“HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” You did a Shaman impression for no apparent reason as you awoke.

!

“OW FUCK!” You screeched out in pain. What the fuck did you do last night? Your entire body was sore. It seriously felt like you got fucked by thirty seven guys in a row.

...

How the fuck did you even know how that felt?

You shrugged and attempted to sit up, only to realize there was a weight on your chest preventing you from moving. A soft, furry one. As if someone took a giant, furry shit on your chest.

Fearing the worst, you looked to see what disgusting beast had made it’s home on your chest, only to find Lyra snoozing peacefully on top of you.

Why the fuck is your bro snuggling with you.

The answer came to you as you placed your hand in a wet, sticky substance. As you withdrew from whatever bodily fluids you just stuck your hand in, the events of the previous couple nights came back to you.

The drunken shenanigans.

The kiss.

The freakout.

The conflict.

The realization.

The conclusion.

In the process of two days, you had not only fucked your bro (and taking her virginity, with no survivors), you think you had fallen for her as well.

Your parents, whoever the hell they were, would probably be very proud. Except for the fact that she was a small horse.

You wiped your hand off on your bro’s coat and gently pushed her off you. You sat up and took a moment to stretch out. You looked over up the mare, who was still fast asleep despite how fucking loud you were. You briefly considered waking her up, but decided against it. You had clearly done a fucking number on her; she could probably use the sleep.

Rolling out of bed, you did a flip, a spin, then finished off your flurry of bitchin’ moves by taking a swig from a conveniently placed bottle of Bacardi rum. You glanced in the direction of your closet and briefly considered throwing some clothes on, but remembered your love for feeling the breeze between your knees.

You waltzed out of your bedroom with your dick flapping around wildly as you went straight for the front door. You paused as you gripped the doorknob, and wondered why you actually needed to leave your humble abode. You had enough booze, food, and now pussy in your home to last you forever… or at least till next Friday.

There was really no point in you leaving your piece of shit apartment.

…

…

Fuck it, you needed to advance the plot somehow.

You flung open the door and moonwalked outside-

!

“JESUS FUCK! IT’S COLD AS SHIT!” You exclaimed, suddenly remembering it was the middle of fucking Winter and why you stopped streaking.

“Ara ara, nice butt Anon.” Your MILF landlady commented as she passed by you on her way up the stairs.

“Thanks bruh,” you replied, flashing her a toothy grin and a thumbs up.

She stopped halfway up the stairs and turned her head your way. “Anon, would you care to remind me when you were planning to pay me your dues?”

“Dunno.” You shrugged. “Can’t exactly work at the farm because it’s covered in white stuff, and the pimp game isn’t as strong as usual due to a downturn in the market caused by the Jews. Pimpin’ ain’t easy.”

“Hmm…” Her pleasant demeanor didn’t change at this, luckily. “Well Anon, in that case, I suggest putting that cute butt to use and getting me my bits.”

“Are you hitting on me?” An inquisitive look crossed your face as you asked this.

“No Anon, I’m telling you to let stallions fuck you in the ass for money.” She answered your question with her usual calm, pleasant smile.

“Oh.” You blinked. “L-lewd.”

“I’ll be seeing you around, Anon~” She bid you farewell as she turned back around and continued making her way towards the upstairs apartment. You took a moment to admire her fine ass and child birthing hips. You wished you could’ve stared at dat ass all day long, but alas, she entered her home before you could even bust a nut to dat fine ass booty.

Sad, but not defeated, you continued on your quest to advance the plot.

Heh… plot...

You walked through the streets of the village that you called home, enjoying the sights and the general peacefulness of the community. From what you’ve been told, there was really no better place to end up as a human, as most pony populations in different regions still had anti-human sentiments.

Of course, being the real human bean that you were, you really couldn’t have given two fucking shits about whether any random ass horses liked you or not. You were fucking Anonymous, destroyer of cunts, and it just so happened that the majority of cunt owners here were small multicolored horses. So things just kinda worked in your favor.

An intense shiver ran up your spine as you finished your thought, and you remembered you hadn’t bothered going back inside to grab some clothes before running off. You shrugged, figuring that feeling the breeze between your knees wasn’t worth the genital frostbite, and willed some stylish clothing into existence. You threw them on and examined yourself in a conveniently placed puddle. You found that you were now dressed in the ever stylish outfit that Michael Jackson wore in the “Thriller” music video.

Fuckin' savage.

No longer freezing your balls off, you focused on other things, such as your surroundings. You realized you were in the town center, just fifty or so feet away from city hall. There was nobody interesting hanging around, just a bunch of suits, Royal Guards, and beggars.

Too lazy to walk anywhere else, you decided to make due with what you had and decided to fuck around with some homeless dude. Most of them were winos, so at least you’d be able to drink with them.

You examined the various vagrants that called the town center “home”. Not many stuck out to you, save for the occasional homeless human. Knowing from experience that the Equestrian government would give you all the money you could ever need (and then some) to survive, it was really weird to see a human begging for money.

...wait, weren’t you supposed to be one of only three humans in this town? That’s what the intro said, didn’t it?

Whatever, no one remembers that shit. Apparently, there’s more humans in town than you realized.

Your fourth-wall-breaking was brought to a halt as you stopped in front of a young dragon, probably not much older than Twilight’s little purple homie. She was adorned in dark red scales, and clearly needed a bath. She was doing what you assumed what was the dragon version of a squat, and held a cardboard sign that read “5 bits = suck a dick”

“Yo lil homie, don’t you think you’re a little young to be turning tricks?” You asked the dragon.

“Huh?” She flashed you a confused look.

You said nothing, only motioning to her sign.

She glanced down at her sign. “Oh!” She looked back up at you, lighting up. “Nah, I’m just being ironic. I take money from unsuspecting perverts and tell them to suck a fat one.”

You snorted in amusement. “Shit lil dude, you’re a real fucking nigga. Nothing like that little fake ass nigga that lives with Twilight.”

“Who?” The dragon raised a curious brow at you.

“Oh, she’s just some princess who wants my dick,” you said casually, before glancing weirdly at her. “Wait, how do you not know her? She’s been ruling for like, five years or something.”

“I can’t read.”

“Oh.” You scratched the back of your head awkwardly.

“So you actually chill with princesses? Like, you’re not bullshitting me so you can look cool, right? Because that shit would be pretty pathetic,” she remarked with a smirk.

“Nah bruh, I chill with Twilight all the fucking time. She’s like the Princess of Friendship or some shit, so she’s kinda forced to deal with humans who wind up in Ponyville. Well, except for Pablo, you kinda need to be considered a person.”

“Dude, fuck Pablo.”

“I know, right? Fucking manlets.” You shook your head.

The dragon decided to get shit back on track. “So, if you hang out with princesses, you must be pretty loaded, right?” She flashed you a hopeful look.

“Nah nigga, I’m fucking broke,” you responded.

“Oh…”

She looked as if you had just kicked her in the face and then spit in her mouth. She probably just wanted some change or something.

You weren’t the type of nigga who’d put niggas down like that.

“Shit lil dude, I might not have any change lying around, but if you want, your ass can come chill with me today. Homeless people need to eat, right?”

“Of course we need to eat, dude.”

“Bitchin’, let’s hit up my bro’s place and force him to cook shit for us. His ass is probably lonely as fuck right now, since for some reason the reader’s didn’t want any Big Mac chapters in a story where he’s supposed to be the main character in.”

“Yeah- wait, what?”

“LET’S GO, LIL NIGGA!”

KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-!

The front door to the Apple family's homestead swung open, and out stepped Big Mac’s big booty toting sister, Applejack.

!

AND SHE’S GOT A GUN!

“AH TOLD YA’LL, WE DON’T WANT TA BUY-”

“YO AJ, CHILL BRUH, IT’S ME!” You shouted over her, pushing her double barrel out of your face before she decided to turn your ass into Two Face.

“Anon?!” She looked at you with the biggest ‘oh shit’ face you’ve ever seen. “Land's sake, Anon, ya got a death wish or somethin’?”

“Yeah, something like that.” You shrugged indifferently, Yung Lean playing softly in the distance.

“Wait…” she eyed you up and down suspiciously, before aiming her double barrel back at your face, “ANON DOESN’T WEAR PANTS.”

This time, however, you remained calm. “Applejack, if you strike me down, my erection shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine,” you stated, with a pelvic thrust to emphasize your point.

The mare regarded you with a raised brow, before tossing aside her weapon (which exploded off screen). “Okay, it’s definitely ya. Nobody but the real Anon would say anything like that.”

“I’m one of a kind, baby,” you flashed her a thumbs up and a toothy grin, “just like that glorious 10 out of 10 rump you’re packing.”

