“I’VE SEEN FOOTAGE, I GET NOIDED, I’VE SEEN FOOTAGE, I GET NOIDED, I’VE SEEN FOOTAGE, I GET NOIDED, I’VE SEEN FOOTAGE!” You, Barb, and Lyra sang together as Death Grips blasted out of the car’s speakers. The bass bumping from the subwoofers rocked the car like a minor earthquake.

“OH FUCK, WE’RE HERE!” You cried out as spotted the fairgrounds in the distance.

“HOL UP NIGGAS, I’M SO NOIDED, I’M GOING TO DO A FUCKING DONUT!” Lyra screamed over the music.

“FUCKING DO IT!” You exclaimed, slapping on a pair of Gucci sunglasses. You looked down, remembering that Barb was chilling in your lap. After making sure your glasses were secure, you planted another pair of shades on the dragon’s face for safety purposes.

“I’M GOING NUCLEAR!” Lyra screeched as she turned the wheel sharply to the left while simultaneously shifting into first gear and flooring the gas pedal.

...only to immediately spin out, because horses can’t into stylish driving.

“Git gud, dude,” you commented with a smirk.

“Fuck you, man,” the unicorn growled at you.

“Is that an offer?”

“Get out of the car.”

“Fine,” you rolled your eyes and allowed Barb to jump off of you, before climbing out of the car yourself.

Wait…?

You turned back around, leaned inside of the car, and grabbed a conveniently placed bottle of Applejack Daniels. You backed away from the vehicle and closed the door behind you, before turning towards the two grills who were waiting on your slow ass.

“Hol up,” you said with your best Will Smith impression as you undid the cap and wrapped your lips around the neck, tipping it back and letting the refreshing liquor flood your mouth and cascade down your throat.

You let out a content sigh as you finished off the entire bottle like it was a glass of water in the middle of the Sahara and tossed it aside (which exploded off-screen for some reason).

“Are you done deepthroating bottles? We need to advance the plot, you fucking alcoholic,” Lyra asked.

“Fuck, I guess. Let me just get something out the car real quick,” you said as you walked behind the car and popped the trunk.

“Is it more booze?” Barb asked as she walked up beside you.

“Of courshe!” You did your best Bane impression as you hefted a large backpack out of the trunk. “I got a whole day’s supply of the Fonz’s gift to all of his creations.”

“You fucking alcoholic,” Lyra moaned, once again pointed out the obvious.

“You’re just salty because you can’t into donuts,” you bantered back as you threw the pack over your shoulders. “Besides, I’m not saying anything about the copious amounts of weed you stuff inside that plushie of yours.”

The mare blinked, shooting a quick glance at the plushie that was created in her likeness that hung around her neck. For some odd reason that you didn’t even bother questioning, it was designed with a hole in the rear, and at the moment, it was almost overflowing with Mary Jane.

“You fucking stoner,” you said with a cocky smirk.

“S-shut up.”

“Dude weed lmao,” a teasing grin spread across your face.

!

“A NEW CHALLENGER APPROACHES!” you blurted out, turning towards the mysterious new enemy approaching you, “WHO DARES- Oh, it’s just you.”

“Eeyup,” the crimson stallion you called your brother-from-another-mother-and-species responded, “Took ya guys long enough.”

“Fuck off, I needed to take a shit,” you flashed Big Mac an annoyed look.

He checked his watch. “Ya’ll were supposed to be here like an hour ago.”

“It was a big shit,” you pointed out.

“FOR YOU!” Barb and Lyra both exclaimed the second your sentence left your mouth.

You tipped them appropriately for their quality memeing skills.

“Well, Ah suppose it’s a good thing yer a bit late. Ya won’t have to wait in line.”

“Quality,” you commented, before raising a questioning brow at your bro. “Where the fuck is registration?”

Big Mac pointed a hoof at a booth with a big sign that said “REGISTRATION” that was right in front of you this whole time. “Over there, dumbass.”

“Thanks bro,” you flashed him a toothy grin and a thumbs up. “I’ll see you out there.”

“We’re gonna kick your fucking ass!” Barb exclaimed in a high pitched tone.

“Ah think Ah’m gonna press ‘x’ for doubt on that one,” Big Mac said with a smirk. A serious look overcame his face. “Hey, mah sis’ and her friend Rainbow Dash are entering together this year… Ah’d be careful round’ them. They take competition a might too seriously.”

