You screeched to a halt as your reached your destination, your skirt flapping delicately in the breeze as you stood before the tournament.

It was here that you overcome the odds, make a quick buck, avenge your bloodline, and get showered in mare pussy after the fact.

You assumed the CIA stance as you took it all in, the hastily put together arena reminder you of something out of Mad Max.

Hell. Now that you think about it, this place looks like the Thunderdome.

“You ready to kick some ass, lil homie?” You asked the dragon loli who was getting /comfy/ up on your shoulders.

“Nigga, a real bro is always ready to lay down the law.”

“THE LAWR?!” You repeated after her with the voice of a stroke victim.

“THE LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWR!”

“THE LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWR?!” A third, more posh voice chimed in.

?

“WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?!” You demanded as turned towards the source of the voice. Before you stood your fellow /fa/ggot, Rarity, dressed up in an over stylized sundress and hat, looking up at you with a pleasant grin.

“Hello darling!” She chirped, before giving a quick once over. “I must say, dear Anonymous, this outfit surprisingly fits you pretty well. Though, I must say, that skirt is just a tad too short.”

You glanced down, nothing that your schlong was visibly sticking out from underneath your extremely short mini skirt.

“Bitch please! I love to feel the breeze between my knees, this is the perfect length.” You said as you puffed out your chest.

“Well, I do suppose it is rather easy on the eyes.” She commented with a cheeky smile. “So, what’s the reasoning behind your outfit? Planning on giving Big Macintosh a run for his bits?”

You scratched your chin as you thought over why you were in a schoolgirl outfit.

“You know what? I don’t remember.”

As soon as these words left your mouth, you ripped off your outfit as if it were tissue paper, leaving only a leopard print banana hammock.

Fuck yeah.

Rarity, however, was unimpressed by your attire. “Anonymous… leopard print is a Summer colour.” She pointed out, being so prim and proper that ‘color’ is spelt ‘colour’ in her case. “Anybody with any fashion sense would know that snow tiger is the correct choice in the Winter.”

The mare’s criticism struck directly at your ego. You looked upon the mare with a harsh glare. “Bro, I’m a contrarian. I wear Summer colors during the Winter because it’s ironic.” You struck a pose as you shoved a finger into the alabaster unicorn’s face. “YOU are small time!”

Rarity shrugged off your assertion. “If you say so, Anonymous. However, did you notice I’m wearing a sundress in the middle of Winter?”

!

SHE IS!

“I, too, am embracing contrarian fashion trends.” She explained, before a sly grin spread across her face. “If you’re unable to pick up on this, dear Anonymous, it must be YOU who is the small time one here!”

DAMMIT!

SHE GOT YOU!

“OH MYYYY GOOOOOOOOD!” You did your best old Joseph Joestar impression, clutching your head as you realized that you have lost this battle of wits.

?

“Wait,” you regained your culture as you looked down at the mare with a questioning look. “The fuck are you doing here, bro? This doesn't exactly strike me as something you'd be interested in.”

“Do you think all I'm interested in is designing dresses and attending galas, dear Anonymous?” She gave you a sly smile. “I'll have you know I personally participate in monster truck rallies as a hobby.”

“Damn bro, that's pretty fucking cash.” You said, genuinely impressed.

“Monster trucks are pretty gangster.” Barb reminded the readers of her existence in this chapter.

“Yes, they are rather ‘gangster’.” Rarity nodded in agreement. “But to answer your question, other than entertainment, I'm here to socialize and cheer on my friends who are participating in the tournament.”

“Bitchin’, I'll be sure to put on a good show for you.” You promised the mare, giving her a thumbs up that would make the Fonz proud.

“I’m sure you will, dear Anonymous.” She gave you a smile, before motioning towards the tournament grounds. “Well, enough socialization, I do believe you need to get going. Farewell, Mr Destroyer of Cunts.”

“Peace bro!” You said your goodbyes to the mare.

“BYE LADY!” Barbie waved excitedly at her as she trotted away from the two of you.

A few feet away, Rarity came to a sudden stop, and looked back to you. “I should warn you, Anonymous, Applejack and Rainbow Dash are a lot stronger than they look. Same with Applebloom and Big Mac. I can only imagine those minotaurs are no pushovers, either. I know you’re pretty confident in your abilities, but please, do not underestimate your opponents.”

