“Okay, team,” Pinkie Pie said to her team. “Rainbow, AJ, you have an Appledash chapter whilst Zecora and I do something.”

“I? Careful grammatical correctness seems a bit unPinkielike of you,” Zecora said.

“DISPERSE!”

No one dispersed.

“Disperse,” Pinkie said at Rainbow Dash and Applejack.

“You ain’t dispersin’,” Applejack said.

“That’s different. Now if you don’t mind, and I’m sure you don’t, we’re gonna prank a certain pony we aren’t too fond of....”

“Rarity?” Applejack said.

“Eeyup,” Pinkie said in a terrible Big Mac impression.

“‘Kay, we’ll be back here in six jardas.”

“All right, if that’s how it’s gonna be, then we’ll be back here in seven jardas.”

“Pinkie Pie?” Zecora said.

“What?”

“Should we just go?”

“Sounds like love to me,” Rainbow said.

“STFU,” Zecora said.

“Fine.”

“Zecora?” Pinkie said whilst in the process of walking with Zecora to Rarity’s house.

“What?”

“I have a sudden craving and I want to infect you with it.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, ask Twilight if you need to know about the science of cravings for some reason.”

“That’s not the thing I wish to know. Why would you infect me so?”

“So?”

“It’s not easy writing rhymes. I do much better writing limes.”

“Come on, you’re good at rhyming!”

“I know I’m good, but it’s still tough, always coming up with stuff.”

“You would never put a break in your speech there if you weren’t going for some sort of rhythm.”

“I’d like to... no. Though that criticism does apply, I won’t get mad and be like ‘you try’.”

“What’s the problem anyway? Not enough rhymes in English? Getting your point across with only words that work with each other?”

“The problem I face is rarely to limn it; it’s working under a strict time limit. If I had unlimited time, I could do it nearly every time.”

“Generic sympathy.”

“Generic thanking.”

“So you’re not the type to be like ‘well you try, then’?”

“It’s like... yelling at a can opener... when you try to use it as a sword. You haven’t spent your entire life training to rhyme every word. I know those are two different things, but ponies complain when you repeat yourself like that.”

“That’s racist.”

“What?”

“Ponies.”

“I meant it in the everyone sense, not specifically ponies.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

“is k broseph”

“No, Kay is Brosef.”

“Oh. Wait, huh?”

“I thought you were talking about the hot old soap opera The Lives of the Living.”

“I’ve never even heard of that.”

Awkward silence.

“I wanna have sex with you so badly,” Rainbow stated in a rather plain, unswearing fashion for such a statement, particularly one from her.

“I wanna have sex with you so badly,” Applejack said in the same way.

“So I guess we can just have sex?”

“Yeah.”

Rainbow used Tackle. After five seconds of escaping an unwanted kiss, Applejack said:

“Rainbow?”

“What?”

“Can we go insahde before we do this?”

“You’re right. Doing this right outside the barn is a bad idea, we should get further into the orchard part.”

“That’s not what Ah meant.”

“You’re the one with the outside fetish.”

“But Ah don’t feel like it.”

“That’s too bad.”

“Well, you cheated on me.”

“You cheated on me too.”

“You want me to decahde everythin’ and you know it.”

“Okay.”

And so they went inside and subsequently to Applejack’s room.

“And when the eggs hatch,” Pinkie said, “That’s when the marshmallows kick in!”

“Instead of referencing something to the letter,” Zecora said, “I think the spiking idea is better.”

“How?”

“Besides being original, it’ll work. I agree that your idea is more spectacular, but mine will work.”

“Fine... should we get ninja suits or something?”

“How would that help?”

“...Rhyme?”

“Well, what rhymes with help? Kelp?”

“I am not aware, laughing out loud.”

“What?”

“What?”

“Are you Rarity in a Pinkie costume or something?”

“No.”

“Are you sure you’re not on some sort of undercover operation where you yell at me when I spike Sweetie Belle’s glass of beverage?”

“That’s what you’re planning?” Pinkie tore off her costume, revealing that she had been wearing a costume of herself the entire chapter. “My word, which is fuck!”

“Pinkie.”

“Okay... but I’m glad I’m out of that costume, it was getting warm.”

