“Reckonin’?” Applejack said whilst walking to a tree, as it was apple-bucking times. “Ah reckon Appledash is a good thing.”

Meanwhile, Apple Bloom just answered the phone!

“Hello?”

“Is this Big Mac?”

“No.”

“Can you get him?”

“No.”

“Dammit.”

The mystery pony hung up.

“Well, that was worth comin’ down ‘ere for,” Apple Bloom said.

Meanwhile, Twilight was reading, Rainbow Dash was sleeping, Pinkie Pie was baking, Octavia was waitressing and hating how she had to smile, and Lyra was doing something vaguely music-related but also involving folding laundry and eating ampersands made of lettuce. In fact, no one in Ponyville was doing anything even vaguely fun to watch. Not even Zecora, who was in unincorporated area, was doing anything fun to watch. Thus, the sponsors were forced to be unhappy for a day.

THE NEXT DAY!

“So, Big Mac,” Applejack said over some store brand Apple Jacks which were endorsed by her.

“What?”

“So we’re eatin’ breakfast, an’... y’know... where’s Apple Bloom?”

“I don’t know.”

Apple Bloom woke up to find she was blindfolded, mutetaped, and had her legs and head firmly bound to a table. Using this information along with previous statistics, she figured the most likely scenario was that Diamond Tiara had her somewhere.

“Mm,” Apple Bloom said.

“Should we execute action Tape Removal?” Twist said.

“Yes,” Diamond Tiara said.

Twist tore the tape off Apple Bloom’s mouth as quickly and painfully as possible.

“Ow,” Apple Bloom said.

“No shit,” Diamond Tiara said.

Twist pointed to the blindfold and looked at Diamond.

“I don’t know anything sexual I can do with her eyes,” Diamond said.

“But you don’t care about blindfolds,” Twist said.

“That’s what you would think, because it’s correct. But it’s not actually a turnoff for me either, and any sense I can take away from Apple Bloom is good, so keep it on.”

“What about smell and taste?”

“I don’t know of any hot ways to take those away. On a note not failing to lack in non-undisantiirregardlessocity, are you ready, Apple Bloom?”

“What’re you askin’ me for?”

“Confirmation that you’re ready.”

“Why’re you askin’ me for?”

“Psychological purposes.”

“I don’t feel nervous or anythin’.”

“That’s only what you’re telling yourself,” Diamond Tiara said as she climbed onto the table.

“But Ah—”

Diamond Tiara cut her off with an extended kiss. Without any form of holding taking place, it looked a little awkward.

“Does Filthy Rich know where you are?” Apple Bloom said.

“No. Why does it matter to you?”

“Why does it matter to you?”

“I never said it did.”

“Uh... fahne.”

“Wait a minute,” Applejack said. “We have a telly! Maybe they’re coverin’ Apple Bloom!”

Applejack ran into the room with the television in it and turned it on. The television, not the room.

“Me?” Applejack said. “What am Ah doin’ that’s worth showin’ nationwahde?”

She ran back to the table. “Big Mac, do you know what Ah’m doin’ that’s worth showin’ nationwahde?”

“No.”

“Don’tcha mean—” then her voice changed from her normal one to that one people make when they try to imitate a deep-voiced person, “—‘Eenope’?”

“...”

She looked downward. “Sorry.”

Rainbow rolled off a cloud she was sleeping on. This woke her up and she calmly fluttered to the ground without coming even close to injury. She then got on a different cloud and tried to get back to sleep.

“Hm,” Fluttershy giggled with a mouth full of popcorn. “Fvr.”

“You ain’t doin’ a very good job,” Apple Bloom said.

“How do you know? You don’t know anything about sex.”

“Neither do you.”

“So?”

“So... y’know....”

“Yes?”

“Stuff.”

Diamond resumed the ol’ 1-2.

“She’s at NRBT!” Applejack said. “An’ now it’s back to us for some reason!”

“How could we help her?” Big Mac, who was there now, said.

“Not sure. But what Ah am sure of is the delicious taste ah new Price✓Rong Apple Rings!”

Silence.

“How am I supposed to respond to that?”

“Ah thought, y’know, the camera would go over to somepony else.”

“An’ that’s whah Ah suppor—” Apple Bloom said.

“Shut up. All of your talking that doesn’t involve saying ‘please, no’ or deciding you like it is really annoying.”

“You’re the rapist, you can’t complain about anythin’.”

“You started it.”

“You started it.”

“You were the one who raped me first.”

“Well, you were the one who was bein’ all bitchy.”

“I called you a couple of names and tricked Cheerilee into scolding you a few times, but that’s not enough to justify rape.”

“Ah guess that’s where we disagree.”

“I suppose it is. Now will you shut up?”

“Never.”

“Why am I even doing this to you anyway? You should be making me come.”

“It’s what Ah did ta you, so it’s tradition. Fuck, now Ah want Chex Mix.”

“I guess I’ll let you come once, then you have to do something to me. Is that good?”

“Sounds well.”

Bbrring! Um, that was onomapteiay for a phone. Applejack went to it and picked it up.

“Yello?”

There was an unconvincing talking over phone clipsound.

“It’s for you,” Applejack said. She passed the phone twelve yards to Big Mac.