“Don’t worry, my dick is big enough for both of them,” you said, waving off his warning.

“Don’t talk yourself up too much, Anon,” Lyra bantered with a smug grin.

“Dude, all you ever do is talk about how nice my dick is.”

“True, true,” she responded to your point, flashing a look of approval at your groin. “You do have a pretty nice dick, broseph.”

“Thanks, my nigga. I’ll be sure to pass your compliments on to him.”

With that out of the way you began to walk towards the registration, only to be stopped dead in your tracks as Big Mac cleared his throat to get your attention. “Ah already signed ya and Barb up, Anon.”

“Nigga, what was all that shit about us being late and not having to wait in line and shit then?”

“Ah was being ironic.”

“Ironically suck my dick, my dude,” you growled before blurting out, “No homo.”

“Gay,” the stallion commented before motioning over to a crowd that was beginning to gather around a stage off in the distance. “Come on, shit’s bout’ ta get started. Since yer muh bros, ya’ll can join me up on the stage with AJ and Dash.”

“Awesome! Now I can show everybody my dick!” you chirped excitedly as you reached down and began to undo your pants.

“Anon, please don’t flash the crowd.”

“Big Mac, please hop off my nuts,” you paused your undressing process and flashed the stallion an annoyed look. “Just let it happen.”

“No,” he stated sternly.

“I HATE YOU, YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD!” you cried

His stern glare didn’t falter in response to your autism and you found yourself buttoning your pants back together with a defeated sigh.

“You’re a fucking faggot, you know that?” You stated, cracking a grin.

“Yer the one always talkin’ about cock, Anon,” the red stallion deadpanned.

“Correction, I’m always talking about my cock! Huge fucking difference.”

“Uh huh…” he raised a brow at your statement as he chewed away at straw of hay in between his teeth, “whatever ya say, Anon.”

“At least I didn’t pretend to be a mare, nigga.”

You felt a smirk spread across your lips as you saw the anger flare up on your bro’s face at the mention of his crossdressing press.

He took a step towards you, more than likely being intent on punching you in the stomach once again, but he was stopped as your young dragon sidekick jumped in front of him.

“Don’t we need to be going up on stage right now or something?” Barb, the lone voice of reason, spoke up.

Big Mac stopped and responded to her question with a simple blink, before sparing his watch a glance.

“Eeyup,” he confirmed her statement.

Wordlessly, he marched on, signalling your party to follow. Deciding it was for the best to hold off on further Caitlyn Jenner and trap jokes, you followed him with the rest of your group.

In a matter of moments you were climbing up onto the stage with a growing urge to drop your pants and show off to the large crowd before you. However, as your hands began to search for your belt, a stern look from Big Mac signalled to you it would be in your best interests to keep your pants at waist level.

Reluctantly, you listened to his warning, figuring you could flash the crowd when nobody was looking and blame it on Paco.

Fucking Paco.

Throwing your Booze Ruck™ off to the side for later consumption, you made your way over to where the two mares Big Mac mentioned were standing.

“Howdy sugarcube!” Applejack greeted as you and your party walked up.

“Sup AJ,” you greeted her, before your eyes wandered over to her rainbow colored companion, “and… uh…”

“...”, the mare gave you a dark look as you struggled to remember her name.

“Pride Parade…?”

“Not even close,” she said, an annoyed look splayed across her face. “It's Rainbow Dash.”

So tsundere~, you noted.

“Shit… my bad, bro, I suck ass with names,” you apologized as you rubbed at your neck awkwardly.

The walking pride parade’s features lightened a tad, as she regarded your apology with a casual shrug. “It’s all good, I guess.

Before an awkward silence could even begin to form, Applejack spoke up. “So, are ya’ll gonna be enterin’ in the Brotherhooves Social?”

“Fuck yeah, bro, you know we love a good bro-themed competition,” you responded, before going to bump Barb’s claw as soon as she threw it up in response to your words.

“Onii-chan and I are going to kick your asses!” The young dragon snarked with a claw pointed at the two mares.

“I'm helping!” Lyra declared, not wanting to be left out of the fun.

“You guys seem pretty sure of yourselves,” the dyke standing besides Applejack commented with a smug smirk. “I hope you're not full of shit, it gets pretty boring being the best at everything.”

“Rainbow, hush!” The orange mare scolded her with an annoyed scowl. “What’d Ah tell ya bout tryin’ ta at least acthumble.”

“Hey! They started it!” she protested in her raspy voice.

