

After a few moments of retarded laughing, she wiped the tears off her eyes and smiled. “Sorry bro, I had to. Golden opportunity.”

“Right,” you muttered, “Here’s your fuckin soap.”

“DON’T DROP DA SOAP, NIGGA”, you heard Bill Cosby’s advice to you ring through your head as you rubbed your pained ass.

You should have listened to his wisdom.

“Uh, Anon, do you have a loofah in here?” Lyra asked, shaking you out of your thoughts as she grabbed the bottle from out of your hand with the use of her telekinesis.

“A what?” you said as you rinsed the soap off your face.

“A loofah. A rubby thingy. A washcloth? Something?”

“Hold on.”

You leapt out of the shower and opened up a cabinet, reaching inside to grab something.

You pulled your arm out, and produced a large, floppy dildo.

“...”

“...”

“...dafuq, brah?”

“Hey, mare’s love toys, bro.”

She rolled her eyes. “Do you have anything that I could use to wash myself?”

You shook the dildo before her with a giant smile.

“...that isn’t a sex toy?”

“Nah. I have my hands, bro. I use them,” you said as you hopped back into the shower.

Lyra sighed, looking dour. Her face lit up, though almost instantly.

“Anon?”

“Yes?” you said, rinsing the soap off your upper body.

“Could you…. wash me?”

She gave you bedroom eyes and wiggled her rump seductively. Raising an eyebrow, she bit her lip as she eyed you down.

You shrugged and put down the razor you were about to use.

“Sure homie,” you responded, before commenting with a smirk, “you know bro, this is pretty fucking hetero.”

“Oh shut up,” she said, laughing a little to herself out of embarassment.

She turned all the way around, and magicked the bottle into your hands. As you reached for it, you made sure to grip it tightly this time. With a squeeze, you dribbled the sweet sweet nectar of the Gods onto your bros back and mane. Putting the bottle back in its spot, you started lathering the Apple Spice up into her coat, starting at her shoulders.

“That good?” you asked after a little while; you had already reached down to her hips

“Oh… yes, that feels wonderful.”

“Cool,” you said absentmindedly. You were so busy thinking about what you were going to do today that you hadn’t even noticed that Lyra’s reply had ended with a low moan. As your distant thoughts drifted to ideas of the booty and what bar you were going to probably get kicked out of tonight, your leg nudged up against Lyra’s marehood.

She let out a startled, high-pitched yelp in response.

“Whoops. My bad. What the fuck was that noise, dude?” you laughed at the mare’s outburst. Lyra merely blushed heavily.

“N-nothing. You’re not done yet, dont stop.”

“Right,” you said, starting to get bored. As you finished off the valley of her hips, you peaked and began on her flank. Smirking, you came up with an idea.

“Hey bro?”

“Y-yeah Anon?”

“REVENGE ASS SLAP!” you shouted at the top of your lungs, and cocking your hand back, proceeded to open-hand slap the pony ass right in front of you. Before she could even voice objection, your hand collided with her right buttcheek with a loud crack, and Lyra jumped a foot straight up in the air with a screech.

“ANON, YOU FUCK! GET THE FUCK OUT!”

“But this is my bathroom-”

Before you knew what had happened, you were shoved out of the room and the bathroom door was slammed behind you.

Before you could turn around and force the door open, you heard the door lock.

“Fuck you, bro! How you gonna do a nigga like that?” you shouted as you banged on the door. There was no response your errant knocking, so with a flip of the bird to the door, you prowled around your room for an old towel to dry off with.

After drying off and tossing on some undergarments, you decided to say fuck it and just play some vidya games.

Half an hour later, Lyra emerged in a swirl of steam from the bathroom, looking refreshed.

You looked over to the mare with a grunt.

“‘Joint showers to save water’ my ass. You’re paying my next water bill, bitch.”

“Anon, you get all your money from the government…” she pointed out.

“Oh yeah,” you said, clicking absentmindedly on your controller. “Oh baby, a triple!” you exclaimed as the little shits playing on the other team cried and cursed as your grenade killed them all.

“Nice brah. So what’s on the agenda for today, dude?” Lyra said, flopping down on the end of the bed.

“I was planning to fill condoms up with mayo and throw them at ponies in the town center, then blame it on that one retarded pegasus who fucked up my package last week,” you responded casually, taking a swig from a nearby handle of vodka.

She gave you a look.

“I was about to go out to meet up with the weed dude. You wanna join?”

You tossed your Xbox controller out a window, which exploded off camera, and turned to face her. “I would love to go meet the weed dude with you.”

She grinned. “Cool. Just don’t mention anything about his rug.”

“Why?”

“He’s very emotional about it.”

After downing a few shots and chowing down on a nutritious breakfast of slightly burnt strawberry poptarts, you backflipped into your room to put some clothes on.

“I’m gonna stylin’ on bitches today!” you declare to yourself.

You tossed some faded jeans and your nice scorpion jacket, a jacket that immediately made it’s wearer a real human bean and a real hero.

You examined yourself with a mirror.

“I’m missing something… Ah!”

You retreated back into the closet and grabbed your pair of GAR glasses. You donned the oversized orange, triangle shaped sunglasses, before examining yourself in the mirror once more.

"I'll be back," you said with your best Arnold impersonation, before flashing the mirror the double thumbs up. You were ready to be seen in public.

You promptly left your room and marched into your living room, where your aquamarine unicorn bro was kicking back on your couch, dicking around with an unnecessarily floppy dildo.

...where the fuck did she get that dildo from?

You shook away these thoughts and ignored the dildo as you presented yourself to the mare, striking a heroic pose before her.

“Yo homie, check me out! Do I look fresh, or what?” you inquired.

Lyra turned her attention away from the dildo and glanced your way.

She immediately broke out into laughter.

“Dear Celestia, you look like the autistic lovechild of the anime and television boards of Ponychan!” she managed to get out through her hyena-like laughter.

“Fuck you bitch, I’m stylin’ on your ass.”

“Whatever you say, man. Whatever you say.”

She hopped up from the couch and threw the dildo to the floor (which subsequently exploded), before approaching the front door.

“Let’s go get some fucking weed,” she said.

“Bitchin’.”

She threw open the door and the two of you burst out of it, you looking like a real human bean and a real hero, while Lyra…

She wasn’t wearing anything as usual.

l-lewd

The two of you strutted your stuff through Ponyville, earning the ire of those who were jealous of your swag.

“They see me rollin’,” you sang.

“They hatin’,” Lyra sang along with you with a grin as she picked up on what you were doing.

“Patrolling they tryin’ to catch me ridin’.”