“Thanks for the tip, bro!” You gave the mare an appreciative thumbs up and a toothy grin. “See you round, homie.”

“Ta ta~!” She waved good bye, before continuing on her way.

You mired Rarity’s flanks as she trotted away, biting your lower lip as you did so. Her ass wasn’t quite as tight as Applejack’s, but damn, did that unicorn take care of herself.

Wait, what was that about not underestimating your opponents? That’s some gay nigga shit.

You’re mother fucking Anonymous, Destroyer of Cunts. You’re going to absolute decimate the competition.

But first…

You glanced down at your attire, realizing that you weren’t stylin’ enough. Upon examining your dragon sidekick, she didn’t look about ready to dazzle anybody anytime soon either.

Time to shake some things up.

A short time later while, the Intercontinental Champion Macho Man fucking Randy Savage walked out before the hastily constructed Thunderdome, the crowd surrounding the tournament grounds stomping their hooves and cheering wildly. Randy Savage waved in random directions in an exceedingly macho manner to show his appreciation to his adoring fans, before he brought up his mic to his face.

Only the toss it aside, because only pussies need microphones.

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” He declared as he flexed before the crowd. “LET ME HEAR YOU GO WILD! I WANT YOU ALL TO FREAK OUT!”

The crowd went absolutely ballistic at his word. A proud smile crossed his lips as he watched the crowds go insane. He adjusted his extremely stylish sunglasses, struck a pose, and continued.

“TODAY, TODAY MACHO MANIACS, IS A LOVELY DAY! AN ABSOLUTELY LOVELY DAY! A MACHO DAY!”

He motioned to his left, where a certain pair of mares, one orange, and one looking like the embodiment of a pride parade. “HERE, TO MY LEFT, OR YOUR RIGHT, DEPENDING ON YOUR VIEW ON LIFE, IS A PAIR OF MARES WHO NEED NO INTRODUCTION. APPLEJACK, AND RAINBOW DASH, THE CURRENT STANDING BROTHERHOOVES SOCIAL CHAMPIONS, AND THE MOST LIKELY CONTENDERS FOR THE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP, ACCORDING TO THE BETTING ODDS! YEAH!

The crowd politely cheered for the two mares as they waved to the crowd and genuflected before them.

The standing Intercontinental Champion gave them an approving look, before looking to his right, and motioned in your direction as the story returned to your perspective.

You walked stylishly out from the shadows where you previously hid, Barb pimp striding alongside you.

“HERE, WE HAVE ANOTHER SET OF CONTENDERS FOR THE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP. MR ANONYMOUS, DESTROYER OF CUNTS, AND FAITHFUL SIDEKICK, BARBIE!”

You stood before the crowd and adjusted your GAR shades, before posing confidently before the crowd and your opponents, showing off your new duds in the process.

You were dressed up like the Fist of the North Star, your Mad Max esque biker outfit gleaming in the sunlight as you flexed for the cheering crowd.

You spared your opponents a glance, before flexing so hard that the size of your muscles.shredded your leather top to pieces.

You brushed off the remains of your jacket, before pointing menacingly at the two mares.

“YOU ARE SMALL TIME!”

“MORTAL KOMBAT!” Barb declared, who was dressed up like Johnny Cage for some reason.

A smirk broke out across your face as you stared them down, awaiting their reaction.

However, much to your shock, the two mares you were staring down returned your confident smirk.

N-nani?!

The two mares said nothing, only continued to meet your gaze as you stared them down.

You had to ask yourself, could ponies not wearing clothes have something hidden up their non-existent sleeves, and, if so, what do they have planned?

Really activates the almonds.

Pondering what their move could be, you came to the realization that to counter whatever this plan was, you had to catch them off guard.

You knew what you had to do…

“ROUND ONE!” Macho Man Randy Savage announced, pausing dramatically for a short moment before making a karate chop motion. “FIGHT!”

Without skipping a beat, you reached down and grabbed your sidekick. With perfect footballer form, you raised Barb up in the air and tossed her towards your two opponents.

“BARB, GO LONG!” You screamed after her as she flew threw the air at mach 5 towards the two mares who were now staring at you with dumbfounded expressions.