“It's all good, brah,” you said as you patted the mare’s shoulder reassuringly. “Nothing’s wrong with a bit of friendly banter.”

She flashed you a look, but returned your wide smile after a second’s thought. “If ya say so, Anon.”

The rainbow haired mane said nothing, but she acknowledged your gesture with a nod of respect and a cocky grin.

As your attention began to shift away from the two mares, you heard someone clear their throat from behind you.

?

You spun around, spotting the Princess of Spankings standing behind you with an eager smile.

“Hi Anon!” she greeted you in very peculiar high pitched voice.

“Sup Sparklebutt? You're making a second appearance in this chapter?” you eyed her, confused.

“W-what?”

“Nothing, what's up?”

The mare shrugged off your blatant fourth wall breaking as she continued. “You got any beer?”

You noted a few shocked expressions among your small group at this, but you didn't pay it any mind. “Sure dude, one sec.”

You threw both of your hands up in the air dramatically, and with a moment of concentration, two forties popped into existence in your hands.

Your sudden magical abilities didn't get quite the reaction the mare's booze request did, probably because everybody was used to you breaking the laws of physics on a whim.

You handed the spare bottle out the mare, who took it from your hand with her magic, before you popped the bottle cap off with your teeth and taking a long swig from the bottle.

Bringing the bottle back down to your side, you eyed the mare curiously. “Shouldn't you be worried about your public image or something?”

The princess shrugged as she took a drink. “I'm going to outlive everypony here by thousands of years, sooner or later, ponies will forget.”

“Neat.” You shot Twilight a questioning look. “So what are you doing here?”

“Royal duties,” she answered, motioning over to the nearby podium that overlooked the crowd gathered around the stage. “I'm overseeing the Social with Granny Smith. I'm up once she's done kicking things off.”

“Cool, that totally doesn’t sound boring at all.”

“Your sarcasm is duly noted, Anonymous,” her pleasant smile shifted into a smirk as she continued to speak. “That said, I'm sure with you participating I won't be as bored as usual.”

“We’ll be sure to put a good show on for you,” you said with your dragon partner in crime nodding in agreement.

“Oh, I'm sure you will~” the princess winked and regarded you with a hungry look, which seemed to cause your pants to violently shrink several sizes in response.

U-unf!

Twilight giggled in response to your very visible reaction, before motioning off to the side, where you spotted Granny Smith’s wrinkly old ass approaching the podium at a snail’s pace, Big Mac helping her along the way like a proper fedora-tipping gentleman. “Save that for later, we’re about to start making the announcements for today’s festivities. Can you hold my beverage?”

“Uh, sure.” You grabbed the forty ounce out of the air as she levitated it over to you.

She flashed you a grateful smile. “Thanks, I’ll see you all once I’m done with my speech.”

The purple mare gave you “the look” one more time before marching off.

Damn! The fuck’s got into her?

“Well… that was… strange,” Applejack commented awkwardly as soon as she thought Sparklebutt was out of earshot.

“Since when is Twilight actually not a bitchy, book obsessed nerd?” Lyra asked you and her two friends.

“Ah dunno, Twilight’s usually not so… err…” the orange earth pony trailed off.

“Slutty?” Barbie threw in with a raised brow.

“Ah was gonna say forward, but Ah guess that could describe it,” Big Mac added.

“She a thot, bro…” the dragon under her breath.

You blatantly ignored her. Just as you were going to voice your thoughts in the matter, you were interrupted (very #rudely, might you add) by a dyke-ish voice.

“Man, I wish she would talk to me like that.”

The rest of the group shot Rainbow Dash a mixture of weird and aroused looks, which was met with a harsh, defensive glare. “What? You’re telling me you don’t want somepony to talk to you like that? Especially somepony as hot as Twilight? Seriously?”

“I mean, she is pretty fucking hot,” you agreed.

“See? Anon knows!” Dash pointed out.

“FUCK YEAH!” you exclaimed a bit too loudly, not like you gave a shit about the crowd silently judging you as you made an ass of yourself on stage. “You’re alright, bro, pound it.”

The mare with the rainbow mane grinned and took you up on your offer, smashing her hoof against your balled up fist like it with the fury of a thousand bro-tier suns.

“Yeah, you’re a pretty cool guy. Not as cool as me, but cool enough,” she said with a smug undertone.