“Tryin’ to catch me ridin’ dirty,” the two of you sang together, “tryin’ to catch me ridin’ dirty, tryin’-”

“HEY!” somebody called out.

You stopped dead in your tracks and immediately looked towards the source of the interruption, expecting some punk ass hater to be standing there eagerly awaiting an ass whooping.

There stood a brown, long haired minotaur, sporting a pretty kickass pair of shades and a brown bathrobe.

“Nice shades, man.”

“Thanks bro,” you responded as your mood did a complete 180. You flashed the minotaur a thumbs up, which he returned with gusto.

Clearly, this guy was a pretty cool guy.

“So, broski, you have my grass?” Lyra asked the minotaur after glancing around the area a few times.

“What grass?”

“The weed, Dude.”

“Oh yeah… yeah man, I got it.”

The minotaur produced a baggie, and handed off to the unicorn as Lyra produced a small sack of bits. Both parties were content, and tucked away their little treasures.

“Always a pleasure, Dude.”

“Yeah man, nice seeing ya.”

“Peace, Dude.”

As you walked away from the meetup, Lyra practically hopped next to you as you began to make your way back towards her place.

“Uh, bro?”

“Yeah, Anon?”

“You do realize MJ isn’t illegal in Equestria. Like, there’s dispensaries everywhere around here. Why don’t you just go there?”

“Because you gotta support your local entrepreneur, you know what I’m saying brah?” Lyra gave you a look which you got all too often, “And besides. The weed dude throws in a lil extra sometimes. Lame ass dispensaries don’t.”

“Right,” you said, not giving a fuck as you watched a particularly big-bootied mare bounce her way past the two of you.

Unf. Dat ass.

Having procured Lyra’s Mary Jane, the two of you made your way back to her apartment with a skip in your step. You were really looking forward to watching her trip balls and lose her-

?

“Yo nigga, I thought we were going to your place?” you asked with a raised brow as you realized the two of you were standing outside your apartment.

The aquamarine mare shot you a confused glance. “What are you talking about, man? We’re roomies.”

“Since when?”

“Since, like, forever man. For some fucking reason, you always seem to forget this.”

“But in the last chapter-”

“Nobody cares, us being roomies is cool,” she cut you off with a stern look.

You shrugged it off. “Whatever, as long as my shit doesn’t smell like skunk when you’re done.”

She rolled her eyes at your comment as she opened the door and trotted inside, her grin growing exponentially larger the closer she got to her much sought after high.

“Dude, you have no idea how long it’s been since I toked,” she exclaimed happily as she tossed her weed on the counter and began digging around in the cabinets.

You assumed she was looking for a needle or something along those lines to inject her marijuana with.

“For someone who’s supposedly not a stoner, you seem pretty excited,” you commented with a smirk, “you’re like me when I haven’t had access to booze in an hour.”

“Shush,” she hushed you, “your near crippling addiction to alcohol doesn’t even begin to compare to me smoking weed once in a while.”

“Yeah, well, that’s just, like, your opinion, man,” you retorted with a pout.

She ignored you and continued to dig through the cabinets for whatever the hell she was looking for. You shrugged and plopped down on the couch

“Shit!”

“What?”

“I’m out of cigar paper…”

“So?” you raised a brow, “can’t you just eat it bro?”

“Yeah, but I don’t have brownie mix. Do you?” she inquired.

“Of course I have some, bro. Bitches love brownies,” you hopped up from the couch and moonwalked your way into the kitchen. You did a spin, grabbed your crotch, and grabbed a box of brownie mix out of your stash.

...while you’re at it, you grabbed some vodka as well. Good for soul.

You tossed your bro the box of brownie mix, twisted the lid off your handle of Smirnoff, and drank down a mouthful of the stuff.

...you didn’t know what Smirnoff was doing in Equestria, but you were very happy you could get your hands on it here.

“Uh… Anon? How do I make this?”

“Read the instructions, retard. Git gud,” you said, your mouth filled with straight 40 proof vodka.

“Aight dude, thanks,” Lyra said as she flashed you a big grin.

“No problem man, anything for my bro,” you said as your reached over and gave her a quick scratch behind the ears. Bitches love ear scratches. Especially Lyra.

“Do you want some?” she inquired as she pushed into your hand, prompting you to scratch harder.

“Nah man, just do a homie a favor and cook me a separate batch,” you responded as you pulled your hand away, much to her disappointment. “I’m gonna play the vidya, come get me when you’re done so I can laugh at your ass when you’re losing your fucking mind.”

“You don’t exactly understand stoners, do you?”

“So you admit! Fucking knew I was right.”

Lyra let out a small giggle. “Fuck you, brah, go play your vidya.”

“DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!”

You flipped the aquamarine unicorn the bird, grabbed your vodka, did a 360, and then moonwalked into the bedroom.

After what seemed like forever, you finally grew tired of waiting for your bro and turned off your Xbox, before you made your way out of the bedroom.

!

Shit, almost forgot.

You returned to your bedroom momentarily and grabbed your trusty handle of vodka, before vacating it once more.

Shutting the door behind you, you walked into the living room and stood in the center, your thumbs laid upon your belt to show that you were the one in charge.

“Where’s my brownies, bitch?!” you demanded.

You heard a chuckle emanate from the nearby couch. You glanced towards the source of the chuckle to find Lyra kicking back on the couch, two empty trays filled with brownie crumbs sitting on the coffee table.

“BITCH, DID YOU EAT MY BROWNIES?!”

She lazily looked up at you with reddened, glazed over eyes. “Huh...?”

“I said... BITCH! DID YOU EAT MY FUCKING BROWNIES!?” you repeated yourself.

“...yeah man…”

“BROOOOOOOOOO!”

“...hmm?”

“WHY’D YOU DO IT?!”

She shrugged. “Dunno… felt like it, man.”

“NOT COOL BRO, NOT FUCKING COOL!”

You angrily stomped your way into the bitch and grabbed two six packs of beer from the fridge, before you made your way to the front door.

“I’m going out, try not to eat anymore of my shit.”

“...k…”

Knock…

Knock…

Knock…

You stood at the front of the Apple family homestead, your two six packs sitting on the ground beside you, awaiting a response from the home’s inhabitants.

After a minute or so of you tapping on the door, there was still no response.

Fuck.

In a desperate effort to find someone to bro down with who wasn’t stoned out of their mind, you stepped up your knocking game, slamming on the door with all your might.

[knocking intensifies]

“Anon, what are ya doin’?” you heard a voice asked you.

You turned towards the source of the voice, and found little Applebloom staring up at you with an inquisitive look.

