You found yourself in a dark room. The moonlight filtering in through the nearby blinds being the sole source of illumination. Embraced in your arms was a woman. A woman you could not name or remember anything about. She was beautiful, damn near drop dead gorgeous. As you gazed at her your heart could only feel the deepest, most passionate sense of love.

“Anon…” She spoke softly. Her voice in a sour melancholy. She shifted about in your arms and turned to face you. As you gazed into her eyes you noticed they were bloodshot, as if she had been crying.

“You know I don’t want to go…,” she began. “I don’t want to leave you behind… but I need to. You and I both talked about this when I applied for the job, about the possibility this could happen-”

“I know,” you spoke up.

You quickly realized you didn’t have control of your own voice, and after some experimenting, you realized you weren’t in control of your body either. It was as if you were watching a movie, unable to do anything other than watch from a first person vantage point.

You felt her soft hands run along your chest and find their place behind your back as she buried her face into your chest.

“I think we both knew deep down this was going to happen, even if we both talked about it as if the U.S. would back down. I don’t know if getting involved with this conflict is the right call, if who we’re backing are the right people, or if messing with Russia is the right decision. All I know is that I need to be over there, whether I like it or not.” Fresh tears formed in her eyes as she looked into your eyes. “You understand, right?”

“Yeah,” you said with a small nod. “You’ll be safe, right? You’re going to come back in one piece, aren’t you?”

The woman flashed you a reassuring smile. “There’s a risk, but it’s minimal. I’ll be on base and well behind the front lines for the most part. I'm just a contractor, remember? I promise, I’ll be fine.”

You felt your worries wash away as a smile formed across your face. “Alright, I’ll take your word for it.”

She patted your cheek. “Don’t worry about me, I’ll just be sitting around on my ass for six months, bored out of my mind. Then I’ll come home, in one piece.” A smirk formed on her face. “We’re gonna have a lot of catching up to do, so I hope your body will be ready.”

“Of coursh!” You did your best Tom Hardy impression.

“You’re a big guy,” she said with an autistic grin.

“For you.”

The woman giggled, then sighed. “I’m gonna miss this…”

“We can just shitpost with each other over the phone or on Skype.” You pointed out.

“Yeah, but it wouldn’t be the same.”

The two of you went silent as those words hung in the air. You felt her grasp around you tighten like a hungry boa, and could feel her trembling like a cold chihuahua.

“You know… this is the last night we’re gonna spend together in a really long time. You want to do anything?” She flashed you a sultry look. “And I do mean anything.”

You shook your head. “Honestly, I just want to enjoy what time we have left together. I’m happy like this.”

“...not even anal?” You could tell by the tone of her voice she was a bit disappointed.

“Nah. This is good.”

“Alright…” She grinned up at you as she clung onto you. “I love you, Anon.”

“Yeah, I know.” You smirked.

“You ass!” She cried as she playfully slugged you in the shoulder. “You could at least say it this one time.”

“Please, a real nigga never says I love you. Get on my level, bitch.”

She smiled and got /comfy/ in your arms. “Whatever, Anon. Just know one of these days you’re going to regret that shit.”

“Yeah… probably…”

Your eyes fluttered open as the sun’s rays shining in your face put an abrupt end to your slumber. You yawned and rubbed the crust out of your eyes before pondering the previous night’s dream. The dream felt so real and vivid as if it wasn’t a dream. As if it were something that actually happened to you, but you just couldn’t remember it.

You figured that Twilight would be able to help you figure this shit out. She was pretty good at playing therapist… plus she looked hot as fuck.

Wait… nah. She’s probably still being a cunt; however, should probably check in on her since she hasn’t talked to you after she flipped the fuck out on you.

You were shaken from your thoughts as the mare who lay on your chest stirred. Her eyes slowly opened before she let loose a small diabetes inducing yawn and looked up at you with a pleased expression.

“Morning,” you greeted your bro.

“Good morning,” she flashed you a smile.

“Sleep well?” you inquired.

“A lot better than you did. Your ass was thrashing about like retard that escaped his handlers,” she answered with a smirk.

“Yeah, yeah. Sorry dude, had a pretty shitty dream,” you said with a shrug.