“WAIT GUYS, SHUT THE FUCK UP, GRANNY SMITH FINALLY MADE IT TO THE THINGY!” Lyra blurted out, pointing towards the podium at the edge of the stage, where, sure enough, Granny Smith was now standing, looking very confused with her current situation.

“WHERE AM I?!” Granny Smith screeched into the microphone.

“Huh, what do you know?” You commented, before giving her your attention.

Big Mac whispered into the elder’s ear, as a look of realization popped up on her face. “Ya mean there ain’t no Klan meeting today?”

Your bro whispered some more shit into her ear, which she responded to with a mere “durnit”.

Granny waved off the red stallion, before turning her attention to the crowd before her. “Howdy ya’ll!”

“WE LOVE YOU GRANNY!” some overhyped stallion screamed out as several pairs of pantsu were thrown up onto the stage at her.

“Thank ya kindly!” she flashed her trademark smile at them, receiving a thunderous plause in response.

Damn, niggas really like their grandmas in Ponyville.

You wondered what the Pornhub stats are for granny porn around here.

“Folks, this year’s Brotherhooves Social is promisin’ to be bigger and better than any of the Socials we’ve held in previous years. We’ve got ourselves sixty somethin’ pairs of siblings entered in this year’s rally, and let me tell ya’ll, that’s a big number!”

“FOR YOU!” you shouted from behind the mare.

“Now, I’m sure ya’ll might remember how exciting last year’s rally was, and ya’ll might be thinkin’ ‘Granny, that sure is gonna be hard to beat.’ Ah mean, six ponies died!”

NAH KNEE?!

You thought this was gonna be some boring kid friendly event, what the fuck?

“Well, frankly, and cover yer yungling’s ears for this one folks, last year ain’t SHIT compared to what we have in store for this year, and to introduce our master plans, here’s-”

Twilight started trotting towards the podium. Her face beaming with delight.

“THE MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE!” Granny Smith shouted unnecessarily loudly.

“WHAT?!” Twilight squawked in surprise.

From the orange afternoon sky came a man -- NO, A LEGEND -- who landed gracefully on the stage beside the aged mare, dressed up like a cowboy from Brokeback Mountain if they had access to bedazzlers.

Of course, that’s fucking MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE, so it doesn’t matter how he dresses. His dick is still thrice as big as yours.

At least, that’s what you assumed.

“OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! THE CREAM OF THE CROP HAS RETURNED!” Macho Man Randy Savage shouted into the microphone as Granny Smith eagerly made room for him, immediately sending the crowd into a frenzy.

He struck a pose and flexed for the crowd as they cheered louder for him

“NOW, BEFORE WE GET INTO THE GRIT OF THIS EVENT, MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE WOULD LIKE TO DO SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT…!”

The crowd fell silent as he caused dramatically, before he reached into his coat, and pulled out a single link of beef jerky.

BUT IT WASN’T JUST ANY BEEF JERKY!

“SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM!” he exclaimed as bit into the small link of Slim Jim without even removing it from the packaging, because only candy-ass PUSSIES remove the packaging first.

In seconds, the piece of Slim Jim was gone, and his attention was back on the crowd. “AND, OF COURSE, LET’S NOT FORGET THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN EQUESTRIA.”

There was another dramatic pause, before Macho Man Randy Savage pointed up into the sky.

“THE GREAT TASTE OF CHARLESTON CHEW!”

As soon as the words left his mouth, the skyline exploded into a brilliant display of fireworks, the letter’s CHARLESTON CHEW flashed across the heavens.

The crowd erupted into a full blown riot as the hype and pure sexual arousal from Macho Man Randy Savage’s appearance became too much for them to bear.

“WE LOVE YOU CHARLESTON CHEW!” the same stallion from before exclaimed before he got hit over the head with a folded up chair.

“This shit’s absolutely fucking wilin’!” Barb exclaimed as she watched the chaos unfold.

“RIGHT?! THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME!” you added.

As soon as those words left your mouth, Macho Man Randy Savage's head snapped in your general direction.

“WHO JUST SAID THAT?!”

!

The entire crowd fell silent as THE MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE stared down your small group with the intensity of a thousand suns. You could feel your bros slowly back away from you as you casually raised your hand in the air.

“Yo.”

“GET OVER HERE!” Macho Man Randy Savage ordered you as if he were Scorpion from Mortal Kombat, just one hundred times more MACHO.

Aw shit.

