Don't forget to vote at the end of the chapter.

"Yo, bro, you aight?"

Big Mac glanced your way and responded with a nod. "Eeyup."

"Know how we got in here?"

"Eenope."

"Fuck."

You leaned back in your chair, heaving out an exasperated sigh. To think, you could be at home getting drunk off your ass and watching hardcore Germane dungeon porn right now.

!

The television before them suddenly flickered to life. Through the heavy static, you could make out the silhouette of a pony leering at the two of you.

"Would you like to play a game?" the pony inquired in a raspy voice, sounding just like a stereotypical villain from an overrated b-list movie series.

“NO THANKS, BRO!” you exclaimed at the top of your lungs.

You pushed your legs against the ground and launched yourself up into the air, before the flimsy chair you were tied up in landed at a bad angle and collapsed under your weight.

Good thing you never skip leg day, because only plebs work out only their upper body.

Now freed from your bonds, you rose up off the ground made your way over to your bro.

“How you holding up?” you inquired as you started to work on untying his bounds.

“The back of mah head hurts…” he commented with a shrug.

“Yeah, you got knocked the fuck out, bro.”

“So did ya, Anon.”

“Bite me.”

You managed to undo the knot fairly quickly, which was relatively simple, considering the fact that hooves aren’t very good knot-tying implements. Go figure.

“Damn, this is too fucking easy,” you mumbled as you slapped your bro on the back and indicated it’s time to book it the fuck out of there. With hot heels (and hooves), you both turned in the direction of a long hall, yelling in retarded, exasperated joy.

‘This is way too easy,’ you thought to yourself, and just as soon as the thought fizzled out of your head, a cord ripped at your ankles and you felt the world fly up at you.

“Fuck!” you shouted as the hardwood floor came up at you. “Not the face!”

Big mac tumbled on top of you, and you groaned as stars spun around your vision. You heard the clop of hooves overhead, and with a groan, you turned to look up.

A menacing smile lit up in the dim light.

“That’s not how we play the game, silly. But something tells me this game will be much, much more fun,” the dark voice said, tinged with a british accent. As your anger boiled up, you felt Big Mac shift his weight and land a nice, heavy buck right into Octavia’s gut.

“Tha’s for tellin’ us we’re gonna get laid and then tryin’ to kidnap us, you fuckin’ bitch!” he said, before he calmly turned towards you, “let’s make like a tree and get the fuck outta here.”

Ignoring Octavia’s gurgling coughs, you picked yourself up off the floor and bolted down the hall, with your compadre close behind. At the end of the long hall, you see a door rimmed by a crack golden of light.

Freedom!

However, just as you grabbed for the door handle, you heard Big Mac shout behind you.

“Wait! Anon, AJ! And Lyra! We can’t leave mah sister behind. Or a bro,” he leered at you with a dark, determined glare, his blood-matted mane hanging in his face.

“...oh yeah, almost forgot about them.”

The Bro Code demanded no bro left behind, and you had to help your bro to find his sister, too.

Plus, that booty game was too ridiculous to leave behind.

“Let’s go get em, bro!” Big Mac declared as he threw a hoof into the air.

“FUCK YEAH, LET’S DO THIS SHIT, BRAH!”

You both stood there for a moment longer.

“So, uh… What do we do?” Big Mac said.

“Dunno. Maybe we should--”

!

You both flinched as the sound of a starting chainsaw echoed and screamed down the hall.

“OH SHIT, SHE’S SENDING PATRICK BATEMAN AFTER US!”

“What!?” Big Mac shouted, unable to get your reference. You merely rolled your eyes and called him a newfag under your breath.

Another ripping sound of the chainsaw broke you out of your stupor and you backed up to the door. “Look man, we gotta do something. Something… drastic.”

“That’s more yer department, Anon.”

“Oh yeah…”

As the sound of the chainsaw grew louder, closing in on your position, you quickly came up with a plan off the top of your head.

You unfastened your belt and unzipped your zipper, before you pulled your pants down to your ankles.

“...Anon, what are ya doin’?”

“Something drastic.”

In the gloom of the dark, you spotted Octavia as she stepped into the light, her eyes glowing as bright as her crooked smile. The chainsaw growled in her arms like an angry animal.

“Anon, WHAT ARE YA DOIN’?” Big Mac screamed as he tried to smash into the wall behind him even more.

You were cool though. A breath exited your body, and clarity focused itself in your mind.

