“Hey Anon?”

…

“Anon?”

“No.”

“Dude, get up.”

"Noooooooo-"

"Brah, you gotta get up."

“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck…”

You groggily raised your head from the floor. Your current migraine made it crystal clear that you were suffering from a severe hangover. You examined your surroundings, finding yourself in a corner of the Apple family’s guest room and surrounded by a large variety of empty liquor bottles.

You vaguely remembered going to the liquor store immediately after winning a fuck-ton of money, spending a ridiculous amount of bits on whatever alcohol you decided to impulse buy, then running back to the Apple’s farm to celebrate and drink off the pain of your injuries.

Speaking of, it seemed that all of your injuries had healed overnight.

Shit’s fucking weird, man.

After a few moments of searching, you spotted the source of the voice that disturbed your slumber. Lyra stood above you, cracking an amused smile on her face.

“Lyra…?” You asked drowsily. You let out a yawn before glancing over at the conveniently placed clock. The time was a few minutes past one in the afternoon. “What the fuck, man? Let me sleep.”

You closed your eyes and tried to return to the dream realm, only to find yourself lifted off the ground. Your eyes shot open as you took in your situation, finding yourself surrounded in a golden magical aura as Lyra levitated you into the cool air. She shot you a cheeky grin as she eyed you down.

“Nice cock, bruh~!”

You glanced down, quickly realizing that the breeze that you had felt between your knees wasn’t an alcohol fueled hallucination and you were sporting your birthday suit.

Real niggas don’t sleep in clothes.

“Thanks, bro.” You shook off your annoyance at having been rudely awakened and shot the mare a smile. “I put a lot of work into it.”

“I can tell.” She bit down on her bottom lip as you heard a silent ‘unf’ escape her lips.

“So…” You trailed off as you were unceremoniously plopped onto your barely used bed. You reached out and grabbed a nearby half full handle of vodka off your night stand, taking a long swig from it. “Why the fuck did you get me up so early? A nigga needs his beauty sleeps, bro.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know broseph. Sorry man.” She gave you a sheepish grin. “I just had some shit I needed to talk to you about.”

“Look Lyra, I already told you.” You began, pinching at the bridge of your nose in annoyance. “I don’t know where babies come from. You should hit up my bro Alex Pones, he-”

You found a hoof shoved in your mouth as your bro rather overtly signalled for you to stop talking. “That’s not what I want to talk about. I want to talk about the LODS-A-EMONE that we won yesterday.”

“Oh!” Your muffled reply came from behind Lyra’s hoof. She put her hoof back down and let you speak. “You should’ve said so, brah. What about it?”

“Well… we have more than enough money to go get our own place again. So I was thinking, like, why not go for it?”

"Getting our own place? So suddenly? I dunno, bro…” You scratched your chin as you took a minute to think it over. “I kinda like living here. I think living in a wholesome environment like this place is good for me.”

*SMACK*

You felt a sudden, searing hot pain on your right cheek. You rubbed at the sensation, taking a moment to realize that Lyra had just bitch slapped you.

“Snap out of it!” The minty pone snapped at you. “Wholesome? Good for you? That isn’t anything the Anonymous I fell in love with would say.”

You shook your head and immediately shook the thoughts of being a FILTHY FUCKING NORMALFAG from your head.

“Fucking hell, you’re right! Let’s blow this joint. THIS FUCKING FARM IS TURNING ME INTO A NORMIE!”

“FUCKING NORMIES!” Lyra exclaimed, shaking her hoof angrily at nothing in particular.

Before the two of you could break out into an angry frog screech, your bedroom door flew open.

There in the doorway stood Barb, still decked out with that moe as fuck eyepatch.

“Hol up! The fuck was that about joints?” The dragon asked politely.

You gave her a condescending look. “Bro, you’re a bit young to be injecting the marijuanas.”

“FUCK YOU! YOU’RE NOT MY DAD!” Your sidekick responded with a pointed finger.

“FUCK YOU, YOU’RE NOT GETTING ANY WAFFLES!” You declared dramatically.

“LEGGO OF MY EGGO, BITCH!” Barb exclaimed as she stepped threateningly towards you.

“YOU ARE ALREADY WAFFLELESS!” You said with a smirk.

“N-NANI?!”

“Nah, just kidding~” You said, putting on your cool face. “I'm not that cruel.”

“O-oh!” A relieved expression crossed Barb’s face as she regarded you and your bottom bitch with a smile. “So what were you niggas talking about?”

“Moving out and getting our own place since we got copious amounts of dosh after yesterday and this family friendly environment is seriously cramping our style.” You gave the young dragon a quick rundown.

“True, true.” Barb took in your word with a sagely nod. She gave you a concerned look. “I'm going with you, r-right?”

“Of course, brah. It'd be extremely unbro of us to leave a bro behind after taking said bro off the streets, bro.” You said with a reassuring smile.

The dragon loli gave you an approving thumbs up, before following up the previous question with another one. “So, do I still get my own room, or am I gonna be a couch surfing homie for now on?”

“No clue, bruh.” You responded with a shrug. “Only Lyra knows the true amount we won.”

The two of you looked to the aquamarine unicorn for answers. She looked off to the side, a look of shame on her face.

“Weeeeeelllllll…”

“...I kinda already bought the house…”

!

“The fuck?” You blurted out in confusion, both from the news and the fact you randomly teleported in front of a decently sized two story house out in Ponyville-adjacent during the time-skip. “When the fuck did you buy this?”

“Well, it kinda went like this- I decided I wanted to take a walk last night after you passed out. That walk turned into me drunkenly stumbling out here, seeing the for sale sign, and buying the house outright from the owner, who was still up for some reason…”

“You walked all the way out here with enough bits to buy a house outright?” This earned a concerned look from your sidekick.

“Hey, a mare needs a little spending money!” Lyra responded, taking up a defensive stance.

“Clearly.”

“Shut the fuck up.” You ordered the two of them. “This is fucking awesome. Just about as awesome as a drunken impulse purchase can get.” You slung your arm around your unicorn bro as you pulled her into a sloppy brohug, ruffling her mane affectionately as you did so. “Good call, bro!”