“It’s all good, brah,” she assured you, the mare’s grin growing wider as she planted a single kiss on your chest before she rolled off of you.

Figuring it was time to get up, you climbed out of the bed with the all the grace and elegance of a mentally handicapped goldfish. Unsurprisingly, you immediately slipped on an empty beer bottle and fell right on your face. Typical.

Lyra responded to your public display of retardation with applause and cheering. “Encore, encore!” She snickered as she jumped out of bed and gave you a friendly slap on your rear. “Seriously, nice one, babe. I rate that a solid eight. I would’ve given you a nine or even a soft ten, but again bro, you didn’t do a flip. Gotta git gud, son.”

“I’m sorry, brah. I’ll try harder next time. I promise,” you responded from the floor before picking yourself up. You noticed a handle of vodka sitting on your nightstand, screaming at you to be dranken. You shot your hand forward at warp speed and snatched it, screwing off the cap and taking a nice, long drink from it.

After swallowing some of the refreshing liquid you looked over to your roommate who was digging through her dresser, searching for something to bundle up with.

“So, you got any plans today?” you inquired.

“Not really, no. I don’t have to work the field today. I thought we could spend the day together and do… you know… stuff together.” The mare flashed you a sheepish look.

“Yeah, that sounds cool, fam. But I gotta go talk to Twilight about something first. It’s kinda important.”

A look of both disappointment and curiosity crossed Lyra’s face. “About what?”

You briefly wondered if you should tell your bro about your dream, but you decided that with your new relationship it would be best to hold off on it until you were sure about it. “I’ll tell you later. It’s just some feelings bullshit I doubt you’d be interested in.”

She looked somewhat unconvinced, but the unicorn nodded anyways. “Alright. If you say so. I guess.”

“Cool.”

You made your way over to the closet and began assembling the necessary items for your usual tight-as-fuck attire. You paused and looked back to your bro.

“Hey dude, mind if we include Big Mac? Nigga could probably use some bro time… plus, you know, the story is supposed to be about Mac and I, not you and I. Ya feel me?” you explained.

“Yeah, I feel.” She trotted into the closet, now sporting a white winter coat and a mint green scarf. “Sure dude, we can include him in. As long as he doesn’t give a shit about me randomly dragging you off to fuck you in the bathroom,” she added with a seductive wink.

“That’s l-lewd, dude,” you said with a grin.

“Yeah, I’m pretty lewd. I’m pretty crude too.”

“You’re a major fucking faggot as well," you added.

"Woah, rude," the mare said in a mock hurt tone. A look of realization appeared on her face as she smirked. "By the way... NICE COCK, BRO!" she exclaimed, pointing a hoof at your exposed crotch.

You flashed her a double thumbs up to show your appreciation. "THANKS BRO, GLAD TO SEE MY PENILE WORK OUT ROUTINE AS ACTUALLY MAKING A DIFFERENCE!"

"IT IS BRO. IT REALLY IS!"

Suddenly, the bedroom door flung open, and you heard a young, feminine voice scream.

"WOULD YOU SHUT UP ABOUT COCKS, I'M TRYING TO COOK METH!

"SUCH A LUST FOR COCK," you exclaimed in shock, before poking your head out of the closet and demanding, "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?!"

“IT WAS ME, DIO!” the mysterious speaker, now revealed to be none other than your scaly sidekick, Barb, shouted back at you.

You slowly began to clap. Your two companions bowed to your applause before you tipped them both the appropriate amount for their impressive shitposting skills (but not too much of course. You gotta keep the poor in poverty, lest they rise up against you). Impressed with your tipping abilities, both Barb and Lyra tipped you in return.

Real human beans.

With that out of the way, you quickly realized that showing your dick off to Barb could land you in jail for exposing yourself to a minor, even if she didn’t give two fucks. You threw on a pair of jeans, then tossed on your nice scorpion jacket to compliment your look.

“I’m fucking hungry,” you said as you grabbed your GAR shades and slapped them on your face, “let’s get some fucking breakfast.”

“Uh, it’s like three in the afternoon, Anon,” the aquamarine unicorn said as she looked at a nearby clock, “it’s a little late for breakfast, don’t you think?”

