Twilight was more than a little upset at how vicious I was when I finished off the buffalo champion. Long story short, I wasn't staying at the library anymore. I'd taken my small sack of bits and my stetson (which was no longer marbles) and tried to find somewhere else to stay. My 'friends' all had excuses as to why I couldn't stay with them, the only hotel Ponyville had was way too expensive and there were no good caves anywhere nearby, so I was now homeless.

Spike sent a letter to Celestia for me explaining that I needed to stay in the castle again. Her reply was to wait for about a week until she came to Ponyville for an upcoming 'big brunch' thing. I'd transmutated a pile of rocks into a tent and had been sleeping there until Celestia arrived. Until then, I had tried to fix things with my 'friends'.

Twilight wouldn't even stay in the same room as me, Fluttershy would whimper and back off, Applejack shot me dirty looks when she thought I wasn't looking and ignored me when she thought I was, Rarity pretended she was always too busy and Pinkie would lose her enthusiasm and disappear. Spike was now my only friend, but I rarely got to see him because Twilight worked him like a slave. I'd tried to talk to her about at least giving Spike some help with the bullshit she put him through but had no luck.

My newest study focus was shapeshifting; it was like transmutation but with physical appearance. If I changed to something completely equal to me (for instance; me but with a different colour scheme) it wouldn't cost any magic other than the initial spell. However, if I became something bigger than myself (like a dragon) I would need a constant supply of magic to sustain the form and if I was something smaller than myself (like a colt version of myself) I would have a lot of excess magic.

I had made a fail-safe spell for turning back to default me. The spell only affected my appearance so if I turned into a pegasus I couldn't fly (with wings at least) and if I turned into a dragon I wouldn't have its strength or dietary requirements. I still needed more practice, but it was pretty awesome so far!

I'd visited Zecora to see how she was doing, and it turned that out me becoming a psychopath scared everypony into not being racist to her. Apparently 'the stranger from the field' beating the shit out of 'Celestia's prime student' for being racist was a bit of a shock. Zecora had made me a potion of Magic Restoration as thanks and said that whenever I needed potions, she would make me them for free. I'd already used the potion she gave me after I tried turning into a dragon.

I need something to fight enemies that have golden armour. My magic is entirely useless against against them and I couldn't just charge myself up with a Support Circle or fight with Kinetic Circles, all the magic would drain away as soon as my attacks hit. Maybe I could learn to make golems of some kind and get them to remove armour. Wouldn't they crumple away to nothing as soon as they touch the armour? Oh yeah... *Sigh* This problem is going to be challenging to solve. Seriously how do you mental sigh?!

I was sitting in my tent when I saw a carriage carrying Celestia going for a landing in the distance. I packed up my tent, put on my stetson, grabbed my bit-bag and headed to Sugarcube Corner. I didn't have any saddle-bags so I transmutated a tree branch into rope and tied my tent to my back. Transmutation is so useful!

As I arrived at Sugarcube Corner I noticed that there was only one royal guard at the door instead of the usual two.

"Hey, Sight Watcher," I greeted the gray coated, blue maned pegasus as I walked towards him. Watcher looked up and smiled when he saw me.

"Hey, Cloud," he replied. He looked at my tent and a confused expression plastered his face. "Why is there a tent tied to your back?"

"Twilight's a bitch and I didn't have any saddle-bags. I'm now the homeless savior of the world!"

"What? Sparks kicked you out? Why?"

"Has Celestia told you about the Appleloosa incident yet?"

"No, what happened in Appleloosa?"

"I'll tell you on the way back to Canterlot. Isn't there usually a second guard with Celestia?"

"Well... Remember The Sandwich Terrorist?"

"Yeah?"

"It turns out that it wasn't Princess Luna after all."

"What do you-?" The realization hit me. "No! Bog Clogger was The Sandwich Terrorist?!"

"Yeah. He's been sentenced with a week in the cuddle dungeon..."

"That doesn't sound so bad."

"...With Princess Luna as the warden." I winced.

"That's gonna sting..."

"It truly will. Anyway, Princess Celestia's waiting for you inside."

"Okay. See you later, Watcher."

"See you."

As I walked in I noticed Celestia sitting at a long table with cakes, apples and some other foods. My ex-friends were sitting at the table as well, acting weird to try and please Celestia. Her pet phoenix Philomena sat in a cage behind her, seemingly asleep. She looked pretty ill. I walked over to the table and tried to fit in with what the others were doing. I bowed down to Celestia as low as I could, sticking my butt high into the air.

"Oh, your highness," I said in the most Rarity-like voice I could, "please allow me to join in with the plot-kissing!" The others (minus Fluttershy and Pinkie) glared at me. Celestia was trying to suppress her laughter. Suddenly I got a psychic message from her; I'm glad you're finally here, I've got a great idea for a prank! How good are you at shapeshifting? Not bad, why? Okay, go to town hall and wait for me there. Okay... "Well, I'm gonna go take a dump. Just thought everypony should know!" I walked to the bathroom and teleported to Town Hall when I was out of sight.