A smile spread across Applejack’s lips. “Well, a mare’s gotta look nice. Thanks for noticin’, Anon.” She glanced inside for a moment, before turning back to you. “Ah’m assuming yer here for a legitimate reason and not just ta compliment muh rear end, right?”

“Huh? Oh yeah. I was gonna kick Big Mac in the balls and call him a faggot, then join you guys for…” you paused, checking your watch for the time, “uh, lunch, I guess.”

“We call it dinner, sugarcube,” she pointed out.

“I don’t speak pirate.”

“Ah ain’t speakin’-” she stopped responding to your stupidity as she noticed the small, red dragon casually chilling on your shoulder, “Hey Anon, who’s yer new friend?”

“You’re seriously just noticing me?” the dragon asked with a raised brow.

“Ya kinda tune everything else out when yer dealin’ with Anon,” Applejack said with an unamused look, before looking back at expectantly, “Ya gonna answer my question?”

“Uh… fuck, I didn’t get her name,” you responded, scratching the back of your head awkwardly. “Probably should’ve been one of the first things I did…”

“It’s cool, dude,” she waved off your social (and partially mental) retardation. “The name’s Barbie, but you can call me Barb if you’re too lazy to say the last bit.”

“I’m sure the writers are just too lazy to type in the extra two letters most of the time,” you commented.

“Dude, what are you babbling on about?” Barb asked, bewildered by your behavior.

You ignored her. “Anyways, yeah, this is Barb. She’s a pretty cool guy. She fights aliens and doesn’t afraid of anything.”

“Well memed,” the dragon commented.

“Thanks bruh,” you flashed Barb a grin, before turning back to the orange mare, “so are we on the list or not, fam?”

“Well, Ah ain’t one to turn a hungry friend away, even if they brought friends of their own. Ah’ll prepare a couple plates for ya’ll,” she said as she waved you in and trotted back inside.

As she walked away from you and your companion, you quickly became entranced by perfect ass and amazing hip sway. Her tail swayed from side to side, allowing you to get a peak of the mare's l-lewd bits.

Fucking nice.

Having been hypnotized by the almighty ass, you followed her inside.

The booty led you into the dining room, where the rest of the Apple family was busy stuffing their faces with various apples and apple accessories.

"What up?!" You greeted them like the fucking retard you were, "Daddy big dick's back in town!"

"Yer late!" Granny Smith hollered, glaring daggers at you.

You blinked. "Nigga, what?"

"Ignore er', she hasn't had er' happy pills yet." The youngest at the table spoke up.

You decided to follow Applebumm's advice, did a 360, and moonwalked over to the empty seat beside your bro, planting your posterior on it. You looked towards him, and asked him the ultimate question. "What's really good, nigga?"

Big Mac said nothing in response, and simply grunted into the food he was currently wolfing down.

"Shit dude, you bulking or something? Cuz you're eating like how I usually drink."

The red stallion took a moment away from eating and faced you. “Eeyup,” he answered with a nod.”

“Good shit, bro, gotta get them gains. How else will you get bitches to mire’ you?" You paused, suddenly remembering you haven't drank anything since you left your apartment. “Hold that thought, man.” You dug your emergency flask out of your pocket and unscrewed the cap. You took a quick swig, letting the precious nectar it contained inside pour down your throat, replenishing your health and energy.

Ah rum, your greatest ally. If there was one thing you could always depend on, it was cheap spiced rum.

Putting your flask away, you noticed that Big Mac was looking at you with a raised brow. “Yo?”

“What’s up with the dragon?” he inquired, motioning over to the homeless dragon that sat in the chair beside you.

“Oh, her? That’s Barb. She’s a real nigga.”

“Sup?” your companion asked on cue.

“I needed a sidekick,” you shrugged, “mainly to eat waffles with.”

"WE’RE EATING WAFFLES?!” Barb perked up, her eyes sparkling with happiness, “Waffles are, like, the best thing ever.”

“See?” You smirked at your best bro, “she’s premium.”

“PREMIUM!” The dragon chirped.

“P R E M I U M,” you echoed her, as the two raised up your hands (claws, in your companion’s case) and showed off your knuckles, the word ‘PREMIUM’ spelt out across your knuckles.

“Speaking of premium,” you said as you leaned in towards Big Macintosh, “you know what word I’d use describe to your sister glorious ass?”

“Anon, don’t-”

“P R E M I U M!” you shouted over the quiet stallion, flashing him a smirk. “Yo bro, you wanna go out and kick it with me today? We haven’t actually done anything in, like, six chapters.”

Big Macintosh shrugged. “Ah don’t have anythin’ goin’ on, so Ah don’t see why not.”

“Cool shit, my fellow negro,” you said with a big ass grin, before turning towards the kitchen and shouting out, "HEY APPLEJACK!"

Moments after your shout rang throughout the house, the big bootied bitch you were addressing exited the kitchen, carrying both your companion’s meal and your own. “Hmm?”

“Due to minority quotas, your ass is being invited to come chill with us,” you stated, your pants tightening that the mention of Applejack’s perfect ass, “you down?”

She shook her head. “Ah’d love ta, sugarcube, but Ah’m goin’ to be meetin’ up with Pinkie and Dash at the Salty Sailor.”

Your dick went flaccid with disappointment, but immediately hardened once again as a thought entered your head. “It’s cool, nigga. Because we’re crashing your little get together…”

“WITH NO SURVIVORS!” your newly acquired dragon companion shouted out on cue.

You high-fived your homie, then turned your attention back to Applejack. “Every party needs a big guy, and I’m pretty fucking swole, nigga. So are we in, or what?”

“Well sure, the more the merrier, Ah suppose,” the orange mare responded with a smile, “Ah’m sure the girls wouldn’t mind a few extra heads.”

“FUCK YEAH BOYO,” you exclaimed, getting extremely hyp. “Aight niggas, let’s eat and get the fuck out of here.”

After enjoying a healthy lunch (or whatever those fucking pirates called it) of apples, apples, and even more fucking apples, you and your party quickly fucked off before Granny Smith’s senile ass started making you guys do work.

Now, you were on your way back to Ponyville.

“I LOOOOOVE YOOOOU JEEEESUS CHRIIIIIIIIIIIST,” you and Barb sang together, showing off your impressive taste in patrician music off to any who dared listen, “JEEEEEESUS CHRIST, IIII LOOOOVE YOU, YEEEES I DOOOOOOOOOOO. I LOVE YOU JESUS CHRI-”

“Wait, who the fuck is Jesus Christ?” the dragon grill spoke up.

Resisting the urge to bitch slap her into oblivion for interrupting your music number, you gave her an answer. “Jesus Christ is my nigga.”

As you slowly approached the village, you remembered that you were short one nigga.

Figuring Lyra would most likely rather do something with you than sit around all day recovering from last night, you grabbed your phone out of your pocket and dialed her numbered.

After a few seconds of waiting, your homie picked up the phone. "MOSHI MOSHI MOTHER FUCKER!" she shouted over the line.

"Ayy bitch," you greeted your homie, "my new sidekick, Big Mac, Applejack, and I are heading to the Salty Sailor to meet up with AJ's crew. You wanna join us?"

“OH FUCK!” There was a click as your bro hung up on your ass, which was, in your expert opinion, extremely #rude.

“I guess she’ll meet us there,” you said with a shrug, “we should-”

“Wait, do ya hear that?” Big Mac spoke up, interrupting you.

“Hear what?”

“Ah hear it too,” Applejack said, “it sounds like-”

And then you heard it too. Familiar music playing in the distance, slowly growing louder.

“DESOLATION… DEVASTATION… WHAT A MESS WE MADE… WHEN IT ALL WENT WRONG!”

Suddenly, a muscle car flew over a nearby hill at an exceedingly fast pace, Mike Oldfield blasting with complete disregard to Ponyville’s noise ordinances.

The car screeched to a halt in front of you and your party, Lyra in the driver’s seat, wearing your nice scorpion jacket. Shit didn’t spare you a glance as she sang along to the lyrics. “I’M NUCLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAR… I’M WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILD!” She turned down the music, then looked towards your party. “Sup bitches? Want a ride?”

“FUCK YEAH NIGGA, ALL THIS CARDIO IS KILLING MY GAINS!” You said, before hopping into the vehicle Dukes of Hazzard style. You got situated in your seat, before pausing and looking Lyra’s way with a confused look. “Yo homie… where’d you get the car?”

“I found it,” she answered with a shrug.

“Good enough for me,” you said indifferently, before turning towards the rest of your party, “GET IN FAGGOTS, WE’RE GOING TO WHITE CASTLE!”

“Ah thought we were going to the Salty Sailor?” Applejack spoke up.

“Besides nigga, we literally just ate,” Barb pointed out.