“Nigga, it’s never too early for waffles and beer,” you stated with a condescending look.

“WAIT, WAFFLES? WE’RE GETTING WAFFLES?” Barb exclaimed, her eyes shining with excitement.

“Waffles… AND BEER!” you clarified.

“Woooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Is that even possible?!”

“We’re gonna find out, lil nigga! Get hyp!”

“HYP!”

After a pleasant brunch with your sidekick and that hot piece of ass you call your bro (not the red one, that’d be gay), you set off towards town. For the first time in what seemed like forever, you actually left the house with all articles of clothing on. As much as you wished to be autistic, Sparklebutt probably wouldn’t even let you near her castle if you were streaking like usual.

For once in your retarded life, you realized that fucking with Sparklebutt when you needed answers from her was probably a retarded idea.

You continued to walk for a couple minutes, humming to the tune of Funky Town as you went along; however, it dawned on you realized all this walking was seriously killing your gains.

Fuck, you really should’ve jacked Lyra’s car! There was a lot more distance between Sweet Apple Acres and the castle than your usual journey from your old shitty apartment. Shit, you probably would’ve been there by now if you still lived there.

You really, really wished that you didn’t have to walk, but whatever, you guessed-

“ANON?!” you heard a familiar feminine voice exclaim in shock out of nowhere. You shook yourself from your thoughts and quickly realized your surroundings had changed from the dusty road into Ponyville to Sparklebutt’s study.

“Huh… that’s weird…” you commented.

“HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?!”

You shot your head towards the source of the voice and spotted the Princess of Spankings waiting for an answer from you, her mouth slightly agape in shock.

You shrugged. Random shit like this happening is pretty much the norm. “Iunno, I just wished I wasn’t killing all my gains by walking here, and poof, I’m here.”

“That’s-” she stopped, probably suddenly realizing that she was pissed off at you for some stupid horseshit reason.

You took this opportunity to speak up before she could say anything, or kick you out of her castle. “Listen Twilight, I-”

“DON’T-” she interrupted you, before looking at you with a questioning glance, “D-did you just call me something other than Sparklebutt?”

“I did,” you said, waving it off as it were nothing, “look dude, we need to talk. I’m done with this shit. We need to squash this beef, right now.”

She was dead quiet for a few long, unbearable moments. “There is no beef to squash,” the mare finally responded to you with no emotion. Her eyes, however, betrayed her words. “Now, please leave, I have a-”

“I’m not leaving you alone till we do,” you crossed your arms as you stared the mare down, resolute in your decision. You had drawn the line in the sand. There was no surrender, no retreating. It was do or die at this point.

You would not allow yourself to lose a bro over some stupid-ass bullshit.

A storm of emotion overcame Twilight’s face as these words left your mouth. Mostly anger, jealousy, and pain, but there was a lot of other emotions thrown into the mix as well. She remained quiet for a few painfully long moments before speaking up.

“You have five minutes.”

You were tempted to protest but figured it wasn’t worth it. “Listen dude, I get it-”

“No, you don’t,” the princess interrupted you once more.

“No, I do. I really do,” you insisted.

“No, Anonymous, you really don’t get it at all!” Twilight snapped, slamming her hoof into the floor as she glared daggers at you.

“YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING! AT ALL! NOT FRIENDSHIP! NOT MY FEELINGS! NOTHING! YOU ARE THE MOST INCONSIDERATE AND RUDE INDIVIDUAL I HAVE EVER MET! AND I’VE MET A LOT OF-”

“IF I’M SUCH A FUCKING INCONSIDERATE ASSHOLE, WHY THE FUCK AM I HERE WASTING MY FUCKING TIME TRYING TO TALK TO YOU?!” You snapped back at the mare, your shout seeming to shake the mare to her core.

Oppressive silence overtook the room as the two of you went quiet. Neither of you seeming willing to break the silence. Finally, after what felt like eternity, you spoke up once more. “I do fucking get it, Twilight. It’s so fucking obvious that everybody gets it. I get how you feel about me, about my relationships. You’re jealous-”

“No… no, I’m not…” the mare shook her head, her words almost coming out as a whisper.