You knew what to do.

“Trust me, bro, I’m a level five wizard. I got this.”

Vigorously, and with much gusto, you began spanking the half-chub that any normal male would have received from watching a really hot mare bare down on him with a deadly gardening implement.

As you reached terminal hardness, you stepped towards the crazy mare, your fist a blur at the sheer speed.

“Is this what you want!?” you shouted as you waddled with your pants around your ankles towards the pony, “Come and get it, bitch!”

With a grin, you realized your insanely stupid and probably mature-rated idea was working. A large grimace spread across Octavia’s face as she watched you waddle over to her, your President Johnson getting the full Air Force One treatment.

“What the fuck?!” she cried in british shock, backing away as you moved towards her. Finally, you closed in on her at the end of the hallway, about three feet away. She had lowered her chainsaw, which puttered in her hooves. Once you had gotten close enough, though, you began spinning your erection wildly.

“To impress a chick, do the helicopter dick! Helicopter diiiiiiiiiick!” you chortled.

With a shriek of pure horror, Octavia turned around and bolted across the long living room as you bunny hopped behind her.

“Go, Big Mac! I’ll scare her off, go find AJ and Lyra!” And with that, you plunged, dick-first, into the dark of the maniac’s house.

You wondered why she would have a massive male restroom in her house, but frankly, you weren’t one to give much of a fuck about stuff like that.

As you crept down the carpeted halls, you stroked yourself habitually, your other hand feeling along the wall for any sort of landmark.

“Aha,” you muttered to yourself, your free hand grasping for the door knob as your other held onto your own knob. With a creak, you tiptoed into the room, searching for a light switch. With a clack, the lights popped on and you saw a room full of urinals, obviously brand new and some even covered in sheets of plastic.

Dude, seriously, what with this bitch and urinals?

Better yet, why do ponies even have urinals? How would they even use them? It seemed like it’d be rather uncomfortable for a quadruped to use one.

You shook these thoughts away, as these were questions for a later time, and glanced about the room.

!

Amongst the piss ghosts, you spotted an aquamarine mare, who looked up at you. She took you in, then glanced down at erection, which you were still idly stroking.

She blinked, before a grin spread across her face.

“Aren’t you a little short for a stormtrooper?” she inquired.

“I think you mean; aren’t you a little fat for a stormtrooper?” you retorted.

“Haha… references…”

“Yeah…”

“...”

“...”

“NICE COCK, BRAH!”

“THANKS BRO!”

“WE REALLY GOTTA STOP MEETING LIKE THIS, BRAH!”

“YEAH, TELL ME ABOUT IT, BRO!”

“SO WE GONNA GET OUTTA HERE, OR WHAT, BROSEPH?!”

“FUCK YEAH, LET’S GET GOING, BROSEIDON!”

The two of you shared tight, bromantic embrace, which got kinda awkward when you stabbed Lyra in the stomach with your member. She just shrugged it off.

“Put that thing away.”

“I can’t, it’s my secret weapon. Against her.”

“Oh, you mean the psycho bitch? So did she fuck you guys or what?” You shook your head mournfully. Lyra shook along with you, face stern.

“A damn shame. I’d rail on that flank all night if I could. But the hot ones are always crazy brah... and besides, I like cock too much.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Woah dude, I didn’t know you were a fag.”

“What? Oh... fuck you.”

The sudden rattling sound of a chainsaw starting up again took your attention.

“Let’s go!” you shouted, grabbing Lyra’s hoof. With a shout of surprise, she galloped up behind you as you ran out the door.

“H-hey, buy me a drink first, will ya?!” Lyra called out from behind you, her hoof still held tightly in your grasp.

“Now’s not the time!”

Back in the hallway, you heard the rattling chainsaw roaring behind you both.

“I’m going to snap that dick of yours off and deep freeze it so I can enjoy it on a hot summer’s day, fuckface!” Octavia’s shrill scream rang out.

“Dude, what in the fuck?” Lyra questioned, suppressing both a laugh and a slight shout of fear.

“Fuck. So much for Operation Yankee-Doodle Dandy. Let’s go, bro!” You wrangled up your pants, tucking your boner in the waistband and cinching down your belt, “Cheeze it!”

The two of you skedaddled away from the terrifying noise, rushing past the dark and into the cold static light of the first room.

“Where’s Big Mac and AJ?” Lyra inquired, raising an eyebrow at the tv in the corner of the room amongst even more urinals. She mouthed a big “What the fuck?”