“WHOOP-E-DOOP-E-DOOP-E-DOO!” She bellowed as she twisted around in the air, her foot colliding with Rainbow Dash’s face at high speeds with a sickening crack.

The walking pride parade fell to the ground immediately, knocked out cold.

“HWAT IN TARNATION?!” Applejack jumped back just in time to dodge a follow up rider kick from your ruby scaled loli dragon sidekick.

“GET OVER HERE!” Barb blurted out a Scorpion quote as she ignored the fact she dressed up like Johnny Cage, before using her momentum to spin around and punch the orange earth mare right in the jaw.

However, much to the shock of your partner, Applejack took the punch, and pushed forward with an attack of her own, headbutting the poor Johnny Cage loli without mercy. Barb, caught off guard, was hit head (hah) on, being sent flying back towards where Rainbow Dash lay passed out. She fell down to earth and landed right on top of the rainbow maned mare, now also being out cold.

“JOHNNY!” You fell to the knees as you mourned the loss of your comrade. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

!

You dodge rolled backwards just in time to avoid a roundhouse kick from Big Mac’s big booty toting sister. You jumped up to your feet and assumed a fighting stance.

“My bro’s death shall not be in vain! I will defeat you!” You promised Applejack in an engrish accent.

“Actually, I’m not dead, nigga! Just taking a nap!” You heard your sidekick speak up from her position on top of the living embodiment of a pride parade.

You ignored that, knowing damn well it was a trick of the enemy’s stand to lure you into a false sense of security so she may get the best of you.

“GET OUT OF MY HEAD, CHARLES!” You screamed to the heavens as you gripped the sides of your head.

“HEADS UP!”

!

You felt something soft yet firm collide with the side of your head, the momentum of whatever that hit you sending you flying.

“THAT WAS A PRETTY CLEVER PUN!” You blurted out as you flew through the air.

You landed a solid twenty feet away from where you were standing previously, and realized that while you were in the middle of shitposting, your opponent took an opportunity to strike, kicking you with all her strength.

If you weren’t OP as fuck, you would probably be in the same state as Barb and Rainbow.

You saw Applejack sprinting towards you as you groggily sat up, rubbing your aching head. You were hardly one to give up so easily, however.

You shook off the agonizing pain that was consuming you, and jumped up from the ground, ready to fight.

“IT’S ON, MOTHER FUCKER!”

As soon as the apple obsessed mare was within arm’s reach, you struck out with a simple punch.

However, as you struck out at Applejack, she too launched a punch at you.

With near perfect timing, your blows hit their targets, as the two of you punched each other right in the face.

With that last strike, everything faded to black, as you fell to the ground face first, knocked the fuck out. However, your opponent landed at your side, also being in the same state of KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT as you were.

“NANI?!” Lyra blurted out from the stands.

“Huh.” Even Macho Man Randy Savage was surprised. “WELL, IT’S LOOKS LIKE BOTH TEAMS BEEN KO’D WITH NO TRUE WINNER. LOOKS LIKE NEITHER THE REIGNING CHAMPS NOR THE PROMISING UNDERDOGS WILL BE TAKING THE TITLE OF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONS THIS YEAR!”

The audience went into an uproar as a group of medics trotted out and clear your unconscious bodies from the tournament grounds.

Not even overpowered Gary Stu’s are immune from bad ends.

“FUCK!” You overreacted to the pain of a rather cute nurse mare applying some disinfectant to the wounds you acquired during the fight.

After coming to, you found yourself in a medical tent with Applejack, Barb, and Rainbow Dash, being attended to by a crack team of Redbull sponsored medics.

“Quit bein’ be such a baby, Anon.” Applejack teased from the makeshift bed that sat across from you, who was busy nursing a rapidly swelling black eye with an ice pack. “Ya guys put up a pretty good fight. Ah honestly didn’t expect ya’ll to put up the fight ya ended up givin’ us.”

“Puh-lease!” The rainbow maned mare spoke up from the bed beside hers. “We would’ve had that in the bag if it weren’t for that BS move you started with! Who throws a dragon, honestly?!”

“You’re just upset because you’re supposed to be the fastest mare in Equestria, and you can’t dodge a projectile dragon loli, nigga!” Your sidekick pointed out with a smug smirk, one of her eyes being covered up by an eyepatch (which are moe as fuck).