“Knocking, of course. What’s up little homie?” you inquired.

“Oh, ya know, kid stuff,” she responded casually.

“Cool, cool,” you said, before raising a brow at her, “say, are you old enough to drink?”

“Ah’m like nine, Anon.”

“Fuck. Then could you tell Big Mac to get his ass down here so he can chug these six packs with me?”

“Ah’d love to, Anon, but he’s bedridden. He’s got a severe case of the blues,” she answered, an amused grin spreading across her face as she said this.

“God dammit,” you said as you absorbed this news, “whatever, I’m going to go chill in the orchard. Peace out little nigga.”

“Later Anon,” she answered, before she wandered off.

You grabbed your six packs, did a 720, and began to make your way towards Sweet Apple Acres extensive apple orchard, intent on drinking yourself into a coma.

“Uh… Anon?”

Your eyes flickered open as you were awoken by the soft sound of Applejack’s Southern drawl, your vision being dominated by her concerned face.

Honestly, not a bad way to wake up, even with your head pounding from a massive hangover.

“Yo?” you responded, before you flashed the mare a questioning glance, “did we fuck or something?”

She chuckled as she smirked at you. “Nah, ya haven’t wined and dined me nearly enough.”

“Oh.”

Fuck.

You shook off your sleep, and after glancing about, you found yourself leaning against an apple tree in the middle of Sweet Apple Acres.

“Huh,” you muttered out, before turning your attention back to your bro’s big booty-toting sister.

“What are ya doin’ out here, sugarcube?” she asked.

“I’m on the hunt for Dio Brando, obviously,” you responded as if this was common knowledge.

“Huh?” she cocked her head in confusion.

“WHERE IS DIO?! WHAT IS DIO’S POWER?!” you demanded from the orange earth pony.

“Uh huh,” she cracked a smile at your crazed ramblings and gazed past you, spotting a collection of empty beer bottles, “Don’t ya think it’s a little early to be drinking, Anon?”

“I like to get an early start,” you responded casually, as if you weren’t a severe alcoholic.

The mare rolled her eyes. “Ya need help.”

“Hey man, I don’t judge your crippling addiction to apples and apples accessories, so don’t hate nigga,” you said as you willed your collection of beer bottles out of existence and rose up from the ground.

“Don’t ya be talkin’ smack bout’ muh apples!”

“Damn, you really do have an apple problem. You should consider going to rehab,” you brought your hand up to your chin and scratched it in thought as you said this, “...could you even get into rehab for an addiction to apples? I wonder…”

The mare flashed you an annoyed look.

“...tough crowd.”

Applejack slugged you on the shoulder. “Apples are nothing to joke about, Anon.”

“Apples are very serious business,” you said with a sagely nod.

She ignored your attempts at busting her lady balls. “All jokes aside, Ah’m glad you’re here. Ya got anything going on tonight?”

“Oh my, are you asking me out, Miss Applejack?”

She snickered. “Just answer the question.”

“Well, I WAS planning to walk around town with my balls hanging out and express to everybody I run into about how ballin’ I am, but I’m sure I can make some room in my very busy schedule to do something with you.”

A grin spread across her face. “In that case, Ah have a huge favor to ask ya.”

“I am the bone of your sword.”

“Ah beg your pardon?”

“Nothing, continue.”

“Well, Ah need to deliver a cart of apple pies ta Canterlot for some festival, but Ah need somebody to go with me, and Big Mac or any of the girls are available at the moment. Seeing how yer here and all, Ah figure ya could lend me a hoof… or hand, Ah guess.”

“HMMMMMMMM,” you hmmed as you scratched your chin as you thought this over, “I would say yes, but I don’t exactly work for free. You’re going to have to contact Hot Pocket-san if you want somebody to do it for free.”

“Heh, no worries Anon, ya will be rewarded handsomely for yer help.”

“Hoofjob?”

“If ya can get me drunk enough, sugarcube,” she responded with a chuckle, “nah, Ah was thinking more like we could hit up the festival and Ah could pay for the booze.”

Your eyes lit up like you were a child in a candy store, or a janitor inside a 7-11 with free Hot Pockets. “FUCK YEAH BRO! FREE BOOZE IS BEST BOOZE!”

Applejack smiled at your reaction. “Ah assume that means yer on board?”

“Of course!”

“Glad ta hear it! Now let’s go load up the apples and we can hit the road.”

“Awesome. Dibs on being in charge of music.”

“Anon, Ah know ya said ya were in charge of music, but can ya please-”

“SHUT UP BITCH, THIS SHIT’S MY JAM!” you declared as turned up your tunes to MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE, causing your generic smartphone to blast out the hit song, “Nigga Nigga Nigga”.

“Nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga,” you sang along with a big grin on your face, “I’m 100 percent nigga.”

You noticed AJ wasn’t singing along with you, and was staring at you with an unamused look.

“Fine… excuse me for trying to brighten up this boring as hell trip,” you said with a sigh.

“Ah have no problem with music or singing along, but if we’re gonna do it, we gotta do it right,” Applejack chided.

“What are you talking about?” you demanded as you stopped in your tracks and turned towards her, “‘Nigga Nigga Nigga’ is a classic that defines a generation of innocent youths who didn’ do nuffin’. How could you not like it?”

Fuck, you really wished you had Lyra with you right now.

“It’s just not-”

“P-por favor señor y señorita, could you two please stop arguing?” a third voice grunted out, interrupting the two of you.

“Shut up Pablo!” the two of you shouted at the Cuban midget in unison.

“Ay Dios mío…” he grumbled under his breath, before he went back to focusing on pulling Applejack’s apple cart along.

“Why’d you even bring me if you were gonna have fucking Pavlo carry the load?” you asked as the two of you continued walking, “I thought I was gonna get some sweet gains out of this while you sat back and mired them.”

“Thanks for noticing-”

“Shut the fuck up manlet,” you grunted.

“Well, three reasons actually. One, Ah need somepony- somebody in your case, to keep me company on the hike. It’s a long way to Canterlot, as Ah’m sure ya know.”

“But you have me-”

“Ya don’t count,” she interrupted the Cuban.

“Shut the hell up Pablo, you’re out of your element,” you threw in.

He dropped his head and stared at the ground like the beta he was.

You’d feel like a dick, but manlets aren’t people, so it’s okay.

“Now, where were we before we were rudely interrupted?”

“Two, yer a pretty cool guy, so Ah figured it’d be nice to do somethin’ together,” she continued.

“Well, I already knew that, as nobody can resist my charm,” you said with a cocky smirk, “What’s the third reason?”

“The third reason is Ah need a hot piece of ass to accompany me to the festival,” she responded, returning your smirk.