I didn't have to wait for long before Celestia arrived to tell me the plan.

"Sorry to keep you waiting," She apologized, "first I need to test your shapeshifting skills, how long can you hold a form?"

"I don't know," I replied. "I haven't tested it yet."

"Okay, we have a few hours before I have to go and find you dead so-"

"Wait, what?"

"Today, we are going to prank your ex-friends!"

A few hours later, my training was done. I could now change my physical form for a few hours and produce fake fire.

"Okay," Said Celestia, "do you know the plan well enough?"

"Yeah!" I exclaimed. This is gonna be so awesome in so many ways!

"Good. Prepare yourself, this may be uncomfortable." Celestia began her spell.

I exploded into existence. I was still in Town Hall. Celestia was gone. It was four hours earlier. I was now a time traveler. BUCK YEAH I'M A TIME TRAVELER! This was bucking awesome. Alright, time to start the ultimate prank! I took a few breaths to calm myself then hurried to the back room. Celestia was waiting there and looked up as she saw me arrive.

"Oh," She said, slightly surprised, "hello, Cloud. Why are you here? I'd have thought you would meet at Sugarcube Corner."

"Plan three is go!" I blurted excitedly. Celestia looked confused for a second before grinning.

"Are you ready with shapeshifting?"

"Yep!"

"Alright, I'll get the cage ready!" I readied my stance and summoned a Support Circle to charge myself up. I focused my magic with pinpoint precision and shapeshifted into an ill looking version of Celestia's phoenix, Philomena. Celestia clapped her hooves together excitedly. "Yes! Okay, 'Philomena', get into your cage!" I hopped over to the open cage Celestia presented in front of me and she closed the door. She picked up the cage and teleported us to Sugarcube Corner, placing me where I had seen Philomena earlier. Oh! That was me I saw!

Soon everypony else arrived. Rainbitch went outside to annoy Watcher, Spike helped bake cakes, Rarity was a pompous snob about her dress, Applejack was sitting at a table attempting to eat, Twilight panicked about random shit and Pinkie... Was Pinkie. I pretended to be asleep. After a few minutes, Fluttershy arrived and talked to Twilight for a while. Celestia entertained herself by tricking the Cakes into making asses of themselves and that's when past me came in. Past me looked around for a couple of seconds before walking up to the table Celestia was sitting at and bowed deeply, sticking his finely toned ass into the air.

"Oh, your highness," past me said in the most Rarity-like voice he could, "please allow me to join in with the plot-kissing!" The others (minus Fluttershy and Pinkie) glared at him. Celestia was trying to suppress her laughter. There was a moment of silence. "Well, I'm gonna go take a dump. Just thought everypony should know!" Past me walked to the bathroom.

"Well," Celestia said in Twilight's direction, "Cloud certainly knows how to make an entrance. Why is it you dislike him so, Twilight?" Twilight scrunched her face up.

"He's just a murderer..." she mumbled. Celestia rolled her eyes.

"Yes, a murderous savior of Equestria. And the world, thinking about it."

"But the diamond dogs and the buffalo weren't trying to do anything evil!"

"You mean the dogs that were fillynapping, slaving, rapists that threatened to pretty much destroy Ponyville?"

"Well... Okay the dogs needed some action, but the buffalo-!"

"Tried to destroy the train you were in which would have killed all of you."

"Yes, but then he-!"

"Convinced the chief of the buffalo to send one of his warriors to an honour-bound battle to the death so that he could let the rest of them go in peace."

"Yes- But- He- ARGH!" Twilight stormed off, annoyed that I was justified in my killing.

"Well, that's her dealt with. What about you, dear? Fluttershy, is it?" Fluttershy looked up from her tea, happy to get attention.

"Me?" Fluttershy asked. "Oh yes, your highness."

"I understand from The Purple Menace's letters that you enjoy tending to the needs of woodland creatures."

"Yes, I love to take care of animals."

"As do I. As Princess, I care deeply about all creatures, great and small." There's the signal, time to set the bait. I started coughing and hacking, sending feathers flying all over the place. "Nothing means more to me than the well-being of all my subjects!" I coughed and hacked even harder, jumping up onto a small platform in the cage. "Ah, Philomena, my pet. You're awake! Do say hello to our gracious hosts." I coughed almost hard enough to throw up.

"Oh... My..."

"She is quite a sight, isn't she?"

"I... I... I've never seen anything like it..." I coughed some more. Sight Watcher walked up to Celestia and muttered something in her ear.