And so they arrived at the Carousel Boutique/Rarity’s house. Rarity was there, which I guess is important.

“Hello, Pinkie Pie,” Rarity said, “Hello, Zecora... um, do you have a last name?”

“No,” Zecora said. “We travelled to this location for the purpose of consuming a meal and talking with you. Not meaning anypony is sharing a meal—”

“I understand what you’re trying to say. Just wait for about π minutes.”

Three minutes and ten seconds later...

“Okay,” Rarity said.

“What took you so long?!” Zecora said. “We demand to know!”

“I was under 107%, don’t get angry. I’ll teleport us to the kitchen.”

Rarity teleported them to the kitchen. This much was successful. However:

“Fudgelsticks!” Pinkie said, blood gushing from her... wrist? Well, the point is, that’s how much of her leg disappeared. “Get the first aid, Zecora!”

Zecora grabbed a brilliant beige berry from behind Rarity’s ear and hooved it to Pinkie. She (Pinkie) ate it without choking, and her lost body part was replaced along with its associated blood.

“I apologise for nearly killing you, Pinkie Pie,” Rarity said.

“Fuck you.”

She took a second to respond. “I suppose I should clean this up.”

Clock wipe!

“Well, that looks like the last of it,” Rarity said. “Now we just need to wait for Sweetie Belle....”

Sweetie Belle teleported into the room. Unfortunately, it wasn’t a perfect teleportation, and she lost her left forehoof.

“Holy fudgelsticks!” Sweetie Belle, on the floor due to sudden loss of a hoof messing up her balance, said. Zecora took a brilliant beige berry from behind Pinkie’s ear and threw it to Sweetie Belle. Sweetie Belle caught it in her mouth, which was pretty awesome. She was healed and stuff.

“By Wall,” Sweetie Belle wanted to say fuck but she was around Rarity, “That hurt.”

“I suppose I should clean this up,” Rarity said.

“Sorry,” Sweetie Belle said.

“Sorry?” said Rarity. “You lost a hoof, you hardly have something for which to be sorry. In fact, I just did the same thing to Pinkie Pie a minute ago.”

Sweetie Belle got up. “Really?”

“Really.”

Sweetie Belle looked towards Pinkie.

“It hurt,” Pinkie said.

“So what are you going to make?” Zecora, Pinkie, and Sweetie Belle all asked within four hundredths of a second.

“That was creepy,” Sweetie Belle said.

“Thanks, Corporal Clear,” Pinkie said.

“Well, you’re welcome.”

“Fine.”

“So what are you making?” Zecora said. “Or perhaps the question is what are you baking?”

“I’m making vegetable salad.”

“Sounds good.” “Cool.” “Okay.”

A montage of Rarity making salad played. Meanwhile, a pony with exactly the right combination of fetishes clopped to it. Rarity served the table.

“What is this?” Zecora said, holding up her fork, which had a piece of tomato on it.

“It’s tomato,” Rarity said in a slightly perplexed voice, which went well with her nice perplexion.

“I thought you said this was vegetable salad.”

“I don’t understand, tomato is a vegetable.”

“It’s a fruit.”

“Why is it a fruit?”

“What makes it a vegetable?”

“It’s not sweet enough to be a fruit.”

“So even though it’s an ovary with see—”

“Ponies!” Pinkie said, slamming on the table to get their attention. “Pony and zebra. Anyway, this clearly isn’t going anywhere. Nopony... or zebra... is actually going to change which side they’re on, so can we change the subject to something less emotionally charged?”

The silence that ensued for a few seconds, despite being a lack of something, felt like it physically existed.

“Okay,” Zecora said.

“Yes,” Rarity said.

Everyone quietly ate for a minute.

“I am feeling a need to drink,” Pinkie said in a slightly deep, very monotonous voice.

“Oh, of course, sorry,” Rarity said. “We have water, low-fat water, and hot ham water. What would you like?”

Zecora and Pinkie huddled, as much as you could at a table, for a few seconds.

“Water,” they said.

“Sweetie Belle?”

“Water.”

Rarity went off to unpaid labour.

