Suddenly, everything exploded.

"Cloud?" Asked a familiar voice.

"My butt hurts..." I moaned into the floor.

"Your butt? Wait, what's that stuff leaking ou- Oh. OH. WHAT?!" I fell unconscious again.

I woke up in my bed in my room in the library. It seemed to about midday. Looking to my left, I could see a few letters. I picked up the top one and brought it to my face.

Cloud,

What the buck?! Where the buck have you been?! Why was that in your butt?!

WHY DID THE DNA TEST SHOW THAT IT WAS YOURS?!

Tell me as soon as you wake up!

Vesper.

P.S: If you hear my bitch crying, don't go in my room.

I have a feeling I've been gone for longer than an hour to them. Wait, Vesper has a bitch now? I rubbed my eyes and grabbed the next letter.

Cloud,

YOU HAD ONE JOB!

Signed,

Princess Celestia.

P.S: So are you or are you not... Y'know...
The state we found you in doesn't leave much to the imagination.

I facehoofed. I really shouldn't have done that butt-stuff with myself. It wasn't even fun. At least I know I'm definitely straight. Yeah, but the others think the opposite. Crap. I grabbed the next letter.

Dear Cloud,

How was your trip to Prance? Did you get me or the girls anything?

You missed my birthday, you owe me a present!

Signed,

Twilight Sparkle.

P.S: Spike here, you also missed mine.

Celestia probably lied about where I was. I picked up the final letter.

Cloud Calculation,

We have heard of you recent encounters with a stallion and wish to invite you to a late night 'discussion' in the Canterlot Castle this Saturday.

Waiting eagerly for your reply,

Princess Luna.

Wait, why is she interested now that everypony thinks I'm gay? I'm not sure, it doesn't make sense. Well, unless she has... A...

I'm gonna pretend I didn't just think of that...

I climbed out of bed and made my way downstairs. Twilight was sitting on the sofa, reading a book. She turned at the sound of me approaching and smiled.

"Hello, Cloud," she greeted. "How was your nap?"

"Hey, Twilight," I replied. "I slept fine."

"Did you get me anything from Prance?" She asked eagerly.

"Uh... No, sorry. I didn't know it was your or Spike's birthday."

"Aw..."

"Um, how long was I gone for...?" She gave me a confused look.

"What do you mean?" Actually, it'd probably be better to ask Vesper.

"Nevermind. Where's Vesper?" Twilight got an awkward look on her face.

"She... Um... She's... In her room..."

"What's wrong?"

"You'll see..." I trotted over to the door to the basement. Before I could open it, I heard a strange sound from inside. Is that a stallion crying? I remembered what Vespers letter had said. I'm gonna come back later... I went back up to my room, filled a small bag with some drachmas, then went down to the front door.

"Where are you going, Cloud?" Asked Twilight from behind me.

"I'm gonna try to exchange some drachmas for bits. It's easier than doing some jobs and I have pretty much all the money I could ever need."

"How many bits are all of the drachmas you have worth?"

"About twenty thousand, give or take a few hundred for stuff we bought in Bullgium." I heard the sound of Twilight's jaw hitting the floor.

"What?! How much?!"

"Twenty thousand-ish." I left the library and headed for Town Hall.

Rainbow Dash was hanging up a banner-thing to the front of Town Hall. A sudden bolt of lightning broke her concentration, causing her to quickly dodge. The bolt singed the end of her tail.

"Now, careful, Derpy!" She exclaimed in an annoyed tone to a grey pegasus above her. "You don't want to cause any more damage than you've already done." The roof of the building collapsed. The grey mare apparently called 'Derpy' started bouncing on a cloud happily.

"I just don't know what went wrong!" Sang Derpy before she cloud she stood on exploded into electricity.

"Yeah, it's a mystery."

"Hey, Rainbow!" I called out as I got closer. Rainbow looked towards me and grinned.

"Hey, Cloud!" She called back, slamming a nail into the banner with her hoof.

"Nice work, Rainbow Dash!" Said Derpy, flying backwards and bumping into a support beam. The beam's lower parts exploded, sending it falling towards the floor. I grabbed it with telekinesis and cast a repair spell, fixing it back where it was before.

"Do you need any help with that?!" I asked, summoning a Support Circle and flying up to her so we wouldn't have to shout.

"Nah, we're pretty much done now."