“Anon!”

!

Your head shot towards the source of the voice, and you spotted Lyra walking into the medical tent, carrying an extra large bit sack with her magic.

“Guess who cleaned house, bro!” She proudly boasted as she set the bits in front of you, before sitting before you like a dog. “This nigga!”

“Dafuq?” You blinked, genuinely confused by this plot twist. “How the fuck did you win anything? Neither of us won.”

“Simple. I knew the writers would probably force out some anti-climatic bullshit since they’ve been stuck on this storyline for almost two years, so I betted on both teams knocking each other out.” She revealed all of this with a knowing, toothy grin.

“Huh, that explains a lot, honestly.” You accepted her fourth wall breaking with open arms.

“It does, tee bee ech.” The aquamarine pony agreed with a nod.

With the obligatory fourth wall breaking out of the way, you jumped off of the bed and grabbed the sack of bits from your bottom bitch.

“SIR! PLEASE SIT DOWN, WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET!” A medical pony begged you as you began to make your way towards the exit.

“FUCK YOU BITCH, I’M RICH!” You wrote her off as a pair of sunglasses materialized on your face as you walked out of the tent with your mismatched family.

With that, you and your groups skipped off into the sunset, with the camera being blinded by an intense lense flair as it faded to black.

“Anon… get up, Anon…”

?

Your eyes reluctantly fluttered open, as somebody (who for some reason sounded like Christopher Nolan’s Batman) gently shook you awake, rudely interrupting this kickass dream you were having about spitroasting a mermaid with T-Pain.

You thought mermaid’s didn’t have vaginas, but you were glad this one did.

As your eyes adjusted to the darkness you found yourself in, you opened your mouth to tell whoever thought it was a good idea to wake you up.

...only to have a hoof shoved into your mouth to stop you from doing so.

!

“Don’t. Speak.” The voice ordered you through a hushed, harsh tone. You struggled to get a look at whoever this mystery asshole was, but they were dressed in an all black morphsuit (that was complimented by a pretty stylish looking cape and hat, you noted) that completely concealed their identity.

“...furrrrck yrrrou…” You made your contempt known through the pony’s hoof.

Honestly, who goes around shoving their hooves into people’s mouths? Do they know where their hooves have been? They could’ve stepped in dog shit or something.

Yuck.

The pony ignored your struggling, as they peered down at you. “Anonymous, you are in terrible danger.”

!

Suddenly realizing that this pony might be an assassin hired by DIO, you bit down on the hoof that was occupying your mouth. A surprisingly feminine gasp escaped the masked mare’s mouth as she backed up defensively.

You jumped up to your feet and took up a fight pose, ready to put a motherfucker in the ground.

“Wait-!” The pony raised her hoof up to you, signalling you to stop. “I’m not here to fight you.” She looked over to the nearby bed, and motioned to the still, sleeping form of Lyra. “Keep it down… we don’t want to wake her.”

You raised a brow at the mare’s words, but did not yield. “What do you mean I’m in terrible danger, brah?” You shot back at the mare, speaking in the same hushed whisper as her.

The masked mare walked slowly towards you. “There are powerful organizations that have taken notice of you, of your magical abilities, and your ability to remember.” She looked around suspiciously, before continuing. “You are the key to something much larger than you could ever imagine.”

“...a key to what?” You questioned the mare’s vagueness.

“You will find out soon enough... “

You crossed your arms as you stared her down with an unconvinced look. “Nigga, why should I even trust you?”

The masked pony began to back away from you, making her way over to an open window on the opposite side of the room. “I’m a bro.” She responded, continuing to be vague. She paused, before turning around and making a beeline for the window.

“Wait!” You called out to her as quietly as possible, prompting to mare to stop as she was halfway through your bedroom window.

“Yes?”

“If I took off that mask, would you die?” You asked, completely serious.

“It would be extremely painful.” She answered appropriately, before jumping out of the window, and disappearing into the night.

“For you…” You said to yourself.

…

…

…

You’re going back to bed. Fucking ponies and their vague warnings of coming dangers.

You really ought to lock your bedroom window more often.

Author's Notes:

Surprise mother fuckers. Happy fucking Thanksgiving.