Not one to keep mother fucking MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE waiting, you moonwalked your way over to the podium where he waited patiently, a thousand eyes eagerly watching the two of you to see just what he had in store with you.

“WHAT’S YOUR NAME, KID?”

“Anonymous, Destroyer of Cunts!” You proudly boasted as you struck a pose, before giving him a cheeky grin. “But you can call me Anon, Mr Macho Man Randy Savage.”

“Anon, huh?” He eyed you through his dark wrap-around shades, the intensity his stare never faltering. “Are you a contestant in this rally?”

“Oh yeah,” you answered.

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH?!” He demanded, wanting your answer to be louder.

“OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” You confirmed.

He turned his attention back to the crowd. “LET ME TELL YOU MACHO MANIACS, THIS ONE HERE IS GOING PLACES, LET ME TELL YOU. I EXPECT HIM TO WIN AND BECOME SECOND ONLY TO ME, THE UNDISPUTED EQUESTRIAN INTERCONTINENTAL HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF EVERYTHING!”

He went to high five you, which you took up with much gusto. As your palms collided, a literal shockwave shot out from your hands and washed over the crowd with an awesome POOMF.

Feeling pretty fucking satisfied with your first time impression of the man, THE LEGEND, MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE, you willed into existence for him a fresh can of Miller Lite, something he took off your hands without a second’s notice.

You weren’t much of a Miller man, nor was anybody else you knew, but giving him that specific beer just felt right in your heart for some reason.

“HAH! SOMEONE FINALLY GETS ME THE RIGHT BEER!”

He opened the can, brought it up to his lips, and in a matter of seconds, chugged to whole thing down in one go.

Macho Man Randy Savage leaned over the podium and stared down the crowd before him, shaking the now empty can at them. “EVER SINCE I GOT HERE, I HAVE BEEN HAVING A HUGE CRAVING FOR THIS AND IT TOOK SIX YEARS FOR SOMEONE TO FINALLY HELP A BROTHER OUT!”

He threw the can out to the crowd (which a rumble quickly broke out over) and finally got back to business.

“LET’S TALK ABOUT THIS YEAR’S RACE. WE HAVE A TOTAL OF SIXTY SIX TEAMS-”

“Check em,” you commented, pointing your finger at the crowd like you were Patrick Bateman.

“-ALL COMPETING FOR FIRST, AND I TELL YA, THE MAJORITY OF THE TEAMS AREN’T GETTING ANYWHERE NEAR THE TITLE. YOU WANNA KNOW WHY?!”

Nobody dared utter a word, as answering a question for Macho Man Randy Savage was immediate grounds for an elbow-dropping. The man had to answer his own questions, as he was just that MACHO.

“THAT’S BECAUSE,” he finally began after a long dramatic pause, “THE TEAMS WILL BE RACING THROUGH GHASTLY GORGE.”

Another dramatic pause.

“...AND A MINEFIELD.”

“NAH KNEE?!”

“HAH!” Macho Man Randy Savage had a giggle as he slapped his knee comically. “JUST KIDDING FOLKS, WE’RE NOT MAD MAXING THIS SHIT.”

He paused dramatically once more, before continuing. “LIKE LAST YEAR, WE WILL HAVE EACH TEAM DUKING IT OUT IN THE THUNDERDOME, UNTIL THERE IS ONLY ONE TEAM LEFT REMAINING, AND THAT TEAM WILL BE CROWNED THE NEW INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION, ALONGSIDE I, MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE… AND THEY WILL GET A LIFETIME’S SUPPLY OF SLIM JIMS!”

The crowd went absolutely ballistic at this. It almost seemed like a full blown category five chimpout was about to break out in the crowd itself.

YOU’RE SO FUCKING PUMPED!

Macho Man Randy Savage casually watched the crowd go nuts as he snapped into a slim jim, taking a single bite of it and throwing what remained of it offscreen, where it exploded.

“NOW, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE A FEW STARS THAT I EXPECT TO OUTSHINE THE REST OF YOU THIS YEAR!”

He motioned behind him, where you and the others were standing. “THERE'S SOME PONIES HERE YOU SHOULD RECOGNIZE FROM LAST YEAR’S COMPETITION. THE REIGNING CHAMPS, APPLEJACK AND RAINBOW DASH, HAVE RETURNED TO DEFEND THEIR TITLE. THEY ARE GOING TO FIGHT TOOTH AND HOOF TO WIN, AND I WOULD EXPECT A DIFFICULT TIME IF YOU END UP FACING AGAINST THEM.”