“No, you are. Don’t even try to lie about the obvious.” You knelt down, getting on eye level with her as you continued. “I’ll be honest, I could care less. Whether you like it or not, Lyra and I are an item… well, at least, I think we are. It’s still a bit complicated, to be honest.” You paused as the anger on Twilight’s face gave way to sorrow, realizing your rambling wasn't helping. “Look bro, I care for you, I really do. I don’t want you to shut me out of your life because I’m seeing someone. Frankly, my dick’s big enough to share with everyone, but I know you, and I doubt that’s what you want.”

“I don’t care!” the purple horse cried out, much to your surprise. “I just want you, Anon! I don’t care if I have you to myself, or I have to share you with the whole world.”

“Why? Why do you want me?” You eyed the mare with a questioning glance.

“I know, I’m one of the first guys who actually gave you the time of the day that wasn’t a family member or somebody kissing your ass, and I was definitely the first guy you did something sexual with, even if it was some drunken blowjob. But if that’s really the only reason why you want to be with me, I don’t really feel comfortable with that, even if your ass game is off the charts.”

“B-but…” Tears began to flow freely from her eyes as she desperately attempted to retort your claims.

You placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. “You and I both know it’s true, Sparklebutt.”

“D-don’t call me Sparklebutt…” she protested weakly as she sniffled.

You grinned as you knelt down, wrapping your arms around the pony and pulling her into a tight embrace. “Yeah, that’s not happening, you’re hot when you’re angry.” The mare didn’t respond to you. "Would you feel better if I spanked you?" You offered with a smirk.

"Shut up..." the Princess of Spanking's ordered you weakly.

Silence soon reigned over the room once more, only occasionally being broken by a sniffle from the mare in your arms. You lost track of how long the two of you held your embrace, but eventually, you pulled back, looking into the Princess of Spanking’s eyes as you wiped away at her tears. “Hey, let’s get out of here, bro. Grab some food or some shit. I got other shit to talk to you about, anyways.”

You walked up to the table where Twilight was waiting, a couple beers in hand. You plopped down in your chair, slid a beer over to the mare, and took a long drink from your own bottle, savoring the feeling of fresh, liver-destroying alcohol entering your system. Twilight did the same, much to your shock.

"So... “ she began, looking towards you as she spoke, “I think I know what you want to talk about."

"You do? How?" You flashed her a questioning glance.

"You don't need to have an IQ of 170 to figure it out." She leaned forward slightly with interest. "I've heard both eyewitness reports from my friends and have seen it myself."

“What are you even talking about?” you raised a brow at the mare.

“Shush,” she hushed you as she took another drink from her beer, before continuing. "I’ve done my research, and found out that certain humans have been having the same experiences as you." She let her chin rest in her hooves as she eyed you down. “Anon, answer a question for me.”

“Shoot,” you answered, motioning for her to continue.

“What do you know about magic?” she asked.

You scratched at your scalp as you thought over her question. “It’s like the Force, just gayer. At least, that’s what I think it is,” you responded with a shrug.

“Close enough.” Her horn lit up, and with a cartoonish *poof*, a stack of documents, newspapers, photos, and diagrams appeared before you. "Magic affects all creatures in our world, one way or another, and according to my research, humans aren’t immune to this." She paused dramatically as she eyed you down. "Anon, just like myself or any other alicorn or unicorn, you are magic."

You almost forgot about last night's dream as you raised a brow at what the mare just said. "Seriously?"

Twilight nodded. "Seriously. It seems to be a one in a million chance thing, but upon appearing in Equestria, your body had become exposed to our magic, and now, you have the ability to use Equestria's magic at will."

“DUDE, THAT’S FUCKING AWESOME! PRAISE BE THE FONZ!” you hollered at the top of your lungs, eliciting a few annoyed looks from nearby patrons.

You really didn’t give a fuck, though.

You never give fucks.

Never.

She sifted through her vast collection of documents, before levitating a manilla folder over to you. You opened it and tipped it upside down. Several charts and logs of various times you had apparently used magic spilled out.