“What’s a White Castle?” Lyra asked with a raised brow.

“Ya’ll niggas' gay,” you said with an eye roll, “Princess Celestia has her own personal white castle inside of her castle-”

“CASTLECEPTION!” Your dragon sidekick blurted out.

“Nice meme,” you complimented, before continuing, “ANYWAYS, we’re totally going to raid the shit out of that and get us some delicious sliders.”

“Or,” Applejack spoke up, “We could go meet up muh admittedly hot marefriends and go get wasted on some nice apple cider, like we already planned ta.”

“HMMMMM!” You hmm’d as you scratched your chin in thought, “yeah bro, that seems more like something I’d be into. We’ll save the White Castle raid for when I fold to Lyra’s peer pressure and blaze it with her.”

“Nice Harold and Kumaar ripoff,” Lyra stated with a smirk.

“Thanks babe,” you flashed your bro a thumbs up, before turning your attention back to the rest of your party, “now hurry up and hop in the back, niggas, my buzz won’t last forever.”

After some more shenanigans, you finally found yourself getting /comfy/ in your seat as Lyra drove like a crazy fucking maniac through the streets of Ponyville.

Looking back, hooves probably weren’t the best choice of appendages to drive stick with.

Lyra narrowly avoided running over some asshole cat taking a dump in the middle of the street and came to a halt in front of Sugarcube Corner, that one bakery that looked like it was designed by an eight year old with shit tastes in aesthetics.

Your bro slammed down on the horn, and screamed out at the bakery. “COME THE FUCK OUTSIDE, YOU FUCKING CUNTS!”

“Damn bruh, no chill,” you commented on your bro’s behavior.

Lyra let out a frustrated groan. “Fuck, I know, I know. I’m just kinda freaked over the shit that’s happened over the past couple days. I’m sure you understand, right?”

“Yeah bro, I feel you.” You leaned back into your seat, letting yourself melt into it as you got /comfy/. You looked towards the unicorn. “Would you feel better if I fucked you again?”

You heard an awkward cough from the audience in the back as you said this, but you ignored it.

“S-senpai, we’re in public.” Lyra’s cheeks mint green cheeks turned a deep shade of crimson as she looked away from you, flustered by your banter. “Besides, Applejack, Big Mac, and what’serface are right there.”

“It’s cool dude, go ahead and get some! I could use some entertainment anyways!” Barb shouted from the back, before jumping up from her seat and poking her head in between the two of you. “By the way, my name’s Barbie, but you can call me OG Barb, or just Barb if you’re a lazy fuck.”

“Nice to meet you, fam. I’m Lyra, AKA, MC Heartstrings, AKA, Rule Sixty-Three MC Ride.” The mare replied.

“She’s my bottom bitch,” you pointed out to the dragon.

“Cool, cool. A homie of Anon is a homie of mine. Bros for life, nigga,” Barb said.

“SHE SAID IT, SHE SAID THE THING!” You blurted out immediately like a sperg.

“Nigga, what did I say?” Your sidekick was perplexed by your fourth wall shattering shenanigans.

“Ignore him, he’s autistic,” Lyra stated, flashing a smug grin your way, “Bros for life, bruh.”

Before you could fucking lose it a second time, a high pitched, raspy voice prevented further you from committing further acts of autism. “Woah dude, nice ride! This one of those new car things that the humans came out with?”

You looked towards the source of the voice, spotting what appeared to be the horse version of a gay pride parade staring directly at your bottom bitch.

“Thanks fam,” Lyra shrugged off her compliments, “And yeah, it’s a car. 5.7 liter hemi engine.” Lyra slammed on the accelerator to rev the engine, but forgot she was in gear and ended up stalling the car like some basic bitch.

“Shit dude, this thing must be expensive. How’d you afford it?” you asked.

“Hoodrat shit.” Lyra gave you a glare over her shades.

Wait, when did she put on sunglasses?

“I’ve had them on the whole time, Anon.”

You felt a sweat break on your brow as you realized what she had just said.

“Excuse me?” you said, looking over your own sunglasses that had materialized politely onto your face. The two of you stared each other down for several seconds before a high pitched voice cut through your silent battle.

“Are we gonna move this story on or keep dragging it on with filler!?” Pinkie Pie shouted at the two of you.

“NIGGA, FUCK OFF, THAT’S MY SHIT!” You screamed in her face, puffing out your chest and getting her shitty pink face, “COME AT ME FAGGOT, REAL NIGGA SHIT!”

“Square up, fool!” the pink horse screeched back, throwing up her hooves.

Instead of knocking her the fuck out and stealing her wallet like you had originally planned, you stuck a thumb back and indicated the leather seat behind you.

“Ayo, let’s hit it. We’re burning daylight already.”

“Okay!” the pink horse said and leaped into the car, slamming Big Mac and Applejack into the driver’s side wall. Rainbow Dash gave a quizzical glance at the incredibly cramped back seat, and looked at you with an obvious intention to question your sanity. With a small nod, you understood, and turned to Lyra to grill your homie.

“Why the fuck did you get a two door car, there’s no room in here for all these horses, yo.”

“Fuck off mate, I’m not buying some pussy ass four door sedan. Coupé muscle master race!” Lyra twisted the key and the engine roared to life.

“Just shove the lesbian in the back, we’ll be gucci!”

You shrugged and looked at Rainbow Dash. As you were about to open your mouth though, a voice from the back spoke up.

“Look, Ah’ll just sit in Anon’s lap.” You turned around to see Applejack giving you a sheepish grin. You raised your eyebrow at her, but she went on. “That way we can all fit.”

“Bitch, step off, that’s my man! If anypony’s going to be sitting in his lap, it’s going to be my green ass!”

“But you’re driving, homie,” you pointed out.

“O-oh yeah.” The pony’s face blushed hot red, and she turned away. Applejack promptly climbed up over the center console, and you debated on whether or not to tuck your soldier that had begun to stand to attention at the thought of those apple encrusted buns straddling your crotch. Of course, the point was moot because she promptly plopped her ass in your lap before you could so much as react.

“That happy to see me, huh Anon?” Applejack said to you as she rubbed her crotch into your groin.

“S-stop it,” you said autistically while Applejack laughed and Big Mac coughed very loudly behind you. As the door shut, Lyra gunned the engine and you felt Applejack push deeper into your dick.

“Hey bro, maybe you should like, slow down,” you said as you leaned around Applejack to talk to your bro. Several ponies had already flung themselves out of the road to avoid becoming quadruple amputee’s from Lyra’s erratic driving.

“It’s cool, I don’t really care about living anymore,” she responded flatly.

“CRAWLIIIING IN MYYY SKINNN,” you heard Big Mac speak up from the back. Pinkie Pie joined in the tune, and you yourself started singing along as well.

It wasn’t long before everybody in the car was singing along.

“THESE WOUNDS, THEY WILL NOT HEALLLLL.”

Lyra, grinding her teeth, slammed down a gear and let the car slow down.

“Fine! We’re here, anyways. I need a fucking drink.” Lyra parked the car, shut it off and flung the door open, stomping down the driveway. She slammed the door loudly behind her.

“Wow, rude,” you shrugged. However, your faltering buzz seemed to echo her statement. You really, really, didn’t want to see what would happen if you sobered up for the first time since you got here.

You’d explode at least three times. At least.

You remembered you had the queen of booty on your lap, and with a prompt slap to her hindquarters, Applejack leapt out of your lap and onto the dusty road that made up the Salty Sailor’s parkway.

“Get along, little doggies!” you said in your best Brokeback Mountain impression.

“Gay,” Big Mac commented as he filed out of the back seat behind you.

“It’s not gay if it’s your sister,” you said quite smugly.

“Damn nigga, I think you’re going to need some burn heal for that one,” Barbie declared, trying to stifle a chuckle.

“This ain’t pokemon, ya autistic lizard,” Big Mac said, obviously butthurt. “Fucking weeb,” he mumbled under his breath.

“Pokemon isn’t weebshit you sperg! Fuck right off!” Barbie shouted in the stallion’s face, before looking over to you, her eyes hoping for some real nigga back up.

“Can you two, like, shut the hell up?!” Rainbow Dash demanded.

“LOUD NOISES!” Pinkie Pie shouted out at the top of her lungs.

The multicolored pegasus ignored her. “I really just wanna find some tail here. I’ll see you guys later.” The mare plodded off and left the four of you alone in the dust. Shrugging, you decided to moonwalk your way into the mecca of booze. The squad trailed behind, but Barb ran to catch up with your stylish ass.

“Hey Anon, what was up with Lyra earlier?” the little dragon asked.

“Iunno. Period maybe?”