The crowd applauded politely as Macho Man Randy Savage paused dramatically, before motioning to your red coated bro and his youngest sister. “AND WE ALSO HAVE LAST YEAR’S RUNNER UPS RETURNING FOR ANOTHER GO AT THE STATUS OF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONS, AND I GOTTA TELL YOU FOLKS, THEY ARE LOOKING READY TO SMASH IN SOME SKULLS TONIGHT.”

Macho Man Randy Savage turned his attention back to you, and Barb, who has now joined your side at the edge of the stage. “AND WE HAVE MR DESTROYER OF CUNTS AND HIS DRAGON SIDEKICK, WHO I HAVE A REALLY GOOD FEELING ABOUT. THEY DEFINITELY HAVE THE MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE SEAL OF APPROVAL.”

The famed Intercontinental Champion ripped the mic from it's stand and shoved it in your face. “ANONYMOUS, DESTROYER OF CUNTS, DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY TO THE CROWD?!”

“Yeah, I got something to say, alright!” You responded with a smug smirk, before undoing your belt and letting your pants fall to your ankles, exposing your fully erect hammer of justice to the crowd.

“ANON YA SONOVA-” You heard Big Mac bellow angrily before he was interrupted by the loud frenzied crowd gathered before the stage. You noticed Lyra and Twilight cheering in an especially crazed manner out of the corner of your eye.

You grabbed the mic from Macho Man Randy Savage’s hand and struck a pose. You motioned to your diamond hard dick. “MY COCK IS THE SPEAR THAT WILL PIERCE THE HEAVENS!”

You then proceeded to do the helicopter dick before the crowd, a move that was sure to impress. And impress it did, since the crowd was eighty percent women.

Mares love the helicopter dick.

You felt an exceedingly macho hand clamp down on your shoulder. “THAT’LL DO PIG, THAT’LL DO!”

Macho Man Randy Savage motioned you to rejoin the others. You, not being one to disobey a request from someone so extraordinarily macho, magicked up your pants and moonwalked back to your collection of bros.

As soon as you rejoined them, you could feel Big Mac’s dark glare fall upon.

“Anon.” The single word left Big Mac’s mouth.

“Yo?”

As soon as your response left your mouth, the stallion immediately buried his hoof into your crotch, causing an intense pain to shoot through your body as you fell to your knees in pain.

“Ah warned ya about flashing the crowd bruh, Ah told ya dawg!” His scowl turned into a smirk as he watched you crumble to your knees.

“IT JUST KEEPS HAPPENING!” You cried out in agony.

He shook his head at your lack of style. “Ah told ya man, Ah told ya about flashing crowds.”

You gritted your teeth as you struggled to regain your composure, before finding the strength to rise to your feet and dawn a pair of Gucci shades over the GAR shades you were already wearing. You took a breath and put your cool face.

In a moment of clarity, you decided to just deal with it.

As you dealt with it, you noticed Macho Man Randy Savage had finished his dramatic pause and struck a pose. “BUT, THAT'S NOT EVERYBODY I EXPECT TO GIVE EVERYONE HERE A RUN FOR THEIR MONEY. I SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST.”

…?

...the stage is shaking?

You shot your head about, searching for the source of the disturbance, expecting a cyborg T-Rex to come tearing through the crowd.

Unfortunately, you were disappointed to see two minotaurs walk on the stage instead of an unholy combination of machinery and prehistoric fury.

In fact, you recognized one.

“YO WEED DUDE!” Lyra greeted her dealer as she overexcitedly waved at him.

“Hey man,” he waved back apathetically, continuing to walk past your group and towards the awaiting Macho Man Randy Savage, who was now motioning in their direction.

“TO MAKE THINGS MORE INTERESTING THIS YEAR, I INVITED MY BROTHER FROM ANOTHER MOTHER IRON WILL TO PARTICIPATE!” Macho Man Randy Savage proudly boasted.

The other minotaur, Iron Will, approached the stand and took the mic, before flexing and posing before the now noticeably unnerved crowd.

“I, IRON WILL, WILL DESTROY BRITANNIA!”

He tossed the mic off to the side (which exploded slightly off-screen) and backed off.

You took a moment to gauge the crowd’s reaction, and noticed that they seemed even more fearful than before. Hell, even your bros seemed just a tad nervous about the two minotaurs before them.