The mare in your arms giggled bashfully, her cheeks turning a deep shade a crimson as she returned your embrace an epic show of bromance.

“Glad you liked it.” Her whispered tone fell upon your ears.

After a while, the two of you separated, and Lyra motioned you towards the house. “Come on dude! Let’s check this shit out!”

You found yourself lying on your back, just drunk enough to get /comfy/ despite the fuzzy, itching carpet scratching at your skin. You admired the nearly perfect condition house, something would be sure to change in the coming days under your care.

There was nothing in the Book of Ayy about cleanliness, and as far as you were concerned, cleaning was for nerds like Sparklebutt. The amount of ragers you were about to throw in this bitch would surely do a number to your new home.

Speaking of which…

“HEY FAGGOTS!” You yelled at the two members of your party, despite them being not even five feet away from you.

“Yo?”

”Nani?”

“Check it!” You said as you sat up, and motioned at the home surrounding you. “We have this big ass house all to ourselves. You know what we need to do?”

“Spend the rest of our time off before Winter Wrap up moving in and settling in like responsible adults?” Lyra asked with a questioning look.

You gave the aquamarine mare a bewildered look, which was met with a snarky grin. “Just busting your balls, bro. OBVIOUSLY, WE’RE GONNA THROW A FUCKING PARTY!”

“FUCK YEAH, BRO!” You cheered, regaining your faith in her. Fishing your phone out of your pocket, you continued to speak. “Alright, time to contact-”

*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK*

“LEPRECHAUNS!” Barb blurted out, before jumping up and sprinting out of sight, towards the front door. You heard her open the door, a quick “WHAT’S GOOD NIGGA?!”, before the door closed seconds later.

After a short delay, your loli dragon sidekick came back into view, now accompanied by Big Mac, who was carrying a half barrel of homebrew Apple family cider on his back like it was nothing.

“Ah! Speak of the Devil!” You jumped up from your seated position as you spotted him.

“Wait, you didn’t even say his name yet.” Lyra pointed out to you.

“Muh party senses were tinglin’.” Big Mac explained, ignoring the unicorn’s statement. After you did a nigga a favor and got the keg off of his back, you brought your bro into a brohug.

“Good to see you, brah.” You patted the stallion’s back.

"Back at ya, bruh." The two of you seperated. Big Mac glanced about your living room, before shooting a questioning brow at you. "So, when were ya planning to mention yer plans to move out?"

Oh.

"Whoops." You rubbed the back of your neck awkwardly. "Sorry fam, I guess we got kinda carried away."

Your bro met your answer with a shrug.

Knowing you were in the clear, you decided to move on. “Alright bro, what’s the fucking plan?”

“Makes some calls, clean out the local liquor store.” Big Mac pulled out a pair of sunglasses from somewhere, and put them on. “And party.”

“Simple, yet effective! I like it!” You proudly noted, once again patting him on the back. “I can handle invites, but, we need a bartender!”

“YO NIGGA!” Barb’s claw shot up into the air, getting your attention. “I know how to mix drinks, I got you nigga.”

“FUCK YEAH! I knew there was a reason I took you off the streets, bro!” The two of you exchanged a quick high five, before you changed your focus to your phone. “Alright, let’s get these invites out of the way.”

“What about the booze?” Lyra asked with a raised brow.

“That’s the easy bit, bro.” With the snap of a finger, your empty living room was suddenly filled with rows upon rows of various liquors and mixes, as well as your old couch that has been sitting in storage ever since you got thrown out of your old apartment. With a smug grin, you commented. “Fuck yeah, I love being OP. PRAISE BE THE FONZ.”

Walking over to the couch, you plopped down on it, and began sending out texts to everybody on your contact’s list.

“Bros.” You regarded your gathered bros, as you tossed on your pair of GAR shades. “It’s time to party.”

It wasn’t long before the citizens of Ponyville heard your call. Much like a call to arms, a call to party is supposed to be met with the same universal response.

No matter what time it is, no matter what you’re doing, or who you are, you’re supposed to drop everything for a rager, according to the Book of Ayy and the Bro Code.

Unless you’re a fucking manlet.

Fuck manlets.

Not even thirty minutes later, you heard the first knock at your door. You jumped up from your couch, stripped to your birthday suit, and excitedly made your way to the front door.

“WHO IT BE, NIGGA?!” You politely greeted whomever was on the other side.

“HI NONNY! I HEARD THERE WAS A PARTY!”

“PUNKO PEE!” You addressed the bubbly pink pony with your now fully erect cock flapping in the breeze. “WHAT’S REALLY GOOD, BITCH?”

“NOT MUCH, BUUUUUUUUUUUDDY!” She said, beaming at you. “By the way, I bought a friend!”

“Uh, you don’t get to bring friends.” You assumed the CIA stance.

Pinkie Pie giggled, before standing on her rear hooves and casually slinging her hoof over your shoulder. “Nonny, you're so silly! You always get to bring friends to a rager.” She motioned dramatically to the front door as she continued to speak. “Nonny, meet Chad Thundercunt!”

“Chad huh?” You blurted out, absorbing the name into your mind. You saw movement out of the corner of your eye, as you began looking towards the doorway.

!!!

“Sup brah!” ‘Chad Thundercunt’ greeted you with a gang sign.

“Uh, Pinko?”

“Hmm?”

“You realize that’s Celestia, right?”

“Huh?” Pinkie gave you a perplexed look.

The pink party mare looked over her shoulder back at the white, tall winged unicorn who stood in the doorway. She was decked out in a wife beater that read in full caps ‘GIVE ME THAT ASS’ and a backwards red baseball cap that sat on top of ‘Chad Thundercunt’s’ spacey, rainbow colored mane.

As she gave the barely disguised princess a closer look, a hearty laugh escaped the alicorn’s lips.

“Me? Celestia? Come on, bro!” She said with a mischievous look. “That’s just ridiculous, man.”