"Really? Well, if I must... I'm sorry, everypony. I'm afraid I have to cut the party short. The mayor has requested an audience with me. Royal duty calls." I hid my laughter under coughing. "Thank you for a wonderful time. It's been a joy getting to know you all better." Didn't she only talk to Astral-Ass and Flutterbutt? Celestia sent me a psychic message as she marched off regally: That should be plenty of bait! Give 'em Tartarus while I prevent a paradox. Don't worry, I'll have Watcher pick up your stuff before we leave. Applejack looked relieved.

"Whew!" Applejack said to herself, "now I can eat something!" Mr Cake packed the food up before she could get to any of it. "Aw..." Pinkie squealed and cartwheeled out the door, kicking Cream Treat in the face. I'm surprisingly good at remembering random names. Rarity started yelling the crap she normally yelled about, making the perfect distraction for Fluttershy to bird-nap me. She picked the lock on the cage, grabbed me and leapt out of the window. She headed back to her cottage with me on her back.

"Oh, you poor little thing," Fluttershy said to me before placing me on her sofa. I let my head sway and fall. "How did you ever get in such bad condition? Don't you worry, Philomena. I'll nurse you back to health. As a favor to the princess, who's obviously just far too busy to care for you properly." I coughed. She looked worried and straitened my head. "I'm sure the princess will appreciate the help." I let my head fall again. "Oh my! We'd better get you to bed right away." She put me into a conveniently sized bed. "There."

Fluttershy stuck a thermometer in my mouth. I quickly cast a heat spell to make it look like I was way too hot. She gasped, pulling off my blanket and putting a water bottle of my head. I cast an anti-heat spell and started chattering my teeth. Or beak or whatever. She gasped again, getting rid of the water bottle and giving back the blanket. I cast another heat spell. No blanket, anti-heat. Blanket, heat spell. No blanket gain, anti-heat again. This time when she gave me the blanket I gave enough heat to burst the thermometer, sending broken glass and mercury everywhere.

"This is far worse than I thought. What you need is some medicine, stat!" I coughed in her face. After cleaning up the mess, Fluttershy gave me an abnormally large pill on a plate. I sniffed it and retched. What the buck is in this? "Doctor Fluttershy expected that." She covered the pill in birdseed. How stupid does she think her animals are? "Always works!" I quickly ate the birdseed, leaving the pill untouched. "Uh... Almost always..." I coughed in her face again.

For the next two-or-so hours a war was waged. A war involving soup, a humming bird, singing, projectile vomit, a steam bath, aromatherapy, water absorption, ointment, boils, a scalpel, surgical tape and feathers. It had been a long, long day.

"Oh, Philomena," Fluttershy said to me. "I thought it would be easy to nurse you back to health. I've tried everything I know, and look at you; you're worse than ever." Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Before Fluttershy could get to it, Astral-Asshat burst through the door.

"Hi, Fluttershy!" She said, surprisingly cheerily. "I just wanted to drop by and say thank you so very much for making such a good impression on the princess today-" She gasped when she saw me sitting on the table with feathers shittily stuck to my body with surgical tape. "What is Celestia's pet doing here?!"

"I couldn't leave the poor thing there." Fluttershy approached me. "She needed my help."

"Oh no! No-no-no-no-no-no-no! This is bad!" Twilight smacked herself in her eye.

"How could I just walk away and not do anything?"

"B-But she doesn't belong to you!" I really have to sit here and listen to this? I groaned and fell onto my back.

"I had to do something."

"Without telling anypony?! Without asking permission?!"

"But-" I coughed dryly.

"I know you had good intentions, but you have got to return Princess's pet!" I rolled off the table to try and stop the argument.

"But-" I breathed in very deeply and held it to try and end the conversation. It didn't work. Fluttershy sighed.

"You're right. Okay, let's go..." Twilight grabbed me and shoved me into a basket. They were a bit muffled, but I could still hear them.

"If we hurry, we can put her back before anypony even realizes she's missing." I heard the front door open and Twilight gasp dramatically.

"I was told I could find Twilight Sparkle here," stated what sounded like Watcher. "I regret to inform you, miss, but the royal pet has gone missing."

"Really? You don't say!" Time to get Watcher's attention. I coughed loudly. Somepony else (probably Twilight) started coughing to try and pretend it was just her. Soon, there was another pony coughing along with her (probably Fluttershy). "It's that dry night air?" Why is she questioning herself?

"But it's daytime," Fluttershy pointed out.

"Well, day air's even dryer! You'd better be on your way if you're going to find the Princess's missing pet, Mr Guard!" I can't let her get rid of him! "Philomena, was it? Thank you ever so much for keeping me in the loop-" I squawked loudly and coughed more. "T-That must just be some of the birds Fluttershy keeps around here-" Before she could finish I pushed at the side of the basket, causing it to fall off of whatever it was on top of before. I squawked and coughed even more.