“Uh…”

“Nah, she was probably just being ironic. She could give a fuck about that shit.”

Barb gave you a concerned look, but like the real nigga you are, you stuck to your word and ignored her as you slammed the door open to the bar. Light flooded into the dingy establishment and you greeted your beloved second home.

“REAL NIGGA HOURS! WHO UP? HIT THAT SHIT!”

“It’s only three in the afternoon, you stupid fuck!” some drunk in the other corner of the room shouted at you.

“SHUT,” you shouted back, and traipsed over to the bar.

“Ayy lmao,” you greeted the bartender, your one and only friend who really understood you best, Good ol’ Salty Dogg.

“Howdy Anon,” the old stallion greeted you gruffly. “So what'll it be today, buddy?”

“Double shot of Jameson, on the rocks.” You slid a couple of bits on the table. “And a single shot of rum for my lil homie here.”

“But Anon I’m only twelve.”

Salty looked down on the little dragon with a glaring eye.

“Uhh, I can’t serve her alcohol.”

You slid yet more bits onto the bar, looking your friend straight in the eye.

“She’s got Webster’s disease, mate.”

“Shame that is,” the stallion mumbled, and scooped the bits off the bar, only to be quickly replaced by the aforementioned drinks. “There ya go, buddy.”

“Baller,” you said, snatching up your drinks. You handed the little shot glass to Barb and held your own tumbler aloft for a toast. “To illegal underage drinking!” you said, clinking your glass on your homie’s and tipped the glass to your lips.

After taking a heavy swig, you looked down on your lil homie, who had taken her own sip. Her face was screwed up, though, and you gave her a curious look.

“Y’allright?” you asked, but the dragon put up a finger, and suddenly let out an extreme, fire-fueled burp. It caught your pants on fire, and with a shout, you leapt up and started trying to get the flames out.

“Fuck man!” you shouted as the last of the purple flames disappeared, leaving your orange leather pants with singed holes. Barb had a claw over her mouth, eyes wide.

“I-I’m so sorry, man! I didn’t know that would happen, I-I’ve never had alcohol before. It went down the wrong hole I guess…”

“Heh.. That’s what she said,” a drunk muttered next you at the bar.

You were pretty pissed, but remembered you could just will your pants into new condition anyways, so you decided to let bygones be bygones, or some shit. You bent down and comforted your homie.

“Its cool man. Shit happens.” You patted her on the back and her shock seemed to slowly melt away into comfort. “Let’s go join the squad at the table, yeah?”

Barb nodded quickly and broke into a smile. You grabbed another (non-alcoholic) drink for her and headed back to the table to commune with your bros.

“Have you guys heard the word of our lord and savior, the Fonz?” You inquired as you took a seat beside Lyra, your sidekick taking the seat immediately to your left. She took her drink and scooted away from you as you sat down next to her.

Wow, rude.

Ignoring her lame ass, you willed a pack of cards out of existence and began shuffling them.

“Ya’ll ever play Strip Poker before?” you asked, feeling saucy.

“Anon, we aren’t wearing clothes!” Pinkie Pie said, bursting your bubble.

“Fuck,” you muttered. “Okay well what if I just take all my clothes off and we’ll play clothes poker.”

“That sounds stupid.” Big mac said into his drink.

“Nigga, fuck you. I just wanted to see some ass.”

“Ok, then look around.” He indicated with an extended hoof at the bar scene before you. For a Tuesday afternoon, it was actually rather busy, which was a testament to the fact that there was literally nothing to do in a small town except get drunk. You noticed Rainbow Dash in the far corner, chatting with some hot looking piece of ass.

“I KNEW SHE WAS A LESBONER,” you shouted across the room, but your voice was drowned out by the crowd around you and the jukebox playing Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ on a Prayer” at max volume for the tenth time in the hour.

Seriously, fuck that song.

“Huh?” Pinkie huh’d at you from across the table.

“Never mind,” you said, feeling your need for a drink overriding the need for the booty. You took a large sip of your whiskey and felt a need for some plot progression.

As if on cue, Lyra spoke up next to you.

“Anon, can I talk to you?”

“Sure brah, whats up.”

“I meant in private.”

“O-oh, okay.” You stood up with her and wandered down the hallway at the other end of the bar, near the bathrooms.

“Sup?”

“Don’t ‘sup’ me, asshole! What the fuck was up with that shit with Applejack earlier?” She glared at you, her gold iris burning a hole in your brain.

“What, a nigga can’t get some?” You raised a brow at the mare’s behavior. “That’s a fine piece of ass. Cockblocking me is pretty unbro, bro. Totally against the Bro Code.”

Lyra’s face fell from a frown to a downright look of sorrow, and tears started forming at the corners of her eyes.

“Anon, I thought we had something special! You took my virginity last night! I-I thought that fucking meant something between us.” She stomped a hoof and shut her eyes closed, looking away. “But I guess I shouldn’t have expected much more from you than that, you fucking pig.”

You threw your hands up in self-defense at the mare’s words.

“The fuck, brah? First of all, fucking rude. Second of all, that’s really fucking rude. Thirdly, if you knew I was some kind of womanizing manwhore, then why did you bother sleeping with me in the first place?” You crossed your arms. This shit was really pissing you off; you liked your bro because she didn’t bring this shit up like most women.

“I don’t fucking know. Maybe I thought you would change for me. I guess that was a fucking far away dream.” Lyra sniffled a little and wiped the tears out of her eyes. “You know what? Fine. If you want to be that way, then forget it happened.”

“So thats it? Just forget all of it?” You grimaced.

“Yep. That’s it. Nothing happened.”

You crossed your arms, flashing your bro a condescending look. “Nigga, you and I both know that’s a load of shit.”

“Shit or not, that’s how it is. So fucking drop it. Nothing. Happened,” Lyra said through gritted teeth. She stared at you darkly.

“Dude, fuck that noise. Shit’s too late for that now.” You squatted, getting on eye level with the mare. “Look, what we had was special, and I won’t forget it. No matter how much I try, or you try to get me to, I won’t.” You put hand on the mare’s shoulder and squeezed lightly. “But you know me, and I can’t be one woman’s man. Everything we do is special, though, and you know that. I’m happy to spend time with you no matter what it is.”

Lyra sniffled a little, but her gaze showed she wasn’t quite convinced.

“You and I are bros, for life. We always will be.”

“Heh… you said the thing.,” she chuckled between sniffs.

“Yeah man. Look, we’re still bros, and sex won’t change that. Okay?”

“Yeah…” Lyra gazed down at the floor for a bit, and she promptly looked up with a small smile. Giving you a little kiss, she smiled wider and gave you a dirty look. “You sure we should just stay bros? I won’t lie… I kind of liked the idea of having that cute ass of yours all to myself.”

“S-stop,” you said autistically once more. “I dunno man. I think we should play this out, and see where we go. That okay with you?”

“I guess,” Lyra said, a little crestfallen. “Yeah, that’ll be just fine bro. But, uh,” she added hesitantly, “can we still fuck like wild animals on the reg?”

“Don’t see why the hell not,” you replied, feeling your pants tighten in response to her teasing glare.

“Then it’s a deal. I’m, uh, sorry I was being such a cunt, man.” She smiled sheepishly at you, but you waved your hand nonchalantly.

“S’all good my nigga. You can pay me back with some netflix 'n' chill later on,” you smirked at your bro, patting her on the head reassuringly. “Let's get back to our drinks and bros.”

“Sounds good to me,” Lyra giggled as you both walked back over to your table.

“SO DIDJA BANG!?” Barb shouted at maximum volume as the two of you came back to the table. “I BET SHE SWALLOWED!” Barb went on excitedly as you sat down. You cocked an eyebrow at the little dragon who was acting a lot more excitable than usual.

“The fuck’s up with you?” you asked, seating your drink in its regular place back in your hand.

“I gave her the rest of my drink!” Pinkie Pie said through a giggle as the dragon laughed along with her.

“Nigga, you know she’s like twelve, right,” you said over your drink.

“Aw, c’mon party pooper! She’s already an adult. I was drinking bottles of wine at the Sabbath when I was like nine!”

“Holy horsefeathers, Pinkie. I didn’t know ya were some kind of Jew,” Applejack glared darkly at the pony.

“Oh no, I’m not. It was just a great way to get some free booze.” The pony giggled and sipped at her island-ass drink with the little umbrella.

“I like her,” you said, pointing a finger at the loud horse.

“I like you too, Nonee! No hetero, though.”

“Fuck right off, that’s our thing!” Lyra shouted, but everyone ignored her.

“I thought you were Amish, Pinkie,” Rainbow Dash said, finally making her way back to home base.

“No, that’s just one of the writers. Did you score with that nice lady mare, Dashie?” Pinkie asked, batting her eyelashes.