"Okay, I'll just fix the roof then." I lifted the broken parts of the roof back to their place and cast a repair spell. "What's all this for, anyway?" Rainbow pointed to a nearby crowd with the Mayor and Applejack on a stage. "Huh. Didn't notice them."

"Applejack's doing a rodeo thing to pay for repairs on Town Hall."

"I'm gonna go say hello."

"Okay." I flew down to them and dismissed the Circle as I landed on the stage.

"'Sup, bitcheeeees?" The crowd stared at me angrily.

"...As I was saying," continued the Mayor, "I want to thank Applejack in advance for generously offering up her prize money to fix Town Hall."

"You mean the Town Hall I just fixed for free?" The crowd, the Mayor and Applejack looked towards the building in question. There was an awkward silence. "Well, I'm bored. If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go and see if my daughter from the future has finished torturing her bitch in the basement with kinky stuff. See ya!" I teleported back to the library. I arrived just as Vesper happily trotted out of the basement. She spotted me and grinned.

"Hey, Dad!" She greeted cheerily, waving.

"Hey, Vesper. So... You have a bitch now?" She nodded.

"Yep! Celestia gave him to me as a reward for stopping a terrorist."

"Oh. Okay. So how have you been? Also how long was I gone? For me it was only an hour."

"I've been good. My bitch really makes my days better. Especially when I bring out the whips."

"Okay, one; plural?"

"Yep. What was two?"

"Too much information."

"Nice wordplay."

"Thanks."

"Anyway, you've been gone for about a month. Not much happened."

"Nothing? At all?"

"Well, Discord escaped, the Sandwich Terrorist returned and apparently you got bucked in the ass."

"Actually I was fucked in the ass. Bucking is only ever used for tree kicking. It's annoying how many Ponies get that mixed up. Though it's kinda strange how it's cursing, but then again 'fuck' would be just as weird."

"Let's go back to the part where you were fucked in the ass."

"Okay."

"So...?"

"I went into the past but ended up in this ethereal place with the alternate version of me. He still existed and did all the stuff I needed to do for me, which was very convenient. It didn't look like either of us were leaving soon so we talked for a while, but talking to yourself gets boring quickly so I asked me if I wanted to bang myself and I said yes."

"Oh. How was it?"

"I can confirm that I'm straight and that butt-stuff is unpleasant." Vesper sported a lewd grin.

"Not if you're doing it right..."

"And right back to too much information." Vesper dropped the grin and coughed.

"Right, sorry." Right at that moment, a Pegasus with a dark grey coat and dark blue mane limped up the stairs of the basement.

"I assume he's your bitch?" Vesper turned to see who I was talking about.

"Yep, he's my bitch." The bitch limped over to us.

"Hey, Cloud Calculation," I greeted, holding out a hoof, "savior of Magi, destroyer of reality, self butt-stuffer."

"Sight Watcher," he replied, shaking my hoof. "We've met before."

"Have we?"

"At G three. I told you to go to the Princess."

"Oh yeah..." There was an awkward silence. "So I hear you're my daughter's bitch?"

"She's your daughter? But she only looks about five years younger than you."

"Time travel, multiverse, it's a long story."

"Really?"

"No."

"Oh." There was another awkward silence.

"Welp, I'm gonna go and get some toast.." I trotted into the kitchen just as Toasty dropped some toast onto a plate. "Thanks, Toasty."

We were in a barn at Applejack's place preparing a surprise party for her. After spiking the punch I stared off into the distance for about ten minutes, thinking about how much I regretted the butt-stuff. Suddenly, everypony gasped. I started paying attention again. Twilight was reading a letter.

"'...Don't worry, will send money soon,'" she read. "That's all there is!" I leaned over to Vesper.

"What happened?" I asked quietly.

"Applejack's left."

"Oh." Vesper stepped into the centre of the room.

"Everypony stay calm! She's supposed to be in Dodge, right?" Twilight nodded. "Give me two hours and a shovel."

"Why do you need a shovel?" Asked Twilight.

"I'm gonna see how my sex slave is later with a shovel up his ass." Good thing Watcher's not here to hear about that. Maybe not; if expected butt-stuff was bad, imagine how bad surprise butt-stuff would be. I don't want to...

Vesper got Applejack back within two hours like she said, and that night the library was filled with screams of the damned.

Author's Notes:

Four hours till Back To The Future Year in England!