As you examined them, Sparklebutt explained what it all meant. "On top of that, based on my observations, your magical abilities have increased exponentially since you arrived in Equestria four months ago. Since then, you have gone from having no abilities to being able to use basic levitation spells on small objects such as beer bottles and TV remotes in a couple months. Fast forward to the present, you can use advanced teleportation, summoning, and shield spells with ease.”

“Neat,” you commented on the whole situation.

“That’s the understatement of the century,” Twilight remarked. “You are able to do all of this without any schooling or training, formal or otherwise, as far as I know." For the first time ever, Twilight looked dumbfounded. "I honestly have no explanation for it."

You leaned back into your chair as the mare stopped talking and focused on her beer, taking in all the new information you just received. It was clear these magical abilities were gifts from the Fonz to reward you to your dedication to broship.

You couldn't wait to abuse the fuck out of it.

"There's more," Twilight spoke up, interrupting your inner dialogue. She leaned forward towards you, leaving only inches between your faces as she spoke in a hushed tone. "Have you been having any weird dreams lately? Dreams that feel a little too real to be dreams?"

Shit, you had almost forgotten about that.

"Yeah, actually. Funnily enough, that's the main reason why I wanted to talk you," you responded.

"I figured it would come up," she said as she put out another document for you to look at. She went on as you examined it. "Among every human with magical abilities that has been studied, it's been recorded that all of them experienced the same thing you did." She stared into your eyes as she said the next sentence. "They aren’t dreams, Anon, they’re memories. You’re having memories of your life before Equestria.”

!

"Out of curiosity, what was your memory, Anon?" Twilight inquired, wonder glistening in her eyes as she continued. "If it's something that could clue us in on what extra-equestrian human culture is like, we could make history by publishing it."

"I don't think you're going to get much information on human culture from this memory, bro," you responded, killing the mare's hopes and dreams.

"Oh..." She said, her face displaying her disappointment. "So what was it about?"

You opened your mouth to speak, but you were cut off by a demoralized worker plopping your food off at your table without so much as a word.

Your hunger got the best of you and immediately you grabbed a handful of fries, shoved them in your mouth, and washed them down with some beer. “I was in a bed with what I assume was my girlfriend, or wife, I don't know,” you began to retell the mare what you could remember, “She was going off to fight in some war, and it was our last night together before she left.”

“A war?” The mare pulled out a notepad and quill seemingly out of nowhere as her interest was piqued, “Can you tell me more about that?”

“Not much, to be honest. I’m assuming we were too busy being depressed about being split up for a half a year to go into detail about the conflict,” you said with a shrug. “All that was mentioned a country called the ‘you-ess’ was getting involved with a conflict that another country called Russia was involved in.”

Twilight looked somewhat disappointed but jotted down the information you provided anyways. “What about your girlfriend? Do you know anything about her role in the war?"

"Iunno. She mentioned something about being a contractor or something," you responded, before flashing the mare an annoyed glare. "Do you want me to tell you what happened, or not?"

"Sorry, Anon," Twilight apologized with a sheepish grin. "It's just we know next to nothing about humanity because only a select few can remember anything about their lives before they showed up in Equestria, and the ones that do only remember bits and pieces."

“Yeah, yeah, I know," you scowled before shooting the mare a reassuring smile. "It's all good, Sparklebutt."

She matched your smile. "Please, continue. I'll try to keep the interruptions to a minimum," she reassured you with a wink.

You felt your jeans become tighter around the hips from that gesture.

At the urgence of the mare sitting across from you, you continued to tell her what you remembered with as much detail as possible. She listened, giving you her complete attention as you described the woman you shared a bed with, what you felt, and what you said. The princess kept her promise, not interrupting again as you talked.

"Twilight," you spoke up as you concluded your tale. Her ears perked up at the use her real name as she gave you a questioning look. "Is there anyway for me to remember more? I'm sure you have some way you could help me."

She scratched her scalp as pondered your question. "Well, as far as I know from my research, there isn't at the moment. However, I have a few ideas." She smiled at you as she began to collect her things. "I have a feeling I'll have something worked out the next time you decide to wander by my castle on accident."

You blinked in response to her statement.

You knew she was joking... but you couldn't help feeling like a horse's ass.