“Nah, she was bein’ a cunt,” Dash said, moping, but quickly reacted to the question. “I mean, not like I was hitting on her or anything. Shut up, Pinkie.”

“Get rekt, bitch!” Barb shouted at Dash.

“Hey, who invited Spike? Isn’t he like, twelve? And useless?”

“That ain’t Spike. Spike’s a fake nigga. He’s not even up during real nigga hours, even though he like’s my Ponyhoof statuses the next morning.” You shot the rainbow horse a glare. “Check your fucking privilege.”

“Whatever,” Dash said into her drink. “Shouldn’t the plot be moving along right now or something?”

“Sure.” You turned towards the mint green unicorn sitting beside you. “Lyra, why don’t you dive under the table and give me a handjob?”

“Oh okay,” the mare obliged, spurred on by the four shots of vodka she had taken over the past couple minutes. The pony dove under the table, ignored by the rest of the horses who were busy chatting amongst themselves. After a quick swig of the remaining drink in your glass, you noticed that Yellow Hush, Sharpie Ass and The Princess of Spankings herself had moseyed up to the table to greet your friends.

“Oh, hey anon. I didn’t know you would be here,” Fluttershy spoke up behind her curtain of a mane.

“Great to see you, Anon,” Rarity smiled at you as she said hello.

“Ayo.” You greeted them. “Yeah, we decided to crash your little tea party or whatever gay shit you guys were going to be doing.”

“WITH NO SURVIVORS!” Barb shouted out.

“NO SURVIVORS!” You echoed your sidekick.

“Why is Spike here?” Twilight asked apprehensively, giving both you and Barb an unsure glance.”

“Seriously? Why would I hang out with that fake nigga. Spike’s the type of nigga who would suck dick for bus fare and then walk home. And that’s gay. Real gay.” You motioned to your sidekick in an extremely over the top manner. “This is my nigga Barb, she’s red, and fucks bitches.”

“Sup?” Your homie spoke up, flashing the purple alicorn some sort of gang sign. Or maybe she flashed her the peace sign. You were really too drunk to tell.

“Anon, how the hell am I supposed to give you a handjob if I have hooves,” Lyra’s newly emerged head spoke up from between your legs. “Oh hey, Twilight.”

Twilight looked over the scene before her, absolutely fury behind her eyes as looked at you and the horse positioned perfectly between your legs. Your heart skipped a beat, fearing the supposed demi-goddess looking at you as if she were about to destroy you and everything else within a fifty mile radius in a blink of an eye.

And then, she spoke. Her voice didn’t express anger, sorrow, or anything that you expected. It was only cold and emotionless.

“I need to go.”

And with that, the princess did a one-eighty, and trotted away.

“Well that was rude,” Lyra said with a raised eyebrow, before looking towards the other new arrivals. “Fluttershy, Rarity, great to see you guys! You guys get lewd with any sharpies lately?”

‘Excuse me?” Rarity said, taken aback.

“I mean, I noticed that I didn’t get that sharpie back. So I’m assuming…” Lyra trailed off, flashing the white unicorn a smug grin.

You saw the look in Rarity’s eyes, and spoke up. “It’s inside of you right now, isn’t it?”

The mare spoke up. “Look, if you want it back, I could have Fluttershy-”

“Ew, no, you can keep it.” Lyra flashed her a disgusted look. “I don’t mind butt stuff, but it has to be my butt.”

“Shut up,” you ordered your homie as you took a drink from your whiskey, “I want to see them get lewd again. Shit was pretty cash.”

“Same, to be honest,” Barb agreed.

“Second!” Pinkie Pie spoke up.

“Third!” Big Mac added in.

“Eh.” His sister shrugged indifferently.

“Fourth!” You cried, wishing to be the center of attention once again like the attention whore you were. “Now, about raiding Celestia’s personal White Cas-”

“PHONE CALL FOR LYRA!” You heard Salty scream out over the noise of the bar.

“Fuck.” You cursed, your plans to for unlimited, free sliders swindled from you once more.

“AW SHIT NIGGA, THAT’S ME!” Your homie downed the rest of her pint and jumped up from the table, bolting towards the bar with the elegance of an elephant with down’s syndrome.

You were tempted to take this opportunity to talk about Applejack’s grade A ass, but upon noticing that your drink was empty, you stood up from your seat. “I’m grabbing a drink. Any of you guys gonna accompany me?”

The horses at the table all took a glance at their empty glasses and rose up from their seats in unison, Barb jumping up seconds later after realizing she didn’t want to be the last nigga holding down the fort.

“Cool.”

Your party moseyed over to the bar, empty glasses in hand (well, in teeth when it came to the horses). Placing your glass down on the bar, you ordered a double dose of whiskey on the rocks, and took a seat at the bar, content to wait for your homie there.

“Yo Salty?” You got the bartender’s attention.

“Hmm?” He raised a curious brow at you.

“Why is your name spelt with two ‘G’’s?” You matched her raised brow with one of your own as you took a drink of your whiskey.

“Snoop Dogg is my adopted father,” Salty answered.

“Huh.”

You felt a hoof tap your shoulder. “Uh… Anon…?”

You did an one-eighty and faced the source of the voice, finding a concerned and slightly disturbed Lyra looking at you expectantly.

“Yeah brah?” You grabbed your drink from behind you and took a sip from it as you gave her your full attention.

“Remember that Octavia bitch?”

“How the fuck could I not?” Memories of chainsaws, helicopters, dicks, helicopter dicks, and urinals flashed through your mind at the mention of that posh bitch’s name. “Bruh, every time I see a urinal, I fucking get flashbacks and will end up finding myself screaming at random horses on the street.”

“Well, she-”

“WHY DO HORSES HAVE URINALS?” You demanded to know from the mint green unicorn. “HOW THE FUCK DO YOU FUCKERS EVEN USE THEM? FUCKING EXPLAIN IT TO ME, MAN. IT MAKES NO SENSE!”

“Anon, shut the fuck up,” Lyra looked you dead in the eye, making it clear to you she meant business.

“Alright bruh, speak,” you said, motioning to her to continue.

“The weed dude just called. She just pulled the same shit with him, he escaped, and now he’s hiding somewhere in the house.”

“Where?”

“Somewhere with a bunch of urinals.”

“Fucking typical,” you groaned out.

“Yeah, right? Anyways, I’m just gonna go call the Guard. I-”

“FUCK THAT!” you interrupted your bro, jabbing a finger in her face. “First off brah, no fucking snitching! You and I both know that’s the number one rule of the streets, and even if we’d be calling the popo on a crazy bitch who tried to kill all of us, we’d still be breaking said rule.”

Lyra nodded. “True, true.”

“Second off, bro, as devoted followers of the Fonz, as the Bro Code states, we are obligated to save the Dude’s ass,” you stated, before flashing the mint green unicorn a smirk, “besides, the last thing I want is you to be constantly bitching about the dispensaries not throwing in the little extra the Dude does.” You finished off your drink, slammed down the empty glass on the table, and jumped up from your bar stool, facing the rest of your companions. “Sorry ladies, I’d love to stay here, get wasted, and then engage in raunchy group sex with five of you, but I need to run off, kick some crazy cunts ass, and save my bro’s drug dealer.”

Big Mac trotted up to you, placing a hoof on your shoulder. “Anon, there’s no way in hell Ah’m lettin’ the two of ya go back to that shithole on yer own. Ah’m in.”

“Me too, nigga! Let’s do some real gangsta shit!” Barb spoke up.

***Barb and Big Mac have joined your party***

“Fuck yeah, niggas! It’s time to chew ass!” You declared, throwing your fist in the air as you got hyped.

“I think you fucked up that line,” Lyra pointed out.

“Fuck off, cunt.” You turned your back on her and faced the rest of the grills that weren’t being stupid cunts. “You guys gonna join us, or nah?”

“I would, but I’m sure the lazy writers don’t want to put effort into writing in an additional five characters in something that is somewhat serious,” Pinkie Pie pointed out. The other four mares nodded in agreement.

“Also…” Fluttershy spoke up, “I’m too… uh…”

“Too much of a scared little bitch?” Your dragon homie finished for her.

“Um… yes, that,” the yellow horse nodded slowly to emphasize her answer.

“No you aren’t,” you said, picking the pink haired pegasus up out of her barstool.

“Eep!...”

“Fluttershy, look at me.”

“N-no,” she protested weakly.

This. Fucking. Bitch.

“LOOK AT ME!” You shouted in her face, utilizing your best Batman impression possible.

Shakily, the mare looked you in the eyes.

“WHERE’S THE JOKER?!” you demanded from her.

“W-who…?” She squeaked out.