“I want the low-fat water,” Zecora said, “But it’s so embarrassing to order it.”

“Not as embarrassing as high-fat water,” Pinkie said.

Rarity came back with the four cups of water. Sweetie Belle’s was shorter, forged of plastic, and had a lid with a bendy straw of frighteningly large diameter. Zecora and Pinkie huddled again.

“Sweetie Belle’s has a lid,” Zecora said. “What do we do?”

“Take it off for a moment?”

“But that’ll make noise.”

“We’ll just have to take that risk.”

They dehuddled.

“I need the bathroom,” Sweetie Belle said with a tone of pride and self-confidence. She left before anyone could say “okay” or similar.

“Hey, Zecora,” Pinkie said.

“Yes?”

“What do you think of the 1977 flag of Libya?”

Zecora nodded somewhat slowly. “It’s a work of art.”

Pinkie turned to Rarity. “Rarity?”

“Yes?”

“What’s that?” She pointed behind Rarity. Rarity turned around and Zecora took a vial of generic knockout powder out of Pinkie’s mane. Pinkie got up and walked to Rarity.

“No, see?” Pinkie put a leg on Rarity’s shoulder. “On the wall.”

“I don’t see anything.”

“Pinkie,” Zecora said.

“Never mind,” Pinkie said. “It’s not important.” They sat back down. “What is it, Zecora?”

“The powder is in the cups.”

“What?” Rarity said.

“It’s an in-joke,” Zecora said.

“Okay....”

Everyone ate for a minute, then Sweetie Belle came back.

“Hello.” “Hi!” “Hello.”

“Hello,” Sweetie Belle said. She got back in her chair. “Did you have any secret meetings whilst I was gone?”

“No,” Pinkie said. Rarity took a sip of her drink.

“You know, Sweetie Belle,” Zecora said, “You should really take a sip of your water.”

“Why?”

“Because if you don’t, you might be... thirsty... later. Actually, earlier.”

“But I’m not thirsty....”

“Well, you will be.”

“Zecora?” the Rock said.

“What?”

“Why are you being so weird about this?”

Zecora nodded somewhat slowly. “Never mind.”

Everyone was going to quietly eat for a minute, but Rarity fell off her chair due to unconsciousness.

“Uh...” Sweetie Belle got off her chair. “Rarity? Are you okay?”

“Plan B,” Zecora whispered to Pinkie. Pinkie took Sweetie Belle’s cup and went up to her.

“Hey, Sweetie Belle?” Pinkie said.

“Yes?”

“Zecora thinks she knows what happened. Here, drink this.”

“But I’m not thirsty....”

“Drink it!”

“No!”

Pinkie forced the straw into Sweetie Belle’s mouth and put a hoof on the back of her head for anti-escape purposes. It looked even more sexual than I’m making it sound. Sweetie Belle tried to teleport, but the whole relaxed concentration thing you need for teleportation was hard to do. Gravity made Sweetie Belle take the water into her mouth, not wanting her cheeks to explode made her swallow it, and it only took a few more seconds of Pinkie holding her until Sweetie Belle succumbed to the powder.

“How long do we have again?” Pinkie said.

“It should be an hour until it’s done. So we have plenty of time to run.”

“And when the eggs hatch,” Applejack said, “That’s when the marshmallows kick in!”

“That’s... depraved.”

“What do you mean? It’s totally praved. You don’t like it ‘til you trah it.”

“You haven’t even tried it.”

“Look, if you’re really against it, we can just have a normal naht.”

“Thank you.”

“Ah just thought, y’know, somethin’ different might be nahce.”

“We snog, we lick each other in strategic places, we tribadise, that’s all I need.”

“Fahne.”

Zecora and Pinkie Pie had made it all the way to directly outside the Carousel Boutique.

“Where should we go?” Zecora said. “Somewhere visible? Or should we lay low?”

“Can we stay at your place for a while? Though I know you don’t like having company for no reason.”

“But this is a good reason.”

She waited a couple seconds. “Rhyme?”

“Fuck you.”

“Hey, no need to get super hostile canopy carnage about it. Come on.”

“Okay,” Rainbow said, “I’ve never came so nonchalantly before. Maybe we do need something different.”