“So this is a date?” you teased.

“Ah guess ya could say so,” she responded to your teasing with a giggle.

“For tree fiddy I can write and illustrate a doujin about the two of you,” the cuban midget offered.

“Shut up Pablo,” AJ shut him down.

“Yeah Pablo, shut up,” you displayed your dominance to the manlet as you utilized your maxed out stealth skill to slip him your contact info without your companion noticing.

A doujin about you and Applejack sounded so fucking cash.

“Speaking of that Anon,” the mare interrupted your self-insert doujin fantasies, “Ah have another favor to ask of ya.”

“You want to team up and collab on a doujin, huh? I gotta be honest, that sounds pretty sick, but I’m much too lazy and incompetent to-”

“Ah’m not talking about that, Ah was talking about what ya said about dates.”

“Oh, okay. Continue,” you said as you gave her your full attention.

“Ya see, Ah have this ex up in Canterlot who’s kinda creepy,” the mare looked rather unnerved as she spoke, “Any time Ah end up in Canterlot she’ll always be followin’ me round making this really creepy noise and never leavin’ me-”

“Wait, hold up, she? You mean like a chick?”

“Yeah.”

“So you’re a lesbian?” you inquired, your hopes and dreams of conquering that booty fading.

“Nah, it was just a phase for the most part, though Ah don’t see anything wrong with a lil’ bump and grind,” she responded with a shrug.

“Noice…” you said, your hopes and dream about da booty not only returning, but intensifying.

“Noice,” Pablo said, only to shut up after receiving an angered glare from you.

“Noice,” said two passing stallions.

“Noice,” said the talking raccoon sitting at the side of the road.

“Noice,” you said again so you could be the center of attention again, “so what were you saying?”

“Uh… anyways, Big Mac normally joins me, but the events of last weekend left him bedridden with a serious case of the blues-”

“Yeah, same thing happened to me,” you interrupted her as you rubbed your aching balls, “but you don’t see me staying in bed and opting out of helping you out... though it’s mainly because that booty game is off the hook.”

The mare gave you an annoyed look.

“Shit, totally didn’t mean to say that last part, I must still be shitfaced… you have an amazing ass, by the way.”

Her annoyed look turned into a grin as she took in your compliment. “Years of apple bucking and kick boxing do give a mare some nice tone.”

“You don’t need to tell me twice. I’m pretty sure that ass is tight enough to bounce a quarter off of…”

You paused as you thought over an idea that popped up in your head. “Hey… make sure to stay away from me if I’m drunk and have quarters on hand.”

“But aren’t ya always drunk?”

“...good point. Okay, avoid me if I have quarters in my inventory.”

“Okay Anon, Ah’ll keep that in mind,” she stated with an amused grin, “anyways, since Big Mac isn’t here, Ah need you to take his place.”

“Well, wasn’t me hanging out with you already the plan? And what does this have to do with dates?”

“Hush sugarcube,” she shushed you, “Ah was just gettin’ to that.”

“Alright… so what’s the next step of your master plan?”

“Well.. Twilight suggested that if Ah show up to Canterlot with a coltfriend, it might scare off my ex, or even help her move on.”

“Uh huh…”

“So… uh…” the orange mare chuckled awkwardly and rubbed the back of her neck, “Ah kinda need ya to pretend to be my coltfriend. Since yer the only one Ah can really trust with this… and yer really the only guy who’s probably even available anyways.”

Ouch.

“Don’t worry, I can pretend to be your bae… and more, but that comes later.”

“Ah don’t really have anything to pay ya with, besides paying for booze and the inn that we will very likely crashing at this evening. Ya okay with that?”

You gave her a look. “You’re asking me if I’m okay with free booze and having a big booty-toting mare hanging on my arm all day long when all I really have to do is be there and be me? Even if you’re just pretending, it’s still a pretty sweet deal. I’d have to be gay to say no.”

She gave you a hopeful look. “So ya will do it?”

“What do you think?” you asked rhetorically, “So this is like that one episode of Space Dandy, right?”

“H-huh?”

“Nothing. I’m in.”

“Great! But Ah do have to lay down a few ground rules, though.”

“Fuck you, I don’t do rules. Rules keep a nigga down, stop oppressing me.”

“Anon…”

“Fuck, fine. But I’m not happy about it.”

“First off, no kissing.”

“Shit, I thought you wanted this to be believable,” you gave the mare a look.

“Ah know, and it will be, but we gotta have boundaries, Anon. We’re only pretending, ya know?”

“Me? Boundaries? Surely you jest.”

“Nah, Ah’m completely serious. And don’t call me Shirley.”

“AYE YI YI!” the two of you heard Pablo cry. You turned around to see the midget on the ground, writhing in pain with his back bent backwards at an unnatural angle.

“Dear Celestia!” Applejack cried out in shock as she took this in, “Get up Pablo, Ah don’t pay ya to lie around the job.”

“But señorita, my back! I think I broke my back!”

Manlets, they never learn.

“That’s it, no Subway for ya!” she said, only to be responded to with cries of pain, sorrow, and agony, before turning towards you, “Anon, ya mind getting this for me? I’ll give Pablo’s Subway.”

“No, please senor! Don’t take my Subway!” he begged of you.

You ignored him, because manlets aren’t people.

“Yeah nigga, I can help you out. I need to make up for all the gains this cardio is killing anyways,” you said as you kicked the writhing Cuban aside and took the cart, “glutes for the sloots.”

Unbeknownst to the two of you, something lurked in the nearby forest, watching as the two of you left the crippled manlet behind and continued along the path

“Jiiiiiiiiiiiiii~”

After the death of many gains, you and the orange earth pony who accompanied you finally wandered into Canterlot around sunset.

You paused, taking a moment to take in the city and it’s sights, as well as it’s fashionably dressed citizens. The streets and buildings were decorated with a myriad of bright and colorful decorations for the festival. The castle that towered over the city was decorated in a similar fashion as well, and-

“This is so fucking gay,” you commented, interrupting the narrator.

“Cheer up, Anon,” Applejack spoke up, slugging you in the shoulder, “there’s plenty of booze round these parts, especially during the festivals.”

“Alrighty then,” you did your best Ace Ventura impression as your eyes lit up with childish glee, “booze when?”

“Booze soon,” she promised as she turned towards the apple cart you were dragging around, “Ah just need to drop off these apples and we’ll be good to go.”

“FUCK YEAH, GET HYPED NIGGA!” you cheered, earning you glares from the nearby nobles.

Like you gave a fuck.

Applejack grinned at your stupidity, before she looked about in an attempt to figure out where the two of you were going.