“Wait, shit, wrong line,” you coughed awkwardly, before going on, “Homie, it’s time for your next lesson in the magic of broship.”

“Oh… alright… what’s the next lesson?”

“That’s a good question…”

The two of you stared at each other awkwardly for the next couple minutes, the horse in your hands too much of a pussy to speak, and you being too fucking retarded to say anything.

Eventually, somebody broke the silence.

“Uh…” Fluttershy raised a brow at you expectantly.

“Oh yeah, that’s right! Today, you’re going to learn that when someone fucks with your bro, you’re obligated to just-”

“FUCK THEIR SHIT UP, FAM!” All the bros in the nearby vicinity finished your sentence for you. You took time to individually flash them all the thumbs up and tip them appropriately to show your appreciation (not too much, of course, you had to keep the poor poor), before turning your attention back to the pony you were holding.

“Anyways homie, you’re coming with us, so we can transform you into a real nigga. Aight?”

“I guess…”

“Cool shit.”

***Fluttershy has joined your party***

The yellow pegasus looked up to you with a pair of inquisitive blue eyes. “I’ve got a question… if that’s alright, I mean…”

“Shoot brah,” you responded, motioning her to continue.

“Will there be booze?” she inquired.

“Of coursh!”

After several long, intense minutes of drunken stumbling through town, you and your party found yourselves outside the dreaded house that haunted your dreams, home to thousands of urinals and a certain crazy bitch.

You cringed at the memory of last week’s horrible mistake. As your mentor Bill "The Pill" Cosby once told you, it’s okay to stick your dick in anything, even if there was something in that bitch’s drink, but never, ever, EVER stick your dick in crazy.

You struck a heroic pose and pointed towards the building before you.

“I’M COMING FOR YOU, YOU CRAZY CUNT!”

You charged forward, not even bothering to wait for your party members to move with you.

“WAIT ANON, WE HAVEN’T DRANK ENOUGH YET!” Fluttershy shouted after you.

“THERE’S NO TIME!” you shouted back, not even bothering to wonder why the quietest member of your party was the one shouting after you.

In one fluid motion, you whipped your cock out, still harder than a fucking diamond from the sight of Applejack’s ass. You increased the speed of your charge, and as soon as you were within a couple feet of the front door, thrust forward, propelling yourself through the heavily barricaded door without any effort.

You struck another pose, admiring the destruction you had just caused with your diamond hammer of justice as you waited for your party to catch up to you. That shit was easier to break than a hymen.

It wasn’t very long before your companions casually walked inside through the entrance you had just penetrated.

“Damn bro, that was intense,” Lyra commented, before shooting your quality dick a glance, biting her lip as she went on, “you have a really, really nice cock there, dude.”

“Thanks bruh,” you said, waggling your cock around and accidentally slapping Fluttershy with your erection. She was used to it by now. You knew this to be true.

“...So, which way do we go?” she inquired, glancing at the various hallways before you, before turning her attention back to the handle of vodka you had given her for the journey.

“Ah think we should go this way,” Big Macintosh stated, pointing down the corridor to your left.

“Nah brah, I feeling we should go right. Right is always right, nigga,” your bottom bitch said, motioning towards the hallways opposite to the one Big Mac was pointing to.

“How about we play rock, paper, scissors to figure out an answer to this most troublesome riddle?” Barb suggested.

“We have hooves.”

“Oh, right.”

You were about to tell them to shut up and let your dick decide which way to go, but you were interrupted by a loud scream of terror, immediately followed the familiar crazed laughter the mare you knew all too well.

“THIS WAY!” You shouted, pointing your dick towards the corridor immediately to your front. You sprinted forward, your arms flying behind you as you ran like an autistic middle schooler who had just binged watched Naruto for the first time, the rest of your party close behind you.

At the end of the hall, you spotted a light. You pushed your legs even harder, quickly clearing the distance between you and the end of the corridor.

!

You exited the hallway and found yourself inside a large room resembling a colloseum. The room was circled by rows upon rows of spectator seats, where hundreds- no, thousands of urinals sat, watching the scene before them intently.

You don’t know what fucked with you more, the fucking urinals, or the fact that this fucking two story house just completely ignores the laws of physics like they were a homeless man begging for money on the street.

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” was all you could get out.

“Behold peasant!” A posh voice called out from across the arena, “Your friends have come to save you!”

“...who?”

You looked towards the source of the voice, spotting the black maned horse that had been haunting you in your dreams for the past couple weeks, sitting in the lap of the minotaur you had come to save.

You immediately struck a pose, pointing towards your opponent and motioning her to fight you. “MORTAL COMBAT!”

She scoffed. “As if I’m going to get my hooves dirty by fighting you. I just got them manicured.”

[Note to self: Go for the hooves first.]

“Nigga, you don’t have much of a choice,” you stated, cracking your knuckles to emphasize your point as you began to stalk towards her.

“Actually, I do,” she said, not moving from her position.

?

Suddenly, the ceiling above exploded, creating a massive hole to appear in it.

“HAH, YOU MISSED!” you teased your opponent.

“ANON, THE DEBRIS!” Lyra cried.

“Huh?”

You looked up, and noticed the collapsing roof hadn’t just disappeared into nothingness like you expected, and was just seconds away from crashing you.

“FUCK!” Your life flashed before your eyes as time seemed to slow down, the hundreds of pounds of concrete and wood falling towards you slowing to a crawl. You took a moment to think about the amount of booze you didn’t get to drink, the amount of pussy you weren’t able to tame, and the amount of quality booty you weren’t able to admire.

Whatever, at least you got to bounce quarters of Applejack’s ass.

However, as you were about to accept your fate, the frightened screams of your companions shook you out of your trance. You shot your head towards them, and quickly realized that you weren’t the only one about to be crushed to death.

“SHIT!” With a sense of urgency, you shot your brofist towards the sky, feeling the holy power of broship fill you with warmth. In desperation, you closed your eyes and concentrated, trying make use of the power of broship to do something, anything to save your friends.

!

Suddenly, you and your friends were surrounded by a dark green bubble, much like one of those bubble shields in Halo 3. Not even a second after it appeared, the rubble collided with the shield. For the briefest of moments, you felt an intense pain inside your head as the shield took a beating from the debris, but the pain faded the moment the last piece of plywood hit the shield.

As soon as it was safe, the shield faded, and you, as well as the rest of your party, were still standing, completely unharmed.

“Dude, did you do?!” Lyra demanded from you, her eyes shining with bewilderment as she stared you down.

“Bro, I think I did!” You replied, pretty confused yourself by this change of events. You shook it off, though, as there was still an ass that needed to be kicked. Once again, you struck a pose and pointed at your foe. “NICE TRY, CUNT! BUT YOU WEREN’T EXPECTING THE POWER OF BROSHIP TO COME SAVE ME ONCE MORE! NOW, JUST FOR THAT, I REALLY AM GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS!”

Octavia smirked. “Tsk tsk, Anon. Did you really think that was the trick up my sleeve?”

“But ya aren’t wearing sleeves,” the red stallion beside you pointed out.

“Shut up,” she rolled her eyes, before shouting out, “Oh Scruffy~!”

“NANI?!”

A shadow fell over you and your group. You looked up in time to see a large mass fall through the massive hole in the roof and land before you, send up a large cloud of dust and debris. Once again, you concentrated on protecting your bros from the new danger and threw up a new shield, blocking any of the debris flying your way from hitting you or anybody in your party.

As the dust began to settle, your shield faded, and you struggled to see just what the fuck that thing was.

!

“FUCK!”

The dust had finally settled, revealing a class three janitor standing before you. You felt immediate disgust as you looked over it’s hideous form. Class three forum janitors were the weakest of the various classes of janitors and moderators, but they were still fucking huge, and very dangerous. This specific class three janitor was at least ten feet tall, and took up the surrounding twenty feet with it’s disgustingly huge rolls of fat. It had a couple of small arms, covered with cheeto dust and what appeared to be dry cum. It’s head with even small, to the point where it was even comical, and sitting atop its head was a crusty, old fedora, with several euphoric pins attached to it.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?!” Lyra freaked out, before emptying the contents of her stomach onto the floor.

“IT’S A FUCKING JANITOR!” You looked towards the crazy bitch behind the beast. “HOW DID YOU GET A JANITOR TO DO YOUR BIDDING?!”

“It was easy,” she answered, “all I had to do with offer it some hot pockets and some thailand girl cartoon porn. It’ll do anything I ask.”

The revolting creature wheezed and sputtered, before turning it’s fat head towards the grey mare in the back, awaiting orders from her.

“Crush them.”

It screeched like a banshee in response, before lurching forward and rolling towards your party at shockingly high speeds.