“Dunno, he’s probably getting his sister out… or rubbing one out,” you answered with a shrug, “one of those two.”

“Hopefully not both,” Lyra grimaced at the mental image.

“What the fuck, bro?” you laughed at your friend’s perverted mind.

A gigantic crash made you both jump, and you turned towards the sound. Your eyes strained to see in the murky darkness, but your ears heard the sound of hooves all too well.

Finally, a form walked from out of the shadows. Matted, black hair fell in the mare’s face, and only a gruesome smile was visible. Slowly, she lifted the chainsaw in her hooves above her head, and ripped at the start cord. With a squeal of mechanical life, the chainsaw jumped awake and revved high and loud.

“Here’ssss Johnny!” Octavia bellowed, and, screaming, ran towards you and Lyra, chainsaw flailing in-hoof.

“Oh, fuck!” you both screamed, and dove out of the way, just at the last second. With a crunch, the chainsaw landed on a urinal behind you and shredded it to dust. Whipping her head around, Octavia screamed at you again, and lunged after Lyra. Too shocked to move in time, she took a brunt blow to the shoulder. In a moment of surprise, you saw Lyra go down in a spray of blood and wide, golden eyes.

“Oh no, bitch! Nobody fucks with my bro but me!” you exclaimed, enraged, before lowering your voice to a barely audible whisper, “n-no hetero.”

Furious, you beared down on the pony, jumping at her from behind and grabbing her by the neck, choking her.

You soon realized this was a bad idea.

Octavia quickly turned from surprised to downright angry as you tried to hold her in a chokehold. Straining under your weight, she brought the chainsaw up over her and began to try and hit you with it from behind her head. You realized this just a little bit too late.

“Aw fuck…” you breathed as the chainsaw came down in your arm, and in a moment of startling pain, you dropped back to the floor with a guttural shout.

Fuck, that hurt like a bitch.

Scrambling to get away from the insane pony, you slid yourself backwards on the floor, wincing every time your cut arm pushed you away. Finally, your back hit the wall, and you gasped a little: this was it.

You were boned.

Blood seeping from the gash in your arm, you looked around, frantic to find something to throw or defend yourself with. Nothing was around but a stack of urinals and the clothes on your back. As you saw Octavia bearing down on you step by step, you got desperate. Grabbing off one of your shoes, you hurled it at the insane pony. With a thunk, it hit her squarely on the forehead.

“Ow!” she shouted, dropping her chainsaw to the ground as she put a hoof up to the blow. The chainsaw sputtered and died on the floor. “That really hurt! I’m gonna have a lump there, you idiot!”

You can’t believe that actually worked, and you’re trying to not to giggle as you realize your stupid plan played out.

Octavia put her hooves wide, outraged. “Who throws a shoe, honestly?”

As the crazed mare continued to bitch at you, your attention was stolen by a large mass moving about in the shadows, lumbering towards the two of you.

“Uh,” you spoke up, looking at the mare with a raised brow, “You don’t get to bring friends.”

She blinked. “What friends?”

“BONK!”

Octavia collapsed to the ground after receiving a nasty blow to the back of her head. As she fell to the ground unconscious, the mass in the shadows walked out into the light.

“Dammit Anon, ya nearly gave mah away!”

The large red stallion approached you, an unconscious Applejack on his back and a blood splattered Louisville slugger tight in his grip.

How he got one in Equestria was beyond you, but you could give less of a fuck.

“BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

“Now’s not da time for broship, Anon,” he said, putting a stop to your moment, “that comes later.”

“Bullshit,” you spat out, “it’s always the time for broship.”

“Yeah dude,” a third voice spoke out, “according to the Bro Code, broship never ends, not even after death.”

!

You turned towards the source of the voice, and spotted an aquamarine unicorn mare smirking at you.

The same unicorn you just saw get cut down by a crazed chainsaw-wielding bitch.

“Sup cunts?” she said, before she raised a curious brow at you, “Yo Anon, you aight? You look like you just saw a ghost.”

OH FUCK YOUR BRO WAS A GHOST.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THEY KILLED LYRA!” you cried to the heavens, before you fell to your knees, “YOU BASTARDS!”

Lyra blinked.

“I’m... dead? Anon, I-” A strange look overtook Lyra’s face. “AWESOME, I’M A GHOST!”

You suddenly realized how fucking awesome that was. “FUCK YEAH, I HAVE A GHOST BRO NOW! AIN’T THAT SOME SHIT?!”