!

There she was, watching the two of you from a nearby alley. A white mare with a long mane that was clearly dyed pink, obscured by the shadows.

“Jiiiiiiiiiiiiii~” she jii’d as she watched the two of you intently from her obvious hiding spot.

The orange mare shrunk back and clung onto you, much to your surprise.

“You wanna get some dinner first?” you joked unknowingly, looking down at her with a smirk.

“Now’s not the time for kiddin’ round, Anon…” she muttered, motioning over to the alley. You looked where she was motioning, and spotted the stalker hidden in the shadows.

“Jiiiiiiiiiiiiiii~”

You immediately felt unnerved upon hearing the universal chant of a yandere.

A yandere was a whole level of crazy that was even too crazy for you. Yet, for some reason, a lot of your fellow /a/utists actually fantasized about having a yandere follower.

Fucking retards.

Ignoring the stalker bitch, you turned back to Applejack, who looked like she was about to have a panic attack.

“Don’t worry about it, she’s harmless,” you said as you slung your arm around the mare.

That was a lie, of course. Anyone who knew anything about yandere knew they were emotionally unstable.

They also had a tendency to snap and try to kill the object of their obsession.

“Come on, let’s go drop these apples off and do something,” you urged her.

“Okay…”

After the two of your dropped off the apples, you made your way towards the castle, where much of festivities were taking place. Shit was very gay, to be frank, but with a booty like the one accompanying you and a very large amount of booze in your system, you were sure you would be able to enjoy yourself.

You fetched a couple overpriced beers from a vendor and walked over to your companion, who still appeared to be unnerved by the earlier incident.

“You cool, nigga?” you inquired as you handed the second beer over to her.

“Yeah, Ah’m just peachy, Anon,” she responded, snatching the bottle away from you.

“That’s a lie, isn’t it?” you took a seat on a nearby unoccupied bench and took a sip of your beer.

“Gee, how’d ya figure that one out?” she plopped down beside you and took a large drink from her bottle.

“Male intuition, I guess,” you said with a shrug, “just relax, man. Drink some booze and have some fun, that’s why we’re here, right?”

She answered your question by taking another large drink from her beer.

“Honestly Anon, the only reason why Ah agreed to stick around for the festival is for ya. Ah owe ya free booze, after all.”

“As much as I appreciate the thought, you look pretty shitty right now. I don’t mind heading back to Ponyville and hitting up Salty’s instead.”

The mare shook her head. “Nah, it’s too late now. Bandits travel the roads at night, so unless ya wanna end up stabbed in back, ya best hunker down for the night.”

“Fuck that bro, I can take some fucking bandits!” you declared as you flexed and showed off your gains, “WHAT ARE YA GONNA DO WHEN THE HULKSTER RUNS WILD ON YOU?!”

Applejack cracked a smile for the first time since you guys arrived in Canterlot. “Yeah, and Ah imagine with my kickboxing experience, we’d be a force to be reckoned with.”

“Especially with legs like those,” you motioned to her large, muscular rear legs with a growl, “I’d hate to be on the receiving end of those. I don’t imagine I’d get up again after taking a hit from them.”

A small giggle escaped AJ’s lips. “Shucks Anon, yer gonna make me blush.”

ALPHA MODE, ACTIVATE.

“You look cute as fuck when you blush.”

You noticed Applejack’s orange cheeks turn slightly pink as you said this.

“Anon… Ah… uh… heh…”

Aw fuck, you left this bitch speechless.

“What?”

She blinked, before looking off to the side with an intensifying blush. “Nothing, forget Ah said anything.”

The mare took a drink from her beer and leaned back against the bench with a content sigh. “Ah’m sorry about being a bit of a buzzkill, Anon. Ah should really be trying to enjoy myself, not having a panic attack over some crazy ex. It’s not like Ah get much time to have fun anyways, what with the farm and all...”

“Make the time, then,” you said, “life can’t be all work and no play. You gotta get down and party, nigga.”

“Easier said than done,” she responded.

“Bullshit man,” you spat out, “Big Mac can handle some extra work. Hell, I can work more if it’d make a difference.”

“Ya would?”

You nodded. “I have a moral obligation to help my bros out, and considering you’re pretty bro-tier, I guess you qualify. Even if that means taking a break from being me and working for once.”

Before you could react, you felt a pair of hooves tightly wrap around your midsection.

“Yer a sweetheart, ya know that?” she said, looking at you with a sheepish smile.

“I have my moments,” you said, before you returned the embrace.

…?

“Hey Anon… what’s that poking into my stomach…?”

“Don’t worry, it won’t bite. Not much, at least.”

“...ya have teeth down there…?”

You were about to tell the mare how silly that would be, but you were rudely interrupted by the last thing you wanted to hear.

“Jiiiiiiiiiiiiiii~”

God fucking dammit.

Applejack’s eyes widened as she also picked up on this, holding you tighter out of fear.

It’d be adorable, if it wasn’t for the fact she was crushing your fucking ribcage.

You shot your head towards the source of the noise, and spotted Applejack’s crazy ex standing just a mere couple feet away from you, a crazed look in her eyes.

Well shit.

“Get off of her…” she growled.

“Go fuck yourself, you bitch ass nigga,” you responded, squeezing the mare currently crashing your ribs even tighter, “this here’s my waifu. There are many like her, but this one is mine. Get your own.”

Wordlessly, the mare slowly began to stalk towards the two of you, that crazed look in her eyes growing worse by the second.

“Applejack, let go of me,” you ordered.

“No…”

“Please?”

She shook her head.

…

Fuck.

You rose up from your seat, the orange mare still clinging onto you, and presented yourself to your challenger.

The yandere grinned as she took you in.

“So the hairless ape doesn’t want to fuck off?” she inquired, before a maniacal chuckle escaped her lips, “Don’t worry my love, when I dispose of this insolent dog we can be together! Forever~”

You felt the pair of hooves that were crushing your ribs loosen their grip and detach as AJ separated from you. The mare looked over the crazed mare just feet away from you, then glanced up to you worriedly.

“Anon, Ah-”

“Don’t about it, I got this,” you interrupted her, “I have a foolproof plan on how to stop this bitch.”

“Oh? And what is your master plan?” you heard the yandere inquire, “Let me guess... you're going to kiss her in hopes it will drive me to insanity or something, right? Hah! That only worked in Space Dandy, that won’t work in real life.”

“No, my master plan is to- wait, you watch Space Dandy?”

“Of course, who doesn’t watch Space Dandy?”

“I know, right? It’s fucking amazing.”

“It’s truly the best little girl chinese cartoon out there.”