“DOOOOOOOOOOODGE!” you screamed, before you and the rest of your party scattered, running for cover. The janitor passed by, luckily somehow missing everyone in your party.

Your group watched it roll to a stop at the end of the arena, coughing and wheezing as it tried to prevent itself from having a heart attack from doing so much physical activity.

“Anon?” You looked towards your aquamarine unicorn bro as she looked towards you with widened eyes, “how do we defeat something like that?”

You smirked. “Easy, bro. We use pop culture references.”

“W-what?”

You ignored her, pointing towards the young dragon who was regaining her breath a few feet away from you. “CHARMANDER!”

She looked up towards you and tilted her head in confusion. “H-huh?”

“I CHOOSE YOU!”

She blinked, before understanding your meaning. “CHAR CHAR!”

“...uh, Anon, what are you doing?” you heard Fluttershy inquire.

“Playing Pokémanz,” you responded, before turning your attention back to your pokemon, “CHARMANDER, BURN HIS ASS! USE FLAMETHROWER ON HIS ASSHOLE!”

“What da fuck.” Big Mac said in the background.

“Char!” Barb charged forward at the speed of sound and jumped up in the air. A large ball of fire built up inside of her mouth as she hovered in the air, before she unleashed hellish fury on the janitor’s ass. The fire burnt away at the janitor’s XXXXXXXXXXXXL crusty underwear for a split second, before the fabric burnt away. Fire found skin, and the creature screeched out in agony as her attack penetrated his asshole.

“Nice job, Charmander!” you cheered from the sidelines.

“JANITOR!” you heard Octavia call out, “USE EARTHQUAKE!”

“SHIT!”

The janitor, still crying in pain from Barb’s fiery onslaught, began to thrash about, throwing his arms, leg, and body about as if he were a child throwing a tantrum.

“YOU CHEATING CUNT," you spat out angrily at her, "JANITOR’S SHOULDN’T KNOW EARTHQUAKE AT THIS LEVEL! ONLY MAGNITUDE!”

The mare laughed maniacally. “I USED A GAMESHARK! WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT? I’M THE BAD GUY! SUCK MY TWELVE INCH CLITORIS!”

The earth began to shake from the janitor’s attack. You were suddenly knocked onto your ass, as the walls around you began to crumble. Pieces from the already damaged roof began to break away, and a large portion of remaining roof fell, falling straight towards your dragon bro.

!

“GOD DAMMIT!” you sprinted forward and grabbed your lil homie, before continuing to run as hard as you could, just narrowly avoiding being crushed by the debris with her.

“Shit dude!” she exclaimed as soon as the two of you were safe, “nigga, I don’t think I would’ve fainted if that shit hit me. Thanks a bunch, man.”

“It’s no problem, dude. I always got my homies,” you flashed her a toothy grin as you put her down, “now let’s finish this shit.”

“Right!” she said with a confident nod.

“CHARMANDER!” you exclaimed, as you pointed towards the janitor, “FINISH HIM OFF! USE FIRE BLAST!”

“NIGGA, I DON’T KNOW THAT!”

“THEN FUCKING IMPROVISE, BRO!”

She nodded, before rushing forward, running straight for the janitor. She came to a halt before the massive beast, and reached into the small pants you just noticed she was wearing for some reason-

!

NIGGA’S PACKING HEAT.

The dragon whipped a small semi-automatic pistol out of her drawers, and took aim, holding it sideways like some fucking retard gangster would in a movie.

“BLAP BLAP BLAP!” she shouted out as she mag dumped into janitor, every shot finding it’s mark because of just how fucking huge the target was, “WATCHING NIGGA’S DROP!”

As the last round impacted the creature, the janitor let out a loud cry of anguish, before falling silent and going limp.

“Huh, how about that?” You blinked, before glaring at your little red homie, “Bro, if you were packing heat this whole time, why didn’t you just use it in the first fucking place?!”

“Nigga, ammo’s expensive,” she returned your glare.

“True, true,” you felt your anger subside, before turning your attention back to your opponent, “alright, we won, now release the Weed Dude.”

“You think I am so easily defeated?” She jumped up from the Dude’s lap and started walking towards your group. “Now you must face me! And if you think the janitor was hard, wait until-”

“Charmander, use flamethrower,” you interrupted the mare.

“Thank fuck! I thought you’d never ask!” Barb exclaimed, before charging towards the mare.

A look of realization and dread overcame the mare as she noticed your dragon companion bearing down on. “W-WAIT, LET’S TALK! OVER TEA AND CRUMPETS!”

“It’s a little too late for that!” You responded to her pleas with a hint of mirth.

“I’LL SUCK YOUR DICK! I’LL SUCK IT DRY!” she threw out in desperation.

“Hmm…” you brought your hand up to your chin and thought over her offer.

“Anon, ya can’t seriously be considering that,” Big Mac flashed you a condescending look.

“Hey dude, free head is free head.”

“She tried to kill us…” the one with the butterflies on her ass pointed out.

“Yeah, but, blowjobs, dude,” you explained to her.

You felt somepony lay a hoof on your shoulder. You glanced over, and spotted Lyra looking up at you. “Anon, I’ll straight up sip your tip and force Fluttershy to get involved if you turn her ass into bacon.”

“...uh… well, you really wouldn’t have to force me to do anything…” you looked her way with a raised brow, which immediately turned the mare’s yellow face a bright shade of pink, “...just being honest…”

Your dick twitched in favor of the second option. You looked towards the dragon who was awaiting your answer, and signalled her to continue with a thumbs down. She nodded, and faced the mare, a ball of flame beginning to form in her mouth as she charged up her attack. Octavia stopped her pleas, as a look of calmness and resignation overtook her. Seconds later, Barb unleashed her attack, as a wall of flames shot out of her mouth. As the fiery onslaught overtook the mare, she remained silent and still. Even as her coat, flesh, and bone burnt away, not a word, not a cry, nothing was heard from Octavia.

She had accepted her fate, and faded away without even a whisper.

When Barb had finally stopped her onslaught, there was nothing left, just a pile of ashes.

“Dude, you better have been fucking serious about that double blowjob,” you said to Lyra, “because that shit was kinda fucked.”

“Bruh, you saved my weed dealer, of course I’m going to make that double blowjob happen,” she said, flashing you one of the most genuine smiles you had ever seen. Not counting the one she flashed you last night after you fucked the shit out of her, of course.

“Cool, cool.”

“Yooooooo…” you heard the minotaur address your party, “no rush or anything, dudes, but would you guys do me a solid and set me free?”

Lyra blinked. “Dude, you’re not even tied up.”

“I’m not?” He moved his arms, realizing that your bottom bitch wasn’t lying to her, before standing up. “Huh…”

You groaned internally. That double blowjob better be worth the effort you went through to save this guy.

“Alright, I’ve had just about enough of this place,” you said, cringing at the site of the various urinals surrounding your party, “let’s burn this place down and get the fuck outta here before something else happens.”

The others in your party nodded in agreement, and with that, you grabbed a conveniently placed can of gasoline, emptying it out as your group exited the house. You tossed the now empty can aside, and with a signal to your dragon homie, had her light the house ablaze.

“THE FIRE RISES!” You exclaimed, watching the house quickly light up.

“Ah’m bored,” Big Mac stated, “Ah’ll catch ya’ll around.”

“Same dude, same, see you, dudes,” the Weed Dude said, as he followed the red stallion’s lead.

“...I need to go masturbate…” Fluttershy said as she trotted away.

Soon, all that was left was you, Lyra, and Barb. You shrugged, and faced your remaining party members. “Alright faggots, let’s go home and get fucking wasted!”

Lyra let loose a cheer. “Fuck yeah, dude! That shit sounds great!”

The three of you began to walk away from the burning house of horrors, but you paused, and looked back at the destruction, before looking down at the little homie standing beside you who fought her heart out to save not only your bro’s weed dealer, but also the rest of your bro’s asses as well. She was battered, bruised, and even dirtier than before. Her fatigue from the battle was clearly much worse than yours.

She noticed you looking down at her, and she looked up at you with an inquisitive look. “Sup?”

“You look tired, bro,” you pointed out the obvious.

“Yeah, I guess I am,” she shrugged it off.

That was all you need to hear. Wordlessly, you bent down and grabbed your homie.

“E-eh?” she flashed you an even more confused look.

“Don’t worry dude, I’m just giving you a piggy back ride.”

“Oh… well, alright nigga. My feet hurt, so I appreciate it.”

You placed on your shoulders, Barb immediately taking the opportunity to stretch out and get /comfy/. A sigh of relief escaped her mouth as she spoke. “So… where exactly are we heading, anyways?”

You looked up at the young dragoness riding on your shoulders. “A place with warm showers, hot food, good booze, and comfortable couch to sleep on. If, you know, you’re interested in that.”