“Yeah Nonny! Don’t be silly, Chad’s not a princess!” The earth mare at your side pointed out with her trademark giggle. “The princess couldn’t handle the type of keg stands that Chad here pulls off. She’s too regal and motherly.”

‘Chad’ snorted in amusement. “You’d be surprised…” She said under her breath, low enough that only you heard it. “Pinkie, bro, why don’t you head inside so I can talk shop with our gracious host for a hot minute.”

“K!”

As the pink pony skipped happily inside of your house, you were pulled outside by Thundercunt’s magic, the door closing behind you as you passed through the threshold.

As soon as the door closed, the mare’s facade melted away, as the poorly disguised princess gave you a flustered look.

“H-how did you know it was me?” She blurted out, looking absolutely bewildered. “Nopony- I mean, nobody’s ever seen through my disguise. Ever!”

You blinked in disbelief. “Bro, your disguise is a hat, and an admittedly fucking brotastic wife beater. There’s no way anybody really thinks you’re two different ponies.”

“Chad, Anon! How good to see you!” A familiar, feminine voice called out to the two of you.

The two of you faced the source, spotting the Princess of Spanking’s trotting towards you, a bottle of Royal Equestrian gripped in her magic. You noted that she was dressed up as if she were heading out to a club, being decked out in make up, jewelry, thigh highs, and a simple, short dress that matched her highlights. She had also done up her hair in a ponytail, just the way you liked it.

It wasn't the most regal appearance, but God damn, did your dick appreciate her new look.

““Sup bro?”” You and Celestia greeted her in unison.

The purple alicorn quickly closed the distance between the two of you, her smile widened as she took in your state of dress.

“Is it your birthday, Anonymous?” She inquired, biting her bottom lip as she eyed you down seductively, her eyes lingering on your slowly awakening erection.

“Iunno, probably.” You answered offhandedly, before eyeing the mare with a raised brow. “Say, Sparklebutt, you know Chad is Princess Celestia, right?”

“Huh?” Twilight took a break from eyeraping you and gave you a perplexed look.

“I mean, it’s so obvious that ya boi Thundercunt here is Celestia wearing a wife beater and backwards baseball cap.” You pointed out the obvious obviously.

“And some totally kickass shades, bro.” Celestia added, pointing to the aviators she was now wearing.

“That too.”

The purple princess almost gave you an offended look, as if you just insulted her intellect. “Anonymous, don’t be ridiculous, Princess Celestia would never wear something so vulgar.” She rolled her eyes at your shenanigans, before pushing past the two of you. “I'll see you two inside.”

“See?” The Solar Princess boasted as soon as the door closed behind your friendship and spankings obsessed bro, her confidence in her disguise returning as quickly as it disappeared. “Nopony knows it's me. Not even my own pupil.”

“Bullshit. There’s no way, nigga. They have to be humoring you.”

“Are they Anonymous? Are they?” She eyed you dangerously, before grinning. “Come on, bro! It’s time to par-tay!”

The mare walked past you, and, after standing there having your mind fucked for a few seconds, you made your way inside.

“Wow-ee Nonny!” You heard Pinkie Pie exclaim from inside. “Your house is HUGE!”

“THAT'S NOT ALL THAT'S HUGE, NIGGA!” You replied subtly as you gave the pink mare a thumbs up.

“Woah bro!” You heard Chad speak up. “This is your house? Where's your furniture?” The alicorn gave you a bewildered look. “Where do you FUCK?”

“EVERYWHERE!” You replied with a cheeky smirk.

“Nice!” She exclaimed, before you and the poorly disguised Solar Princess exchanged a high five.

It wasn't long after ‘Chad Thundercunt’, Sparklebutt, and Pinkie Pie arrived at your humble abode that a healthy amount of ponies looking to engage in drunken shenanigans flooded in.

Of course, all of them failed to see what you saw. That the frat bro that everybody seemed to know was actually the ruler of Equestria.

You were stunned and confused, but most of that faded after you drowned it with six or so drinks.

There was another knock at the front door, this one with a bit more feeling that others.

Wait, was that the bass line to “Beat It”?

Throwing on your Thriller jacket to fit the mood, you moonwalked your way over to the front door. You did a quick spin, pelvic thrusted in a random direction, before throwing open the door.

“WOAH SHAMONA~!” You greeted whoever was on the other end of the door.

“Howdy Anon!” Came the chirp of Applejack. “Are ya packin’ heat or just happy ta see me?” She asked with a cheeky smirk, pointing down towards your nethers.

“The answer should be obvious, I'm always happy to see my bros!” You boasted as your dick twitched giddily inches from the mare's face, before waving her inside. “Come on in, brodie, make yourself at home and grab a strong one!”

“Much obliged, Anon!” The farm mare flashed you a thankful grin, before brushing past you, her tail seeming to brush up your leg as she passed by.

L-lewd.

You turned to follow her inside; however, your bro senses began to tingle and stopped you midstep.

Somebody approaches.

“Anonymous, darling! Would you hold the door please!” A posh accented voice called out to you, confirming your gut feeling.

You did a 360 and began to walk away, then realized your fuck up and did another 180 to correct yourself. You spotted a familiar alabaster unicorn trotting up to your humble abode, a bottle of Grey Griffon floating magically at her side.

“I got you, fam!” You said as you propped the door open with your foot, shooting the mare a pair of thumbs ups as she closed the distance between the two of you. “What’s up, bro? Surprised to see you here, a rager doesn’t really seem like your scene.”

The mare scoffed at your words. “Anonymous, just because I’m a lady, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to ‘throw down’.” She gave you a cheeky smile. “Besides, I’m not just here to socialize, I’m also here to help Fluttershy get out of her shell.”

“Fluttershy…?” You looked about, not spotting any sign of the quiet pegasus anywhere. “I don’t see her anywhere, bro.” You said as you scanned the horizon. “Where the fuck’s she hiding?”

The unicorn twisted her head around to look for her friend.

“Now that’s strange, I thought for sure she was right here…”

You glanced around, before spotting a flash of pink and yellow inside a tree in a nearby yard.