...

“...we’re getting off topic.”

“Agreed.”

You cleared your throat. “To answer your question, no, my plan isn’t to kiss Applejack. No... that comes later.”

You began to walk towards the yandere as your cracked your knuckles. “No, my master plan is much simpler... I’m just gonna smack the shit out of your ratchet ass.”

The crazed mare scoffed. “You think that you can beat me? Bitch, I’ll rip out your fucking throat and then feast on your bones. Today, you’re going to fucking die! Do you hear me?! You’re going to fucking-”

You had enough of this bitch.

You jumped up into the air, brought your knees up to your chest, and kicked out with all your strength. Your two feet made contact with the mare’s chest, the devastating blow sending the mare flying.

She landed a dozen feet or so away from you and collapsed as she impacted the ground. She groaned in pain, clutching her chest, before she sat up and stared at you. A mix of fear and shock was displayed on her face.

“W-what the f-fuck?!” she stammered out.

You began to approach the fallen yandere. “OH YEAH! LOOK AT YOU! YOU WERE POPPIN’ ALL THAT GOOD SHIT A SECOND AGO!”

“S-stay back!” she cried as she began to back away from you.

“THEN YOU GOT KICKED IN YOUR CHEST! YOU BITCH ASS NIGGA!”

The mare clambered up to her hooves, before she began to turn tail and run.

“NOT SO FAST, NIGGA!” you shouted as you grabbed her by the tail. You pulled her up the tail into the air and held her at eye level.

“P-please don’t hurt me!” she begged, “I’ll do anything!”

“Anything?!” you bellowed.

She shook her head violently in agreement.

You stared into the mare’s frightened eyes. “Don’t you ever, ever, EVER fuck with my waifu ever again. Or I’ll come back here and slap you silly. We clear?”

“C-crystal!”

“Good,” you said as you dropped the mare. She fell on her rump, looked up at you once, before she got up to her hooves and fled for her life.

“THAT’S RIGHT, YOU BETTER RUN! BITCH ASS NIGGA!” you shouted after her.

Boy, you sure loved nigga moments.

Wait, can you even have a nigga moment with a horse when you’re white?

You shrugged off this fact, since you generally didn’t give a shit. Besides, there were more pressing matters at hand.

Seeing that the yandere was now gone, you turned around and began making your way back to Applejack.

“I don’t think she’ll be fucking with you anymore,” you stated to the orange mare.

“Yeah… but did ya have to be so rough?” she inquired with a raised brow.

“You don’t understand nigga moments, do you?”

“Nah, not really.”

“All you need to know that wouldn’t have went down any other way,” you said as you patted the mare on the head reassuringly, “Although… I suppose maybe she was bluffing and maybe kissing you might’ve worked.”

“W-what?!” she stammered out in response, her cheeks turning a rosy shade of red.

“Oh nothing~” you responded in a singsong voice, “come on, you owe me some booze.”

As you tried to coax the mare into following you, you noticed that your antics how drawn quite the crowd.

“Huh…”

You eyed the large crowd that surrounded the two of you.

“Dafuq ya’ll looking at?!” you shouted at them.

Immediately after you open your mouth, a group of Royal Guards broke through the crowd and marched towards you.

“Freeze! You’re under arrest!” the lead guard declared.

“What?! What the fuck for?!”

“Aggravated assault and disturbing the peace.”

“Oh... well fuck me sideways...” you muttered, before you were tackled by a couple of Royal Guards.

After Applejack and a few other witnesses explained the situation to the guards, you were let off with a slap on the wrist.

Fuck the police, always trying to put a nigga down.

After being brutally oppressed by THE MAN, the two of you decided to say fuck it and head to the inn Applejack made reservations at.

“Ah’m gonna go take a shower, Anon,” your companion told you as two of you entered your room.

“Aight nigga, you have fun with that.”

As she made her way into the bathroom, you fell backwards onto your room’s bed with a sigh, majorly bummed you weren’t able to drink yourself into a coma like you assumed you would’ve been able to.

Life fucking blows sometimes.

Oh well, at least you got to spend time with the booty of your dreams. Big booty always makes shit better.

You shrugged. You guessed today was an acceptable day.

You reached for your emergency flask, as you felt a major need for a drink. The night wasn’t over yet, so-

!

“WHAT THE FUCK?!”

YOUR EMERGENCY FLASK WAS GONE.

You desperately began to pat yourself down, hoping that perhaps you placed it in a different pocket other than the usual one like a fucking retard, but found nothing but a few quarters.

...why the fuck do you have quarters in your pocket?

WAIT, THAT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER BECAUSE YOUR BOOZE IS MISSING.

“OH FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUG!” you exclaimed, before you dived off the bed, hoping that you may have dropped the flask somewhere on the floor.

While you were crawling around on your hands and knees in a desperate attempt to find your lost booze, Applejack wandered out of the bathroom.

She spotted you crawling around on the ground, looking under basically everything that was movable for your missing item.

“Ya… uh… ya looking for somethin’ pardner?” she inquired, perplexed by what she was seeing.

You shot your head up and looked at the mare as soon as you picked up her voice.

“Why is the rum gone?” you asked her.

“Huh?”

“The rum! Why is the rum gone?!”

Applejack watched on as you went into the fetal position and began to rock back and forth, asking yourself repeatedly why the rum was gone.

“Ah don’t have any rum, but Ah got some Applejack Daniel’s if yer up to sharing,” she said.

This got your attention.

“FUCK YEAH NIGGA!” you cheered as you raced over to the mare and pulled her into tight embrace, “Homies looking after homies, that’s what it’s all about, man!”

The orange earth pony giggled at your enthusiasm and returned the embrace.

“Ah’ll go fetch the bottle from luggage, then we’ll get plastered. That cool?”

“Bitchin’.”

It wasn’t long before you lost track of how many shots you did with your bro’s big booty-toting sister. By now, the once full container of Applejack Daniels was down to only a quarter of it’s full capacity, and two of were both heavily shitfaced.

The two of you downed yet another round of shots in unison, before you slammed your shot glass

“Another!” you slurred out as you shook your shot glass in front of the mare.

Much to your dismay, however, the mare didn’t pour you another shot.

“Hey Anon… Ah have a crazy idea…”

“Is it crazier than the reason why kids like cinnamon toast crunch?” you asked in a deadpan tone.

“Huh…?”

“Nothing, continue.”

“Well… uh… heh…”

“Come on gurl, spit it out.”

She took a deep breath. “Anon, ya wanna do body shots?”

You blinked, not quite believing what you just heard.

“Could you repeat that please?”