“FUCK YES! DUDE, I’M TOTALLY GOING TO WATCH YOU MASTURBATE FROM THE CEILING!”

“HAHA, WHAT THE FUCK?!” you snorted out, “THAT SOUNDS PRETTY HETERO TO ME.”

“N-no hetero?” Lyra asked, her face going red as she quieted down.

“No hetero,” you confirmed with a nod.

“Ya two are weirdos,” Big Mac commented.

“But we’re your weirdos, bro,” you countered with a smirk. Lyra nodded in agreement with your statement.

“Ah know,” he responded, “and Ah wouldn’t have it any other way.”

After a round of circlejerking and taking turns teabagging the unconscious mare that was just trying to kill you with a chainsaw, you and your merry band of faggots decided to leave that urinal filled hellhole behind.

Fucking urinals, man. You’d never look at them the same again.

“So... I’m not a ghost?” Lyra inquired as the three of you walked out of Octavia’s house

“Nah.”

“Eenope.”

“B-but… how else will I fuck with ponies and watch them masturbate?” she inquired.

“Dunno,” you responded, giving her aquamarine horn a flick, “magic?”

“Hey hey hey,” she slapped your hand away, “don’t touch my thing.”

“Why not?” you inquired, clueless.

“Because Anon,” Big Mac spoke up, “if ya knew anything about foreplay with a mare, ya’d know that horns are really sensitive.”

“Oh… OH!”

“No hetero?”

“No hetero,” you confirmed with a nod, “so you guys down to get shitfaced and try to forget the haunting memories of the horrific experience we just went through?”

“Anon, don’t ya think it’s a bit early to be drinking?” Big Mac asked as he glanced at his watch, “It’s like, five in the morning.”

You gave your bro deadpan look. “The early bird gets the worm, Big Mac.”

“Ya don’t like tequila.”

“Shut up, I’m trying to be clever.”

Big Mac shrugged, glancing at a sleeping Applejack. “Ah need ta get her home anyways, Anon. Ah’ll catch ya two later.”

You and your unicorn companion looked on with tear filled eyes as Big Mac separated from the two of you and trotted in the general direction of Sweet Apple Acres.

Or Ponyville’s Red Light district. They’re in the same direction, and you were pretty sure that Big Mac also worked as a pimp and/or male escort on the side.

Once the two of you were alone, you turned towards your female bro with an inquisitive look.

“Do you want to head back to my place and get turnt the fuck up?”

“I would love to go back to your place and get turnt the fuck up with you, Anon,” she responded to you with a pleasant smile.

“FUCK YEAH!”

The two of you skipped merrily to your shitty apartment, thoughts of cheap booze and convincing your hot MILF landlord to get wasted with you danced through your mind.

Just another typical weekend in Ponyville.

Author's Notes:

Hello ladies, gentlemen, faggots, and trigendered firefoxes. Over the past couple weeks, you guys have voted on whether or not I should include a multiple choice feature at the end of every chapter, and as expected, everyone who voted said yes.

For those of you who did not read 60's Era Spiderman goes to Equestria, here's how the voting system works: A list of options will be provided in the authors notes box after each chapter. You can vote for one option (voting for more than one voids your vote) in the comments section. Whichever option has the most votes after a given amount of time wins. Once all the current options have been written, a chapter will be written to advance the main plot, and then you will advance to the next tier of options. If a certain character's option seems popular, I will add more options involving him/her.

Here are the options:

() Go to Canterlot with Big Mac and Lyra to publish the Official 2014 Ponyville Booty Power Ranking and party your asses off
() Help Big Mac throw a giant ass party at Sweet Apple Acres while Granny Smith is gone
() Go to work, because shit always happens at Sweet Apple Acres that totally isn’t boring
() Fuck around with Lyra (n-no hetero)
() You’ve got a fatal case of booty fever, and only Applejack can cure it
() Go hang out with the overhyped DJ
() Teach the cutie mark crusaders how to fish with dynamite
() Talk about feelings with Twilight Sparkle and attempt to corrupt her
() Go see Rarity and get some new duds, then hit up the town with her

And please, if a chapter's voting has already been concluded, don't cast a vote. You have no idea how fucking annoying it is to have your feed be filled with one idiot commenting 30+ times on a story and every single one of those comments is a vote from a chapter that has already been voted on. Anyone who does that will be temporarily blocked.