No pun intended.

After a couple brief moments of silence, you spoke up. "Hand me some paper and something to write with, Sparklebutt."

She gave you a questioning look, but complied, handing over what you requested. You flashed her a grateful smirk before you wrote down a series of numbers, then handed it back. "Here, it's my cell number. Call me when you're ready to get started, or if you just want to bro down."

She took a moment to react, before flashing you a look of shock and disbelief. "You're actually giving me your phone number? You flat out refused the last time I asked for it, and that was a court order."

"Hey, a girl can change her mind, right?" You said with a smirk.

"You're not a girl, Anon."

"Check your privilege, shitlord. I'm whatever my mental illness says I am," you glared harshly at the mare.

She gave you an unamused look, clearly not phased by your advanced level of mental regression.

"Tough crowd," you commented before moving on. "feel free to text or call me whenever. Even if it isn't important and you just wanna chill, I'm completely down, Sparklebutt."

She dropped her annoyed expression and grinned as she took in your offer. "I'll be sure to take you up on your offer, Anon."

You returned her smile, before rising up from your seat. "Anyways, I really, really would love to stay and hang out, but I have a lot I gotta process."

Twilight gave you a nod. "It's alright, I understand."

"Text me, bitch. We'll chill later," you promised, holding back a Netflix ‘n’ chill joke so she wouldn't get the wrong idea.

With that, the two of you waved goodbye at each other before you left the building.

After a long and tiring walk, one which killed way too many gains for your liking, you found yourself back at Sweet Apple Acres.

"Hey Anon!"

?

You followed the source of the voice and spotted Big Mac trotting towards you, Applebutt (you thought that was her name) following close behind him.

“What it do, my niggas?” You greeted them with a wave, “Want a beer?”

“But ya don’t-”

“Yes I do, I’m magic, BITCH,” you said with a manic grin before willing a six pack into existence before them. Ignoring their shocked expressions, you let the six pack float in front of you as you grabbed a couple bottles from it, before sending it off back to the fifth dimension. You popped the bottle caps off with your titanium erection, then handed one of the bottles over to Big Mac. “Here bro, drink up.”

Big Mac didn’t even seem to notice or care about the fact he just opened his beer with your dick as he took a drink from it. He gave you a weird look before saying, “Bruh… since when are ya magic?”

You took a long drink from your beer, allowing the fresh, fatty-liver inducing alcohol flow through your veins before answering. "Apparently since I got here according to Sparklebutt. And by her assessments, I'm pretty good," you responded with a smirk. "Neat, huh?"

"Ah guess..." he shrugged, before downing the rest of his beer in one breathe. "Can Ah get another one?"

"Sure bro," you followed his lead and finished off your beer, before tossing the empty bottle aside (which subsequently exploded off screen) and summoning a couple of fresh beers. You tossed your bro one and took a drink from the remaining one.

"Wow, that's pretty cool, Anon," you looked down at filly as she spoke, "So, are you like a unicorn or somethin' now?"

"Nah bro, I'm like a more hood version of Harry Potter, or a jedi who also lives a double life as a pimp," you answered like that made any sense before looking back up at Big Mac. "Hey fam, you got anything going on? I was thinking we could pretend to adopt orphans then ditch them the moment they get their hopes up."

"That's pretty fucked," your bro pointed out.

"I know, isn't it lovely?" you said with a shiteating grin.

He shook his head at your ridiculous idea, before speaking. "Ah'd be down ta hang, Anon, but Ah got plans with Applebloom here."

"That's what her name is?" you pried.

"What?"

"Nothing. Continue."

He raised a brow at your behavior but did as you asked. "We're entering in the Brotherhooves Social together."

You tilted your head in confusion as you regarded the stallion with a raised brow. "Nigga, what the fuck is a 'brotherhood special’?"

"It's like the Sisterhooves Social, only all siblings can enter," the smallest horse there responded for your bro. "It was created after Big Mac here dressed like a mare ta help me win the competition, even though we got disqualified at the end."

You blinked, not quite believing what the filly just said.

However, upon looking over to your bro, you quickly realized that what she was saying was the truth as you noticed the mortified look cross his face.