Barbie blinked, not quite believing what she was hearing. “Dude, you’ve only known me for a day, and you’re offering to take me in?”

A smile spread across your face. “Bruh, not only are you chill as fuck, but you put your life on the line just to help save my bro’s weed dealer. Shit, the least I can do for saving me from all her bitching is offer you a way off the streets.”

The dragoness hummed happily, before matching your toothy grin with one of her own. “Yeah dude, I guess you could say I’m pretty interested in that.”

“Well then,” you said, as you began to walk again, “let’s go home.”

It wasn’t long before you and your two companions wound up standing outside your front door.

“Alright, lil nigga, this is home. It’s kind of a piece of shit, but whatever,” you said with a chuckle.

“Dude, it’s not the streets, so I could care less,” Barb pointed out.

“True, true.”

“For Celestia’s sake, could we just go inside already?” Lyra asked, “It’s fucking cold out here.”

“Oh, right! Sorry bro,” you apologized, rubbing the back of your head awkwardly, “I keep forgetting it’s the middle of winter for some reason.”

As you reached into your pocket for your key, you heard somebody descending the stairs. You looked up, and spotted your hot MILF landlady trotting down the stairs.

“Ayo, what’s up Daisy? You lookin’ fine in the moonlight,” you hollered at the mare, flashing her a thumbs up.

“Ara ara, thanks An-” she stopped mid sentence, as she caught sight of the dragoness sitting on your shoulder, “Uh, Anon, you don’t get to bring pets.”

“She’s not my pet,” you pointed out, “she’s a dragon, and she’s my homie. Not some domesticated animal.”

“Anon, I know a pet when I see one, I’m not stupid,” the mare said, glaring at you with the intensity of a thousand suns, “Either she goes, or you go.”

“Dude, seriously, she's not a pet, she speaks full sentences and everything,” you flashed the mare a condescending look, much like the one a certain balding, baseball bat wielding comedian would use when dealing with someone being as ridiculous as your landlady.

“Yeah dude, seriously, I’m not a fucking pet.” Barb spoke up, mimicking your look, “Do you see a collar on my neck? That shit would be hella creepy if Anon made me wear one of those. I can understand Lyra here, but me, I-”

“Alright, alright, that’s it!” She exclaimed, stomping her hoof into the snow in anger, “If you can’t accept the terms of the lease, you need to leave. You have till the end of the week to move out.”

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” all three of you shouted at once.

“Good night, Anon, Lyra. Don’t make me call the Guard on you guys,” she warned, before continuing on her way.

“Bitch be racist against dragons, yo,” Barb said, crossing her arms and pouting.

“Uh… Anon…” your unicorn bro spoke up, flashing you a worried look.

“Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. Don’t worry, I’ve got a plan,” you reassured your homie, patting her head affectionately.

KNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCK-

The front door to the Apple’s homestead swung open as Big Mac poked his head out, glaring at the three of you. “Anon, what in Sam Hill-”

“Hey bro, I’m sure you’re eating dinner right now or something important like that, but I have a favor to ask of you,” you said, shooting him a shit eating grin.

“Uh… like?” he raised a brow at you.

“We just got evicted because apparently dragons are pets. Got anywhere we can crash?” You inquired, your grin growing shittier by the second.

Your bro blinked. “Are ya serious?”

“Very.” Lyra spoke up.

Big Macintosh groaned. “Celestia dammit… Ah’ll talk to Granny. Ah don’t think she’ll mind, since we plenty of room ta accommodate ya’ll, but she’ll probably end up makin’ ya guys work fer it.”

“B-but working’s hard,” you pouted.

“Then don’t get evicted,” he smirked smugly as he opened the door for you and your companions, “Come on in, ya’ll can warm up and get sum grub in ya. The last thing Ah want is muh crew to catch colds.”

You smiled, and brought your bro in for brohug. “That’s what it's about, man. Bros for life. Thanks brah.”

“Anytime bruh,” he responded, return your brohug with vigor, “Ah’m sure ya’d do the same fer me and my family if we needed ya to.”

“Of coursh!” You released your homie, before motioning your two other bros inside. “Come on, fags, let’s eat all their food and complain about the fact we don’t get enough free shit like a bunch of Middle Eastern refugees.”

“So, Ah talked with Granny,” Big Mac said as he led you and your posse upstairs, “ya’ll can stay in our guest bedrooms, though Granny said ya have ta work if ya wanna stay here.”

“Fuck,” came the collective response, earning an amused chuckle from Big Mac.

“Ya will live. Anyways, Anon, yer just gonna do what ya usually do on the farm when it’s actually active.”

“You mean pretend to work and stare at your sister’s ass?” You smirked at your homie.

“Nah bruh, yer gonna be sortin’ apples. And if ya don’t do yer job, Granny’s gonna kick yer ass outta here, so ya better not stare at dat ass too long and actually do yer job.”

“Fuck.”

The red stallion grinned, before looking over Lyra. “Lyra, yer gonna be helpin’ AJ and Ah pick apples. That magic is gonna come in mighty handy once Winter wraps up and the apple orders start floodin’ in.”

“Double fuck,” Lyra groaned.

“And Barb, on account of the fact ya can’t really be doin’ manual labor much since yer a younglin’, we’re just gonna have ya help around the house with cookin’ and the like.”

“Fuck yes!” the young dragoness cheered, “Dude, I love cooking meth! Shit’s fucking fun as hell!”

“Uh… Ah’m talkin’ about food…” Big Mac raised a brow at her behavior.

“Oh… triple fuck!”

The stallion led the three of you to the end of the hallway, where two doors lay in wait. “Barb, yer gonna be stayin’ in the room on the right. Anon, Lyra, yer gonna be stayin’ in the room on the left.”

“Woah, I get my own room?” Big Mac nodded in response to your lil red homie’s question. “Fucking score! Thanks dude!”

And with that, the young dragoness fled into her flood, probably feeling happier than she’s ever felt in her life. You had to be honest, even you and Lyra got booted from your apartment, just seeing Barb like that made it worth it.

“Anyways, Ah need ta go ta bed.” Big Mac said, rubbing the sand out of his eyes. “The bathroom’s near the stairs, there’s food in the kitchen if ya need it, and don’t fuck my sister without my approval.” He began to turn to walk away from the two of you, but paused. “One more thing, Ah don’t mind if ya two decide to get lewd, but please, for the love of fuck, keep it down, and wash the sheets when you're done.”

You heard an embarrassed giggle emanate from Lyra as the red stallion turned around and walked away from the two of you. Once he was gone, she spoke up. “You and I both know that’s not going to happen,” she said, winking at you.

“Yeah, fuck no. There’s no way I’m fucking working,” you stated, “I’d much rather be on the streets than work. I’m just going to make Pablo do all my work, like usual.”

Lyra giggled, before smiling up at you. “No Anon, I was talking about me keeping quiet.”

“Oh,” you blinked, “Lewd.”

The mare let out a loud yawn, before leaning against you. “Hey… I’m tired. Think you could put me to bed?”

“Yeah bro, no problem, I lift,” you said, squatting down and picking up your bottom bitch, throwing her over your shoulder before entering your new quarters.

You looked about, finding yourself in a conservatively furnished room. There was only one decently sized bed and a cupboard, basically your average guest bedroom. You shrugged off the nakedness of it, figuring you could add your own personal touch to it after you grabbed all your shit from your old apartment. You gently placed the mare hanging onto you on the bed, before jumping in yourself, climbing under the covers and getting /comfy/. The mare beside you did the same, wrapping her hooves around you and resting her head comfortably upon your chest.

“Hey… Anon?” Lyra spoke up.

“Yo?”

“You’re a faggot,” she said with a smirk.

“Wow. Fucking Rude,” you responded in a mock hurt tone, before smiling at your bro.

She giggled. “Seriously though, I’ve been thinking about what you said earlier, and while it may not personally be the way I want things, as long as I’m with you, I could care less about having to share you with others. I mean, sharing is caring, right?”

“That’s exactly how I see it,” you stated.

“Just one thing, though…” she said, getting dead serious.

“What’s that?” you raised an inquisitive brow at her.

“If you ever drop me to side ho status, I’ll bite your dick off,” Lyra stated, flashing you her chompers at she smiled pleasantly at you.

You chuckled, waving off her concerns. “You don’t have to worry about that, bro. You’re not just a grillfriend like anyone else would be, you’re also one of my best bros. There’s no way that anybody can beat that.”

“I’ll take your word for it, Anon,” she said, planting a small kiss on your chest. “Good night, Anon.”

“Night bro.”

And with that, the two of you fell silent, and, the day having taken it’s toll on the both of you, quickly passed out.