“Is she fucking birds up there or what?”

“Hmm?” The alabaster unicorn followed your gaze and spotted the shy pegasus hiding in the trees like she was Big Boss. “FLUT-TER-SHY, GET DOWN HERE RIGHT THIS INSTANT!”

The mare didn’t budge however, which earned an annoyed growl from Rarity.

“Don’t worry bro.” A confident smirk crossed your lip as you stepped forward. “I got this.” You struck a pose, and shot your hand out towards the distant tree. “ABRA-KA-DABRA NIGGA!”

There was a flash in the distance, followed immediately by a loud pop from behind you, as Fluttershy suddenly phrased into reality and crumpled onto the ground with a quiet “oof”.

“W-wha…” The confused mare stammered out.

“It’s normal, don’t worry about it.” You said as you dismissively waved off her questioning and disoriented gaze.

“Normal..? But only unicorns can do that, and they-”

You cut her off as you pulled her onto her hooves. “Yeah, well humans can do plenty of awesome shit when they put their minds to it, bro. I’m just that fucking amazing, bitch!”

Neither Fluttershy or Rarity looked satisfied with your unhelpful responses, but that isn’t something that had ever stopped you before.

“Now Rarity, it is to my understanding that you want to help this pony here learn to have a good time here?” You asked, pointing to the still wobbly sack of yellow and pink.

The pony in question walks over to her friend, resing a hoof on her withers. “That is my plan, yes. I feel like if she would just give it a chance, she may find that she would rather enjoy an outing like this!”

For a brief moment, you mulled the idea over in your head. Would it even be worth trying to advance a character like Fluttershy?

You shrugged, not really coming up with an answer, but deciding that it would be fun to try to corrupt her a bit nonetheless.

You took a knee, and gently grasped the diminutive pegasi’s chin, forcing her to make eye contact with you, much to her chagrin. “Look nigga, you wanna be stuck living scared of your own shadow your entire life?”

“N-no…! But-”

“Then that settles it, bro!” You declared, cutting off her response as you playfully jabbed your finger into her chest fluff. “You, me, partying all night! I’m gonna fuck! You! Up!”

At that moment, Rarity stepped in, clearly about to attempt to kill your buzz.

“Anonymous, I don’t believe that we should be jumping in this fast. Perhaps we should start, I don’t know, a bit smaller?”

“N-no!” The two of jumped in shock as both you looked towards the butter yellow pegasus after her sudden outburst. You noted her eyes shining with brolike determination as she stared the two of you down. She almost immediately sank back into her shell as soon as your gaze fell upon her. “I… I mean… I think I’m ready. I need to face my fears head on.”

“You bet your ass you do, and we’re not getting anything done out here. A nigga desperately needs some booze, anyways.” You said, picking up the mare and turning to bring her into your house.

Fluttershy squeaked in surprise as you dragged her inside, while Rarity seemed to relent as she followed you into your house.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS UP, EVERYBODY!” You blurted out as your stepped through the front door. “THE DESTROYER OF CUNTS IS IN THE HOUSE!”

“NO SHIT, THIS IS YOUR HOUSE!” Hotels.com’s Captain Obvious pointed out.

“FUCK YOU!” You gave the cunt a thumbs up, before dropping Fluttershy at your side. “Come on bro, let’s go get a drink!”

“Oh… o-okay!” She responded with a mixture of excitement and fear.

You, however, were not convinced.

“Bro, I’m gonna need more feeling than that. Give me a ‘FUCK YEAH’!” You prompted the shy mare.

“F-Fuck yeah…?” She repeated your words with a questioning look.

“Nonono!” You waggled a finger in her face. “FUCK YEAH!”

“F-Fuck yeah!” She put a half effort into trying to copy you.

“FUCK YEAH!” You exclaimed, figuring it was good enough. You slung an arm around her shoulder. “Come on nigga, let’s go get that drink!”

Together, with Rarity following right behind you, the three of you navigated your way through your crowded living room, dancing to the beat of Men Without Hats ‘Safety Dance’, until you found yourself at the back of the line for the makeshift bar that your dragon sidekick was running.

Wait, why the fuck are you in line?

“COMING THROUGH! HOUSE OWNER COMING THROUGH!” You said, shoving your way through the line of now annoyed ponies who were waiting patiently to grab a drink, making sure to “accidentally” cop a feel of every mare you brushed up against. “BARB!”

“YOOOOOOOOOOO!” She hollered back at you excitedly.

“Hook me up with something that would knock out an elephant!” You ordered cooly, with a toothy grin and a pair of thumbs ups.

“Anything specific?” She eyed you with a raised bow.

“Whatever the readers imagine me drinking.” You said offhandedly.

“One break of the fourth wall, coming up!”

“Make that two, actually.” You stated without skipping a beat. “Butterfly ass here needs to get fucked up.”

“Anonymous, don’t you think that’s a bit strong for Fluttershy?” Rarity spoke up in a worried tone.

“Nope.”

The alabaster unicorn looked as if she were going to say something more, but held her tongue. She instead shifted her gaze to the young bartender. “May I get a White Russian, darling?”

“Coming right up!” Barb replied with a sing song voice.

As the young dragon went to work preparing your drinks, Rarity eyed her curiously. “Say, aren't you rather young to be behind the bar?”

Your loli sidekick paused, giving her a cocky smirk. “I'm old enough to know you're a thot.”

A toothy grin spread across her face as her words were met by an offended scoff, as well chorus of whoops and hollers from those surrounding the bar.

“You insult my honor!” Rarity cried as soon the crowd died down. “I will have you know, young miss, that I am a card carrying member of the Thot Patrol!”

“Bitch, all mares are thots!” Barb declared with a pointed finger, Japanese lettering forming behind her for some reason.

“Well, I never!” The alabaster unicorn snorted as she held up her nose to the dragon.

Your cocky sidekick giggled mischievously, before handing over her White Russian with a brolike grin. “Relax, I'm just busting your lady balls.”

Taking the drink off the bartender with her magic, she lightened up and flashed the dragon a dainty smile.