“Oh fuck, she isn’t kidding, is she?” you asked the stallion, a mirthful smirk crossing across your cheeks.

“Anon, Ah-”

“That’s fucking priceless!” You snickered, much to the dismay of your bro. Applebloom, being the homie that she is, quickly joined in on laughing at the red stallion. Big Mac snorted in annoyance, before he began to walk away. “Hey Big Mac, wait! We’re just playin’!” He stopped, and began to turn around to trot back to you. “Hey, Mac, I got a question for you.”

“What?” he said, leering at you.

With a smug grin, you popped your question. “Do you want me to call you Caitlyn from now on?”

Blissful satisfaction and crushing pain overcame you as the stallion buried his hoof into your stomach with the strength of a thousand men (or one feminist who sat down too fast). Your smug grin refused to yield, but your knees obliged, as you doubled over onto the ground with the pain being too much to bear.

“Fuck off, bro,” he said with a satisfied grin before trotting off.

“Your sister has a great ass…!” you weakly shouted after him.

“Thanks fer the compliment, Anon!” the underageb& chirped with an amused grin, still standing beside your limp body.

“Not you! That’s w-wrong,” you grimaced at both the pain and the thought of this story turning into The Light of Tsukimi Manor. You decided to stop being a candy-ass and got yourself up and began looking about for your bro, only to find him long gone. “That dick! I wanted to make more Caitlyn Jenner jokes!”

“Who’s Caitlyn Jenner?” Applebloom asked with a raised brow.

“Some dude,” you answered with a shrug before picking yourself up off the ground. “Whelp, better go fuck off and do something retarded. Catch you on the flip, lil’ homie.”

“Alright Anon, Ah’ll see ya around,” you turned away and began to walk away from the mare, only to stop in your tracks as she called after you.

“Hey Anon!”

You looked over your shoulder, spying her trotting over to you. “What’s up, homie?”

“Ya wanna poke fun at Big Mac some more?” she asked with her trademark smug grin.

You turned completely around and gave her your full attention. “Go on, nigga.”

“Then ya should come along with us. Ya can mess around with him and cheer us on ta victory. It’ll be a blast, Anon.”

“HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM,” you hmmed loudly as you thought over the filly’s proposal. “Sure, lil homie, that sounds fun as fuck. I’ll-”

Suddenly, a lightbulb appeared above your head as the perfect idea came to you.

Literally.

“Uh, Anon, what in the hay is that?” Applebloom asked, pointing at the object floating above your noggin, completely disregarding any sense of reality like the badass it was.

“Huh?” you looked up, spotting the light bulb floating above you. “Fuck if I know, to be honest.” You grabbed it out of the air and threw it to the side, before facing the filly once more. “Actually, lil homie, I have a much better idea.”

She was about to ask what the fuck you were talking about, but you couldn’t wait. You sprinted away from the filly with your arms flying behind you like you were some fucking faggot twelve year who watched way too much Naruto.

It wasn’t long before you spotted Lyra and Barb chilling outside the farmhouse using one of your various Bad Dragon dildos to play fetch with the Apple family’s doggo.

“HEY FAGGOTS!” You screamed at them like an autismo off his medication.

The two of them took a break from fucking around and turned your way. Not wanting to keep them waiting, you quickly closed the distance between you and them.

"What's poppin', my g?" Barb asked, regarding you with a raised brow.

A manic grin crossed your face as your stared down the small dragon. "You. Me. Brotherhood's Social. Let's go upgrade our bond and wreck some faggots in the Fonz's name."

"Aw shit, son!" She exclaimed, before raising her claw up for a high five. "I am so down, bro."

"Fuck yeah, bro!" You accepted her offer, slapping your palm against hers. "WITH OUR POWERS COMBINED, WE SHALL BECOME A WEAPON TO SURPASS METAL GEAR."

The sound of the mare beside you clearing her throat brought your autism to a grinding halt.

"Hey bruh, what about me?” Lyra inquired with a raised brow. “You can't leave a bro behind, my dude,” she pointed out with a cocky smirk.

