It had been a whole week since Cloud Calculation had gone into the past, and he still had not returned. I had told his friends that he had gone abroad for awhile at my request. His daughter didn't fall for it, and had pestered me until I told her the truth. We were sitting in my fifth study on the left and I had just finished telling her the story.

"Are you bucking kidding me?" Asked Vesper as she facehoofed. "He beat his past self up to stop an alternate personality?"

"Sadly, no," I replied, "I'm not kidding. Anyway, would you like some cake?" Vesper sighed.

"What kind is it?"

"Sponge, extra icing. I had my chef cast a filling spell on it to make it more satisfying."

"Yeah, okay, I'll have some." I was about to cut her a slice when the doors slammed open, revealing an exhausted Sight Watcher standing between them panting for breath.

"P-Princess!" He wheezed, trying not to fall over. "It's Discord! He-"

"Watcher!" I yelled, "I have told you a thousand times! Knock before entering!"

"B-But-"

"'Butt' indeed! I could have been doing sexy butt stuff!"

"Wait, wha-?"

"And then you would interrupt me before things got interesting!"

"Ma'am! Discord has broken free from the weak petrification!"

"Are you calling my petrifying spell weak?!" Yelled Vesper, standing up from her stripy bean bag.

"N-No! It's just not as strong as the Elem-"

"Oh! So you don't think it's as strong as yours is?!"

"But I'm not even a Unico-!"

"I don't care if you're better than everypony else! You aren't better than me!"

"Watcher!" I yelped, appalled at the insults he had slung at Vesper. "That was uncalled for! How could you say those things to her?!" I put a hoof over Vesper's shoulders. "It's okay Vesper, he's just a dumb stallion."

"You realize you also insulted my father by saying that?"

"Notice how all of the stupid shit he gets into tends to be his fault."

"Fair enough."

"Princess!" Interrupted Watcher. "Discord is wreaking havoc as we speak!" Right as he finished his sentence, Discord teleported into the room with a stupid grin on his face.

"Why hello there, Celly!" He greeted. "It's been too long! Sorry I didn't get to say hello a month ago, I was rudely interrupted by a whor-" his eyes suddenly snapped to Vesper and his grin melted away. "Oh buck." Vesper looked like she was about to ignite from anger.

"What were you about to call me?" She asked slowly.

"I-I... Erm... That is... Buck this!" Discord suddenly flew through the doorway and out of sight.

"Get back here, ya dick bodied bastard!" Vesper's mane and tail exploded into fire in a purple that matched their original colours as she summoned an Arcane Circle and flew after him. I looked back at Watcher.

"As I was about to say before I was rudely interrupted," I started as Discord's screams echoed from the distance, "how could you say those things to poor Vesper? She and her father have defended this country as well as the world, and insulting her is how you repay her?!"

"But I didn't-"

"Fine, I'll forgive you for now, but only if you apologize to Vesper." I took a deep breath. "Let's see how things are going on for everypony else around the castle today. Let's go, Watcher."

"But guard duty-" I picked him up with levitation and walked out of the room, carrying him behind me.

I slammed open the doors of Luna's bedroom, startling her awake.

"Hello, Luna!" I greeted loudly and cheerily.

"Sister," Luna replied groggily, "why must you always wake us- Er... Always wake me in the middle of the day? You're going to ruin Our- I mean, my sleep schedule. How do expect me to act as a politician if I'm too tired?" I waved my hoof dismissively.

"Just let the mortals do politics, it'll be fine."

"But what if they're crappier than that bog monster we fought when we were six hundred?" Before I could answer, she spotted Watcher floating upside down behind me. "Why is there a Royal Guard behind you?"

"It's because-"

"Princess Celestia!" Interrupted a voice from behind me. I turned to see the pony that interrupted me, revealing them to be the Soap Sud, the Earth Pony janitor.

"Hello, Sud. What seems to be the matter?"

"The-"

"Princess," whined Watcher, "my blood's all going to my head!"

"Shut up, Watcher! Go on, Sud."

"Something terrible has happened!"

"Yes, I know, Discord and all that."

"No, worse." A confused look appeared on my face.

"What then?"

"I found this in a toilet in the gents." He moved his hoof forward, trying to show me something he was holding. I glanced down at it. My heart did a somersault. My confused expression became an expression of horror. I dropped Watcher on his head, knocking him unconscious and backed up a few steps. Fear tore through my mind.

"No... Please, me, no!"

"I'm sorry, Princess, but I checked; it's the same as it was before."

He was holding a drenched sandwich.

A drenched cheese sandwich.

It could mean only one thing:

"What do we do, Princess?!" I calmed myself. I knew what I had to do. I put on my sunglasses.

"You try to save as many toilets as you can."

"What about you?" I turned away from him dramatically.

"Come on, Watcher," I grabbed the body of the Royal Guard with magic, "you're gonna be my Watson."

Five hours later, I found Vesper in the leisure centre, getting a massage from Butt Rubber. Sight Watcher followed along behind me, dragging his hooves.

"Cheer up Watcher," I reassured him, "we'll catch him soon."

"Why did you slam dunk me into a kitchen pan?" He asked.

"I was looking for clues."

"How did that help with-?"

"Hey, Celestia," called Vesper.

"Hey, Vesper," I replied. I spotted Discord lying petrified next to the table, his face screwed up in pain.

"What took you so long?"

"Equestria's greatest enemy has returned."

"Lawyers?"

"No, the Sandwich Terrorist."

"Oh. 'Kay then. Can I have a reward if I catch him?"

"Okay." She teleported an unconscious Pony next to me. It was Bog Clogger, another Royal Guard. "This guy was shoving a sandwich down a toilet earlier. Is that what the Sandwich Terrorist does?"

"Yeah, thanks." I teleported Bog into a cell on the other side of the castle.

"What's my reward?"

"Uh..." My eyes scanned the room, fixing on Watcher. I cleared my throat. "Your reward is Watcher." Watcher's gaze snapped to me.

"Wait, what?" He asked.

"He is now your bitch. You can do whatever you want to or with him."

"Yes!" Vesper hoof-pumped. "I've always wanted a sex slave!"

"Watcher, if you disobey her, I'll have you arrested."

"WHAT?!" He screamed.

"Don't worry," said Vesper, "I'm not into any weird stuff. Well, unless I get bored." Her face changed to a sultry expression. "...And it's been a slow month." Watcher whimpered.

"Well," I said as I walked towards the exit, "I'll leave you to sort out the details. I'm gonna go eat cake. See you later, Vesper."

"See you, Celestia. Time for me to have some fun!"

Author's Notes:

The Sandwich Terrorist returns!

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I love writing chapters like these!

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The new story is taking longer than expected since holding back the urge to make stupid jokes and situations is hard.
It'll still be posted soon, just a little later than expected.