“Starting chapter 139,” transcriber #1 said in a vaguely official voice, “‘Battle of the Sexes’.”

“Not that I’m complaining,” Pinkie Pie said whilst playing Glitch Wars: Tainted Honour, known as グリッチウォーズ3~けつばんのリターン in Japan, “Okay, I am just a little, but even though it’s on my side, I have to admit that that seems a little unfair to hold in Ponyville. Can’t you do it in a different city with an evener gender ratio?”

“It doesn’t matter for you anyway, you’re not on the team.”

“That’s like saying it doesn’t matter for you who wins a sports thing because you’re not on any of the teams. Well, it doesn’t matter, but it fucking matters.”

“So what’s the plan?” Spike said over a table at a cheaper version of Focaccia Shack.

“Lose,” Big Mac said. “How can we beat AJ, Twilight, and Rainbow Dash in a fight?”

“I think we should surrender the second the fight starts to avoid any trips to the hospital,” Carrot Cake said.

“We can’t give up that easily!” Spike said, even though they totally could. “Big Mac, you can beat Applejack in a fight, right?”

“I don’t know, we’ve never fought each other.”

“Well, we’ll find out today. I’ll take on Twilight and scratch her a lot, then she’ll surrender.”

“What about Rainbow Dash?” Carrot Cake said.

“You’ll distract her,” Spike said. “So at the end of round one, it’ll be me and Big Mac up against Rainbow Dash.”

“And then?”

“...I don’t know. But it’s two against one, so we can probably wrap around... um... yeah. Fuck.”

“What’s the plan?” Rainbow and Applejack said to Twilight over a table at Focaccia Shack.

“Rainbow will fly up holding me so I can’t get hit or related events whilst I’m preparing the magic to OHKO them, then I’ll perform the magic and we’ll win.”

“What about me?” Applejack said.

“We don’t need you,” Twilight said. “As long as I can’t get hit, we’ll win.”

“We don’t need me,” Rainbow said. “You could do some fancy defensive magic if you wanted.”

“They could hit me whilst I’m casting it, which goes back to you holding me.”

The next hour, Team World-Saviours and Conglomeration Masculists met at Granny Smith Memorial Park, as Sandy River Playground had recently been renamed. It was, in many respects, an ordinary playground. Swings here, jungle gymnasium there, platforms with a slide over that way, but what we’re concerned with is the grassy open field between all those things.

“In the green corner,” Commentatory commentated, “Weighing in at three worldwide heroes, Team World-Saviours! And in the yellow corner, weighing in at however heavy two stallions and a baby dragon are, Conglomeration Masculists!”

“You ponies’re goin’ down into Hell,” Spike said, pointing downwards to illustrate his point.

“We’re going the exact opposite of that direction,” Rainbow said. “Literally.”

“Three... two... one... RUMMMMBLLLLE!”

Rainbow wrapped her forelegs around Twilight and flew upwards. Spike, Big Mac, and Carrot Cake all proceeded to mob Applejack. Spike scratched her and Applejack kicked Spike really hard in the head, KOing him. Big Mac did the same thing to Applejack, knocking her out, immediately before he and Carrot Cake got metaphorically fried by Twilight.

“One... two... three... you’re out! Team World-Saviours are the winners!”

Rainbow came down with Twilight and, unfortunately for Twilight, stopped holding her. The World-Saviours’ victory is our Staples Easy Task of the Week.

“That was fun,” Rainbow said. “What now?”

Twilight started kissing Rainbow, but Rainbow pushed her away and Twilight decided to be nice for once and let her go.

“What’s wrong?” Twilight said.

“Why would I do anything with you when AJ’s right over there?”

“Because she’s unco... oh, I see what you mean, that does sound hot. Can I watch?”

“I don’t see why not.”

“There’s one over there.” Twilight pointed to an animatronic Wynaut riding a swing.

“What’s that doing there?”

“I don’t know.”

Rainbow pulled Applejack from the pile of males who bravely gave their consciousness for a battle they knew they had no chance at, which for some reason makes it heroic and not just temeritous, got down, and started passionate holding and passionate kissing. That went on for a fun to play while, then Applejack woke up. She was ready to freak out if need be, but opened her eyes and saw it was Rainbow. She was so still that Rainbow didn’t even notice. Oh, Twilight? Um, don’t worry about her. She was staring at Sandy River. The park was actually named after the late Sandy River, but coincidentally, its eastern border is defined by Sandy River, named for the fact that it’s lined with sand. Anyway, Applejack started holding Rainbow and giving lingual feedback, which freaked her out a bit. She made a quick “aah” and got up.

“Hey, AJ,” Rainbow said.

“Did Ah scare ya?”

“I was a little surprised, maybe even startled, but not really scared.”

“You were scared.”

“No, seriously, I wasn’t. I was actually kinda relieved with my girlfriend waking up and all.”

“Oh. But Ah startled you?”

“I guess.”

“w00t!” Applejack got up. “Ah startled Rainbow Dash! Ah’m awesome!”

“You were already the awesomest pony in existence.”

“No, that’s still you.”

“You don’t have to be like that, you’re a better pony than me.”

“No, there’s a reason you think you’re better than everypony else in the world, an’ it’s ‘cause you are.”

“You’re better than me and nothing will ever make me think otherwise.”

“You’re better than me an’ what you just said.”

Silence.

“So what now?” Rainbow said.

“What about Big Mac an’ Spahke an’ Carrot Cake?”

“They’ll wake up. Let’s get Twilight.”

They walked over to Twilight.

“Hey, Twilight,” Rainbow said.

There was no response; Twilight seemed to be entranced by the river. Rainbow gently touched her, which didn’t work, then she pushed her really hard and made her fall over, which did work.

“Whaaaa...?” Twilight said. She got up. “Rainbow? Applejack? Where am... wait, I remember, we were doing the battle, then you started snogging with her, then I came to this river, then you pushed me down, then I

said—”

“Twilight!” Rainbow tried to snap.

“Right. Um, thank you. I don’t know what happened.”

“What do you mean you don’t know? You’re Twilight!”

“I probably have a book about it since I have a book about everything, but I don’t know.” This was not referring to The Book About Everything, a one-volume encyclopedia in print requiring two layers of magnifying glasses to read, though she does own that.

“Well, then I guess we can go to our respective homes now.”

“What’s your respective home?”

“A cloud. Not like a specific one, just a cloud.”

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