“So does that mean the marsh—”

“We’re not doing the marshmallow idea.”

“Fine. Ah might as well just talk to you about mah psychological problems.”

“You don’t have any psychological problems.”

“Ah know.”

Silence.

“Do you have any?” Applejack said.

“No.”

Silence.

“AJ?”

“Yeah?”

“Tie me up. Do anything you want to me.”

“Anythin’?”

“No marshmallows.”

“Fahne.”

Rarity woke up. “Huh?” she said. “What happened?”

She got up and noticed Sweetie Belle.

“Sweetie Belle! Sweetie Belle, speak to me! You’re clearly unconscious, but speak to me! Wait a minute, there’s a medical problem? To—fudgelsticks. I guess I should take her to the normal hospital.”

Rarity spent thirty seconds trying to levitate Sweetie Belle, only stopping when she woke up.

“Sweetie Belle! You’re alive!”

“What happened?”

“I don’t know, I fell unconscious, I think you saw, then I woke up just a minute ago and saw you.”

“What did they do?”

“Well, we’re not hurt as far as I know, and it doesn’t look like they stole anything....”

“Maybe they raped us.”

“What?”

“Maybe they raped us.”

“But... but I really hope they wouldn’t do that, so therefore it’s impossible!”

Sweetie Belle got up. “Maybe they didn’t do anything. It could just be a Pinkie prank since she’s been tending towards more... traumatising ones recently, but I don’t know why Zecora would want to cooperate.”

“But this isn’t like Pinkie Pie... um, tell me what happened after I lost consciousness.”

“Well, she urged me to drink my drink, but I still wouldn’t, so she forced the straw into my mouth and made me drink it. I don’t want to relive it in more detail than that.”

“Could you have taken the lid off?”

“I don’t know, maybe, maybe not, but I was panicking, all right? It was a very panic-worthy situation. With how much prejudice should we call the police?”

“Moderate to extreme.”

“High?”

“Perfect.”

“And that’s how I plan to take over the world,” Pinkie said whilst simultaneously walking. I know.

“I don’t like that plan.”

“No?”

“Not a fan.”

“Why not?”

“Because in the part where we’re walking across the bridge over the lava pit which, by the way, you would die of convection if you went near that, but anyway, it’s the part where you tell me ‘you’ve outlived your usefulness’ and push me off the bridge into the lava.”

“That doesn’t sound like me.”

“Well, that’s what you said.”

“Really? Wait, I remember, that was supposed to be when I was walking across the bridge with Rarity.”

“Oh. That makes a lot more sense.”

“I would never kill you. And question.”

“I’m not rhyming, but why you do care? Does me not rhyming lead to despair?”

“No....”

“And question.”

“What?”

“You don’t seem like the type to kill anypony for any reason ever.”

“I don’t actually wanna take over the world, that’s just what I would do if I did.”

“It wouldn’t work.”

“Has something not working ever stopped me from completing it before?”

“Yes. It’s stopped everypony who ever lived before.”

“Okay, maybe it’s not perfect,” Pinkie said before being so indecisive about which way to go around a tree that she walked into it. “Ow, my spleen!”

“You hit your forehead.”

“Yeah, and?”

“That’s not where your spleen is.”

“It’s an expression.”

“If it’s an expression, it must be pretty rare.”

Silence.

“I actually found a few rhymes,” Zecora said, “But they all involve weird word order times.”

Pinkie was looking at Zecora too focussedly and walked into another tree.

“Ow,” Pinkie said, “My spleen!”

“That’s not where your spleen is.”

“It’s an expression.”

“If it’s an expression, it must be pretty rare.”

Silence.

“I actually found a few rhymes,” Zecora said, “But they all involve weird word order times.”

Pinkie was looking at Zecora too focussedly and walked into another tree.

“Ow,” Pinkie said, “My spleen!”

“I don’t know what it is,” Rainbow said as Applejack used advanced cunnilinguistic techniques on her, not that she was educated enough to tell the difference, “Not that you usually know what it is anyway. But yeah, I just like choking on celery.”

Applejack stopped doing stuff so she could talk. “After Ah’m—”

“Less talking, more... you know... something sexual that rhymes with talking!”