The bar side drama now over, you promptly turned your attention back to Fluttershy.

“Step one to getting fucked up, get the proper drink.” You began, peering at the still uncomfortable pegasus standing behind you. The bartender slides your drinks to you one at a time, and you hold yours up. “This shit right here? It’s fucking great.” You boasted, motioning to the cup that contained the mixture known as ‘whatever the readers imagine me drinking’.

You still don’t know why they needed to give it such a long name, or what’s in it, but dear lord is it great.

Fluttershy gave her own cup an unconvinced look, before taking a dainty sip of the mixture. Her features almost instantly. “This isn't so bad…”

“DRINK!” You prompted the pegasus, as you tilted the cup up at an extreme angle, forcing a waterfall of the strong fourth wall breaking drink down her throat.

The mare coughed and sputtered, backing away from you as she barely managed to swallow the swill down.

What a champ.

“Not too bad for a first time, bro. I’m sure we can fix this by the end of the night!” You exclaimed, roughly patting her on the back and causing her to choke some more.

“Uhm… Thanks.” She managed to say.

You slammed the table a few times, gaining Barb’s attention, “Two more, and leave the bottle!” The bartender obliged, quickly pouring two more drinks and sliding them along with the bottle over to you. You passed one over to your shy bro, who thanked you with a grateful grin, before you downed your drink in one go.

“So, uh… what do we do now…?” Fluttershy asked you curiously, taking a sip of her drink, this time with a bit more confidence.

“It's simple brah, we bro down. Lemme show you how it's done.” You looked about, searching for one of your bros hidden amongst the crowd. Finally, you spotted Big Mac hang out in a random corner of the room, chatting up a couple thotties.

Perfect.

You waltzed over to your McDonald’s product placement bro, your two followers in tow.

As soon as you came within spitting distance of the red farm pony, he spotted you approaching, and flashed you a toothy grin.

“Anon, ya sunava bitch!”

The two of you closed the distance between you. You reached out to your bro, an action he mirrored. As soon as his hoof was within reach, you grasped it and pulled in him in, squeezing it with all your strength. Your muscles flexed and hardened in the dim light as he returned your grip, somehow, completing the “epic arm wrestling handshake” ritual.

You still weren't really sure how hooves worked.

The mares surrounding you mired’ your bulging muscles as the stallions in your vicinity looked on in collective jealousy, knowing none of them could experience anything on the level of the bromance that you and Big Mac shared.

“Bro, I need to engage in some philosophical debate with you right now. You mind?” You inquired, still holding the hand shake.

Big Mac raised a brow at your question, before glanced over at the two female members of your party. A look of understanding crossed his face.

“Eenope!”

“FUCK YEAH BRODIE! THAT’S WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT!” You pulled your bro into a quick brohug, which he was all too happy to reciprocate. “LET’S GO FIND A PLACE TO KICK IT!”

Once more going on the search, you spotted a surprisingly unoccupied couch with your name on it across the room from you. Not letting an opportunity go to waste, you made a beeline for it and plopped down on the seat, letting the cushy softness envelope your body. Big Mac, Fluttershy, and Rarity took their positions at your side.

“Alright nigga, look. For the sake of our company, we can agree that the booty is the greatest, most important thing in existence, right bro?” You asked the large red stallion, taking a casual sip of your drink.

He gave you a questioning look. “Iunno Anon... what about apples, n’ family?”

“Brodie, are you fucking memeing on me?” You gave him a condescending look.

He cracked a smile at your dismay. “Ah’m jokin’.” He eyed your drink thirstily. You noted his lack of booze, and, being the bro that you are, grabbed a can of cider from a conveniently placed cooler and tossed it to him. He gave you a thankful smile, before popping it open with his teeth and taking a swig from it.

You finished off your drink, before tossing the cup aside (which promptly exploded off screen). You eyed the two mares sitting beside you, who were watching you intently. You looked back towards your bro. “Cool, cool, then who has a better ass, Princess Celestia, or Luna?”

You noted a look of shock cross Fluttershy’s face out of the corner of your eye.

He took a moment to ponder your inquiry, scratching his scruffy chin with his hoof. “Ah’m gonna have to go with Luna.”

“THAT’S FUCKING BULLSHIT AND YOU KNOW IT!” You suddenly lurched forward, getting in your bro’s face as you stared daggers into his soul. “CELESTIA HAS A MUCH BETTER ASS THAN LUNA!”

Big Mac shook his head. “Luna’s got better proportions, less fat.”

“BETTER PROPORTIONS? LESS FAT?” You looked towards your audience as you waved dramatically at your bro as if you were an offended Italian. “CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS GUY?!” You pointed in their direction. “Celestia, or Luna? Who’s got the better ass?”

“H-huh?!” Fluttershy blurted out in shock, her cheeks turning an even darker shade of crimson than they already were.

“It’s a pretty simple question, darling.” Rarity nudged her reassuringly, before eyeing you. “Personally, I would have to agree with Anonymous here. Celestia’s regal posterior is more shapely and pleasant to look at than her sister’s.”

“R-Rarity, y-you-!”

“My nigga!” You interrupted the stammering pegasus, before offering the alabaster unicorn a high five. She left you hanging for a second as she regarded you carefully, before giving you a pleasant smile and slapping her hoof down on your offered palm.

Big Mac shook his head in disgust. “Ah expected better from ya, Rarity.” He turned his attention to the butter yellow pegasus. “Ya think Luna has the better ass, right?”

“Well-”

You shot the stallion a smirk. “NIGGA, YOU WILIN’. BUTTERFLY HERE TAKES AFTER ME.” You stood up and posed dramatically at the stallion. “She knows that CELESTIA, not LUNA, has the best ass!”

“C-Can I-I-” Fluttershy began to speak up, growing more flustered.

“Brah, of course she thinks Celestia has the best ass. She’s tutored by a brodie of good taste.” A new, feminine voice slurred out.

!

You turned to face the new voice, spotting Lyra stumbling towards your couch, shakily holding a red solo cup with her telekinesis.

“AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!” You greeted your female bro, shooting her a pair of finger guns.

“AYYYYYYYY*HICCUP*YYYYYYY!” She responded, trying to replicate your finger guns, only to realize moments later that she had hooves. She shrugged, downed the rest of her drink, tossed the cup aside, and plopped into your lap, straddling you in a very l-lewd manner.

“This is lewd.” You pointed out the obvious.

Lyra flashed you a sultry smile as she made herself at home on your lap. “It's a party bro, nopony gives a fuck!”

“Gay.” You commented on the situation.

You heard a girlish giggle emanate from Rarity’s direction. “I must say, Anon, green suits you rather well.”

“Fuck yeah it does!” The mint green unicorn in your lap boasted proudly.

“Double gay.” You smirked as you eyed the aquamarine unicorn. "Though nigga, I gotta say, it is a good look."

"Y-you too~!" Lyra responded to your compliment.

“G-guys!” Fluttershy squeaked out what you assumed was her version of a shout.

Oh yeah, she exists.

“What's really good, bitch?” You inquired, giving her your full attention.

“Is Princess Cadance an acceptable answer?” She asked, her face turning a deep shade of dark crimson as she twiddled her hooves, embarrassed.

“Cadance? Bro, you think Cadance has a better ass than Celestia or Luna?” You asked, genuinely confused.

“Y-yes?” She responded with a question for some reason.

“You don’t seem very sure, dude.” Lyra pointed out the obvious.

“No, I’m sure.” Fluttershy responded, suprisingly resolutele, as she pulled a bright pink smartphone seemingly out of nowhere. “Here, I have pictures…”

?

Pictures?

You grabbed the phone from Fluttershy’s hooves and held it up to your face.

You were greeted by the sight of a creep shot of all three of the mentioned princesses from behind.

!

“HOLY SHIT!” You blurted out in shock.

“Dude, what the fuck?” Lyra rubbed her ears in annoyance, having just had her ear drum blown out by your outburst, before adjusting herself to try and get a better view of Fluttershy’s phone. Her eyes widened in shock. “DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK?!”

Big Mac peaked over your shoulder to see what the commotion was. He blinked in response. “Eeyup. That makes sense.”

“Let me see!” Rarity blurted out, moving closer to you to try and get a view of whatever you were all freaking out about. You turned the phone screen towards her to help her out. Rarity gasped in shock, her jaw dropping as she looked back towards her diminutive friend. “Fluttershy, I’m shocked!”

“Hi shocked, nice to meet you.” You said with a stupid grin.

Rarity shot you an unamused grin, before giving Fluttershy her attention once more. “Where did you get these?”

“I took them.” The butter yellow pegasus responded as she sank into the couch.

“Why in Celestia’s name would you take indiscrete photos of the princesses?”

She shrugged. “Well, I was bored… and Anon asked me to.”

“AND SHE ACTUALLY DID IT, THE ABSOLUTE MADWOMAN!” You exclaimed, before you and Fluttershy exchanged a high five.

After exchanging said high five, the butter yellow pegasus turned her attention back to you. “Cadance is the Princess of Love, so, she naturally has the best flank, wouldn’t you say so?”

“FUCK NO! CELESTIA HAS THE BEST ASS OF THE THREE!” You responded, looking at her with disdain. “She has the perfect balance of fat and muscle. She’s thicc, bro!”

“Damn right!” A new voice chimed in. You looked towards the source of the voice, spotting Celestia pimp-striding over to you. “Celestia’s ass is where it’s at, BRO!”

“See?” Lyra motioned over to the white alicorn standing before you. “Chad knows what’s up.”

“Dude, that IS Celestia!” You gestured dramatically towards the poorly disguised princess. “How the FUCK do none of you see that?!”

“What are you talking about, Anon?” Fluttershy looked at you as if you were crazy.

“Anon, don’t be crazy.” Big Mac chimed in. “Why in Sam Hill would Celestia come to yer party?”

“Heh, you said ‘come’.” You giggled to yourself, before remembering the topic. “HEY, DON’T TRY AND CHANGE THE SUBJECT. I’m telling you guys, that’s Celestia!”

“Sure Anonymous, whatever you say, darling.” Rarity gave you a pleasant smile. “Maybe you should go get some water, I think you’ve had a tad too much to drink.”

REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-

“But yeah, anyways bros, Anon’s craziness aside, I’m totally not Princess Celestia.” She reassured your friends, giving you a subtle wink. “I do have her flanks though! Check it brodies!”

She twirled around in a surprisingly feminine manner, as she shook her flanks and showed off her goods to her audience. You and your party clapped politely, as if you were in a golfing championship. You threw some loose change in the poorly disguised princess’s direction, knowing the importance of tipping culture.

She turned back around, shot you a gracious smile, and bowed before you.

“Well… I guess maybe Celestia has the best ass.” Fluttershy admitted.

“Meh, Luna’s is still better.” Big Mac said, taking a casual drink of his cider as he watched the spectacle before him.

“I’m sure my sis- I MEAN, Princess Luna would appreciate that, bro.” She gave the red stallion a pleasant smile, before turning her attention to you. “Say bro, I haven’t got any bro down time in with the host. Wanna you hang out with me for a bit?”

“WOULD I!” You exclaimed, your eye still on her deliciously E X T R A T H I C C flanks. You pushed Lyra off you in a very gentlemanly fashion before turning back to your bros, assuming the Kamen Rider pose. “CATCH YOU ON THE FLIP, FAGGOTS!”

“W-wait!” Fluttershy squeaked out. “What about my lesson in broship?”

“You're fiiiiiiiine~” You reassured her in a sing song voice, flashing her the “You're pretty good” hand gesture. “I'll come back for your ass later, nigga.”

“But-!”

“BYE NIGGA!” With that, you did a 360 and moonwalked away with ‘Chad Thundercunt’.

“GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!” You, Celestia, and a bunch of random ponies chanted in unison as you all grouped around the flatscreen TV you brought over while nobody was looking.