“Ah said… do ya wanna do body shots with me?”

OH FUCK!

YOU’RE IN NIGGA! YOU’RE FUCKING IN!

2KFUCKING14 YOU MADE IT!

“I would love to do body shots with you, Applejack,” you responded calmly, despite how you felt on the inside.

“Let’s take this over to the bed, then.”

OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK-

You briefly wondered if you were a bad enough dude to tame this booty.

Of course, in your heart, you knew you were.

“Ah got some limes and salt hidden in my luggage somewhere, give me a sec would ya?”

“Yeah man, take your time.”

You jumped onto the bed as your companion made her way over to her luggage.

Turning your head to her, you began to watch as she walked.

As always, it was entertaining to watch her ass bounce and wiggle with every step she took.

It got even better when she lowered the front of her body to stick her head in her bag.

AW SHIT!

LOOK AT DAT BOOTY!

10/10

Absolute perfection.

Leaning in for a closer look, you observed Applejack’s backside like a hawk watching it's prey.

Unsurprisingly, for someone who spent basically every single day working on a farm, her butt had a lot of muscle to it. They made it look shapely as hell. You were honestly surprised at how an ass with so much muscle could still be so circular and inviting. It was something you just wanted to pry apart with your bare hands.

Those flanks were the best you’d ever seen, to bury your face in between them would be to drink from the fountain of the elder gods themselves. So round and squeezable, yet so capable of wrecking your shit; the perfect combo for a perfect booty.

All in all, if you could put her ass into words it would be something like…

YES. Just. Fucking. YES.

If she would’ve just moved her tail a little…

...No such luck.

Fuck.

Wait a second…

You remembered something from earlier as stared into the mare’s ass.

Something that you realized that wanted to do ever since you laid eyes on that glorious postier of Applejack’s.

You also suddenly remembered why you carried quarters on you at all times.

Reaching into your pocket, you fished out a trio of quarters. You picked one out of the small pile, put the others aside, and took aim.

With precision accuracy, you tossed the quarter across the room. It flew true and impacted against Applejack’s perfect derriere. The quarter bounced off her ass and, after getting some surprisingly nice air, landed a couple feet away from Applejack.

You were in awe, as broscience (the best kind of science, as regular science was for fucking nerds) just confirmed that AJ’s ass is tight as hell right in front of you.

“Anon, did ya just throw something at me?” the subject of your experiments inquired, not even bothering to dig her head out of her luggage to look at you.

“Yeah, I threw a quarter at your ass to test how tight it was. You know, for science,” you responded casually.

“Oh, alright then,” she responded.

It wasn’t long before she backed away from her luggage, a bag of lemons, a container of salt, and some premium brand tequila in her possession. Carrying said supplies in her teeth, she began to trot over to the bed you were currently lying on.

“So do you ordinarily pack shit for body shots or something when you’re out of town?” you asked out of curiosity.

She stopped dead in her tracks. “Well… uh… to be honest, Ah kinda planned for this to happen. Ah thought it’d be fun to do with ya, ya know? Heh…”

…

You suddenly felt the tightness in your pants intensify beyond what you’ve ever experienced. Hell, your pants weren’t even this tight when you laid your eyes upon Applejack’s ass for the first time.

As the great sports-poet Tony Kornheiser once said… IT’S TIME!

Applejack hopped up onto the bed and crawled next you, before she dropped what she was carrying in between the two of you.

“We can’t exactly do body shots with yer clothes on, Anon,” she mare pointed out to you.

“L-lewd.”

In two swift motions of your hands, your shirt and pants came off, leaving you in your underwear.

Wait, should you be wearing these?

...No. What would make you think that, you dipshit?

You ripped off your last piece of clothing, leaving you completely naked.

Hell yeah.

As fast as you could, you grabbed the salt, and headed to AJ’s position. It looked like she already had the lime in her mouth and ready to go. You leaned over her, and began to sprinkle the salt in a trail up the mare’s neck.

Not even bothering showing any restraint, you dove in, licking the salty powder from her coat. After that, you moved up to Applejack’s face, ready for the chunk of sour, green fruit. Lowering your face to hers, you took the lime from her mouth, intentionally letting your lips linger against hers.

Before you could get too into it, you pulled away, chewing the lime up, and downing it with a shot of tequila.

“WOO!” you cheered immediately after you swallowed, “That was fucking awesome!”

“Now it’s yer turn, sugarcube.”

Oh lawdy.

Applejack hopped off of the bed, making way for you to lie down. This was something you took little time doing, almost crushing the bed from jumping onto it. You reached over to grab a slice of the lime, but were met with thin air.

“Yo AJ, you know where the-”

You were cut off when the sour fruit was jammed in your mouth by an orange hoof.

That was pretty fucking rough.

Unf.

The farm pony remained silent as she sprinkled salt in a trail from just below the beginning of your pubic bone, up to your belly button.

OH FUCK YEAH.

A moist sensation suddenly took you off guard as AJ touched her tongue to the start of the trail, and moved up at an agonizingly slow pace. It travelled up your body, leaving a thin path of saliva in its wake.

Sweatingman.jpg

When Applejack was done with that, she moved herself up, coming eye to eye with you on the bed. After staring at you for a few seconds, Then, she leaned in, opening her mouth much wider than it needed to be. Your own mouth was covered completely as the mare stuck her tongue into your mouth, grabbing the lime and pulling it out.

The two of you separated, leaving a string of spit connecting your faces for a split second.

One thing was for certain...

Applejack was definitely into this. Perhaps even as into this as you were.

“Damn son,” you commented.

It was time to kick shit up a notch.

It appeared that Applejack had the same idea as you. You rolled off the bed, opening it up for her to take. This time though, instead of lying on her back, she laid on her side, giving off an amazing view of dat booty. You watched as the orange pony took a lime slice and slipped it in between her two ass cheeks.

Dong near maximum expansion.

Next, she grabbed the salt and put it on one of her ears, then looked at you with a sultry expression.

Who were you to deny such an offer?

Kneeling down, you looked over the mare. This time instead of placing your tongue on the salt, you put the tip of her ear in your mouth. Slowly, you moved your mouth down her ear, nibbling at it as you lapped up the salt.

You swore you heard a moan come from your partner as you did this.

All too soon, the salt was gone, but that meant you could move on to the next part. The BEST part. Still crouching by the bed, you moved down her perfect body, stopping at the booty you worshipped so much. For a while, you stared into the abyss that was Applejack’s ass, taking some time to appreciate being able to look at it so closely without repercussion.

Eventually, you couldn’t take it anymore, and you dove in, refusing to take any subtlety in your action. A low grunt was heard upon your connection.