“You’re the one in bondage, you don’t get to command stuff.”

“Fine.”

“After Ah’m done with this, you have to pleasure me for a while.”

Rainbow giggled. “Pleasure.”

“What?”

“I just can’t take you seriously when you use it like that.”

Knock-knock!

“Who is it?” Rarity said.

“Ponyville Police Authority Agency Force,” Enforcy said.

Rarity opened the door. “Hello.”

“We received a call from you that stuff happened and we should come over here.”

“Yes, well. What happened is, Zecora and Pinkie Pie came to our house, then they drugged us, then they left without having left evidence that they did anything.”

“We’ll see what we can find.”

After a transition which involved mentally dividing the screen into ten vertical stripes and having alternating stripes do an up-down or down-up wipe, the policeponies reached their conclusion.

“We checked the metrage from the cameraponies,” Enforcy said.

“And?” Rarity said like a boss, but one of those really easy first dungeon bosses.

“They knocked you out with generic knockout powder, then fled the scene without taking further action.”

“Oh. Well, knocking ponies out is still a crime, isn’t it?”

“Yes. They could face up to π years in prison for this.”

“I see.”

Awkward silence.

“Well, that would be extremely unfortunate for them,” Rarity said.

Awkward silence.

“And then, you won’t believe this,” Rainbow said, inadvertently suggesting that Applejack didn’t trust her, “AJ actually tried to use the word ‘pleasure’ in a completely serious context. And it wasn’t even in a set phrase like ‘business or oh Faust AJ yes no, not over there, yeah, there, keep fuuuuuuuuuuuck!”

Licking happened. It was arousing.

“<3,” Rainbow said.

“♥,” Applejack said.

“Showoff.”

“♥.”

“Stop making that—” Rainbow made a strange Arabic-like throat-clearing noise, “—I can’t even say it. That sound that’s like <3.”

“Y’mean ♥?”

“Yeah. Don’t do that.”

“Ah’m gonna get you facedown, sound good?”

“kk”

“Be at Existent Court by high noon tomorrow,” Enforcy said.

“Sorry if this is a silly question,” Rarity said in her typical style of forgetting to swear, “But when is high noon?”

“12:01.”

Rarity turned in the direction of Sweetie Belle. Which direction this was has unfortunately been lost to history. “Did you hear that, Sweetie Belle?”

“Hear what?” Sweetie Belle looked up from contemplating the infinite and noticed Enforcy. “The police are here? Look, officer, it’s true what I did to Apple Bloom, but—”

“We’re here because of the drink-spiking incident.”

“Oh.”

“We’ll need to ask both of you a few questions.”

There was an expanding from the centre of the screen diamond wipe to Enforcy and Rarity sitting at the same table from earlier.

“Tell me what happened in your own words,” Enforcy said.

“Well, Sweetie Belle and Zecora and Pinkie Pie and I were eating dinner, and everything was fine. I don’t think I ever... wait, I did look away from my drink, Pinkie told me there was something on the wall behind me. I looked for a minute but couldn’t find anything, and Pinkie was right there, I know because she was touching me, so Zecora must’ve put something in our drinks....”

“Wait a second,” Zecora said.

“What?”

“I could’ve just put it through the straw!”

“I guess so, but it turned out okay, right?”

“Yes, the whole thing turned out fine. I cannot come up with another line.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“i dunno lol”

“And when you woke up?” Enforcy said.

“I was on the floor and they were gone. They hadn’t done anything, as far as I could tell. Sweetie Belle was unconscious, but after a minute she woke up, and then I called the police. Enforcy came here and told me that I should tell him what happened in my own words, and so I did, and that’s how we got here.”

“Where did the bad ponies touch you?” Denuntia asked. Sweetie Belle was holding an anatomically correct filly unicorn doll.

“I was unconscious,” Sweetie Belle said, “And the cameras caught the entire thing. They left without doing anystuff. And one of them was a zebra.”

“You’re correct, but this is how it will appear on the test.”

“Here,” she said, touching the doll’s crotch.

“The Internet’s down so I made a poem,” Zecora said.

“To make up for your lack of rhyming before?”