"Ma'am, I'm going to need to see what's in the basket," explained Watcher in a slightly stern tone. I was suddenly teleported into a cupboard of some kind. Everything was quiet for a few seconds before Watcher spoke again. "Well then, good day, ladies." I heard the front door close. I was teleported back into the middle of the room.

"Oh, this is bad! This is really, really bad!" Twilight was prancing frantically around the room.

"The Princess wont be too hard on me. I don't see why you're panicking so much." Fluttershy was surprisingly calm.

"You have no idea what the princess is gonna do if she finds you're the one who took her pet, do you?!"

"Do you?"

"Well... No. But it can't be anything good. She might banish you from Equestria. Or throw you in a dungeon. Or banish you and then throw you in a dungeon in the place that she banishes you to!"

"You really think the Princess would do that?"

"Okay. Granted that probably won't happen, but do you wanna take any chances?"

"All that really matters to me is that poor little Philomena here gets well."

"That's very noble of you. I'll write to you when you're banished. Unless I'm banished too somewhere there's no post office. Then you'll have to write to me. Deal?" Why is Twilight such a moron? I thought she was Celestia's top student or whatever, how does she know so little about how Celestia reacts to stuff when she spent most of her life around her?

"Please, Twilight. You just have to help me get Philomena healthy and then we can return her to the Princess. And everything will be fine."

"Did you give her any kind of medicine?" Shit, is this going where I think it is?

"I tried to, but she wouldn't take it." Uh oh.

"Then you have to MAKE her take it. You can't be such a pushover, Fluttershy! You need to show this patient who's the boss. Make her straighten up and fly right!"

"She can't fly!"

"No excuses!" Twilight grabbed the pill and rushed over to me. Shit! I tried to run but she grabbed me with telekinesis, lay me flat on the ground, forced my mouth (or beak or whatever) open and shoved the pill down my throat. "Okay, what else?" I think I'm gonna puke... Whatever that pill was, it wasn't meant for ponies... While I was distracted, Twilight shoved a cone onto my head. I tried and failed to force it off, causing myself to fall over onto my face.

"I don't think she likes it."

"Tough love, baby. You want her to get well, don't you?"

"Of course, but-"

"Next!"

"Well, she desperately needs some bed rest, but I can't get her to stay put." Twilight kicked me onto my back.

"One step ahead of you!" She shoved me into a cage and threw a blanket over the top of it. I struggled and bashed against the cage, trying to escape without using magic. This prank is taking way too much effort!

"It's for your own good, Philomena, I promise. Please, just relax and try to get some sleep."

"What's this soup over here? It smells delicious."

"I made it for Philomena, but she wouldn't eat it."

"Oh, she'll eat it, all right!" Twilight lifted the blanket off of the cage and looked at me evilly while levitating soup. As soon as she opened the door I scrambled out, sending the soup flying. I rushed out the door, the two mares chasing after me.

Twenty minutes of running around avoiding Fluttershy and Twilight later, I was sitting on top of a fountain surrounded by my ex-friends. It was time for the last stage of the plan; faking my/Philomena's death. I changed my form into a bald Philomena just before Watcher spotted me.

"The Princess's pet bird!" He exclaimed, getting me the attention of the others.

"Philomena, come down from there!" Cried Fluttershy, "you'll hurt yourself!" I did some dramatic coughing before leaping off the edge of the statue and surrounding myself in fake fire. While 'ignited', I was teleported away into a nearby house. I looked up to see Celestia with a grin on her face.

"So the ash is switched with me?" I asked. Celestia's grin faltered slightly.

"Geez, you're creepy as a talking bird," she replied. I rolled my eyes and changed back to my regular form.

"Well?"

"Yes, it switched with you. Next thing to do is discover 'the remains' of you. Or Philomena or whatever."

"What are you waiting for? You're gonna be late!"

It had taken all week and today's prank wasn't even worth it, but I was finally back at the castle. I was talking with Watcher as he went back to his main post.

"...And that was enough electricity to fry him to death," I explained. Watcher looked grossed out.

"That's... Pretty gross. So how did the others react when you did that?" He asked.

"Mostly just shocked silences. Twilight threw up a bit, Pinkie sort of deflated and I've never seen Rainbitch look at anything with fear before, so I set a new personal record there. And then the buffalo stopped terrorizing Appleloosa!"

"Huh. So what are you gonna do about gold armour in the future? It might not be as simple as marbles."

"I'm not sure yet. Maybe I should get a weapon of some kind, I'd look awesome with a katana!"

"Who wouldn't?"

"Good point. Anyway, I hopefully wont be seeing Astral-Ass and her lackeys any time soon."

Author's Notes:

This took a little longer to get than expected, mostly due to personal problems.
Sorry for the delay!