Apparently, you weren’t the only one enjoying this.

With your face pressing in and your lips spread across the landscape, you stuck your tongue out to grab the lime, mirroring her earlier action. Thrusting out, your taster connected with something warm and soft, and it sure as hell didn’t taste like a lime.

While you were trying to contemplate what you just did, you heard Applejack let loose what almost sounded like a squeak.

The fuck? Applejack didn’t seem like a squeaker to you.

OH WELL, THIS BITCH’S SQUEAKING WAS ONLY MAKING YOUR PENIS HARDER.

You kept your tongue trailing up her moist slit before hooking it behind the lime and pulling it into your mouth. Applejack’s moans were a signal that you had done a good job.

Chewing a now slightly apple-tasting lime, you moved away from the glorious applebutt and took a shot.

It was your turn again, so the pony rolled off of the bed, allowing you access.

Once again, you hopped onto the bed, sprawled and grabbed a lime piece.

This time, you set the slice on top of your chest, flexing your PECS OF STEEL to hold it in place. A sense of pride swelled in your chest as you saw Applejack’s eyes widen as you did so. You poured salt from your belly to your chest muscles.

Bitches be mirin’.

“Come git sum!”

Unsurprisingly, AJ listened without hesitation, hopping up on the bed and pinning you down. Sloppily, she began to lick up the salt, leading up to your tightened chest. You were somewhat surprised when she buried her face in your chest and ripped the lime from your walls of steel.

With a triumphant grin, she chewed up the food, took a shot of tequila, and swallowed.

“Yer turn, Anon…”

"Kickass!"

It was getting really hot in here at this point; you were getting curious as to what was going to happen next.

The cowpony jumped to the bed, landing on her back and grabbing a lime in the process.

Wonder where she’s gonna-

Applejack moved her hooves to between her back legs. When she removed it, you could see half of the lime sticking out of her vagina.

OH FUUUUUCK-

Then, she spread the salt from her inner thigh, all the way up to her already wet cunt.

In the words of the wise Senator Ron Paul… IT’S FUCKING HAPPENING.

You hopped up to the bed, pinning her down much like she did with you earlier. Hastily, you ate the salt off of her leg, slowly but surely getting up to her pussy.

The time came quicker than you expected, and your nose bumped into the halfway protruding fruit.

You really wanted to savor this moment.

“Anon, don’t just stare at it!” she cried, growing impatient, “Eat it!”

Dammit.

Oh well, there was no way you could ever deny her request.

With all due haste, you put your mouth against her sopping marehood. The lime was only a secondary objective at this point. You sucked the lime out, chewed it, and swallowed it; all while keeping your mouth against her folds. After that pesky obstruction was out of the way, you slipped your tongue into her hot tunnel.

“A-ah!”

Something bumped against your nose, leaving a massive, wet, sticky spot. It did this repeatedly as you licked. Deciding to see what was up, you noticed your partner’s clitoris winking out of her vulva.

This was a confusing feel, but you decided to keep on trucking regardless.

You lapped up as much of Applejack’s juices as possible. Ironically, they were a great way to wash the lime and tequila down.

Soon enough, licking the inside of her wet tunnel got a bit stale, and you began to wander out to different regions. As much as it gave you conflicting feelings, you ended working towards the pony’s winking clit. After taking a quick breath to prepare yourself, you gave it a lick once it popped out.

“AAAH!”

This mare was a yeller, that’s for sure.

Not to mention, licking this thing wasn’t all bad, either.

Minutes passed as you ate out Applejack. it didn’t take too long for you to find a good pace for going at her genitals. You’d lick up, down, and inside, then linger on her clitoris.

Suddenly, your work was briefly interrupted when the strong earth mare wrapped her legs around your head, pressing you into her pelvis even harder.

This did not deter you, though. You pushed onward, determined to bring Applejack to orgasm.

As it turned out, you really didn’t have to work much longer, as her grip on your head tightened to the point of almost breaking your neck. As she did this, a massive torrent of sticky mare juice poured over your face.

“Ah… hah… Boy Anon, your fingers ain’t the only handy tool on ya…” Applejack panted out.

“Shut up bitch, I know it,” you responded casually from down under before you pulled away, wiping away at the juices covering your face.

Applejack worked her way onto her hooves, grabbing you by the arm.

“Ayy gurl, what the fu-” you began to say.

You were flipped to your back and pinned down on the bed by the surprisingly strong farm pony.

“Anon… Ah didn’t get the chance to properly thank ya for earlier…”

“NANI?!”

She lifted her body into the air, positioning her sopping wet cunt just above the tip of your penis.

It was finally happening. You were going to fuck AJ.

Long have you fantisized about this.

However, just as she was about to slam her pussy down onto your throbbing cock, she fell forward. With a heavy thump, Applejack collided with your body, unconscious.

...well fuck.

You laid there in the nude, completely shitfaced, covered in vaginal juices, and being drooled on by your bro’s lightly snoring little sister.

Honestly, it wasn’t a bad way to end the day.

Not bad at all.

“...what in the name of fuck is that smell? And why the hell do I feel so fucking sticky?”

You rubbed your eyes and attempted to sit up, but a mass on your chest prevented you from moving.

You looked to see what was holding you back and spotted Applejack sprawled out on top of you.

“Na... ni?” you asked nobody in particular in confusion.

As you spoke, Applejack stirred in her sleep. A small yawn escaped her lips as her eyes fluttered open, before she glanced up to you.

“Mornin’ sugarcube…”

You blinked as you began to absorb the situation you had found yourself in.

“Yo… did we fuck or something?”

The mare gave you an inquisitive look. “Ya don’t remember last night?”

“Hardly,” you responded, struggling to remember what happened last night through your pounding hangover, “I just remember getting shitfaced with you after we got in.”

“Oh…”

“Why?” you asked, “Did something happen last night?”

Applejack seemed to hesitate for a few moments, as if she was thinking something over in her head, before she shook her head. “Nah… nothin’. We just drank a shit-ton and passed out on each other, Ah guess.”

“Well fuck...” you said with a sigh.

Why’s it so hard for a nigga to get some? Fuck, these blue balls are bitch.

...though, for some reason, they weren't nearly as bad as they were the previous day.

Odd.

“Would ya feel better if we grabbed some waffles before we head home?”

Your eyes lit up as you flashed her a grin. “Yes, I would love some waffles right about now.”

The two of you got out of bed, checked out, and started the day off right with some motherfucking waffles, before heading back to Ponyville.

Of course, the moment you got home, you drank yourself into a coma, as usual.

Life was pretty fucking good.