The Weed Dude calmly approached the stand, and grabbed the replacement mic that had mysteriously materialized when nobody was looking.

“Hey… I'll have uhhhhhhhhhh… two number nine's, a number nine large, a number six with extra dip, a number seven, two number forty-five’s, one with-”

“This isn't the drive thru, brother!” The weed dealer's brother pointed out.

“It isn't?”

Iron Will shook his head.

“Bummer…”

His usual apathetic face now showing a tinge of disappointment at the news, the Weed Dude backed away from the stand and walked off the stage with his brother.

You applauded politely as the rest of the crowd remained quiet, with the exception of a few silent murmurs.

“AREN'T THOSE GUYS GREAT? I HOPE YOU'RE ALL LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING WHAT THEY CAN DO LIKE I AM!” Macho Man Randy Savage exclaimed excitedly, not even noticing the sudden lack of enthusiasm. “ANYWAYS MACHO MANIACS, WE'RE GOING TO GET STARTED IN AN HOUR OR SO. YOU SHOULD GO PAY MY SLIM JIM BOOTH A VISIT. IT HAS DRAFT BEER ON TAP!”

The crowd’s enthusiasm returned as they cheered and applauded. Macho Man Randy Savage did one more pose, before waltzing off stage. The crowd stuck around and continued to cheer until he was out of sight, then began to disperse immediately after.

Well, that was cool. Time to go kill an hour.

A short while later, you found yourself stranded in the middle of the line for the Apple family’s cider booth (which was sponsored by Geico. They can apparently save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance by switching your plan) with Barb.

“Enjoying yourself, lil’ homie?” You asked your young dragon companion.

She responded to your words with an eager nod. “Hell yeah! I fucking love lines!”

“Really?”

She snorted, amused. “Fuck no, but I'm glad to be here! I'd much rather be fighting random ponies for the title of Intercontinental Champion than fighting off pedophiles in the streets.”

“Damn bro.”

“These streets are rough, brah.”

As the line slowly crawled forward, you felt your pocket begin to vibrate. You reached into it and fished out your cellular device, which was currently blasting Sir Mix A Lot’s ‘Baby Got Back’. You looked at the screen, saw it was Lyra calling, and answered the call.

“MOSHI MOSHI!” You screamed into the phone.

“Bro, what you doing?” The aquamarine mare asked from the other end.

You frowned at her question. “It's always what you doing, not how you doing…”

“What?” She responded with confusion.

“Huh? Nothing.” You shrugged it off before continuing. “We're chilling at the Apple family’s booth.”

“Hang out for a bit, bro, I'm heading over. See you in a hot minute!”

*click*

You tossed your phone off to the side and watched it explode since it was a Samsung Galaxy Note 7. However, you realized that you actually needed a phone and magicked up a clone of your now destroyed phone.

Damn, you're gangster.

“Hey Anon!” A feminine voice greeted you.

You froze as you felt recognition swell from within you. You didn't turn to face to the source of the voice, only spoke. “I see that Dio continues to be too cowardly to face me. Totally unbro.” You begin to turn towards the voice as you strike a heroic pose. “BUT I WILL STILL BE SHOWING YOU NO- Oh shit, what's up Lyra?”

“Sup brah?” She shot you a loving smile as she gave your waist an affectionate squeeze. She beamed up at you. “So, you wanna hear some good shit, bruh?”

“Let me guess,” you pondered as you scratched your non-existent beard. “...Big Mac is pregnant, and I’m the father?”

“Uhhhhhhhhhhh… no?”

“Oh.” You let out, internalizing your disappointment at not being a father. You swallowed your sadness, and looked upon the mare with determined eyes. “Lay it on me, Broseidon.”

“You know how there were seventy seven teams?”

“Of course!” You said in your best Tom Hardy impression, as you pointed off to the side. “I never forget a good repeating integer.”

“Doubles are the way, the truth, and the life.” Barb commented with a sage nod.

Lyra nodded in agreement, being a lurker of [s4s] herself. “I really, really liked those doubles. BUT!- Can you guess how many of those teams are left now?”

“Is the answer dubs?” You inquired, preparing to do another doubles checking pose.

The aquamarine mare shook her head sadly. “Unfortunately, no. There’s only four teams left.”

?

“What the fuck?” You let out as you examined the minty pone with a raised brow. “What happened to the other seventy three teams?”

“Well, they all bailed.” She responded with a shrug. “I guess they all saw what they were up against and decided it wasn’t worth it.”