It was true. Back when the Fonz roamed the Earth, spreading broship and fucking bitches wherever he went, he set forth a set of guidelines for all bros to abide by. These guidelines were named 'The Bro's Commandments', and any bro who broke these strict commandments without good reason would have their title of bro revoked.

One of the most important commandments was that you were never to leave your bro behind, no matter what.

Being the holy person that you were, you intended to follow the Fonz's commandments to the letter.

"Of course, my dude, I didn't forget you," you responded, giving the mare a reassuring pat on the head. "You're going to be our hot as fuck coach that's also the forbidden love interest."

"Woot!" The mare cheered, before shooting you a big ass smile. "I'm in, brah."

"FUCK YEAH, BRO!" You shouted in excitement, shooting your fist in the air.

"FUCK YEAH!" She echoed you, before throwing herself at you. You caught her in your arms as you embraced each other in explosive display of bromance. As she clung onto you, she looked up you and grinned. "I fucking love your ass, dude."

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” you said with a mischievous grin.

“Hey! Fuck you, man!” She exclaimed, lightly slugging you in the stomach. “You’re supposed to say it back!”

“>implying,” you implied as if you were Vlad the Implier himself. Real niggas didn’t talk about feelings. Only fake niggas who go to sleep before real nigga hours do gay shit like that.

The two of you separated, bringing an end to what was likely the most intense brohug of the current year.

“Alright nigga,” you said to the unicorn, “bring the car around, I don’t want to kill anymore gains by walking places. Shit’s mad gay, you feel?”

“Yeah, I feel bro, I feel.”

“Plus, you know, you can’t pick up hoes when you’re walking around. You need a bitchin’ ride, bro. You get me?”

Lyra nodded sagely before running off to grab her bitchin’ ride. You watched her go, keeping an eye trained on her top-shelf quality booty as she went, before popping a squat and pressing your hands together as if you were praying.

Barb picked up on your aesthetics and immediately squatted besides you, mimicking your pose.

“Now all we need is a couple cans of Arizona and some bucket hats, then we’d be in business,” you commented. The young dragon nodded in agreement.

“I got some Yung Lean bumpin’, if that helps,” she said, pointing to her headphones.

You flashed her a thumbs up, signaling her your approval. Barb grinned in response before turning her attention to her tunes.

In the distance you could hear the roar of your bro’s car’s engine as she started it up. Not long after, the glorious muscle car rolled to a stop in front of you and your scaly companion. The driver’s side window rolled down and out poked Lyra’s head, who was now wearing a bitchin’ pair of shades. “Get in losers, we’re going to Hot Topic!”

“IT’S NOT JUST A PHASE, MOM!” you shouted to the sky before sliding over the car hood and jumping into the passenger seat, your style earning some well deserved applause from the driver.

“LET’S FUCKING GO!” Barb exclaimed as she materialized in your lap.

“FUCK YEAH!”

“WOOT!”

Lyra worked the stick (l-lewd) as she slammed her hoof down on the accelerator.

...only to immediately stall the engine.

“FUCK!” the minty pone cried in despair.

“YOU FUCKING SUCK!” You snorted in amusement before breaking down into a fit of laughter, something the small draggo in your lap was quick the emulate.

You were overcome with immense satisfaction as Lyra’s hoof met your cheek with a loud smack, which also caused you to develop a softie.

...which was kinda awkward, considering there was a small child in your lap.

But you were drunk enough not to care.

You shot the mare a cocky grin as you covered up your shame before the dragon in your lap noticed.

“You still fucking suck.”

“Shut the fuck up, Anon.”

And so, you and your party rode onto the sunset, even though it barely one in the afternoon, your destination waiting just over the horizon.

What will our heroes face next at this mysterious Brotherhooves Social? Can they expect to overcome the odds?

Will Big Mac come out of the closet?

Will Anon discover the secret to dividing by zero?

Will Lyra ever git gud?

Find out all this, AND MORE, next time on DRAGON BALL Z!

Author's Notes:

GUESS WHO'S BACK

BACK AGAIN

MNM'S BACK

TELL A FRIEND

GUESSWHOSBACKGUESSWHOSBACKGUESSWHO'SBACK-

Part II soon fellow stalkers. Next part won't has as much boring plot setup and shit.