“No, I just write poems when I’m bored.”

“I wanna hear it.”

“I don’t know, it’s sort of scatterbrained, just a bunch of random thoughts I had.”

“So?”

“If you insist, I’ll tell it, but it wanders all over the place. I was really struggling for rhymes, too. And it’s complete shit and I’ll kill myself after you hear it. Anyway, I call it ‘Pheau’m’.

Rumble is red,

Frenzy is blue,

Glucose is sweet,

And so are slices of blueberry pie.

A lot of poems get altered for length;

This often removes their emotional strength.

So as much as I like the concept of love,

Valentine’s Day is a curse from above.

It encourages ponies to be very impulsive,

Which is the main reason I find it so repulsive.

But that’s just one thing, it goes deeper than that.

And I’m not referring to that time with the cat.”

“Sorry to stop you for a moment, but what are you talking about?”

“It’s an in-joke, just a thing that happened in my uni years.”

“‘Uni years’?”

“We’re not all teenagers, you know.”

“Sorry. It’s just that you know the demographics of Ponyville are kinda... lopsided....”

“Yes, I’m aware, you... genial... mare. Anyway,

Which Valentine is the day even named after?

That sure makes the holiday quite a bit dafter.

It doesn’t seem like a very good thing

To not even know whom you’re celebrating!”

There was more, but then the focus cut back to Rarity’s house.

“In conclusion,” Rarity said, “There may have been better ways to approach this subject, but a less detailed version of what I already said.”

“I’ll inform the policemaster,” Enforcy said.

“And finally here,” Sweetie Belle said, touching the doll’s upper back.

“I’ll inform the policemaster,” Denuntia said.

There wasn’t any more, so the focus cut back to Zecora’s hut.

“And that is why I will always confess

To not lose to the mists who might take less.”

Pinkie was crying despite being Pinkie Pie.

“Are you okay?” Zecora said.

“Those last six lines were the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard....”

“Were they? I suppose it could resonate with a pony who’s been through a bizarrely specific set of experiences, but....”

“Well, I ponially think I owe you something for that.”

“There’s no need to be so... anti... tough. Saving the world is more than enough.”

“Are you sure? That really meant a lot to me.”

“Yes, I’m sure. You saved the world.”

“Are you sure you want to decline?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t want to be reminded in two weeks?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.”

Rainbow was out of the bondage, now just eating Applejack out in a normal unadorned pure free of gimmicks fashion. Hey, Applejack, say something for the cameras. Wait, that doesn’t work.

“Hey, Applejack,” transcriber #2 said, “Say something for the cameras.”

“Somethin’ for the cameras.”

“Not say, something for the cameras; say something, for the cameras. Do you need me to make you a diagram?”

“Ah don’ even understand how ta use sentence diagrams.”

“Say something... for the cameras.”

“Well, not much is goin’ on, really....”

Rainbow stopped the fun clopfic times and looked up at Applejack. I mentioned Applejack was sitting, right? Well, she was.

“What?” Applejack said.

“I’m ‘not much goin’ on’?”

“Ah didn’t mean it like that.”

“You know what? Forget it. I mean fuck it, sorry. Anyway, if I mean that little to you, I’ll just leave.”

“Fine. If you’re gonna be all dramatic and ridiculous, then Ah want ya to leave.”

“Fine!” Rainbow left and slammed the door.

Silence.

“Ah never shoulda got mad at ‘er,” Applejack said.

The door was knocked.

“It’s unlocked.”

Rainbow opened the door. “I’m sorry.”

“Ah’m sorry. Ah shouldn’ta gotten mad.”

“You got mad? I was the one who said ‘I’m ‘not much goin’ on’?’. I was the one who said ‘you know what’, and so on. And yea, I was the one who stormed out angrily. You never did anything wrong, and I took what you said the wrong way and blamed you for my mistake.”

“Well... just ‘cause Ah was a dick.” She patted the bed and Rainbow got on.

“So wh—” Applejack didn’t finish her sentence before Rainbow resumed fun clopfic times. And the rest, as they say, was lemon-scented.

Next Chapter: Chapter 127: Court Case Estimated time remaining: 6 Hours, 16 Minutes