“I can hardly blame them, have you seen my gains?” You bragged as you flexed, smirking to yourself as you caught a few onlookers mirin’.

“Of course, bro. I’m always mirin’ dat natty physique,” she commented, biting her lower lip as she eyed you down.

Your pants noticeably tightened at her bedroom eyes.

“No offense, bro, but I’m pretty sure they bailed because of the minotaurs,” Barb pointed out, like a smartass.

“Sounds like somebody doesn’t want any waffles…”

“PLEASE DON’T TAKE MY WAFFLES!” The dragon loli begged you desperately.

You snorted in amusement at her reaction, before blinking as you suddenly came to a realization.

“OH SHIT!” You bellowed out at the top of your lungs like an autists, earning several annoyed looks from nearby bystanders (as if you gave a fuck). “THAT MEANS WE’RE IN THE SEMI-FINALS!”

“FUCK YEAH!” Your dragon sidekick exclaimed with just as much enthusiasm, before extended out a balled up claw to you. You noticed the gesture and, not one to leave a bro hanging, collided your fist with hers as the two of you exchanged a truly awe inspiring brofist, one that would surely not be surpassed for several centuries.

Or, at least, another chapter or so.

“WAIT, HOL THE FUCK UP!” You bellowed at the mare. “Who the fuck are we going up against, then?”

A cheeky grin spread across Lyra’s muzzle. “Bro, you’re going up against the final boss.”

“KARS?!” You hazarded a guess.

The aquamarine mare shook her head.

“Hmm…” you hmm’d as you scratched your chin. “Dio Brando?”

“Nah, that’s for another chapter, brah.” She grinned at her own fourth wall devastation. “You are going up against Applejack and Rainbow Dash!”

!

Already?!

“Already?!” You exclaimed in shock.

“Yup. Already.” The unicorn confirmed, before a sly grin spread across her face. “You wanna know the betting odds against you?”

“The next thing you’ll say is ‘the betting odds are about a thousand to one in their favor, bro’.” You predicted with a cocky smirk.

“The betting odds are about a thousand to one in their favor, bro!” She exclaimed excitedly, before blinking in response to what you just said. “N-nani?”

“What the fuck, nigga?” Barb gave you a confused look.

You shrugged, waving your phone around in front of them. “I googled it just now.” You tossed your phone back into your pocket.

“Alright, let me guess, you want to pool our money and bet in my favor, then make bank when I win?” You asked.

“Nigga, that’s exactly what I’m thinking!” Barb excitedly replied.

“Fuck yeah!” You reached into your pocket, and pulled out a large bitsack filled a great sum given to you by the Equestrian taxpayers, before tossing it over to the mare. “Here, go nuts, brah. Just don’t go spending it all in one place. I better not find out you wasted all on high heels or timbs or whatever the fuck you mares waste money on, nigga.”

She gave you an annoyed look. “Do you think I’m some sort of thot or something?” She asked, deadpan.

You gave her a playful flick to the snout. “Jesus once said, ‘if she breathes, she a thot’, and baby, you’re breathing.”

She rubbed at her fleshly flicked nose, giving you an inquisitive look. “Who’s Jesus?”

“He’s my nigga, a true brodie.” You responded with a wistful nod.

“A real human bean, and a real hero as well!” Barb threw in. You nodded in respect of her knowledge. Truly, she made a fine sidekick.

“So,” you began, getting back on track, “When’s the fight start?”

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhh,” she uhhh’d like she was just asked what she wanted to order at a drive thru as she looked at her watch (which was one of those kiddie toy Spiderman watches for some reason), “Five minutes from now?”

!

SHIT!

“SHIT!” You blurted out in shock. You summoned a freshly buttered piece of toast, shoved it your mouth, gave Lyra an affectionate slap on the flank, and grabbed your dragon loli sidekick.

“SHIT!” She exclaimed as you threw her onto your shoulders.

Using your magic, you ripped off your previous duds (minus your GAR shades, because they’re hella stylin’) and replaced them with a Japanese school girl outfit, complete with thigh highs and no pantsu (because you love to feel the breeze between your knees).

“UWAAAAAH, I’M GONNA BE LATE!” You cried out as you began to run Naruto style in the general direction of the hastily setup arena where you were to face off with the living embodiment of a gay pride parade and Big Mac’s perfect ass packing sister.

Your name is Anonymous, Destroyer of Cunts, and today is your first day of cripple high school.