“Blu?”

There was an unconvincing talking over phone clipsound.

“I’m... busy.”

There was another clipsound and Big Mac hung up.

“Who was it?”

“Just another prayer.”

“Oh.”

The sound of silence ensued. You know that high-pitched noise that happens sometimes when you’re in a really quiet room? That’s the sound of silence.

“Wanna fuck?” Applejack said.

“I’d rather play Minecraft.”

“C’mon.”

“No.”

“Don’tcha me—er, Ah mean, whah?”

“If you want to have sex so badly, then yell into the sky.”

“Ah will.”

She went outside.

“Rainbow!” She screamed towards the heavens.

After a few seconds, there was no answer.

“Rainbow!”

Nothing.

“Rainbow DaaaaaAAAAASSSHHH!”

No answer.

“She must be too far away. What’m Ah gonna do?”

A sudden 5m/s wind picked up, sending a herd of tumbleweeds Applejack’s way. She managed to get inside and close the door just before they trampled her.

“That was close.”

Meanwhile, nothing significant was happening with Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara. Octavia... Lyra... Twilight... Pinkie... nope. No one.

“Where are Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara?” Cheerilee said. Sweetie Belle raised her hoof.

“Sweetie Belle?”

“I’m pretty sure they’re raping each other again.”

“I can’t believe they—well, whoever started it this time—skipped school to do that. Anyway, we should begin.”

Sweetie Belle raised her hoof.

“Sweetie Belle?”

“Why is there a bell curve on the chalkboard?”

A few hours later, Apple Bloom was happily unbondaged and unhappily facing Diamond Tiara.

“Okay,” Diamond said, “I think we’re done.”

Apple Bloom forced a kiss unto Diamond, but she took it anyway, so the forcing never really happened. Instead of forgetting about the existence of the rest of the universe and enjoying each other for an hour, it only lasted for a few seconds.

“Ah thought you said we were done. You didn’t push me or somethin’.”

“I’m not going to deny a kiss from my girlenemy. Why did even you do that anyway? I’m the one who raped you.”

“Well, Ah got into it. And Ah don’t know about you, but Ah’m hungry.”

“So am I. Do you eat anything without apples in it?”

“Just yesterday Ah... er....” Apple Bloom paused. “Does the ‘food’ you get at school count?”

“Hmm... I don’t see why not.”

“Then Ah do remember the last tahme Ah had somethin’ without apples.”

“Well, I guess we should go. You have the key, right, Twist?”

Twist held up the key like Jarno Trulli.

“Good.”

Twist then unlocked the door using only her wits and a key. They walked out of the storage locker together.

“I do suppose that this is where our paths part,” Apple Bloom said.

“What?” Diamond said. “Are you Octavia in a... um... that wouldn’t fit. Never mind.”

“Well, Scoo-da-loo.”

“Good-by.”

And then Rainbow woke up. She yawned, making half the viewing audience yawn. “So do I brush my teeth and stuff or, like, what? Wait, yeah, I do.”

So whilst she wakes up, here’s a commercial.

Buy our product!

She hasn’t woken up yet? Maybe we should’ve run a longer commercial. Anyway, here’s Applejack watching television.

“Wait, what?” Applejack said. “Me again?”

Okay, let’s go to Octavia.

What?! Octavia’s gone too?

“That’s right,” Lyra said. “She’s musicing at a superfluous gala.”

“Don’t respond to the narration,” transcriber #3 said.

Well, this just sucks. So the ponies who can’t do stuff are Twilight, Rainbow, Applejack, Octavia, Zecora, Pinkie, Big Mac, every foal with a name, Cheerilee... okay, who do we have? Rarity’s busy... hey, Fluttershy and Lyra! I should probably tell Brominecraft or something instead of just typing it in the narration.

KA-PHONE!

“Guten Tag?”

“Hey, Brominecraft!”

“What is it?”

“Fluttershy and Lyra!”

“I’ve heard worse ships, but that’s still bad.”

“No, no, I mean they can do stuff!”

“I know, there are cameraponies there for both of them, but I don’t know why they’d meet each other so something could happen.”

“Oh. Well, one of them could... um....”

There were a couple seconds of silence, then transcriber #3 hung up.

“I wish I hadn’t done that,” she said. Meanwhile in an alternate universe where she never started the call, everything was the same.

AT SEVENTEEN OF THE CLOCK!

“Welperstickerwhatsitdoozeroniflakingtonhooves,” Pinkie said, “Shift ending times. Guess I’ll play some video games and go to bed in that order.”

“You could do something good for the show instead,” said a random camerapony.

“I guess, but what would I do?” Pinkie turned to her right in preparation for walking in that direction. “Holy fuck, it’s snowing! I’m gonna tell everypony I know!”

She ran upstairs and got on Facebook to find that Applejack had beaten her to it.

“Fuckaroni,” Pinkie said. “Now what’ll I do for the next minute of my life?”

One minute later...

“Well, nothing was a boring choice. I know, I’ll talk about the weather! It’s snowing! But Applejack already told everypony about it. Now what’ll I do for the next minute of my life?”

Next Chapter: Chapter 144: Miniature Golf Episode Estimated time remaining: 3 Hours, 49 Minutes