On the TV was a shitty reality dating show, the type that only single at home MILF’s and sixteen year olds watch. The program was hosted in a random Starbucks (a chain that didn’t have to legally renamed to a horse pun due to the word ‘buck’), where some spergy looking nerd horse was talking to some chick way out of his league.

“CHOKE! YOU FAGGOT!” You screamed at the TV, throwing an empty can of beer at it, much to the disappointment of the television community.

You watched as a drop of sweat rolled the diminutive stallion’s cheek in crystal clear HD, as he opened his mouth to speak.

“S-so… u-uh, d-do you watch anime?” The cuck, who your gut told you was named Mike for some reason, stammered out his question, not even being able to look the mare before him in the eyes.

“Anime?” She blinked in confusion.

“HAHAHAHAHA YOU FUCKING VIRGIN!” You jeered at the television, before you started to chugging down another can of piss so you could have another empty can to throw.

“Well, yeah! I love anime!” The mare gave him a sweet smile.

You did a spit take, spitting a mouthful of beer all over the nearest pony, much to their displeasure. “NANI?!”

“What anime do you like?” The hottie asked.

“U-uh, I’ve been watching a lot K-on here lately.” He answered, his voice betrayed the newly found confident spark in his eyes.

“Like, ironically?” The mare raised an eyebrow at his answer.

“H-huh?”

The hottie snorted in amusement, as she hopped out of her chair. “Sorry cuckold, I only date Chad's who watch superior Taiwanese little girl cartoons like Evangelion, not beta virgins who watch moe shit.”

“GOT EM!” Celestia blurted out, as the small crowd surrounding the TV began to cheer and whoop.

“GET FUCKED!” You exclaimed, as you threw another empty tinnie at your flatscreen.

With that out of the way, you put on some House MD, kicked back, and relaxed.

“I wonder if it's actually going to be Lupis this time?” ‘Chad’ wondered aloud, as she took a drink from her beer.

“Nah, I think this is the episode where Samus comes in with a bad case of herpes.” You responded to her curiousity.

“Aw fuck, I love this fucking episode!” The princess exclaimed, her eyes lighting up as she leaned forward towards the TV in interest

The two of you sat there in silence, watching one of the greatest shows known to man with a small group of kino appreciating ponies in the middle of this absolutely wilin’ rager.

A good half an hour later, as the episode came to a close and the credits began to roll, you glanced about the room to find something interesting to do next.

As you searched, you spotted Applejack, who was standing about ten feet away from you, chatting away with that rainbow haired dyke and Panki Pi. Her glorious, perfectly proportioned ass was facing your way, a view you appreciated with a quiet “unf”.

GOD DAMN! What an ass!

The Fonz was truly a kind God, having gifted you and this world with such a perfect ass. Praise be His name!

As you admired AJ’s ass, an idea formed in your head. A cocky smirk spread across your face as you eyed the princess sitting at your side.

“Hey bro?”

“Sup broham?” Came the response of Celestia.

You fished a small handful of quarters out of your pants, and pointed in the general direction of Big Mac’s big booty toting sister. “How much you wanna bet I can make these bounce off Applejack’s ass, brah?”

The poorly disguised princess regarded you with an amused look. She took a swig of her beer, before pulling a decently sized bag of bits seemingly out of nowhere, dangling it in front of you. “I'll take that bet, on one condition.”

“What fucking condition?” You eyed the white alicorn suspiciously.

Her facial features suddenly darkened. “Anonymous, you must bet your soul.”

“Hmmph!” You huffed as you tipped your visored cap and manned the fuck up. "I bet... MY SOUL!"

Celestia cracked a smirk as she watched you pose before her. “Show me what you got, broseidon!”

You nodded, a confidence smile spreading across your cheek as you tossed one of the quarters up in the air. You reached out and caught it, before extending out your arm, taking aim at Applejack’s perfectly toned flanks.

Steady…

Steady…

STEADY!

Once you felt in your gut that you had your shot lined up perfectly, you gave the quarter a good flick and wanted it fly towards the stetson toting mare. The coin arched over the crowd between you and your desired target, before gravity kicked in. The quarter fell, and struck its target, bouncing a good three feet in the air before it crashed on the ground beside Applejack.

“Hwat in tarnation?!” You heard her react, as she looked down and spotted the quarter lying beside her. She looked around, searching the crowd for whoever was responsible for this grave injustice, before her eyes fell upon you.

You shot her a shit eating grin as you waved to her. She returned the wave, giving you a knowing look before returning back to what she was doing.

You took a moment to admire her ass from afar, before turning your attention back to the princess, striking a pose. “NIGGA, I TOLD YOU!”

“Bro, you said you were going to bounce all of them off her ass.” She gave you a smirk.

“Meh.” You shrugged. “The writer’s are too fucking lazy, let’s just pretend there was only one quarter.”

“Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... fuck it, here you go, brodie.” ‘Chad’ responded, mimicking your shrug as she tossed you her oversized bit sack.

“FUCK YEAH, MONEY!” You cheered, as you examined the sack with a Jewish gleam in your eye.

Wait, why does this bit sack smell like vaginal fluid and strawberries?

Eh, fuck it.

You threw your newly acquired money into the fifth dimension, before jumping up from the couch. “COME ON NIGGA, WE GOT SHIT TO DO.”

After some brief exposition, you found yourself moonwalking with ‘Chad Thundercunt’ through your house. Where you were going, nobody knew, not even you.

Not like you gave a fuck.

“You know Anonymous, nobody will ever believe you~” Celestia’s regal voice teased you as she moonwalked with you.

You paused to do a spin, let out a short “HEEEEEEEEEEEEE”, and pelvic thrust at a random mare in the crowd, before catching back out. “That's what Bill Murray said when he stole my fucking french fries, NOW LOOK AT HIM!” You declared, motioning to a random spot in the room.

The alicorn looked where you were pointing, spotting a well aged Bill Murray joking with a couple of giggling mares. “He looks like he's just having a good time.”

“He is, BUT NOW HIS DEEPEST, DARKEST SECRET HAS BEEN REVEALED!”

“That he stole your fries?” The poorly disguised princess gave you a confused look.

“...YES!”

An amused giggle escaped Celestia’s lips. “You're a bit of an oddball, Anonymous.”

“I get that a lot.” You shrugged off her comment with a shrug.

A mischievous grin spread across the princess’s lips as she stopped in her tracks. “Say, shall we go mess around with my pupil?” She suggested as she pointed out the Princess of Spanking’s out across the room, awkwardly chugging away at a forty. “Despite her new, rather entertaining party girl phase, she doesn't exactly fit in.”

“HAHAHAHAHA!” You laughed at the sad truth. “Yeah, let’s go bust her lady balls.”

“Ladies don’t have balls, Anonymous.” Celestia pointed out.

“Tell that to Tumblr.”

You began to pimp stride your way over to the purple alicorn, ‘Chad Thundercunt’ copying your moves as she trotted beside you.

As you closed the distance between the two of you, Sparklebutt noticed you coming your way. She quickly drank down the rest of her drink, only to choke on it as the foul liquid ran down her throat. She waved you over as she tried to hack up a lung.

The two of you politely waited for Princess of Spankings to regain her composure, as it would be rather unbro to not do so.

“HERE BRO, DRINK THIS!” You suddenly got impatient and jump into action, handing the mare a red solo cup filled with clear liquid. She flashed you a grateful smile and took it off you, taking a quick gulp to hopefully drown her coughing fit.

She immediately spat it out.

“Anon, what is this?!” She looked at you, her eyes widening with shock.

“Mango Barcardi mixed with Everclear.”

“Why would you- I thought this was water!” She gave you an annoyed glare.

You shot her a smirk. “Hey, it stopped you from hacking up a lung, didn't it?”

“I-” She paused, realizing that you were right. “I suppose you're right.”

“FUCK YEAH I AM!” You boasted, before extending your fist out to the mare. “Pound it, bro!”

Sparklebutt took a second to register what was going on, before eagerly bumping her hoof against your fist, completing the brofist ritual. She shot you a sultry look. “You know, I have something that you can pound, Anon~”

“Nyohoho~!” Celestia nyohoho’d in response to her protege’s lewdness. She wrapped a hoof around your shoulder and eyed the mare amusedly. “When did you get so lewd, bro?”

Twilight shrugged. “I learned from the best.” She answered, giving you a dirty look.

“Woot!” You cheered, holding your drink up in the air. “Here's to being a terrible influence!”

“Cheers, I'll drink to that, bro!” ‘Chad’ mirrored you, holding up what appeared to be a bottle of ranch towards the sky.

“Here here!” Sparklebutt joined in, clinking her empty plastic solo cup against yours in an effort to fit in. You were polite enough to magically refill her drink when nobody was looking.

Everyone tossed back their respective drinks. You relished in the burn as your harsh mixture made it’s way down your throat.

“I’M WALKING ON SUNSHINE! WOOOOAAAAAAAH!” You declared as you crushed your cup in your hand and threw it off in a random direction (the cup surprisingly remained intact offscreen). After getting your rampant autism under control, you fished out your trusty emergency flask from your pocket, took a swig of the cheap vodka contained within, and turned your attention to the purple alicorn. “You enjoying yourself, Sparklebutt? You’re not planning on calling the Guard on us this time around, are you?” You teased the mare with a smirk as you busted her metaphorical balls.

She shook her head. “Don't be silly, Anonymous. I wouldn't be a very good ‘Princess of Friendship’ if I didn't let ponies have fun.”

...Huh.

You found yourself suddenly missing the days when the Princess of Spankings would get angry when you called her by her pet name and when you teased her about her serious business ways.

Sure, butting heads with Sparkebutt could get irritating, but it was fun as hell.

It was pretty cash that Twilight had seemingly accepted broship into her life, albeit in her own awkward way, but… it just wasn’t the same as when you first met the nerdy, friendship fetishist.

Feels bad man.

“Hey bro, you cool?”

“Huh?” You blinked, looking up at the two mares as the voice of ‘Chad Thundercunt’ shook you from your thoughts.

“You've been looking into your flask with a thousand yard stare for the past three minutes.” Twilight threw in, as she reached out to you, placing a comforting hoof on your shoulder. “Is something the matter?”

“Nah bro, I’m fine!” You waved off their concerns as you shot them a reassuring grin. “Just got lost in my thoughts, that’s all.”

The two alicorns traded looks, unconvinced. Twilight eyed you, the worry evident in her eyes. “Do you want to take a break and talk about it?”

You took a moment to think over her offer, then shook your head. “Nah. It's not important.” You took a long swig from your flask, and eyed the two ponies dangerously. “What's important is what I'm going to do.”

“Oh yeah?” Celestia raised a brow at you. “What's the next step of your master plan?”

“I'm going to crash my liver, with no survivors!” You boasted proudly as you struck a pose.

“That sounds… extremely unpleasant.” Twilight commented with a grimace.

“FOR YOU.” You responded cheekily as you flexed for the sake of fanservice. Utilizing your newfound OP magical abilities, you summoned a handle of chilled Smirnoff, ripped off the cap, and arched back as you took a long swig from it.

Swallowing down the cheap-ish vodka, you relished in the feeling of the cool burn as it made it’s way down your throat. There was simply nothing better than the sensation of freezer stored vodka travelling down to your esophagus.

Well, with the exception of the booty.

Nothing’s better than the booty.

Nothing.

You took a breath as you offered the handle over to your two companions. ‘Chad’ was eager to take you up on your offer, grabbing the bottle off of you with her magic, and more or less shoving it down her throat as she forced down the harsh liquid. After a moment, she swallowed and handed the bottle back to you, managing to keep composure.

“Beat that, brah.” The poorly disguised princess challenged you with a cocky smirk.

This bitch. Does she really think she can best you in the sport of drink?

Time to put this cunt in her place.

“IT’S ON LIKE SAIGON, MOTHER FUCKER!” You proclaimed as you manned the fuck up.